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Klaus
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Quotes for
Klaus (Character)
from "American Dad!" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"American Dad!: Rough Trade (#1.17)" (2006)
Klaus: If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's g-string.

Stan Smith: [watching games shows] This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.


"American Dad!: 100 A.D. (#6.1)" (2010)
Steve Smith: Hey, Roger, a missing remote. Looks like another case for...
Steve Smith, Roger: [both] Wheels and the Legman!
Klaus: Enough!
Roger: What the hell's your problem?
Klaus: Every "Wheels and the Legman" is the same. You pick a boring case, you bicker, then you solve it. The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
Roger: It's true. I've got the remote right here.

Roger: [high] Why do you keep calling me Legs! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why we have a wheelchair, you Nazi walrus bastard!
Klaus: [As a hallucination] Steve, who's he talking to?
Roger: Shut up Garfield! Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!


"American Dad!: Homeland Insecurity (#1.6)" (2005)
Stan Smith: Well, I think I'm fully strapped.
Klaus: There might be some room left in the vast wasteland between your testicles and anus, hmm?
Stan Smith: Nope, occupado.
[pulls out a spiked ball and chain]

Klaus: [referring to Roger the Alien] I wish he'd get sick like ET.


"American Dad!: Big Trouble in Little Langley (#3.4)" (2007)
Klaus: Stan, these people are monsters! You know what my country's done and even I find this repulsive.

Francine Smith: Oh, my God! Our house!
Stan Smith: Nothing to worry about. Just your average greasy Chinese duck fire.
Francine Smith: Is everyone okay? Steve? Hayley? Roger?
Stan Smith: Everyone's fine.
Francine Smith: [sees Klaus] Oh, and... and Klaus. Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.
Klaus: Too late, Francine. Too fucking late.


"American Dad!: Oedipal Panties (#3.11)" (2008)
Haylee Smith: Klaus, What's wrong?
Klaus: Oh, nothing, it's just... I haven't felt the touch of another person in six years!
Haylee Smith: Oh, you poor thing. Here.
[picks him up]
Haylee Smith: [Klaus is rubbing into her hands, trying to infect her with ich] Fish can't get herpes, can they?

Steve Smith: Everyone? You told me you hadn't been touched in 6 years.
Klaus: Yea, and you took the hundred dollars. No one's a saint here.


"American Dad!: Finances with Wolves (#1.18)" (2006)
Francine Smith: You know, you seem very familiar. Have we met before?
Klaus: [nervously] Oh, you know, I'm just one of those black Germans that seems familiar to everyone, hmm?

Stan Smith: Now, make me that breakfast you owe me.
Klaus: Right away. But first, let me ask you something. How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plow your wife?
Stan Smith: Uh, three should do it... What?
[Klaus knocks Stan unconscious with a frying pan]


"American Dad!: Holy Shit, Jeff's Back (#10.16)" (2015)
Snot Lonstein: [Looking at Klaus dressed as a hamster] I can't wait to tell you about Jewish Camp.
Klaus: Wait, you came back from Jewish Camp?


"American Dad!: Threat Levels (#1.2)" (2005)
Klaus: [after Francine brings home a commission check that is bigger than Stan's paycheck] Oooh, it looks like you have been trumped by the earning power of your little house frau, mmmmm.


"American Dad!: All About Steve (#1.10)" (2005)
Klaus: Oh, he is so delusional. Well, I'm late for my pedicure.
[imitates a car engine, brakes squealing, footsteps, and door opening]
Klaus: I'm sorry I'm late, My Ling. I'm thinking French tips this week.


"American Dad!: The One That Got Away (#4.2)" (2008)
Klaus: Damn you, Hasbro!


"American Dad!: Frannie 911 (#3.9)" (2008)
Klaus: [Hayley runs naked outside] Say it! You have to say it!
Hayley Smith: Help! Raccoons took my penis!


"American Dad!: Bully for Steve (#5.16)" (2010)
Roger the Alien: Remember we were watching CSI, I said I want to do that, you said you totally should, ring a bell?
Klaus: No, are you sure you weren't high on angel dust and talking to the ceiling fan?


"American Dad!: Star Trek (#1.15)" (2005)
Francine Smith: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!


"American Dad!: Francine's Flashback (#1.4)" (2005)
Klaus: Now, straddle mein bowl!


"American Dad!: The Vacation Goo (#3.1)" (2007)
Klaus: There's an old German saying: "don't blame the fish." There are other sayings, but they, um, mostly involve genocide.


"American Dad!: Tears of a Clooney (#1.23)" (2006)
Stanley Smith: Time for cake.
Klaus: I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.
Steve Smith: Mom, cut me an end piece!
Hayley Smith: How can you even think about eating that cake? Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped... or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Stanley Smith: Shut up, Hayley.


"American Dad!: Surro-Gate (#3.7)" (2007)
Klaus: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made, for years my conduct has been largely benign and yet without provocation you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flame of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now... gooo and begin your life of fear, knowing, that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crush down upon you cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the wrong fish.


"American Dad!: Cops & Roger (#5.14)" (2010)
Klaus: I'll chalk this up to a W
Stan Smith: Shut up Klaus!
Klaus: It broke even
Francine Smith: Quiet Klaus!
Klaus: I blew it!


"American Dad!: The Most Adequate Christmas Ever (#3.8)" (2007)
[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine Smith: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.


"American Dad!: Merlot Down Dirty Shame (#5.15)" (2010)
Klaus: [They're communicating telepathically] Use the mental telepathy we share to take down Steve
Hayley Smith: No, bring down Steve without our powers
Klaus: Stick in the mud bitch
Hayley Smith: You know I can hear you
Klaus: Yeah I'm pissed


"American Dad!: Con Heir (#1.11)" (2005)
Hayley Smith: So, you're a despicable CIA fascist like my father.
Jack: No, dollface, I work for the Scarlet Alliance. It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck.
Klaus: Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin. I did lines with Falco in the men's room. Greedy, greedy Falco.