Quotes for
Crow T. Robot (Character)
from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

Joe: You know what my kids would say?
Crow T. Robot: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER?

[as Cal and Joe assemble the Interositor]
Crow T. Robot: Science and Industry!
Tom Servo: See big men sticking screw drivers into things - turning them - AND ADJUSTING THEM!
Crow T. Robot: Build your very own Atom Storage Box!
Mike: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!
Crow T. Robot: Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes - and it really, really works.

Crow T. Robot: Into the weenie mobile, weenie man away!

Crow T. Robot: Puppet wranglers? There weren't any puppets in this movie.

Crow T. Robot: Hey! Who sneezed on the credits?

Crow T. Robot: Man, the universe is really cruisin'.
Tom Servo: Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull.
Mike: And right underneath him the constellation feces.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, look, Orion's broke.

Crow T. Robot: They're forcing him to visit Branson, Missouri.

[Everyone is being sucked into the vacuum of space]
Crow T. Robot: Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks! Ah, here it is. "Breach Hull - All Die." Even had it underlined.

Cal Meecham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow T. Robot: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around!

[Inside the environmental tubes]
Crow T. Robot: Wow this must be what its like inside a bong! Whehue!

[after breaching the hull in an escape attempt]
Crow T. Robot: Well believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid... and I went ahead anyway.

Crow T. Robot: He's flown into a Flemish painting.

Dr. Clayton Forrester: Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me recently.
Mike: Sure we have - last week.
Dr. Clayton Forrester: No, no, no, I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down now?
Mike: I don't see any reason to make us...
[suddenly kneels, choking]
Crow T. Robot: [scared] Bowing, sir!
[Tom bows and prays to Dr. Forrester, speaking in tongues]

Crow T. Robot: [gazing at the stars] I feel so insignificant... then again, I ALWAYS feel insignificant.

Exeter: Now place your hands above the rail
[hands suddenly attach to the rail]
Exeter: ... they're magnetized.
Crow T. Robot: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

Crow T. Robot: C'mon! Give Uncle Scrotor a hug!

Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.
Crow T. Robot: They're very into Yes on this planet.

Crow T. Robot: [as ship descends into fantastic Metaluna landscape] Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet!
Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.
Crow T. Robot: They're very into "Yes" on this planet.
Tom Servo: Hee hee!
Mike: International flights always get the gate furthest from the terminal.
Tom Servo: Remember, we're parked in the "Denubrian Slime Devil" lot!

Cal Meecham: [after German scientist comments on Mozart at dinner] What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the chap.
Tom Servo: "I'm not an alien!"
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Cal Meecham: *Our* composer - he belongs to the world!
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike: "I'm not an alien."
Cal Meecham: That dinner, Exeter, was even more perfect than you promised. Now if you'll excuse me, I could do with some fresh air myself.
Crow T. Robot: He's gonna get high!
Cal Meecham: Would you care to join me, Dr. Adams?
Tom Servo: "Uh, no!"
Cal Meecham: You, Dr. Carlson?
Mike: "Your turn to walk the Cal."
Exeter: Why don't you? Show him the grounds.
Crow T. Robot: "I dare ya!"
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meecham until tomorrow.
Tom Servo: "Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest! But I'm *not* an alien!"

[after Mike damages the Hubble]
Crow T. Robot: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Tom Servo: Don't *do* that!

Exeter: They're concentrating all their attention on Metaluna. Those flashes of light - they're meteors. Hundreds of them! The intense heat is turning Metaluna into a radioactive sun. The temperature must be thousands of degrees by now.
Crow T. Robot: Cooler by the lake.
Exeter: A lifeless planet. And yet...
Tom Servo: Rents are reasonable!
Exeter: Yet, still serving a useful purpose, I hope. Yes... a sun, warming the surface of some other world - giving light to those who may need it.
Mike: "Still, your whole family died. That's a bummer, huh?"

Crow T. Robot: [as Joe comes down the stairs] This is a job for "Weenie man!"

Crow T. Robot: [as Ruth] Oh, Carl.
Tom Servo: [as Cal] Er, Cal.
Crow T. Robot: [as Ruth] Oh, Cal.

Mike: Geez, Dr. Forrester!
Crow T. Robot: What a dickweed!

Crow T. Robot: The secret government Eggo Project!

[one of the aliens is firing on the humans]
Crow T. Robot: Eat my photons, small heads!

Carl Meecham: Relocation? To where?
The Monitor: To your Earth.
Exeter: A PEACEFUL relocation...
Crow T. Robot: After the genocide, of course.

Crow T. Robot: Don't leave me with the Germans!

[as Brack watches the interositer]
Crow T. Robot: and now it's time for The Brack Show! Da da da-da-da DA! It's the Brack show! Staring me, I'm Brack!

Crow T. Robot: Shall I compare thee to a summers daaaaaaaa...

[as Exeter's flying saucer catches fire]
Crow T. Robot: "Service engine soon" I wonder what that's all about.

Crow T. Robot: You killed the Hubble!

Crow T. Robot: Oh, my god! My waffle! Oh the humanity!

Crow T. Robot: G.I. Joe action set. Nerdy Joe not included.

Crow T. Robot: [as Cal beats a MutAnt in the head] Oh, I'm very vulnerable there! Oh, there go the piano lessons! I can't remember my dad!

Crow T. Robot: I'm gonna curl up in his sock drawer, and sleep for days.

[as Joe is talking, Cal ruffels through his desk]
Crow T. Robot: Where's my gun?

Crow T. Robot: [on the Mu-tant] Nuts! It's Ted Kennedy in a Barney suit!

Crow T. Robot, Mike, Tom Servo: NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIIEEEEW!

Crow T. Robot: [as a crewman pushes a lever] This oughta kill them!

[Cal and Joe are looking in an interositer catalog]
Joe Wilson: Here's something my wife could use in the house...
Crow T. Robot: A man?
Joe Wilson: ...an interositer incorporating an electron sorter.
Cal Meecham: She'll probably gain twenty pounds while it does all the work for her.
Tom Servo: Cal, you bitch!

Dr. Cal Meecham: "Complete line of iterociter parts, incorporating greater advances than hitherto known in the field of electronics." What exactly is an iterociter?
Joe Wilson: I don't know, and I don't want to know.
Crow T. Robot: Just love me!

Dr. Cal Meecham: This isn't paper. It's some kind of metal.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, no, that's paper, sir.

Crow T. Robot: [Bashing jauntily at the hull with a pickaxe, singing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"] Goodbye to Noah Beery, Hello Harold Lloyyyyd...

Crow T. Robot: [in a scene where the brain creature enters a room looking all around] Uh, is the manager here? Hello?

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hobgoblins (#10.7)" (1998)

Crow: People and Robots Who've Had to Watch Hobgoblins Crisis Hotline! Hello?
Bobo: Oh, oh. Yes. Hello. I'm in a deep crisis which is very, very deep. And I need to know that you won't hang up on me like all those other crisis hotlines.
Crow: Ah, have no fear. I can handle anything! Um, it is related to watching the movie Hobgoblins, right?
Bobo: Oh, oh, oh! Yes, of course it relates to watching the movie Hobgoblins. That's why I called. Anyway, one day I was watching the movie Hobgoblins one day, when I realized, while watching the movie Hobgoblins, that I was in love with a woman very close to me... A woman not of my species.
Crow: Uck, uck, uck! That is disgusting! Ew, I need a shower now. Yuck!
Bobo: Ah! Wait, don't hang up! I need her! Though she can be very mean to me, I'm obsessed with her. I want her in every way. Emotionally, spiritually, physically...
Crow: Yuck! Stop telling me this, you freak! I'm gonna be sick all over the place!
Tom Servo: Hang up.
Crow: Um, I have another call... See ya.
Tom Servo: Hang up!
Bobo: No! I'll die without her! She's a chimpanzee and her name is Emily. And I don't care if anyone... Hello? Oh, rats. Another hang-up. Well, let's see who's next on the list. Butterball... Turkey... Hotline.

Crow: [looking at the short, very fuzzy Hobgoblin] It's a bonsai Bigfoot.

Daphne: [to Wang Chung's 'Everybody Have Fun Tonight'] Everybody have sex tonight!
Tom Servo: Everybody throw up tonight!
Crow: Ironically no-one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night!

Crow: [as Kevin is being attacked by a hobgoblin] Really, the worst that would happen is one of those little plastic eyes would fall out and you'd choke on it.

Crow: [after Kevin flips over the lowlife] Now, come on, that move really requires the cooperation of the flip-ee.

Crow: She's made her decision and they're going ahead with the sex!

Crow: Slutting's fun, isn't it?

Crow: Hey, it's a common man with his common van.

Crow: [as Kevin arrives at his house] Ah-hah! And what brisk witticism will this chappie have to offer?

Daphne: [During the long, infamous rake-fight] Go, Nick, kick his butt!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, give him a big, rusty gash in his head, c'mon!
Crow: Can we have a law that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?
Tom Servo: [about Daphne] Is that a condom she has hanging from her blouse?
Daphne: I'm getting so sweaty already!
Mike Nelson: So we sent our armies to the Gulf War with garden shovels and grass rollers?
Crow: Their garden tools make little Casio sounds!
Daphne: Yeah, go for it!
Tom Servo: Yeah, really, really kill him! Please!
Mike Nelson: You know, I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.
Crow: Throw some Miracle-Gro in his eyes!
Tom Servo: [Impersonating Nick] I'm gonna compost you, man...
Mike Nelson: [yawns] All the tension. Will they water their lawn?
Tom Servo: ...wow...
Crow: ...ever?... I'll bet Nick can also field strip his rake blindfolded.
Tom Servo: This movie's making me nostalgic for the film 'Gymkata.'
Mike Nelson: Oh, it just happened, did you see that? The hose out-acted them.
Crow: Yeah... Yeah I saw! Did you know that Nick went on to play... Pong in his underwear while drinking beer?
Tom Servo: Hey, hooray! You ruptured his spleen, yay!
Mike Nelson: Now, I'm gonna remove your thatch.
Tom Servo: [Impersonating Kyle] Don't let them hurt my red shorts, please.
Tom Servo: Wow, yeah.
Mike Nelson: I could watch this forever.
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: Do you have a feeling I probably will be?

Crow: Oh, Nick's in the French Army, I see.

Tom Servo: Well, I'm sorry Mike.
Mike Nelson: Well there, you just did it again.
Tom Servo: What! Oh, gah, gee!
Mike Nelson: Hi everyone and welcome to the satelitte of love, Servo and I were just talking...
Tom Servo: - look, I didn't mean to turn you on, and I'm really sorry!
Mike Nelson: Uh, well, you know, ever since Robert Palmer introduced the concept of accidental turn-ons, in his song 'I didn't mean to turn you on' well, there's been a lot of involuntery on-turning around here.
Crow: Hey there guys, whats up?
Tom Servo: Gah, Crow!
Crow: Ohh, I'm sorry, did I turn you on again?
Tom Servo: Yes, you know you did!
Crow: Oh, I am sorry, I tried not to turn you on, but I guess I unintentionally did.
Mike Nelson: You know, lets all try to be a little more careful about turning each other on, okay. And you folks at home, be a little more careful, don't involunterily turn anyone on, okay, we'll be right back.
Tom Servo: Ah, Oh Mike!
Crow: Mike, Geez, Gah!
Mike Nelson: Did I turn you on? I didn't mean to, look at me, how did I turn you on, I'm just standing here, how did I turn you on?

Crow: [sighs] Now, now, there, there, you did so mean to turn me on that time!
Tom Servo: [sighs] Okay, I admit it, I turned you on on purpose, o-kaay, cause I was upset and I turned you on, so biiiig deal!
Mike Nelson: Well now you just turned me on, can't you do anything without turning people on? It's just... I can't
Tom Servo: Oh that's nice, coming from you, after you turned me...
Pearl Forrester: Yooou couldn't turn me on if you had a dozen naked Gerato's and Fabio in tight leather pants.
[Goes all breathless and looks turned on]
Pearl Forrester: Ah ah, aaah, um... where-where was I? Oh, right, I'm remodeling the Great Hall, I'm putting in a conversation pit and the couch I had picked out for it came in early, so I need you guys to store it for me. Brain Guy!
Brain Guy: Yes Madam.
[Teleports couch to Mike and the 'bots]
Pearl Forrester: And no jumping on the couch!
[Cuts to Mike and the bots jumping on the couch]
Crow: Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeee, watch you guys I'm gonna do something cool. You can see my legs, you can see my legs!
Tom Servo: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks Grandma Pearl!
[Laughs]
Mike Nelson: Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Woo Hoo! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Laughs]
Pearl Forrester: Grandma Pearl does not want you jumping on that couch! Get off, right now! Don't, don't squeeze those juice boxes on that couch!
[Cuts to the guys jumping, laughing and squeezing juice all over the couch]
Pearl Forrester: Oh, we can't have nice things! That's it, that is it! I am going to give you such a movie!
Crow: Crow, Servo and Mike, together: We don't care!
Pearl Forrester: Bobo. Brain Guy. Get the movie.
Brain Guy: Huh, no!
[Bobo shrieks]
Brain Guy: [the guys stop laughing and look scared]
Pearl Forrester: [Putting gloves on] We have ways of dealing with ne'er-do-wells, who insist on jumping on our rent-to-own couches. Your movie...
[Bobo runs up the the camera and shrieks again]
Pearl Forrester: ... is called...
[Removes a film reel from a chest]
Pearl Forrester: ... Hobgoblins!
[Bobo shrieks again]
Mike Nelson: Pearl, please, whatever you're thinking, please don't!
[the guys start shouting apologies, and then the movie sign alerts]

Crow: So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.
Mike Nelson: Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

[after finishing the abysmal "Hobgoblins"]
Crow: So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.
Mike Nelson: Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

Crow: Can we agree that from now on, films have to be made by FILMMAKERS?

McCreedy: Hello, Mr. Comstock? Yes, I realize what time it is. I'm sorry to wake you, but... there's been an accident at the studio.
Crow: We made "Hobgoblins".

[Nick has just burst into flames after trying to cover a grenade with its pin pulled]
Crow: My fajita plate was really hot and I touched it!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (#5.24)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: [the demon dog is staring at the camera] Could you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - woof.

Crow T. Robot: [the demon dog is staring at the camera] Could you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - 'Arf.

Joel: Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel: It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo: Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel: But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, the cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel: Oh, c'mon, look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Joel, Tom's right. It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel: What do you mean?
Crow T. Robot: Well, for one thing, your face is too friendly, and your eyebrows, they arc gently as opposed to jutting inward, and, well, frankly, Joel. you blush in the most adorable way.
Joel: This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.

Joel: So, it's Manos...
Crow T. Robot: ...the Hands of Fate?
Joel: Yes.

Crow T. Robot: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film, isn't it?
Joel: Oh, c'mon, the mads wouldn't do that to us. This is not going to be a snuff film, I guarantee you.

[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
Joel: Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow T. Robot: Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?

Crow T. Robot: [when Torgo appears one bit of music keeps playing over and over] Ahh, yes, the haunting Torgo theme.

[a child comes home leading a devil dog]
Crow T. Robot: It's a devil and it's fun!
Tom Servo: His names Mephisto, can we keep him?

Margret: Wants me? What kind of talk is that.
Crow T. Robot: Why, it's oily, sleazy talk of course.

Crow T. Robot: [Torgo has left the family's bags into the house] I LeFt a piEce of cHeWed uP GuM on yoUr pilLoW.

Crow T. Robot: [on Torgo] He's got Earl Campbell thighs.

Master's wife: Your powers fail you!
Crow T. Robot: You know what she's *really* saying.

Crow T. Robot: [the master leans over and touches a stone] Stephanie bring me in some coffee and a pop tart.

Crow T. Robot: [to Joel] Kick this butt.

[shot of a burning torch]
Crow T. Robot: I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave a pyre on for you.

Crow T. Robot: [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.
Joel: Let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful.

Crow T. Robot: [as Debbie, on the dog] His heartbeat's irregular!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Pumaman (#10.3)" (1998)

Vadihno: I did not have to kill to find you.
Crow: I kill for fun!

Crow: Yep, Donald "Room clearer" Pleasance.

Kobras: [who's played by Donald Pleasance] Comb the area! Find him!
Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb" right there.

Vadihno: My name is Vadihno.
Crow: I'm an onion.

Crow: [singing] Puma Man, he flies like a moron.

Crow: This always happens. People throw me out of the window, tell me I'm Puma Man, then leave.

[Vadihno hits the Puma Man]
Crow: Yes. The Aztec speaks for all of us.

Crow: Puma Man can tear through pure contact paper.

Vadinho: Each man is a God. Each man is free.
Crow: So if each man is a God, what does that make God?

[on the Puma Man]
Crow: At all times he has the look of a man who's been hit with a fish.

Mike Nelson: [on Puma man] Wool over his eyes man!
Crow: Easily bamboozled man!
Tom Servo: Three steps behind man!

Crow: You know I have almost no respect for pumas now? I now know that if I ever run into a puma I can just push it the hell over.

Vadihno: Man is free. Man is master of himself.
Crow: Man sounds cool.
Vadihno: But if they come, man is no longer free.
Tom Servo: Man can get pricey.

Kobras: Because you are made of earth...
Crow: [as Kobras] Corn grows in you.
Kobras: ...and to earth you shall return!
Mike Nelson: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

Villain: Everybody who goes there doesn't talk!
Crow: So nobody who DOESN'T go there doesn't NOT talk?

Vadihno: You were only a boy at the time.
Crow: Then you were a girl, then you were a boy again.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (#9.22)" (1997)

Crow: I seem to have died, is that a problem?

Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

[Raul Julia's face appears in a large cube]
Crow: It's a Raulbiks cube.

Appolonia James: Electrons don't dance, Fingal. They don't make love.
Crow: They're Lutherans.

Appolonia James: Can't lose you now.
Mike Nelson: The energy surge gave her a new hairdo.
Appolonia James: We never had a dance together.
Crow: Well, we never bought a muffler together either. What's the point?

Rick: It's up to you.
Fingal: It's okay, buddy, I can handle it.
Crow: And what is the 'it' which is to him 'up' and which he can perhaps handle?

Crow: You know you want me, baby!

Crow: [referring an item on Appolonia's Venus costume] Uhm, that's poison oak on your naughty bits, Ma'am.

Doctor: Okay, let's make this short.
Crow: Oh, why start now?

Appolonia James: We haven't even had a dance together.
Crow: You never bought a muffler together, either. What's the point?

Crow: You know what would have saved this movie? Surf music. Man, surf music makes *anything* good.

Fingal: Appolonia, where are you!
Crow: Gee, you think she might be sitting on her bony rear-end in that room with her hand to her ear?

Appolonia James: Come on, Fingal...
Tom Servo: Come on *what*?
Crow: You know, my apathy is palpable at this point.

Crow: So this is Public Television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time Chasers (#9.21)" (1997)

Nick: So, are you making dinner?
Lisa: Are you offering dinner?
Crow T. Robot: No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"

Crow T. Robot: [Nick opens the fridge, all that's in it is green goo in a bag] Loser status confirmed!
Tom Servo: Please... eat... me!

Crow T. Robot: No, this can't be the hero of the film, can it? Movie? Movie! Can I see your supervisor, movie, this will NOT stand!

Mike Nelson: [the hero is stuck in a tree] Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he's "like poo" all right.
Tom Servo: Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.

Crow: So, in the future kids become gay agents?

J.K. Robertson: [after getting out of the wreck] Ah, Nick...
Crow T. Robot: I have an aleron up my... well anyway.

Crow T. Robot: [as Nick bikes into the parking lot of a grocery stor] Maple Syrup 3 for a doll- oh, hell, take it! Take it, we've got so much of it!

Nick: [on the demo flight of the Time Transport] Now, the real reason I brought you up here today...
Crow T. Robot: [as Nick] ... to crash!

Crow T. Robot: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying!

[Nick has an enormous chin]
Crow T. Robot: Geez, did somebody tape a dinner roll to his chin?

Crow T. Robot: Remember when everybody got the "Nick Miller" haircut and went around wearing Castleton t-shirts?

Lisa: What's the use of a time machine for GenCorp?
Nick: I'll give you an example.
Crow T. Robot: You could send an egg into the future!
Nick: We could study the long-term effects we're having on our environment. We could, uh...
Mike Nelson: Send Bob Saget to meet Charlemagne.

[while Nick and Robertson are fighting in the plane, Nick is smashing Robertson's head into the airplane's dashboard]
Crow T. Robot: [said in time with the hits] *Check* your *flaps* be*fore* taking *off*!

[after Matt is fired]
Crow T. Robot: [as Nick] You had the misfortune of running into me. I'm a life-wrecking idiot!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Final Sacrifice (#10.10)" (1998)

Troy: Rowsdower, have you always been a...
Crow T. Robot: Hopeless drunk?
Troy: ...Drifter?
Rowsdower: No.
Troy: Well, what were you before?
Rowsdower: I was...
Mike Nelson: A Chippendale's dancer.

Satoris: Why don't you ask your friend when he arrives?
Crow T. Robot: Ha. The joke's on you. I don't have any friends.

Crow T. Robot: I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

[a black-hooded cultist arrives at a house]
Tom Servo: Tee-hee. Tee-hee!
Mike Nelson: His head is still factory-wrapped.
Crow: [snickering] Is he a door-to-door executioner?

[Troy is being chased by cultists with machetes]
Crow: We just wanna cut your sugar cane crop!

Crow: [the villian is praying] God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandpa, and all of my evil henchmen.

Tom Servo: [as Satoris] Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell, you SHOT me in the BUTT!
[Satoris starts burning]
Crow: So Mike, most humans, when you shoot 'em in the butt, they burst into flames?
Mike Nelson: Uh, I dunno.
Crow: Can we try it? Turn around.

Crow T. Robot: [seeing the company name Greidanus] He comes from a long line of great anuses.

Crow T. Robot: [sees snow in movie] Hooray! The movie's closed today because of snow.

Crow T. Robot: I can't wait til they start the internet.

Crow T. Robot: [as Troy] Man I'm 25! I hope I hit puberty soon.

Rowsdower: D'you have any idea what kind of people you're dealing with?
Crow: They're from Saskatchewan!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (#2.2)" (1989)

Crow: [about the film's villain] The only thing diabolical about this guy is his acting.

Crow: This is the kind of film you *won't* put on pause when you leave the room.
Tom Servo: It encourages you to go get a sandwich.
Crow: Kinda like TV repellent.

[the titular robot is revealed]
Crow: It's not so great, it doesn't have knees.

[the rocket flies towards the moon, however... ]
Crow: It sure is sunny in space.

Crow: Immolation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Joel: I didn't know Billy Barty was in this.
Crow: He's got a small part.

Crow: I looked up "anti-climax" in the dictionary and it said "See: Aztec Mummy."

Crow: And never darken this film again.

[a short serial episode is starting before the main movie]
Crow: There's always a boring short.
Tom Servo: My shorts are never boring.

Dr. Almada: The professor had given up his life to save ours.
Crow: And his career.

Crow: Once that robot gets into gear, you're really going to see him kick some Aztec.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Werewolf (#10.4)" (1998)

Mike Nelson: Pow-wow, the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west
Tom Servo, Crow, Mike Nelson: We will, we will, rock you!
Tom Servo, Crow, Mike Nelson: TUSK!
Tom Servo: So they ran through the briars, and they ran through the brambles, And they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go
Crow: Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We heard it from the people of the town!
Tom Servo, Crow, Mike Nelson: TUSK!
Mike Nelson: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, Ladee-yodel-ladee-yodel-la-hee-hoo!
Tom Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,Right down Santa Claus Lane!
Tom Servo, Crow, Mike Nelson: TUSK!
Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away, now! Give it away, give it away, give it away, now!
Mike Nelson: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, You've got a brand new key!
Tom Servo, Crow, Mike Nelson: TUSK!
Tom Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, He had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep
Crow: And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon!
Mike Nelson: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it
Tom Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble
Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, When I take you out in a surrey
Mike Nelson: We were merely freshmen!
Tom Servo, Crow, Mike Nelson: Oh, Suzanna, oh don't you cry for me, 'Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!
Tom Servo, Crow, Mike Nelson: TUSK!

Crow: I think Ray Liotta would make an okay werewolf.
Tom Servo: No, he smells like apples.

Crow: This is a strange remake of Jane Eyre.

Crow: You know, it's economical not to have a storyline, cause then you can just film people saying things.

[after the security guard/werewolf crashes his car]
Tom Servo: Did those oil barrels just leap out in front of him?
Crow: So, his plan is to rid the world of security guards by changing them into werewolves one by one and then having them crash their cars?
Mike Nelson: Well, uh, it seems to be working so far.

Natalie: Paul, that's not a scratch. It's a deep cut!
Crow: Speaking of "deep cuts", did this scene really need to be in the movie?

Natalie: So it all comes to this?
Tom Servo: The thing that it comes to?
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow: Yes, we is.

Crow: Paul! You is a wurr-wilf!

Crow: Well, so far the star power consists of Charlie Sheen's uncle.

Natalie: I'm not holding back anything!
Crow: Certainly not talent.

[Natalie drives Paul back to his house]
Crow: [as Natalie, flatly] Where you live is incredible.
Paul: So, here we are.
Mike Nelson: Mr. Smooth.
Paul: Would you like to come up for a drink?
Tom Servo: Oh, yeah! The one-two punch.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (#11.3)" (1999)

Grandpa: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow T. Robot: You are sick, old man.

Crow T. Robot: He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!

Crow T. Robot: [being Ernest Bornine who is narrating the story] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!

Crow T. Robot: See here's his problem, going around town dressed like that, asking women "Have you seen my little monkey?"

Pearl Forrester: Attention captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now, let's do it right so I can get to the real mad scientist stuff, like pulling the heads off monkeys.
Bobo: HEY!
Pearl Forrester: Oh don't even.
[reads note]
Pearl Forrester: Hmmm... Hehehe... Yes, good good good. This is a very good evil experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you, say Servo, is given complete power and control over the others...
Tom Servo: [dressed like a Nazi] Furthermore, all those violating marshal law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.
Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weakly] Hooray.
Tom Servo: And finnaly, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't kill you!
Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weaker] Hooray.
Pearl Forrester: ...The person in charge will undoubtedly become corrupt. So, take your person in charge and fill his underwear with fire ants.
Tom Servo: F-f-f-fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I relinquish my power to Mike! I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back!
Pearl Forrester: Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments.

Crow: See here's his problem, going around town dressed like that, asking women "Have you seen my little monkey?"

[the movie is starring Ernest Borgnine]
Crow T. Robot: The mystical wonder is that he's *in* a movie.

Crow T. Robot: [as Ernest Borgnine, as Sparkle the Dog is trapped in a burning garage] Remember the kitten, Billy. That was nothing compared to this.
Tom Servo: [as Billy] No...
Crow T. Robot: [as Borgnine] At least the kitten went quick, Billy.

Crow T. Robot: [as the toy monkey, when Michael accidentially knocks over the garbage can he was in] Dahhh! Man! I was next to an old coffee filter and a diaper! Whoo, thanks, kid.

Tom Servo: [on the SOL bridge] What are you doing there, Mikey-drawers?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: Oh, I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine's children's books based on the movie. I don't know, I thought it would be whimsical or something.
Crow T. Robot: Well, bring on the whimsy, man!
Mike Nelson: OK, well here's one called "Santa's Workshop of Shimmering Delights." That might be whimsical...
[reads]
Mike Nelson: Oh, man... Wow, well this isn't appropriate. Here, Aram the Elf's hands get scissored off in the sheet metal crimper.
Tom Servo: [whistles] Ooh, yeah, that's unsavory, all right.
Mike Nelson: Well, let's try this one. "Slow Bear's Woodland Picnic." How could that possibly...
[reads]
Mike Nelson: Wow! Holy cow! Slow Bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunk's head with a can of pork and beans!
Crow T. Robot: Wow! That Borgnine is dark, man!
Tom Servo: Hey, try "Fluffy Bunny's New Blue Suit."
Mike Nelson: Yeah, that sounds completely...
[reads]
Mike Nelson: Oh, my...
[looks like he's about to vomit]
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: What?
Crow T. Robot: [both he and Tom read and start to gag] AAAHHHH! THEY'RE EATING HIS LIVER! AAAAHHHH!
Mike Nelson: [thoroughly disgusted] That's it, these are all going ba-
[sees another]
Mike Nelson: Oh, now look at this one! "Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore!"
Tom Servo: Augh!
Crow T. Robot: Augh!
Mike Nelson: What is with this guy, man? This is-
[reads, looks puzzled]
Mike Nelson: Oh, this one seems fine.
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: What?
Mike Nelson: "In a little, cozy hole in the ground there lived eight plump mice."
Tom Servo: Yeah, whose eyes get poked out with upholstery needles!
Mike Nelson: No, they get little sweaters and live happily.
Crow T. Robot: Wow, weird.
Mike Nelson: We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: New sweaters, really?

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers (#4.1)" (1991)

Tom Servo: Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!
Crow T. Robot: I'll what?
Tom Servo: You'll show 'em.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? IT'S OG!
Joel: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Dr. Forrester, Frank: What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL!
Frank: Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly, Frank. Push the Button.
Frank: Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.
Dr. Forrester: Would you just push the button?
Frank: I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, he's been gonged.

Crow T. Robot: I think your cape is faaaabulouuuus!

Ator: I don't understand!
Crow T. Robot: We're not surprised.

Crow T. Robot: [as Ator's background is explained via an exceptionally detailed flashback] This is the part of the film we like to call, 'she had to ask.'

Joel: Uh-oh. The fog's starting to obscure the action.
Crow T. Robot: What action?

Joel: Wait, why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, because she's got an arrow in her chest.
Joel: Oh I can see... huh?

Crow T. Robot: [Ator's history is being told, complete with many random psuedomythic-sounding objects] Jeez, Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.

Tom Servo: Stately Wayne Manor...
Crow T. Robot: What's a Wayne Manor?
Joel: Oh that's where Batman lived before he became the Dark Knight in those comic books.
Tom Servo: They're not comic books, they're *graphic novels*.

Crow T. Robot: [referring to the snappy dressed Lord] I'm de best lookin' man in de middle ages! My! My! My!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Lost Continent (#3.8)" (1990)

Joel: That was the nineteen-fifty-one classic "Lost Continent". Interestingly enough, EP Robert Lippert found that he could extend the length of his film by adding meaningless, poorly contrived and blocked walking sequences, or in the case of today's film, mind-numbingly excessive mountain-climbing scenes. He called the device "padding" and as you know, padding has become a staple of movies ever since. Now this.
Tom Servo: Cesar Romero, whom many of you will recognize from the "Batman" TV series of the late sixties, and who was thought to be a spy, was originally to play the role that eventually went to Hugh Beaumont. Director Sam Newfield said, "Cesar just isn't bland enough." We'll be right back.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Director Newfeld, known nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork. Uh, we'll be right back.

Crow T. Robot: Ever fly one of these before?
Tom Servo: Nope.
Crow T. Robot: Neither have I.

Hugh Beaumont: Hello boys.
Joel: Hugh Beaumont?
Hugh Beaumont: Oh come on, call me 'Dad'.
Joel: Gee sir, I mean Dad, what are you doing here?
Hugh Beaumont: Well you see boys, I'm one of the four horsemen of the apoclalyse and I come bearing a message of unholy death.
Joel: Huh?
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, I'm really going to give you the business, destroy you, your world, and all that you know. But first, a stern talking-to. You know, you shouldn't be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you.
Crow T. Robot: Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick to judge others then, huh.
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, Crow.
Crow T. Robot: He bought it, what a jerk!

Crow T. Robot: Why do the violins always trill when he's climbing?

Crow T. Robot: Got a match?
Joel: Yeah, my butt, your face.

Tom Servo: Hey, does this movie have a continental breakfast?
Crow T. Robot: No, they lost the continental breakfast.

Crow T. Robot: It's the mother-loving rubber dinosaur of them all!

Tom Servo: Brain the size of a walnut.
Crow T. Robot: The dinosaur?
Tom Servo: No, the director.

Crow T. Robot: I'm going to ask this once again, and it's only for the sake of conversation, what do you think is the tastiest part of the human body?

Crow T. Robot: Get away! The stock footage is erupting.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion of the Neptune Men (#9.19)" (1997)

[we see a record player running backwards]
Crow: Paul is a dead man! Miss him! Miss him!

Crow T. Robot: To be dead... to be nothing... to watch "Neptune Men" no more...

Crow T. Robot: You know, maybe the Japanese didn't really know they were making a film per se. Maybe... maybe they thought there were working in a different medium. Like fabric sculpture, or something.

Tom Servo: Hey, you know, Space Chief should really try going up into SPACE sometime.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's more like "Lower Atmosphere Chief."
Mike Nelson: "Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief."

Crow T. Robot: [as the Neptune Man leader clenches his fists in anger] I WANT MY RECORD!

[At seeing a building with an image of Hitler on it blown up]
Crow: What? What!
Tom Servo: They blew up the Hitler building! Where's everybody gonna go to see Hitler memorabilia?
Crow: Oh, the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt shakers!
Mike Nelson: The basement! The bunker! It's gone, you son of a...
Crow: You blew it up!

Mike Nelson: You know, I wish the running would never stop. I mean it. I simply can't get enough shots of these kids running! Really! Literally, there is no limit to how much I wanna see of this!
Crow T. Robot: Just a little sarcastic, maybe, Mike?
Mike Nelson: Eh, just a touch, I guess.

Tom Servo: Oragami!
Mike Nelson: What?
Tom Servo: Oragami's Japanese, right? I like Oragami. Well, maybe "like" is too strong a word. I mean, I don't mind it... Ah, Hell, I hate it. Folding paper is STUPID! STUPID!
Crow T. Robot: You sure turned on that pretty quickly.

Crow T. Robot: You know, I am starting to get a sense of Space Chief's ultimate vulnerability, though.
Tom Servo: I think we're gonna hear a deft and poetic monologue from Space Chief about his loneliness.

[during a lengthy shot of a radar screen]
Crow T. Robot: You know, not many movies can support a full minute of looking at a radar screen. For example, *this* one can't, at all.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Red Zone Cuba (#7.19)" (1994)

[during the screening of "Night Train to Mundo Fine"]
Crow T. Robot: Well, they sure aren't wasting any precious screen time on the *plot*!

[watching Night Train to Mundo Fine]
Crow T. Robot: Nothing's happening *so* fast!

[watching Night Train to Mundo Fine]
Crow T. Robot: [as Griffin] If I get any happier, I might just *kill* myself!

Crow T. Robot: Those sure were some tasty frog legs, huh?

[a gigantic jump cut occurs early on in the movie]
Crow T. Robot: Whoops! There we go again.

[about John Carradine]
Crow T. Robot: Is he *always* 100 years old?

[referring to Griffin, Cook and Landis]
Crow T. Robot: Remember when everyone used to dress up like these guys?

Crow T. Robot: Well, aside from the fact that I might never be able to experience joy again, I didn't think this movie was that bad.

Crow T. Robot: I want to hurt this movie but I can never hurt it in the ways that it has hurt me.

[the incredibly ugly Cherokee Jack is introduced]
Mike Nelson: Ah, another Hollywood pretty boy.
Crow T. Robot: Take a long second and get used to this face.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Future War (#11.4)" (1999)

Crow T. Robot: [during the opening credits] I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.

[while observing the lead actor of "Future War"]
Crow: Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme!
Mike Nelson: More like Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.

Crow T. Robot: [as the cyborg crashes into the church from above] It's SuperPope!

Tom Servo: [as the spaceship comes into view on screen] Wait! Another movie started!
Mike Nelson: [identifies the ship which the front looks much like a dustbuster] Dustbuster Galactica.
Crow T. Robot: [summarizing the film] Maybe this is an anthology of short, plotless movies.

[Runaway is surrounded by cardboard boxes]
Crow T. Robot: He's "boxed" in!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, well I'm card-"bored".

Sister Ann: Drive! Drive!
Crow T. Robot: Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! Of course, if you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.

[as Runaway and the cyborg fight]
Crow T. Robot: This is hard to watch because I care about them both so much.
Mike Nelson: I care about the boxes. I mean, why should innocent freight have to suffer?

[seeing the name "Andre Scruggs" in the opening credits]
Tom Servo: Ah, the French country singer.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's usually paired with Guillaume Tubbs.

Crow T. Robot: [Making fun of one of the obese characters] I'll loan him some flesh.

Crow T. Robot: [Runaway is making a grunting face surrounded by boxes] Don't come in yet!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Space Mutiny (#9.20)" (1997)

[after Space Mutiny finally ends]
Mike Nelson: Boo! Boo!
Tom Servo: Man, a retarted jellyfish could make a better movie than this!
Crow: A severely impaired box turtle with a very busy schedule, just give him a camera for a day, he'd come up with something better than this.

Captain Devers: [referring to another character] Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.
Commander Jansen: Alright.
Crow: [as Jansen] Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

Wussy commander: This is mutiny! This is treason! Which I warn you I must report!
Crow: I just need to wet myself first!

Crow: [the macho names they invent for the films hero] Slab bulkhead!
Tom Servo: Bridge Largemeat!
Mike Nelson: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bald Bigplank!
Mike Nelson: Splint Chesthair!
Mike Nelson: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bulk Vanderhuge!
Mike Nelson: Thick Mcrunfast!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Tom Servo: Slunk Slabchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike Nelson: Stomp Beefmob!
Tom Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike Nelson: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chokmen!
Tom Servo: Dirk Hardpeck!
Mike Nelson: Rip Steakface!
Tom Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Mike Nelson: Brick Hardmeat!
Crow: Rip Slabcheek!
Tom Servo: Bob Johnson! No wait...
Mike Nelson: Smoke Man Muscle!
Mike Nelson: Gristle McThornbody!

Crow: Here's a little free advice for the mutineers: Just stop and aim, you idiots!
Tom Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep on missing this slow, giant, white thing?

Crow: I have a whole colony of people living in my beard.

Crow: Oh, hey, Mike, uh, I'm a Bellerian.
Mike Nelson: Sure looks that way, doesn't it?
Crow: Yep. I just found out, and you know it's weird. It explains so much about me, about who I am, where I came from, what motivates me and such.
Mike Nelson: Well, sure. I mean, you're a Bellerian.
Crow: Yep. Why, don't I look like one, or--?
Mike Nelson: No, sure. You do.
Crow: I mean, I've got to be a Bellerian, otherwise I wouldn't be dressed like this. Gosh, am I a Bellerian? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have to be. Yep, yep, I'm a Bellerian. Oh, hell, am I? I-- No, no, no, I am a Bellerian. I am. Mm-hm.

[the camera pans over a character that died in the previous scene]
Mike Nelson: Hey... Hey, she's dead! She died!
Tom Servo: Wow...
Captain Devers: Sir...
Crow: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance!

David Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea Jansen: Doctor!
David Ryder: Doctor!
Crow: Doctor Lady!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Agent for H.A.R.M. (#9.15)" (1997)

Mike Nelson: I really like rice.
Tom Servo: EXXXXTREMMMMEEEEEEEE RIIIIIIIIIIIIIICEEEEEEEE! Thermonuclearrrrrr protectionnnnn woooooo!
Crow T. Robot: See, Mike? Isn't rice better when it's extreme?

Crow T. Robot: Ah, it's the Eastern Europe part of Southern California.

Crow T. Robot: Damn you, Shel Silverstein!

Mike Nelson: Starring has beens and never wases.
Crow T. Robot: With Bob Marley and Prince!

Crow T. Robot: Old guy? There's another old guy here to see you.

Crow T. Robot: [as Adam] Watch me open the HELL out of this door!

Crow T. Robot: [hearing knocks] Hm, that could be any one of the other two characters.

Doctor: Adam, he's gone.
Crow T. Robot: I mean he's there, but he's dead.

Adam: We were just saying goodbye.
Crow T. Robot: With our reproductive organs.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Outlaw (#6.19)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: [as Jack Palance/Xenos] God, I'm drunk.

Crow T. Robot: [as Jack Palance] I crap bigger than this movie!

Watney Smith: Hi darling. You, uh, doing anything later?
Crow T. Robot: [as the girl Watney's hitting on] Yeah, blowing you off.

Crow T. Robot: [as Cabot's ring starts making noise] It's Commissioner Gordon calling.

Crow T. Robot: Sorry folks. We simply could not afford to have special effects.

Watney Smith: What's hell's the matter with the car, Cabot? Keep it on the road.
Crow T. Robot: It's just the stage hands rocking it.

Crow T. Robot: [watching Cabot pound on an attacker's chest] Clear! Live dammit. C'mon.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, please. Let's not have another vague scene.

Mike Nelson: [regarding Cabot's fight the gladiators] That's not him. Good thing they brought his stunt double in.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, but he fights good. Too bad he wasn't the hero.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Spider Invasion (#9.10)" (1997)

Crow: "Dark? It's not dark," Rebane declared.
Tom Servo: Visuals? For a movie? Who needs them?

Crow: [fake-laughing] It's always funny when you turn down tea, then you decide you want tea!

Crow T. Robot: Moses, move the bike!

[Dan Kester goes to the refrigerator]
Crow T. Robot: Want a piece of milk?

[watching Dan Kester]
Mike Nelson: Johnny Crappleseed.
Crow: Paul Infected Bunyan.
Tom Servo: Old McDonald had a cyst.

[watching the giant spider dissolve into a gloppy mess]
Mike Nelson: Ew, the spider needs a Zantac.
Tom Servo: Alan Hale digests a kielbasa.
Crow: "It Came from Planet Gross-Out."

Mike Nelson: [as Dan Kester chases Teri out of the room in his filthy long johns] And the movie just ramps up the repulsion.
Crow: This movie hates us doesn't it?

Crow: [as an asteroid shaped like a sperm approaches Earth] I hope Earth has its diaphragm on.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Quest of the Delta Knights (#10.13)" (1998)

Baydool: My name is Baydool.
Crow T. Robot: No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.
Baydool: Can you say "Baydool"?
Pearl Forrester: Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't.

Baydool: There's always food on the table.
Crow T. Robot: And food in my beard.
Baydool: Would you like some food?
Tom Servo: I would, but what's that crap you're holding up?

[Baydool comes out holding a chamber pot]
Pearl Forrester: Eww, wizard wiz!
Crow T. Robot: He drained the wizard!

Baydool: You're no longer a slave. Do you understand?
Crow T. Robot: You're the hostage of a madman!

Tom Servo: Hey, what happened to Crow there?
Mike Nelson: Oh he went outside to check the ships gutters, the ratio kicked up and he got caught in a freak hailstorm.
Tom Servo: Sure is the season for 'em, huh?
Mike Nelson: Yeah, about three grand in hail damage, uh, it's gonna be about three weeks in the shop, but Gyps gave me a loaner Crow.
[smoking rattling loaner Crow shows up]
Tom Servo: Cool. Hey, it's that old AMC Crow that Gypsy's been tinkering with for years.
Loaner Crow: Hey guys, are there things that are happening?
Tom Servo: He must be running rich.
Mike Nelson: Yeah, well, I'll flip his air filter cover over and uh, he should be fine.
Tom Servo: Check it out, he's got a killer radio!
Mike Nelson: Oh wow, cool.
[turns on radio]
Loaner Crow: Later we'll take stuff and do it, right?

Outlaw: [muffled] There's to be no talking by Prince Jaamteer's command.
Crow T. Robot: Well, tell Prince Jumpjugs I'm sorry.

Leonardo: What are you doing?
Tom Servo: Trying to obey Prince Jumpjugs.
Tee: When in doubt, rest.
Crow T. Robot: You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.

Leonardo: Come on, Tee. Besides being a pretty good artist, I'm *great* with maps, so how about it?
Mike Nelson: How great can you really be at *maps*?
Crow T. Robot: It's like being good at eating cereal.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Angels' Revenge (#7.22)" (1995)

Crow T. Robot: It's the TandA Team.

Crow T. Robot: [about his film] Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk is guaranteed boffo box office!

Crow T. Robot: [as girl] She rejected me! I'm gonna go use drugs.

Crow T. Robot: [as Jim Backus] And here's where we grow dirt.

Crow T. Robot: [as Jim Backus] And we're thinking of starting a fascist petting zoo!

Crow T. Robot: [as angels] Are we hot or is it just us?

Angel: Girls, we've got company.
Crow T. Robot: Get out the good linen.

Crow T. Robot: This looks like a job for girl... woman!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills (#6.10)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: I'm late for my Hitler youth meeting.

Crow T. Robot: What's Rutherford B. Hayes doing in this movie?

Crow T. Robot: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves?

Crow T. Robot: Alright new rule. No crusty old evangelists.

Crow T. Robot: Here are a few highlights from the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes, act started the Hayes Office, won fame as an American lyric tenor and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919. After he retired, he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Allen Arthur.

Crow T. Robot: The old man never said that.
Tom Servo: You can't flash back to something that never happened. That's not fair.

Narrator: Don't let this happen to you!
Crow T. Robot: Don't change a tire with your face.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Final Justice (#11.8)" (1999)

Crow: [seeing Joe Don Baker] His arteries are just looking at each other, shakin' their heads

Crow: [Joe Don collapses] In the time it takes him to fall the government in Italy changes three times.

Crow: [about Joe Don Baker] A giant baby in a hat.

Crow: And now, the thick, meaty conclusion of "Final Justice."

[Joe Don Baker leaves the village after the villagers nursed him back to health]
Mike Nelson: Well, they hustled him out of the village pretty quick.
Tom Servo: [as Joe Don] But wait, I'm still sick and wounded.
Crow: [as villagers] Uh huh. Good-BYE!

[as Joe Don Baker chugs a large glass of milk]
Crow: His arteries are just looking at each other, shaking their heads.

Crow: [upon seeing Joe Don Baker's horrible suit] My Mom made me a real cowboy suit!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell (#6.12)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: This makes "Driving Miss Daisy" look like "Bullitt!"

Crow T. Robot: I've seen faster funeral processions!

[watching the end of 'Mitchell']
Crow T. Robot: You know, at this stage in any killing spree, you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [chanting] Turn it! Turn it! Turn it! Turn it!
Joel: Hey! Hey!

Crow T. Robot: [as police chief] Well you're rich and white. I don't see a problem with it.

Crow T. Robot: [seeing murder victim's outline] Keith Harring was here!

Crow T. Robot: [a car door slams offscreen] What was that? Oh.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules and the Captive Women (#5.12)" (1992)

Crow T. Robot: I hope that's not Hercules. Oh no, it is!

Hercules: I understand, I understand.
Crow T. Robot: I'm a rational man, I'm a rational man.

Crow T. Robot: Oh great, the next Hercules doesn't come 'til 9:47!

Crow T. Robot: I think the cameraman's falling asleep.

Hylus: If my father finds me here with a girl
Crow T. Robot: He'd be surprised.

Guard: Who goes there? Halt!
Crow T. Robot: I mean, halt! Who goes there? Sorry, I'm new.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Against the Moon Men (#5.10)" (1992)

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [watching the rock men close in on Samara] We will, we will rock you.

Crow T. Robot: Joel, I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts that the women.
Tom Servo: Boy, don't you know it? I can just imagine a common scene from the days of ancient Greece. Oh, hi Hercules, have a seat. Ah, no, no, no!

Crow T. Robot: [singing] The great men of our time have all worn pants. Roosevelt, Churchill, De Gaulle, Gandhi... well almost all of them.

Crow T. Robot: The world is having a maalox moment.

Crow T. Robot: Why is he wearing oven mitts?

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Herculeeeees! Herculaaaaa! Herculeeeees! Hercula-ha-ha-ha! Herculeees! Herculaaa! My backpacks filled with pecks!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Soultaker (#11.1)" (1999)

Crow T. Robot: Dummy! Didn't you see that "Warning: Joe Estevez crossing" sign?

[during a scene in which Joe Estevez's character appears]
Crow T. Robot: Hi, folks. You may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented but less appreciated brother. Thank you.

Brad Deville: Zak, you still haven't figured it out yet, have you?
Crow: We have. Can we go?
Brad: Zak, Led Zeppelin was wrong, man.
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Brad: There is no stairway to heaven.
Tom Servo: Zep is never wrong, man.
Brad: An even if there was, you couldn't buy your way up there.
Mike Nelson: Is SABBATH wrong too, man?

[the Soultaker, disguised as Natalie's mother, peeks at her while she's undressing for a bath]
Crow T. Robot: Eeeeww, I INSTANTLY need counseling.

Crow T. Robot: [the camera speeds down a highway] Where's David Byrne's head?

Tom Servo: [as a soultaker, while the two soultakers are seen walking alongside a road] I'm sorry. I thought we had more gas.
Crow T. Robot: [as the camera jumps closer to the soultakers] Hey, wait...
Crow T. Robot: [the camera jumps even closer] Hey, hey, um, wait...
Crow T. Robot: [as the camera shows an extreme closeup of Robert Z'dar's crotch] Eeeeeewwww, took my soul, right there.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Fire Maidens of Outer Space (#5.16)" (1992)

Crow T. Robot: Cy Roth: maker of films and fine candies.

Crow T. Robot: Stay on the left! On the left! Dickweed!
Tom Servo: Let's get you right out to the suburbs where it's safe.
Joel Robinson: What, are they driving to Scotland?

Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's traffic in space.

Crow T. Robot: Breakfast is the most boring meal of the day.

Crow T. Robot: Go for the women, not the old goat!

Crow T. Robot: Jupiter: America's dairyland.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants (#6.23)" (1994)

Crow T. Robot: [watching kids dance] Hey that's the monkey.
Tom Servo: I thought that was the jerk?
Crow T. Robot: No, the jerks are doing the monkey

Jean: Dig that nitty gritty.
Crow T. Robot: Stop slanging! What are you saying?

Crow T. Robot: The Beau Brummels!
Tom Servo: The Beau Bridges Brummels!
Crow T. Robot: The Beau Brummels Bridges of Madison County!

Crow T. Robot: Why is she spraypainting the spider?

Rick: Y'see Fred boy. All it takes is a little cooperation.
Crow T. Robot: And some hot rollers.

Crow T. Robot: It sounds like Shaft is coming!
Mike Nelson: Shut your mouth.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Touch of Satan (#10.8)" (1998)

Crow: Mike, I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense.

Crow: [makes a train sound] Ding, ding, ding - that's the train going through your pause!

Crow: Is this the same pause or is this technically a sub pause?

Crow: Our next pause is gonna be THIS BIG!

[as a police car drives down the road]
Crow: [using Barney Fife voice] Well, Andy, there was a demon in the car!

Farmer: [upon hearing a meow] Is that you Robert?
Mike Nelson: Robert the cat?
Farmer: You should be in bed.
Crow: With Andrew the dog.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girl in Gold Boots (#11.2)" (1999)

Tom Servo: [after a bad edit results in a character suddenly appearing mid-scene] I'm back.
Mike Nelson: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow T. Robot: C'mon, I just teleported here, it's impressive.

Singer: [as a song plays, a greasy cook watches] Everything I touch turns to gold...
Crow T. Robot: So what happens when you touch gold?
Tom Servo: Everything I touch turns to flies.
Mike Nelson: Wolfgang Puck's sad demise.

Crow T. Robot: I'm having Critter's varment!

Crow: I'm having Critter's varment!

[Blatts hands Buz a garbage can to empty]
Harry Blatts: Here, this'll give you something to do with those busy hands of yours.
Crow T. Robot: Gah, what is he implying?

Crow T. Robot: [Buz applauds Michelle's so-called "dancing" by clapping] Don't! The fryer's hooked up to the clapper!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Wild World of Batwoman (#6.15)" (1993)

Mike Nelson: What'd I miss?
Crow T. Robot: Only the best credits ever.

Johnny: Well, why don't they call?
Crow T. Robot: Because they don't like you!

Crow T. Robot: [upon seeing the title "Cheating"] A Centron production! Although we got the idea from another company. Because we're cheating.

[watching "The Wild World of Batwoman"]
Crow T. Robot: So, Mike, this is hell.
Mike Nelson: Yup.

Crow T. Robot: You know, this is like an Andy Warhol movie only it's kinda weird.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Phantom Planet (#10.2)" (1998)

Crow T. Robot: No fair. You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago.

[Frank Chapman is flashing back to previous scenes in the movie]
Tom Servo: Congratulations, Mrs. Astronaut, it's a boy... boy... boy...
Mike Nelson: Wake up, Frank. You wet the bed... bed... bed...
Crow T. Robot: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again... gain... gain...
Mike Nelson: Mr. Chapman, this is Western Financial Collections. Do you value your credit rating... rating... rating...
Crow T. Robot: I'm afraid you're just not 7-11 timber, Frank... Frank... Frank...
Tom Servo: You're the worst party clown we've ever had... had... had...

Crow T. Robot: Maybe if they didn't disguise their planet as a Chicken McNugget, the dogs wouldn't attack it!

Crow T. Robot: Today the moon narrowly missed hitting a man's eye like a big pizza pie.
Tom Servo: Scientists believe that's amore.

Crow T. Robot: Man, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eye!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Rocketship X-M (#3.1)" (1990)

Harry Chamberlain: The human body can withstand these accelerations, but it certainly was never meant to.
Crow T. Robot: What did you expect? You're an astronaut, dickweed!

Crow T. Robot: Uh, Houston we've got a problem. Lloyd's making moves on the babe, here.

Floyd (Lloyd Bridges): [Moon visible out porthole] Don't underrate it. Moonlight's potent.
Lisa Van Horn: You are speaking of its effect on men and women?
Tom Servo: No, tree frogs.
Floyd (Lloyd Bridges): On women. I don't need the stuff myself.
Lisa Van Horn: Oh. You're immune?
Crow T. Robot: [mimicking her accent] No, Ah'm Lloyd. That's the Myoon.

Crow T. Robot: By this time my lungs were aching for air!

Dr. Fleming: [defending the mission to reporters, after the RXM crash] It has proven that interstellar space travel is not only possible, but practical.
Crow T. Robot: And enjoyable, for all members of the family! Oh there'll be carnage...

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (#11.6)" (1999)

Crow T. Robot: They could use their eyeliner to fashion a crude spear...

Doc: The believability of the sightings along Boggy Creek are rated very high.
Crow T. Robot: By J.D. Power.

Crow T. Robot: So these three are all majoring in Boggy Creek studies?

Mike Nelson: [Mike and Bots see the creature] Ted Nugent?
Crow T. Robot: Slash?
Tom Servo: Rob Zombie?
Mike Nelson: Cher?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Cher.

[the monster is approaching]
Doc: I don't want to alarm anyone, but...
Crow T. Robot: RUN!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hamlet (#11.9)" (1999)

[after seeing a German version of "Hamlet"]
Crow: Well, Mike, this has convinced ME not to kill your Dad and marry your Mom.
Tom Servo: Well, at least when the Germans are doing this they can't be up to any mischief.

Hamlet: Little more than kin. And less than kind.
Crow: That's from "Hamlet"!

Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Tom Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
Mike Nelson: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: That's what we're doing right now, bub.
Hamlet: No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Mike Nelson: Okay, we need a predicate now.
Hamlet: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Tom Servo: To SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Crow: Whoa! That's an old chestnut.
Hamlet: [whispering] To sleep...
Tom Servo: [ditto] to sleeeep...
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM!
Crow: The impossible DREAM!

Laertes: I'll not be juggled with.
Crow: I'm not a small sack of beans!

Hamlet: Here's metal more attractive.
Crow: You are made of metal, right, Ophelia?

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People (#4.3)" (1991)

Tommy: Trumpy. You can do magic.
Crow T. Robot: It's called "evil", kid.

[repeated lines]
Tom Servo: Chief?
Crow T. Robot: McCloud!

Crow T. Robot: [when people start to leave the room with the dead woman] Come on breakfast is getting cold and she isn't any warmer.

Tommy: Trumpy you can do magic!
Crow T. Robot: [Trumpy turns around to face the audience with eyes glowing] It's called evil kid.
Tom Servo: Hey he's got his high beams on!

Tommy: [after Tommy puts the lid back on the jar of peanuts] These we'll put away for later.
Crow T. Robot: [impersonating Trumpy] No more.
Tommy: Now we can play.
Crow T. Robot: Like hell! More food!
Tommy: Do you know what play is Trumpy.
[Trumpy shakes his head]
Tommy: Well what do you know?
Crow T. Robot: Food, eating, the theater!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost (#9.13)" (1997)

Crow T. Robot: Get in there you little viper! Somebody needs viping!

Crow T. Robot: Uh, little problem here guys... um... I'm a bear.
Tom Servo: Oh I'm so sure.
Crow T. Robot: No, I'm a bear. You know that little elf mushroom guy?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Crow T. Robot: He did it.
Mike Nelson: Oh. Huh. And where did this happen?
Crow T. Robot: Just... you know... around... Some luck, huh?
Mike Nelson: Are you sure you didn't just hot glue fur to yourself?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, I wish.
Tom Servo: MIKE! HELP! Crow ate half of me then buried me in the dirt!
Crow T. Robot: Mmm. Not bad.
Mike Nelson: Crow, what is wrong with you?
Crow T. Robot: I told you, Mike, I'm a bear.
Mike Nelson: Now haven't we talked about this 100 times - about you taking your bear simulations to the extreme?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: And what are you doing?
Crow T. Robot: Taking my bear simulations to the extreme?
Mike Nelson: Yeah. There. Do you see a connection?
Crow T. Robot: Um... no, I don't, Mike.
Tom Servo: Oh!

Crow T. Robot: [as children run away into the woods] Chernobyl's exploding again! Let's go watch!

[first lines]
Crow T. Robot: Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson *is* Lord of the Dance!

Crow T. Robot: I have terminal enchantment right now.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Hellcats (#3.9)" (1990)

Joel: That was a guy.
Crow T. Robot: No, it wasn't.
Joel: It was too!
Crow T. Robot: Was not!
Tom Servo: Was not was! There! I made a meaningless pop culture reference! Now, knock it off!

Crow T. Robot: Joel, what are these films trying to teach us about life?
Joel: Well, I guess they're trying to say that we're born, and then we die, and there's lots of padding in between.

[a pair of legs are seen sticking out of a garbage can]
Crow T. Robot: That guy's trashed!
Tom Servo: No, he's looking for the script.

Crow T. Robot: They look as confused by the film as we are.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Diabolik (#11.13)" (1999)

[last lines of the series]
Mike Nelson: Who's for rice?
Crow: Would you sit down? The movie's about to start.
Tom Servo: Dummy.
Announcer: WGNJ TV in Milwaukee presents our Saturday afternoon movie, The Crawling Eye.
Tom Servo: The Crawling Eye- the Marty Feldman story.
Mike Nelson: Oh Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure the trees' shirttails are in.
Crow: This movie looks kind of familiar, doesn't it?

Crow: Gentlemen, let's begin our film with a ten minute shot of a spinning radish.

[the police shoot at Diabolik]
Crow: Look, I'm sorry if *you're* offended by my random murders.

Diabolik: [to his girlfriend] You look weathered. Hop in the car.
Crow: "You look weathered." What a nice thing to say.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Danger! Death Ray (#7.20)" (1995)

[the characters have vaguely foreign accents]
Crow T. Robot: What country does this take place in?
Mike Nelson: Europe.

Crow T. Robot: Bart Fargo is... Hard to Watch!

Crow T. Robot: By now the death ray is completely forgotten.

[the professor introduces his death ray]
Professor: The power of this ray is a lot greater than a laser.
Crow T. Robot: [as Professor] So I haven't just invented that again.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Prince of Space (#9.16)" (1997)

Crow T. Robot: Chickens are a cruel people.

Phantom of Krankor: This is my giant guardian. He obeys my slightest command!
Crow T. Robot: Like, "wander around aimlessly and gain weight."

Crow T. Robot: [as Krankor] Ah hah! Somebody left a perfectly good refrigerator over there! Haah! Haah! Haah!

Crow T. Robot: Twenty thousand leagues above the sea.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Mole People (#9.3)" (1997)

John Agar: There's gotta be a scientific explanation for all of this.
Crow T. Robot: I believe the Elf Princess put them there.

Crow T. Robot: [to the female love interest] Haven't I told you before that you're not a servant? Now go get me a beer!

Crow T. Robot: Gentlemen, we've been captured by gay wrestling cheerleaders.

[Mike and the Bots provide the inner monologues for our heroes as they listen to an avalanche in the distance]
Tom Servo: I just realized that my life is a lie!
Crow T. Robot: Make something up. State it firmly, even arrogantly!
Mike Nelson: I'm still pissed at Beaumont!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Deadly Bees (#10.5)" (1998)

[at the end of "The Deadly Bees"]
Crow: Well, so what do you suppose the message was for this movie? Oh, wait, I know ? Don't See It!

[watching "Deadly Bees"]
'Deadly Bees' guy: I've made...
Crow: ...this movie really hard to watch?

[at the end of "Deadly Bees", a man has mysteriously appeared, and no further explanation is given as the credits roll]
Crow: Uh, so, look for the credit "Man at the end", OK?

[watching "The Deadly Bees"]
Crow: [as a bee] Uh, sir, please stop trying to milk us!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Screaming Skull (#10.12)" (1998)

Crow: Damn... I need more pig's blood.

Crow: [about the opening theme] Yep, when you think "shocking horror," you think German Oompah-Band music.

Crow: [as Mickey] I'd better go rotate the hostages.

Crow: Remember, if you die of boredom, you don't get a free coffin.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Blood Waters of Dr. Z (#11.5)" (1999)

Singer: [singing] Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...
Crow T. Robot: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm really sashaying through the sarcasm.

Dr. Leopold: Sargassum. The weed of deciet.
Crow T. Robot: That's what I smoke!

Tom Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow T. Robot: Are you sure you're buying the right KIND of jumpsuit?

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (#9.12)" (1997)

Bobo: Now, Mike, I'm supposed to send you the movie entitled "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies" but, um, uh, you see, I, uh, I forgot how.
Mike Nelson: Oh, that's okay, Bobo. Don't bother on our account.
Crow: Yeah, let's skip it.
Observer: Oh, for the love of Heidegger. I'll take care of it, you addle-pated homunculus...
Bobo: All right, you cream-faced loon, I've had just about enough out of you.
[Bobo makes monkey noises]
Observer: Good-- good-- good God! What are you doing, man? That-- that-- that's disgusting!
Bobo: You don't know the half of it. How about a little game of catch?
Observer: What are you going to do with that? Oh no, no, you can't possibly...
Bobo: Start running, Casper!
Observer: Oh, no, please, I beg you! Owww ho-ho-ooogh!
Mike Nelson: Remind me to never cross Bobo. Well, we've got Movie Sign!

Crow: [while being hypnotized] Our state fair is a great state fair...

Crow: [noting the horrendous sound] Recorded on Edison's cylinder.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Horror of Party Beach (#9.17)" (1997)

[the Horror of Party Beach is finally revealed]
Crow: A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Tom Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor.

Crow: Men should NOT have bikini areas.

Crow: Ooh, bet you that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own head with drawn butter.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Brain That Wouldn't Die (#6.13)" (1993)

Docter: There are ways.
Tom Servo: MWAHAHAHA!
Docter: There are ways.
Mike Nelson: Lots of ways, many ways, did I mention there are ways?
Crow T. Robot: *Ways*!

[about the severed head in the baking pan]
Tom Servo: Well, somebody's got a chip on her shoul...
Crow T. Robot: D'oh! This operation's gonna cost an arm and a le...
Tom Servo: Zing!

Scientist in movie: What's done is done and what I've done is right... it's the work of science.
Crow T. Robot: Science? I thought you said pizza.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Wild Rebels (#3.7)" (1990)

Tom Servo: Gosh, Joel, that biker guy sure is sleazy, but boy, what a vocabulary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's quite eloquent for a piece of lowlife scum.
Joel: Oh, well, you guys might be surprised to find out that a lot of the great thinkers of this century actually rode in motorcycle gangs. In fact, I've got a few drawings...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, don't tell me, you've prepared a presentation using artists' renderings.
Joel: Right. You know, you read me like a book. And anyone who reads a lot of books will know who the Algonquin Round Table was.
Tom Servo: Well, of course! Alexander Wolcott, George S. Kaufman, Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker...
Joel: Right! Well, I've got this drawing here... bring it in a little bit, Cambot. Here's the group, here's their gang. It's called "Satan's Sardonics." Now, these guys terrorized the whole East Coast until one day they were unexpectedly wiped out in a rumble with the cast of "What's My Line?"
Crow T. Robot: Wow, I guess that Bennett Cerf is tougher than people thought!
Joel: Yeah! Now, when you think of a tough, macho writer who writes in a tense, hard-boiled style, who do you think of?
Tom Servo: Uh... Truman Capote?
Joel: Exactly! See? His gang, "Oscar's Wilde Ones" - they were leather boys - were all the rage until Norman Mailer's gang, "Hell's Egos," mixed it up with Gore Vidal's gang, "The Vidal Sassoons."
Crow T. Robot: Boy, sounds pretty messy! "If they don't look good, we don't look good!"
Joel: Yeah, there was gel and mousse for miles around. The carnage didn't end until they all joined forces and finally beat up... Dick Cavett.

Joel: We'll be right back after this important message. Hey, kids!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: [commercial jingle starts] We're Wiiiiild Rebels! Crunchy, fruity rebels! Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun!
Joel: It's Wild Rebels Cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit in back of the head with a surfboard of flavor!
Tom Servo: Look! Marshmallow Fattys!
Crow T. Robot: Sugary Lindas!
Joel: I got tangy, twangy Banjos!
Tom Servo: Crunchy oat Rods!
Crow T. Robot: And Jeeters, too! Die, Jeeter, die!
Magic Voice: [music stops] Kids? What are you doing in there?
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Having a good breakfast, mom.
Tom Servo: [music starts again] Pour on the milk! One, two! One, two, three, four!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Wiiiild Rebels! Bunchy, crunchy rebels! Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal, part of this complete breakfast.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's a cheap surprise inside!
Joel: I got a gun!
Tom Servo: I got a sawed-off pool cue with a leather strap!
Crow T. Robot: I got a chunk of hose filled with lead shot!
Tom Servo: All right, let's take it home!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: They won't get soft or squishy! Better eat 'em, or you're a sissy! Just pound 'em down, you stupid clown, they're WIIIIILD!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal. Just eat 'em.

Crow T. Robot: For those of you watching at home, we have no idea WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (#5.3)" (1992)

Crow T. Robot: Hello. Good day. Happy to see you. I, Crow T. Robot, have penned a little ditty in honor of the star of today's experiement, Kim Cattrall. It's call "Oh, Kim Cattrall" by Crow T. Robot, sung by Crow T. Robot. It's marked allegro con brio, Köchel listing 643.
[singing]
Crow T. Robot: Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Kim Kim Kim Kim Cattrall. You were in "Mannequin", and that was a really good movie Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Caaaattraaaaa-halll! Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Kim Kim Cattrall. You've never made a bad film. Oh, What the hell, ring my bell. Let's go to The Dells. Our relationship will gel. I like your smell, you're really swell.
[as Charlton Heston]
Crow T. Robot: I'm Charlton Heston for Con-Tel. I love you, Kiiiiiiiim...
[slyly]
Crow T. Robot: I liked your dress at the Ace awards- Caaaattraaaaaaaall

Crow T. Robot: You're really stupid if you get by a car AFTER the apocalypse.

Mick: Progress...
Crow T. Robot: Is what my career lacks.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja II (#4.24)" (1992)

[George Lazenby is featured in the awful Master Ninja II]
Crow T. Robot: [as Lazenby] I used to be Bond... James Bond. Now I'm in movies... *bad* movies.

Webster: This is a small town. We take care of our people.
The Master: I don't think the lady wants you to take care of her.
Crow T. Robot: [as the Master] That's why the lady is a tramp.
Webster: Hey, you got a hearing problem, old man?
The Master: My hearing is excellent.
Joel Robinson: [as the Master] Because I have the Whisper 2000.

Tom Servo: You negated me!
Crow T. Robot: No, I didn't!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Riding with Death (#9.14)" (1997)

[a couple of thugs have just attacked Dr. Hale in the parking lot]
Sam Casey: Listen, you got any idea who those turkeys were?
Crow T. Robot: [as Casey] Were they butterballs?
Dr. Hale: We'll get to that after the meeting.
Tom Servo: [as Hale] We'll have a turkey update.

[as the end credits roll, there is a credit for "story consultant"]
Crow T. Robot: [stunned] Story consultant?
Tom Servo: [as story consultant] Yes, I advise you to hire the most annoying cracker you can find and then slam together two incomprehensible plotlines.

Sam Casey: I'm coming up on your mudflaps at sixty-seven.
Crow T. Robot: "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
Mike Nelson: My well-oiled chassis is coming up on your backside now.
Tom Servo: My rigid grill structure is bearing down on your unprotected cargo door.
Crow T. Robot: My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honeypot of yours.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Incredible Melting Man (#8.4)" (1996)

Crow T. Robot: [amused] How many monsters movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can.

Crow T. Robot: He threw HIMSELF up!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Terror from the Year 5000 (#9.7)" (1997)

[the characters enter a movie theater]
Crow: So now we gotta watch people watching a movie? What's *that* about?

Mike Nelson: [character in the movie walks by a man trying in vain to hide] Hey, Dave.
Crow: I am not Dave! I am a simple fern!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Devil Fish (#10.11)" (1998)

Crow T. Robot: At least the poor editing covers up how badly it was shot.
Tom Servo: It's the movie's way of saying: "You don't need to concern yourself with this!"

Dr. Bob Hogan: He'd sit on his mother's head if he had something to gain by it.
Crow T. Robot: Hot image, Bob.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (#8.3)" (1996)

Crow T. Robot: [after detecting a slight British accent by the two cast members] Let's see how long these accents last!

[Deathstalker, the smug and loathsome hero, is preparing to leave the people]
Deathstalker: You once told me it's not easy being a princess.
Crow T. Robot: [as princess] Sure did. Bye!
Deathstalker: It's not easy being a hero, either.
Tom Servo: Never before has an entire medieval city thrown up at the same moment.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes (#2.4)" (1989)

Minister: ...til death do you part?
Bride: I do.
[she collapses]
Crow T. Robot: Nice dive.
Tom Servo: You may now bury the bride.

[Fake wedding begins. Tom and Crow start to sob]
Joel Hodgson: Hey, come on. It's not a real wedding, you guys. Don't cry.
Crow T. Robot: We know. It's the script that's upsetting us.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Gila Monster (#5.2)" (1992)

Crow T. Robot: Son? He called me son. No wonder mom cries when I mention the Sheriff.

Crow T. Robot: Stupid-Man. More powerful than an okie-motive.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (#6.7)" (1993)

[during the short about "truck farming"]
Joel: Praise the Truck Farmer! Bow down to him!
Crow T. Robot: Worship the Truck Farmer, at the church of your choice.

Crow T. Robot: Yes Satan, speak to me through this song!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Horrors of Spider Island (#11.11)" (1999)

Mike Nelson: Better dead, than continue living.
Crow: As a general rule, I'm not sure I agree.

Crow: So Mike, if you're in a plane crash and you're a girl, you instantly become helpless and sex hungered, and you murmer a lot?
Mike Nelson: Well there's only one way to find out.
[Mike takes the SOL down and the three start doing a spoof on the plane crash in "Horrors of Spider Island." After the crash, everyone is dressed up as a girl]

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the Giant Leeches (#5.6)" (1992)

Unga Khan: Call out the imperial guard!
Crow T. Robot: And kill the dorky guy! I hate comic relief!

Crow T. Robot: This looks like the right side of the wrong side of the tracks.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town (#7.1)" (1994)

Crow T. Robot: Why does it burn when I P and Q?

Crow T. Robot: I'm epiphanying like crazy here. I gotta sit down.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sinister Urge (#7.13)" (1994)

Crow T. Robot: [on Detective Carson] Bela Lugosi's brother--Shemp Lugosi!

Detective Carson: He didn't have a chance to get rid of it. We've got him with the goods this time!
Crow T. Robot: And I never had to leave my chair!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus (#6.21)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: Increasingly paranoid, Santa's obsession with security begins to hinder everyday operations.

Crow T. Robot: Well, at least he made the sleighs run on time.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Beginning of the End (#6.17)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: [as a National Guard just being attacked by a giant cricket] One weekend a month, my ASS!

Crow T. Robot: I'm Peter Graves.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manhunt in Space (#5.13)" (1992)

[Joel and Crow are discussing color vs. black and white.]
Joel Robinson: And what do you think, Tom Servo?
Tom Servo: Um, about what?
Joel Robinson: About how some of our movies are in color and some are in black and white.
Tom Servo: I'm not sure I understand the question.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, come on! Movie A: color. Movie B: black and white.
Tom Servo: Look, we can't all notice the same subtleties!
Crow T. Robot: Subtleties? Why, I...
Joel Robinson: Hold on, Crow. Tom, what color is my jumpsuit?
Tom Servo: Red.
Joel Robinson: And what color is Crow?
Tom Servo: Red.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in five, four, three, two. What color is Dr. Forrester?
Tom Servo: Red. What about it?
Joel Robinson: We'll be right back. I think I see what the problem is.

movie character: There's a million to one chance we'll ever be seen.
Crow T. Robot: Oh. They must be on Comedy Central.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Creeping Terror (#7.6)" (1994)

Mike Nelson: Oh come on. I think we can be in a coffeehouse without becoming pretentious.
Tom Servo: Sure, don't worry Mike. We'll just sit here and prove 'em wrong.
Crow T. Robot: I don't feel a thing.
Gypsy: Yeah it's definitely not working.
Crow T. Robot: [after pause] I've been recording my life in pastels!
Tom Servo: The only question is "What have I been going through right now?"
Gypsy: You, the white male, are my personal oppressor!

Narrator: Now Bradford made a drastic move.
Crow T. Robot: He GESTURED.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Beatniks (#5.15)" (1992)

Bob 'Moon' Mooney: Get in touch with Morrissey, and...
Crow T. Robot: Tell him to stop crying.

Crow T. Robot: [Eddy, smoking, embraces Helen] Let's create this scene from 'Videodrome'.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sidehackers (#3.2)" (1990)

Joel: Well, you guys gotta understand, it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few?
Tom Servo: Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing...
Crow T. Robot: And, uh, computations, and Australian rules football.
Joel: Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, a rudimentary interest factor?
Tom Servo: A sense of fair play?
Crow T. Robot: A small measure of self-esteem?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Joel: Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it! So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage.
Crow T. Robot: [footage plays, the next lines are voice over] It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a Teenage Coed Prison!
Tom Servo: Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous Yank Me Crank Me!
Joel: That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the Swirly - Oh no, could that have been the Gunkout, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Thanks, Joel. I think that was more of a Spinning Love Funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College...
Tom Servo: Oh my goodness, it's a lineback, a slowburn and a hop, skip and a gold flame with a Fintoozler and an Itchy Gorilla! AN ITCHY GORILLA!
Joel: Uh oh, here comes the Big Blue Flamer, followed by Teatime Richard Scarry, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just Plain Stupid!
Crow T. Robot: It's an exciting day, indeed, here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park, but - what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Riley attempting the Teenage Wasteland on the hey-de-hi-de-ho side of the track?
Tom Servo: From the darker side of the street come the Cap Snaffler, Maynard and Eleanor, Casey's Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine!
Joel: Meet you on the dark side of the moon, it's the Ghostly Trio, followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate!
Crow T. Robot: Uh-oh, hold onto your epidermis! It's Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied Leaky Cheese!
Tom Servo: Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Bad Man and the Costumed Critters of Death are going crinkle-cut and somebody's got to pay... but, uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man and Joe screaming "Hey world, check me out!"
Joel: Hand me a Hoover, it's Raspberry Commie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a Butterscotch Push with a Frontie-frontie-frontie!
Crow T. Robot: Ho ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk in their Fintoozler? There's Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl in the George Barris custom show rod, bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy Tune on the side!
Tom Servo: I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen - Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God Your Helmet Smells Good...
Joel: Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the Sidehacking Clown, performing his famous Tension Envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cuz remember, kids, he who smelt it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper!
Crow T. Robot: Well, it's been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucies and a Woozle whose name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit.

Crow T. Robot: [as a somber looking Rommel sulks around, following a missing reel in which his girlfriend is brutally raped and murdered] For those of you wondering at home, Rita is dead.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Barugon (#4.4)" (1991)

[Kyosuke checks the dead man's pockets and finds a photo of a woman and child]
Crow T. Robot: Hey, that's MY family!

[a boat sails past the camera]
Joel Robinson: Hey, it's "Funny Girl" and there's Barbara Streisand.
[a second boat sails by]
Crow T. Robot: McHale!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Undead (#9.6)" (1997)

[as they exit the theater]
Mike Nelson: I thought this movie was supposed to be about an old woman and her driver?
Tom Servo: The "not-even-better-than-killing-yourself" movie of the summer!
Crow T. Robot: STAY!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Night of the Blood Beast (#8.1)" (1996)

Crow T. Robot: It's hard to trust anyone not named Steve, eh?

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Skydivers (#7.9)" (1994)

Mike Nelson: Did the actors do their own skydiving?
Crow T. Robot: No, the skydivers did their own acting.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teenagers from Outer Space (#5.4)" (1992)

Crow T. Robot: You know Joel, that old grandpa guy sure was nice to the teenager from outer space by letting him stay in the apartment without having him pay a rent until he got work. A real life Landlord would never do that.
Tom Servo: Why yes, things that happen in the movies are different from what happens in real life.
Joel: Right tom, so from our "Look at the Lighter Side Department," we'd like to introduce a new segment called Reel to Real. Check it out, move aside, guys. In reel life...
Tom Servo: You are offered free room and board until you can pay off your rent.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: If your are late with one payment, your room is padlocked, and you end up living in a refridgerator box.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your roomate is a beautiful woman, who fills your life with afternoon swims, moonlit drives, and the promise of romance.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your roomate is a stinky high school dropout, who fills your life with lice, crusty socks, and burnt cans of spaghettio's.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your landlord is a rosy-cheeked, cheerful old man.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your landlord is a butane addict, who sneaks into your room, and searches through your underwear drawer.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Holocaust (#2.9)" (1990)

Crow: In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invaders from the Deep (#1.1)" (1988)

[as the Stingray descends into the murkiest depths of the ocean floor]
Crow T. Robot: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of a abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Racket Girls (#7.16)" (1994)

[the camera zooms in on a female character with a pensive look on her face. Mike and the Bots start making gunfire and explosion noises]
Crow T. Robot: Marines, we are leaving!
[camera cuts back]
Mike Nelson: Sorry, I was back in Da Nang there.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Lives by Night (#11.10)" (1999)

[upon seeing the title, "IT Lives By Night"]
Crow: Well, IT shouldn't drink so much coffee.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sword and the Dragon (#7.17)" (1994)

Crow T. Robot: Dragon Slayer 2: The Uncalled For.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Green Slime (#1.0)" (1988)

[during a host segment]
Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of the life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the the Eye Creatures (#5.18)" (1992)

Crow T. Robot: [over a close-up of an actor resembling Malcolm McDowell] Malcolm McDowell in 'O Yucky Man!'

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja I (#4.22)" (1992)

[two cars are shown "jumping" down a hill]
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: FLUBBER! FLUBBER!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teen-Age Strangler (#6.14)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: [referring to the car crash sound effects] Ha! He crashed, then shot himself.

---

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Shorts Volume 3 (1999) (V)

Crow T. Robot: [Mary blows off some "angel dust" Wilbur placed on the phone] Honey, your cocaine is all over the phone.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! (#6.6)" (1993)

Crow T. Robot: [as Eegah hears Tim's song in the distance.] I've heard enough. I'll go beat him senseless.

---

Assignment: Venezuela and Other Shorts (2000) (V)

['Spring Fever'; the man bends over to place his ball on a tee]
Crow: Rip. Tear. Expose. Horrify friends.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Projected Man (#10.1)" (1998)

Crow T. Robot: Ehhh... Mike, let's just torch the theater and get out of here, c'mon.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Amazing Colossal Man (#4.9)" (1991)

Tom Servo: Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
Glen Manning: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second.
[picks up a cow and eats it]
Glen Manning: You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in...
Tom Servo: Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!
Glen Manning: You think I'm a freak, don't you!
[grab and rocks the sattelite]
Tom Servo: Uh-oh.
Crow T. Robot: Way to go Servo!
Joel Robinson: Oh, everyone hold on to something!
Glen Manning: That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Parts: The Clonus Horror (#9.11)" (1997)

Crow T. Robot: [as the clones happily, albeit sluggishly begin biking] Let's go film tampon commercials everybody!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back (#7.3)" (1994)

Crow T. Robot: Dial M for Mundane.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Killer Shrews (#5.7)" (1992)

Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Killer shrew, killer shrew / Don't know the difference 'tween me and you / He comes out at night to give you a fright / Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite / Killer shrew, killer shrew / K-I-double-L-E-R shrew / He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough / He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff / Killer shrew, killer shrew / He's coming to your town to get you!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (#4.21)" (1991)

[Joel and the bots sing "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas."]
Tom Servo: [singing] Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] We'll gather at the roadhouse with our next of kin.
Joel Robinson: [singing] And Santa will be our regular Saturday night thing.
Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson: [singing] We'll decorate our barstools and gather 'round and sing.
Tom Servo: [singing] Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Squirm (#11.12)" (1999)

Mike Nelson: Hi, folks. Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Crow T. Robot: Roger.
Tom Servo: Ramjet.
Mike Nelson: Fire extinguisher?
Tom Servo: Empty.
Crow T. Robot: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: Okay. Flare gun?
Tom Servo: Did it.
Crow T. Robot: Shot it off in your face. Next.
Mike Nelson: First aid kit?
Tom Servo: Used it to treat your flare burns.
Mike Nelson: Right. Parachute?
Crow T. Robot: Gym class.
Mike Nelson: Life vest?
Tom Servo: Faulty.
Mike Nelson: Ham radio?
Crow T. Robot: Mistook it for an actual ham.
Mike Nelson: There, the Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work?
Tom Servo: Yeah, the toaster over. We used it to bake the ham radio. Mmmm.
Mike Nelson: Oh, OK, well then. We're dead. We'll be right back
Crow T. Robot: Come on, Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser.
Tom Servo: Weeee.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Samson vs. the Vampire Women (#7.24)" (1995)

Prof. Orlof: You know, I bet it was a butterfly attracted to the light, and that's all.
Crow T. Robot: Or a tiny condor waiting for you to die.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Bloodlust! (#7.7)" (1994)

Tom Servo: Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!
Crow T. Robot: I did it!
Tom Servo, Gypsy, Mike Nelson: Crow!

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Code Name: Diamond Head (#7.8)" (1994)

Crow T. Robot: Now back to Code Name: Diamond Head, starring... that one guy.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Brute Man (#8.2)" (1996)

Crow T. Robot: Et Tu, Brute Man?

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye (#2.1)" (1989)

Crow T. Robot: Joel, I think we've already spent more time examining this plot than the writers ever did.

---

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Shorts (1998) (V)

[in "Why Study Industrial Arts?"]
Joel Robinson: You know, I like the feel of a board moving moving slowly against the cutter...
Mike Nelson: Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.
Joel Robinson: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and saw dust...
Crow T. Robot: I put them in my underwear... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: The bright glare of a welder...
Tom Servo: I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.
Joel Robinson: The sharp whine of a power tool...
Mike Nelson: The piercing scream of a freshman.
Joel Robinson: Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Tom Servo: Tap, tap tap, I keep Popular Mechanix under my mattress! Ha ha ha!
Joel Robinson: A saw...
Crow T. Robot: Building a chafe with no pants... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: A wrench...
Mike Nelson: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago. It's *over*!
Joel Robinson: A plane...
Tom Servo: These tools are my friends!
Joel Robinson: Or a chisel.
Crow T. Robot: What about *girls*, young man, *girls*?
Tom Servo: Nope. Chisels.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Monster A-Go-Go (#5.21)" (1993)

[after reading producer and director credits for Bill Rebane]
Crow T. Robot: Hey, what a coincidence: there are two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh-heh, y'know, 'cause you see, with the, and the, the guys that...
[taking a breath of resignation]
Crow T. Robot: This is gonna suck.

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time of the Apes (#4.6)" (1991)

Crow T. Robot: [a piece of wood falls into the river and the children look concerned] "No! My piece of wood! It died so that we might live."

---

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Mad Monster (#2.3)" (1989)

Hank: [from Commando Cody short] What did you find out about the ray guns?
Crow: Ron and Nancy?

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