Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce
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Quotes for
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: Welcome to Korea (#4.1)" (1975)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: They shoot at doctors?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Doctors, lawyers, anything, any movement.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [bullets hitting jeep] I think I just had one.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [speeding down the road] I lost my hat
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [no response] I lost my hat!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Your cookies will be next

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't look, he's had it.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We have to TRY!
[turns soldier over. Takes one look, puts soldier down, crawls short distance and vomits]

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [snipers begin shooting, as Radar finishes changing a tire] Radar, get in the Jeep!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [not wanting to abandon the equipment] This is a General's jack!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Salute it and get in!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [escorting Radar and BJ into Rosie's Bar] Forward... DRINK!

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Sir, this jeep is the property of Major General Cornell Dickering.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I don't know what you're talking about!
M.P. Lieutenant: You'll have to come with me, sir.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'd vouch for this man's character, Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Snot! Snot! Snot!

M.P. Lieutenant: Different.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
M.P. Lieutenant: The jeep is different!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes, good eye. This different jeep is definitely different. We picked this one up in Seoul. It was stolen from our CO
M.P. Lieutenant: What's his name?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Burns. Major Frank Burns. Or Ferret Face. He answers to both.

"M*A*S*H: Tuttle (#1.15)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's service record] Religion?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Atheist.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What's that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They worship trees.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Ah, a tree surgeon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing] Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes.

Voice over PA: Attention, Captain Jonathan Tuttle will report to Colonel Henry Blake. On the double! Captain Jonathan Tuttle, at once.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [coming out of surgery, hearing the announcement, turning to Trapper] Shall we go back inside and build one?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's profile] Now something for Hotlips. Height: 6 foot 4. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair: Auburn. Eyes: Hazel...
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I think I'm in love.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone, there's a little Tuttle left in all of us, in fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He was my imaginary childhood friend.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You had an imaginary childhood friend?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, if anybody said, who knocked over the garbage? I'd say Tuttle. Who broke the window? Tuttle. Who wet the bed?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Tuttle!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He had no control.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: So when you got drafted...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tuttle got drafted.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: In case you wet your cot.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [accosting Hawkeye after he observes him picking up Tuttle's mail] THAT is addressed to Capt. Tuttle.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good, Frank. You read well enough to be a druggist!
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Where is he?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who, Tuttle? He's in post-op, I'm going to drop this off for him.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, well I can do that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, that's very kind of you, Frank. That certainly belies all the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, meanspirited, overbearing fusspot you are.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: It certainly does!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Then I'll stop spreading it!

"M*A*S*H: Last Laugh (#6.3)" (1977)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hawkeye, the tent is spinning around.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Which way?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Clockwise.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Mine's going counter-clockwise. Maybe together we're sober.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [of Margaret] She's no fun when Donald's relaxed.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: General, I have not seen this hat, as long as my head has lived.
General Fox: Put it on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [BJ puts on the hat which goes down around his nose] That's his hat all right.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He'll be walking back here in about 20 minutes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Walking back?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The only thing gassed up in that Jeep was us.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [defending BJ] He never left camp. We had a company sock wash.
General Fox: Colonel, were you a part of this company sock wash?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: No. That was, uh, for the younger crowd.

"M*A*S*H: Lil (#7.3)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Trying to find out what BJ stands for] What if I guess your name?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Fine.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Belvidere Jehosaphat?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Still trying to guess what BJ stands for] Was your mother Spanish?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: No.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That eliminates Benito Juarez.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Coercing Radar to open BJ's personal file] For Pete's sake, Colonel Rayburn is right behind that door. What if she walks in on us?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Okay, I'll marry you...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who would name their kid BJ?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: My mother, Bee Honeycut, and my father, Jay Honeycut.

"M*A*S*H: The General Flipped at Dawn (#3.1)" (1974)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after General Steele dances out of a court marshal hearing singing a song] I take it we don't have to leave.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Only the general does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, in a rubber truck.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Man. More stuff's coming in from headquarters. New orders, regulations. Read that first one, Radar.
Radar: Uh, yes sir. Uh, the winners of the model yacht race at the cesspool are...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not that, Radar!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nah, let him read it! I haven't seen a sports page in months!
Radar: First place went to Pvt. Norman Polanski with his yacht, the American Beauty Dream. Corncob construction, with toilet paper sails.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, that Polanski has the sea in his blood.
Radar: Second prize to Corporal Timothy McInerney for his clipper, the Evangeline, carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago.
Trapper: Hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.
Radar: The remainder of the contestants didn't finish due to a sudden undertow after breakfast.

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insubordinate!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right!
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insolent!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right! And you're nuts!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [arguing about General Steele's orders to move the camp closer to the front line] I can't just disobey orders! The guy's a 2 star general!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah. but he's a 3-star looney!

"M*A*S*H: The Army-Navy Game (#1.20)" (1973)
Maj. Frank Burns: There's an unexploded shell out there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We know, Frank, we know.
Maj. Frank Burns: We've got to evacuate immediately!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I did.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
[Trapper cuts the wires]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But first, remove the fuse.
[pause. Everyone exchanges panciked looks. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Psst. Psst.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: It stopped ticking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's get the hell outta here. We've only got two minutes, maybe ...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are those the right instructions, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I hope so.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I hope so, too. Otherwise I'm coming back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.

Colonel Hersh: [about an unexploded bomb at the 4077] Do you have any stethoscopes around?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We're a medical unit!

"M*A*S*H: The Novocaine Mutiny (#4.20)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: I don't believe you did it. Officers don't steal.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We don't go to the toilet either.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We just explode when we're 50.
[Radar looks up, concerned]

Maj. Frank Burns: [during a practice bug out that Frank has ordered]
[blows whistle]
Maj. Frank Burns: Chop, chop! Get the lead out! This is a war you know!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: See? I told you this was a war, but you said we were both dreaming.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How could we be in each other's dreams?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How could I be in Korea? More importantly, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?

Colonel Carmichael: [after Radar explains helping Frank search Klinger's tent] This Cpl. Klinger, she's a nurse?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [laughs briefly] Oh, no, sir.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: If I may, Colonel, Cpl Klinger is a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. To that end he dresses, erm...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In dresses.
Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a section 8?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: The man does his job, I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Unless Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We all do.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If only I'd known.

"M*A*S*H: The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (#5.6)" (1976)
Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
[everyone closes and covers their eyes]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [about Flagg's plan] Why don't you just drop an atomic bomb.
Colonel Flagg: Don't try to make friends now.

Maj. Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're only off by two letters.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!

"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)
Pratt: If I ask the colonel to see the major's file and they're cosubversives, they'll pull the old dossier switch-a-roo, and I'll chalk up a zilch.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Boy I wish you came with English subtitles.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He means he's gonna break into Frank's file tonight. Right?
Pratt: It's called breaking and entering.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's a good thing your a cop. Otherwise, that's illegal.

Vinnie Pratt: If I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash then got out and hit himself with a hammer.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: You're kidding.
Vinnie Pratt: A switch on the way he infiltrated the CID last year: drove his jeep into a wall, then set himself on fire.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Is this guy available for children's parties?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."

"M*A*S*H: Depressing News (#9.12)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Upon seeing the dozens of tongue depressor boxes] Oh, new neighbors must be moving into that vacant tent down the block.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Gee, I hope they have some kids my age.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Half a million tongue depressors. Do you know how depressing that is?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Why do you always see the olive-drab side of things? The Army didn't intend to send them all here. You ever heard of a snafu?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Snafu, phooey. We wouldn't have this supply if they didn't think there would be a demand. Tongue depressors, doctors, soldiers...we're all the same.
[Picks up a depressor]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Trapper John goes. No problem, there's plenty more where he came from.
[Tosses it aside and picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: B.J. Hunnicut. Same size, same shape.
[Picks up two more]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank Burns out, Winchester in. Only a hair's difference.
[Picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry Blake...
[snaps it in half]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Rest in peace, Henry. In coming, Sherman Potter.
[sighs]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: My God. Hasn't this elimination tournament gone on long enough?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: [Regarding Hawk's 'Foundation of the Washington Monument'] Excuse my impertinence, but if all these sticks were laid end to end... and they are... what would they be?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They would be... and are... the foundation for the Washington Monument.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Don't they already have one of those some place?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That on commemorates Washington the man, who crossed the Delaware and gave his wooden teeth. This one commemorates Washington the place, which sends us across the Pacific and gives us wooden legs.

"M*A*S*H: No Sweat (#9.11)" (1981)
Klinger: Anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, get on the phone and tell I-CORPS to get a helicopter out here first thing in the morning.
Klinger: The colonel's the only one who can authorize that.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: So get him to authorize it.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And as soon as you do that, get over to B.J.'s house and clean out his gutters.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They said "join the army and see the world", so here I am in Korea, removing Chinese metal from an American soldier in a Turkish bath. How are you doing, giggles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Bitterly] How should I be doing?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'll have to excuse Andry Grump, ladies, he can't get his mind out of the gutter.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Describing a would-be handyman, while Margaret, with severe prickly heat, is rubbing her behind against the edge of a table] ...With a skin tight T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, better looking than Errol Flynn. She's only human, you know. First it's the gutters, then he says, "Is there anything else I can do, Mrs. Hunnicut?" And she says, "Well for starters, you can call me Peg".
[stares at Margaret]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Follows B.J.'s glance towards Margaret, then turns back to nurse] Some fun, huh, Joanne? Over here we got a guy who's losing his marbles, and over there, a woman who's slipping on them.
[Margaret stops dead]

"M*A*S*H: What's Up, Doc? (#6.19)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Consoling Margaret] If you count irritability, you've been pregnant since I've known you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The test is for Major Houlihan
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: You're pregnant sir?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Learn to knock first, we have a naked bunny in here.

"M*A*S*H: It Happened One Night (#4.3)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Go wake up the colonel.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: At this hour? I can't do that.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger you're fine. It's just a scratch.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh, this is it! Goodbye Harry, Rita. I'm comin' Uncle Jake!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could you at least bleed?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is wrong with you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's multing.

Maj. Frank Burns: [whispers near patient] He's Chinese.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You don't have to whisper, Frank. He knows he's Chinese Frank.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad, Again (#1.18)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Abe Lincoln.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Abe Lincoln who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't you know me?
[laughs hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: That's awful.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Wait, can I do another one?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: No!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thomas Jefferson.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Thomas Jefferson who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was Abe Lincoln just here?
[laughs even more hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I've never liked you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing a letter to his dad] It's very quiet at the moment, Dad. The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly, an amazing kid. I've never put much stock in E.S.P. but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind Radar has that ability, the little fink.
[Radar passes by]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Is that a nice thing to say?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger comes into the Swamp wearing a white wedding dress] Uh, Klinger... do you mind a little constructive criticism?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: First of all, it's gorgeous. It's easy to go overboard with one of those things, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thank you, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Just one suggestion: You must wear a slip! With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Of course! And I've got so many slips in my tent.

"M*A*S*H: The Ringbanger (#1.16)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [hoodwinking Major Houlihan as to why he and Trapper are keeping Colonel Brighton from returning to his unit] Buzz Brighton has lost all confidence in himself. Not just as an officer; as a man!
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: This morning there were tears on his pillow.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The bigger they are, you know. More than once they found Patton sobbing inside his tank.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Once he showed up at an air raid in high heels.
Col. Buzz Brighton: You mean he's a...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: But a good surgeon.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: And nurse!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And drink your milk.
Col. Buzz Brighton: What milk?
[Radar sneaks a glass of milk into the tent]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Why THAT milk you were asking for all morning.

"M*A*S*H: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (#1.17)" (1973)
Henry Blake: Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place. I don't understand that.
Henry Blake: Well, Gillis was your friend. I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh, you know.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Henry Blake: Because you're a doctor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The hell does that mean?
Henry Blake: I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one.

Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry Blake: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry Blake: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry Blake: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

[Radar interrupts Hawkeye's date with Lt. Griffin]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: It's not Hot Lips, it's Radar.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Peggy (#4.10)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: He does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery.

[last lines]
Lt.: [paces back and forth outside post-op, then sits down on a bench, then begins to kneel in prayer when the door opens - turns] Is he going to make it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, we could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again!
Maj. Frank Burns: Twerp!
Local Koreans (uncredited): [on Hawkeye's cue] You tell 'em, Ferret-face!

nurse: [worried about the strenuousness of piling people into jeep] Could I get a hernia?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Certainly. But rent one first, see if you like it.

"M*A*S*H: Iron Guts Kelly (#3.4)" (1974)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [answering phone] MASH 4077th, Colonel Blake here. When? How? Wow!
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [curious about the phone call] What is it?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [covers phone] Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Was anyone hurt? Yeah? Yeah.
[covers phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance, they're ok, but the General's dead. He's been killed.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Who? Kelly?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly's been killed!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'd think the girls would have broken his fall!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Lord, he was just here! Well, what's he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick!
Colonel Wortman: [takes phone from Col. Blake] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.
Colonel Wortman: [covers phone] I'll provide the fighting.
[on phone]
Colonel Wortman: Get on with it!
[talking to Radar again]
Colonel Wortman: Get me Kimpo Air base. I want a squadron of jets. And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled bannered death.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [walks over to talk to Hawkeye and Trapper] Hey guys.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yes, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's right, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?
Colonel Wortman: [on phone] And rockets! I want plenty of rockets!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's for the red glare.

Colonel Wortman: Is the General ill?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hes dead.
Colonel Wortman: Dead? He cant be dead!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Look we both studied dead, and this man is dead.
Colonel Wortman: Well how did it happen?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Mitocardial Infarction.
Colonel Wortman: What does that mean?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It means his pearl handled guns are up for grabs now.

"M*A*S*H: Picture This (#10.20)" (1982)
Charles: Pierce, day time is for talking. Night time is for sleeping.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Forget it.
B.J.: Look, we're over here fighting for democracy. All those in favor of turning off the light, say "Aye". Aye!
Charles: Aye.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown. I will turn off this light when, and only when, I get to the end of this book.
Charles: Very well, Pierce.
[Gets out of bed, walks over to Hawkeye, picks up his book and tears off the last few pages and back cover, then hands it back to him]
Charles: You are now at the end of your book.
[Turns off light]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Turns light back on] Just a minute!
[a pillow is hurled at him]

Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Uh, Captain, your friends over THERE wanted me to tell you there is an empty seat OVER there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's fine by me. I'm in better company alone.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You guys are really on the outs, huh?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do you have any idea how tough it is to live in the same shoebox with a couple of irrational jackasses?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Yeah, I know. They were just complaining how tough it is to live with ONE.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What a rotten thing to say.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't know, moving out of The Swamp seems a little drastic. I was thinking more along the lines of a murder/suicide kind of thing.

"M*A*S*H: For the Good of the Outfit (#2.4)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why couldn't you let him sign?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let him? We begged him! We pleaded with him to do the right thing.

"M*A*S*H: Potter's Retirement (#6.22)" (1978)
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Here's a letter from Klinger to his draft board.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Is it ticking?

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [as Hawkeye prepares to open a letter] You're not going to tear into that are you?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: It's all right. We're doctors.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right. I'll open. He'll close.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Sis (#7.14)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I understand the cook made us a traditional Christmas dinner.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Right, turkey on shingles with cranberry sausage.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [B.J. is dressed as Santa Claus] Listen, fella, I've actually seen Santa Claus. I sat on his lap once. And I'm here to tell you, you ain't him.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How can you tell, Virginia?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well in the first place, is that a brown mustache or are you eating a mouse?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella. Buzz off.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Gee. whatever happened to 'ho ho ho'?

"M*A*S*H: Nurse Doctor (#8.7)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I have stuffing that's just aching to be hugged.
Father Francis Mulcahy: What can I say, Hawkeye. Some guys got it and some guys don't.

"M*A*S*H: Fade Out, Fade In (#6.1)" (1977)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
Charles: You may.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?

"M*A*S*H: Trick or Treatment (#11.2)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Rather than sing, Super Mouth, why not try leaping off a tall building in a single bound?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can't help it, Charles. My voice is more powerful than a locomotive.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How do you feel?
Private Scala: I'll live.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You sure will. Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethescope?

"M*A*S*H: A Night at Rosie's (#7.23)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [pouring beer into a bowl with Rice Krispies, then smiling] Listen to that... snap, crackle and burp.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: By the way, it's not July 4th. It's like, August 10th.
Dorsett: Whaddya know? I've been plastered for 5 weeks! That's a new record!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In Honolulu, maybe, but not here.

"M*A*S*H: The Colonel's Horse (#5.11)" (1976)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [knocking on Margaret's door] Fuller Brush Man. I have a special today. A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Waking up Hawkeye because of her hot appendix] Pulse is rapid, temperature's up. I can't stand it anymore.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm ready. Your tent or my father's Chevy?

"M*A*S*H: Exorcism (#5.12)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [about Koreans] Savages!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Frank, those "savages" were printing with movable type in 1403.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's right. I was in 1402 and didn't get a wink of sleep all night.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye attempts to perform an exorcism] Acetylsalicylic, Phenobarb and Arsafenamin.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Frank walks from the building] My God, it works.

"M*A*S*H: Payday (#3.22)" (1975)
Nurse Baker: Captain Pierce, you dance divinely.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: My parents made me take divine lessons.
Nurse Baker: Smart parents.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton.

Captain Sloan: I'm Captain Sloan, Supervising Acc-Fin.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: "Acc-Fin?"
Captain Sloan: Accounting and Finance.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh. I'm Hawkeye Pierce, aggravated Doc-Surge.

"M*A*S*H: Soldier of the Month (#4.12)" (1975)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: She hit me right on the chin!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Really? How did she find it?

Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can I tell you a secret? Promise not to tell?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Cross our cardiograms.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [proudly] Margaret and I are dating.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [awkwardly] Oh... huh.

"M*A*S*H: Mr. and Mrs. Who? (#8.9)" (1979)
Shaw: Have you got it too, doctor?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, my pain is self-inflicted.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's suffering from bottle fatigue.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: A victim of hand to mouth combat.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are you serious about this girl, or is it a case of two Majors that pass-out in the night?

"M*A*S*H: Major Ego (#7.8)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce! Ignore them, captain. I assume that you'll want to start with some biographical information?
Capt. Tom Greenleigh: Well, I really don't have room for that. Just the facts.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, you w- of course. Well, I was born in upper Boston, where my family had lived for five generations...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a modest, 20-room log cabin.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Due to my background and breeding, it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools: Choate, Harvard...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery...

Cpl.: [dressed up like Bette Davis] What a dump!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The decorator's here.

"M*A*S*H: Bulletin Board (#3.16)" (1975)
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Trapper and Hawkeye are talking during the movie] Do you two mind! It's Shirley Temple!
Trapper: You know she's not really a kid, Radar.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, her parents stunted her growth. Made her sleep in a short bed and smoke.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy.

"M*A*S*H: Bottle Fatigue (#8.16)" (1980)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, Lt. Mendenhall, as I live a breathe heavily.

"M*A*S*H: Bananas, Crackers and Nuts (#1.7)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] What's this funny business?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's nothing funny to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where'd you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You can't have any.
Maj. Frank Burns: Fine. But where did you get it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: From the North Korean.
Maj. Frank Burns: North Korean? What North Korean?
[beat]
Maj. Frank Burns: You mean the one that...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's right. The one that bit it.
[Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [outraged] You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!
[Trapper moves forward and slaps Hawkeye across the face]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't think I needed that.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Radar, take him back to the Swamp and make sure he takes the BLUE pills.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Frank] Flithy liver thief!

"M*A*S*H: Comrades in Arms: Part 2 (#6.13)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: With the exception of one small moment of glory in the operating room, it was for them a total disaster.
[pause]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Why are you smiling?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who's smiling? I'm not smiling.
[to BJ]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why are you smiling?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I'm not smiling.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Col. Potter] Why are you smiling?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm not smiling. This is serious.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: All right, I'll do it. But when I come back there better not be any smiling.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut, Col. Sherman T. Potter: Who's smiling?

"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Flagg] You're gonna lose your magic decoder ring for this one!

"M*A*S*H: The Price (#7.17)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Radar providing translation] Does he understand English?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'll find out. Do you speak English?
Ham: Yes.

"M*A*S*H: The Gun (#4.13)" (1975)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: Radar is innocent until proven guilty.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right.
Major Franklin Marion Burns: But he - and only he - seems entitled to that consideration.
[leaves OR]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Don't you hate it when he's right?

"M*A*S*H: The Tooth Shall Set You Free (#10.14)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Winchester groans like a cow] B.J dont forget it's your turn to milk Charles in the morning

"M*A*S*H: Movie Tonight (#5.21)" (1977)
Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

"M*A*S*H: As You Were (#2.20)" (1974)
[Hot Lips and Frank enter The Swamp to find Trapper and Hawkeye dressed in gorilla suits]
Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce? McIntyre?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What is it, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Take off those masks!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Take off those suits!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: We will if you will.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where did you get those costumes?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes?
Maj. Frank Burns: The costumes you're wearing!
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: These aren't costumes. We stopped shaving last month.

"M*A*S*H: Guerilla My Dreams (#8.3)" (1979)
Lt. Hung Lee Park: You have done your duty. Now, I must do mine.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angrily] You son of a bitch!

"M*A*S*H: The Joker Is Wild (#11.4)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's the slop de jour?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: This here's carrots and peas.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, succo-trash.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Actually, sir, they're pretty good today. I highly recommend them.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What about this stuff?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: The beans, I wouldn't give them to my neighbor's dog. In fact, they're so old, they're has-beans.
[laughs like crazy]

"M*A*S*H: Mad Dogs and Servicemen (#3.13)" (1974)
Major Franklin Marion Burns: [about the paralyzed kid] It's disgraceful, a US solder crawling on the ground.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Tell that to the infantry, Frank...

"M*A*S*H: Yessir, That's Our Baby (#8.15)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, my compliments to Zale on making that cradle.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hey, the handle part was my idea.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Congratulations, Klinger. This might mean a Nobel Prize. You have invented 'the stick'.

"M*A*S*H: Wheelers and Dealers (#10.5)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [opening his mail package] Hey look, a polaroid!
Cpl.: Looks like a camera to me.

"M*A*S*H: No Laughing Matter (#9.13)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Over P.A. system] Attention all personnel, it's now 12:01, which means it's no longer today, it's tomorrow. This is Benjamin Franklin Berle livening up your dead of night. Thanks to B.J. Hunnicut, I had a brief bout with jokus interruptus, but now I'm back to abnormal. So bare with me while I take care of some unfinished business. Hey Igor, keeper of the public ptomaine, before you go to bed, don't forget to walk tomorrow's breakfast. And let me tell you something, Margaret: you always talk about the leather but you never do anything about it. You know - you know what I mean? And a big hello to Charles, our chief procurement officer. I guess you found out you can't get to Tokyo on the layaway plan. You know? Heh heh. And the ever-popular Horace Baldwin, hereby awarded the fig leaf cluster for service above and beneath the call of duty. Ha ha ha ha. But seriously -...

"M*A*S*H: Life with Father (#3.8)" (1974)
Nurse Baker: Shall I diaper, Doctor?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes, and then the baby.

"M*A*S*H: The Billfold Syndrome (#7.5)" (1978)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [Drunk out of his mind and listening to Hawkeye and BJ make fun of him losing his position at Massachusetts General] Is that what you think... Beej? Is that what all you cretins think?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Did you hear something that sounded like Charles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: The mummy speaks!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Indeed, and I'm going to rise from this hideous tomb and leave all you relics behind.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Going somewhere Charles?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You bet your beer soaked brain I am.
[Holds up piece of paper]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Read this and weep. This is from the Massachusetts General Hospital, see
[mumbling drunk]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Mahahuhet genel hopital. You are looking at the next chief of thoracic surgery
[hiccups on thorasic]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: . Gentlemen, eat my DUST!
[throws paper down with a sinister grin]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, we got him to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That's nothing, I can make him yell. Charles, uh, I wouldn't pack my bags just yet
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No... uh... see... Beej and I sort of... uh... well... know about... your news
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You read my telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Read your-oh heavens no.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We would never read your telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We wrote it.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You wrote that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well I have to admit it's not the nicest thing we've ever done, but you have to realize that you challenged us!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: There was no other way to get you to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We don't like to lose Charles.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Especially to you.

"M*A*S*H: Hawkeye Get Your Gun (#5.10)" (1976)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Fire that weapon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: All right.
[to gun]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're fired.
[to Col. Potter]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I did it as gently as I could.

"M*A*S*H: House Arrest (#3.18)" (1975)
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I've never been to a rape before.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Maybe for your next birthday.

"M*A*S*H: Tea and Empathy (#6.17)" (1978)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Is that still your first patient Winchester? I'm on my third.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's probably running his credit.

"M*A*S*H: An Eye for a Tooth (#7.13)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Has Margaret's hair come down yet?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Ha-haa! You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her. Her eyes were spinning round like phonograph records! Hee-hee-hee! I-heh- I haven't had so much fun sin-h-ce- Ha!- since...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Since your chauffer ran over the squirrel?

"M*A*S*H: The Smell of Music (#6.15)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's it! The irresistible force is about to polish off the immovable object.

"M*A*S*H: Patent 4077 (#6.16)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Sgt. Zale's prototype clamp malfunctions, and won't loosen from Hawkeye's hand] I am now *officially* in EXTREME PAIN. Don't believe me?
[screams loudly]

"M*A*S*H: That's Show Biz (#10.1)" (1981)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [upon diagnosing appendicitis] That's right up my alley, I wrote the book on the appendix. I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out.

"M*A*S*H: The Consultant (#3.17)" (1975)
Major Taylor: A British artery in an American leg, eh?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Major Taylor: Probably develop an irresistible urge to drive on the left side of the road.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Quite.

"M*A*S*H: Germ Warfare (#1.11)" (1972)
Maj. Frank Burns: I'm fine! I'm completely fine! The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ghouls. That's a nice thing to call us vampires.

"M*A*S*H: Sticky Wicket (#1.21)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You’re not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thanks. You know something Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.

"M*A*S*H: Dear Mildred (#4.7)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after watching Radar gently approach and lasso the wild horse] If only I could do that with nurses.

"M*A*S*H: A Full Rich Day (#3.12)" (1974)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I thought you said he was dead!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [shrugs] He got better.

"M*A*S*H: The Merchant of Korea (#6.14)" (1977)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Charles, how come you never sweat?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: In the first place, I do not sweat; I perspire. In the second place, I never perspire.

"M*A*S*H: Are You Now, Margaret? (#8.2)" (1979)
Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Of course not, only if they're sick.

"M*A*S*H: War of Nerves (#6.4)" (1977)
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [after Hawkeye and BJ put a cot on the bonfire] How can you do that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's just a thing. It has no intrinzic value.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides, it's yours.

"M*A*S*H: Peace on Us (#7.2)" (1978)
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Come on, join hands. Everybody join hands and say, 'Howdy!' Come on. It's just one little word. You mean you can't even get together on one little word? What's the matter here? I don't understand. You know what to do why can't you just do it? People are dying out there! You've got to stop it! You can't wait anymore! You can't!

"M*A*S*H: Give 'Em Hell, Hawkeye (#10.4)" (1981)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: I just received this letter from my superior at HQ.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I didn't know there was a "Father Superior".

"M*A*S*H: Dear Sigmund (#5.7)" (1976)
Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up on his bed after overhearing a conversation] Well, well...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, I thought that lump under his covers was dirty laundry.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It is.

"M*A*S*H: Cowboy (#1.8)" (1972)
[about the golf course he and Trapper set up on the camp]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: It's a par 29.

"M*A*S*H: The Price of Tomato Juice (#4.15)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Major Burns] You're gonna get the distinguished stingy cross.

"M*A*S*H: Pressure Points (#10.15)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The gravy was better than usual tonight... you could cut it with a fork.

"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Cruel World (#8.21)" (1980)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right over here Klinger, I'm all dressed up with no where to sew.

"M*A*S*H: Hey, Doc (#4.5)" (1975)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel, about the sniper...
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm working at my desk, and Radar is scared.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do something about it.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I can work twice as hard; Radar can you be twice as scared?

"M*A*S*H: Old Soldiers (#8.18)" (1980)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Pearce you can really pack it in.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well I've always enjoyed having breakfast in bedlam.

"M*A*S*H: Inga (#7.16)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How dare you do that to me in front of a room full of people! I have to work with them!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You'll work with them a lot better when you start treating them like people.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't hand me that baloney. You're not standing up for her as a woman, you're really jealous of her, aren't you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Jealous of her?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Olive green.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Over you? Don't be an ass! You think everything revolves around you and your spectacular body, don't you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're raving.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You think a woman is dead until she lives for you. Well, let me tell you something, Benjamin Franklin, we actually survive without you. We live, we breathe, we dream, we do our work, we earn our pay, sometimes we even have our little failures, and then we pull ourselves together all without benefit of your fabulous electric lips! And let me tell you something else, buster. I can walk into that kitchen anytime I want, and replace those fabulous lips of yours with a soggy piece of liver!

"M*A*S*H: Bombed (#3.15)" (1975)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [as he is being pulled from a bombed latrine, a dazed Father Mulcahy recounts a childhood memory] Sis and I picked these apples from under the tree. I remember, I said "You can't make a pie out of crabapples!" And she said, "I learned how in the girl scouts."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: She used brown sugar, and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Get him back to his tent, let him rest.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Mommy came into the kitchen and said "What the hell is going on in here?"
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [thinking that the dress-wearing Cpl. Klinger is his mother] I remember Mommy. You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear!

"M*A*S*H: The More I See You (#4.22)" (1976)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [delivering welcome basket to nurses] The mess tent is right across the street.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Dinner is at 7.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nausea is at 8.

"M*A*S*H: Officers Only (#2.15)" (1973)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major Burns is ready to assist.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What do you think I'm doing? Stalling 'til my room is ready?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon!

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad... Three (#2.9)" (1973)
Captain John McIntyre: Understand you're in need of a medical man here.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I see you couldn't find one.

"M*A*S*H: Foreign Affairs (#11.3)" (1982)
[Martine invites Charles to sit with her after rebuffing Hawkeye]
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What did he try that I didn't?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Maybe sincerity?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Sincerity? I could fake that.

"M*A*S*H: B. J. Papa San (#7.15)" (1979)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] Figaro, figaro figaro figaro. Shave and a haircut, two bits.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Oh, is that where that's from?

"M*A*S*H: Hawk's Nightmare (#5.13)" (1976)
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Some people have extra sensory perception.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I knew you were gonna say that.

"M*A*S*H: Where There's a Will, There's a War (#10.16)" (1982)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: To Erin Hunnicutt, I leave a list of all the young men your daddy took care of while he was in Korea. Many of them have him to thank for being alive today. I want you to understand why he had to be away from you those first years of your life. I hope I have the chance to give you this list in person, but around here you never know.

"M*A*S*H: Lt. Radar O'Reilly (#5.4)" (1976)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Insanity is just a state of mind.

"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips Is Back in Town (#7.19)" (1979)
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Tell your nurses not to be afraid to carry litters if they have to. Some of them are stronger than I am.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can I have names?

"M*A*S*H: The Chosan People (#2.19)" (1974)
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: The mother says it is.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
Capt. Sam Pak: That's possible. You all look alike to us.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, Radar. Level. Could you be the father?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Of course I could, but I'm not. I mean, I do, but I didn't!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you admit that you know her?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sure I know her. She's from the village. I've run into her a few times.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, *once* anyway.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No! Never!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You'd better be telling the truth, Radar. They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, why would she pick on you?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Of all people.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys!

"M*A*S*H: Showtime (#1.24)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not eating, Father. You know something I don't know?
Father Mulcahy: Something's troubling me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Think of me as your mother, Father.
Father Mulcahy: May I make a confession?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: As long as you don't use any real names.
Father Mulcahy: For some time now, I've been comparing the disparity of our callings - Doctor versus priest. You fellows are always able to see the end result of your work. I mean, you know immediately if you've been successful. For me, the results are far less tangible. Sometimes... most of the time... I honestly don't know whether I'm doing any good or not.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I used to have a professor in med school who always said, "God cures the patients, but the doctor takes the fee."
Father Mulcahy: Do you think that's true?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm able to do a lot of things in surgery that I'm not really good enough to do.
Father Mulcahy: Thanks, Hawkeye.

"M*A*S*H: Heal Thyself (#8.17)" (1980)
Capt. Steven J. Newsome: I remember once, we had dead men stacked up like corkwood.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Never a dull moment, huh?

"M*A*S*H: Abyssinia, Henry (#3.24)" (1975)
Captain McIntyre: [rushing into the OR, shortly after Henry's departure...Trapper sees him unmasked] Radar, put a mask on!
Radar: I have a message.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If it's about my discharge, give it to me straight! I can take it!
Radar: [voice breaking] Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan...it spun in. There were no survivors.
[Margaret begins to cry softly...the surgeons continue their work in absolute silence]