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[from leaked test footage
: There's no easy way to say this... I'm pregnant, Trevor!
[from leaked test footage
: [singing to Hollaback Girl on the radio
] I heard that you were talking shit / And you didn't think that I'd hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my shit, this my shit / This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...
[from leaked test footage
: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
[after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns
: Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
: And you are? Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Deadpool
: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
: Fuck Liefeld!
[Thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked. A window opens...
: [raises his hands
] Wait! You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed.
[points at a thug on the left
: This guy's got the right idea. he wore the brown pants.
: Daddy needs to express some rage.
[starts firing his guns
: [looks at the screen
] Cue the music.
: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.
: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? Deadpool
: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks... six days and, oh... 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. Dopinder
: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? Deadpool
: This shit...
[lifts his mask halfway showing his scarred face
: You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
: [to Vanessa
] If I never see you again, know that I love you.
: Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unfuckable.
: I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.
: You've warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us. Deadpool
: Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shows bullshit right now!
: Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
: [In the middle of a fistfight
] Have you seen this man?
[holds up a crude crayon drawing of Francis
[in the midst of a car crash
: Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
: [to Angel Dust
] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. Colossus
: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...
[Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying
: I mean, that's why I brought her?
[points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone
: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion
: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
: [shot in the butt
] Right up Main Street.
: Kinda lonesome back here.
[wedges himself through the Plexiglas opening between the back seat and the front
: Yeah, little help.
] Hashtag drive-by.
: [his head smashed into back of driver's seat
] Rich Corinthian leather.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? Deadpool
: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back. Colossus
: [voice from inside the mansion
] Wade, is that you? Deadpool
: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
: [as Angel Dust walk towards them
] Finish fucking her the fuck up. Colossus
: Language, please. Deadpool
: Suck a cock.
: You will come talk with Professor Xavier. Deadpool
: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.
: [to the audience while slicing off his own arm
] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
: [to the audience in the after credits scene
] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go. Credits
: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours. Deadpool
: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.
: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.
: We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly. Deadpool
: You big chrome cock-gobbler! Colossus
: That's not nice. Deadpool
: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.
[a dead body falls off an overhead traffic sign
: That guy was already up there when I got here.
: [to Colossus
] Tell Beast to quit shitting on my lawn!
: What's my name? Deadpool
: I'll spell it out for ya! Deadpool
: [later, after battle, has spelled out 'Francis' using bodies of bad guys
: Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
: [waving his broken wrists
] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!
: [to the audience
] I know right? You're probably thinking, "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Polverine."
[In an Australian accent
: And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.
: [Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand
] Ahhh! Your poor wife!
: [to The Recruiter
] Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the foot long... Fully loaded.
: [Cutting off his arm and spraying blood in Colussus' face
] Are you there God? It's me, Margaret!
: A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like, sixteen walls.
: Maximum effort.
: [Ripping his own underwear out of his pants to make a white flag
] Look away! LOOK AWAY CHILD!
: Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you're all going to have to share!
[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass
: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
[Fires at Ajax multiple times and misses
: Bad Deadpool!
[Shoots another bad guy in the head
: Good Deadpool.
: [Commenting on her shaved head
] Ripley, from Alien 3! Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: Fuck, you're old. Deadpool
] Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
: Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment - right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. Weasel
: [to Blind Al
] Wanna get fucked up?
: [Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth
] I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!
: [to Colossus
] If I ever decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at Neverland Mansion with some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
: [chasing a crippled henchman on a zamboni
] That's right! You're about to be killed by a zamboni!
: Tell me where your fucking boss is! Or you're going to die! In five minutes!
: Looks aren't everything. Deadpool
: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method? Blind Al
: Love is blind, Wade. Deadpool
: No. You're blind.
: [Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax
] Wade! Four or five moments. Deadpool
: Sorry? Colossus
: Four or five moments - that's all it takes to become a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend - spare an enemy. In these moments everything else falls away... Colossus
: [Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him
: Really? Was that necessary? Deadpool
: You were droning on.
: Do you have off switch? Deadpool
: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?
: I presume a crisp high five? Deadpool
: For you? 10.
[slaps Dopinder a double high-five
: [to Colossus and Negasonic
] Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. Deadpool
: [Whispers to Dopinder
] You know what do to. Dopinder
: Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!
: I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve 'cause I'ma go lookin'! Ajax
: You grow back body parts now, Wade? When I'm finished, parts will have to grow back you.
: I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember. Vanessa Carlysle
: You mean this mask?
[takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine
: And this one, in case the other fell off.
[she peels off the mask
] Vanessa Carlysle
: Wow. Wade Wilson
: Yeah. Vanessa Carlysle
: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.
: There's the money shot, baby.
: How's the Kullen coming along? Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know. Blind Al
: You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal. Deadpool
: Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal.
: No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Kullen. Blind Al
: Screw, please. Deadpool
: Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades. Blind Al
: You'd be surprised. Deadpool
: Pretty grossed out.
: Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you? Deadpool
: I'd love to get a Blow Job. Weasel
: Oh, God, me too. Deadpool
: The drink, moose knuckle, But first... Weasel
: All right, Kahlua, Bailey's and whipped cream. I give you a Blow Job. Why do you make me make that?
: Shit! I forgot the ammo!
: LOOK! Im a teenage girl, I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be, long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on, take your pick. Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: ...You got me in a box here. Deadpool
: I've been traveling to exotic places, Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. Weasel
: And killing them, I know, I saw your Instagram. Weasel
: So what was a special operatives doing in Jacksonville? Deadpool
: That's classified. They have a wonderful TGI Fridays!
: There are no words. Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. Ajax
: What? You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure... for that? Deadpool
: What? Ajax
: You heard me. Deadpool
: No. No! So, you mean to say... after all this, you can't fix me? Ajax
: It sounds even stupider when you say it. Deadpool
: Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
[Deadpool aims gun at Ajax's head
: Any last words? Ajax
: What's my name? Deadpool
: [Cocks his gun
] Who fucking cares?
: [threatning Jeremy, the stalker Pizza Guy
] You even look in her direction, and I'll show you that I have some hard spots.
: That came out wrong. Or did it?
[kisses Jeremy on the cheek
: [During the final battle
] Bob? Bob
: Wade? Deadpool
: Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since... Bob
: Jacksonville. Deadpool
: TGI. Deadpool
: Friday's. Deadpool
: Well, what the Hell.
[Deadpool helps Bob up
: God. Come here you.
[Deadpool knocks Bob out, and then Deadpool starts dragging him
: How are the kids? Good? And Gale? She still fixing that tuna casserole? *So* good. Bad for the waistline, you know what I'm talking about.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: [pointing behind Deadpool
] Hey, Douche-Pool! Deadpool
: [turns around
] And I hope *you're* watching -
[gasps in horror, as Ajax has disappeared
: Quite unfortunate... Deadpool
: [shaking his head in disbelief
] THAT DOES IT!
[punches Colossus in the face, breaking his own hand
: Ooh! Oh, Canada! That's not good...
: This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real... blurry!
: Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
: Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the the whole world taste like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love... tight! And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it? Dopinder
: Yeah. Deadpool
: Or the whole world tastes like Mama Juice after hot yoga. Dopinder
: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? Deadpool
: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
: 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 80. About to be 90. Recruiter
: Mr. Wilson? Deadpool
: Ding-ding. Recruiter
: You're looking very alive. Deadpool
: Ha! Only on the outside! Recruiter
: This is not going to end well for me, is it? Deadpool
: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss? Recruiter
: I can tell you exactly... Deadpool
: Oh, you tell me. But first... You might wanna look way for this. Now this little piggy went to...
[pushes the camera away and kills the Recruiter
: Did I say this was a love story? It's a horror movie.
[frustrated with Deadpool after her IKEA furniture collapses
] Blind Al
: I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist. Deadpool
: And I quote: "Looking for roommate. Blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather *I* build furniture and you pay rent?
: A hush fall over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. His form looks good.
[kicks Francis in the head
: Oh! And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.
: And you, chicken noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: That's all right. You're cool. Deadpool
] What in the ass? That was not mean. I'm proud of you! Colossus
: We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade Deadpool
: For a second there, it felt like we were three minutes-lion robots coming together to form one super robot. Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: There's a stupid.
: I'm a bad guy who is paid to fuck up worse guys.
: [upon learning Ajax took Vanessa
] I'm gonna need all the guns. Weasel
: Which ones? Deadpool
: ALL OF THEM!
: [on X-Men Wolverine
] I've got no problems with Hugh. I mean he's a delightful guy, he really is. True legend. But the movie, that was a career low for me.
: Where's Francis?
: My romantic rival, Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a polluted fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. Deadpool
: I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation. Dopinder this is *no* way to win Gita's heart back!
: I am so proud of you.
: Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
: Kill him.
: And then win Gita back the old-fashioned way with your boyish charm.
: Kidnap her. Negasonic Teenage Warhead
: [to Colossus
] He's super dead.
: Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it.
[Angel Dust jumps from the platform and lands
: [clapping his hands
] Whoo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees.
: Hang in there, baby! I gotcha! I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
[Deadpool throws Vanessa into the oxygen chamber as it rolls down the carrier and stops on the edge of it, Wade holds onto the oxygen chamber
] Vanessa Carlysle
: Shit! ShitI Shit! Deadpool
: Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
: [to a Spanish goon
] Donde esta Francesca?
: You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
: [about to kill Ajax, he accidentally hits Colossus in the groin
: That's, uh, $27.50. Deadpool
: I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit. Dopinder
: Oh. Deadpool
: But, uh, how about a crisp high five?
: Maximum effort!
: You know this stuff just kills in Poughkeepsie!
: [to Scarlet Witch
] More like the Scarlett Bi... Hey, hey, hey, I didn't see you there.
: Wow, I can't believe you guys got Jean-Luc Picard to be in your game.
: So three mutants walk into a bar, right?
: [after seeing M.O.D.O.K
] Did you see the size of that dude's head? Ha ha ha ha!
: Do I get a badge for this?
: No XP? What a ripoff!
: [to The Hulk
] So greenie, can I get your cousin's number?
: [to Human Torch
] You know I can flame on if I just had some lighter fluid.
: You want blend or puree?
: [to Captain America
] You're as American as Mom's apple pie and hand guns.
: Pull my finger. No, not off!
: [to Shocker
] Shocker? I didn't even know her. Ha!
: I'd sing some Black Sabbath right now, but the bean counter says we spent all our money on writers. What a waste.
: Explosions attract the coveted 18 to 24 year old male demographic.
: [regarding Hawkeye
] Oh, oh, so they're letting Robin Hood in, but somehow the Avengers keep losing my phone number. What's up with that?
: [to Ms. Marvel
] Careful, Marvel Comics will sue you for trademark infringement.
: [to Wolverine
] Hey, Wolvie, any chance I can provoke you into some pointless bloodshed?
: [finds an item & groans
] You don't wanna know where I'm keeping this!
: [to Ghost Rider
] Oh man, I forgot to bring the marshmallows.
: [to Gambit
] You know, maybe I need an accent too. 'Allo, mon ami.
: You have died of dysentery.
: [to Nightcrawler
] Phew! Smells like somebody just teleported a bean burrito.
: [to Bullseye
] Wanna use me for a dartboard?
: [to Punisher
] You're just me without the funny, and the lithium.
: My cuisine reigns supreme.
: [to Black Panther
] Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the King of Deadpoolvania.
: [to Doctor Strange
] What, no top hat? What kind of magician are you?
: [upon defeating a HYDRA agent
] Hey, do you know my friend Bob?
: [to Doctor Doom
] Which college offers a doctorate in Doom sizes?
: [to War Machine
] Hey, what happened Iron Man? You run out of paint or something?
: Where do these bullets keep coming from?
: [to Taskmaster
] I'll defeat you by having no useful skills whatsoever.
: Phew! That's what happens when you mix C4 with a bean burrito. Now be honest... I'm not the only one with a little bit of shit in their pants right now, am I?
: If that hit you in the chest, I'm sorry. I was aiming for your crotch.
: Hey, come back guys! We only want to kill you a little bit!
: Bring the noise!
: Being upside down is fun!
: [imitating the Hulk
] Deadpool smash!
: Mashed Braintatoes!
: What? He said no? That was our chance to be in our own video game! White Bubble
: Maybe we shouldn't have written the proposal in crayon.
: See? Once again our explosive personality wins the day! Yellow Bubble
: High five! White Bubble
: No high fives. We're voices in our head.
: Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.
: Meet my personal guard. He's bigger than you, badder than you, and his purpose is to eat little shits like you for breakfast! Deadpool
: He eats shit for breakfast?
: You believe this? Cock-blocked twice in my own game!
: Two extra slices for just 9.99!
: What were you doing over there? Deadpool
: Just a little surprise for our player. Wolverine
: What? Whatever. We gotta move. We need everybody on this one if we're gonna stop Sinister. That means you, too. Deadpool
: Yeah, duh. It's *my* game! Wolverine
: Game? This is serious! Quit scratching your ass, bub, and get into the fight! Deadpool
: Ha ha, he said, "assbub."
: [after killing two enemies in a bathroom stall
] I can't think of any good dick jokes! Ah, what a wasted opportunity.
: OH SHIT! He's throwing the Tubbies at me again! I LOVE THE TUBBIES!
: [Addressing the player after dying
] Ouch! Dipshit.
: Hey, isn't that Gambit? What the heck is he doing here? White Bubble
: Trying to muscle in on our action. What a card!
: Yowza! Rogue is MESSED UP. White Bubble
: She needs to absorb our healing factor through... skin contact Yellow Bubble
: YESSSS! Deadpool
: Rogue. There's no time to explain, but we've gotta suck face like there's no tomorrow. Deadpool
: [Rogue slaps him
] Ohh, I'll be gentle little darling Deadpool
: [Rogue grabs him and pulls him offscreen
] HEY! Yellow Bubble
: [kissing noises are heard
] HOLY SHIT! White Bubble
: Is that even legal? Deadpool
: [Still offscreen
] Rogue! Baby! You're sucking too much of my... uhhh! White Bubble
: OHHH, MY!
: The day my father Odin banished me from Asgard, I was bitten by a vampire and had radioactive waste dumped into my eyes. To make matters worse, my mutant ability to control weather activated just as I was hit by a blast of gamma radiation. Nah, actually, I got this way by volunteering for the Weapon X program. They promised to cure my cancer. And they cured it all right, by giving me an outrageous healing factor. Then they labeled me psychotic and tossed me into a prison lab. So I escaped and became what some people might call a 'mercenary'. I prefer the title 'cleaner of the gene pool'. And I've made a lot of good friends along the way: like Arcade. He's always sending me to his amusement park. Arcade
: HELLO, Deadpool. Ready for a fun filled day in Murderworld? Deadpool
: Yup. I've got my sunscreen on and I've taken my motion sickness pills so bring on the rides! Arcade
: Oh, I don't think you understand. You're going to die here. Deadpool
: I know! Carnivals always slay me. Arcade
: No. You are going to physically die... as in stop breathing. You will cease to exist. Deadpool
: Riiiiiight... So do you have bumper cars here? Arcade
: I just wish we could have been friends.
: [Leveling up
] And now I'm better at doing whatever it is Wolverine does!
: Black Widow, I've gotta know... Are those real? Black Widow
: I beg your pardon? Deadpool
: Ahh... Your teeth, they're just so darn shiny and straight.
: [Leveling up
] Did I win a new car, too?
: Hey, did I enter the side show tent? 'Cause you look like the dog faced boy. Dark Spider-Man
: Oh, you are a wit, Deadpool... or at least half of one. Tell me, do the chicks go for your insane babble? Deadpool
: About as much as they go for your attempts at self-deprecating humor. Dark Spider-Man
: So then it doesn't work.
: [Badly hurt
] I need help! And a pony!
: [after speaking with Nick Fury
] Sir! Yes Sir! Stowing all stupid thoughts! Uh, is that vein on your forehead meant to be throbbing like that?
: [after Black Widow has told him that he's going to face Dr. Doom
] Wait, we're going to fight Dr. Doom? No one told me we were going to fight Doom! I want my lawyer! I want my mummy! I want my lawyer's mummy!
: Whatever happens, remember to protect me.
: A haiku, by Deadpool: I hate broccoli / And think it totally sucks / Why is it not meat?
: I'm low on energy, but full of vitamin C!
: I can't go that way, so stop shovin'!
: [about Weasel
] Oh, yeah, he's totally trustworthy! Except where money's involved. He would sell his granny's walking cane for a buck. In fact, I bought his granny's walking cane for a buck!
: Weasel old buddy! Where have you been hiding out? Weasel
: In the hospital, you stabbed me in the leg remember? Deadpool
: Oh yeah, but I had to, you were trying to steal my last Cheesy Puff Weasel
: It was my bag of Cheesy Puffs! Deadpool
: That's not how I remember it.
: Who would dare disturb my meditation? Deadpool
: Grampy, is that you? Wow, you got a lot older... and uglier too. Ancient One
: You buffoon. I am not your grandfather. I am the Ancient One, teacher of Dr. Strange. Deadpool
: Are you sure? You're really grouchy just like Grampy was.
: Hi, Black Bolt. How are ya?
[Black Bolt says nothing
: Oh, that's right. You can't talk can you? Your voice is so powerful, it would destroy half of Atillan if you said anything at all.
[Black Bolt still says nothing
: But c'mon, let's put that to the test. Just say one tiny word: 'Spatula.'
[Black Bolt still says nothing
: Oh, don't be such a stick in the mud. Come on, repeat after me: 'Spatula.'
: Dang skippy. Where are my manners? Introductions. Call me Deadpool. It rhymes with "no school," "too cool,"ain't no fool," and "I'm the best at what I do - ool."
: Well, moving on. I'm on a mission to finding the secret HQ of Taskmaster. The big boss for these cheese clowns. And nothin', but nothin', better get in my way. Mini-Deadpool
: What, like the dozen swords in your back? Deadpool
] I don't have swords in my... Mini-Deadpool
: Yuck. Gonna go hurl now. Deadpool
: Huh, that's gonna leave a mark. Oh, wait. No it isn't. I have a healing factor. Yay me! 'Scuse me while I pull these pot stickers out of my spleen and knock some heads. Deadpool, out.
: Ugh, anybody smell barbecue bug? Spider-Man
: It's been kind of a rough day. Deadpool
: Extremely ripe! Yeesh. Here. Strong enough for man, but made for a spider.
: Ah, you're comedy gold my friend. Or as comedy oatmeal. As for me, you already know, I'm Deadpool. Superhero supreme with a side of bam. Nice to see you kept my color scheme when you copied my suit. Am I, like, your idol? Spider-Man
: I never heard of you. I designed this costume myself. Deadpool
: Sure. Black and white eyes. Red suit. Though you made it your own with the crossword theme. Oh, wait. Webs! Those are webs. No pouches though. You need pouches.
: Word is that Fury left his S.H.I.E.L.D. tablet in a hotel bathroom. So you can see why he'd want to be discreet. Now, see I agreed to help even though Fury and me don't always see eye to eye. Now, do you get that? Eye to eye? Eye to eye! Hm, get it? Spider-Man
: Yeah, I do eye jokes too.
: You've got to be kidding me. You have your own private jet? Deadpool
: Yep. It was a present from one Tony Stark. Spider-Man
: He never gave me a jet. Seriously, from one super dude to another, what's your secret? Deadpool
: Origin story time!
: Oh, shiny. What is that? Spider-Man
: You see my spidey-sense? It's this thing in my brain that warns me of danger. Deadpool
: I'll give you a thousand bucks for your brain.
: I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is. Deadpool
: We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche? Spider-Man
: Wait, un-alive them? Deadpool
: Yeah, yeah here's the thing, I can't really say the k-word out loud. It's a weird mental tick. But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes. We'll k-word them. Spider-Man
: K-word? You mean you want to kill them? Deadpool
: Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them. Spider-Man
: We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!
: Spider-Man. Nice of you to finally visit my school. Unfortunately I'm no longer accepting applicants. Spider-Man
: We've come for the list of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Taskmaster. And for Agent MacGuffin. Taskmaster
: We who? Spider-Man
: Me and Dead... Deadpool! Taskmaster
: Deadpool is here? What? Deadpool
: Boogity-boo! Did you miss me? Taskmaster
: You. You're out of your mind to come here. I will destroy you.
: Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum. Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater! Spider-Man
: Are you just going to keep yelling names from A to Z until you guess? Deadpool
: No. Barry Barrington! Spider-Man
: You're not well. Deadpool
: I know.
: Oh, Spider-Man. If you'd studied with me instead of Fury you might not be so naive. Who do think I stole the identity list from in the fist place? Spider-Man
: Agent MacGuffin? Deadpool
: Heh. Confession time. Yeah, it was me. Spider-Man
: You? Deadpool
: And there is no Agent MacGuffin. And also I stole the list from S.H.I.E.L.D., but Taskmaster swiped it from me when I left my pouches in the potty. Spider-Man
: What? Deadpool
: Dude, couldn't help it. I had Indian food. My legs went numb I was in there so long.
: No, piranhas! They're so bitey. Oh that's so much funnier when it happens to someone else. Spider-Man
: Booby traps. Deadpool
: You said, "traps."
: They should call you "elevator operator" 'cause you're bringing me down. Or "tonsils" 'cause you're a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh! Spider-Man
: Lame. Next you'll be telling me to "go soak my head." Deadpool
: Ah, what a swellegant idea. But it'll look a lot funnier in my imagination. Spider-Man
: What? Deadpool
: Spider-Man, go soak your head.
: Have I told you my origin story? Spider-Man
: Like a billion times, now. How about telling me the truth? Deadpool
: You can't handle the truth. Spider-Man
: Weapon X is indeed glad to have you back, Logan. We put considerable time and money into you. Deadpool
: And pointy things!
: You were our best operative, Wolverine. So disappointing. But you did lead us to Dr. Banner. Of course, you know him better as the Hulk. Deadpool
: [reveals gun and ammo
] I shot him in the ass, with one of these!
[Everyone glares at him
: What? I did!
: No! Deadpool
: Yes. As in, "Yes, you're going to die." BANG! Just kidding.
: I can't believe it... I'm alive. I'm alive!
[the Hulk lands on top of him and leaps away
: [looking at the Professor
] Well, he's alive, but I think he's going to need some serious TLC. Sabretooth
: The last thing the Professor said before the runt gutted him was for us to kill Wolverine. Deadpool
: Really? Hmm...
[to Omega Red
: You buy that? Yeah, you know, I would think the last thing he said was, "Ah, Sabretooth!" Omega Red
: We kill Wolverine now. That is all that matters. Deadpool
: Whatever you say, ponytail. Who am I to say no to a little murder?
[draws his guns
: [to Team X
] Strike a pose!
: What do you say after the mission, we kill all of those floating babies? Omega Red
: Do you ever shut up, Wilson? Deadpool
: What? Babies creep me out.
[cradles his rife
: Logan, we missed you! And Weapon X just hasn't been the same without you. Nobody calls me "bub" anymore, and Omega Red's a bed wetter... Omega Red
] One day I will tear out your flippant tongue, Wilson. Deadpool
: [whispering to Wolverine
] He's very ashamed.
: [to the Professor
] What do you want with the Hulk? Deadpool
: We just wanna help him find his happy place. Did you see how angry he was? I mean, I'm sorry, but come on. I think his pants are too tight...
[Omega Red's tentacle wraps around his neck and starts choking him
: [after being choked by Omega Red
] Argh... so not cool... I hate that guy!
[walks towards Wolverine
: Wolverine, you look so sad. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Lady Deathstrike tried to kill you when you were asleep. Wolverine
: Better than having to listen to you. Deadpool
: Man, does she hate you. I mean, we all hate you, but Deathstrike really, Really, REALLY hates you!
[takes out his gun
: Hey, still have that unbreakable skull?
[Points gun at Wolverine's head and fires. Screen turns black
: Oh... damn it!
: Hey! Wait for me!
[Deadpool jumps on a rampaging Hulk
: Who wants snacks? YOU do!
[Deadpool forces a grenade down the Hulk's gullet and then jumps off, landing alongside Wolverine, and the two run down a straight hallway with the Hulk in pursuit
: Logan, I think we lost him!
[the grenade inside the Hulk explodes...
: And they all lived happily ever after, except the Hulk! Wolverine
: Bub... you just made him angrier! Hulk
: Talking man hurt Hulk... HULK RIP OFF TALKING MAN'S HEAD! Deadpool
: My head? Oh, crap...! Wolverine
: He's all yours, Einstein!
[grabs Deadpool and throws him towards the Hulk
: Logan? We're friends! NO! NOOO!
[the Hulk and Wolverine are apprehended with knockout bullets
: [to Wolverine
] Thanks, runt. We've been trying to take him down for weeks. Deadpool
: Hey, Logan, it's me, Deadpool! I shot you...
[Wolverine falls unconscious
: GAIJIN! Sabretooth
: End of the line, runt! Got any last words? Wolverine
: Yeah... TWO!
: [draws his katanas
] Let's dance!
: [falling on Wolverine
[Wolverine slices Deadpool's arm off
: AAH! Ow! Oh... dude, that is just *not* cool!
[looks at the stump on his body, then his arm some meters away
: Wow! Look at that! Could you give me a hand?
: Just kidding! All right... I'll go get it.
[runs to fix his arm back on
: Magneto! Welcome to die!
: I just beat Mag-Freakin-Neto! Where yo curly mustache at?
: You see that? *That's* how you beat Wolverine, people.
[grabs the camera and starts shaking it
: AND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED OPTIC BLAST!
: I just beat Mag-freakin-neto! Where yo curleh mustache at?
: Check me out. I'm the ghost of Christmas kick your ass!
: [Deadpool grabs the camera and talks to the player
] Hey! Yeah, you! I'm down here bustin' my ass while you sit on yours watching me jump around? How is that fair?
: Yo' mama!
: [facing Spider-Man
] Gonna rough you up like a Broadway musical!
: [after defeating Pheonix Wright
] Justice has been served! No, I don't know how. Just roll with it, okay, people?
: You know, there are some perks to this job...
[Deadpool stares at Catwoman's heaving breasts as she struggles to free herself
: ...Ah, like those. And I really gotta say that I really appreciate you being... Catwoman
: Hey, Red! My eyes are up here. Deadpool
: Huh, ah, right. I'll get some pizza later. Look at those. *Magnificient*
: I think I should consult with my friend about what I should do with you next. Hey, Deathro...
[holding the dummy head of Deathro and speaking in an odd voice
: I think we should spend some super sexy time with her and, uh, maybe cover her with whipped cream. Deadpool
: [returns to normal voice
] Hey, that's a great idea. Maybe after Bats gets here. Catwoman
: So, I need to capture this, like, forever! Catwoman
: Don't touch me, freak. Deadpool
: What do you think, kitty? How do I do that? A-ha! Technology!
[the POV shot from Deadpool's video camera zooms in on Catwoman's cleavage
: Seriously, sweetheart, the camera loves you - and so do I!
[Catwoman hisses and tries to scratch Deadpool's eyes
: Hey! Bad kitty! Watch it!
[Deadpool sprays Catwoman with a squirt bottle
: I think Bats is going to get here to save you. That's the whole plan, anyway.
[the sound of a powerful car engine idles nearby
: And right on cue!
: [looking at the Batmobile
] Oh, snap! What is this? This has to be a pussywagon, isn't it?
[a small metal sphere ejected from the Batmobile rolls up to Deadpool's feet
: Hey, was this supposed to fall off your car?
[green knockout gas from the ball envelopes Deadpool
: Oh, sleepy time.
: Thanks for the nap, Bats. I really needed that, but, ah, let me clarify a couple of things for you before we move forward, because I don't know if you're aware, but, ah, I can't die! Bullets, bombs, none of it works. Let me show you.
[Deadpool shoots himself in the head
: Ah, I'm all right; I'm all right. Just give me a second. Ta-da! Brand new.
: No more Mr. Nice Assassin!
: World's greatest detective, my ass! Apparently, you just don't get it, Batman. You see, I... just... can't... die. Batman
: I'm counting on it.
[Batman clicks a remote and two rocket launchers rise out of the Batmobile
: Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.
: Everyone protect me!
: Me? Yeah, I'm fine. I just have an uncontrollable urge to rip you to tiny shreds and then dance and spit all over your graves.
: Wow, this is really, really freaky! I could swear I know you from somewhere. Did we go to law school together? Deadpool
: I know what you mean. I've seen you before, I just can't place your face. Weren't you in my oragami class last fall? Deadpool
: Wait! I know where I've seen your face. In my mirror... every morning!" Deadpool
: Heavens to murgatroide! That's it! You're me! Deadpool
: No no no no no no no, I beg to differ. You... are me! Deadpool
: Come on. let's not quibble over such a huge philosophical conundrum here. What do you say when you meet yourself? Deadpool
: How about 'you're lookin goooood!' Deadpool
: Works for me. Well, now I have to kill ya. Not that I want to, it's just a little something Mister Sinister ordered me to do. Deadpool
: Are you ok? Deadpool
: Me? I'm fine. I just have an uncontrollable urge to rip you into tiny shreds and spit on all of your graves.
: I'm really good at killing. You might say it's my specialty. That and ballroom dancing. But guess which one I can actually make a living at.
: Somebody test this guy for steriods!
: [Upon defeating an enemy, pensievely
] But did either of us truly win?
: EVERYBODY! Shield me with your bodies!
: [after defeating an enemy
] Now gimme all your lunch money!
: Fusion's so cool, they should've put it in the game title.
: I'm killing indiscriminately, and it's okay.
: It had nothing to do with politics, I just don't like you!
: Look, it's the Fusion game mechanic.
: I refuse to say some clever quip because *you* set down the controller.
Nanite Nick Fury
: [as he emerges in his nanite armor
] Cute trick, but did you really think we wouldn't see this coming? Deadpool
: It's game over Fury and you're all out of continues. You're alone. You can't possibly... Nanite Nick Fury
: Oh, I'm not alone. You may have frozen The Fold, but you haven't eliminated it. And with these new Nanites, I can draw the entire collective's power. I won't need more of a fraction to kill you. Then I will shut down that annoying signal of yours for good. In another minute, it will be all so clear.
: I'm not just the Merc with a Mouth, I'm the sensation with a registration.
: Senator Lieber from New York State. Good to meet you. You've done us a great service. You heroes are OK in my book. Maybe we should put this registration business on hold. Wolverine
: No kidding, bub. You can't expect the X-Men to reveal their names to the... Senator Lieber
: Say no more, Canucklehead. Not everyone fears and hates mutants. Well, best of luck trying to catch that maniac. Like our state motto says, "Excelsior!" Deadpool
: Don't I know you from somewhere? Senator Lieber
: You don't look like the voting type. Deadpool
: Yeah, whatever. Hey guys, I'll take these pencil-pushers back to the Capitol. Give me a call if you want to hang out again.
: Bangs a pa piu piu boom boom boom Domino
: Deadpool... Deadpool
: What? We're owned by Disney. It's fine.
[Deadpool checks the unconscious Domino's vital signs
: Okay, pulse check, neck check, tummy check, boob check... She's alive! She's alive!
: Hey, cutie! Time to die! Harley Quinn
: Wait! Want to see a movie?
[Harley opens her blouse, revealing her ample cleavage
[the Joker riddles Deadpool with bullets
] The Joker
: Merry Christmas, you filthy animal, and a Happy New Year! Deadpool
: Whatever happened to Macauley Culkin anyway?
: Time for some cluck-fu!
[Deadpool pummels Harley with a rubber chicken
[the Joker moves in for the kill
: Wait! I just friended you on Facebook!
: Oh, I just remembered, I have to... uh... floss. Ultimate Spider Man
: Ah, don't run away like a sniveling coward just because I was whipping your heinie. Ultimate Deadpool
: I'm not running away! I'm just going to find a dictionary so I can look up "sniveling"! Sniveling.
] Ultimate Deadpool
: Get in here boys, show Wally Webs here he can't twist my doorknobs!
: Listen, Webby, I can't have you swinging around in your footy pajamas, destroying my cameras. You're going to have to tangle with my ARMY! And by army, I mean production assistants, and by production assistants, I mean unpaid interns, and by unpaid interns I mean fans. You're going to have to tangle with my FANS! Ultimate Spider Man
: Lamest. Supervillain. Ever.
: I don't do charity. Deadpool
: I donate to the Red Cross; you're a bitch!
: You don't mess... with "DP."
: You... don't know who I am? Deadpool
: I'm gonna go with "George Washington." Slim Jim
: We've known each other for... we just had a conversation, like, 15 minutes ago!... you REALLY don't... Deadpool
: Oh, no no no no! You're probably confused: a lot of people mix me up with Spider-man. Slim Jim
: Damnit! This is why no one likes you!
[the player has rescued Stan Lee
: Him again? He's in this game more than I am! Who does he think he is?