Ralph Hinkley
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Quotes for
Ralph Hinkley (Character)
from "The Greatest American Hero" (1981)

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"The Greatest American Hero: The Greatest American Hero (#1.1)" (1981)
Ralph Hinkley: I'm not quitting my job. How am I supposed to eat? Go down to the welfare office and stand in the Superhero line?

Ralph Hinkley: Look at it this way, you're one step ahead of Lois Lane. She never found out who Clark Kent really was.

Ralph Hinkley: I mean I could kill the guy who designed this suit. Why couldn't it have... narrow lapels and a cutaway jacket? Why'd it have to be long johns and a cape?

Ralph Hinkley: Pam Davidson, my attorney, this is Bill Maxwell. We're in the superhero business together.

Ralph Hinkley: [after confiscating a switchblade from Tony] Take any more of these things off you, I'm gonna have to open a shop in Tijuana.

Ralph Hinkley: [having just learned from a dead man on the car radio that he will get a super suit] A suit? I don't need a suit, I got plenty of suits.

Bill Maxwell: [to Pam] You cannot step off a roller coaster, honey, just because it's going too fast.
Ralph Hinkley: He's right. We're in this, we have to do something.
Bill Maxwell: Whoa. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this not our very first point of agreement, on anything?
Ralph Hinkley: I believe it is, Bill.
Bill Maxwell: Well, a ray of sunshine. Shall we dance?

Rhonda Blake: You think I'm cheap?
Ralph Hinkley: [uncomfortable] Uh... look, Rhonda.
Rhonda Blake: My mother thinks I'm cheap, heh. But then, she's cheap, so, eh, how whould she know?


"The Greatest American Hero: The Greatest American Heroine (#3.14)" (1986)
Ralph Hinkley: They wanna do the Ralph Hinkley story, but they don't wanna do it realisticaly.
Pam Davidson Hinkley: Why should they, Ralph? There's nothing realistic about any of this.

Alien: Mr Hinkley, we saw you on the Dick Cavett show.
Ralph Hinkley: Dick Cavett, huh?
[laughs]
Ralph Hinkley: I didn't know you could get that stuff up here. That's great.
[thinks about it]
Ralph Hinkley: What am I saying, I mean, of course they get that stuff up here, you probably have eh, you probably have cable up here too, don't ya?

Ralph Hinkley: Excuse me, about the instruction book...
Alien: We''ve given you two already, Mr. Hinkley. Surely you haven't lost it again?
Ralph Hinkley: Eh, no, no of course not.
Alien: Good. Because we have no more to give.

Holly Hathaway: Ralph, you were right, this cape is so cumbersome and - you know, I'm not so sure about these little shoes, they're so blah. Maybe we could go with a nice pump?
Ralph Hinkley: Eh, Holly, I think you'd better forget redesigning the suit, I think the green guys are kinda locked into this model.

Ralph Hinkley: Bill, I passed it on. The suit.
Bill Maxwell: You passed on the suit? To somebody... else? Without even asking, without running it by me, without checkin- How could you do that to me kid?
Ralph Hinkley: It's right Bill. I know it is. Now the green guys said, that when I found the right person I would know it and I know it Bill! She's the right person Bill, isn't she the right person?
Bill Maxwell: Yeah, well she may be the right person for *him*, but what about- She?
Ralph Hinkley: What did I tell you?
Pam Davidson Hinkley: Hang tough, hun.
Bill Maxwell: Ralph! You did it to me, didn't you? He did it, didn't he? You picked a skirt!
Pam Davidson Hinkley: He *picked* a woman.
Bill Maxwell: No! That's bad enough you wouldn't fight for your own pal Maxwell, to get the suit. That's- that's hard enough to swallow. Now you got me paired up with Nancy Drew!
Ralph Hinkley: Holly Hathaway.
Bill Maxwell: Who?
Ralph Hinkley: Holly...
Bill Maxwell: Who cares?
Ralph Hinkley: Bill, give her a chance. I already told her all about you.
Pam Davidson Hinkley: But he lied, so you're safe.


"The Greatest American Hero: My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys (#1.6)" (1981)
Ralph Hanley: I can't for the life of me fly straight; I crash more often than the commodity market. I'm not equipped to do this job, Pam. What do I know about being a...
Pam Davidson: A hero?
Ralph Hanley: I'm about as heroic as a chicken sandwich.

Lone Ranger: Everybody loves the Lone Ranger.
Ralph Hanley: [in a deep, dramatic voice] "Some thought he was on the side of the outlaw, many knew him as a lone rider dealing out justice to the law-abiding citizenry. None knew where he came from and none knew where he went."
Lone Ranger: Hey, you really are a fan.
Ralph Hanley: Oh, you bet, you bet I am. Only when I was a kid it didn't sound so, uh...
Lone Ranger: So, uh, corny?
Ralph Hanley: Yeah.
Lone Ranger: See, I don't think it's corny. I think it's important. In the cold light justice and morality always look corny. And you can't wave the flag and look cool. But like it or not, our society needs its heroes.
Ralph Hanley: Anybody in a mask tried dealing out justice today they'd probably lock him up.
Lone Ranger: Well, maybe. But I don't think that'd stop the Lone Ranger. Do you?
Ralph Hanley: [Thoughtfully] No.

Ralph Hanley: [to the discouraged Bill] Like it or not, Bill, I have a responsibility. This world needs its heroes, ya know? This society needs someone to look up to.
Pam Davidson: We got that straight from the Lone Ranger.


"The Greatest American Hero: The Good Samaritan (#2.19)" (1982)
Ralph Hanley: Bill, now let's think a minute. Why did the extra-terrestrial beings give us, give me the suit? I mean, I don't know anything about international espionage or high-tech crime!
[Voice breaks on the last word]
Bill Maxwell: You're gonna have to put some more honey in your tea Ralph. You're about to lose it all together.

Bill Maxwell: Suppose, that I can prove to you that this Torchy Tanner is the guy that I say he is, and that he was there to rip-off the building, and that you used the suit to make a hero out of a real slime ball. Now would you give up on this, huh? Would you? Would you? Would you?
Ralph Hanley: [sighs] I don't know.
Bill Maxwell: C'mon! You'd do it for Bill. Old Uncle Bill. Old Uncle Wild Bill. Who loves you baby. Huh? Huh? Huh?
Pam Davidson: You're overdoing it, Uncle Bill.


"The Greatest American Hero: It's All Downhill from Here (#2.16)" (1982)
Bill Maxwell: [With emphasis] Ralph, this is Robert Alan Kline.
Ralph Hanley: Bill, I don't care if the guy knows James Bond! He can at least be polite!
Bill Maxwell: He *is* James Bond, Ralph. Can you get that? Now put a lid on it, before I wind up working in a parking lot.

Ralph Hanley: I get so angry Bill, these guys treat us like we're a couple of amateurs and we're the only two people up here that can crack this thing!
Bill Maxwell: Yeah! CIA stands for creeps in action. If they just open up with the info, we could crack this thing like an Easter egg.


"The Greatest American Hero: It's Only Rock and Roll (#3.11)" (1983)
Ralph Hinkley: Pam... Pam will be out in a minute.
Bill Maxwell: Well, uh... don't tell her to hurry, uh. We don't want get there early you know to uh... stadium full of a hard thousand uh... screamin', stompin' kids.
Ralph Hinkley: Bill, c'mon! That's just Dak's way of saying thank you. Besides, do you know how many people would give their eye, tooth to sit front row center at an Elvira concert?
Bill Maxwell: Do you have any idea the statistics of kids that go deaf at these things? We're all going to wind up uh... watching TV shows with closed captions here!
Ralph Hinkley: Bill. You're wearing guns to a concert? C'mon!
Bill Maxwell: You can't be too careful at a place like that.


"The Greatest American Hero: Captain Bellybuster and the Speed Factory (#2.20)" (1982)
Ralph Hinkley: Bill, are you alright?
Bill Maxwell: [Panting] Just a little... cardiac seizure, no problem. How can a guy... that looks like he's smuggling basketballs run so fast?
Mickey Michaelson: Who are you?
Ralph Hinkley: He's a friend.


"The Greatest American Hero: Divorce, Venusian Style (#3.1)" (1982)
Ralph Hinkley: Oh, terrific. Now I can join a flea circus!


"The Greatest American Hero: Vanity, Says the Preacher (#3.13)" (1983)
Pam Davidson Hinkley: [Viewing old footage of Bill when he was younger] Oh my God, Bill. That's really you! You did it.
Bill Maxwell: Do you have to sound so surprised?
Ralph Hinkley: You weren't half bad looking, Bill. What happened?
Bill Maxwell: Keep the jokes coming, kiddo. I love 'em, but that's me and I did it.


"The Greatest American Hero: Dreams (#2.17)" (1982)
Ralph Hinkley: Singing telegram for Miss Peterson! Uh, I'm supposed to meet a gorilla and a belly dancer. No, wrong room.
[singing]
Ralph Hinkley: Have a lovely day, Have a lovely day, Have a lovely, lovely day.
Ralph Hinkley: And remember, singing telegram, 555-5800. Bye-bye.


"The Greatest American Hero: There's Just No Accounting... (#2.18)" (1982)
Bill Maxwell: [after Ralph breaks Bill's car door] Ralph! What are my going to tell Carlisle?
Ralph Hanley: Does he even ask anymore?
Bill Maxwell: Yes! He does ask! Every day, about the cars.