Stanley 'Stan' Laurel
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Quotes for
Stanley 'Stan' Laurel (Character)
from Habeas Corpus (1928)

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Our Relations (1936)
Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow. What goes up the chimney?
Stan: Santa Claus.

Stan: What would you like Bubbles?
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel: Now, don't rush me, lover. I think I'll have a nice Welsh Rarebit.
Joe Grogan: One Welsh Rarebit.
Stan: With cheese.
Joe Grogan: With cheese.
[Double-take stare at Stan]

Bert Hardy: Garcon? Garcon?
Joe Grogan: What do you mean Garcon? Grogan's the name. What'll you have?
Bert Hardy: Why, I'd like a nice, large, cold flagon of beer.
Joe Grogan: What's yours?
Alf Laurel: Bring me two nice, clean straws that haven't been used.
Joe Grogan: [comes back to the table with beer and straws] That'll be a quarter.
Bert Hardy: A quarter? What for?
Joe Grogan: Ten cents for the beer and fifteen cents for the straws.

Mrs. Daphne Hardy: [Stops the desert cart] Pardon me.
[to Laurel]
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: Hey you, give me a hand.
[They each pick up a side of a giant birthday cake]
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: One, two, three.
[... and drop it on Hardy's head]
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: Happy Birthday, to you.
Alf Laurel: This isn't his birthday?
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: Never the less - Many Happy Returns. Come on, Betty, this is final!
[Storms off with Betty Laurel]
Bert Hardy: What did you want to go help her for?
Alf Laurel: Well I didn't know what she was going to do.
Bert Hardy: That's right, you wouldn't.

Stan: Why would they feel like that? Everybody has a black sheep in their closet.

Alf Laurel: Did you see what I saw?
Bert Hardy: Certainly, You know who they are? They're our twin brothers, Stan and Ollie
Alf Laurel: What are they doing here?
Bert Hardy: I don't know.

Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow.
Stan: Needles.
Ollie: Pins.

Stan: We'll see you before you go.
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel: Oh, lover!
[Goodbye kiss]

Ollie: Come in, Mrs. Avaquist.
Stan: It wasn't Mrs.Twiddlepass.
Ollie: Not Twiddlepass, Addlequist, eh, Ataquist, eh, never mind who it was, who was it?

Stan: Shakespeare
Ollie: Long - Not now!

Alf Laurel: What's in the package, Cappy?
Captain of SS Periwinkle: None of your business what's in it! Go on, get outta here. And don't call me Cappy!

Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow.
Stan: What goes up the chimney?
Ollie: Smoke.

Lily: What are you looking so innocent about?
Stan: I'm not so innocent.
Mrs. Betty 'Bubbles' Laurel: You bet you're not! And if you're as guilty, as I think you are, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Finn: The last time I saw them they had no clothes on.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: They had no clothes on? Who is this man?
Ollie: I don't know, Mommy, he's an absolute stranger to us, isn't he?
Stan: He certainly is! Who am I - eh, you?

Ollie: I'm going to teach them a lesson.
Stan: How do you mean?
Ollie: We are going to stay out all night! And we are not going home until they come to us and apologize!
Stan: That's a good idea. We'll give them enough rope so we can hang ourselves.

Drunk: Hello, buddies. What's the trouble now?
Ollie: Oh, we just had a little argument with the wives.
Stan: Yeah, you see, they don't understand us. So we're going to teach them a lesson. Aren't we Ollie?
Ollie: Yes and we're going to stay out - all night!
Stan: Yeah, till nine o'clock.
Drunk: You know that's funny. I'm in the doghouse too!
Ollie: Well, we're all in the same boat!

Stan, Ollie: All for one and one for all!
Drunk: All!
Stan: Shakespeare.
Ollie: Longfellow.
Drunk: George Washington.
Ollie: What goes down the flue?
Drunk: A good slug of liquor!
Ollie: Right!

Alf Laurel: Well, what do you think we better do?
Bert Hardy: That's entirely up to you. You thought of a way to get us into this mess. Now, think of a way to get us out of it.

Bert Hardy: [Stranded in a hotel with no clothes, Laurel suggests they dress up like the "fellas that look like Eskimos" in "Singapore" - using bed quilts and towels as their set of clothes] That sounds screwy to me. But, any old port in a storm.
Alf Laurel: It might be a good idea.
Bert Hardy: You've gotta be right once in your life!

Alf Laurel: What'd he say?
Bert Hardy: I don't know?
Man wearing a Turban: Don't you speak Arabic?
Bert Hardy: Oh, no sir. We're a couple of Singapore Eskimos.

Alf Laurel: Funny looking dames, aren't they?
Bert Hardy: I don't know. I kinda like that big, fat blonde.
Alf Laurel: The little one wasn't so bad.
Bert Hardy: They're cute.

Bert Hardy: What's the matter? We can explain everything?
Alice: You can't explain those two old cronies!
Alf Laurel: They're not old cronies. They're a couple of old welfare workers.

Alice: Well, sit down and have a drink.
Bert Hardy: We will as soon as we get rid of these two old battle-axes.
Alf Laurel: Yeah, we'll soon get rid of them.
[the two old battle-axes walk up behind them]
Alice: Is that so!
Bert Hardy: Oh, we want you to meet the two girls we met this afternoon.
Alf Laurel: Yeah, Lily and Alice.
Mrs. Daphne Hardy: I know all about them - you ungrateful hound!

Finn: Before, it was two to one. Now, it's three to two. That makes it even.
Alf Laurel: You must be balmy. We haven't seen you since...
Finn: Balmy, am I! At 'em boys!

Alf Laurel: You're sure lookin' good, Stanley. But, how you have altered.
Stan: You've altered too, but, you haven't changed a bit.

Saps at Sea (1940)
Stanley Laurel: Hey! Which way is the alley?
Desk Clerk: Out in the street.

Oliver Hardy: Dinner! Oh, Mr. Nick? Dinner is served.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [enters and sits down] Well... looks good
[smells the fake dinner]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: smells good, and I better it probably tastes good.
Oliver Hardy: Oh, you're going to like this. It's just like mother used to make.
Stanley Laurel: Oh, it's better than that.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [grins] Well, if it's that good,
[puts dinner on two plates and gives one to Stan, one to Ollie]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: you eat it.

Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: Just like mother used to make, eh, Dopey?
Stanley Laurel: [nods weakly]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: Only better, right, Dizzy?
Oliver Hardy: [nods weakly]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [smirks] Have a meatball, Dizzy.
Oliver Hardy: [very weakly] Thank you.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [smirking] You're welcome.

Oliver Hardy: [shows horn] What's the idea of bring this along?
Stanley Laurel: Oh, my professor said, if I don't practice I might lose my lip.
Oliver Hardy: Uh-huh, and if you do practice, you'll lose your neck.

Desk Clerk: [calling Oliver's room] Mr. Laurel? There's a Professor O'Brien here to see you.
Stanley Laurel: Oh, that's swell! You know, he's been expecting me.

Oliver Hardy: [Referring to the ice bag] What have you got in this?
Stanley Laurel: Nothing.
Oliver Hardy: Well, what good is an ice bag without any ice?
Stanley Laurel: Well, we haven't any ice.
Oliver Hardy: [Exasperated] Well, go put some cold water in it, so I can put it on my... head.
Stanley Laurel: [Bewildered] Well, I didn't know.

Oliver Hardy: Who was it?
Stanley Laurel: It was the doctor.
Oliver Hardy: [Annoyed] Well, what did he say?
Stanley Laurel: He said he'd be up here in about a quarter of an hour or fifteen minutes, as quick as he can get here.

Stanley Laurel: [to Ollie] You know, your nerves are getting to look better already.

[last lines]
Harbor Patrol Captain: [at the jail after Hardy beats him up] What cell is Nick Grainger in?
Officer: Twenty-four.
Harbor Patrol Captain: Well, here's two more for him.
Oliver Hardy: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into...
Stanley Laurel: But I couldn't help it...
[cries, fade out]

Oliver Hardy: [to Stan, feeling crazed from the incessant deafening cacophony of the brass instruments and Klaxon horns blasting off all around him, and unable to understand why Stan seems so calm and unaffected] Doesn't this noise BOTHUH you?
Stanley Laurel: [off-handedly] No, it doesn't... it just goes in this ear and out of the other one. Doesn't bother me a bit.
[lifts the trumpet he was working on and blows loudly through it]
Stanley Laurel: Hawwwwwnnnnkkkk!

Stanley Laurel: Say, by the way, you haven't had any goat's milk
Oliver Hardy: I'm glad you reminded me.
Stanley Laurel: I'm glad I did too.
Oliver Hardy: Get me some.
Stanley Laurel: I will. It's a good thing for your nerves and that's what you need right now.
[gets up, causing the table to swerve and bump Ollie; Stan returns with a cup]
Stanley Laurel: How much milk do you want?
Oliver Hardy: That will be plenty.
Stanley Laurel: Okay.
Oliver Hardy: By the way, you know how to milk a goat, don't you?
Stanley Laurel: Sure, just the same as milking a cow. You hold the cup in this hand
[holds it in his left]
Stanley Laurel: And you take the other hand by the tail
[his right]
Stanley Laurel: And you go like that.
[makes an up and down pumping motion]
Stanley Laurel: 'Course, if you're lefthanded, you hold the cup in the other hand. But I always hold it in this hand...
Oliver Hardy: [takes the cup from Stan and stands up] "Hold the tail in that hand."
[imitates Stan's pumping motion]
Oliver Hardy: Such ignorance.

Stanley Laurel: [reading Ollie a bedtime story] Oh, here's a good one. This ought to send you to sleep. Listen: "Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, to get her poor dog a bone. But when she came there, the cupboard was bare, and so the poor dog had none." Poor dog. "She went to the bakers to buy him some bread, but when she came back, the poor dog was..." Ah, gee. "She took a clean dish to get him some tripe, but when she came back, he was smoking her pipe."
[looks bewildered]
Stanley Laurel: How can a dead dog smoke...?
[sees Ollie has fallen asleep]

Oliver Hardy: Don't you realize the effect the sound of a horn has on me? It makes me fighting mad. In fact, it gives me the urge to kill. I could take a body and break it in two and throw it. The very thought of it makes me tremble all over!
Stanley Laurel: Well I wouldn't get excited...
Oliver Hardy: WHO'S EXCITED?

Oliver Hardy: Well, here's another nice bucket of suds you got me into.
Stanley Laurel: I couldn't help it, Dizzy.
Oliver Hardy: What do you mean you couldn't help... and don't call me Dizzy, Dopey! It was your idea to get us on this boat. I'll never listen to another idea of yours as long as I live. And if I ever get out of this, I'll use my own judgment from then on.
Stanley Laurel: Well what are we going to do about something to eat?
Oliver Hardy: There's only one thing to do: fake it.
Stanley Laurel: What do you mean fake it?
Oliver Hardy: We'll serve him a synthetic meal.
Stanley Laurel: But we haven't got anything.
Oliver Hardy: You don't understand. We'll substitute things. For instance, we'll uh... we'll use this string for spaghetti, and-and we'll use this soap for grated cheese and so on and so on.
Stanley Laurel: But he can't eat that, it'll poison him.
Oliver Hardy: So what? If we don't get Old Nick, Nick Junior will get us.
[makes his hand into the shape of a gun to illustrate]
Stanley Laurel: You're right, Ollie. Self-reservation is the last law of... average.
Oliver Hardy: Dopey, you amaze me.
Stanley Laurel: Thank you, Dizzy. I get an idea...
Oliver Hardy: [shoves him off] Go ahead and fix the fire.

Stanley Laurel: What'll we use for tomato sauce?
Oliver Hardy: Look around and see if you can find anything that looks like it.
Stanley Laurel: How about this red paint?
Oliver Hardy: Perfect. Heat it up.

Stanley Laurel: Say, can you use this sponge for anything?
Oliver Hardy: Yeah, we can cut it up and use it for meatballs.

Harbor Patrol Captain: Do you two realize you've got a nice reward coming to you for this?
Oliver Hardy: What do you mean 'we two'? I'M going to get the reward.
Harbor Patrol Captain: Well aren't you gonna split it?
Stanley Laurel: Certainly not. He's going to treat me right, aren't you, Ollie?
Oliver Hardy: Why certainly.
Stanley Laurel: And take care of me.

Sons of the Desert (1933)
Oliver: Now isn't this nice?
Stan: It sure is. We're just like two peas in a pot.

Oliver: To catch a Hardy they've got to get up very early in the morning.
Stan: What time?
Oliver: Oh about half past - "What time." Hmph.

Stan: I've certainly got to hand it to you, Ollie.
Oliver: For what?
Stan: Well for the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma.
[Ollie looks at the camera, unamused]
Stan: Then, on the other hand...
Oliver: Get in bed.
Stan: What?
Oliver: Get in bed. "Meticulous." Hmph.

Oliver: Where is she?
Stan: Maybe she went to the mountains.
Oliver: I'll bet she did. You know she makes me sick.
Stan: Well if she didn't go to the mountains, then Mohammad would have to come here.

Lottie: Have you anything else to say?
Oliver: Why no. That's all there is. There isn't anymore. Is there Stanley?
Stan: No, that's our story and we're stuck with it. In it.

Oliver: You'd better take my temperature.
Oliver: Get that thermometer.
Stan: The what?
Oliver: Thermometer! You'll find it on the shelf.
Oliver: Ooh... ooh... ooh.
Oliver: [as Stan puts it in his mouth] Uh-um.
Oliver: [after Stan has taken his pulse] What does it say?
Stan: Wet and windy.

Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?
Stan: If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.

Oliver: What did Betty say?
Stan: Betty said that honesty was the best politics.

Oliver: Now why did you hire a veterinarian?
Stan: I didn't think his religion would make any difference.

Oliver: Why didn't you want to take the oath?
Stan: I was afraid.
Oliver: Of what?
Stan: I was afraid that if I took the oath, that my wife wouldn't let me go. And the Exhausted Ruler said that if... you took an oath, it would have to be broken for... generations and... centuries of... hundreds of years and my wife would let...
Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?
Stan: Well if I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.
Oliver: Why don't you pattern your life after mine? I go places and do things and *then* tell my wife. Every man should be the king in his own castle.

Stan: I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants. I'd like to see my old woman throwing things. It's disgraceful. Never heard of such goings off. On. If my old ball and chain ever talked to me... If she even dared... You know what I'd say?
Oliver: What?
Stan: I'd say...
[Sees Betty]
Stan: Hello, honey. I...
[Double takes]

Stan: If you don't be careful, she's going to get the upper hand of you.

Dr. Horace Meddick: What seems to be the trouble?
Stan: I think he's suffering from a nervous shakedown.

Betty: Stanley, is Oliver telling the truth?
Oliver: Go ahead and tell her.
[He mimes smoking a cigarette]
Betty: Is he?
Stan: [cries] No, we didn't go to Honolulu, we went to the convention...
[cries overtake his dialog... Oliver stares at the camera]

Oliver: Never mind what she said. What did Betty say?
Stan: Honesty is the best politics.

[last lines]
Stan: [sings] Hololulu baby, won't you close those eyes.
[a pot is hurled at his head]

Bonnie Scotland (1935)
Mrs. Bickerdike: Where is Mr. Hardy? I haven't seen him in the past three weeks.
Stanley MacLaurel: Oh, he's awful sick.
Mrs. Bickerdike: Is that a fact?
Stanley MacLaurel: Hoot, ma'am. You know the day he fell in the water he got an awful cold, and it turned into pneumatics.
Mrs. Bickerdike: Is he very sick?
Stanley MacLaurel: You're darn hootin' he's sick! You know the only thing he can keep on his stomach is a hot water bottle.
Mrs. Bickerdike: My, my, what a predicament!
Stanley MacLaurel: Yeah! I think he's got that too.

Khan Mir Jutra: [a gunshot is heard behind a screen] Remove the body.
Ollie: [the screen is removed. Stan has his eyes closed and a pistol pointed over his head] What happened?
Stanley MacLaurel: I missed myself.

Stanley MacLaurel: [after hearing that Sandy MacLaurel killed himself at the sight of his newborn son] That must have been an ugly kid.
Ollie: Sandy MacLaurel was *your father*.

Stanley MacLaurel: Say Ollie, what was that the General was trying to tell us that he didn't know himself? You know, about the mysteries of something?
Ollie: I don't know. Ask old Leatherpuss.
Stanley MacLaurel: Who?
Ollie: Leatherpuss!
Stanley MacLaurel: Sgt. Leatherpuss?
Sergeant Major Finlayson: Are you speaking to me?
Stanley MacLaurel: Yes sir.
Sergeant Major Finlayson: Who informed you my name was Leatherpuss?
Stanley MacLaurel: [Pointing to Ollie] He did.
Sergeant Major Finlayson: Well, my name is Sgt Finlayson, to you! From now on!

Mrs. Bunts: [Elderly Scottish lady] Oh, by the way, Mr. Miggs?
Mr. Miggs - the Lawyer: Yes, Mrs. Bunts?
Mrs. Bunts: The next time you drop down to Glasgow, you must come up and see me sometime.
Mr. Miggs - the Lawyer: Thank you.
Stanley MacLaurel: [to Ollie] That's Mae West.

Stanley MacLaurel: What do you think we better do, Ollie?
Ollie: I expected that. Every time you get us into a mess, you come to me, expecting me to get us out of it.
Stanley MacLaurel: Well, it wasn't my fault.
Ollie: What do you mean it wasn't your fault? If you hadn't been so money mad, we wouldn't be here! There we were, comfortably in jail, with one more week to serve. And you had to talk me into breaking out. Just to come on this wild goose chase of yours!
Stanley MacLaurel: Well, I guess we'll have to stow our way back home again. Go back to the jail and tell the warden we're sorry for all the trouble we've put him to and maybe we'll get our old cell back.

Ollie: Where have you been?
Stanley MacLaurel: The landlady gave me this. It's the bill for three weeks rent.
Ollie: There are more important things than this. Did you get me any pants?
Stanley MacLaurel: No, but, I got something to eat.

Ollie: How are you going to cook it?
Stanley MacLaurel: I never thought of that.
Ollie: No, you wouldn't! Once again, I have to come to your rescue and be the Mother of Invention! Oh!
Stanley MacLaurel: What you going to do?
Ollie: I'm going to cook the fish, over the candle.
Stanley MacLaurel: I've got an idea that's better than your Mother's invention.

Mrs. Bickerdike: Oh! This has gone far enough! Rent or no rent, get out of my house! You-you foreigners!
Stanley MacLaurel: [Referring to Ollie] He can't go out, he hasn't got any pants.
Mrs. Bickerdike: Come on! Pack up your things and get out!

Ollie: Ha-ha-ha-ha - - - Ha!
Stanley MacLaurel: What are you laughing at?
Ollie: Why shouldn't I laugh? Here am I, Oliver Norvell Hardy. A man without a home. A man without a country. A man without any pants!

Stanley MacLaurel: [Walking down a snowy street in kilts] Ollie?
Ollie: What?
Stanley MacLaurel: Do you feel a draft?

Stanley MacLaurel: Gee, I'm dumb today.
Ollie: Today?

Sergeant Major Finlayson: Hey, come here! I thought I told you to clean this place up.
Stanley MacLaurel: [Pointing to Ollie] Well, he told me not to pay any attention to what you had said.
Sergeant Major Finlayson: Doh! Who's running this army? You or me!
[Ollie and Stan point to Finlayson]
Sergeant Major Finlayson: Right! Now get to work! And don't let me see a speck when I get back! Leatherpuss, hmm!

Ollie: What are walking like that for?
Stanley MacLaurel: [Walking bowlegged] Well the horse didn't fit me.

Khan Mir Jutra: There's no escape! Take those.
Ollie: [Stan and Ollie pick up two pistols] What are these for?
Khan Mir Jutra: You are to use those to blow your brains out!
Stanley MacLaurel: [Crying] Oh, I never blew my brains out before.

Way Out West (1937)
Oliver: Well, fan my brow! I'm from the South!
Mary Roberts: You are?
Stan: Well, shut my mouth! I'm from the South too!
Oliver: The South of what, sir?
Stan: The South of London.

Ollie: We'll all go down to Dixie. Oh, for a slice of possum and yam. Mm!
Stan: Yes sir, and some good old fish and chips. I can smell 'em.
Ollie: [disgusted] Fish and chips!

Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale: Tell me about my dear, dear Daddy! Is it true that he's dead?
Stan: We hope so, they buried him.

Stan: Your hat's dry.
Oliver: Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.
Stan: Did I?
Oliver: Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.
Stan: Oh, now you're taking me literally.
Oliver: Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.
[Puts hat in his lap]
Oliver: Eat the hat.
Stan: Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?
Oliver: Whoever heard of anybody doing *that*.
[Immitates Stan's thumb lighter gimmick]
Oliver: Eat the hat!
Stan: [Gives it back] I won't do it.
Oliver: [Slams it back in his lap] If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!
Stan: Would you really do that?
Oliver: I certainly would.
[Stan says something incoherant due to him crying]
Oliver: [Showing no sympathy] Eat it.

Stan: That's the first mistake we've made since that fellow sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.
Oliver: Buying that bridge was no mistake. That's going to be worth a lot of money to us some day.

Sheriff: [having just gotten a tearful earful from his distraught wife about The Boys' having romantically harassed her on the coach] Fiddlin', huh?
Oliver: [absent-mindedly nods in agreement, then hastily shakes his head rapidly and forcefully, realizing that he should not be admitting to any wrongdoing]
Sheriff: Well... we don't like your kind around these parts! And there's one thing in this here town - - we DON'T allow! And that's messing with our women! Now, if you want to stay healthy, you'll catch the next coach out of town.
Oliver: Yes, sir. We'll be right on our way just as soon as we finish up with our business.
Sheriff: And if you MISS the next coach...
Sheriff: [draws revolver]
Sheriff: You'll be riding out of here in a HEARSE!
Sheriff: [slides the gun back into his holster with an angry shove] G'day, strangers!
[walks away huffily]
Stan: [with an innocently cheerful friendly wave after the departing sheriff, showing that he fails to grasp the gravity of the situation] Goodbye...!
Oliver: [hastiy shushing him] Let well enough alone!

Lola Marcel: Tell, me, what did he die of?
Stan: I think he died of a Tuesday, or was it a Wednesday?

Stan: Do you mind if I have another idea?
Ollie: If it's anything like the last one, yes.

Stan: [merely and naively referring to someone who mines for gold, unaware that -A- neither Lola nor Mary would be expected to dirty their pretty little hands by actually hefting a shovel themselves, or that -B- the term "gold digger" also means a woman who tries to get money out of unsuspecting men, and that Lola already IS a "gold digger"] Now that you own a gold mine, I bet you'll be a swell gold-digger.

Stan: We want to know why you're not Mary Roberts!

Stan: Wait a minute, while I spit on me hands.

Mickey Finn: I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?
Ollie: [smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way] Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.
Stan: [attempting to speak in a serious, slightly self-important tone, but obviously just blabbing away carelessly] Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?
Ollie: [looking disgusted at Stan's stupidity] Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...
[gives Stan an annoyed shove]
Ollie: You might as well know the rest!

Ollie: Now, compose yourself... smile... that's right... remember... ''every cloud has a silver lining''.
Stan: [in an attempt to wax poetic like Ollie] Yes - - any bird can build a nest, but it's not every one that can lay an egg.

Mickey Finn: [hearing a knock on the door] Who's there?
Mary Roberts: Mary.
Stan: Mary who?
Mickey Finn: [panicking] Mary... Mary Christmas!

Stan: Yes, any bird can build a nest, but it's not every one that can lay an egg!

Air Raid Wardens (1943)
Oliver: [inside the open car trunk] This is a job for the detectives.
Stanley: Maybe we should turn 'em over to the FHA.
Oliver: Yeah. Shhh!
[they get out of the car trunk]
Stanley: This must be the hide-in.
Oliver: Hide-out! Come on.

Dan Madison: Look, fellas, Uncle Sam wants everybody. There's plenty to be done right here in the home front. Why, I have a job for you. Here, take some of these posters.
Stanley: Where?
Dan Madison: Everywhere! We're having a big meeting tonight in the high school gym.
Oliver: What for?
Dan Madison: The war effort!
Oliver: That's right! There's a job to be done - right here at home!

Dan Madison: Boys, I hate to do this; but, I'll have to ask you to turn in your equipment.
Oliver: Now, Mr. Madison, surely you don't believe we were drunk last night?
Dan Madison: I'm sorry. The decision has been made. It's for the good of the service.
Stanley: You mean, they're better without us?
J.P. Norton: You men have caused nothing but trouble. First, you wrecked the gymnasium. Then you wrecked me. And now, drunk.
Stanley: Well, you know best. When we couldn't get in the Army or the Navy, Mr. Madison told us that we could do this kind of work and - it made us happy. We tried hard. But, I guess we're not smart like other people. But, if we can do something for our country, by not doing this work, we'll do that too. We'll do anything that Uncle Sam wants us to do. Won't we Ollie?

Stanley: We'll go down the street.
Oliver: We'll put them on both sides, so that they can see them coming and going.
[Ollie sings to himself while brushing paste onto a poster]
Oliver: [Stan accidentally puts a poster on Ollie's back, and removes it]
[Ollie brushes the poster onto a sandwich board]
Oliver: [sighs] Are you putting that one on upside - - oof - - down? Ohh!
[throws some poster paste at Stanley, which hits Mrs. Norton as she's coming out of the bank]
Oliver: Ooh!
Millicent Norton: Ugh!
Oliver: Ohh.
[Stanley brushes some poster paste in Ollie's face, knocking Ollie's hat off]
Oliver: Oof! Ugh.
Millicent Norton: Look at my dress, you've ruined my new dress!
Stanley: It wasn't me, lady, it was him
[hits Ollie in the face with his paste brush]
Oliver: Ohh!
Millicent Norton: What are you supposed to be doing, anyway?
Stanley: We're putting up bills, you see, for the gym...
Millicent Norton: Oh, the idea!
Stanley: Excuse me, maybe I can help you.
[Stan takes Mrs. Norton's handekerchief and tries to clean her clothes]
Millicent Norton: [frustratedly] Oh thank you! Good day!

Stanley: 111 Main Street.
Oliver: [pretending the building is on fire for emergency training] Hey,you can't go in there! That place is a blazing inferno of flames and smoke, where one false step might mean sudden death, it says here.
Stanley: Well, what'll we do if it's burn-...
Oliver: We'll crawl in.
Stanley: How are we gonna crawl in - - ?
Oliver: Get down on your knees and quit arguing!
[Stanley crawls into the building and briefly stands up]
Oliver: Get down.
[Stan and Ollie crawl in together]
Stanley: [they stand up] How do you do, Mr Norton?
Oliver: Careful, Mr. Norton, this place is on fire.
Stanley: Yeah, we've come to rescue you.
J.P. Norton: That's just what I was afraid of. All right, let's get started, boys.
Oliver: Yes sir.
[reads instruction card]
Oliver: "Fractured right arm, fractured right leg, possible jaw fracture, burns on the face." Mm-mm-mm. Uh, you'd better lie down, Mr. Norton.
Stanley: Yeah, and we'll fix you up right away.
J.P. Norton: Gentlemen, I want to cooperate, but uh, are you sure this is the place you were sent to?
Oliver: Oh, why certainly, I've got our orders right on a piece of paper.
Stanley: Show 'em to him, Ollie.
Oliver: Just a second, sir.
Stanley: We wouldn't come here without orders, you know. We've certainly-...
Oliver: I've lost it.
Stanley: You'd better call headquarters to be sure.
Oliver: Pardon us again, Mr. Norton; come, Stanley.
Stanley: We'll be right back.
[pushes a block-and-tackle hook away which knocks Mr. Norton unconscious]
Stanley: Look, he changed his mind.
Oliver: I thought he would.
[walks over to Mr. Norton]
Oliver: Thanks for cooperating, Mr. Norton.
Stanley: That's the spirit.
Oliver: Get me that plank.
[Stan brings a wooden truck bed rail over and accidentally hits Ollie from behind]
Oliver: Oof! Why don't you watch what you're doing? Put that plank down. There, now slide him over, easy now; easy, easy, that's it.
[Stan rolls Mr. Norton onto the boards]
Oliver: Now let's see: fractured back, raise that plank.
[Ollie gets out some gauze strip bandages and wraps them onto Mr. Norton]

Oliver: [Stanley makes a whistling sound while sleeping with his gas mask on; Ollie wakes up] Take that thing off.
[Stan takes off his gas mask]
Oliver: And get that whistle out of your mouth!
Oliver: Now go to sleep.
[telephone rings, Stan mistakes it for an alarm clock]
Oliver: [Stan puts on his air raid warden's helmet] Take that off! Will you go to sleep, please?
Oliver: [telephone rings again] See who that is.
[Stan gets out of bed and steps on a bicycle horn as he goes to the front door]
Oliver: [telephone rings, Stan closes the front door and steps on the bike horn again]
[Stan sighs as he gets back into bed]
Oliver: Well, who was it?
Stanley: It's the telephone.
Oliver: Oh.
[phone rings]
Oliver: Telephone?
[Ollie gets up, answers the phone]
Oliver: Laurel and Hardy, bicycles, burglar alarms, locks and keys.
Capt. Biddle: Biddle calling, blue alert. Proceed to your post, stand by for the red.
Oliver: We're on our way!
Oliver: Blue alert, come on, get dressed! We've got to get right on duty, right away!
[Stan and Ollie start dressing themselves]
Oliver: [Stan blows his whistle] Oh, put that whistle down and get dressed!
Capt. Biddle: Red alert!
[air raid sirens start blowing]
Capt. Biddle: Red alert!
[people all over town start turning their lights off]

Oliver: We're going over to the meeting and get our equipment. Are you coming, Mr. Middling?
Eustace Middling: I'll be over in a little while.
Oliver: Okay.
Stanley: Are we going to get helmets and everything?
Oliver: That's what he said.
Stanley: Gee, and gas masks?
Oliver: That's right.
Stanley: And "whis-tels"?
Oliver: Of course "whit-sells".

[Stan and Ollie go to Mr. Bledsoe's front door]
Oliver: [Stan blows his whistle] Not the whistle, ring the bell!
[Stan pushes the doorbell repeatedly]
Joe Bledsoe: Well, if it isn't the boys from the bicycle shop. And what are you looking for? Trouble, I hope.
Oliver: Oh no no, no trouble. Will you please put your lights out, sir? Thank you.
Stanley: Thank you. He was very nice, wasn't he?
Oliver: Yes, well that's that, then.
[Stan and Ollie see the lights are still on, and go back to the front door, ringing the doorbell again]
Joe Bledsoe: [Mr. Bledsoe points at Ollie, then looks at Stan] If you don't stop ringing that bell, I'm gonna throw him in your face!
Oliver: Nevertheless sir, I must insist that you turn your lights off. And if not, would you mind pulling down your shades?
Joe Bledsoe: Would you like to pull them down for me?
Oliver: Oh, I'd be glad to, it'd be quite a pleasure, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Oliver: [Ollie and Mr. Bledsoe alternately turn the house's circuit breaker switch on and off]
Disturbed Sleeper: [calls Mr. Biddle] The people across the street are signalling to the Japs!
Capt. Biddle: Right away.

[Stan and Ollie walk up to Mr. Bledsoe's house]
Oliver: [Stan blows into his whistle] Not the whistle, ring the bell!
[Stan pushes the doorbell several times]
Joe Bledsoe: [Mr. Bledsoe opens his front door] Well, if it isn't the boys from the bicycle shop. And what are you looking for? Trouble, I hope.
Oliver: Oh no no, no trouble. Will you please put your lights out, sir? Thank you.
Stanley: Thank you. He was very nice, wasn't he?
Oliver: Yes, well that's that, then.
[Stan and Ollie see the lights are still on, and go back to the front door, ringing the doorbell again]
Joe Bledsoe: [Mr. Bledsoe opens the door, pointing to Ollie, then Stan] If you don't stop ringing that bell, I'm gonna throw him in your face!
Oliver: Nevertheless sir, I must insist that you turn your lights off. And if not, would you mind pulling down your shades?
Joe Bledsoe: Would you like to pull them down for me?
Oliver: Oh, I'd be glad to, it'd be quite a pleasure, sir.
[chuckles nervously]
Oliver: [Ollie and Mr. Bledsoe alternately turn the house's circuit breaker switch on and off]
Disturbed Sleeper: [calls Capt. Biddle] The people across the street are signalling to the Japs!
Capt. Biddle: Right away!

Stanley: When we couldn't get in the Army or the Navy, Mr. Madison told us that we could do this kind of work, and it made us happy, we tried hard. I guess we're not smart like other people, but if we can do something for our country by not doing this work, we'll do that too. We'll do anything that Uncle Sam wants us to do, won't we, Ollie?
[Ollie nods]
Dan Madison: Thank you boys, that's...
Dan Madison: Take your equipment to Charlie Beaugart.
Charlie Beaugart: Two helmets, two gas masks, two arm bands, two identification cards, and two whistles.
Charlie Beaugart: That's all, boys.

Stanley: What do we do?
Oliver: We've got to stop those spies, we'll warn Dan.
Stanley: That's a good idea.
Oliver: No no no no no, out the window.
Stanley: [Stan opens the window, accidentally kicking the ladder to the ground] Aah, ooh, aah, ooh!
Oliver: [Ollie pulls Stan back in the window] Now how are we going to get word to Dan?
Stanley: Let's call him up, we'll tell him right away we're going to...
Oliver: Put that down, that's a radio.
Stanley: What's this for?
Oliver: A carrier pigeon, lock that door.
Oliver: Get that pigeon.
[Ollie writes a note while sitting at the desk]
Oliver: Listen
[reads from letter]
Oliver: "Dear Dan, we are trapped on the second floor of the Moonbeam Inn on Highway 51. The place is a nest of Nazi spies; they're going to blow up the magnesium plant at 5:00. Bring help at once, we mean it, urgent. With fondest regards, yours truly, Laurel and Hardy, ex-air raid wardens." How's that?
[folds letter]
Oliver: [puts letter in pigeon's delivery tube] Now, there.
[points to portrait of Hitler on the wall]
Oliver: You've got to get up early in the morning to fool us.
[to Stan]
Oliver: Throw it out the window.
Stanley: Does it know where to go?
Oliver: Now pigeon, you go straight to Huxton,
Stanley: Yeah, and find Mr. Madison, he's the editor of the paper.
[Stan sets the pigeon flying out the window]

Oliver: [the German spies head for their upstairs office, knocking on door] Who's there?
Rittenhause: [in a disguised voice] It's Dan.
Oliver: We're rescued, give me the key.
Stanley: I gave it to you...
Oliver: Oh did you? I don't remember you giving me the key
Oliver: I'm sure that you're - Just a minute, Dan, be right with you.
Oliver: I tell you, you did not give me the -
Oliver: Oh.
Rittenhause: So sorry, gentlemen.
[looks at watch]
Rittenhause: We leave for the plant immediately. Heydrich, you take care of our friends here.
Heydrich: When?
Rittenhause: At your pleasure, of course. Come.
Oliver: Well, good-bye.
Heydrich: Freeze.
[Ollie's knees start knocking, Stan starts whimpering]
Heydrich: Hey, you.
[Ollie points to himself]
Heydrich: No, you.
[motions for a whimpering Stan to approach]
Heydrich: Stop.
[hands Stan an apple]
Heydrich: No! Put that apple on his head.
[Stan points to Ollie's head]
Heydrich: Yeah. Go ahead.
Heydrich: Now come here.
[Stan cautiously approaches]
Heydrich: Turn around.
[puts a gun to Stan's back, then hands it to Stan]
Heydrich: Here, now shoot that apple off his head. Go ahead, no monkey business.
Stanley: [whimpers] He's my pal!
Heydrich: Go ahead!
Stanley: Good-bye, Ollie!
[Ollie waves nervously; Stan successfully shoots the apple away, it lands in the mouth of Hitler's portrait]
Oliver: Ha!
Heydrich: Heil Hitler!
[Stan and Ollie wrestle Heydrich for control of the gun]
Oliver: Urgh!
[a moose's head lands on Heydrich's head, knocking him unconscious]
Oliver: Quick, the gun! Get - You, you! Get the wire. We'll tie him up, just like Mr. Norton.
[ties up Heydrich]
Oliver: Ah, there we are.
[puts a moose's head on Heydrich]
Stanley: Now he does look like Mr. Norton!
Oliver: Yeah, ha ha!

Oliver: [Stan and Ollie enter a roadside diner] Give me two nickels for a dime, quick.
[Stan hands Ollie the nickels]
Oliver: Thank you.
[Ollie calls the Air Raid HQ]
Operator 14: Here it is.
[picks up phone]
Operator 14: Operator 14, what is the incident?
Oliver: Incident? In -
[turns to Stan]
Oliver: She thinks I'm Mr. Norton.
Stanley: Well, be Mr. Norton, tell her about the magnesia plant.
Oliver: [impersonating Mr. Norton] Oh um,
[clears throat]
Oliver: oh yes, incident. Ajax magnesium plant, this afternoon, 5 o'clock, they're going to blow it up with 145 incendiary bombs
Stanley: Mr. -
[interrupts Ollie through out the call]
Oliver: 72 casualties, 156 German parachutes, all water mains broken, pestilence, famine, everything, be there at 5 o'clock, don't forget, good-bye.
[hangs phone up]
Oliver: [to Stan] Now what are you trying to tell me?
Stanley: I was trying to tell you about Mr. Hittelmouse...
Oliver: It's not "Hittelhouse", it's Mittelhaus, and what about him? He's not going to blow up the plant.
Stanley: I know, but they won't catch him, you see, he's with the air raid wardens, they...
Oliver: So what, he's with the air -
[Ollie suddenly realizes Mittelhause's role in the plot]
Oliver: Ohh!
Oliver: Thank you very much, lady!

Block-Heads (1938)
Stan: You remember how dumb I used to be?
Oliver: Yeah?
Stan: Well, I'm better now.

Stan: If you want me to go, I'll stay as long as you like.

Stan: How long did you say it would take us to get up there?
Oliver: Oh, just a jiffy.
Stan: How far is a jiffy?
Oliver: About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail.
Stan: I didn't think it was so far.

Oliver: [Ollie's house key, attached to his pants, is stuck in the lock, so to free Ollie, he had to remove his pants; Stan easily removes the key from the lock] Why didn't you tell me you had the key out of the lock?
Stan: Well, you didn't ask me.
Oliver: "You didn't ask me".
Stan: Gee, that's pretty underwear.
Oliver: Don't get personal.

Stan: Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?
Oliver: Of course not. What's all right with me is okay with her.
Stan: I know, but a lot of dames are particular.
Oliver: Well yes, but... What do you mean calling my wife a dame?

Stan: What's a knick-knack?
Oliver: Oh a knick-knack is a thing that sits on top of a whatnot.

[repeated line]
Stan: There's going to be a fight.

Stan: [to 901 guy] There's going to be a fight.
Stan: [to bypassers] There's going to be a fight.
Stan: [to guy going into apartment] Hey, there's going to be a fight.
Stan: [to desk guy] You better call an ambulance. It's going to be terrible. There's going to be a fight.

Stan: No, you see, everybody thought I was dead. Didn't they?
Oliver: Um, hmm.
Lulu: How did you find out you weren't?

Oliver: Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?
Stan: Well, you didn't ask me... I've always had 'em...
Oliver: [sarcastically] You're better now...

Brats (1930)
Stan Sr.: If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
Ollie Sr.: Make a noise quietly. Hmph!

Ollie Sr.: Boys will be boys.
Stan Sr.: Blood is thicker than water.
Ollie Sr.: Blood's thicker than water. Hmph!

Ollie Sr.: That's it. If you brats don't be quiet you'll have to go to bed.
Stan Sr.: Yes we'll have to go to bed.
Ollie Sr.: Not we, The kids.

Ollie Sr.: If you brats don't get to bed, I'll break your necks!
Stan Sr.: Shh. Don't talk to them like that. Treat them with kindness. You'll get more out of them. Remember the old adage, you can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.

Ollie Jr.: [after being warned for the last time to be quiet] Let's play hide and seek!
Stan Jr.: You're it.
Ollie Jr.: No, you're it!
Stan Jr.: No, you're it!
Ollie Jr.: No, you're it!
Stan Jr.: [crying loudly] I don't want to be it! WAH!
[throws a tantrum]

Ollie Sr.: [singing softly] Go to sleep, my ba-a-a-by, my ba-a-a-by, my ba...
Stan Sr.: [interrupting loudly] MY BA-A-ABY!
[kids wake up with a shocked start]

Ollie Sr.: What's all this racket about?
Ollie Jr.: [in a plaintive whiny "poor me" tone of voice] He hit me!
Stan Jr.: I did not! He hit m-
[taking his hand out of the covers to try to point to Ollie Jr., then realizing with extreme chagrin that he still has the boxing glove on. He hastily slips his hand out of the glove and then half-heartedly points a bare finger at Ollie Jr., knowing that his complaint/accusation won't hold much water now that the fathers have seen the boxing glove and thus will suspect that Stan had been doing some hitting himself]
Stan Jr.: - He...

Stan Sr.: [reaching out to stop Ollie from using his pool cue] My break!
Ollie Sr.: It's MY break!
Stan Sr.: [indignantly] It's MY break!
[points irritably]
Stan Sr.: You went in the pocket there -...
Ollie Sr.: [bonks Stan over the head with his pool cue to shut him up, then leans over the pool table with the cuestick to hit the cueball again. Stan quickly reaches out and picks up the cueball to keep Ollie from hitting it, but Ollie doesn't see Stan's action in time, and thrusts the cuestick forward where the ball had been, skinning off a strip of the pool table's green felt playing surface]

Stan Sr.: Remember the old adage: You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A Chump at Oxford (1940)
Stan: This joint is really screwy! There's a gent over there who just said he wants his salad served undressed!
Ollie: Well, you heard what he said - serve the salad undressed!

Student: Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?
Ollie: This is Oxford isn't it?
Student: Yes but, you're dressed for Eton
Stan: Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast

[last lines]
Stan: Ollie, where ya goin'?
Ollie: Back to America for me!
Stan: Ollie?
Ollie: What?
Stan: [starts to cry] You're going without me...
Ollie: Stan! You know me!
Stan: Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?

Stan: He must have one of those dizzy spells.
Ollie: Yeah, he's a dizzy dean!

Stan: Hey, Ollie look...
[spans the distance from England to America on a globe with his thumb and forefinger - about two inches]
Stan: We're only this far from home.

Ollie: [refering to the Dean] Have you ever seen a face like that anyhwere but in a zoo?
Stan: Sure... in a monkey house.
Ollie: A monkey house!
Ollie: I never thought of that!

Ollie: [in the maze] Where are you?
Stan: I'm over here... where are you?
Ollie: I'm here.
Stan: How can you be here if I'm here?

Meredith: [speaking of Lord Paddington] And when he got angry, he would wiggle his ears in the most extraordinary fashion, and he would fight like a demon.
Ollie: Fight like demon...
[to Stan]
Ollie: Wiggle your ears.
Stan: Huh?
Ollie: [sternly] Wiggle your ears!
Stan: [Stan tries to wiggle his ears] I can't wiggle my ears.
Ollie: Of course not; it's another rib.

Ollie: [to Meredith about Stan] Brilliant mind?
Ollie: Why, I've known him for years, and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw. Aren't you, Stanley?
Stan: I certainly am!

Oliver the Eighth (1934)
Stanley: [reading newspaper] Listen to this... wealthy young widow with large fortune seeks male companionship... object matrimony.
Oliver: It's probably some old crab with a face that would stop a clock!
Stanley: Well, I'd marry her.
Oliver: You would!
Stanley: No, listen... I'd take some of the money, and I'd have her face lifted. Then we could settle down, congenial, and we would have to scrape chins any more... wouldn't have to work hard any more.
Oliver: Tell me that again.
Stanley: Well, I could take some of the money... and I'd have her skinned... and she'd be able to look at a clock without having to work hard any more... and we could settle down and scrape each other's chin... and congenial... if I didn't have to work hard anymore.
Oliver: I know exactly what you mean.

Jitters the butler: [Watching Stan eat an imaginary meal] Eh eh eh! You're using the wrong fork!
Stanley: [Looks and sees that he is, in fact, holding a spoon, which he throws down in disgust] You're nuts!
Jitters the butler: Who said I was nuts?
Stanley: She did!
[points to the widow]

Stanley: Well I couldn't help it, I was dreaming I was awake - then I woke up and found meself asleep!

Stanley: [giving his famous shrill whistle as Jitters walks away after picking up the imaginary cards] HREEE-yer-REET!
[Jitters turns and comes back]
Stanley: You dropped one.
Jitters the butler: [obligingly reaches down to pick up another imaginary card] Oh - - thank you!
Oliver: [in a disgusted mocking tone] 'You DROPPED one' - - HUMPH!

Oliver: [preparing to leave to mail the answers to the wioidnow's personals ad, but then noticing what appear to be some extra initials written near the bottom of Stan's envelope] What does "P.T.O." mean?
Stanley: "Please Turn Over".
Oliver: [turns over the envelope and sees, "S.W.A.K. X" written near the gummed flap] "Sealed With A KISS" - -
[Gives his famous scrunched-eyed grimace of disgust at the silly mushiness of the message]
Oliver: MMFPH!

Oliver: [preparing to leave to mail their answers to the widow's personals ad, but then noticing what appear to be some extra initials written near the bottom of Stan's envelope] What does "P.T.O." mean?
Stanley: "Please Turn Over".
Oliver: [turns over the envelope and sees, "S.W.A.K. X" written near the gummed flap] "Sealed With A KISS" - -
[Gives his famous scrunched-eyed grimace of disgust at the silly mushiness of the message]
Oliver: MMFPH!

The Music Box (1932)
Stan: What do you want?
Policeman: I don't want you. I want that other monkey.
[Stan whistles to Ollie]
Ollie: What?
Stan: He doesn't want me! He wants the other monkey!
[Ollie looks around]
Stan: You!
Ollie: Oh.

Stan: Don't you think you're bounding over your step?

Ollie: What were you doing up there?
Stan: I was trying to plug it in.
Ollie: That's not the place to plug it in! Give it to me!

Stan: [whistles] Hey, Ollie!
Ollie: [walks out of the house and looks up at him] What?
Stan: There's somebody home.
Ollie: Are they up there?
Stan: No, I heard them coming up the stairs.
Ollie: You heard them coming up... Why stupid, that was me!
Stan: That was you?
Ollie: Why certainly.
Stan: Well how'd you get in the house?
Ollie: Well I was standing on the ladder while you were pulling the piano up and the block and tack...
[angrily throws his hat up at Stan]
Ollie: Get back in there! Throw me my hat!
[Stan randomly grabs a hat and tosses it down, unknowingly it is his own]
Ollie: "Heard'em coming up the stairs."

Policeman: Say, what do you mean by molesting that girl?
Ollie: Who, me?
Policeman: Yes, you.
Ollie: Why I was just...
[the policeman kicks him]
Policeman: Now let that be a lesson to ya.
[walks away]
Stan: Are you going to stand for that?
Ollie: Say listen, if he'd have said one more word to me, I would've...
[notices the policeman had returned; laughs nervously]
Policeman: [kicks Ollie again] Now let that be *another* lesson.
[chucks him under the chin with the head of his truncheon]

Stan: Say listen, don't you think you're bounding over your step?
Policeman: What do you mean bounding over my step?
Ollie: Why, he means overstepping your bounds.
[laughs nervously]
Policeman: Oh.
[hits Stan on head with his truncheon]
Policeman: Now let that be a lesson to you!
[pokes him in the stomach]
Stan: Ooh!

The Live Ghost (1934)
Stanley: We heard the sea is infactuated with sharks.
Oliver: Not infactuated. He means infuriated.

[over "dead" body]
Stanley: Do you think he's in heaven?
Oliver: No. Most likely he's gone to the other place. Get some coal. We'll dump him overboard.
Stanley: Do you gotta take your own coal with you when you go to the other place?
Oliver: Certainly not. It's to weight the sack down so it'll sink.

Oliver: [looking at a large cloth bag that they've found in the ship's hold - - they erroneously believe that they've accidentally shot the drunken sailor, and so they plan to put the sailor's body into the bag and throw it overboard before anyone else finds out] That'll do.
Stanley: Poor fella... you think he's gone to Heaven?
Oliver: [in a pompous tone of mild sorrow] I'm afraid not - - I guess probably he went to the OTHER place. Get me a large piece of coal.
Stanley: Why? Do you have to bring your own coal with you when you go to the "other place"?
Oliver: [in an exasperated tone at Laurel's "ignorance"] Why, certainly NOT - - that's to weight the bag down so it'll SINK! Now get the coal... WAIT A MINUTE -
[grabs the lantern away from Laurel as he starts to walk away]
Oliver: give me that lantern! You wanna leave me here in the DARK? Go on and get the coal! You're always thinking of yourSELF!

Captain: Get for'ard.
Stanley: [starts to walk toward the rear door of the hold]
Captain: Heyyy - I said "FOR'ARD"!
Stanley: [turns to Ollie and leans over closer to him so Ollie can check on his forehead, thinking that the Captain is saying that something is wrong with it] What's the matter with it? Can you see anything?
Oliver: [lifts Stan's hat slightly to have a better look] There's nothing wrong with it that I can see.
Captain: [shoving them both forward impatiently] Oh, come ON, here! Come ON!

Oliver: [in a scoffing exasperated tone, after having searched the entire deck of the ship without finding a trace of any ghosts - - the whitewash-covered sailor HAD, in fact, re-boarded the ship and staggered back to the bunk-room and slipped into Laurel and Hardy's bunk which he drunkenly mistook for his own bunk, but he had taken a different route from where Hardy and Laurel were looking, and so neither of them had happened to see him. And Hardy doesn't know that Laurel - - not wanting to be left alone in the bunkroom while there was a ''ghost'' about - - had fearfully followed Hardy out of the bunkroom, so Hardy assumes that the lump in the bunk is Laurel] GHOSTS! You make me sick! You'll make me catch my DEATH OF COLD looking for GHOSTS!
[climbs irritably up into the bunk beside the sailor without uncovering him, and pulls his own blankets up]
Oliver: One of these days you're gonna let your imagination run AMUCK!
Stanley: [still standing outside on the deck, timidly climbs up to peer warily in through the window next to the bunk]
Oliver: [seeing Laurel through the window right next to him, and so thinking absent-mindedly that Laurel is in the bunk beside him] In the first place, there's no such thing as a GHOST! You heard what the Captain said! He - -
[suddenly realizes that something about Laurel's appearance doesn't look quite right, and so he reaches out to feel Laurel's face, but touches the glass window instead. Then, with a puzzled and slightly apprehensive, ''Well, if Laurel's outside, then who is THIS in the bunk beside me?'' expression, Hardy then reaches down and pulls back the cover beside him, revealing the drunken sailor, who sits up casually and salutes affably]
Drunken sailor: HI!
Oliver: [shrieking in terror along with Laurel, then diving out of the bunk and landing in an untidy heap on the floor] AAAAHHHHOOOOWHHH! OH-HOH-HOH-HOH!
[lurches back up on his feet and crashes through the solid bunk-room door like it's made of thin veneer]
Stanley: [sees the ghastly-faced drunken sailor through the window, and so he also screams in his typical high-pitched whimpery way and follows Hardy as he dashes wildly across the deck]
Drunken sailor: [sitting up in drowsy drunken bewilderment] Whutch-s'matter?

Oliver: [proudly shows Stan the second dollar bill that the captain has given him]
Stanley: [takes the bill and inspects it with a pleased smile, then reaches in his pocket and retrieves the other half of the first dollar bill, which he gives to Ollie, so that they each now have one dollar bill]
Oliver: [contemptuously grabs the whole dollar bill back from Stan and shoves him toward the tavern doors again, then gives him a whack on the behind with the frying pan]

Their First Mistake (1932)
Stanley: I'm not as dumb as you look.

Oliver: What are you putting that cotton in your ears for?
Stanley: If I make a noise, I won't be able to hear it.

Ollie: What did you strike that match for?
Stan: I wanted to see if the light switch was off.

Stanley: You woke the baby up.

Stanley: The baby's crying.
Oliver: Of course he's crying. Will you put that floor lamp over here!
Stanley: But it won't reach.
Oliver: Certainly it won't reach. You have to pull the plug out of the socket. Here
[hands him baby's milk bottle]
Stanley: [immediately starts drinking from it]
Oliver: [grabs the cord and literally yanks it so hard that the socket casing comes out of the wall. A wierd noise is heard and a second later the socket casing hits him in the nose!] Ooooh!
Stanley: [startled spits out the milk he was drinking. The door phone starts ringing]
Oliver: [while making his way to the phone] Will you see if you can keep that baby quiet.
[answers the phone]
Oliver: Hello?
[one-second pause]
Oliver: How do you expect us to keep this baby quiet with you ringing the phone!
[slams the reciver down so hard, that the phone nearly comes off the wall]

Stanley: Well, I'll be seeing you.
Oliver: Where are you going?
Stanley: Just going down...
Oliver: Well you can't leave me alone here with this child.
Stanley: Why?
Oliver: Why? Well you're just as much responsible for it as I am.
Stanley: What have I got to do with it?
Oliver: What have you got to do with it? What have YOU got to do with it? Why you were the one who wanted me to have a baby, and now that you've gotten me into this trouble, you want to walk out and leave me flat.
Stanley: But I don't know anything about babies.
Oliver: Well you should have thought of that before we got it.
Stanley: I don't wanna get mixed up in this thing. I've got my future, my career to think of.
Oliver: Your career. What about me? What will my friends say? Why I'll be ostricized.
Stanley: Well I'm going to lose my hook, like and sinker.
Oliver: So, you're going to desert me, just when I need you most.
[Stan heads for the door, Ollie runs and beats him to it]
Oliver: You're not leaving this room.

Men O'War (1929)
Ollie: When I ask you to have a drink, you refuse.
[Stan nods in acknowledgement, but begins to look confused the more he thinks about it]
Ollie: Everything is just going to be fine.
[Points to each girl]
Ollie: Soda, soda,
[points to self]
Ollie: Soda, and what will you have Stan?
Stan: Soda.

Ollie: Can't you GRASP the situation? You must refuse!
Stan: But you keep asking me.
Ollie: I'm only putting it on for the goils.
Stan: OH!
Ollie: [stretching the words] And we've only got FIF-TEEN CENTS.
[Stan nods in acknowledgement, finally getting it]
Ollie: That's right, now come on. Now, let's see...
[points to each girl]
Ollie: Soda, soda,
[points to self]
Ollie: Soda, and my dear Stan, what will you have?
Stan: I don't want any.
Girl: Oh, General, don't be a piker.
Stan: Okay, I'll have a banana split.

Sodajerk: What flavor?
Ollie: [innocently] Sassafras.
Stan: I don't like frassasass.
Ollie: [exasperated] Three sodas. One with frassa... Sassafrass!
[shoves Stan]

Ollie: And why did you do it?
Stan: I had to. My half was on the bottom. I had to drink it all to get it.

Ollie: Go ahead and drink your half.
[Stanley drinks the entire soda]
Ollie: [Ollie picks up the glass and finds it empty. He gives Stan a shameful look, making him hang his head] Do you know what you've done?
Ollie: What made you do it?
Stan: I couldn't help it.
Ollie: Why?
Stan: My half was on the bottom.

The Dancing Masters (1943)
Trudy Harlan: You boys believe that Grant has a great future as an inventor, don't you?
Oliver Hardy: Well, I believe that Grant'll be an inventor of the first rank.
Stan Laurel: What's rank?
Oliver Hardy: You are! SHUT UP!

Stan Laurel: The harder they fall, the bigger I am!

Stan Laurel: [taking a book out of the bookcase] "Boswell's Life of Johnson." Gee, I bet that's interesting.
Oliver Hardy: Yeah, I remember that Jess Willard knocked him out. It sure was a hot day!
Stan Laurel: Gee, I'll have to read that.

Stan Laurel: I don't mind starvin' again.
Oliver Hardy: It's all right with me.
Stan Laurel: You know you can't keep an egg in two baskets. That's silly... unless you want to scramble them. I wouldn't be that stupid, you know. I knew a fella once that he had some money in the bank, and he wouldn't draw it out. And, you know what? He lost his job, and still he wouldn't draw it out. Then he starved to death - that killed him. And then he died, and after he was dead. A friend of his got all his money, and he drewed it out of the bank. and I could live happily ever after. Yes, sir!

Oliver Hardy: [with disgust] You make me sick!
Stan Laurel: Well, we've all got to live and learn, you know.
Oliver Hardy: Yeah, but you just live!

The Flying Deuces (1939)
[Stan and Ollie have just heard that they will be executed the next day]
Oliver: Shot at sunrise!
Stanley: I hope it's cloudy tomorrow!

Stanley: [watching a pair of airplanes doing acrobatics] I wonder what keeps them up?
Oliver: I don't know. But I do know what keeps me DOWN!
[firmly and deliberately taps his shoe on the pavement in front of him to indicate how safe and solid it is and how he never intends to let his feet leave the ground]
Stanley: Yes, sir - good old Terracotta Firma for me!

Oliver: Hey Stan... oh, Stan... over here...
Stanley: [Stan does a take - sees a horse in a pasture with Oliver's hat and mustache] Ollie... is it really you?
Oliver: [as horse] Of course it's me. Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.
Stanley: Gee I'm glad to see you!
[scene fades, end of film]

Oliver: Stanley, a miracle has happened. I've completely forgotten.
Stanley: You mean you've forgotten Georgette?
Oliver: Who's Georgette?
Stanley: That's swell, now we can go home.

Oliver: Just how much do we get paid for all this?
Commandant: One hundred centimes a day.
Stanley: That's not bad...
Oliver: How much is that in American money?
Commandant: American money? About ten cents a day.
Oliver: If you think you're going to get that kind of work outta *me* for ten cents a day, brother, you're *crazy*.
Commandant: Is that right?
Stanley: That's right because we don't work for less than twenty-five cents a day! Do we, Ollie?

The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930)
Oliver: Where were you born?
Stanley: I don't know.
Oliver: Fancy not knowing where you were born!
Stanley: Well, I was too young to remember.

Oliver: Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?
Stanley: Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?
Oliver: Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?
Stanley: No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.
Oliver: Was he building a house?
Stanley: No, they were hanging him.

Stanley: Three million dollars! Is that as much as a thousand?
Oliver: Why, man alive! It's TWICE as much!
Stanley: Gee whiz!

Stanley: Septober... Octember... No wonder.

Stanley: Ollie?
Oliver: What's the matter?
Stanley: I'm scared.
Oliver: Well, that's nothing to be afraid of!

Them Thar Hills (1934)
The Doctor: Remember, you can't burn the candle at both ends.
Stanley Laurel: We don't burn candles, we've got an electric light.

Stanley Laurel: Your bath's ready.
Ollie Hardy: You know I can't take a bath with this foot. And besides, it isn't Saturday.

[They have arrived at a clearing up in the mountains]
Ollie Hardy: Isn't this ideal?
Stanley Laurel: It sure is. One month up here and we wouldn't know each other. We've got a well and water and lots of it and everything.
Ollie Hardy: Go in and ask the folks if they mind if we park here.
[Stan goes up to the door, knocks on it, it opens and the building is empty]
Ollie Hardy: Anyone home?
Stanley Laurel: Not now but there was a minute ago.
Ollie Hardy: Who was it?
Stanley Laurel: It was me. You see I was knocking on the door and...
Ollie Hardy: Nevermind the details. C'mon let's get some food, I'm famished. "I was knocking on the door." Hmph!

Stanley Laurel: Why don't we get one of those trailers to hook on the back of your car. That's much better than sleeping in a tent. Wouldn't have to worry about flies.
Ollie Hardy: Can you take one of those things up into the mountains?
Stanley Laurel: Sure, right up in the high multitude. What do you think?
Ollie Hardy: We can't afford to buy one of those trailers.
Stanley Laurel: We don't have to buy one, we could rent one. I know a fellow who's got one for rent and I'll bet we can get it for next to nothing. I'll bet if we pay cash we can get it less than that. What do you think?
The Doctor: That's the worst case of gout I ever saw.
Ollie Hardy: What causes it?
The Doctor: Too much high living.
Stanley Laurel: In that case we'd better move down to the basement.

Mrs. Hall: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse's neck.
Ollie Hardy: Get up, Stanley, let the lady sit down, and fix us something to eat. Where are you going?
Stanley Laurel: I'm going to look for a horse.
Ollie Hardy: Sit down!

One Good Turn (1931)
Oliver: Why you, you...
Stanley: Don't you call me a you-you!

Oliver: Now I see it all.
Stanley: What?
Oliver: "What". Don't try to alibi. You know you stole this money from that old lady. Why guilt is written all over you.
Stanley: What do you mean?
Oliver: I mean that you're going to give this money back and make a full confession!
Stanley: A confession of what?
Oliver: And to think after all these years I've been fostering a common theif. A viper in my bosom!
Stanley: Whose bosom? What are you talking about?
Oliver: Don't try to bluff me! To think you would bite the hand that was feeding you. You snake in the grass. You traitor! You sheep in wool clothing. You double-crosser. You judist! You... You...!
Stanley: Stop! Don't call me a "You-you".

Oliver: We haven't tasted food for three whole days.
Old lady: Three whole days!
Stanley: Yes ma'am. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Oliver: One good turn deserves another.
Stanley: So do I neither.
Oliver: What do you mean, "so do I neither"?

Stanley: I don't know anything about cutting wood.
Oliver: Well, you ought to. You once told me your father was in the lumber business.
Stanley: I know he was, but it was only in a small way.
Oliver: What do you mean small way?
Stanley: He used to sell toothpicks.
Oliver: Well, go ahead and make some toothpicks. Be a chip off of the old block.

Tit for Tat (1935)
Oliver: My reputation: It has been ruthlessly dragged through the mud and mire. Never let it be said that a Hardy's spotless reputation to be so maliciously tread upon.
Stanley: You're right, Ollie; he who filters your good name steals trash.

Oliver: You wanna get us arrested before the customers arrive?
Stanley: What time will they be here?
Oliver: Well they'll be here about..."what time will they be here?" Why, customers come at any time!

[Oliver is on the windowsill on the second story of a store]
Stanley: What are you doing up there?
Oliver: I'm waiting for a streetcar.
Stanley: Where are you going?

Oliver: Tit for tat.
Stanley: What?
Oliver: Tit for tat.
[Stan tips his hat]
Oliver: What's that for?
Stanley: I thought you said, "Tip me hat".

Policeman: [breaks up a fight between Stan, Ollie and Charlie] Just a minute. Don't you think this thing has gone far enough? Who started this anyway?
Oliver: [he and Stan point to Charlie] He did.
Grocer: I did not.
Oliver: Why he did too. Why this little upstart, in the presence of my friend, slandered my character, for which I demanded an apology. He refused to give it, hence this petty little argument.
Policeman: Slandered your character?
Stanley: Yes, sir. He filtered his good name, didn't he?
Policeman: Filtered his good name?
Oliver: Why you know what he did? He accused me of a clandestine meeting with his wife.
[Mae gasps]
Oliver: For which I was wholly, and absolutely, innocent.
Grocer: Then what were you doing coming downstairs with my wife?
Grocer's Wife: Oh, what nonsense. There was nothing to it.
Stanley: Nothing to it, Officer. He was waiting for a street car...
Policeman: [to Charlie] Well it looks like you're to blame. You better apologize to this gentleman.
Grocer: I will not.
Policeman: Oh yes you will, or I'll run you in.
Grocer: Well, alright. But don't let it happen again.
Oliver: [They shake hands] No hard feelings.

Another Fine Mess (1930)
Stan: [as Agnes the Maid] Bedrooms, let's see, there's mine and the master's and the master's and mine. That's four.
Lady Plumtree: No no, there's the master's then yours. That's two.
Stan: Oh, yeah. Then there's the nursery.
Lady Plumtree: A nursery? I didn't know the colonel was married.
Stan: Oh, he has that in case of accidents.

Ollie: Agnes, call me a cab.
Stan: Huh?
Ollie: Call me a cab.
Stan: You're a cab.

Lady Plumtree: Agnes, how long have you been here?
Stan: [in drag as the maid] About half an hour.
[realizing what she has said]
Stan: Oh, heh!
Stan: How silly of me! I'm so nervous. Heh, I mean half a year - to be exact, three months!

Lord Leopold Plumtree: By the way, Colonel, do you have any horses?
Ollie: [posing as Colonel Buckshot] I'm sorry... I shipped all of my horses to my plantation in Kentucky.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: Kentucky? What part of Kentucky do you come from, Colonel?
Ollie: [fondly and grandly] Omaha... dear old Omaha!
Stan: I thought Omaha was in Wisconsin.

Stan: [posing as the butler] You wish to see Colonel Buckshot?
Lord Leopold Plumtree: Why, I'd LOVE to! Hauw-haw-haw-huh-huh-huh-huh!
Stan: [turning away and calling toward the stairway] Colonel Buckshot!
[a few seconds pass with no answer]
Stan: Oh, Ollie - - uh - - Colonel Buckshot!
[No answer]
Stan: [speaking to Lord Plumtree and his wife] Wait there.
[He walks several yards to the foot of the stairs, then cups his hand to his mouth and hollers up the stairs]
Stan: Colonel BUCKshot...
[using his classic shrill whistle]
Ollie: [posing as Colonel Buckshot] What is it, Hives?
Stan: [wincing at the derogatory name Hardy has chosen for him] Lord Appletree - - he wants to rent a room.
Lord Leopold Plumtree: No, no, my dear fellow - - 'PLUMtree'. 'PLUMtree'. Lord Leopold 'Plumtree' - - my card. And I wish to rent the entire HOUSE.
[inspects the new card that Lord Plumtree has given him, then absently tosses the first card away]

Dirty Work (1933)
Stan: [watching the ecstatic Prof hurrying giddily away to find Jessup to try his rejuvenation experiment on] What do you think about it?
Oliver: The whole thing looks screwy to me!
Stan: [seeing a nearby fishbowl with a small fish swimming around in it] How about us trying it on that fish?
Oliver: That's a good idea... we'll find out for ourselves!
[catches the fish in his hands, then tosses it into the rejuvenation tank]
Stan: [watching Ollie climb up to the top of the rejuvenation tank with the large pitcher of dark-colored rejuvenation liquid] Be careful how much you put in - - you might make it TOO young!
Oliver: Hand me the eyedropper.
[Fills the eyedropper from the pitcher of liquid, then leans over the tank to drip the liquid into the tank, but loses his balance and topples head-first into the tank along with the entire full pitcher of rejuvenation liquid]
Oliver: Eee-yoof!
[lands with a loud splash]
Oliver: [thrashing wildly about inside the tank as the liquid in it is furiously churned and bubbled by the extreme chemical reaction from having far too much rejuvenation liquid added to the brew] Ohhhhh... hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh! Uhhhhhhhh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huhhhhhhhh-yyyaaaaaahhhhhghkk!
Stan: [seeing Ollie re-appear above the top of the rejuvenation tank in the form of an ape - Ollie has grown so "young" as a result of the rejuvenation liquid overdose that he has actually "de-evolved" back into a primate] Ollie... don't you know me? Won't you speak to me?
Oliver: I have nothing to say!
Stan: [in his famous cry-baby fashion] Oh-ohhhh!

Jessup: [in a cold voice of barely restrained fury at having the whole chimney-full of ashes dumped all over him] SOMEwhere - an ELECTRIC CHAIR is WAITING!
Stan: [in his typical naïve, innocent tone] What did he mean by that?
Oliver: [with disgusted pomposity] I still have nothing tooo SAY!

Stan: [indicating a framed painting of a lake scene] That's a pretty picture, isn't it?
Oliver: [with restrained disgust, but trying to be good-natured] Uh-HUH!
Stan: I wonder where it is?
Oliver: I think it's Rio Hondo.
[distracted by looking at the picture, he absent-mindedly loosens his grip on the tarp he's holding, allowing it to slip out of his hands and down onto the floor]
Stan: [not noticing that the tarp is not in front of Ollie's chest anymore, and so he dumps a load of ashes into the collar of Ollie's overalls, thinking it is the upper edge of the tarp] I wonder if there are any fish in there.
Oliver: [gives his famous "raised eyebrows and tight lips" expression of total exasperation, then clonks Stan over the head with the ashes shovel]

Oliver: Can't you do ANYthing right?
Stan: [in a slightly mocking manner] I have nothing to say!
Oliver: [clonks Stan over the head with the ashes shovel again]

Professor Noodle: [unaware that Jessup is in another part of the house, taking a huge soapy bath to wash off the ashes] Jessup! Jessup!
[coming across Stan and Ollie who are busy sweeping up after cleaning the chimney]
Professor Noodle: Where is Jessup?
Oliver: Jessup? Oh, about 35 miles southwest of Augusta, Georgia.
Professor Noodle: No, no, no - - I mean my butler!
Stan: [innocently] Oh, he went somewhere to look for an electric chair.
Oliver: Is there something we could help you with?
Professor Noodle: Yes! A capital idea! You shall be the first to witness a successful rejuvenation experiment in the entire history of science! And it's mine - - ALL MINE!
[laughs hysterically in a paroxysm of delight]
Professor Noodle: Come here! Come here!
[leads the way to his lab, where the duckling is floating in the rejuvenation tank]
Professor Noodle: Watch! I'm going to rejuvenate this duckling!
[uses the eyedropper to add a couple drops of the dark liquid from the large glass beaker to the water in the tank, causing the water to bubble and churn vigorously. A few seconds later the water quiets down again, and an egg is left floating on the water where the duckling had been]
Professor Noodle: Ha-haaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! SUCCESS! I did it! I did it! And now - - for a HUMAN demonstration!
Oliver: [fearing that the professor means that he wants to use him or Stan for his demonstration] Well - - we'll be seeing you!
Professor Noodle: Don't go - - wait here while I find my butler - - and use HIM for my experiment.
[shouting out the door]
Professor Noodle: Jessup!
[proceeding down the hall]
Professor Noodle: Jessup! Jessup! Jessup? Where are you, Jessup? Jessup!
Stan: What do you think about it?
Oliver: The whole thing looks screwy to me!
Stan: Me, too.
[looks around the lab, and spies a small aquarium with a large goldfish swimming around in it]
Stan: How about us trying it on that fish?
Oliver: That's a good idea! We'll find out for ourselves!
[catches the fish in his hands, then tips it into the rejuvenation tank. Next he picks up the huge glass beaker of dark liquid, and leans the side of the tank to pour some in]
Stan: Be careful how much you put in - - you might make it TOO young!
Oliver: Get me the eyedropper.
[takes the eyedropper from Stan, then leans over the side of the tank again. But - - naturally! - - he loses his balance and tumbles head-first with a loud yelp into the tank, still clutching the huge beaker of dark liquid. So of course, the WHOLE BEAKERFULL of rejuvenation liquid - - over two quarts, by the look of it - - gets added to the tank, instead of just a few drops. The water inside the tank froths and boils and churns furiously, and Ollie thrashes about wildly inside, giving his famous cries and exclamations of horrified distress]
Oliver: Hooooooooooooh- hoh- hoh- hoh- hoh- hoh! Aaaaaaaaaaaa-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Ohhhhhhhhhh-oh-oh-oh-oh-aaaaaAAAAAHHCKK!
Stan: [staring at the chimpanzee that has appeared over the edge of the tank and is gazing silently back at him] Ollie - don't you know me? Won't you speak to me?
Oliver: [in a voice-over, as if the chimpanzee is speaking] I have nothing to say.
Stan: [in his typical helpless panicked wail] Oh-ohhh!

Blotto (1930)
Stan: [amidst laughing hysterically, sees his wife at another table] We drank your liquor!
Mrs. Laurel: That wasn't liqour; it was cold tea!

Stan: Good-bye.
Mrs. Laurel: [Calling after Stan as he leaves the house] Good-bye, Stanley.
[Looking into bushes where Ollie is hiding]
Mrs. Laurel: Good-bye, Mr. Hardy.
[Mrs. Laurel closes the front door]
Ollie: Is she wise?
Stan: No. She doesn't suspect a thing.

Mrs. Laurel: [Opening lines] Will you stop! You've been pacing up and down here for the last hour. What's on your mind?
Stan: Can I go out?

Stan: [Talking on the phone] Shhhh!
Ollie: What's the matter? Is your wife there?

Ollie: Oh, say, do you know where we can get a bottle?
Stan: Yeah, my wife's got one. She's been savin' it since prohibition.
Ollie: Won't she miss it?
Stan: No, I'll blame it on the iceman.

The Bohemian Girl (1936)
Stanley: [was singing in high, feminine voice] Hello, Ollie.
Oliver: Why, you know that you've got a nice voice.
Stanley: Oh, I had a much nicer voice when I ran a nail through it. I rememb...
Oliver: [sarcastically] You ran a nail through it. Let me hear you sing that again.

Stanley: Well, blow me down with an anchovy.

Stanley: Did you see him chuck her under the chin?
Oliver: Well, what of it?
Stanley: If she was MY wife, I'd chuck her under the wagon.

Stanley: I can gyp that gypsy any time.

The All New Adventures of Laurel & Hardy in 'For Love or Mummy' (1999)
Hardy: We've got to split up.
Laurel: Don't you want to try counseling.
Hardy: It's far too expensive. Not that kind of split up!

Hardy: Dream boat... that's what she'll say when she sees me...
Laurel: When I see you, I think tug boat

Hardy: Well Stanley, when you're the biggest dog on the porch, no one will care how loud you bark!
Laurel: Your bark is worse than your over-bite...

Laurel: Say, when you were in Egypt, did you happen to see the Eifel Tower?
Hardy: Stanley, The Eiffel Tower is not in Egypt... it's in Indiana!

Helpmates (1932)
Ollie: Get this house cleaned up! Do you know that my wife will be home at noon!
Stan: Say, what do you think I am? Cinderella? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you.
Ollie: Well it's a good thing you haven't any sense!
Stan: It certainly is!

Ollie: Why weren't you at the party last night?
Stan: I couldn't make it. I was bitten by a dog.
Ollie: I can't understand you. Spell it.
Stan: A dog bit me. B-I-it me. Bit me.
Ollie: Where?
Stan: [Rolls up sleeve and puts the telephone to the injured area] They had to take me to the hospital last night and they said I might have hydrophosphates.

Ollie: Listen, I'm in a slight predicament. My wife's coming home at noon today unexpectedly. And just look at this house.
Stan: [sees the mess] What's the matter with it?
Ollie: What's the matter with it? You never met my wife, have you?
Stan: Yes, I never did.
Ollie: What do you mean "Yes I never did"?
[shows him wedding photo]
Ollie: That's my wife.
Stan: Isn't she sweet.
Ollie: Charming.
Stan: Where is your wife?
Ollie: She's in Chicago with her mother.
Stan: Is she having a nice time?
Ollie: Sure she's having a nice time, she's been gone for more than a week, I- I don't care whether she's having a nice time or not! What I mean is that if she comes home and sees the house like this, she'll know that I've been throwing a wild party!

Stan: Who do ya' think I am, Cinderalla?

The Midnight Patrol (1933)
Car Dispatcher: Calling Car Thirteen
Oliver: That's Us
Car Dispatcher: Calling Car One-Three
Stanley: I thought he said Thirteen.

Stanley: If you come back here again, I'll arrest you.
Tire thief: Who will?
Stanley: I... We will.
Tire thief's partner: Oh, is that so?

Stanley: If you come back here again, I'll arrest you!
Tire thief: [sarcastically] WHO will?
Stanley: I - -
[notices that he is one small slight-figured guy against two fairly big hefty guys]
Stanley: WE will!
[nods emphatically]
Tire thief's partner: [cocks his leg arrogantly and puts his hand on his hip in a gesture of beligerant contempt] Oh - - is that SO?
Stanley: Yeah.
[grabs up a large rock that is sitting nearby, then flings it at the two vagabonds. They duck, and the rock sails past them and smashes the windscreen of their car, causing the convertable top to pop up. One of the ruffians immediately reaches into the car's seat and grabs the rock from where it has landed, and Stan, seeing this, hurries back into the squad car and shuts the door. The ruffian hurls the rock back toward the squad car, and the rock smashes through the rear window, startling Ollie just as he is about to take a sip from a milk bottle. Ollie's hand tightens convulsively around the bottle, causing the milk inside to come squirtng out the top of the bottle and spraying all over his face and head]

Stanley: [sympathetically watching the burglar pound on the sides of the safe with a hammer - - Stan never suspects that the man is really a burglar and not just the store's owner] What's the matter? Did you lose the combination?
Safecracker: [feigning exasperated embarrassment and disgust] Yehhhss!
Stanley: They're really hard to open, aren't they?
Safecracker: Very!
Stanley: Why don't you try hitting it over here?
Safecracker: I've alrready tried it there.

The Bullfighters (1945)
Stanley Laurel: [alarmed, after noticing that McCoy has signed into the hotel guest book with an "X."] He's forging my name!
Oliver: Shhhh!

Oliver: That bull wouldn't hirt a fly!
Stanley Laurel: Yeah, but I'm not a fly!

Stanley Laurel: I don't want to fight any bulls, I don't like bulls,
Stanley Laurel: I'm allergic to bulls!

Stanley Laurel: Maybe you'd better go up to him and apologize. That's a terrible thing to do to a fella.
Oliver: I'd better go up to him and apologize? You're the one who so falsely accused him! Why if you had any spark of manhood left in you right now, you'd go right up to him and apologize.
Stanley Laurel: Well okay, I'll go to...
Hot Shot Coleman: Excuse me, if you'll take my advice, you'll never cross his path again. Because he told me if he ever saw you again he was going to skin you alive. "First the little one, then the big one," he said. "I'LL SKIN THEM BOTH ALIVE!"

Beau Hunks (1931)
Ollie: Didn't I just tell you I was going to be married?
Stan: Who to?
Ollie: Why, a woman of course. Did you ever hear of anybody marrying a man?
Stan: Sure.
Ollie: Who?
Stan: My sister.

[There's a knock at the door. Stan picks up the phone]
Ollie: What are you doing?
Stan: There's somebody knocking on the phone.
Ollie: See? That's levity.
Stan: Hello, Mr. Levity?
Ollie: Answer the door! "Mr. Levity". Mmph!

Commandant: You there, what is your number?
Stan: Hollywood-4368.

Ollie: Come, Stanley.
Stan: Where we going?
Ollie: We're going where we can forget!
Stan: What do you mean WE'VE got to forget?
Ollie: None of your business, let's go!

Swiss Miss (1938)
Cheese Factory Propietor: Now I've an idea.
Stan, Oliver: You've an idea?
Cheese Factory Propietor: I'll buy the whole business for five thousand cool.
Oliver: Why for you're being so generous, we'll throw in our mule.
Stan: You can't do that, Ollie, don't be such a fool.
Oliver: It's my idea!
Cheese Factory Propietor: It's a splendid idea.
Oliver: It's just an idea of my own.
Cheese Factory Propietor, Stan, Oliver: It's just an idea. A splendid idea. It's just an idea of my own.
[Stan harmonizes in a baritone voice]

Stan: I see a monkey.
Oliver: That doesn't surprise me a bit

Stan: I see a monkey.
Oliver: A what?
Stan: A monkey.
Oliver: Well it doesn't surprise me a bit.If you don't quit drinking that brandy,you'll be seeing pink elephants.

Oliver: I thought you told me I had her in the palm of my hand.
Stan: Well you did, but you didn't play your cards right.

The Big Noise (1944)
[Stan and Ollie have been invited to dinner]
Oliver: I'm famished.
Alva P. Hartley: We'll start with the turkey.
[he uncovers a tray holding a number of pills]
Alva P. Hartley: Will you have light meat or dark?
[Alva plunks some pills on the boys' plates]
Stanley: Could I have another joint?

Stan: You know what?
Oliver: What?
Stan: I've got a clue. I think Mr. Hartley is just a bit cracked. Well, I ought to know.
Oliver: All inventors are like that - they're eccentric. They're not like you and me.

Oliver: What a beautiful picture.
Alva P. Hartley: Yes, that cost a lot of money. It's a Vandyke.
Stanley: A what?
Alva P. Hartley: A Vandyke. You know what a Vandyke is.
Stanley: Oh, yeah. My uncle had one, but he had to have it shaved off.
Oliver: Shh!
Stanley: What?
Oliver: Vandyke was a painter, not a beard.

Towed in a Hole (1932)
Stanley: You know, Ollie, I been thinkin'!
Oliver: What about?
Stanley: Well, if we caught our own fish, then we wouldn't have to pay for it and whoever we sold it to, it would be clear profit.
Oliver: Tell me that again!
Stanley: Well, if we caught our own fish, then the people we sold it to wouldn't have to pay for it, the profit would go to the fish...
Oliver: That's a pretty smart thought!

Stanley: [Seeing Ollie covered with paint] What did you put that stuff on your face for?

Oliver: Fre-esh fi-i-i-ish!
Stanley: [blows horn]

Our Wife (1931)
Ollie: Goodbye, Ducky Lover.
Dulcy: Goodbye, Dimple Dumpling.
Ollie: Goodbye.
Stan: [on the phone in the other room, having listened in] GOODBYE!

Mrs. Gladding: What do you want?
Stan: What do we want?
Ollie: We wanna get married.
Stan: Oh yeah, we wanna get married.
Ollie: Not we, us!
Stan: Not we. Us.
Mrs. Gladding: Well, how about it?
Stan: How about it?
Ollie: How about what?
Stan: How about what?
Mrs. Gladding: What are you talking about?
Stan: What are you talking about?
Ollie: Tell her we want to get married!
Stan: We want to get married.
Mrs. Gladding: Hey! There's a couple out here that wants to get married, Pa!
William Gladding, Justice of the Peace: Okay, I'll be right up!
Mrs. Gladding: He'll be right up.
Stan: Who?
Mrs. Gladding: The...
[punches Stan]
Mrs. Gladding: Who!
Ollie: Well how about it?
Stan: How about what?
Ollie: What did she say?
Stan: Who?

Ollie: Don't you understand? We're going to elope. Nobody must know about it. It's strictly on the qui vive.
Stan: [confused] Qui vive?
Ollie: Certainly. Null... and void. Do you understand?

Perfect Day (1929)
[Oliver is trying to start the car]
Stan: Step on it, Ollie.
Oliver: I'll step on you in a minute. And don't call me 'Ollie'!

Mrs. Laurel: [breaking up a fight between Stan and Ollie] Boys, boys, now remember, this is the Sabbath. A day of peace.
Mrs. Hardy: Now, now, now, don't let this spoil our day. Accidents will happen. Forgive and forget.
Oliver: [They think about it, then look at each other and start giggling] No more arguments from now on.
Stan: No more arguments.
Oliver: That's right.
Stan: Isn't that silly?

Stan: We're going now.
Mrs. Hardy: I hope so.

Nothing But Trouble (1944)
Mrs. Elvira Hawkley: I thought a little spot of this might refresh you before taking up your new duties. It's Chateauneuf 1924.
Stan: Gee, that's pretty old. Haven't you got anything new?

Oliver: Well, there's nothing to it. All you have to do is look the lion straight in the eyes. Lions are afraid of that. I read that in a book.
Stan: But did the lion read the book?

Oliver: Come Stanley, let no one say that we were afraid to die.
Stan: I don't care who says it.

Habeas Corpus (1928)
Stan: Can you spare a piece of buttered toast?

Stan: Don't you think the Professor is a trifle cuckoo?
Ollie: He is as sound mentally as you or I.

Stan: [after encountering a man in the cemetery wearing a white sheet] They buried somebody too soon!

Pack Up Your Troubles (1932)
Oliver: Well, looks like we're in it. Gee, I wish I could go.
Stan: Go where?
Oliver: Why to war!
Stan: Why can't ya go?
Oliver: There you are, I knew you'd take that selfish attitude. I'd go in a minute if it wasn't for my flat feet!

Oliver: Why didn't you tell me it was you?
Stan: It was so dark, I didn't think you would hear me.

Oliver: Where have you been all day?
Stan: I went all the way to Poughkipsee...
Oliver: Poughkipsee?
Stan: ...yeah, and that ain't them.
[shows Ollie a box of Smith Brothers cough drops]

Hollywood Party (1934)
Durante's Butler: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?
Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron- Baron Munchausen.
Durante's Butler: What's your business?
Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: He bought some lions from us and, uh, paid us with a check.
Stan: Yes sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.
[Stan takes the check from his coat pocket while Ollie searches his coat]
Durante's Butler: [Ollie takes the check from Stan, and unfolds it] 50,000 tiddly-winks?
Stan: Yes, sir. The Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar and a half in his country.
Ollie: That is, you understand, at the present rate of exchange.
[Ollie chuckles, twiddles his tie]
Durante's Butler: You guys are screwy.
[Ollie folds the check, puts it back in his pocket, and proceeds to ring the doorbell again]
Durante's Butler: Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat.
Durante's Butler: [Ollie glanes at Stan, chuckles mischievously and rings the doorbell once more; the butler pulls a chime from the wall and heads to the door] Who rang the bell?
Ollie: I did.
[the butler hits Ollie on the head with a chime]
Ollie: Ooh! Ohh.
[Ollie grunts in pain, Stan puts his finger on Ollie's head]
Ollie: Ooh!
Stan: Are you going to stand for that?
Ollie: I should say not. He can't bluff me.
[Butler puts his ear to the door to overhear Stan and Ollie's conversation]
Ollie: I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay here all night. We'll give him his check and take back our lions
Stan: That's a good idea. We can get along without his old "piddly-winks".
Ollie: Why, certainly.
Stan: We don't want his...
Ollie: Not "piddly-winks", tiddly-winks.
[Ollie turns to the camera and does a double take]
Ollie: "Piddly-winks"! Urgh!

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?
Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron, Baron Munchausen.
Doorman: What's your business?
Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: he bought some lions from us and uh, paid us with a check.
Stan: Yes sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.
[Ollie starts checking his pockets]
Doorman: [Stan takes the check from his coat, Ollie takes it out of Stan's hands and gives it to the doorman] 50,000 tiddly-winks?
Stan: Yes sir, the Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar-and-a-half in his country.
Ollie: That is, you understand, at the present rate of exchange.
[Ollie chuckles and plays with his tie]
Doorman: You guys are screwy.
[the doorman goes back into the house]
Doorman: [Olie folds the check and rings the doorbell again, the doorman returns] Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat!
[goes back inside]
Ollie: Heh heh heh heh, hmph.
[Ollie rings the doorbell once more]
Doorman: [the doorman takes a chime off the wall and opens the door] Who rang the bell?
Ollie: I did.
[the doorman hits Ollie on the head with a chime]
Ollie: Oooh! Ooh, urgh, mmph.
[Stan touches Ollie's head to stop the ringing]
Ollie: Oooh!
Stan: Are you going to stand for that?
Ollie: I should say not.
[the doorman eavesdrops on Stan and Ollie's conversation]
Ollie: He can't bluff me. I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay out here all night. We'll give him his check, and take back our lions.
Stan: That's a good idea, we can get along without his old "piddly-winks".
Ollie: Why, certainly.
Stan: We don't want his...
Ollie: Not "piddly-winks", tiddly winks.
[Ollie faces the audience, does a double take]
Ollie: "Piddly-winks", urgh!

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?
Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron - Baron Munchausen.
Doorman: What's your business?
Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: he bought some lions from us and uh, paid us with a check.
Stan: Yes, sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.
[Ollie searches his pockets, while Stan takes the check from his own coat]
Doorman: [Ollie takes the check from Stan and hands the check to the doorman] 50,000 tiddly-winks?
Stan: Yes sir, the Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar-and-a-half in his country .
Ollie: That is, you understand, at the current rate of exchange.
[Ollie plays with his tie and chuckles]
Doorman: You guys are screwy!
[the doorman re-enters the mansion, closing the door]
Doorman: [Ollie folds the check and puts it in his pocket, ringing the doorbell again] Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat!
Ollie: Heh heh heh heh, hmph.
Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell once more; the doorman rips a chime off the wall and goes to the door] Who rang the bell?
Doorman: I did.
[Doorman hits Ollie on the head with a chime]
Doorman: Oooh! Ooh, mmph, mmph.
[Stan touches Ollie's head to stop the ringing]
Doorman: Oooh! Ugh.
Stan: Are you going to stand for that?
Ollie: I should say not. He can't bluff me; I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay here all night. We'll give him his check and take back our lions.
Stan: That's a good idea. We can get along without his old piddly-winks.
Ollie: Why, certainly.
Stan: We don't want his...
Ollie: Not piddly-winks, tiddly-winks.
[Ollie glances toward the camera, does a double take]
Ollie: "Piddly-winks"! Ummph!

Christmas Carol (1978) (TV)
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: He once told me to treat the warehouse like it was my own.
Humphrey Bogart: What did you do?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: I sold it.

Paul Lynde as Bob Cratchit: Do you know he's so cheap he even has a burglar alarm on his garbage cans?

Oliver Hardy: We were wondering if you would like to make a small donation for the poor.
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, no.
Stan Laurel: In that case, how would you like to make a large donation?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Not interested. When I give to charity I wish to remain anonymous. That's why I don't give anything.
Oliver Hardy: But sir! What are we going to tell the poor, the needy and the destitute?
W.C. Fields as Scrooge: Ah, tell them to use Hamburger Helper.
Stan Laurel: Well that a wonderful idea Ollie. I bet they never thought of that!

Scram! (1932)
Judge: How do you plead?
Oliver: Not guilty.
Judge: On what grounds?
Stanley Laurel: We weren't on the ground - we were sleeping on a park bench.

Judge: If the jail wasn't full, I'd give you both 180 days, but since the jail is full, I'm going to give you just one hour.
Oliver: Thank you, sir.
Judge: To get out of town! And never let me set eyes on you again! Case dismissed.
Stanley Laurel: Does that mean we can go back to sleeping on the park bench?

Oliver: What's the matter, neighbor?
Drunk: I los' the key to my car.
Stanley Laurel: Can you find it?
Drunk: No. Thas' why I'm lookin'...

Laughing Gravy (1931)
Stan: [Referring to Laughing Gravy] Watcha gonna do with him?
Landlord: You know my rules about dogs. I'm going to throw him out!
Ollie: On a night like this?

Ollie: Where are you going?
Stan: [emphatically] I'm gonna get my dog!

Hog Wild (1930)
Stan: I thought you were going to meet me.
Ollie: I was, but I've got to put the aerial up. Mrs. Hardy wants to get Japan.
Stan: Gee, I'd like to hear Japan too.

Stan: Do you mind if I help you?
Ollie: I don't mind... that is, if you'll HELP me.

Big Business (1929)
Ollie: Wouldn't you like to buy a Christmas tree?
First Customer: No thank you.
Ollie: Wouldn't your husband like to buy one?
First Customer: I have no husband.
Stan: If you had a husband would he buy one?
[Woman slams the door in Stan & Ollie's face]
Ollie: From now on I'll do the talking!

Stan: I've got a big business idea.

The Fixer Uppers (1935)
Stanley: If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right in the nose! And I'm just the feller that can do it!

Oliver: Now, you're right up our alley! We have a number here which I think is one of Stanley's tenderest thoughts. Now, just listen to this: "A merry Christmas, husband/ Happy New Year's nigh!/ I wish you Easter greetings/ Hooray for the Fourth of July!" Now, we call that our "four-in-one" card.
Stanley: Yes, Ma'am. You can use it all the year 'round.
Mrs. Pierre Gustave: No, thanks. I'm still not interested.

County Hospital (1932)
Oliver: [seeing that Stan has brought him a present] What have you got there?
Stanley: I brought you some hardboiled eggs and some nuts.
Oliver: Now, you I can't eat hardboiled eggs and nuts. If you wanted to bring me something, why didn't you bring me candy?
Stanley: They cost too much.
Oliver: What does that got to do with it?
Stanley: You didn't pay me for the last box I brought you.

The Doctor: Ah! Good morning, good morning, good morning! And how is my little patient today?
Oliver: Just fine, thank you, doctor. This is my friend, Mr. Laurel.
The Doctor: I hope I find you well?
Stanley: Thank you, ma'am.

Any Old Port! (1932)
Ollie: [after girl runs upstairs crying] What seems to be the trouble?
Mugsie Long, proprietor of Ye Mariner's Rest: Ha ha ha ha. She's crying with happiness. She's gonna be married.
Ollie: Who's the lucky fellow?
Mugsie Long, proprietor of Ye Mariner's Rest: I am.
Stan: [after a great big double take] Can you beat that?
Ollie: What?
Stan: What a terrible cats-after-me.

Stan: I'll go for the same meal as he is.
Lunch Wagon Owner: Okay.
Ollie: [to Stan] You cannot have a meal!
Stan: What do you mean I can't have a meal?
Ollie: Because, You gotta fight tonight.
[to the Lunch Wagon Owner]
Ollie: One order, Please!
Stan: [Whines as he got comfused] I thought you were fighting.
Ollie: NO! I am the manager, And you are the fighter!
[He leaves poor Stan sobbing and starving]

A-Haunting We Will Go (1942)
Stan Laurel: How about some dinner? I'm getting hungry.
Oliver Hardy: Don't be so greedy. We just split a hamburger, and besides we can eat in Dayton for half of what it costs us in the diner.
Stan Laurel: I know, but I'll be twice as hungry in the morning.
Oliver Hardy: [with finality] Don't bicker!

Oliver Hardy: [in reference to the con men they met on the train] Thank you! Two princes!
Stan Laurel: A pair of kings!
Parker: [referring to Stan and Ollie] A couple of jerks!

Angora Love (1929)
Stan: He likes me.
Ollie: Let him alone! Goats are bad luck!
Boy: The police are lookin' for that goat! I'm gonna tell!
Ollie: What did I tell you? We'll get ten years for kidnapping!

Busy Bodies (1933)
Ollie: Would you mind opening the window?
[watching in disgust as Stan goes and opens the shop window behind him]
Ollie: Not THAT window - THIS window!
[seeing Stan pull out a large sheet of heavy paper and study it carefully]
Ollie: What are you doing?
Stan: Well, I was looking at the blueprint to try to figure out how to open the window.
Ollie: Why, that's a blueprint of the BOULDER DAM!

Great Guns (1941)
Hippo: What did I ever do to deserve a couple of yaps like you?
Stan: Maybe you were good to your mother.
Hippo: Pipe down!
Stan: Yes, sir.
Hippo: Now at 10:00 you're all going over for an IQ test, and according to the answers you give, you'll be classified in a job.
Stan: Swell! We're good at quizes, aren't we, Ollie?
Oliver: Maybe they'll put me in the intelligence "corpse".

Unaccustomed As We Are (1929)
Mrs. Kennedy: Oh, good evening, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: Good evening, Mrs Kennedy. This my friend, Mrs Kennedy.
Mrs. Kennedy: Good evening.
Ollver Hardy: I brought him home for dinner, Mrs Kennedy.
Mrs. Kennedy: Oh, how lovely of you, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: How is Mr Kennedy, Mrs Kennedy?
Mrs. Kennedy: Oh, he's very well, thank you, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: Is Mr Kennedy home, Mrs Kennedy?
Mrs. Kennedy: No he isn't, Mr Hardy. I must be going. Good night, Mr Hardy.
Ollver Hardy: Good night, Mrs Kennedy.
[to Stan]
Ollver Hardy: That was Mrs Kennedy
[Stan seems taken aback]
Ollver Hardy: Well, what's the matter?
Stan: I was wondering who it was.

Berth Marks (1929)
Oliver: Well, we've lost the music. Now, what are we going to do?
Stan: We can fake it.
Oliver: Fake it? A good thing you didn't lose the fiddle or we would be sunk!

Come Clean (1931)
Ice Cream Attendant: What can I do for you?
Oliver: We'd like a quart of your best ice cream.
Ice Cream Attendant: Yes, sir. What flavour?
Oliver: What flavours have you?
Ice Cream Attendant: Strawberry, Pineapple and Vanilla.
Oliver: [To Stanley] What Flavour do you want?
Stanley: I'll have chocolate
Ice Cream Attendant: I'm sorry, but we're out of chocolate.
Stanley: Have you any mustachio?
Ice Cream Attendant: No, we're out of mustachio.
Stanley: You're out of mustachio?
Ice Cream Attendant: [angry] Yes!
Stanley: He's out of mustachio.
Oliver: Mm-Hm.
Stanley: What other flavours are you out of?
Ice Cream Attendant: Strawberry... We're out out of Orange, Gooseberry and Chocolate!
Stanley: Alright, I'll have it without Chocolate!

"The New Scooby-Doo Movies: Scooby Doo Meets Laurel and Hardy (#1.10)" (1972)
Velma: Have an accident?
Stanley Laurel: No thanks, we just had one.

Chaplin (1992)
Fred Karno: [on the train; remembering Charlie's early days in the theatre] You took a tail suit out of the wardrobe, tryin' to be a gent. Trying to impress that young dancer... Hetty, wasn't that 'er name?
Charlie Chaplin: Hetty Kelly.
Fred Karno: Yeah, I could see in your eyes you fancied her.
[chuckles to himself]
Fred Karno: Hmm. Sad.
Charlie Chaplin: Yes, I know all about it, Fred. She got married. Sent me a lovely note. I brought it with me; it's in my baggage.
Fred Karno: [looking worried] Oh, Charlie, Charlie. Charlie, don't you know? Has nobody told you? She's gone. The flu epidemic after the war carried her away.
[Charlie reels, unable to speak]
Fred Karno: I thought someone must have told you, must have written. Didn't nobody?
[Charlie leaves the compartment and goes into the corridor, leaning against the wall and trying to collect himself]
Stan Laurel: [following him and fixing his tie] What do we do, Charlie?
Charlie Chaplin: [sadly] Smile.
[they exit the train and are immediately swarmed by a crowd of fans]

Be Big! (1931)
Oliver: Let's get together. There's nothing to getting a boot off. You don't have to drag me around the room. It's most embarrassing. Let's concentrate and use our brains, Rome wasn't built in a day. Remember the old adage, a task slowly done is surely done.
Stanley: [Nods]
Oliver: Do you understand?
Stanley: Sure, a cool head never won fair lady.