George W. Bush
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Quotes for
George W. Bush (Character)
from W. (2008/I)

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W. (2008/I)
George Herbert Walker Bush: You want an ass-whipping?
George W. Bush: Try it old man!
George Herbert Walker Bush: Go ahead, take a swing!

Asian Journalist: Mr. President, what place do you think you will have in history?
George W. Bush: History? In history we'll all be dead!

George W. Bush: God bless us all!

George W. Bush: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me... and won't get fooled again.

George W. Bush: Whose job is it, to find these damn weapons?

George W. Bush: Who's ever remembered the son of a president?
Laura Bush: John Quincy Adams!
George W. Bush: Yeah, but that was like, three hundred years ago wasn't it?

George W. Bush: [Looks around the countryside] I think we missed the side road!

George W. Bush: I believe God wants me to be president!

George W. Bush: Now I don't believe in forcing myself on people, so I'm just gonna ask for your phone number, not your vote.
Laura Bush: [laughs] You're a devil! Devil in a white hat!

George W. Bush: [about his father] This is my war, not his!

Karl Rove: Here they come they'll be bringing the heat.
George W. Bush: I know, don't swing at anything I can't hit.
Reporter #1: Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush, you didn't talk much about education. What are your plans for reform?
George W. Bush: Well, uh, I'm gonna deregulate school districts so that teachers and administrators can, you know, can develop programs to best fit their kids
Reporter #2: Sir, are you proposing to measure student's progress?
George W. Bush: Oh, well, we need to make a wholesale effort against racial profiling, you know? Which is, uh, illiterate children. You need to be able to teach a child to read and then he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
Karl Rove: We're in the very early stages of developing our program.

Reporter #2: How do you plan to change the school finance formula?
George W. Bush: I for one will not stand for the subsidization of failure. How do you know if you measure up if you have a system that simply
George W. Bush: suckles them through.
Reporter #2: What about our failed schools? Do you think the state needs to take them over?
George W. Bush: More government's not the answer. We must have the attitude that every child in America, regardless where raised can learn. Rarely is the question asked is their children learning.

Karl Rove: If you can't stand in front of those guys two minutes and come up with one plausible answer what the hell are we running for governor for?
George W. Bush: Just tell me what to do, whatever it takes. Look if I need to read the whole damn Constitution I'll do it.

George W. Bush: Iran is not Iraq and Iraq is not Iran. I know that.

George Herbert Walker Bush: If I remember correctly, you didn't like the sporting goods job or the oil rig job. Working in the investment firm wasn't for you either. That ranchette thing in Arizona, that sure didn't last long. Didn't exactly finish up with flying colors in the Air National Guard, Junior. We're still not out of that one. Now this gal Susie shooting her mouth off about you knocking her up.
George W. Bush: Wait a sec, how'd you know about that?
George Herbert Walker Bush: Word gets around, boy-o.
George W. Bush: That's a dang lie, Poppy. I use a condom, I'm not... dumb.
George Herbert Walker Bush: What are you cut out for? Partying, chasing tail, driving drunk? Who do you think you are, a Kennedy? You're an Bush! Act like one. Can't even hold a job. We always worked for a living. It's damn time you joined the rest of us and decided just what it is you're gonna do with your life.
George W. Bush: I know, Poppy. I'm... I'm just having a devil of a time trying to figure it out.
George Herbert Walker Bush: Well, then, figure it out soon, Junior. Your brother Jeb graduates 5 Beta Kappa. What'd you get? Cs? You only get one bite of the apple, you know.
George W. Bush: Look, Jeb's not me and I don't want to be Jeb, Poppy. Look, what I'd really love... what I'd REALLY love to do is find something in baseball.
George Herbert Walker Bush: Doing what? You can't play. Coach? Come on! You're fishing for the moon in the water! Something real! I started out in the oil fields and I was hoping that...
George W. Bush: Look, I'll try harder, Poppy. I promise. I can do it.
George Herbert Walker Bush: Can you? Can you really? You agreed to work for a certain period of time and you haven't kept your word once. Not once. In our family, the Bush family, we honor our commitments. I'll take care of this... young woman.
[W heads for the door]
George Herbert Walker Bush: You disappoint me, Junior. Deeply disappoint me.
George W. Bush: Is that it?
George Herbert Walker Bush: Yeah.
[W exits]

Barbara Bush: [about W. running for Governor of Texas] The fact is you can't win.
George W. Bush: Why do you say that?
Barbara Bush: Because you're too much like me. You're loud, and you've got a short fuse. Now, Jeb is like your father. He thinks before he speaks.

George W. Bush: Hey so, what's that old battle axe Helen Thomas writing on about now? Did she say anything about, uh, ya know, Iraq?
Ari Fleischer: Uuuh, she's talking about secret plans for regime change there. You know the rap, "What make Iran different from any other dictator?" Uh, "What right do we have to go to war with Iraq?"
George W. Bush: Did you tell her I don't like mud-suckers who gas their own people? Did you tell her I don't like ass holes that try to kill my father? Did you tell her that I was gonna kick his sorry mother fricken ass all over the Mid East?
Ari Fleischer: I told her, uh, about about half of that.

Karl Rove: [drilling him] What about that swagger in your voice?
George W. Bush: In Texas it's called walkin'.

George Herbert Walker Bush: [about Jeb losing his election] Wish I could be at his inauguration, too. That would've been something.
George W. Bush: How do you just feel bad about Jeb? Huh? Why don't you feel good about me?

George W. Bush: The only way to win is to leave before the job is done.

White House Reporter, John: Mr President. After 9/11 what would you say your biggest mistakes would be and what lessons have you learned from them?
George W. Bush: Um... uh... Now, I wish you would have given me this written question beforehand, John, so I... So I could prepare for it. Well... You know, I... I just, uh... uh... John, I'm sure historians will say, "Gosh," you know. "I wish he could have done better." You know, this way or that way, uh... I... Yeah... I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of the press conference with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer but it hasn't yet. You know, I hope, uh... I don't wanna sound like, uh, I haven't made no mistakes. You know, I'm confident I have. It's just, I haven't, uh... You know, you really put me on the spot here, John. And maybe I'm not as quick, uh, on my feet as I should be in coming up with one but, uh...
[Leaves conference muttering indistinctly]

[last lines]
Ari Fleischer: Uh, Mr President.
George W. Bush: Not now, Ari. Not now. I'm busy.
[Goes alone to room and watches a baseball game in which he imagines himself in the outfield waiting to catch a fly ball that disappears]

Will Ferrell: You're Welcome America - A Final Night with George W Bush (2009) (TV)
[first lines]
George W. Bush: That was weird. When the pilots of Marine One said they were going to drop me off in New York City, I thought they were joking. I said, "Sure. Y'know, while you're at it, why don't you drop me off in the faggy Theater District?" And guess what, they did! So the joke's on me. But let me be clear about something - I'm just kidding, okay? I don't think theater's faggy. Except for "Cats." and "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." Yeah, that one's queer and Yiddishy. You know, if you want to treat yourself to just a wonderful night out at the theater, just an outstanding show about pride and work ethic and values without any sort of gay agenda, go see "Rent." Laura and I must've seen that show no less than eighty times.

George W. Bush: Let us pray. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, and by Jesus Christ I'm referring to blond, good-looking, lightly-bearded or clean-shaven Jesus Christ, not hippie-looking Jesus or swarthy, more Middle Eastern Jesus - who's probably more historically accurate - not that guy. So dear clean-shaven or lightly-bearded-like-Mike-Piazza Jesus, we give thanks to you and to everything you do. Your love and acceptance washes over all of us like the warm healing waters in one of those European toilets that cleans you inside and out. I believe it's called a bid-ett. Dear blond, almost Swiss-looking Jesus, we ask you to allow us to accept everyone in this theater tonight, regardless of their religious beliefs, whether it be Muslim, or Hindu, or Jewish, or witchcraft.

George W. Bush: For the next ten years, Secret Service has to do anything I want. For instance, if I'm at a Reba McEntire concert and I'm too tired to walk back to the car, Secret Service has to, by law, carry me piggyback back to the parking lot.

George W. Bush: I was a simple, normal kid. I liked to do simple, normal things. Like shoot wrist rockets at a stray cat strapped to a propane tank. Just basic mischief, you know? Or like this one time, we shot up a sleeping hobo full of novocaine, then we'd yell, "Pie on the windowsill!" And they'd wake up all numb and poor and we'd laugh. But that's just the kind of stuff you do growing up in Midland, when you're a young, precocious little thirty-year-old.

George W. Bush: One time, I did convince all the family to come down here one Easter. I took all the Bush men - Dad, Jeb, Neil, Marvin - on a tour of an old abandoned mineshaft I found on the outskirts of the ranch. It was fun, all the Bush guys reminiscing, clowning around in an old abandoned mineshaft, when wouldn't you know, it collapses on us. We'd be trapped for three days, and the whole while, my Dad's up my ass saying things like, "Goddammit, George! Did you test this shaft to see if it was safe?" I'm like, "No! Of course not! It's just an abandoned mineshaft, you just go climb around in it! Besides, I thought you'd like it, 'cause it's historical!" And then Jeb's like, "Everyone shut up, we've gotta conserve oxygen!" I'm like, "I don't give a shit! God's got a plan for me! If this is the way I go, then this is the way I go!" Then my Dad's like, "Gimme a fucking break! Did you tell anyone where we were going?" And I'm like, "No! I didn't! I only thought we'd be gone an hour!" He's like, "You've gotta be kidding me!" All of a sudden, Marvin starts screaming, "I crushed my maid with a car!" And Neil starts yelling, "I once had sex with thirty Thai hookers at once!" And then Jeb's like, "I'm being serious, let's conserve oxygen!" I'm like, "Enough with the damn oxygen!" And my Dad's like, "Why are you the only one in this family that speaks with a Texas accent? It makes no sense!" I'm like, "Do I? Do I have an accent? 'Cause if I do, I can't hear it!" And just then, as my Dad was about to lunge for my neck, we heard some rocks moving, and outside was my Mom, all ripped and muscular, throwing boulders away from the opening of the mineshaft. She then pulled us out one by one and placed us on a cart, and pulled the cart like a powerful draft horse all the way back home, her deltoids twitching, her loins covered in a milky white froth. It was one of the most gross and impressive things I'd ever seen. I was crying and barfing all at the same time.

George W. Bush: They said, "Gore's calling again," I'm like, "What's his deal?" They said, "This time he's calling to take back his concession 'cause it's too close to call and they're doing a statewide recall," and I'm like, "You can't take it back!" He's like, "Yes I can." I'm like, "No you can't." He's like, "Says who?" And I paused and I thought real hard. Then I said, "The Geneva Convention, that's who," and I hung up the phone again. turns out I was wrong. The Geneva Convention pertains more to the laws that will govern the Moon once it's colonized. But it sure felt good at the moment.

George W. Bush: Yes, one time I did walk in on Dick Cheney down in the basement of the White House, and he was being fucked by a giant goat-devil in a room full of pentagrams. And he looked up at me with solid silver glowing orb-like eyes, and his breath had a strong ammonia scent to it, and he told me in a language that I knew in my heart had not been spoken in over a thousand years, "Parrav go lahlah!" And I just ran, I just got the hell out of there.

[Speaking about the book "The Pet Goat"]
George W. Bush: A mere eight months into my presidency, on September 11th, I'm interrupted from reading one of the more fascinating stories I've ever come across with news that the world as we know it has gone cuckoo. So stunned was I by the news of the day's events, combined with the power of the narrative found in "The Pet Goat," that I just sat there in silence for over seven minutes.

[On Morocco's contribution to the Iraq War]
George W. Bush: Then of course there was Morocco, who pledged to send 2,000 monkeys to detonate land mines and perform at children's parties. Then there seemed to be some question as to whether or not Morocco had the monkeys, and I said, "Regardless of whether they have them or not, that sounds cool as shit and I want that." A special unit of 2,000 trained monkeys that we can send anywhere in the world to fight evil and make children laugh? Duh! Despite vigorous protests from my Cabinet, I put into motion Operation Primate Speargun. For one year, a special unit of 2,000 wild monkeys trained side by side with the 82nd Airborne down at Fort Bragg in total secrecy. In order to ensure a maximum covert operation, most of the training was done at night. I was heavily invested in the unit, so I'd often fly down to participate in field exercises, and one of the things I noticed during the exercises was that many of the monkeys would simply run off into the woods, randomly shooting their spearguns at each other or inanimate objects. So I asked my field commanders, I said, "How often had this been happening?" And they said that this type of thing had happened every single time. So then I asked a tough question, "Why do you think it's happening?" The Major said that his guess was because they were wild monkeys, and that they as soldiers didn't have the proper training to work with them. So I looked at 'em right in the eye, and I said, "But we're gonna get there, right?" He said, "I doubt it, Sir." I said, "Well, hold on, let me ask you this. Are they at least entertaining the children?" He said he'd have no idea of knowing, but that his guess would be no, considering it was a top secret operation and no one knew the monkeys were there, especially the children. At the end of exercises, all but forty monkeys had run off into the North Carolina woods. Speargun attacks along the I-95 corridor have increased 1,000 percent in that time. So let me just tell you this: if you're planning a car trip down to Disney World, don't stop at the rest stops, okay? 'Cause there's a 50-50 chance a malnourished monkey is gonna pop up out of a toilet, shoot you in the face with a speargun.

[last lines]
George W. Bush: I just want to say one last thing. You're welcome America.

"That's My Bush!: An Aborted Dinner Date (#1.1)" (2001)
Karl Rove: The head of pro-life is on his way here, and from what I heard, he's a freak.
President George Walker Bush: What kind of a freak?
Karl Rove: Well, apparently he was aborted 30 years ago, but managed to survive. And now he is bitter, he is angry, and he hates to be cancelled on.

Larry O'Shea: Hey, George, it's your favorite neighbor! Say, you got some snoo on your lawn.
President George Walker Bush: What's snoo, Larry?
Larry O'Shea: Nothing, what *snoo* with you?

President George Walker Bush: Maggie, don't you have laundry to do?
Maggie Hawley: Oh that's right, I can do what your father did and separate the whites from the coloreds.

George W. Bush: [in his office making a speech live reading a teleprompter] My fellow Americans, this week I plan to unite our country and bring both sides of the abortion issue together. In a historic summit. Abortion is a very serious, personal issue. And let me assure all of you that tonight you promised to have dinner with Laura.
[everyone sees that phrase on the teleprompter]
George W. Bush: I mean. Let me assure you all that I'll do my best. Good night.
[leaves the office and goes to Laura]
George W. Bush: Laura, you have to stop putting reminder messages to me in the teleprompter.
Laura Bush: I just don't want you to forget our dinner plans. And you don't have time to talk to me.
George W. Bush: I'm talkin' to you now.
Laura Bush: All right, fine. I was thinking...
Princess Stevenson: [Princess runs up to George] Mr. President, Mr. President? Mr. President. I was reviewing your scheduele on my palm pilot and realized that you only have 10 minutes to save the Earth from the Zinthians.
George W. Bush: That's not a palm pilot, Princess. That's a Gameboy.
Princess Stevenson: Then what's this?
[holds out her other hand]
George W. Bush: That's a cheeseburger. Come on, Princess. Let's have another review session.
[leaves the room with her]

Karl Rove: Remember when I told you that this guy was aborted 30 years ago and he was a freak? Well, I should have widdled my fingers and trilled my R and said "frrrrreak"! He never even developed. He's survived eating ants... and mice. Oh boy!
George W. Bush: What do you mean? He's kinda like a midget?
Karl Rove: Worse than a midget!

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008)
Harold Lee: After all the shit we've been through, I don't... I don't know if we can trust our government anymore.
George W. Bush: Trust the government? Heck, I'm in the government and I don't even trust it. You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American. You just have to believe in your country.

Kumar Patel: So you get high and you put other people who smoke weed in jail?
George W. Bush: DUH!
Kumar Patel: That's so hypocritical!
George W. Bush: Oh yeah? Well let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: No sir.
George W. Bush: Do you like gettin' hand jobs?
Kumar Patel: [smirking] Heh, yeah.
George W. Bush: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.

Harold Lee: If you like weed so much, why don't you just legalize it?
George W. Bush: Are you fucking kidding me? You know how pissed off my dad would get if I did that?

George W. Bush: Shit. It's Cheney. Come on, you guys. Keep quiet. Follow me.

"2DTV" (2001)
George W. Bush: I'm wonder woman. I'll deflect bullets with my arm bands. Shoot me general.
General: Don't tempt me Mr. President.

General: Schwarzenegger.
George W. Bush: Shoreenagore.
General: No, Schwarzenegger.
George W. Bush: Mr. Shcwanangor.
General: (sighs)
[Arnold Schwarzenegger enters]
General: Mr President, Governer Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, check it out
[pats Bush's head]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'm patting Bush.
George W. Bush: Mr Schwalanalananger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, now I'm stroking Bush.
[both snigger]
General: May God have mercy on us all.

George W. Bush: My daddy started the gulf war. I continued it. And now, my son, George Junior Junior will finish it. In about forty years time.

"Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States: Three Dates (#2.5)" (2008)
Lil' George: I'm off to the dance with my one date, yep one date, one date.
Barbara Bush: Why did you say one date three times?
Lil' George: What, I don't have three dates, you're crazy.

Lil' George: All the numbers are here: one, two, seven, that guy.

The War Against Terror: The Musical (2004)
George W Bush: The world is full of strangers who don't share our point of view / And if they won't keep silent then we know what we must do / We're gonna get medieval on the Axis of Evil / Gonna be a great upheaval, tonight!

George W Bush: The UN's so pernicity / The UN's really a bore / The UN's old and rickety / What's the UN for?

"American Dad!: Bush Comes to Dinner (#2.10)" (2007)
Stan Smith: [Roger tries to talk to the president. Stan slams a door in his face so he falls down] Uuh, that's our maid.
George W. Bush: Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they're essential to our economy. Others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is, burritos are delicious!

George W. Bush: [Bush goes into the bathroom] Oh! There's already a guy in here! Uh, Oh that's, no that's just a mirror.

"Robot Chicken: Plastic Buffet (#1.4)" (2005)
George W. Bush: As your leader, I would be honored if America selected me to lead a dangerous suicide mission into outer space. But this letter from my daddy says I don't got to go! Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah!
["flies" across the room]
George W. Bush: Zoom zoom zoom! Zoom zoom zoom!

"Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday: Episode #1.3" (2008)
George W. Bush: George Bush always finds his man, save for one huge exception.

"Robot Chicken: Junk in the Trunk (#1.1)" (2005)
George Bush: My name is George W. Bush, and I approve this message: Tacos rule!

"Robot Chicken: Federated Resources (#2.2)" (2006)
Jenna Bush: [trapped in a crate] Let us out!
Barbara Bush: Damn you to hell, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman!
Jenna Bush: My dad's the president! I'm gonna get your buried in oil, and then I'm gonna have my daddy invade you!
Barbara Bush: My dad will get your hurt! Yeah, how'd you like to have your ass kicked by Halli-b-burton or Halliblurton?
Jenna Bush: Ha ha ha!
Barbara Bush: Think Jenna, we're like old apples tied up to a bag of shit.
Jenna Bush: It's dark! I got to go to the bathroom!

The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course (2002)
President George Walker Bush: [on the phone] You mean that guy in the Khaki Shorts? That dude from the discovery channel?

"Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States: Global Warming/Hall Monitor (#1.4)" (2007)
Lil' George: Lil' Cheney, stop forming a barber shop quartet with past versions of yourself.

"Saturday Night Live: Seann William Scott/Sum41 (#27.2)" (2001)
[after the 9/11 attacks]
President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I'd like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden. Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I'm coming to get you. I'm not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's punishing evil-doers. You don't believe me, there's over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well... you can't ask them right now, but you'll have a chance real soon. And I'm sorry I wasn't there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said "Insufficient Funds". That's right - we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too. Make no mistake: we're coming for you, bin Laden. I'm gonna make you my own personal "Where's Waldo". And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I'm gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I'll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That's right. Don't mess with Texas.

"Robot Chicken: Massage Chair (#2.9)" (2006)
Bush's Aide: Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction.
George W. Bush: [trying to do the Jedi mind trick] You HAVE found weapons of mass destruction.
Bush's Aide: [stares at Bush] Uhh... hi. We haven't.
George W. Bush: You HAVE.
Bush's Aide: [sighs] I don't know what you're doing.
George W. Bush: Bring me a taco.
Bush's Aide: Yes, sir.
George W. Bush: Heh, heh, heh... Tacos rule.

Recount (2008) (TV)
George W. Bush: Let me make sure I understand. You are calling back to retract your concession?
Al Gore: Excuse me, but you don't have to get snippy about it.
George W. Bush: My little brother has assured me, I won the state of Florida.
Al Gore: Well, your little brother is not the ultimate authority on this.
George W. Bush: Mr. Vice President, you do what you have to do.

"Saturday Night Live: Conan O'Brien/Don Henley (#26.14)" (2001)
President George W. Bush: So what's my secret? I don't know. Mostly good genes I guess. And plenty of sleep. 14 hours a night. Every night, no ifs, ands or buts. Also keeping a moderate work schedule and taking frequent catnaps.

"Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States: Evolution/Press Corps Dinner (#1.5)" (2007)
Lil' George: Of course. When in doubt. Hide behind 9/11.

Postal (2007)
Osama bin Laden: Write me up an e-mail, tell me what pipe you're talkin' about and I'll blow it all the way to Mecca.
George W. Bush: I really appreciate it. I'll ask Laura to type that out. You know me and spelling and all...
Osama bin Laden: Later...
[hangs up; to Taliban]
Osama bin Laden: Jihad!

"Saturday Night Live: Rob Lowe/Eminem (#26.1)" (2000)
[Asked to Describe his statements in a Presidential Debate between him and Al Gore in one word]
George W. Bush: Strategery.

"Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States: Weekend at Saddamy's (#2.6)" (2008)
Lil' George: Oh yeah, and the kid pope is an alien who goes to Hawaii to forget about his ex-girlfriend.