Sheriff Jack Carter
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Quotes for
Sheriff Jack Carter (Character)
from "Eureka" (2006)

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"Eureka: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Marshal Jack Carter: [to Deputy Jo Lupo] Whoa, whoa, *whoa*! Let's... not... shoot the crazy end-of-the-world machine just yet, OK?

Henry Deacon: [while giving Jack's car back] Um, try to keep her on the ground.
[Jack smiles]
Henry Deacon: [dead serious] No, no, really.
Marshall Jack Carter: [drives off] Yeah.

Marshal Jack Carter: Where are you taking me? Area 51?
Allison Blake: Area 51 *wishes* they had our security.

Zoe Carter: It was an honest to God, paranormal encounter!
Marshal Jack Carter: *You* are an honest to God, paranormal encounter.

Marshal Jack Carter: [about Taggart] Oh, yeah. He's stable.

[Taggart just accidentally tranqued Vincent instead of a dog]
Marshal Jack Carter: [muttering] It's just a dog, for crying out loud.
Jim Taggart: [stops, turns back to Jack] Now you listen to me, friend. I once tracked a polar bear across the Arctic tundra, dived with great whites off The Barrier Reef, hunted with the prides of the Serengeti, but none of it even begins to compare with what that animal's
Jim Taggart: [with sudden sadness] put me through.
Jim Taggart: [pauses, laughs a little] It's not "just a dog", Marshal.
Jim Taggart: [nearly whispering] It's the devil himself.
[they exchange looks, and Taggart walks off]
Marshal Jack Carter: [to himself] Oh, yeah. He's stable.

Marshal Jack Carter: Somebody order an invasion?

[last lines]
Sheriff Jack Carter: [something crashes through the roof] Jo, call Henry.

Zoe Carter: And what if you don't make it back? I'll be stuck in here like those guys in a plane who had to eat each other!
Marshal Jack Carter: You're right.
Zoe Carter: I know!
Marshal Jack Carter: Here. Here's some ketchup. Start at your feet, work your way up.

[a GD security checkpoint flash-scans Jack's and Allison's retinal patterns]
Marshal Jack Carter: Ah-I think I'm blind.
Allison Blake: Relax. That almost never happens.

Sheriff Jack Carter: You know, uh, Zoe it was wrong for me to leave you like that. I know it was rough. And that I wasn't always available, so...
Zoe Carter: [Smiling] Are you apologizing?
Sheriff Jack Carter: [Now Smiling Also] Well, um, no.
Zoe Carter: Yes, you are!
Sheriff Jack Carter: No!
Zoe Carter: You are! You're totally apologizing to me!
Sheriff Jack Carter: All right, yeah. Yeah, I am sorry.
Sheriff Jack Carter: *Now* is there something you want to say to me?
Zoe Carter: Nope, uh-uh.
Sheriff Jack Carter: [Chuckling] Well, you're definitely *my* kid.

"Eureka: Dr. Nobel (#1.6)" (2006)
Zoe Carter: You know, it sometimes sucks when your dad's the town smokie.
Marshall Jack Carter: Yeah, well, it sometimes sucks when your daugther's the town delinquent.
[Zoe glares]
Marshall Jack Carter: Okay, I take it back.
Zoe Carter: Thank you.
Marshall Jack Carter: It always sucks.

[Carter asks about the town's death ray and only gets more confused]
Marshall Jack Carter: How much time do we have?
Computer Voice: Weapons will deploy in twenty-three hours.
Marshall Jack Carter: Finally, a straight answer.

Marshall Jack Carter: Oh, come ON! If scientists are so smart, how come they don't know anything about PENMANSHIP?

Marshall Jack Carter: Why don't you just call it a death ray?

Henry Deacon: Irvine Thatcher, Its gotta be Irvine Thatcher. He was this brilliant scientist behind M.A.D.
Marshall Jack Carter: Uh, Mothers Against Drunk Driving?
Henry Deacon: Mutually Assured Destruction
Marshall Jack Carter: Oh! That M.A.D.!

Marshall Jack Carter: [staging a fake Nobel Prize ceremony] Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1962 !

Marshall Jack Carter: It's a ray, that causes instant death, how is that not a death ray?

"Eureka: Many Happy Returns (#1.2)" (2006)
[after finding out how many magazines and newspapers S.A.R.A.H. has access to]
Marshall Jack Carter: My... GOD... I may never leave!

Marshall Jack Carter: Now, if we could do something about the voice.
Douglas Fargo: Sorry, it's temp audio. Just waiting to hear back from Sarah Michelle Gellar's people. Rar!
Marshall Jack Carter: I don't even know how to respond to that.

Marshall Jack Carter: Okay. Don't sleep on the nuclear powered device. Good safety tip.

Marshall Jack Carter: I'm a human guinea pig.

Marshall Jack Carter: It's not like we have a form to "undead" you.
Deputy Jo Lupo: *Ahem*
Marshall Jack Carter: Tell me you're kidding.

Susan Perkins: Just do what you have to do. I just want to get back to my normal life.
Marshall Jack Carter: I can relate.

Marshall Jack Carter: Can we just hurry it up? I'm not a big fan of cemeteries.
Henry Deacon: Oh. One too many Romero movies.
Marshall Jack Carter: One too many funerals.

"Eureka: If You Build It... (#3.13)" (2009)
Sheriff Jack Carter: Yeah, that's what the world needs is more people asleep at the wheel.
Zoe Carter: Do you have to suck the fun out of everything?

[Deputy Lupo admires her new car]
Deputy Jo Lupo: Two hundred and sixty-five horsepower, track-two suspension and four-wheel drive. Totally high performance but completely under my control.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Kind of like Zane.

Tess Fontana: Stakeouts are fun.
Sheriff Jack Carter: They're... they're more fun with, um, pepperoni than with, uh, organic tofu, by the way.

Sheriff Jack Carter: Well, I've met a lot of viruses but none of them that ever made me build jump towers in my sleep.

"Eureka: Insane in the P-Brane (#3.11)" (2009)
[after learning that Section 5 has been reopened]
Sheriff Jack Carter: Section 5? I hate that section.

Tess Fontana: You satisfied?
Sheriff Jack Carter: In what way?

Tess Fontana: You're smarter than you dress.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Yeah. What?

Sheriff Jack Carter: Murray, you gotta turn on the ghost whisperer so that we can communicate.
Dr. Drechmeyer: I can feel you, Mother.

"Eureka: H.O.U.S.E. Rules (#1.11)" (2006)
Marshall Jack Carter: How is that not a force field?

Marshall Jack Carter: You wanted *me* to be happy, because I was gonna leave. Huh? Just like Fargo left you and, uh, B.R.A.D. got left before that and whatever the hell it was before that.
Douglas Fargo: It was a war game simulation program.
S.A.R.A.H.: Shall we play a game?
Marshall Jack Carter: No!
Douglas Fargo, Beverly Barlowe, Henry Deacon, Nathan Stark: No!
Allison Blake: No!

[last lines]
S.A.R.A.H.: I was thinking, Sheriff, if you both would like take another sick day, we could spend some quality time together.
S.A.R.A.H.: [closed caption's version of previous line] Pardon me for interrupting, but I thought you might be interested in watching a new episode of Dr. Phil, which starts in five minutes.
Marshall Jack Carter: Oh, look at the time.
Zoe Carter: Uh, I gotta get ready for school.
Marshall Jack Carter: Gotta go to work.
S.A.R.A.H.: Perhaps we could play a board game. Or watch a movie.
S.A.R.A.H.: [closed caption's version of line] "Has Technology Splintered the American Family?" Hello? Hello-oo?
S.A.R.A.H.: Hello? Hello-oo?

Douglas Fargo: When, uh, I'm stressed, my subtext comes out as text.
Marshall Jack Carter: Fargo, do you want me to duct tape shut your mouth?

"Eureka: Games People Play (#2.4)" (2007)
Marshall Jack Carter: Nathan Stark? Your ex-husband. The evil, maniacal bane of my existance.
Allison Blake: Sounds like someone I'd marry.

Henry Deacon: Do you remember Occam's Razor?
Marshall Jack Carter: Yeah. Simple things are true.
Henry Deacon: Close enough.

Marshall Jack Carter: When the people I care about keep disappearing I'm ready to do whatever it takes.

Marshall Jack Carter: [to the house, which is playing dramatic and sentimentsl music to celebrate Zoe staying] Oh Sarah, knock it off.

"Eureka: Duck, Duck Goose (#2.5)" (2007)
Marshall Jack Carter: Area 51 is real?
Henry Deacon: [nods] No!

Marshall Jack Carter: Can I ask you why you built a flock of robo-birds?

Marshall Jack Carter: [about Jo, after getting zapped by a security field at G.D.]*so* mean.

"Eureka: Purple Haze (#1.10)" (2006)
Marshall Jack Carter: If I have to come back, I'm bringing a stun gun and a weed whacker.

Marshall Jack Carter: [walks up to Taggart who's standing naked in the woods] Taggart. You're naked.
Jim Taggart: Au naturel.
Marshall Jack Carter: Might I ask why?
Jim Taggart: Why not?
Marshall Jack Carter: Unfortunately that doesn't tell me if you're infected or not.

Marshall Jack Carter: Which, of course, is incredibly dangerous.
Allison Blake: Have you ever known anything to change the world that wasn't?
Marshall Jack Carter: Velcro?

"Eureka: Right as Raynes (#1.8)" (2006)
Henry Deacon: Well, there's your problem. That's whats been messing up everything on the internet.
Allison Blake: Is this our glitch?
Henry Deacon: Glitch? No. That's a virus.
Marshall Jack Carter: You guys should have switched to Macs.

Marshall Jack Carter: Where is it?
Zoe Carter: Where's what?
Marshall Jack Carter: ...Your hair.
Zoe Carter: Where's my hair?

"Eureka: Hide and Seek: Part Four (#1.5)" (2006)
Jack Carter: You keep your gun in the glove compartment?
Allison Blake: This is Eureka, Carter.

Henry Deacon: [indicating the microscope] Um, look at this. It's the cellular structure. The DNA markers are humanoid, but slightly different than ours.
Jack Carter: [looking through the microscope] Oh, wow.
Henry Deacon: Do you have any idea what you're looking at?
Jack Carter: No. Not really.
Henry Deacon: They are regressive genetic traits that haven't been seen in maybe a million years. You'd have to be a neanderthal to still carry genetic markers like that. Oh, and here's the kicker. The, uh, the tooth that you gave me... doesn't belong to this thing.
Allison Blake: So there's another one of these things running around?
Jack Carter: One that eats bears.
Henry Deacon: [holding the tooth] Yeah, and judging by the size of this, it's bigger. Much bigger.

"Eureka: Unpredictable (#2.3)" (2007)
Marshall Jack Carter: Why can't you people just *say* 'ice funnel of death'?

Marshall Jack Carter: [Trying to turn off the hurricane] I'm trying!
Allison Blake: How hard is it to push a button?

"Eureka: A Night in Global Dynamics (#2.13)" (2007)
Zane Donovan: Guys, we're picking up heat signatures down the hall from you
Nathan Stark: Where exactly?
Douglas Fargo: In the... In the morgue.
Marshall Jack Carter: I swear to God, if this thing turns into a zombie attack, I am quitting.

Marshall Jack Carter: [about to climb down an elevator shaft] You should probably let me go first.
Nathan Stark: Why?
Marshall Jack Carter: Heights make me nauseous.
Nathan Stark: After you.

"Eureka: Blink (#1.7)" (2006)
Henry Deacon: He's been juicing.
Marshall Jack Carter: On what? Rocket fuel?

Marshall Jack Carter: Two bits of advice: always check the safety; and never rush the mound when the pitcher's got the ball.

"Eureka: This One Time at Space Camp... (#4.18)" (2011)
Warren Hughes: You can't do this! Beverly Barlowe knocked everyone out! She's trying to take over GD!
Sheriff Jack Carter: I don't remember that one.

Sheriff Jack Carter: That's it?
Warren Hughes: Well, what were you expecting? The Spanish Inquisition?
Sheriff Jack Carter: No one *expects* the Spanish Inquisition.

"Eureka: What Goes Around, Comes Around (#3.18)" (2009)
Sheriff Jack Carter: I love it when you talk nerdy to me.

Sheriff Jack Carter: What button d'you push THIS time?
Douglas Fargo: Can you not recognize a victim when you see one?

"Eureka: Show Me the Mummy (#3.5)" (2008)
Zane Donovan: [Speaking of a plague brought with an ancient Egyptian mummy and her tomb] It's a swarm. That's what the cloud
Zane Donovan: stands for.
Marshall Jack Carter: Yeah, what kind of threat is it?
Dr. Wilding: The bugs lay eggs, hatch larvae and then seek out new hosts.
Henry Deacon: Us.
Eva Thorne: Well, how did the ancient Egyptians deal with the problem?
Zane Donovan: They killed the infected and burned their city to the ground.

"Eureka: Try, Try Again (#2.2)" (2007)
Nathan Stark: Good job, Carter. Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Oh, give it a second.
Nathan Stark: Yep, there it is.

"Eureka: E=MC...? (#2.8)" (2007)
Jack Carter: So, all the facts of the world at your fingertips again?
Allison Blake: Hen oida hoti ouden oida.
[Greek: I know that I know nothing]
Jack Carter: Either that's very profound, or you're badly brain damaged.

"Eureka: Best in Faux (#3.3)" (2008)
Sheriff Jack Carter: Don't mind us.
Nathan Stark: That was my plan.

"Eureka: Alienated (#1.4)" (2006)
[examining strange, circular patterns in a wheat field]
Marshall Jack Carter: What do you make of this?
Deputy Jo Lupo: Well, it's a crop... It's cut into cicles...

"Eureka: God Is in the Details (#2.10)" (2007)
Marshall Jack Carter: Ok. Bottom line: If Reverend Harper is responsible, we're in for a lot more.
Henry Deacon: Yeah, like a plague of locust, or a fiery hail ... or... or... or... total darkness.
Marshall Jack Carter: [all the lights go out] You had to say it.

"Eureka: Welcome Back, Carter (#3.9)" (2009)
Dr. Maria Leonardo: So where are your uniforms?
Sheriff Jack Carter: Er it's an unofficial visit.
Dr. Maria Leonardo: So is true that you guys got fired?
Deputy Jo Lupo: He got fired, I quit.
Dr. Maria Leonardo: Bummer.

"Eureka: Family Reunion (#2.7)" (2007)
Nathan Stark: Of all people to bring out of cryostasis I resurrect another Fargo.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Yeah, kharma's a bitch. Hey, um, is anyone curious as to HOW he got in there?
Nathan Stark: He's a FARGO, are you really surprised?
Douglas Fargo: I am standing right here.

"Eureka: Hide and Seek: Part Seven (#1.8)" (2006)
Jo Lupo: This is over, right?
Jack Carter: I think so. Then again, it is Eureka.

"Eureka: Up in the Air (#4.14)" (2011)
Sheriff Jack Carter: [Answering phone] Hey, Andy, let me guess. There's a quantum, run-away, something-or-other.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Somebody did what?
Sheriff Jack Carter: I'll be right there.
[hangs up phone]
Sheriff Jack Carter: Somebody robbed a BANK!
[runs out of Cafe Diem]
Sheriff Jack Carter: YEEEAAAHHH!
Vincent: Should he really be happy about that?
Sheriff Jack Carter: [Walking down the street] No blob, no wormhole, just a good, old-fashioned bank robbery!
Deputy Andy 2.0: You seem down right perky, boss.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Yeah! We're gonna take fingerprints! We're going to do tire impressions! We're going to interview...
[sees an emtpy lot where the bank was]
Sheriff Jack Carter: ... witnesses. Uh, Andy?
Deputy Andy 2.0: Yeah, boss?
Sheriff Jack Carter: You said there was a bank robbery.
Deputy Andy 2.0: Yep, someone took it last night.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Of course they did.

"Eureka: One Giant Leap... (#4.20)" (2011)
[Carter has just been informed that tiny singularities are always forming around us, and disappearing before they affect regular matter]
Sheriff Jack Carter: So first, my PDA has a camera. And now, black holes are everywhere? People need to know these things!

"Eureka: Maneater (#2.11)" (2007)
Deputy Jo Lupo: [running out of the bathroom] She's gonna' blow!
Marshall Jack Carter: [after the explosion] What did you eat?

"Eureka: You Don't Know Jack (#3.16)" (2009)
Sheriff Jack Carter: Thank God, how's it going?
Tess Fontana: Hi, I'm Tess. And you would be...?
Sheriff Jack Carter: Totally screwed...

"Eureka: Bad to the Drone (#3.1)" (2008)
Jack Carter: Great rewards require great risk.
Eva Thorne: Big reader, are you sheriff?
Jack Carter: I heard it somewhere.

"Eureka: A New World (#4.2)" (2010)
Sheriff Jack Carter: Ahh, another day, another runaway robot.

"Eureka: Clash of the Titans (#4.17)" (2011)
Dr. Maria Leonardo: So how you been Sheriff?
Sheriff Jack Carter: I can't complain, can't complain. Nice, nice blooms you got.
Dr. Maria Leonardo: Thank you.

"Eureka: I Do Over (#3.4)" (2008)
Sheriff Jack Carter: I'm not crazy.
Douglas Fargo: Says the guy with crazy eyes and a gun.

"Eureka: Hide and Seek: Part Two (#1.3)" (2006)
Jo Lupo: This thing that escaped. Stark wouldn't say what it is?
Jack Carter: Nope. He says it's a need-to-know project and I don't need to know. I mean, who talks like that? Why does he have to be so arrogant?
Jo Lupo: He's a genius Nobel Prize winner. He's tall, he's...
Jack Carter: Okay, get it. I got it.

"Eureka: Hide and Seek: Part Five (#1.6)" (2006)
Douglas Fargo: Taggart and I were in the woods searching for that monster thing. He, he said it's the key to the greatest evolutionary mystery of all time. That it's the missing link.
Jack Carter: Would this have anything to do with regressive DNA?
Jo Lupo: Impressive.
Jack Carter: Thanks.
Jo Lupo: Um, Henry told you, didn't he?
Jack Carter: Yeah.

"Eureka: Once in a Lifetime (#1.12)" (2006)
Deputy Jo Lupo: I don't like this
Marshall Jack Carter: What's the matter, Jo, scared of a little transdimensional radiation?
Deputy Jo Lupo: Ya

"Eureka: O Little Town... (#4.10)" (2010)
Jack Carter: [staring after what appears to have been Santa Claus on a flying sleigh pulled by reindeers] Ho-Ho-ho crap!

"Eureka: Hide and Seek: Part One (#1.2)" (2006)
[watching a video on the internet]
Jack Carter: Oh, honey. It's probably some drunk in a monkey suit.
Zoe Carter: Whatever.
Jack Carter: Zoe, it's internet.
Zoe Carter: Jack, it's Eureka.

"Eureka: From Fear to Eternity (#3.8)" (2008)
Deputy Jo Lupo: Good afternoon. My name is Joe Lupo and I'll be savin' your ass today.
Sheriff Jack Carter: Someone ought to promote you.

"Eureka: It's Not Easy Being Green (#3.12)" (2009)
[as the ravenous beastie finally reveals its full, formidable self... ]
Sheriff Jack Carter: W-we're gonna need a bigger container.