Squidward Tentacles
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Quotes for
Squidward Tentacles (Character)
from "SpongeBob SquarePants" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (2015)
Mr. Krabs: The Krabby Patty is what ties us all together! Without it, there will be a complete breakdown of social order! A war of all against all! Dark times are ahead! Dark times indeed!
Squidward Tentacles: Seriously? Aren't you overreacting a bit?
[Scene changes to Mr. Krabs, Squidward and the Bikini Bottom citizens wearing bad clothes and the citizens ran away, screaming in the ruins of Bikini Bottom]
Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the apocalypse, Mr. Squidward. I hope you like leather.
Squidward Tentacles: I prefer suede.

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: A giant hairy porpoise's beached!
Mr. Krabs: We need to get these guys back in the water.
[the gang tries to roll a human in the ocean, but it landed on them in the sand]
Squidward Tentacles: Ew, this place smells awful!

[from trailer]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Cotton candy.
Sandy Cheeks: If you ate all of that, you'll have enough energy to run around the whole world.
[SpongeBob and Patrick ate the cotton candy, starts going hyper, and starts laughing as they run all over the world, but Sandy throws a travel card away as SpongeBob and Patrick are still laughing]
Squidward Tentacles: Ahh! When is the sugar gonna wear off?
[SpongeBob and Patrick fell down front]

[from trailer]
[Squidward inked on his spot on top of a Rock cliff]
Squidward Tentacles: It happens when I'm nervous.

[from trailer]
Squidward Tentacles: Look at me, I'm a god.
Burger-Beard: Hah!
[He throws six soda plastic rings on Squidward's nose, and Squidward tries to take it off]
Squidward Tentacles: What is this diabolical thing?
[a girl on a sidewalk takes a picture of Squidward on her phone]

[from sneak peek]
Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs, the customers are getting restless.
[the customers are yelling "refunds!"]
Mr. Krabs: Listen up, boy get in there and make me customers some krabby patties.
[SpongeBob screams like a girl when he finds out there are no krabby patties there]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What's wrong, boy?
[He opens the freezer door a little, and he screamed like a girl as well]
Mr. Krabs: We're out of krabby patties?
SpongeBob SquarePants: How can we make more krabby patties without the secret formula?
Mr. Krabs: You've got to have that formuler memorized by now.
SpongeBob SquarePants: But as you are aware, sir, the Employee Handbook clearly states, and I quote, "No employee may in part, or in whole, commit the Krabby Patty secret formula to any recorded, written, or visual form, including memories, dreams, and/or needlepoint".
Mr. Krabs: [He sobbed] Oh, curse you, fine print!

Squidward Tentacles: You know what this needs? Some interpretive dance.

Burger-Beard: I'm gonna scrub my armpits with you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't get it.
Squidward Tentacles: Because you're a sponge.

Patrick Star: Good morning Squidward i'll have the usual with cheese.
Squidward Tentacles: We're out of patties right now!
Patrick Star: No more Krabby Patties? NO!

Squidward Tentacles: Squidasurras rex!

Squidward Tentacles: That sound must mean things are back to normal.


The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004)
Squidward Tentacles: Chum Bucket? Free? Kabby Patty? Plankton? Giving? With?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Patrick, Squidward and I...
Squidward Tentacles: [Leaving] Pass.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, Patrick and I...
Patrick Star: Hi.
SpongeBob SquarePants: ...will bring back the crown and save you from Neptune's wrath. You have nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [worried] Ohh!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [final scene] Mr. Squidward, front and center! I think we both know who rightfully deserves to wear that manager pin.
Squidward Tentacles: I couldn't agree more, sir.
Fish: Hooray for SpongeBob!
[Crowd cheers]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait a second, everybody. There's something I need to say first. I just don't know how to put it.
Squidward Tentacles: I think I know what it is. After going on your life-changing journey, you now realise that you don't want what you thought you wanted. What you really wanted was inside you all along.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Are you crazy? I was just going to say that your fly was down. Manager! This is the greatest day of my LIFE!

Squidward Tentacles: Too bad SpongeBob's not here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here.

Squidward Tentacles: So you're selling Krabby Patties, eh Plankton?
Plankton: That's right, Squidward, and there's a free bucket helmet with every purchase. Care for one?
Squidward Tentacles: No. You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
Plankton: And what's that supposed to mean?
Squidward Tentacles: It means you set up Mr. Krabs. You stole the crown so Neptune would freeze him and you could finally get your stubby paws on the Krabby Patty formula. It was you all along. But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with my paycheck and I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, King Neptune!
Plankton: We'll see about that, Inspector Looselips.
[Plankton laughs and he presses a button on Karen]
Karen the Computer: Now activating helmet brain-control devices.
Squidward Tentacles: Huh?

[Mr. Krabs is marking up the prices for King Neptune]
Squidward Tentacles: One-hundred and one dollars for a Krabby Patty?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: With cheese, Mr. Squidward. With cheese.

Squidward Tentacles: I listen to public radio.

Squidward Tentacles: Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here.

Squidward Tentacles: [Finds SpongeBob in his shower with him] SpongeBob! What are you DOING in here?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I have to tell you something, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: Whatever it is, can't it wait until we get to work?
SpongeBob SquarePants: There's no shower at work.
Squidward Tentacles: What do you WANT?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I just wanted to let you know I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today.
Squidward Tentacles: [shouts] GET OUT!
[kicks SpongeBob out of the window]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [cheerfully, on the ground] Okay! I'll see you at the ceremony!

Squidward Tentacles: Who turned on the AC?
[Sees the frozen Mr. Krabs]
Squidward Tentacles: Mr Krabs! Oh no, this is terrible! Who's going to sign my paycheck?

Squidward Tentacles: One hundred and one dollars for a Krabby Patty?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: With cheese, Mr. Squidward, with cheese.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Club SpongeBob/My Pretty Seahorse (#3.2)" (2002)
Squidward: I order the food, you cook the food. We do that for 40 years, and then we die. That seems like a good deal to me, what do you say?

Squidward Tentacles: Shut your half-wit pieholes!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Good morning, Squidward. Lovely spring day, isn't it?
Squidward: Hmph.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Have you said hello to the flowers today?
Squidward: Hello.
[the flowers hiss at Squidward; he shrieks and runs back inside]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I didn't know Squidward had hay fever. I shall do him a kindness and plant some hypoallergenic flowers.

Squidward: Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery?

Squidward: [to Krabs. ] Why don't you go and ask Cowbob Ranchpants and his friend sir Eat-a-lot.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob. What's with all the nicknames?

Squidward: [crying] Oh, why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery? WHY?

Squidward: Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic Conch: Neither.
Squidward: Oh. Then how about the soup?
Magic Conch: I don't think so.
Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: No? What do you mean "no"? I'm starving here!
Patrick Star: [taking Magic Conch] Here, let me try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: No.
Patrick Star: Hmm... Could *I* have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: Yes.
Patrick Star: All right!
[inhales the sandwich in one gulp like a vacuum]
Patrick Star: Sorry, Squidward.

Squidward: [to Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?
Magic Conch: Try asking again.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: [insulting, sarcastic tone] No.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Graveyard Shift/Krusty Love (#2.16)" (2002)
SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the street just to entertain me. You must really like me!
Squidward: Spongebob, there are two problems with your theory. One, I hate you. And two, how can that be me when I'm standing right here?

Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the... hash-slinging slasher?
SpongeBob: The slash-bringing hasher?
Squidward: The hash-slinging slasher.
SpongeBob: The sash wringing... the trash thinging... mash flinging... the flash springing, bringing the the crash thinging the...
Squidward: Yes. The hash-slinging slasher.

[Squidward and SpongeBob believe they are on the verge of death]
Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sorta liked you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.
Squidward: What?

Squidward: And then, one night, while he was cutting the patties, it happened!
SpongeBob SquarePants: He forget the secret sauce?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob SquarePants: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!

Squidward: Oh calm down, calm down. Alright what was it? There was... the lights
[lights flicker]
Squidward: and the phone
[phone rings]
Squidward: and...
[walls start 'oozing green slime']
Squidward: The walls will use green slime? Oh, wait, they always do that.

Squidward: Wait! If that was you on the phone, and you on the bus... then who was flickering the lights?
[lights flicker]
Squidward: [cut to picutre of the vampire Nosferatu flipping light switch]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Shaking fingers at him] Nosferatu!

Squidward: This is ridiculous! Who wants a krabby patty at three in the morning?
[cutaway to Patrick sleeping in his bed, alarm goes off]
Patrick Star: Oh, boy! Three AM!
[eats patty]

Squidward: Years ago, at this very restaurant, the hash-slinging slasher used to be a frycook, just like you. Only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened...
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand! By mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this?
[At every 'this', SpongeBob removes his arm and a new one grows back]
SpongeBob: Or like this? Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge!
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back!
SpongeBob: OH NO!
Squidward: And he replaced his hand... with a rusty spatula. And then... he got hit by a bus! And, as funeral, they fired him! So now... every... What day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: Tuesday night! His ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: As Seen on TV/Can You Spare a Dime? (#3.7)" (2002)
SpongeBob: [angry] When I need a JOB done I get someone with a JOB to do that JOB!
Squidward: What are you saying?

Squidward: SpongeBob, the remotes broken. Get over here and fix it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I have a better idea. Why don't I get someone whose *job* it is to fix it. See cause when I need a *job* done, I get somebody with a *job* to do that *job*.
Squidward: What are you saying?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aaaaah!
[screams loudly and pushes Squidward's bed to the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Squidward, what in Neptune's name is going on here?
Squidward: We're making a commercial.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: What you're doing is wasting all my money. I told you to rent out only what's absolutely necessary.
Squidward: This is all absolutely necessary.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Then what's all this useless junk?
Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uh, 28.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Then how do you explain that? A second Krusty Krab.
Squidward: Everyone needs an understudy.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [Looking at his look-alike] Well, you got me there. But what about him?
[Points to a clown]
Squidward: This job can get very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: I can be anything I set my mind to. I can be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Or a football-playing king in space, with a moustache.
Squidward: Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, that reminds me. There's something I've always wanted to tell you since the first day I met you: Goodbye.

SpongeBob SquarePants: But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy, and what could be better than handing out smiles?
Squidward: Being dead, or anything else.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I never knew you felt so strongly about it.
Squidward: Where have you been?

Squidward: Are you accussing me of something?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you stole it; two, you stole it; or three, you stole it!

[SpongeBob has discovered that Squidward is homeless]
Squidward: Don't you get it? I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!
SpongeBob: [gasps] Even your paintings?
Squidward: Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them.
[Squidward's stomach is shown in the shape of a picture frame, and then Squidward openly sobs]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sailor Mouth/Artist Unknown (#2.18)" (2001)
[Squidward is teaching art to SpongeBob]
Squidward: Now, repeat after me. I have no talent.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I have no talent.
Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles' talent may rub off on me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles all over my art.
[smiles big with his teeth while Squidward stares at him]
Squidward: Whatever.

Monty P. Moneybags: Who's responsible for this?
Squidward: [angrily] From now on, it's his responsibility!
[puts his artist's hat onto the janitor]
Squidward: Good day to you, sirs!
[storms off]
Monty P. Moneybags: [to the janitor] You, sir, are the greatest artist who ever lived!

Mr. Krabs: Yes sir, that is bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 words you should never use.
Squidward: Don't you mean seven?
Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You, the teacher to my pupil? This isn't art class, it's heaven.
Squidward: Yeah. Well, grab a little piece of heaven and sit down.

SpongeBob SquarePants: These hands were not meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them!
[SpongeBob's hands separate from his arms and hide in a can; Squidward retreives them]
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. You have a pair of yellow dandies here. And with my help, they can be tools of beauty.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Really?
Squidward: [impatient] Really!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow!... Really?

Squidward: Between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off?
Monty P. Moneybags: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks!
[begins laughing]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, see you in the AM, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob! Take that pile of filth out with ya.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that.
Squidward: [Holding a trash bag] He means this filth, you loon!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Dying for Pie/Imitation Krabs (#2.4)" (2000)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I made you this sweater... Do you love it?
Squidward: It's a little itchy. What's it made out of?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Eyelashes.

Mr. Krabs: You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears... and you kill him. How are you going to live with yourself?
Squidward: Kill him?

Mr. Krabs: I've seen this before. When that pie steps up to bat - I mean, hits his lower intestine - Boom!
Squidward: You've seen this before?
Mr. Krabs: Eleven times, as a matter of fact.

Squidward: What is the most fun thing you've always wanted to do?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually, I keep a list of the most fun things I like to do.
Squidward: Great. Let's see it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The things that are extra fun are written in red.
Squidward: Everything's in red!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah, I know!

Mr. Krabs: Just remember the most important rule.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No! The other most important rule, regarading the secret formula.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Right you are! Just remember that, boy, and everything will be fine.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off 'till tomorrow? Ha ha!
Mr. Krabs: What is today but yesterday's tomorrow?

Squidward: I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to explode!
SpongeBob SquarePants: You want me to explode?
Squidward: Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, okay, I'll try. Nnggg... GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!
[laughs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Your turn, Squidward!
Squidward: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU BARNACLE HEAD!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [clapping] Whoa, good one.
Squidward: No! I mean you're supposed to explode into a million pieces!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why would I do that?
Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
SpongeBob SquarePants: What pie?
Squidward: The pie I left on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! THAT pie!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pie... Oh! You mean this pie!
[takes the pie-bomb out of his pocket]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share! Let's eat!
[he trips on a pebble, the pie flies into Squidward's face and explodes]
Squidward: Ow.

[Plankton just created a robot version of Mr. Krabs]
Robot Krabs: Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: What now, Mr. Krabs?
Robot Krabs: That's right, I am Krabs, your boss, your ruler, your master!
[Plankton laughs evily, while Squidward looks at the robot version of Mr. Krabs]
Squidward: You're not Mr. Krabs.
Robot Krabs: Hey, why don't you take the rest of the day off?
Squidward: [laughing] Well... whatever you say, "Mr. Krabs"! Whoopee!
[Squidward then leaves the Krusty Krab]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krab Borg/Rock-a-Bye Bivalve (#3.9)" (2002)
Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs. But how?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, in the movie, the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
Squidward: They poop on the robot?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop. Ask questions, get information.
Squidward: I never thought I'd say this, but SpongeBob, let's get that poop.

Squidward: Why couldn't the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie? Because it was rated "Aarrh".

[about "Robot Krabs"]
Squidward: Um SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?
SpongeBob: ...the movie? OH! The ending was great! Turns out there were no robots, it was just their... imagination...
[Spongebob laughs nervously and looks at watch]
SpongeBob: Hey, it's time to feed Gary...
SpongeBob: [He bolts out the door]
Squidward: [Squidward begins sweeping nervously]
Mr. Krabs: SQUIDWARD!

[SpongeBob and Squidward are accusing Mr. Krabs of being a robot, repeatedly asking the "robot" what happened to the "real" Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: This is one stubborn robot.
Mr. Krabs: [in anger] What? You think I'm a robot?
Squidward: We don't think. We know.
Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: [Spongebob and Squidward approach him with angry looks on their faces] Oh hello boys, what can I do for you?
[Spongebob and Squidward shut the door and lock it]
Mr. Krabs: Heh, heh why did you lock the door?
[nervously]
Mr. Krabs: why do you have that rope?, who's watching the cash register?
[Spongebob and Squidward attack him and tie him to a chair]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!, Squidward!, what is the meaning of this? Untie me this instance!
Squidward: [slaps him] Shut up!
Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones!, what the heck is going on?
Squidward: I said shut up, you bucket of bolts!
[slaps him again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I can't take it!
[runs off crying]
Squidward: SpongeBob are you okay?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!
Squidward: No that's not Mr. Krabs, that's Robot Krabs!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh yeah
Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right
[walks up to Mr. Krabs and slaps him]
Squidward: SpongeBob you have to ask him a question first
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh yeah
[to Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What color is my underwear?
[slaps him again]

[SpongeBob and Squidward see Mr. Krabs with red eyes, tongs, and dead batteries run into the bathroom]
Squidward: [to SpongeBob] I'll evacuate the customers, you call the Navy!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [on the phone] Hello, operator, get me the Navy!
Computerized Voice: Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!
Squidward: NOT THE NAVY!
[speaking over intercom]
Squidward: Attention, everyone, run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world!
[no one moves]
Squidward: OUR WORLD!
[customers freak out and run out of the restaurant]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: New Digs/Krabs á la Mode (#5.5)" (2007)
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob! Why is your underwear in the cash register?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, I had to put it somewhere, and my underwear drawer is full of Krabby Patties, and the freezer is full with my snowflake collection, so I put all the change in the register in the pickle jar.

Mr. Krabs: Who put this sweet-smelling soap in all the restrooms?
Squidward Tentacles: The same person who knitted these napkin holders and embroidered the menus.

Mr. Krabs: There are two ways of getting on my bad side, boys: I don't like kids playing in my yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat.
Squidward Tentacles: That is so selfish!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah. Your yard is really fun. There are kids playing on it right now.
Mr. Krabs: What? Hey, you kids! Get off my yard!

Squidward Tentacles: If SpongeBob is living here, that means he's not living... next to me!
[Lies down on ground making snow angels]
Mr. Krabs: [Watching Squidward on the floor] Must be a full moon.

Squidward Tentacles: It's entirely too cold in here! You have to turn up the thermostat!
Mr. Krabs: [Points to thermostat, which has a sticker reading 62 over the display] The thermostat stays at 62 degrees.
Squidward Tentacles: There are icicles on the ceiling!
Mr. Krabs: I don't care if Santy Claus and Jack Frost are having ice cream cones. Don't... Touch... The thermostat!

Squidward Tentacles: I'm gonna die of hypothermia.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hippo-whatia? What's that mean?
Mr. Krabs: Means he's a big, fat, cry baby.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: MuscleBob BuffPants/Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost (#1.11)" (1999)
[SpongeBob and Patrick think Squidward is a ghost]
Squidward: Enough! Squidward's ghost is feeling unusually generous today, and has decided to spare ye a horrible fate. Sssss. All you must do is obey my every whim and tickle my fancy on demand.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Does that include...?
Squidward: Quiet! Do as you're told, lest you incur the wrath of Squidward!
Patrick: I think they make a cream for that now.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, Patrick, Hike!
[Patrick blows on some chess pieces, while SpongeBob carries a rock and drops it]
SpongeBob SquarePants: You just lost three points.
[climbs coral tree]
SpongeBob SquarePants: One, two, five.
[blows bubble shaped like a G and a 7]
SpongeBob SquarePants: G-7!
Patrick: G-7? King me! King me!
[runs into coral]
Patrick: I lose!
SpongeBob SquarePants: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick.
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
Squidward: [opens window from house] Hey! What are you invertebrates doing?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick: We don't know.

[Patrick and SpongeBob are carring Squidward in his lounge chair]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Here?
Squidward: No, too wet.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Here?
Squidward: No, too hot. Keep moving. Keep moving.
[they move to a spoof of a Henri Toulouse-Lautrec poster]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Here?
Squidward: Too Louse-Lautrec.
[rimshot]

Squidward: I hunger for nourishment.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Nothing but the freshest, your ghostliness. A grape fresh from the vine, your noncorporealness. A banana peeled to your liking, your inmaterialness.
Patrick: [drops a huge watermelon on Squidward's mouth] One watermelon straight from the manure fields, your spookiness.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Art thou not pleased?
Squidward: Enough! I want something else, something hard to find.
SpongeBob SquarePants: We are here to please you.
Patrick: What do you hunger for, master?
Squidward: Cherry pie.
[Patrick pulls out a cherry pie from his back]
Squidward: Where did you get that?
Patrick: I found it.
Squidward: [throws away pie] Well, go find it again!

Squidward: [notices a tombstone outside his house as SpongeBob and Patrick attempt to put him to rest] Spongebob, are you trying to put me in the nuthouse?
SpongeBob: Nope, just into this hole.
Squidward: [sighs] SpongeBob, I have a confession to make...
SpongeBob: [as Squidward takes off the towel on his head, he gasps] You're bald?
Squidward: No, I'm not bald! I'm alive!

Patrick: [returns with the pie Squidward threw earlier] I found it!
Squidward: I'll take that!
[throws it in his face]
Patrick: Yes your ghostliness!
[licks pie off his face]
Patrick: this is fun.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Secret Box/Band Geeks (#2.15)" (2001)
Squidward: But I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT!
Squidward: So if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready?
[band gets ready]
Squidward: And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four.
[band plays loudly, glass breaks]
Squidward: [baton breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no-one can hear us.

[Squidward is trying to start a marching band]
Squidward: OK now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
[Patrick raises his hand again]
Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.
[Patrick lowers his hand]

Squidward: [after an embarrassing incident] Too bad that didn't kill me.

[Squidward tries to start a marching band]
Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [raises his hand] Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking? Oh, I wanna do some kicking!
[Patrick kicks Sandy]
Sandy Cheeks: Why, you...
[fights Patrick; they tumble outside, and after a while, Patrick peeks his head through the door]
Patrick: Whoever is the owner of a white sedan, you left your lights on.
[Patrick walks in and takes his seat; his head has been pulled through his trombone, and he makes a trombone sound as he walks]

Squidward: [answers phone] Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please leave a message after the...
[plays tone on clarinet]
Squilliam: Sounds like you have a dying animal to attend to.
Squidward: Squilliam Fancyson from band class?
Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now.
Squidward: Er, sometimes. How's the unibrow?
Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
Squidward: The Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu...
Squilliam: That's right, I'm living your dream, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Well, I...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll let you get back to the service industry now.
Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't serve fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy?
Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of *ibuprofen*.
[hangs up]
Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast. Drum. He-he. Band humor.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Pizza Delivery/Home Sweet Pineapple (#1.5)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I've got bad news, guys. Look at what happened to my house, it's gone. It's all gone. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna live?
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah!
[surprised look on Patrick's face]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, your house is gone!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [singing] The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza / For you and me / The Krusty Krab pizza / Is the pizza...
Squidward Tentacles: ...and my feet are killing me.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [Chanting] Saved, saved! Saved, saved! Saved-saved, saved-saved, saved-saved-saved-saved-saved-saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Yes, we are saved!
Squidward Tentacles: It's just a stupid boulder.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's not just a boulder. It's a rock.
[Crying]
SpongeBob SquarePants: A rock! A rock! A great, big, beautiful rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob! Will you stop talking about the stupid pioneers? Have you noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive...
[SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the rock]
Squidward Tentacles: ... rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!

Squidward Tentacles: [SpongeBob is being dragged by the wind] Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I can't, it's for the customer!
Squidward Tentacles: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I do!
Squidward Tentacles: Well, I don't!
[the wind stops]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gasp] Squidward!
[wind starts up again]

SpongeBob SquarePants: I think town's that way.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes. Moss always points to civilization.
Squidward Tentacles: That way? That way there? Let me get this straight. You're saying we should go that way?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yup.
Squidward Tentacles: Well, then I'm going this way.
[Walks in the other direction]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh? Wait, Squidward! I don't think...
Squidward Tentacles: Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
[they walk away; camera pulls back to show town in opposite direction]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krabby Land/The Camping Episode (#3.17)" (2004)
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess I'll never know the real meaning of summer. There was a time I thought I knew, but that was a long time ago.
Squidward: You mean this morning?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah.

[after Squidward is attacked by the Seabear]
Squidward: What did I do this time?
SpongeBob: I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
Squidward: Move over!
[he jumps into the Anti-Seabear circle; the Seabear growls at Squidward before seeing the circle and threatens him before moving away]

SpongeBob: I call this one The Campfire Song Song
SpongeBob: [singing] Let's gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song, out C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song and if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along
Patrick: [in Squidward's ear] Baum, baum, baum
SpongeBob: [singing a bit faster] C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, Patrick
Patrick: [singing off key] SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E
SpongeBob: Squidward
Squidward: [silence]
SpongeBob: Good!
SpongeBob: [singing again] It'll help! It'll help! If you just sing along! Oh yeah!

Squidward: I suppose you two are gonna do
[voice-over]
Squidward: One million dollar!

SpongeBob SquarePants: He's right, Squidward, Seabears are all too real. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's *cousin*...
Squidward: YOU'RE RIGHT!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: No Weenies Allowed/Squilliam Returns (#3.8)" (2002)
Squidward Tentacles: [thinking] Lie... lie... lying always makes it worse...
[Speaking]
Squidward Tentacles: I own a five-star restaurant!

[Squidward is worrying about impressing a classmate]
Squidward: [to himself] Don't be intimidated. Picture him in his underwear.
[pictures Squilliam in his underwear - he is extremely muscular]
Squidward: Oh, no, he's hot!

Squilliam Fancyson: On your lunch break, eh Squidie?
Squidward: Uhh... duh... I... um... hey, whatcha been up to?
Squilliam Fancyson: Oh, just exceeding in everything *you* failed in.
Squidward: You are no great gib, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone could be a bigshot in a hicktown like Bikini Bottom.
Squilliam Fancyson: Oh, yeah? Well let's hear what you've accomplished since high school.
Squidward: Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Just picture him in his underwear... Oh, no, he's hot!

Squidward Tentacles: I thought you said you were the head chef of the S.S. Gourmet.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the floors at the Gourmet. I was head chef of the S.S. Diarrhea.

Squidward Tentacles: Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
Patrick Star: You mean like a weenie? Okay!
[Patrick's eyes big and he talks in a goofy voice]
Patrick Star: May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
Squidward Tentacles: All right, I've heard enough. You got the job.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Truth or Square (#6.23)" (2009)
Mr. Krabs: And no falling asleep on the job. That means you, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: What? I have never fallen asleep on duty!
Mr. Krabs: Don't make me have a flashback.
[Montage of Squidward sleeping on the job]
Squidward Tentacles: All right, point taken.

Spongebob: Remember the day Sandy and I got married?
Mr. Krabs: What?
Squidward Tentacles: No!
Patrick Star: I'm freaking out!

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, I had some chores for you, but you wouldn't do them anyway.
Squidward Tentacles: And it only took you eleventy-seven years to figure that out?

Spongebob: I get to lead? I can finally use my leader hat, and my lederhosen.
Patrick Star: Nice.
Squidward Tentacles: Those are just garters, you idiot.

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, what's with the creepy smile?
Squidward Tentacles: I was just - He he! - remembering the world before SpongeBob. Ha ha!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Culture Shock/F.U.N. (#1.10)" (1999)
Squidward: Good evening, and welcome to the first Annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show. Sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty... 'cause no one else would give it a home.

Squidward: ["Talent Night" Audience is booing and throwing food at Squidward] You bottom feeders! You don't even KNOW talent!
Audience: NO TALENT! NO TALENT!

Squidward: The only culture that guy has is in his tennis shoes.

Squidward: How does it feel to be the most hated person in Bikini Bottom? Doesn't feel good, does it? I know.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Valentine's Day/The Paper (#1.16)" (2000)
Squidward: [comes out on drive on car] Hey, SpongeBob, can your stupid paper do this?
SpongeBob: [comes past flying using the paper] Nope...
[flies off]

[Squidward has a look-alike ventriloquist dummy]
Squidward: Say, Little Squidward. What is gray and ugly and has six arms?
Squidward: [as dummy] I don't know, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
Squidward: What? Why you...

Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, I bet you can't play music on a piece of paper.
[plays on his clarinet]
SpongeBob: [he claps] Hurray! That was great, Squidward! All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.
Squidward: I didn't play any wrong notes.
[plays again]
SpongeBob: Yeah, see, you're playing it like this...
[plays like Squidward with the paper]
SpongeBob: when ordinarily it goes like this.
[plays it right]
SpongeBob: [stops playing] I'm partial to playing in the key of A minor myself.
[a huge piece of music appears in the background]

Squidward: Take it, Spongebob! Take it, please! And promise me no matter how much I may beg, and plead, and cry, don't give me that paper back. Ever!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Just One Bite/The Bully (#3.3)" (2001)
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob, if I were trapped in the bottom of a well for three years, and had nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first. And not just the extra ones.
SpongeBob SquarePants: But it's good for you!
Squidward Tentacles: Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Squidward. I meant... good for your soul.
[Celestial light shines on SpongeBob, who has wings and a halo]
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, please. I have no soul
[Fire appears behind Squidward, accompanied by sinister laughter]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, you can't eat all those Krabby Patties at once! Squidward!
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, what's going to happen? Am I gonna blow up?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, worse. They'll go right to your thighs.
Squidward Tentacles: My thighs?
[Pull back on Squidward's enormous legs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And then you'll blow up.
[Explosion; Cut to an ambulance, where Squidward's head is on a seat, while his legs are on a bucket]
Paramedic: Yeah, I remember my first Krabby Patty.

[repeated line]
Squidward Tentacles: I've never had a Krabby Patty!

Squidward Tentacles: [trying to find a place to eat a Krabby Patty without being spotted by SpongeBob] What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?
[a bystander with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty]
Bystander: I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well.
[throws the Krabby Patty in the trash]
Squidward Tentacles: I had to say "garbage"... but okay!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Chocolate with Nuts/Mermaidman and Barnacleboy V (#3.12)" (2002)
[Mermaid Man is talking about his super hero costume]
Mermaid Man: Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?
[pulls on his costume's "underwear" and snaps it]
Squidward: I can think of three good reasons.

Mermaid Man: You fiends can't win. You're out-numbered.
Barnacle Boy: You senile bag of fish paste. There are three of us and only one of you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Make that two.
ManRay: The Quickster.
Squidward: three.
Barnacle Boy: Captain Magma.
Patrick: Four.
The Dirty Bubble: The Elastic Waistband.
Sandy: Five.
Barnacle Boy: M-M-M-Miss Appear.
Mermaid Man: And me makes 10. I think.

Squidward: Ah, Makeout Reef. Good times, good times.

Mermaid Man: Now, who wants to save the world?
SpongeBob: I do!
Patrick: I do!
Sandy Cheeks: I do!
Squidward: I don't.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yes you do, no world means no money, so either save the world, or you're fired!
[Squidward sighs]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Nature Pants/Opposite Day (#1.9)" (1999)
Squidward: Opposite Day. Next time it's gonna be Go Jump Off a Cliff Day.

SpongeBob: And Squidward, I want you to have this can opener.
Squidward: And I thought this friendship would never pay off.

Sandy Cheeks: Hey, SpongeBob. Whatcha doing? Are you having a garage sale?
SpongeBob: No. I'm giving up my material possessions to live a more natural life among the jellyfish.
Sandy Cheeks: SpongeBob, Of all the crazy schemes. Why do you want to live with jellyfish? They're cold and mean and none too bright.
SpongeBob: Oh, Sandy. That is exactly the kind of response I expect from someone who lives the sham of a life I once led. I'm going to prove I don't need any of this stuff to be happy. Maybe someday you'll wise up and join me. Goodbye.
[Takes off pants]
SpongeBob: I won't be needing this.
[Runs off naked, buzzing]
Squidward: He took off his pants.
Sandy Cheeks: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.
[They both leave; Patrick stays behind]
Patrick Star: [Crying] Patrick sad!

Sandy Cheeks: [Placing bets on how long it will take Spongebob to become discouraged by the jellyfish] I give him a week.
Squidward: I give him eleven minutes.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Atlantis SquarePantis (#5.12)" (2007)
Squidward Tentacles: [after the bus crashes in Atlantis] You nymwits haven't been here for 2 minutes, and you've already ruined someone's topiary garden!

Squidward Tentacles: You boobs found the second half of the Atlantean amulet?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What's an Atlantean omelette?
Squidward Tentacles: *Amulet*, not omelette!

Lord Royal Highness: Gentlemen, what *is* art?
SpongeBob SquarePants: [jumping excitedly, a hand in the air] Oh! Me, me! I know, I know!
Squidward Tentacles: [shoving SpongeBob out of the way] I thought you'd never ask! Art is a conscious arrangement of elements that affects the sense of beauty!
Lord Royal Highness: Not even close. Art is what happens when you learn... to *dream*.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Jellyfishing/Plankton! (#1.3)" (1999)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. We're going jellyfishing.
Squidward: Of course you are.
SpongeBob: Wait. Don't you want to join us? We made a net especially for you.
Squidward: [Sarcastic] Me? Go jellyfishing with you guys? Oh, that would be the best day ever in my book. I would love to go jellyfishing. I can't think of anything better to do in my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...
Patrick Star: Patrick.
Squidward: Right. But I can't. Goodbye.
SpongeBob: Next time, then?
Squidward: Oh, sure. Whatever.

Squidward: One Krabby Patty for table two. SpongeBob, I don't have all day.
SpongeBob: [French accent] Oui oui! Un Krabby Patty, Monsieur. First, le patty.
[Tosses the patty in the air and catches it with his pores]
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Next, les ingredients. Aiee!
[Tosses the ingredients in the air and catches them with his pores]
SpongeBob: Le mustard.
[Squirts mustard in the air and catches it in his eye]
Squidward: Le quit fooling around. Where's my Krabby Patty?
SpongeBob: Le hold on a second.
[Takes off his head, shakes it, and puts it back on]
SpongeBob: [Reaches under Squidward's nose and pulls out the completed patty] And voilá! It's under your nose.
[Laughs]
Squidward: Ha-ha! You're killing me, SpongeBob. Ha-ha! You really are.

Plankton: Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet player.
Squidward: Mediocre?
Plankton: You pretentious, insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan's waste.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Your Shoe's Untied/Squid's Day Off (#2.2)" (2000)
Squidward: [to Spongebob] You didn't think I knew you were the branch outside my window, or the toilet in my bathroom, and then you were in my bathtub, and you swam down the plughole, and... beat me... to the... krusty... krab.

[Squidward runs down the street naked]
Squidward: The truth will be revealed!
Patrick: Woo hoo! All right, Squidward!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Four quarters,Four quarters,Four quarters,Four quarters or Ten dimes or Twenty nickels or One hundred pennies or One quarter, three dimes, seven nickels and ten pennies or you give a five thousand pennies then i'll...
Squidward: All right!Fine!I have enough of this!NOW GOODBYE!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Krusty Towers/Mrs. Puff, You're Fired (#4.9)" (2006)
Patrick: Squidward, I don't like crusts on my sandwich.
Squidward: It's a bun Patrick. It's all crusts. How I am supposed to cut the crusts off a bun?
Patrick: Peel it!
[Squidward does so]

Squidward: A bubble bath? Why would I give you a bubble bath?
Patrick: Because Mr. Krabs said you would. Hope that you make my back extra shiny clean.
Squidward: [shouts] That's it, I've had enough.
[Walks out of bathroom]
Patrick: Squidward, wait. The toilet's backed up again.

Squidward: Why would anyone stay at a hotel in Bikini Bottom? It's in the middle of scenic nowhere. There's nothing to do here except get stung by jellyfish.
[Jellyfish stings Squidward]
Squidward: See?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Hall Monitor/Jellyfish Jam (#1.7)" (1999)
[Squidward is in bed, his house is shaking from Spongebob's loud music]
Squidward Tentacles: Spongebob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish... for TWELVE HOURS!

Squidward: SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish,
[shouting]
Squidward: for twelve hours!

[SpongeBob has a jellyfish on a leash]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Squidward. Meet my new pet.
Squidward: That's no pet. That's a wild animal.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No he isn't. He can do tricks.
[Throwing a stick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Fetch!
[Jellyfish fetches stick]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [holding up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?
[Jellyfish buzzes three times]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Play dead!
[Jellyfish is buried under a tombstone, then comes out]
Squidward: I wouldn't let that thing in my house even if it was potty-trained.
[Jellyfish is sitting on a toilet, reading the newspaper and humming]
Squidward: I didn't need to see that.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Nasty Patty/Idiot Box (#3.4)" (2002)
Squidward: Let me get this straight. You two bought a big screen television just so you could play in the box?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn't work.

Squidward: I didn't realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day!

TV Narrator: [Squidward turns on the television, only to see a documentary about boxes] It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.
Old Man Jenkins: [channel changes to Old Man Jenkins in an Austrian accent] The equation is illustrated here by this box.
Nat Peterson: [channel changes to a soap opera] I couldn't afford a present this year, so I got you this box.
Abigail Marge: That's what I got *you!*
Squidward: [increasingly frustrated] Isn't there anything on that isn't about *boxes?*
News Anchor: [channel changes to boxing match] And welcome back to Championship Boxing!
Squidward: I guess this is OK. I mean, it's not really about boxes.
[the bell rings and two boxes go at each other]
Squidward: I give up.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Big Pink Loser/Bubble Buddy (#2.3)" (2000)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bubble Buddy's thirsty.
Squidward Tentacles: How about a glass of our finest shampoo?
[Laughs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Sounds great.
[Squidward stops laughing and goes to get the shampoo]
Squidward Tentacles: Here's your hair product, sir.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bubble Buddy likes bendy straws.
[Squidward bends the straw]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh, what's that? Bubble Buddy says it tastes funny. What do you think?
Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [chews the food for an elderly custormer] Think of the customer.
Squidward Tentacles: [Tastes shampoo] Oh, silly me. I brought the diet shampoo.

Mr. Krabs: He owes me money!
Squidward: He made me provide excellent service!

Squidward Tentacles: He's an inanimate object. His money's no good here.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [Comes out of the cash register] What are you saying, Mr. Squidward? Everyone's money is good here.
[Cut to an escaped convict eating a Krabbby Patty]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: At the Krusty Krab, we serves all kinds.
Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs, I'm not taking an order for a bubble!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Sure you are, or I'll fill your life with misery and woe.
[Goes back inside the register, then pops out again]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Even if you quit.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SB-129/Karate Choppers (#1.14)" (1999)
Sandy Cheeks: I love karate.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I love kara-te.
Mr. Krabs: I love money-e.
Squidward: I hate all of you.

Squidward: [Curls into a ball and rocks back and forth] Future... Future... Future...
[Spongetron drops a brick on his head]
Squidward: ...Thanks.

SpongeBob Squarepants: [as SpongeTron] Welcome to the future!
Squidward: Uh, the future...
[notices everything's chrome]
Squidward: Huh? Okay, uh, what's going on here? Why is everything... chrome?
SpongeBob Squarepants: Everything is chrome in the future.
Squidward: Wha...?
[stammers then runs to look outside a window]
Squidward: Oh, my...
[notices the chrome environment]
Squidward: Impossible! He's lying!
[sees a flower pop up, then someone comes by and sprays the flower with chrome spray paint]
Squidward: He's right!
SpongeBob Squarepants: Of course I'm right, Squidward. Just ask my clones: SpongeTrons X, Y, and Z.
Squidward: Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?
SpongeBob Squarepants: Sure, all 486 of them.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Naughty Nautical Neighbors/Boating School (#1.4)" (1999)
Squidward: That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself!
[Goes to bathtub; finds Patrick inside]
Squidward: Ahhhh!
Patrick: Hey, buddy! I warmed it up for you!
Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on!
SpongeBob: [Peeking through the window] Something wrong, best friend? Oho, so this is what I find - my best friend and my ex-best friend and... rubber bath toys!

Squidward: If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready, Squidward!
Squidward: Ready to move?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, ready to get my boating license.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: All That Glitters/Wishing You Well (#4.12)" (2006)
Patrick: Patrick: You should work out more.
Squidward: Squidward: Well, why don't I just start right now? After all, I got a couple of dumbbells right here.
[laughs]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Umm, Squidward you're stepping on my foot.
Squidward: Oh, sorry SpongeBob
Patrick: And you got you're elbow in my ribs!
Squidward: Eeew...
Patrick: And stop stepping in my potato salad!

Squidward: [Patrick gets close to Squidward in the well] Stop standing so close to me Patrick, you're making me claustrophobic.
Patrick: What does that mean?
SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Patrick: HO HO HO! Hehehe...


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Fools in April/Neptune's Spatula (#1.19)" (2000)
Squidward Tentacles: [after Squidward goes too far pulling an April Fool's Prank on Spongebob] Where's Spongebob?
Patrick: He's in the house. He's impressed.
Squidward Tentacles: With what?
Patrick: I don't know, but it must have been pretty good to make him cry like that.

Squidward Tentacles: Why is it when I'm having fun... it's wrong?

Squidward Tentacles: Why is he so happy about?
[Sees the calendar set on April 1st]
Squidward Tentacles: Aah! April 1st? April Fool's Day is SpongeBob's favorite holiday!
[Dials phone]
Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs, I can't come in to work today. I caught something horrible.
Mr. Krabs: What'd you catch?
Squidward Tentacles: I caught sight of the calendar.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm/Squid on Strike (#2.20)" (2001)
Patrick: We should take Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else!
Squidward: That idea may just be crazy enough... to get us all killed!

Squidward: [addressing the people of Bikini Bottom through a megaphone while on strike from the Krusty Krab] With your support, we will send the hammer of the people's will crashing through the windows of Mr. Krabs' HOUSE OF SERVITUDE!
[everyone cheers]
Fish #1: Wow, all this supporting is making me hungry.
Fish #2: Hey, everybody, let's go get a Krabby Patty!
[everyone cheers and run into the Krusty Krab, trampling Squidward as they do]
Squidward: Nobody gives a care about the fate of labor as long as they can get their instant gratification.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick SmartPants/SquidBob TentaclePants (#4.8)" (2005)
Squidward: [Spongebob and Squidward are sharing the same body] Sandy, that's got to get us separated!
Sandy Cheeks: [holds up device] Say hello to the Molecular Separator Ray!
Squidward: [smoothly] Hello, Molecular Separator Ray!

Squidward: Spongebob, you buffoon!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ha. Everyone knows I'm a sponge. I look nothing like a balloon.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Help Wanted/Reef Blower/Tea at the Treedome (#1.1)" (1999)
Mr. Krabs: Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly.
[whispering]
Mr. Krabs: Anchovies.
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: ANCHOVIES!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Krabs, Please give me a chance. I'll prove to you that I'm fry cook material. Just ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me.
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward step aside to confer]
Squidward: [Deep inhale] No.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy IV/Doing Time (#3.5)" (2002)
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob will you just face facts? You've shrunken everyone in Bikini Bottom! You've got to go to Mermaid Man!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh Squidward he'll be so disappointed.
Sandy Cheeks: Well you can't leave us small forever!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [on the verge of tears] But you don't understand!
Mrs. SquarePants: [Spongebob's parents appear in the jar] SpongeBob you need to admit your mistakes
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mom?
Mermaid Man: Your mother's right son, Mermaid Man will understand
Barnacle Boy: You're Mermaid Man you old coot!
Mermaid Man: Oh yeah.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [about using Mermaid Man's belt to return Squidward to normal size] If only I knew how to work this thing!
Patrick Star: Let me take a look at it.
[looks at the belt for a while]
Patrick Star: Hmmm, you know what the problem is?
SpongeBob SquarePants: What?
Patrick Star: You got it set to "M" for mini, when it should be set to "W" for wumbo
[turns the M on the belt upside down]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Partrick I don't think wumbo is a real word
Patrick Star: Oh come on SpongeBob! You know, I wumbo, You wumbo, He she me wumbo, wumbo, Wumboing, We'll have thee wumbo, Wumborama, Wumbology, The study of wumbo? It's first grade SpongeBob!
Squidward Tentacles: [looking down while he is being held in Patrick's hand] I wonder if a fall from this height could be enough to kill me?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One (#6.11)" (2009)
Jack Kahuna Laguna: There's one thing I forgot to tell you. In return for its awesomeness, the Big One always demands a sacrifice. One of you will not return.
Squidward Tentacles: I volunteer SpongeBob!

Squidward Tentacles: [Jack Kahuna Laguna gets swallowed by the Big One] I guess the Big One prefers a high-protein diet.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Scaredy Pants/I Was a Teenage Gary (#1.13)" (1999)
Squidward: Will you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward could you watch Gary this weekend?
Squidward: What's a Gary?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Not a Gary... Gary he's my pet snail
[shows him Gary]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Say hello!
[shows a closeup of Gary who's drooling a lot]
Squidward: Yuck! You actually care for that thing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I love Gary!
Squidward: Well I don't, get somebody else!
[walks away]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess we can't go away this weekend after all Patrick
[Squidward stops and thinks]
Squidward: Go away?
[walks over to SpongeBob]
Squidward: You mean if I watch Gary you guys will be gone all weekend?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Actually a three day weekend
Squidward: As in not here for three days?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Yeah but you've already said you can't do it, we understand
Patrick Star: Don't feel bad Squidward
[puts his arms around him and SpongeBob]
Patrick Star: the three of us can have our own jellyfish convention at your house!
Squidward: [reacts in fear] I changed my mind, you guys deserve to have a weekend away!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: New Student Starfish/Clams (#3.13)" (2002)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, Squidward. You want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?
Squidward Tentacles: How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Poor Mr. Krabs, gone out of our lives forever. Why couldn't it have been me?
Squidward Tentacles: Yes! Why couldn't it have been you?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Why did he have to leave us like this?
Squidward Tentacles: Why did he have to leave me tied up to this idiot?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: BubbleStand/Ripped Pants (#1.2)" (1999)
SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. Would you like to blow a bubble?
Patrick Star: How much is it?
SpongeBob: One quarter.
Patrick Star: Sounds reasonable. Uhh...
[whispering]
Patrick Star: I'm going to have to borrow a quarter.
SpongeBob: Here you go.
[Hands Patrick a quarter]
Patrick Star: Ah, one quarter.
[Gives it back to SpongeBob; he tests it to see if it's real, then puts it in his pocket]
SpongeBob: Thank you.
Squidward: Hmm. Business is booming.

Squidward: How did I ever get stuck with such loser neighbors?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Welcome to the Chum Bucket/Frankendoodle (#2.14)" (2002)
Mr. Krabs: I'm afraid you don't work here anymore.
Squidward: Please tell me this isn't a joke.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Go ahead! Tell him! Tell him all about your cruel, sick joke!
Plankton: As much as I love cruel, sick jokes, I'm afraid he's not joking. You work for me now!

[after struggling with DoodleBob over the pencil, it breaks with SpongeBob holding the point and DoodleBob with the eraser]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, Doodle, it looks like this is a draw.
[DoodleBob sharpens his half with his teeth]
SpongeBob SquarePants: You've made your point. No matter. I was voted most artistic in high school.
[the pencil slips from his hand and flies out the window]
Squidward: [Off screen] Ouch! SpongeBob, you're gonna pay for that!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I think it was most clumsy.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Grandma's Kisses/Squidville (#2.6)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow, everyone's in a good mood today.
Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob. They're laughing at you, not with you.

Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I would be able to brag about it. I would...
[a rock falls on his head]
Squidward: I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection and skip rope with it than go on living where I do now.
Squid: [on TV] Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain stem, walk out into the nearest three-way...
Squidward: Four-way.
Squid: Four-way intersection and skip rope with it than continue living where you do now?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Lost Mattress/Krabs vs. Plankton (#4.2)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Defense calls Mr. Squidward to the stand.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, Squidward. A loyal employee.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr... Tentacles, is it? My client has been called cheap. Do you agree with this ludicrous statement?
Squidward: Yes.
Mr. Krabs: What?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Let me rephrase the question. Can you recall an instance of Mr. Krabs' generosity in any way?
Squidward: Nope. Can I go now? My first day off in three years and I have to spend it testifying?

Squidward: Okay, here's the plan. You two sneak in there, remove the mattress from underneath the guard worm, without waking the worm.
Patrick Star: Why not?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because that would be rude, Patrick.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Curse of Bikini Bottom/Squidward in Clarinetland (#7.7)" (2009)
Squidward: This is an outrage! I no longer tolerate my personal items being soiled by the ravels that crawls in this restaurant! I demand a place to put my stuff!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm... Okay, uhhh, I suppose you could put it with the nacho cheese. No one's got near that in years.
Squidward: You ever read this?
[Hands out a book]
Mr. Krabs: [reading] "Bikini Bottom Labor Regulations"? Ewww! GROSS!
[grows hives]
Mr. Krabs: GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME! IT'S GIVING ME HIVES!
Squidward: It specifically states that all employers must provide his or her employees with a secure, clean place to store personal property.
Mr. Krabs: Gahh! Blast you, Squidward! You drive a hard bargain. I guess I could rustle something up for ya.

SpongeBob: Do we share our lockers like we share hairnets?
Squidward: Not at a whale's age.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Spongicus/Suction Cup Symphony (#6.3)" (2008)
Squidward: SpongeBob, will you cut that out? Can't you see I am trying to hone my musical talent?
SpongeBob SquarePants: You mean that wasn't gastrointestinal distress?

Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: Uhh, I dunno. I'm funny?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Christmas Who? (#2.8)" (2000)
Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Patrick: Like a genie!

Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane drivel that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee, SquidWard, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Skill Crane/Good Neighbors (#4.4)" (2005)
Squidward: I'm a winner! See my prize! You're a loser who sits and cries!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [after Squidward slammed the door in their faces] Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
Squidward: [Bursting his head through the door, screaming] YES, I WAS! *You* call yourselves good neighbors? You're the worst neighbors *ever!* You don't deserve to wear those fezzes!
[Takes off fezzes and stomps them into the ground]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee, Pat. Maybe President Squidward's right!
Patrick Star: Yeah, I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.
Squidward: [Exploding once more] No, you aren't! You're *horrible* neighbors!
[hyperventilates]
Squidward: And stop calling me President!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [despondent] Come on, Let's go.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Mermaidman and Barnacleboy/Pickles (#1.6)" (1999)
Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: [unenthusiastic] Hooray.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Whoop-dee-doo.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Oh, Boy...
SpongeBob SquarePants: And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place while I was gone: Squidward. Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hip-hip...
Deep vioce in crowd: Boo! You stink!

Squidward: Let me guess, tiny. A small salad?
Bubblebass: I want a triple barfy deluxe on a raft, four-by-four animal style; an extra side of shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze; light axle grease, make it cry, burn it and let it swim.
Squidward: We serve food here, sir.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Something Smells/Bossy Boots (#2.1)" (2000)
SpongeBob SquarePants: What's in the box?
Pearl: It's a surprise.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I like surprises.
Pearl: Great, then close your eyes.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready!
[Pearl puts box over SpongeBob]
Squidward: Well, I like it so far.
Pearl: [Lifts box; SpongeBob is wearing a pink flower leotard with deely-bobs] Ta-da! It's the new Krusty Krab uniform. I made it myself.
Squidward: All right, SpongeBob, this is it. Now tell her what you really think of that uniform.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Right. Pearl... this is the best uniform ever!
Squidward: Fish paste.

Pearl: SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Krazy Krab, or the Kooky Krab?
Squidward: For what, dare I ask?
Pearl: The new name for our new look. I mean, the Krusty Krab has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think it's crusty? Bleagh!
Squidward: Sure, it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I got it! How about the Khaotic Krab?
Pearl: Or the Kissy Krab? Mwa-mwa-mwa.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The King Krab.
Pearl: The Kandy Krab.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Kool Krab. Or the Kowboy Krab. The Kurly Krab. The Kreepy Krab. The Killer Krab!
Pearl: Ahh! No.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You're right, too scary.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Pearl: Hmm... The Kuddly Krab!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Born Again Krabs/I Had an Accident (#3.16)" (2003)
Patrick: I guess I'll have to find a new best friend. Hey. Squidward.
Squidward: NO.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [snowboarding] Hey, Sandy! Watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.
Squidward: Stop naming moves after me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [imitating Squidward] Everybody's an idiot except me.
Squidward: Well, it's true.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Original Fry Cook/Night Light (#5.2)" (2007)
[flashback: Squidward has long, flowing hair]
Jim: We should open our own place and stop lining old man Krabs's pockets.
Squidward Tentacles: No thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
Jim: What if it never does? Don't you want something to fall back on?
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah, and maybe my long, luxurious hair will fall off, but I ain't buying a wig yet.
[Squidward's hair falls off]
Jim: Well, while you go wig shopping, I'll go have a talk with old man Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: I appreciate you, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: [sarcastically] Now I feel complete.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Thing/Hocus Pocus (#4.16)" (2007)
Squidward: I'm not going to let you two monsters ruin my evening.
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're not here to ruin it. We're here to *enhance* it.

Squidward: Brine soda, low-sodium coral crisps, cool jazz... Mmm-mmm-mmm, Squidward, you have done it. You have officially spoiled yourself rotten.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Then let the rotting continue, friend, as I astound and amaze you with some... magic!
Squidward: Magic? Can you make yourself disappear?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Silly Squidward. I can't do disappearing spells until I become a level 10 wizard.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: 20,000 Patties Under the Sea/The Battle of Bikini Bottom (#5.17)" (2007)
[Patrick chases Spongebob into the Krusty Krab kitchen while picking his nose]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold!
Mr. Krabs: Gold?
[eagerly runs into the kitchen, in search of the gold in question, but comes out with nothing]
Squidward: Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?
Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Fear of a Krabby Patty/Shell of a Man (#4.1)" (2005)
Squidward Tentacles: Is number five's order ready yet, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Just a moment, Squidward. Well, Krabby Patty, it's time for you to go. You grew up so fast.
[sniff]
SpongeBob SquarePants: I told myself I wouldn't do this. Just take it! Take it, Squidward!
[cries]
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, Brother. Number five! Number five!
SpongeBob SquarePants: That's me!
[eats Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mmm. My compliments to the chef.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Sleepy Time/Suds (#1.15)" (2000)
SpongeBob Squarepants: [after waking up from a bad dream] Ah!
[sees everyone hovering over his bed, all looking quite irritable with him]
SpongeBob Squarepants: Hey, what are you all doing in your pajamas? Are we having a slumber party?
Squidward: No, we are not having a slumber party!
Sandy Cheeks: Do us all a favor, SpongeBob, and stay out of our dreams!
[everyone grumbles in agreement]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Take a hike!
Squidward: Don't we get enough of you during the day?
Gary: Meow!
Patrick: Does anybody have a quarter?
[everyone stares at Patrick]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: House Fancy/Krabby Road (#6.1)" (2008)
Squidward: Help me move this sofa.
SpongeBob: You got it, Squiddy. Where we moving her to?
Squidward: Hang on, I'm trying to get a grip on the thing. Now don't move it till I say...
[SpongeBob moves the sofa towards Squidward and it slides onto Squidward's toenail and he screams in pain]
Squidward: Okay, it's on my foot. Now don't...
[SpongeBob moves the sofa again more onto Squidward's toenail and he screams again]
SpongeBob: Okay!
[SpongeBob moves the sofa away from Squidward and the it rips off Squidward's toenail]
Squidward: OW! SpongeBob! I told you not to move it till I said...
[SpongeBob drops the sofa onto Squidward's foot]
Squidward: OW! Why do you keep moving it?
SpongeBob: Cause you keep saying "OW!".


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Dear Vikings/Ditchin' (#6.14)" (2008)
Gordon: [the vikings have kidnapped Spongebob and Squidward] Now that you're part of our crew, I guess we should introduce ourselves.
[punches one viking on the chest]
Gordon: This is Olaf.
[slaps another viking on the chest]
Gordon: And this is Olaf.
[points to another viking]
Gordon: And this is Olaf.
[points to another viking]
Gordon: This... is Olaf, Olaf, Olaf, Olaf...
[comes up to one more viking; tries to think]
Gordon: And... um...
Olaf: [grunting] Olaf.
Gordon: Olaf.
Squidward: So, let me guess: your name must be...
Gordon: That's right, Gordon.
Spongebob: Nice to meet ya.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: The Chaperone/Employee of the Month (#1.12)" (1999)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward. Hey Squidward.
Squidward: Okay, I'll bite. What is it.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Do you know what day it is?
Squidward: Annoy Squidward Day?
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, silly. That's on the fifteenth.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Gullible Pants/Overbooked (#6.19)" (2009)
Squidward: Wake me up when I care.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Hooky/Mermaidman and Barnacleboy II (#1.20)" (2000)
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! What the halibut is going on?
Squidward: It's a feeding frenzy, Mr. Krabs, and SpongeBob is still not back from his break.
[Mr. Krabs laughs]
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. No one has taken a break in the Krusty Krab since the chum famine of '59. Now, what was that you said?
Squidward: He took a break.
[Mr. Krabs stands shocked for a moment; his claws and nose fall off]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Whale of a Birthday/Karate Island (#4.11)" (2006)
Squidward: [singing] When my tear ducts give issue / I can't use just any tissue / I need four-ply, four-ply, four-ply / When I cry.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Shanghaied/Gary Takes a Bath (#2.13)" (2001)
SpongeBob SquarePants: [an anchor swings into SpongeBob's pineapple above the sea] Holy shrimp!
[runs to Squidward's house]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! Squidward. The sky had a baby!
Squidward Tentacles: That's not a baby. That's a giant anchor. Now go away!
Squidward Tentacles: [walks up to SpongeBob]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
SpongeBob SquarePants: I know. What do you think we should we name it?


"SpongeBob SquarePants: PreHibernation Week/Life of Crime (#2.7)" (2001)
Sandy Cheeks: [Leadind a search for SpongeBob] Status report!
Male Fish: [Covered in sea urchins] He's not in the poison sea urchin beds.
Sandy Cheeks: Well, look again!
Female Fish: [Covered in leeches] He's not in the leech farm.
Sandy Cheeks: Well, look again!
Squidward Tentacles: He's not in my thoughts.
Sandy Cheeks: Well, think again!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: That Sinking Feeling/Karate Star (#7.18)" (2010)
Patrick Star: No need to thank us.
Squidward: [enraged] THANK YOU?
Patrick Star: You're welcome.
[he ducks as Squidward tries to grab him]
Patrick Star: Miss.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Tentacle-Vision/I Heart Dancing (#7.1)" (2009)
[much to Squidward's annoyance, "Fab and Fancy" has been cancelled in favor of "The Guitar Lord"]
Zeus: Hey. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I would want a really killer one like this!
[pulls out a paper, showing a red guitar]
Squidward: [scoffs, upset] He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!
Zeus: [shows his phone number: "1-32G-LORD"] So, here's my number if you want to talk about...
[phone rings]
Zeus: Hello?
Squidward: [angrily] Where is my "Fab and Fancy"?
Zeus: Your... what?
Squidward: I'm quite certain you wouldn't know culture if it bit you on the guitar!
Zeus: Uh... hummm... I don't have a guitar.
Squidward: Do they just give a show to just anybody over there?
Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.
Squidward: [surprised] Really?
Zeus: Yeah. I wanted a guitar or a star named after me... but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.
Squidward: It's that easy?
[hangs up phone and dials a number]
Squidward: Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access?
[excitedly]
Squidward: Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show! I want a show!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Snowball Effect/One Krabs Trash (#3.6)" (2002)
Squidward Tentacles: Thanks, but no thanks, Major Stupidity! You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me!


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Wet Painters/Krusty Krab Training Video (#3.10)" (2002)
Squidward: Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else!
Narrator: Uh-uh-uh, Squidward! Remember what Mr. Krabs says:
[cardboard cutout of Krabs accompanied by a dialogue bubble]
Mr. Krabs: The money is always right!
Patrick: The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Banned in Bikini Bottom/Stanley S. SquarePants (#5.20)" (2007)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi, Squidward. I'd like you to meet my cousin, Stanley.
Stanley S. SquarePants: We're related.
Squidward: [alarmed] There's two of them?
[Squidward screams and runs back to his house, where he gathers his things, puts a "for sale" sign out front and throws his stuff into a moving truck going by, before getting in himself]
Squidward: STEP ON IT!
[the truck drives away]


"SpongeBob SquarePants: Selling Out/Funny Pants (#4.5)" (2005)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Time to go to work, Squidward. Another day, another dollar.
Squidward Tentacles: More like another nickel.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [Cracks up laughing] Good one, Squidward!
[Laughs all the way to work]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Another day, another nickel.
[Laughs]
Squidward Tentacles: It's not that funny!
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's funny 'cause it's true.