Reginald 'Red' Forman
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Quotes for
Reginald 'Red' Forman (Character)
from "That '70s Show" (1998)

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"That '70s Show: Over the Hills and Far Away (#5.6)" (2002)
Kitty Forman: Do you have to breathe so much, it's like a sauna in here
Eric Forman: Alright, you heard the lady, no more breathing
Kitty Forman: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much, there's a difference
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people
Reginald "Red" Forman: Hey Ali Baba, close sesame
Steven Hyde: Red you missed the exit
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh damn, Eric you're supposed to be watching the map, what are you doing?
Eric Forman: [He holds up the map which he folded into a crown] Making you a crown because you're king of the road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom
Steven Hyde: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael Kelso: First down, touchdown!
Kitty Forman: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!

Eric Forman: Mum seems to have cheered up
Reginald "Red" Forman: Don't be fooled, at any minute it can strike
Michael Kelso: Wait up!
Reginald "Red" Forman: What do you want?
Michael Kelso: The explanation is pinned to my lapel
Reginald "Red" Forman: [opens the envelope] Dear Mr Forman, Mr Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to UW, here's 30 bucks so he can go with you, where's the thirty bucks?
Michael Kelso: I used it to pay for this electronic football game
Reginald "Red" Forman: I swear to God Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein
Eric Forman: Thank you Daddy
Michael Kelso: [to Eric] Thank you? Einstein was ugly

Reginald "Red" Forman: Before we hit the road we need to talk about the horrible thing that has taken over your mother.
Eric Forman: Oh you mean her change of life?
Steven Hyde: I thought we were calling it the lady parts problem.
Reginald "Red" Forman: It goes by many names, it's a tricky enemy, I haven't been this frosty since Korea and like a Commie it can jump out at any moment and attack.
Kitty Forman: [off-screen] Red, honey.
Steven Hyde: Take cover!
Eric Forman: Retreat!

Steven Hyde: Mrs. Forman, college isn't for me. I do my learning on the streets.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Steven you're a smart kid. If you apply yourself, you can go to college too
Steven Hyde: You don't trust me alone around the house?
Reginald "Red" Forman: See how smart you are.
Kitty Forman: My baby boy is all grown up and off visiting college. I am so frickin old!
Eric Forman: And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.

Eric Forman: There's my favorite co-ed, you all ready to go?
Donna Pinciotti: I can't go, my Dad's making me go to Marquette. He says it's a better school. Oh, and because it sounds French.
Eric Forman: Well, if it's a better school I should go too, right Dad?
Reginald "Red" Forman: No state schools are cheap. that's where you belong.
Eric Forman: Can't you take out a second mortgage on the house?
Reginald "Red" Forman: [Red and Hyde laugh] Not for you, dumbass.

Reginald "Red" Forman: [Fez has just helped load the luggage in the back of the Vista cruiser] Thanks for the help; you seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.

Reginald "Red" Forman: [reading the map] There's got to be at least one all male dormitory on this campus. Here we go. Between the chapel and School of Interior Design.

Donna Pinciotti: Donna
[on the phone]
Donna Pinciotti: Eric ?
Eric Forman: You hate Marquette so I think its safe to cross it right off the list.
Donna Pinciotti: Actually I love it, there's this English professor, he wears a beret and a collaroy jacket but he listens to Zeppelin.
Eric Forman: Well UW has a vending machine
[pauses]
Eric Forman: Donna I love you
Donna Pinciotti: I love you, bye.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [To Eric] You gonna cry too?
[Kitty's on the foot of the bed watching TV and crying]

Eric Forman: [about Donna and Marquette] She loves it there
Reginald "Red" Forman: We're all screwed; you think I want to be here nursing my lunatic wife from the brink and even if by some slimmer of hope you hang on to Donna, eventually she's going to turn into that
[Kitty]
Reginald "Red" Forman: and then a few years later you die
Eric Forman: [sarcastically] Thanks for the bedtime story

Kitty Forman: What a wonderful weekend, we should go away more often.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [to Hyde and Fez] They gotta make a pill for this.

Reginald "Red" Forman: [About UW] What is this place? Bare foot hippies playing Frisbee, barefoot hippies singing to trees.

Reginald "Red" Forman: What do you want?
Michael Kelso: Once again the explanation is pinned to my Lapel
Reginald "Red" Forman: [opens the envelope] Dear Mr and Mrs Forman, please give Michael 30 dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke, signed my parents
[Kitty laughs]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well you made her laugh, that's worth 30 bucks


"That '70s Show: Ramble On (#5.5)" (2002)
[Kitty is crying because she won't be able to have more kids]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh Kitty, it's okay. You've still got Eric. He's sort of a baby. I'll make him cry if you want.

Kitty Forman: Click damn it, click!
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty I think your lady problem's acting up again
Kitty Forman: No just the clicker is all, it's supposed to click, it's a clicker, that's what it does
Reginald "Red" Forman: I think its time for a nap
Eric Forman: Guys really important, Donna's coming over and I lost the ring she gave me
Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric your mother is having a nervous breakdown
Kitty Forman: The only thing having a breakdown is the clicker, why won't it click! Nothing loves me
Donna Pinciotti: [entering] Okay Eric, Jackie told me you hate the ring
Eric Forman: Oh, oh
Donna Pinciotti: I happen to think its beautiful, that's what a man ring looks like!
Eric Forman: Maybe I'm just not a man ring kind of guy, I mean I like man pants and man shirts
Donna Pinciotti: Why didn't you just tell me you hated it when I gave it to you, just give it back to me
Eric Forman: I absolutely will just as soon as I find it
Donna Pinciotti: What? How could you lose it! I told you it was a symbol of our loving freaking relationship!
Eric Forman: And my losing it symbolizes! How much I love and respect you?
[She leaves]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric quick get me compound presses and a bloody Mary, your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan I need help, move, damn it!

Donna Pinciotti: This entire room is an example of bad taste
[Kitty and Red walk into the living room]
Kitty Forman: Excuse me?
Donna Pinciotti: Mrs Forman?
Kitty Forman: I have spent years picking out every item of this room, surrounding myself with the things I love and the people I thought loved me
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty lets take a nap?
Kitty Forman: [To Red] And you have you fixed the damn clicker yet, what good is a clicker if it won't click!
[She throws it on the coffee table causing it to bounce onto the floor and stomps on it]

Michael Kelso: [Kelso's superhero fantasy]
Michael Kelso: [As Batman] Okay super pals I'm gonna need a status report
Steven Hyde: [As a wonder twin, stops making out with Jackie] My sensors indicate peace and quiet throughout the universe
Fez: [As Aquaman] The oceans are secure but I can't check for another 45 minutes because I just ate
Eric Forman: [As Superman entering with Donna as Wonder Woman] Hey guys
Michael Kelso: Oh no, you've been brainwashed and forced to wear this hideous ring
Donna Pinciotti: Actually its a gift
Steven Hyde: Form of worst gift ever
[Holds his fist out to the side]
Jackie Burkhart: [As the other wonder twin] Shape up, I hope he kept the receipt
Eric Forman: Alien zombies are attacking the Earth, lets swing into action gang
Michael Kelso: Hold it, we're still on this ring
Steven Hyde: Are you sure its not an alien artifact?
Donna Pinciotti: I got it at the mall
Reginald "Red" Forman: Greetings dumbasses
Eric Forman: Oh, oh, its Dr Bald
Reginald "Red" Forman: My army of alien zombies is invading, good lord that is an ugly ring, alien zombies get a load of that ring
Eric Forman: That's it, this thing's coming off
Steven Hyde: Careful man, you drop something that big and heavy, it'll throw off the Earth's rotation, we'll all go crashing into the sun
Michael Kelso: Yeah way to use science in a burn


"That '70s Show: Grandma's Dead (#1.23)" (1999)
Fez: Mister Red, always remember: a mother's goodness is carried on forever by her sons.
[Marty starts to cry]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Have you met my sister Marty?

[Red is seen from the point of view of Grandma Forman in her coffin]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well, Ma, I... oh, for God's Sake!
Funeral Director: Oh, sorry. Those should be closed.
[the funeral director closes Grandma Forman's eyes]

Kitty Forman: Now Red, honey, I-I don't think that you're really mad at Marty. I think you are just going through one of the five stages of dealing with death.
Reginald "Red" Forman: What are you talking about?
Kitty Forman: There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I have two stages: anger and drinking.

Reginald "Red" Forman: Okay, now here's the part where I get lost.


"That '70s Show: Christmas (#6.7)" (2003)
[Red has been assigned to be Santa Claus at the mall this year, and is not at all thrilled about it. He and Kitty are at the mall, dressed like Santa and Mrs. Santa. Bob wears elf costume]
Kitty Forman: [chuckles] Okay, Mr. Claus. Let's hear your best Santa laugh!
Reginald "Red" Forman: [dully] Ho, ho.
Bob Pinciotti: You left out a 'ho', Red. It's three ho's, did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty Forman: Okay Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".
[some time later]
Reginald "Red" Forman: So what do ya want for Christmas?
Young Boy #1: I want a slinky!
Reginald "Red" Forman: A slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas.
[the boy gapes]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Next!
Young Girl #1: I want a pony.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Ponies die.
[the girl is shocked]
Reginald "Red" Forman: What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
Little Girl #2: I want a flying car.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I did too when I was your age, kid. But then the future came... and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
[the girl gapes]
Kitty Forman: Okay, okay little girl, y'know what? I bet if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
[Kitty and the girl walk away]
Reginald "Red" Forman: [calling after them] Don't listen to her, it's a lie.
[Kitty turns to Red, glaring at him]
Kitty Forman: [chiding] Bad Santa!

[Red has just finished telling the boy his version of Vietnam War]
Reginald "Red" Forman: ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Young Boy #2: [confused] I don't understand.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [glumly] Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty Forman: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
[Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her]
Young Boy #2: What's an "ambush"?
Kitty Forman: [smiles] It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
[Red gets up and approaches Kitty]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty, I gotta tell ya, I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty Forman: Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a fire fight.
[Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Bob, what the hell are you doing?
Bob Pinciotti: You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!
Bob Pinciotti: I'm not moving.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [takes off his Santa hat] Kitty, hold my silly red hat.

Reginald "Red" Forman: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob Pinciotti: Tell ya what, you name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass!
Kitty Forman: [annoyed] Oh for goodness sake, why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it Assmas?
Bob Pinciotti: [gets up, sighing] Fine, I'll go. I only got worked up because Joanne's gone, Donna's working. The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.
[Red sighs and takes off his Santa suit]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Alright, fine. You wanna be Santa, go ahead.
Bob Pinciotti: [sits back] Thanks, Red.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah, it's all for the best. I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.
[the young boy returns with a cop. He points accusingly at Bob, mistakes him for Red]
Young Boy #2: There he is! Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.
[confused, Bob looks around]
Reginald "Red" Forman: [smiles] Gotta go, Santa!
[Red walks away, without correcting the boy's mistake of identity]
Kitty Forman: Merry Christmas, Bob.
[Kitty walks away]
Kitty Forman: [mumbles angrily] Mrs. Claus needs a drink.
[the cop approaches Bob, who still does not understand what the kid accused him of]


"That '70s Show: Bring It on Home (#5.19)" (2003)
[Kitty and Red think there's a burglar in their house]
Kitty Forman: What if the burglar has Steven?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well, then we'll try to talk him into taking Eric, too.

Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty, every time we have an empty room, you want to fill it up with a stray child.

Kitty Forman: What if it's a burglar?
Reginald "Red" Forman: What would a burglar want to steal from us?


"That '70s Show: Hunting (#2.13)" (2000)
Eric Forman: So where's Fez?
Bob Pinciotti: Kelso probably shot him.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh, I saw him walking into the woods right after we got here. Said he was going hunting. He had a whistle and a stick!
[starts laughs]
Bob Pinciotti: Ah, crazy foreign bastard.
[Fez walks up to them carrying two dead birds]
Fez: Let's eat.

Reginald "Red" Forman: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you always so damn nervous?
Eric Forman: Oh, hmm, I don't know, maybe it's because you've been yelling at me for seventeen years?

[Red made Eric touch a dead rabbit when he was six which caused him several nightmares]
Reginald "Red" Forman: I just thought that if you touched it, you wouldn't be afraid of it.
Eric Forman: Well, thank you, Dr. Spock!


"That '70s Show: Red Sees Red (#3.2)" (2000)
Kitty Forman: [to Laurie] Where do you think you're going?
Laurie Forman: To night church?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Sorry, curfews for everyone.
Laurie Forman: But Daddy!

Reginald "Red" Forman: Look what Eric and Steven did was bad but you sneaking around with Kelso that's just unpleasent.
Laurie Forman: But Daddy I'm not seeing Kelso.
Steven Hyde: Untrue!
Eric Forman: A damnable Lie!

Eric: I love the Bradys... hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
[both Eric and Hyde laugh]
Red: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
[Laurie storms out]
Hyde: That one's my favorite.


"That '70s Show: Jackie's Cheese Squeeze (#4.19)" (2002)
Kitty Forman: Why don't you just put the car in the garage?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Because if it's in the garage I can't see it from the dinner table. Kitty, don't give advice on things you know nothing about.
Kitty Forman: Ok, *I'm* the crazy one.

Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh, Kitty, I wouldn't leave you for the car. Who'd make dinner?

Reginald "Red" Forman: A bunch of birds threw a crap-on-my-Corvette party.


"That '70s Show: The Battle of Evermore (#5.17)" (2003)
Red Forman: You know, we're gettin' killed here thanks to you screwin' up that last event. All you had to do was build a cabin out of Lincoln Logs.
Eric: Well, I thought I'd score some extra points by building the Millennium Falcon.
Red Forman: A Millennium what? If that's a Star Wars thing, I'm going to kick you in the ass.
Eric: It's... not a Star Wars thing. It's a very rare falcon. That can do the Kessel Run in under six parsecs.

Red Forman: [walks out into the driveway] Sooooo... I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high-school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn. Let's get the hell outta here.

Kitty Forman: Help me with this crossword puzzle. I need a four letter word... for disappointment.
Red Forman: [dryly] Eric.


"That '70s Show: Uncomfortable Ball Stuff (#4.7)" (2001)
[Red feels Eric should talk to the girl that just asked him to dance]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Go talk to that girl before she comes to her senses and wants nothing to do with you.

Kitty Forman: [sympathetic] Oh, your dad's havin' a hard time without your mom, isn't he?
Reginald "Red" Forman: [looks sideways from his paper] Midge was the brains of that outfit?
[cackles]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh I'm - I'm sorry, Donna.
Eric Forman: [opens the door to the kitchen; enters] Sorry about what?
Reginald "Red" Forman: You, uh, get Donna bread and cheese.
Eric Forman: [confused] Okay.
Donna Pinciotti: [strokes dress Kitty is ironing as Eric is behind her getting bread and cheese] Oh, this is a really nice dress.
Kitty Forman: I know; isn't it fancy?
[laughs]
Kitty Forman: It's for the Pricemart Ball tomorrow night.
Eric Forman: Oh, right. The Pricemart Ball.
Kitty Forman: [sitting next to Red, who is back to reading his paper] So, who are you takin'? Who's the lucky lady?
Eric Forman: [holding bread; waving it sometimes for emphasis] Well, I decided not to go. Personal choice.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [not looking up from paper] You don't have a date, do ya?
Eric Forman: [Walking over, Donna mirroring his direction] Okay. You know what? It's not about "can I get a date?" It's about this great book that I'm like, halfway through. Plus, you know, I could get a date.
[Red laughs once]
Eric Forman: I got numbers, Buddy.
Kitty Forman: Sure you do, Honey. You're number 1 with me!
[laughs hysterically]
Reginald "Red" Forman: [looking up from paper] You're goin' tomorrow night. And you'd better not go stag, Eric. There's nothing worse than an 80-pound boy dancing with his mommy all night.
[Eric slightly rolls his eyes]
Donna Pinciotti: You know what?
[clears throat and takes Eric's arm to turn him to her]
Donna Pinciotti: I'll go. I told you I would, like, months ago.
Eric Forman: But that was before the... ugliness.
Donna Pinciotti: [ever-so-slightly dramatic] Eric, I'm over it.
[voice of realization; uppity]
Donna Pinciotti: Hey, I'm over it! Oh, I'm - I'm over it.
[Eric's eyes dart to and fro]
Donna Pinciotti: Plus, I mean, last year, they had all-you-can-eat shrimp.
Eric Forman: Well, I mean,
[snorts]
Eric Forman: you know, I'm over it. Hey, I'm over it. Yeah, I'm over it. I was just worried that you might think it was weird, us going out on a date, so, I mean, you know, the - the concern lay with you.
Donna Pinciotti: [amused] Eric, it's not a date!
Eric Forman: It's not. I know. I know it's not a date. It's not a date. It's a... shrimp fest. It's a festival of shrimp, if you will.
Donna Pinciotti: [nods, laughing] Exactly!
Eric Forman: Oh.
Donna Pinciotti: [still amused] I'll see you tomorrow night.
Eric Forman: [laughing] Okay.
[Donna leaves out the kitchen exit and Eric looks after her]
Kitty Forman: See, now, look. My little prince is going to the ball.
[smiles at Red and then goes back to her task; cut to credits]


"That '70s Show: I Can See for Miles (#6.11)" (2004)
Bob Pinciotti: [Bob gives Red a gift] Your welcome big guy.
Reginald "Red" Forman: What's this for?
Bob Pinciotti: No reason I have been thinking about you and how much we have been through a lot.
Reginald "Red" Forman: No we haven't.
[Opens box and finds out Bob gave him shoes.]
Kitty Forman: Oh he gave you shoes. What do you say Red?
Reginald "Red" Forman: [To Bob] What the hell's wrong with you?
Kitty Forman: Or we say thank you very much.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [To Bob] Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to be giving another man a pair of shoes?
Bob Pinciotti: I saw them. I thought they would go nice with your tan pants.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Quit thinking about my pants. My legs and what covers them is my business.

Reginald "Red" Forman: Shoes are an innaprorpiate gift to give to another man.
Kitty Forman: How about when you joined the service? Another man issued your boots.
Reginald "Red" Forman: So he gave me a gun so I let it go.
Kitty Forman: Why can't you just accept the gift because Bob is your friend?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty you don't understand how men work out. We dont give each other presents. We just basiclly ignore each other until we score a touchdown.


"That '70s Show: Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die (#3.4)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [on Fez getting hurt] So, you were chasing him on the roof because he took you're little rubber ball?
Eric Forman: No, it wasn't a ball, it was a super ball.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, you should see that thing bounce, it's pretty super.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [annoyed] Dumbasses.

Michael Kelso: Oh, I've seen this episode, see those guys think Grant's a secret agent? He's not, it's a case of mistaken identity.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Right, like you've mistaken me for someone who wants you here.


"That '70s Show: Bye Bye Basement (#4.5)" (2001)
[about redoing the basement]
Leo: Okay, we're all done.
Kitty Forman: But you've only been here a day.
Leo: You know what they say, Rome was built in a day.
Reginald "Red" Forman: No... Rome wasn't built in a day.
Leo: Oh... Your basement was built in a day.

Reginald "Red" Forman: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty Forman: I like you.


"That '70s Show: Red's Birthday (#2.10)" (1999)
[to Bob and Midge]
Reginald "Red" Forman: So, you two are going to save your marriage by dating strangers. Great.
Midge Pinciotti: When you say it like that, Red, it sounds stupid.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Okay, Midge, say it so it doesn't sound stupid.

Kitty Forman: Bob and Midge want to take us out to dinner tonight.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Bob and Midge? Kitty, it's my birthday!
Kitty Forman: I know but they like you and they want you to have fun on your birthday like I do.
Reginald "Red" Forman: If they really liked me they'd leave me alone.


"That '70s Show: Who Wants It More? (#3.11)" (2001)
Bob Pinciotti: Red, Red I'm so sorry It was an accident.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I never thought I'd say this. I'm glad you're my friend.
[Red hugs Bob]
Bob Pinciotti: Red I never thought I'd say this you smell nice.

Reginald "Red" Forman: [ticks his glass to get attention at the party he threw] Thanks for being here. And I just want to say, when my time comes, I want to be buried faced down so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass.


"That '70s Show: Red Fired Up (#2.24)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [about to give Earl his 'walking papers'] Eric, take your break anywhere but here.

Earl: I'm sorry I'm late Red, my dog got hit by a car.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Earl, your dog also got hit on Tuesday. Just how dumb is your dog?


"That '70s Show: We're Not Gonna Take It (#6.6)" (2003)
Eric: I'm going to get a high-paying job.
Reginald 'Red' Forman: Yeah, why don't you just go down to the 'Bureau of High-Paying Jobs'? It's right next to the 'Pie In The Sky' office.

Reginald 'Red' Forman: You told her about the marriage? We agreed never to speak of this evil to anyone!
Kitty Forman: Well, I had to tell a few people because I never thought I'd be able to say "Laurie got married" without adding "and the baby came early".


"That '70s Show: Street Fighting Man (#7.14)" (2005)
Crazy Fan: [to Eric] Looks like the Bears have pretty much lost, so why don't you just get lost
Reginald "Red" Forman: Look you've made your point, yes he's wearing the
[Bears]
Reginald "Red" Forman: shirt but he's my son
Crazy Fan: Son or daughter?
Eric Forman: You can say what you want about me but its not going to affect me
Crazy Fan: [To Red] Stay out of this baldy
Eric Forman: Hey watch what you say about my Dad
Crazy Fan: Oh yeah, who's going to make me?
Reginald "Red" Forman: I am
Eric Forman: No I am
[He knees the fan and then throws him into the ground pounding him, hits an elbow drop]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric's in a fight, no-one's here, no-one's going to believe me, why didn't I bring my camera!

Reginald "Red" Forman: [To Eric] Why the hell are you wearing a Bears shirt!How could you do this to me?
Donna Pinciotti: Maybe he doesn't understand why its wrong, let me say it to him in a way he'll understand
[To Eric]
Donna Pinciotti: the Packers are like the Jedi, you're wearing a Go Darth Vader shirt.


"That '70s Show: That '70s Finale (#8.22)" (2006)
Red Forman: And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote, it's called on "On the road to in your ass".

[Kelso walks into the living room with a big bottle rocket]
Michael Kelso: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red Forman: Sure and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
Steven Hyde: And that my friends, is the last foot-in-ass of the decade! Cheers!
Kitty Forman: Michael, I just... it's so good to see you. The girls in the emergency room where just asking about you.
Michael Kelso: You know, it's like I've been gone for so long, I almost forgot you're a hot Mom!
Kitty Forman: Oh! Hahahahaha!
Red Forman: You know what else it hot?... My foot when it's in your ass.
Steven Hyde: Look at that. He got one more in him.


"That '70s Show: That '70s Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [to Eric] If I find one beer can in that car, it's over.
Kitty Forman: And no donuts either.
[Red looks at Kitty puzzled]
Kitty Forman: Ants.

Bob Pinciotti: Red, a Toyota?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah, it's mine. I tell you the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.


"That '70s Show: Crazy Little Thing Called Love (#8.17)" (2006)
Kitty Forman: [Discussing possible retirement activities with Red] Well you know, you could take a trip. When Amy O'Brien's husband retired, they went to see the nutcracker museum in Rhode Island. We don't have to go some place that fancy, but there is that cave in West Virginia I've been wanting to see.
Steven Hyde: That's a good idea, Red. You and Kitty should travel - you know, see the world.
Reginald 'Red' Forman: I saw the world when I was in the Navy. It shot at me.

Reginald 'Red' Forman: I have to say, I looked forward to retirement as much as I looked forward to playing catch with my son. And both of them have left me bitterly disappointed.


"That '70s Show: Eric's Burger Job (#1.5)" (1998)
[Practicing for a job interview]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Stand up straight
Eric: [shaking his hand] Hello I'm Eric Forman
Reginald "Red" Forman: Not loose, firm, not sloppy like a fish, try it again
Eric: [shaking his hand] Hello I'm Eric Forman
Reginald "Red" Forman: Bend into it
Eric: Stand up straight and hold a fish
Reginald "Red" Forman: Don't be a smart mouth
Eric: Okay
[shaking his hand]
Eric: hello I'm Eric Forman
Reginald "Red" Forman: And?
Eric: Eric; And?
Kitty Forman: Maybe you could mention your Junior achievement experience
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty they could give a rat's ass about that
Kitty Forman: Maybe your honorable mention for the science award
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty?
Kitty Forman: Right rat's ass
Reginald "Red" Forman: Don't slouch
Eric: Wouldn't that go under the stand up straight category?
Reginald "Red" Forman: See that's a smart mouth comment; you're fired Mr Smart mouth! That's how that works

Eric: Dad I'm quitting my job
Reginald "Red" Forman: You're quitting?
Eric: I'm quitting, I'm a quitter and I coldn't hit a cow over the head with a hammer
Reginald "Red" Forman: Everybody quits their first job, it's no big deal
Eric: I gotta say I'm a little disappointed Dad
Reginald "Red" Forman: It wasn't a man's job anyway
Kitty Forman: Red
Reginald "Red" Forman: Come on Kitty it wasn't a man's job, it was a hairnet, name tag, nothing kind of a job
Eric: Well I'm quitting
Reginald "Red" Forman: It's a good thing too, it was cutting into your chores, you did a half assed job on that driveway
Kitty Forman: I think he did a wonderful job
Reginald "Red" Forman: [not looking up from his newspaper] Didn't look wonderful to me
Kitty Forman: [standing up] Sweep it yourself then


"That '70s Show: Baby Fever (#3.7)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric, what have I told you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric Forman: That it's offensive to the devil?

Kitty Forman: Oh, look how sweet this baby is. Just hold it.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Look, Kitty, I didn't touch our kids when they were babies and I'm not touching this one.


"That '70s Show: Kiss of Death (#2.20)" (2000)
Red Forman: It's funny how you always manage to pull up the car right up to the garage, but not in it
Eric: Yeah it takes a keen eye and a sure foot
Red Forman: Would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?


"That '70s Show: After Glow (#2.17)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: We should celebrate! Come on, Kitty, let's get you pregnant!
Kitty Forman: [hits him]
Reginald "Red" Forman: I'm kidding! You know I can barely stand the kids we have!


"That '70s Show: Going to California (#5.1)" (2002)
[Red, Kitty and Eric are eating supper]
Reginald "Red" Forman: You wanna go to California to get Donna?
Kitty Forman: You can't go to California.
Eric Forman: But I have to tell Donna I love her and... that she should be back here with me.
Kitty Forman: Oh, well, that's sweet. I think it would sound especially good on the phone, but don't call till after 7:00, when the rates go down.
Eric Forman: I can't call her. I mean... if Luke Skywalker...
[Red sighs, tired of hearing Eric's nonstop references to Star Wars]
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that. I'm sick of hearing about that little fruit.
Eric Forman: [upset] Luke Skywalker is NOT...! He and Leia clearly...! I...
[Eric calms down]
Eric Forman: [quietly] Mom, Dad. This is important.
Reginald "Red" Forman: No. No California. You know what's important? School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Kitty Forman: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.


"That '70s Show: Heartbreaker (#5.4)" (2002)
Eric Forman: Mum I'm really sorry, I know how much you wanted a baby, I 'm not sure what to say mainly because I don't really know what menopause is, are you going to lose your hair?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Shut up, she's not losing anything, from time to time, a woman's body, Kitty explain it to the boy
Bea Sigurdson: I'm just going to get some orange juice
Eric Forman: Mum maybe you should talk to Grandma about this
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah we're just a couple of ignoramuses
Kitty Forman: Go
Eric Forman: [As they're leaving] Is it? Is it a lady parts thing?
Reginald "Red" Forman: We'll look it up in the World book


"That '70s Show: Rip This Joint (#7.6)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty, how could you have a party without telling me?
Eric Forman: Maybe that's because every time she tells you, you go through five stages: anger, fury, rage, super-rage, and finally - cursing God for bringing you into this world.


"That '70s Show: My Fairy King (#8.16)" (2006)
Reginald 'Red' Forman: But, all I know is, when life finally gives you a break from the crapstorm, the best thing that you you can do, is crack open a beer with a friend.


"That '70s Show: Killer Queen (#8.12)" (2006)
Red Forman: [on valentine's day, after getting caught by Kitty] It's more of a vast inventory of love
Kitty Forman: Well you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass!
[Red looks shocked]
Kitty Forman: Yeah! I can do that too!


"That '70s Show: Laurie and the Professor (#2.4)" (1999)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well I just wished that more teachers cared about their students like you do. I think it all started going downhill when youn couldn't paddle the kids anymore.
Eric: [Eric laughs] Pansy-ass supreme court.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Shut up.


"That '70s Show: Red and Stacey (#4.10)" (2001)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [to Eric] This isn't yelling when I yell you'll know it.


"That '70s Show: Eric Gets Suspended (#2.9)" (1999)
Eric: [Eric is caught holding Donna's cigarette and Red is going to make him smoke a whole pack to punish him] Dad, I don't smoke! I give you my word!
Reginald "Red" Forman: Your word, huh?
Reginald "Red" Forman: What a load of crap! Light up!


"That '70s Show: Garage Sale (#2.1)" (1999)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [after eating Hyde's special brownies] I like that word, "hip". It kinda pops, you know. Hip. Hi-puh. Hi-puh! I can see my own mouth!


"That '70s Show: Who Are You (#6.15)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty for the last time I am not attracted to Pam.


"That '70s Show: No Quarter (#5.20)" (2003)
Red: It's good to know that the National Guard was getting a good night sleep while I was in the South Pacific dodging bullets and using coral for toilet paper.


"That '70s Show: Love, Wisconsin Style (#4.27)" (2002)
Reginald 'Red' Forman: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together and you said no.
Eric Forman: I said no.
Reginald 'Red' Forman: You said no?
Kitty Forman: Dumb-ass!
Eric Forman: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
Kitty Forman: What could they be? What could they possibly be?
Eric Forman: Casey dumps her and comes back to me? Okay, I'm not a rebound.
Reginald 'Red' Forman: So your too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete. The only smart thing about you is your mouth. And look at you.
Kitty Forman: Red... Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid! I'm... I'm very upset.
Eric Forman: Well, stop, okay? Because, I already feel bad enough as it is.
Kitty Forman: Well, you should.
Eric Forman: Well, I do!


"That '70s Show: First Date (#1.16)" (1999)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
Eric Forman: Come on, dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]


"That '70s Show: You Can't Always Get What You Want (#7.9)" (2004)
Eric Forman: I don't want to wake up in five years and hate my life.
Reginald "Red" Forman: That's unavoidable.


"That '70s Show: Eric's Hot Cousin (#4.14)" (2002)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Penny, you're cold. Go put on a sweat shirt.


"That '70s Show: Reefer Madness (#3.1)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [to Hyde after yelling at him for taking the blame for Jackie having dope] If you ever do anything like that again I'll kick your ass until your nose starts to bleed.
Kitty Forman: And we love you for it.


"That '70s Show: Thanksgiving (#1.9)" (1998)
Red: Eric, Donna just came through here looking very upset. Did you have something to do with this?
Eric: What? No- Oh you already know.
Red: Yes I already know.
Eric: Look it's just that all these things always happen to me. It's like I have bad luck or something.
Red: Son, all these bad things don't happen to you because you have bad luck; they happen to you because you're a dumbass.


"That '70s Show: Sunday, Bloody Sunday (#1.10)" (1998)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric, I love your grandmother very, very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.


"That '70s Show: Kitty's Birthday (That's Today?!) (#3.17)" (2001)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [looking out at the square dance floor] It looks like "Hee-Haw" threw up in here.


"That '70s Show: When the Levee Breaks (#5.15)" (2003)
Eric Forman: Hey, Dad, it's my life, okay? I'm grown up now.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [sarcastically] Grown up? Well, you sure say that a lot so it must be true. Let me try it: "Hey everybody, I'm Mr. Rogers!" But wait! I'm not wearing a sweater. And I'm about to kick your ass!


"That '70s Show: Squeeze Box (#6.20)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Alright, I admit that we saw Pam's... them.
[Hyde nods. Kitty scowls]
Reginald "Red" Forman: But it's not like planned it.
Steven Hyde: Although our timing couldn't have been better.
Jackie Burkhart: Oh, I think you mean "worse", Steven.
Steven Hyde: No, I'm pretty sure I meant "better".


"That '70s Show: Eric's Birthday (#1.2)" (1998)
Kitty Forman: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Red Forman: Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.
Eric: I want a cassette player for the car. A cassette player, not an 8 track. NOT an 8 track. Okay?
Kitty Forman: Why don't they put record players in cars?
Red Forman: OK, Eric, if you don't want an 8 track, you won't get one.
Kitty Forman: Oh, but Red, he wants one.
Eric: No, I don't. I don't want an 8 track.
Red Forman: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for a genuine GM car.


"That '70s Show: Hey Hey What Can I Do (#5.18)" (2003)
Kitty Forman: So, how's the day goin'?
Reginald 'Red' Forman: [smiles] Well, let's see. I interviewed fifteen potential employees: ten dumbasses, four cretins and a momma's boy.
Kitty Forman: I vote for the momma's boy. I think they're sweet.


"That '70s Show: Baby Don't You Do It (#6.14)" (2004)
[Red, Kitty and Bob are furious at Eric and Donna, for lying to the pastor that they are virgins]
Kitty Forman: [sarcastically] Oh, look! It's Eric and Donna! Did everyone know they're virgins?
[awkward silence. Hyde looks funnily at Eric and Donna]
Kitty Forman: I think I wanna be a virgin too. Hey, everyone! I'm a virgin! Ha-ha-ha! Well, I said that, so it must be true.
Eric Forman: OK, I know this seems really bad, but I've got a really simple way to fix that: just start going to a different church. Hey, how about that one where they sing more and let you marry, like, six people?
Steven Hyde: Hey, Red, tell me the story about how Eric and Donna had to stand up in front of the whole church and pretend to be virgins.
Reginald "Red" Forman: [angrily] Once upon a time, two dumbasses went to church and brought shame upon their entire family, and their father had to hear about it - the whole damn car ride home!
Steven Hyde: That's a great story. It's scary, but it's funny too.


"That '70s Show: We Will Rock You (#8.18)" (2006)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well what do you say we all sit down and watch the Packers kick the crap out of the Vikings, huh?
Josh: We like the Vikings.
Reginald "Red" Forman: What did you say? You're Vikings fans? What the hell is wrong with you? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Josh: Red, come on, it's not our fault. We're from Minnesota.
Jeff: We were born this way.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Out! Out! Sickos!


"That '70s Show: Can't You Hear Me Knocking (#7.13)" (2005)
Steven Hyde: Seriously Jackie don't you have something to say?
Jackie Burkhart: Like what?
Steven Hyde: I don't know, I'm a spoilt, crazy whack job and I'm sorry
Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady
Michael Kelso: Especially a spoilt crazy whack job, that's likely to get you killed
Reginald "Red" Forman: [entering] Oh my god, there's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even that's going to ruin my day
Eric Forman: Yes only one and one man only has the power to do that, tis I
Reginald "Red" Forman: No not even you can do that and who the hell talks like that
Kitty Forman: Red, honey you were happy remember?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing
Kitty Forman: I'll come too, I'll grab my fishing stick
Reginald "Red" Forman: I don't want to go
Kitty Forman: Why not?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Because I don't want you to go
Michael Kelso: [using a golf stick like a shotgun] Burn


"That '70s Show: Let's Spend the Night Together (#7.2)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [to Kelso] I am gonna kill you and mount your head on the TV. And if it helps me get better reception, it'll do more for me than you have your whole life!


"That '70s Show: It's Only Rock and Roll (#7.5)" (2004)
Eric Forman: Mom, maybe you should stop worrying about everyone else so much and start thinking about yourself. Maybe you should find something to enrich your life. Oh, may I suggest the teachings of the Jedi?
Reginald "Red" Forman: And may I suggest the footing of your ass?
[Eric waves his hand, imitating Obi-Wan Kenobi's gesture of mind trick]
Eric Forman: This is not the ass you're looking for.


"That '70s Show: Time Is on My Side (#7.1)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [talking to Eric at breakfast] I've started to notice something about you. You're STILL HERE.


"That '70s Show: Ice Shack (#3.10)" (2001)
Red Forman: Son... there's something you should know... you're an idiot.
Eric: Um... nice... pep talk.


"That '70s Show: Love of My Life (#8.21)" (2006)
House shopper: [as Red shows them around] Is there a bathroom upstairs?
Reginald "Red" Forman: [straightfaced] Naw, we just whiz off the roof.


"That '70s Show: Sally Simpson (#6.12)" (2004)
Red Forman: Bob's just kinda goofy, like a cartoon. It's kinda like living next to Elmer Fudd.


"That '70s Show: Hot Dog (#5.7)" (2002)
[about Kitty's menopause]
Red Forman: Jesus Christ. What can I do about it? She's insane.
Bob Pinciotti: You know, you should get her a banjo.
Red Forman: What?
Bob Pinciotti: You can't hold a banjo and not smile!
Red Forman: Bob, you can't hold a potato chip and not smile.
Bob Pinciotti: [smiles]


"That '70s Show: The Crunge (#5.10)" (2002)
Kitty Forman: Maybe this SAT thing is a blessing. It'll make a funny story to tell when Eric's a senator.
Reginald 'Red' Forman: The word you're looking for is "janitor".


"That '70s Show: Hyde's Christmas Rager (#3.9)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty, put that out.
Kitty Forman: [Red moves towards Kitty to take the ciggarette] Back off, Grinch.


"That '70s Show: Gimme Shelter (#7.20)" (2005)
Michael Kelso: We found one place yesterday that was perfect, but we can't get it 'cause Fez and the landlord are having a feud.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well, you're not spending another night under my roof. So come on, we're gonna have a chat with this landlord. What's this guy got against you anyway?
Fez: I don't know, that's like asking you why you hate commies. You don't know why. You just do.
Reginald "Red" Forman: I know exactly why I hate commies. They wouldn't stop shooting at me!


"That '70s Show: Parents Find Out (#2.19)" (2000)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [as Jackie tries to cheer Kitty up, after Kitty learns Eric and Donna are "sexually active"] Jackie? Oh, good, you're here. Now get out.
Jackie Burkhart: I'm trying to help.
Reginald "Red" Forman: You wanna help? Go make me a sandwich.


"That '70s Show: Hyde Moves In (#1.24)" (1999)
Red Forman: G** damn it! I'm tired of being f***ing Santa Claus!


"That '70s Show: Romantic Weekend (#3.16)" (2001)
Kitty Forman: Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric Forman: Yes.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric Forman: I can't lie. Yes. Yes they are.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Right answer. That was a trick question. I know they're dumb.


"That '70s Show: Radio Daze (#3.14)" (2001)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [watching "Gilligan's Island", as Kitty looks on in disdain] Awwww... Gilligan screwed it up. - Why don't they just kill him?


"That '70s Show: The Keg (#1.6)" (1998)
Kitty Forman: Now who would like a drink?
Bob Pinciotti: Oooh, let's do daiquiris, huh?
Kitty Forman: Oooh, I don't know if we have enough ice. Eric took a whole tubful.
Reginald "Red" Forman: He took a tub of ice?
Kitty Forman: Oh, the kids are making a volcano.
Midge Pinciotti: Right, that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Plastic cups?
Midge Pinciotti: Sure, plastic volcano cups!


"Robot Chicken: Gold Dust Gasoline (#1.3)" (2005)
Reginald 'Red' Forman: Kitty, my iPod's busted! I'm gonna shove my foot straight up Steve Jobs' ass!
Kitty Forman: Oh, hush Red! I'm blogging!
Reginald 'Red' Forman: In Korea, you could get a good 'blogging' for five American dollars!
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey!
[laughs]


"That '70s Show: Eric's Drunken Tattoo (#3.22)" (2001)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty, where's the Band-Aids? Cut my thumb with a hacksaw.
Kitty Forman: Red, you know those things are dangerous.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Well, I tried cutting a metal pipe with a flower, but it was real slow going.


"That '70s Show: Punk Chick (#1.22)" (1999)
[to Hyde, who wants to quit school and go to New York]
Reginald "Red" Forman: What are you going to put on your resume? Dumbass?


"That '70s Show: I'm a Boy (#6.8)" (2004)
Reginald "Red" Forman: [agitated] You want to know why I'm unpleasant? I just had a heart attack. And now I have to be driven around like a useless dope by the idiot that married my daughter and gave me the heart attack in the first place. And I am also unpleasant because I just spent the entire day cooped up in the car breathing that mustard gas you call cologne! But mostly, I'm unpleasant because that's how it works in this family.
Fez: I'm family?
Reginald "Red" Forman: Oh, crap.


"That '70s Show: You Shook Me (#5.22)" (2003)
Reginald 'Red' Forman: Why's the dog on the counter?
Kitty Forman: He likes to be tall.


"That '70s Show: Drive in (#1.8)" (1998)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Eric is that Kid from not America down here?
Eric Forman: Dad it's Fez!
Reginald "Red" Forman: Yeah whatever! The Erdmans called and they they want him to Go Home! Kelso stop saying Porno!
Michael Kelso: I didn't say it Mr. Foreman. Fez did!
Fez: [to Kelso] You are a bitch!
[leaves]


"That '70s Show: I Can't Quit You Babe (#5.2)" (2002)
Reginald "Red" Forman: Now, Eric, hand over the keys to the Vista Cruiser.
Eric Forman: What? Dad, no. The Cruiser's my Bat-Mobile. Without it, I'm just a guy in a silly outfit.


"That '70s Show: Water Tower (#1.21)" (1999)
Laurie Forman: Oh, for God's sake! Eric saw you guys doing it!
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. Were your father and I having intercourse?
Eric: [shocked] Mom!
Laurie Forman: Oh, well, no wonder you have been acting so strange. Red, say something to the boy.
Red Forman: Oh! Ummm... It's more fun than it looks.


"That '70s Show: The Kids Are Alright (#6.1)" (2003)
Kitty Forman: And Eric, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.
Eric: Mom please, I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing...
Red Forman: Will you shut up!


"That '70s Show: Streaking (#1.3)" (1998)
[about President Ford]
Kitty Forman: You voted for Gerald Ford.
Reginald "Red" Forman: Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.


"That '70s Show: A Legal Matter (#6.10)" (2004)
Red Forman: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red Forman: I didn't understand a word you said. But I heard "Nazi bastards", and that's good enough for me.


"That '70s Show: Sweet Lady (#8.10)" (2006)
Red Forman: See, that's the thing about marriage. No one tells you about the three rings. There's the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering