Queen Elizabeth II
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Quotes for
Queen Elizabeth II (Character)
from The Queen (2006)

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The Queen (2006)
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [Getting her car stuck in a ford] Oh, bugger it.

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh has anyone heard from Spencers' yet? Have they made up their minds when the funeral will be?
HM The Queen Mother: Hmm? Well I don't know, nobody tells me anything.

Prince Philip: It's not right, you know.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: No, but further discussion is no longer helpful, either.

Portrait Artist: You may not be allowed to vote, ma'am, but it is your government.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes. I suppose that is some consolation.

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Prime Minister.
Tony Blair: Good morning, Majesty. Sorry to disturb, but I was just wondering whether you'd seen any of today's papers?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: We've managed to look at one or two, yes.
Tony Blair: In which case my... next question would be whether you felt some kind of response...
[Queen Elizabeth puts Blair on speakerphone]
Tony Blair: ...might be necessary?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: No. I believe a few over-eager editors are doing their best to sell newspapers. It would be a mistake to dance to their tune.
Tony Blair: Under normal circumstances I would agree. But... well, my advisors... have been taking the temperature among people on the streets... and, well, the information I'm getting is that the mood is quite delicate.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: So, what would you suggest, Prime Minister - some kind of a statement?
Tony Blair: No, ma'am. I believe the moment for statements has passed. I would suggest flying the flag at half-mast above Buckingham Palace... and... coming down to London at the earliest opportunity. It would be a great comfort to your people... and would help them with their grief.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [Picks up the receiver] THEIR grief? If you imagine I'm going to drop everything and come down to London before I attend to my grandchildren who've just lost their mother... then you're mistaken. I doubt there is anyone who knows the British people more than I do, Mr. Blair, nor who has greater faith in their wisdom and judgement. And it is my belief that they will any moment reject this... this "mood", which is being stirred up by the press, in favor of a period of restrained grief, and sober, private mourning. That's the way we do things in this country, quietly, with dignity. That's what the rest of the world has always admired us for.
Tony Blair: If that's your decision, ma'am, of course the government will support it. Let's keep in touch.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [Curtly] Yes. Let's.
[the Queen slams down the phone]

HM The Queen Mother: You will have to talk to Lord Chamberlain about all this.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, I have. And to Robert Fellowes, and it seems they both agree with Mr. Blair.
HM The Queen Mother: I see.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Something's happened. There's been a change, some shift in values. When you no longer understand your people, mummy, maybe it is time to hand it over to the next generation.
HM The Queen Mother: Don't be ridiculous. Remember the vow you took?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: I declare that my whole life, rather it be long or short, shall be devoted to your service.
HM The Queen Mother: Your whole life. That is a commitment to God, as well as your people.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: But what if my actions are damaging the crown?
HM The Queen Mother: Damaging it? You're the greatest asset this institution has. One of the greatest it has ever had. The problem will come when you leave. But you mustn't think about that now, certainly not today.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, mummy.
HM The Queen Mother: You must show your strength, reassert your authority. You sit on the most powerful throne in Europe, head of an unbroken line that goes back more than a thousand years. Do you really think that any of your predecessors would've dropped everything and gone up to London because a bunch of hysterics carrying candles needed help with their grief? And as for that silly Mr. Blair, with his Cheshire Cat grin...

Robin Janvrin: The Prime Minister is on his way, ma'am.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: To be, Robin, Prime Minister to be. I haven't asked him yet.

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Have we shown you how to start a nuclear war yet?
Tony Blair: Er no.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: First thing we do apparently, then we take away your passport and spend the rest of our time sending you around the world.
Tony Blair: You obviously know my job better than I do
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes well, you are my tenth Prime Minister Mr Blair. My first of course was Winston Churchill, he sat in your chair in a frock coat and top hat. And he was kind enough to give a shy young girl like me quite an education.
Tony Blair: I would imagine.

HM Queen Elizabeth II: [Charles comes into the room during news report] Charles, isn't this awful?
[long pause]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: What are you going to do about the boys?
Prince Charles: Let them sleep until we know more.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes, that's sensible.
Prince Charles: I should go to Paris, I told my people to start organizing a jet.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: What, a private one?
Prince Charles: Yes.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Isn't that precisely the sort of extravagance they always attack us for?
Prince Charles: How else am I supposed to get to Paris at this time? The airport at Aberdeen will be closed and...
HM The Queen Mother: Charles dear, use the Royal Flight; they keep one plane on permanent standby, in case I should kick the bucket.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: No, Mummy, that's out of the question; this isn't a matter of State.
Prince Charles: What are you talking about?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Diana's no longer a member of the Royal Family, she's not an HRH, this is a private matter!
Prince Charles: She's mother to your grandchildren!
HM The Queen Mother: What is happening now?
Prince Philip: I don't know; I can't hear, everyone shouting!

Prince Philip: Your sister called, from Tuscany.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: I hope you told her to come back, cut her holiday short.
Prince Philip: I did.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: I'd imagine she was pleased.
Prince Philip: That's putting it milder.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: What did she say?
Prince Philip: Something about Diana managing to be even more annoying dead than alive.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Just make sure you never let the boys hear you talk like that!

[last lines]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: So tell me, Mr. Blair, what might we expect from your first parliament?
Tony Blair: Well, ma'am, top of the list is education reform. We want to radically reduce classroom sizes.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, yes. Yes, we must.
Tony Blair: Create a much lower teacher-pupil ratio.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes, it will be difficult to achieve...
[trailing off, inaudible]

[Cherie has just offered a 'shallow' curtsy. The Queen looks at her and smiles]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Mrs Blair, lovely to see you, and congratulations.
[the Queen shakes Cherie's hand]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: You must be very proud, and exhausted I imagine. Where will you be spending the summer?
Cherie Blair: Erm, France.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, lovely.
Tony Blair: You'll be in Balmoral?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes, yes, I can't wait. It's such a wonderful place. My great great grandmother Victoria once said 'Balmoral always seems to breath peace and make one forget the world and its sad turmoils'.
Robin Janvrin: [comes into room] Your Majesty?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, excuse me.
[Robin whispers something inaudible into the Queen's ear]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [to Tony and Cherie] I'm so sorry, we're going to have to leave it there.
[she shakes both their hands and they exit without showing their backs]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [to Robin] It wasn't too short was it? Fifteen minutes, one doesn't want to be rude.
Robin Janvrin: No ma'am.

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Do you think it wise for the boys to go stalking so soon?
HM The Queen Mother: Anything that gets them into the fresh air is a good thing.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Well maybe they shouldn't take their guns, I mean if a photographer were to see them it might send out the wrong signal.
HM The Queen Mother: If there is a photographer out there, he could be the first kill of the day.

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, really? You don't think that what affection people once had for m... for this 'institution' has been diminished?
Tony Blair: No, not at all. You are more respected now than ever.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: I gather some of your closest advisors were less fulsome in their support.
Tony Blair: One or two... But as a leader, I could never have added my voice to that chorus.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Because you saw all those headlines and you thought: 'One day that might happen to me'...
Tony Blair: Oh... er...
HM Queen Elizabeth II: ...and it will, Mr. Blair. Quite suddenly and without warning... So, shall we get on with the business in hand?

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Nowadays people want glamor and tears, the grand performance. I've never been good at that.

Prince Charles: Why is it? Why do they hate us so?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Not *us,* dear.
Prince Charles: What?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Hmm?

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Why do they do that, Mummy? Why do they bury their dead so soon?
HM The Queen Mother: Islamic tradition. Something to do with the heat.

The King's Speech (2010)
Queen Elizabeth: [Using the name "Mrs. Johnson"] My husband is, um... well, he's required to speak publicly.
Lionel Logue: Perhaps he should change jobs.
Queen Elizabeth: He can't.
Lionel Logue: Indentured servitude?
Queen Elizabeth: Something of that nature, yes.

Myrtle Logue: Will their Majesties be staying to dinner?
Queen Elizabeth: We'd love to - such a treat - but, ah... alas, a... previous engagement. What a pity.

Queen Elizabeth: [to Winston Churchill, on the hold that Wallis Simpson seems to have on Edward VIII] Apparently she has certain skills - acquired in an establishment in Shanghai.

Lionel Logue: [Bertie is lying on the floor, and Elizabeth is sitting on his chest] Take good deep breaths...
[Bertie inhales]
Lionel Logue: ...and up comes Her Royal Highness... and slowly exhale...
[Bertie exhales]
Lionel Logue: ...and down comes Her Royal Highness...
Queen Elizabeth: You all right, Bertie?
King George VI: Yes.
Queen Elizabeth: It's actually quite good fun.

Myrtle Logue: [sees the Queen at her dining table, stunned] You. You...?
Queen Elizabeth: It's 'Your Majesty' the first time. After that, it's 'ma'am', as in 'ham'. Not 'ma'am', as in 'palm'.

Lionel Logue: Well, we need to have your hubby pop by. Uh, Tuesday would be good. He can give me his personal details, I'll make a frank appraisal, and then we'll take it from there.
Queen Elizabeth: Doctor, forgive me, ah... I don't have a "hubby," we don't "pop," and nor do we ever talk about our private lives. No, you must come to us.
Lionel Logue: I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnson - my game, my turf, my rules.

Lionel Logue: Am I considered the enemy?
Queen Elizabeth: You will be, if you remain unobliging.

"Animaniacs: Mary Tyler Dot Song/Windsor Hassle/...And Justice for Slappy (#1.45)" (1993)
Queen Elizabeth II: Put some elbow into it! We must have this room ready for the banquet tonight! Chop-chop!
Prince Edward: Really Mummy, why do we have to redecorate the banquet room?
Queen Elizabeth II: Because we used up the rest of the budget on the rest of the castle. Now back to work!
Princess Anne: I'll never be queen!
Prince Andrew: [holding his paintbrush backwards] My paintbrush doesn't work!
Princess Sarah: Twit.
Queen Mum: I don't want to do this poop anymore! I want some tea!

Queen Elizabeth II: Now, we would like you to begin work immediately.
Wakko Warner: ...Who's like us to begin?
Queen Elizabeth II: We would. Us. Ourselves.
Wakko Warner: [Jumping up on Queen Elizabeth and looks down her throat] How many people you got in there? Hello? HELLO?
Queen Elizabeth II: Get away from us!
Yakko Warner: She needs therapy.
[Plants the queen on a therapy couch]
Yakko Warner: Alright Sybil, whom I'm speaking to now?
Queen Elizabeth II: We insist that you stop this! You people are crazy!
Yakko Warner: Look who's talking.

Queen Elizabeth II: Knock knock!
Wakko Warner: Who's there?
Queen Elizabeth II: The Queen!
Wakko Warner: "The Queen" who?
Queen Elizabeth II: The Queen of England!
Wakko Warner: ...That's not a very funny knock-knock joke.

Churchill: The Hollywood Years (2004)
Princess Elizabeth: Our country needs us - desperately!
Princess Margret: Well, you go and fight the Germans then, Ms Lilly Perfect bitch.

Hitler: I am The Fuerher. I'd like you to know I have a complete set of testicles.
Princess Elizabeth: One is very pleased to hear that.

Princess Elizabeth: Let her go or I'll blow your other motherfucking ball off.

"Hannah Montana: Grandmas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Play Favorites (#1.6)" (2006)
Queen Elizabeth II: Simon have we just been punked

Simon: whose gonna save the Queen now
Queen Elizabeth II: don't hate the player hate the game

Grandma Stewart: Who's gonna save the Queen now?
Queen Elizabeth II: Don't hate the player, hate the game.

"The Crown: Pride & Joy (#1.8)" (2016)
Queen Elizabeth II: I am aware that I am surrounded by people who feel that they could do the job better. Strong people with powerful characters, more natural leaders, perhaps better-suited to leading from the front, making a mark. But, for better or worse, the Crown has landed on my head.

Princess Margaret: I'll try not to upstage you.
Queen Elizabeth II: How kind.
Princess Margaret: I can't promise I won't bring my own character to it.
Queen Elizabeth II: Well, I never expected anything less.
Princess Margaret: That's the advantage of having a character to bring.
Queen Elizabeth II: Too much character, an excess of character.
Princess Margaret: Now, look at me and tell me you didn't say that without a little bit of envy.
Queen Elizabeth II: Just remember who you're standing in for when I'm gone.

"Screen One: A Question of Attribution (#3.8)" (1991)
[the Queen knows that Sir Anthony Blunt is a traitor and Blunt knows that the Queen knows this, but both maintain a facade of innocence as they discuss the Queen's art collection, amid many coded references]
H.M.Q.: Portraits are supposed to be frightfully self-revealing, aren't they? Show what one's really like - the secret self. Either that or else the eyes are supposed to follow you round the room. Have you had your portrait painted?
Sir Anthony Blunt: No, Ma'am.
H.M.Q.: So we don't know whether you have a secret self?
H.M.Q.: If one comes across a painting with the right background and pedigree, Sir Anthony, it must be hard, I imagine, even inconceivable, to think that it is not what it claims to be. And even supposing someone in such circumstances did have suspicions, they would be chary about voicing them. Easier to leave things as they are. Stick with the official attribution, rather than let the cat out of the bag and say "Here we have a fake".
Sir Anthony Blunt: I still think the word "fake" inappropriate, Ma'am.
H.M.Q.: If something is not what it claims to be, what is it?
Sir Anthony Blunt: An enigma?

"Doctor Who: The Shakespeare Code (#3.2)" (2007)
The Doctor: Queen Elizabeth I!
Queen Elizabeth: Doctor!
The Doctor: [surprised] What?
Queen Elizabeth: My sworn enemy!
The Doctor: What?
Queen Elizabeth: Off with his head!
The Doctor: WHAT?

The BFG (1989) (TV)
Queen Of England: [after hearing a whizzpopper for the first time] I think... on the whole... I prefer the bagpipes.

"The Queen: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Camilla? (#1.5)" (2009)
[the Queen is refusing to go to Prince Charles's birthday party because Camilla Parker-Bowles will be there]
Robin Janvrin: They have now issued an invitation to a *second* birthday party.
The Queen: [smiling] I thought *I* was the only one with two birthdays.
Robin Janvrin: It's at Highgrove, Ma'am
The Queen: *She'll* be there, then.
Robin Janvrin: It will be a less formal affair.
The Queen: [grimly] I can imagine.
The Queen: Tell them I have a prior engagement.

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Nigel Baker-Butcher: [as Homer and Ned Flanders destroy all the surveilance cameras in Springfield] Thus ends the most popular reality television show in Britain.
Queen Elizabeth: [Cut to the throneroom of Buckingham Palace, where it is revealed the footage from the Springfield surveilance cameras has been streamed over to England as a reality TV show. Her majesty watches as the transmission is cut] Well, too bad. Although I will miss that Ralph Wiggum child. He reminds me of my boy.
Prince Charles: [Prince Charles walks in holding a cat sitting on a cushion] Mummy, my cat's breath smells like cat food.

"The Queen: Us and Them (#1.2)" (2009)
[Princess Anne is talking to the Queen about the souvenirs for her forthcoming wedding to Captain Mark Phillips]
Princess Anne: There's been so much excitement.
The Queen: I'm told people have spent a fortune on souvenirs. Plates, mugs, teatowels.
Princess Anne: And lavatory roll.
The Queen: What?
Princess Anne: Anne and Mark toilet roll. It was in the papers.
The Queen: The Lord Chamberlain never approved that!
Princess Anne: I'm sure he didn't, but it's our faces all right.
The Queen: But people will be...
Princess Anne: I'm afraid that's the point, Mummy.

"The Crown: Act of God (#1.4)" (2016)
Queen Elizabeth II: It doesn't feel right, as Head of State, to do nothing.
Queen Mary: It is exactly right.
Queen Elizabeth II: Is it? But surely doing nothing is no job at all?
Queen Mary: To do nothing is the hardest job of all. And it will take every ounce of energy that you have. To be impartial is not natural, not human. People will always want you to smile or agree or frown. And the minute you do, you will have declared a position. A point of view. And that is the one thing as sovereign that you are not entitled to do. The less you do, the less you say or agree or smile...
Queen Elizabeth II: Or think? Or feel? Or breathe? Or exist?
Queen Mary: The better.

"The Queen: The Rivals (#1.3)" (2009)
[the Queen and Mrs Thatcher have just had a meeting about South African sanctions. Mrs Thatcher lectured the Queen in her usual domineering fashion]
The Queen: I did rather well at the meeting today, Bill. I managed to get a word in edgeways.
Bill Heseltine: Well done, Ma'am.
The Queen: I think Queen Victoria had a very similar problem with Gladstone.

"Doctor Who: Voyage of the Damned (#4.0)" (2007)
Queen Elizabeth: [waving as the Titanic misses Buckingham Palace] Thank you, Doctor, thank you! Happy Christmas!

Minions (2015)
Queen Elizabeth II: [beats up Stuart] Gentlemen do not steal ladies' crowns!

7 Days in Hell (2015) (TV)
Queen Elizabeth: [message on answering machine] Charles... It's the Queen. So here's the deal, fuck nut. Stupid fuck slut. You're embarassing your country. Win and I'll make you a knight. I'm totally allowed to. I did it to that bald guy from Star Trek as a joke. Don't let us down anymore. Ok? Stupid fuck slut. I've been drinking...