Cliff Clavin
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Quotes for
Cliff Clavin (Character)
from "Cheers" (1982)

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"Cheers: Get Your Kicks on Route 666 (#10.2)" (1991)
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Frasier, Sam, Norm and Cliff taking a road trip] We're all dropping our inhibitions, we're going to go out and find our manhood on the open road.
Sam Malone: Yeah, like men.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, like men, we be.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Real men.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, like those chicks on Thelma and Louise.

[the guys are talking about the last time they cried]
Norm Peterson: There was one time, uh, we thought Vera was pregnant, and it turns out she wasn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, Norm.
Cliff Clavin: You never told me that, buddy.
Norm Peterson: Well, turns out she was lying. She didn't tell me until after the wedding. I must have cried for a week.

Cliff Clavin: Here we are wasting away in the desert. I never pictured that the four of us would go out like this.
Norm Peterson: How did you picture it, Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: Well, pictured Sammy getting topped by a jealous husband. Norm, I figured, you, you know... heart attack. Frasier here...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cliff, I don't want to hear.
Cliff Clavin: You bet you don't.

[Frasier, Sam, Cliff and Norm are stranded out in the desert. Norm is missing]
Cliff Clavin: You don't suppose some wolf dragged him off in the night, do you?
Sam Malone: Maybe we ought to take a look for him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not me. I don't want to meet the wolf that could drag off Norm.

Rebecca Howe: Look guys. Postcards from Woody.
Sam Malone: [excitedly] Hey, all right.
[Rebecca hands a postcard to each of Sam, Norm and Cliff]
Rebecca Howe: Listen to mine. "Dear Miss Howe. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." What does yours say, Sam?
Sam Malone: "Dear Sam. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody."
Norm Peterson: [reading his postcard under his breath but audibly] "...having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: "Dear Mr. Clavin. I'm having a great time on vacation. Love, Woody."

"Cheers: Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! (#10.24)" (1992)
Cliff Clavin: [in the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson audience] Hey-ya, Cliff Clavin. I'm from Boston. I wrote tonight's monologue.
Audience Member: Really? Then you know Johnny.
Cliff Clavin: Well, does anybody *really* know Johnny?

Johnny Carson: [after telling Cliff's joke and hearing the audience dislike it] Whoa, stay where you are. Fortunately folks, in a situations like this, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of the star. How did that line get on the cue cards, anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
Cliff Clavin: [angrily getting to his feet] I wrote that joke, and it was great!
Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
Cliff Clavin: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you! You botched it! You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
Norm Peterson: Sit down.
Cliff Clavin: [being let away by security] I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke! Get your hands off me! Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?
Johnny Carson: [to audience] Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of NBC.

Cliff Clavin: [laughing] Yeah, there'll be a lawsuit, that's for sure. In a year, this is gonna be the Clavin Broadcasting Company.
Security Guard: Yep, his name's in the computer. And here's a flash: he's a Postal worker.

[on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Carson reads Cliff's joke twice; each time, the NBC Studio audience boos]
Johnny Carson: Whose joke is this?
Cliff: It's *my* joke! You busted me!
[Cliff is led away by security guards]
Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC.

[after the taping of The Tonight Show, Cliff is on the seemingly empty stage]
Cliff: [miming bowling] Heeere's Cliffy!
[Johnny Carson applauds and approaches Cliff]
Johnny Carson: How does it feel on stage?
Cliff: Good.
Johnny Carson: Now get the hell out of here before I call security.

"Cheers: Peterson Crusoe (#3.11)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: A flaw on the x-ray.
[everyone breathes a sigh of relief for Norm]
Cliff Clavin: Oh, let me buy you a drink, Normie.
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, no, not right now, Cliff. Right now I think I'm going to take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to lately: Norm Peterson.
Diane Chambers: I think I understand.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Well, I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.

[Norm is about ready to head off for good to Bora Bora]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Goodbye Normie.
Norm Peterson: Goodbye Coach.
[they give each other a big hug]
Cliff Clavin: Coach, Coach, you're going to feel pretty silly when he pulls the plug on this gag, you wait and see.
Norm Peterson: You understand, don't you Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No, Normie, but they'll tell me later.

Cliff Clavin: When I was a lad, I went to see the movie Trapeze with Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No kidding Cliffy, did you sit between them?

Cliff Clavin: [through a closed door] Normie, it's your best buddy.
Norm Peterson: Go away Frank.

"Cheers: Norm, Is That You? (#7.6)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: [on the telephone] I don't know Eddie, try, try under the bed. Uh, well, if they're not there, look in the back of the closet, or behind the dresser, or in the washing machine. Yeah, if you still can't find them, call me back.
[hangs up the telephone]
Carla LeBec: I swear to God that man would lose his head if it weren't bolted on.
Cliff Clavin: What's, uh, what's up there, Carla?
Carla LeBec: Eddie wants to take the twins for a walk.
Cliff Clavin: Ah, can't find his shoes, huh?
Carla LeBec: Nah, can't find the twins.

Cliff Clavin: You know Rebecca, I don't know why you're so concerned about your figure. You know, back in the Renaissance times, full figured women were revered.
Norm Peterson: Get out.
Cliff Clavin: It's true. Yeah, yeah, artists would only paint big, voluptuous women. In fact, that's how they got rid of a lot of their old paint.

Cliff Clavin: [with Sam, Woody and Carla, after overhearing Norm's conversation with interior decorating clients about his sexuality] Norm, how could you do this to us?
Norm Peterson: What, do what?
Cliff Clavin: We're your best friends. I can't believe you didn't feel close enough to share this part of your life with us.
Norm Peterson: This part, what... Guys, I'm straight. I'm not gay.
Cliff Clavin: No, no, who cares about that. You can get stuff at wholesale.

Woody Boyd: [Opens a package from home] Oh, boy! My aunt Edna's killer fudge brownies!
Cliff Clavin: Oh, killers, eh?
Woody Boyd: [Passing the brownies around] Yeah, they're called that because the first time my uncle Ford ever smelled them baking he came running in from the field and got hit by a combine.
Woody Boyd: [Wistfully] He hung on for a few days. At the end, he was just praying to die.
Woody Boyd: Well, eat up, everybody!

"Cheers: How to Marry a Mailman (#8.4)" (1989)
Margaret 'Maggie' O'Keefe: I can't tell you how hard these months of separation have been. The men up in Canada, well they just don't compare to you.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, oh.
Margaret 'Maggie' O'Keefe: They're just pale, pathetic imitations of you Cliff.
Carla LeBec: Boy, that must be one butt ugly country.

Cliff Clavin: I spent the last few hours walking around the apartment blindfolded. I know every nook and cranny by heart.
Sam Malone: Didn't you bang the hell out of your shins?
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, yeah, the first ten or twenty times, but those nerves are long dead now.

Cliff Clavin: I'll just stand in front of that whatchamacallit that blows hot air.
Carla LeBec: You mean the automatic Clavin.

Cliff Clavin: You've seen my bumper sticker: "Letter Carriers Do It On Foot".
Norm Peterson: Yeah. Yeah, I have seen that one. I always wonder what the hell it meant.
Cliff Clavin: I... I'm not sure. They were giving them away free.

"Cheers: The Mail Goes to Jail (#3.17)" (1985)
Cliff Clavin: [after Cliff comes into the bar during the middle of his postal route, carrying his mail bag] As long as I'm carrying this bag, there's one thing that will never touch these lips.
Carla Tortelli: You mean there's something that wants to?

Cliff Clavin: All right, look, I'll call and see what the penalty is, but's it got to be anonymous.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to everyone in the bar] OK, everybody in favor of Cliff calling, raise your hand.
[everyone in the bar raises his/her hand]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's anonymous.

Cliff Clavin: What happened to the heat, Coach?
Diane Chambers: Oh, some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough to even attempt to fix.
Norm Peterson: Diane, I resent that, I'm kind of a handy guy; I'll have you know, just the other day, I uh, changed one of them, uh... what do you call them?
Carla Tortelli: A lightbulb?
Norm Peterson: Lightbulb, there you go!

Norm Peterson: You know, Cliffie, these are all on my way home
[holding mail to be delivered]
Norm Peterson: . Let me drop these off for you, Cliffie. I gotta go home anyway.
Cliff Clavin: Naw, Norm. You're not trained. You're not qualified.
Norm Peterson: What qualified? You drop them in a slot. A chimp could do it.
Cliff Clavin: No way. They did a study at the University of Michigan. The chimps were 32% slower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything, but...

"Cheers: Please Mr. Postman (#7.12)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: [facetiously] Was it my imagination, or was that woman coming on to me?
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Walt Disney should have had your imagination.

Cliff Clavin: [making a toast] As they say down at the post office, "here's looking up your address".

Margaret 'Maggie' O'Keefe: [about Cliff not going to Canada with her] But Cliff, it'll be so terrible. I'll, I'll be so cold and all alone. Who will keep me warm?
Cliff Clavin: You'll do fine Margaret. Women have that extra layer of fat.

"Cheers: Little Sister, Don't Cha (#2.2)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: Cliff, Annette's not as innocent as you think she is.
Cliff Clavin: What's that supposed to mean, Norm?
Norm Peterson: I mean, since she's been working here, she's been around... and around.
Cliff Clavin: What are you saying this for Norm? 'Cause you're jealous or something? 'Cause Annette and I are starting a new life together, and all the magic's gone out of your relationship?
Norm Peterson: More people have enjoyed Annette's magic than Doug Henning's.

Cliff Clavin: I've the best safety record in the branch, Coach. Never even been near an accident.
Paul: Not since you were born.
Cliff Clavin: Was that comment addressed to me, Paul?
Paul: Oh, no Cliff. If it were addressed to anybody, it'd probably get lost in the mail.
Cliff Clavin: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm Peterson: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Cliff Clavin: [the Cheers patrons are ribbing him about his attraction to Annette] I have very high standards for a woman.
Norm Peterson: Yeah. She has to like you, right?

"Cheers: For Real Men Only (#8.8)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: It's a memory quilt that all the women in my family made for me when I graduated from high school.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I've heard of these things. A bunch of women get together and embroider patches that string together the happy memories of a young man's life.
Cliff Clavin: So these women were authentic folk artists then, huh?
Woody Boyd: No, just bored housewives.
Woody Boyd: Hey, check this out. See this soft blue square here? This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.
Norm Peterson: Now, what do those little dots signify?
Woody Boyd: Oh, that represents my very first childhood disease: smallpox. I almost died.
Cliff Clavin: Uh, what's that long green thing there?
Woody Boyd: Oh, this is the bean stalk from my very first high school play. I fell off it during the first act, cracked two ribs and punctured a lung. I almost died.
Woody Boyd: Oh, this red patch here represents the big fire that burned down my house when I was six.
Norm Peterson: And what, you almost died?
Woody Boyd: No, I got out. And while I was running away, I fell in this well right here, and I almost...
Woody Boyd: Well, you know.

Cliff Clavin: [in comparison to a Jewish bris] The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.
Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Cliff Clavin: When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell...
Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no don't tell me...
Cliff Clavin: ...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...
Sam Malone: Oh.
Cliff Clavin: ...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there...
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff...
Cliff Clavin: ...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff...
Sam Malone: Oh, here it comes.
Cliff Clavin: ...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really.
Sam Malone: Oh, wait... When do they circumcize the kid?
Cliff Clavin: What do you mean circumsize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you moolyak.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [about himself] I mean, how can you go back to a room where people think you're a total idiot. I mean, how do you do it, Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: Well, I don't really like to divulge... hey!

"Cheers: Teaching with the Enemy (#11.6)" (1992)
Cliff Clavin: You see, Tiny, uh, you know, calling you Tiny, a guy of your, you know, girth, is what we in the comedy profession call a juxtaposition. Right? Juxtaposition! You see, it's like calling a bald guy Curly, a fat guy Slim, a tall guy...
[Cliff waits for an answer from Tiny, which isn't forthcoming]
Cliff Clavin: ...Shorty!
Tiny the Bouncer: I like that. You're Smart.
Cliff Clavin: Why, thank you.
Tiny the Bouncer: No, that's your new nickname. Get it?

Woody Boyd: What's a Freudian slip?
Cliff Clavin: Why, it's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.

Dr. Frasier Crane: That's twice today that I've publicly made a fool of myself.
Cliff Clavin: Ah, you get used to it, Doc.

"Cheers: Fairy Tales Can Come True (#3.4)" (1984)
Cliff Clavin: I hear there's a tribe of men in the Middle East called the Eschonites, they're entirely celibate, they live without women. Rumour has it, they are the happiest men in the world. Tomorrow, I'm going to send for their brochure.

Tinker Bell: [after overhearing Cliff talk about the difference between California oranges and Florida oranges] Florida oranges are delicious.
Cliff Clavin: ...what?
Tinker Bell: [a little embarrassed to have spoken] Nothing, nothing.
Cliff Clavin: ...Uh, have you, uh, been to Florida?
Tinker Bell: No, but it's always been a crazy dream of mine to go. I hear that they have the world's largest pair of alligator shoes there.
Cliff Clavin: [shocked] That's right! In Orlando! I even sat in one of 'em!
Tinker Bell: Wow!
Cliff Clavin: ...W-what's your name?
Tinker Bell: T-tinkerbell. What's yours?
Cliff Clavin: Me? Uh, I guess it's Ponce de Leon.
Tinker Bell: Oh, the 'Fountain of Youth' guy that discovered Florida!
Cliff Clavin: [over-excited that she knows who he is dressed as!] Would you marry me and bear my children?

Cliff Clavin: Say, would you to go in the back and maybe, play some pool? Or as they say in Tallahassee, 'shoot some pocket billiards?'
Tinker Bell: I'd love to, Mr Leon.
Cliff Clavin: Oh please, call me Ponce.
Tinker Bell: [taking her beer, and leading the way to the pool room in the back of the bar] It looks like you're out to conquer new territory, Ponce.
Cliff Clavin: [leaning against the bar after hearing her last words] Holy, God!

"Cheers: One Hugs, the Other Doesn't (#10.16)" (1992)
[Carla is talking on the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [yelling] This is sick. Just stop harrassing me. You'll get your money when I'm good and ready. And if you try to contact me at the workplace one more time, I'm going to turn you over to the authorities.
[Carla slams down the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [to Norm] Jerk!
Norm Peterson: Which one of your kids was that?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That was not one of my kids. I don't talk to my kids that way.
Cliff Clavin: Bill collector then, huh?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, it was my mother. Her social security check is late. Like it's my fault that she's getting old.
[Carla walks away]
Rebecca Howe: [to Norm and Cliff] Did you hear the way she talked to her mother. I could never talk to my mother like that.
Rebecca Howe: [running after Carla] Hey Carla, could you give my mom a call?

Cliff Clavin: Eh, pretty good eats, huh Norm?
Norm Peterson: Not bad for a two-year-old. I myself have been enjoying these teeny little tuna fish sandwiches shaped like tiny little dinosaurs.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, well quite ironic actually, uh seeing as how tuna, known in Latin as Pisces Middayacus, roughly translated as lunch fish, was uh, w-was not a contemporary of the uh prehistoric reptilian land wanderers.

"Cheers: Diane's Perfect Date (#1.17)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: Ah, Sammy, watching you getting ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.
Cliff Clavin: I hate that stuff. You know, who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor, unthinking creature like that?
Sam Malone: Hey, I always buy 'em breakfast, don't I?

Sam Malone: [reading Norm's self-written resume] "Norm Peterson: thought-provoking, poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions. If you hire only one accountant this year, make it Norm Peterson!" What is this?
Cliff Clavin: He had the paper open to the movie section, Sam.

"Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans (#5.9)" (1986)
Sam Malone: Come on, you guys, come on. We don't have to bite each others' heads off here.
Cliff Clavin: It may be the only thing we get to eat this day, Sammy.

Woody Boyd: This is Thanksgiving, and I still say this is going to be the greatest.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, who the hell do we think we're kidding? We're all a bunch of pathetic dropouts. Scorned by our loved ones - as if anybody ever loved us at all.
Sam Malone: Hey, will you lighten up, man? The only thing wrong here is, we're hungry. Now, who else wants to join me in these... ice cold potatoes?
Cliff Clavin: It'll go great here with the Jell-o soup.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm dying to try some of the hair growing on the crudités!

"Cheers: Two Girls for Every Boyd (#8.9)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: Boy, this is a big night for me. Who wants to help me paint the town?
Norm Peterson, Cliff Clavin, Pete: Oh, hey, all right.
Norm Peterson: Oh, hey let's go.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, where we going Wood?
Woody Boyd: To the theater. I'm in charge of scenery and I've got to paint the town.

Woody Boyd: Wait, this is a misunderstanding.
Emily: Yeah, listen to him.
Kelly Gaines: [to Emily] You stay out of this!
Cliff Clavin: Oh, Woody's babes comin' ta blows!
[the guys at the bar all start chanting "Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!"]
Kelly Gaines: [after Emily blocks the door, keeping her from leaving] You get out of my way right now or so help me I'll, I'll, I'll hurt your feelings!
Emily: You do, and I'll hurt yours right back.
[the guys at the bar turn away, realizing the fight's gone 'tame,' chanting "Kitten fight. Kitten fight. Kitten fight."]

"Cheers: Bar Wars (#6.23)" (1988)
Carla LeBec: I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.
Cliff Clavin: Why don't you marry him.
Carla LeBec: Why don't you.
Cliff Clavin: Why don'tch-you.
Carla LeBec: Why don'tch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.
Carla LeBec: ch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.
Carla LeBec: ch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.
Carla LeBec: ch-you.
Cliff Clavin: ch-you.

[Cliff is describing a poem he is about to recite]
Cliff Clavin: It's written in iambic pentathlon with rhyming couplets, every couple of couplets.

"Cheers: Cheerio, Cheers (#3.22)" (1985)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Diane, I've got the most exciting news. It just couldn't wait.
Diane Chambers: What is it? You're positively tingling.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Come and sit down. I have been awarded an honor that surpasses anything that I could have hoped to have achieved at this point in my career, it goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, hey, Doc, what are we talking here, a Nobel Prize, huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, we're not talking Nobel Prize.
Norm Peterson: What, Pulitzer? Come on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize.
Diane Chambers: Oh, a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's not a Guggenheim Fellowship.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, what did you win, a canned ham? You lost all the big ones.

Carla Tortelli: You know, this morning I was thinking I'm not married, I'm carrying my sixth kid, I'm broke, I live in squalor. I'm having a crisis of faith.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Oh, come on, Carla, don't talk like that.
Carla Tortelli: Well, would a just God be putting me through this, Coach?
Cliff Clavin: Well, Carla, I know it looks sort of bleak out there. But, uh, you just have to have patience. Remember Job.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliffie's right, honey. You got a good "jobe" here. You're in great health.
Carla Tortelli: I don't know.
[Carla walks away]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliff, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Carla, but you pronounce the word "job".

"Cheers: Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? (#10.8)" (1991)
Cliff Clavin: Normie.
Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Cliff Clavin: Even though I chipped in for the beer with the guys, I also got you a special little gift.
Norm Peterson: Oh yeah. What's that?
Cliff Clavin: Well, I did some research on the historical significance of birthdays - uncovered a lot of interesting facts, and, uh... I'm not going to share them with you. Happy birthday, big guy!

[the gang is talking about Kevin McHale's obsession with bar trivia, Carla who is blaming Norm and Cliff in particular]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You're like vampires - big butted, do-nothing vampires. And now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits. Well, I say it's got to stop. I'm not going to let you screw up his career.
Sam Malone: Come on. Lighten up, will ya. It's just Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Yeah, sure Sammy. Today it's how many bolts are in the floor. Tomorrow, they'll have him onto if the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes, who's going to eat who first.
Woody Boyd: They'll probably eat the maid cause she ain't kin.
Cliff Clavin: Well, you know but if they're smart, they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.

"Cheers: The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec (#8.23)" (1990)
[Norm notices things are going well between Darryl Mead and Carla]
Norm Peterson: Looks like Cupid just shot an arrow through Carla's heart.
Cliff Clavin: When did Carla get a heart?

[Madame Lazora, Carla's psychic, enters Cheers for the first time]
Carla LeBec: It's so good of you to come on short notice.
Madame Lazora: My pleasure. So, this is your work place. It's just as you described it. The faces of the dead linger here.
Cliff Clavin: Oh. Boy oh boy, you're in contact with the spirits already?
Madame Lazora: No. I was talking about lard butts like yourself.

"Cheers: Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman (#11.5)" (1992)
[Andy Schroeder, the murderer who once dated Diane, comes into the bar with dynamite strapped to his body]
Rebecca Howe: [gasps in fright as she sees Andy] Oh my God.
Norm Peterson: Hey, it's Andy Andy.
Rebecca Howe: What, you know this person?
Cliff Clavin: [matter of factly] Yeah. Former major felon. Once killed a waitress.
Andy Schroeder: [yells] Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane!
Woody Boyd: Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here in five or six years.
Andy Schroeder: [surprised] Oh, really? Well... okay.
[Andy walks out of the bar as plainly as he came in]

Cliff Clavin: I didn't tell you guys 'cause I didn't want you to think any less of me.
Norm Peterson: I don't think that's possible, Cliff.

"Cheers: Behind Every Great Man (#3.19)" (1985)
[Norm and Cliff walk into the bar]
Norm Peterson: Afternoon everybody.
Everyone in the Bar: [loudly] Norm!
Cliff Clavin: Afternoon everybody.
[dead silence]

Norm Peterson: [about his and Cliff's meal at The Hungry Heifer] Yeah, Cliffy had himself the tunnel T-bone. For less than four bucks, you get 24 ounces of USDA choice US bef.
Cliff Clavin: Bef? You mean beef.
Norm Peterson: Beef? Don't be ridiculous Cliffy, that stuff is bef. You see, it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic, what... , meat-like substance.
Cliff Clavin: Ohh, Norm.
Norm Peterson: What do expect for four bucks? Do you hear me complain about the loobster?

"Cheers: The Stork Brings a Crane (#8.6)" (1989)
Sam Malone: [reading a newspaper article] "100 years ago today, a new tavern opened at 112-1/2 Beacon Street."
Cliff Clavin: Wait, wait, a mailman never forgets an address, now. Why is 112-1/2 Beacon Street sending a message to my brain?
Carla LeBec: Probably because you're sitting on it.
Cliff Clavin: Carla, I hate it when you make those sitting on my brain jokes.
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, she meant 112-1/2 Beacon Street. That's Cheers' address. You're sitting here.
Carla LeBec: No, I was making a Cliff sitting on his brain joke.
Cliff Clavin: [to Norm] See, I told you. Thank you, Carla.

Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Frasier, the child will be born when the child is ready to be born.
Cliff Clavin: Well, enjoy your freedom, Lilith. Cause once you've gone through the unspeakable horror of childbirth and the painful drudgery of parenthood, you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you'd sold the little brat to the gypsies.
Carla LeBec: How would you know?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, that's what my Ma tells me.

"Cheers: The Peterson Principle (#4.18)" (1986)
Cliff Clavin: It's a little known fact, forty-two percent of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.
Carla Tortelli: So are you.

Cliff Clavin: We can't let this type of un-American activity go unchecked. Before you know it, out leaders will be in chains, our women will be learning how to shot-put. And all we vital American males will be forced fed borscht along with generous helpings of Das Kapital.

"Cheers: One for the Road (#11.25)" (1993)
[Norm and Cliff are watching the National ACE Cable Awards on television]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you watching for any particular category?
Cliff Clavin: Yes, the Most Impressive Display of Female Flesh in the, uh, Tight Fitting Dress.

Sam Malone: How's it going, Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: [angrily] I'm in no mood to talk.
[there is thunderous applause from everyone in the bar]

"Cheers: The Last Picture Show (#11.18)" (1993)
Newscaster on Television: We're going live now to the Route 93 overpass where an unidentified woman has climbed to the outside rail and is threatening to jump. An emergency rescue team has had no luck so far in persuading the woman to climb down from her dangerous perch.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, boy. As one who has been there, it is imperative that they do nothing to agitate that woman.
Cliff Clavin: Boy, oh boy. I mean, what would have to go wrong in your life to be driven to such desperate measures, huh?
Newscaster on Television: We have a tentative identification. The woman is Anna Cosetti of Boston...
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sam, can I take the afternoon off?
Sam Malone: Why?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: I gotta go look after the kids. That woman is my babysitter.

[Norm, Cliff, Woody and Frasier are watching the Godzilla movies at a drive-in theater]
Cliff Clavin: So, what did I miss? Why is that girl running around screaming at everybody?
Norm Peterson: Well, she's trying to convince them that Godzilla's merely confused, not really trying to hurt them.
Cliff Clavin: Isn't that the part usually played by Akira Nakamura?
Norm Peterson: Yeah, yeah, but she left half way through the Godzilla series.
Woody Boyd: I don't understand. Why would an actress leave right in the middle of a successful series?

"Cheers: The Last Angry Mailman (#6.7)" (1987)
Esther Clavin: [looking at photos in a scrapbook with Cliff] Oh look, there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, it's because you used to always lock the door on me Ma.
Esther Clavin: Well, look at the result, you're a very polite young man.

Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as... Backseat Becky.
[general laughter among the crowd]
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: [looking in Rebecca's direction] Oh, looky here. Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Rebecca Howe: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Carla LeBec, Cliff Clavin, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.

"Cheers: Ma Always Liked You Better (#9.5)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: I got you a great hotel here. Look, it's got HBO...
Esther Clavin: You shouldn't go to that expense. All I need is a large appliance carton and I can sleep on the street with all the other forgotten mothers.

Esther Clavin: Clifford, I'm not trying to make you jealous. I don't have to. I found a wonderful companion in Woody. He's like the son I never had.
Cliff Clavin: What about me?
Esther Clavin: You're the son I did have.

"Cheers: What is... Cliff Clavin? (#8.14)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: [yells to everyone in the bar] All right guys. I guess you heard the story. I guess everyone knows by now, huh? I'm nothing but a loser.
Pete: [pats Cliff on the back sympathetically] Oh, it's OK, Cliff. We understand.
Cliff Clavin: I can't believe I lost on Jeopardy!
Pete: Oh, you were on Jeopardy?

[Cliff is appearing on Jeopardy]
Alex Trebek: Let's go to Cliff and get his Final Jeopardy answer. "Who are people who have never been in my kitchen?" I'm sorry, that is wrong.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Alex. I can offer conclusive proof that those three people have never been in my kitchen.

"Frasier: Cheerful Goodbyes (#9.21)" (2002)
Cliff Clavin: You were always there for me, Al.
Phil: I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a bitch!

Cliff Clavin: So whats goin down, Norm?
Norm Peterson: My blood alcohol level.

"Cheers: Endless Slumper (#1.10)" (1982)
Cliff: That's a little bit too much baseball for me. I'm heading out of here.
Norm: Not me, Cliffie. I'm a real Red Sox fan. I stay to the very last out.
Sam: It's closing time, Norm. I can't serve you any more.
Norm: [getting up to leave] It's not like it's the World Series or anything.

[first lines]
Miss Gilder: Excuse me, I'm here in response to the ad in the newspaper about Mrs. Tortelli's children.
Cliff: Oh. What, is she trying to sell them again?

"Cheers: The Bar Manager, the Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover (#11.17)" (1993)
[the gang at the bar are plotting how to escape from a mad gunman holding them hostage]
Cliff Clavin: Ah, I got it. How about I sob uncontrollably and lose control of my bodily functions?
Norm Peterson: Cliff, is that a plan?
Cliff Clavin: No, actually it's more of a warning.

Cliff Clavin: [about Dr. Pascal] Boy, look at that poor moolyak, huh? I really pity him. It really makes you think though, doesn't it? Where's that fine line between sanity and insanity.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Look behind you, Clavin. You stepped over it about a year ago.

"Cheers: The King of Beers (#11.3)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: I think I got a job.
Sam Malone: Hey, all right, Normy.
Cliff Clavin: All right, everybody, stand back! I'll take care of this.
[to Norm]
Cliff Clavin: All right, mister. I don't know what pod you crawled out of, but you're not welcome in our world. Now go in peace, and give us our Normy back!

"Cheers: The Executive's Executioner (#3.21)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What's wrong there, Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, a couple moved in next door to me and Ma. They're just not our kind of people. They're loud, they're noisy, up to all hours playing their be-bop music. Automobile parts strewn all over the yard - nothing I can use.

"Cheers: Money Dearest (#5.3)" (1986)
Cliff Clavin: Normie. Call all my friends.
Norm Peterson: I think he moved.

"Cheers: Cry Harder (#8.26)" (1990)
Jim Montgomery: [talking for the Lillian Corporation Board of Directors] We know you've been trying to buy back this bar for some time now, and we've decided as a token of our gratitude, the least we can do is sell it to you at a reduced price.
Sam Malone: You're kidding. How much?
Jim Montgomery: One dollar. Take it or leave it.
Sam Malone: This bar? I give you a dollar and this bar is mine?
Jim Montgomery: That's right, Mr. Malone. Nice catch.
Sam Malone: I can't believe this, this bar is mine, all I have to do is give you a doll...
[Sam looks into his empty wallet]
Sam Malone: Oh, sh, shoot, shoot...
Sam Malone: [to Norm and Frasier] Hey, give me a dollar, huh.
Norm Peterson: I'm all tapped out, Sam.
[Frasier shrugs]
Sam Malone: Hey, anybody, pl... Hey Woody, give me a dollar, man.
Woody Boyd: Hey, you already owe me a dollar, Sam.
Carla LeBec: Sam, I got a quarter.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, hey Sammy, here's a dime.
Pete: Here's four bits.
Sam Malone: Right. I, uh, OK I got eighty-five cents here.
Jim Montgomery: I'll take it.
Sam Malone: Hey, guys. I low-balled him.

"Cheers: Norman's Conquest (#2.20)" (1984)
Cliff Clavin: [about Norm's lying about a sexual conquest] Boy what a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.
Carla Tortelli: I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either.

"Cheers: Is There a Doctor in the Howe? (#11.16)" (1993)
[Sam is outside the bar's front door, cleaning graffiti off the wall, namely the initials N.R.P. Cliff is watching him through the door's window]
Rebecca Howe: Not again.
Sam Malone: It's the fifth time this week. If I find out who this N.R.P. creep is, I'm going to really let him have it.
[inside the bar, Norm is pilfering beer out of the beer taps]
Cliff Clavin: Hurry up Norm, Sam is getting a lot faster at this.
Norm Peterson: Got it.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Norm. I know that the N.P. stands for Norm Peterson. What does the R stand for?
Norm Peterson: Resourceful.

"Cheers: Give Me a Ring Sometime (#1.1)" (1982)
Cliff Clavin: [to Diane] What about you, Miss. What are your perspiration patterns?

"Cheers: Jumping Jerks (#7.8)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: Don't you guys ever watch anything but The Magnificent Seven?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, as a matter of fact, we rented The Magnificent Ambersons, but watched it for a couple of minutes, realized it wasn't a sequel, so we went back to watching The Magnificent Seven.

"Cheers: Norm's Big Audit (#11.13)" (1993)
Norm Peterson: Hey Cliffy. Whatcha doing?
Cliff Clavin: I'm filling out an application for the Boston Marathon. It's something I do every year.
Norm Peterson: What, you mean you run in the Boston Marathon?
Cliff Clavin: No, no, I just get the free T-shirt. It impresses the girls down in the gym.
Norm Peterson: Ah. Wait, wait, wait. You work out in a gym?
Cliff Clavin: Nah. I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.

"Cheers: Knights of the Scimitar (#5.8)" (1986)
[Cliff has just joined the lodge The Knights of the Scimitar, and wants Sam, Norm and Woody to join as well, but says he can only ask one person at a time. None really want to, but also don't want to tell Cliff directly]
Cliff Clavin: I figured out a fair way to do the choosing, OK? I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Whoever is the closest, wins. Norm, you first.
Norm Peterson: 2,000,012.
Sam Malone: 2,000,013.
Woody Boyd: 2,000,014.
Cliff Clavin: Well, the number was 4. Norm's closest with 2,000,012.
Woody Boyd: [mad] Darn, I was going to say 4. I should have stuck with my first instinct.

"Cheers: Bad Neighbor Sam (#9.9)" (1990)
[Woody is phoning Kelly to find out who the man was that took suggestive photos of her. A French speaking man answers the phone]
Woody Boyd: [to Norm, Frasier and Cliff about the man on the phone] Do you know what that pervert said to me? 'Allô'. What does that mean in English?
Norm Peterson: Wai, wai, wait, I took some French in high school. I think allô, allô means, um, 'I've got your girlfriend in my arms and, um, soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold'.
Cliff Clavin: That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant, 'I have your girlfriend in my arms and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold'.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Norm and Cliff] Oh, for God sake, stop hectoring the poor lad.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Woody] It simply means that I enjoyed your girlfriend...

"Cheers: The Little Match Girl (#11.1)" (1992)
[Witnessed by Frasier and Cliff among others, Sam has just kicked Rebecca out of Cheers for good for accidentally burning down the bar, and tells everyone that they are not to defend her]
Frasier: Well, I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.
Cliff: You want to see dark sides, you ought to see Ma when you leave the shower curtain on the outside of the tub. That's something you don't do twice.

"Cheers: 'I' on Sports (#6.2)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sam, may I suggest deception.
Cliff Clavin: Well, ah, hold on to your horses there, Frasier. I mean, as a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to seek and uphold the truth?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, get real, Cliff.

"Cheers: Those Lips, Those Ice (#7.5)" (1988)
Cliff Clavin: Say, Rebecca. Was it a big hassle getting those company tickets for Woody?
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Can you get some for me?
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Ah, I get it, employees only, huh?
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Gotcha. Can't go to the well too often.
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Then you just don't want to get 'em for me?
Rebecca Howe: Yes.
Cliff Clavin: Well, no harm in asking.

"Cheers: Diane Chambers Day (#4.22)" (1986)
Cliff Clavin: Man, will you get a load of the warheads on that cellist!

"Cheers: Death Takes a Holiday on Ice (#8.7)" (1989)
Carla LeBec: I bet the only reason he married you was because he knocked you up.
Gloria LeBec: How do you know that?
Carla LeBec: Babe's intuition.
Gloria LeBec: Yeah? Well, maybe that's the same reason he married you.
Carla LeBec: Yeah, but with me, it wasn't a cheap thrill. It was a very tender moment in the back of a Datsun hatchback.
Gloria LeBec: [raises her hand] Toyota Corolla. Front seat.
Cliff Clavin: All right ladies, ladies, let's stop right now, huh? Uh, all this talk about conceiving your children in these cars. This makes me sick. Doesn't anybody buy American anymore?

"Cheers: Veggie-Boyd (#9.10)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: You know Woody, the way that Ma got me used to a new vegetable like, say Brussels sprouts, she used to put a few in each of my pockets and have me walk around with them all day.
Woody Boyd: Well, thanks Mr. Clavin, but Brussel sprouts aren't the problem.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, you should try it anyway. It's a nice feeling.

"Cheers: Norm's First Hurrah (#5.23)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: Boy oh boy, talk about your lucky days, huh, I just found twenty smackers back there in the pool room. And to celebrate my good fortune, I'm going to buy a round a drinks for all my friends.
Carla Tortelli: What are you going to do with the other nineteen bucks?
Sam Malone: Woody, that could be your twenty dollar bill, the one you lost.
Woody Boyd: Hey yeah, you know I was in the pool room earlier.
Cliff Clavin: Hey, wait a second. Let's be fair about this. Give me the serial number.
Sam Malone: Oh, come on man. Nobody knows serial numbers.
Woody Boyd: L21886119B
Cliff Clavin: [hands the bill to Woody] That's amazing.
Sam Malone: How did you do that?
Woody Boyd: I memorize the serial numbers on all my currency.
Sam Malone: Why?
Woody Boyd: For just such an occasion. Tell you though, I pray every day I don't get rich.

"Cheers: Hot Rocks (#7.17)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr. Voted admiral, 1974. 1983: Commander U.S. Pacific Command. 1985: appointed eleventh Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Wife: Shirley.
William J. Crowe Jr.: I'm impressed young man. How come you know so much about me?
Cliff Clavin: Simple sir. I'm an American.

"Cheers: Cheers Has Chili (#9.21)" (1991)
Woody Boyd: Mom finally sent out Grandma Meg's pressure cooker, so last night I whipped up a batch of chili.
Norm Peterson: Oh!
Woody Boyd: Do you want to try some?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane, Cliff Clavin, Norm Peterson, Dr. Frasier Crane, Pete: Oh yeah. Sure.
Woody Boyd: From an old family recipe.
Pete: Your Grandma's?
Woody Boyd: Nah, this old family that lived down the road.

"Cheers: Don't Paint Your Chickens (#7.15)" (1989)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Congratulate the doctor. I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.
Norm Peterson: Oh, that's great Frase.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'd like to read it to you to see if it's still accessible to the layman. May I have your opinion?
Carla LeBec: Sure: buy a new suit, get a haircut, and stay home.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Carla. Now, I call the piece, "Ingmar Bergman: Poet of the Subconscious". The films of Ingmar Bergman...
Norm Peterson: Boy, who could forget her in 'Casablanca', huh?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, you're thinking of Ingrid Bergman, I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?
Cliff Clavin: No Woody, you're thinking of Ingemar Johansson.
Sam Malone: You mean the guy that knocked out Floyd Patterson?
Norm Peterson: No, no, no, Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.
Pete: Who knocked out Johansson?
Norm Peterson: Patterson.
Steve: Before Liston?
Norm Peterson: No, Johansson knocked out Liston.
Cliff Clavin: Well, who knocked out Patterson?
Woody Boyd: Was it Ingrid Bergman?
Pete: Ingrid Bergman...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [yells] Shut up, shut up! Not one more word. I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman, not to start an Abbott and Costello routine.
Norm Peterson: Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis.
Sam Malone: You mean, Joe Louis?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, he's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.
Woody Boyd: Then who knocked out Lou Costello?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Apparently Ingrid Bergman.
Woody Boyd: Boy, she was tougher than she looked.

"Cheers: Pitch It Again, Sam (#9.23)" (1991)
Cliff Clavin: Guess what followed me home?
Carla: A slime trail?

"Cheers: Send in the Crane (#7.9)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: [upon hearing Sam wants to take his former girlfriend's attractive daughter to the Zoo] Zoo's are kind of sad, y'know? I mean all those seditery animals: can't move, can't run free. They just, uh, sit there and drink, and, shovel food in their faces.
Norm Peterson: [who happens to have been drinking beer and shoveling peanuts into his face during this time] That man, is no kind of life.

"Cheers: Manager Coach (#2.8)" (1983)
Sam Malone: Every guy needs a hobby, right?
Norm Peterson: I wish I had time for one.
Cliff Clavin: Norm, you've got time to make your own coal.

"Cheers: Where Nobody Knows Your Name (#9.4)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: Anyone seen my gum? I left it around here somewhere.
Norm Peterson: What did you take your gum out for?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, give my mouth a rest.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [starts writing in his book] Dear Diary, today it finally happened...

"Cheers: Feeble Attraction (#8.11)" (1989)
Doris: Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?
Cliff Clavin: Well, ah, you know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.

"Cheers: Woody Goes Belly Up (#4.2)" (1985)
Cliff Clavin: [to Beth, newly arrived in Boston] You know, Boston is the hub of Boston proper, which comprises some, oh there's probably some two and three quarter million people, spread out in eighty-three cities and towns.
Al: [overhears the conversation] Get outta here.
Cliff Clavin: Do you question my figures?
Al: No. I want you to get outta here.

"Cheers: Finally!: Part 2 (#8.16)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: Hey, ah, I hope you don't mind all these questions Bill, but after all we are paying for that drink.
Bill Medley: No, no, no. I love it. As a matter of fact, this is what it's all about: being with the people, and talking about music with the fans. I mean, you guys are real knowledgeable and aware of what's going on, and I dig it.
Bill Medley: [to Woody] Now, what was your question?
Woody Boyd: Ah, well, Mr. Medley. How come you changed your name from Righteous?

"Cheers: My Fair Clavin (#6.11)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: Listen up everybody. Clifford Clavin has decided to make a major life change.
Carla LeBec: Don't bother. You'd be a dorky woman too.

"Cheers: Simon Says (#5.21)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: [talking to Simon] So if you Brits ever find yourselves in trouble against, uh, another major Military power like Argentina, don't worry about a thing. We Yanks will be there to bail you out just like we worked on the last two big ones, eh?
[Simon just gives a quiet, smiling nod, 'masking' his true emotions]
Norm Peterson: Cliffy! Cliff, there's a gentleman over here that thinks you know absolutely nothing about photosynthesis.
Cliff Clavin: [getting up] Oh yeah, Norm? Well, I'll straighten him out.

"Cheers: Call Me, Irresponsible (#7.20)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: All right, I got it, I got it. The worst possible way to die: to be eaten alive by rats.
Norm Peterson: Naw, I think I can do better than that. I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, OK? A greased razor banister.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Wait, I've got it. To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.
Norm Peterson: Come on Frasier, if you're not even going to try...

"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Cliff Clavin: [offering Kelly some of his vegetable preparations] Beetabega fajita-on-a-pita?
Kelly Gaines: [thinking he's speaking Spanish] No habla espanol, senor.

"Cheers: Swear to God (#7.2)" (1988)
Cliff Clavin: It's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. You see, that's the only way that we can prove that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

"Cheers: How Do I Love Thee?... Let Me Call You Back (#2.10)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I got a great idea, right? I'll think of number from one and ten. Who comes closest gets to go with Sam.
Norm Peterson: Fair enough.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Fair enough?
Norm Peterson: OK.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: OK? Normie?
Norm Peterson: Uh, seven.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Carla?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Nine.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: Two.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I'll say three.
Cliff Clavin: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Uh, Coach, Coach, you can't say anything. You know what it is.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I know. It's six.
Norm Peterson: Why did you say three?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Three's my lucky number.

"Cheers: It's Lonely on the Top (#11.22)" (1993)
Norm: Would you like to tell me what is tattooed on my butt forever?
Cliff: A big American flag with the words "God Bless the U.S. Postal Service".
Cliff: What does mine say?
Norm: I love Vera.
Cliff: If you want I can come over and show Vera.
Norm: No, Cliff, that's all right.
Cliff: Then would you mind coming by the Post Office and show all the guys?

"Cheers: Sam Turns the Other Cheek (#3.5)" (1984)
Norm Peterson: [about dumping girlfriend Maxine] Now you want to tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy? She looked perfect to me. Body was a 10.
Cliff Clavin: So was her face.
Diane Chambers: So was her IQ.

"Cheers: Slumber Party Massacred (#6.22)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [talking about Carla] She was complaining she's missed out on all that teenage stuff. You know - homecoming, proms. What if we do something to take her back to her teen years?
Rebecca Howe: Like get her pregnant?
Cliff Clavin: Nah. That's been done to death.

"Cheers: Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey (#11.19)" (1993)
[Norm and Cliff have just gotten dressed]
Norm Peterson: You know, my underwear's a little tight.
Cliff Clavin: It's funny, mine's a little loose.
[realizing they are wearing each other's underwear, they simultaneously scream]

"Cheers: The Bar Stoolie (#4.10)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Cliffy.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah?
Sam Malone: Telephone.
Carla Tortelli: Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?
Norm Peterson: This is a first, bud. I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, I know who this is. It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her Levelors. Yeah, old man's probably out of town, she's looking for a little C.O.D.: Cliffy On Demand.

"Cheers: Old Flames (#2.7)" (1983)
Cliff Clavin: What's the matter, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Uh, oh, nothing. Just that my shorts are binding up on me.
Cliff Clavin: Just stand up and straighten them out.
Norm Peterson: Nah. I'll give 'em five minutes. Sometimes they self-correct.
Diane Chambers: The level of conversation in this bar could not sink any lower.
[Dave Richards walks into the bar]
Dave Richards: [to Diane] Hiya wonderbuns.
Diane Chambers: "Going down"!

"Cheers: Grease (#9.6)" (1990)
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cliff, do you want to shoot some stick?
Cliff Clavin: Let's shoot some stick, doctor.
Woody Boyd: [as Cliff and Frasier head to the pool room] Oh hey, before you go back there Dr. Crane, I should tell you that Carla's keeping a guard on the pool table.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why's she doing that?
Cliff Clavin: I guess she likes him.

"Cheers: Rich Man, Wood Man (#10.19)" (1992)
Cliff Clavin: I have great respect for the leech.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

"Cheers: Madame LaCarla (#10.3)" (1991)
[Woody is appearing in a stage production of Arsenic and Old Lace]
Cliff Clavin: All I can tell you, Woody, is that Ma loved the play. There's something about the idea of sweet old ladies being cold blooded murderers just seemed to tickle her funny bone. All the way home, she just laughed and laughed. As a matter of fact, I woke up at three A.M., and there she was sitting in my room in a rocking chair, rocking back and forth, staring at me and making this low gutteral chuckle. Boy, does she love the theater.

"Cheers: Bidding on the Boys (#6.8)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: This is great! We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record. How many guys do we have left?
Carla LeBec: Just Sammy.
Rebecca Howe: Oh well, there's always next year.
Sam Malone: Two thousand dollars? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair.
[he walks away]
Rebecca Howe: Come on you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself. God, if we just had one more hunk.
Cliff Clavin: All right, all right, all right.
[he gets up]
Rebecca Howe: Mr. Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture, but isn't there some regulation against government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking. I thank you.
[he shakes her hand]
Cliff Clavin: Boy, I shudder to think what might of happened.
Norm Peterson: We all do.

"Cheers: Snow Job (#2.18)" (1984)
Tommy: Say, you're not by any chance Cliff Clavin?
Cliff Clavin: Sure am. You heard of me?
Tommy: Your name is kind of a symbol around our branch office.
Cliff Clavin: Is that right?
Tommy: Yeah. Well, like, just the other day, I messed up, you know, and my supervisor told me to get my head out of my Clavin.

"Cheers: Coach in Love: Part 1 (#3.6)" (1984)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Normie, Normie, how did you propose to Vera?
Norm Peterson: Well, I ah, you know something? I don't think I did. Do you think there could be a loophole in this terrible tragedy?
Cliff Clavin: No, not if you consumated it.
Norm Peterson: Egad, why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday?!

"Cheers: Cheers: The Motion Picture (#5.24)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: [about his role in the US Postal Service] I'm only one link in this chain - a strong link, a vital link.
Carla Tortelli: A missing link.

"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 (#6.3)" (1987)
Norm Peterson: [reading a sleazy tabloid] Geez, Cliff, listen to this. "Scientists Discover Wild Parrot Who Claims to Be Elvis".
Cliff Clavin: So?
Norm Peterson: So? I mean, this one wins the "Too Stupid For Even You Cliff" award.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [exasperated] Oh, really. Must you two wallow in this sensationalistic tripe? I mean, it pains me no end to see America's wits dulled and their morals abrogated by this opiate to the asses.
Norm Peterson: Well, check this out, Cliffy. "I was Sigmund Freud's Love Child".
Dr. Frasier Crane: [totally excited] No?
[Frasier runs back to Norm and grabs the tabloid paper and tries to find the story]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I've heard rumors they betrayed Martha with his sister-in-law, but I never dreamed there'd be progeny.
[reads further. can't find the story. learns he's been had]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You rapscallions.

"Cheers: Go Make (#10.12)" (1991)
Cliff Clavin: [walks into Cheers on a winter afternoon] Woody, set me up with a beer, will you?
Woody Boyd: Aren't you going to finish your mail route, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff Clavin: Are you kidding? There's too much snow and sleet out there. Besides, it's getting a little dark.

"Cheers: The Crane Mutiny (#6.5)" (1987)
Woody Boyd: Sam, I found an apartment.
Sam Malone: Hey, good for you, Woody.
Woody Boyd: It's got everything I ever wanted.
Sam Malone: What's that?
Woody Boyd: A living room and a bedroom.
Cliff Clavin: Dare to dream there, Woodman.
Sam Malone: [looks at the apartment newspaper listing] Isn't this in Chinatown?
Woody Boyd: I don't think so Sam.
Sam Malone: Well yeah, I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?
Woody Boyd: Yeah, I guess so.
Cliff Clavin: Eh, a lot of signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?
Woody Boyd: Yeah, come to think of it.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, lots of Chinese people walking around the street I suppose.
Woody Boyd: Well yeah, that could just be a coincidence, you know?! Tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anybody would know, Mrs. Chung would.

"Cheers: Truce or Consequences (#1.8)" (1982)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to everyone in the bar] Who needs a ride home?
[there is no response]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Come on, who needs a ride home?
Jack: I guess we're all sober enough to drive ourselves home tonight, Coach.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, looks like you get to go straight home for a change.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I've never driven straight home alone. I wouldn't know how to do it.
Norm Peterson: OK Coach, you can take me.
Cliff Clavin: Oh, what a prince.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Thanks Norm. I owe you one.
Norm Peterson: Anytime.
Cliff Clavin: Good night, Norm.
Norm Peterson: 'night.
Norm Peterson: [to Coach] Just drop me off at Kenmore Square. I can catch a cab from there to take me back here to my car.

"Cheers: Take Me Out of the Ball Game (#10.21)" (1992)
Cliff Clavin: You know, there's a lot of misunderstanding about rats. The rodendus vermikitis as they're called in Latin. It turns out our long tailed friend wasn't after all responsible for the dreaded bubonic plague as alleged through history. Yes, sir. It was caused by an animal called the bubon. That's right, and the threat by the way is still with us. So if anyone does see a bubon, contact your local authorities.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [looking straight at Cliff] What if we just see a boob?

"Cheers: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble (#11.7)" (1992)
Cliff Clavin: Well Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It doesn't Cliff, but thanks.

"Cheers: Sumner's Return (#2.5)" (1983)
Sam Malone: [looking at Norm] What time is it?
Norm Peterson: Cliff, how many beer have I had so far?
Cliff Clavin: Eleven.
Norm Peterson: 8:05.

"Cheers: Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby (#8.19)" (1990)
Cliff Clavin: Ah, pubescence. An emotional time. I don't mind saying that puberty was one, long nightmare for me.
Norm Peterson: How's that Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: Ma wouldn't allow it in the house.

"Cheers: Smotherly Love (#10.20)" (1992)
[Norm has asked Sam, who is on his way to Atlantic City, to place a bet for him at a roulette wheel on black 17]
Cliff Clavin: How come black 17, Norm?
Norm Peterson: Ah, well, 17 is because Vera and I were married on the seventeenth. And black is because Vera and I were married on the seventeenth.

"Cheers: Dog Bites Cliff (#5.19)" (1987)
Cliff Clavin: I guess we were like a pair of lovers that were never meant to be. Like Romeo and Juliet. Rhett and Scarlett. Heathcliff - Cathy.
Woody Boyd: Heath, Cliff and Cathy - isn't that three people, Mr. Clavin?

"Cheers: Now Pitching, Sam Malone (#1.13)" (1983)
[the gang are talking about predicting who the next president will be]
Cliff Clavin: I've got a pet little theory about that. You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
Paul: So who's going to win, Cliff? Reagan again?
Norm Peterson: What, Mondale?
Cliff Clavin: No, no, not a chance. You see, I figured it out. By my calculations, the next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.
Sam Malone: That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, please. You're talking about our next president.

"Cheers: Father Knows Last (#1.15)" (1983)
[the gang discovers who the father of Carla's baby is]
Norm Peterson: Marshall?
Cliff Clavin: Carla made love to a Ph.D. from MIT?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [Annoyed] Hey, look, you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.

"Cheers: Carla Loves Clavin (#9.22)" (1991)
[unprovoked, Carla pushes Cliff off his bar stool]
Cliff Clavin: What did you do that for?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: It's nothing personal. Just letting off steam.
Cliff Clavin: Why didn't you push Norm off his stool?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You don't know much about physics, do you?

"Cheers: Woody for Hire, Meets Norman of the Apes (#6.13)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [about using the pool room on Sundays] Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.
[general agreement from the guys]
Rebecca Howe: Well just have your pool tournament another night.
Sam Malone: [laughs] Yeah right. Like we can rearrange our schedule here, right.
Rebecca Howe: What about Monday night?
Sam Malone: Yoh, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you please.
Hugh, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Norm Peterson, Tim: Football.
Rebecca Howe: How about Tuesday?
Hugh: Darts night.
Rebecca Howe: Wednesday.
Cliff Clavin: Recovery from darts night.
Tim: Thursday's poker night.
Sam Malone: Friday's the night to howl.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, and Saturday night is date night, so where does that leave us?
Norm Peterson: Horny on Sundays.
Sam Malone: Yoh!

"Cheers: Whodunit? (#3.13)" (1985)
Sam Malone: What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Frasier Crane: Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner, and in the intervening hours it has been encrusted on his tie.
Cliff Clavin: Oh what, you can take Norm's tie here, put it in a kettle and make soup. Incidently, it's a little known fact that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib, you know, to wipe your chin.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Sam Malone: Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Frasier Crane: [mockingly] Gee, that's an idea. Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place? Sam, you just don't say, "there's a spot on your tie" to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: THE Bennett Ludlow?
Diane Chambers: You've heard of him, Coach?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No.
Frasier Crane: Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry: author, innovator, educator and I'm not ashamed to say my idol and inspiration.
Norm Peterson: All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack, and then just nibble the morsel off really quick. Who's the wiser?!
Diane Chambers: Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Frasier Crane: Of course you're right. Oh Sam, may we have three brandies please. And I guess I'm the one who should tell him. After all, I'm the one who suggested beef wellington.
Norm Peterson: Beef wellington, you say?!
[makes a motion toward Bennett Ludlow]
Norm Peterson: Where's that tie?!
Frasier Crane: Just have to find a way to tell him as subtle and tactful a way that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
[meanwhile Carla approaches Bennett Ludlow's table]
Carla Tortelli: Hey, Pigpen. What's that thing?
[points at the crumb on his tie]
Carla Tortelli: What are you trying, to catch pidgeons? Ew.
[picks the crumb off his tie]
Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Thank you very much.
Carla Tortelli: Ah, don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.

"Cheers: The Boys in the Bar (#1.16)" (1983)
Norm Peterson: One night, Vito let's a gay group hold a meeting in the back room, right? Gay's for the... metric system. Story got in the newspaper, gets a lot of attention, and next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into...
Norm Peterson: [in an effeminate voice] ... Vito's Pub.
Norm Peterson: All the regulars left, Sammy. Out went the oars and the moose heads, in came the plants and ferns. Ferns - eww. I just don't want that to happen to Cheers, that's all.
Sam Malone: I don't believe that stuff. Bars don't turn gay overnight.
Norm Peterson: You don't have to believe me. I have scientific proof. Cliff?
Cliff Clavin: It happened.
Norm Peterson: See!

"Cheers: Power Play (#2.1)" (1983)
Cliff Clavin: Well, you know, millions believe in reincarnation.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: You mean, like when you come back as a chicken?
Cliff Clavin: Well, not necessarily as a chicken, Coach. The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends on your behavior in this life. You know, if you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Like Colorado.

"Cheers: They Called Me Mayday (#2.9)" (1983)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I just came back from doing some laps in the pool.
Carla Tortelli: How many of them?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Huh? Three. Takes about an hour.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Coach, that's kind of slow, isn't it?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I could run a hell of a lot faster if they got the water out of there.

"Cheers: Cry Hard (#8.25)" (1990)
[the guys are talking about the hardest wood to cut through]
Cliff: Hey Doc, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?
Frasier: Your unending bull.

"Cheers: Birth, Death, Love and Rice (#4.1)" (1985)
Norm Peterson: [walking out of the pool room] Hey Cliffy, next time you try and imitate that helicopter, I think you ought to chalk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.
Cliff Clavin: You kidding. I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.

"Cheers: The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter (#3.14)" (1985)
Sam Malone: Cliffy, you want to go fishing with us?
Cliff Clavin: [responds sarcastically] Well, that's OK Sam, I don't want to infringe on you and Norm's good time.
Norm Peterson: You're going to have to if you want to come along.

"Cheers: A Kiss Is Still a Kiss (#6.10)" (1987)
Woody Boyd: Oh boy, I need change for this fifty.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: You need change? Maybe I can help you, huh?
[he whips out a wad of one-dollar bills]
Woody Boyd: Great!
Cliff Clavin: Hold it, hold it...
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Oh, come on guys, give me a break, I'm a reformed man.
Norm Peterson: Oh yeah? Maybe you wouldn't mind if we monitored this little transaction?
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, yeah.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Wouldn't mind at all.
[Norm and Cliff hide their keys and wallets before approaching Harry]
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: [to Woody] 'kay, you need fifty bucks?
[starts counting out the bills]
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Here's one, two, three, four five. Norm, what time is it?
Norm Peterson: Eleven.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. My watch must be fast, I've got eleven twenty-five. Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight. Cliff, you have not aged a day. How old are you?
Cliff Clavin: Thirty-nine.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Thirty-nine! Forty, forty-one, forty... wait. You can't be that old. What year were you born?
Cliff Clavin: Forty-seven.
Harry 'The Hat' Gittes: Forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty. There you go barkeep.
[hands the bills to Woody, who hands Harry the fifty dollar bill]

"Cheers: The Godfather: Part 3 (#5.22)" (1987)
Norm Peterson: [Frasier walks in carrying a small box] Hey, Fras, thought you'd be out on the links by now.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It would be exceedingly difficult to tee off with this.
Cliff Clavin: What's that, Fras?
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is my extra-special gift from Lilith.
[Frasier dumps the contents on to the bar]
Carla Tortelli: It's a tie.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and I hate it, it's ugly.
[Frasier grabs a fork and starts stabbing it]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just a tie. An ordinary gray tie. I wanted golf clubs! It's not special! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
[Frasier throws the tie on the floor, stomps on it and then walks off]
Norm Peterson: Glad she didn't give him a puppy.

"Cheers: King of the Hill (#3.15)" (1985)
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Sam Malone: Yeah, you know I was out there warming up Coach, and my arm feels pretty good.
Carla Tortelli: Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
Sam Malone: All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Carla Tortelli: Good luck.
Sam Malone: I have a right to be a little bit rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane Chambers: No Sam, you're thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Sam Malone: Ah.
Carla Tortelli: [sarcastically] You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on the subject is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff Clavin: Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know, you know how they treat solid waste?
Carla Tortelli: You said they treated you very well.

"Cheers: Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 (#4.24)" (1986)
Cliff Clavin: [about a beautiful woman who walks by] Holy guacamole. Terre hauttie Indiana. I wouldn't throw her out of my bed for eating crackers.
Norm Peterson: Why else would she be there?