Crow T. Robot
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Quotes for
Crow T. Robot (Character)
from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)

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"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)
[repeated line]
[a character looks directly at the camera]
Crow T. Robot: What do you, the viewers at home, think?

Crow T. Robot: Well, just come to see what you've done with all the grant money...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, my God!

Gypsy: Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Yes?
Gypsy: I don't get you!
Crow T. Robot: Oh.
Gypsy: Are you mad?
Crow T. Robot: [gruffly] NO!
Crow T. Robot: No.
Gypsy: Good. Because I want to like you, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.
Crow T. Robot: Sure... Uh... What's not to get, though Gypsy? I just am. I hang out.
Gypsy: Ohh. Oh. I know. It's just that, well, you know, I don't really get you.
Crow T. Robot: Well, okay... Maybe I can help. To start with, uh, I'm a robot. I use cyber-based bubble memory. Is THAT what's confusing you?
Gypsy: Uhh... No.
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I work off UNIX and can use a variety of operating systems?
Gypsy: Uhh... I guess that's a start...
Crow T. Robot: Well... I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom culminating in my current Zarasthustrian sense of self. Is that it?
Gypsy: Nooo... If that helps you, its good, but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy! I don't know what... Is it that I often panic when making sandwiches?
Gypsy: Yeah! Well maybe its that kind of thing...
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I smell conspiracy in everything and I don't know what I mean most of the time?
Gypsy: Uh, that's perhaps a small piece of the puzzle... but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy... Is it an odor?
Gypsy: No. Well... No. Well... maybe it's TOM I don't get!
Crow T. Robot: [losing it] Ohhhh brother! Like a Zippo lighter without any flint!

Crow T. Robot: This is really something. I don't know what, but it's something.

Doomsday Satellite: Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.
Crow T. Robot: Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!
Joel: It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.
Tom Servo: Try ego!
Crow T. Robot: Sideburns!
Joel: I'll try "I, Robot."
Doomsday Satellite: [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.
Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot: [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh?
Joel: This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!
Crow T. Robot: Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?
Tom Servo: Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!
Joel: This is TERRIBLE guys.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.

Crow T. Robot: This is a job for... regular guy.

Crow T. Robot: Uh, I forgot how my muscles work.

Mr. Parkins: See you when I can.
Crow T. Robot: Is that vague enough for you?

Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: That no one can hear you laugh!
[manically laughs]
Joel: Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester: Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.
[cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian: [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine
Russian Comedian: How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts
[Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian: thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel: Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester: Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Joel: Really?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.
[evil laugh]
Crow T. Robot: What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel: Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo: Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies
[Picks up a stack of tapes]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!

Tom Servo: This is a story about a robot named Crow. Can you guess what Crow has been thinking? Crow has been thinking hard... or as hard as he can think anyway... on how the satellite has been so darn clean. It wasn't clean this morning, so think hard, Crow. Think really hard Crow - you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a brain and...
Crow T. Robot: Hey, knock it off!
Tom Servo: [as different images of Gypsy are shown] Oh, sorry. Ah, yes. Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego? Who debugs the massive computer control center because our own feeble brains can't add fractions? Who provides the water in which you could bathe your filthy oil-stained carcass? Who goes on mind-bendingly dangerous missions on the outside in cold unforgiving space while you sit cozy sipping cocoa and watching Tiny Toons? Pinch yourself hard, Mr. Robot. You deserve it. You think you're all sunshine and goodness, but you're just dirt between the toes of an evil troll. That's right. Who periodically changes the plutonium rods in the nuclear bowels deep inside the nuclear reactor of the ship while you sit feasting on gooey handfuls of Fiddle Faddle and play hopscotch and marbles and spring in the...
Crow T. Robot: Hey just a darn blasting minute. What are you trying to do, lay it all on me? You're the laziest robot I've ever seen!
Tom Servo: Oh, I see, It's me now is it. It's too painful to look into the deep dark truthful mirror, eh. You make me sick.
Crow T. Robot: [as Gypsy enters] I thought you looked sick but it's always hard to tell with you.
[both see Gypsy]
Crow T. Robot: I gotta go clean my room now.
Tom Servo: I gotta go clean his room too.

General: Did you know flying a plane is like making love?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you have to pay?

Crow T. Robot: I don't think it's a good idea to kill someone when they're driving.

Crow T. Robot: Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.
Joel: And a bad thing?
Crow T. Robot: It was this long.

Crow T. Robot: On behalf of all girls, none of us is going to the dance with you.

Scientist in movie: You are a cynical, suspicious man.
Crow T. Robot: No I'm not! Who told you that?

Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...
Joel: Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo: Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...
Joel: Huh?
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Um... well, hilarity, anyway.

Crow T. Robot: You're really stupid if you get hit by a car AFTER the Apocalypse.

Crow T. Robot: What is this, the airplane of Dr. Caligari?

Pearl Forrester: Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!
Pearl Forrester: And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.
Dr. Forrester: Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...
Pearl Forrester: Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.
Dr. Forrester: So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.
Crow T. Robot: What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!
Pearl Forrester: Huh.
Dr. Forrester: Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"
Crow T. Robot: Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!
Mike Nelson: Hey!
Crow T. Robot: You guys are gonna be in my movie!
Mike Nelson: Alright, yeah.
Pearl Forrester: And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.
Crow T. Robot: Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?
Pearl Forrester: Well, again guys, this is the big time.

Joel: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow T. Robot: You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom Servo: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel: The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow T. Robot: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel: Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom Servo: Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow T. Robot: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom Servo: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow T. Robot: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom Servo: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow T. Robot: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Tom Servo: Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?
Crow T. Robot: Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
Tom Servo: Huh.
Joel: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
Crow T. Robot: No, you don't suppose?
Tom Servo: Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!
Joel, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!

Mike Nelson: You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.
Crow T. Robot: You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.

Mike Nelson: You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: But Captain Mike...
Mike Nelson: Your agonizer, please.
Crow T. Robot: Agonizer, agonizer... Where the heck did I put that doohickey?
Mike Nelson: It's right there on your belt.
Crow T. Robot: No. No, that's not it.
Mike Nelson: It is, too.
Crow T. Robot: Nope...

Crow T. Robot: I've been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it's awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. "Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What's in those barrels anyway?"

Crow T. Robot: Oh. Well, I'm glad you found it. This is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed for expensive private academies, because Joel, privilege has its own odor. What do you think, sirs?
TV's Frank: Joel! Grades aren't important... it's the SAT's that count. Well, now the good doctor and I would like to make a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment. Move over comedy clubs, move over trendy discussion salons, move over karaoke bars, here comes ventriloquism! Big, broad, sassy, and brassy. And now Deep 13, in association with George Slaughter Productions, would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his lovable sidekick, Resusci-Annie.
Dr. Forrester: Hello uh, this is Resusci-Annie. We secured over two thousand of these previously-owned CPR demonstration dolls and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom of the 90's. And without further ado uh, it's time to sit back and laugh and learn with Resusci-Annie. Hehe. Say hello to the nice folks Resusci. Hello nice folks. Resusci, I implore you to be kind and courteous to these well meaning and clean, uh, people here today. I wanna go find some chicks. Heh, but Resusci, you is a chick! I said Resusci, you is a chick! Uh, Frank something's wrong this looks like the big one... I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie, you dial 911 while drinking water. Your film today, Joel, is a little film which stars no one. It features a giant lame lobster and oh... breathe two, three, four. It's called "Teenagers from Outer Space" and it is a spunky load of noodles.

Joel: Why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Because she got an arrow in her chest.

Crow T. Robot: Killed by a tether ball.

Mike Nelson: You know Ed Wood agonized over this scene.
Crow T. Robot: And now we are.

Crow T. Robot: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

Crow T. Robot: A brain the size of a walnut.
Joel: The dinosaur?
Crow T. Robot: No, the director.

[a film shows people skiing]
Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah? Well you're full of skit.

Crow T. Robot: That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo: Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo: Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel: Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo: I hardly think that's possible.
Joel: Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right.

Crow T. Robot: Trash talking wasn't very good yet. All you could say was "ARRGHGHR."

[repeated line]
Crow T. Robot: A planet where apes evolved from men?

Crow T. Robot: Hmm, Coke, Sprite, Pepto Bismol, United Airlines... Steve Guttenburg...

Crow T. Robot: Hooker's a good cop!
Joel: I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!

Crow T. Robot: Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...
Tom Servo: Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...
Joel: Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.

Crow T. Robot: You're not my real father, Joel!

Tom Servo: Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel: Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, so you burn it every night?
Joel: Oh, don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!

Joel: We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Crow T. Robot: But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.
Tom Servo: Dames like this always got beer around.
Joel: What?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Tom Servo: Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.
[Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]
Tom Servo: Poe!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Ohhhhhhhh...

Tom Servo: Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!
Crow T. Robot: I did it!

Crow T. Robot: Oh, he must mean David More.
Tom Servo: No, he's on TV-4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More on 4.
Tom Servo: No, that's a black gospel singing group.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More by 4.
Tom Servo: Isn't that an off road truck?
Tom Servo: No, that's a 4 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.
Tom Servo: No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.

Joel: Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom Servo: What's a "doggie do"?
Crow T. Robot: What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...
Joel: Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow T. Robot: hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...

Crow T. Robot: Put your shoes on, we're at the monster.

Crow T. Robot: Martin Landau, wasn't he on Mission:Impossible?
Tom Servo: Yes, and he married Barbara Bain.
Crow T. Robot: Like I said, Mission:Impossible.

Crow T. Robot: I think you're supposed to strangle me 'till I'm dead.

General: Don't shoot to kill.
Tom Servo: DON'T shoot to kill?
Crow T. Robot: Shoot to pick off, yeah that's the ticket.

Stewardess: Welcome aboard.
Crow T. Robot: You're in the part of the plane that falls off.

Sergi: There's an unidentified object up ahead.
Crow T. Robot: What is it?

Crow T. Robot: There's always a boring shot.
Joel: Yeah.
Tom Servo: My shorts are never boring.
Joel: Thank you, Tom.

Crow T. Robot: You know it's gonna be funny, he's wearing corderoy

Crow T. Robot: [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.
Tom Servo: That was pathetic.
Joel: Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom Servo: Maybe for fiction!

Crow T. Robot: Joel? Joel?
Joel: Yeah Crow buddy?
Crow T. Robot: Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?
Tom Servo: They call me Mr Tibbs!
Gypsy: Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!
Magic Voice: From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...
Joel: That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.

Joel: [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow T. Robot: 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Tom Servo: Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel: I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?
Tom Servo: D'oh!
TV's Frank: Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Forrester: What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
TV's Frank: Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?

Crow T. Robot: She could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence

Crow T. Robot: Let's get the dog drunk next.

Crow T. Robot: Dear Diary: Once again the fat guy got the bed...

Crow T. Robot: It sure is sunny in space.

Crow T. Robot: This is the kind of movie you don't pause when you leave the room

Crow T. Robot: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

Crow T. Robot: Let's go kill something we don't understand.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough.

Crow T. Robot: Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, You taste like a fat drunk Russian.

Crow T. Robot: Citrusville, City of Progress. Where everyone is juiced.

Crow T. Robot: Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead.

Crow T. Robot: I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling.

Crow T. Robot: Whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer.

Joel: Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.
Crow T. Robot: That's not my tail.

Crow T. Robot: His Mickey Mouse gloves give him incredible power.

Crow T. Robot: Mind if I smell your daughter?

Crow T. Robot: What's his obsession with traffic accidents?

Crow T. Robot: What, no headbutt this morning? Honeymoon over?

Crow T. Robot: Nothing worse than a cornered Van Patten.

Crow T. Robot: Hey check out Pee Wee's evil brother on the right.

Crow T. Robot: [mocking the hero] I'll be using this condescending tone until the mid-70's

Crow T. Robot: Will you stop being evil over my shoulder?

Narrator: Just 2 years ago he was still riding calfs
Crow T. Robot: Now he sells pencils and string on street corners.

Crow T. Robot: Oh I hate when they talk during the movie

Crow T. Robot: It's the newest sport, Grandpa dunking.

Crow T. Robot: Can we break your hat open now and eat the popcorn?

Crow T. Robot: [watching Hercules struggle] Oh wait, he can bend steel but he can't break through a net?

Crow T. Robot: [impersonating the film's doctor] Here, let me punch you in the sternum to simulate the pain.

Reggie: It's like a million to one shot that we'll ever be seen
Crow T. Robot: Oh, they're on Comedy Central.

Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.

Crow T. Robot: She doesn't have a brain... she'd make a good news anchor.

Crow T. Robot: Each box has a piece of Sid Melton in it

Crow T. Robot: Thank you Officer Platitude.

Crow T. Robot: As your president, allow me to apologize for not having seen this invasion coming.

Crow T. Robot: Well, let's see... fourteen minutes to live. Wonder if I can get a pizza in that time?

Crow T. Robot: Hey, she's got her hair on sideways.

Crow T. Robot: Man... his shirt's so tight, you can see his liver.

Crow T. Robot: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film

Crow T. Robot: He's like an idiot savant, minus the savant.

Judge Clara: Their answer is summed up in two callous words...
Crow T. Robot: Bor-ing.

Crow T. Robot: It's a talking wheel chair.

Crow T. Robot: There isn't a shower cold enough for this man.

Crow T. Robot: How many of God's laws does this violate?

Crow T. Robot: Oh, never let the Devil dress you.

Crow T. Robot: Could you get your stomach off my desk please?

Crow T. Robot: None of this would have happened if chemistry weren't required

Crow T. Robot: So far his greatest adversary has been a ladder.

Tom Servo: This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.
Joel: Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: What about "Side Hackers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Cave Dwellers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Catalina Caper"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Pod people"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Hell Cats"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Joel: "Daddy-O"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocket Attack USA"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Earth vs. the Spider"?
Tom Servo: Oh, definitely worse!
Crow T. Robot: "Ring of Terror"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "It Conquered the World"?
Tom Servo: Uh... yeah, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Lost Continent"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.

Joel: "Moon Zero Two"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Time of the Apes"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Wild Rebels"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Stranded in Space"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "King Dinosaur"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Mighty Jack"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocketship X-M"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "The Unearthly"?
Tom Servo: [sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse!
Joel: "Teenage Caveman"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "First Spaceship on Venus"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Joel: "Space Travelers"?

Tom Servo: Much worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Giant Gila Monster"?
Tom Servo: Oh, a whole lot worse.
Joel: "The Manchingo Coniglium"?
Tom Servo: Oh, huh?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!
Tom Servo: [pause] It's a ton worse.

Joel: "City Limits"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "War of the Colossal Beast"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Amazing Colossal Man"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Fugitive Alien"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Uhh... "Master Ninja"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Oh really? "Gamera"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Zigra"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: ...vs. Baragon"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Guiron"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!
Tom Servo: OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

Crow T. Robot: They've broken our code! And the sergeant was a grasshopper undercover!

Crow T. Robot: Breaker 1-9 for the big booty, we got a spam in the can and we'll catch you on the big bounce around. Over.

Crow T. Robot: I can't deny anything you've said. But you're a big fat liar.

Crow T. Robot: Booze. It's what's for dinner.

Crow T. Robot: The Coast Guard, for men too chicken to join the Navy!

Crow T. Robot: Like a bird... like a plane! Like an idiot!

Crow T. Robot: With all my parts, I could've made an excellent vacuum-cleaner. Instead, it's the movies that suck!

Crow T. Robot: Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look!

Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow T. Robot: What is this "Coffee"?
Joe Moss: I like coffee!
Mike Nelson: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.

Crow T. Robot: Do not use sharp objects for three weeks after viewing this movie.

Crow T. Robot: I think we've analyzed the plot more than the writers did.

Crow T. Robot: This movie means two things to me: Sheet cake and back fat.

Crow T. Robot: He's like Jean Claude Van Damme.
Mike Nelson: Actually he's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.

Joel: [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.
Crow T. Robot: [scans for about a second] Got it!
Joel: Oh, brother...
Crow T. Robot: Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."
Joel: I *think* I got it...
Crow T. Robot: Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models."
Crow T. Robot: "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?
Joel: This is really confusing.
Tom Servo: Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "
Joel: Okay, I think that oughtta do it...
[it sprays him with silly string]
Crow T. Robot: "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."

Crow T. Robot: My God! They've done it! They've done it! They've reached the... side.

Sister Ann: DRIVE! DRIVE
Crow T. Robot: Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so.

Crow T. Robot: It's Edward Scissorhands!

Narrator: Here was a problem civil defense authorities had never faced, and might never face again.
Crow T. Robot: How to end the film.

Crow T. Robot: 'Twas beauty fed the beast.

Son: I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.
Dad: Nonsense.
Joel: He hated you.
Dad: Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.
Crow T. Robot: He got sent to jail for it.

[a man in a fantasy movie pulls an arrow out of his chest]
Crow T. Robot: Luckily this is before death was invented.

Crow T. Robot: [as character pulls magazines out of a newsstand in the background] Well, let's see - "Rubber Fantasy", "Latex World", "Butt Biters", and "NewsWeek" - that'll do.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)
Joe: You know what my kids would say?

[as Cal and Joe assemble the Interositor]
Crow T. Robot: Science and Industry!
Tom Servo: See big men sticking screw drivers into things - turning them - AND ADJUSTING THEM!
Crow T. Robot: Build your very own Atom Storage Box!
Mike: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!
Crow T. Robot: Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes - and it really, really works.

Crow T. Robot: Into the weenie mobile, weenie man away!

Crow T. Robot: Puppet wranglers? There weren't any puppets in this movie.

Crow T. Robot: Hey! Who sneezed on the credits?

Crow T. Robot: Man, the universe is really cruisin'.
Tom Servo: Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull.
Mike: And right underneath him the constellation feces.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, look, Orion's broke.

Crow T. Robot: They're forcing him to visit Branson, Missouri.

[Everyone is being sucked into the vacuum of space]
Crow T. Robot: Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks! Ah, here it is. "Breach Hull - All Die." Even had it underlined.

Cal Meecham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow T. Robot: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around!

[Inside the environmental tubes]
Crow T. Robot: Wow this must be what its like inside a bong! Whehue!

[after breaching the hull in an escape attempt]
Crow T. Robot: Well believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid... and I went ahead anyway.

Crow T. Robot: He's flown into a Flemish painting.

Dr. Clayton Forrester: Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me recently.
Mike: Sure we have - last week.
Dr. Clayton Forrester: No, no, no, I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down now?
Mike: I don't see any reason to make us...
[suddenly kneels, choking]
Crow T. Robot: [scared] Bowing, sir!
[Tom bows and prays to Dr. Forrester, speaking in tongues]

Crow T. Robot: [gazing at the stars] I feel so insignificant... then again, I ALWAYS feel insignificant.

Exeter: Now place your hands above the rail
[hands suddenly attach to the rail]
Exeter: ... they're magnetized.
Crow T. Robot: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

Crow T. Robot: C'mon! Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!

Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.
Crow T. Robot: They're very into Yes on this planet.

Crow T. Robot: [as ship descends into fantastic Metaluna landscape] Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet!
Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.
Crow T. Robot: They're very into "Yes" on this planet.
Tom Servo: Hee hee!
Mike: International flights always get the gate furthest from the terminal.
Tom Servo: Remember, we're parked in the "Denubrian Slime Devil" lot!

Cal Meecham: [after German scientist comments on Mozart at dinner] What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the chap.
Tom Servo: "I'm not an alien!"
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Cal Meecham: *Our* composer - he belongs to the world!
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike: "I'm not an alien."
Cal Meecham: That dinner, Exeter, was even more perfect than you promised. Now if you'll excuse me, I could do with some fresh air myself.
Crow T. Robot: He's gonna get high!
Cal Meecham: Would you care to join me, Dr. Adams?
Tom Servo: "Uh, no!"
Cal Meecham: You, Dr. Carlson?
Mike: "Your turn to walk the Cal."
Exeter: Why don't you? Show him the grounds.
Crow T. Robot: "I dare ya!"
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meecham until tomorrow.
Tom Servo: "Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest! But I'm *not* an alien!"

[after Mike damages the Hubble]
Crow T. Robot: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Tom Servo: Don't *do* that!

Exeter: They're concentrating all their attention on Metaluna. Those flashes of light - they're meteors. Hundreds of them! The intense heat is turning Metaluna into a radioactive sun. The temperature must be thousands of degrees by now.
Crow T. Robot: Cooler by the lake.
Exeter: A lifeless planet. And yet...
Tom Servo: Rents are reasonable!
Exeter: Yet, still serving a useful purpose, I hope. Yes... a sun, warming the surface of some other world - giving light to those who may need it.
Mike: "Still, your whole family died. That's a bummer, huh?"

Crow T. Robot: [as Joe comes down the stairs] This is a job for "Weenie man!"

Crow T. Robot: [as Ruth] Oh, Carl.
Tom Servo: [as Cal] Er, Cal.
Crow T. Robot: [as Ruth] Oh, Cal.

Mike: Geez, Dr. Forrester!
Crow T. Robot: What a dickweed!

Crow T. Robot: The secret government Eggo Project!

[one of the aliens is firing on the humans]
Crow T. Robot: Eat my photons, small heads!

Carl Meecham: Relocation? To where?
The Monitor: To your Earth.
Exeter: A PEACEFUL relocation...
Crow T. Robot: After the genocide, of course.

Crow T. Robot: Don't leave me with the Germans!

[as Brack watches the interositer]
Crow T. Robot: and now it's time for The Brack Show! Da da da-da-da DA! It's the Brack show! Staring me, I'm Brack!

Crow T. Robot: Shall I compare thee to a summers daaaaaaaa...

[as Exeter's flying saucer catches fire]
Crow T. Robot: "Service engine soon" I wonder what that's all about.

Crow T. Robot: You killed the Hubble!

Crow T. Robot: Oh, my god! My waffle! Oh the humanity!

Crow T. Robot: G.I. Joe action set. Nerdy Joe not included.

Crow T. Robot: [as Cal beats a MutAnt in the head] Oh, I'm very vulnerable there! Oh, there go the piano lessons! I can't remember my dad!

Crow T. Robot: I'm gonna curl up in his sock drawer, and sleep for days.

[as Joe is talking, Cal ruffels through his desk]
Crow T. Robot: Where's my gun?

Crow T. Robot: [on the Mu-tant] Nuts! It's Ted Kennedy in a Barney suit!

Crow T. Robot, Mike, Tom Servo: NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIIEEEEW!

Crow T. Robot: [as a crewman pushes a lever] This oughta kill them!

[Cal and Joe are looking in an interositer catalog]
Joe Wilson: Here's something my wife could use in the house...
Crow T. Robot: A man?
Joe Wilson: interositer incorporating an electron sorter.
Cal Meecham: She'll probably gain twenty pounds while it does all the work for her.
Tom Servo: Cal, you bitch!

Dr. Cal Meecham: "Complete line of iterociter parts, incorporating greater advances than hitherto known in the field of electronics." What exactly is an iterociter?
Joe Wilson: I don't know, and I don't want to know.
Crow T. Robot: Just love me!

Dr. Cal Meecham: This isn't paper. It's some kind of metal.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, no, that's paper, sir.

Crow T. Robot: [Bashing jauntily at the hull with a pickaxe, singing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"] Goodbye to Noah Beery, Hello Harold Lloyyyyd...

Crow T. Robot: [in a scene where the brain creature enters a room looking all around] Uh, is the manager here? Hello?

Mike: Crow!
Crow T. Robot: [stops swinging pick-axe] Huh?
Mike: Crow, listen, you've gotta stop!
Crow T. Robot: Oh, hi, Mike! I've found the perfect spot. Once I've breached through this wall we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth. URG!
[returns to swinging pick-axe]
Crow T. Robot: Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space.
Crow T. Robot: [British accent] Come, come, boy. We must confound Gerry at every turn!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (#5.24)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: [as the demon dog,who stares at the camera] Can... can you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - 'Arf.

Joel: Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, uh, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel: It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo: Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel: But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel! The cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel: Oh, c'mon. Look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Joel, uh, Tom's right. Um, um... It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel: W-what do you mean?
Crow T. Robot: Well, for one thing, your... your face is too friendly; uh, second, your eyebrows, they arc softly as opposed to jutting inward; and, well, frankly, Joel, you... blush in the most adorable way.
Joel: This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.

Joel: So, it's Manos...
Crow T. Robot: ...the Hands of Fate?
Joel: Yes.

Crow T. Robot: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.
Joel: Oh, the mads wouldn't do this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it.

[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
Joel: Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow T. Robot: Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?

Crow T. Robot: I wish those hands would just push him over.

[as the toga-wearing women wrestle in the desert in 'Manos: the Hands of Fate'... ]
Joel: Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling.
Crow T. Robot: Designing Women: The Lost Episodes.
Tom Servo: And now the Manos Women's Guide will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow T. Robot: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! Ha-ha.
Tom Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata.
Joel: You know, after this, they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each other's ears.
Crow T. Robot: Yep. Yep. It's the Wilson Phillips break up.
Tom Servo: Kind of wish this was shirts versus skins.
Joel: Heeey!
Crow T. Robot: Heh-heh-heh. Oh...
Tom Servo: Hoo-hoo, zing!
Joel: [sings] Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
Crow T. Robot: [as the women continue wrestling] You know what this movie really needs?
Tom Servo: What's that?
Crow T. Robot: It's Mark Singer.
Joel: Oh, yeah.
Tom Servo: I'm guessin' THIS is the whole reason this movie was made, right here.
Joel: Pow! Boff! Smack!

Crow T. Robot: [when Torgo appears one bit of music keeps playing over and over] Ahh, yes, the haunting Torgo theme.

[a child comes home leading a devil dog]
Crow T. Robot: It's a devil and it's fun!
Tom Servo: His name's Mephisto, can we keep him?

Margret: "Wants" me? What kind of talk is that?
Crow T. Robot: Why, it's oily, sleazy talk.

Crow T. Robot: [Torgo has left the family's bags into the house] I LeFt a piEce of cHeWed GuM on yoUr pilLoW.

Crow T. Robot: [on Torgo] He's got Earl Campbell thighs.

Master's wife: Your power failed you.
Crow T. Robot: You know what she's REALLY saying.

The Master: Arise my wives...
Crow T. Robot: And iron my work shirt!

[the Master leans over and touches a stone]
Crow T. Robot: EHHH! Uh, Stephanie, bring me some coffee and a pop tart.

The Master: You have failed and you must die!
Joel: [as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!
[the Master advances]
Tom Servo: [as Torgo] I'm... going to have to ask for my last paycheck right now, Sir
[the Master's advance continues]
Crow T. Robot: [as Torgo] What? What? Neh. Uh. N-n-n-n.

Crow T. Robot: [to Joel] You see this butt? Well, kick this butt.

[shot of a burning torch]
Crow T. Robot: I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave a pyre on for ya.

Crow T. Robot: [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.
Joel: Hey, let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful,' huh?

Margaret: [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
Debbie, Tom Servo, Mike: [as Margaret sings "Merrily, merrily"... ] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo: Come on, sing, sing, sing, damn it, sing!
Margaret, Debbie, Tom Servo, Mike, Joel, Crow T. Robot: [MST3K gang joining in] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo: [maniacally] That's it, sing, "Down the Stream," yes!

Crow T. Robot: [as Debbie, on the dog] His heartbeat's irregular!

[Torgo peeps in at Margaret as she undresses]
Joel: [to the 'bots] Oh, listen, you guys. That's it. This is not for your eyes. I don't care. Uh-uh.
Tom Servo: [excitedly as Joel covers his and Crow's eyes] What is it? What is it? What's going on, Joel?
Joel: Shame on you, Dr. Forrester. Have you no sense of decency?
Crow T. Robot: What? What? Is Torgo juggling?
Tom Servo: Joel, we can handle THIS.
Crow T. Robot: Ho-ho, it's the latest episode of the Taster's Choice saga.
Joel: Showers, anyone?

Crow T. Robot: You led me on, you gave me mixed signals.

Mr. Warren: I remember one of the first things that Harry drilled into me...
Crow T. Robot: Was Harry.

[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me just say this about today's invention exchange - let them eat... chocolate.
TV's Frank: That's right J...
TV's Frank: [finds the mouth opening in his hood] That's right, Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank.
Dr. Forrester: [steps aside to reveal guillotine] That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Ready, Mr. Executioner?
TV's Frank: Yes, my liege.
Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Uh, off with their head Frank.
[Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah. His only crime was being born delicious!

Joel, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [in unison] Ziggy has Garfield neutered? Now that's funny!

Crow T. Robot: Goodnight. Stay pink, soft and oily.

Crow T. Robot: [as scenes of farmland go by] I'm sure they dissolve to the same scene.

Crow T. Robot: In summary... "Manos: The Hands of Fate."
Joel: Manos, the Hands of Fate. Manos.

Crow T. Robot: Is she telling him a secret?
Joel: Mm-hm.
Crow T. Robot: All over him.

Crow T. Robot: [noting on the all day/all night patrolmen] These guys have the longest shift.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Werewolf (#10.4)" (1998)
Mike Nelson: Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: We will, we will, rock you!
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
Tom Servo: So they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles, And they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go
Crow: Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the people of the town!
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
Mike Nelson: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo!
Tom Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus Lane!
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! Give it away, give it away, give it away, now!
Mike Nelson: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, You've got a brand new key!
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!
Tom Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep
Crow: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon!
Mike Nelson: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it
Tom Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble
Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, When I take you out in a surrey
Mike Nelson: We were merely freshmen!
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me, 'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!
Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow: TUSK!

Crow: I think Ray Liotta would make an okay werewolf.
Tom Servo: No, he smells like apples.

Crow: This is a strange remake of Jane Eyre.

Crow: You know, it's economical not to have a storyline, cause then you can just film people saying things.

[after the security guard/werewolf crashes his car]
Tom Servo: Did those oil barrels just leap out in front of him?
Crow: So, his plan is to rid the world of security guards by changing them into werewolves one by one and then having them crash their cars?
Mike Nelson: Well, uh, it seems to be working so far.

Natalie: Paul, that's not a scratch. It's a deep cut!
Crow: Speaking of "deep cuts", did this scene really need to be in the movie?

Natalie: So it all comes to this?
Tom Servo: The thing that it comes to?
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow: Yes, we is.

Crow: Paul! You is a wurr-wilf!

Crow: Well, so far the star power consists of Charlie Sheen's uncle.

Natalie: I'm not holding back anything!
Crow: Certainly not talent.

[Natalie drives Paul back to his house]
Crow: [as Natalie, flatly] Where you live is incredible.
Paul: So, here we are.
Mike Nelson: Mr. Smooth.
Paul: Would you like to come up for a drink?
Tom Servo: Oh, yeah! The one-two punch.

Crow: Dictator for life, Santa!

Crow: Well, I got a squirrel in the oven if you're hungry...

Crow: Now that I can drive, those caribou don't stand a chance!

Tom Servo: Hey Suzie, what's the matter?
Crow: Yeah Suzie, what's wrong?
Mike Nelson: Oh nothing... I guess...
Tom Servo: Come on, you can tell us!
Crow: Yeah!
Mike Nelson: Gee, I dunno girls... Okay it's like this...
Tom Servo, Crow: Uh huh?
Mike Nelson: You know, Steve?
Tom Servo, Crow: Uh huh!
Mike Nelson: [singing] Steve's a werewolf but he's my g-uy, he's different from the rest, I don't know why. But my mother and pop, they disapprove, but no one can stop us for it true "luve"
Tom Servo, Crow: Huh?
Mike Nelson: [Talking] Well I had to rhyme words
Tom Servo, Crow: [Muttering in agreement] Sure, sure. Got it. Go ahead.
Mike Nelson: [singing with Tom and Crow doing Shooby do bops] Where oh werewolf, I've looked everywhere wolf. Where oh where, where is my werewolf?
Mike Nelson: Listen girls
Mike Nelson: Late one night we drove in his c-ar, to make out point, it wasn't that far...
Tom Servo: Take the Hiawatha exit, left at the first stop sign
Mike Nelson: Well whose story is this, Carol?
Tom Servo: Sorry, he he
Mike Nelson: [singing] The moon was full, he pulled me clo-se, I held his paw and I touched his cold nose
Crow: That means he's healthy!
Mike Nelson: But then, his hairy paws caused the wheel to slide!
Tom Servo, Crow: No!
Mike Nelson: I screamed, too late! We hit a tree, he died
Tom Servo, Crow: Gee, that's to bad Suzie
Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, Crow: [Sung in unison] Where oh werewolf, I've looked everywhere wolf, where oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where is my werewolf?

Crow: [people are uncovering a skeleton in the desert] No shoes. He was killed for his Nikes.

Noel: At the risk of sounding nuts...
Crow: I've replaced my toes with grapes.

[hearing a door closing]
Crow: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.

Yuri: Are you calling me a psychopath?
Crow: I'll kill your whole family if you call me that!

Crow: Rock 'em sock 'em archeologists.

Crow: [sigh] Surprise ending written and conceived by a tube-worm.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (#9.22)" (1997)
Crow: I seem to have died, is that a problem?

Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

[Raul Julia's face appears in a large cube]
Crow: It's a Raulbiks cube.

Appolonia James: Electrons don't dance, Fingal. They don't make love.
Crow: They're Lutherans.

Appolonia James: Can't lose you now.
Mike Nelson: The energy surge gave her a new hairdo.
Appolonia James: We never had a dance together.
Crow: Well, we never bought a muffler together either. What's the point?

Rick: It's up to you.
Fingal: It's okay, buddy, I can handle it.
Crow: And what is the 'it' which is to him 'up' and which he can perhaps handle?

Crow: You know you want me, baby!

Crow: [referring an item on Appolonia's Venus costume] Uhm, that's poison oak on your naughty bits, Ma'am.

Doctor: Okay, let's make this short.
Crow: Oh, why start now?

Appolonia James: We haven't even had a dance together.
Crow: You never bought a muffler together, either. What's the point?

Crow: You know what would have saved this movie? Surf music. Man, surf music makes *anything* good.

Fingal: Appolonia, where are you!
Crow: Gee, you think she might be sitting on her bony rear-end in that room with her hand to her ear?

Appolonia James: Come on, Fingal...
Tom Servo: Come on *what*?
Crow: You know, my apathy is palpable at this point.

Crow: So this is Public Television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.

Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters right out of nowhere!

Crow: Dr. Who... the hell cares.

Operator: Welcome and thank you for calling our award winning 24 hour technical support service for... "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... Please be prepared with a specific problem regarding... "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... in order to facilitate assistance from one of our skilled... "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank"... technicians.
Mike Nelson: Oh yeah. I'm prepared for some specific problems about 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank' alright, don't worry about that.
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: This is Mandy. How can I help you?
Mike Nelson: Well, uh, first of all... lets see... tech support.
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: Sir, let me take care of some common troubleshooting possibilities right away. Are you in fact watching 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'?
Mike Nelson: Yes. tech support...
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: We do find that people new to our 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank' family viewers can make a simple mistake in actually be watching another movie. If that is the case, then we would urge you to call the appropriate technical support service for we are legally unable to provide support for other...
Mike Nelson: Look, Look, were watching 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.' The credits are rolling right now.
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: So it's not complete yet?
Mike Nelson: Well, No but I mean...
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: We strongly advise our customers to view the entire film. It's impossible for us to gauge the accuracy of any confusion or complaint...
Mike Nelson: Look, how are the credits gonna help the fact that we have no idea what was going on with... anything... what was the "I'm interface" thing. What was the skinny woman doing when she was licking her watch?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: Hey, why the pinch mouth cockney creep and
[in voice]
Mike Nelson: "The guy just reverses the access code"... that was well crafted...
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: SIR!
Mike Nelson: ...and the music was the most insipid...
Tom Servo: ...banal...
Mike Nelson: Banal noodling I've ever heard in my life.
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: Sir, those are unfortunate design flaws which we do acknowledge.
Mike Nelson: Well, what can I do about it?
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: When did you Purchase your version of Overdrawn at the Memory Bank?
Mike Nelson: ...Uhh I didn't purchase it... I just ahh...
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank Technical Support Operator: Ummph, so you are an unauthorized viewer of 'Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'? I am legally required to report this violation of all...
Tom Servo, Crow: HANG UP!

[we see a lobby with fancy planters and "Nirvana" written on the floor]
Crow: [singing] Come as you are. To my mall. To my atrium!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hobgoblins (#10.7)" (1998)
Crow: People and Robots Who've Had to Watch Hobgoblins Crisis Hotline! Hello?
Bobo: Oh, oh. Yes. Hello. I'm in a deep crisis which is very, very deep. And I need to know that you won't hang up on me like all those other crisis hotlines.
Crow: Ah, have no fear. I can handle anything! Um, it is related to watching the movie Hobgoblins, right?
Bobo: Oh, oh, oh! Yes, of course it relates to watching the movie Hobgoblins. That's why I called. Anyway, one day I was watching the movie Hobgoblins one day, when I realized, while watching the movie Hobgoblins, that I was in love with a woman very close to me... A woman not of my species.
Crow: Uck, uck, uck! That is disgusting! Ew, I need a shower now. Yuck!
Bobo: Ah! Wait, don't hang up! I need her! Though she can be very mean to me, I'm obsessed with her. I want her in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically...
Crow: Yuck! Stop telling me this, you freak! I'm gonna be sick all over the place!
Tom Servo: Hang up.
Crow: Um, I have another call... See ya.
Tom Servo: Hang up!
Bobo: No! I'll die without her! She's a chimpanzee and her name is Emily. And I don't care if anyone... Hello? Oh, rats. Another hang-up. Well, let's see who's next on the list. Butterball... Turkey... Hotline.

Crow: [looking at the short, very fuzzy Hobgoblin] It's a bonsai Bigfoot.

Daphne: [to Wang Chung's 'Everybody Have Fun Tonight'] Everybody have sex tonight!
Tom Servo: Everybody throw up tonight!
Crow: Ironically no-one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night!

Crow: [as Kevin is being attacked by a hobgoblin] Really, the worst that would happen is one of those little plastic eyes would fall out and you'd choke on it.

Crow: [after Kevin flips over the lowlife] Now, come on, that move really requires the cooperation of the flip-ee.

Crow: She's made her decision and they're going ahead with the sex!

Crow: Slutting's fun, isn't it?

Crow: Hey, it's a common man with his common van.

Crow: [as Kevin arrives at his house] Ah-hah! And what brisk witticism will this chappie have to offer?

Daphne: [During the long, infamous rake-fight] Go, Nick, kick his butt!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, give him a big, rusty gash in his head, c'mon!
Crow: Can we have a law that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?
Tom Servo: [about Daphne] Is that a condom she has hanging from her blouse?
Daphne: I'm getting so sweaty already!
Mike Nelson: So we sent our armies to the Gulf War with garden shovels and grass rollers?
Crow: Their garden tools make little Casio sounds!
Daphne: Yeah, go for it!
Tom Servo: Yeah, really, really kill him! Please!
Mike Nelson: You know, I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.
Crow: Throw some Miracle-Gro in his eyes!
Tom Servo: [Impersonating Nick] I'm gonna compost you, man...
Mike Nelson: [yawns] All the tension. Will they water their lawn?
Tom Servo:
Crow: ...ever?... I'll bet Nick can also field strip his rake blindfolded.
Tom Servo: This movie's making me nostalgic for the film 'Gymkata.'
Mike Nelson: Oh, it just happened, did you see that? The hose out-acted them.
Crow: Yeah... Yeah I saw! Did you know that Nick went on to play... Pong in his underwear while drinking beer?
Tom Servo: Hey, hooray! You ruptured his spleen, yay!
Mike Nelson: Now, I'm gonna remove your thatch.
Tom Servo: [Impersonating Kyle] Don't let them hurt my red shorts, please.
Tom Servo: Wow, yeah.
Mike Nelson: I could watch this forever.
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: Do you have a feeling I probably will be?

Crow: Oh, Nick's in the French Army, I see.

Tom Servo: Well, I'm sorry Mike.
Mike Nelson: Well there, you just did it again.
Tom Servo: What! Oh, gah, gee!
Mike Nelson: Hi everyone and welcome to the Satellite Of Love, Servo and I were just talking...
Tom Servo: - look, I didn't mean to turn you on, and I'm really sorry!
Mike Nelson: Uh, well, you know, ever since Robert Palmer introduced the concept of accidental turn-ons, in his song 'I didn't mean to turn you on' well, there's been a lot of involuntery on-turning around here.
Crow: Hey there guys, whats up?
Tom Servo: Gah, Crow!
Crow: Ohh, I'm sorry, did I turn you on again?
Tom Servo: Yes, you know you did!
Crow: Oh, I am sorry, I tried not to turn you on, but I guess I unintentionally did.
Mike Nelson: You know, lets all try to be a little more careful about turning each other on, okay. And you folks at home, be a little more careful, don't involunterily turn anyone on, okay, we'll be right back.
Tom Servo: Ah, Oh Mike!
Crow: Mike, Geez, Gah!
Mike Nelson: Did I turn you on? I didn't mean to, look at me, how did I turn you on, I'm just standing here, how did I turn you on?

Crow: [sighs] Now, now, there, there, you did so mean to turn me on that time!
Tom Servo: [sighs] Okay, I admit it, I turned you on on purpose, o-kaay, cause I was upset and I turned you on, so biiiig deal!
Mike Nelson: Well now you just turned me on, can't you do anything without turning people on? It's just... I can't
Tom Servo: Oh that's nice, coming from you, after you turned me...
Pearl Forrester: Yooou couldn't turn me on if you had a dozen naked Gerato's and Fabio in tight leather pants.
[Goes all breathless and looks turned on]
Pearl Forrester: Ah ah, aaah, um... where-where was I? Oh, right, I'm remodeling the Great Hall, I'm putting in a conversation pit and the couch I had picked out for it came in early, so I need you guys to store it for me. Brain Guy!
Brain Guy: Yes Madam.
[Teleports couch to Mike and the 'bots]
Pearl Forrester: And no jumping on the couch!
[Cuts to Mike and the bots jumping on the couch]
Crow: Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeee, watch you guys I'm gonna do something cool. You can see my legs, you can see my legs!
Tom Servo: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks Grandma Pearl!
Mike Nelson: Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Woo Hoo! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Pearl Forrester: Grandma Pearl does not want you jumping on that couch! Get off, right now! Don't, don't squeeze those juice boxes on that couch!
[Cuts to the guys jumping, laughing and squeezing juice all over the couch]
Pearl Forrester: Oh, we can't have nice things! That's it, that is it! I am going to give you such a movie!
Crow: Crow, Servo and Mike, together: We don't care!
Pearl Forrester: Bobo. Brain Guy. Get the movie.
Brain Guy: Huh, no!
[Bobo shrieks]
Brain Guy: [the guys stop laughing and look scared]
Pearl Forrester: [Putting gloves on] We have ways of dealing with ne'er-do-wells, who insist on jumping on our rent-to-own couches. Your movie...
[Bobo runs up the the camera and shrieks again]
Pearl Forrester: ... is called...
[Removes a film reel from a chest]
Pearl Forrester: ... Hobgoblins!
[Bobo shrieks again]
Mike Nelson: Pearl, please, whatever you're thinking, please don't!
[the guys start shouting apologies, and then the movie sign alerts]

Crow: So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.
Mike Nelson: Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

[after finishing the abysmal "Hobgoblins"]
Crow: So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.
Mike Nelson: Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

Crow: Can we agree that from now on, films have to be made by FILMMAKERS?

McCreedy: Hello, Mr. Comstock? Yes, I realize what time it is. I'm sorry to wake you, but... there's been an accident at the studio.
Crow: We made "Hobgoblins".

[Nick has just burst into flames after trying to cover a grenade with its pin pulled]
Crow: My fajita plate was really hot and I touched it!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost (#9.13)" (1997)
Crow T. Robot: Get in there you little viper! Somebody needs viping!

Crow T. Robot: Uh, little problem here guys... um... I'm a bear.
Tom Servo: Oh I'm so sure.
Crow T. Robot: No, I'm a bear. You know that little elf mushroom guy?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Crow T. Robot: He did it.
Mike Nelson: Oh. Huh. And where did this happen?
Crow T. Robot: Just... you know... around... Some luck, huh?
Mike Nelson: Are you sure you didn't just hot glue fur to yourself?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, I wish.
Tom Servo: MIKE! HELP! Crow ate half of me then buried me in the dirt!
Crow T. Robot: Mmm. Not bad.
Mike Nelson: Crow, what is wrong with you?
Crow T. Robot: I told you, Mike, I'm a bear.
Mike Nelson: Now haven't we talked about this 100 times - about you taking your bear simulations to the extreme?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: And what are you doing?
Crow T. Robot: Taking my bear simulations to the extreme?
Mike Nelson: Yeah. There. Do you see a connection?
Crow T. Robot: Um... no, I don't, Mike.
Tom Servo: Oh!

Crow T. Robot: [as children run away into the woods] Chernobyl's exploding again! Let's go watch!

[first lines]
Crow T. Robot: Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson *is* Lord of the Dance!

Crow T. Robot: I have terminal enchantment right now.

Ivan: What's your name?
Nastenka: Well my name is Nastenka.
Crow T. Robot: Miss Jackson if your nasty!

Crow T. Robot: She should just start over from gene one...

Crow T. Robot: Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi-ski!

Crow T. Robot: They're swimming in my chili... the little creeps!

Crow T. Robot: Shut your kringle hole!

Crow T. Robot: It's a three pig open sleigh!
Tom Servo: On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!

Crow T. Robot: Later, in tingly wingaly, picky wicky land.

Crow: Michael Nelson is Lord of the Dance.

Crow: M is for the many time you beat me. O is for the other times you beat me.

Crow: Heckel and Jeckel in the Ten Commandments.

Crow: Proving once again that slightly unattractive people are evil.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell (#6.12)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: This makes "Driving Miss Daisy" look like "Bullitt!"

Crow T. Robot: I've seen faster funeral processions!

[watching the end of 'Mitchell']
Crow T. Robot: You know, at this stage in any killing spree, you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [chanting] Turn it! Turn it! Turn it! Turn it!
Joel: Hey! Hey!

Crow T. Robot: [as police chief] Well you're rich and white. I don't see a problem with it.

Crow T. Robot: [seeing murder victim's outline] Keith Harring was here!

Crow T. Robot: [a car door slams offscreen] What was that? Oh.

Mitchell: That's the first piece of information you've had all night.
Crow T. Robot: How about letting *us* in on some?

Joel: [reading scrolling title sequence] What is that, what does it say, mittens? An action film called "Mittens"?
Joel: Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens...
Crow T. Robot: He's a cop!

Crow T. Robot: Hot merging action!
Joel: Oh, my goodness, they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.

Crow T. Robot: The lunatic is on the grass...

Crow T. Robot: Johnny Nash breaks into a suburban home.

Tom Servo: [spoofing Shaft's theme song] Who's the puffy guy who's the big blurry sex machine?
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Mitchell!
Tom Servo: That Mitchell is one fat...
Crow T. Robot: Shut your mouth!
Tom Servo: I'm just talking about Mitchell.

Tom Servo: [watching the film's title] Oh wait, it's "Mitchell"!
Crow T. Robot: Oh the Martha Mitchell story.
Tom Servo: Joe Don Baker IS Martha Mitchell.

Crow T. Robot: [mocking Mitchell theme song] My, my, my, my God! NOOOO!

Crow T. Robot: Joe Don Baker would be perfect for "Elvis, the Dying Days".

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time Chasers (#9.21)" (1997)
Nick: So, are you making dinner?
Lisa: Are you offering dinner?
Crow T. Robot: No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"

Crow T. Robot: [Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag] Loser status confirmed!
Tom Servo: Please... eat... me!

Crow T. Robot: No, this can't be the hero of the film, can it? Movie? Movie! Can I see your supervisor, movie, this will NOT stand!

Mike Nelson: [the hero is stuck in a tree] Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he's "like poo" all right.
Tom Servo: Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.

Crow: So, in the future kids become gay agents?

J.K. Robertson: [after getting out of the wreck] Ah, Nick...
Crow T. Robot: I have an aleron up my... well anyway.

Crow T. Robot: [as Nick bikes into the parking lot of a grocery stor] Maple Syrup 3 for a doll- oh, hell, take it! Take it, we've got so much of it!

Nick: [on the demo flight of the Time Transport] Now, the real reason I brought you up here today...
Crow T. Robot: [as Nick] ... to crash!

Crow T. Robot: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying!

[Nick has an enormous chin]
Crow T. Robot: Geez, did somebody tape a dinner roll to his chin?

Crow T. Robot: Remember when everybody got the "Nick Miller" haircut and went around wearing Castleton t-shirts?

Lisa: What's the use of a time machine for GenCorp?
Nick: I'll give you an example.
Crow T. Robot: You could send an egg into the future!
Nick: We could study the long-term effects we're having on our environment. We could, uh...
Mike Nelson: Send Bob Saget to meet Charlemagne.

[while Nick and Robertson are fighting in the plane, Nick is smashing Robertson's head into the airplane's dashboard]
Crow T. Robot: [said in time with the hits] *Check* your *flaps* be*fore* taking *off*!

[after Matt is fired]
Crow T. Robot: [as Nick] You had the misfortune of running into me. I'm a life-wrecking idiot!

Crow T. Robot: [as some American revolutionaries are running through the forest] So, did you guys catch the Patriots game last night... I mean, *Liberty*!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Agent for H.A.R.M. (#9.15)" (1997)
Mike Nelson: I really like rice.
Tom Servo: EXXXXTREMMMMEEEEEEEE RIIIIIIIIIIIIIICEEEEEEEE! Thermonuclearrrrrr protectionnnnn woooooo!
Crow T. Robot: See, Mike? Isn't rice better when it's extreme?

Crow T. Robot: Ah, it's the Eastern Europe part of Southern California.

Crow T. Robot: Damn you, Shel Silverstein!

Mike Nelson: Starring has beens and never wases.
Crow T. Robot: With Bob Marley and Prince!

Crow T. Robot: Old guy? There's another old guy here to see you.

Crow T. Robot: [as Adam] Watch me open the HELL out of this door!

Crow T. Robot: [hearing knocks] Hm, that could be any one of the other two characters.

Doctor: Adam, he's gone.
Crow T. Robot: I mean he's there, but he's dead.

Adam: We were just saying goodbye.
Crow T. Robot: With our reproductive organs.

Adam: You bet your nose they'll be back.
Crow T. Robot: [as Doctor Stephanik] Must I wager my nose that they will be back?

Mike Nelson: [as Adam's enters Stefanik's ransacked laboratory] This is the room of a man whose niece's boob I just brushed.
Tom Servo: [Adam examines the pan of goo and a syringe on the table] Heroin and fudge, what could it mean?
Crow T. Robot: [Adam picks up the syringe and examines it] I don't like shots. They're owie.
Mike Nelson: [as Adam] I wish I had the slightest idea of what the hell I was doing.

Ava: Are you coming or do I swim alone?
Crow T. Robot: Yes and yes

Crow: [Crow's defense testimony] This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % f - -ing not guilty. And if you bastards don't goddamn find him innocent, then you can just f - -ing kiss my fat f - -ing ass. And that f - -ing goes for your bulls - - court system, too! Mike, I'm so motherf - -ing sorry I couldn't f - -ing be there for this f - -ing s - -ty really bogus trial, man. But let me goddamn tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd f - -ing kick everyone's fat stupid motherf - -ing behinds and then cram it up their f - -ing ass. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this s - - helps. Take care, Mike.
Bobo: [pause] I'm sitting next to a free man!

[Dr. Stefanik looks out the window to see the villains staring back at him]
Crow T. Robot: Staring at the window for five hours finally paid off.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Final Sacrifice (#10.10)" (1998)
Troy: Rowsdower, have you always been a...
Crow T. Robot: Hopeless drunk?
Troy: ...Drifter?
Rowsdower: No.
Troy: Well, what were you before?
Rowsdower: I was...
Mike Nelson: A Chippendale's dancer.

Satoris: Why don't you ask your friend when he arrives?
Crow T. Robot: Ha. The joke's on you. I don't have any friends.

Crow T. Robot: I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

[a black-hooded cultist arrives at a house]
Tom Servo: Tee-hee. Tee-hee!
Mike Nelson: His head is still factory-wrapped.
Crow: [snickering] Is he a door-to-door executioner?

[Troy is being chased by cultists with machetes]
Crow: We just wanna cut your sugar cane crop!

Crow: [the villian is praying] God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandpa, and all of my evil henchmen.

Tom Servo: [as Satoris] Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell, you SHOT me in the BUTT!
[Satoris starts burning]
Crow: So Mike, most humans, when you shoot 'em in the butt, they burst into flames?
Mike Nelson: Uh, I dunno.
Crow: Can we try it? Turn around.

Crow T. Robot: [seeing the company name Greidanus] He comes from a long line of great anuses.

Crow T. Robot: [sees snow in movie] Hooray! The movie's closed today because of snow.

Crow T. Robot: I can't wait til they start the internet.

Crow T. Robot: [as Troy] Man I'm 25! I hope I hit puberty soon.

Rowsdower: D'you have any idea what kind of people you're dealing with?
Crow: They're from Saskatchewan!

Rowsdower: Go to hell!
Crow T. Robot: Or at least Edmonton!

Crow: I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion of the Neptune Men (#9.19)" (1997)
[we see a record player running backwards]
Crow: Paul is a dead man! Miss him! Miss him!

Crow T. Robot: To be dead... to be nothing... to watch "Neptune Men" no more...

Crow T. Robot: You know, maybe the Japanese didn't really know they were making a film per se. Maybe... maybe they thought there were working in a different medium. Like fabric sculpture, or something.

Tom Servo: Hey, you know, Space Chief should really try going up into SPACE sometime.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's more like "Lower Atmosphere Chief."
Mike Nelson: "Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief."

Crow T. Robot: [as the Neptune Man leader clenches his fists in anger] I WANT MY RECORD!

[At seeing a building with an image of Hitler on it blown up]
Crow: What? What!
Tom Servo: They blew up the Hitler building! Where's everybody gonna go to see Hitler memorabilia?
Crow: All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
Mike Nelson: That great restaurant, "The Bunker"! It's gone, you son of a...
Crow: You blew it up!

Mike Nelson: You know, I wish the running would never stop. I mean it. I simply can't get enough shots of these kids running! Really! Literally, there is no limit to how much I wanna see of this!
Crow T. Robot: Just a little sarcastic, maybe, Mike?
Mike Nelson: Eh, just a touch, I guess.

Tom Servo: Oragami!
Mike Nelson: What?
Tom Servo: Oragami's Japanese, right? I like Oragami. Well, maybe "like" is too strong a word. I mean, I don't mind it... Ah, Hell, I hate it. Folding paper is STUPID! STUPID!
Crow T. Robot: You sure turned on that pretty quickly.

Crow T. Robot: You know, I am starting to get a sense of Space Chief's ultimate vulnerability, though.
Tom Servo: I think we're gonna hear a deft and poetic monologue from Space Chief about his loneliness.

[during a lengthy shot of a radar screen]
Crow T. Robot: You know, not many movies can support a full minute of looking at a radar screen. For example, *this* one can't, at all.

Crow: [discussing stock footage of a building with Hitler's likeness being blown up] Say Mike, was there a Hitler building where you grew up?
Mike Nelson: Not, um... No. No, no.
Crow: Sure?
Mike Nelson: No.

Crow T. Robot: [as the kids flee in terror] Take us away little shorts!

[Crow tries in vain to hurry along a tensionless scene:]
Launch Controller: Ten. Nine. Eight...
Crow: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. One.
Launch Controller: Seven...
Crow: One.
Launch Controller: Six...
Crow: One!
Launch Controller: Five...
Crow: ONE!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Spider Invasion (#9.10)" (1997)
Crow: "Dark? It's not dark," Rebane declared.
Tom Servo: Visuals? For a movie? Who needs them?

Crow: [fake-laughing] It's always funny when you turn down tea, then you decide you want tea!

Crow T. Robot: Moses, move the bike!

[Dan Kester goes to the refrigerator]
Crow T. Robot: Want a piece of milk?

[watching Dan Kester]
Mike Nelson: Johnny Crappleseed.
Crow: Paul Infected Bunyan.
Tom Servo: Old McDonald had a cyst.

[watching the giant spider dissolve into a gloppy mess]
Mike Nelson: Ew, the spider needs a Zantac.
Tom Servo: Alan Hale digests a kielbasa.
Crow: "It Came from Planet Gross-Out."

Mike Nelson: [as Dan Kester chases Teri out of the room in his filthy long johns] And the movie just ramps up the repulsion.
Crow: This movie hates us doesn't it?

Crow: [as an asteroid shaped like a sperm approaches Earth] I hope Earth has its diaphragm on.

Sheriff: [on the phone] No, ma'am, I don't have the number.
Tom Servo: Take your time, movie.
Sheriff: All I can tell you is, use the Yellow Pages. Let your fingers do the walking!
Crow T. Robot: Not a joke, but an incredible simulation.

Crow T. Robot: Packers fans... the horrible truth

Crow: [Groan] Oh he's lactating...

Crow T. Robot: A showered person, thank God...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (#11.3)" (1999)
Grandpa: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow T. Robot: You are sick, old man.

Crow T. Robot: He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!

Crow T. Robot: [as Ernest Borgnine who is narrating the story] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!

Crow T. Robot: See here's his problem, going around town dressed like that, asking women "Have you seen my little monkey?"

Pearl Forrester: Attention captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now, let's do it right so I can get to the real mad scientist stuff, like pulling the heads off monkeys.
Professor Bobo: HEY!
Pearl Forrester: Oh don't even.
[reads note]
Pearl Forrester: Hmmm... Hehehe... Yes, good good good. This is a very good evil experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you, say Servo, is given complete power and control over the others...
Tom Servo: [dressed like a Nazi] Furthermore, all those violating marshal law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.
Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weakly] Hooray.
Tom Servo: And finnaly, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't kill you!
Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weaker] Hooray.
Pearl Forrester: ...The person in charge will undoubtedly become corrupt. So, take your person in charge and fill his underwear with fire ants.
Tom Servo: F-f-f-fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I relinquish my power to Mike! I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back!
Pearl Forrester: Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments.

[the movie is starring Ernest Borgnine]
Crow T. Robot: The mystical wonder is that he's *in* a movie.

Crow T. Robot: [as Ernest Borgnine, as Sparkle the Dog is trapped in a burning garage] Remember the kitten, Billy. That was nothing compared to this.
Tom Servo: [as Billy] No...
Crow T. Robot: [as Borgnine] At least the kitten went quick, Billy.

Crow T. Robot: [as the toy monkey, when Michael accidentially knocks over the garbage can he was in] Dahhh! Man! I was next to an old coffee filter and a diaper! Whoo, thanks, kid.

Tom Servo: [on the SOL bridge] What are you doing there, Mikey-drawers?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: Oh, I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine's children's books based on the movie. I don't know, I thought it would be whimsical or something.
Crow T. Robot: Well, bring on the whimsy, man!
Mike Nelson: OK, well here's one called "Santa's Workshop of Shimmering Delights." That might be whimsical...
Mike Nelson: Oh, man... Wow, well this isn't appropriate. Here, Aram the Elf's hands get scissored off in the sheet metal crimper.
Tom Servo: [whistles] Ooh, yeah, that's unsavory, all right.
Mike Nelson: Well, let's try this one. "Slow Bear's Woodland Picnic." How could that possibly...
Mike Nelson: Wow! Holy cow! Slow Bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunk's head with a can of pork and beans!
Crow T. Robot: Wow! That Borgnine is dark, man!
Tom Servo: Hey, try "Fluffy Bunny's New Blue Suit."
Mike Nelson: Yeah, that sounds completely...
Mike Nelson: Oh, my...
[looks like he's about to vomit]
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: What?
Crow T. Robot: [both he and Tom read and start to gag] AAAHHHH! THEY'RE EATING HIS LIVER! AAAAHHHH!
Mike Nelson: [thoroughly disgusted] That's it, these are all going ba-
[sees another]
Mike Nelson: Oh, now look at this one! "Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore!"
Tom Servo: Augh!
Crow T. Robot: Augh!
Mike Nelson: What is with this guy, man? This is-
[reads, looks puzzled]
Mike Nelson: Oh, this one seems fine.
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: What?
Mike Nelson: "In a little, cozy hole in the ground there lived eight plump mice."
Tom Servo: Yeah, whose eyes get poked out with upholstery needles!
Mike Nelson: No, they get little sweaters and live happily.
Crow T. Robot: Wow, weird.
Mike Nelson: We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: New sweaters, really?

Merlin: I'm afraid that over the years, some of the pages have become brittle...
Crow T. Robot: Like the missus here.
Merlin: - and sections have broken off.
Crow T. Robot: Again like the missus here.

Crow T. Robot: That bastard! He turned me into Benjamin Franklin.

Crow: [as Grampa Borgnine] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Red Zone Cuba (#7.19)" (1994)
[during the screening of "Night Train to Mundo Fine"]
Crow T. Robot: Well, they sure aren't wasting any precious screen time on the *plot*!

[watching Night Train to Mundo Fine]
Crow T. Robot: Nothing's happening *so* fast!

[watching Night Train to Mundo Fine]
Crow T. Robot: [as Griffin] If I get any happier, I might just *kill* myself!

Crow T. Robot: Those sure were some tasty frog legs, huh?

[a gigantic jump cut occurs early on in the movie]
Crow T. Robot: Whoops! There we go again.

[about John Carradine]
Crow T. Robot: Is he *always* 100 years old?

[referring to Griffin, Cook and Landis]
Crow T. Robot: Remember when everyone used to dress up like these guys?

Crow T. Robot: Well, aside from the fact that I might never be able to experience joy again, I didn't think this movie was that bad.

Crow T. Robot: I want to hurt this movie but I can never hurt it in the ways that it has hurt me.

[the incredibly ugly Cherokee Jack is introduced]
Mike Nelson: Ah, another Hollywood pretty boy.
Crow T. Robot: Take a long second and get used to this face.

Crow T. Robot: John Carradine makes Keith Richards look dewy.

Crow T. Robot: Make sure your parting is gouged into your skull

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Wild World of Batwoman (#6.15)" (1993)
Mike Nelson: What'd I miss?
Crow T. Robot: Only the best credits ever.

Johnny: Well, why don't they call?
Crow T. Robot: Because they don't like you!

[watching "The Wild World of Batwoman"]
Crow T. Robot: So, Mike, this is hell.
Mike Nelson: Yup.

Crow T. Robot: You know, this is like an Andy Warhol movie only it's kinda weird.

Crow T. Robot: Larry Tate, that's rich!

[Batwoman picks up a telephone in a skimpy outfit]
Crow T. Robot: [in a girly voice] Good morning, College Republicans.

[upon seeing the title "Cheating"]
Crow T. Robot: A Centron production! Although we got the idea from another company. Because we're cheating.

Crow T. Robot: Mother Theresa called... She hates you.

Rat Fink: Never mind the monsters, Leon.
Crow T. Robot: Here's the Sex Pistols.

Crow T. Robot: So this is Ingmar Bergman's first American film?

Crow T. Robot: Well, the music's awful, but at least it's drowning out the dialogue.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers (#4.1)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!
Crow T. Robot: I'll what?
Tom Servo: You'll show 'em.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? IT'S OG!
Joel: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Dr. Forrester, Frank: What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL!
Frank: Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly, Frank. Push the Button.
Frank: Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.
Dr. Forrester: Would you just push the button?
Frank: I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, he's been gonged.

Crow T. Robot: I think your cape is faaaabulouuuus!

Ator: I don't understand!
Crow T. Robot: We're not surprised.

Crow T. Robot: [as Ator's background is explained via an exceptionally detailed flashback] This is the part of the film we like to call, 'she had to ask.'

Joel: Uh-oh. The fog's starting to obscure the action.
Crow T. Robot: What action?

Joel: Wait, why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, because she's got an arrow in her chest.
Joel: Oh I can see... huh?

Crow T. Robot: [Ator's history is being told, complete with many random psuedomythic-sounding objects] Jeez, Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.

Tom Servo: Stately Wayne Manor...
Crow T. Robot: What's a Wayne Manor?
Joel: Oh that's where Batman lived before he became the Dark Knight in those comic books.
Tom Servo: They're not comic books, they're *graphic novels*.

Crow T. Robot: [referring to the snappy dressed Lord] I'm de best lookin' man in de middle ages! My! My! My!

Tom Servo: [Ator flies off a cliff on a handglider] Oh, come ON!
Crow T. Robot: What the...
Tom Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so he kills a deer, tans the hide, builds some adealized aluminum frames, learns how to extrude, all in about five minutes, huh?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Space Mutiny (#9.20)" (1997)
[after Space Mutiny finally ends]
Mike Nelson: Boo! Boo!
Tom Servo: Man, a retarded jellyfish could make a better movie than this!
Crow: A severely impaired box turtle with a very busy schedule, just give him a camera for a day, he'd come up with something better than this.

Captain Devers: [referring to another character] Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.
Commander Jansen: Alright.
Crow: [as Jansen] Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

Wussy commander: This is mutiny! This is treason! Which I warn you I must report!
Crow: I just need to wet myself first!

Crow: [the macho names they invent for the films hero] Slab Bulkhead!
Tom Servo: Fridge Largemeat!
Mike Nelson: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bold Bigflank!
Mike Nelson: Splint Chesthair!
Mike Nelson: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge!
Mike Nelson: Thick McRunfast!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Tom Servo: Trunk Slamchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike Nelson: Stump Beefknob!
Tom Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike Nelson: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chunkmen!
Tom Servo: Dirk Hardpeck!
Mike Nelson: Rip Steakface!
Tom Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Mike Nelson: Brick Hardmeat!
Crow: Rip Slabcheek!
Tom Servo: Bob Johnson! No wait...
Mike Nelson: Smoke Manmuscle!
Mike Nelson: Big McLargeHuge!

Crow: Here's a little free advice for the mutineers: Just stop and aim, you idiots!
Tom Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep on missing this slow, giant, white thing?

[Dave Ryder and Leah are chasing Kalgon in golf-carts]
Crow: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of *three*!

Crow: I have a whole colony of people living in my beard.

Crow: Oh, hey, Mike, uh, I'm a Bellerian.
Mike Nelson: Sure looks that way, doesn't it?
Crow: Yep. I just found out, and you know it's weird. It explains so much about me, about who I am, where I came from, what motivates me and such.
Mike Nelson: Well, sure. I mean, you're a Bellerian.
Crow: Yep. Why, don't I look like one, or--?
Mike Nelson: No, sure. You do.
Crow: I mean, I've got to be a Bellerian, otherwise I wouldn't be dressed like this. Gosh, am I a Bellerian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have to be. Yep, yep, I'm a Bellerian. Oh, hell, am I? I-- No, no, no, I am a Bellerian. I am. Mm-hm.

[the camera pans over a character that died in the previous scene]
Mike Nelson: Hey... Hey, she's dead! She died!
Tom Servo: Wow...
Captain Devers: Sir...
Crow: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance!

David Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea Jansen: Doctor!
David Ryder: Doctor!
Crow: Doctor Lady!

[as a character drives off in a tiny cart]
Crow: Herve Villechaize's death car.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (#2.2)" (1989)
Crow: [about the film's villain] The only thing diabolical about this guy is his acting.

Crow: This is the kind of film you *won't* put on pause when you leave the room.
Tom Servo: It encourages you to go get a sandwich.
Crow: Kinda like TV repellent.

[the titular robot is revealed]
Crow: It's not so great, it doesn't have knees.

[the rocket flies towards the moon, however... ]
Crow: It sure is sunny in space.

Crow: Immolation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Joel: I didn't know Billy Barty was in this.
Crow: He's got a small part.

Crow: I looked up "anti-climax" in the dictionary and it said "See: Aztec Mummy."

Crow: And never darken this film again.

[a short serial episode is starting before the main movie]
Crow: There's always a boring short.
Tom Servo: My shorts are never boring.

Dr. Almada: The professor had given up his life to save ours.
Crow: And his career.

Crow: Once that robot gets into gear, you're really going to see him kick some Aztec.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Future War (#11.4)" (1999)
Crow T. Robot: [during the opening credits] I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.

[while observing the lead actor of "Future War"]
Crow: Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme!
Mike Nelson: More like Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.

Crow T. Robot: [as the cyborg crashes into the church from above] It's SuperPope!

Tom Servo: [as the spaceship comes into view on screen] Wait! Another movie started!
Mike Nelson: [identifies the ship which the front looks much like a dustbuster] Dustbuster Galactica.
Crow T. Robot: [summarizing the film] Maybe this is an anthology of short, plotless movies.

[Runaway is surrounded by cardboard boxes]
Crow T. Robot: He's "boxed" in!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, well I'm card-"bored".

Sister Ann: Drive! Drive!
Crow T. Robot: Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! Of course, if you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.

[as Runaway and the cyborg fight]
Crow T. Robot: This is hard to watch because I care about them both so much.
Mike Nelson: I care about the boxes. I mean, why should innocent freight have to suffer?

[seeing the name "Andre Scruggs" in the opening credits]
Tom Servo: Ah, the French country singer.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's usually paired with Guillaume Tubbs.

Crow T. Robot: [Making fun of one of the obese characters] I'll loan him some flesh.

Crow T. Robot: [Runaway is making a grunting face surrounded by boxes] Don't come in yet!

Mother Superior: Keep your eyes open. God always answers prayers...
Crow T. Robot: But only from Catholics!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Gila Monster (#5.2)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: S-son? Wait, he called me "son." No wonder mom cries when I mention the Sheriff.

Crow T. Robot: Stupid-Man. More powerful than an okie-motive.

Crow T. Robot: Hey, hey, one at a time! We've only got one boom mike!

Crow T. Robot: Here, drink this. It'll help you feel American.

Sheriff: Your son Pat, he's about nineteen, isn't he?
Wheeler: That's right.
Crow T. Robot: As teens go, yes.

Sheriff: Chase, level with me.
Crow T. Robot: You think I'm pretty?

Sheriff: Car was stolen outta state and the plates were stolen in state.
Crow T. Robot: Insured by Allstate.

Sheriff: Chase, I'm in a jam and I need your help. Wheeler swings a big enough stick in this country to make it rough, and he's doing it.
Crow T. Robot: You lookin' on a different script, Sheriff?

Crow T. Robot: It's the annual Fire Hazard Dance.

Crow T. Robot: [as the kids dance] Shake. Shake. Shake your forbidden parts.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Angels Revenge (#7.22)" (1995)
Crow T. Robot: It's the TandA Team.

Crow T. Robot: [about his film] Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk is guaranteed boffo box office!

Crow T. Robot: [as girl] She rejected me! I'm gonna go use drugs.

Crow T. Robot: [as Jim Backus] And here's where we grow dirt.

Crow T. Robot: [as Jim Backus] And we're thinking of starting a fascist petting zoo!

Crow T. Robot: [as angels] Are we hot or is it just us?

Angel: Girls, we've got company.
Crow T. Robot: Get out the good linen.

Crow T. Robot: This looks like a job for girl... woman!

[on "Angels' Brigade]
Crow T. Robot: I bet the words "Where's my cocaine?" were heard a lot on this film.

Crow T. Robot: I'd rather spend a weekend in Robert Bork's underpants than watch more of this.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Lost Continent (#3.8)" (1990)
Joel: That was the nineteen-fifty-one classic "Lost Continent". Interestingly enough, EP Robert Lippert found that he could extend the length of his film by adding meaningless, poorly contrived and blocked walking sequences, or in the case of today's film, mind-numbingly excessive mountain-climbing scenes. He called the device "padding" and as you know, padding has become a staple of movies ever since. Now this.
Tom Servo: Cesar Romero, whom many of you will recognize from the "Batman" TV series of the late sixties, and who was thought to be a spy, was originally to play the role that eventually went to Hugh Beaumont. Director Sam Newfield said, "Cesar just isn't bland enough." We'll be right back.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Director Newfeld, known nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork. Uh, we'll be right back.

Crow T. Robot: Ever fly one of these before?
Tom Servo: Nope.
Crow T. Robot: Neither have I.

Hugh Beaumont: Hello boys.
Joel: Hugh Beaumont?
Hugh Beaumont: Oh come on, call me 'Dad'.
Joel: Gee sir, I mean Dad, what are you doing here?
Hugh Beaumont: Well you see boys, I'm one of the four horsemen of the apoclalyse and I come bearing a message of unholy death.
Joel: Huh?
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, I'm really going to give you the business, destroy you, your world, and all that you know. But first, a stern talking-to. You know, you shouldn't be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you.
Crow T. Robot: Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick to judge others then, huh.
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, Crow.
Crow T. Robot: He bought it, what a jerk!

Crow T. Robot: Why do the violins always trill when he's climbing?

Crow T. Robot: Got a match?
Joel: Yeah, my butt, your face.

Tom Servo: Hey, does this movie have a continental breakfast?
Crow T. Robot: No, they lost the continental breakfast.

Crow T. Robot: It's the mother-loving rubber dinosaur of them all!

Tom Servo: Brain the size of a walnut.
Crow T. Robot: The dinosaur?
Tom Servo: No, the director.

Crow T. Robot: I'm going to ask this once again, and it's only for the sake of conversation, what do you think is the tastiest part of the human body?

Crow T. Robot: Get away! The stock footage is erupting.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Final Justice (#11.8)" (1999)
Crow: [seeing Joe Don Baker] His arteries are just looking at each other, shakin' their heads

Crow: [Joe Don collapses] In the time it takes him to fall the government in Italy changes three times.

Crow: [about Joe Don Baker] A giant baby in a hat.

Crow: And now, the thick, meaty conclusion of "Final Justice."

[Joe Don Baker leaves the village after the villagers nursed him back to health]
Mike Nelson: Well, they hustled him out of the village pretty quick.
Tom Servo: [as Joe Don] But wait, I'm still sick and wounded.
Crow: [as villagers] Uh huh. Good-BYE!

[as Joe Don Baker chugs a large glass of milk]
Crow: His arteries are just looking at each other, shaking their heads.

Crow: [upon seeing Joe Don Baker's horrible suit] My Mom made me a real cowboy suit!

Crow: The sun is blotted out as Joe Don Baker approaches.

Crow: Wow this movies really drawn me in... to a deep well of despair.

Crow: Clowns. Terrifying in any country.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Outlaw (#6.19)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: [as Jack Palance/Xenos] God, I'm drunk.

Crow T. Robot: [as Jack Palance] I crap bigger than this movie!

Watney Smith: Hi darling. You, uh, doing anything later?
Crow T. Robot: [as the girl Watney's hitting on] Yeah, blowing you off.

Crow T. Robot: [as Cabot's ring starts making noise] It's Commissioner Gordon calling.

Crow T. Robot: Sorry folks. We simply could not afford to have special effects.

Watney Smith: What's hell's the matter with the car, Cabot? Keep it on the road.
Crow T. Robot: It's just the stage hands rocking it.

Crow T. Robot: [watching Cabot pound on an attacker's chest] Clear! Live dammit. C'mon.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, please. Let's not have another vague scene.

Mike Nelson: [regarding Cabot's fight the gladiators] That's not him. Good thing they brought his stunt double in.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, but he fights good. Too bad he wasn't the hero.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants (#6.23)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: [watching kids dance] Hey that's the monkey.
Tom Servo: I thought that was the jerk?
Crow T. Robot: No, the jerks are doing the monkey

Jean: Dig that nitty gritty.
Crow T. Robot: Stop slanging! What are you saying?

Crow T. Robot: The Beau Brummels!
Tom Servo: The Beau Bridges Brummels!
Crow T. Robot: The Beau Brummels Bridges of Madison County!

Crow T. Robot: Why is she spraypainting the spider?

Rick: Y'see Fred boy. All it takes is a little cooperation.
Crow T. Robot: And some hot rollers.

Crow T. Robot: It sounds like Shaft is coming!
Mike Nelson: Shut your mouth.

Tom Servo: [a duck is at the party] Now this is ridiculous!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, first of all, we're assuming they paid cover.
Tom Servo: So where did they get the money?
Mike Nelson: Maybe they put it on the bill?

Crow T. Robot: I reject Tommy Kirk and all his works.

Crow T. Robot: Chicks love big ducks, let's face it.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Thing That Couldn't Die (#9.5)" (1997)
Crow T. Robot: [sing song] There's a dark oily film on my headband!

Crow T. Robot: [sing song] There's a thick, yellow stain on my back brace...

Linda: You're thinking that Jessica can help find the casket. Why not ask her?
Crow T. Robot: Oh boy, get her...
Gordon Hawthorn: Well, I don't want to...
Mike Nelson: She'll hit me...

Crow T. Robot: Get crackin' Aunt Flavo-right!

Crow T. Robot: 5000 dollars is a lot of money back... now

Mike Nelson: Aunt Fistula!
Tom Servo: Aunt Flatcula!
Crow T. Robot: Aunt Caligula!

Crow T. Robot: Hank, I said No! It's a disgusting idea!
Tom Servo: Come on, honey, I'll just quietly squeeze in between you two...

[Boyd sneaks into Flavia's bedroom as Flavia is in bed asleep]
Crow T. Robot: [as Flavia] Okay cowboy, hop in. Let's get this rodeo started.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Quest of the Delta Knights (#10.13)" (1998)
Baydool: My name is Baydool.
Crow T. Robot: No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.
Baydool: Can you say "Baydool"?
Pearl Forrester: Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't.

Baydool: There's always food on the table.
Crow T. Robot: And food in my beard.
Baydool: Would you like some food?
Tom Servo: I would, but what's that crap you're holding up?

[Baydool comes out holding a chamber pot]
Pearl Forrester: Eww, wizard wiz!
Crow T. Robot: He drained the wizard!

Baydool: You're no longer a slave. Do you understand?
Crow T. Robot: You're the hostage of a madman!

Tom Servo: Hey, what happened to Crow there?
Mike Nelson: Oh he went outside to check the ships gutters, the ratio kicked up and he got caught in a freak hailstorm.
Tom Servo: Sure is the season for 'em, huh?
Mike Nelson: Yeah, about three grand in hail damage, uh, it's gonna be about three weeks in the shop, but Gyps gave me a loaner Crow.
[smoking rattling loaner Crow shows up]
Tom Servo: Cool. Hey, it's that old AMC Crow that Gypsy's been tinkering with for years.
Loaner Crow: Hey guys, are there things that are happening?
Tom Servo: He must be running rich.
Mike Nelson: Yeah, well, I'll flip his air filter cover over and uh, he should be fine.
Tom Servo: Check it out, he's got a killer radio!
Mike Nelson: Oh wow, cool.
[turns on radio]
Loaner Crow: Later we'll take stuff and do it, right?

Outlaw: [muffled] There's to be no talking by Prince Jaamteer's command.
Crow T. Robot: Well, tell Prince Jumpjugs I'm sorry.

Leonardo: What are you doing?
Tom Servo: Trying to obey Prince Jumpjugs.
Tee: When in doubt, rest.
Crow T. Robot: You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.

Leonardo: Come on, Tee. Besides being a pretty good artist, I'm *great* with maps, so how about it?
Mike Nelson: How great can you really be at *maps*?
Crow T. Robot: It's like being good at eating cereal.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Soultaker (#11.1)" (1999)
Crow T. Robot: Dummy! Didn't you see that "Warning: Joe Estevez crossing" sign?

[during a scene in which Joe Estevez's character appears]
Crow T. Robot: Hi, folks. You may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented but less appreciated brother. Thank you.

Brad Deville: Zak, you still haven't figured it out yet, have you?
Crow: We have. Can we go?
Brad: Zak, Led Zeppelin was wrong, man.
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Brad: There is no stairway to heaven.
Tom Servo: Zep is never wrong, man.
Brad: An even if there was, you couldn't buy your way up there.
Mike Nelson: Is SABBATH wrong too, man?

[the Soultaker, disguised as Natalie's mother, peeks at her while she's undressing for a bath]
Crow T. Robot: Eeeeww, I INSTANTLY need counseling.

Crow T. Robot: [the camera speeds down a highway] Where's David Byrne's head?

Tom Servo: [as a soultaker, while the two soultakers are seen walking alongside a road] I'm sorry. I thought we had more gas.
Crow T. Robot: [as the camera jumps closer to the soultakers] Hey, wait...
Crow T. Robot: [the camera jumps even closer] Hey, hey, um, wait...
Crow T. Robot: [as the camera shows an extreme closeup of Robert Z'dar's crotch] Eeeeeewwww, took my soul, right there.

Crow: You know, it's just not death with dignity if there's an Estevez in the room.

[Joe Estevez looks surprised]
Crow: My nephew made Mighty ducks.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (#6.7)" (1993)
[during the short about "truck farming"]
Joel: Praise the Truck Farmer! Bow down to him!
Crow T. Robot: Worship the Truck Farmer, at the church of your choice.

Crow T. Robot: Yes Satan, speak to me through this song!

Charlie Blake: Now listen to me, no one's gonna take you away from me.
Crow T. Robot: Not even me, see? I'd kill me before that happens.

Crow T. Robot: [the field is being plowed] It's harrowing, isn't it?

Narrator: Here in southern Texas, there is an additional problem.
Crow T. Robot: Texans.

Crow T. Robot: I'm thinkin' of tellin' my wife I love her. Naah, forget it, not worth it.

Crow T. Robot: I accuse you, Joel. Now, carefully, hand over the hamburger sandwich.
Tom Servo: Don't let him forget the french fries potato garnish.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girl in Gold Boots (#11.2)" (1999)
[after a bad edit results in a character suddenly appearing mid-scene]
Tom Servo: I'm back.
Mike Nelson: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow T. Robot: C'mon, I just teleported here, it's impressive.

Singer: [as a song plays, a greasy cook watches] Everything I touch turns to gold...
Crow T. Robot: So what happens when you touch gold?
Tom Servo: Everything I touch turns to flies.
Mike Nelson: Wolfgang Puck's sad demise.

Crow T. Robot: I'm having Critter's varment!

Crow: I'm having Critter's varment!

[Blatts hands Buz a garbage can to empty]
Harry Blatts: Here, this'll give you something to do with those busy hands of yours.
Crow T. Robot: Gah, what is he implying?

Crow T. Robot: [Buz applauds Michelle's so-called "dancing" by clapping] Don't! The fryer's hooked up to the clapper!

[watching a supposedly wild dance sequence]
Crow T. Robot: Man, if it gets any wilder here, a bridge game is gonna break out.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills (#6.10)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: I'm late for my Hitler youth meeting.

Crow T. Robot: What's Rutherford B. Hayes doing in this movie?

Crow T. Robot: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves?

Crow T. Robot: Alright new rule. No crusty old evangelists.

Crow T. Robot: Here are a few highlights from the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes, act started the Hayes Office, won fame as an American lyric tenor and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919. After he retired, he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Allen Arthur.

Crow T. Robot: The old man never said that.
Tom Servo: You can't flash back to something that never happened. That's not fair.

Narrator: Don't let this happen to you!
Crow T. Robot: Don't change a tire with your face.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Touch of Satan (#10.8)" (1998)
Crow: Mike, I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense.

Crow: [makes a train sound] Ding, ding, ding - that's the train going through your pause!

Crow: Is this the same pause or is this technically a sub pause?

Crow: Our next pause is gonna be THIS BIG!

[as a police car drives down the road]
Crow: [using Barney Fife voice] Well, Andy, there was a demon in the car!

Farmer: [upon hearing a meow] Is that you Robert?
Mike Nelson: Robert the cat?
Farmer: You should be in bed.
Crow: With Andrew the dog.

Crow: [after Jodie and Melissa have kissed and stare at one another meaningfully, as Jodie] Gah, that was really *bad*.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Against the Moon Men (#5.10)" (1992)
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [watching the rock men close in on Samara] We will, we will rock you.

Crow T. Robot: Joel, I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts that the women.
Tom Servo: Boy, don't you know it? I can just imagine a common scene from the days of ancient Greece. Oh, hi Hercules, have a seat. Ah, no, no, no!

Crow T. Robot: [singing] The great men of our time have all worn pants. Roosevelt, Churchill, De Gaulle, Gandhi... well almost all of them.

Crow T. Robot: The world is having a maalox moment.

Crow T. Robot: Why is he wearing oven mitts?

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Herculeeeees! Herculaaaaa! Herculeeeees! Hercula-ha-ha-ha! Herculeees! Herculaaa! My backpacks filled with pecks!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Fire Maidens of Outer Space (#5.16)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: Cy Roth: maker of films and fine candies.

Crow T. Robot: Stay on the left! On the left! Dickweed!
Tom Servo: Let's get you right out to the suburbs where it's safe.
Joel Robinson: What, are they driving to Scotland?

Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's traffic in space.

Crow T. Robot: Breakfast is the most boring meal of the day.

Crow T. Robot: Go for the women, not the old goat!

Crow T. Robot: Jupiter: America's dairyland.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Projected Man (#10.1)" (1998)
Crow T. Robot: Ehhh... Mike, let's just torch the theater and get out of here, c'mon.

Dr. Paul Steiner: Now we'll see what happened to your watch...
Crow T. Robot: And then move onto your knickers, if your comfortable.

Dr. Paul Steiner: I succeed everytime with an inanimate object, if only I could do the same with a living creature
Crow T. Robot: Oh, keep that to yourself man...

Dr. Paul Steiner: Now I'd like to demonstrate with something of your own, Pat. Something you'd recognize.
Crow T. Robot: Your knickers perhaps?
Dr. Patricia Hill: My watch do?
Dr. Paul Steiner: Couldn't be better. Come with me...
Mike Nelson: Well actually, your knickers would be better but... eh... that's fine.

Dr. Paul Steiner: This is the transmission cradle.
Crow T. Robot: Where your knickers might have gone.

Professor Lembach: What were his prospects of success?
Crow T. Robot: One in crap-dillion...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: King Dinosaur (#3.10)" (1990)
Crow T. Robot: Hey, it's the MGM Lion. Ah, no, it's the Lippert Lizard.

Crow T. Robot: [on the movie scientists making camp instead of exploring] We wouldn't want them to find an important scientific discovery.

[Richard shoves Nora out of the way to get to the wounded Ralph]
Crow T. Robot: Get out of the way, you had your chance.

[the lemur crawls toward Nora's breasts]
Crow T. Robot: He's hungry.

[the movie scientists set off an atomic bomb]
Crow T. Robot: Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? Uh, they'd never surrender. It was right to blow 'em up.
[the lemur lifts its head up]
Crow T. Robot: Thanks for annihilating everything I know.

Crow T. Robot: Hmmmm. Qualified. Qualified? Hmmmm. Wow, what a question! Me, Crow T. Robot, what do I think? Am I qualified? Wow! That's a heavy burden. How can I make a difference? CAN I make a difference? Oh surely, I'm but a single bot, alone, as it were, in the vast universe thing. Maybe I can change the world.
[more positive]
Crow T. Robot: Perhaps I've looked at life from upside down. Hmmmm. Hey Cambot! Move it in a little and, uh, cue that uh moody music. Well, what would Joel do in a situation like this? No, no, nope nope, no, uh. I've got to learn to think for myself. To stand on my own two foot-like apendages. Seize the day. Yes. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by god, I can do it! Why, I could start a letter-writing campaign, yeah, that would help. And, uh, I could organize a bake sale. Or, uh, hey! We could ALL help! Come on friends, run to your window and shout, "I'm really cheesed and I'm not gonna hang around 'till this thing gets better!" Uh, why organize a, uh, improv group and do gorilla theatre at the food court in your mall. Dress a little differently. Make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Or here's an idea: toss a little cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and talk about your true inner feelings in an emotionally-charged, gut-wrenching, autobiographical account of your warped adolesence, and then watch the grant money come in. Whoooo! But don't snap judge me. And then, watch that - uh, uh, I know! Put a drop of vanilla behind each ear and youÌll smell like a cookie all day!
[Getting more excited]
Crow T. Robot: Or, eat an apple: nature's toothbrush. Ask Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie center. Have you met everyone on your block? Now would be a nice time to start, doncha think? Hmmmm. In a classroom, slide your desks together and create an ecology symbol. Police the lives of those around you and get your sensibilities way the heck outta whack! Parade up and down the street in your underwear. Impose your ideas on others! It's easy! Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look. You decide. You do it!
Crow T. Robot: I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision! I'm no good at this sort of thing!
Crow T. Robot: It's up to you. I'm passin' the buck to you. Now I've got commercial sign.
[as Dr. Smith]
Crow T. Robot: Oh, the pain. The pain.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Skydivers (#7.9)" (1994)
Mike Nelson: Did the actors do their own skydiving?
Crow T. Robot: No, the skydivers did their own acting.

Crow T. Robot: Gladys and Abner Kravitz.

[seeing the title "Why Study Industrial Arts"]
Crow T. Robot: Because you're bad at math?

Crow T. Robot: Ah, this is one of those "I can't pay you, but I'll put your name in the credits" movies.

Shop student: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike Nelson: Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.
Shop student: I like the smell of fresh woodchips and sawdust.
Tom Servo: I put them in my underwear.
Shop student: The bright glare of a welder.
Crow T. Robot: I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.
Shop student: The sharp whine of a power tool.
Mike Nelson: The piercing scream of a freshman.
Shop student: Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow T. Robot: Rat-a-tat-tat - I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!

Crow T. Robot: Frolicking has never been so depressing.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Leech Woman (#9.2)" (1997)
Crow T. Robot: You know, if old women give him the creeps, maybe he shouldn't have gone into Old Womanology.

Crow T. Robot: This is the 50's, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car!

Crow T. Robot: Today's miracle cure... BOOZE!

Crow T. Robot: I'm going to put on a dashiki and blow your mind!

Crow T. Robot: [to the tune of Fernando by ABBA] Have you heard the drums you Nandos...

Sally: She told you Neal and I are engaged?
Crow T. Robot: She certainly-SLUT-I mean, oh how nice...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules and the Captive Women (#5.12)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: I hope that's not Hercules. Oh no, it is!

Hercules: I understand, I understand.
Crow T. Robot: I'm a rational man, I'm a rational man.

Crow T. Robot: Oh great, the next Hercules doesn't come 'til 9:47!

Crow T. Robot: I think the cameraman's falling asleep.

Hylus: If my father finds me here with a girl
Crow T. Robot: He'd be surprised.

Guard: Who goes there? Halt!
Crow T. Robot: I mean, halt! Who goes there? Sorry, I'm new.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Horror of Party Beach (#9.17)" (1997)
[the Horror of Party Beach is finally revealed]
Crow: A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Tom Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor.

Crow: Men should NOT have bikini areas.

Crow: Ooh, bet you that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own head with drawn butter.

Crow: I had a generally positive impression of white people before this movie.

Mike Nelson: Hey, everyone! You know, Tom, Crow, and I were talking about how the kids today don't know squat about sodium.
Crow: Yeah. I couldn't of put it better myself, Mike. Why, the shocking lack of sodium taught at schools today is shocking.
Tom Servo: That's right, Crow. So we asked ourselves: How, how, do we reach kids today about sodium?
Crow: How? How? How?
Mike Nelson: Through the Rock N' Roll Music that the kids seem to like.
Crow: ['50s-era music begins] Hit it!
Tom Servo: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Mike Nelson: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Crow: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Mike Nelson: Yeah! Sodium! There is Sodium. Yeah! It's Sodium, baby! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
Crow, Tom Servo: Sodium! Sodium! Sodium! Sodium!
[the music stops]
Crow: [spoken] Sodium.

[Hank drives past Washington Square Park while going to buy sodium]
Mike Nelson: [laughing] And down to Greenwich Village, for no reason.
Crow: How many more will die if I do a *little* sightseeing? Four or five at most, right?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Prince of Space (#9.16)" (1997)
Crow T. Robot: Chickens are a cruel people.

Phantom of Krankor: This is my giant guardian. He obeys my slightest command!
Crow T. Robot: Like, "wander around aimlessly and gain weight."

Crow T. Robot: [as Krankor] Ah hah! Somebody left a perfectly good refrigerator over there! Haah! Haah! Haah!

Crow T. Robot: Twenty thousand leagues above the sea.

[Krankor's palace blows up]
Crow T. Robot: And a proud noble civilization dies out... sometimes. This loser civilization, however, will not be missed.

Krankor: My monster obeys my every command.
Crow: Like wander around aimlessly and gain weight.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (#4.2)" (1991)
Crow T. Robot: [impersonating Gamera who is eyeing Kenny] Those kids at school, they tease you, Kenny, because they've never tasted Hell. Today, we turn the tables.

[Kenny searches for his missing pet turtle Tibby]
Crow T. Robot: How does he expect Tibby to signal him, light up a flare?

Joel Robinson: What is it that you hate so much about Kenny?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he's a child of priviledge and the whole world revolves around him and stuff and he can walk into a restricted maximum security military situation and they treat him like an adult just because he befriended a stupid old turtle.
Tom Servo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he never gets into trouble even though his friendship with Gamera is causing the death of *millions*. And he skips school whenever he wants to. And he never so much as gets sent to his room.

Crow T. Robot: Well, why do you go about stomping on cities and stuff?
Gamera: Well, it-it's not my fault. Listen, I'm big boned, right? And let's face it, cities discriminate against us big boned types, okay?

Tom Servo: So what's the deal with that boy, Kenny? You guys seem to be such chums.
Gamera: Kenny. Kenny. Kenny, Kenny. Little Sweet Kenny. The deal with Kenny is he's a good kid, good hearted. Don't get me wrong, but uh... I'm using him, you know? 'Cause, let's face it, he softens up my image. You know, right? Kenny, cause...
Crow T. Robot: Well, I... Uh.
Gamera: Well look, I can smash a huge city, take out thousands of people, right? Say a suburb of Osaki - kill ten million - and then, uh, you know with Kenny at my side, I look like Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. It's great. Let me tell you something about that unconditional love, children. It feels really good.

Pilot: What is your name? What is your designation?
Crow T. Robot: Are you known for your work in the theater?
[the dark plane fires two missiles out of its back]
Joel Robinson: Uh, you lost your muffler!
[the American plane fires all six of its missiles]
Joel Robinson: Just a couple.
[the dark plane explodes]
Tom Servo: And that's just a warning!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (#11.6)" (1999)
Crow T. Robot: They could use their eyeliner to fashion a crude spear...

Doc: The believability of the sightings along Boggy Creek are rated very high.
Crow T. Robot: By J.D. Power.

Crow T. Robot: So these three are all majoring in Boggy Creek studies?

Mike Nelson: [Mike and Bots see the creature] Ted Nugent?
Crow T. Robot: Slash?
Tom Servo: Rob Zombie?
Mike Nelson: Cher?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Cher.

[the monster is approaching]
Doc: I don't want to alarm anyone, but...
Crow T. Robot: RUN!

Crow T. Robot: So *that's* money... Usually we get paid in possum hides.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hamlet (#11.9)" (1999)
[after seeing a German version of "Hamlet"]
Crow: Well, Mike, this has convinced ME not to kill your Dad and marry your Mom.
Tom Servo: Well, at least when the Germans are doing this they can't be up to any mischief.

Hamlet: Little more than kin. And less than kind.
Crow: That's from "Hamlet"!

Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Tom Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
Mike Nelson: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: That's what we're doing right now, bub.
Hamlet: No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Mike Nelson: Okay, we need a predicate now.
Hamlet: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: Whoa! That's an old chestnut.
Hamlet: [whispering] To sleep...
Tom Servo: [ditto] to sleeeep...
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM!
Crow: The impossible DREAM!

Hamlet: Ay! There's the rub!
Mike Nelson: I knew I had some rub left!
Hamlet: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely...
[Mike begins nodding head along with the list]
Hamlet: ...The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: He said bare bodkin!
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike Nelson: Fardels.

Laertes: I'll not be juggled with.
Crow: I'm not a small sack of beans!

Hamlet: Here's metal more attractive.
Crow: You are made of metal, right, Ophelia?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Blood Waters of Dr. Z (#11.5)" (1999)
Singer: [singing] Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...
Crow T. Robot: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm really sashaying through the sarcasm.

Dr. Leopold: Sargassum. The weed of deciet.
Crow T. Robot: That's what I smoke!

Tom Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow T. Robot: Are you sure you're buying the right KIND of jumpsuit?

Crow T. Robot: [Mike tries to dislodge Crow from the roof beams] Ahh, my friend the squeegee: I love you!

Crow T. Robot: [the Doctor starts to pull off his shorts] Aargh! I'd rather see Sammo Hung wearing a Speedo!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Diabolik (#11.13)" (1999)
[last lines of the series]
Mike Nelson: Who's for rice?
Crow: Would you sit down? The movie's about to start.
Tom Servo: Dummy.
Announcer: WGNJ TV in Milwaukee presents our Saturday afternoon movie, The Crawling Eye.
Tom Servo: The Crawling Eye- the Marty Feldman story.
Mike Nelson: Oh Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure the trees' shirttails are in.
Crow: This movie looks kind of familiar, doesn't it?

Crow: Gentlemen, let's begin our film with a ten minute shot of a spinning radish.

[the police shoot at Diabolik]
Crow: Look, I'm sorry if *you're* offended by my random murders.

Diabolik: [to his girlfriend] You look weathered. Hop in the car.
Crow: "You look weathered." What a nice thing to say.

Crow: [about Ginko] He's basically an eyebrow delivery system.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Phantom Planet (#10.2)" (1998)
Crow T. Robot: No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.

[Frank Chapman is flashing back to previous scenes in the movie]
Tom Servo: Congratulations, Mrs. Astronaut, it's a boy... boy... boy...
Mike Nelson: Wake up, Frank. You wet the bed... bed... bed...
Crow T. Robot: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again... gain... gain...
Mike Nelson: Mr. Chapman, this is Western Financial Collections. Do you value your credit rating... rating... rating...
Crow T. Robot: I'm afraid you're just not 7-11 timber, Frank... Frank... Frank...
Tom Servo: You're the worst party clown we've ever had... had... had...

Crow T. Robot: Maybe if they didn't disguise their planet as a Chicken McNugget, the dogs wouldn't attack it!

Crow T. Robot: Today the moon narrowly missed hitting a man's eye like a big pizza pie.
Tom Servo: Scientists believe that's amore.

Crow T. Robot: Man, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eye!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Danger!! Death Ray (#7.20)" (1995)
[the characters have vaguely foreign accents]
Crow T. Robot: What country does this take place in?
Mike Nelson: Europe.

Crow T. Robot: Bart Fargo is... Hard to Watch!

Crow T. Robot: By now the death ray is completely forgotten.

[the professor introduces his death ray]
Professor: The power of this ray is a lot greater than a laser.
Crow T. Robot: [as Professor] So I haven't just invented that again.

Crow T. Robot: [as Bart Fargo pauses in his sub-machine gun rampage toward the end of the film]
Crow T. Robot: [as Bart Fargo] I wonder if I took a leak right now if I'd break my momentum.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Rocketship X-M (#3.1)" (1990)
Harry Chamberlain: The human body can withstand these accelerations, but it certainly was never meant to.
Crow T. Robot: What did you expect? You're an astronaut, dickweed!

Crow T. Robot: Uh, Houston we've got a problem. Lloyd's making moves on the babe, here.

Floyd (Lloyd Bridges): [Moon visible out porthole] Don't underrate it. Moonlight's potent.
Lisa Van Horn: You are speaking of its effect on men and women?
Tom Servo: No, tree frogs.
Floyd (Lloyd Bridges): On women. I don't need the stuff myself.
Lisa Van Horn: Oh. You're immune?
Crow T. Robot: [mimicking her accent] No, Ah'm Lloyd. That's the Myoon.

Crow T. Robot: By this time my lungs were aching for air!

Dr. Fleming: [defending the mission to reporters, after the RXM crash] It has proven that interstellar space travel is not only possible, but practical.
Crow T. Robot: And enjoyable, for all members of the family! Oh there'll be carnage...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Mole People (#9.3)" (1997)
Crow T. Robot: I treasure these precious moments when John Agar isn't talking!

John Agar: There's gotta be a scientific explanation for all of this.
Crow T. Robot: I believe the Elf Princess put them there.

Crow T. Robot: [to the female love interest] Haven't I told you before that you're not a servant? Now go get me a beer!

Crow T. Robot: Gentlemen, we've been captured by gay wrestling cheerleaders.

[Mike and the Bots provide the inner monologues for our heroes as they listen to an avalanche in the distance]
Tom Servo: I just realized that my life is a lie!
Crow T. Robot: Make something up. State it firmly, even arrogantly!
Mike Nelson: I'm still pissed at Beaumont!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Was a Teenage Werewolf (#9.9)" (1997)
Dr. Alfred Brandon: Do you cry over a guinea pig?
Crow T. Robot: If its Snowball...

Dr. Alfred Brandon: What is one life compared to such a triumph!
Crow T. Robot: What *did* you do to Snowball?

Crow T. Robot: He may urinate submissively, I should warn you...

Crow T. Robot: I'm probably pretty tasty and well marbled, not something I've often thought of...

[a scene is obviously shot day-for-night]
Crow T. Robot: A werewolf in the daytime?
Mike Nelson: They couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
Tom Servo: I thought the night belonged to lovers.
Crow T. Robot: They got bought out by Michelob.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (#4.21)" (1991)
[Joel and the bots sing "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas."]
Tom Servo: [singing] Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] We'll gather at the roadhouse with our next of kin.
Joel Robinson: [singing] And Santa will be our regular Saturday night thing.
Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson: [singing] We'll decorate our barstools and gather 'round and sing.
Tom Servo: [singing] Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

Joel: What do you want for Christmas, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

Andy Henderson: Hi, Santa.
Crow T. Robot: Get the hell out of my shop.

[Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"]
Tom Servo: It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile...
[gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical]
Tom Servo: ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...
Joel: Tom...
Tom Servo: ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Tom Servo: And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.
Joel: HEY.
Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Joel: Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom Servo: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom Servo: Phew, what a relief.

Crow T. Robot: Sorry, I was with... Mmm. Alright uh, okay. "A Christmas Editorial" by Crow T. Robot. Uh, I know I already said that. Um, okay. What's the big deal with Santa's elves, anyway? What happens to all those dumb, wooden trains and horses and cars? No... ever kid gets 'em. These are the kind of toys Grandma drags out at Christmas to decorate the house, which smells like her feet no matter how much Essence of Yuletide Lightbulb Rain Wash she uses. Uh, but I digress. Um, uh... No, these are the real misfit toys. They end up in Marshall Fields window displays and F.A.O. Schwarz catalogs or in overpriced little gift shops in Vermont or Door County, Wisconsin. Ahem. My, my message is for the elves. Gentlemen, what is the problem? Why don't we ever see you in front of a circuit board loading microchips into a Segavision with your little wooden hammers? Elf labor short? The good people of Macow are eager to take your prototypes and turn them into 100,000 knock-offs. Elves and Santa, take an example from the Keeblers. Now there's some fairies who know how to market! In closing uh, step out of the legend days, fellas, and join the century of the Pacific. Oh, and uh, Merry Christmas.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People (#4.3)" (1991)
Tommy: Trumpy. You can do magic.
Crow T. Robot: It's called "evil", kid.

[repeated lines]
Tom Servo: Chief?
Crow T. Robot: McCloud!

Crow T. Robot: [when people start to leave the room with the dead woman] Come on breakfast is getting cold and she isn't any warmer.

Tommy: Trumpy you can do magic!
Crow T. Robot: [Trumpy turns around to face the audience with eyes glowing] It's called evil kid.
Tom Servo: Hey he's got his high beams on!

Tommy: [after Tommy puts the lid back on the jar of peanuts] These we'll put away for later.
Crow T. Robot: [impersonating Trumpy] No more.
Tommy: Now we can play.
Crow T. Robot: Like hell! More food!
Tommy: Do you know what play is Trumpy.
[Trumpy shakes his head]
Tommy: Well what do you know?
Crow T. Robot: Food, eating, the theater!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Devil Doll (#9.18)" (1997)
The Great Vorelli: [as part of his performance act] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger.
Tom Servo: And then I'll be right back.
The Great Vorelli: That he may die at any moment.
Crow T. Robot: [as the Great Vorelli approaches his subject] Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. *Thank you!*

The Great Vorelli: Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger, that he may die at any moment.
Crow: Your life is in danger and you may die at many moment. Thank you.

[hypnotizing a man]
The Great Vorelli: You're about to be executed by a soldier, who will put a single bullet through the back of your head.
Crow: So you might as well go along with my little act.

The Great Vorelli: You'll never win, you'll always lose.
Crow: You're Harold Stassen.

The Great Vorelli: Hugo, walk to the footlights...
Crow: Like an Egyptian.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus (#6.21)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: Increasingly paranoid, Santa's obsession with security begins to hinder everyday operations.

Crow T. Robot: Well, at least he made the sleighs run on time.

Crow T. Robot: [Santa is reading letters] Dear Santa Claus: Please bring me a little brother.' Oh ho ho ho. Can do. Can do.

Crow T. Robot: Ah, the classic battle between Evil and the narrator.

Narrator: [in film] Children from the USA...
Crow T. Robot: ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Riding with Death (#9.14)" (1997)
[a couple of thugs have just attacked Dr. Hale in the parking lot]
Sam Casey: Listen, you got any idea who those turkeys were?
Crow T. Robot: [as Casey] Were they butterballs?
Dr. Hale: We'll get to that after the meeting.
Tom Servo: [as Hale] We'll have a turkey update.

[as the end credits roll, there is a credit for "story consultant"]
Crow T. Robot: [stunned] Story consultant?
Tom Servo: [as story consultant] Yes, I advise you to hire the most annoying cracker you can find and then slam together two incomprehensible plotlines.

Sam Casey: I'm coming up on your mudflaps at sixty-seven.
Crow T. Robot: "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
Mike Nelson: My well-oiled chassis is coming up on your backside now.
Tom Servo: My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door.
Crow T. Robot: My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that... sweet honeypot of yours.
Mike Nelson: CROW!

Crow T. Robot: Let's go to the turkey database...
Tom Servo:

Crow T. Robot: See, crackers and hicks *can* get along...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (#9.12)" (1997)
Bobo: Now, Mike, I'm supposed to send you the movie entitled "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies" but, um, uh, you see, I, uh, I forgot how.
Mike Nelson: Oh, that's okay, Bobo. Don't bother on our account.
Crow: Yeah, let's skip it.
Observer: Oh, for the love of Heidegger. I'll take care of it, you addle-pated homunculus...
Bobo: All right, you cream-faced loon, I've had just about enough out of you.
[Bobo makes monkey noises]
Observer: Good-- good-- good God! What are you doing, man? That-- that-- that's disgusting!
Bobo: You don't know the half of it. How about a little game of catch?
Observer: What are you going to do with that? Oh no, no, you can't possibly...
Bobo: Start running, Casper!
Observer: Oh, no, please, I beg you! Owww ho-ho-ooogh!
Mike Nelson: Remind me to never cross Bobo. Well, we've got Movie Sign!

Crow: [while being hypnotized] Our state fair is a great state fair...

Crow: [noting the horrendous sound] Recorded on Edison's cylinder.

Crow: [during a dance number] I think this is a can-can't.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Beginning of the End (#6.17)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: [as a National Guard just being attacked by a giant cricket] One weekend a month, my ASS!

Crow T. Robot: I'm Peter Graves.

Crow T. Robot: Gladys, quit bugging the Stephens.

Mike Nelson: Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?
Tom Servo: Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, why get them involved.
Mike Nelson: I mean I think we should just call the Mads.
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester is excercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.
TV's Frank: [Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!
[Mike and the bots look shocked]
Dr. Forrester: You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.
TV's Frank: I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.
Dr. Forrester: Well I shouldn't.
[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]
Dr. Forrester: Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!
[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]
Mike Nelson: So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Deadly Bees (#10.5)" (1998)
[at the end of "The Deadly Bees"]
Crow: Well, so what do you suppose the message was for this movie? Oh, wait, I know ? Don't See It!

[watching "Deadly Bees"]
'Deadly Bees' guy: I've made...
Crow: ...this movie really hard to watch?

[at the end of "Deadly Bees", a man has mysteriously appeared, and no further explanation is given as the credits roll]
Crow: Uh, so, look for the credit "Man at the end", OK?

[watching "The Deadly Bees"]
Crow: [as a bee] Uh, sir, please stop trying to milk us!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Track of the Moon Beast (#11.7)" (1999)
Girl: What was *that*?
Boy: A meteorite! A lunar meteorite!
Girl: A meteorite?
Crow T. Robot: A lunar meteorite?

Paul: That's Albuquerque over there. And that road leads to Santa Fe, northeast. And the river is over there...
Kathy: Paul, where are we exactly?
Crow T. Robot: I'm telling you. What do you want? Longitude and latitude?

Johnny Longbow: PAUL is not PAUL ANYMORE!
Crow T. Robot: He's SUPER-PAUL!

Paul: We could go back to my place.
Kathy: Your place?
Paul: My place.
Crow T. Robot: [Lightning flashes, as God] NOT HIS PLACE, FORNICATORS.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Brain That Wouldn't Die (#6.13)" (1993)
Docter: There are ways.
Docter: There are ways.
Mike Nelson: Lots of ways, many ways, did I mention there are ways?
Crow T. Robot: *Ways*!

[about the severed head in the baking pan]
Tom Servo: Well, somebody's got a chip on her shoul...
Crow T. Robot: D'oh! This operation's gonna cost an arm and a le...
Tom Servo: Zing!

Scientist in movie: What's done is done and what I've done is right... it's the work of science.
Crow T. Robot: Science? I thought you said pizza.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Horrors of Spider Island (#11.11)" (1999)
Mike Nelson: Better dead, than continue living.
Crow: As a general rule, I'm not sure I agree.

Crow: So Mike, if you're in a plane crash and you're a girl, you instantly become helpless and sex hungered, and you murmer a lot?
Mike Nelson: Well there's only one way to find out.
[Mike takes the SOL down and the three start doing a spoof on the plane crash in "Horrors of Spider Island." After the crash, everyone is dressed up as a girl]

Babs: Where's Gladys?
Crow: Spying on the Stephens.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (#5.3)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: Hello. Good day. Happy to see you. I, Crow T. Robot, have penned a little ditty in honor of the star of today's experiement, Kim Cattrall. It's call "Oh, Kim Cattrall" by Crow T. Robot, sung by Crow T. Robot. It's marked allegro con brio, Köchel listing 643.
Crow T. Robot: Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Kim Kim Kim Kim Cattrall. You were in "Mannequin", and that was a really good movie Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Caaaattraaaaa-halll! Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Kim Kim Cattrall. You've never made a bad film. Oh, What the hell, ring my bell. Let's go to The Dells. Our relationship will gel. I like your smell, you're really swell.
[as Charlton Heston]
Crow T. Robot: I'm Charlton Heston for Con-Tel. I love you, Kiiiiiiiim...
Crow T. Robot: I liked your dress at the Ace awards- Caaaattraaaaaaaall

Crow T. Robot: You're really stupid if you get by a car AFTER the apocalypse.

Mick: Progress...
Crow T. Robot: Is what my career lacks.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Laserblast (#8.6)" (1996)
Crow T. Robot: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!

Mike Nelson: [the sheriff in Laserblast bears a striking resemblance to Hank Williams Jr] Look, are you READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?
Mike Nelson: Man, I've gotta go home and get READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!
Crow T. Robot: Let's find out of he's READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!
Mike Nelson: What do we got, another citizen who isn't READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!
Crow T. Robot: Anyway, all my rowdy friends are coming over later.
Crow T. Robot: I just feel like you're not ready for some football.
Tom Servo: Anything you say can be used to get you READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!
Tom Servo: I'm not ready for football anymore.
Tom Servo: [Sheriff is cracking open a Coke bottle] Hey, he knows how to use a Coke!
Mike Nelson: [In tune with old Coca-Cola jingle] I'd like to teach the world to GET READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

Crow T. Robot: I think they were going for a 'Touch of Evil' feel, but they got a touch of somethin' else.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Samson vs. the Vampire Women (#7.24)" (1995)
Prof. Orlof: You know, I bet it was a butterfly attracted to the light, and that's all.
Crow T. Robot: Or a tiny condor waiting for you to die.

Henchman: We will not fail you again, Tundra.
Crow T. Robot: That's Permefrost to you!

Crow T. Robot: The International Fight-Like-A-Girl Championship.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gunslinger (#6.11)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: Attica! Attica! Attica!

Crow T. Robot: This is kind of like "Ride the High Country," except it's not very good.

Crow T. Robot: You're a man playing a woman playing a man.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Beatniks (#5.15)" (1992)
Bob 'Moon' Mooney: Get in touch with Morrissey, and...
Crow T. Robot: Tell him to stop crying.

Crow T. Robot: [Eddy, smoking, embraces Helen] Let's create this scene from 'Videodrome'.

Gypsy: [runs screaming from Crow: hides behind Joel]
Crow T. Robot: [brandishing a knife] Where'd she go man, where'd she go?
Joel Robinson: Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy!
Crow T. Robot: I did it for you, Eddie!
Joel Robinson: Oh great, he's in moon mode again.
Crow T. Robot: That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you!
Tom Servo: That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a heinder to speak of.
Crow T. Robot: That's it, that's it!
[stabs Tom]
Tom Servo: [collapses over table] Take... care of my turtle...
Joel Robinson: I will, Tommy.
Tom Servo: Stop my milk delivery...
Joel Robinson: OK, I'll do it.
Tom Servo: Pick up my mail, cancel my subscription to National Review...
Joel Robinson: [amused] OK.
Tom Servo: Continue... to tape... Baywatch for me...
Joel Robinson: All right.
Tom Servo: Take my step-aerobics class... every Tuesday...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Conquered the World (#4.11)" (1991)
Tom Servo: [eating] Mmm, you know that pie was delicious. Did you bake it yourself?
Joel Robinson: Oh no, it's just a recipe my grandmother stole from the bakery.
Joel Robinson: [Crow slurps down coffee] Hey, you want some more?
Crow T. Robot: Only half a gallon.
Joel Robinson: What are you so smug about? You look like a man who's just inherited Texas.
Tom Servo: Well, it may not be too far off. You know, this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What did you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah. The coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Oh, the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel Robinson: Well, I always burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: So you burn it every night?
Joel Robinson: Don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up: if I hold it in, I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye. That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!
Joel Robinson: Did you two get enough? You hardly touched your steak.
Crow T. Robot: I didn't want to touch it, it scared me.

Tom Servo: Yeah, talking about steaks being tough, I thought they retired mail order studs.
Joel Robinson: Well, what would you know about being a stud?
Crow T. Robot: The meat was better if you put that fuzzy gravy on it.
Tom Servo: [disgusted] Oh, was that gravy?I thought the dog had been sick.
Crow T. Robot: I've never seen spam served so many ways, especially in a jello.
Tom Servo: [coughs] You know, halfway through the dinner, my fillet got up and beat the hell out of my coffee and the coffee was too weak to defend itself.
Joel Robinson: Oh well, it looks like you enjoyed the marinade or were you just being a pig?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, the only thing around here that's marinated is Tom.
Tom Servo: Oh that's great. Why don't you just skip the dinner and go straight to passing out on the table?
Joel Robinson: OK, keep it down, you two.
Crow T. Robot: [grossed out] I don't think I can keep anything down if I have to keep looking at that dessert.
Tom Servo: Oh, you know, forget about the pie and just read the recipe.

Crow T. Robot: [after Tom Anderson kisses his wife Claire] Now SHE has the mustache!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Wild Rebels (#3.7)" (1990)
Tom Servo: Gosh, Joel, that biker guy sure is sleazy, but boy, what a vocabulary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's quite eloquent for a piece of lowlife scum.
Joel: Oh, well, you guys might be surprised to find out that a lot of the great thinkers of this century actually rode in motorcycle gangs. In fact, I've got a few drawings...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, don't tell me, you've prepared a presentation using artists' renderings.
Joel: Right. You know, you read me like a book. And anyone who reads a lot of books will know who the Algonquin Round Table was.
Tom Servo: Well, of course! Alexander Wolcott, George S. Kaufman, Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker...
Joel: Right! Well, I've got this drawing here... bring it in a little bit, Cambot. Here's the group, here's their gang. It's called "Satan's Sardonics." Now, these guys terrorized the whole East Coast until one day they were unexpectedly wiped out in a rumble with the cast of "What's My Line?"
Crow T. Robot: Wow, I guess that Bennett Cerf is tougher than people thought!
Joel: Yeah! Now, when you think of a tough, macho writer who writes in a tense, hard-boiled style, who do you think of?
Tom Servo: Uh... Truman Capote?
Joel: Exactly! See? His gang, "Oscar's Wilde Ones" - they were leather boys - were all the rage until Norman Mailer's gang, "Hell's Egos," mixed it up with Gore Vidal's gang, "The Vidal Sassoons."
Crow T. Robot: Boy, sounds pretty messy! "If they don't look good, we don't look good!"
Joel: Yeah, there was gel and mousse for miles around. The carnage didn't end until they all joined forces and finally beat up... Dick Cavett.

Joel: We'll be right back after this important message. Hey, kids!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: [commercial jingle starts] We're Wiiiiild Rebels! Crunchy, fruity rebels! Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun!
Joel: It's Wild Rebels Cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit in back of the head with a surfboard of flavor!
Tom Servo: Look! Marshmallow Fattys!
Crow T. Robot: Sugary Lindas!
Joel: I got tangy, twangy Banjos!
Tom Servo: Crunchy oat Rods!
Crow T. Robot: And Jeeters, too! Die, Jeeter, die!
Magic Voice: [music stops] Kids? What are you doing in there?
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Having a good breakfast, mom.
Tom Servo: [music starts again] Pour on the milk! One, two! One, two, three, four!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Wiiiild Rebels! Bunchy, crunchy rebels! Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal, part of this complete breakfast.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's a cheap surprise inside!
Joel: I got a gun!
Tom Servo: I got a sawed-off pool cue with a leather strap!
Crow T. Robot: I got a chunk of hose filled with lead shot!
Tom Servo: All right, let's take it home!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: They won't get soft or squishy! Better eat 'em, or you're a sissy! Just pound 'em down, you stupid clown, they're WIIIIILD!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal. Just eat 'em.

Crow T. Robot: For those of you watching at home, we have no idea WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The She-Creature (#9.8)" (1997)
Crow T. Robot: They tried to light this, but this movie is like a super-absorbing black hole.

Crow T. Robot: And I, Dr. Woof Woof Lombardi!

Plainclothes Sgt. with Lt. James: The first life of someone living today... over a million years ago
Crow T. Robot: Strom Thurmond?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gorgo (#10.9)" (1998)
Crow T. Robot: If they don't let me up to go soon, it *will* be a yellow submarine...

Crow T. Robot: [Pretending to interpret Morse code] Am... in... Ireland... send real... food

Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sinister Urge (#7.13)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: [on Detective Carson] Bela Lugosi's brother--Shemp Lugosi!

Detective Carson: He didn't have a chance to get rid of it. We've got him with the goods this time!
Crow T. Robot: And I never had to leave my chair!

[Police raid the photographer's studio while he's photographing bikini clad models]
Crow T. Robot: Whoa, they're raiding these guys? Imagine the arrest they could make at the beach.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja II (#4.24)" (1992)
[George Lazenby is featured in the awful Master Ninja II]
Crow T. Robot: [as Lazenby] I used to be Bond... James Bond. Now I'm in movies... *bad* movies.

Webster: This is a small town. We take care of our people.
The Master: I don't think the lady wants you to take care of her.
Crow T. Robot: [as the Master] That's why the lady is a tramp.
Webster: Hey, you got a hearing problem, old man?
The Master: My hearing is excellent.
Joel Robinson: [as the Master] Because I have the Whisper 2000.

Tom Servo: You negated me!
Crow T. Robot: No, I didn't!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Brute Man (#8.2)" (1996)
Crow T. Robot: Et Tu, Brute Man?

Mr. Haskins: I know! So he's The Creeper. Well you just creep along with that -I mean, hurry up with that stuff! And then get back and do the rest of your work
Crow T. Robot: Dear God! I hate you! I hope you die!

[Mr. Haskins looks the front page of a newspaper]
Crow T. Robot: God is Dead? GOOD!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Incredible Melting Man (#8.4)" (1996)
Crow T. Robot: [amused] How many monsters movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can.

Crow T. Robot: He threw HIMSELF up!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes (#2.5)" (1989)
Minister: ...til death do you part?
Bride: I do.
[she collapses]
Crow T. Robot: Nice dive.
Tom Servo: You may now bury the bride.

[Fake wedding begins. Tom and Crow start to sob]
Joel Hodgson: Hey, come on. It's not a real wedding, you guys. Don't cry.
Crow T. Robot: We know. It's the script that's upsetting us.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teen-Age Strangler (#6.14)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: [referring to the car crash sound effects] Ha! He crashed, then shot himself.

Crow T. Robot: [killer pulls Ann down behind a fence to choke her to death] Splender In The Grass 2: Dream Warrior!
Tom Servo: [Betty screams] Hey, Would you keep it down? I'm trying to strangle someone here!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the Giant Leeches (#5.6)" (1992)
Unga Khan: Call out the imperial guard!
Crow T. Robot: And kill the dorky guy! I hate comic relief!

Crow T. Robot: This looks like the right side of the wrong side of the tracks.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town (#7.1)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: Why does it burn when I P and Q?

Crow T. Robot: I'm epiphanying like crazy here. I gotta sit down.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Monster (#2.7)" (1989)
Crow T. Robot: Meanwhile, back at the Cody Institute for Scientists Who Get Pummeled...

Crow T. Robot: In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Rebel Set (#5.19)" (1992)
Joel: As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... "
Tom Servo: Booooo-ring! Boring!
Joel: Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!
Magic Voice: Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, c'mon!
Joel: Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?
Joel: Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
Joel: [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
Joel: [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."
Joel: 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."
Tom Servo: The horror, the horror.

Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"
[the bots scream in terror]
Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Creeping Terror (#7.6)" (1994)
Mike Nelson: Oh come on. I think we can be in a coffeehouse without becoming pretentious.
Tom Servo: Sure, don't worry Mike. We'll just sit here and prove 'em wrong.
Crow T. Robot: I don't feel a thing.
Gypsy: Yeah it's definitely not working.
Crow T. Robot: [after pause] I've been recording my life in pastels!
Tom Servo: The only question is "What have I been going through right now?"
Gypsy: You, the white male, are my personal oppressor!

Narrator: Now Bradford made a drastic move.
Crow T. Robot: He GESTURED.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Space Children (#10.6)" (1998)
Dr. Wahrman: A few minutes ago, in front of the powerhouse; I saw something incredible, unbelievable...
Crow T. Robot: A gibbon making flan!

Crow: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Warrior of the Lost World (#6.1)" (1993)
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Attica! Attica! Attica!

[a close-up shot of the motorcycle]
Crow T. Robot: Oh, so he's a Shriner. See? He's got a shotgun that shoots candy.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Terror from the Year 5000 (#9.7)" (1997)
Mike Nelson: [character in the movie walks by a man trying in vain to hide] Hey, Dave.
Crow: I am not Dave! I am a simple fern!

Mike Nelson: This here is the kind of texture that other movies leave out.
Crow: Yeah, those other movies are often referred to as "good" movies.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Violent Years (#7.10)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: Pajamas, jazz, and communism. This is WILD.

Crow T. Robot: She died as she lived, failing algebra.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Racket Girls (#7.16)" (1994)
[the camera zooms in on a female character with a pensive look on her face. Mike and the Bots start making gunfire and explosion noises]
Crow T. Robot: Marines, we are leaving!
[camera cuts back]
Mike Nelson: Sorry, I was back in Da Nang there.

Crow T. Robot: I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Lives by Night (#11.10)" (1999)
[upon seeing the title, "IT Lives By Night"]
Crow: Well, IT shouldn't drink so much coffee.

Crow: [Now a bat, Cathy goes to join her husband] Now wait a minute, how did she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was at the hotel and...
[long, horrified pause]
Crow: OH. MY. GOD.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Devil Fish (#10.11)" (1998)
Crow T. Robot: At least the poor editing covers up how badly it was shot.
Tom Servo: It's the movie's way of saying: "You don't need to concern yourself with this!"

Dr. Bob Hogan: He'd sit on his mother's head if he had something to gain by it.
Crow T. Robot: Hot image, Bob.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (#8.3)" (1996)
Crow T. Robot: [after detecting a slight British accent by the two cast members] Let's see how long these accents last!

[Deathstalker, the smug and loathsome hero, is preparing to leave the people]
Deathstalker: You once told me it's not easy being a princess.
Crow T. Robot: [as princess] Sure did. Bye!
Deathstalker: It's not easy being a hero, either.
Tom Servo: Never before has an entire medieval city thrown up at the same moment.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 to the Moon (#6.24)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: Whoo, exploding urinal cakes.

Crow T. Robot: Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (#1.5)" (1988)
[the episode opens with Crow in a cryogenic chamber]
Crow T. Robot: Hi, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. Say, uh, Tom, what's with the Crow-in-the-box?
Joel: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's temperature down to absolute zero! Woohoo!
Crow T. Robot: Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It could start a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Joel: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on a pair of thermal gloves and opens the cryogenic chamber]
Crow T. Robot: Hang on, Crow! Don't worry! I got ya!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and Crow shatters]
Joel: Good one, Joel!
Crow T. Robot: Oops. We'll be right back.
Joel: I'm not putting him back together, either.

Crow T. Robot: Anyway, a lot of people have recognized that this first Gameron film is in black and white and since there's been so much controversy over Ted Turner colorizing all those classic MGM movies, I thought it'd be time to do a popular opinion survey. Use your phones: call us at 623-7655. And now, Cambot, could you put the messages up on the screen? Or the quiz questions? First quiz question is: Is Ted Turner dumb enough to colorize the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Call in with your answer!
Crow T. Robot: Right. Question number two: Does it bother Ted Turner that people watch his colorized films on black and white TV?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let us know what you think!
Crow T. Robot: Question number three: Given Ted's obsession with colorizing things, is it possible he's the unwanted love child of Ike and Tina Turner?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Give us a call! Tell us your answer.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah (#6.6)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: [as Eegah hears Tim's song in the distance.] I've heard enough. I'll go beat him senseless.

Tom Servo: Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have been known to work. And then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow T. Robot: I remember that. All of us together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time, like Moses and the Israelites.
Tom Servo: Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow T. Robot: [imitating Goliath] Gee Davey, do you think it was... God?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Amazing Colossal Man (#4.9)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
Glen Manning: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second.
[picks up a cow and eats it]
Glen Manning: You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in...
Tom Servo: Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!
Glen Manning: You think I'm a freak, don't you!
[grab and rocks the sattelite]
Tom Servo: Uh-oh.
Crow T. Robot: Way to go Servo!
Joel Robinson: Oh, everyone hold on to something!
Glen Manning: That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha!

[after 50-foot tall Glenn Manning storms out of a picnic with his fiancée, Dr. Linstrom somehow appears next to her]
Crow T. Robot: Have you seen Glenn?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Bride of the Monster (#5.23)" (1993)
[upon seeing the title of the short 'Hired']
Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?
Crow T. Robot: That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.
Tom Servo: The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'

Capt. Robbins: You men surround the house!
Crow T. Robot: All two of you!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Bloodlust! (#7.7)" (1994)
Tom Servo: Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!
Crow T. Robot: I did it!
Tom Servo, Gypsy, Mike Nelson: Crow!

Crow T. Robot: You know, it'd be ironic if the Tree of Death got Dutch Elm's Disease.
Tom Servo: Yeah, the Stump of Death just doesn't have the same ring to it.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manhunt in Space (#5.13)" (1992)
[Joel and Crow are discussing color vs. black and white.]
Joel Robinson: And what do you think, Tom Servo?
Tom Servo: Um, about what?
Joel Robinson: About how some of our movies are in color and some are in black and white.
Tom Servo: I'm not sure I understand the question.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, come on! Movie A: color. Movie B: black and white.
Tom Servo: Look, we can't all notice the same subtleties!
Crow T. Robot: Subtleties? Why, I...
Joel Robinson: Hold on, Crow. Tom, what color is my jumpsuit?
Tom Servo: Red.
Joel Robinson: And what color is Crow?
Tom Servo: Red.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in five, four, three, two. What color is Dr. Forrester?
Tom Servo: Red. What about it?
Joel Robinson: We'll be right back. I think I see what the problem is.

Reggie: There's a million to one chance we'll ever be seen.
Crow T. Robot: Oh. They must be on Comedy Central.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Revenge of the Creature (#9.1)" (1997)
Lou Gibson: Pull the pin Lucas.
Crow T. Robot: No don't pull the pin, he'll blow up!

[the Gill Man is being revived]
Crow T. Robot: Just flush him!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sidehackers (#3.2)" (1990)
Joel: Well, you guys gotta understand, it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few?
Tom Servo: Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing...
Crow T. Robot: And, uh, computations, and Australian rules football.
Joel: Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, a rudimentary interest factor?
Tom Servo: A sense of fair play?
Crow T. Robot: A small measure of self-esteem?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Joel: Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it! So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage.
Crow T. Robot: [footage plays, the next lines are voice over] It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a Teenage Coed Prison!
Tom Servo: Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous Yank Me Crank Me!
Joel: That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the Swirly - Oh no, could that have been the Gunkout, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Thanks, Joel. I think that was more of a Spinning Love Funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College...
Tom Servo: Oh my goodness, it's a lineback, a slowburn and a hop, skip and a gold flame with a Fintoozler and an Itchy Gorilla! AN ITCHY GORILLA!
Joel: Uh oh, here comes the Big Blue Flamer, followed by Teatime Richard Scarry, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just Plain Stupid!
Crow T. Robot: It's an exciting day, indeed, here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park, but - what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Riley attempting the Teenage Wasteland on the hey-de-hi-de-ho side of the track?
Tom Servo: From the darker side of the street come the Cap Snaffler, Maynard and Eleanor, Casey's Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine!
Joel: Meet you on the dark side of the moon, it's the Ghostly Trio, followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate!
Crow T. Robot: Uh-oh, hold onto your epidermis! It's Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied Leaky Cheese!
Tom Servo: Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Bad Man and the Costumed Critters of Death are going crinkle-cut and somebody's got to pay... but, uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man and Joe screaming "Hey world, check me out!"
Joel: Hand me a Hoover, it's Raspberry Commie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a Butterscotch Push with a Frontie-frontie-frontie!
Crow T. Robot: Ho ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk in their Fintoozler? There's Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl in the George Barris custom show rod, bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy Tune on the side!
Tom Servo: I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen - Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God Your Helmet Smells Good...
Joel: Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the Sidehacking Clown, performing his famous Tension Envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cuz remember, kids, he who smelt it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper!
Crow T. Robot: Well, it's been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucies and a Woozle whose name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit.

Crow T. Robot: [as a somber looking Rommel sulks around, following a missing reel in which his girlfriend is brutally raped and murdered] For those of you wondering at home, Rita is dead.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Barugon (#4.4)" (1991)
[Keisuke checks the dead Kawajiri's pockets and finds a photo of a woman and child]
Crow T. Robot: Hey, that's MY family!

[a boat sails past the camera]
Joel Robinson: Hey, it's "Funny Girl" and there's Barbara Streisand.
[a second boat sails by]
Crow T. Robot: McHale!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Radar Secret Service (#6.20)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: It's probably that nosy Mrs. Kravitz.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teenagers from Outer Space (#5.4)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: You know Joel, that old grandpa guy sure was nice to the teenager from outer space by letting him stay in the apartment without having him pay a rent until he got work. A real life Landlord would never do that.
Tom Servo: Why yes, things that happen in the movies are different from what happens in real life.
Joel: Right tom, so from our "Look at the Lighter Side Department," we'd like to introduce a new segment called Reel to Real. Check it out, move aside, guys. In reel life...
Tom Servo: You are offered free room and board until you can pay off your rent.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: If your are late with one payment, your room is padlocked, and you end up living in a refridgerator box.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your roomate is a beautiful woman, who fills your life with afternoon swims, moonlit drives, and the promise of romance.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your roomate is a stinky high school dropout, who fills your life with lice, crusty socks, and burnt cans of spaghettio's.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your landlord is a rosy-cheeked, cheerful old man.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your landlord is a butane addict, who sneaks into your room, and searches through your underwear drawer.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Holocaust (#2.10)" (1990)
Crow: In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: High School Big Shot (#7.18)" (1994)
[the title "High School Big Shot" appears accompanied by a flair of dramatic music]
Crow T. Robot: Big deal, so the big shot's in band.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invaders from the Deep (#1.1)" (1988)
[as the Stingray descends into the murkiest depths of the ocean floor]
Crow T. Robot: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of a abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Green Slime (#1.0)" (1988)
[during a host segment]
Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of the life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the the Eye Creatures (#5.18)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: [over a close-up of an actor resembling Malcolm McDowell] Malcolm McDowell in 'O Yucky Man!'

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja I (#4.22)" (1992)
[two cars are shown "jumping" down a hill]
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: FLUBBER! FLUBBER!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: San Francisco International (#7.14)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: Come on, kid, get your act together. Just read Catcher in the Rye and deal with it.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teenage Caveman (#4.15)" (1991)
[watching the grotesquely inhumane short "Catching Trouble"]
Crow T. Robot: Joel, do people do this on Earth?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong?
Joel: Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now.
[Joel turns to the viewers at home]
Joel: We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Unchained (#5.8)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson, Tom Servo: Attica! Attica! Attica!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Parts: The Clonus Horror (#9.11)" (1997)
Crow T. Robot: [as the clones happily, albeit sluggishly begin biking] Let's go film tampon commercials everybody!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back (#7.3)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: Dial M for Mundane.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Squirm (#11.12)" (1999)
Mike Nelson: Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Crow T. Robot: Roger.
Tom Servo: Ramjet.
Mike Nelson: Fire extinguisher?
Tom Servo: Empty.
Crow T. Robot: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: Okay. Flare gun?
Tom Servo: Did it.
Crow T. Robot: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: First aid kit?
Tom Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike Nelson: Right. Parachute?
Crow T. Robot: Gym class.
Mike Nelson: Life vest?
Tom Servo: Faulty.
Mike Nelson: Ham radio?
Crow T. Robot: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike Nelson: There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?
Tom Servo: Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.
Mike Nelson: Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back
Crow T. Robot: Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.
Tom Servo: Weeee.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (#3.13)" (1991)
Joel: You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, no.
Joel: Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right?
Tom Servo: Uh, huh.
Joel: Leave it at that.
Crow T. Robot: Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today.
Tom Servo: Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner.
[both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield]
Tom Servo: Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa!
Mothra: Hi, kids. What can I do for ya?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater!
Tom Servo: Yikes!
Mothra: Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me.
Crow T. Robot: We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning?
Mothra: Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you really lay eggs?
Mothra: Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic?
Tom Servo: I'll bite... I don't know.
Mothra: The Titanic had entertainment.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye (#2.1)" (1989)
Crow T. Robot: Joel, I think we've already spent more time examining this plot than the writers ever did.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time of the Apes (#4.6)" (1991)
Crow T. Robot: [a piece of wood falls into the river and the children look concerned] "No! My piece of wood! It died so that we might live."

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Godzilla vs. Megalon (#3.12)" (1991)
Crow T. Robot: He's got a tree. He's got a tree. This isn't the Godzilla we know.
Joel: Hertz, don't it?
Tom Servo: A tree? That's not like you. Why, Godzilla? Why?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Undead (#9.6)" (1997)
[as they exit the theater]
Mike Nelson: I thought this movie was supposed to be about an old woman and her driver?
Tom Servo: The "not-even-better-than-killing-yourself" movie of the summer!
Crow T. Robot: STAY!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Night of the Blood Beast (#8.1)" (1996)
Crow T. Robot: It's hard to trust anyone not named Steve, eh?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Escape 2000 (#8.5)" (1996)
Crow T. Robot: Never use a trampoline with unstable TNT in your pocket.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Swamp Diamonds (#6.3)" (1993)
Crow T. Robot: This must be 'Children of Paradise' all of a sudden.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Atomic Brain (#6.18)" (1993)
Mike Nelson: Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?
Tom Servo: Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, why get them involved.
Mike Nelson: I mean I think we should just call the Mads.
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester is exercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.
TV's Frank: [Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!
[Mike and the bots look shocked]
Dr. Forrester: You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.
TV's Frank: I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.
Dr. Forrester: Well I shouldn't.
[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]
Dr. Forrester: Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!
[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]
Mike Nelson: So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Indestructible Man (#5.9)" (1992)
Tom Servo: [as the police are splashing around the sewers beneath Los Angeles] Eccch, don't even *ask*.
Crow T. Robot: You know, think of all the burritos they sell in this town.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teen-Age Crime Wave (#6.22)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: [during teenage crime wave] Go ahead, let it out. Have a teenage cry wave

"Futurama: Raging Bender (#2.12)" (2000)
[Fry, Bender and Leela are sihouetted against a movie screen, a la _"Mystery Science Theater 3000"]
Fry: [sarcastic] Oh, this is REALLY futuristic.
[Camera pans to reveal Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, also silhouetted]
Crow T. Robot: Shhhh. No talking during the movie.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Guiron (#4.12)" (1991)
Crow T. Robot: You mean now now or later now?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sword and the Dragon (#7.17)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: Dragon Slayer 2: The Uncalled For.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Operation Double 007 (#6.8)" (1993)
Mr. Thai: [talking about the plan] All metals will be instantly affected.
Crow T. Robot: [like Dr. Strangelove] Animals will be bred and *slaughtered*!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Shorts Volume 3 (1999) (V)
Crow T. Robot: [Mary blows off some "angel dust" Wilbur placed on the phone] Honey, your cocaine is all over the phone.

Assignment: Venezuela and Other Shorts (2000) (V)
['Spring Fever'; the man bends over to place his ball on a tee]
Crow: Rip. Tear. Expose. Horrify friends.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Killer Shrews (#5.7)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Killer shrew, killer shrew / Don't know the difference 'tween me and you / He comes out at night to give you a fright / Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite / Killer shrew, killer shrew / K-I-double-L-E-R shrew / He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough / He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff / Killer shrew, killer shrew / He's coming to your town to get you!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Hand (#2.6)" (1989)
Tom Servo: [during the crawling hand] Gotta hand it to him.
Crow T. Robot: He went out on a limb with that one.
Joel: Thank goodness he brought that freezer wrap.
Tom Servo: Actually I think it's a handbag.
[Crow and Joel groan]

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Daddy-O (#4.7)" (1991)
Crow T. Robot: [as Sidney casually gets into his car to chase after Sonny] You see, it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him. My son's the editor.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Code Name: Diamond Head (#7.8)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: Now back to Code Name: Diamond Head, starring... that one guy.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Shorts (1998) (V)
[in "Why Study Industrial Arts?"]
Joel Robinson: You know, I like the feel of a board moving moving slowly against the cutter...
Mike Nelson: Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.
Joel Robinson: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and saw dust...
Crow T. Robot: I put them in my underwear... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: The bright glare of a welder...
Tom Servo: I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.
Joel Robinson: The sharp whine of a power tool...
Mike Nelson: The piercing scream of a freshman.
Joel Robinson: Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Tom Servo: Tap, tap tap, I keep Popular Mechanix under my mattress! Ha ha ha!
Joel Robinson: A saw...
Crow T. Robot: Building a chafe with no pants... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: A wrench...
Mike Nelson: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago. It's *over*!
Joel Robinson: A plane...
Tom Servo: These tools are my friends!
Joel Robinson: Or a chisel.
Crow T. Robot: What about *girls*, young man, *girls*?
Tom Servo: Nope. Chisels.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Monster A-Go Go (#5.21)" (1993)
[after reading producer and director credits for Bill Rebane]
Crow T. Robot: Hey, what a coincidence: there are two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh-heh, y'know, 'cause you see, with the, and the, the guys that...
[taking a breath of resignation]
Crow T. Robot: This is gonna suck.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Mad Monster (#2.3)" (1989)
Hank: [from Commando Cody short] What did you find out about the ray guns?
Crow: Ron and Nancy?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Tormented (#5.14)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: Honey, I'm ho... oh yeah, you're dead.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Zombie Nightmare (#7.4)" (1994)
Crow T. Robot: [as Adam West, frustrated, picks up a telephone] Hello? 1-900-SPANK ME?