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: And by the way, Miss Sugarbaker, I just want you to know we were all absolutely devastated over your husband's untimely death. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I'm not sure how untimely it was, he was 76! Anyway, there's no reason to be sad. He lived a wonderful life and never suffered unless I wanted him to.
: Oh by the way, I had to let the air out of somebody's tire, he was parking in Ray's old spot. Now, it was a blue Chevrolet with a little handicapped sticker in the back. If anyone calls about it, you tell them not to park there again, that's our spot. Jennifer Malone
: You let the air out of a handicapped person's tire? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Yes, I did. You know, they have thier own parking spaces now, so they certainly don't have any business pulling into dead people's spots!
: Somebody from the White House called and said the President wants you to go jogging with him. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I can't go, I don't jog. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Why not? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Because I'm very voluptuous! I mean, there's enough stuff going on just when I walk. If I JOG, I might take out a couple of Secret Service agents!
: If you go on Crossfire and they're gonna start asking you those questions like, oh - do you pay social security taxes on your maid? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I just pay her cash. What she does with it is her own business. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, please! Now that's gonna be in every paper in the country! Sapphire will tear you apart. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I don't think so, I don't think she even takes the paper. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Who are you talking about? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I'm talking about my maid, Sapphire. Who are you talking about? Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, I'm talking about Bill Sapphire, the columnist. You have a black maid named Sapphire? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Yes, I do. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Are you aware that that is a racial stereotype, like Amos 'n Andy? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Look, I can't help what it is. Sapphire's her damned name and she's too old to change it now!
: We've got to return that "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" tape. We were looking at that the other night and that Jimmy Stewart is just as cute as a button! Sissy Emerson
: Ha! Obviously you don't know that he used to whip those boys of his unmercifully. Jennifer Malone
: I thought that was Bing Crosby. Sissy Emerson
: Oh. Yeah, right. Oh then - oh, it was Jimmy Stewart that did not have any friends. Or maybe that was Martha Stewart. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Yes sir, maybe that was Martha Washington! Sissy Emerson
: She was a lesbian, right?
: Have you ever heard of The Donner Party? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: No. It doesn't mean I wasn't invited though, I get lots of invitations.
: There's at least 30 Congressmen calling for a full investigation and/or resignation, not to mention The Journal, The Times and The Post. Sissy Emerson
: And don't forget, Penthouse wants to know if she has any wedding night videos. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I'm sorry but I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like I went out and whacked some ice skater on the knee!
: I thought being rich was the American dream, you know, something to aspire to. My goodness, rich people are the ones who built this country! At least they built most of the really nice stores.
: Now I've been told that Washington is a place where you have to fit in. Well, I'm a person who likes to stand out.
: If Mr. Smith came to Washington today, you people would beat the hell out of him!
: I just wanted you to know I think you're wonderful. And I know it isn't true, but if you were a lesbian, I'd be proud to be your lover - and I'm not even gay! Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, that's enough of that kinda talk!
: My five husbands left me plenty of money! And I'm sure I'll marry again. Or as my grandmother used to say, "Honey, if you ever need a million dollars, just remember, you're sitting on it!"
: I've gotta find somebody to do my makeup and hair. I sure don't want that two-dollar guy Ross Perot uses. He's always braggin' about the price; he looks like a damn leprechaun!
: This is not scandal! I mean, look at that Prince Charles over in England. Now, I'm sorry but I think what he said is a whole lot worse than what I said! Natalie Hollingsworth
: What are you talking about? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I'm just making a comparison, Natty. The man apparently told that Camilla Parker whatshername that he wants to be a tampon. Now I'm sorry, but I think once you've said something like that, you give up your right to be the King of England! Natalie Hollingsworth
: Suzanne, you know since coming here you have, hmmm... diminished all women as sexual commodities, slandered homosexuals, insulted blacks and bragged about being rich. Now, while it is true that you did not express a desire to be a tampon, I fail to see how that's a cause for rejoicing or a negation of your other comments.
: Now I've said a lot of things this week that are politically incorrect, but then so am I. My maid is black, my daughter's adopted, my brother's retarded and I myself am five-times married, fat, not zaftig, big-mouthed, Southern and rich! Newly rich which, if you ask me, is the best kind to be because it means you earned it yourself.
: Whenever it comes to stopping affairs, never talk to the man. It's just like when the gas company wants to discontinue service, they never turn off an appliance, they always go to the source!
: Now my rule is, you've done your job right if a man leaves your house breathin' hard and walkin' funny. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Well I, for one, would like to distance myself from this philosophy. I find it disgusting! It makes women sexual commodities. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, you can call it whatever you like, Natty, but I'm just tellin' you men respect pain. They like it! That's why they watch football. That's why they like me.
: You know, Jerry and I were high school sweethearts and we'd never been with anyone else and now he's openly chasing women! It's like I don't know him anymore, like some one or some thing has taken control of his brain! Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I'll tell you exactly what it is. Testosterone. Where men are concerned, testosterone is the root of all evil! Now, my dog Randy was doing the exact same thing. I took him in, had him clipped, never had another problem.
: You know, Jerry and I were married when we were 18 and it's been 20 years since I even had a date. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, fortunately for you, you got us, and I would venture to say that we have a hell of a lot of experience and good advice under our belts to share with you. Wouldn't you all agree? Sissy Emerson
: Oh, sure. I've never had a successful relationship, you've been married five times and her boyfriend's in prison. When it comes to finding the wrong men we're like scud missiles.
: When a man puts his hands somewhere, there should be consequences depending on the location.
: I don't care if you're walking down the runway at Miss America or sitting around the Oval Office, nothing will make people turn on you faster than having big, white thighs! And this I know for a fact.
: Suzanne, having dinner with the President is an opportunity only about 1 in 250 million Americans is ever given. I don't think we can afford to make a mistake here. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Excuse me, Natty, but trust me when I tell you this is one thing you do not have to worry about. Just for your information, I have personally hosted over 200 dinner parties while traveling the beauty pageant circuit. Natalie Hollingsworth
: You know, I have never known anyone like you. It's like your only frame of reference is these beauty pageants, like you were born in that little glass isolation booth in Atlantic City.
: Well, that was Jamie Farr. You know, he used to play Klinger on M*A*S*H. You can put a star next to his name on the guest list, Malone! Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, isn't that wonderful? Now all we need to invite is Mr. Ed and our sitcom contingent will be complete. Sissy Emerson
: Come on, Natty. I'm sick and tired of hearing about how terrible it would be if someone who worked on a sitcom could have dinner with the President. A sitcom is nothing but a little play and, if you ask me, some of them are pretty damn good. In fact, M*A*S*H was better written, more enlightening and entertaining than half the things I've seen at The Kennedy Center or on Broadway. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, who rattled your chain? Sissy Emerson
: No one. It's just that I've been sober for several weeks now and apparently I'm starting to sound more intelligent.
: You know what they're gonna say, don't ya? They're gonna say, "President Taft, the fattest man who ever lived in the White House slept in Lincoln's bed, but it took Suzanne Sugarbaker to break it!"
Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: Men like Danny are just not walking the streets. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: That's good, because men like him would be bumping into each other.
Mary Jo Shively
: I think we can all agree that Dan Hedgecock has every good quality in the book. There's just one little, tiny thing that's a matter with him. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: That he's blind. Mary Jo Shively
: No, that he wants to go out with you. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I'm sorry, but I can't go out with every man that asks me. If I did there'd be a backed up waiting list from about 1972.
: I know you can be selfish sometimes. A tiny bit vain, petty... Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Anthony, there better be a 'but' coming up around now. I'm starting to feel that these honest, heart felt talks are just highly overrated.
: Why don't you just sit down over here and tell us all about yourself, Velma? Veda Walkman
: It's Veda. Like "Vegas" but with a "d" and without the "g" and the "s."
: So, Vega, what's the deal here? You got lunch or what? Veda Walkman
: Vega! You kill me! That's hi-larious. It's "vay-duh." Why do you have so much trouble with my name? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Cuz your name's weird and so are you.
: I just don't understand young people today. I mean, why would you want a ring stickin' through your nose or your navel? Like some of those models who get stuff shot in their lips. I mean, I don't understand that either, where does that come from? Do you just wake up one morning and look in the mirror and go, "You know, I think I'll make my lips the size of Florida"?
Representative Kirby Seizmore
: Look, I am sorry, this is not some little beauty contest where you can win me over with your big knockers and dazzling smile. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Really? Cuz I gotta tell you, I have been wondering.
[When her diary is subpoenaed, Suzanne tries to get Anthony to dispose of it
] Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Do you know O.J. Simpson? Anthony Bouvier
: No, I do not know O.J. Simpson. Why do you think all black people know each other? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I don't know. I just think he obviously found a very good place for his clothes and that knife. Anthony Bouvier
: Alleged clothes and knife. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Whatever. It'd just be so great if I could just stick my diary with his stuff!
: She even made that cute little rodeo shirt for my dog, Randy. He loves it too, wears it all the time! Sissy Emerson
: Did it ever occur to you that it might be because he can't undo the buttons?
: I tried my best to be charming. They asked me about the crime bill and I gave what I thought was a real cute answer. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Why are my palms beginning to sweat? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I just explained that I'm all for that three strikes thing, but I think we should be just as hard on the women as we are on the men - especially all those Lorena Bobbitt imitators. I mean, I'm sorry but fair is fair. I say, two balls and you're out! Sissy Emerson
: And this was not well-received?
Mary Jo Shively
: [to Julia
] I need you to show me how you do what you do. Julia Sugarbaker
: I'm not sure exactly what that is. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Oh get serious Julia. They don't call you the terminator for nothin'.
Mary Jo Shively
: [Mary Jo wants to practice becoming angry
] Let's all think of somethin' that really makes us mad. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Oh, oh! I've got one. This just makes me furious. You know when men use women's liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for them. Oh I just hate that! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug! Julia Sugarbaker
] I don't think i can add anything to that.
: I think these pantyhose are too dark for this dress. Julia Sugarbaker
: Oh, my goodness. Suzanne, do something. That could be embarrassing. I mean, in 45 minutes when the finest people in Georgia are gathered here before me, I wouldn't want anyone to say, "Did you see that woman with her head stuck in the staircase? Yes. That woman the Governor just stepped over? Don't you think her pantyhose are a little dark for her dress?" Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Now, listen, I have a lighter pair right here. Julia Sugarbaker
: Suzanne, of all the experiences I would like to avoid, I believe having my pantyhose changed in the front hallway of the Governor's Mansion would rank right up there.
: You know, I'm sorry, but I don't think we like your tone of voice. Who do think you're talking to? For your information, we are the Sugarbaker sisters of Atlanta. We had people living here long before it burned. Our great great grandfather was Robert E Lee's roommate in college. Our other grandfather helped write the Georgia constitution. I, myself, have stood in the rose garden with Jimmy Carter. So, even if we do, on the particular day, happen to have our head temporarily stuck in a fence, we are not going to take any crap off some 2-bit low level bureaucratic usherette.
: In case you haven't noticed, breasts like these don't grow on trees!
: So that's basically it, I mean, there's nothing left to say. It was just one of those things! Natalie Hollingsworth
: One of those things? I ask you to do me a simple favor, you end up molesting my boyfriend and burning his cottage to the ground!
: Oh, hey, how 'bout one of them? No, wait, forget it. 2 guys, 1 cart, fresh pasta... figure it out.
: [Mary Jo is about to junk her dating tips book
] Now wait a minute. That book's guaranteed. I think if it doesn't work, they are supposed to give you your money back. Mary Jo Shively
: Oh, they're going to return my money? How about a refund on my pride and self-respect? Suzanne
: No, those are gone for good.
: I would think you would use your popularity and influence for good instead of evil. Anthony Bouvier
: It's a changing world, Suzanne. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I do not care for it.
: What was that like having a hillbilly Thanksgiving? Did you have turkey? Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: No, possom! Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Okay, okay, I was just asking. Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: You are always just asking. I curse the day I ever told you we had an outhouse.
: Haven't you ever heard of Darwin? Julia
: You mean Darwin Sanders? The man who used to take care of our lawn? Suzanne
: No, Silly, Charles Darwin. Don't you people ever read? Julia
: Yes, Suzanne, yes. We do. But you don't, so I thought... well... go on.
: [On the phone with Charlene
] I just want to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now the whole jury is sequestered 'til Lord only knows when and I am here in motel hell sharing a room with a woman with no lips. Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: Now Julia, you sound overwrought. Julia Sugarbaker
: Yeah, well you're going to think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter because of this you're gonna pay and I mean pay big! I'm gonna find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talkin' about you runnin' around in the woods in the snow with bloodhounds rippin' your clothes off! And remember Charlene, I have your address. You'll be wise to ask yourself do I know where my baby is! Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: [Julia has hung up
] Julia! Julia?
[Hanging up the phone
] Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia. Mary Jo Shively
: What did she say? Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: She said she's gonna hunt me down and hire bloodhounds to rip my clothes off. Now I, I- I thought the judge was just gonna give her a warning, I didn't know she'd be shut up in a motel room. Now Suzanne, you know Julia, I mean when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and, and- and forgive me, dontcha think? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell outta town.
: Just remember, Clareton is not the only school in Atlanta. Charlene Frazier Stillfield
: What are you trying to say? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: What she's trying to say is: you're stupid too. I get that all the time. They think just because we got extra help in the boob department, we got skimped on everything else.
: Julia! Why, you look awful! What happened to you? Julia Sugarbaker
: [stumbling down the stares from her hangover
] I look awful because I feel awful. And I feel awful because last night Reese Watson and I drank all the champagne in Georgia. Then, we got married. Mary Jo Shively
: You got what? Julia Sugarbaker
: Married. You know,husband and wife, bride and groom, *BALL* and *CHAIN*!
: What is this 'Littlest Angels' stuff, anyway? Mary Jo
: It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: A training bra? You little people have to train yours and you call us dumb?
: [trying to find a dress for the class reunion
] Maybe I have gained a little weight. I don't think it's that noticeable. I mean, it's not like I'm going to enter the banquet room followed by a tidal wave. I'll just wear something that, you know, covers everything up. Julia Sugarbaker
: Well okay, but you've gained a little weight in your face too. Julia Sugarbaker
: Okay that's it! I don't have to take this. If I wanted to be insulted I could have stayed at home and waited for a crank call! Anyway, you all have certainly made your point. I'll just be going now. That is if you think the streets of Atlanta can stand the strain of *both* me and my Mercedes. Anthony Bouvier
: Hey Suzanne! You're just the person I'm looking for. How would you like to sign up for a two day food fast? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: How would you like fat lip?!