President Richard M. Nixon
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Quotes for
President Richard M. Nixon (Character)
from Nixon (1995)

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Nixon (1995)
Richard M. Nixon: Always remember: others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.

[after the Kent State shootings]
Richard M. Nixon: I'd like to offer my condolences to those families. But Nixon can't.

Richard M. Nixon: Presidents don't threaten. They don't have to.

Richard M. Nixon: They can't impeach me for bombing Cambodia. The president can bomb anybody he likes.

Richard M. Nixon: [to a portrait of Kennedy] When they look at you, they see what they want to be. When they look at me, they see what they are.

Pat Nixon: I was thinking tonight - do you remember, Dick? Do you remember when you used to drive me on dates with the other boys? You didn't want to let me out of your sight.
Richard M. Nixon: Yeah, sure, a long time ago.
Pat Nixon: Yes, it's been a long time...
[sensing a signal, recoils]
Richard M. Nixon: I don't need that, buddy. I'm not Jack Kennedy.
Pat Nixon: [rebuffed] No, you're not. So stop comparing yourself to him. You have no reason to. You have everything you ever wanted. You've earned it. Why can't you just enjoy it?
Richard M. Nixon: I do. I do. In my own way.
Pat Nixon: Then what are you scared of, honey?
Richard M. Nixon: I'm not scared, buddy... You don't understand. They're playing for keeps, buddy. The press, the kids, the liberals - they're out there, trying to figure out how to tear me down.
Pat Nixon: They're all your enemies?
Richard M. Nixon: Yes!
Pat Nixon: You personally?
Richard M. Nixon: Yes! This is about me. Why can't you understand that, you of all people? It's not the war - It's Nixon! They want to destroy Nixon! And if I expose myself even the slightest bit they'll tear my insides out. Do you want that? Do you want to see that, buddy? It's not pretty.
Pat Nixon: Sometimes I think that's what you want.
Richard M. Nixon: [contemptuous] What the hell are you saying? Are you drunk? Jesus, you sound just like them now! I've got to keep fighting, buddy, for the country. These people running things, the elite... they're soft, chickenshit faggots! They just want to cover their asses and meet girls and tear each other down. Oh, God, this country's in deep, deep trouble, buddy... and I have to see this through. Mother would've wanted no less of me.
Pat Nixon: I just wish... you knew how much I love you, that's all. It took me a long time to fall in love with you, Dick. But I did. And it doesn't make you happy. You want them to love you...
[motions outward, indicating the public]
Richard M. Nixon: [interjects] No, I don't. I'm not Jack...
Pat Nixon: But they never will, Dick. No matter how many elections you win, they never will.

Julie Nixon: [hesitantly] Did you, Daddy? Did you cover it up?
Richard M. Nixon: Do you think I would do something like that, honey?

[the day after John F. Kennedy's murder]
Richard M. Nixon: I bet if I was President they wouldn't have killed me.

[to a White House portrait of Dwight Eisenhower]
Richard M. Nixon: I hope I haven't let you down.

Richard M. Nixon: Only when you've been in the deepest valley, can you ever know how magnificent it is on top of the highest mountain.

Richard M. Nixon: [pounds keys on piano] Cocksucker.

Richard M. Nixon: It's the President's personal property. I will never give up my tapes to a bunch of Kennedy-loving Harvard Democrat cocksuckers.

Richard M. Nixon: Do you miss Cuba, Manolo?
Manolo Sanchez: Yes, Mr. President.
Richard M. Nixon: We let you down, didn't we. Your people.
Manolo Sanchez: That was Mr. Kennedy, sir.
Richard M. Nixon: You don't think he was a hero?
Manolo Sanchez: [shrugs] He was a politican.
Richard M. Nixon: Did you cry when he died?
Manolo Sanchez: Yes.
Richard M. Nixon: Why?
Manolo Sanchez: I don't know. He made me... see the stars.
Richard M. Nixon: How did he do that?
[a beat. Nixon is deep in thought]
Richard M. Nixon: All those kids... Why do they hate me so much?

Alexander Haig: I'm afraid we have another problem, Mr. President.
[He hands him a paper. Nixon glances at it]
Alexander Haig: June 23rd, '72, sir. The part that's underlined. Your instructions to Haldeman regarding the CIA and the FBI.
Richard M. Nixon: So?
Alexander Haig: Your lawyers feel it's the..."smoking gun".
Richard M. Nixon: It's totally out of context. I was protecting the national security. I never intended...
Alexander Haig: Sir, the deadline is today.
Richard M. Nixon: Can we get around this, Al?
Alexander Haig: It's the Supreme Court, sir. You don't get around it.

Richard M. Nixon: [on TV] ... because people have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I am not a crook.
Henry Kissinger: Oh, God, I think I'm going to throw up.

[Nixon awkwardly puts his arm around John Dean, his legal counsel]
Richard M. Nixon: John, I want you to get away from this madhouse, these reporters, and go up to Camp David for the weekend. And I want you to write up a report. I want you to put everything you know about Watergate in there.
John Dean: You want me to put it all in writing. Over my signature.
Richard M. Nixon: Well, nobody knows more about this thing than you do, John. The details, that stuff, I don't know about.
[a pause]
John Dean: Sir, I'm not going to be the scapegoat for this. Haldeman and Ehrlichman are in just as deep as me.

Richard M. Nixon: She got it, Bob. 19-year-old college kid.
H. R. Haldeman: What? Who?
Richard M. Nixon: She understood something it's taken me 25 years in politics to understand. The CIA, the Mafia, those Wall Street bastards...
H. R. Haldeman: Sir?
Richard M. Nixon: The Beast. 19-year-old kid. She called it a wild animal.
H. R. Haldeman: Yes, sir.

Richard M. Nixon: I hate these cocktail parties. John, I'm in hell. I'll be mentally dead in two years and physically dead in four.
John Mitchell: Make some money, Dick. Prove yourself to the Wall Street crowd. Let Goldwater and Rockefeller take the fall against Kennedy.
Richard M. Nixon: I don't know why. I miss making love to the people. I miss entering a room. I miss the pure acting of it, John. I gotta get back in the arena.

Richard M. Nixon: Well you live pretty well out here. I understand why you want to keep your budgets classified.

Henry Kissinger: If they harass you, I too would resign, and I would tell the world why.
Richard M. Nixon: Don't be stupid. The world needs you, Henry.

Richard M. Nixon: I'm not a quitter, never have been. But I'm not stupid either. A trial would kill me, that's what they want. They won't get it.

Richard M. Nixon: Do ever think of death, Dick?
Richard Helms: Flowers are a continual reminder of our mortality. Do you appreciate flowers?
Richard M. Nixon: No, no they make me sick, and they smell like death. I had two brothers die young... Well let me tell you. There are worse things than death.
Richard Helms: Yes?
[special effects have turned his eyes completely black]
Richard M. Nixon: There's such a thing as evil.

Richard M. Nixon: I never thought Kennedy was ready for the presidency.

John Ehrlichman: Well, sir, it turns out one of the people implicated is still on the White House payroll.
Richard M. Nixon: Who? Not another damn Cuban?
H. R. Haldeman: No sir. A guy named Hunt. Howard Hunt, sir.
Richard M. Nixon: [Fear creeping on his face] Hunt? Howard Hunt?

Richard M. Nixon: I was born to do this.

Richard M. Nixon: That's what I want. To bring us together.

Richard M. Nixon: Why are these assholes turning on me?

Richard M. Nixon: [on Martha Mitchell] How can you put up with her, John?
John Mitchell: Well, I love her. That, and she is great in bed.

Richard M. Nixon: You see, when I saw Bobby lying there on the floor, arms stretched out, his eyes staring... I knew then I'd be President. His death paved the way, didn't it? Vietnam, the Kennedys, cleared a path through the wilderness just for me. Over the bodies. Four bodies.
H. R. Haldeman: You mean two. Two bodies.
Richard M. Nixon: Four.
[He walks up to a portrait of Abraham Lincoln]
Richard M. Nixon: How many did you have? Hundreds of thousands? Where would we be without death? Abe? Who's helping us? Is it God or is it death?

[Nixon is making an impromptu nighttime visit to the Lincoln Memorial, where a group of young protestors have camped out]
Richard M. Nixon: Hi! I'm Dick Nixon.
[He starts shaking hands with the incredulous protesters]
Richard M. Nixon: [to one young protester] Hi. Where you from?
Student #1: Syracuse.
Richard M. Nixon: Oh yeah, the Orangemen. Now there's a football program. Jim Brown. And that other tailback... the one with the blood disease.
Student #1: Ernie Davis.
Richard M. Nixon: Yeah, right, right. I used to play a little ball myself at Whittier. 'Course, they used to use me as a tackling dummy.
Young Student: [Stepping forward] We didn't come here to talk about football.
Richard M. Nixon: Yeah, I understand that. How old are you, young lady?
Young Student: 19.
Richard M. Nixon: Yeah. Well, probably most of you think I'm a real SOB. I know that. I understand how you feel, but you know, I want peace too. But peace with honor.
Student #2: What does that mean?
Richard M. Nixon: Well, you can't have peace without a price. Sometimes you have to be willing to fight for peace, and sometimes to die.
Student #2: Yeah? Tell that to the GI's who are gonna die tomorrow in Vietnam.
Student #1: What you have to understand, Mr. Nixon, is we're willing to die for what we believe in.
[the other protesters say "Yeah!"]
Richard M. Nixon: [Turns and points to the statue of Lincoln] Look, that man up there, he lived in similar times. He had chaos and civil war and hatred between the races. Sometimes I go to the Lincoln room at the White House and just pray. But you know, liberals act like idealism belongs to them. That's not true. My family went Republican because Lincoln freed the slaves. My grandmother was an abolitionist, those Quakers who founded Whittier, my hometown... to abolish slavery. They were, y'know, conservative Bible folk, but they had a powerful sense of right and wrong. And 40 years ago, I was like you, looking for answers.
[the protesters scoff, unconvinced. Just then a gang of Nixon's aides, led by Haldeman, arrive and push through the crowd to come to his side]
Richard M. Nixon: It's OK, Bob, we're just rapping, my friends and I. In fact we agree on a lot of things, don't we?
Young Student: No, we don't! You say you want to end the war, so why don't you?
Richard M. Nixon: Change always comes slowly. I pulled out more than half the troops. I'm trying to cut the military budget for the first time in 30 years. I want a volunteer army. But it's also a question of American credibility, our position in the world.
Student #1: Come on, Mr. Nixon. It's a civil war between Vietnamese.
Young Student: You don't want the war, we don't want the war, the Vietnamese don't want the war, so why does it go on?
[Nixon hesitates. Haldeman whispers "We should be going" to him]
Young Student: You can't stop it, can you? Even if you wanted to. Because it's not you, it's the system. The system won't let you stop it.
Richard M. Nixon: There's... there's more at stake here than what you want, or what I want.
Young Student: Then what's the point? What's the point of being President? You're powerless!
Richard M. Nixon: [Firmly] No. No, I'm not powerless. Because, because I understand the system, I believe I can, uh, I can control it. Maybe not control it totally, but tame it enough to make it do some good.
Young Student: Sounds like you're talking about a wild animal.
Richard M. Nixon: Yeah, maybe I am.

Richard M. Nixon: [on her daughter's wedding] This is the happiest day of my life!

Henry Kissinger: If a Rockefeller can't be the President of the United States then what is the point of democracy?
Richard M. Nixon: The point of democracy is that even the son of a grocer can become president.
Nelson Rockefeller: And you came damn close, Dick. How are you?
Richard M. Nixon: Hi, John.
Nelson Rockefeller: New York treating you all right? I'm sorry I haven't been able to see you at all.
Richard M. Nixon: You're looking happy.
Nelson Rockefeller: Happy, Happy, Dick Nixon. You remember him.
Happy Rockefeller: Nice to see you again.
Richard M. Nixon: You're obviously making him happy.
Nelson Rockefeller: Repartee, Dick. That's marvelous.

Richard M. Nixon: What you predicting?
Nelson Rockefeller: Your boy Goldwater are gonna split the party?
Richard M. Nixon: Some say you are, Rocky.
Nelson Rockefeller: Let me tell you something. Every time the Republican party is a home to extremism, we lose the goddamn election. You oughta know that better than anybody.
Richard M. Nixon: Yeah.
Nelson Rockefeller: This guy Goldwater is as stupid as McCarthy, and McCarthy never did you any good in the long run, now, did he? That's right.

H. R. Haldeman: You making any statement?
Richard M. Nixon: Thank you, Fidel Castro!
Pat Nixon: You're not going to blame Castro, are you?
Richard M. Nixon: I'm sure am. Goddamn missile crisis united the whole country behind Kennedy and he was supporting Brown. People were scared, that's why.
Pat Nixon: I suppose Castro staged the whole thing just to beat you.
Richard M. Nixon: Buddy, before you join the jubilation of my being beaten again you should remember that people vote not out of love but fear. They don't teach that at Sunday school or the Whitier Community Playhouse.
H. R. Haldeman: [leaving the room] I'll go check with our people.
Pat Nixon: I'm glad they don't, Dick. I'm glad they don't because life is tough and it is unfair and sometimes you forget that in your self pity.

Richard M. Nixon: They always underestimated old Nixon, see. We're gonna fight just as dirty. This is sudden death, gentlemen. We're gonna get 'em on the ground, stick in our spikes and twist and show them no mercy. So, uh, starting today, no one in this room talks to the press without checking with Mr. Haldeman here. That means we're on complete freeze on The New York Times, CBS, PBS, Jack Anderson and The Washington Post. Mr. Haldeman is the chief high executioner from now on. Don't come whining to me when he tells you to do something. That's me talking. And if you do come to me, I'm gonna be tougher than he is. Anyone who screws with us, his fucking head comes off. You got that?

[repeated line]
Richard M. Nixon: Well, that's not good enough.

Pat Nixon: I have always stood by you. I campaigned for you when I was pregnant. During Checkers, when Ike wanted you out, I told you to fight. This is different, Dick. You've changed. You've grown more bitter, like you're at war with the world. You didn't use to be that way. I'm 50 years old now, Dick. How many millions of miles have I traveled? How many millions of hands have I shaken of people I just don't like? How many millions of thank you notes have I written? Its as if I went to sleep a long time ago and missed the years in between. I've had enough.
Richard M. Nixon: What are you saying? What are you talking about?
Pat Nixon: I want a divorce.

Frost/Nixon (2008)
[from trailer]
David Frost: Are you really saying the President can do something illegal?
Richard Nixon: I'm saying that when the President does it, it's *not* illegal!
David Frost: ...I'm sorry?

[from trailer]
David Frost: Why didn't you burn the tapes?
Richard Nixon: I didn't want to take any questions on Watergate!

[from trailer]
Richard Nixon: Why would I want to talk to David Frost?
Swifty Lazar: I've got half a million dollars.
Richard Nixon: Really?

Richard Nixon: That's our tragedy, you and I Mr. Frost. No matter how high we get, they still look down at us.
David Frost: I really don't know what you're talking about.
Richard Nixon: Yes you do. Now come on. No matter how many awards or column inches are written about you, or how high the elected office is, it's still not enough. We still feel like the little man. The loser. They told us we were a hundred times, the smart asses in college, the high ups. The well-born. The people who's respect we really wanted. Really craved. And isn't that why we work so hard now, why we fight for every inch? Scrambling our way up in undignified fashion. If we're honest for a minute, if we reflect privately, just for a moment, if we allow ourselves a glimpse into that shadowy place we call our soul, isn't that why we're here? Now? The two of us. Looking for a way back into the sun. Into the limelight. Back onto the winner's podium. Because we can feel it slipping away. We were headed, both of us, for the dirt. The place the snobs always told us that we'd end up. Face in the dust, humiliated all the more for having tried. So pitifully hard. Well, to *hell with that*! We're not going to let that happen, either of us. We're going to show those bums, we're going to make 'em choke on our continued success. Our continued headlines! Our continued awards! And power! And glory! We are gonna make those mother fuckers *choke*!

Richard Nixon: Whenever I have had my doubts I remembered the construction worker in Philadelphia because he came up to me and he said 'Sir I got only one criticism of that Cambodia thing; if you'd gone in earlier you might've captured the gun that killed my boy three months ago'. So you're asking me do I regret going into Cambodia?... No, I don't. You know what, I wish I'd gone in sooner. And harder!

Richard Nixon: I let them down. I let down my friends, I let down my country, and worst of all I let down our system of government, and the dreams of all those young people that ought to get into government but now they think; 'Oh it's all too corrupt and the rest'. Yeah... I let the American people down. And I'm gonna have to carry that burden with me for the rest of my life. My political life is over.

Richard Nixon: You know those parties of yours, the ones I read about in the newspapers. Do you actually enjoy those?
David Frost: Of course.
Richard Nixon: You have no idea how fortunate that makes you, liking people. Being liked. Having that facility. That lightness, that charm. I don't have it, I never did.

Richard Nixon: We're not gonna let that happen! We're gonna make 'em choke!

Richard Nixon: [Watching Frost head for his car] You mean to say he just paid me two hundred grand for a visit?
Jack Brennan: Yeah.
Richard Nixon: Huh. If I'd known that I would invited him for tea.

Richard Nixon: [Reston swore to Zelnick earlier he would never shake Nixon's hand] Pleasure to meet you.
[Offers Reston his hand]
James Reston, Jr.: [after a pause, he shakily extends his own hand] Mr. President...
Bob Zelnick: [after Nixon leaves] Oh that was devastating, I don't think he's ever going to get over that.
James Reston, Jr.: Fuck off.

Richard Nixon: [Frost is signing a cheque] I hope that isn't coming out of your own pocket.
David Frost: [Gives a quick smile] I wish my pockets were that deep.

Richard Nixon: [after being told that one of the interview segments will be about "Nixon the man"] Nixon the man? As opposed to what? Nixon the horse?

Richard Nixon: I shall be your fiercest adversary. I shall come at you with everything I got, because the limelight can only shine on one of us. And for the other, it'll be the wilderness, with nothing and no one for company but those voices ringing in our head.

David Frost: [Picking up the phone, thinking it's room service] I'll have a cheeseburger.
Richard Nixon: [drunk] Mmm. That sounds good. I used to love cheeseburgers, but Dr. Lundgren made me give them up. He switched me to cottage cheese and pineapple instead. He calls them my Hawaiian burgers, but they don't taste like burgers at all. They taste like Styrofoam.

Richard Nixon: David, did I really call you that night?
David Frost: Yes.
Richard Nixon: Did we discuss anything important?
David Frost: Cheeseburgers.
Richard Nixon: Cheeseburgers?
David Frost: Goodbye, sir.

Richard Nixon: These men, Haldeman, Ehrlichman, I knew their families, I knew them since they were just kids. But you now, politically the pressure on me to let them go, that became overwhelming. So, I did it. I cut off one arm then I cut the other and I'm not a good butcher. And I have always mantained what they were doing, what we're all doing was not criminal. Look, when you're in office you gotta do a lot of things sometimes that are not always in the strictest sense of the law, legal, but you do them because they're in the greater interest of the nation.
David Frost: Alright wait, wait just so I understand correctly, are you really saying that in certain situations the President can decide whether it's in the best interest of the nation and then do something illegal...
Richard Nixon: I'm saying that when the President does it, that means it's *not* illegal!
David Frost: I'm sorry?

Richard Nixon: [a few seconds before the cameras begin to roll] Did you have a pleasant evening last night?
David Frost: Yes, thank you.
Richard Nixon: Did you do any fornicating?

Richard Nixon: [Prior to the second interview] Ah, the great inquisitor.
David Frost: More like a trusted confidante.

Richard Nixon: I wouldn't want to be a Russian leader. They never know when they're being taped.

Richard Nixon: Take my advice. You should marry that woman.
David Frost: Yes. Lovely, isn't she?
Richard Nixon: More important than that, she comes from Monaco. They pay no taxes there.

Richard Nixon: Please excuse my golf outfit. It's the official uniform of the retired.

"Futurama: A Head in the Polls (#2.7)" (1999)
Nixon's Campaign Manager: I give you the next president of Earth!
[Richard Nixon's head on a giant robot body breaks through the wall, steps on the campaign manager]
Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon's back!

Morbo: Morbo will now introduce the candidates - Puny Human Number One, Puny Human Number Two, and Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.
Richard Nixon's Head: How's the family, Morbo?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.

Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon with charisma? I COULD RULE THE UNIVERSE!

Scoop Chang: Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the Constitution clearly states that nobody can be elected president more than twice.
Richard Nixon's Head: That's right, no *body*.
[Reveals that he has on Bender's body]
Richard Nixon's Head: But as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.
[Starts dancing]
Turanga Leela: Bender, he has your body!
Bender: That dirty, double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon?

Richard Nixon's Head: I remember my body. Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican body. God, how I loved it.
Fry: I hear that. I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Course it was tough love, but...
Turanga Leela: [Elbows Fry] Fry, he opened up relations with China. He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.

Richard Nixon's Head: That's it! You're all going to jail, and don't expect me to grant a pardon like that sissy, Ford.
Turanga Leela: You'll never pardon anyone because you'll never get elected president. The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained idiots they were in your time.
Richard Nixon's Head: Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but the average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me. I've become more bitter and, let's face it, crazy over the years. And when I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat, and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
Fry: Well, he lost my vote.

Richard Nixon's Head: Now beat it, before I get Cambodian on your asses!

Bender: Gimme my body back, ya two-bit thief!
Richard Nixon's Head: Now look here, you drugged out communist! I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it than I would my little cocker spaniel dog, Checkers.
Checkers' Head: Arf!
Richard Nixon's Head: Shut up, dammit!

Secret Honor (1984)
Richard Nixon: I am America. I'm a winner who lost every battle, up to and including the war. I am *not* the American nightmare. I am the American Dream. Period. That's why the system works. Because I am the system. *Period.*

Richard Nixon: You, ladies and gentlemen of the American jury, shall look at the face that is under the mask, that is -
Richard Nixon: - that is under the mask!

Richard Nixon: My wife does not wear a fur coat. My wife wears a good Republican cloth coat. And my dog Checkers, well he...

[first lines]
Richard Nixon: Testing, one, two, three, four.

Richard Nixon: Secret honor, public shame...

"Futurama: War Is the H-Word (#3.2)" (2000)
Richard Nixon's Head: [addressing the troops] We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon.

Richard Nixon's Head: Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger's Head: How are you?
Bender: Is he any good?
Richard Nixon's Head: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.

Richard Nixon's Head: Oh, God, cover yourself! I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo.

Richard Nixon's Head: So anyway, we open the panda crate, and wouldn't you know it, the damn thing was dead. Upchucked its bamboo. True story.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Uh-huh.Uh-huh. That's whatever you were talking about for ya.

"Futurama: A Taste of Freedom (#5.4)" (2002)
Richard Nixon's Head: My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening. We're free to chose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in. And if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a week with the Pain Monster.
The Pain Monster: See you April 15th, folks!

Richard Nixon's Head: Let's storm the place... without my prior knowledge.

Leela: Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag. You might even find the image of it festering in his bowels somehow offensive. But the right to Freedom of Expression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution!
Richard Nixon: Is that so? Well, I happen to know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat!
[Scene changes to the U.S. Supreme Court]

"Futurama: Saturday Morning Fun Pit (#7.19)" (2013)
Nutcracker: Nutcracker!
Nixon: That's no name for a woman! Let's just call her Pat.

Nixon's head: Find that apple! It's down there somewhere.

Nixon's Head: Rosemary... have we got any type of machine to edit the tape?

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)
President Nixon: You want to make a statement? Kill me, fine! But spare everyone else!
Erik Lehnsherr: Very heroic, Mr. President. But you have no intention of sparing any of us. The future of our species begins now!
[gets distracted, Mystique reveals herself and shoots him in the neck]
Erik Lehnsherr: You used to be a better shot.
Raven: Trust me. I still am.
[knocks out Erik]

[deleted scene]
[in the aftermath of the assassination attempt]
President Nixon: I would have questions that need to be answered. I think we now know some of these mutants are on our side. Take Trask into custody.

President Nixon: Fuck me!

Christmas Carol (1978) (TV)
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: He once told me to treat the warehouse like it was my own.
Humphrey Bogart: What did you do?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: I sold it.

Paul Lynde as Bob Cratchit: Do you know he's so cheap he even has a burglar alarm on his garbage cans?

Oliver Hardy: We were wondering if you would like to make a small donation for the poor.
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, no.
Stan Laurel: In that case, how would you like to make a large donation?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Not interested. When I give to charity I wish to remain anonymous. That's why I don't give anything.
Oliver Hardy: But sir! What are we going to tell the poor, the needy and the destitute?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, tell them to use Hamburger Helper.
Stan Laurel: Well that a wonderful idea Ollie. I bet they never thought of that!

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest II (#4.3)" (2002)
Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendo 64.
Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!

Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64.
Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs (2008) (V)
[from trailer]
Earth President Richard Nixon: Row-rowoo! The tentacles are coming toward Earth and there's no stopping it. King Kong is too old to save us this time!
[looking at an old gorilla with a walker and an equally old woman in his hand]

Earth President Richard Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose!

"Futurama: Three Hundred Big Boys (#5.11)" (2003)
Richard Nixon's Head: I've sent you each 300 buckeroos. In the form of a tricky Dick fun bill. Knock yourselves out!
Amy Wong: I'm slightly richer!
Bender: What to do, what to do. One 300 dollar hookerbot or 300 one dollar hookerbots?

Richard Nixon's Head: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!

Elvis Meets Nixon (1997) (TV)
Richard M. Nixon: Hmm, maybe I should add the Beatles to my "enemies list."
Elvis Presley: You have an *enemies* list, sir?
Richard M. Nixon: Um, no.

Richard M. Nixon: By the way, Elvis, did you ever, ah, mess around with Marilyn Monroe?
Elvis Presley: No, sir.
Richard M. Nixon: Well, the Kennedys did, you know. Hoover played me the tape.
Elvis Presley: Well, gee, Mr. President, I kinda wish I had a tape of this meetin', so I could play it for muh wife and muh little daughter.
Richard M. Nixon: Tape-record meetings.
[suddenly intrigued]
Richard M. Nixon: Hmm...

Black Dynamite (2009)
Black Dynamite: I should have known it was you all the time. I should have asked myself, 'Who's the man so wicked, so cruel, that he could serve smack to the orphanage, kill my brother Jimmy, and put out a drug to shrink black men's dicks?' Only one man. That's you, Tricky Dick! So I'm here to deliver you one presidential ass-whupping!
Richard Nixon: Black Dynamite, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that...
[Nixon pulls his nunchucks out of a drawer and jumps on his desk]
Richard Nixon: Showtime, motherfucker! Fucking think you can fuck with me, Black Dynamite? Who the fuck would stop me, piece of shit?

[after the ghost of Abraham Lincoln knocks the gun off Richard Nixon's hand, Black Dynamite takes the president down with a foot sweep and pummels his face with a barrage of punches]
Black Dynamite: You had enough, Mr. President?
Richard Nixon: You'll never get away with this!
Black Dynamite: Watch me, you little insecure cracker. You think by shrinking our johnsons, it's gonna make your situation any better? That's your problem, Tricky Dick. You are paranoid. Like sending those two-bit crooks to Watergate. For what? For these?
[Black Dynamite throws some photographs of Nixon tied up and engaged in an S&M session]
Black Dynamite: Look at you. You lost it all, turkey.
Richard Nixon: Kill me.
Black Dynamite: Say what?
Richard Nixon: Kill me!
Black Dynamite: No. That's the easy way out for you. Now, unless you want the rest of this freaky shit to hit the news, I suggest you take good care of me and my people. Can you dig it?
[Nixon nods]
Black Dynamite: I said, can you dig it?
Richard Nixon: Yes, I, I can dig it!
Black Dynamite: I thought you could.
[Black Dynamite walks away]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...
Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you!
Richard Nixon: Yes, Master.
Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Marge: Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.
Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?
Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.
[the Jury of the Damned all laugh]
Marge: Read the back, the back.
Blackbeard: Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.
Benedict Arnold: [snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!
Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder (2009) (V)
Zapp Brannigan: Bender here's identified the femdido commander as my ex-lover Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.
President Richard Nixon: And he's willing to fink her out for a few simoleons?
Bender: It's not about the money, Nixon, though I'd like much more. It's 'cause Leela's a threat. A threat to my reputation~ She's committed 30 felonies in 12 star systems. If no one stops her, she'll break my record for longest rap sheet.
President Richard Nixon: That's a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it.
Bender: Gracias.

President Richard Nixon: The one secret they never suspected was that I really did stage the moon landing... on Venus!

"Futurama: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela (#6.2)" (2010)
Zapp Brannigan: My God! We're defenseless, like fish in a barrel.
Richard Nixon's Head: Options?
Zapp Brannigan: My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish.

Dr. Zoidberg: Sure, but who is foolish enough to fly into what we all keep calling a death sphere?
Richard Nixon's Head: I say Brannigan.
Zapp Brannigan: I say no.
Turanga Leela: I say me.
Richard Nixon's Head: I say Leela.
Philip J. Fry: I say no!
Turanga Leela: I say me, again.
Zapp Brannigan: And I shall join you.
Turanga Leela: But it's a one-man ship.
Zapp Brannigan: And there'll be only one man. How would you feel about me sitting tailgunner with you?
Turanga Leela: Totally creeped out.
Zapp Brannigan: Then it's settled!

Call of Duty: Black Ops (2010) (VG)
Richard Nixon: I should get a celebrity discount.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
Buzz Aldrin: Go ahead, Mr. President.
President Nixon: Hello, Neil and Buzz. I'm talking to you by telephone from the Oval Room at the White House. And this certainly has to be the most historic telephone call ever made. I just can't tell you how proud we all are of you. For every American, this has to be the proudest day of our lives. Because of what you have done...
Director of NASA: [Depicting the astronauts as they land on the water] We have splashdown.
President Nixon: ...the heavens have become a part of man's world. For one priceless moment in the whole history of man, all the people on this Earth are truly one. One in their pride for what you have done. It inspires us to redouble our efforts to bring peace and tranquility to Earth.

"Futurama: A Farewell to Arms (#7.2)" (2012)
Richard Nixon's Head: Damn thing won't turn over, like Pat on Sunday morning.

"Doctor Who: Day of the Moon (#6.2)" (2011)
President Richard Nixon: This person you want to marry - black?
Canton Delaware: Yes.
President Richard Nixon: I know what people think of me, but perhaps I'm a bit more Liberal than...
Canton Delaware: *HE* is.
President Richard Nixon: [stunned silence] I think the Moon is far enough for now, don't you?
Canton Delaware: I figured it might be.

"Saturday Night Live: Walter Matthau (#4.7)" (1978)
Richard Nixon: I got a million slogans. Look at this one: The New Dick. Isn't that nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.
Pat Nixon: It's short and sweet but I don't think everybody wants to see it.

Watchmen (2009)
Richard Nixon: Bold moves, Henry. That's what's needed right now. We can't let these fuckers think we're weak!
Henry Kissinger: [Incredulous] Yes. They must fear the madman Richard Nixon.

"Chalk: Women and Football (#1.6)" (1997)
Suzy Travis: Mr Nixon, I think Mr Slatt is on the verge of a really serious nervous breakdown and, possibly, a fatal heart attack!
Mr Nixon: Well, you haven't been here long but you've certainly grasped the basics.

Lee Daniels' The Butler (2013/I)
Richard Nixon: I don't want to say anything negative about that Kennedy boy. I'm sure he's a real nice fellow. But do you really want that spoiled rich son-of-a-bitch fuck to be your next president?

Where the Buffalo Roam (1980)
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Hi sir, it's Harris from the Post. Can I get you anything sir?
Candidate: How's the family Harris?
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Oh the family, well that's bad news. The screwheads finally came and took my daughter away. Let me ask you a question sir, what is this country doing for the doomed? There are two kinds of people in this country, the doomed and the screwheads. Savage tribal thugs who live off their legal incomes, brow deep out there; no respect for human dignity. They don't know what you and I understand, you know what I mean.
Candidate: You ever play football, Harris?
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Yes sir, thank you sir. I played in college, and they're gonna get your daughter too sir. I've heard their rallies, they like Julie but Tricia... and they really hate you sir. You know that one and a half of the State Senate of Utah are screwheads. You know I was never really frightened by the bopheads and the potheads with their silliness never really frightened me either, but these goddam screwheads, they terrify me. And the poor doomed, the young, and the silly, the honest, the weak, the Italians... they're doomed, they're lost, they're helpless, they're somebody else's meal, they're like pigs in the wilderness.
Candidate: Come here Harris, come here. Fuck the doomed!

"Futurama: Crimes of the Hot (#5.1)" (2002)
President Richard Nixon's Head: For saving Earth and foiling me, I proudly yet angrily present you with our new highest honor: the Polluting Medal of Pollution.

"Futurama: Space Pilot 3000 (#1.1)" (1999)
[Fry drops Nixon, spilling his head on the floor]
Richard Nixon's Head: [angry] That's it. You just made my list.

"Doctor Who: The Impossible Astronaut (#6.1)" (2011)
President Richard Nixon: You were my second choice for this, Mr. Delaware.
Canton Delaware: That's okay. You were my second choice for president, Mr. Nixon.

"Saturday Night Live: Dick Cavett/Ry Cooder (#2.7)" (1976)
Richard Nixon: What are you looking at?
John Dean: Oh, eh, nothing, I just couldn't help noticing that your Shakespeare volumes are titled Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, Fecord, Stop, Fast Forward, Rewind and the Merchand of Venice, sir.

"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
[during the 1960 vice-presidential debates on TV]
John F. Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.
Richard Nixon: Uh, I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.
Homer: The man never drank a Duff in his life.