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: A woman too must make the barren land fruitful. She must make life grow where there was no life. Just as the Mother Nile feeds and replenishes the Earth, I am the Nile. I will bear many sons. Isis has told me. My breasts are full of love and life. My hips are rounded and well apart. Such women, they say, have sons.
: You come before me as a suppliant. Antony
: If you choose to regard me as such. Cleopatra
: I do. You will therefore assume the position of a suppliant before this throne. You will kneel. Antony
: I will *what*? Cleopatra
: On-your-knees! Antony
: You dare ask the Proconsul of the Roman Empire? Cleopatra
: I *asked* it of Julius Caesar. I *demand* it of you!
: The way to prevent war is to be ready for it! Sosigenes
: Have 300 warships ever been built for war without war?
: Ah, yes. I seem to recall some mention of an obsession you have about your divinity... Isis, is it not? Cleopatra
: I shall have to insist that you mind what you say. I AM Isis. I am worshipped by millions who believe it. You are not to confuse what I am with the so-called divine origin which every Roman general seems to acquire together with his shield. It was, uh, Venus you chose to be descended from, wasn't it?
: How DARE you and the rest of your barbarians set fire to my library! Play conqueror all you want, Mighty Caesar! Rape, murder, pillage thousands, even millions of human beings! But neither you nor any other barbarian has the right to destroy one human thought!
: I will not be told where I can go and where I cannot go!
: There are never enough hours in the days of a queen, and her nights have too many.
: Germanicus! A guard to escort Queen Cleopatra to her apartments. Germanicus
: Guard! Cleopatra
: The corridors are dark gentlemen, but you mustn't be afraid. I am with you.
: Catullus doesn't approve of you. Why haven't you had him killed? Julius Caesar
: Because *I* approve of *him.*
: [admiring his armor
] And I find what you're wearing most becoming. Greek, isn't it? Antony
: I have a fondness for almost all Greek things. Cleopatra
: [referring to her Macedonian ancestry
] As an almost all-Greek thing, I'm flattered.
: What has angered you? That I dealt with Octavian however I could, or that I married his sister to do it? Jealousy or politics, which? Cleopatra
: Both! And damn you for not understanding either! Antony
: It would not occur to me to look to you for instruction. Cleopatra
: Which is why you have come back chained to Octavian like a slave. And with such an exquisite set of chains. So softly spoken, so virtuous! She sleeps, I hear, fully-clothed!
: [Kicks cushion from throne to Caesar, to get him to kneel
] You have such bony knees.
: I've always loved you. Cleopatra
: And I have always known.
[as they begin eating on Cleopatra's barge
] Marc Antony
: Fabulous feast. Cleopatra
: One is so limited when one travels by ship.
: [as Marc Antony and his men begin walking out of the throne room without saying anything
] You have not been dismissed! Cleopatra
: [Marc Antony and his men stop and face Cleopatra
] You are now... dismissed.
: Together we could conquer the world. Julius Caesar
: Nice of you to include me.
: It's not the Senate I'm worried about but their fat wives. Do you know anything about senators, Charmion? Charmion
: Well, we only got here yesterday, Majesty.
: I said things to Caesar I wish I hadn't. Cleopatra
: Oh? Marc Antony
: There's beauty in the Egyptian queen besides her face. Do you miss him? Cleopatra
: No, he didn't love me. Marc Antony
: Is that really the reason? Cleopatra
: No, not really. I admire men who don't love women. Marc Antony
: What do you mean by that? Cleopatra
: Oh, I don't know. Women should be but toys for the great. It becomes them both.
: So Rome would forgive and take you back? And all they demand is for us to part. Why don't they ask the sun to fall right out of the sky?
: Queens don't hiccup.
: [last line, to Charmion and Iras
] Look well for love. Look well. And not finding it, give nothing. But if blessed with Cleopatra's fortune, give all. Now, go.
: It seems strange to see you working. I've always pictured you either fighting or loving. Julius Caesar
: Well, I have had some experience with fighting. Cleopatra
: But none with loving, I suppose. Julius Caesar
: Well, none with pretty little queens.
: I had to walk miles across the desert to the sea... to find the fishing boat that brought me to you. But just seeing you is magic, immortal Caesar. Julius Caesar
: That's quite a speech. Your tongue is no longer bewitched by Caesar, eh? Cleopatra
: No. It's my heart now.
: So how's the conflict? Mediated? Hello?
: Dinger! Cleopatra
: Abe get down! DOWN! Joan went crazy after we divided to room. She's like a monkey in every way. Abe
: [Joan does a Tarzanesque swing from the top of the bed and starts throwing things at Cleo.
] I didn't expect that you two would divde the room horizontially. Cleopatra
: Bunkbeds Abe! Think! Ugh! Cleopatra
: [Cleo flings her false eyelashes at Joan and they stick in the wall beside Joan's head
] YANKEE GO HOME! Abe
: I think what Cleo is trying to say is that she would be more respectful of Joan if she... Joan of Arc
: DIE DIXIE SLUT! Abe
: I think Joan brings a good arguement to the table.
[Joan and Cleo continue to throw things at each other
: That's it Joan in the north and Cleo in the south hear me when I say a bedroom divided cannot stand on its own. Abe
: [Joan and Cleo throw flaming containers at each other which mistakenly hit Abe in his face after which he plummets out the two storey window into Cleo's swimming pool. He gurgles
] Storm's a brewin'.
: How are my two favourite girls? Joan of Arc
: Abe remind me. Do you like Cleo because she's conceited or because she's a whore? Abe
] Ho! Ho! Ho! Cleopatra
: And Abe remind me. Is Joan your best friend because of some elaborate joke or because of sympathy. Abe
] Ho! Ho! Ho!
] Welcome to the Grassy Knoll. Try our new smoothie with pomagranate juice. JFK
: Can I try that with melons? And Coconuts? Gandhi
: Can I have some yams? JFK
: Hey get your own jokes. The booby bit is MINE! JFK
: Can I have some "cans" of milk. Gandhi
: Yeah and some "jugs" of cream. JFK
: Alright you just brought yourself a knuckle massage!
[Crowd begins to chant fight
: A fight? Guys? GUYS? My conflict mediation seminar taught us how to reslove conflict. JFK
: [JFK punches Gandhi in the chin
] I've got your "berries" right here and by berries I mean my foot in your berries.
: Pun thief. Joan of Arc
: I never thought hell could be this pink. Cleopatra
: [opens up a drawer in her jewelry box
] You can put your stuff in here. If we're going to share a room I need you to sign this.
[produces a form
: It's a non-disclosure agreement. It phrohibits you from discussing such things as my pre-morning make-up face and my mid-moring bowel movement.
: [Appearing in bright light and smoke
] Who dares disturb of the tomb of the Great Cleopatra! Amelia von Butch
: [Kneeling down
] In the name of ISIS Goddess of Egypt be merciful to us! Oh, Queen of the Nile! Campbell
: What she said!
: You're greed has brought you far and though many dangers to look upon my golden beauty. Now you shall receive what you came for!
[Her mask splits apart reveling a hideous mummified face
] Amelia von Butch
: [Trying to escape
] No, it can't end like this for me! If you let me go I-I-I promise I'll stop treasure hunting forever, I'll open an Orphanage, I'll save the Rain Forrest, I'll recycle! Cleopatra
: [Look Amelia straight with her hideous face
] It is too late for that now!
[Vorenus is commanded to see Cleopatra
: Majesty commands you will enter her. Lucius Vorenus
: I do not understand. Charmian
: You have coitus with her. Lucius Vorenus
] You have it wrong. Coitus means to make babies! Charmian
: Exact! So, make babies.
[Cleopatra spreads her legs in anticipation
: Don't be scared.
[the female slave starts to undress him
] Lucius Vorenus
: I'm not scared. I just cannot do what you ask. It is not... it is not in our custom. Roman men are not used by women in this way. Charmian
: Come. You will enjoy it. My queen is an excellent lover.
[Cleopatra starts touching Vorenus with her foot, going from his chest to his crotch
: [Vorenus is in doubt. Then he mounts her, but hesitates and steps back
: What is he waiting for? He must do as he is told! Charmian
: Let me give you a hand. Lucius Vorenus
: [Shakes the slaves off of him
] Get off! I must ask forgiveness of Your Majesty, but I cannot comply! I am no slave to be commanded so! With all respect... Cleopatra
: He *refuses*? This... insect refuses *me*? Charmian
: You dare refuse the daughter of a sun god?
[Vorenus turns around and storms out of Cleopatra's tent towards Pullo
] Lucius Vorenus
: Pullo, report immediately to Princess Cleopatra and do as she says! Titus Pullo
: Eh? Lucius Vorenus
: You heard! Titus Pullo
: What's going on? Lucius Vorenus
: Just go!
: A man without sons is a man without a future.
: What's the matter? Cleopatra
: You're bald! That's why you wear the wreath!
: Is it sweet or bitter to be a queen? Cleopatra
: Bitter. Julius Caesar
: Cast out fear, and you will conquer Caeser.
: [to Hengist who is dressed as Caesar
] You do not look like your bust. Julius Caesar
: [who is dressed as Hengist
] No, he's not. He's just a bit cracked.
: There must be some way we can get rid of him. Cleopatra
: I have a poisonous asp. Mark Antony
: [checking out Cleopatra's ass
] Oh, I wouldn't say that.
: Wait. You're named Abe, aren'tcha Abe? Abe Lincoln
: To the max, Cleo. To the max.
: Hey, turn that frown upside down, Abe. At least it can't get any worse. Abe Lincoln
: How many times have i told you not to say that? Now something worse is gonna happen. I've seen it on Happy Days. Watch, in 3, 2, 1. Cleopatra
: Abe, I'm really confused about my feelings right now. I think I just need some time to be alone... with JFK.
: Wait! At least it can't get any *better*! Abe Lincoln
: It doesn't work that way Gandhi.
[a butterfly holding money flies in front of Gandhi
: [about Octavius
] Why don't we silence that boy by placing his head on a stick?
: [about Augustus
] Why don't we silence that boy by placing his head on a stick?
: [to Joan
] Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there. JFK
: I did but I didn't say anything.
: And for a fundraiser I'm hosting an open-mouth kissing booth. Joan of Arc
: Oh, for herpes awareness?
: Divorce your wife! Marry me and name Caesarion your one true heir! Julius Caesar
: No! Caesarion is my son. Octavian is my heir.
: Give me my robe; put on my crown; I have immortal longings in me...
: Are you trying to seduce me? Cleopatra
: I don't try! I seduce... or I don't!
: Cleopatra, why did you turn your ship from the fight? Cleopatra
: I believed the battle to be lost. Antony
: All the galleys have scattered and fled before the enemy and just when the battle was almost won! Cleopatra
: Do not blame me, what do I know of war? Antony
: But what about - love? Ours? If the worst came, we had sworn to die together. Cleopatra
: Aren't we together now, Antony? Oh, we can sail back to Alexandria, always together. We can still live, my dearest. Antony
: With shame on our names. Cleopatra
: Oh, but with love for each other in our hearts. My galley is swift. The Romans will never catch us. Come closer to me, Antony. Antony
: What have you done to me? Where have you led me? I was the greatest Roman of them all. What am I, now? Cleopatra
: You are my love.
: What would you do if you were in my place? Handmaiden
: If I had a husband like Marc Antony I would be faithful to him. Cleopatra
: A dog is faithful, a woman never.
: I am going to give you the library of Pergamon. It has more than twenty thousand volumes. Cleópatra
: A library!
: To my library!... My love...