Quotes for
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen (#11.16)" (1983)

[last lines]
B.J.: I'll see you back in the States, I promise. But just in case, I left you a note.
Hawkeye: What?
[the helicopter that Hawkeye is seated in takes off, and he looks down at the note that Hunnicutt spelled out with stones: "GOODBYE"]

Hawkeye: I can't say I've loved you all, either... but I've loved as many of you as I could.

Hawkeye: Colonel, before you go...
B.J.: We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you.
Hawkeye: It's not much, but it comes from the heart.
[Hawkeye and Hunnicutt snap to attention, and for the first time salute Colonel Potter. Potter, very slowly and militarily, returns their salute]

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.
Hawkeye: [operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.
B.J.: And two.
Col. Potter: Three.
Maj. Winchester: Four.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: And there's twelve more out in the hall.

Jeep Driver: Looks like it'll all be over before too long, huh, Captain?
Hawkeye: Not a century too soon.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You holding up okay?
Hawkeye: All things considered.
[an explosion occurs]
Hawkeye: Most things considered.

Col. Potter: [after a third consecutive explosion] Okay, that's three - let's see if there's any damage.
[Another explosion occurs immediately]
Hawkeye: That was a hell of a short intermission. I didn't even have time to buy an orange drink.

[an explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.
Father Mulcahy: Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?
Maj. Winchester: Good question... again.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?
Col. Potter: I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.
[Another explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: Or maybe a third.
Hawkeye: Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!

[an explosion occurs]
Hawkeye: Okay, boys and girls, time to do something intelligent.
[He stands up]
Hawkeye: Since I seem to be the only intelligent person here, I nominate me, all in favor, say aye.
Col. Potter: Take your seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Uh-uh, sorry, sorry, I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take five.
[He walks out of the O.R]

[Hawkeye drives the tank into the "4077th trash dump," in an attempt to prevent bombshell explosions from coming so close to the 4077th unit. Some of the members applaud]
Hawkeye: I don't know why I always have to take out the trash.
[Some of the members laugh]
Father Mulcahy: I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature.
Col. Potter: I'm putting in a call to Sidney.

B.J.: Ah, I wanted to leave you a note before I left, I just didn't have the time.
Hawkeye: I didn't even know you were gone. I thought you were in the bathroom.

B.J.: A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.
Hawkeye: For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?
[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]
Hawkeye: What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.
Nurses: Oh, yeah.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?
Col. Potter: Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?
Maj. Winchester: I am looking forward to a hemostat.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.
Maj. Winchester: Sponge.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.
Maj. Winchester: Don't you?
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?
Maj. Winchester: Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.
Maj. Winchester: Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.

B.J.: Want a sandwich?
Hawkeye: What's in it?
B.J.: Let's see - cucumbers, watercress, a little French mayonnaise.
Hawkeye: Is the crust cut off?
B.J.: No.
Hawkeye: Forget it.

Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Well, I don't love you all - some of you still owe me money. Which I really need it - because I plan to open up a business when I get back to Louisiana. There's big money in this - I'm gonna breed frogs for French restaurants.
Hawkeye: Here, go buy yourself a frog.
[He tosses a wad of money toward Rizzo]

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.
Hawkeye: Yay!
B.J.: Congratulations!
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.
Hawkeye: You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.

Hawkeye: So long, kiddo, I'm gonna miss you.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Me too, captain - I'm sure glad you're feeling okay now.
Hawkeye: Couldn't be better.
[He "honks" Klinger's nose]
Hawkeye: Honk-honk. You have to have that tuned.

Hawkeye: Father, I may never see you again, and before you go, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. Your shirt's on backwards.

[Winchester kisses Houlihan's hand]
B.J.: Hold on to that arm, Charles. We want to kiss it, too.
Hawkeye: You take the arm, I got dibs on what's left.

Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] So, uh, listen...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Yeah.
[They kiss for thirty-four seconds]
Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Well, so long.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] See ya.

A soldier: Timber!
[He and some other soldiers take down a tent]
Maj. Winchester: How I wish I could have swung the axe.
Hawkeye: Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.
Maj. Winchester: Oh, don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.

[a helicopter is started up]
Hawkeye: It sounds like my cab is here.
B.J.: Yeah.

[Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other]
Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
B.J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU.
Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
B.J.: ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
B.J.: I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.

Dr. Sidney Freedman: Yesterday, you were going to tell me about that day at the beach.
Hawkeye: It was great, very hot. A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you. And you know, carcinomas can result from that. You know, this of course would concern me as a physician.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'd like to get back to the beach.
Hawkeye: Hey, go ahead, take the rest of the day off.

Hawkeye: [answering the phone in the psychiatric ward] Y-ello. Snake pit, we never close.

B.J.: [on the phone] Hawk, it's B.J., how you doing?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] How the hell do you think I'm doing? I've been locked up for the last week in a wacketeria.
B.J.: Well, listen, Sydney's the doctor.
Hawkeye: [to Dr. Sydney Freedman] You want a laugh? He's says, you're the doctor.
[to B.J.]
Hawkeye: I'm the doctor. I sew people back together. Why is he keeping a brilliant surgeon locked up? I mean, what's behind that?

Father Mulcahy: [on the phone] Hello, Hawkeye. Need anything? Can we send you anything down to you?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Yeah, how about a band-aid for my finger? I got a blister from going
[strumming his lips]
Hawkeye: blblblblbl...

Col. Potter: [on the phone] Pierce, we miss you here.
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] I miss me there, too. It's lonely here, especially at night. I do hear the guy in the next room. He cries all night.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [on the phone] How do you feel?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Like a hostage. How about you?

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: [on the phone] What do you say, Captain?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Hello, Klinger.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me. How is it there? You crazy about the place? Ha ha ha.

Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [on the phone] Ah, you just take care of yourself, okay? We all miss you here.
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Then get me out.
[He hangs up the phone]

[there was an Armed Forces Radio broadcast about the war possibly ending very soon]
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Thank you, Dr. Freedman, I won't require your services anymore.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Where are you headed, soldier?
Hawkeye: The war is coming to an end. Everybody's on stage for the finale. If you don't mind, I'd like to exchange my straitjacket for something in a 39 normal. So if you'll call me a taxi, I'll be on my way.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: So hard to find a cab in this part of the war. Besides, I don't think you're quite ready to leave.

[Hawkeye gets a phone call in the psychiatric ward]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Good time as any for a break.
Hawkeye: Yeah, let's knock off till Christmas.

Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: If you add it all up, it comes to more than two million people killed or wounded.
Hawkeye: Now that's what I call a grand total.

Hawkeye: [furious] Keep that DAMN chicken QUIET!

Hawkeye: [writing to his father] Dear Dad, I am doing better now. You remember Sidney Freedman? He's been here all week pulling shrapnel from my memory. I think the worst is over now. Remember when I was a kid, you told me that if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders, I'd lose it? That's what happened when I saw that woman kill her baby. A baby, Dad. A baby. But Sidney says that confronting the memory is half the battle. So I'm going back to the 4077. Sort of like the criminal returning to the scene of the crime. I asked them to send me to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove, but there aren't many foxes there - only lobster. So write me care of the war, Dad. Any place I hang my scalpel is home.

[Hawkeye was telling Dr. Sidney Freedman about what he initially thought was a chicken clucking inside the bus]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Then what happened?
Hawkeye: Then I went back toward the front of the bus.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: And what happened next?
Hawkeye: There's something wrong with it. It stopped making noise. It just--just stopped.
[pauses]
Hawkeye: She-she killed it! She killed it!
Dr. Sidney Freedman: She killed the chicken?
Hawkeye: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I didn't mean for her to kill it.
[sobbing]
Hawkeye: I did not--I--I just wanted it to be quiet. It was--it was a baby! She, she smothered her own baby.
[pauses]
Hawkeye: You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.

Hawkeye: [voice over, as he was writing to his father] Dear Dad, Sorry I haven't written for a while, but I've been on R&R at this wonderful resort. We're planning to have a bridge tournament here as soon as we can find somebody with a full deck.
[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
Hawkeye: [voice over] Dear Dad, Remember when I was a kid, you always told me if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders I'd lose it? Well ...
[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
Hawkeye: [voice over] Dear Dad, For the first time I understand what a nervous disorder is, because it seems I've got one. I guess I'll be seeing you soon, because I doubt if they'll let a surgeon operate whose cheese slipped off his cracker.

Hawkeye: Time to hit the couch?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Actually, it may be time to hit the road.

Hawkeye: [to Dr. Sidney Freedman] You're sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy in the first place? Are you out of your mind?

[Col. Potter bids farewell to Hawkeye and B.J]
Col. Potter: Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at you but, inside...
[emotionally]
Col. Potter: I was laughin' to beat all Hell.
Hawkeye: Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it.
B.J.: I love a good laugh like this.

---

MASH (1970)

Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns: Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
Frank Burns: [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake.
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.

Hawkeye Pierce: Someone get that dirty old man out of this operating theater.

Colonel Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix from headquarters about you... says you stole a jeep.
Hawkeye Pierce: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.

Colonel Blake: You men just passing through?
Duke Forrest: I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
[Refferring to Lt. Dish]
Colonel Blake: Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.
Duke Forrest: Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
[whistles]
Colonel Blake: Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.
Colonel Blake: Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?
Duke Forrest: Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...
Colonel Blake: Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.

Colonel Blake: We have our slight periods here, but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civili...
Hawkeye Pierce: How many nurses do we have on the base, sir?
Colonel Blake: Seventeen.
Hawkeye Pierce: How many will be on my...?
Colonel Blake: Four... than a civilian surgeon has in a month.

Hawkeye Pierce: [Hawkeye and Duke barge in] Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.
[to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie]
Hawkeye Pierce: Pretty girl, ain't she?
Duke Forrest: Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.
Colonel Blake: Uh, what is it, men?
Hawkeye Pierce: That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.
Colonel Blake: YOUR tent?
Duke Forrest: Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.
Colonel Blake: I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.
Duke Forrest: Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.
Colonel Blake: Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.
Hawkeye Pierce: Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...
Colonel Blake: Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.
Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, there is just one more thing...
Colonel Blake: I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!
Hawkeye Pierce: A chest cutter.
Colonel Blake: Nope.
[sighs]
Colonel Blake: I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.

Hawkeye Pierce: It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.

Frank Burns: What's that?
Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.
Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.
Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.

Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body. And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye".
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.
Hotlips O'Houlihan: Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh come off it, MAJOR. You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you... You're what we call a regular army clown.

Duke Forrest: What color was her hair?
Trapper John: Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.
Duke Forrest: Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.
Hawkeye Pierce: I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.
Trapper John: Hear, hear.
Duke Forrest: Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.
Hawkeye Pierce: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
Duke Forrest: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?
Hawkeye Pierce: You have yourself a bet, sir.
[to Trapper]
Hawkeye Pierce: You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Duke Forrest: We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.

Motor Pool Sergeant: [Hawkeye approaches a Jeep and sets his bag into it] What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Hawkeye Pierce: Huh? I was just - uh...
Motor Pool Sergeant: Just because you're a captain, don't think you run the joint. I run it.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, all right, I'm just supposed to...
Motor Pool Sergeant: Yeah I know what you're supposed to do. Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now.
[Walks away]
Hawkeye Pierce: [whistles] Racist.

Painless: I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.
Hawkeye Pierce: And you wanted to be faithful to them. Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home, you're...
Painless: Well anyway, I took her out and... And I failed.
Hawkeye Pierce: You mean she wouldn't put out for you, eh?
Painless: No, she wanted to in the worst way but it was me. I just couldn't.
Hawkeye Pierce: Oh you couldn't...?
Painless: No, it just wasn't happening...

Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

Capt. Peterson: [hostile tone of voice] What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?
Hawkeye Pierce: Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all.
Capt. Peterson: You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch.
Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch.
[turns to Hakweye]
Trapper John: Ham and eggs will all right.
[turns back to Capt. Peterson]
Trapper John: Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson: [outraged] Oh!
[turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan]
Capt. Peterson: Oh! Fool!
[stomps out of ward]
Nurse in Japan: How do you want your steak cooked?

Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV: Who are you guys?
Hawkeye Pierce: I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
Trapper John: Grrrr!

[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?
Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.
[to Trapper]
Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.
[sips from his glass]
Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives?
Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?
Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.
Trapper John: Yeah but without olives,
[reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives - drops one into his glass]
Trapper John: a martini just doesn't quite make it.
[Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded at the olive]

Frank Burns: I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

Hawkeye Pierce: Duke, Henry has our orders. We can go home.
Duke Forrest: Right now?
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah. Whenever we want.
Spearchucker: [to Duke] You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?

[to Hot Lips, about Frank Burns]
Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body, and if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns... is an idiot.

Duke Forrest: Dammit, Henry, Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him he says it's "God's will" or somebody else's fault.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to belive him.

Colonel Blake: [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves] Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
Capt. Murrhardt: No, sir, first time I ever seen them.
Capt. Bandini: Maybe those are the replacements.
Colonel Blake: Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.
Capt. Bandini: I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.
Colonel Blake: They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.
[Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish]
Duke Forrest: [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends] I think I'm in love. Uh,
[raises voice]
Duke Forrest: Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.
Hawkeye Pierce: Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
Colonel Blake: Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Capt. Murrhardt: Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.

Trapper John: [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest: [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest: I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?

Duke Forrest: [In O.R] I can't stop that bleeding down there.
[to Dish]
Duke Forrest: Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp.
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Captain Pierce, did you call me?
Hawkeye Pierce: No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye.
Duke Forrest: I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze.
Hawkeye Pierce: Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider: Yes.
Hawkeye Pierce: Scratch my nose. A little harder.

Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: Anybody know if this is an officer or an enlisted man?
Hawkeye Pierce: He's an enlisted man.
Capt. 'Ugly John' Black: Make the stitches bigger.

SSgt. Vollmer: Hey, wait a minute, you can't go in the colonel's office.
Hawkeye Pierce: That's who we're looking for, babe.

Duke Forrest: [Hawkeye stands beside a Jeep. Duke assumes he is the driver] Uh, 4077 M*A*S*H?
Hawkeye Pierce: This is the Jeep, yeah.
Duke Forrest: [Sets in his bag then gets in] 'Kay, let's go, boy. Get my other bag.
Hawkeye Pierce: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Hawkeye Pierce: Here we are, Officer's Mess. Perhaps you'd like to come in and take a small repast?
Duke Forrest: I don't think I could eat after that ride you just gave me.

Trapper John: But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.
Hawkeye Pierce: Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke Forrest: Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...
Trapper John: Oh... who is...
Duke Forrest: Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye Pierce: Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
Trapper John: He's a good ball player.
Duke Forrest: Oh yeah. He's that negra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.

Hawkeye Pierce: Hot Lips, would you like to see these pictures of my kids?
Hotlips O'Houlihan: I'm not the slightest bit interested.

Hawkeye Pierce: I know how we can make some money. We leave him
[Spearchucker]
Hawkeye Pierce: out of the first half of the game, we bet half our money, they roll up some points. Now, second half of the game, we stick him in, we bet the other half of our money, we get odds from them, we clean up.
Colonel Blake: That's very good thinking, Captain.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Bus (#4.6)" (1975)

Frank Burns: We can't be lost.
Hawkeye: We are, Frank. I've been lost before and this is exactly what it looks like.

Col. Potter: What's wrong, Radar?
Radar: I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank Burns: Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye: It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J.: Now, what?
Hawkeye: We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J.: Hear, hear.
Col. Potter: Let's finish this one first, shall we?

Frank Burns: You get in the driver's seat. When I tell you to turn her over, turn her over. Roger?
Radar: Roger, Wilco.
Col. Potter: Do you know anything about engines, Major?
Frank Burns: Oh, I took a lot of shop in high school.
Hawkeye: I wouldn't take shop from anyone.

Hawkeye: [Frank taps on the bus with a screw driver, then kicks the tires] You planning to fix it or buy it, Frank?
Frank Burns: Oh, hardy-har!

Hawkeye: I think I'm getting delirious. I'm just having warm, friendly thoughts about the gourmet leftovers at the 4077 chow line.

Radar: [on a bus in the middle of nowhere] I gotta go to the latrine.
Hawkeye: Better take a hammer and nails and build one.
Radar: I'll manage.
B.J.: No wonder the trees all look familiar to him.

Col. Potter: I've been in worse spots.
Hawkeye: Have you ever tried getting dressed quietly in a dark closet with a pocket full of change?

Frank Burns: She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter: And did you oblige?
Frank Burns: I couldn't.
Col. Potter: Creep.
Frank Burns: I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J.: Miss Right?
Hawkeye: Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.

Col. Potter: Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until first light.
Frank Burns: [Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake] Oh!
Col. Potter: Easy, Burns.
Hawkeye: [Frank holds a gun] Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle.
Frank Burns: Is he back yet?
Col. Potter: No, not yet.
Frank Burns: No, huh?
Hawkeye: No, huh. That's right, huh.

Frank Burns: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're attacked by a bridge club.

Frank Burns: He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces.
Col. Potter: Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside.
Hawkeye: You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood.
Frank Burns: Boy are they clever.

Hawkeye: I'm in fine fettle. I've never felt fettler.

B.J.: Radar's radar is jammed.
Hawkeye: If it wasn't would we be here?
Frank Burns: Oh sure, blame it all on O'Reilly.
Hawkeye: You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid.
[Looks to Radar]
Hawkeye: It's nobody's fault. You know that.

Col. Potter: [Frank finds a single radio and attempts to communicate with it] Major, there have to be two of those things. Someone has to have the other one, and they have to be on your frequency.
Hawkeye: It's no fun alone, Frank.
B.J.: What is?

Frank Burns: [reminiscing about high school] ... she was a little brunette; of Jewish persuasion
[giggle]
Hawkeye: I wonder who persuaded her of that?

---

"M*A*S*H: Hepatitis (#5.19)" (1977)

Radar: Want to read Major Burns' Popular Mechanics? Sometimes the ads go pretty far.
Hawkeye: [sulking about not getting nudist magazines in the mail] Radar, a picture of a three way toilet valve doesn't go very far.

Hawkeye: [trying to take a blood sample from a violent Klinger] Look, in a physical examination, *I'm* the one who's supposed to get physical! Not you!

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye's back is hurting] I already x-rayed it! There's nothing there?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nothing! No spine! Nothing!

Hawkeye: Relax, Frank I just want to see you body.
Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, don't be a rude Rodney.
Hawkeye: Frank, there's hepatitis going around.
Maj. Frank Burns: Hepatitis!
Hawkeye: Yeah, let me look at your eyes.
Maj. Frank Burns: Are they yellow? How's my liver is it tender?
Hawkeye: How should I know it's you liver?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, feel it!
[he sprawls back on his cot]
Hawkeye: [probing Franks abdomen] How's that feel?
Maj. Frank Burns: [giggles childishly] Tickles!
Hawkeye: Frank, try to control yourself.

Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up] Well, some thing's wrong with me.
Hawkeye: Oh yeah, ever since Margaret got engaged?
Maj. Frank Burns: No! Since I've been getting shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Feel my chest.
Hawkeye: Not tonight, darling. I have a headache.
Maj. Frank Burns: And I have a lump here under the sternum and that's nt supposed to be there!
Hawkeye: [prepares to draw blood from Frank's arm] Frank, go like this.
[opens and closes his fist]
Maj. Frank Burns: Feels like a marble. Not like an aggie. More like an immie.
Hawkeye: Look, I don't have time to fee your chest for marbles. Just let me get some blood, I'll give you a shot in the behind and get out of here!

Maj. Frank Burns: Look, while you're here, will you check my arms? I think my arms are getting longer.
Hawkeye: Take two bananas and call me in the morning.
Maj. Frank Burns: Feel under my armpit.
Hawkeye: Not for five bucks!

Maj. Frank Burns: You call yourself a doctor.
Hawkeye: [preparing to give Frank a shot] Frank, for Christ sake, would you drop your driveling, your hypochondria, and your pants in that order!

Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye just gave Frank a shot in the behind] Feels like you left a rock in there!
Hawkeye: Maybe one slipped down from you head?
Maj. Frank Burns: You broke a needle off in me, didn't you?
Hawkeye: Frank, these few moments with you have contributed more to my back pain than my army cot, and that's going some
Maj. Frank Burns: If you care anything for human life, you'll feel my lumps before you go.
Hawkeye: Leave 'em under my pillow. I'll give 'em a squeeze before I go to sleep.

Hawkeye: [Margaret is letting Hawkeye give her a shot in the behind] Oh, Margaret, may I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: If you say one word!
Hawkeye: I wouldn't not a word, but if I did that word would be MAGNIFICENT, would that be bad?

Hawkeye: [Klinger threw a bowl of oranges, just missing Hawkeye who is hunched over] Fortunately for me, I'm in a permanent duck!

Hawkeye: [Radar has shared his wonder of blood tests] I'm all a tingle myself.

Radar: Well, sometimes the guys and I go over to Rosie's Bar. We really have a good time. We're laughing and joking. Talking about what we're going to do when the wars over. Then some of guys start talking to some of the business girls. And well, I feel sort of funny.
Hawkeye: What do you mean?
Radar: I feel sleepy.
Hawkeye: You think there's something wrong with you?
Radar: Is there?
Hawkeye: Radar, you're suffering from a normal case of decency.

Hawkeye: Believe me Radar, someday you're going to meet a girl that you're going to want to introduce to your mom. And instead of taking advantage of her, you'll give her something you've been saving all you're life: yourself. And believe me you won't get sleepy. You know what I mean?
Radar: [weepy] Yeah, thanks.
Hawkeye: I know this sounds like the wrong time, but would you mind dropping your pants.

---

"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips and Empty Arms (#2.14)" (1973)

Margaret: Colonel, I want a transfer.
Hawkeye: No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
Trapper: And watch your step getting off.
Margaret: And these two are at the top of my list!
Hawkeye: Hey, we finished first and second.
Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know? We're major mockers.
Henry Blake: Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.
Margaret: [scoffs] An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!
Trapper: He's not an impostor.
Hawkeye: Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.

Margaret: [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret: [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry Blake: Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper: She's tanked.
Hawkeye: A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret: Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry Blake: Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret: Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry Blake: Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret: Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry Blake: Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret: I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper: [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret: Aah, go salute yourself!

Margaret: Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
[Margaret, Hawkeye, and Trapper all drink. She makes a face]
Margaret: This stuff isn't champagne. Champagne tickles my nose.
Hawkeye: This stuff eats it away.

[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry Blake: Pretty good, huh?
Trapper: Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye: [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry Blake: What?
Hawkeye: It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye: She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret: [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry Blake: Whoops!
Margaret: That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye: Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret: It's disgusting!
Hawkeye: The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.

Margaret: [while Trapper and Hawkeye are holding her under the shower to sober her up] What are you doing?
Hawkeye: New surgical procedure. You have to scrub up from head to toe in your clothes.
Margaret: That's ridiculous! I like it!

Margaret: What's that?
Hawkeye: Shot of B1. Get you back on your feet.
Margaret: And I didn't get you anything.

Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they've made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know, we're "major" mockers.

Margaret: Frank, give them a direct order!
Hawkeye: Oh, do Frank; we've never ignored one of those.

---

"M*A*S*H: Chief Surgeon Who? (#1.4)" (1972)

Henry Blake: Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.
Hawkeye: He's right, I agree. All that blood and everything, and those sick people - it's terrible.

Henry Blake: [Col. Blake has just appointed Hawkeye as chief surgeon] Hawkeye, don't let me down.
Hawkeye: [wearing his underwear and bathrobe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Henry Blake: The job will be a killer.
Frank Burns: I can adjust.
Henry Blake: I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, thanks.
Frank Burns: *What*? You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry Blake: Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
Frank Burns: Well, what about rank?
Hawkeye: Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
Frank Burns: This is unheard of!
Henry Blake: Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's certified in chest and general surgery. Frank, in case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on. We're here to patch guys together. We can't be so GI we lose patients!
Frank Burns: Are you implying that he's a better doctor?
Henry Blake: Yes, when the heat's on!

Frank Burns: Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?
Hawkeye: SWILL gin?' Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have NEVER swilled!

Cpl.: Halt!
Henry Blake: Klinger!
Cpl.: Who goes there?
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: The man's NAKED!
Hawkeye: Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: At least a slip!

Hawkeye: Threes and nines are wild. If you want, you can buy a new card on an open four.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Except February, which has 28.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Pierce, you're in very deep trouble.
Hawkeye: I don't think so, I can beat a pair of twos.

Hawkeye: How would you like a spleen across the mouth?

---

"M*A*S*H: Hawkeye Get Your Gun (#5.10)" (1976)

Col. Potter: You too young to die, Pierce?
Hawkeye: I was hoping to make it to Thursday.

[Col. Potter and Hawkeye are preparing to venture close to enemy territory]
Col. Potter: That thing loaded?
B.J.: Filled it with water myself.
Hawkeye: Watch out, everyone, I shoot to drown.

Col. Potter: Where's your gun?
Hawkeye: Sulking under my cot. We're not at speaking terms.
Col. Potter: Go kiss it and make up. You're taking it with you.
Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll trigger another argument.
Col. Potter: Pierce, You're taking your sidearm.
Hawkeye: [Holding up each arm in turn] Correct, I'm taking along my right side arm and my left side arm.

Hawkeye: How 'bout a little kiss for the road?
Margaret: Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Hawkeye: Then how 'bout one for me?

Hawkeye: I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes.
Col. Potter: Let me know when it does. I love a parade.
Hawkeye: Even short ones?

Col. Potter: [referring to a drink] I could use a belt.
Hawkeye: Your pants falling down?

Col. Potter: [speaking to American troops] Don't shoot! Don't shoot! We're one of you!
Hawkeye: Yeah. Betty Grable. Apple pie.
Col. Potter: Clara Bow!
Hawkeye: Clara Bow? Frank's right; you are old.

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Fire that weapon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: All right.
[to gun]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're fired.
[to Col. Potter]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I did it as gently as I could.

---

"M*A*S*H: Pilot (#1.1)" (1972)

[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session]
Margaret: [angrily] You're dismissed.
Hawkeye: Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.

Hawkeye: Aw, great, we screwed up in reverse.

Hawkeye: Sorry, baby.
Margaret: That's Major to you!
Hawkeye: Sorry, Major baby.

Hawkeye: Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Is that a good place to stay?

Hawkeye: Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!

Hawkeye: Ya know we gotta do it someday. Invite all the jokers from the north and the south for a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!

Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing up there?
Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Maj. Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

Maj. Frank Burns: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
Hawkeye: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.

---

"M*A*S*H: Adam's Ribs (#3.11)" (1974)

Hawkeye: I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish. I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills. I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions."

Hawkeye: [after getting off the phone with Adam's Ribs] Oh damn it! DAMN IT!
Radar: What?
Hawkeye: I forgot to order cole slaw.

Hawkeye: Radar, prepare finger, ready to dial.

Henry: [after Hawkeye starts a riot in the mess tent over the food] Just who do you think you are, Pierce? Just who do you think you are, Pierce?
Hawkeye: I broke under the pressure, warden.
Trapper: Eleven straight days, Henry!
Henry: Well, don't you think I tried for some relieviation?
Radar: Yes, sir?
Henry: Radar, what happened to the frozen turkey I ordered you to order?
Radar: I put in the requisition, sir, marked "urgent."
Henry: Well?
Radar: They sent us five thousand athletic supporters.
Trapper: Marked "urgent!"
[laughs]
Henry: I don't find that such a rib-tickler, Mclntyre.

Radar: [to Sparky] Thanks, you done terrific!
Hawkeye: DID terrific.
Radar: That's what I said he done.

Radar: [confused as to why Hawkeye wants to place a phone call to Chicago in the middle of the night] Chicago?
Hawkeye: That toddlin' town. Home of the stockyards. Mrs. O'Leary's cow. The White Sox, the Cubs, Carl Sandberg.
Radar: Who's he pitch for?
Hawkeye: The poet. Chicago. Hog butcher for the world. Toolmaker. Stacker of wheat. Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler. Stormy, husky, brawling, City of the Big Shoulders. Sandberg knew, Radar. Spareribber for the universe! Maker of meat on a bone! The home of the pigsicle! Give me your tired, your poor... your cole slaw.

Master Sgt. Tarola: What's in the crate?
Hawkeye: Spare ribs, from Chicago.
Master Sgt. Tarola: Adam's Ribs?

Master Sgt. Tarola: I want ten pounds of spare ribs and a gallon of cole slaw.
Hawkeye: We forgot the coleslaw.
Master Sgt. Tarola: You ordered all the way to Chicago for ribs and forgot the cole slaw?
Hawkeye: Forgive us, we're draftees.

---

"M*A*S*H: There Is Nothing Like a Nurse (#3.10)" (1974)

Hawkeye: [the gang is watching home movies of Frank's wedding] Oh there they are. Franklin D. White-bread marries Miss Cynthia Soon-to-be-frigid. Don't do it, Frank!

Hawkeye: [Watching Frank's home movies; the projector starts and the screen is blank] I think I saw this movie.
Trapper: Radar, get your hand off my knee.
Radar: That's not funny!

Trapper: [In Frank's wedding video, Frank is about to cut the cake] Look, even then he didn't know how to hold a knife.
[Laughs]
Hawkeye: [Laughs] Watch the cake die of malpractice.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Why do I feel sorry for Frank?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Get the window, Klinger.
Trapper: Don't stand in the light.
Hawkeye: You little heartbreaker.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Everyone comfortable?
Hawkeye: Not for a year now.

Maj. Frank Burns: You picked a fine time to watch a dirty movie.
Hawkeye: [They had just finished watching a movie of Frank's wedding] This was the worst of all, Frank.

Trapper: I miss my wife.
Hawkeye: I miss your wife too.
Trapper: [turns to Hawkeye] I'll miss my wife, you miss my mother!
[long pause]
Hawkeye: I miss your mother.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Incubator (#2.12)" (1973)

Henry Blake: Captain Sloan here is with supply.
Captain Sloan: More accurately, I'm with the 375th Q. M. H. Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.
Hawkeye: Maybe I'll have that drink.
Captain Sloan: Now, the business at hand is an incubator, that is if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want.
Hawkeye: Right.
Trapper: And we need one as soon as possible.
Captain Sloan: Well, let's see what the good book says.
Hawkeye: The good book?
Captain Sloan: The Manual of Supply and Requisition.
Hawkeye: MANSUPREQ.
Captain Sloan: Um, "inhalator, indicator, innoculator, infusilator - " Here it is: 437 - stroke - R2, incubator.
Henry Blake: Thar she blows!
Captain Sloan: "Device for developing bacterial cultures at constant suitable temperatures." Uh-huh. I see. That certainly makes sense. You can't have one.

Hawkeye: [Mocking Colonel Blake and Captain Sloan after being told they couldn't get an incubator] "Thank you, Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient. You have a temperature of 109 - stroke - 10. Afraid you can't have an incubator, but you can have a pizza with everything to go. Unless of course, you go first."
Henry Blake: Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
Hawkeye: Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up.
Trapper: Into limbo.
Hawkeye: No, you can't have any limbo. In fact, you can't have anything - stroke - nothing which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.

Gen. Mitchell: I wonder if you doctors understand going through channels, military-wise speaking.
Trapper: Sir, we started with a captain, went on to a major, then to a colonel.
Hawkeye: On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness, raging paranoia, and a colonel who's shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time.
Trapper: Which makes you the next contestant, Colonel.
Hawkeye: And the subject you've chosen is "Incubators."
Trapper: And we need one.

Hawkeye: [exasperated at Quartermaster Sloan's denial of his request for a hospital incubator] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven!
Captain Sloan: Oh, I can let you have one of those.
Henry Blake: No kidding! That would be great on movie nights! You got any of those pizza requisition forms?
Captain Sloan: [referring to a generic Army requisition form] Oh, just use one of those standard S-1798s and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."

Captain Sloan: I'm Captain Sloan, supervising Ac-Fin.
Hawkeye: Ac-Fin?
Captain Sloan: Accounting and Finance
Hawkeye: Oh. Well, I'm Captain Pierce, aggravated Doc-Surge.

Major Morris: You guys! Rich young draftee doctors all dressed up like drum majorettes.
Hawkeye: Rich? Some of my patients pay me in kittens!

Trapper: And all we want is an incubator.
Hawkeye: For the simple purpose of practicing better and more efficient medicine. Sir, I- I appeal to your sense of what's right.
Colonel Lambert: [turns to his Geisha, Betty Lou]
Betty Lou: They're full of it.

---

"M*A*S*H: Officer of the Day (#3.3)" (1974)

Margaret: If I didn't hate violence, I'd kick you.
Hawkeye: Would you? With high heels?

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war, I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns.
[Frank snorts in disgust]
Hawkeye: I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash-and-carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun.

Hawkeye: [welcoming Col. Flagg back to the 4077th] We still have one of your hidden mics in our latrine. We thought we'd make an album for you.

MP: [remands a sheepish Klinger in a formal evening gown]
Hawkeye: Klinger, Klinger, where did your mother and I go wrong?

Army Col. Samuel Flagg: [trying to track down his prisoner] I wanna talk to your commanding officer.
Hawkeye: You gonna execute him instead?

Hawkeye: What's up, Radar?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, indigenous personnels again, sir, requesting medical attention. That's his I.D. card.
Hawkeye: What, did we advertise a weekend special?
[Hawkeye reads card]
Hawkeye: "Kim Luck"? That's the second one we had today.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: That's the way it runs sometimes, sir.
Hawkeye: [to Korean] Can you identify yourself?
2nd Korean: [thumps chest, smiling] This is me.
Hawkeye: Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that. Bring him to the hospital.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: This must be our Kim-Lucky day.

[dictating end-of-day report]
Hawkeye: The North Korean prisoner suspected of espionage, recovering satisfactorily, will be turned over to military intelligence... as soon as somebody can be found with military intelligence. Paragraph. Examined, diagnosed, and treated a total of five Kim Lucks, a new Kim Luck record I hope will stand for a long time. Paragraph. Property of Corporal O'Reilly returned. Father and teddy bear doing nicely.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (#5.6)" (1976)

Colonel Flagg: I have no home. I am the wind.
Hawkeye: [to BJ] I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.
B.J.: No, I said he was the moon.

Colonel Flagg: If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.
B.J.: He's got a point there.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.

Hawkeye: [referring to Col. Flagg who just jumped through a window] The Wind just broke its leg.

Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
[everyone closes and covers their eyes]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [about Flagg's plan] Why don't you just drop an atomic bomb.
Colonel Flagg: Don't try to make friends now.

Maj. Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're only off by two letters.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!

---

"M*A*S*H: Fallen Idol (#6.2)" (1977)

Col. Sherman Potter: [an oversoused Hawkeye had to leave the O.R. to be sick] Listen, you can walk around with your brains at half-mast 24 hours a day for all I care, but when that chopper hits the pad I expect you to tie a slipknot in a match box. It's incomprehensible to me that a surgeon of your caliber would walk into an operating room with a bag on. Okay, let's hear some talk. What's your explanation?
Hawkeye: I screwed up.

B.J.: [Earlier, Hawkeye barked at hospitalized Radar] Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.
Col. Potter: [Enters the Swamp; to Hawkeye] What the hell is the matter with you? Are you nuts?
Hawkeye: I think I must be, yes.
Col. Potter: I think you are. I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient, then you go in and try to destroy another! Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese.
Margaret: [Enters; to Hawkeye] I'd like to talk to you.
B.J.: This oughta be good.
Margaret: What is the matter with you?
Col. Potter: Just a minute, Major, I have something to say on that subject myself.
Margaret: Just hang on, you'll get your turn.
Col. Potter: I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer!

Col. Sherman Potter: [to Hawkeye] Your behavior is incomprehensible. Again! You have a boy there, fresh out of the cornfields, who is highly vulnerable and impressionable, not to mention the fact that he worships you...
Margaret: Although WHY I can't imagine.
Col. Sherman Potter: Then you make this kid the target of the most bellicose barrell full of bull durham anybody's ever heard you utter!
Margaret: And I've heard you utter plenty.
Col. Sherman Potter: If you don't mind, I rehearsed this as a single.
Margaret: And you're doing fine, really.
Col. Sherman Potter: Gee, Major, I appreciate that. Now will you CLAM UP?
[to Hawkeye]
Col. Sherman Potter: This boy's been told he's nothing more than a pimple on a flea by the man whose opinion he values more than any one in the world. And I think you DAMN WELL better do something about it! Now what do you think?
Hawkeye: I think you're right.
[Exits]
Margaret: I never got to say anything!

Hawkeye: Radar, I'm going to do something now I've rarely ever done before.
Radar: You're not going to kiss me, are you?
[Hawkeye salutes Radar]

Radar: You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you.
Hawkeye: So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick.
Radar: Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything.
Hawkeye: Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children.
[slams down a pillow]
Hawkeye: I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it.
[stands up; turns around]
Hawkeye: How DARE you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period.
[Radar stifles crying]
Hawkeye: Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You NINNY!
[exits]

Hawkeye: Radar, I'd like to apologize.
Radar: Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with YOU. How about that? And another thing,
[gets out of bed]
Radar: I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha!

---

"M*A*S*H: Welcome to Korea (#4.1)" (1975)

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: They shoot at doctors?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Doctors, lawyers, anything that moves.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [bullets hitting jeep] I think I just had one.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [speeding down the road] I lost my hat
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [no response] I lost my hat!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Your cookies will be next

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't look, he's had it.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We have to TRY!
[turns soldier over. Takes one look, puts soldier down, crawls short distance and vomits]

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [snipers begin shooting, as Radar finishes changing a tire] Radar, get in the Jeep!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [not wanting to abandon the equipment] This is a General's jack!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Salute it and get in!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [escorting Radar and BJ into Rosie's Bar] Forward... DRINK!

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Sir, this jeep is the property of Major General Cornell Dickering.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I don't know what you're talking about!
M.P. Lieutenant: You'll have to come with me, sir.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'd vouch for this man's character, Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Snot! Snot! Snot!

---

"M*A*S*H: 5 O'Clock Charlie (#2.2)" (1973)

Henry Blake: [on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug sir? Well, a nug is,
[Frank turns the book over]
Henry Blake: uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.
Trapper: Henry, you gotta be kidding!
Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.
Frank Burns: Keep your snoots out of this!
Trapper: We don't need a gun or a nug.
Hawkeye: What are you trying to do, get us into the war?
Trapper: [grabbing the phone] General, listen, you send a gun up here, and that's gonna draw fire. That won't do our wounded very much good.
Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Give me that!
Hawkeye: [grabbing the phone] Get rid of the ammo dump, and we won't need a gun.
Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Do you mind?
Frank Burns: [grabbing the phone] The previous suggestion is contraindicated, we need an antiaircraft gun desperately, general.
Hawkeye: Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?

Hawkeye: You're out of uniform, soldier.
Nurse: [looks at herself] Where?
Hawkeye: How about my place in ten minutes?

Hawkeye: [after Frank pulls a stapler out of his gun holster] Take our money, mister. Just don't staple us.

Hawkeye: That's your opinion?
Captain Phil Cardozo: Yeah.
Hawkeye: Play Phil. Sing dentist.

Hawkeye: [after Frank pulls a plunger from his holster] Attaboy, Frank! Flush 'em out of the skies!

Hawkeye: [offering Cardozo a drink] Cardozo, booze?
Captain Phil Cardozo: When I left the states, I promised my wife that I wouldn't have a drink or another woman, till I got back to her.
Hawkeye: [impressed] That's nice.
Captain Phil Cardozo: Gimme a blast.
Captain Phil Cardozo: Make it a short one, I got a date tonight.

---

"M*A*S*H: Tuttle (#1.15)" (1973)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's service record] Religion?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Atheist.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What's that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They worship trees.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Ah, a tree surgeon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing] Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes.

Voice over PA: Attention, Captain Jonathan Tuttle will report to Colonel Henry Blake. On the double! Captain Jonathan Tuttle, at once.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [coming out of surgery, hearing the announcement, turning to Trapper] Shall we go back inside and build one?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's profile] Now something for Hotlips. Height: 6 foot 4. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair: Auburn. Eyes: Hazel...
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I think I'm in love.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone, there's a little Tuttle left in all of us, in fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He was my imaginary childhood friend.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You had an imaginary childhood friend?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, if anybody said, who knocked over the garbage? I'd say Tuttle. Who broke the window? Tuttle. Who wet the bed?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Tuttle!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He had no control.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: So when you got drafted, Tuttle got drafted.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Just in case you wet your cot.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [accosting Hawkeye after he observes him picking up Tuttle's mail] THAT is addressed to Capt. Tuttle.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good, Frank. You read well enough to be a druggist!
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Where is he?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who, Tuttle? He's in post-op, I'm going to drop this off for him.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, well I can do that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, that's very kind of you, Frank. That certainly belies all the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, meanspirited, overbearing fusspot you are.
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: It certainly does!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Then I'll stop spreading it!

---

"M*A*S*H: The Late Captain Pierce (#4.4)" (1975)

[Choppers approach]
Hawkeye: [sighs] Wounded.
B.J.: Klinger says a lot.
Hawkeye: I don't care. I really don't. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home; they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from they'll never run out.

[Dictating a telegram]
Hawkeye: Dear Dad, I am not dead. Stop. Hope you are the same. Stop. Thinking of selling my clubs? Stop. Spending my insurance money? Stop.

[at Hawkeye's wake]
B.J.: For he was a jolly good fellow.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: He was a jolly good fellow.
Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow.
Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.

Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: Where's the best place to look for causalities?
Hawkeye: Try the mess tent.

Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: [as Hawkeye climbs onto the morgue bus] Where ya goin', Captain?
Hawkeye: The Final Reward, please. And step on it.

Hawkeye: [lying in the morgue bus, as BJ tries to reason with him] I'm tired of death. I'm tired *to* death.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Novocaine Mutiny (#4.20)" (1976)

Maj. Frank Burns: I don't believe you did it. Officers don't steal.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We don't go to the toilet either.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We just explode when we're 50.
[Radar looks up, concerned]

Maj. Frank Burns: [during a practice bug out that Frank has ordered]
[blows whistle]
Maj. Frank Burns: Chop, chop! Get the lead out! This is a war you know!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: See? I told you this was a war, but you said we were both dreaming.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How could we be in each other's dreams?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How could I be in Korea? More importantly, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?

Colonel Carmichael: [after Radar explains helping Frank search Klinger's tent] This Cpl. Klinger, she's a nurse?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [laughs briefly] Oh, no, sir.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: If I may, Colonel, Cpl Klinger is a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. To that end he dresses, erm...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In dresses.
Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a section 8?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: The man does his job, I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Unless Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We all do.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If only I'd known.

Hawkeye: [commenting on the ridiculous story that Major Burns just told] The Major's version of what happened was to say the least fascinating. It was to say the most perjury! No, to be fair I have no doubt that he remembers it that way. More's the pity. And there was some truth to the story. It was October 11 and we were in Korea. Other than that...

Hawkeye: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
B.J.: We all do.
Hawkeye: If only I'd known!

---

"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye tries to get bidding signals from his bridge partner] I'm reminded of a story. You've probably heard it. The, uh, King and Queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs, when their son, Jack, remarked how strange it was they had only two hearts between them. Just then, Deucey and her little dog, Tres, started singing "Four Diamonds are a girl's best friend." Whereupon the entire family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Did you get it?"
Charles: Everybody did.
Hawkeye: Well, I didn't. What do I bid?
Everyone: Two clubs!
Hawkeye: Please! No prompting. I bid two clubs.

Basgall: My buddy better not die on account of you.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Margaret, keep that thing over him.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm trying, but he's got an awfully big mouth.
Basgall: You guys are so high and mighty. You sit back here, you're playing God. You don't care!
Hawkeye: Somebody shut him up!
Basgall: That's right, shut me up. Go ahead, shut me up so I won't tell anybody how you save your gook friends!
Hawkeye: HEY!
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pierce!
Hawkeye: I don't have to take that kind of garbage, now SHUT YOUR MOUTH before I come over there and clamp it shut!

Colonel Flagg: You took a yellow red before a white American. That's pretty pinko.
Hawkeye: You're even boring in Technicolor.

Colonel Flagg: [cornering Hawkeye] Your butt is in my sling.
Hawkeye: Take me I'm yours.
Colonel Flagg: I knew it, you're one of those too.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Flagg] You're gonna lose your magic decoder ring for this one!

---

"M*A*S*H: For the Good of the Outfit (#2.4)" (1973)

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Frank Burns: I don't think it's so all-fired sophisticated to walk around with a beard.
Trapper: Oh you oughtta' try it sometime Frank. Women love it.
Frank Burns: Oh I'll bet.
Hawkeye: Really. Come here.
[Frank walks over to him]
Hawkeye: Kiss me.

[Frank thinks Hawkeye and Trapper are making lewd gestures]
Frank Burns: Caught you!
Trapper: At what?
Frank Burns: Making one of your obscene gestures behind my back!
Hawkeye: Which one?
Frank Burns: You know, the one that...
[Hawkeye and Trapper start laughing]

Frank Burns: [walking into the swamp] Pig Pen! Brothel!
Hawkeye: Here, sir!
Trapper: Yo!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why couldn't you let him sign?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let him? We begged him! We pleaded with him to do the right thing.

---

"M*A*S*H: Big Mac (#3.21)" (1975)

Trapper: Frank! What are you doing?
Frank Burns: Burning books.
Hawkeye: Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
Frank Burns: One of the greatest living Americans is coming and I'm not going to let him see some of the trash that's read around here.
Trapper: Plato's Republic? The Life of Red Grange?
Hawkeye: Revolutionaries.
Frank Burns: Right!
Trapper: Robinson Crusoe?
Hawkeye: Everybody runs around half naked.
Trapper: Norman Mailer.
Frank Burns: It's got *that word* in it.
Hawkeye: Frank, you burn one more book, I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson in the mine field. Now, knock it off, gnat brain!

Frank Burns: [to MacArthur's aid] I'll have you know that Major Houlihan's father served under the general in World War I.
Hawkeye: Margaret's father was a horse?

[Radar struggles to bring two table lamps to the VIP tent]
Hawkeye: What do we have here, a diminutive Diogenes?
Trapper: Looking for TWO honest men, Radar?

Col. Whiteman: [briefing the 4077's staff on Gen. MacArthur's impinging visit] I'm sure you must all be excited at the idea of meeting our Supreme Commander.
Trapper: I'm thrilled beyond repair!
Hawkeye: My bellybutton's been puckering and unpuckering all day!

Frank Burns: [warning Hawkeye to take a good photo of the 4077's officers and enlisted] Now make this good, Pierce! This is going into the memorial album.
Hawkeye: Right, boss. And get in the front row, I want to catch those eyes.
Frank Burns: [pleasantly surprised] Wilco!
Hawkeye: Keep them spinning counter-clockwise!

---

"M*A*S*H: Lil (#7.3)" (1978)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Trying to find out what BJ stands for] What if I guess your name?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Fine.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Belvidere Jehosaphat?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Still trying to guess what BJ stands for] Was your mother Spanish?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: No.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That eliminates Benito Juarez.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Coercing Radar to open BJ's personal file] For Pete's sake, Colonel Rayburn is right behind that door. What if she walks in on us?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Okay, I'll marry you...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who would name their kid BJ?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: My mother, Bee Honeycut, and my father, Jay Honeycut.

---

"M*A*S*H: Movie Tonight (#5.21)" (1977)

Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [the movie projector goes out, again] I blew the bulb. It's not my fault. Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?
Hawkeye: No, you look like Mrs. Edison.

Hawkeye: [the movie projector goes out once again] Don't blame Klinger. It's an Army projector.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's supposed to break down every five minutes.
Hawkeye: Just like the peace talks.

Hawkeye: Frank, let me use your pen.
Frank Burns: No.
Hawkeye: Come on, Frank!
Frank Burns: N-O! No.
Hawkeye: Why not?
Frank Burns: Because it's used to the way I write.
Hawkeye: It's used to: stupid

---

"M*A*S*H: A Smattering of Intelligence (#2.24)" (1974)

Pratt: [about Frank Burns] Pretty gung ho.
Hawkeye: [to the tune of "Jimmy Crack Corn"] And I don't care.

Pratt: If I ask the colonel to see the major's file and they're cosubversives, they'll pull the old dossier switch-a-roo, and I'll chalk up a zilch.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Boy I wish you came with English subtitles.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He means he's gonna break into Frank's file tonight. Right?
Pratt: It's called breaking and entering.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's a good thing your a cop. Otherwise, that's illegal.

Vinnie Pratt: If I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash then got out and hit himself with a hammer.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: You're kidding.
Vinnie Pratt: A switch on the way he infiltrated the CID last year: drove his jeep into a wall, then set himself on fire.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Is this guy available for children's parties?

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."

---

"M*A*S*H: For Want of a Boot (#2.17)" (1974)

Zale: Look, we made a deal. He didn't come through.
Hawkeye: Do you know what I did? How I degraded myself? How I groveled, how I humbled, how I cheapened myself? All for a pair of miserable, lousy, army boots? I swear to you, as dedicated as I am to the sanctity and preservation of human life, if I had a gun at this moment, I would send my head across the tent!
Zale: A gun takes six weeks. There's a terrific waiting list.

Frank Burns: [Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret] Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!
Hawkeye: You want to share the happiness, Frank?
Frank Burns: With the whole world!
Hawkeye: Sign this.
[Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers]
Frank Burns: Sure! What is it?
[reads papers]
Frank Burns: Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?
Hawkeye: Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!

Margaret: Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator, and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.
Hawkeye: Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back!
Margaret: My report is going to General Mitchell!
Hawkeye: Ah come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.

Margaret: [Offering Hawkeye and Trapper a deal that would stop her from sending a scathing report about Henry Blake to General Mitchell] Today is Frank's birthday.
Hawkeye: Yeah yeah...
Margaret: I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight, with a big cake and at least twenty people, and presents... might just stop my report.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: It's a deal!
Hawkeye: It is not! I have just run out of hypocrisy! My dignity tank is getting dangerously low! You expect me to drag twenty screaming people to a party for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces? And presents? Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls! I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots! Ha! Party for Frank Burns?
[Hawkeye then storms out of Margaret's tent, followed by Trapper, and immediately steps into an ice cold mud puddle with the boot with the large hole in the sole]
Hawkeye: I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by baked ham and hot biscuits. If they'll stay hot, that's the only problem.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Trial of Henry Blake (#2.8)" (1973)

[reading a letter that Hawkeye threatens to send to Frank Burns' wife]
Radar: Dear Mrs. Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who.
Hawkeye: [emphasizing] "Whom".

[Klinger goes hang-gliding past in a housecoat and slippers]
Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: [to the nurse] See?

Hawkeye: [seeing Margret using an electric neck massager on Frank] Behind every great man, there is a woman with a vibrator.

Hawkeye: [being held under arrest in The Swamp with Trapper in their boxers] This is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention. 'No officer shall be confined in his underwear unless issued an athletic supporter with suitable insignia.'

---

"M*A*S*H: Last Laugh (#6.3)" (1977)

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hawkeye, the tent is spinning around.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Which way?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Clockwise.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Mine's going counter-clockwise. Maybe together we're sober.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [of Margaret] She's no fun when Donald's relaxed.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: General, I have not seen this hat, as long as my head has lived.
General Fox: Put it on!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [BJ puts on the hat which goes down around his nose] That's his hat all right.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He'll be walking back here in about 20 minutes.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Walking back?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The only thing gassed up in that Jeep was us.

---

"M*A*S*H: Major Fred C. Dobbs (#1.22)" (1973)

Trapper: It's a little chilly out there, how bout a drink?
Hawkeye: If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't.
Trapper: A double or a triple?
Hawkeye: How about the first quintuple martini in medical history? How about you Frank, one for the road?
Frank Burns: I make it a point never to drink with strangers and as of right now, I don't know either one of you.
Hawkeye: It's chilly in here too. Make Frank a Shirley Temple and put it on my tab.
Frank Burns: You're nothing but common drunks.
Hawkeye: That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
Frank Burns: Laugh now, but when this war is over, I'll go back to my Country Club and my 30 foot yacht, and you two will be ship's doctors on a garbage scow somewhere.
Hawkeye: The typical love/hate complex. Freud said it best when he said, "Never ask for light chocolates."
Frank Burns: You're both a disgrace to the medical profession, let alone the United States Army.
Trapper: He's beginning to soften.

Hawkeye: I almost forgot. It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, "Just Plain MacArthur."
[turns on tape recorder]
Frank Burns: Soap operas now. You're deteriorating by the minute.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
Frank Burns: [recording] I'll write you every day... faithfully!
Frank Burns: "I'll write every day... faithfully." Listen to that dribble, that manure! You know, anyone who could listen to that...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
Frank Burns: Was that... that's... that's...
Hawkeye: That's right. Nurse Dribble and Dr. Manure!

Trapper: You think maybe we finally went too far?
Hawkeye: I don't know, I was too busy going too far.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Boy, you guys are impossible!
Hawkeye: Well fire us, Henry. Fire us.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Listen, big shot, I'm gonna do more than that. I'm gonna do MORE than that.
[Leaves room, then comes back]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What am I doing? This is my office. You guys get out of here!

---

"M*A*S*H: I Hate a Mystery (#1.10)" (1972)

Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank Burns: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank Burns: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank Burns: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry Blake: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

[first lines]
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: [slapping down a poker discard] One.
Hawkeye: One?
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: One.
Hawkeye: [to Trapper] Can you believe this guy? He asks for one.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: Will you just deal?

Hawkeye: Ho-Jon, the elixir of life! Drinks for me and my men, and water for our horses!
[he enters the Swamp, sighing]
Hawkeye: Ohh, where is it? There it is.
[he sinks into his bunk]
Hawkeye: Ahh. Ahhh, ahhh.
[Ho-Jon begins pouring gin]
Hawkeye: Ah, the symphony begins. The sultry saxophone splashes of melody. A subtle drum brush for counterpoint.
[Ho-Jon gives the drink a spritz]
Hawkeye: The plunking of cool harp strings.
[Ho-Jon drops ice into the drink]
Hawkeye: And now... the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
[silence]
Hawkeye: And now the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.
[silence]
Hawkeye: Ho-Jon?
Ho-Jon: Stizzle-swick not here!
Hawkeye: [sitting up, indignant] Who stole my stizzle-swick?

[last lines]
Frank Burns: That's fascinating.
Margaret: Oh, it is, it is.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, yes, yes, very definitely. You see, it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing.
[all look at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Well, don't look at me, I didn't take 'em.

---

"M*A*S*H: Deal Me Out (#2.13)" (1973)

Hawkeye: Okay, moving right along now, dealer's choice, five card stud. Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Sex.
Hawkeye: Why?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm taking a five-dollar chip. That was a house call.

Hawkeye: [after a patient starts shooting in the compound] Sidney, front and center.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.

Army Capt. Halloran: One bullet. That's all I need.
Hawkeye: Ok, one bullet. Just don't use the gun.

Frank Burns: [about Capt. Halloran joining "The Conference"] Amazing! Anyone who comes in here is instantly corrupted!
Hawkeye: Hurry up, Frank. The good ship Lollipop is leaving.

---

"M*A*S*H: Life Time (#8.11)" (1979)

[Charles is the only one who can give the appropriate blood]
Hawkeye: Charles, lie down and start bleeding.

Hawkeye: [celebrating the successful transplant] We made someone who is part George and part Harold.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [recovering from donating the blood] And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous.

Hawkeye: [to BJ, after BJ runs into OR with the aortic graft] What took so long?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The guy it was attached to was still using it.

---

"M*A*S*H: None Like It Hot (#7.6)" (1978)

Hawkeye: Can you keep a military secret?
Radar: Anything.
Hawkeye: At the risk of severe personal injury, I'm about to break a sacred vow. Last night, B.J. and I got a very important package from home.
Radar: You mean the bath tub from Abalone & Finch?

Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Can we move along, sir? We've already had three servers faint from the steam.
Hawkeye: I'll just have the salad. Brown lettuce?? What am I supposed to do with it, eat it or smoke it?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You think that's brown? Look at that mayonnaise.
Hawkeye: [dumps his food] Right back at you.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You want green, have the liver.

Sergeant Rhoden: Boy I tell ya, I sure am losing my touch. Last war, I talked you down to a can of spam.
Hawkeye: And a can of spam.

---

"M*A*S*H: The General Flipped at Dawn (#3.1)" (1974)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after General Steele dances out of a court marshal hearing singing a song] I take it we don't have to leave.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Only the general does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, in a rubber truck.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Man. More stuff's coming in from headquarters. New orders, regulations. Read that first one, Radar.
Radar: Uh, yes sir. Uh, the winners of the model yacht race at the cesspool are...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not that, Radar!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nah, let him read it! I haven't seen a sports page in months!
Radar: First place went to Pvt. Norman Polanski with his yacht, the American Beauty Dream. Corncob construction, with toilet paper sails.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, that Polanski has the sea in his blood.
Radar: Second prize to Corporal Timothy McInerney for his clipper, the Evangeline, carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago.
Trapper: Hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.
Radar: The remainder of the contestants didn't finish due to a sudden undertow after breakfast.

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insubordinate!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right!
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insolent!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right! And you're nuts!

---

"M*A*S*H: Depressing News (#9.12)" (1981)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Upon seeing the dozens of tongue depressor boxes] Oh, new neighbors must be moving into that vacant tent down the block.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Gee, I hope they have some kids my age.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Half a million tongue depressors. Do you know how depressing that is?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Why do you always see the olive-drab side of things? The Army didn't intend to send them all here. You ever heard of a snafu?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Snafu, phooey. We wouldn't have this supply if they didn't think there would be a demand. Tongue depressors, doctors, soldiers...we're all the same.
[Picks up a depressor]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Trapper John goes. No problem, there's plenty more where he came from.
[Tosses it aside and picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: B.J. Hunnicut. Same size, same shape.
[Picks up two more]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank Burns out, Winchester in. Only a hair's difference.
[Picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry Blake...
[snaps it in half]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Rest in peace, Henry. In coming, Sherman Potter.
[sighs]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: My God. Hasn't this elimination tournament gone on long enough?

Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: [Regarding Hawk's 'Foundation of the Washington Monument'] Excuse my impertinence, but if all these sticks were laid end to end... and they are... what would they be?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They would be... and are... the foundation for the Washington Monument.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Don't they already have one of those some place?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That on commemorates Washington the man, who crossed the Delaware and gave his wooden teeth. This one commemorates Washington the place, which sends us across the Pacific and gives us wooden legs.

---

"M*A*S*H: Fade Out, Fade In (#6.1)" (1977)

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh.

Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
Charles: You may.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?

---

"M*A*S*H: No Sweat (#9.11)" (1981)

Klinger: Anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, get on the phone and tell I-CORPS to get a helicopter out here first thing in the morning.
Klinger: The colonel's the only one who can authorize that.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: So get him to authorize it.
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And as soon as you do that, get over to B.J.'s house and clean out his gutters.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They said "join the army and see the world", so here I am in Korea, removing Chinese metal from an American soldier in a Turkish bath. How are you doing, giggles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Bitterly] How should I be doing?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'll have to excuse Andry Grump, ladies, he can't get his mind out of the gutter.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Describing a would-be handyman, while Margaret, with severe prickly heat, is rubbing her behind against the edge of a table] ...With a skin tight T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, better looking than Errol Flynn. She's only human, you know. First it's the gutters, then he says, "Is there anything else I can do, Mrs. Hunnicut?" And she says, "Well for starters, you can call me Peg".
[stares at Margaret]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Follows B.J.'s glance towards Margaret, then turns back to nurse] Some fun, huh, Joanne? Over here we got a guy who's losing his marbles, and over there, a woman who's slipping on them.
[Margaret stops dead]

---

"M*A*S*H: Rainbow Bridge (#3.2)" (1974)

Hawkeye: [at Rainbow Bridge after how Frank says how the "R-E-D" can't speak fluent English] The R-E-D speaks better English than Y-O-U do.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I'd like to see my wife again.
Hawkeye: I'd like to see anybody's wife again.

Dr. Lin Tam: [laughing at the Baby Browning Margaret loaned to Frank] What the hell is that?
Hawkeye: It came from a box of Cracker Jacks. It's also a whistle.

---

"M*A*S*H: What's Up, Doc? (#6.19)" (1978)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Consoling Margaret] If you count irritability, you've been pregnant since I've known you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The test is for Major Houlihan
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: You're pregnant sir?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Learn to knock first, we have a naked bunny in here.

---

"M*A*S*H: It Happened One Night (#4.3)" (1975)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Go wake up the colonel.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: At this hour? I can't do that.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger you're fine. It's just a scratch.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh, this is it! Goodbye Harry, Rita. I'm comin' Uncle Jake!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could you at least bleed?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is wrong with you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's multing.

Maj. Frank Burns: [whispers near patient] He's Chinese.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You don't have to whisper, Frank. He knows he's Chinese Frank.

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad, Again (#1.18)" (1973)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Abe Lincoln.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Abe Lincoln who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't you know me?
[laughs hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: That's awful.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Wait, can I do another one?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: No!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thomas Jefferson.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Thomas Jefferson who?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was Abe Lincoln just here?
[laughs even more hysterically]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I've never liked you.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing a letter to his dad] It's very quiet at the moment, Dad. The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly, an amazing kid. I've never put much stock in E.S.P. but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind Radar has that ability, the little fink.
[Radar passes by]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Is that a nice thing to say?

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger comes into the Swamp wearing a white wedding dress] Uh, Klinger... do you mind a little constructive criticism?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: First of all, it's gorgeous. It's easy to go overboard with one of those things, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thank you, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Just one suggestion: You must wear a slip! With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Of course! And I've got so many slips in my tent.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Ringbanger (#1.16)" (1973)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [hoodwinking Major Houlihan as to why he and Trapper are keeping Colonel Brighton from returning to his unit] Buzz Brighton has lost all confidence in himself. Not just as an officer; as a man!
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: This morning there were tears on his pillow.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The bigger they are, you know. More than once they found Patton sobbing inside his tank.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Once he showed up at an air raid in high heels.
Col. Buzz Brighton: You mean he's a...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: But a good surgeon.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: And nurse!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: And drink your milk.
Col. Buzz Brighton: What milk?
[Radar sneaks a glass of milk into the tent]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Why THAT milk you were asking for all morning.

---

"M*A*S*H: Crisis (#2.21)" (1974)

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [playacting] "What did you do in the war, Daddy?"
Hawkeye: "I was latrine officer, son. My outfit never made a move without me!"
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [throwing papers into the stove] Hey, should we leave in the staples?
Hawkeye: Damn the staples, man. This is war. Everyone has to live dangerously.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [the door opens and lets in a blast of cold air. Radar comes in with men carrying cots] Hey, close the door!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Okay, guys, put 'em right in here.
Hawkeye: What's going on?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [holding up clipboard] New sleeping arrangements, by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Trapper grabs the clipboard and throws it in the stove] Hey!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!
Hawkeye: We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Which bed should I take, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
Hawkeye: Oh, lovely!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Henry, you're joking.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
Hawkeye: How are we supposed to sleep with that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
Hawkeye: What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [smiling] Hold me close!

Hawkeye: [in son's voice] What did you do in the war daddy?
[in fatherly tone]
Hawkeye: Oh, I was Latrine Officer son. My outfit never made a move without me.

---

"M*A*S*H: Radar's Report (#2.3)" (1973)

Hawkeye: [talking to Erika about marriage] I'd love you in war and peace. Or Moby Dick. Any of the classics.

[Hawkeye's making out with a nurse he thinks is married]
Hawkeye: What am I doing? What am I doing?
Lt. Erica Johnson: Whatever it is, I approve.

Hawkeye: [Trapper stands before the Chinese prisoner responsible for the death of his patient. Trapper contemplates removing the prisoner's I.V.; Hawkeye enters] Trapper? Trap?
[Trapper turns to him]
Hawkeye: That's not what we're about.

---

"M*A*S*H: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (#1.17)" (1973)

Henry Blake: Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place. I don't understand that.
Henry Blake: Well, Gillis was your friend. I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh, you know.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Henry Blake: Because you're a doctor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The hell does that mean?
Henry Blake: I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one.

Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry Blake: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry Blake: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry Blake: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

[Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously]
Hawkeye: What's the matter, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: It's my...
Margaret: His back. It's his back.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How'd it happen?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I...
Margaret: [fibbing] Uh, he fell.
Margaret: [pointing] On his way to the shower.
Margaret: [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction.
Margaret: [and another] From his tent, I guess.
Margaret: [and another] Going in that direction.
Margaret: [pointing once more] The showers.
Hawkeye: And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?

---

"M*A*S*H: The Army-Navy Game (#1.20)" (1973)

Maj. Frank Burns: There's an unexploded shell out there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We know, Frank, we know.
Maj. Frank Burns: We've got to evacuate immediately!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I did.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
[Trapper cuts the wires]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But first, remove the fuse.
[pause. Everyone exchanges panciked looks. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Psst. Psst.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: It stopped ticking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's get the hell outta here. We've only got two minutes, maybe ...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are those the right instructions, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I hope so.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I hope so, too. Otherwise I'm coming back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.

---

"M*A*S*H: Cementing Relationships (#9.3)" (1980)

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: What do we got to lose?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: For one thing, me. These hands work on nothing lower than an appendectomy.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Well, our loss is our gain.
Hawkeye: Okay, Klinger, you're on. But you better know what you're doing.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Trust me. I know cement and it's not that hard.

Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [the officers are making a concrete floor] Let's start moving! Let's start moving! This is your foreman.
Hawkeye: Wait a minute, wait a minute, who made you the foreman?
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Well, I thought the selection was automatic, considering my background.
Hawkeye: Well you can take your background and go sit in the background.
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: Have it your way, BOSS. But one quick question before I go: what's the formula for mixing concrete?
Hawkeye: Why don't you handle this one, Beej?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Don't look at me, talk to the foreman.

Hawkeye: [to Charles, who refuses to help] Pick up that hoe, or I'll have you spayed.

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Peggy (#4.10)" (1975)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: He does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery.

[last lines]
Lt.: [paces back and forth outside post-op, then sits down on a bench, then begins to kneel in prayer when the door opens - turns] Is he going to make it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, we could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again!
Maj. Frank Burns: Twerp!
Local Koreans (uncredited): [on Hawkeye's cue] You tell 'em, Ferret-face!

nurse: [worried about the strenuousness of piling people into jeep] Could I get a hernia?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Certainly. But rent one first, see if you like it.

---

"M*A*S*H: Alcoholics Unanimous (#3.9)" (1974)

Frank: There's just no question. You're alcoholics! You drink constantly!
Hawkeye: All right, we drink. We drink so we can get through these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.
Trapper: We're cold, filthy, lonely.
Hawkeye: Scared, bored, tired.
Trapper: Frightened and very drowsy.
Hawkeye: And on top of that, Alice Faye goes to the big city and loses her voice!
Trapper: She didn't.
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Trapper: We need a drink!

Hawkeye: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.
Hot Lips: I didn't know you could sing.
Hawkeye: Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
[They all laugh]
Frank: What the devil's going on in here?
Trapper: Frank! Baby!
Hawkeye: [sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!
Frank: Major Houlihan!
Hot Lips: Whoop!
Frank: This really cuts me to the quick!
Hawkeye: That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ain't you gonna say anything about my outfit?
Hawkeye: Later.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Say something nice about his gloves.
Hawkeye: Huh?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [whispering] Gloves.
Hawkeye: Oh. Uh, I love your gloves, Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sears catalogue. They were having a white sale. You trace your hands on a piece of paper to give 'em your right size however if you want the black ones which aren't on the white sale you really don't care, do you?

---

"M*A*S*H: Iron Guts Kelly (#3.4)" (1974)

Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank knocks on Margaret's door and sees Hawkeye and Trapper] What's going on?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Nothing's going on, Frank. I just couldn't sleep.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: And we couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So we're all here not sleeping together.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [answering phone] MASH 4077th, Colonel Blake here. When? How? Wow!
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: [curious about the phone call] What is it?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [covers phone] Oh, a Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Was anyone hurt? Yeah? Yeah.
[covers phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance, they're ok, but the General's dead. He's been killed.
[on phone]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Who? Kelly?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly's been killed!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You'd think the girls would have broken his fall!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Lord, he was just here! Well, what's he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick!
Colonel Wortman: [takes phone from Col. Blake] Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Take the General's body, put it in a Jeep, and drive it up to G sector.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.
Colonel Wortman: [covers phone] I'll provide the fighting.
[on phone]
Colonel Wortman: Get on with it!
[talking to Radar again]
Colonel Wortman: Get me Kimpo Air base. I want a squadron of jets. And get me the Navy for some offshore bombardment. Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled bannered death.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [walks over to talk to Hawkeye and Trapper] Hey guys.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Yes, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Is he talking about killing a General who's already dead?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's right, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?
Colonel Wortman: [on phone] And rockets! I want plenty of rockets!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's for the red glare.

Colonel Wortman: Is the General ill?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hes dead.
Colonel Wortman: Dead? He cant be dead!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Look we both studied dead, and this man is dead.
Colonel Wortman: Well how did it happen?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Mitocardial Infarction.
Colonel Wortman: What does that mean?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It means his pearl handled guns are up for grabs now.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Sniper (#2.10)" (1973)

Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: Does every new nurse fall in love with you here?
Hawkeye: No, only the ones with taste.
Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: Do you think I have any?
Hawkeye: I don't know, let me taste you.

Hawkeye: [a clanging is heard in the kitchen] The mess tent.
Frank Burns: The sniper?
Hawkeye: Quiet! Come on.
Frank Burns: Me?
Hawkeye: He doesn't know we're out here, but we know he's in there, which gives us a good chance to catch him.
Frank Burns: Catch him?
Hawkeye: Or he catches us, whichever way it works out.
Frank Burns: Look, if you want to be a hero that much, you go.
Hawkeye: Frank, you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn. Come on.
Frank Burns: Wait! I'll come with you!

Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: This is eerie.
Hawkeye: Sit a little closer. It drives away the eeries.
Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: Why do I feel safe here with you?
Hawkeye: Search me; I don't.

---

"M*A*S*H: Picture This (#10.20)" (1982)

Charles: Pierce, day time is for talking. Night time is for sleeping.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Forget it.
B.J.: Look, we're over here fighting for democracy. All those in favor of turning off the light, say "Aye". Aye!
Charles: Aye.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Sorry, the polls closed at sundown. I will turn off this light when, and only when, I get to the end of this book.
Charles: Very well, Pierce.
[Gets out of bed, walks over to Hawkeye, picks up his book and tears off the last few pages and back cover, then hands it back to him]
Charles: You are now at the end of your book.
[Turns off light]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Turns light back on] Just a minute!
[a pillow is hurled at him]

Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Uh, Captain, your friends over THERE wanted me to tell you there is an empty seat OVER there.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's fine by me. I'm in better company alone.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You guys are really on the outs, huh?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do you have any idea how tough it is to live in the same shoebox with a couple of irrational jackasses?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Yeah, I know. They were just complaining how tough it is to live with ONE.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What a rotten thing to say.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't know, moving out of The Swamp seems a little drastic. I was thinking more along the lines of a murder/suicide kind of thing.

---

"M*A*S*H: As Time Goes By (#11.15)" (1983)

[Charles notices Hawkeye didn't put anything from Frank into the camp's time capsule]
Hawkeye: Well, I was going to leave his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons.

[last lines]
Hawkeye: I figure since we're burying everything else, why not the hatchet.

Hawkeye: [Hands over a teddy bear] This belonged to Radar; he left it for me. Let it stand for all the soldiers who came over as boys, and left as men.

---

"M*A*S*H: Lt. Radar O'Reilly (#5.4)" (1976)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Insanity is just a state of mind.

Hawkeye: [BJ is giggling] What's is it BJ?
B.J.: Play this on your mimeograph machine: Lieutenant Radar O'Reilly

Hawkeye: [Radar visits in his lieutenant uniform] You have been working really hard. Toting that barge. Lifting that bail.
B.J.: Not getting drunk and landing in jail.

---

"M*A*S*H: Taking the Fifth (#9.9)" (1981)

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I never thought I would use this term in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
Hawkeye: Well, why not? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.

Hawkeye: Read it out loud, I love the sound of my own skullduggery.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [reads note] "Savor an evening with Hawkeye Pierce, trade your boredom for some Bordeaux. The epitamy of the vintner's art. In 100 words or less, tell why you should be in a glass by yourself."
Hawkeye: Glass by yourself, I love that.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: "Please sign a code name so that your anonyminity may be preserved. Decision of the judge will be fine." What if there's a tie?
Hawkeye: Duplicate Hawkeyes will be awarded.

Hawkeye: [Spurned by yet another nurse] Don't you know you should never end a proposition with a sentence?

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Comrade (#7.11)" (1978)

Hawkeye: [after barging in and startling Charles, causing him to spill his wine on himself] Guess who, Charles!
B.J.: We're back!
Charles: You're like a belch from a bad onion!

B.J.: [All five men are drunk] Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Kwang, am I crazy, or-or is your English improving?
Hawkeye: Yeah.
Charles: Yeah.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Yeah, youz-you talkin' real good right now.
Kwang: Ah, yeah. W- Aaah, it must be the whiskey.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Ah.
Kwang: Fill me up, Charlie.
Charles: How dare, do you realize who you're tal- a day ago, I employ- oh, what the hell.
[pours Kwang some whiskey]

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Ma (#4.16)" (1975)

Col. Potter: I learned about foot care in World War I from Captain Harry S Truman, no less. He had a great pair of feet.
Hawkeye: Imprints of which may be found on General MacArthur's backside.

Hawkeye: What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind... actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.

---

"M*A*S*H: Oh, How We Danced (#9.14)" (1981)

Hawkeye: [Charles has been punched by Major Finch] Don't worry, Charles, every clout has a silver lining. You just put that tooth under your pillow tonight and by morning, the Winchester fortune will have been increased by a dime.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Please shut up, Pierce.
Hawkeye: [Holds up dukes] Oh yeah? You wanna make me?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Will you just let me bleed in peace?
Hawkeye: Or in pieces.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You want to know about my home life so you ask me what I do in the morning?
Hawkeye: Oh did I say home? I'm sorry, no, I meant the people. The people--people IN the home. I mean, what's a home without people? Just a big house with a dog in it. Don't let me interrupt you. Go ahead. What do you do first thing in the morning?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I open my eyes. That is generally followed by yawning and getting out of bed. Now stop me if this is getting too exciting for you.
Hawkeye: No, no, this is great. What do you do then?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I go downstairs, and Peg pours me a damn cup of coffee and I drink it. What difference does it make what I do in the morning?
Hawkeye: You're right, you're right. I've been running that subject into the ground. Let's just drop it.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Good.
Hawkeye: What do you do in the afternoon?

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Sis (#7.14)" (1978)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I understand the cook made us a traditional Christmas dinner.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Right, turkey on shingles with cranberry sausage.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [B.J. is dressed as Santa Claus] Listen, fella, I've actually seen Santa Claus. I sat on his lap once. And I'm here to tell you, you ain't him.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How can you tell, Virginia?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well in the first place, is that a brown mustache or are you eating a mouse?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella. Buzz off.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Gee. whatever happened to 'ho ho ho'?

---

"M*A*S*H: Out of Sight, Out of Mind (#5.3)" (1976)

B.J.: [after Hawkeye temporarily lost his sight] You don't want to think about what's going to happen, so you keep running.
Hawkeye: No, that's not it. That's not it, no. Look. Look. When Doctor Overman comes in here, and unwraps my package, I hope to God I'll have my sight back, but - Something fascinating's been happening to me.
B.J.: What's that, Hawk.
Hawkeye: One part of the world has closed down for me, but another part has opened up. Sure, I - I keep picturing myself on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers, but I'm going through something here I didn't expect. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to that - that rainstorm. And I - I didn't just hear it, I was a part of it. I'll bet you have no idea that - that rain hitting the ground makes the same sound as steaks when they're barbecuing. Or that-that thunder seems to echo forever. And you wouldn't believe what - how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. I bet - It had to be Burns. Beej, this is full of trapdoors, but I-I think there may almost be some kind of advantage in this. I've never spent a more conscious day in my life.

Hawkeye: [Pierce, who was blinded earlier in the episode, calls out] Is there a doctor in the house?!
Frank Burns: What is it, Pierce?
Hawkeye: Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here -- go get a doctor.

---

"M*A*S*H: Kim (#2.6)" (1973)

Trapper: [In letter] At first I thought it was the war, and this stinking place that made me... well... love him, I guess. But now I know it's more than that. The reasons aren't important. We think his parents are dead. Henry Blake wants to send him to an orphanage, and I hate the idea so much, I can't stand it.
Hawkeye: [reading letter] "I want us to adopt him, honey. He'd be the son we never had. I know the girls would be out of their little minds to have a brother. This is a decision we both have to make. Think about it carefully. You know my feelings, now it's really in your hands." That's beautiful.
Trapper: Okay, it's beautiful. But is it a mistake?
Hawkeye: How can you make a mistake giving a kid his life? You're all daddy.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Hey, guys. Uh, Kim got off all right and, uh, Sister Theresa says that he's gonna come back for a visit.
Hawkeye: Oh, that's nice.
Trapper: Very nice.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Uh, sir, are you still interested in adopting a son? I've been doing some researching... There's a little boy down in, um, Bong...
Trapper: Got anything about five foot five?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, no he's, uh...
Hawkeye: Wears dirty eyeglasses?
Trapper: Never shaves?
Hawkeye: A two-striper?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Ahem. Well, I am a little old but, uh, we could try it for a week.
Hawkeye: Sit down, and your father and I will tell you what we did to have you.

---

"M*A*S*H: Trick or Treatment (#11.2)" (1982)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Rather than sing, Super Mouth, why not try leaping off a tall building in a single bound?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can't help it, Charles. My voice is more powerful than a locomotive.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How do you feel?
Private Scala: I'll live.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You sure will. Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethescope?

---

"M*A*S*H: Henry in Love (#2.16)" (1974)

Hawkeye: [Nancy Sue is getting out a of jeep] I'm a doctor; you can believe me. That is a *nice* leg.
Trapper: That sweater's not stuffed with chopped liver. either.

Hawkeye: [pushes Nancy away after she kisses him passionately] In the first place I want to thank you from the bottom of my mouth. Secondly, we're not in the parking lot at the prom. And lastly, one of us loves Henry Blake, and I think it's me. It was nice meeting you and your pom-poms.

---

"M*A*S*H: Period of Adjustment (#8.6)" (1979)

[Hawkeye and BJ have made up after BJ punched Hawkeye in the face]
B.J.: Here's mud in your eye.
Hawkeye: Beats knuckles any day.

Hawkeye: I've been stuck in this sewer longer than you have, and nobody wants out of here more than I do.
B.J.: Really?
Hawkeye: Yeah, and let me tell you something else: you're wasting your time with that stuff. I can tell you from personal experience it won't work for long.
B.J.: Really?
Hawkeye: Yeah. It may get you drunk, but it won't get you home.
B.J.: Oh, yeah?
[BJ proceeds to destroy the still]
Hawkeye: What are you doing?
B.J.: Just trying not to waste any more time.
[Punches Hawkeye in the face then storms out]

---

"M*A*S*H: A Night at Rosie's (#7.23)" (1979)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [pouring beer into a bowl with Rice Krispies, then smiling] Listen to that... snap, crackle and burp.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: By the way, it's not July 4th. It's like, August 10th.
Dorsett: Whaddya know? I've been plastered for 5 weeks! That's a new record!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In Honolulu, maybe, but not here.

---

"M*A*S*H: Operation Noselift (#2.18)" (1974)

Hawkeye: Baker, all a nose is is a nose. It takes in air, and it breaks up the space between your eyes and your mouth. It has nothing to do with a person's value or quality. It's there to catch a cold through, or at which to look down on people from. Enjoy it. You've been given a good, strong, aquiline nose.
Private Danny Baker: That went back for seconds.
Trapper: I like it. Its got character.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's got a sort of assertive je ne sais quoi.
Private Danny Baker: And it arrives everywhere five minutes ahead of me.
Hawkeye: Hey, you don't have a copyright on it, you know.
Trapper: There are plenty of great people with big probosci.
Hawkeye: You know why Napoleon always kept his hand down here? He was scratching his nose.
Private Danny Baker: Look. I appreciate, and you're only trying to make me feel better.
Trapper: It's only true.
Private Danny Baker: You don't have to live with the jokes. "Excuse me, but my bus is late, and it's raining. Mind if I stand under your nose?" "Ever thought of putting in an attic?" At my draft board, the guy next to me says, "You could be 4-F. Just tell them you're an anteater." What about it?
Trapper: The point is, kid, we're not plastic surgeons.
Hawkeye: Yeah, it's not a tough operation, but it's a specialty. I mean we don't want to just "denosify" you. We want it done right.
Trapper: It's also against regulations.
Private Danny Baker: You think this is regulation?

Hawkeye: Hey, Trap. Major Houlihan just had her pulse taken by an octopus. St. George time.
Trapper: [in Southern accent, taking Maj. Houlihan in his arms] There, there, my Margaret. Ain't nothin' gonna harm you lessen' you leave old Uncle Trapper's arms.

---

"M*A*S*H: Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde (#2.5)" (1973)

Trapper: I thought you were asleep.
Hawkeye: Something funny is happening here, and I'm finally beginning to notice it. For the past couple of days, I've been making some very careful observations. There's a war going on here. People walking around with guns. Uniforms. Dozens of bodies coming in by helicopter and without exception, every single one of them is mangled in some way. Don't you see? It all adds up. There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.
Trapper: You figured that out, huh?
Hawkeye: I'm beginning to see a pattern.

Trapper: [Hawkeye wakes Trapper] What - What is it?
Hawkeye: Wake up.
Trapper: I thought you were asleep.
Hawkeye: Something funny is happening here, and I'm finally beginning to notice it. For the past couple of days, I've been making some very careful observations. There's a war going on here. People walking around with guns. Uniforms. Dozens of bodies coming in by helicopter and without exception, every single one of them is mangled in some way. Don't you see? It all adds up. There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.
Trapper: You figured that out, huh?
Hawkeye: I'm beginning to see a pattern.
Trapper: Why don't you go to sleep? You're turning into a 170-pound fruitcake.
Hawkeye: If I thought I could stop it just by going to sleep, don't you think I'd try?
Trapper: Look, close your bulbs, and it all goes away. Two or three hours later, it'll be tomorrow. If that gets unbearable, you check out again. See how it works.
Hawkeye: Somebody - and it wasn't you or me - started this war. Now who was it? What, did two guys slap each other with gloves and challenge themselves? It isn't Pearl Harbor, we already had one of those. I-I gotta find out who started it.
Trapper: And then what?
Hawkeye: And then I'll get them to call it off.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Colonel's Horse (#5.11)" (1976)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [knocking on Margaret's door] Fuller Brush Man. I have a special today. A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor.

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Waking up Hawkeye because of her hot appendix] Pulse is rapid, temperature's up. I can't stand it anymore.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm ready. Your tent or my father's Chevy?

---

"M*A*S*H: Yankee Doodle Doctor (#1.6)" (1972)

Frank Burns: [practicing reciting for upcoming film] "A group of brave men are at work in a make shift operating room struggling to save your sons and brothers while outside the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary."
Trapper: [Hawkeye barks like a dog] Down, boy, down, down! Roll over. Jump through that.
Frank Burns: "These are the saints in surgical garb, dedicated surgeons, all volunteers. Every red-blooded American knows, if he is wounded, he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Hawkeye, Trapper: A Yankee Doodle Doctor?! Stuck a feather in his nurse and called her macaroni.
Frank Burns: You didn't like it?
Hawkeye: Didn't like it? Let me count the ways.
Margaret: That's hardly a constructive criticism.
Hawkeye: Oh, you want a *constructive* criticism. You're right. How about, you stink! And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.
Frank Burns: Stinks?! Oh, you, you . . .
Hawkeye: Who you calling a you-you?

Hawkeye: [Recorded at the end of the film Hawkeye and Trapper made] Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a 50-50 chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns, and bombs, and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending for a movie. But then, no war is a movie.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Smell of Music (#6.15)" (1978)

Col. Potter: [Charles is constantly playing his horn and, in an act of protest, Hawkeye and B.J. have stopped bathing] Major, will you shut your mouth piece?
Hawkeye: [Charles stops playing] Now why didn't we think of that?
Col. Potter: I thought I told you kids to change your diapers.
Hawkeye: Not 'til he stops tooting.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's it! The irresistible force is about to polish off the immovable object.

---

"M*A*S*H: Of Moose and Men (#4.11)" (1975)

B.J.: Hard day at the office?
Hawkeye: I put a colonel back together. I used the spare parts of two majors.
B.J.: Good thinking.
Hawkeye: You?
B.J.: Nothing today. Set Sergeant Zale's hand yesterday. Got a "Dear John" from his wife and tried to go ten rounds with the mess tent stove.

B.J.: [asking Hawkeye, after noticing Frank scouring the ground with a metal detector] What's Frank up to?
Hawkeye: I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Mildred (#4.7)" (1975)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after watching Radar gently approach and lasso the wild horse] If only I could do that with nurses.

Hawkeye: [a Western movie is being shown] Three to one I'll take the Indians.
B.J.: It's a bet; five bucks. What's the name of this picture?
Hawkeye: Custer's Last Stand.

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Sigmund (#5.7)" (1976)

Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up on his bed after overhearing a conversation] Well, well...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, I thought that lump under his covers was dirty laundry.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It is.

[as the surgeons operate on an eight-year-old Korean girl]
Col. Potter: Someone dropped a bomb on her building from an airplane.
Bomber Pilot: Who did it?
Hawkeye: He just dropped it. He didn't autograph it.
Bomber Pilot: No I mean was it one of theirs or one of ours?
Col. Potter: What difference does that make?
Bomber Pilot: A lot. It makes a lot of difference.
Col. Potter: Not to her.

---

"M*A*S*H: Payday (#3.22)" (1975)

Nurse Baker: Captain Pierce, you dance divinely.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: My parents made me take divine lessons.
Nurse Baker: Smart parents.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It broke my heart to leave them back there on Krypton.

Captain Sloan: I'm Captain Sloan, Supervising Acc-Fin.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: "Acc-Fin?"
Captain Sloan: Accounting and Finance.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh. I'm Hawkeye Pierce, aggravated Doc-Surge.

---

"M*A*S*H: Bug Out (#5.1)" (1976)

Radar: Can you get drunk on Grape Nehi?
Hawkeye: I don't know, let's find out.

Hawkeye: [about to operate on a patient] All right, folks, time to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud.

---

"M*A*S*H: Post Op (#5.23)" (1977)

Wounded Soldier: What if they ask me where I got hit?
Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar.
Wounded Soldier: [Snort] Don't make me laugh.
Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet and there's nothing amusing about that.
Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it.
Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it.

Hawkeye: [the 4077th is dangerously low on blood] Now, Frank, how come you've never donated?
Frank Burns: Strategy. One of us should always have a full tank.
Hawkeye: Now why didn't I think of that?
Col. Potter: Because you're not an idiot.

---

"M*A*S*H: Inga (#7.16)" (1979)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How dare you do that to me in front of a room full of people! I have to work with them!
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You'll work with them a lot better when you start treating them like people.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't hand me that baloney. You're not standing up for her as a woman, you're really jealous of her, aren't you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Jealous of her?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Olive green.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Over you? Don't be an ass! You think everything revolves around you and your spectacular body, don't you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're raving.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You think a woman is dead until she lives for you. Well, let me tell you something, Benjamin Franklin, we actually survive without you. We live, we breathe, we dream, we do our work, we earn our pay, sometimes we even have our little failures, and then we pull ourselves together all without benefit of your fabulous electric lips! And let me tell you something else, buster. I can walk into that kitchen anytime I want, and replace those fabulous lips of yours with a soggy piece of liver!

Hawkeye: I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure; the spirit of pursuit; the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite!

---

"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad (#1.12)" (1972)

Henry Blake: [stammering] Uh, now, uh, the, uh,
[clears throat]
Henry Blake: excuse me, uh, the, uh, union of, uh, figure A, man, and, uh, figure B, uh, the, uh, woman...
[chuckles from lecture audience]
Henry Blake: ...is the most s-sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.
Trapper: Uh, sir?
Henry Blake: Mm-hmm?
Trapper: Um, what happens in the event that, um, figure A is attracted to figure B and wants to get married, but figure A is already married to, say, figure C, and figure B is engaged to figure D, but figure A can't keep his hands off of figure B because she's got such a great figure?
Henry Blake: Uh-huh. Uh, well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.
Hawkeye: That figures.

Hawkeye: Frank, you are ten of the most boring people I know.

---

"M*A*S*H: Commander Pierce (#7.1)" (1978)

Father Mulcahy: Remember, Hawkeye, patience is a virtue.
Hawkeye: And you're taxing my virtue.

[Hawkeye is the temporary CO]
Hawkeye: I don't know how to give orders.
Col. Potter: That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em.

---

"M*A*S*H: Divided We Stand (#2.1)" (1973)

Frank Burns: Why is someone's appendix in this boot?
Hawkeye: Because the other one is full of tonsils.

Gen. Crandell Clayton: [catching Captain Hildebrand drinking on the job] Captain Hildebrand!
Captain Hildebrand: These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags.
Hawkeye: Comes from a recipe first brewed in Hermann Goering's navel and handed down from war to war.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: You had a mission here, Captain.
Captain Hildebrand: Oh, I've done it. I can give you your report. In my short stay here I have seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses. I have seen voyeurism, fetishism, and a few isms I've never even heard of. And let me tell you this, General. These impossible people are in an impossible place, doing totally impossible work. They're mad, quite mad, all of them. And the only act I can think of that would be madder still, would be breaking them up.

---

"M*A*S*H: Margaret's Engagement (#5.2)" (1976)

Frank Burns: Listen, Pierce, why don't you and I go out on the town tonight, hmm?
Hawkeye: Well, this is so sudden, Frank, I don't have anything to wear.
Frank Burns: Well, I mean, get a couple of nurses, go over to Rosie's bar, have a little fun.
Hawkeye: Sounds good to me.
Frank Burns: There's this little redheaded nurse who's had her eye on me. And tonight her wish will come true.
Margaret: Do you mean that new girl with the freckles on her nose?
Frank Burns: Yes, that's the one.
Margaret: She's a little young for you, isn't she, Major Burns?
Frank Burns: Oh, I don't know. I thought a little youth might be nice for a change.

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: The convoy just took a direct hit.
Margaret: [miffed] If you'll excuse me, I'll just go finish my letter.
Hawkeye: You need any help holding up your pen?
Frank Burns: We got her on that one, didn't we?
[He, Hawkeye and B.J. laugh]

---

"M*A*S*H: Mr. and Mrs. Who? (#8.9)" (1979)

Shaw: Have you got it too, doctor?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, my pain is self-inflicted.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's suffering from bottle fatigue.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: A victim of hand to mouth combat.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are you serious about this girl, or is it a case of two Majors that pass-out in the night?

---

"M*A*S*H: Major Ego (#7.8)" (1978)

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce! Ignore them, captain. I assume that you'll want to start with some biographical information?
Capt. Tom Greenleigh: Well, I really don't have room for that. Just the facts.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, you w- of course. Well, I was born in upper Boston, where my family had lived for five generations...
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a modest, 20-room log cabin.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Due to my background and breeding, it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools: Choate, Harvard...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery...

Cpl.: [dressed up like Bette Davis] What a dump!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The decorator's here.

---

"M*A*S*H: Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler (#4.9)" (1975)

Colonel Flagg: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Blow away.
Colonel Flagg: Col. Potter, this man, this American, never signed his Officer's Loyalty Oath. And I intend to see that he's be thrown out of the service.
Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney.
B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?

Hawkeye: [Frank doesn't believe Chandler is Jesus because his prayer wasn't answered] Come on, Frank, just because you didn't get chocolate pudding at lunch...
Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: How did you know that's what I prayed for?
B.J.: You *always* pray for chocolate pudding.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Yalu Brick Road (#8.10)" (1979)

B.J.: ...We're lost.
Hawkeye: Lost? As in, "Where the hell are we"?
B.J.: Not totally lost, we're still in Asia.
Hawkeye: You said this is a shortcut!
B.J.: It is a shortcut! Look how fast we got lost.

Hawkeye: [to North Korean soldier] Sorry, we're not in the capturing department; that's on the 3rd floor, next to linens.

---

"M*A*S*H: Heal Thyself (#8.17)" (1980)

Capt. Steven J. Newsome: I remember once, we had dead men stacked up like corkwood.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Never a dull moment, huh?

[a visiting officer flips out]
B.J.: He was as strong as any of us.
Hawkeye: That's what scares me.

---

"M*A*S*H: Abyssinia, Henry (#3.24)" (1975)

Captain McIntyre: [rushing into the OR, shortly after Henry's departure...Trapper sees him unmasked] Radar, put a mask on!
Radar: I have a message.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If it's about my discharge, give it to me straight! I can take it!
Radar: [voice breaking] Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan...it spun in. There were no survivors.
[Margaret begins to cry softly...the surgeons continue their work in absolute silence]

Frank Burns: [a shocked Radar enters OR] Radar, put a mask on!
Hawkeye: If that's my discharge, give it to me straight, I can take it.
Radar: I have a message... Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake's plane
[starts breaking up]
Radar: was shot down over the sea of Japan... it spun in...
[starts crying]
Radar: there were no survivors.

---

"M*A*S*H: Bottle Fatigue (#8.16)" (1980)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, Lt. Mendenhall, as I live a breathe heavily.

---

"M*A*S*H: Bananas, Crackers and Nuts (#1.7)" (1972)

Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] What's this funny business?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's nothing funny to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
Maj. Frank Burns: Where'd you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You can't have any.
Maj. Frank Burns: Fine. But where did you get it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: From the North Korean.
Maj. Frank Burns: North Korean? What North Korean?
[beat]
Maj. Frank Burns: You mean the one that...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's right. The one that bit it.
[Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [outraged] You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!
[Trapper moves forward and slaps Hawkeye across the face]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't think I needed that.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Radar, take him back to the Swamp and make sure he takes the BLUE pills.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Frank] Flithy liver thief!

---

"M*A*S*H: Comrades in Arms: Part 2 (#6.13)" (1977)

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: With the exception of one small moment of glory in the operating room, it was for them a total disaster.
[pause]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Why are you smiling?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who's smiling? I'm not smiling.
[to BJ]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why are you smiling?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I'm not smiling.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [to Col. Potter] Why are you smiling?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm not smiling. This is serious.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: All right, I'll do it. But when I come back there better not be any smiling.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut, Col. Sherman T. Potter: Who's smiling?

---

"M*A*S*H: The Price (#7.17)" (1979)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Radar providing translation] Does he understand English?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'll find out. Do you speak English?
Ham: Yes.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Tooth Shall Set You Free (#10.14)" (1982)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Winchester groans like a cow] B.J dont forget it's your turn to milk Charles in the morning

---

"M*A*S*H: The Best of Enemies (#9.1)" (1980)

Hawkeye: I'm sitting here with my brass exposed.

---

"M*A*S*H: Guerilla My Dreams (#8.3)" (1979)

Lt. Hung Lee Park: You have done your duty. Now, I must do mine.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angrily] You son of a bitch!

---

"M*A*S*H: The Joker Is Wild (#11.4)" (1982)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's the slop de jour?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: This here's carrots and peas.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, succo-trash.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: Actually, sir, they're pretty good today. I highly recommend them.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What about this stuff?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: The beans, I wouldn't give them to my neighbor's dog. In fact, they're so old, they're has-beans.
[laughs like crazy]

---

"M*A*S*H: L.I.P. (Local Indigenous Personnel) (#2.7)" (1973)

Frank Burns: [Enters the swamp] Disgusting! Why is whenever I come in here it's disgusting?
Hawkeye: I think that says it all Frank.

---

"M*A*S*H: Yessir, That's Our Baby (#8.15)" (1979)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Klinger, my compliments to Zale on making that cradle.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hey, the handle part was my idea.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Congratulations, Klinger. This might mean a Nobel Prize. You have invented 'the stick'.

---

"M*A*S*H: Wheelers and Dealers (#10.5)" (1981)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [opening his mail package] Hey look, a polaroid!
Cpl.: Looks like a camera to me.

---

"M*A*S*H: Nurse Doctor (#8.7)" (1979)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.

---

"M*A*S*H: In Love and War (#6.7)" (1977)

Margaret: [both Hawkeye and Margaret are in the Swamp, drunk] This place stinks.
Hawkeye: Right.
Margaret: The food stinks, the liquor stinks, and the smell stinks!
Hawkeye: You said it.
Margaret: And the *war* stinks!
Hawkeye: It certainly does!
Margaret: What are you agreeing for? You're one of the things around here that stinks!

---

"M*A*S*H: No Laughing Matter (#9.13)" (1981)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Over P.A. system] Attention all personnel, it's now 12:01, which means it's no longer today, it's tomorrow. This is Benjamin Franklin Berle livening up your dead of night. Thanks to B.J. Hunnicut, I had a brief bout with jokus interruptus, but now I'm back to abnormal. So bare with me while I take care of some unfinished business. Hey Igor, keeper of the public ptomaine, before you go to bed, don't forget to walk tomorrow's breakfast. And let me tell you something, Margaret: you always talk about the leather but you never do anything about it. You know - you know what I mean? And a big hello to Charles, our chief procurement officer. I guess you found out you can't get to Tokyo on the layaway plan. You know? Heh heh. And the ever-popular Horace Baldwin, hereby awarded the fig leaf cluster for service above and beneath the call of duty. Ha ha ha ha. But seriously -...

---

"M*A*S*H: Life with Father (#3.8)" (1974)

Nurse Baker: Shall I diaper, Doctor?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes, and then the baby.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Young and the Restless (#7.18)" (1979)

Hawkeye: [Charles stumbles in drunk] Ahh, rose-nose! Welcome to skid row. Twenty cents a night - DT's included.
B.J.: Give him the binge rate. That's the third night he's come in this way.
Charles: [looks at Hunnicut] Brice,
[looks at Pierce]
Charles: Honeycomb...
B.J.: The rummy speaks!
Charles: Ruined! By a little twirp surgeon!
Hawkeye: Here we go again.
Charles: My life is going up in smoke!
Hawkeye: It will if you don't stop breathing on that stove!
Charles: Brilliant career, shot to smitheroons! That Potter's fault. First he keeps me here until my talents
[slur]
Charles: apt.private... And then he sends little Bobby Shaftnor to come here and
[slur]
Charles: humilna-nilnaliate me! I'll get even with him. Some day, he'll be older than I am, and
[slur]
Charles: 'n-I'll show him up!

---

"M*A*S*H: That Darn Kid (#10.21)" (1982)

Hawkeye: Klinger, did you put the money in the safe?
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: I didn't want to bother the colonel in triage. He's the only one who knows the combination.
Col. Sherman Potter: And no one's going to find out. It's Mildred's measurements.

---

"M*A*S*H: Requiem for a Lightweight (#1.3)" (1972)

[Discussing Trapper's opponent in a boxing tournament]
Radar: A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him. He punched it.
Trapper: He punched a jeep?
Radar: He knocked it out.
Trapper: Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps.
Hawkeye: Showboat.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Billfold Syndrome (#7.5)" (1978)

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [Drunk out of his mind and listening to Hawkeye and BJ make fun of him losing his position at Massachusetts General] Is that what you think... Beej? Is that what all you cretins think?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Did you hear something that sounded like Charles?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: The mummy speaks!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Indeed, and I'm going to rise from this hideous tomb and leave all you relics behind.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Going somewhere Charles?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You bet your beer soaked brain I am.
[Holds up piece of paper]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Read this and weep. This is from the Massachusetts General Hospital, see
[mumbling drunk]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Mahahuhet genel hopital. You are looking at the next chief of thoracic surgery
[hiccups on thorasic]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: . Gentlemen, eat my DUST!
[throws paper down with a sinister grin]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, we got him to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That's nothing, I can make him yell. Charles, uh, I wouldn't pack my bags just yet
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No... uh... see... Beej and I sort of... uh... well... know about... your news
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You read my telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Read your-oh heavens no.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: We would never read your telegram.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We wrote it.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You wrote that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well I have to admit it's not the nicest thing we've ever done, but you have to realize that you challenged us!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: There was no other way to get you to talk.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We don't like to lose Charles.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Especially to you.

---

"M*A*S*H: House Arrest (#3.18)" (1975)

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I've never been to a rape before.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Maybe for your next birthday.

---

"M*A*S*H: Tea and Empathy (#6.17)" (1978)

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Is that still your first patient Winchester? I'm on my third.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's probably running his credit.

---

"M*A*S*H: An Eye for a Tooth (#7.13)" (1978)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Has Margaret's hair come down yet?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Ha-haa! You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her. Her eyes were spinning round like phonograph records! Hee-hee-hee! I-heh- I haven't had so much fun sin-h-ce- Ha!- since...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Since your chauffer ran over the squirrel?

---

"M*A*S*H: The Foresight Saga (#9.19)" (1981)

Hawkeye: Oh, come on Charles. Open your heart and dust it.

---

"M*A*S*H: Bless You Hawkeye (#9.17)" (1981)

Hawkeye: I put my fishing rod down on this blue... wooden seat in the middle of this boat... and I stood up to get some more bait. Then I went into the water. I remember there was laughing right before I went in, and then I didn't hear anything, and then I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything, there was just... all this water. And I remember, I tried to scream and nothing came out. Then this hand came down, grabbed my collar and yanked me out.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: But how did you get INTO the water?
Hawkeye: I stood up...
[beginning to grown tense]
Hawkeye: ... And he was just kidding around...
[emotions swill and finally peak]
Hawkeye: HE PUSHED ME!
[sobs loudly]
Hawkeye: AAAH-HAAAAH! WHY'D HE DO THAT? I LOVED HIM! I LOVED HIM! I HATED HIM! WHY'D HE PUSH ME? I got back in the boat, and he said to me, "you're so clumsy. If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead." And I thanked him. He pushed me into the water, and I hated him so much for that, and all I could do was thank him.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: Why couldn't you say you hated him?
Hawkeye: I couldn't. I couldn't even think it. I loved him!

---

"M*A*S*H: A War for All Seasons (#9.6)" (1980)

Hawkeye: Margaret, wasn't this potholder supposed to be a scarf?
Margaret: It hasn't been a scarf in weeks. I'm knitting a sweater for a pilot I met in Tokyo.
Hawkeye: And I'm the mannequin who came to dinner.

---

"M*A*S*H: Patent 4077 (#6.16)" (1978)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Sgt. Zale's prototype clamp malfunctions, and won't loosen from Hawkeye's hand] I am now *officially* in EXTREME PAIN. Don't believe me?
[screams loudly]

---

"M*A*S*H: That's Show Biz (#10.1)" (1981)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [upon diagnosing appendicitis] That's right up my alley, I wrote the book on the appendix. I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Consultant (#3.17)" (1975)

Major Taylor: A British artery in an American leg, eh?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
Major Taylor: Probably develop an irresistible urge to drive on the left side of the road.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Quite.

---

"M*A*S*H: Germ Warfare (#1.11)" (1972)

Maj. Frank Burns: I'm fine! I'm completely fine! The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ghouls. That's a nice thing to call us vampires.

---

"M*A*S*H: Sticky Wicket (#1.21)" (1973)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You’re not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thanks. You know something Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.

---

"M*A*S*H: Mail Call (#2.23)" (1974)

Hawkeye: [about Frank Burns] I wish someone would tear him down and put up a human being.

---

"M*A*S*H: A Full Rich Day (#3.12)" (1974)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I thought you said he was dead!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [shrugs] He got better.

---

"M*A*S*H: The Merchant of Korea (#6.14)" (1977)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Charles, how come you never sweat?
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: In the first place, I do not sweat; I perspire. In the second place, I never perspire.

---

"M*A*S*H: Are You Now, Margaret? (#8.2)" (1979)

Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Of course not, only if they're sick.

---

"M*A*S*H: War of Nerves (#6.4)" (1977)

Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [after Hawkeye and BJ put a cot on the bonfire] How can you do that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's just a thing. It has no intrinzic value.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides, it's yours.

---

"M*A*S*H: O.R. (#3.5)" (1974)

Frank Burns: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Frank Burns: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
Frank Burns: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
Frank Burns: Will you watch your language?
Margaret: There are nurses present.
Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
Frank Burns: Smut merchant.
Henry Blake: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Frank Burns: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!

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"M*A*S*H: Give 'Em Hell, Hawkeye (#10.4)" (1981)

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: I just received this letter from my superior at HQ.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I didn't know there was a "Father Superior".

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"M*A*S*H: The Price of Tomato Juice (#4.15)" (1975)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Major Burns] You're gonna get the distinguished stingy cross.

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"M*A*S*H: Change of Command (#4.2)" (1975)

Col. Potter: [meeting Hawkeye for the first time after reviewing his personnel file] I take it you drink?
Hawkeye: Only to excess.

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"M*A*S*H: Death Takes a Holiday (#9.5)" (1980)

Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, Hawk, let's go before they run out of powdered egg nog.
Hawkeye: [exits The Swamp wearing glasses and a fake nose] All right, all right. Don't rush me. I barely had time to put on my face.

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"M*A*S*H: Hanky Panky (#5.18)" (1977)

[a letter to Margaret has arrived opened]
Radar: Sometimes they come like that!
Margaret: And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages!
B.J.: Oh, come on Margaret, that's uncalled for.
Hawkeye: It's not fair!
Radar: Yea, and it wasn't even very intimate either!

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"M*A*S*H: Pressure Points (#10.15)" (1982)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The gravy was better than usual tonight... you could cut it with a fork.

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"M*A*S*H: Love and Marriage (#3.20)" (1975)

Radar: [Hawkeye just delivered a baby] We don't have any diapers here.
Hawkeye: We can just use your shorts.

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"M*A*S*H: Exorcism (#5.12)" (1976)

Maj. Frank Burns: [about Koreans] Savages!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Frank, those "savages" were printing with movable type in 1403.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's right. I was in 1402 and didn't get a wink of sleep all night.

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"M*A*S*H: Carry On, Hawkeye (#2.11)" (1973)

Hawkeye: You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?
Margaret: Yes.
Hawkeye: Well it worked, I got it.
Margaret: Are you sure?
Hawkeye: I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, okay? First I'm hot, then I'm cold, and my knees are in business for themselves. My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all night latrine that takes servicemen. Now, have I got the flu or am I just in love?
Margaret: Do you think you can operate?
Hawkeye: I've got to. What am I going to tell the casualties? To stop bleeding until I feel better?
Hawkeye: [Hawkeye takes out the thermometer]
Margaret: I want to see if you have a fever.
Hawkeye: Oh, trust me. I've got fever to burn.

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"M*A*S*H: White Gold (#3.23)" (1975)

Trapper: You're gonna kill yourself.
Col. Flagg: If I have to.
Trapper: Hey, that's the spirit.
Hawkeye: Yeah, if we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you.

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"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Cruel World (#8.21)" (1980)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right over here Klinger, I'm all dressed up with no where to sew.

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"M*A*S*H: Aid Station (#3.19)" (1975)

Margaret: The least you could do is get out of the jeep.
Hawkeye: Oh okay.
[Dismounts from the jeep]
Hawkeye: Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.

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"M*A*S*H: Springtime (#3.6)" (1974)

Lyle Wesson: Hey, doc, they're getting ready to send me back! But, before I go, I wanted to get your home address, so we can be pen pals after the war.
Hawkeye: [wanting this guy off of his back] Oh, no, you don't want to do that - I'm very boring, and besides, I write everything in prescription.

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"M*A*S*H: Hey, Doc (#4.5)" (1975)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel, about the sniper...
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm working at my desk, and Radar is scared.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do something about it.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I can work twice as hard; Radar can you be twice as scared?

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"M*A*S*H: The Life You Save (#9.20)" (1981)

Father Mulcahy: [Mulcahy is on garbage detail] There just isn't room for anymore.
Col. Sherman Potter: Well, Padre, you gotta ditch it some place. Preferably down wind.
Father Mulcahy: I can't. Winchester has all the transportation lying around in little pieces on bed linen.
Margaret: That's what I want to talk to you about.
[Hawkeye enters]
Hawkeye: Colonel, the motor pool has been taken completely apart and Klinger has to get to the 8063rd right away.
Col. Sherman Potter: Why?
Hawkeye: Because...It's a long story, but whatever idiot was in charge of the mess tent before I was stuck me with 75 missing trays.
Father Mulcahy: I'm the idiot who stuck you with those trays. And it was 50!

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"M*A*S*H: Old Soldiers (#8.18)" (1980)

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Pearce you can really pack it in.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well I've always enjoyed having breakfast in bedlam.

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"M*A*S*H: Bombed (#3.15)" (1975)

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [as he is being pulled from a bombed latrine, a dazed Father Mulcahy recounts a childhood memory] Sis and I picked these apples from under the tree. I remember, I said "You can't make a pie out of crabapples!" And she said, "I learned how in the girl scouts."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: She used brown sugar, and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Get him back to his tent, let him rest.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Mommy came into the kitchen and said "What the hell is going on in here?"
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [thinking that the dress-wearing Cpl. Klinger is his mother] I remember Mommy. You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear!

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"M*A*S*H: The More I See You (#4.22)" (1976)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [delivering welcome basket to nurses] The mess tent is right across the street.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Dinner is at 7.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nausea is at 8.

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"M*A*S*H: Officers Only (#2.15)" (1973)

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major Burns is ready to assist.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What do you think I'm doing? Stalling 'til my room is ready?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon!

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"M*A*S*H: B. J. Papa San (#7.15)" (1979)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] Figaro, figaro figaro figaro. Shave and a haircut, two bits.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Oh, is that where that's from?

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"M*A*S*H: Hawk's Nightmare (#5.13)" (1976)

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Some people have extra sensory perception.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I knew you were gonna say that.

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"M*A*S*H: Where There's a Will, There's a War (#10.16)" (1982)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: To Erin Hunnicutt, I leave a list of all the young men your daddy took care of while he was in Korea. Many of them have him to thank for being alive today. I want you to understand why he had to be away from you those first years of your life. I hope I have the chance to give you this list in person, but around here you never know.

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"M*A*S*H: 38 Across (#5.15)" (1977)

Col. Potter: [Frank is telling his story after being taken by North Korean soldiers in a jeep] Why didn't you bring the jeep back?
Frank Burns: The jeep?
B.J.: Yeah, it's a big green thing.
Hawkeye: Looks like a turtle with a thyroid condition.

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"M*A*S*H: Letters (#9.2)" (1980)

Hawkeye: [answering a letter from a boy whose brother died in Korea] Dear Billy, don't take your love for your brother and turn it into hate. Hate causes wars and war is what killed your brother.

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"M*A*S*H: The Winchester Tapes (#6.5)" (1977)

Hawkeye: [BJ and Hawkeye have been changing the size of Charles's pants] So, uh, what's next for him?
B.J.: Starting tomorrow, he gets taller.

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"M*A*S*H: Hot Lips Is Back in Town (#7.19)" (1979)

Col. Sherman T. Potter: Tell your nurses not to be afraid to carry litters if they have to. Some of them are stronger than I am.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can I have names?

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"M*A*S*H: The Chosen People (#2.19)" (1974)

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: The mother says it is.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
Capt. Sam Pak: That's possible. You all look alike to us.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, Radar. Level. Could you be the father?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Of course I could, but I'm not. I mean, I do, but I didn't!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you admit that you know her?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sure I know her. She's from the village. I've run into her a few times.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, *once* anyway.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No! Never!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You'd better be telling the truth, Radar. They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, why would she pick on you?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Of all people.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys!

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"M*A*S*H: Showtime (#1.24)" (1973)

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not eating, Father. You know something I don't know?
Father Mulcahy: Something's troubling me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Think of me as your mother, Father.
Father Mulcahy: May I make a confession?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: As long as you don't use any real names.
Father Mulcahy: For some time now, I've been comparing the disparity of our callings - Doctor versus priest. You fellows are always able to see the end result of your work. I mean, you know immediately if you've been successful. For me, the results are far less tangible. Sometimes... most of the time... I honestly don't know whether I'm doing any good or not.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I used to have a professor in med school who always said, "God cures the patients, but the doctor takes the fee."
Father Mulcahy: Do you think that's true?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm able to do a lot of things in surgery that I'm not really good enough to do.
Father Mulcahy: Thanks, Hawkeye.

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"M*A*S*H: Bulletin Board (#3.16)" (1975)

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Trapper and Hawkeye are talking during the movie] Do you two mind! It's Shirley Temple!
Trapper: You know she's not really a kid, Radar.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, her parents stunted her growth. Made her sleep in a short bed and smoke.

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"M*A*S*H: To Market, to Market (#1.2)" (1972)

[a chopper is carrying Lt. Col. Blake's desk away]
Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk?
Henry Blake: Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry Blake: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up... up... up...
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place, I'm sure.

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