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: What's a blowjob? Young Stu
: I have no idea. But I overheard my dad saying that he gets one once a year on his birthday, so it must be good.
: Charlie Logan, you are not my boyfriend anymore! I hex you! Young Charlie
: You what? Goth Girl
: I hex you. You will never be happy! Around you love will fall like rain. You won't hold it. Your heart will pain! Once the girl has been with you, to the next she will be true! Young Stu
: Was that Phil Collins?
: Stu, run it by me again? Kissing is first base. Second base is boob. Third base is... Young Stu
: Finger. Young Charlie
: Finger? Young Stu
: Or thumb.
: Do you like it when I eat your penguin ass?
: Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
: What's sex without love? Stu
: Sex! It's still sex!
: Why do you want to take me out to dinner? Charlie
: You look hungry.
: [about penguin behavior
] When a male is sweet on a female, he searches the entire beach to find the perfect pebble to present to her. When he finally finds it, he waddles over and presents the stone by placing it at her feet. If she accepts, they'll be life-long mates. Charlie
: It's kind of like an engagement ring.
: Stu, Cam. Cam, Stu Stu
: It's actually *Doctor* Stu. I'm a reconstructive surgeon. If anyone has an accident or was born with a deformity, I'm there to help. Charlie
: And by "deformity" he means small breasts. Stu
: He's just jealous because he has to clean plaque all day long while I'm out making the world a better place.
: Shit! Shit shit SHIT... pardon my French. Charlie
: I speak a little French and that sounded like "shit."
: See you in six months for a routine stabbing.
Woman in Car
: [pulls out a condom from her bra
] Do you want top or bottom? Charlie
: Put that back in your secret boobie place.
: Megan, I swear I know you from someplace. Megan Gilles
: We went to high school together. Charlie
: Megan... What's your last name? Megan Gilles
: Gilles. Charlie
: Gilles. I knew a Matthew Gilles. God, you do look like him. Is that your brother? Megan Gilles
: Actually that was me before the operation.
: [about having meaningless sex with many women
] It's not that satisfying. Stu
: I'll tell you not satisfying. Last night I masturbated into a grapefruit. I put it into a microwave and heated it up a little bit, which helped, but... still.
: Why teeth? Charlie
: Same reason as every other dentist. Couldn't get into med school. Cam Wexler
: That's funny! Charlie
: My parents didn't think so.
: It's that word, man. Love. I wanted to say it but I just couldn't. How could I say something if I don't feel it? Stu
: Easy. Lie! What do you think all relationships are based on, man? Lies!
: I've got to put the curse to the test. Where is she? Stu
: She's beached over there next to the giant garbage bag full of doughnut holes. Eleanor Skepple. She's angry, rude, and she smells bad. In addition to back acne, she's got front acne and side acne. You see that glass of water there? She keeps her teeth in that glass. Charlie
: So you're saying she's single. Stu
: She's your best bet, man. You sink the soldier all you want. This chick ain't never getting married. If she was the last woman on the face of the earth, humanity would come to a screeching halt.
: I have to set her free. Let nature take it's course. If you love something, set it free, right? Stu
: I think Cam is really going to respond to the new gay you, Chuck.
: I don't want to take advantage of you. Woman in Car
: Aww. Look, don't take this so seriously. I'm not. I'm doing this on a lark. And you won't be taking advantage of me. Do you know how many loser boyfriends I have had? Do you know how many times I have given myself, body, mind, soul, hoping this was it, this was the one, only to find out he was just another asshole? Look, if there is even a chance, and I mean a .0001% chance that you're the key, that being with you could open the door to something better, well, I think I'd be taking advantage of you. Charlie
: [after a pause
] Do you want to have sex before or after dinner? Woman in Car
: Actually I have dinner plans.
: Stu, I've lost the most special person in my life. I have to break this spell. Stu
: You haven't lost me, dude. I'm here for you always. Charlie
: Just drive the fucking car!
: My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy. I've never said this to anybody before in my whole life. Cam... I love you. I love you, Cam.
: I'm a doctor. Stu
: He's a heart surgeon. You're a dentist. It's like saying General Patton and Colonel Mustard are both military men.
: It's really good. Fuck me. Fuck me harder. Oh, yeah. Fuck me! Fuck me! Charlie
: I'm fucking! Dirty Talker
: Fuck me, you cocksucking, cum-guzzling shithead! Split my pussy in two! You motherfucking asshole!
] Dirty Talker
: Is something wrong?
: Oh, God. Charlie
: Oh, God! Holy Lover
: Oh, God! Charlie
: Oh, God! Holy Lover
: Oh, Jesus Christ, almighty! God, my savior! I shall adore thee now until forever more! Oh! Amen! Would you like to pray with me now? Charlie
: Uh... no.
: If she wants me to be more like a gentoo, I'm going to be more like a gentoo. Stu
: You lost me. Charlie
: Gentoo. It's a monogamous penguin. Stu
: Who's ridiculed by the other penguins for being a *fag*.
: [Carol is giving Charlie oral sex on a beach
] Oh God. Oh my God, Carol! Carol
: [with her mouth full
] I love you! Charlie
: Okay! Carol
: I love you! Charlie
: Ohh, that's nice! Carol
: [immediately stops
] "That's nice?" I'm licking the sand off your balls and all you can say is "That's nice?"
: I just don't think the L-word should be thrown around. Carol
: The L-word? What are you, eight? Try the F-word and the U-word.