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Quotes for
Caligula (Character)
from "I, Claudius" (1976)

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Caligula (1979)
[first lines]
Caligula: I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night. Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man and therefore I am a God.

Caligula: Let them hate me, so long as they fear me.

[at an orgy]
Caligula: Longinus, you're not having any fun! Enjoy yourself! What is your preference?
Longinus: Everything and nothing Caesar.

Caligula: I hear you have a taste for little boys. Is that not so?
Chaerea: No Caesar, big boys.

Tiberius: Do you prefer nymphs to satyrs?
Caligula: I like both, Lord.
Tiberius: One needs both, yes, to keep healthy.

Tiberius: Do you think this boy has been drinking?
Caligula: I think he has, Caesar.
Tiberius: So do I. Macro? Bring him more wine!

Caligula: Caesar begged you.

[after a man is decapitated]
Caligula: If only all of Rome had just one neck.

Tiberius: Serve the state, Caligula, though the people in it are wicked beasts.
Caligula: But they love you, lord.
Tiberius: Oh, no... they FEAR me... and that is much better.

Tiberius: It is fate that rules us, Little Boots, not any god.
Caligula: You are a god.
Tiberius: No, I'm NOT! Not even when I'm dead.
Caligula: Julius Caesar and Augustus Caesar, they are gods.
Tiberius: So says the senate, and so the people prefer to believe. Such myths are useless.

Julia Drusilla: You are a fool.
Caligula: Caesar cannot be a fool!
Julia Drusilla: But he's trying very hard...
Caligula: Caesar cannot be a fool!

Nerva: Tiberius, you were wise once.
Tiberius: Don't taunt me! I am old.
Nerva: I've watched you grow into a monster! One by one, I've seen you murder your whole family, your friends, the noblest men in Rome.
Caligula: That is treason!
Nerva: No, it's the truth.
Tiberius: I am and always have been surrounded by enemies. In my own family, in the senate... You are cruel!
Nerva: Honest old men can sometimes see the future. So, from the evils past, and the evils yet to come, I now choose to escape.

Macro: Forgive me, Prince. The emperor commands you to wait upon him.
Caligula: What does he want?
Macro: A last look at you, perhaps. He is 77.
Caligula: May he live forever!

Caligula: Jupiter loves ME!

[Nerva is dying]
Caligula: Nerva, what's it like?
Nerva: Warm, no pain... just drifting away.
Caligula: Can you see her?
Nerva: Who?
Caligula: The goddess, Isis?
Nerva: So you're one of those who believe...
Caligula: Do you see her?
Nerva: No.
Caligula: Are you sure? You're almost dead! What's it like, what's happening to you now?
Nerva: Slowly... drifting... like sleep...
Caligula: Liar... you can see her, I know you can! What is she like?
Nerva: No... Slowly...
Caligula: LIAR!

Tiberius: Do you think this boy has drunk enough wine?
Caligula: I think he's drunk enough, Lord.
Tiberius: So do I!
[stabs the drunk man with a sword]
Tiberius: Now he is happy.

Tiberius: If someone else had become emperor, I would've been killed... As you will be!
[Tiberius quickly walks away as Caligula realizes]
Caligula: Will be?
[Caligula runs after Tiberius]
Caligula: Will be, Grandfather?
Tiberius: Would be, if you were not my heir.

Proculus: Divine Ceasar, PLEASE! What have I done? Why am I here?
Caligula: Treason!
Proculus: Treason? I have always been loyal to you!
Caligula: [laughs insanely] That IS your treason! You're an honest man, Proculus, which means a bad Roman! Therefore, you are a traitor! Logical, hmm? Ha, ha, ha!

[Caligula stands in front of a large pile of documents he's about to put his stamp on]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[stamps document, servant removes it from the pile]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the... senate... and...
[browses through the large pile of documents]
Caligula: the people of Rome.
[Stamps document, servant removes it from pile]
Caligula: . I, Caligula Caesar,
[starts speaking faster]
Caligula: command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
Caligula: [speaking much faster] I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[speaking almost unintelligible, stamps between each repeat]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome. I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome. I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome. Rome! Rome! Rome! Caesar! Caesar! Rome! Rome! Rubbish! Rubbish!
[calms down]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[stamps, looks at servant]
Caligula: No wonder life's so dull!

[Caligula is raping Livia]
Caligula: Open your EYES, Livia! Lucky girl... to lose one's virginity to a direct descendent of the goddess... I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the... Open your eyes, Proculus! Command in the name of the senate-OPEN THEM!-the senate, and the people of... Rome!

[Caligula's child - who he has just announced as his son - has been born]
Julia Drusilla: It's a girl.
Caligula: It is not a girl! Did you not hear Caesar say?
Julia Drusilla: I heard the voice of Caesar. But your daughter did not.

[Caligula is sick with the fever]
Attendent: I offer my life if Jupiter will only spare our beloved Emperor!
Caligula: Jupiter accepts your offer.
[Caligula turns to his guards]
Caligula: Execute him.

Chaerea: Where is Britain?
Caligula: Where? There!
Chaerea: Ah, yes, Lord, there.

Chaerea: [at an empty battlefield] There is no enemy.
Caligula: There is papyrus cane!
Chaerea: Papyrus cane, divine Caesar?
Caligula: Yes, papyrus! Don't be so stupid, Chaerea! Order my army to attack and destroy that papyrus!
Chaerea: Yes, lord.
Caligula: After all, we must have some proof that I conquered Britain!
[breaks out laughing]

Chaerea: [Caligula is blocked from entering the palace] Password!
Caligula: Scrotum.
Chaerea: So be it!
[Chaerea strikes Caligula down with his sword]

[last lines]
[the bloodied Caligula is dying after Chaerea strikes him on his head with a sword]
Caligula: [insanely whimpering] I... live!

Caligula: Speaking statues.

Caesonia: They are senators and consuls. They are important men.
Caligula: So important that they prove all I do?
Caesonia: They must be mad.
Caligula: I don't know what else to do to revolt them.

Torment (1944)
Caligula: This is cheating, sir! Cheating!

Caligula: Mr.Widgren is lazy, he ignores me and my homeworks.

Caligula: Which verbs take the ablative absolute?

Caligula: Examples of the genitive with impersonal verbs. Kreutz?
Kreutz - Student: Miseret, paenitet, piget, pudet, taedet.

Caligula: Caesar hostem aggressus devicit. Widgren?
Jan-Erik Widgren: Caesar defeated the enemy.
Caligula: Example of what?
Jan-Erik Widgren: Participial construction.
Caligula: Which one?
Jan-Erik Widgren: Participium coniunctum. Predicative attribute.
Caligula: Of what?
[Widgren fails to answer]
Caligula: Didn't you prepare for the lesson?

The Robe (1953)
Caligula: They're going into a better kingdom! They're going into a better kingdom! They're going to meet their king! They're going to meet their king!

Diana: [Marcellus has just been sentenced to execution; Diana leaves the podium to stand at his side] Sire, Marcellus is my chosen husband. I wish to go with him.
Caligula: Stand back! You're not on trial! There's no evidence against you!
Diana: Then if it please you, sire, I'll provide evidence. I have no wish to live another hour in an empire ruled by *you*! You dare to call yourself a Caesar. Once the Caesars of Rome were noble, but in you, noble blood has turned to poison. You corrupt Rome with your spite and malice.
Caligula: Stop! Stop it!
Diana: That *you* should be Caesar, vicious, treacherous, drunk with power, an evil, insane monster posing as emperor.
Caligula: STOP IT!
Diana: As for me, I have found another king. I want to go with my husband into his kingdom.
Caligula: Then, by the gods, you shall! Go, both of you, into your kingdom!

Caligula: Enough for now. He's no use to us dead.

Caligula: You put him to death? Then why are you risking your life for him?
Marcellus Gallio: I owe Him more than my life.

Demetrius and the Gladiators (1954)
Caligula: [hallucinating] Do you see her Claudius ? The Goddess Diana. Every night she comes to me. My arms. There there she goes. Now do you see her ?
Claudius: No, sire.
Caligula: [angrily] Why not ?
Claudius: Only you gods are privileged to see each other.

Caligula: Christian. Do you renounce your false god ? This king of an invisible kingdom... who expects to come back some day and rule the earth ?
Demetrius: [after a long pause] There is no other king but Caesar. There is no power greater than his, in this world, or any other.
Caligula: By the mercy of Caesar, you are a free man.

Caligula: I have the power of life and death over every being in the empire! My power is as great as any god's! True?
Claudius: True, sire.
Caligula: Why should I have to die? Who should I have to suffer death like any plebeian, any slave? Is that logical? Is it?
Claudius: No, sire.

Caligula: Philosophers! Their brains are full of mildew!

I, Claudius (1937)
Caligula: Grandmother, you remember my dear Uncle Claudius who prefers the society of pigs to that of the court?
Livia: I have asked Claudius to be present at these ceremonies, and to be my guest at dinner tonight.
Caligula: But grandmother, think of his table manners.
Livia: Be silent, you impudent puppy. You take your uncle for a fool, but he's not. I sometimes think he pretends to be one, so as to make fools of us. Far from being a fool, he's the last decent man left alive in Rome. One can rely on him. If he makes a promise he keeps it. And when he swears to the truth, it is the truth. Am I right, Claudius?
[Claudius tries to stammer a reply]
Caligula: Don't let him start talking, he might have a stroke.

Caligula: How wonderful to see you again, dear Uncle Claudius. I thought you were on your farm.
Claudius: I was or-or-
Caligula: You were or-or
Claudius: Ordered to attend.
Caligula: I hear you're teaching your pigs to read. Is that true?
Claudius: My pigs? Why?
Caligula: So as to have readers for all the Roman histories you write.

Caligula: I now honor this noble house by appointing Incitatus, the greatest race horse in the Empire, a member of the Senate.

Claudius: It's good to see y-you're better, Caesar.
Caligula: I haven't been ill. I'm simply undergoing a change. It's the most momentous transformation that any human being has ever achieved. A prophecy is about to be fulfilled. I am being - reborn.
Claudius: I hope your condition is not t-t-too painful.
Caligula: It is painful to be one's own mother. Well, idiot, can't you see any change in me?
Claudius: I was blind not to see it instantly. You're no longer human. May I be the first to worship you, as a g-g-g-god?
Caligula: It took you a long time to perceive that I'm no longer human.

"Xena: Warrior Princess: The God You Know (#6.12)" (2001)
Caligula: Now I remember why I love to kill Elijans, it's the only thing that shuts them up!

Caligula: Well, the demon with wings said that if I spilt her blood it would ensure my legacy as the greatest of all Gods.
Xena: The demon with wings?
[she pauses and realizes that Michael was who Caligula was referring to]
Xena: Ah.

Caligula: Lust and violence or truth and hope.
Caligula: Hm-m, I think I'll stick with the status quo.
[he takes a dagger and poses to kill Eve]
Xena: [walks in] Oh, fabulous.
Eve: [angry] What?
Xena: Caligula, what on Earth did you think you were doing?
Eve: [Eve turns over to her mother and walks over to her] I don't NEED you, to interfere with my missi-
[Xena punches her down]
Eve: Ugh!
Xena: Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?

"I, Claudius: Zeus, by Jove! (#1.9)" (1976)
[to Claudius]
Caligula: Go in peace. I was thinking about killing you, but I've changed my mind.

[Caligula has recovered from his illness]
Caligula: I was never really ill. I was undergoing a metamorphosis.
Claudius: Oh... was it painful?
Caligula: It was like a birth... in which the mother delivers herself.
Claudius: Oh. It must have been painful.

Caligula: [Macro enters holding Gemellus's severed head] I've cured his cough!

"Red Dwarf: Meltdown (#4.6)" (1991)
Caligula: Very well. Rasputin, bring in the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers.

Caligula: Very well. Rasputin, bring hither the skin diving suit with the bottom cut out, and unleash the rampant wildebeest.

Caligula: [stopping Rasputin giving Lister the paddle] Do you think I'm insane?
The Cat: Shall we take a quick vote?
Caligula: Silence, scum!

"I, Claudius: Reign of Terror (#1.8)" (1976)
Tiberius: I will make you my successor, Gaius Caligula. Rome deserves you.
Caligula: Is that a joke, uncle?
Tiberius: Not yet, but it will be.

[Tiberius is asking questions about Macro]
Tiberius: Do you know him personally?
Caligula: No, but I've slept with his wife several times.

Claudius: Caligula, if you get the chance, you must speak up for them.
Caligula: Of course I shall. For mother, anyway. To tell you the truth, I couldn't give a damn about Drusus and Nero.
Claudius: But they're your brothers.
Caligula: Yes, I know. But then, you don't like Aunt Livilla, and she's your sister. Now, I *love* my sisters, uncle.
Claudius: Yes, I know.

"I, Claudius: Hail Who? (#1.10)" (1976)
[to an unruly stadium crowd]
Caligula: If you only had one neck, I'd hack it through.

Caligula: Do you think I'm mad?
Claudius: Mad?
Caligula: Yes, sometimes I think that I'm going mad. Do you - be honest with me - has that thought ever crossed your mind?
Claudius: Never. Never. The idea is preposterous. You set the standard of sanity for the whole world.

Marcus: To tell the truth, lord, nature calls. It must have been something I ate last night.
Caligula: Don't look at me. If I decide to doctor your food, you won't have to wait until morning to find out.
[laughs uproariously]

Messalina vs. the Son of Hercules (1964)
Caligola: [referring to Glaucus] He's much too heroic to die like a slave under the yoke. He'll do it much more gracefully in the arena.

Caligola: Have the slave brought to the torture.

"I, Claudius: Queen of Heaven (#1.7)" (1976)
Caligula: [Livia is on her deathbed] I hear you're dying, great grandmother.
Livia: You won't forget your promise, will you?
Caligula: To make you a goddess? And what makes you think that a filthy, smelly old woman like you could become a goddess? I don't need you anymore, you see, great grandmother. My secret will die with you. You are going to stew in hell forever and ever. Let me tell you something: Thrasyllus has made another prophecy. Told Tiberius. He said, "One who is going to die soon will become the greatest god the world has ever known. No temples will be dedicated to anyone but him in the whole Roman world, not even to Augustus." Do you know who that one is? Me. *Me*. I shall become the greatest god of all. And I shall look down on you suffering all the torments of hell, and I shall say, "Leave her there. Leave her there forever and ever and ever."
[he kisses her]
Caligula: Goodbye, great grandmother.

[Claudius just drank three cups of wine at Livia's dinner]
Caligula: Staking it all on one throw, Uncle Claudius?
Livia: Hold your tongue. That was a very polite gesture of confidence in me and was much appreciated.

"I, Claudius: Old King Log (#1.13)" (1976)
[on his last day before the Senate, Claudius sees the ghosts of his family and predecessors]
Augustus: Well done, Claudius, emperor after all. Who would have thought it, eh?
Livia: You're a fool, boy, you always were. People might say it's not your fault. Well, if it's not your fault, whose is it then?
Antonia: Your nose is still dripping, Claudius, still dripping.
Tiberius: Wasn't worth it, was it? I could have told you that.
Caligula: Uncle Claudius, I wasn't the Messiah after all, would you believe that? Could have knocked me over with a feather then they told me that.