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: Sssshhh! You want Mom and Dad to hear you? They're waiting for us. You know they are. Waiting for someone to stop that incessant crying. Lucy Camden
: It never stops. Matt Camden
: Thus the word incessant. Lucy Camden
: We're trapped in our own home. Our hell home... sorry. Usually my brain self-censors, but I can't hear myself thinking. Mary Camden
: Okay, listen, we can use the crying for cover. If we sneak up into our rooms very, very quietly them Mom and Dad won't be able to hear for the screaming.
: What time do you get off? Matt Camden
: I just got fired. Isn't that great?
: [to Ruthie
] Don't make me get Mom and Dad. Ruthie
: Ha! You couldn't get Mom and Dad away from the "Children of the Corn" if you tried!
: [to Ruthie
] You, get out. I have burgers to deliver. Ruthie
: I love riding in a car full of hamburgers and french fries. I had a dream I did it once and I woke up really happy.
: Is it me or is that Corey chick a pain?
: So man, have you ever taken anything from here? Matt Camden
: No, I never really saw the point. Keesha Hamilton
: I think I'd be too afraid I'd get caught. John Hamilton
: Oh no, come on, everybody knows that if anybody gets caught, I'm the one they'll blame.
Rev. Eric Camden
: [Holding a glass in his hand
] What's this? Matt Camden
: That's a glass.
: [to Matt
] I've been accepted to NYU for pre-med and classes start in January. Matt Camden
: NYU as in New York?... I don't know what hurts more, that you're going away, or that you told my dad before you told me. Shana Sullivan
: Come on. Can't we talk about this? Matt Camden
: I think it's too late for that.
: Are we breaking up? Matt Camden
: I don't want to break up with you.
: Why can't Robbie move out? I mean, he has a job, he makes good money. It's not like he can't get another place to live, I'll help him get another place to live. Simon Camden
: He doesn't want another place to live. He likes it just fine where he is, in Hello Kitty-ville. Matt Camden
: But this is our house, our family, Robbie has a family of his own. Simon Camden
: I know, Lucy made out with half of them.
: What's wrong? Annie
: Nothing. My own children won't call me Mama. Matt
: Mama. Annie
: [pushes him
: Yeah, I think you better take a seat now, Mr Muslim Hater. Daniel
: What did you say? Patient
: He called you a muslim hater.
: I'm not attracted to this girl. Eric
: Right... Lucy
: Why not? Matt
: There's no reason why, I'm just not. Simon
: I don't believe you. Matt
: I'm not attracted to every woman I see. Simon
: Yes you are.
: I'm gonna study. I just couldn't this afternoon because every time I looked up from my book, I noticed how dirty the kitchen was. John Hamilton
: Well, an unclean kitchen never bothered you before. Matt Camden
: Well, it did today, and you know, I hate to mention it, but if you had cleaned your breakfast dishes from this morning, I wouldn't have wasted my entire afternoon taking care of that little chore for you. John Hamilton
] Are you trying to blame me for you not studying? So you failed your organic chemistry pre-test because of Heather, and you didn't study this afternoon because I didn't do the dishes, and you're not studying now because your mom didn't do your laundry?
] John Hamilton
: I'm just curious. Now, if you don't pass your chemistry midterm and get kicked out of pre-med, who are you gonna blame? Me? Heather? Your mom? The Colonel? The man on the moon? Problems in the Middle East? Global warming? What? Matt Camden
: I don't know what you're so upset about. I'm gonna do fine on my midterm. John Hamilton
: But if you don't, it won't be your fault, right? Matt Camden
: Look, you don't understand. John Hamilton
: No, I think that you don't understand organic chemistry, among other things, and you're too pigheaded to admit it, and instead of just asking for help or saying "I need help", you're blaming everyone and everything, as long as it doesn't allow you to blame yourself. Matt Camden
: You are totally out of line. John Hamilton
: I don't think I am. Matt Camden
: Do you get good grades? John Hamilton
: [smiles proudly
] Yes, I do. Matt Camden
[pauses, doesn't know what to say
] Matt Camden
: That's because I do everything around here, and you do nothing!
Rev. Eric Camden
: [to Matt
] What are you doing with this stuff? Matt Camden
: A friend at school gave gave 'em to me. Their just natural energy boosters made from herbs or something. Rev. Eric Camden
: Not everything that is natural is good for you. Cocaine is extracted from the cope of plant. Heroin and Morphine come from natural plants and extracts. Natural doesn't always mean good! Matt Camden
: Dad, calm down, okay. Check the bottle, it's sealed I didn't take any. I was just looking for a way to keep awake so I could keep studying. Rev. Eric Camden
: Oh, you'll stay awake because the main ingredient in these pills is Ephedrine which is just a chemical process away from from being Methaphetamine. Matt Camden
: Wait, I don't get it, I mean the guy who gave these pills bought them from a health-food store. I mean if this stuff is so dangerous, then why is it not illegal? Rev. Eric Camden
: Because Ephedrine is classified as a food, not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be. Ephedrine-based supplements are illegal in 13 states. You know that it took to make them illegal? People died.
[Mary enters the room
] Rev. Eric Camden
: What's wrong? Mary Camden
: I took those pills. Rev. Eric Camden
: You took these pills? Mary Camden
: No, I didn't get the pills from Matt, I got them from Diane who gets them from her father. I thought everyone was taking them. Rev. Eric Camden
: I think I better talk to Diane's father. Throw them out. Matt Camden
: Did you know Buddhists believe suffering is inherited in life? Matt
: Then I must be a Buddhist.
: Yeah, well, there's something about jamming a long sharp piece of metal in my arm that gives me a problem.
: Uh... I think your pants fell off.
Rev. Eric Camden
: [knocking on Matt's door
] Matt Camden
: Who is it? Rev. Eric Camden
: Pants. Matt Camden
: Pants who? Rev. Eric Camden
: Pants daddy.
[Matt enters the kitchen and finds Lucy and Mary staring at him
: What? Mary
: Could we borrow your Brides Magazine? Mary
: You could, but... Why would you need to?
: [to Ginger and Grandpa Charles
] So, you guys are planning to do a little travelling together, huh? Sounds... pretty neat. Lucy
: Yeah! Neat. Matt
: Really neat. Mary
: Way neat! Eric
: Yeah... Travelling can sure be... Ruthie
: [Proudly announces
] I'm gonna be... a gynecologist.
] Annie Camden
: [to Eric
] Well, he does love women.
: [about Jewish holidays
] What about the one when you put on the costumes and the masks? Matt
: That's Halloween.
: So your sister shoved a guy's head in the toilet? Matt
: Up to the collar. You would have been proud.
: That's insane!
: [to Eric
] Hang in there, it's only what? Six months? Rev. Eric Camden
: Yes, son, and while I try to balance the demands of the church with those of my pregnant wife, you'll be right here sharing the misery and joy with your dear old dad. Matt Camden
: Not if I can help it. I'm going to check out housing today, just in case they had a cancellation. I saved my money this summer. Rev. Eric Camden
: I thought you were going to get a car with your money. Matt Camden
: Well, the way I see it, a car gets me away form the house during the day, where as a room on campus gets me away day and night. Yes, I'm still close by if I ever want to visit. Or eat. Or do laundry. Rev. Eric Camden
: Or borrow the car? Matt Camden
: Yeah. Rev. Eric Camden
: Well, we only have two cars in this family and Mary, God help us, is going to be driving in a matter of weeks. Matt Camden
: That still leaves one car. Rev. Eric Camden
: Yes, it leaves my car. Matt Camden
: You saw the pants, Dad. You're not going anywhere.
[Picking up a Hello Kitty plush toy
] Matt Camden
: As kitty as my witness, I will never have a Valentine's Day like this again.
: I'm am an official licensed driver! Matt Camden
: Chauffeur. Licensed chauffeur. Rev. Eric Camden
: And it's not a license, it's a learners permit. Learner being the key word here. Annie Camden
: That's right. Wherever you go, I shall go with you. Mary Camden
: I don't care! I'm driving! And I am the greatest driver in all the world! Matt Camden
: This can't happen. This is my senior year and I have a scholarship to play basketball. I mean, somebody has to do something. Simon Camden
: Why did he lock you guys out? Matt Camden
: Mom had two babies, Dad just had a heart attack, and now this? They have enough going on without having to worry about without the stuff. You're supposed to be the oldest. How can Mom and Dad trust that you can keep an eye on everyone else when you can't keep an eye on yourself? Mary Camden
: Oh, boy. One more lecture on how it is to be the oldest. How many times do I have to hear this stuff from you? Matt Camden
: Until you get it right. Mary Camden
: Go away! And take your lemony-scented self with you.
: [to Annie
] So Ruthie caught you and Dad... um, you know? Annie Camden
: Yes. Okay? Yes! Matt Camden
: I should have seen that one coming. Annie Camden
: No, you shouldn't have, it's never happened before! Matt Camden
: Yes, it has. Um... we've all seen you. I've seen you, Mary's seen you, Lucy's seen you, even Simon has seen you. Did you do that thing where you said you were gonna check on one of the kids and then Dad said he's gonna go check on you? That usually signals the red flag and we all steer clear, but Ruthie just didn't know the signal! Annie Camden
: Well, how did the rest of you know the signal? Matt Camden
: It's kind of an obvious signal. Annie Camden
: No it isn't! Matt Camden
: Yes it is. Annie Camden
: Go to bed. Matt Camden
: I don't live here. Annie Camden
: Go to bed, anyway. Simon Camden
] You know, you're never too old or too smart to do what your mother says.
: Renee named her baby after grandma. Simon Camden
: She named her baby Grandma?