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: You know this stuff just kills in Poughkeepsie!
: [to Scarlet Witch
] More like the Scarlett Bi... Hey, hey, hey, I didn't see you there.
: Wow, I can't believe you guys got Jean-Luc Picard to be in your game.
: So three mutants walk into a bar, right?
: [after seeing M.O.D.O.K
] Did you see the size of that dude's head? Ha ha ha ha!
: Do I get a badge for this?
: No XP? What a ripoff!
: [to The Hulk
] So greenie, can I get your cousin's number?
: [to Human Torch
] You know I can flame on if I just had some lighter fluid.
: You want blend or puree?
: [to Captain America
] You're as American as Mom's apple pie and hand guns.
: Pull my finger. No, not off!
: [to Shocker
] Shocker? I didn't even know her. Ha!
: [to Iron Man
] I'd sing some Black Sabbath right now, but the bin counter says we spent all our money on writers. What a waste.
: Explosions attract the coveted 18 to 24 year old male demographic.
: [regarding Hawkeye
] Oh, oh, so they're letting Robin Hood in, but somehow the Avengers keep losing my phone number. What's up with that?
: [to Ms. Marvel
] Careful, Marvel Comics will sue you for trademark infringement.
: [to Wolverine
] Hey, Wolvie, any chance I can provoke you into some pointless bloodshed?
: [finds an item & groans
] You don't wanna know where I'm keeping this!
: [to Ghost Rider
] Oh man, I forgot to bring the marshmallows.
: [to Gambit
] You know, maybe I need an accent too. 'Allo, mon ami.
: [to Venom
] You look like something I horcked up last time I had swine flu.
: All right, look at that. Crap, I got a little venom on you.
: You have died of dysentery.
: [to Nightcrawler
] Phew! Smells like somebody just teleported a bean burrito.
: [to Bullseye
] Wanna use me for a dartboard?
: [to Punisher
] You're just me without the funny, and the lithium.
: My cuisine reigns supreme.
: [to Black Panther
] Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the King of Deadpoolvania.
: [to Doctor Strange
] What, no top hat? What kind of magician are you?
: [upon defeating a HYDRA agent
] Hey, do you know my friend Bob?
: Phew! That's what happens when you mix C4 with a bean burrito. Now be honest... I'm not the only one with a little bit of shit in their pants right now, am I?
: If that hit you in the chest, I'm sorry. I was aiming for your crotch.
: Hey, come back guys! We only want to kill you a little bit!
: Bring the noise!
: Being upside down is fun!
: [imitating the Hulk
] Deadpool smash!
: Mashed Braintatoes!
: What? He said no? That was our chance to be in our own video game! White Bubble
: Maybe we shouldn't have written the proposal in crayon.
: See? Once again our explosive personality wins the day! Yellow Bubble
: High five! White Bubble
: No high fives. We're voices in our head.
: Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.
: Meet my personal guard. He's bigger than you, badder than you, and his purpose is to eat little shits like you for breakfast! Deadpool
: He eats shit for breakfast?
: You believe this? Cock-blocked twice in my own game!
: Two extra slices for just 9.99!
: What were you doing over there? Deadpool
: Just a little surprise for our player. Wolverine
: What? Whatever. We gotta move. We need everybody on this one if we're gonna stop Sinister. That means you, too. Deadpool
: Yeah, duh. It's *my* game! Wolverine
: Game? This is serious! Quit scratching your ass, bub, and get into the fight! Deadpool
: Ha ha, he said, "assbub."
: [after killing two enemies in a bathroom stall
] I can't think of any good dick jokes! Ah, what a wasted opportunity.
: OH SHIT! He's throwing the Tubbies at me again! I LOVE THE TUBBIES!
: [Addressing the player after dying
] Ouch! Dipshit.
: Hey, isn't that Gambit? What the heck is he doing here? White Bubble
: Trying to muscle in on our action. What a card!
: The day my father Odin banished me from Asgard, I was bitten by a vampire and had radioactive waste dumped into my eyes. To make matters worse, my mutant ability to control weather activated just as I was hit by a blast of gamma radiation. Nah, actually, I got this way by volunteering for the Weapon X program. They promised to cure my cancer. And they cured it all right, by giving me an outrageous healing factor. Then they labeled me psychotic and tossed me into a prison lab. So I escaped and became what some people might call a 'mercenary'. I prefer the title 'cleaner of the gene pool'. And I've made a lot of good friends along the way: like Arcade. He's always sending me to his amusement park. Arcade
: HELLO, Deadpool. Ready for a fun filled day in Murderworld? Deadpool
: Yup. I've got my sunscreen on and I've taken my motion sickness pills so bring on the rides! Arcade
: Oh, I don't think you understand. You're going to die here. Deadpool
: I know! Carnivals always slay me. Arcade
: No. You are going to physically die... as in stop breathing. You will cease to exist. Deadpool
: Riiiiiight... So do you have bumper cars here? Arcade
: I just wish we could have been friends.
: [Leveling up
] And now I'm better at doing whatever it is Wolverine does!
: Black Widow, I've gotta know... Are those real? Black Widow
: I beg your pardon? Deadpool
: Ahh... Your teeth, they're just so darn shiny and straight.
: [Leveling up
] Did I win a new car, too?
: Hey, did I enter the side show tent? 'Cause you look like the dog faced boy. Dark Spider-Man
: Oh, you are a wit, Deadpool... or at least half of one. Tell me, do the chicks go for your insane babble? Deadpool
: About as much as they go for your attempts at self-deprecating humor. Dark Spider-Man
: So then it doesn't work.
: [Badly hurt
] I need help! And a pony!
: [after speaking with Nick Fury
] Sir! Yes Sir! Stowing all stupid thoughts! Uh, is that vein on your forehead meant to be throbbing like that?
: [after Black Widow has told him that he's going to face Dr. Doom
] Wait, we're going to fight Dr. Doom? No one told me we were going to fight Doom! I want my lawyer! I want my mummy! I want my lawyer's mummy!
: Whatever happens, remember to protect me.
: A haiku, by Deadpool: I hate broccoli / And think it totally sucks / Why is it not meat?
: I'm low on energy, but full of vitamin C!
: I can't go that way, so stop shovin'!
: [about Weasel
] Oh, yeah, he's totally trustworthy! Except where money's involved. He would sell his granny's walking cane for a buck. In fact, I bought his granny's walking cane for a buck!
: Weasel old buddy! Where have you been hiding out? Weasel
: In the hospital, you stabbed me in the leg remember? Deadpool
: Oh yeah, but I had to, you were trying to steal my last Cheesy Puff Weasel
: It was my bag of Cheesy Puffs! Deadpool
: That's not how I remember it.
: Who would dare disturb my meditation? Deadpool
: Grampy, is that you? Wow, you got a lot older... and uglier too. Ancient One
: You buffoon. I am not your grandfather. I am the Ancient One, teacher of Dr. Strange. Deadpool
: Are you sure? You're really grouchy just like Grampy was.
: Hi, Black Bolt. How are ya?
[Black Bolt says nothing
: Oh, that's right. You can't talk can you? Your voice is so powerful, it would destroy half of Atillan if you said anything at all.
[Black Bolt still says nothing
: But c'mon, let's put that to the test. Just say one tiny word: 'Spatula.'
[Black Bolt still says nothing
: Oh, don't be such a stick in the mud. Come on, repeat after me: 'Spatula.'
: Dang skippy. Where are my manners? Introductions. Call me Deadpool. It rhymes with "no school," "too cool,"ain't no fool," and "I'm the best at what I do - ool."
: Well, moving on. I'm on a mission to finding the secret HQ of Taskmaster. The big boss for these cheese clowns. And nothin', but nothin', better get in my way. Mini-Deadpool
: What, like the dozen swords in your back? Deadpool
] I don't have swords in my... Mini-Deadpool
: Yuck. Gonna go hurl now. Deadpool
: Huh, that's gonna leave a mark. Oh, wait. No it isn't. I have a healing factor. Yay me! 'Scuse me while I pull these pot stickers out of my spleen and knock some heads. Deadpool, out.
: Ugh, anybody smell barbecue bug? Spider-Man
: It's been kind of a rough day. Deadpool
: Extremely ripe! Yeesh. Here. Strong enough for man, but made for a spider.
: Ah, you're comedy gold my friend. Or as comedy oatmeal. As for me, you already know, I'm Deadpool. Superhero supreme with a side of bam. Nice to see you kept my color scheme when you copied my suit. Am I, like, your idol? Spider-Man
: I never heard of you. I designed this costume myself. Deadpool
: Sure. Black and white eyes. Red suit. Though you made it your own with the crossword theme. Oh, wait. Webs! Those are webs. No pouches though. You need pouches.
: Word is that Fury left his S.H.I.E.L.D. tablet in a hotel bathroom. So you can see why he'd want to be discreet. Now, see I agreed to help even though Fury and me don't always see eye to eye. Now, do you get that? Eye to eye? Eye to eye! Hm, get it? Spider-Man
: Yeah, I do eye jokes too.
: You've got to be kidding me. You have your own private jet? Deadpool
: Yep. It was a present from one Tony Stark. Spider-Man
: He never gave me a jet. Seriously, from one super dude to another, what's your secret? Deadpool
: Origin story time!
: Oh, shiny. What is that? Spider-Man
: You see my spidey-sense? It's this thing in my brain that warns me of danger. Deadpool
: I'll give you a thousand bucks for your brain.
: I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is. Deadpool
: We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche? Spider-Man
: Wait, un-alive them? Deadpool
: Yeah, yeah here's the thing, I can't really say the k-word out loud. It's a weird mental tick. But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes. We'll k-word them. Spider-Man
: K-word? You mean you want to kill them? Deadpool
: Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them. Spider-Man
: We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!
: Spider-Man. Nice of you to finally visit my school. Unfortunately I'm no longer accepting applicants. Spider-Man
: We've come for the list of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Taskmaster. And for Agent MacGuffin. Taskmaster
: We who? Spider-Man
: Me and Dead... Deadpool! Taskmaster
: Deadpool is here? What? Deadpool
: Boogity-boo! Did you miss me? Taskmaster
: You. You're out of your mind to come here. I will destroy you.
: Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum. Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater! Spider-Man
: Are you just going to keep yelling names from A to Z until you guess? Deadpool
: No. Barry Barrington! Spider-Man
: You're not well. Deadpool
: I know.
: Oh, Spider-Man. If you'd studied with me instead of Fury you might not be so naive. Who do think I stole the identity list from in the fist place? Spider-Man
: Agent MacGuffin? Deadpool
: Heh. Confession time. Yeah, it was me. Spider-Man
: You? Deadpool
: And there is no Agent MacGuffin. And also I stole the list from S.H.I.E.L.D., but Taskmaster swiped it from me when I left my pouches in the potty. Spider-Man
: What? Deadpool
: Dude, couldn't help it. I had Indian food. My legs went numb I was in there so long.
: No, piranhas! They're so bitey. Oh that's so much funnier when it happens to someone else. Spider-Man
: Booby traps. Deadpool
: You said, "traps."
: They should call you "elevator operator" 'cause you're bringing me down. Or "tonsils" 'cause you're a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh! Spider-Man
: Lame. Next you'll be telling me to "go soak my head." Deadpool
: Ah, what a swellegant idea. But it'll look a lot funnier in my imagination. Spider-Man
: What? Deadpool
: Spider-Man, go soak your head.
: Have I told you my origin story? Spider-Man
: Like a billion times, now. How about telling me the truth? Deadpool
: You can't handle the truth. Spider-Man
: Weapon X is indeed glad to have you back, Logan. We put considerable time and money into you. Deadpool
: And pointy things!
: You were our best operative, Wolverine. So disappointing. But you did lead us to Dr. Banner. Of course, you know him better as the Hulk. Deadpool
: [reveals gun and ammo
] I shot him in the ass, with one of these!
[Everyone glares at him
: What? I did!
: No! Deadpool
: Yes. As in, "Yes, you're going to die." BANG! Just kidding.
: I can't believe it... I'm alive. I'm alive!
[the Hulk lands on top of him and leaps away
: [looking at the Professor
] Well, he's alive, but I think he's going to need some serious TLC. Sabretooth
: The last thing the Professor said before the runt gutted him was for us to kill Wolverine. Deadpool
: Really? Hmm...
[to Omega Red
: You buy that? Yeah, you know, I would think the last thing he said was, "Ah, Sabretooth!" Omega Red
: We kill Wolverine now. That is all that matters. Deadpool
: Whatever you say, ponytail. Who am I to say no to a little murder?
[draws his guns
: [to Team X
] Strike a pose!
: What do you say after the mission, we kill all of those floating babies? Omega Red
: Do you ever shut up, Wilson? Deadpool
: What? Babies creep me out.
[cradles his rife
: Logan, we missed you! And Weapon X just hasn't been the same without you. Nobody calls me "bub" anymore, and Omega Red's a bed wetter... Omega Red
] One day I will tear out your flippant tongue, Wilson. Deadpool
: [whispering to Wolverine
] He's very ashamed.
: [to the Professor
] What do you want with the Hulk? Deadpool
: We just wanna help him find his happy place. Did you see how angry he was? I mean, I'm sorry, but come on. I think his pants are too tight...
[Omega Red's tentacle wraps around his neck and starts choking him
: [after being choked by Omega Red
] Argh... so not cool... I hate that guy!
[walks towards Wolverine
: Wolverine, you look so sad. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Lady Deathstrike tried to kill you when you were asleep. Wolverine
: Better than having to listen to you. Deadpool
: Man, does she hate you. I mean, we all hate you, but Deathstrike really, Really, REALLY hates you!
[takes out his gun
: Hey, still have that unbreakable skull?
[Points gun at Wolverine's head and fires. Screen turns black
: Oh... damn it!
: Hey! Wait for me!
[Deadpool jumps on a rampaging Hulk
: Who wants snacks? YOU do!
[Deadpool forces a grenade down the Hulk's gullet and then jumps off, landing alongside Wolverine, and the two run down a straight hallway with the Hulk in pursuit
: Logan, I think we lost him!
[the grenade inside the Hulk explodes...
: And they all lived happily ever after, except the Hulk! Wolverine
: Bub... you just made him angrier! Hulk
: Talking man hurt Hulk... HULK RIP OFF TALKING MAN'S HEAD! Deadpool
: My head? Oh, crap...! Wolverine
: He's all yours, Einstein!
[grabs Deadpool and throws him towards the Hulk
: Logan? We're friends! NO! NOOO!
[the Hulk and Wolverine are apprehended with knockout bullets
: [to Wolverine
] Thanks, runt. We've been trying to take him down for weeks. Deadpool
: Hey, Logan, it's me, Deadpool! I shot you...
[Wolverine falls unconscious
: GAIJIN! Sabretooth
: End of the line, runt! Got any last words? Wolverine
: Yeah... TWO!
: [draws his katanas
] Let's dance!
: [falling on Wolverine
[Wolverine slices Deadpool's arm off
: AAH! Ow! Oh... dude, that is just *not* cool!
[looks at the stump on his body, then his arm some meters away
: Wow! Look at that! Could you give me a hand?
: Just kidding! All right... I'll go get it.
[runs to fix his arm back on
: Magneto! Welcome to die!
: I just beat Mag-Freakin-Neto! Where yo curly mustache at?
: You see that? *That's* how you beat Wolverine, people.
[grabs the camera and starts shaking it
: AND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED OPTIC BLAST!
: I just beat Mag-freakin-neto! Where yo curleh mustache at?
: Check me out. I'm the ghost of Christmas kick your ass!
: [Deadpool grabs the camera and talks to the player
] Hey! Yeah, you! I'm down here bustin' my ass while you sit on yours watching me jump around? How is that fair?
: Yo' mama!
: [facing Spider-Man
] Gonna rough you up like a Broadway musical!
: [after defeating Pheonix Wright
] Justice has been served! No, I don't know how. Just roll with it, okay, people?
: Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.
: Everyone protect me!
: Me? Yeah, I'm fine. I just have an uncontrollable urge to rip you to tiny shreds and then dance and spit all over your graves.
: Wow, this is really, really freaky! I could swear I know you from somewhere. Did we go to law school together? Deadpool
: I know what you mean. I've seen you before, I just can't place your face. Weren't you in my oragami class last fall? Deadpool
: Wait! I know where I've seen your face. In my mirror... every morning!" Deadpool
: Heavens to murgatroide! That's it! You're me! Deadpool
: No no no no no no no, I beg to differ. You... are me! Deadpool
: Come on. let's not quibble over such a huge philosophical conundrum here. What do you say when you meet yourself? Deadpool
: How about 'you're lookin goooood!' Deadpool
: Works for me. Well, now I have to kill ya. Not that I want to, it's just a little something Mister Sinister ordered me to do. Deadpool
: Are you ok? Deadpool
: Me? I'm fine. I just have an uncontrollable urge to rip you into tiny shreds and spit on all of your graves.
: I'm really good at killing. You might say it's my specialty. That and ballroom dancing. But guess which one I can actually make a living at.
: Somebody test this guy for steriods!
: [Upon defeating an enemy, pensievely
] But did either of us truly win?
: EVERYBODY! Shield me with your bodies!
: [after defeating an enemy
] Now gimme all your lunch money!
: Fusion's so cool, they should've put it in the game title.
: I'm killing indiscriminately, and it's okay.
: It had nothing to do with politics, I just don't like you!
: Look, it's the Fusion game mechanic.
: I refuse to say some clever quip because *you* set down the controller.
Nanite Nick Fury
: [as he emerges in his nanite armor
] Cute trick, but did you really think we wouldn't see this coming? Deadpool
: It's game over Fury and you're all out of continues. You're alone. You can't possibly... Nanite Nick Fury
: Oh, I'm not alone. You may have frozen The Fold, but you haven't eliminated it. And with these new Nanites, I can draw the entire collective's power. I won't need more of a fraction to kill you. Then I will shut down that annoying signal of yours for good. In another minute, it will be all so clear.
: I'm not just the Merc with a Mouth, I'm the sensation with a registration.
: Senator Lieber from New York State. Good to meet you. You've done us a great service. You heroes are OK in my book. Maybe we should put this registration business on hold. Wolverine
: No kidding, bub. You can't expect the X-Men to reveal their names to the... Senator Lieber
: Say no more, Canucklehead. Not everyone fears and hates mutants. Well, best of luck trying to catch that maniac. Like our state motto says, "Excelsior!" Deadpool
: Don't I know you from somewhere? Senator Lieber
: You don't look like the voting type. Deadpool
: Yeah, whatever. Hey guys, I'll take these pencil-pushers back to the Capitol. Give me a call if you want to hang out again.
[from leaked test footage
: There's no easy way to say this... I'm pregnant, Trevor!
: [from leaked test footage
: [sees the title card for his own film
] Oh, fuck me!
[from leaked test footage
: [singing to Hollaback Girl on the radio
] I heard that you were talking shit / And you didn't think that I'd hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my shit, this my shit / This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...
[from leaked test footage
: Oh, hello there! I bet you're wondering, why the red suit? Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed!
[spots a convoy of mercenaries
: Let's hope these guys are wearing their brown pants...
[from leaked test footage
: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
: Oh, I just remembered, I have to... uh... floss. Ultimate Spider Man
: Ah, don't run away like a sniveling coward just because I was whipping your heinie. Ultimate Deadpool
: I'm not running away! I'm just going to find a dictionary so I can look up "sniveling"! Sniveling.
] Ultimate Deadpool
: Get in here boys, show Wally Webs here he can't twist my doorknobs!
: Listen, Webby, I can't have you swinging around in your footy pajamas, destroying my cameras. You're going to have to tangle with my ARMY! And by army, I mean production assistants, and by production assistants, I mean unpaid interns, and by unpaid interns I mean fans. You're going to have to tangle with my FANS! Ultimate Spider Man
: Lamest. Supervillain. Ever.
: I don't do charity. Deadpool
: I donate to the Red Cross; you're a bitch!
: You don't mess... with "DP."
: You... don't know who I am? Deadpool
: I'm gonna go with "George Washington." Slim Jim
: We've known each other for... we just had a conversation, like, 15 minutes ago!... you REALLY don't... Deadpool
: Oh, no no no no! You're probably confused: a lot of people mix me up with Spider-man. Slim Jim
: Damnit! This is why no one likes you!
[the player has rescued Stan Lee
: Him again? He's in this game more than I am! Who does he think he is?