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: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269. Ted
: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian... Ted
: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan
: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
[Bill and Ted are working on their history report
: Okay, Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country. Ted
: Two: born on President's Day. Bill
: Three: the dollar-bill guy. Ted
: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? It's like, just like... Bill
: Ted. Alaska. Ted
: Okay. Um... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick. Bill
: That's Captain Ahab, dude.
[an early morning jam
: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire! Ted
: And I'm Ted Theo-
[realizes *he's* holding the camera
: Hold on. Bill, here. You take it. Bill
: Okay. Ted
: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
[Bill puts the camera on the table
: And we're... WYLD STALLYNS!
: Hi, Bill. Want a ride? Bill
: Sure, Missy.
[she draws a blank stare at Bill
: I mean, Mom.
[she smiles and puts on her Ray-Bans
: [whispering to Bill
] Your stepmom's cute. Bill
: Shut up, Ted. Ted
: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen? Bill
: Shut up, Ted!
[Bill thought Ted was killed
: Whoa! Ted! You're alive! Ted
: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.
: [to each other
One Of The Three Most Important People in the World
: It's you! Ted
: Yeah! It's us!
: Who are we?
[the strangers start playing air guitar, so Bill and Ted play also; more people come out and join them
: Bill, I think they want us to say something. Bill
: What should I say? Ted
] Make something up. Bill
: Be excellent to each other.
[room murmurs appreciatively
: Party on, dudes!
: [to Ted
] Good one, dude.
: Well, we gotta get back to our report. Ted
: Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report. Bill
: Later. The Three Most Important People in the World
: Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me.
[Ted stops grinning at his cards, Bill looks at his own cards
: Whoa, three aces! Bearded Cowboy
: What the hell's going on here, Billy? Old West Ugly Dude
: Are you a-cheatin' us, Kid? Billy the Kid
] Cheating? Me?
[leaps up/flips table over screaming
] Billy the Kid
[after seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth
: Ted? Ted
: I'm in love, dude. Bill
: Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K. We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report. Ted
: But, Bill, those are historical babes. Bill
: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?
: You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!
[Bill and Ted are in Ancient Greece
: [approaching Socrates
] How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future. Socrates
: Socrates. Ted
: [whispering to Bill
] Now what? Bill
: I dunno. Philosophize with him! Ted
: [clears his throat, to Socrates
] "All we are is dust in the wind," dude.
[Socrates gives them a blank stare
: [scoops up a pile of dust from the basin before them and lets it run out of his hand
[he blows the remainder away
: Wind. Ted
: [points at Socrates
Billy the Kid
: Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude? Bill
: England, 15th century. Ted
: We are in most excellent shape for our report. Bill
: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval. Billy the Kid
: Excellent. Bill
: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.
Billy the Kid
: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep. Bill
: Sounds good, Mr. The Kid!
: He's dead? Mr. Ryan
: So, Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short dead dude. Bill
: Well, yeah. Ted
: You totally blew it, dude. Mr. Ryan
: Ted, stand up. Ted
: Stand up? Mr. Ryan
: Yes, son. Stand up.
] Mr. Ryan
: Now, who was Joan of Arc? Ted
: ...Noah's wife?
[laughter, then bell
: [walking down the street with Bill in the west
] Hey, Bill. This is just like Frontierland! Bill
: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted. Ted
: Oh. Bill
: So just try to act natural. Ted
: Okay. Howdy, partner! Old West Pedestrian
: Howdy. Bill
: Watch out for the horse crap, Ted. Ted
: [sidestepping a big mound of horse excrement
] Oh. Thanks, dude.
: [responding to Freud's invitation to examine him
] Nah. Just got a minor Oedipal complex.
: Now your dad's going for it in your own room! Bill
: Shut up, Ted. Ted
: Your stepmom *is* cute, though. Bill
: Shut up, Ted! Ted
: Remember when I asked her to the prom? Bill
: SHUT UP, TED!
[as Genghis Khan shows off, Bill narrates
: As you can see, Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush.
: How's it goin' ladies? Princess Elizabeth
: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle. Ted
: I am Ted of San Dimas, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love. Princess Elizabeth
] From who? Ted
] From... from myself. Princess Elizabeth
: And what is this message you speak of? Ted
: Uh... Bill
: [whispers in ted's ear
] Lyrics, dude, recite them some lyrics. Ted
: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time... will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time!
: Way to go, dude!
: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar. Ted
: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video. Bill
: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments. Ted
: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play? Bill
: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen! Ted
: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video. Bill
[air guitar, the clock chimes 8:00 am
: Uh oh, we're late! Ted
: For what? Bill
: For school, dude! Ted
: Oh yeah.
[Bill and Ted see they are about go into a loop in the Circuits of Time
: What's that? Bill
: I don't know. Ted
: [they are about to be executed in medieval times
] Bill? Bill
: What? Ted
: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.
: [after Ted was "killed" by a medieval soldier
] Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Ah, Ted, don't be dead, dude.
: [Reading a note on a desk while sneaking around in the Police Station's administrative section
] "Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan." Ted
: That was nice of us. Bill
: "P.S. Duck!" Bill
: [They do so and avoid being spotted by an officer worker passing by at that exact time
: Excellent work, Dude! Ted
: [to Bill
] Way to go!
: Put them in the iron maiden. Ted
: Iron Maiden? Bill
] Evil Duke
: Execute them. Bill
[Bill and Ted meet themselves
: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of? Bill
: 69, dudes. Bill
[quadruple air guitar solo
: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this? Bill
: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy. Ted
: What if we were lying? Bill
: Why would we lie to ourselves?
: So-cratz - "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing". Ted
: That's us, dude.
[Bill and Ted have met themselves again
: Catch you later, Bill and Ted. Bill
: That conversation made more sense this time.
: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood. Bill
: How much time we got left? Ted
: Tons. Why? Bill
: Extra credit, dude. Ted
: [to Freud
] How's it goin', Frood-dude?
: I wanna speak with you, son.
[looks at Bill
] Capt. Logan
: Alone, please, Bill.
[Bill goes outside
] Capt. Logan
: All right, sit down! What am I gonna do with you, huh? You can't be... Bill
] Great. Capt. Logan
: You lose my keys, you fail history, you spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now, you're not to leave this house again until tommorow morning.
[the phone rings
] Capt. Logan
: Yes? Bill
: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station. Capt. Logan
: Deputy Van Halen?
[Ted sees Bill on the phone outside
: I'm new dude - sir. Look, we found your keys. If you want 'em, better come and get 'em.
] Capt. Logan
: When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?
[Ted nods; Capt. Logan leaves
] We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tommorow night. Bill
: Only if we fail, dude.
[they look at the phone booth
: No way!
: RUFUS. Bill
: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.
[Bill and Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard
: Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends. Bill
: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth-Oven.
[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs
: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid. Ted
: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-cratz Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.
: How's it going, royal ugly dudes?
: You ditched Napoleon! Ted
: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas? Deacon
: He was a dick.
: Who are you guys? Future Ted
: We're you, dude. Ted
: No way. No... way. Future Ted
: Yes way.
: Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?
: [both get served beers in a saloon bar
] Whoa. He didn't even card us, dude. Bill
: Yeah, we have to remember this place.
[in Ancient Greece
: Socrates. Hey, we know that name! Ted
: Yeah! Hey,
[hands Bill the book
: look him up. Oh, it's under So-cratz.
[upon meeting the "royal ugly dudes"
: I am the Earl of Preston. Ted
: And I am the Duke of Ted.
: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go? Bill
: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275. Bill
: It's not just a water sport, I knew it!
: If only we could go back to two days ago before your dad lost his keys, and steal them. Ted
: Well, why don't we? Bill
: Cuz we don't have time, dude. Ted
: We could do it after the report. Bill
: Oh, yeah! Where should we put 'em? Ted
: How 'bout behind this sign? Bill
: OK... Whoa! It worked! Ted
: Right, so when we're done with the report, we have to remember to do this or else it won't happen... but it did happen! Wow, it *was* me who stole my dad's keys!
: Granny S. Preston, Esquire. No way!