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: [to his mother
] You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!
: I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock. Eddie Adams
: Well, I don't know, I guess so. Colonel James
: May I see it? Eddie Adams
: Really? Colonel James
[stares as Eddie lowers his shorts
] Colonel James
: Thank you, Eddie! Eddie Adams
: No problem.
[the Colonel continue to stare as Eddie walks away
: Have you seen that Star Wars movie? Eddie Adams
: Yeah, I've seen it four times. Reed Rothchild
: You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo.
: Jack, I was thinking about my name, y'know? Jack Horner
: Yeah? Eddie Adams
: I was wondering if you had any ideas. Jack Horner
: I've got a few, but you tell me. Eddie Adams
: Well, my idea was, y'know, I want a name, I want it so it can cut glass, y'know, razor sharp. Jack Horner
: Tell me. Eddie Adams
: When I close my eyes, I see this thing, a sign, I see this name in bright blue neon lights with a purple outline. And this name is so bright and so sharp that the sign - it just blows up because the name is so powerful... It says, "Dirk Diggler."
[in a scene from "Brock Landers: Angels Live In My Town"
: [as Brock
] You still hungry? Jessie St. Vincent
[unzipping his pants
: [as Brock
] Then feast on that.
: Look, man, all we need is the tapes, all right? Record Producer
: No, you don't get the tapes until you've paid. Dirk
: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense. Reed Rothchild
: Look, we can not pay for the tapes, unless we take the tapes to the record company, and get paid. Dirk
: Hello? Exactly. Record Producer
: That's not an MP, that's a YP, your problem. Come up with the money, or forget it. Reed Rothchild
: Okay, now you're talking above my head. I don't know all of this industry jargon, YP, MP. All I know is that I can't get a record contract, we cannot get a record contract unless we take those tapes to the record company. And granted, the tapes themselves are a uh um oh, you own them, all right, but the magic that is on those tapes. That fucking heart and soul that we put onto those tapes, that is ours and you don't own that. Now I need to take that magic and get it over the record company. And they're waiting for us, we were supposed to be there a half hour ago. We look like assholes, man. Dirk
: Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good! Record Producer
: Now I get it. Now I understand. You want it to happen... but it's not going to happen. Because it's a Catch-22. Dirk
: What the fuck does that mean? What is a Catch-22, Burt? Record Producer
: Catch-22, gentleman. Think about it.
: You know what I'm thinking about, man? I'm thinking about kicking some fuckin' ass!
: I know fucking karate.
: [practicing his lines in the mirror
] I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo? Dirk
: [he stands, unzips his pants and pulls out his penis
] I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.
[he rezips his pants
: You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!
: We're not leaving yet. We're here now, and we want something else from you. Hey... hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! We want something else from you. Rahad Jackson
: ...What? Dirk
: Todd, what the hell are you doing man? Let's just go. Todd Parker
: In the master bedroom... under the bed... in a floor safe. Understand? Dirk
: What the fuck is the matter with you Todd, let's go! Come on, man! Reed Rothchild
: Todd! Todd Parker
: Shhhut up Dirk. I t... I told you I got a plan. I got a very good plan. Rahad Jackson
: Are you-are you kidding me, kitty? Todd Parker
: Nah, I'm not, see? I'm not kidding. I want what's in the safe! We want what is in the goddamn safe, in the goddamn master bedroom on the fuckin' floor in the goddamn fuckin' floor safe, that's all! Dirk
: Todd, don't be crazy, ok?
: Sir - we don't know anything about this, okay? This is not at all what we wanted. Todd Parker
: Shut the fuck up Dirk.
[to Rahad's bodyguard
] Todd Parker
: Do not reach for your gun, man, don't reach for your gun! Todd Parker
: [Todd pulls out gun and aims it at bodyguard, Rahad shoots Todd in the shoulder, before fleeing to his bedroom, laughing maniacally; Dirk and Reed take cover as the bodyguard pulls out two pistols and starts firing at them, Todd then shoots the bodyguard
] Todd Parker
: He went in the bedroom! Dirk
: Todd, what the fuck are you doin'? Todd Parker
: He went in the bedroom! Dirk
: Todd, what the fuck did you go crazy? Todd Parker
: He's got coke and he's got cash, in that safe, in that bedroom and if we leave here without it, man we're fuckin' idiots, man! We came here to motherfuckin' do something and we can fucking do it, alright? Are you with me? Reed Rothchild
: Todd, listen to me! Let's just split, man! Let's just split right this was not the thing! This was not supposed to be the thing, Todd! Todd Parker
: That's what we goddamn came here to motherfuckin' do, and that's what I'm gonna fuckin' do right fuckin' now! Dirk
: Fuck, no! Don't, don't! Don't be fucking stupid! Rahad Jackson
: [Todd kicks down the door and is shot in the chest with a shotgun by Rahad
] Come on, you puppies!
[Rahad racks his shotgun and fires at Dirk and Reed
] Rahad Jackson
: It's comin' down for puppies!
: Hey, are those lizard? Dirk
: No, they're Italian. I'm gonna fuckin' buy these.
: What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again.
: You know, I'm gonna be a great big bright, shining star.
: I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo? I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.
: Aren't you gonna take your skates off? Rollergirl
: I never take my skates off.
: I'm ready to shoot RIGHT NOW.
: You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big dick and I say when we roll.
: Do these characters have a name? Dirk
: The guy's name is Brock Landers. Reed Rothchild
: And his partner is Chest Rockwell. Jack Horner
: Those are some great names.
: I can't. I just can't get it hard. I just can't. I'm sorry. Surfer
: You shouldn't do this sorta thing, faggot.
: I wanna fuck. It's my fucking big dick. Who wants to fuck?
: Yeah, well this is imported Italian nylon.
[just before they start filming Dirk's first movie
: Does he want me to keep going until I come? Amber Waves
: Yeah. You just come when you're ready. Dirk
: Where should I come? Amber Waves
: Where do you want? Dirk
: Wherever you tell me. Amber Waves
: Come on my tits, if you can, okay? Just pull it out and do it on my stomach and my tits, if you can.
: [standing in the kitchen at work with Jack
] So, you want five or ten? Jack Horner
: What? Dirk
: Well, if you just wanna see me jack off, it's ten. But if you just wanna look at it, it's only five.
: [having sex, filming a porno
] Oh, John. You're a wonderful actor. Dirk
: It's okay to come? Amber Waves
: Are you ready to come? Dirk
: Yeah. Amber Waves
: Come in me. Dirk
: What? Amber Waves
: I'm fixed. I want you to come in me. Dirk
[moans and climaxes
: [as Dirk is in his truck and trying to rub his penis to get an erection
] Come on! Dirk
: [Dirk stops
] I can't! I can't get it hard, right? I can't. I'm sorry!
[another truck suddenly pulls up with a group of guys
: You just shouldn't do this sort of thing, you faggot!
: [while shooting a scene, Dirk ejaculated inside Amber
] We missed the cum shot. He came inside her. Maybe we could go to stock footage, or... Jack Horner
: Are you crazy? It won't match! Dirk
: Jack? I can do it again if you need a closeup.