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: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home. JFK
: Hey, you're copying my best lines! Elvis
: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business. JFK
: Just what are you getting at, Elvis? Elvis
: I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.
: Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!
: It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a boner like that.
: You fuck off ya patronizin bitch! I'm sick'a yer shit! I'll lube my own crankshaft from now on. You treat me like a baby again I'll wrap this goddamn walker right around yer head!
: Thank you. Thank you very much.
: Look, man, President Johnson's dead. JFK
: Shit. That ain't gonna stop him.
: Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... never, but never, fuck with the King.
: Where'd my youth go? Why didn't fame hold off old age and death? Why the hell did I leave the fame in the first place and do I want it back, and could I have it back? And if I could, would it make any damned difference?
: Jack wait. Marilyn.
[JFK looks at him funny
: Come on, Marilyn Monroe? How was she in the sack? JFK
: That is classified information! Top Secret! But between you and me... Wow!
: Uh, Mr. President... You're on the floor. JFK
: No shit?
: [to Bubba Ho-Tep
] Come and get it, you undead sack of shit.
: But what do I care? I got a growth on my pecker.
: I was dreamin'. Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checkin' to see if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. If it had, I was gonna name it after my ex-wife 'cilla and bust it by jackin' off. Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do. Dreams let you think like that. Truth was
: I hadn't had a hard-on in years.
: That's it? I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, trying to figure out who attacked you last night, and you bring me here to look at stick pictures on the shit house wall, man?
: No offense, Jack, but President Kennedy was a white man. JFK
: They dyed me this color! That's how clever they are!
: He had me on the floor and had his mouth over my asshole! Elvis
: A shit eater? JFK
: I don't think so. He was after my soul. Now you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it. Elvis
: Oh, yeah? Where, man? Hustler?
[after Elvis tells the story of how he switched with Sebastian
] The Nurse
: Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back. Elvis
: Oh, fuck you!
[Nurse and Callie laugh
: Shit! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
: Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
: My God, man. How long have I been here? Am I really awake, or am I just dreamin' I'm awake? How could my plans have gone so wrong?
: You could've come and seen him. They don't charge you for that.
: My own daughter... lost long ago to me... if she knew I lived, would she come and see me? Would she even care?
: I got tired of it. I was hooked on pills, you know. I wanted out.
: Problem is, he had a bad heart. He liked drugs, too. Liked them more than I did.
: Poor Bull. In the end... does anything really matter?
: Oh yeah, that's something to worry about all right. JFK
: Listen here. Listen. I know you're Elvis. There was a rumor, you know, that you hated me. But I thought about that. If you hated me, you could've finished me off the other night.
: I was goin' down for the last count. And I knew it.
: But I still have my soul. It's still mine. All mine. And the folks up there at Shady Rest... they have theirs, too. And they're gonna keep 'em. Every single one.
: Kemosabe was dead of a ruptured heart before he hit the floor. Gone down and out with both guns blazing. Soul intact.
: But why would you want to leave all that fame, Mr. Presley? All that money? Elvis
: I don't know. 'Cause they got old. The woman I loved - Priscilla - she was gone. The rest of the women... were just women. I mean the music wasn't even mine anymore. I wasn't even me anymore. Just this thing they made up. And my friends... well they were sucking me dry.
: It's a cancer. They're keeping it from me 'cause I'm old, and to them it doesn't matter. They think age will kill me first, and they're probably right. Well, suck them! I know what it is, and if it isn't... it might as well be.
: Shitty pictures man. Every single one.
: Here I was complainin' about loss of pride and how life had treated me, and now I realized... I never had any pride. And much of how life had treated me had been good. The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. Should've fired Colonel Parker by the time I got in the pictures. Old fart had been a shark and a fool, and I was even a bigger fool for following him. If only I'd treated Priscilla right. If I could've told my daughter I loved her. Always the questions. Never the answers. Always the hopes... never the fulfillments.
: In the movies, I always played the heroic types. But when the stage lights went out, it was time for drugs, and stupidity, and the coveting of women. Now it's time. Time to be a little of what I had always fantasized of bein' - a hero.
: That's my daughter. JFK
: I know. We weren't there for our kids when they needed us, were we? Elvis
: Man, if I could just talk to her again... tell her I love her... try and make things right somehow. JFK
: No time for regrets, Elvis. We were the best fathers we could be under the circumstances. Elvis
: Yeah, I guess, no time for regrets. We got business to take care of.
: So I signed everything over to Sebastian. Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. I was determined to make myself a new life. A better one. But me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. It was all written up in the contract. Thing was, I lost my copy in a barbeque accident.
: What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin', soul suckin', son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!
: [looking up Callie's skirt
] The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional, she just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin', she didn't mind if I got bird's eye view of her love nest. It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin' a peek. I felt my pecker flutter once, like a pigeon havin' a heart attack, then lay back down and remain limp and still. Of course, these days even a flutter was kinda reassurin'.
: It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!
: [looking at himself in the mirror, thinking
] How could I have gone from the king of rock'n'roll to this? An old guy in a restroom in East Texas with a *growth* on his pecker.
: You got Ding Dongs, man? JFK
: I've Ding Dongs, Paydays and a whole *box* of Baby Ruths. Elvis
: Oh, mama.
[JFK opens a dresser drawer filled with goodies
: So, what'll be? Let's get decadent. Elvis
] I'll have a Baby Ruth.
[in the washroom stall, looking at hieroglyphics on the wall
: Now this top line translates into, "Pharoah gobbles donkey goobers," and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty." Elvis
: Say what? JFK
: Well pretty much, that's the best I can translate it.
: It was nice meeting you, Mr. Presley. Elvis
: Get the hell outta here.
: Now the two key words for tonight - "caution" and "flammable". JFK
: Also "watch your ass".
: Shit, Bubba Ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, he's going to come out hungry and pissed. When I try to stop him he's going to shove this paint can up my ass and he's going to shove me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass.
: T.C.B., baby.
: The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional. She just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatening, she didn't mind if I get a bird's eye view of her love nest. It was same to her as a house cat sneaking a peek.
: Where'd old Bubba Ho-Tep go?
: Look, man, do I look like an ichthyologist to you? Big damn bugs, all right? The size of my fist. The size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich. What do I know? I got a growth on my pecker!
: Is there finally and really anything to life other than food, shit and sex?
: Man, you are one big, bitch cockroach.
: That's where they took a piece of my brain. They got it back in D.C. in that God damn jar.
: I got a little bag of sand up there now. Elvis
: But Jack uhh, no offense but
: President Kennedy was a white man. JFK
: That's how clever they are. They dyed me this color, all over. can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that?
: Damn straight, he comes in here tonight, I don't want him slapping his lips on my asshole.
: Your soul suckin' days are over, amigo!
[Elvis begins reading an incantation against an unconscious Bubba Ho-Tep from JFK's "Book of Souls"
: "You nasty thing from beyond the dead, no matter what you think or do, good things will never come to you. And if evil is your black design, you can bet the goodness of the Light Ones... "
[begins to slow the recitation from disbelief
: "... will kick your bad behind"?
[muttering to himself
: For chrissake!
[to the heavens
: That's it? That's the chant against evil from the "Book of Souls"? Oh yeah, right, boss. And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? Shit, it don't even rhyme well! Bubba Ho-Tep
: [regains consciousness, rises, and speaks in ancient Egyptian
] Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass-wipe! Elvis
: [Sitting down on the wheelchair
] It's dog shit!
: [trapping a cockroach
] Gotcha, you six-legged bastard!
: You can move, Baby. Ann-Margret
: You can sing, Baby.
: Listen to this. This is how God works.
] Elvis Presley
: I may be expressing myself through these beautiful symphonies of light, color, and language that manifests itself as music. But they will hail you as one of the great ones of the day, and think of you as a wonderful preacher, and teacher. Red West
: Huh? Elvis Presley
: Don't you get it? Ever since Mamma died I've been asking myself these questions. Why'd God take her away from me? Why am I not happy when he gave me all this success and fame? Why, out of all the millions, did he pick me to be Elvis Presley? Lamar Fike
: Don't we make you happy? Elvis Presley
: No, Lamar, you don't. None of this does. Oh, you guys have to read these books. Gene Smith
: Hey, if it ain't got Batman in it, it ain't in my library. Red West
: Or naked women. Elvis Presley
: To hell with the lot of you.
'Colonel' Tom Parker
: Let's face it, son. The records aren't doing what they used to and the movie aren't doing much better. Elvis Presley
: That's probably because of all this material you keep shovin' down my throat, Colonel. Hell, you can't polish a turd.
: Elvis? Elvis Presley
: What? And why are you lookin' at me like that? Do I have a zit or something? Vernon Presley
: It's the pills, E. I'm worried about your health. I just wanna help. Elvis Presley
] I don't need no advice from the likes of you! You work for me, that's all. Vernon Presley
: I'm your daddy! Elvis Presley
: And I'm of age, old man! I don't need a daddy any more!
: [after a song
] So, how was it? Priscilla Presley
: I liked it, it was really sweet. I prefer the fast ones, though, like Jailhouse Rock. Why don't you do more of those? Elvis Presley
] Dammit, I didn't ask you to tell me how to sing! I just asked if you liked it! I get enough amateur opinions, I don't need one from you!
[softly, after a pause
] Elvis Presley
: Come here, Sattnin. Priscilla Presley
: No... Elvis Presley
: Come on. I'm sorry, I just finished that session and I'm real proud of it. Better than the hogwash they give me to sing in those movies.
] Elvis Presley
: Stupid movies, stupid songs! But I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry.
: [last Lines
] Guess what Steve? I'm touring Vegas.
: Nice job out there, Cash! Jerry Lee Lewis
: That's right, kiss his ass! Johnny Cash
: Hey Jerry Lee, does your momma know you're out? Jerry Lee Lewis
] She knows.
: Want some chili fries?
: How 'bout that Johnny Cash huh?
: You know there are no coincidences in this universe, man. Everything happens for a reason.
Richard M. Nixon
: Hmm, maybe I should add the Beatles to my "enemies list." Elvis Presley
: You have an *enemies* list, sir? Richard M. Nixon
: Um, no.
Richard M. Nixon
: By the way, Elvis, did you ever, ah, mess around with Marilyn Monroe? Elvis Presley
: No, sir. Richard M. Nixon
: Well, the Kennedys did, you know. Hoover played me the tape. Elvis Presley
: Well, gee, Mr. President, I kinda wish I had a tape of this meetin', so I could play it for muh wife and muh little daughter. Richard M. Nixon
: Tape-record meetings.
] Richard M. Nixon
: When I first met you, I didn't like you at all. I thought you were the most arrogant, selfish, ungrateful little bastard I'd ever met.
] Elvis Presley
: Then I started to remember how much I was like that at your age. Johnny Wolfe
: Elvis, man. What happened at the talent show - thanks. I know you did that for me. Elvis Presley
] Hell no, kid. I didn't do that for you. I did that for rock and roll.
: Son, you're talking to Elvis Presley! Do I look like a dating service?
: Maybe I oughtta go back to the old way of doing things. Really rock 'em again! Jerry Schilling
] Hell, you can't afford to take a chance like that, E. What about your image? Elvis Presley
: Can't afford it? Man, when I was broke I could afford to do anything I wanted!
[Bitterly, to himself
] Elvis Presley
: Now I'm a millionaire. Can't afford to do a damned thing.
: Sometimes you have to give what you have the dearest to find peace
: It's never too late for a comeback.
: God, if I'd been driving, she's... Elvis
: She might be alive? Or you might be dead. Maybe both of you would have perished. Byron Gruman
: How could something so perfect be taken away from me? Elvis
: I've searched a lifetime for an answer to that question. All I know is, you have to forgive yourself, your woman, god... and have faith that the next love you'll have won't cause you so much pain.
: No, that's cool man. Buzz sent me one too.
: That's how I learned to develop these knuckles of steel. Now, slap them. Come on, harder! Harder! Let it out! Let it out! Those are the steel claws of a tiger, Mr. President.
: [Elvis and Ginger prepare to go upstairs to his bedroom, passing the kitchen doorway, where Pauline is seated at the table
] Mr. P, can I get you some sandwiches? Elvis at 42
] That'd be fine, Pauline.
: It's perfectly simple King, Cafe Ha-Hollywood has a quid pro quo with the HMO so you pay no dough and you know when you go your teeth will glow for tonight's big show. Elvis Presley Ventriloquist
] Once more time, but slow. Cassie McBain
: No cash flow, keep costs low, teeth clean so, impress front row. Elvis Presley Ventriloquist
: Anybody got a burger? I ain't eaten in five minutes!
: [watching TV
] Robert Goulet... I hate that son of a bitch.
[fires revolver into TV screen
: Midget Elvis! Little Person Elvis
: Little person, bitch!
: It's called Karate, man. Only two kinds of people know it, The Chinese and The King. And one of them is me.
: I'M THE KING OF THE GLOBE! WOO-HOO! Moderator
: Hello. That'll be about it. Time's Up. Next. Dentist
: I'M A DENTIST! YAY! Moderator
: Next. 'Really A Woman' Guy
: I'M REALLY A WOMAN! WEEEEEE! Moderator
: Next, please. Elbow-Cleaning Man
: I'M CLEANING MY ELBOW! Guy Who's Ulcer Free
: I'M ULCER FREE! Bed-Wetting Man
: I'M A BED-WETTER! No that's not cool. Elvis
: Hail to the king, baby. Say, read it. Get my cape.