Bill S. Preston, Esq.
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Bill S. Preston, Esq. (Character)
from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
Ted, Bill: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

[Bill and Ted are working on their history report]
Bill: Okay, Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country.
Ted: Two: born on President's Day.
Bill: Three: the dollar-bill guy.
Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? It's like, just like...
Bill: Ted. Alaska.
Ted: Okay. Um... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude.

[an early morning jam]
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!
Ted: And I'm Ted Theo-
[realizes *he's* holding the camera]
Ted: Hold on. Bill, here. You take it.
Bill: Okay.
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
[Bill puts the camera on the table]
Bill, Ted: And we're... WYLD STALLYNS!

Missy: Hi, Bill. Want a ride?
Bill: Sure, Missy.
[she draws a blank stare at Bill]
Bill: I mean, Mom.
[she smiles and puts on her Ray-Bans]
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Your stepmom's cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!

[Bill thought Ted was killed]
Bill: Whoa! Ted! You're alive!
Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.
[they hug]
Bill, Ted: [to each other] Fag!

One Of The Three Most Important People in the World: It's you!
Ted: Yeah! It's us!
[to Bill]
Ted: Who are we?
[the strangers start playing air guitar, so Bill and Ted play also; more people come out and join them]
Ted: Bill, I think they want us to say something.
Bill: What should I say?
Ted: [shrugs] Make something up.
Bill: Be excellent to each other.
[room murmurs appreciatively]
Ted: Party on, dudes!
[room approves]
Bill: [to Ted] Good one, dude.
[to room]
Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report.
Ted: Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.
Bill: Later.
The Three Most Important People in the World: Later.

Bill: Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me.
[Ted stops grinning at his cards, Bill looks at his own cards]
Bill: Whoa, three aces!
Bearded Cowboy: What the hell's going on here, Billy?
Old West Ugly Dude: Are you a-cheatin' us, Kid?
Billy the Kid: [sweating] Cheating? Me?
[leaps up/flips table over screaming]
Billy the Kid: Aah!

[after seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth]
Bill: Ted?
Ted: I'm in love, dude.
Bill: Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K. We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report.
Ted: But, Bill, those are historical babes.
Bill: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?

Bill: You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

[Bill and Ted are in Ancient Greece]
Bill: [approaching Socrates] How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future.
Socrates: Socrates.
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Now what?
Bill: I dunno. Philosophize with him!
Ted: [clears his throat, to Socrates] "All we are is dust in the wind," dude.
[Socrates gives them a blank stare]
Bill: [scoops up a pile of dust from the basin before them and lets it run out of his hand] Dust.
[he blows the remainder away]
Bill: Wind.
Ted: [points at Socrates] Dude.
[Socrates gasps]

Billy the Kid: Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?
Bill: England, 15th century.
Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.
Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.
Billy the Kid: Excellent.
Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.

Billy the Kid: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.
Bill, Ted: Sounds good, Mr. The Kid!

Bill: He's dead?
Mr. Ryan: So, Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short dead dude.
Bill: Well, yeah.
Ted: You totally blew it, dude.
Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up.
Ted: Stand up?
Mr. Ryan: Yes, son. Stand up.
[Ted stands]
Mr. Ryan: Now, who was Joan of Arc?
Ted: ...Noah's wife?
[laughter, then bell]

Ted: [walking down the street with Bill in the west] Hey, Bill. This is just like Frontierland!
Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.
Ted: Oh.
Bill: So just try to act natural.
Ted: Okay. Howdy, partner!
Old West Pedestrian: Howdy.
Bill: Watch out for the horse crap, Ted.
Ted: [sidestepping a big mound of horse excrement] Oh. Thanks, dude.

Bill: [responding to Freud's invitation to examine him] Nah. Just got a minor Oedipal complex.

Ted: Now your dad's going for it in your own room!
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your stepmom *is* cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill, Ted: Excellent.

[as Genghis Khan shows off, Bill narrates]
Bill: As you can see, Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush.

Bill, Ted: How's it goin' ladies?
Princess Elizabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.
Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love.
Princess Elizabeth: [giggles] From who?
Ted: [thinking] From... from myself.
Princess Elizabeth: And what is this message you speak of?
Ted: Uh...
Bill: [whispers in ted's ear] Lyrics, dude, recite them some lyrics.
Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time... will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time!
[princesses giggle]
Bill: Way to go, dude!

Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!
Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.
[air guitar, the clock chimes 8:00 am]
Bill: Uh oh, we're late!
Ted: For what?
Bill: For school, dude!
Ted: Oh yeah.

[Bill and Ted see they are about go into a loop in the Circuits of Time]
Ted: What's that?
Bill: I don't know.
Ted, Bill: SHIT!

Ted: [they are about to be executed in medieval times] Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.

Bill: [after Ted was "killed" by a medieval soldier] Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Ah, Ted, don't be dead, dude.

Bill: [Reading a note on a desk while sneaking around in the Police Station's administrative section] "Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan."
Ted: That was nice of us.
Bill: "P.S. Duck!"
Bill: [They do so and avoid being spotted by an officer worker passing by at that exact time]
[to Ted]
Bill: Excellent work, Dude!
Ted: [to Bill] Way to go!

Evil Duke: Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted: Iron Maiden?
Bill, Ted: Excellent!
[air guitar]
Evil Duke: Execute them.
Bill, Ted: Bogus!

[Bill and Ted meet themselves]
Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill, Ted: 69, dudes.
Bill, Ted: Whoa.
[quadruple air guitar solo]

Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?
Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.
Ted: What if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?

Bill: So-cratz - "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing".
Ted: That's us, dude.

[Bill and Ted have met themselves again]
Bill, Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted.
Bill: That conversation made more sense this time.

Ted: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood.
Bill: How much time we got left?
Ted: Tons. Why?
Bill: Extra credit, dude.
Ted: [to Freud] How's it goin', Frood-dude?

Capt. Logan: I wanna speak with you, son.
[looks at Bill]
Capt. Logan: Alone, please, Bill.
[Bill goes outside]
Capt. Logan: All right, sit down! What am I gonna do with you, huh? You can't be...
Bill: [outside] Great.
Capt. Logan: You lose my keys, you fail history, you spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now, you're not to leave this house again until tommorow morning.
[the phone rings]
Capt. Logan: Yes?
Bill: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.
Capt. Logan: Deputy Van Halen?
[Ted sees Bill on the phone outside]
Bill: I'm new dude - sir. Look, we found your keys. If you want 'em, better come and get 'em.
[hangs up]
Capt. Logan: When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?
[Ted nods; Capt. Logan leaves]
Ted: [outside] We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tommorow night.
Bill: Only if we fail, dude.
[they look at the phone booth]
Bill, Ted: No way!

Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

[Bill and Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]
Ted: Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends.
Bill: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth-Oven.
[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs]
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-cratz Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.

Bill: How's it going, royal ugly dudes?

Bill: You ditched Napoleon!
Ted: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?
Deacon: He was a dick.

Bill: Who are you guys?
Future Ted: We're you, dude.
Ted: No way. No... way.
Future Ted: Yes way.

Bill: Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?

Ted: [both get served beers in a saloon bar] Whoa. He didn't even card us, dude.
Bill: Yeah, we have to remember this place.

[in Ancient Greece]
Bill: Socrates. Hey, we know that name!
Ted: Yeah! Hey,
[hands Bill the book]
Ted: look him up. Oh, it's under So-cratz.

[upon meeting the "royal ugly dudes"]
Bill: I am the Earl of Preston.
Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.

Bill: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?
Bill, Ted: [pause] Waterloo!

Ted: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport, I knew it!

Bill: If only we could go back to two days ago before your dad lost his keys, and steal them.
Ted: Well, why don't we?
Bill: Cuz we don't have time, dude.
Ted: We could do it after the report.
Bill: Oh, yeah! Where should we put 'em?
Ted: How 'bout behind this sign?
Bill: OK... Whoa! It worked!
Ted: Right, so when we're done with the report, we have to remember to do this or else it won't happen... but it did happen! Wow, it *was* me who stole my dad's keys!

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
Young Bill: Granny S. Preston, Esquire. No way!