Hawkeye Pierce
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Quotes for
Hawkeye Pierce (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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MASH (1970)
Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns: Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

Col. Wallace C. Merril: All right! I demand an explanation.
Hawkeye Pierce: Someone get that dirty old man out of this operating theater.
Col. Wallace C. Merril: [taken aback] Dirty old man? I'm Colonel Merrill.
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't care if you're Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy. If this kid's chest gets infected, I will tell the congressman who did it.

Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix about you... says you stole a jeep up at Headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.

Colonel Blake: You men just passing through?
Duke Forrest: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
[Refferring to Lt. Dish]
Colonel Blake: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.
Duke Forrest: Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
[whistles]
Colonel Blake: Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.
Colonel Blake: Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?
Duke Forrest: Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...
Colonel Blake: Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.

Colonel Blake: We have our slight periods here, but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civili...
Hawkeye Pierce: How many nurses do we have on the base, sir?
Colonel Blake: Seventeen.
Hawkeye Pierce: How many will be on my...?
Colonel Blake: Four... than a civilian surgeon has in a month.

Hawkeye Pierce: [Hawkeye and Duke barge in] Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.
[to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie]
Hawkeye Pierce: Pretty girl, ain't she?
Duke Forrest: Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.
Colonel Blake: Uh, what is it, men?
Hawkeye Pierce: That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.
Colonel Blake: YOUR tent?
Duke Forrest: Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.
Colonel Blake: I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.
Duke Forrest: Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.
Colonel Blake: Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.
Hawkeye Pierce: Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...
Colonel Blake: Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, there is just one more thing...
Colonel Blake: I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!
Hawkeye Pierce: A chest cutter.
Colonel Blake: Nope.
[sighs]
Colonel Blake: I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.

Hawkeye Pierce: It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.

Frank Burns: What's that?
Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.
Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.
Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.

Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body. And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye".
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you... You're what we call a regular army clown.

Duke Forrest: What color was her hair?
Trapper John: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.
Duke Forrest: Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.
Hawkeye Pierce: I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.
Trapper John: Hear, hear.
Duke Forrest: Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.
Hawkeye Pierce: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
Duke Forrest: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?
Hawkeye Pierce: You have yourself a bet, sir.
[to Trapper]
Hawkeye Pierce: You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Duke Forrest: We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.

Motor Pool Sergeant: [Hawkeye approaches a Jeep and sets his bag into it] What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Hawkeye Pierce: Huh? I was just - uh...
Motor Pool Sergeant: Just because you're a captain, don't think you run the joint. I run it.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, all right, I'm just supposed to...
Motor Pool Sergeant: Yeah I know what you're supposed to do. Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now.
[Walks away]
Hawkeye Pierce: [whistles] Racist.

Painless: I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.
Hawkeye Pierce: And you wanted to be faithful to them. Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home, you're...
Painless: Well anyway, I took her out and... And I failed.
Hawkeye Pierce: You mean she wouldn't put out for you, eh?
Painless: No, she wanted to in the worst way but it was me. I just couldn't.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh you couldn't...?
Painless: No, it just wasn't happening...

Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
Duke Forrest: How long does this go on, Frank?
Frank Burns: It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.

Capt. Peterson: [hostile tone of voice] What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?
Hawkeye Pierce: Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all.
Capt. Peterson: You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch.
Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch.
[turns to Hakweye]
Trapper John: Ham and eggs will all right.
[turns back to Capt. Peterson]
Trapper John: Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson: [outraged] Oh!
[turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan]
Capt. Peterson: Oh! Fool!
[stomps out of ward]
Nurse in Japan: How do you want your steak cooked?

Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: [in the middle of an operation] Who are you guys?
Hawkeye Pierce: [mock-British accent] I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
Trapper John: Grrrr!
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: Why don't you save that rapier-like wit for the clam-diggers back home, Hawkeye?

[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?
Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.
[to Trapper]
Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.
[sips from his glass]
Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives?
Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?
Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.
Trapper John: Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.
[reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded]
Trapper John: You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.
[he drops the olive into the glass on the last word]

Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

Hawkeye Pierce: Duke?
Duke Forrest: [in the middle of a brain operation with Spearchucker] Uh... what is it?
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry's got our orders. We can go home.
Duke Forrest: Right now?
Spearchucker: Anytime! Whenever we want.
Spearchucker: [to Duke] You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?

[to Hot Lips, about Frank Burns]
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body, and if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns... is an idiot.

Duke Forrest: Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.

Colonel Blake: [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves] Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
Capt. Murrhardt: No, sir, first time I ever seen them.
Capt. Bandini: Maybe those are the replacements.
Colonel Blake: Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.
Capt. Bandini: I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.
Colonel Blake: They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.
[Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish]
Duke Forrest: [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends] I think I'm in love. Uh,
[raises voice]
Duke Forrest: Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
Colonel Blake: Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Capt. Murrhardt: Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.

Trapper John: [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest: [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest: I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?

Duke Forrest: [In O.R] I can't stop that bleeding down there.
[to Dish]
Duke Forrest: Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp.
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Captain Pierce, did you call me?
Hawkeye Pierce: No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye.
Duke Forrest: I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze.
Hawkeye Pierce: Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Yes.
Hawkeye Pierce: Scratch my nose. A little harder.

Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: Anybody know if this is an officer or an enlisted man?
Hawkeye Pierce: He's an enlisted man.
Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: Make the stitches bigger.

SSgt. Vollmer: Hey, wait a minute, you can't go in the colonel's office.
Hawkeye Pierce: That's who we're looking for, babe.

Duke Forrest: [Hawkeye stands beside a Jeep. Duke assumes he is the driver] Uh, 4077 M*A*S*H?
Hawkeye Pierce: This is the Jeep, yeah.
Duke Forrest: [Sets in his bag then gets in] 'Kay, let's go, boy. Get my other bag.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Hawkeye Pierce: Here we are, Officer's Mess. Perhaps you'd like to come in and take a small repast?
Duke Forrest: I don't think I could eat after that ride you just gave me.

Trapper John: But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.
Hawkeye Pierce: Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke Forrest: Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...
Trapper John: Oh... who is...
Duke Forrest: Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye Pierce: Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
Trapper John: He's a good ball player?
Duke Forrest: Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.

Hawkeye Pierce: Hot Lips, would you like to see these pictures of my kids?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: I'm not the slightest bit interested.

Hawkeye Pierce: I know how we can make some money. We leave him...
[points to Spearchucker]
Hawkeye Pierce: out of the first half of the game, we bet half our money, they roll up some points. Now, second half of the game, we stick him in, we bet the other half of our money, we get odds from them, we clean up.
Colonel Blake: That's very good thinking, Captain.


"M*A*S*H: Welcome to Korea (#4.1)" (1975)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: They shoot at doctors?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Doctors, lawyers, anything, any movement.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [bullets hitting jeep] I think I just had one.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [speeding down the road] I lost my hat
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [no response] I lost my hat!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Your cookies will be next

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't look, he's had it.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We have to TRY!
[turns soldier over. Takes one look, puts soldier down, crawls short distance and vomits]

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [snipers begin shooting, as Radar finishes changing a tire] Radar, get in the Jeep!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [not wanting to abandon the equipment] This is a General's jack!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Salute it and get in!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [escorting Radar and BJ into Rosie's Bar] Forward... DRINK!

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Sir, this jeep is the property of Major General Cornell Dickering.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I don't know what you're talking about!
M.P. Lieutenant: You'll have to come with me, sir.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'd vouch for this man's character, Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Snot! Snot! Snot!

M.P. Lieutenant: Different.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
M.P. Lieutenant: The jeep is different!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes, good eye. This different jeep is definitely different. We picked this one up in Seoul. It was stolen from our CO
M.P. Lieutenant: What's his name?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Burns. Major Frank Burns. Or Ferret Face. He answers to both.

Radar: Hey! Hey! Wait a minute! I can't go in there!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tish Tosh!
Radar: Aw, c'mon. I'm just a Corporal!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do you think that kept Hitler out of the Officer's Club?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I really wouldn't want to get him into any trouble.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No problem. Just let me have some of your costume jewelery.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Uh, I've had only five weeks of indoctrination. Is this what they call a Field Promotion?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: For being brave and nearsighted above and beyond the call.
Radar: Losing a Jeep. Impersonating an officer. All in two hours. If I get in trouble, my mother will kill me!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What are mothers for?
Radar: Hey! What about my stripes?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, you've heard of Lieutenant-Generals? Sergent-Majors? You are now a Corporal-Captain.
[salutes]

Radar: [under his breath] Hawk!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
Radar: That Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What Colonel? There's enough brass in here to make a spittoon.
Radar: Over there at eight o'clock. He keeps staring at me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's probably crazy about you.

Radar: [under his breath] Hawk!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
Radar: [under his breath] He's coming over here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Play hard to get.
Radar: Don't horse around!
Colonel: Boys.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel.
Colonel: You all know this is an Officer's Club, don't you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm a Captain, Plain Clothes Division.
Colonel: Uh huh. Corporal Stripes and Captains Bars?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's a new directive from the Pentagon. That's right out of G2 and G3 making a G5 Combined Officers Op-Tech Glitch. We're experimenting with a new rank: Corporal-Captain. We're down here taking a survey, to see, uh, you know, if everybody likes it, uh, asking everybody in Seoul.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Goldman-Hawkins, right?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Colonel: Well, I don't like it. I don't like it at all!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to BJ] Uh, put down one "No;" one "Against."
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Right. One "Negative; Corporal-Captain."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you, Colonel. We really appreciate your help in this.
Colonel: No, Sir! I don't like it at all!
Radar: He doesn't like it at all.

Radar: I'll drive, I'll drive!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm driving!
Radar: But sir, you can't!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why not? Says who?
Radar: You're not sober, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, i'd really resent that if I wasn't drunk!


"M*A*S*H: The More I See You (#4.22)" (1976)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Having delivered a welcome basket to nurses] That's the end of our goodies. If there's anything else we can do to make your sentence bearable...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We're right across the road. Tent's called the swamp. Stop in for a drink after chow.
Becky: Oh thank you.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Dinner here is around 7.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nausea is around 8.

[Hawkeye's old flame has arrived at the camp]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll check this out. Find out how long she's staying, you know? Maybe she's not even staying. Maybe it's not even her.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Maybe you're not even you.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
[pause]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's me. It's her. It's us.

[Hawkeye and Carlye are talking about Carlye's marriage]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Any children?
Carlye Breslin Walton: No, not yet. We're still talking about that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's not how you get 'em. I just read a paper on that.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I hated you for a long time. Passionately. Hate: the real thing. If I'd met you during my celebrated blue period, I don't know what I'd have done.
Carlye Breslin Walton: I know I hurt ya, Hawk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hurt? You broke my legs. It really tore me apart when you left me.
Carlye Breslin Walton: There was no reason for you to feel that way, you know. You let it happen.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I still felt betrayed. And mad as hell. Finally - finally, finally, finally, finally - I thought I'd gotten over it. I got over the hate, but I never got over the love. When you came into camp that first day, I heard this strange sound. It was my heart beating again. One look at you and it got a jump charge. I can't just *just* work around you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Me what?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ever been unfaithful?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: To whom?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, who could you be unfaithful to?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Myself, for openers.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No, no. Come on. You know what I mean, to your wife.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You mean have I ever strayed?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ever checked in somewhere without a toothbrush.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Never.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Never been tempted?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Tempted's another subject.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, you *have* been tempted.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Never. But it's another subject.

[Carlye has decided to leave]
Carlye Breslin Walton: I can't stay here with you, with me, the way we are again.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: "Be yourself," you said. Well, myself happens to love you. What can I do?
Carlye Breslin Walton: I love you.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, *now* I understand! Since we're in love, there's no possible reason for us to stay together.

[Hawkeye poorly attempts to propose to Carlye]
Carlye Breslin Walton: Look at yourself! Looks where you are! You're trapped! You just proposed yourself into a corner.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So? However I did it, I did it.
Carlye Breslin Walton: You didn't propose to me. You proposed to yourself!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I wanted to try it out on me first.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [sigh] I love the way she drops into my life every few years just to give me a little open heart surgery.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's got to be rough.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll live.
[pause]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In some ways, I don't mind that she's gone again.
[pause]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's just that she never altogether leaves.

[Klinger has just installed a new light bulb]
Maxwell Klinger: Look at that. Talent. I'm not just a pretty face, right?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Especially since you started parting the hair on your legs in the middle.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad, Again (#1.18)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Abe Lincoln.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Abe Lincoln who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't you know me?
[laughs hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: That's awful.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Wait, can I do another one?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: No!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thomas Jefferson.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Thomas Jefferson who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was Abe Lincoln just here?
[laughs even more hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I've never liked you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing a letter to his dad] It's very quiet at the moment, Dad. The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly, an amazing kid. I've never put much stock in E.S.P. but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind Radar has that ability, the little fink.
[Radar passes by]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Is that a nice thing to say?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger comes into the Swamp wearing a white wedding dress] Uh, Klinger... do you mind a little constructive criticism?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: First of all, it's gorgeous. It's easy to go overboard with one of those things, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thank you, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Just one suggestion: You must wear a slip! With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Of course! And I've got so many slips in my tent.

Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can't you ever be serious?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I tried it once, but everybody laughed.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: A white wedding gown?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm entitled. I'm a virgin.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [drinking] Frank, go slow, that stuff'll take the paint off your stomach.


"M*A*S*H: Tuttle (#1.15)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's service record] Religion?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Atheist.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What's that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They worship trees.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Ah, a tree surgeon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing] Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes.

Voice over PA: Attention, Captain Jonathan Tuttle will report to Colonel Henry Blake. On the double! Captain Jonathan Tuttle, at once.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [coming out of surgery, hearing the announcement, turning to Trapper] Shall we go back inside and build one?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's profile] Now something for Hotlips. Height: 6 foot 4. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair: Auburn. Eyes: Hazel...
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I think I'm in love.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone, there's a little Tuttle left in all of us, in fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He was my imaginary childhood friend.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You had an imaginary friend?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, if anybody said, who knocked over the garbage? I'd say Tuttle. Who broke the window? Tuttle. Who wet the bed?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Tuttle!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He had no control.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: So when you got drafted...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tuttle got drafted.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Just in case you wet your cot.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [accosting Hawkeye after he observes him picking up Tuttle's mail] THAT is addressed to Capt. Tuttle.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good, Frank. You read well enough to be a druggist!
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Where is he?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who, Tuttle? He's in post-op, I'm going to drop this off for him.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, well I can do that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, that's very kind of you, Frank. That certainly belies all the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, meanspirited, overbearing fusspot you are.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: It certainly does!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Then I'll stop spreading it!


"M*A*S*H: The Army-Navy Game (#1.20)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Burns: There's an unexploded shell out there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We know, Frank, we know.
Maj. Frank Burns: We've got to evacuate immediately!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I did.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
[Trapper cuts the wires]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But first, remove the fuse.
[pause. Everyone exchanges panciked looks. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Psst. Psst.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: It stopped ticking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's get the hell outta here. We've only got two minutes, maybe ...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are those the right instructions, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I hope so.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I hope so, too. Otherwise I'm coming back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.

Colonel Hersh: [about an unexploded bomb at the 4077] Do you have any stethoscopes around?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We're a medical unit!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [about bombing] Pierce, are you scared?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't be silly, I'm too frightened to be scared.

Radio Announcer: And kickoff is away!
Sound effects: Sound effect: Bomb explodes outside
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Boy, that kid can really kick a football!


"M*A*S*H: It Happened One Night (#4.3)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Go wake up the colonel.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: At this hour? I can't do that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How'd you like a mouse in your milk?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: On the double.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: There it goes. My whole life is passing in front of me. Ma! Pa!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Have we got the right shoulder?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Laverne, good-bye.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: So long, Harry, Freida, Paul. Oh, oh, I'm coming, Uncle Jake.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Klinger, you're all right.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was the gun loaded?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: The lights are fading. I'm too young. No, no!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could you at least bleed?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is the matter with you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's molting.

Maj. Frank Burns: [whispers near patient] He's Chinese.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You don't have to whisper, Frank. He knows he's Chinese Frank.

Abbott: I don't want him touching me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You don't have any choice; he's a doctor.
Maj. Frank Burns: So shut your yap.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You can tell he's a doctor by his bedside manner.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Klinger picks up a can] That's my midnight snack.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: 1943. These beans are from World War II.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right, they're has beans.


"M*A*S*H: The General Flipped at Dawn (#3.1)" (1974)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after General Steele dances out of a court marshal hearing singing a song] I take it we don't have to leave.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Only the general does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, in a rubber truck.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Man. More stuff's coming in from headquarters. New orders, regulations. Read that first one, Radar.
Radar: Uh, yes sir. Uh, the winners of the model yacht race at the cesspool are...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not that, Radar!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nah, let him read it! I haven't seen a sports page in months!
Radar: First place went to Pvt. Norman Polanski with his yacht, the American Beauty Dream. Corncob construction, with toilet paper sails.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, that Polanski has the sea in his blood.
Radar: Second prize to Corporal Timothy McInerney for his clipper, the Evangeline, carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago.
Trapper: Hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.
Radar: The remainder of the contestants didn't finish due to a sudden undertow after breakfast.

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insubordinate!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right!
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insolent!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right! And you're nuts!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [arguing about General Steele's orders to move the camp closer to the front line] I can't just disobey orders! The guy's a 2 star general!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah. but he's a 3-star looney!

Major Franklin Marion Burns: How is the hair in my nose?
Trapper: Fine, but it's parted on the wrong side.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: I never knew I had so much hair up there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I thought it was an ingrown mustache.


"M*A*S*H: The Novocaine Mutiny (#4.20)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: I don't believe you did it. Officers don't steal.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We don't go to the toilet either.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We just explode when we're 50.
[Radar looks up, concerned]

Maj. Frank Burns: [during a practice bug out that Frank has ordered]
[blows whistle]
Maj. Frank Burns: Chop, chop! Get the lead out! This is a war you know!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: See? I told you this was a war, but you said we were both dreaming.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How could we be in each other's dreams?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How could I be in Korea? More importantly, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?

Colonel Carmichael: [after Radar explains helping Frank search Klinger's tent] This Cpl. Klinger, she's a nurse?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [laughs briefly] Oh, no, sir.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: If I may, Colonel, Cpl Klinger is a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. To that end he dresses, erm...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In dresses.
Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a section 8?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: The man does his job, I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Unless Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We all do.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If only I'd known.

Colonel Carmichael: Do you have any opening remarks?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes! Unaccustomed as I am to public lynching, let me just say that even the army must surely have better things to do than to listen to the ravings of a man with enough mold on his brain to produce a quart of penicillin.
Maj. Frank Burns: Sticks and stones, your honor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major burns has had it in for me ever since I suggested that he's created more widows and pall bearers than salmonella.
Colonel Carmichael: Would you say that your lack of respect for the Major's medical skills, might have contributed to the alleged mutiny?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There *was* no mutiny! It's his medical skills that are alleged! I say that Major Burns snapped under the burden of command, and that he never should have been put in the position of command. And that if the politicians of the world hadn't failed to keep the peace, he'd be back in Indiana right now, with his cozy little malpractice. And meeting his receptionist two afternoons a week at the Golden Goose Motel.
Maj. Frank Burns: THAT'S A LIE!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't leave your unopened mail around.


"M*A*S*H: The Colonel's Horse (#5.11)" (1976)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [knocking on Margaret's door] Fuller Brush Man. I have a special today. A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Waking up Hawkeye because of her hot appendix] Pulse is rapid, temperature's up. I can't stand it anymore.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm ready. Your tent or my father's Chevy?

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Can't you do something about Frank?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No, like stand him up and have him shot!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [B.J. is calling his father-in-law in Oklahoma for help to treat Col. Potter's sick horse] Hello, Pa? Hi, it's B.J.!... No, I'm not at the bus station, I'm still in Korea... no, we're not still fighting the Germans, Pa, that was your war!... listen, Pa, I can't stay on too long, we need your help. We've got a sick mare she's down.
[asks Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: What's her heart rate?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Fifty.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Fifty.
[tells Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Too fast. Any gurgling in her stomach?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Silencio.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [back to Pa on the phone] Nothing. Uh huh... uh huh... OK... thanks, Pa! You take care of yourself, now... and listen, call Peg and tell her everything's fine... right, except for the horse! Love you, too. Bye!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What, what?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Too much dry grass and not enough water, she's got colic!

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [describing the horse's colic condition] Her intestines are blocked. We gotta keep her on her feet so they don't twist.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah...
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: And... we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll stroll up to the front and see how the shooting's going!


"M*A*S*H: Hawk's Nightmare (#5.13)" (1976)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Some people have extra sensory perception.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I knew you were gonna say that.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They tell me I've been playing a mean game of zombie basketball.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: They tell me you're worried you're losing your marbles.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [applauds] Well done.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: For my next trick, I will invent sibling rivalry.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Popeye, where are you when I need you?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Am I insane?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Hawkeye, you are probably the sanest person here. If you were crazy you'd be sleeping like a baby.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank, were you ever afraid to go to sleep?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: No.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Not even when you were a kid?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, I had a Popeye night light, until my father took it away.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He did that?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Yeah, he said it was dark 12 hours out of every 24 and he refused to have a son who was a coward half of the time.


"M*A*S*H: Edwina (#1.13)" (1972)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: May I say, that I find this whole proposition highly
Captain John McIntyre: Colonic?
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Irregular.
Captain John McIntyre: I was close.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: And I will not partake in this unholy confluence.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Uh, Frank. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you don't lend your full cooperation to our little enterprise you will be stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [after Edwina accidentally throws a drink on him] I don't mind a wet t-shirt. Saves me the trouble of sweating.

Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson: What shall we drink to?
[Accidentally throws her drink on Hawkeye]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: How about to dry clothes?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Dance with me? Carefully.
[They dance. Edwina backs Hawkeye into the stove]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Ow! Ow!
Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson: That does it! I'm hopeless!
[Accidentally knocks over a tray of glasses]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: No, no! Cheap glass, that's all that is. Who cares about that? That doesn't matter, what matters here is you...
[sound of crunching glass]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Ow! Ow!
Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson: What is it?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I'm not wearing any shoes!Ow! Ow!
Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson: You poor thing, your feet must be cut to ribbons. You better lie down.
[Upends Hawkeye, who falls on his cot, nearly collapsing the tent]
Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson: I killed you.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I don't have that kind of luck.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Edwina... may I kiss you?
Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson: Is your mouth insured?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Shh.
[Nervously, they lean in close and gently lock lips. At first, Hawkeye keeps his eyes open for some sort of disaster to occur, but nothing bad happens as they finish their kiss and slowly lean away]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That was nice.
Nurse Edwina 'Eddie' Ferguson: I didn't break anything.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: No.


"M*A*S*H: Last Laugh (#6.3)" (1977)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hawkeye, the tent is spinning around.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Which way?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Clockwise.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Mine's going counter-clockwise. Maybe together we're sober.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [of Margaret] She's no fun when Donald's relaxed.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: General, I have not seen this hat, as long as my head has lived.
General Fox: Put it on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [BJ puts on the hat which goes down around his nose] That's his hat all right.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He'll be walking back here in about 20 minutes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Walking back?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The only thing gassed up in that Jeep was us.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [defending BJ] He never left camp. We had a company sock wash.
General Fox: Colonel, were you a part of this company sock wash?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: No. That was, uh, for the younger crowd.


"M*A*S*H: Bananas, Crackers and Nuts (#1.7)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] What's this funny business?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's nothing funny to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where'd you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You can't have any.
Maj. Frank Burns: Fine. But where did you get it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: From the North Korean.
Maj. Frank Burns: North Korean? What North Korean?
Maj. Frank Burns: [beat]
Maj. Frank Burns: You mean the one that...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The one who croaked!
[Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [outraged] You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!
[Trapper moves forward and slaps Hawkeye across the face]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't think I needed that.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Radar, take him back to the Swamp and make sure he takes the BLUE pills.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Frank] Flithy liver thief!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Trapper slaps him] I don't think I needed that.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In a few hours I'll be in the arms of somebody I don't even know yet.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [complaining about being overworked] If I don't get away from this place for a while, I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Let go.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I had a dream last night that I was asleep, and I dreamt it while I was awake!


"M*A*S*H: Lil (#7.3)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Trying to find out what BJ stands for] What if I guess your name?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Fine.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Belvidere Jehosaphat?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Still trying to guess what BJ stands for] Was your mother Mexican?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: No.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That eliminates Benito Juarez.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Coercing Radar to open BJ's personal file] For Pete's sake, Colonel Rayburn is right behind that door. What if she walks in on us?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Okay, I'll marry you...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who would name their kid BJ?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: My mother, Bee Honeycut, and my father, Jay Honeycut.


"M*A*S*H: Potter's Retirement (#6.22)" (1978)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Here's a letter from Klinger to his draft board.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Is it ticking?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [as Hawkeye prepares to open a letter] You're not going to tear into that are you?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: It's all right. We're doctors.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right. I'll open. He'll close.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Reading the label on a bottle in Charles' footlocker] Ogilve& Cabot's Hair Sprout. A harvest of hair in every bottle.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Remind me to put some of that in his deodorant.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Charles appears to drink from a bottle of hair tonic] Charles, stop! You're drinking your hair!
Major Charles Winchester: Hm? What? Oh. This isn't hair tonic, it's 12 year old scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle do you?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Ewww! I've been drinking from his scotch bottle!


"M*A*S*H: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (#1.17)" (1973)
Henry Blake: Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place. I don't understand that.
Henry Blake: Well, Gillis was your friend. I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh, you know.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Henry Blake: Because you're a doctor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The hell does that mean?
Henry Blake: I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one.

Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry Blake: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry Blake: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry Blake: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

[Radar interrupts Hawkeye's date with Lt. Griffin]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: It's not Hot Lips, it's Radar.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.

[Hawkeye has just told Margaret that "Wendell" faked his age to get into the Army]
Private Walter: I'm never gonna forgive you for this! Not for the rest of my life!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate.


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call, Again (#4.14)" (1975)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You know, when your mad, you're ugly?

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Where's Frank, Margaret? Still trying to call home?
Major Margaret Houlihan: There's a crisis.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hurricane named Louise.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I'd love to tap into that conversation.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I'd love to be a mouse with earphones.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh you'd just love to see me squirm, wouldn't you?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Can I slip into something comfy first?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Reading his mother's lips in the home movie] "I love you, Walter."
Father Francis Mulcahy: Who's Walter?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: That's my given name.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Give it back.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I lost the baby pool.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, bless my soul! I won!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: A little inside information, Father?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Not at all. I just know a little more about conceptions.


"M*A*S*H: The Moose (#1.5)" (1972)
Young Hi: Understand much English, I speak goodly. Hello Joe, what do you know? You got candy bar for mama? She's sick.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [laughs] Sounds goodly enough for me.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [about Young Hi's brother Benny] The Dead End Kids from Korea.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [reading Young Hi's letter] I ask God to bless you. I say that to please the sisters, I'm a Buddhist person.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [after Young Hi leaves to go home and be sold again] We were so close.
Captain John McIntyre: We get an E in effort.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I can use a drink.
Captain John McIntyre: Make it a triple.
Young Hi: [reenters the Swamp] I know how to do that!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You're not leaving?
Young Hi: Not only staying, also not going. I remembered the most important thing I was taught. To know who to tell to shove off! I tell Benny most important thing I learn from you: who to tell "shove off!"
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Captain John McIntyre: Good!


"M*A*S*H: Depressing News (#9.12)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Upon seeing the dozens of tongue depressor boxes] Oh, the new neighbors must be moving into that vacant tent down the block.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Gee, I hope they have some kids my age.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: There is no humor in this, gents. That dumb trucker just stuck us with five hundred thousand tongue depressors.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [laughing] No wonder you look so down in the mouth.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Five hundred thousand?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'm getting' too old for this. I should've taken the severance pay in twenty-eight, started that dude ranch. Damn zoning laws.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Half a million tongue depressors. Do you know how depressing that is?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Why do you always see the olive-drab side of things? The Army didn't intend to send them all here. You ever heard of a snafu?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Snafu, phooey. We wouldn't have this supply if they didn't think there would be a demand. Tongue depressors, doctors, soldiers...we're all the same.
[Picks up a depressor]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Trapper John goes. No problem, there's plenty more where he came from.
[Tosses it aside and picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: B.J. Hunnicut. Same size, same shape.
[Picks up two more]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank Burns out, Winchester in. Only a hair's difference.
[Picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry Blake...
[snaps it in half]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Rest in peace, Henry. In coming, Sherman Potter.
[sighs]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: My God. Hasn't this elimination tournament gone on long enough?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: [Regarding Hawk's 'Foundation of the Washington Monument'] Excuse my impertinence, but if all these sticks were laid end to end... and they are... what would they be?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They would be... and are... the foundation for the Washington Monument.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Don't they already have one of those some place?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That on commemorates Washington the man, who crossed the Delaware and gave his wooden teeth. This one commemorates Washington the place, which sends us across the Pacific and gives us wooden legs.

Father Francis Mulcahy: Me, advertise? Huh! I can think of better ways of spending two dollars.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: It's not spending. It's investing. With the flock that's gonna come flocking in, you'll need a duffel bag for a collection plate.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, very well, Klinger. I'll take the ad.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Terrific.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Always willing to help an enterprising young man get a start.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: I got the whole thing beautifully designed in my head. I'll tell you how it comes out.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Won't I be able to see it?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: You want to see it! Oh, foolish me. I completely forgot to mention subscriptions.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Subscriptions?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Glad you asked. Because I like you, I'm instituting a man-of-the-cloth discount. My special pearly rates: two dollars a month or twenty-five dollars a year.
Father Francis Mulcahy: All right! All right, all right. Here's another two dollars.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Thank you, Father. One more dollar, and we're even.
Father Francis Mulcahy: What? I thought you said two dollars a month!
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: That's for subscriptions. Now I gotta raise the advertising rate. Circulation just doubled.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like to see your circulation cut off?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Wonderful. See? Another satisfied customer.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Congratulations. You've just committed a very original sin.


"M*A*S*H: Soldier of the Month (#4.12)" (1975)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: She hit me right on the chin!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Really? How did she find it?

Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can I tell you a secret? Promise not to tell?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Cross our cardiograms.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [proudly] Margaret and I are dating.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [awkwardly] Oh... huh.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [the officers are discussing the fever epidemic] Any news from the lab in Seoul?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Father Mulcahy is down there now on R&R.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Rest and resurrection.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Sir? Hawkeye?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Thanks for the knighthood, Radar.


"M*A*S*H: Trick or Treatment (#11.2)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Rather than sing, Super Mouth, why not try leaping off a tall building in a single bound?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can't help it, Charles. My voice is more powerful than a locomotive.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How do you feel?
Private Scala: I'll live.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You sure will. Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethescope?

Private Scala: How can anybody make me forget what happened?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nobody forgets, the trick is learning to live with it, that's the way it is for all of us.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after a 'dead' soldier returns to life] This is one ghost story nobody's going to be able to top.


"M*A*S*H: The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (#5.6)" (1976)
Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
[everyone closes and covers their eyes]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [about Flagg's plan] Why don't you just drop an atomic bomb.
Colonel Flagg: Don't try to make friends now.

Maj. Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're only off by two letters.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!


"M*A*S*H: Private Charles Lamb (#3.14)" (1974)
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [serving a subsitute for the lamb] What is this?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: It's a Spam lamb!

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [after finding out he signed a medical release for a lamb] I must be going crazy.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Don't fight it, Henry.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Colonel Andropolis has the thing flown in all the way from Greece, and now the damned lamb has flown the coop!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Now that's a pretty neat trick.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: U.N. Command in Seoul's called. Boy! Am I in Dutch with the Greeks.
Captain John McIntyre: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: The man's a fountain of straight lines.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Go ahead and joke. I'm in trouble up to my whatsis. One more chewing out and my belly button will cave in.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, Sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Not now, Radar!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Where is it?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, uh. I don't want you to get in trouble, Sir. But, uh, it's been set free.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well what horse's pa-toot did that?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Um.
[pause]
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: You did, Sir. You gave him a medical discharge this afternoon.
Captain John McIntyre: [reading form] Private Charles Lamb.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar! You tricked me!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, I didn't wanna see him killed, Sir. I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I gave a discharge to a sheep!
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: He's on his way to Tokyo now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: On Bo Peep Airlines.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: A buddy of mine will reroute him to Iowa to my folks. I already radioed them. They're expecting him.
Captain John McIntyre: He can sleep in your room.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Your pants will just fit him.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I think I'm losing my mind.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Don't fight it, Henry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I've got Command on my tail! And a hospital full of Greeks waiting on a lamb that's on a plane on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother!


"M*A*S*H: For the Good of the Outfit (#2.4)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why didn't you let him sign?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let him? We begged him to! We begged him to do the right thing.

Gen. Crandell Clayton: Stoner? Oh yes, yes. He's doing a bang-up job for COMSERVPAC, in Honolulu.
Trapper: Uh-oh.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Put all your fragments in your COMSERVPAC and smile, smile, smile.


"M*A*S*H: The Ringbanger (#1.16)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [hoodwinking Major Houlihan as to why he and Trapper are keeping Colonel Brighton from returning to his unit] Buzz Brighton has lost all confidence in himself. Not just as an officer; as a man!
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: This morning there were tears on his pillow.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The bigger they are, you know. More than once they found Patton sobbing inside his tank.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Once he showed up at an air raid in high heels.
Col. Buzz Brighton: You mean he's a...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: But a good surgeon.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: And nurse!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And drink your milk.
Col. Buzz Brighton: What milk?
[Radar sneaks a glass of milk into the tent]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Why THAT milk you were asking for all morning.


"M*A*S*H: The Price of Tomato Juice (#4.15)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Major Burns] You're gonna get the distinguished stingy cross.

Maj. Frank Burns: These two aren't entitled to civility. They stuffed lard in my gun belt and write nasty things on my shorts.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We like to send threatening underwear.

Driver: [Watching Klinger, decked out in evening wear, get into Gen. Barker's car] It can't be...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What's that?
Driver: She looks like she needs a shave.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, she's been on duty all day.


"M*A*S*H: Exorcism (#5.12)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [about Koreans] Savages!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Frank, those "savages" were printing with movable type in 1403.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's right. I was in 1402 and didn't get a wink of sleep all night.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye attempts to perform an exorcism] Acetylsalicylic, Phenobarb and Arsafenamin.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Frank walks from the building] My God, it works.

Kyong Ja: The exorcism would have to be performed by a Priestess. Once the spirits are gone, my grandfather would let you operate.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We haven't got time for that.
Kyong Ja: She's only a mile away.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I could drive her, Sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You do that, Radar.
Maj. Frank Burns: You do that Radar, and I'll have your stripes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You look lousy in stripes, Frank. Go ahead, Radar.
Maj. Frank Burns: Now just a minute, Bub. U.S. Regulations do not allow for heathen rituals on government property.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Dangerous talk, Frank. If the spirits heard you say that, they'd turn you into a pumpkin, or a dedicated doctor.
Maj. Frank Burns: Ah, bunko junko.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Run along, Radar.
Maj. Frank Burns: Permission to run along denied!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Permission to deny denied!
Maj. Frank Burns: You can't do that! I outrank you. I have half a mind to tell the Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I deny you have half a mind.
Maj. Frank Burns: Then I will see the Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll deny I said anything. I'll deny I denied anything. Beat it, Radar!
[Radar and Kyong Ja drive off]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce, you are the most unmilitary man in this man's army.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you.


"M*A*S*H: As You Were (#2.20)" (1974)
[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce? McIntyre?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What is it, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Take off those masks!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Take off those suits!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We will if you will.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where did you get those costumes?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes?
Maj. Frank Burns: The costumes you're wearing!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [in his gorilla suit] Why do people always wait so long before consulting their local gorilla?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [he and Trapper are wearing gorilla costumes and Frank has just asked them to operate on his hernia] Excuse me while I consult with my colleague.
[He and Trapper leap about the Swamp acting and grunting like gorillas, then:]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We'll do it...
[he throws a hairy arm around Trapper]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Me and the missus.


"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)
Pratt: If I ask the colonel to see the major's file and they're cosubversives, they'll pull the old dossier switch-a-roo, and I'll chalk up a zilch.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Boy I wish you came with English subtitles.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He means he's gonna break into Frank's file tonight. Right?
Pratt: It's called breaking and entering.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's a good thing your a cop. Otherwise, that's illegal.

Vinnie Pratt: If I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash then got out and hit himself with a hammer.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: You're kidding.
Vinnie Pratt: A switch on the way he infiltrated the CID last year: drove his jeep into a wall, then set himself on fire.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Is this guy available for children's parties?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."


"M*A*S*H: Images (#6.9)" (1977)
Major Margaret Houlihan: [about a nurse] People who don't have a stomach for this shouldn't be here.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You're right, let's all go home.

Nurse Able: This place is hard to get used to, and I used to work emergency room in Chicago, car accidents, suicide, homicide.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Ah, for the good old days.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I'm think about getting a tattoo.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Get a calendar, at least it'll be useful for a year.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Get a tie, no restaurant in town will be able to refuse you.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Peggy (#4.10)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: He does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery.

[last lines]
Lt.: [paces back and forth outside post-op, then sits down on a bench, then begins to kneel in prayer when the door opens - turns] Is he going to make it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, we could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again!
Maj. Frank Burns: Twerp!
Local Koreans (uncredited): [on Hawkeye's cue] You tell 'em, Ferret-face!

nurse: [worried about the strenuousness of piling people into jeep] Could I get a hernia?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Certainly. But rent one first, see if you like it.


"M*A*S*H: No Sweat (#9.11)" (1981)
Klinger: Anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, get on the phone and tell I-CORPS to get a helicopter out here first thing in the morning.
Klinger: The colonel's the only one who can authorize that.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: So get him to authorize it.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And as soon as you do that, get over to B.J.'s house and clean out his gutters.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They said "join the army and see the world", so here I am in Korea, removing Chinese metal from an American soldier in a Turkish bath. How are you doing, giggles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Bitterly] How should I be doing?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'll have to excuse Andry Grump, ladies, he can't get his mind out of the gutter.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Describing a would-be handyman, while Margaret, with severe prickly heat, is rubbing her behind against the edge of a table] ...With a skin tight T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, better looking than Errol Flynn. She's only human, you know. First it's the gutters, then he says, "Is there anything else I can do, Mrs. Hunnicut?" And she says, "Well for starters, you can call me Peg".
[stares at Margaret]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Follows B.J.'s glance towards Margaret, then turns back to nurse] Some fun, huh, Joanne? Over here we got a guy who's losing his marbles, and over there, a woman who's slipping on them.
[Margaret stops dead]


"M*A*S*H: Iron Guts Kelly (#3.4)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [answering phone] MASH 4077th, Colonel Blake here. When? How? Wow!
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [curious about the phone call] What is it?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [covers phone] Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Was anyone hurt? Yeah? Yeah.
[covers phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance, they're ok, but the General's dead. He's been killed.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Who? Kelly?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly's been killed!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'd think the girls would have broken his fall!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Lord, he was just here! Well, what's he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick!
Colonel Wortman: [takes phone from Col. Blake] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.
Colonel Wortman: [covers phone] I'll provide the fighting.
[on phone]
Colonel Wortman: Get on with it!
[talking to Radar again]
Colonel Wortman: Get me Kimpo Air base. I want a squadron of jets. And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled bannered death.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [walks over to talk to Hawkeye and Trapper] Hey guys.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yes, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's right, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?
Colonel Wortman: [on phone] And rockets! I want plenty of rockets!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's for the red glare.

Colonel Wortman: What's wrong? Is the general ill?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He's a little past ill.
Colonel Wortman: What are you saying?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's dead.
Colonel Wortman: Dead? Wh - he, he can't be dead!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Look, we both studied dead; this man's dead!
Colonel Wortman: Wh - he, he w - he was fine a little while ago. What happened?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Myocardial infarction.
Colonel Wortman: What does that mean?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It means his pearl-handled guns are up for grabs now.


"M*A*S*H: Sons and Bowlers (#10.19)" (1982)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What do you mean you can't call Portland from Guam? You're routing me through where?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Perplexed, after a pause] Mars?
Major Charles Winchester: Military Affairs Radio Station.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [after being prematurely transferred off the phone line] Wait! That wasn't an official 'over'!

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [while the rest of the gang celebrates beating the Marines in bowling, Hawkeye and Charles share a private toast in celebration of Hawkeye's father's successful surgery]
Major Charles Winchester: To our fathers.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: And their sons.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad... Three (#2.9)" (1973)
Captain John McIntyre: Understand you're in need of a medical man here.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I see you couldn't find one.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [watching old home movies] That's Milt Jaffe, the gynecologist from next door.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Oh, that's handy. Everyone should have a gynecologist next door.
Captain John McIntyre: I hate to ask what's on the other side.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Milt's very attractive wife comes up on screen] Ohh!
Captain John McIntyre: Yeah! Hey, hey!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe is loaded for bear.
[Henry and Sylvia ham it up on screen with fake kiss and are caught by Milt. Laughs, Imitates Silent Movie Music]

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [in letter to dad] We just heard General Eisenhower is going to run for president. What some people will do to get out of the Army.


"M*A*S*H: Picture This (#10.20)" (1982)
Charles: Pierce, day time is for talking. Night time is for sleeping.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Forget it.
B.J.: Look, we're over here fighting for democracy. All those in favor of turning off the light, say "Aye". Aye!
Charles: Aye.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown. I will turn off this light when, and only when, I get to the end of this book.
Charles: Very well, Pierce.
[Gets out of bed, walks over to Hawkeye, picks up his book and tears off the last few pages and back cover, then hands it back to him]
Charles: You are now at the end of your book.
[Turns off light]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Turns light back on] Just a minute!
[a pillow is hurled at him]

Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Uh, Captain, your friends over THERE wanted me to tell you there is an empty seat OVER there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's fine by me. I'm in better company alone.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You guys are really on the outs, huh?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do you have any idea how tough it is to live in the same shoebox with a couple of irrational jackasses?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Yeah, I know. They were just complaining how tough it is to live with ONE.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What a rotten thing to say.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't know, moving out of The Swamp seems a little drastic. I was thinking more along the lines of a murder/suicide kind of thing.


"M*A*S*H: What's Up, Doc? (#6.19)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Consoling Margaret] If you count irritability, you've been pregnant since I've known you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The test is for Major Houlihan
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: You're pregnant sir?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Learn to knock first, we have a naked bunny in here.


"M*A*S*H: The Smell of Music (#6.15)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's it! The irresistible force is about to polish off the immovable object.

Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [Father Mulcahy is trying to diplomatically turn down Hawkeye's and BJ's invitation to eat with them] Father, is it because we smell bad?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, dear. How do I put this? Oh dear, how should I put this... Yes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Jesus ate with the lepers.
Father Francis Mulcahy: He was an exceptionally good sport.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Charles] Put down that horn. We have your head surrounded.


"M*A*S*H: The Longjohn Flap (#1.19)" (1973)
Captain John McIntyre: [Sees Frank in the longjohns] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Supparating pustules, if there's any justice.
[to Frank]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where'd you get those longjohns!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Wouldn't you like to know!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to hit Frank with it] Those are MINE, you hermaphordidic weasel!
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If I didn't think those would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If he lets everyone feel them, all that'll be left is a package of lint.


"M*A*S*H: Peace on Us (#7.2)" (1978)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Come on, join hands. Everybody join hands and say, 'Howdy!' Come on. It's just one little word. You mean you can't even get together on one little word? What's the matter here? I don't understand. You know what to do why can't you just do it? People are dying out there! You've got to stop it! You can't wait anymore! You can't!

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [about to be dipped in red food color] We who are about to dye, salute you.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Sigmund (#5.7)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up on his bed after overhearing a conversation] Well, well...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, I thought that lump under his covers was dirty laundry.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It is.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We couldn't help but notice that you came for the poker game and stayed two weeks.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, I just wanted a little vacation.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sydney, Venice is a vacation. The Swiss Alps is a vacation. This is a fungus convention in Atlantic City.


"M*A*S*H: Cowboy (#1.8)" (1972)
[about the golf course he and Trapper set up on the camp]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: It's a par 29.

Henry Blake: Where were you tonight when that jeep went through my quarters?
Captain John McIntyre: [Jumping to his feet, startled] When the what went through your where?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He was right here!
Henry Blake: Oh, yeah? And just where is here?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Here is where we are.
Henry Blake: [Deflating] Oh. This here here?


"M*A*S*H: Bottoms Up (#9.15)" (1981)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Enters tent] Charles, I have something incredible to tell you.
Major Charles Winchester: [Stands] Here you are, Pierce. Let me make this easy for you. Here you go.
[Drops trousers]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: No, I don't want your pants. I come in peace.
Major Charles Winchester: Oh, no need to pull my leg, Pierce. Here you go, now you say 'Got you Charles, ha ha ha' and the then you leave.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: How can I make you listen to me?
Major Charles Winchester: Cannot.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Okay, here you go. Here you are.
[Drops trousers]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Here's a show of good faith.
Major Charles Winchester: Oh, the nudist magazines are finally taking their toll, eh?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: No, no, nothing like that. All I want is a brief conversation.
Major Charles Winchester: Concerning what?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Concerning your enemy and mine BJ Hunnicut. This is a man with two faces, each one containing a forked tongue.
Major Charles Winchester: Why, what's he done?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Everything. I was supposed to sit in that glue in the officer's club, only he arranged for the chairs to be switched and you'd get it again.
Major Charles Winchester: You expect me to believe this, Pierce?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Charles. I swear I'm telling the naked truth. As Klinger as my witness. He was the one who switched the chairs on BJ's instructions. and it was BJ's idea that you go bareback in the OR too.
Major Charles Winchester: Pierce, this sounds like the rantings of a lunatic. Are you telling me this is true?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Absolutely. Our own clean cut, adorable, soft spoken BJ is a perverse genius. He magnificently orchestrated things so you'd get humiliated, I'd get blamed and he'd get his jollies.
Major Charles Winchester: My word. Machiavelli would have been proud.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: But it's not over yet. You know the old saying: he who lives by the joke shall die by the joke.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Viewing photos of the revenge prank on BJ] These came out great. That BJ is the living end.
Major Charles Winchester: Proof past that behind every great man there is a great behind.
[Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These are wonderful.
[to Klinger]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What took you so long with these?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, to develop photos of this sort you need more than a dark room. You need a dark alley.
[Hawk, Winchester and Kinger laugh. BJ comes up behind]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Ah, ah. Not funny. Not funny.
[Snatches photos]
Major Charles Winchester: My, isn't he a testy one?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He's going to be absolutely beside himself when he sees those eight by tens on the bulletin board.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: No.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Yeah.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ahhhhhh!
[Runs screaming as Hawk and Winchester laugh]


"M*A*S*H: Mad Dogs and Servicemen (#3.13)" (1974)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [about the paralyzed kid] It's disgraceful, a US solder crawling on the ground.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Tell that to the infantry, Frank...

Major Franklin Marion Burns: I outrank you corpsman, I can have you punished.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We'll do you one better, we'll sew your helmet to your head.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: You two are going to pay for this!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Not on our salary.


"M*A*S*H: Payday (#3.22)" (1975)
Nurse Baker: Captain Pierce, you dance divinely.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: My parents made me take divine lessons.
Nurse Baker: Smart parents.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton.

Captain Sloan: I'm Captain Sloan, Supervising Acc-Fin.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: "Acc-Fin?"
Captain Sloan: Accounting and Finance.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh. I'm Hawkeye Pierce, aggravated Doc-Surge.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Sis (#7.14)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I understand the cook made us a traditional Christmas dinner.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Right, turkey on shingles with cranberry sausage.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [B.J. is dressed as Santa Claus] Listen, fella, I've actually seen Santa Claus. I sat on his lap once. And I'm here to tell you, you ain't him.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How can you tell, Virginia?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well in the first place, is that a brown mustache or are you eating a mouse?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella. Buzz off.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Gee. whatever happened to 'ho ho ho'?


"M*A*S*H: Nurse Doctor (#8.7)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I have stuffing that's just aching to be hugged.
Father Francis Mulcahy: What can I say, Hawkeye. Some guys got it and some guys don't.


"M*A*S*H: Fade Out, Fade In (#6.1)" (1977)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
Charles: You may.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?


"M*A*S*H: Life with Father (#3.8)" (1974)
Nurse Baker: Shall I diaper, Doctor?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes, and then the baby.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Chim Sa is looking for a rabbi to perform a bris] I'll do the circumcision, but you'll have to find a Jewish chaplain to lay on the prayers.
Captain John McIntyre: Can Father Mulcahy do Jewish?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Only if he can read Latin from right to left.


"M*A*S*H: A Night at Rosie's (#7.23)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [pouring beer into a bowl with Rice Krispies, then smiling] Listen to that... snap, crackle and burp.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: By the way, it's not July 4th. It's like, August 10th.
Dorsett: Whaddya know? I've been plastered for 5 weeks! That's a new record!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In Honolulu, maybe, but not here.


"M*A*S*H: House Arrest (#3.18)" (1975)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I've never been to a rape before.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Maybe for your next birthday.

Frank Burns: You still don't realize that you're under house arrest. That you're not a free man. Now watch this... I can step out. I can step in. Out. In. Out. In. That's a free man.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good. Now let's see you go to Tahiti for the leprosy festival.


"M*A*S*H: Mr. and Mrs. Who? (#8.9)" (1979)
Shaw: Have you got it too, doctor?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, my pain is self-inflicted.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's suffering from bottle fatigue.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: A victim of hand to mouth combat.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are you serious about this girl, or is it a case of two Majors that pass-out in the night?


"M*A*S*H: Lt. Radar O'Reilly (#5.4)" (1976)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Insanity is just a state of mind.

[Radar reveals he wants to go back to being an NCO]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How far do you want to get busted?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: No lower than Sergeant - i need to keep up my mom's electrolysis payments!


"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips Is Back in Town (#7.19)" (1979)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Tell your nurses not to be afraid to carry litters if they have to. Some of them are stronger than I am.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can I have names?

[B.J., posing as a MP, storms inside the training tent]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Attend-hut! Prepare for inspection! Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye storms in, posing as a general;gruff voice] Thank you, Cato. Where are the girls? Where are the girls?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: He wants girls! He wants girls!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Margaret] You, suck it that gut! Throw out that chest! You stay just the way you are.
[Hawkeye grabs Margaret]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [shireks] Get away from me!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's have a major skirmish.
Major Charles Winchester: Play this comic opera elsewhere.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Comic opera?
Major Charles Winchester: We are busy here!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Shall I have him shot, Mon general?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Shooting is too good for him. Lock him in the kitchen.
Major Margaret Houlihan: [grows furious] That's it, get out. Get out of here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Cato, sound retreat.
[B.J. blows a whistle]
Major Margaret Houlihan: [screams] OUT!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I shall not return.
[Margaret repeatedly hits Hawkeye and B.J. as she chases the two out of the tent]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Come on! Get out of here!
[frustrated]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Can we just get on with it?


"M*A*S*H: Patent 4077 (#6.16)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Sgt. Zale's prototype clamp malfunctions, and won't loosen from Hawkeye's hand] I am now *officially* in EXTREME PAIN. Don't believe me?
[screams loudly]

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Father, do you have a prayer for an untried vascular clamp?
Father Francis Mulcahy: No, but like you, I can invent one.


"M*A*S*H: Major Ego (#7.8)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce! Ignore them, captain. I assume that you'll want to start with some biographical information?
Capt. Tom Greenleigh: Well, I really don't have room for that. Just the facts.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, you w- of course. Well, I was born in upper Boston, where my family had lived for five generations...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a modest, 20-room log cabin.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Due to my background and breeding, it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools: Choate, Harvard...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery...

Cpl.: [dressed up like Bette Davis] What a dump!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The decorator's here.


"M*A*S*H: Sticky Wicket (#1.21)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thanks. You know something Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.

Trapper: See you at the movie tonight?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's showing?
Trapper: "Love Life of a Gorilla" and "Bonzo Goes to College".
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll wait for the books to come out.


"M*A*S*H: Bulletin Board (#3.16)" (1975)
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Trapper and Hawkeye are talking during the movie] Will you sirs kindly mind? It's Shirley Temple!
Trapper: She's not really a kid, Radar.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Her mother stunted her growth - made her sleep in a short bed and smoke. She's 42 years old.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy.


"M*A*S*H: The Merchant of Korea (#6.14)" (1977)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Charles, how come you never sweat?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: In the first place, I do not sweat; I perspire. In the second place, I never perspire.


"M*A*S*H: Are You Now, Margaret? (#8.2)" (1979)
Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Of course not, only if they're sick.


"M*A*S*H: Bottle Fatigue (#8.16)" (1980)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, Lt. Mendenhall, as I live a breathe heavily.


"M*A*S*H: War of Nerves (#6.4)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [after Hawkeye and BJ put a cot on the bonfire] How can you do that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's just a thing. It has no intrinzic value.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides, it's yours.


"M*A*S*H: Comrades in Arms: Part 2 (#6.13)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: With the exception of one small moment of glory in the operating room, it was for them a total disaster.
[pause]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Why are you smiling?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who's smiling? I'm not smiling.
[to BJ]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why are you smiling?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I'm not smiling.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Col. Potter] Why are you smiling?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm not smiling. This is serious.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: All right, I'll do it. But when I come back there better not be any smiling.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut, Col. Sherman T. Potter: Who's smiling?


"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Flagg] You're gonna lose your magic decoder ring for this one!


"M*A*S*H: Give 'Em Hell, Hawkeye (#10.4)" (1981)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: I just received this letter from my superior at HQ.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I didn't know there was a "Father Superior".


"M*A*S*H: The Price (#7.17)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Radar providing translation] Does he understand English?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'll find out. Do you speak English?
Ham: Yes.


"M*A*S*H: The Gun (#4.13)" (1975)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Radar is innocent until proven guilty.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: But he - and only he - seems entitled to that consideration.
[leaves OR]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Don't you hate it when he's right?


"M*A*S*H: The Tooth Shall Set You Free (#10.14)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Winchester groans like a cow] B.J dont forget it's your turn to milk Charles in the morning


"M*A*S*H: Movie Tonight (#5.21)" (1977)
Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.


"M*A*S*H: George (#2.22)" (1974)
Pvt. George Weston: Actually, Doc, there were two guys in my unit who got beaten up. One colored... and one homosexual.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: So you're a Negro. Who'd have guessed?


"M*A*S*H: U.N., the Night and the Music (#11.10)" (1983)
Maxwell Klinger, Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [chanting] . Om, Mani Padme Hum.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Colonel?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Yes, Pierce.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [looking at his CO & Klinger upside down chanting, bewildered & irritated] . Well, I had come in here in the hope of finding someone with whom I could have a nice, intelligent conversation but I see you're in no position to do that.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [calm & collected] Pierce, you seem a trifle edgy.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Wound up] I've gone over the "edgy." There's an international conspiracy to drive me crazy. Back in the Swamp, the upper crusts are toasting each other. Meanwhile, the head nurse is busy trying to yump on someone's yiminy. And I come in here only to find my complaints are falling on deaf feet.
Maxwell Klinger: [calm & philosophical] Forgive me, Captain, but only through accepting others for what they are will you find true inner tranquility.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [sarcastic] You have to respect a man who looks you square in the toes when he talks to you.
Capt. Ramurti Lal: [in agreement] The great guru Ramdas could not have said it better, Max. Uh, your neck? Has it improved?
Maxwell Klinger: [relaxed] A lot. Never had an energy flow like this.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [sighs] Why fight it? I might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous.


"M*A*S*H: Pressure Points (#10.15)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The gravy was better than usual tonight... you could cut it with a fork.


"M*A*S*H: April Fools (#8.25)" (1980)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [after many hours in the OR] This war has definitely lost its alure.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: My sentiments exactly. If we didn't have such a terrific union here I'd put in my two week notice. But I'm too weak.


"M*A*S*H: Guerilla My Dreams (#8.3)" (1979)
Lt. Hung Lee Park: You have done your duty. Now, I must do mine.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angrily] You son of a bitch!


"M*A*S*H: The Joker Is Wild (#11.4)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's the slop de jour?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: This here's carrots and peas.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, succo-trash.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Actually, sir, they're pretty good today. I highly recommend them.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What about this stuff?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: The beans, I wouldn't give them to my neighbor's dog. In fact, they're so old, they're has-beans.
[laughs like crazy]


"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Cruel World (#8.21)" (1980)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right over here Klinger, I'm all dressed up with no where to sew.


"M*A*S*H: Hey, Doc (#4.5)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel, about the sniper...
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm working at my desk, and Radar is scared.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do something about it.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I can work twice as hard; Radar can you be twice as scared?


"M*A*S*H: Yessir, That's Our Baby (#8.15)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, my compliments to Zale on making that cradle.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hey, the handle part was my idea.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Congratulations, Klinger. This might mean a Nobel Prize. You have invented 'the stick'.


"M*A*S*H: Wheelers and Dealers (#10.5)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [opening his mail package] Hey look, a polaroid!
Cpl.: Looks like a camera to me.


"M*A*S*H: C*A*V*E (#7.20)" (1979)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [calming his patients] We're safe as long as they keep aiming at us.


"M*A*S*H: Old Soldiers (#8.18)" (1980)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Pierce you can really pack it in.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well I've always enjoyed having breakfast in bedlam.


"M*A*S*H: Inga (#7.16)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How dare you do that to me in front of a room full of people! I have to work with them!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You'll work with them a lot better when you start treating them like people.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't hand me that baloney. You're not standing up for her as a woman, you're really jealous of her, aren't you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Jealous of her?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Olive green.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Over you? Don't be an ass! You think everything revolves around you and your spectacular body, don't you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're raving.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You think a woman is dead until she lives for you. Well, let me tell you something, Benjamin Franklin, we actually survive without you. We live, we breathe, we dream, we do our work, we earn our pay, sometimes we even have our little failures, and then we pull ourselves together all without benefit of your fabulous electric lips! And let me tell you something else, buster. I can walk into that kitchen anytime I want, and replace those fabulous lips of yours with a soggy piece of liver!


"M*A*S*H: Bombed (#3.15)" (1975)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [as he is being pulled from a bombed latrine, a dazed Father Mulcahy recounts a childhood memory] Sis and I picked these apples from under the tree. I remember, I said "You can't make a pie out of crabapples!" And she said, "I learned how in the girl scouts."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: She used brown sugar, and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Get him back to his tent, let him rest.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Mommy came into the kitchen and said "What the hell is going on in here?"
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [thinking that the dress-wearing Cpl. Klinger is his mother] I remember Mommy. You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear!


"M*A*S*H: No Laughing Matter (#9.13)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Over P.A. system] Attention all personnel, it's now 12:01, which means it's no longer today, it's tomorrow. This is Benjamin Franklin Berle livening up your dead of night. Thanks to B.J. Hunnicut, I had a brief bout with jokus interruptus, but now I'm back to abnormal. So bare with me while I take care of some unfinished business. Hey Igor, keeper of the public ptomaine, before you go to bed, don't forget to walk tomorrow's breakfast. And let me tell you something, Margaret: you always talk about the leather but you never do anything about it. You know - you know what I mean? And a big hello to Charles, our chief procurement officer. I guess you found out you can't get to Tokyo on the layaway plan. You know? Heh heh. And the ever-popular Horace Baldwin, hereby awarded the fig leaf cluster for service above and beneath the call of duty. Ha ha ha ha. But seriously -...


"M*A*S*H: The Moon Is Not Blue (#11.8)" (1982)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [Closing lines - After B.J. and Hawkeye said how upset they were that the film The Moon Is Blue was relatively clean, despite all the controversy surrounding it] One of the actors did say 'virgin.'
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's cause everyone was!


"M*A*S*H: The Billfold Syndrome (#7.5)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [Drunk out of his mind and listening to Hawkeye and BJ make fun of him losing his position at Massachusetts General] Is that what you think... Beej? Is that what all you cretins think?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Did you hear something that sounded like Charles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: The mummy speaks!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Indeed, and I'm going to rise from this hideous tomb and leave all you relics behind.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Going somewhere Charles?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You bet your beer soaked brain I am.
[Holds up piece of paper]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Read this and weep. This is from the Massachusetts General Hospital, see
[mumbling drunk]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Mahahuhet genel hopital. You are looking at the next chief of thoracic surgery
[hiccups on thorasic]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: . Gentlemen, eat my DUST!
[throws paper down with a sinister grin]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, we got him to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That's nothing, I can make him yell. Charles, uh, I wouldn't pack my bags just yet
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No... uh... see... Beej and I sort of... uh... well... know about... your news
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You read my telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Read your-oh heavens no.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We would never read your telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We wrote it.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You wrote that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well I have to admit it's not the nicest thing we've ever done, but you have to realize that you challenged us!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: There was no other way to get you to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We don't like to lose Charles.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Especially to you.


"M*A*S*H: Officers Only (#2.15)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major Burns is ready to assist.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What do you think I'm doing? Stalling 'til my room is ready?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon!


"M*A*S*H: Foreign Affairs (#11.3)" (1982)
[Martine invites Charles to sit with her after rebuffing Hawkeye]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What did he try that I didn't?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Maybe sincerity?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Sincerity? I could fake that.


"M*A*S*H: The Grim Reaper (#6.11)" (1977)
Major Charles Winchester: [suddenly passes out cold in the O.R]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where is Major Winchester?
Major Margaret Houlihan: He's on the floor.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: He can't operate form there, his arms aren't long enough.


"M*A*S*H: B. J. Papa San (#7.15)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] Figaro, figaro figaro figaro. Shave and a haircut, two bits.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Oh, is that where that's from?


"M*A*S*H: Tea and Empathy (#6.17)" (1978)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Is that still your first patient Winchester? I'm on my third.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's probably running his credit.


"M*A*S*H: Check-Up (#3.7)" (1974)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [They both think Trapper is going home] Thanks, Trap.
Captain John McIntyre: What?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You made it bearable. I was lucky. You were honest, and open. You let me lean on you.
Captain John McIntyre: No charge.


"M*A*S*H: Dreams (#8.22)" (1980)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A little shut-eye would go down great right about now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You can say that again. Even my teeth are dozing off.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Compared to the way I feel, Rip Van Winkle was an insomniac.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Well, good night, folks. If you need me, I'll be unconscious.
[People start getting up]
Major Charles Winchester: Ah, to sleep... perchance to dream.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [All pause, recalling their nightmares] On the other hand, maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Good idea.
Major Charles Winchester: Help keep us warm.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'll pour.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: A big shot of that, Father.


"M*A*S*H: Where There's a Will, There's a War (#10.16)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: To Erin Hunnicutt, I leave a list of all the young men your daddy took care of while he was in Korea. Many of them have him to thank for being alive today. I want you to understand why he had to be away from you those first years of your life. I hope I have the chance to give you this list in person, but around here you never know.


"M*A*S*H: An Eye for a Tooth (#7.13)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Has Margaret's hair come down yet?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Ha-haa! You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her. Her eyes were spinning round like phonograph records! Hee-hee-hee! I-heh- I haven't had so much fun sin-h-ce- Ha!- since...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Since your chauffer ran over the squirrel?


"M*A*S*H: That's Show Biz (#10.1)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [upon diagnosing appendicitis] That's right up my alley, I wrote the book on the appendix. I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out.


"M*A*S*H: The Chosen People (#2.19)" (1974)
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: The mother says it is.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
Capt. Sam Pak: That's possible. You all look alike to us.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, Radar. Level. Could you be the father?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Of course I could, but I'm not. I mean, I do, but I didn't!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you admit that you know her?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sure I know her. She's from the village. I've run into her a few times.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, *once* anyway.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No! Never!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You'd better be telling the truth, Radar. They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, why would she pick on you?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Of all people.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys!


"M*A*S*H: The Consultant (#3.17)" (1975)
Major Taylor: A British artery in an American leg, eh?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Major Taylor: Probably develop an irresistible urge to drive on the left side of the road.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Quite.


"M*A*S*H: Germ Warfare (#1.11)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: I'm fine! I'm completely fine! The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ghouls. That's a nice thing to call us vampires.


"M*A*S*H: Showtime (#1.24)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not eating, Father. You know something I don't know?
Father Mulcahy: Something's troubling me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Think of me as your mother, Father.
Father Mulcahy: May I make a confession?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: As long as you don't use any real names.
Father Mulcahy: For some time now, I've been comparing the disparity of our callings - Doctor versus priest. You fellows are always able to see the end result of your work. I mean, you know immediately if you've been successful. For me, the results are far less tangible. Sometimes... most of the time... I honestly don't know whether I'm doing any good or not.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I used to have a professor in med school who always said, "God cures the patients, but the doctor takes the fee."
Father Mulcahy: Do you think that's true?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm able to do a lot of things in surgery that I'm not really good enough to do.
Father Mulcahy: Thanks, Hawkeye.


"M*A*S*H: Your Retention Please (#9.7)" (1981)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anybody.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You hear that Charles?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
[Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Quietly] So far, so good.
[Regular voice]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, you gotta be kidding!
Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Sharply] What did he say?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
[All three begin laughing again]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why, thank you, Major.
[Pierce begins making kissing noises]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
[Everyone heads for the door]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!


"M*A*S*H: The Birthday Girls (#10.11)" (1982)
Maxwell Klinger: Gentlemen, I've just had a stroke of genius.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Please keep us in suspense.
Maxwell Klinger: A calf lottery. I'll sell a hundred chances at a buck apiece. Whoever guesses the time of birth will win 50 bucks which means I'll also win 50 no matter when it's born.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Klinger, it may not be genius but I definitely think you've had a stroke.


"M*A*S*H: Heal Thyself (#8.17)" (1980)
Capt. Steven J. Newsome: I remember once, we had dead men stacked up like corkwood.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Never a dull moment, huh?


"M*A*S*H: Dear Mildred (#4.7)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after watching Radar gently approach and lasso the wild horse] If only I could do that with nurses.


"M*A*S*H: A Full Rich Day (#3.12)" (1974)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I thought you said he was dead!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [shrugs] He got better.


"M*A*S*H: Abyssinia, Henry (#3.24)" (1975)
Captain McIntyre: [rushing into the OR, shortly after Henry's departure... Trapper sees him unmasked] Radar, put a mask on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If it's about my discharge, give it to me straight! I can take it!
Radar: I have a message.
[voice breaking]
Radar: Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan... it spun in. There were no survivors.
[Margaret begins to cry softly... the surgeons continue their work in absolute silence]


"M*A*S*H: Blood and Guts (#10.12)" (1982)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [to Clayton after Nurse Lacey motions to him in Post Op] Ah, would you excuse me for one second? Uh, it's, uh, a call to the wild.
Clayton Kibbee: [Thumbs up & clicking sound he makes] Why, sure, good luck.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Walking with her over to private area] Ah, Lieutenant Lacey!... no doubt curious about tonight. I got it all planned. We'll meet at the Motor Pool at 8:00 and drive each other crazy.
Nurse Lacey: Hawkeye, I'm afraid I can't make it.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [In unsettled tone] Can't make it? No.
Nurse Lacey: I'm gonna have to take a rain check.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Your lips tell me No-No, but there's Please, Please in my eyes.
Nurse Lacey: I'm sorry, but Clay invited me to have a drink with him this evening.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Shocked] Clay? A drink of what,prune juice?
Nurse Lacey: Hawkeye, I figured you'd understand. I can go out with you anytime. Clay is only gonna be here for a few days & he is so charming and he's known so many famous people.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Sarcastically] Oh, I know... like Grover Cleveland, Voltaire, Pocahontas...
Nurse Lacey: [Interrupts] Don't tell me you're jealous.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Jealous? Oh please. I won't even dignify that with a comment.
Nurse Lacey: [Knowing he's jealous starts to leave] O-o-h.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Follows her out door ,resumes taunting] Marco Polo, Galileo, Rasputin!