Dr. John Watson
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Quotes for
Dr. John Watson (Character)
from "Sherlock" (2010)

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"Sherlock: A Study in Pink (#1.1)" (2010)
Dr John Watson: You don't have a girlfriend then?
Sherlock Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
Dr John Watson: Alright... Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way.
Sherlock Holmes: I know it's fine.
Dr John Watson: So you got a boyfriend?
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Dr John Watson: Right. Okay. You're unattached. Like me. Fine. Good.
Sherlock Holmes: John, erm... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I'm flattered by your interest, I'm really not looking for any...
Dr John Watson: No. I'm... not asking. No. I'm just saying, it's all fine.
Sherlock Holmes: Good. Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes: You can't just break into my flat.
DI Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence. And I didn't "break" in to your flat.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, what do you call this then?
DI Lestrade: It's a drugs bust.
Dr John Watson: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?
Sherlock Holmes: John.
Dr John Watson: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything you could call recreational.
Sherlock Holmes: John, you probably want to shut up now.
Dr John Watson: Yeah, but come on. No.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr John Watson: You?
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up. I'm not your sniffer dog.
DI Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.
Sherlock Holmes: What, A... Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust?
Anderson: Oh, I volunteered.
DI Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking *on* the drug squad, but they're very keen.
Sgt Sally Donovan: [holding up a jar] Are these human eyes?
Sherlock Holmes: Put those back.
Sgt Sally Donovan: But they were in the microwave.
Sherlock Holmes: It's an experiment.

Dr John Watson: [after Sherlock explains how he worked out Watson's veteran status, his war wound and his sibling's drinking problem] That... was amazing.
Sherlock Holmes: You think so?
Dr John Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite extraordinary.
Sherlock Holmes: That's not what people normally say.
Dr John Watson: What do people normally say?
Sherlock Holmes: "Piss off".

Mycroft: Bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity, don't you think? What is your connection to Sherlock Holmes?
Dr John Watson: I don't... have one. I barely know him. I met him... yesterday.
Mycroft: Mmm, and since yesterday you've moved in with him, and now you're solving crimes together. Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?
Dr John Watson: Who are you?
Mycroft: An interested party.
Dr John Watson: Interested in Sherlock? Why? I'm guessing you're not friends.
Mycroft: You've met him. How many friends do you imagine he has? I'm the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.
Dr John Watson: And what's that?
Mycroft: An enemy.
Dr John Watson: An enemy?
Mycroft: In his mind, certainly. If you were to ask him, he'd probably say an archenemy. He does love to be dramatic.
Dr John Watson: Well, thank God you're above all that.

Dr John Watson: What are you doing?
Sherlock Holmes: Nicotine patch. Helps me think. Impossible to sustain a smoking habit in London these days. Bad news for brain work.
Dr John Watson: It's good news for breathing.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, breathing. Breathing's boring.
Dr John Watson: Is that three patches?
Sherlock Holmes: It's a three-patch problem.

Dr John Watson: [appearing at 221-B Baker Street] Well, this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.
Sherlock Holmes: No, Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, she's giving me a special deal. She owes me a favor. A few years back, her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.
Dr John Watson: So y-you stopped her husband being executed?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, no. I ensured it.

Mrs. Hudson: There's another bedroom upstairs, if you'd be needing two bedrooms.
Dr John Watson: Of course we'll be needing two.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, don't worry. There's all sorts 'round here. Mrs. Turner next door's got married ones.

Dr John Watson: People don't have archenemies.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm sorry?
Dr John Watson: In real life. There are no archenemies in real life. Doesn't happen.
Sherlock Holmes: Doesn't it? Sounds a bit dull.
Dr John Watson: So who did I meet?
Sherlock Holmes: What do REAL people have, then, in their... REAL lives?
Dr John Watson: Friends... and people they know, people they... like, people they don't like, girlfriends, boyfriends...
Sherlock Holmes: Well, as I was saying, dull.
Dr John Watson: You don't have a girlfriend, then?
Sherlock Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
Dr John Watson: Oh, right. D'you have a boyfriend? - which is fine, by the way.
Sherlock Holmes: I know it's fine.
Dr John Watson: So you got a boyfriend?
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Dr John Watson: Right. Okay. You're unattached, just like me. Right. Good.
Sherlock Holmes: John, erm... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work, and while I'm flattered by your interest...
Dr John Watson: No.
Sherlock Holmes: ...I'm really not looking for any...
Dr John Watson: No. I'm... not asking... No. I'm just saying, it's all fine.
Sherlock Holmes: Good. Thank you.

Dr John Watson: That's a skull.
Sherlock Holmes: Friend of mine. When I say friend...

Sherlock Holmes: Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried; so, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.
Dr John Watson: It's fantastic!
Sherlock Holmes: Do you know you do that out loud?
Dr John Watson: Sorry, I'll shut up.
Sherlock Holmes: No, it's... fine.

Dr John Watson: Have you talked to the police?
Sherlock Holmes: Four people are dead. There isn't time to talk to the police.
Dr John Watson: So why are you talking to ME?
Sherlock Holmes: [morosely] Mrs. Hudson took my skull.
Dr John Watson: So I'm basically filling in for your skull?
Sherlock Holmes: Relax, you're doing fine.

Sherlock Holmes: You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.
Dr John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Any good?
Dr John Watson: Very good.
Sherlock Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries, then?... Violent deaths?
Dr John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Bit of trouble, too, I bet.
Dr John Watson: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime... far too much.
Sherlock Holmes: Want to see some more?
Dr John Watson: Oh God, yes.

Dr John Watson: What am I doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: Helping me make a point.
Dr John Watson: I'm supposed to be helping you pay the rent.
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, well, this is more fun.
Dr John Watson: Fun? There's a woman lying dead.
Sherlock Holmes: Perfectly sound analysis but I was hoping you'd go deeper.

Dr John Watson: Who are you?
Mycroft: An interested party.
Dr John Watson: Interested in Sherlock? Why? I'm guessing you're not friends.
Mycroft: You've met him. How many friends do you imagine he has?

Dr John Watson: [Sherlock produces a pink suitcase] That's... the pink lady's case. That's Jennifer Wilson's case.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, obviously.
[Short pause]
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, perhaps I should mention - I didn't kill her.
Dr John Watson: I never said you did.
Sherlock Holmes: Why not? Given the text I just had you send and the fact that I have her case, it's a perfectly logical assumption.
Dr John Watson: Do people usually assume you're the murderer?
Sherlock Holmes: Now and then, yes.

Dr John Watson: Um, Sergeant Donovan's just been explaining everything. The... two pills. A dreadful business, isn't it? Dreadful.
Sherlock Holmes: [quietly] Good shot.
Dr John Watson: Yes, yes must've been... through that window.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, you'd know. Need to get the powder burns out of your fingers. I don't suppose you'd serve time for this, but let's avoid the court case. Are you all right?
Dr John Watson: Yes, course I'm all right.
Sherlock Holmes: Well you have just killed a man.
Dr John Watson: Yes I...
[pauses]
Dr John Watson: That's true, isn't it? But he wasn't a very nice man.
Sherlock Holmes: No. No, he wasn't, really, was he?
Dr John Watson: No, and, frankly, a bloody awful cabbie.
Sherlock Holmes: [chuckles with John] That's true. He WAS a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took us to get here.
Dr John Watson: [laughing] Stop. Stop, we can't giggle. It's a crime scene. Stop it.
Sherlock Holmes: You're the one who shot him. Don't blame me.
Dr John Watson: Keep your voice down! Sorry, it's just, um, nerves, I think.
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry.
Dr John Watson: You were going to take that damn pill, weren't you?
Sherlock Holmes: Course I wasn't. Biding my time. Knew you'd turn up.
Dr John Watson: No, you didn't. That's how you get your kicks, isn't it? You risk your life to prove you're clever.
Sherlock Holmes: Why would I do that?
Dr John Watson: 'Cause you're an idiot.
Sherlock Holmes: Dinner?
Dr John Watson: Starving.

Sherlock Holmes: Did I get anything wrong?
Dr John Watson: Harry and me don't get on. Never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce, and Harry is a drinker.
Sherlock Holmes: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.
Dr John Watson: Harry's short for Harriet.
Sherlock Holmes: [stops walking] Harry's your sister.
Dr John Watson: Look, what exactly am I supposed to be doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: Sister!
Dr John Watson: No, seriously, what am I doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: There's always something...

Mike Stamford: I heard you were abroad somewhere getting shot at. What happened?
Dr John Watson: I got shot.

Sherlock Holmes: You did get shot though. In Afghanistan? There was an actual wound.
Dr John Watson: Sorry?
Sherlock Holmes: In Afghanistan? There was an actual wound.
Dr John Watson: Oh, yeah. Shoulder.
Sherlock Holmes: Shoulder. I thought so.
Dr John Watson: No you didn't.
Sherlock Holmes: The left one?
Dr John Watson: Lucky guess.
Sherlock Holmes: I never guess.

Dr John Watson: Well? You asked me to come. I'm assuming it's important.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yeah, of course. Can I borrow your phone?
Dr John Watson: My phone?
Sherlock Holmes: Don't wanna use mine. Always a chance the number will be recognised. It's on the website.
Dr John Watson: Mrs Hudson's got a phone...
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, she's downstairs. I tried shouting but she didn't hear.
Dr John Watson: I was the other side of London.
Sherlock Holmes: There was no hurry.
Dr John Watson: Here. So, what's this about, the case?
Sherlock Holmes: Her case.
Dr John Watson: Her case?
Sherlock Holmes: Her suitcase, yes, obviously. The murderer took her suitcase - first big mistake.
Dr John Watson: Okay, he took her case. So?
Sherlock Holmes: It's no use. There's no other way. Well, have to risk it. On my desk there's a number. I want you to send a text.
Dr John Watson: You brought me here... to send a text?
Sherlock Holmes: Text, yes, the number on my desk .

Sherlock Holmes: Okay, you've got questions.
Dr John Watson: Yeah. Where are we going?
Sherlock Holmes: Crime scene. Next?
Dr John Watson: Who are you? What do you do?
Sherlock Holmes: What do you think?
Dr John Watson: I'd say private detective...
Sherlock Holmes: But...
Dr John Watson: But the police don't go to private detectives.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job.
Dr John Watson: What does that mean?
Sherlock Holmes: It means whenever the police are out of their depth - which is always - they consult me.
Dr John Watson: [scoffs] The police don't consult amateurs.
[Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile]
Sherlock Holmes: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised.
Dr John Watson: Yes. How did you know?
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know, I saw. Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. The conversation as you entered the room - said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists - you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That suggests the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic - wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan - Afghanistan or Iraq.
Dr John Watson: You said I had a therapist.
Sherlock Holmes: You've got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Your phone - it's expensive, email enabled, MP3 player. But you're looking for a flat-share, you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Scratches - not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. The next bit's easy, you know it already.
[indicates back of the phone, which has been engraved with the inscription "Harry Watson - from Clara XXX"]
Dr John Watson: The engraving?
Sherlock Holmes: Harry Watson - clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father - this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a war hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara - who's Clara? Three kisses says romantic attachment. Expensive phone says wife, not girlfriend. Must've given it to him recently - this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble, then - six months on, and already he's giving it away? If she'd left him, he would've kept it. People do, sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it - he left her. He gave the phone to you, that says he wants you to stay in touch.
[beat]
Sherlock Holmes: You're looking for cheap accommodation and you're not going to your brother for help? That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife, maybe you don't like his drinking.
Dr John Watson: How can you possibly know about the drinking?
[cuts to a close-up of the phone's charger port, showing obvious scratches around it]
Sherlock Holmes: Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection - tiny little scuff marks around the edge. Every night he goes to plug it in and charge but his hands are shaky. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone, never see a drunk's without them. There you go, you see? You were right.
Dr John Watson: I was right? Right about what?
Sherlock Holmes: The police don't consult amateurs.
[long pause]
Dr John Watson: [slowly, grudgingly] That was amazing.
Sherlock Holmes: You think so?

Dr John Watson: We can't giggle, it's a crime scene. Stop it.
Sherlock Holmes: You're the one who shot him.

Mycroft: You don't seem very afraid.
Dr John Watson: You don't seem very frightening.

Mycroft: He does love to be dramatic.
Dr John Watson: Well, thank god you're above all that.

[first lines]
Ella: How's your blog going?
Dr John Watson: Yeah, good. Very good.
Ella: You haven't written a word, have you?
Dr John Watson: You just wrote, "still has trust issues".
Ella: And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you're a soldier. It's going to take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you.
Dr John Watson: Nothing happens to me.

Dr John Watson: It's how you get your kicks, isn't it? Risking your life to prove you're clever.
Sherlock Holmes: Why would I do that?
Dr John Watson: Because you're an idiot.
Sherlock Holmes: Dinner?
Dr John Watson: Starving.

Dr John Watson: What are you so happy about?
Sherlock Holmes: Moriarty.
Dr John Watson: What's Moriarty?
Sherlock Holmes: I've absolutely no idea.

[staking out the scene of the killer's last murder]
Dr John Watson: You think he's stupid enough to go there?
Sherlock Holmes: No, I think he's brilliant enough. I love the brilliant ones. They're always so desperate to get caught.

Sgt Sally Donovan: You know why he's here? He's not paid or anything. He likes it. He gets off on it. The weirder the crime, the more he gets off. And you know what? One day just showing up won't be enough. One day we'll be standing around a body and Sherlock Holmes will be the one that put it there.
Dr John Watson: Why would he do that?
Sgt Sally Donovan: Because he's a psychopath, and psychopaths get bored.

Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, but if you were dying, if you'd been murdered, in your very last few seconds, what would you say?
Dr John Watson: "Please, God, let me live."
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, use your imagination!
Dr John Watson: [having recently returned from battle] I don't have to.

Dr John Watson: Well, you want me to come with you?
Sherlock Holmes: I like company when I go out and, uh... I think better when I talk aloud. Skull just attracts attention, so... Problem?
Dr John Watson: Yeah. Sergeant Donovan.
Sherlock Holmes: What about her?
Dr John Watson: She said... you get off on this. You enjoy it.
Sherlock Holmes: And I said 'dangerous', and here you are.
[smiles broadly and leaves]
Dr John Watson: Damn it!
[gets to his feet and hobbles after Sherlock]

Sherlock Holmes: You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.
Dr. John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Any good?
Dr. John Watson: Very good.
Sherlock Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths.
Dr. John Watson: Well... Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: A bit of trouble too, I'll bet.
Dr. John Watson: Of course. Yes. Enough... for a lifetime, far too much.
Sherlock Holmes: Want to see some more?
Dr. John Watson: Oh, God, yes!

Sherlock Holmes: [about the victim] She's been married for at least ten years, but not happily. She's had a string of lovers, but none of them knew she was married.
DI Lestrade: Oh, for God's sake, if you're just making this up...!
Sherlock Holmes: Her wedding ring, ten years old at least. The rest of her jewelry's been regularly cleaned but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage, right there. The inside of the ring is shinier than the outside; that means it's regularly removed. The only polishing she gets is when she works it off her finger. It's not for work, look at her nails. She doesn't work with her hands; so, what, or rather who, DOES she remove her rings for? Clearly not one lover - she'd never sustain the fiction of being single over that amount of time - so more likely a string of them. Simple.
Dr John Watson: That's brilliant!
[everyone looks at him]
Dr John Watson: Sorry.

Sherlock Holmes: Sorry. Gotta dash. I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.
Dr John Watson: Is that it?
Sherlock Holmes: Is that what?
Dr John Watson: We've only just met, and we're going to go and look at a flat?
Sherlock Holmes: Problem?
Dr John Watson: We don't know a thing about each other. I don't know where we're meeting. I don't even know your name.
Sherlock Holmes: I know you're an Army doctor, and you've been invalided home from Afghanistan. I know you've got a brother who's worried about you, but you won't go to him for help because you don't approve of him, possibly because he's an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife, and I know your therapist thinks your limp's psychosomatic - quite correctly, I'm afraid. That's enough to be going on with, don't you think? The name's Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221-B Baker Street. Afternoon.

Dr John Watson: Pink. Y-you got all that because you realised the case would be pink?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.
Dr John Watson: Why didn't I think of that?
Sherlock Holmes: Because you're an idiot.
[John looks up, insulted]
Sherlock Holmes: No, no, no, don't be like that. Practically everyone is.

Dr John Watson: Just met a friend of yours.
Sherlock Holmes: A friend?
Dr John Watson: An enemy.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh! Which one?
Dr John Watson: Well, your archenemy, according to him. Do people have archenemies?
Sherlock Holmes: [lowers voice] Did he offer you money to spy on me?
Dr John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: [voice still low] Did you take it?
Dr John Watson: No.
Sherlock Holmes: [normal voice] Pity, we could have split the fee. Think it through next time.

Dr John Watson: Are you still at Barts, then?
Mike Stamford: Teaching now, yeah. Bright young things, like we used to be. God, I hate them.

Mycroft Holmes: You don't seem very frightened.
Dr. John Watson: You don't seem very frightening.

Dr John Watson: So, why do you put up with him?
DI Lestrade: Because I'm desperate, that's why. And because Sherlock Holmes is a great man. And I think one day, if we're very very lucky, he might even be a good one.

Sherlock Holmes: You're a doctor. In fact, you're an army doctor.
Dr John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Any good?
Dr John Watson: Very good.
Sherlock Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries then? Violent deaths?
Dr John Watson: Well... yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Bit of trouble, too, I bet.
Dr John Watson: Of course. Yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.
Sherlock Holmes: Want to see some more?
Dr John Watson: Oh, God, yes!

Sherlock Holmes: Good shot.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, it was. It must have been. Through that window.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, you'd know. Did you get the powder burns out of your fingers? I don't supposed you'd serve time for this, but let's avoid the court case. Are you all right?
Dr. John Watson: Yes, 'course I'm all right.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, you have just killed a man.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, I know. That's true, isn't it? But... he wasn't a very nice man.
Sherlock Holmes: No. He wasn't, really, was he?
Dr. John Watson: And a bloody awful cabbie.
Sherlock Holmes: That's true, he was a bad cabbie. You should have seen the route he took to get us here.
Dr. John Watson: Stop it, you can't giggle, it's a crime scene.
Sherlock Holmes: You're the one who shot him.
Dr. John Watson: Keep your voice down! Sorry, it's just nerves. You were, uh, you were going to take that damn pill, weren't you?
Sherlock Holmes: Course I wasn't. I was biding my time. Knew you'd turn up.
Dr. John Watson: No you didn't. That's how you get your kicks, isn't it? Risking your life to prove you're clever.
Sherlock Holmes: Why would I do that?
Dr. John Watson: Cause you're an idiot.

[Watson confesses he can't stay in London on an Army pension]
Mike Stamford: I dunno. Get a flatshare or something.
Dr John Watson: Come on. Who'd want me for a flatmate?
[Stamford chuckles]
Dr John Watson: What?
Mike Stamford: You're the second person to say that to me today.
Dr John Watson: Who's the first?
[cut to an image of Sherlock Holmes opening a bodybag]

Mycroft Holmes: I'm the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.
Dr. John Watson: And what's that?
Mycroft Holmes: An enemy. If you were to ask him, he would say an archenemy. He does love to be dramatic.
Dr. John Watson: Well, thank God you're above all that.

Dr John Watson: He's your brother?
Sherlock Holmes: Of course, he's my brother.
Dr John Watson: So he's not...
Sherlock Holmes: Not what?
Dr John Watson: I don't know - a criminal mastermind?
Sherlock Holmes: Close enough.
Mycroft Holmes: For goodness sake, I occupy a minor position in the British government.
Sherlock Holmes: He *is* the British government when he's not too busy being the British Secret Service or the CIA on a free-lance basis. Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home. You know what it does for the traffic.

Mrs. Hudson: I'll make you that cuppa. You rest your leg.
Dr John Watson: DAMN my leg! Sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just sometimes this bloody leg...
Mrs. Hudson: I understand, dear. I've got a hip.

Sherlock Holmes: Okay, you've got questions.
Dr John Watson: Yeah. Where are we going?
Sherlock Holmes: Crime scene. Next?

Dr John Watson: [about to exit the government car] Do you ever get any spare time?
Anthea: Oh, yes, loads.
[Anthea keeps tapping on her phone and there is a few seconds pause]
Anthea: [annoyed] Good-bye.
[John exits the car, embarassed]


Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)
Sherlock Holmes: You're sitting in a room with an all-southern view. Suddenly, a bear walks by the window. What colour is the bear?
John Watson: Red! The bear is red!
Sherlock Holmes: Why on Earth would the bear be red?
John Watson: The southern sun is very hot. The bear would be terribly burnt!
Sherlock Holmes: [laughs] That is the most absurd answer I've ever heard.

John Watson: [to Holmes] Well, I knew it. This is the end of my medical career. My father's going to be furious. I always knew that making friends with you would end up in disaster.

John Watson: I can't afford to jeopardise my medical career!
Sherlock Holmes: Weasel.
John Watson: I'm not a weasel. I am... practical.
Sherlock Holmes: Weasels *are* practical. And I imagined you courageous and stout of heart.
John Watson: I am courageous. And I'm stout of heart. It's just that... oh, all right. I'll do it.

Elizabeth Hardy: [giving Holmes Waxflatter's hat] Uncle would have wanted you to have this.
John Watson: Put it on!
[Holmes puts it on and Watson and Elizabeth start laughing]
John Watson: On second thoughts, take it off! It looks very silly!

Elizabeth Hardy: No. Uncle didn't kill himself.
John Watson: Well, then, what happened to him?
Sherlock Holmes: [entering suddenly through the window] He was murdered.

John Watson: [after a hallucination involving food] Yes, Mister French Pastry. I have nothing whatsoever to say to you. I trust you have nothing to say to me.

Cragwitch: Yes, I mustn't forget. I must pass on this information. It's time someone else knew EVERYTHING!
Sherlock Holmes: The Egyptian village, has it been burned to the ground?
Cragwitch: Yes...
[sees candle flames, slams his hand angrily against his desk]
Cragwitch: Yes! YES! Luckily we got out of Egypt with our lives. When we returned to England, we went our separate ways, all of us, however, keeping in constant touch with Waxflatter through regular correspondence. When the murders began, I met quite frequently with my dear friend.
Sherlock Holmes: What does all this have to do with the Ramatep?
Cragwitch: [Hands Holmes a letter] Almost a year after the incident, each one of us received this letter. It was sent by a young boy, a young boy of Anglo-Egyptian descent. You'll notice that the letterhead is adorned by the symbol of the Ramatep, two golden serpents. The boy who wrote the letter and his sister were staying in England with their grandfather when they learned of the destruction of the Egyptian village, the village which was their home. Both their parents were killed in the attack. The boy vowed when he grew to manhood that the Ramatep would take their revenge and replace the bodies of the five Egyptian princesses.
Sherlock Holmes: And the boy was called Ehtar.
John Watson: Ehtar... those were Waxflatter's final words!
Sherlock Holmes: Very good, Watson.

Cragwitch: [hallucinating, attacks Holmes and tries to strangle him] EH TAR! You filthy murderer! You wanted to kill us all! Well you won't kill me!
Sherlock Holmes: Watson! Speak to him!
John Watson: What? Oh! Your... your name is Craddy Critchwit! I mean, your name is Ch-...! Your name is...! What's his name?
Sherlock Holmes: [Choking] Cragwitch!

John Watson: Amazing, Holmes. Simply amazing. Of course, you did forget one very important clue.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh? Please enlighten me.
John Watson: Well, "Rathe" is "Ehtar" spelled backwards.
Sherlock Holmes: Very clever, Watson. Well, I'm certain I would have arrived at that conclusion sooner or later.
John Watson: [smiling] Sooner or later.

John Watson: Holmes, wait! I know why the bear is white!
Sherlock Holmes: And why is that, Watson?
John Watson: Well, the only room with an all-southern view would be at the North Pole. It's a polar bear!
Sherlock Holmes: Bravo, Watson. You have the makings of a great detective.

[about the violin]
Sherlock Holmes: I should've mastered the damn thing by now.
John Watson: How long have you been playing?
Sherlock Holmes: Three days.

Sherlock Holmes: Why can't I think of anything?
John Watson: You're flustered. You must calm down.
Sherlock Holmes: Why can't you think of anything?
John Watson: I'm flustered.

John Watson: That was a girl.
Sherlock Holmes: Brilliant deduction, Watson.

John Watson: Dudley is going to pay dearly for this. Punch to the jaw, jab to the ribs...
Sherlock Holmes: Now, now, Watson. Revenge is sweetest when it's served up cold. Come on.
[Dudley enters with snow-white hair]
Dudley: Holmes. You did this. You're responsible, aren't you?
Sherlock Holmes: So that's where I dropped my chemistry experiment: into your tea. Oh, don't worry, old chap. It'll wear off shortly. You should be back to normal - by summertime.

[while flying]
Sherlock Holmes: I've just realised something.
John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: I have absolutely no idea how to land this machine.

John Watson: Holmes, wait. What if the murderer is inside?
Sherlock Holmes: Then I shall introduce myself to him.

John Watson: What have I gotten myself into?
Sherlock Holmes: The adventure of a lifetime, Watson.

[Holmes is about to smash his violin]
John Watson: Stop! Isn't it valuable?
Sherlock Holmes: What's more important, its value or my sanity?

[Holmes and Elizabeth investigate a noise in the library, and find Watson on the floor, next to a ladder]
Sherlock Holmes: Elizabeth, let me introduce you to my new friend, the honourable, but clumsy, Watson.
John Watson: [standing up] The ladder's a bit wobbly.
Elizabeth Hardy: Hello.

[Holmes, Watson and Elizabeth are walking across the courtyard, when a voice causes them to look up]
Waxflatter: Holmes! Elizabeth! I think I have solved all of the problems!
John Watson: [looking up] Who's that?
Elizabeth Hardy: My Uncle.
Sherlock Holmes: Rupert T. Waxflatter. Retired schoolmaster, degrees in Chemistry and Biology, well versed in Philosophy, Mathematics and Physics. Author of 27 books.
[Holmes walks on]
Elizabeth Hardy: And most people think he's a lunatic.
[Elizabeth walks on]
John Watson: Why?
[Waxflatter launches his flying machine]
John Watson: Oh, my God!

[Holmes, Watson and Elizabeth help Waxflatter carry the wrecked flying machine up the stairs to the attic]
Waxflatter: Let me see, that makes six! Six failed attemps. Nevertheless, we shall not be defeated. We shall conquer. I have made up my mind. The conquest of the skies is well within my grasp!
John Waston: [to Elizabeth] He's done this six times!

[Over dinner, the student are discussing what they will do in later life]
John Watson: I want to be a doctor.
Dudley: Nobody asked you!
John Watson: Sorry!

[in order to obtain information about the blowpipe, Watson is forced to make a purchase from a curiosity shop]
Sherlock Holmes: Why on earth did you buy a pipe?
John Watson: It looks distinguished!
Sherlock Holmes: It's perfectly ridiculous!

[Holmes and Watson visit an Egyptian style Tavern]
Egyptian Tavern Owner: What can I get for you boys? Drink, food, women?
John Watson: Do you have any soup?
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, please!
[removing the blowpipe from his pocket]
Sherlock Holmes: Do you know anything about this?
Egyptian Tavern Owner: [looking at the blowpipe] Ramatep! Ramatep! Ramatep! Ramatep! Ramatep!
[the tavern falls silent]
John Watson: [turning to face Holmes] Is that the end of the song?

[after Elizabeth finds a scrap of cloth, she accompanies Holmes and Watson to a deserted building in Wapping]
John Watson: I knew it, there's no-one here. Back to school, eh?
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, you'll be on your own!

[the trio have found a wooden pyramid]
John Watson: Holmes, there's a door here!
[Turning to Elizabeth]
John Watson: Fancy him missing a door!

[Mrs Dribb has locked Holmes and Watson in an upstairs room]
John Watson: I always suspected that becoming a friend of yours would end in disaster!

[Holmes and Watson visit an Egyptian style Tavern]
The Reverend Duncan Nesbitt: What can I get for you boys? Drink, food, women?
John Watson: Do you have any soup?
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, please!
[removing the blowpipe from his pocket]
Sherlock Holmes: Do you know anything about this?
The Reverend Duncan Nesbitt: [looking at the blowpipe] Rame Tep! Rame Tep! Rame Tep! Rame Tep! Rame Tep!
[the tavern falls silent]
John Watson: [turning to face Holmes] Is that the end of the song?

[the trio have found a wooden pyramid]
John Watson: Holmes, there's a door here!
[turning to Elizabeth]
John Watson: Fancy him missing a door!

[Mrs. Dribb has locked Holmes and Watson in an upstairs room]
John Watson: I always suspected that becoming a friend of yours would end in disaster!

Older Watson: It was the beginning of my second week at Brompton. With each passing day, my fascination with Sherlock Holmes and his world continued to grow. On this occasion, the entire school was bursting with excitement. Dudley had challenged Holmes to a test of ingenuity, skill, and perception. Dudley had snatched the school's fencing trophy and hidden it in a secret place. He gave Holmes sixty minutes to find the trophy. Holmes accepted the challenge with confidence.
Sherlock Holmes: The game is afoot!

Older Watson: It was a cold, snowy day in early December. Lack of funds had forced my old school to close. I was being sent to a new one in the middle of term. I was accustomed to the opened, relaxed expanse of the country, and now, I was in the heart of London at the height of the Victorian Era. The streets were teeming with every activity imaginable. I was very taken by what I saw. As I stepped from my carriage, the sight of my new school filled me with fear and apprehension, yet, I was swept with a wave of curiosity. However, nothing could prepare me for the extraordinary adventure that lay ahead, or the extraordinary individual who would change my life.

Older Watson: It was a wonderful, heroic moment for Holmes. But little did he know that his amazing powers and talents would soon be put to a much greater test, a test of terrifying and deadly proportions.

Older Watson: A few days later, they buried Professor Waxflatter. I had never been to a funeral before, though unfortunately, I've been to many since. Holmes could not publicly attend the funeral. His expulsion from Brompton prevented such a thing. The death of his mentor and friend had taken its toll on Sherlock Holmes. In my entire life, I have only seen Holmes cry on two occasions. To-day was the first.

Older Watson: Holmes went on to explain that the Ramatep were a fanatical group of religious followers of Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead. They were scorned by society because of their distortion of traditional religious beliefs and their violent and sadistic rituals. The Ramatep use a blow pipe and shoot a thorn into their chosen victim. The thorn is dipped into a solution made up of various plant and root extracts. When this solution enters the bloodstream, it causes the victim to experience very realistic, nightmare-like hallucinations.

Older Watson: We immediately sprang into action, searching every nook and cranny for the cloth. I accidentally turned on one of Waxflatter's strange machines, and not being at all mechanically-minded, I had the dickens of a time trying to turn the thing off.
Elizabeth Hardy: I found it! I found it!
Older Watson: Holmes spent the entire night and the following day studying, examining, scrutinising the section of cloth. He conducted experiment after experiment. Not once did he stop for a rest. His energy seemed boundless. Following eighteen straight hours of work, Holmes turned to Elizabeth and myself, and those four familiar words shot from his lips.
Sherlock Holmes: The game is afoot!

Older Watson: Holmes explained that the fabric was Egyptian in origin and contained so many warp threads and weft threads, things that to this day I still don't understand. He found that the cloth was stained with paraffin, paraffin manufactured exclusively at Froggit and Froggit, located in the Wapping area of London, a dark and dangerous place, and I turned to Holmes and I told him so in no uncertain terms.

Older Watson: Holmes went on to explain that Rathe spent years plotting his revenge. He established himself as a respected member of British society, completely erasing his former identity. It took him a great deal of time to organise his followers, made up of the poor, the homeless, the lost souls of the London streets. And then, of course, it took time to build a wooden replica of the pyramid. Missus Dribb was the Ramatep's chief assassin, but more importantly, she was Rathe's younger sister.

Older Watson: [epilogue] As I watched Holmes settle into his seat, a sudden feeling came over me - that I would most certainly be seeing him again. So ended my first adventure with Mister Sherlock Holmes. As I watched his carriage disappear into the distance, I realised that I had forgotten to thank him. He had taken a weak, frightened boy and made him into a courageous, strong man. My heart soared. I was filled with confidence. I was ready for whatever mystery or danger lay ahead. I was ready to take on the greatest and most exciting adventure of them all, and I knew it was bound to involve Sherlock Holmes.


"Sherlock: The Hounds of Baskerville (#2.2)" (2012)
Sherlock Holmes: [covered head to toe in blood, holding a harpoon] Well, that was tedious.
Dr. John Watson: You went on the tube like that?
Sherlock Holmes: None of the cabs would take me.

Sherlock Holmes: I'll take the case.
Dr. John Watson: Sorry, what?
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. It's very promising.
Dr. John Watson: No no no. Sorry, what? A minute ago footprints were boring, and now they're very promising?
Sherlock Holmes: It has nothing to do with footprints. As ever, John, you weren't listening.

Dr. John Watson: What're you talking about, "you're busy?" You don't have a case. A minute ago you were complaining...
Sherlock Holmes: Bluebell, John! I've got Bluebell, the case of the vanishing glow-in-the-dark rabbit. NATO's in uproar.

[as Holmes and Watson leave their apartment, they see Mrs. Hudson in the sandwich shop, shouting angrily at the owner]
Dr. John Watson: Looks like Mrs. Hudson finally got to the wife in Doncaster.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm. Wait till she finds out about the one in Islamabad.

Sherlock Holmes: Nice touch.
Dr. John Watson: Haven't pulled rank in ages.
Sherlock Holmes: Enjoy it?
Dr. John Watson: Oh, yeah.

Dr. John Watson: Did we just break into a military base to investigate a rabbit?

Sherlock Holmes: So we know that Dr. Stapleton performs secret genetic experiments on animals. The question is, has she been working on something deadlier than a rabbit?
Dr. John Watson: To be fair, that is quite a wide field.

Sherlock Holmes: [via text] Henry's therapist currently in Cross Keys Pub. S
Dr. John Watson: [via text] SO?
Sherlock Holmes: [via text] Interview her?
Dr. John Watson: [via text] Why should I?
[texts John a picture of the very attractive therapist]
Dr. John Watson: Ooo, you're a bad man.

Sherlock Holmes: How 'bout Louise Mortimer? Did you get anywhere with her?
Dr. John Watson: No.
Sherlock Holmes: Too bad. Did you get any information?
Dr. John Watson: Hm? You're being funny now?
Sherlock Holmes: Thought it might break the ice... a bit.
Dr. John Watson: Funny doesn't suit you. I'd stick to ice.

Sherlock Holmes: Listen, what I said before, John, I meant it. I don't have friends. I've just got one.
Dr. John Watson: Right.

Sherlock Holmes: John? John! You are AMAZING, you are FANTASTIC!
Dr. John Watson: Yes, all right. You don't have to overdo it.
Sherlock Holmes: You've never been the most luminous of people, but as a conductor of light, you are UNBEATABLE!
Dr. John Watson: Cheers. What?
Sherlock Holmes: Some people who aren't geniuses have an amazing ability to stimulate it in others.
Dr. John Watson: Hang on, you were saying sorry a minute ago. Don't spoil it. Go on. What have I done that's so bloody stimulating?

Dr. John Watson: [Mrs Hudson leaves the apartment] What the bloody hell was all that about?
Sherlock Holmes: You don't understand.
Dr. John Watson: Go after her and apologise.
Sherlock Holmes: Apologise?
Dr. John Watson: Hm.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, John, I envy you so much.
Dr. John Watson: You envy me?
Sherlock Holmes: Your mind, it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control, a rocket, tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launch pad. I NEED A CASE!
Dr. John Watson: You've just solved one, by harpooning a dead pig, apparantly.
Sherlock Holmes: Ghaaah, that was this morning. When's the next one?

Sherlock Holmes: [turns the TV off] What did you see?
Henry Knight: [points to the TV] Oh, I... I was just about to say.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, in a TV interview. I prefer to do my own editing.
Henry Knight: Yes. Sorry, yes, of course. Excuse me.
[blows his nose]
Dr. John Watson: In your own time.
Sherlock Holmes: But quite quickly.

Sherlock Holmes: We're looking for a dog, yes? A great big dog, that's your brilliant theory. Cherchez le chien. Good, excellent, yes. Where shall we start? How about them - the sentimental widow and her son, the unemployed fisherman? The answer's yes.
Dr. John Watson: Yes?
Sherlock Holmes: She's got a West Highland terrier called Whisky. Not exactly what we're looking for.
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock, for God's sake...
Sherlock Holmes: Look at the jumper he's wearing. Hardly worn. Clearly he's uncomfortable in it. Maybe it's because of the material; more likely the hideous pattern, suggesting it's a present, probably Christmas. So he wants into his mother's good books. Why? Almost certainly money. He's treating her to a meal but his own portion is small. That means he wants to impress her, but he's trying to economise on his own food.
Dr. John Watson: Well, maybe he's just not hungry.
Sherlock Holmes: No, small plate. Starter. He's practically licked it clean. She's nearly finished her pavlova. If she'd treated him, he'd have as much as he wanted. He's hungry all right, and not well off - you can tell that by the state of his cuffs and shoes.
[Imitating John:]
Sherlock Holmes: "How d'you know she's his mother?" Who else would give him a Christmas present like that? Well, it could be an aunt or an older sister, but mother's more likely. Now, he was a fisherman. Scarring pattern on his hands, very distinctive - fish hooks. They're all quite old now, which suggests he's been unemployed for some time. Not much industry in this part of the world, so he's turned to his widowed mother for help.
[Again, imitating John:]
Sherlock Holmes: "Widowed?" Yes, obviously. She's got a man's wedding ring on a chain round her neck - clearly her late husband's and too big for her finger. She's well-dressed but her jewellery's cheap. She could afford better, but she's kept it - sentimental. Now, the dog: tiny little hairs all over the leg from where it gets a little bit too friendly, but no hairs above the knees, suggesting it's a small dog, probably a terrier. In fact, it is a West Highland terrier called Whisky.
[Once again, imitating John:]
Sherlock Holmes: "How the hell do you know that, Sherlock?" 'Cause she was on the same train as us and I heard her calling its name and that's not cheating, that's listening, I use my senses, John, unlike some people, so you see, I am fine, in fact I've never been better, so just LEAVE ME ALONE!

Dr. John Watson: Okay, what about his father? He wasn't one of your patients. Wasn't he some sort of conspiracy nutter - theorist?
Dr. Mortimer: You're only a nutter if you're wrong.
Dr. John Watson: Mm. And was he wrong?
Dr. Mortimer: I should think so.

Dr. John Watson: We'll get caught.
Sherlock Holmes: No, we won't. Well, not just yet.
Dr. John Watson: Caught in five minutes. "Oh, hi, we just thought we'd come in and wander around your top secret weapons base." "Really? Great! Come in. Kettle's just boiled." That's if we don't get shot.

Dr. John Watson: Nothing on the website?
Sherlock Holmes: [hands John his laptop] "Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?"
Dr. John Watson: Bluebell?
Sherlock Holmes: A rabbit, John!
Dr. John Watson: Oh.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, but there's more! Before Bluebell disappeared, it turned luminous, "like a fairy," according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone, hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. What am I saying? This is brilliant! Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit.
Sherlock Holmes: You serious?

Sherlock Holmes: It's this or Cluedo.
Dr. John Watson: Ah, no, we are never playing that again.
Sherlock Holmes: Why not?
Dr. John Watson: Because it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, it's the only possible solution.
Dr. John Watson: It's not in the rules!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, then, the rules are wrong!

[Sherlock tears through the apartment, looking for cigarettes]
Sherlock Holmes: Tell me where they are. Please tell me. Please.
Dr. John Watson: Can't help, sorry.
Sherlock Holmes: I'll let you know next week's lottery numbers.
[John snickers]
Sherlock Holmes: It was worth a try.

Dr. John Watson: [about Sherlock's "mind palace"] It's a memory technique, a sort of mental map. You plot a... a map with a location - it doesn't have to be a real place - and then you deposit memories there that... theoretically, you can never forget anything. All you have to do is find your way back to it.
Dr. Stapleton: So this imaginary location could be anything - a house, a street...?
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
Dr. Stapleton: It's a palace. He said it was a palace.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, well, he would, wouldn't he?

[about exposure to the chemical weapon at Baskerville]
Dr. John Watson: Any long-term effects?
Sherlock Holmes: None at all. You'll be fine once you've excreted it. We all will.
Dr. John Watson: Hmm... think I might have taken care of that already.

Sherlock Holmes: What happened last night, something happened to me, something I've not really experienced before.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, you said, "fear." "Sherlock Holmes got scared" you said.
Sherlock Holmes: No, no, no, it was more than that, John. It was doubt. I felt doubt. Always been able to trust my senses, the evidence of my own eyes, until last night.

[Doorbell rings]
Dr. John Watson: Single ring.
Sherlock Holmes: Maximum pressure just under the half-second.
Sherlock Holmes, Dr. John Watson: [simultaneously] Client.

Henry Knight: [bitterly] I'm not sure you can help me, Mr. Holmes, since you find it all so FUNNY.
Sherlock Holmes: Because of what happened last night.
Dr. John Watson: Why, what happened last night?
Henry Knight: How... how do you know?
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know. I noticed. Came up from Devon on the first available train this morning. You had a disappointing breakfast and a cup of black coffee. The girl in the seat across the aisle fancied you. Although you were initially keen, you've now changed your mind. You are, however, extremely anxious to have your first cigarette of the day. Sit down Mr. Knight and do please smoke. I'd be delighted.
Henry Knight: How on earth did you notice all that?
Dr. John Watson: It's not important.
Sherlock Holmes: Punched out holes where your ticket's been checked.
Dr. John Watson: Not now, Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, please, I've been cooped up in here for ages.
Dr. John Watson: You're just showing off.
Sherlock Holmes: Of course. I AM a show-off. That's what we do. Train napkin used to mop up the spilled coffee - strength of the stain shows that you didn't take milk - but traces of ketchup on it and around your lips and on your sleeve - cooked breakfast, or the nearest thing those trains can manage. Probably a sandwich.
Henry Knight: [chuckles nervously] How did you know it was disappointing?
Sherlock Holmes: Is there any other type of breakfast on a train? The girl - female handwriting's quite distinctive - wrote her phone number down on the napkin. I can tell from the angle she wrote at that she was sat across from you on the other side of the aisle. Later - after she got off, I imagine - you used the napkin to mop up your spilled coffee, accidentally smudging the numbers. You've been over the last four digits yourself in another pen - so you wanted to keep the number. Just now though, you used the napkin to blow your nose - maybe you're not that into her after all. Then there's the nicotine stains on your fingers, your shaking fingers. I know the signs. No chance to smoke one on the train nor time to roll one before you got a cab here. It's just after 9:15; you're desperate. The first train from Exeter to London leaves at 5:46 AM. You got the first one possible - so something important must have happened last night. Am I wrong?
Henry Knight: No. You're right. You're completely, exactly right. Bloody hell, I heard you were quick.
Sherlock Holmes: It's my job. Now shut up and smoke.

Dr. John Watson: I couldn't help noticing on the map of the moor... the skull and crossbones?
Gary: Oh, that. Right.
Dr. John Watson: But... pirates?
Gary: Eh, no, no. The Great Grimpen Minefield they call it.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, right.
Gary: It's not what you think. It's the Baskerville Testing site. It's been going for eighty-odd years; I'm not sure anyone knows really what's there anymore.
Dr. John Watson: Mmm. Explosives?
Gary: Oh, not just explosives. Hm. Break out of that place, and if you're lucky, you just get blowed up, so they say. In case you're planning a nice, wee stroll.
Dr. John Watson: Ta. I'll remember.
Gary: Aye. Now it buggers up tourism a bit; so, eh, thank God for the demon hound, heh-heh. Did you see that show, the documentary?
Dr. John Watson: Uh, quite recently, yeah.
Gary: God bless Henry Knight and his monster from Hell.
Dr. John Watson: Ever seen it? The hound?
Gary: Me? No, no. Uh, Fletcher has. He runs the walks, the monster walks, for the tourists, you know? He's seen it.
Dr. John Watson: That's handy, for trade.
Gary: I'm just saying we've been rushed off our feet, Billy.
Billy: Yeah - lots of monster hunters. Don't take much these days. One mention on Twitter and WHOOMPH! We're out of WKD.
Gary: All right.
Billy: What with the monster and the ruddy prison, I... I don't know how we sleep nights. Do you, Gary?
Gary: Like a baby.
Billy: That's not true. He's a snorer.
Gary: Hey! Hush't!
Billy: Is yours a snorer?
Dr. John Watson: Got any crisps?

Corporal Lyons: It's just we don't get inspected here, you see, sir. It just doesn't happen.
Dr. John Watson: Ever heard of a spot check? Captain John Watson, Fifth North Umberland Fusiliers.
Corporal Lyons: Sir. Major Barrymore won't be pleased, sir. He'll want to see you both.
Dr. John Watson: I'm afraid we won't have time for that. We'll need the full tour, right away. Carry on. That's an order, Corporal.
Corporal Lyons: Yes, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: What the hell are YOU doing here?
DI Lestrade: Oh. Nice to see you, too. I'm on holiday, would you believe?
Sherlock Holmes: No, I wouldn't.
DI Lestrade: Hello, John.
Dr. John Watson: Greg.
DI Lestrade: I heard you were in the area. What are you up to? You after this Hound of Hell, like on the telly?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm waiting for an explanation, Inspector. Why are you here?
DI Lestrade: I've told you. I'm on holiday.
Sherlock Holmes: You're brown as a nut! You're clearly just BACK from your holidays.
DI Lestrade: Maybe I'd fancied another one.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, this is Mycroft, isn't it?
DI Lestrade: Now, look...
Sherlock Holmes: Of course it is. One mention of Baskerville and he sends down my "handler" to... to spy on me, incognito. Is that why you're calling yourself "Greg?"
Dr. John Watson: That's his name!
Sherlock Holmes: Is it?
DI Lestrade: Yes... if you'd ever bother to find out. Look, I'm not your handler, and I don't just do what your brother tells me.

Dr. Frankland: This is about Henry Knight, isn't it? I thought so. Oh, I knew he wanted help, but I didn't realize he was going to contact Sherlock Holmes. Oh, don't worry, I know who you really are. I'm never off your website. I thought you'd be wearing the hat, though.
Sherlock Holmes: That wasn't my hat.
Dr. Frankland: [to John] I hardly recognized him without the hat.
Sherlock Holmes: Wasn't my hat.
Dr. Frankland: I love the blog, too, Dr. Watson.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, cheers.

Henry Knight: Why didn't you just kill me?
Sherlock Holmes: Because dead men get listened to! He needed to do more than kill you! He had to discredit every word you ever said about your father, and he had the means right at his feet. A chemical minefield, pressure pads in the ground, dosing you up every time that you came back here. Murder weapon and scene of the crime, all at once. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, this case, Henry! Thank you! It's been BRILLIANT!
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: Timing!
Sherlock Holmes: No good?

Dr. John Watson: Oh, please. C-can we not do this, this time?
Sherlock Holmes: Do what?
Dr. John Watson: You, being all, uh, mysterious with your... cheekbones, and turning your coat collar up so you look cool.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't do that.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, you do.

Dr. John Watson: Sherlock's got a plan?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Henry Knight: Right.
Sherlock Holmes: We take you back onto the moor...
Henry Knight: Okay.
Sherlock Holmes: ...see if anything attacks you.
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: That should bring things to a head.

Dr. John Watson: You can't actually believe that you saw some kind of monster.
Sherlock Holmes: No, I can't believe that, but I did see it, so the question is - how? How?


"Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia (#2.1)" (2012)
[Sending John in the field, Sherlock looks at a case from the comfort of his apartment via webcam]
Sherlock Holmes: Look, this is a 6. No point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a 7, we agreed. Now, go back. Show me the grass.
Dr. John Watson: When did we agree that?
Sherlock Holmes: We agreed it yesterday. Stop! Closer.
Dr. John Watson: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
Sherlock Holmes: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
[doorbell rings]
Sherlock Holmes: [to the door] Shut up!
Dr. John Watson: You just carry on talking when I'm away?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know. How often are you away?

Policeman: Dr. Watson?
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
Policeman: It's for you.
Dr. John Watson: [reaches for phone] Okay, thanks.
Policeman: Uh, no, sir. The helicopter.

Mycroft Holmes: This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!
Sherlock Holmes: [dressed only in a bedsheet, on which Mycroft is standing] Get off my sheet!
Mycroft Holmes: Or what?
Sherlock Holmes: Or I'll just walk away.
Mycroft Holmes: I'll let you!
Dr. John Watson: Boys, please. Not here.

Mrs. Hudson: It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.
Mycroft Holmes: Oh, shut up, Mrs. Hudson!
Sherlock Holmes: [furious] Mycroft!
Dr. John Watson: Oy!
Mycroft Holmes: [long pause] Apologies.
Mrs. Hudson: Thank you.
Sherlock Holmes: Though do, in fact, shut up.

Sherlock Holmes: [checking out John's blog] You got a photograph of me wearing that hat!
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, people like the hat.
Sherlock Holmes: No, they don't! What people?

Sherlock Holmes: I see you've got a new boyfriend, Molly, and you're serious about him.
Molly Hooper: What? Sorry, what?
Sherlock Holmes: In fact, you're seeing him this very night and giving him a gift.
Dr. John Watson: Take a day off...
Lestrade: Shut up and have a drink.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, come on. Surely you've all seen the present at top of the bag, perfectly wrapped with a bow. All the others are slap-dash at best. It's for someone special, then. Shade of red echoes her lipstick - either an unconscious association or one that she's deliberately trying to encourage. Either way, Miss Hooper has LUV on her mind. In fact, that she's serious about him is clear from the fact that she's giving him a gift at all - that would suggest long-term hopes, however forlorn - and that she's seeing him tonight is evident from her makeup and what she's wearing - obviously trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts...
[voice trails off as he opens the tag: "Dearest Sherlock Love Molly xxx"]
Molly Hooper: [brutally embarrassed] You always say such horrible things. Every time. Always. Always...
Sherlock Holmes: [turns to leave but turns back] I am sorry. Forgive me.
[John looks up, completely surprised at hearing an apology from Sherlock]
Sherlock Holmes: Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.
[Sherlock kisses her cheek. Suddenly, Sherlock's text message tone goes off, which Irene Adler earlier changed to the sound of a woman gasping in ecstasy]
Molly Hooper: Oh! No, that wasn't...! I didn't...!
Sherlock Holmes: No, it was me.
Lestrade: What, really?
Molly Hooper: What?
Sherlock Holmes: My *phone*!

Dr. John Watson: Who-who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes; but, for the record, anyone out there still cares, I'm not actually gay.

Dr. John Watson: What's going on? Jeez, what the hell is happening?
Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson's been attacked by an American; I'm restoring balance to the universe.

Sherlock Holmes: Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing. John's expressed that thought in every possible variant available to the English language.
Irene Adler: I would have you, right here on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.
Sherlock Holmes: John, please, could you check those flight schedules to see if I'm right?
Dr. John Watson: All right. I'm on it. Yeah.
Sherlock Holmes: I've never begged for mercy in my life.
Irene Adler: Twice.

Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
Dr. John Watson: I don't know.
Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.

Sherlock Holmes: Punch me in the face!
Irene Adler: [scene cuts for a moment to Irene Adler applying makeup in her apartment] Shape? Blunt.
Dr. John Watson: [back in the street] Punch you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me. In the face. Didn't you hear me?
Dr. John Watson: I always hear "Punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, for Godsakes.
[Sherlock smacks John hard across the face]
Dr. John Watson: Ooo!
[Sherlock waits; John, now sufficiently roused, returns Sherlock's punch]
Sherlock Holmes: [getting up from the ground] Thank you. That was... that was...
[Not done, John delivers Sherlock a gut punch]
Sherlock Holmes: [now being strangled] I think we're done now, John!
Dr. John Watson: You ought to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier! I killed people!
Sherlock Holmes: You were a doctor!
Dr. John Watson: I had bad days!

Dr. John Watson: We should call the police.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
[fires five gunshots into the air]
Sherlock Holmes: On their way.
Dr. John Watson: For God's sake!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, shut up. It's quick.

Sherlock Holmes: [reluctantly impressed] Oh, you're rather good.
Irene Adler: [returning the compliment] You're not so bad.
[intense gazing into eyes ensues]
Dr. John Watson: [interrupting the pause] Hamish.
[startled looks from Irene and Sherlock]
Dr. John Watson: John Hamish Watson. Just... if you're... looking for baby names.

[Holmes is conferring with Watson from Baker Street, via webcam]
Sherlock Holmes: Now, show me the car that backfired.
Dr. John Watson: It's there.
Sherlock Holmes: That's the one that made the noise, yes?
Dr. John Watson: Yep. If you're thinking gunshot, there wasn't one. He wasn't shot. He was killed by a single blow to the back of the head from a blunt instrument which then magically disappeared, along with the killer. It's got to be an eight, at least.
DI Carter: [interjecting] You got two more minutes, then I want to know more about the driver.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, forget him, he's an idiot. Why else would he think himself a suspect?
DI Carter: *I* think he's a suspect.
Sherlock Holmes: Pass me over.
Dr. John Watson: All right, but there's a mute button and I *will* use it.
Sherlock Holmes: Okay, up a bit! I'm not talking from down here!
Dr. John Watson: [to DI Carter] Okay, just take it, take it.
[Carter takes the laptop]
Sherlock Holmes: Having driven to an isolated location and successfully committed a crime without a single witness, why would he then call the police and consult a detective? Fair play?
DI Carter: He's trying to be clever. It's overconfidence.
Sherlock Holmes: [sighs] Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised halitosis of a single man living on his own, the right sleeve of an internet porn addict, and the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition? Low self-esteem, tiny IQ, and a limited life-expectancy, and you think he's an audacious criminal mastermind?
Sherlock Holmes: [looking over his shoulder at the driver, sitting behind him] Don't worry, this is just stupid.
Phil: What did you say? Heart what?

Sherlock Holmes: Do you see how this works? That camera phone is her "get out of jail free" card. You have to leave her alone. Treat her like royalty, Mycroft.
Dr. John Watson: Though not the way *she* treats royalty.

Sherlock Holmes: [as John is typing] No no no, don't mention the unsolved ones!
Dr. John Watson: People want to know you're human.
Sherlock Holmes: Why?
Dr. John Watson: 'Cause they're interested.
Sherlock Holmes: No, they're not... why are they?
Dr. John Watson: Mm, look at that. One thousand eight hundred and ninety five.
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry, what?
Dr. John Watson: I reset that counter last night. This blog has had nearly 2,000 hits in the last eight hours. THIS is your living, Sherlock, not two hundred and forty types of tobacco ash.
Sherlock Holmes: [lights a blowtorch] Two hundred and forty-three.

Sherlock Holmes: Do people actually read your blog?
Dr. John Watson: Where do you think our clients come from?
Sherlock Holmes: I have a website.
Dr. John Watson: In which you enumerate two hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash. Nobody's reading your website.

Sherlock Holmes: I'll need some equipment, of course.
Mycroft Holmes: Anything you require, I'll have it sent...
Sherlock Holmes: [to the Equrry] Can I have a box of matches?
The Equerry: I'm sorry?
Sherlock Holmes: Or your cigarette lighter. Either will do.
The Equerry: I don't smoke.
Sherlock Holmes: No, I know YOU don't, but your employer does.
[the Equerry hesitates, then hands over the lighter]
The Equerry: We have kept a lot of people successfully in the dark about this little fact, Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not the Commonwealth.
Dr. John Watson: And that's as modest as he gets. Pleasure to meet you.

Dr. John Watson: [notes Sherlock wrapped in a bed sheet] You wearing any pants?
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Dr. John Watson: Okay.
[Holmes and Watson glance at each other and burst into laughter]
Dr. John Watson: At Buckingham Palace. Right. Oh, oh, I am seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray. What are we doing here, Sherlock? No, seriously, what?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know.
Dr. John Watson: Here to see the Queen?
[Mycroft walks in]
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, apparently yes.
[John and Sherlock start laughing]
Mycroft Holmes: Just once, can you two behave like grown ups?
Dr. John Watson: We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants, so I wouldn't hold on to too much hope.

Little Girl: They wouldn't let us see Granddad when he was dead. Is that 'cause he'd gone to heaven?
Sherlock Holmes: People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock...

Irene Adler: [stark naked before them] D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.
Sherlock Holmes: You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?
Irene Adler: No, I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you. Oh, if I had to punch that face...
Irene Adler: [looks over at John] ... I'd avoid your nose and teeth, too.
Dr. John Watson: [laughs nervously] Could you put something on, please? Uh, anything at all. A napkin...
Sherlock Holmes: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
Irene Adler: I don't think John knows where to look.
[Stands up and offers coat to Irene]
Irene Adler: No, I think he knows exactly where. I'm not sure about you.
Sherlock Holmes: If I were to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.
Dr. John Watson: You do borrow my laptop.
Sherlock Holmes: I confiscate it.

Dr. John Watson: She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. I need to look after her.
Mrs. Hudson: No...
Sherlock Holmes: No no no, she's fine.
Dr. John Watson: No, she's not. Look at her. She's gonna take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. Doctor's orders.
Sherlock Holmes: Don't be absurd.
Dr. John Watson: She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone. Where is it, anyway?
Sherlock Holmes: Safest place I know.
Mrs. Hudson: You left it in the pocket of your second-best dressing gown, you clod. I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson.
Dr. John Watson: Shame on me?
Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson leave Baker Street? England would fall!

Dr. John Watson: You were dead on a slab. It was definitely you.
Irene Adler: DNA tests are only as good as the records you keep.
Dr. John Watson: And I bet you know the record keeper.
Irene Adler: I know what he likes, and I needed to disappear.
Dr. John Watson: Then how come I can see you, and I don't even want to.
Irene Adler: Look, I made a mistake. I sent something to Sherlock for safekeeping and now I need it back, so I need your help.
Dr. John Watson: No.
Irene Adler: It's for his own safety.
Dr. John Watson: So's this: tell him you're alive.
Irene Adler: I can't.
Dr. John Watson: Fine. I'll tell him, and I still won't help you.
Irene Adler: What do I say?
Dr. John Watson: What do you normally say? You've texted him a LOT!
Irene Adler: Just the usual stuff.
Dr. John Watson: There is no "usual" in this case.
Irene Adler: "Good morning. I like your funny hat. I'm sad tonight. Let's have dinner." "You looked sexy on Crime Watch, let's have dinner." "I'm not hungry. Let's have dinner."
Dr. John Watson: You... flirted... with Sherlock Holmes?
Irene Adler: AT him. He never replies.
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock always replies - to everything. He's Mr. Punchline. He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
Irene Adler: Does that make me special?
Dr. John Watson: I don't know. Maybe.

Dr. John Watson: [walking in on Sherlock and a stark naked Irene Adler] I've missed something, haven't I?

Dr. John Watson: You don't trust your own Secret Service?
Mycroft Holmes: Naturally not. They all spy on people for money.


Without a Clue (1988)
Watson: I'll ask you once more: Are you coming with me?
Holmes: I would rather waltz naked through the fires of Hell.

Holmes: MORIARTY?
Watson: Oh, for God's sake...
Holmes: You didn't tell me that homicidal maniac was in on this!
Watson: That's because I knew you'd behave this way.
Holmes: Bravo! Another triumph for deductive reasoning!

Holmes: It wasn't YOU he tried to kill!
Watson: Think man, think... Who was SUPPOSED to be in that room?
Holmes: That's right! You were!
Watson: Moriarty knows... I'm am the only match for his evil genius.
Holmes: You mean he's not trying to kill me?
Watson: Of course not. He knows you're an idiot.
Holmes: Oh, thank God.

Holmes: How can I be expected to maintain the character when you belittle me in front of those hooligans?
Watson: Character? Are we talking about the same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt *excrement*?
Holmes: Is it my fault you have such poor handwriting?

[Holmes and Watson are walking through some woods. Holmes is looking up into the trees]
Holmes: What am I looking for?
Watson: Footprints.
Holmes: Ah.
[Holmes looks down]
Holmes: Have I found any yet?
Watson: Not yet.
Holmes: Well let me know when I do.

Holmes: Lovely story, Watson. But on page 2 you have me admitting a mistake.
Watson: A writer must write of which he knows...

Holmes: I'm reminded of the curious case of the Manchurian Mambo...
Watson: Holmes, could I have a word?
Holmes: Yes, what is it?
Watson: I believe that was the Manchurian Mamba.
Holmes: Mambo, mamba. What's the difference?
Watson: Well, very little, except that one is a deadly, poisonous snake, while the other is a rather festive Carribean dance.
Holmes: It was a night like any other, when suddenly a knock came at the door. I opened it, and there were these Manchurians, doing a rather festive Carribean dance...

Watson: Lord Mayor! Don't move until Holmes has searched the area for clues!
Holmes: My GOD I've trained you well, Watson!

[Watson reveals the ongoing deception to his publisher]
Greenhough: We'll start at the beginning, shall we?
Dr. Watson: It was about nine years ago. One of my patients was a Scotland Yard inspector investigating the Paxton murder case. I give him the name of the murderer, but gave credit to a, heh, nonexistent detective. At the time, I was hoping for an appointment to the staff of a rather conservative medical college; I... knew that they'd frown on my little, uh...
Greenhough: Hobby...
Dr. Watson: Exactly. Well, I didn't get the appointment. Instead, what I got was a quite unanticipated public demand to meet this "Sherlock Holmes."
Greenhough: So you hired this Reginald Kincaid.
Dr. Watson: He was an actor. Unfortunately, he was also a gambler, a womanizer, and a drunkard.
Greenhough: John, you have jeopardized the integrity of English literature! Still, I should have known. He was always borrowing large sums of money off me and, uh, never paying me back.
Dr. Watson: The cad!
Greenhough: Oh, don't worry, we deducted it from your royalties.

Dr. Watson: But it's time now for the public to learn the truth!
Greenhough: The - truth?
Dr. Watson: Certainly. No one will want to read of that twit again. His popularity will plummet. They'll be desperate for my new creation.
Greenhough: What new creation?
Dr. Watson: John Watson, the Crime Doctor! I can have it ready for your very next issue.

[Watson tries working without "Holmes"]
Dr. Watson: That's right. John Watson, the Crime Doctor.
Bobby at Warehouse: Crime Doctor? Never heard of him. Though, uh, your name sounds a bit familiar.
Dr. Watson: [grudgingly] All right. I am Dr. John Watson, author of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries.
Bobby at Warehouse: [warming] Sherlock Holmes?
Dr. Watson: Yesssss.
Bobby at Warehouse: THE Sherlock Holmes?
Dr. Watson: Yesssss.
Bobby at Warehouse: Me and the wife... has read every one of his stories.
Dr. Watson: All right. Now, if you'll excuse...
Bobby at Warehouse: But I'm sorry, doctor. I still can't let you in. Strict orders about that, I'm afraid. Uh, Mr. Holmes, did he, uh, send you here?
Dr. Watson: He certainly did not!
Bobby at Warehouse: Well, perhaps the next time you should check with him first, eh? Save yourself a trip.

Inspector Lestrade: His Lordship wishes to see Mr. Holmes.
Dr. Watson: I'm sorry to say he's not here at the moment.
Lord Smithwick: Oh, how disappointing.
Inspector Lestrade: Sir, as I said before, I really don't think Mr. Holmes' involvement in this case is at all necessary.
Dr. Watson: I quite agree.
Inspector Lestrade: You do?
Dr. Watson: However, the Crime Doctor is at your disposal.
Inspector Lestrade: Who the deuce is the Crime Doctor?

Dr. Watson: Believe it or not, I'm every bit Holmes's equal as a detective.
Lord Smithwick: [scoffing] Dr. Watson...
Dr. Watson: Ha ha, I happen to know that you recently recovered from an illness; that you smoke a pipe, ah!, probably, uh, rosewood; and you spent time in China...
Inspector Lestrade: [interrupting] Sorry, doctor, this is no time for parlor games.
Dr. Watson: I'm not playing parlor games-...
Inspector Lestrade: Doctor, this is a matter for professionals!
Sherlock Holmes: [bursting in] You've got to help me! There's two big men...
Dr. Watson: Holmes, you're back - so good to see you! My, this is a clever disguise - a drunken lout. Ha, very realistic.
Sherlock Holmes: There's two - this one big fellow...
Dr. Watson: Ah, excuse us just a moment.
[He whisks Holmes into the next room; after some banging about they return, now calm]
Dr. Watson: Gentlemen, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Lestrade. It's good to see the department's letting you out at night again. Lord Smithwick - trouble at the exchequer?
Lord Smithwick: Well, to be honest - Wait, how did you know?
Sherlock Holmes: The same way that I can tell you recently recovered from an illness; smoke a pipe, probably rosewood; and have spent some time in...
Dr. Watson: [prompting] China.
Sherlock Holmes: China.
Lord Smithwick: AMAZING!
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Uh, uh, Lord, uh, Smithwick, um, before we start, perhaps a... little sherry?
Lord Smithwick: I wish we could. But the matter which brings me here involves the fate of the entire Empire.
Sherlock Holmes: I see. Perhaps a whiskey, then?

Watson: Mandchurian mambo...
[slaps a bush]
Watson: Steady, Watson! Just get through it one more time! Then you're rid of that fellow... What a pleasant thought!
[breezes hearable]
Watson: I feel much better... quite euphoric!

Sherlock Holmes: What are you doing?
Dr. Watson: Thinking.
Sherlock Holmes: Right. I'm going to think too.
[Long pause]
Sherlock Holmes: What shall we think about, Watson?

Sherlock Holmes: Ah, now, now, we know for a fact that Giles was on the boat.
Dr. Watson: No, we don't.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Well, we do know for a fact that Giles arrived in Windermere.
Dr. Watson: No he didn't.
Sherlock Holmes: (He didn't? I thought he did.) Ah. Well, we really know that Giles was behind the theft of the printing plates.
Dr. Watson: No, he wasn't.

Leslie: Oh, you brave, brave man!
Sherlock Holmes: Danger is my trade - but not yours. It's unsafe for you to sleep alone tonight, unattended.
Dr. Watson: Yes, we insist you stay with us.
Leslie: Oh, but, but surely I'd be an imposition.
Sherlock Holmes: Think nothing of it, my dear.
Dr. Watson: Indeed. Holmes will be working... all night anyway, so you can have his room.

Watson: Last night, Holmes realized how stupid he had been.
Holmes: Now, I didn't say stupid...
Watson: Yes, you did.

[Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty prepare to have a swordfight on the stage of the Orpheum Theater]
Professor James Moriarty: Ordinarily I do not bother with half-wits and buffoons.
[Holmes reaches to draw a sword from nearby, but grabs Mrs. Hudson's umbrella by accident]
Holmes: Buffoons, is it?
[Moriarty looks annoyed. Realizing his mistake, Holmes quickly tosses the umbrella aside and draws a sword for real this time]
Holmes: Buffoon, is it?
Mrs. Hudson: [Looking on with Dr. Watson] He'll be killed!
Dr. Watson: I quite doubt it, Mrs. Hudson. He's in his element now.

[Holmes and Watson enter a home and Watson picks up the mail]
Dr. Watson: Oh, a French postcard.
Holmes: Really?
[he takes the card from Watson]
Holmes: I know a chap who collected these once. He had this wonderful one... two women... oh, it's just a picture of the Eiffel Tower.

Inspector Lestrade: You're alive!
Watson: Astounding observation, Inspector. We must discuss it.

Local #1: A toast to the greatest detective in all the world.
Holmes: Thank you, gentlemen. I am touched.
Watson: I can vouch for that!

Watson: Holmes believes your father has been abducted.
Leslie: Abducted? By who?
Sherlock Holmes: Abductors

Watson: Have you got your revolver with you?
Holmes: Yeah, sure.
[fumbles around]
Holmes: Here it is.
Watson: Right, now I'm going to let you have some bullets for it. Try not to shoot yourself - at least, not until I give the signal.


Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (2011)
Dr. John Watson: Oh, how I've missed you, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Have you? Why? I've barely noticed your absence.

[from trailer]
Dr. John Watson: I see your web of conspiracy has expanded.

[from trailer]
Sherlock Holmes: [looks at Watson's gun] Get that out of my face.
Dr. John Watson: It's not in your face; it's in my hand.
Sherlock Holmes: Get what's in your hand out of my face!

[from trailer]
Dr. John Watson: [seeing Holmes's drag outfit] What?
Sherlock Holmes: I agree it's not my best disguise.

[after Holmes throws Mary off the train, Watson turns around and sees his wife gone]
Sherlock Holmes: It had to be done. She's safe now! In my own defense, I timed it perfectly-!
[Watson lunges at him and starts throttling him]
Dr. John Watson: Did you kill my wife?
Sherlock Holmes: [muffled, tries to respond]
Dr. John Watson: DID-YOU-JUST-KILL-MY-NEW-WIFE?
Sherlock Holmes: [forces Watson's hand away] Of course not!
Dr. John Watson: What do you mean? How do you know that, when you just threw her off a train?
Sherlock Holmes: I told you, I timed it perfectly!
Dr. John Watson: What does that mean?
Sherlock Holmes: Calm down!
Dr. John Watson: Explain!
Sherlock Holmes: By the time I explained, we'd both be dead!

Dr. John Watson: [as he watches Sherlock drinking embalming fluid] You're drinking embalming fluid?
Sherlock Holmes: [exhales] Yes. Care for a drop?
Dr. John Watson: You do seem...
Sherlock Holmes: Excited?
Dr. John Watson: Manic.
Sherlock Holmes: I am.
Dr. John Watson: Verging on...
Sherlock Holmes: Ecstatic?
Dr. John Watson: Psychotic.
Dr. John Watson: [pause] I should've brought you a sedative.

Sherlock Holmes: [lights pipe]
Dr. John Watson: What are we doing down here?
Sherlock Holmes: *We* are waiting. *I* am smoking.

Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons?
Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride?
Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?

Dr. John Watson: How did you know I would find you?
Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me. You collapsed a building on me.

Dr. John Watson: [reading a note from Holmes] Come at once if convenient.
[flips the note over to back side]
Dr. John Watson: If inconvenient, come all the same.

Dr. John Watson: [performing CPR] I know you can hear me, you selfish bastard!

Dr. John Watson: He's after us, because of you!
Sherlock Holmes: Don't be so petulant about it.

Mary Watson: I miss him too, in my own way.
Dr. John Watson: He would have wanted us to go to Brighton.
Mary Watson: He would have wanted to come with us.

Sherlock Holmes: Madam, this is a glorious hedgehog goulash. I can't remember ever having had better.
Dr. John Watson: Do tell me, when was the last time you had a hedgehog goulash?
Sherlock Holmes: I told you, Watson, I can't remember.
Dr. John Watson: [whispered] Perhaps you've repressed it.
Sherlock Holmes: [chuckles] That's where we differ. Unlike you, I repress nothing.
Dr. John Watson: Perfectly normal.
Sherlock Holmes: How dare you be rude to this women who has invited us into her tent, offered us her hedgehog?
Dr. John Watson: Says the man who throws women from trains.

Sherlock Holmes: [after they finish a short waltz] Who taught you to dance like that?
Dr. John Watson: [with a smile of reminiscence] You did.

[when Holmes has sedated Gladstone yet again]
Dr. John Watson: How many times are you going to kill my dog?

[last lines]
Dr. John Watson: [upon receiving the oxygen mask as an indication that Holmes may be alive] Mary? Who delivered this parcel?
Mary Watson: [offscreen] The postman.
Dr. John Watson: [as he leaves the room] The usual chap or... did he look peculiar?

[first lines]
Dr. John Watson: [voice-over] The year was 1891. Storm clouds were brewing over Europe. France and Germany were at each other's throats, the result of a series of bombings. Some said it was the Nationalists. Others, the anarchists. But as usual, my friend Sherlock Holmes, had a different theory entirely.

Dr. John Watson: Holmes, how did you know I would find you?
Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me, you collapsed a building on me.

Dr. John Watson: [Sherlock holds out his hand towards Watson] I thought you'd never ask.
[Watson and Holmes start to dance together]

Sherlock Holmes: Did you call me a selfish bastard?
Dr. John Watson: Probably.

Dr. John Watson: I'm on my honeymoon!
[Watson kicks Holmes on the bum]
Dr. John Watson: Why did you lead them here! Why did you involve us?
Sherlock Holmes: They're not here for me they are here for you! Fortunately... so am I.

Mrs. Hudson: Doctor, you must get him to a sanatorium. He's been on a diet of coffee, tobacco, and coca leaves. He never sleeps. I hear multiple voices as if he's rehearsing for a play...
Dr. John Watson: Leave him to me.
Sherlock Holmes: [appears next to her] Don't you have a goat that needs worming?
[goat lows]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, how kind of you to remind me. So much to look forward to. What would I do without you?


Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Sherlock Holmes: You've never complained about my methods before.
Dr. John Watson: I'm not complaining.
Sherlock Holmes: You're not? What do you call this?
Dr. John Watson: I never complain! How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?
Sherlock Holmes: Uh, we have a barter system...
Dr. John Watson: When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms?
Sherlock Holmes: Our rooms...
Dr. John Watson: The rooms! Or, or, the fact that you experiment on my dog?
Sherlock Holmes: Our dog...
Dr. John Watson: The dog!
Sherlock Holmes: Gladstone is our dog!

Dr. John Watson: [as he's choking Dredger into unconsciousness] Relax. I'm a doctor.

Dr. John Watson: You've been in this room for two weeks, I insist you have to get out.
Sherlock Holmes: There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all.
Dr. John Watson: So you're free this evening?
Sherlock Holmes: Absolutely.
Dr. John Watson: Dinner?
Sherlock Holmes: Wonderful.
Dr. John Watson: The Royale?
Sherlock Holmes: My favorite.
Dr. John Watson: Mary's coming.
Sherlock Holmes: Not available.
Dr. John Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: Have you proposed yet?
Dr. John Watson: No, I haven't found the right ring.
Sherlock Holmes: Then it's not official.
Dr. John Watson: It's happening. Whether you like it or not, 8:30, the Royale. Wear a jacket!
Sherlock Holmes: *You* wear a jacket.

[Holmes picks up a gadget from the midget's workshop and it turns out to be a taser, that sends Dredger flying across the room, crushing another thug who has Watson pinned]
Dr. John Watson: Holmes? What is that?
Sherlock Holmes: Je ne sais pas.

[Mrs. Hudson starts to clear space for the tea tray]
Sherlock Holmes: Don't touch. Everything is in its proper place... as per usual, Nanny.
[on her way out, Mrs. Hudson notices the dog laying on the floor]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, he's killed the dog. Again.
Dr. John Watson: [irritated] What have you done to Gladstone now?
Sherlock Holmes: I was simply testing a new anesthetic. He doesn't mind.

[Holmes has been firing a gun into the wall]
Dr. John Watson: Permission to enter the armory?
Sherlock Holmes: Granted.
[He fires again]
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, I am in the process of inventing a device which muffles the sound of a gunshot.
[He yells in pain as Watson opens the curtains, letting sunlight into the room]
Dr. John Watson: It's not working.

Dr. John Watson: No, not you, Mary and I. You are not...
Sherlock Holmes: What? Invited? Why would I be not invited to my own brother's country home, Watson? Now you are not making any sense!
Dr. John Watson: You are not human!

Dr. John Watson: [Holmes points his violin bow at Watson] Get that out of my face.
Sherlock Holmes: It's not in your face, it's in my hand.
Dr. John Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face.

[Watson is sorting Holmes's un-read mail, in response to his demand for work]
Dr. John Watson: Lady Radford reports her emerald bracelet has gone missing.
Sherlock Holmes: [not looking up] Insurance swindle. Lord Radford likes fast women and slow ponies.

[Holmes is spying on Blackwood's sacrifice. A henchman tries to sneak up on him, but Watson grabs him and puts him in a hold]
Dr. John Watson: I like the hat.
Sherlock Holmes: Thanks, I just picked it up.
Dr. John Watson: You remember your revolver?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, knew I forgot something. Thought I left the stove on.
Dr. John Watson: You did.
Sherlock Holmes: I think that's quite enough. You are a doctor, after all.
[Watson feels the henchman's pulse and lets him fall to the floor]
Sherlock Holmes: Always nice to see you, Watson.

[Watson and Mary enter Baker Street to find Holmes hanging from a noose]
Dr. John Watson: Don't worry, dear. Suicide is not in his repertoire. He's far too fond of himself for that.
[pokes Holmes sharply]
Dr. John Watson: Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: [wakes up] Oh, good afternoon. I was attempting to determine the means by which Blackwood survived his execution - clearing your good name, as it were - but it had a surprisingly soporific effect, and I found myself carried off into the arms of Morpheus like a caterpillar in a cocoon.
[to Mary]
Sherlock Holmes: Good afternoon, dear.
Dr. John Watson: Get on with it, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, cleverly concealed in the hangman's knot was a hook... oh, my, I think my legs have fallen asleep. I should probably come down.
Mary Morstan: John, shouldn't we help him down?
Dr. John Watson: No, no, I hate to cut him off mid-stream. Carry on.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, the executioner attached it to a harness which allowed the weight to be distributed around the waist and the neck to remain intact. Oh, lord, I can't feel my cheeks. Might we continue this at ground level?
Dr. John Watson: How did you manage it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: I managed it with braces, belts and a coat-hook. Please, Watson, my tongue is going, soon I'll be of no use to you at all.
Dr. John Watson: Worse things could happen.

Dr. John Watson: What of Mary?
Palm Reader: M for Mary. For marriage. Oh, you will be married!
Dr. John Watson: [nodding his head slowly] Go on.
Palm Reader: [looking intensely at Watson's palm] Oh, I see pattern tablecloth and... Oh, china figurines and... Ugh! Lace doilies!
Sherlock Holmes: [pretending to be deep in thought] Mmm... Doilies!
Dr. John Watson: Lace... doilies? Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds?
Sherlock Holmes: No!
Palm Reader: [continuing her prophecies about Mary] Oh, then she turns fat and, ugh, she has a beard and...
Sherlock Holmes: What of the warts?
Palm Reader: Ah, she's covered in warts!
Dr. John Watson: [interrupting the palm reader] Enough, enough!
Sherlock Holmes: Are they extensive?
Dr. John Watson: Please, enough!

Lord Blackwood: Sherlock Holmes... and his loyal dog. Tell me, Doctor, as a medical man, have you enjoyed my work?
Dr. John Watson: Let me show you how much I've enjoyed it...
[He rushes at Blackwood, Holmes holds him back]
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, don't! Observe...
[Watson sees Blackwood's trap]
Dr. John Watson: How did you see that?
Sherlock Holmes: Because I was looking for it.

Dr. John Watson: You really believe he was resurrected?
Sherlock Holmes: The question is not if but how. The game's afoot.
Dr. John Watson: "Follow your spirit..."
Dr. John Watson, Sherlock Holmes: "And upon this charge, cry, 'God for Harry, England and St. George!'"

Sherlock Holmes: Whatever he was working on, he obviously succeeded.
Dr. John Watson: How do you know?
Sherlock Holmes: Otherwise, he'd still be alive.

Dr. John Watson: [about Irene , to Holmes] She loves an entrance, your muse.

Dr. John Watson: Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds?
Sherlock Holmes: [nonchalantly] No!

Sherlock Holmes: [after two henchmen call in Dredger, to Watson] Meat? Or potatoes?
Dr. John Watson: My ten minutes are up.

[Holmes and Watson are searching Riordan's house]
Sherlock Holmes: There's one odor I can't put my finger on. Is it candy floss, molasses...? Ah! Barley sugar.
[Watson turns around to see two goons enter, one holding a... ]
Dr. John Watson: ...Toffee apple.
Sherlock Holmes: Let me guess... Judging by your arsonist's tool kit, you're here to burn down the building and destroy all the evidence therein.
Thug: Just one minute, boys.
[calls]
Thug: Oh, Dredger!
[as Dredger enters, Holmes and Watson look up... and up]
Dredger: Il y a un problème?

Mary Morstan: [Mary asks Holmes to make some deductions regarding herself] What can you tell about me?
Sherlock Holmes: You?
Dr. John Watson: I don't think that's...
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know if that's...
Dr. John Watson: Not at dinner.
Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps some other time.
Mary Morstan: I insist.
Sherlock Holmes: You insist?
Dr. John Watson: You remember we've discussed this.
Sherlock Holmes: [demanding] The lady insists.

Sherlock Holmes: Where's the inspector?
Dr. John Watson: Getting his troops lined up.
Sherlock Holmes: That could be all day.

Dr. John Watson: [Holmes is firing a gun in the house] Mrs Hudson.
Mrs. Hudson: I won't go in there by myself, not while he's got a gun in his hand!
Dr. John Watson: You don't have to go in there at all.
Mrs. Hudson: What will I do when you leave, doctor? He'll have the whole house down!
Dr. John Watson: He just needs another case, that's all.

Dr. John Watson: [to Holmes, about Irene] Why is the only woman you've cared about a world class criminal? Are you a masochist?


"Sherlock: His Last Vow (#3.3)" (2014)
Sherlock Holmes: One false move and we'll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnussen is quite simply the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are comprehensibly stacked against us.
Dr. John Watson: But it's Christmas!
Sherlock Holmes: [huge grin] I feel the same. Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas. Did you bring your gun as I suggested?
Dr. John Watson: Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house for Christmas dinner?
Sherlock Holmes: Is it in your coat?
Dr. John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Off we go, then.

Dr. John Watson: I don't understand.
Charles Magnussen: You should have that on a t-shirt.
Dr. John Watson: [... much later] I still don't understand.
Charles Magnussen: And there's the back of the t-shirt.

Dr. John Watson: The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege.

Mary Morstan: But he's dead. I mean, you told me he was dead - Moriarty.
Dr. John Watson: Absolutely. Blew his own brains out.
Mary Morstan: So how can he be back?
Dr. John Watson: Well if he is, he'd better wrap up warm. There's an east wind coming.

Sherlock Holmes: [Door busts out. Sherlock comes out with John following him, both shouting angrily] For God's sakes, John! I'm on a case!
Dr. John Watson: A month! That's all it took! One!
Sherlock Holmes: Working!
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock Holmes, in a drug den! How's that gonna look?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm undercover.
Dr. John Watson: No, you're not!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I'm not NOW!

Bill Wiggins: You broke my arm!
Dr. John Watson: Nope, I sprained it.
Bill Wiggins: It feels squishy. Is it supposed to feel squishy? Feel there!
[Extends arm to John]
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, it's a sprain. I'm a doctor. I know how to sprain people. Now where is Isaac Whitney?
Bill Wiggins: I don't know. Maybe upstairs.
Dr. John Watson: [pats Billy on the leg] There you go. Wasn't that easy?
Bill Wiggins: No, it was really sore. Mental you are.
Dr. John Watson: Nope, just used to a better class of criminal.

Isaac Whitney: Dr. Watson?
Dr. John Watson: Yep.
Isaac Whitney: Where am I?
Dr. John Watson: The arse-end of the universe with the scum of the Earth. Look at me.
Isaac Whitney: Have you come for me?
Dr. John Watson: D'you think I know a lot of people here?
[Isaac laughs hazily]
Dr. John Watson: Hey, you all right?
Sherlock Holmes: [in the corner behind John, turning to reveal his face] Oh, hello, John! Didn't expect to see you here. Come for me, too?

Bill Wiggins: All right, Shezza?
Dr. John Watson: "Shezza"?
Sherlock Holmes: I was undercover.
Mary Morstan: Seriously, "Shezza" though?
Dr. John Watson: We're not going to home, we're going to Barts. I'm calling Molly.
Mary Morstan: Why?
Dr. John Watson: [while holding up phone to ear] Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar.

Dr. John Watson: There's nothing the matter with me! Imagine I said that without shouting.

Dr. John Watson: It's for a case, you said.
Sherlock Holmes: Yep.
Dr. John Watson: What sort of case?
Sherlock Holmes: Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
Dr. John Watson: You're trying to put me off?
Sherlock Holmes: God, no. I'm trying to recruit you.

Sherlock Holmes: You know Magnussen as a newspaper owner, but he is so much more than that. He uses his power and wealth to gain information. The more he acquires, the greater his wealth and power, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that he knows the critical pressure point on every person of note or influence in the whole of the Western world and probably beyond. He is the Napoleon of blackmail, and he's created an unassailable architecture of forbidden knowledge. Its name is Appledore.
Dr. John Watson: Dinner.
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry, what? Dinner?
Dr. John Watson: Me and Mary coming for... dinner with... wine and... sitting.
Sherlock Holmes: Seriously? I've just told you that the Western world is run from this house, and you want to talk about dinner?
Dr. John Watson: Fine. Talk about the house.
Sherlock Holmes: It is the greatest repository of sensitive and dangerous information anywhere in the world, the Alexandrian library of secrets and scandals, and none of it is on a computer. He's smart. Computers can be hacked. It's all on hard copy in vaults underneath that house; and, as long as it is, the personal freedom of anyone you've ever met is a fantasy.

Dr. John Watson: Did you just get engaged to break into an office?
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah. Stroke of luck meeting her at your wedding. You can take some of the credit.
Dr. John Watson: Je... Jesus, Sherlock, she loves you.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. Like I said - human error.
Dr. John Watson: What're you gonna do?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, not actually marry her, obviously. There's only so far you can go.
Dr. John Watson: So what will you tell her?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I'll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse to get into her boss's office. I'll imagine she'll want to stop seeing me at that point, but you're the expert on women.

Dr. John Watson: Is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. Good that we've settled that.

Dr. John Watson: You! What have I ever done - hm? - my whole life to deserve you?
Sherlock Holmes: Everything.
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock, I've told you... shut up.
Sherlock Holmes: No, I mean it, seriously. Everything - everything you've ever done - is what you did.
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
Sherlock Holmes: You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
Mrs. Hudson: It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing.
Sherlock Holmes: And exotic dancing.

Sherlock Holmes: Right here, right now, what... is... she?
Dr. John Watson: [sniffs] Okay. Your way. Always your way.
[clears throat, places a chair in the middle of the room]
Dr. John Watson: Sit.
Mary Morstan: Why?
Dr. John Watson: Because that's where they sit - the people who come in here with their stories - the... the clients. That's all you are now, Mary. You're a client. This is where you sit and talk, and this is where we sit and listen, then we decide if we want you or not.
[All sit in their designated chairs]

Dr. John Watson: The game is over.
Sherlock Holmes: The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now. That's OK, the East Wind takes us all in the end.
Dr. John Watson: What's that?
Sherlock Holmes: It's a story my brother told me when we were kids. The East Wind is a terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path. It seeks out the unworthy and plucks them from the earth. That was generally me.
Dr. John Watson: Nice.
Sherlock Holmes: He's a rubbish big brother.


"Sherlock: The Blind Banker (#1.2)" (2010)
Sherlock Holmes: I need to get some air - we're going out tonight.
Dr John Watson: Actually, I've, uh, got a date.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr John Watson: It's where two people who like each other go out and have fun?
Sherlock Holmes: That's what *I* was suggesting.
Dr John Watson: No, it wasn't. At least I hope not.

Dr John Watson: Where are we headed?
Sherlock Holmes: I need to ask some advice.
Dr John Watson: What? Sorry?
Sherlock Holmes: You heard me perfectly, I'm not saying it again.

Dr John Watson: Yeah, I didn't get the shopping.
Sherlock Holmes: What? Why not?
Dr John Watson: Because I had a row, in the shop, with a chip and pin machine!
Sherlock Holmes: Y... you had a row with a machine?
Dr John Watson: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse.

Dr John Watson: No, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!

Sherlock Holmes: So, you're doing well. You've been abroad a lot.
Seb Wilkes: Well... some.
Sherlock Holmes: Flying all the way around the world, twice in a month.
Seb Wilkes: [laughs] Right. You're doing that thing.
Seb Wilkes: [to John] We were at uni together. This guy here had a trick he used to do.
Sherlock Holmes: It's not a trick.
Seb Wilkes: He could look at you and tell your whole life story.
Dr John Watson: Yes, I've seen him do it.
Seb Wilkes: Put the wind up everybody. We hated him. We'd come down to breakfast in the formal hall and this freak would know you'd been shagging the previous night.
Sherlock Holmes: I simply observed.
Seb Wilkes: Go on, enlighten me. "Two trips a month flying all the way around the world." You're quite right. How could you tell? Your gonna tell me there was a stain on my tie from some special kind of ketchup you can only buy in Manhatten?
Sherlock Holmes: No, I...
Seb Wilkes: Or it was the mud on my shoes?
Sherlock Holmes: I was just chatting with your secretary outside. She told me.

Dr John Watson: "Two trips around the world this month". You didn't ask his secretary. You said that just to irritate him. How did you know?
Sherlock Holmes: Did you see his watch?
Dr John Watson: His watch?
Sherlock Holmes: The time is right but the date was wrong. It said two days ago. Crossed the dateline twice but he didn't alter it.

Grocery Scanner: Item not scanned. Please try again.
Dr John Watson: Do you think you could keep your voice down!

Dr John Watson: [to bound and gagged Sarah] Don't worry. Next date won't be like this.

Dr John Watson: Hi, I have, uh, two tickets reserved for tonight.
Ticket Seller: And what's the name?
Dr John Watson: Uh, Holmes.
Ticket Seller: Actually, I have three in that name.
Dr John Watson: No, I don't think so. We only booked two.
Sherlock Holmes: [from off screen] Then I phoned back and got one for myself as well.

Sherlock Holmes: [as John enters the room] I said, "Could you pass me a pen?"
Dr John Watson: What? When?
Sherlock Holmes: About an hour ago.
Dr John Watson: Didn't notice I'd gone out then?

Dr John Watson: Is that my computer?
Sherlock Holmes: Of course.
Dr John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Mine was in the bedroom.
Dr John Watson: What, and you couldn't be bothered to get up.
[realizing]
Dr John Watson: It's password-protected.
Sherlock Holmes: In a manner of speaking.

Sherlock Holmes: Those symbols at the bank - the graffiti - why were they put there?
Dr John Watson: It was some sort of code?
Sherlock Holmes: Obviously. Why were they painted? If you want to communicate, why not use email?
Dr John Watson: Well, maybe he wasn't answering.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, good, you follow.
Dr John Watson: Nope.

Sherlock Holmes: You've been a while.
Dr John Watson: Yeah, well, you know how it is. Custody sergeants don't really like to be hurried, do they? Just formalities. Fingerprints. Charge sheet. And I've got to be in magistrate's court on Tuesday.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr John Watson: Me, Sherlock. In court. On Tuesday. They're giving me an ASBO.
Sherlock Holmes: Good. Fine.
Dr John Watson: You wanna tell your little pal he's welcome to go and own up anytime.

Dr John Watson: It's been painted over. I don't understand. It... it was... here. Ten minutes ago. I saw it. A whole lot of graffiti.
Sherlock Holmes: Somebody doesn't want me to see it.
[he grabs Watson's head]
Dr John Watson: Hey. Sherlock, what are you...
Sherlock Holmes: Shh! John, concentrate! I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes.
Dr John Watson: No. What? Why? Why? What are you doing?
Sherlock Holmes: I need you to maximize your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?
Dr John Watson: Yeah.
Sherlock Holmes: Can you remember it?
Dr John Watson: Yes. Definitely.
Sherlock Holmes: Can you remember the pattern?
Dr John Watson: Yes!
Sherlock Holmes: How much can you remember it?
Dr John Watson: Well, don't worry.
Sherlock Holmes: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62 percent accurate.
Dr John Watson: Yeah, well, don't worry, I remember all of it.
Sherlock Holmes: Really?
Dr John Watson: Yeah, well, at least I would if I can get to my pockets. I took a photograph.

Sherlock Holmes: Look at the case. There was something tightly packed inside it.
Dr John Watson: Thanks, I'll... take your word for it.
Sherlock Holmes: Problem?
Dr John Watson: Yeah, I'm not desperate to root around some bloke's dirty underwear.

Dr John Watson: A hairpin for nine million pounds.
Sherlock Holmes: Apparently.
Dr John Watson: Why so much?
Sherlock Holmes: Depends who owned it.


"Sherlock: The Empty Hearse (#3.1)" (2014)
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?
Mary Morstan: Uh, well, we thought May.
Mrs. Hudson: Ah, a spring wedding.
Mary Morstan: Yeah. Well, once we've actually got engaged.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
Mary Morstan: We were interrupted last time.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
DI Lestrade: Well, I can't wait.
Mary Morstan: You will be there, Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes: Weddings - not really my thing.

Dr. John Watson: Well, I've got some news.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, God. Is it serious?
Dr. John Watson: What? No. No, I'm not ill. I've, er... well I'm... moving on.
Mrs. Hudson: You're emigrating.
Dr. John Watson: Nope, er, no, I've, er... I've met someone.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh! Oh, lovely!
Dr. John Watson: Yeah. We're getting married. Well, I'm gonna ask, anyway.
Mrs. Hudson: So soon after Sherlock?
Dr. John Watson: Hm, well, yes...
Mrs. Hudson: What's his name?
Dr. John Watson: [sighs] It's a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: A woman?
Dr. John Watson: Yes, of course it's a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: [laughs quietly] You really have moved on, haven't you?
Dr. John Watson: Mrs. Hudson, how many times... Sherlock was not my boyfriend.
Mrs. Hudson: Live and let live, that's my motto.
Dr. John Watson: Listen to me: I am not gay!

Dr. John Watson: Mind palace!
Sherlock Holmes: Hm?
Dr. John Watson: Use your mind palace!
Sherlock Holmes: How will that help?
Dr. John Watson: You sorted away every fact under the sun!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, and you think I've just got "How to defuse a bomb" tucked away in there somewhere?
Dr. John Watson: YES!
Sherlock Holmes: ...maybe.

Mary Morstan: God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me, and then His Nibbs turns up...
Dr. John Watson: I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.
Mary Morstan: [sighs] You should put that on a t-shirt.

Dr. John Watson: [with a time bomb ticking] So what do we do?
Sherlock Holmes: I've no idea.
Dr. John Watson: Well, think of something.
Sherlock Holmes: Why do you think I know what to do?
Dr. John Watson: Because you're Sherlock Holmes - you're as clever as it gets.
Sherlock Holmes: Doesn't mean I know how to diffuse a giant bomb. What about you?
Dr. John Watson: I wasn't in bomb disposal. I'm a bloody doctor.
Sherlock Holmes: And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all.
Dr. John Watson: Can't we... can't we rip their timer off or something?
Sherlock Holmes: But that would set it off.
Dr. John Watson: You see? You know things!

Dr. John Watson: I wanted you not to be dead!
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.

Dr. John Watson: [seeing a coupe scooted from the room] Clients?
Sherlock Holmes: Just my parents.
Dr. John Watson: Your parents?
Sherlock Holmes: In town for a few days.
Dr. John Watson: YOUR parents?
Sherlock Holmes: Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Mis. Tried to talk me into doing it.
Dr. John Watson: Those were your parents?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Well. THAT is not... what I...
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: I-I mean, they're... just... so... ordinary.
Sherlock Holmes: It's a cross I have to bear.

Dr. John Watson: You'd have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.
Sherlock Holmes: Love what?
Dr. John Watson: Being Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

Dr. John Watson: One word, Sherlock! That is all I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!
Sherlock Holmes: I've nearly been in contact so many times, but... I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you know, let the cat out of the bag.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, so this is MY fault?
[Mary starts laughing]
Dr. John Watson: Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong? The only one reacting like a human being.
Sherlock Holmes: Over-reacting.
Dr. John Watson: [Yelling] Over-reacting!
Mary Morstan: John!
Dr. John Watson: Over-reacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz here, large as bloody life, but I'm not supposed to have a problem with that, no, because Sherlock Holmes thinks it's a perfectly okay thing to do!
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up, John! I don't want everyone knowing I'm still alive.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, so it's still a secret, is it?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes! It's still a secret. Promise you won't tell anyone.

Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes: Mm?
Mrs. Hudson: Talk to John.
Sherlock Holmes: I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
Dr. John Watson: [John is in his office examining a patient with an undescended testicle. He lifts a middle finger] Just relax, Mr Summers.
Mrs. Hudson: What did he say?
Sherlock Holmes: F...
Dr. John Watson: [feeling his patient's testicles] Cough.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, dear.

Dr. John Watson: Well, uh, surprise me.
Sherlock Holmes: Certainly endeavoring to, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: No, I prefer my doctors clean-shaven.
Dr. John Watson: That's not a sentence you hear every day.

Dr. John Watson: [furious] Two years. Two years! I thought... I thought you were dead. Now you let me grieve. Hm? How could you do that? How?
Sherlock Holmes: Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um... one question, just let me ask one question.
Sherlock Holmes: [laughing at John's moustache] Are you really gonna keep that?

Sherlock Holmes: I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with body bags. Impossible. The angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...
Dr. John Watson: You know, for a genius, you can be unbelievably thick.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: I don't care HOW you did it. I want to know WHY.


"Sherlock: The Sign of Three (#3.2)" (2014)
Sherlock Holmes: [Sherlock and John are sitting on a bench opposite Royal Guards on duty] You think they give 'em classes?
Dr. John Watson: Classes?
Sherlock Holmes: How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds.
Dr. John Watson: Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system. Bum-itch.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh.

[Sherlock commences the Best Man's speech at John's wedding]
Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, and... um... others.
[He stammers uncertainly]
Sherlock Holmes: ... Also...
Dr. John Watson: Telegrams...
Sherlock Holmes: Right. Um... First things first: Telegrams. Although they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently...
[reading]
Sherlock Holmes: "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson: So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."
Dr. John Watson: Ah, Mike...
Sherlock Holmes: "To John and Mary: All good wishes for your special day with love and many big..."
[chokes the cloying words out]
Sherlock Holmes: "... big squishy cuddles. From Stella and Ted."
[next telegram]
Sherlock Holmes: "Mary: Lots of love..."
Dr. John Watson: Yeah?
Sherlock Holmes: [with precise diction] "... poppet."
[John and Mary giggle]
Sherlock Holmes: "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes, from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."
[Mary's expression darkens momentarily]
Sherlock Holmes: [shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams] Um, "Special day," "Very special day," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People basically fond.

Dr. John Watson: Sherlock, any chance of a... an end date for this speech? Gotta cut the cake.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, ladies and gentlemen, can't stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once, VATICAN CAMEOS.
Mary Morstan: What did he say? What's that mean?
Dr. John Watson: Battle stations. Someone's gonna die.

Mary Morstan: Solve it and he'll open the door, like he said.
Sherlock Holmes: I couldn't solve it before. How can I solve it now?
Mary Morstan: Because it matters now!
Sherlock Holmes: What are you talking about? What's she talking about? Get control of your wife.
Dr. John Watson: She's right.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, YOU'VE changed.
Dr. John Watson: No, she is. Shut up. You are not a puzzle-solver, you never have been. You're a drama queen. Now, there is a man in there about to die, "the game is on," SOLVE IT!

Major Reed: Zhat what this is all about, distracting me so that this man could get in here and kill Bainbridge?
Sherlock Holmes: And then kill him with what? Where's the weapon?
Major Reed: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Go on, search me - no weapon.
Dr. John Watson: Bainbridge was on parade. He came off duty five minutes ago. When's this supposed to have happened?
Major Reed: You obviously stabbed him before he got into the shower.
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Major Reed: No?
Sherlock Holmes: He's soaking wet and there's shampoo in his hair. He got into the shower and THEN someone stabbed him.
Sherlock Holmes: But the cubicle was locked from the inside, sir. I had to break it open.
Major Reed: Must have climbed over the top.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, then I'd be soaking wet, too, wouldn't I?

Sherlock Holmes: I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?
Dr. John Watson: No, I don't have an international reputation.
Sherlock Holmes: No. And I can't even remember what for. It's... crime. Something like that.

Dr. John Watson: Am I a woman?
[Sherlock laughs]
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Am I... pretty? This.
Sherlock Holmes: Uh, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know who you are. I don't know who you're supposed to be.
Dr. John Watson: You picked the name!
Sherlock Holmes: I... I picked it at random from the papers.
Dr. John Watson: You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock?

Dr. John Watson: [Sherlock and Watson are sitting side by side on a park bench, staring straight ahead] The thing about Mary is she has completely turned my life around. Changed everything. But, for the record, over the last few years there are two people who have done that, and the other one is...
[turns to Sherlock who is no longer there]
Dr. John Watson: ... a complete dick-head.

Dr. John Watson: Well, glad to see you've pulled, Sherlock, what with murderers running riot at my wedding.

Sherlock Holmes: [Sherlock and John are both severely drunk] Don't compromise the integrity of the...
[Sherlock vomits on the carpet]
Dr. John Watson: ...crime scene.
[John puts his hand up for a high five]
Sherlock Holmes: [Sherlock lifts his head up and sways a bit] Yup, that.
[Sherlock wipes some vomit from around his mouth]

Dr. John Watson: [painfully hungover] Can you whisper?
DI Lestrade: [amused, shouting right into Watson's face] NOT REALLY!

Sherlock Holmes: Why, WHY would he date all of those women and not return their calls.
Dr. John Watson: You're missing the obvious, mate.
Sherlock Holmes: Am I?
Dr. John Watson: He's a man.

Dr. John Watson: Telegrams...
Sherlock Holmes: Right. Um... Mm, first things first: Telegrams. Although they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently.
[reading]
Sherlock Holmes: "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson: So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."
Dr. John Watson: Ah, Mike...
Mary Morstan: Aw.
Sherlock Holmes: "To John and Mary: All good wishes for your special day with love and many big..."
[chokes the cloying words out]
Sherlock Holmes: "... big squishy cuddles from Stella and Ted."
[next telegram]
Sherlock Holmes: "Mary: Lots of love..."
Dr. John Watson: Yeah?
Sherlock Holmes: [with precise diction] "... poppet."
[John and Mary giggle]
Sherlock Holmes: "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes, from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."
[Mary's expression darkens momentarily]
Dr. John Watson: Hey, hm?
Mary Morstan: Yep.
Sherlock Holmes: [shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams] Um, "Special day," "Very special day," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People are basically fond.

Dr. John Watson: For my wedding. For me. I need a best man.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, right.
Dr. John Watson: Maybe not a garroter.


"Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall (#2.3)" (2012)
Dr. John Watson: Don't do that.
Sherlock Holmes: Do what?
Dr. John Watson: The look.
Sherlock Holmes: Look?
Dr. John Watson: You're doing the look again.
Sherlock Holmes: Now, I can't see it, can I?
[John indicates the mirror, Sherlock looks]
Sherlock Holmes: It's my face.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, and it's doing a thing. You're doing a we-both-know-what's-really-going-on-here face.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, we do.
Dr. John Watson: No, I don't, which is why I find the face so annoying.

Sherlock Holmes: [talking to John on the phone while on the roof of Barts] I'm a fake.
Dr. John Watson: Sherlock...
Sherlock Holmes: The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson and Molly, in fact tell anyone who will listen to you... that I created Moriarty for my own purposes.
Dr. John Watson: Ok, shut up Sherlock. Shut up. The first time we met - the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right?
Sherlock Holmes: Nobody could be that clever.
Dr. John Watson: You could.

[last lines]
Dr. John Watson: You... you told me once that you weren't a hero. Umm, there were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this: you were the best man, an' the most human... human being that I've ever known, and no-one will ever convince me that you told me a lie. That's so. There. I was so alone, and I owe you so much, but, please, there's just one more thing, one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me. Don't... be... dead. Would you, just for me, just stop it? Stop this.

Sherlock Holmes: [handcuffed to John and running] Take my hand!
Dr. John Watson: Now people will definitely talk.

Dr. John Watson: [to Mycroft Holmes] So it's one big lie - Sherlock's a fraud - but people will swallow it because the rest of it's true. Moriarty wanted Sherlock destroyed - right? - and you have given him the perfect ammunition.

Sherlock Holmes: This phone call, it's, um... it's my note. S'what people do, don't they? Leave a note.
Dr. John Watson: Leave a note when?
Sherlock Holmes: Good-bye, John.

Sherlock Holmes: [In their apartment, reading the latest tabloids] "Boffin"! "Boffin Sherlock Holmes"!
Dr. John Watson: Everybody gets one.
Sherlock Holmes: One what?
Dr. John Watson: Tabloid nickname. "Subo." "Nasty Nick." Shouldn't worry. I'll probably get one soon.
Sherlock Holmes: Page five, column six, first sentence. Why is it always the *hat* photograph?
Dr. John Watson: "*Bachelor* John Watson"?
Sherlock Holmes: What kind of hat is it anyway?
Dr. John Watson: "Bachelor"? What the hell are they implying?
Sherlock Holmes: Is it a cap? Why has it got two fronts?
Dr. John Watson: It's a deerstalker. "Frequently seen in the company of *bachelor* John Watson."
Sherlock Holmes: How do you stalk a deer with a hat? What are you going to do, throw it?
Dr. John Watson: "*Confirmed* bachelor, John Watson."
Sherlock Holmes: Some sort of death frisbee?
Dr. John Watson: Okay, this is too much. We need got to be more careful.
Sherlock Holmes: It's got flaps. *Ear* flaps! It's an *ear* hat, John!
[Throws the hat to John]
Sherlock Holmes: What do you mean, "more careful"?
Dr. John Watson: I mean, this isn't a deerstalker now, it's a Sherlock Holmes hat. I mean, that you're not exactly a *private* detective any more! You're this far from famous!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, it'll pass.

[as Sherlock and John are handcuffed together]
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm. Bit awkward, this.
Dr. John Watson: There's no one to bail us.
Sherlock Holmes: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.
Police Dispatcher: All units to 2-7.
Dr. John Watson: [to Sherlock] What?
[Sherlock triggers a police radio, causing feedback in all the uniformed officers' microphones. As the nearest one yanks his earpiece out, Sherlock grabs his gun and backs away from everyone]
Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and gentlemen, will you all please get onto your knees?
[No one moves; he fires twice into the air]
Sherlock Holmes: *Now* would be good!
DI Lestrade: Do as he says!
Dr. John Watson: This's just so you're aware, the gun is his idea. I-I'm just, uh, you know...
Sherlock Holmes: [pointing the gun at John] My hostage!
Dr. John Watson: "Hostage," yes, that works. That works. So what now?
Sherlock Holmes: Doing what Moriarty wants; becoming a fugitive. Run.

[after Sherlock is arrested]
Chief Superintendant: That's our man?
Sgt Sally Donovan: Uh... yes, sir.
Chief Superintendant: Looked a bit of a weirdo, if you ask me. Often are, these vigilante types.
[notices John staring at him]
Chief Superintendant: What you lookin' at?
[Cut to later; the Chief Superintendent walks out onto Baker Street with a handkerchief to his bloody nose]
Cop: You all right, sir?
[John is slammed against a police car next to Sherlock and handcuffed to him]
Sherlock Holmes: Joining me?
Dr. John Watson: Yeah. Apparently it's against the law to chin the Chief Superintendent.

[Sherlock has been called in as an expert witness at Moriarty's trial]
Dr. John Watson: Remember...
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Remember...
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Remember what they told you. Don't try to be clever.
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Dr. John Watson: And please, just keep it simple and brief.
Sherlock Holmes: [sarcastic] God forbid the star witness at the trial should come across as intelligent.
Dr. John Watson: Intelligent, fine. Let's give smart-arse a wide berth.
Sherlock Holmes: [pause] I'll just be myself.
Dr. John Watson: Are you LISTENING to me?

Sherlock Holmes: This is my cab. You get the next one.
Dr. John Watson: Why?
Sherlock Holmes: You might talk.

Dr. John Watson: No, I know you're for real.
Sherlock Holmes: 100%?
Dr. John Watson: Nobody can fake being such an annoying dick all the time.


"Sherlock: The Great Game (#1.3)" (2010)
Dr. John Watson: I'm glad no one saw that.
Sherlock Holmes: Hm?
Dr. John Watson: You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.
Sherlock Holmes: People do little else.
[smiles]

Dr. John Watson: There are lives at stake... Sherlock. Actual human li... Jus-just so I know, you care about them at all?
Sherlock Holmes: Will caring about them help save them?
Dr. John Watson: Nope.
Sherlock Holmes: Then I'll continue to not make that mistake.
Dr. John Watson: And you find that easy, do you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. Very. Is that news to you?
Dr. John Watson: No. No.
Sherlock Holmes: I've disappointed you.
Dr. John Watson: It's good... it's good deduction. Yeah.
Sherlock Holmes: Don't make people into heroes John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did I wouldn't be one of them.

Dr. John Watson: Uh, anytime you want to explain...
Sherlock Holmes: Homeless network. Really is indispensable.
Dr. John Watson: Homeless network.
Sherlock Holmes: My eyes and ears all over the city.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, that's... clever. S-so, you scratch their backs and...
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, and then disinfect myself.

Dr. John Watson: I'm starving. Do we have anything in?
[Opens refrigerator, sees a human head inside]
Dr. John Watson: Oh...!
[closes door immediately, pauses, opens it again, stares for a bit, closes door]
Dr. John Watson: There's a head... A severed head.
Sherlock Holmes: [From other room] Just tea for me, thanks.
Dr. John Watson: There's a head in the fridge.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: A bloody head!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, where else was I supposed to put it? You don't mind, do you?

Sherlock Holmes: How's Sarah, John? How was the lie-low?
Mycroft: Sofa, Sherlock. It was the sofa.
Sherlock Holmes: [glancing back at John] Oh, yes, of course.
Dr. John Watson: How...? Nevermind.

Sherlock Holmes: [after explaining a series of complicated deductions] The picture's a fake.
Dr. John Watson: [impressed] Fantastic.
Sherlock Holmes: Meretricious.
DI Lestrade: And a happy new year.

Sherlock Holmes: See you've written up the taxi driver case. A Study in Pink. Nice.
Dr. John Watson: Well, you know, pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it?
Sherlock Holmes: Um. No.
Dr. John Watson: Why not? I thought you'd be flattered?
Sherlock Holmes: Flattered? "Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in seconds, what's incredible though is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things".
Dr. John Watson: Now hang on a minute, I didn't mean...
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you mean spectacularly ignorant in a nice way. Look, it doesn't matter to me who's prime minister, or who's sleeping with who...
Dr. John Watson: [quietly] Or whether the Earth goes round the Sun.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh God that again. It's not important.
Dr. John Watson: Not important? It's primary school stuff. How can you not know that?

Dr. John Watson: [John arrives home to find Sherlock shooting at a smiley on the wall] What the HELL are you doing?
Sherlock Holmes: [mumbles] Bored.
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Bored!
Dr. John Watson: [seeing Sherlock raise the gun again] No...
Sherlock Holmes: Bored! Bored! I don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them.
Dr. John Watson: So you take it out on the wall?
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, the wall had it coming.

Dr. John Watson: You know, I'm still waiting.
Sherlock Holmes: Hm?
Dr. John Watson: For you to admit that a little knowledge of the solar system and you'd've cleared up the fake painting a lot quicker.
Sherlock Holmes: Didn't do you any good, did it?
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, but I'm not the world's only consulting detective.
Sherlock Holmes: True.

Dr. John Watson: So why is he doing this, then, playing this game with you? Do you think he wants to be caught?
Sherlock Holmes: I think he wants to be distracted.
Dr. John Watson: [chuckles] I hope you'll be very happy together.

DI Lestrade: But what has this got to do with that painting. I don't see...
Sherlock Holmes: You SEE, you just don't OBSERVE!
Dr. John Watson: All right, all right. Girls, calm down.

Crying Woman: [sobbing over the phone] I've... sent you... a little puzzle... just to say hi.
Sherlock Holmes: Who's talking? Why are you crying?
Crying Woman: I-I'm not crying. I'm typing, and... this... stupid... bitch... is reading it out.
Sherlock Holmes: [to himself] The curtain rises.
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Nothing.
Dr. John Watson: No, what did you mean?
Sherlock Holmes: I've been expecting this for some time.
Crying Woman: Twelve... hours... to solve... my puzzle... Sherlock, or... I'm... going... to be... so... naughty.


The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes (1970)
[Holmes is about to inject cocaine]
Watson: Where's your self-control?
Holmes: Fair question.
Watson: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Holmes: Thoroughly. This will take care of it.

Watson: Holmes, let me ask you a question. I hope I'm not being presumptuous, but... there 'have' been women in your life, haven't there?
Holmes: The answer is yes...
Watson: [Watson breathes a sigh of relief]
Holmes: ...You're being presumptuous. Good night.

[about Madame Petrova]
Watson: They say twelve men have died for her.
Holmes: Really?
Watson: Six commited suicide, four were killed in duels and one fell out of the gallery of the Vienna Opera House.
Holmes: That's only eleven.
Watson: The man who fell from the gallery landed on top of another man in the orchestra.
Holmes: That makes an even dozen... in a messy sort of way.

Watson: [the doorbell rings] Were you expecting someone?
Holmes: Not at this time of night.
Watson: Perhaps Mrs Hudson is entertaining.
Holmes: I've never found her so.

Holmes: [Discussing Watson's portrayal of Holmes in 'Strand' Magazine] I don't dislike women, I merely distrust them. The twinkle in the eye and the arsenic in the soup...
Watson: You see it's touches like that which make you colourful.
Holmes: Lurid, more like!

Watson: Wouldn't it be ironic if Holmes' last case were a case of pneumonia?

Holmes: You've painted me as a hopeless dope addict just because I occasionally take a five-percent solution of cocaine.
Watson: A *seven-percent* solution...
Holmes: Five percent. Don't you think I'm aware you've been diluting it behind my back?
Watson: As a doctor, as well as your friend, I strongly disapprove of this insidious habit of yours.
Holmes: My dear friend, as well as my dear doctor, I only resort to narcotics when I'm suffering from acute boredom, when there are no interesting cases to engage my mind.

Holmes: Look at this: an urgent appeal to find some missing midgets.
Watson: Did you say "midgets"?
Holmes: Six of them, the Tumbling Piccolos, an acrobatic act of some circus.
Watson: [Reading the letter] Disappeared between London and Bristol. Well don't you find that intriguing?
Holmes: Extremely so. You see, they're not only midgets, but also anarchists.
Watson: Anarchists?
Holmes: By now, they have been smuggled to Vienna, dressed as little girls in organdy pinafores. They are to greet the czar of all the Russias when he arrives at the railway station. They will be carrying bouquets of flowers, and concealed in each bouquet will be a bomb with a lit fuse.
Watson: [Breathlessly] You really think so?
Holmes: Not at all. The circus owner offers me five pounds for my services. That's not even a pound a midget. So obviously, he's a stingy blighter and the little chaps simply ran off to join another circus.
Watson: [Crestfallen] It sounded so promising.

Watson: You call yourself logical? You're the least logical man I know.
Holmes: Am I?
Watson: How can you say it's a figment of my imagination when for years you've been saying I have no imagination whatsoever?


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Musgrave Ritual (#1.3)" (1986)
Sherlock Holmes: The measurements obviously refer to some exact spot to which the rest of the document alludes. We are given two guides.
Dr. Watson: Yes, an elm and an oak.
Sherlock Holmes: [pointing to a spot outside the window] And, gentlemen, there is a patriarch among oaks.

[first lines]
Dr. Watson: Splendid air!
[Holmes coughs horribly]
Dr. Watson: Rough shooting.
[Holmes groans]
Dr. Watson: Perhaps a little fishing.
[Holmes groans again]
Dr. Watson: And the best cook in the County of Sussex, wouldn't you say?

Dr. Watson: If you feel so uncharitable, why'd you accept his invitation?
Sherlock Holmes: To escape my lethargy. And your constant bullying to tidy our room in Baker Street.
Dr. Watson: Huh. Hardly constant.

Dr. John Watson: [Holmes has brought along a trunk full of his earliest cases] I wish I had notes of these cases.
[Holmes promptly uses the trunk as a footrest]

Dr. John Watson: Surely the house interests you!
Sherlock Holmes: The house is freezing, Watson!
Dr. John Watson: It's history.

Dr. Watson: What is it?
Sherlock Holmes: Nothing less than a fragment of the ancient crown of the kings of England.

Sherlock Holmes: Now we must find where the shadow of the elm would have fallen when the sun is just clear of *that*.
Dr. Watson: Well, that will be difficult, Holmes, since the elm's no longer there.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh now, come, Watson. If Brunton can do it, then so can we. The answer lies in trigonometry!

[last lines]
Dr. Watson: Was it chance the wood slipped? Was she only guilty of silence? She had a passionate Celtic soul; the man had wronged her; she had him in her power. Might it not have been vengeance that sent the stone crashing? Her hand that dashed it away. And what has become of her?
Sherlock Holmes: Very probably she's far away from Hurlstone now and carries her secret with her.


The Hound of the Baskervilles (1988) (TV)
[Stapleton and Dr. Watson are talking about the beauties and dangers of the great Grimpen Mire when an distant, unearthly howling is heard]
Stapleton: The moor is full of noises.
Dr. John Watson: But what was it?
Stapleton: The peasants say it is the Hound of the Baskervilles calling for its prey.

[first lines]
Dr. John Watson: Finished.
[stretching]
Dr. John Watson: Aah!
[picks up and studies walking stick]
Sherlock Holmes: [with his back to Watson] What do you make of it, Watson?
Dr. John Watson: What? Huh,I believe you've got eyes in the back of your head, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I have a well-polished coffee pot in front of me.

Dr. John Watson: I would to God that Holmes were here. Why does he not come?

Dr. John Watson: I'm afraid my duty to Holmes overrode my tact.

Dr. Mortimer: If it's one animal on this planet which I cannot abide it is a rabbit.
Dr. John Watson: Really?
Dr. Mortimer: Rabbits burrow.

Sherlock Holmes: When I see a cigarette stub marked Bradley, Oxford Street, I know my friend Watson is in the neighborhood. Be careful of that gun.
Dr. John Watson: I thought you were in Baker Street working on that case of blackmail.
Sherlock Holmes: That is what I wished you to think.

Dr. John Watson: [looking at the stew Holmes has made] It's quite disgusting, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. Yes, it is. Well, it's better when it's hot.

[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: I have tickets for 'Les Huguenots' at Covent Garden. A little dinner at Marcini's on the way.
Dr. John Watson: Wonderful, Holmes.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Final Problem (#2.6)" (1985)
Dr. John Watson: [Holmes signals Watson to let him in through a window to their quarters at 221B Baker Street, gestures for silence, then quickly makes his way to a corner near the front windows] What is it?
Sherlock Holmes: Airguns. A rather special airgun, in fact. Watson, would you have any objection to drawing the blinds, casually, as if you were alone in this room?

Sherlock Holmes: Now I am ready to close on him.
Dr. John Watson: If he doesn't close upon you first.

Dr. John Watson: Won't you stay the night?
Sherlock Holmes: No, it's too dangerous for you if I stay here.

Dr. John Watson: Would you be rid of me?
Sherlock Holmes: No, except for the reasons I've given.

Dr. John Watson: I'm not leaving you, Holmes.

[first lines]
Dr. Watson: [voiceover] When I returned to Baker Street from a short holiday in the spring of 1891, I had seen little of Holmes for some time. I saw in the papers that he had been engaged by the French Government upon a matter of supreme importance, but I could hardly foresee that it would have so violent a consequence. It lies with me now to tell for the first time what took place between Mr. Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty in that fateful year.

[last lines]
Dr. Watson: It's with a heavy heart that I take up my pen to write these the last words in which I shall ever record the singular gifts by which my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes was distinguished. I shall ever regard him as the best and the wisest man I have ever known.

Dr. John Watson: You didn't write this? There is no sick Englishwoman at the hotel?
Herr Steiler: No, but it has the hotel mark. Of course! There was a tall old Englishman who came here after you had gone. He said...
[Watson realizes it was a trap and runs back, horrified]


Sherlock Holmes and the Leading Lady (1991) (TV)
Mycroft Holmes: How soon can you depart?
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, why are you not packing our bags?
Dr. Watson: Ah, yes!

Dr. Watson: I can't speak for you, sir, but I have no unconscious mind.
Dr. Sigmund Freud: On the contrary, I might suggest you are entirely unconscious.
Sherlock Holmes: Touché.

Dr. Watson: I can't smell a thing since I fell into that canal.

Dr. Watson: But he did burgle your room.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm afraid not. The hairs don't match, it was someone else altogether.

Sherlock Holmes: And now, thanks to your ineptitude, Mr. Ness, the one remaining link to the prototype lies dead, and we stand here without the faintest idea of the identity of the intended victim.
Elliott Ness: I'm sorry, it's my first case.
Dr. Watson: What a surprise.

Sherlock Holmes: Well I hope the Emperor Franz Joseph's desire for peace rub off on his ally, the Kaizer.
Mycroft Holmes: My own calculations suggest that a war of world wide proportions would have begun, had you not succeeded.
Dr. Watson: Absurd! Needless alarmism.
Mycroft Holmes: Doctor, I hope you're right. Good day.

Dr. Watson: Holmes, you are not seriously thinking of marrying that Adler woman, are you?
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, as you well know, I am not the marrying kind. Yet... a son...


Dressed to Kill (1946)
Watson: Look, Holmes, it's morning.
Holmes: Allow me to congratulate you on that brilliant piece of deduction.

Watson: Would you like to hear uncle make a noise like a duck?

Watson: Irene Adler! What a striking-looking woman from the brief glance I had of her! Seemsa only yesterday! What charm! Hmmmm. What poise! And what a mind! Sharp enough and brilliant enough to outwit the great Sherlock Holmes himself!
Holmes: I take it that the new issue of the Strand Magazine is out containing another of your slightly lurid tales.
Watson: It is indeed!
Holmes: And what do you call this one?
Watson: I call it "A Scandal in Bohemia." Not a bad title, huh?
Holmes: Hmmmm. If you must record my exploits, I do hope you've given "The Woman" a soul. She had one, you know!
Watson: By "The Woman" I suppose you mean Irene Adler?
Holmes: Yes, I shall always remember her as "THE Woman."

Commissioner of Scotland Yard: Before going further, Dr. Watson, I must inform you that this matter is not to be mentioned outside this room.
Watson: [Indignantly] Of course not! Do I look like a man of gossip?
Holmes: Let's not go into that now, old fellow, shall we?

'Stinky' Emery: [remarking on one of his music boxes] Charming, isn't it?
Holmes: Quite!
Watson: [bored] They all sound to me like a lot of mice running about a tin roof.

Watson: [remarking on the stolen music box] But that box is only worth two pounds!
Holmes: It's worth a man's life, Watson!

Watson: Holmes! You all right?
Holmes: Perfectly! Thank you, old fellow, but I think this gentleman on the floor requires some medical attention. We must see he looks his best, you know, when he's hanged.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: A Scandal in Bohemia (#1.1)" (1984)
Sherlock Holmes: She is a lovely woman, Watson, with a face that a man might die for.
Dr. John Watson: "A face a man might die for?" Unusual language for you, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: A metaphor, Watson, nothing else.

Sherlock Holmes: My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems; give me work. Give me the most abstruse cryptogram, the most intricate analysis, and I'm in my proper atmosphere. Then I can dispense with artificial stimulants. But I abhor the dull routine of existence. I crave mental exultation. That is why I have chosen my own profession, or rather, created it, for I am the only one in the world.
Dr. John Watson: The only unofficial detective?
Sherlock Holmes: The only unofficial consulting detective.

Sherlock Holmes: You don't mind breaking the law?
Dr. John Watson: Not in the least.
Sherlock Holmes: Nor running the chance of arrest?
Dr. John Watson: Not in a good cause.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, the cause is excellent.
Dr. John Watson: Well, then I am your man.

Dr. John Watson: The best plans of Mr. Sherlock Holmes were beaten by a woman's wit. He used to sneer much at the cleverness of women but I have not heard him do it of late. And when he speaks of Irene Adler or when he refers to that woman, it is always under the honourable title of *the* woman.

[first lines]
John: [surprising two burglars] Got you!
[Irene enters with a gun, and gestures with it for the burglars to drop their knives]
1st Burglar: Now look here!
[Irene gestures for the burglars to leave]
John: But, ma'am...
[the burglars leave by the window]
Irene Adler: Close the window, John.
Dr. John Watson: [narrating] To Sherlock Holmes, she was always The Woman, the beautiful Irene Adler, of dubious and questionable memory.

[last lines]
Dr. John Watson: [narrating] There is but one woman to him: the beautiful Irene Adler of dubious and questionable memory.

Dr. John Watson: [Watson and a disguised Holmes travel by hansom cab to Irene Adler's home to retrieve a compromising photograph] Well, the question is, where to find the photograph? I mean, the house has twice been burgled.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, she was too clever for them. She is a remarkable woman.
Dr. John Watson: Well, they must have searched very thoroughly.
Sherlock Holmes: *They* did not know how to look.
Dr. John Watson: And how will you look?
Sherlock Holmes: I shall not look.
Dr. John Watson: What, then?
Sherlock Holmes: I will allow her to show me.
Dr. John Watson: [bursts out laughing] But she'll refuse!
Sherlock Holmes: She will not be able to. Ah, we draw near the scene of action. We had better walk from here.
[knocks on the ceiling of the cab]


"The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes: The Dying Detective (#1.2)" (1994)
[last lines]
Adelaide Savage: Georgie says he's going to guard the house.
Doctor Watson: Well, they're fine children, Mrs Savage.
Adelaide Savage: They're little angels.
Marina Savage: We're usually known as little savages. Thank you, Doctor Watson, for letting us keep our home.
[she kisses his cheek]
Doctor Watson: Aah. Thank you, my dear; I'd like to take the credit, but it belongs to Mr Holmes.
Marina Savage: We are very grateful to you, sir.
Sherlock Holmes: My privilege, Miss Savage.

Doctor Watson: There must be a way of stopping him, Holmes, surely.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I doubt it more and more.
Doctor Watson: Suppose *you* were convinced of his guilt. What would you do, then?
Sherlock Holmes: You know my methods; I would gain entry to the house.
Doctor Watson: Then that's what I shall do. You don't have to come.
Sherlock Holmes: Nevertheless, I shall. You've already had your head turned - I must make sure you don't get your *neck* broken as well.

Sherlock Holmes: There is only one man who can help me - the man we have maligned.
Doctor Watson: Culverton Smith? Do you believe *he* would help?
Sherlock Holmes: He must. It is my only chance.
[in delirium]
Sherlock Holmes: Oysters... They do breed, don't they? I cannot think that the whole bed of the ocean is one solid mass of oysters.

Sherlock Holmes: Don't fail me, Watson.
Doctor Watson: Of course not.
Sherlock Holmes: [In delirium] And what of rivers? Are there no natural enemies to limit the increase of these creatures? It's horrible, horrible...

Sherlock Holmes: That's the front door. It's him. Hide!
Doctor Watson: Hide?
Sherlock Holmes: Quick! If you love me!

Doctor Watson: Why, why wouldn't you let me near you when in truth there was no infection?
Sherlock Holmes: Do you imagine that I have no respect for your medical talents? At six feet, I could deceive you. But any closer, with your astute judgement, no no no no no no. No, it was essential that you and Mrs. Hudson believed me to be at death's door; otherwise, Smith would have smelt a rat.
Mrs Hudson: Rats! Beeswax! Mr. Holmes, you are the very worst tenant in London!

Sherlock Holmes: If I'm to have a doctor, at least let me have someone in whom I have confidence.
Doctor Watson: [Gravely] You have none in me.
Sherlock Holmes: Your friendship, yes. But I mean you're only a general practitioner with mediocre qualifications.
Doctor Watson: That remark is unworthy of you, Holmes. It shows me very clearly the state of your nerves.
Sherlock Holmes: That demonstrates your ignorance!
[shouts]
Sherlock Holmes: What do you know about Tapanuli fever! What do you know of the black Formosa corruption!


The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939)
Sherlock Holmes: There are still some gaps to be filled, but all in all, things are becoming a little clearer.
Dr. Watson: Not to me, I assure you; it's all a hopeless jumble. Stapleton, Franklin, the Barrymans - put it all together and what have you got?
Sherlock Holmes: Murder, my dear Watson. Refined, cold-blooded murder.
Dr. Watson: Murder?
Sherlock Holmes: There's no doubt of it in my mind. Or perhaps I should say, my imagination. For that's where crimes are conceived and they're solved - in the imagination.

Dr. Watson: It's a pity you didn't think about bringing that infernal violin of yours - to regale me with some of your music!
Sherlock Holmes: I DID, my dear Watson! Anything to oblige!
[he whips out the violin and begins to play]

Dr. Watson: Then, why are we rushing up to London, leaving Sir Henry entirely alone and unprotected?
Sherlock Holmes: We're not, my dear Watson. We're just giving the impression of rushing up to London.

Sherlock Holmes: The only way to nab our man is to catch him in the act - catch him so that there's no escape, no alibi. And that means gambling with Sir Henry's life.
Dr. Watson: [horrified] But...
Sherlock Holmes: Gambling to save his life. But we've got to take that chance.

Sherlock Holmes: Do you remember that missing boot, Watson? Why do you suppose the brown one, the one that had never been worn, was so mysteriously replaced and the black one taken?
Dr. Watson: Why?
Sherlock Holmes: Because the brown one would never have had the scent of the owner - and the black one had!

Sherlock Holmes: [a portrait that he has just seen fascinates him] You must - you must dine with us before you sail.
Sir Henry Baskerville: Well, there's the old boy himself - Sir Hugo, the Beast of the Baskervilles.
Dr. Watson: Done by Ransome, one of the minor painters.
Sir Henry Baskerville: I don't imagine it's very valuable.
Sherlock Holmes: I can't quite agree with you, Sir Henry.
[ominously]
Sherlock Holmes: One day, it might prove to be of the greatest value.


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Man with the Twisted Lip (#1.5)" (1986)
Dr. John Watson: I was certainly surprised to see you in that place,
Sherlock Holmes: I suppose you think I've added opium smoking to all my other little weaknesses?

Dr. John Watson: It's now well past four in the morning. May I go to sleep?
Sherlock Holmes: Certainly.
Dr. John Watson: Thank you.

Dr. John Watson: [awaking in bed after Holmes has tickled his foot] What time is it?
Sherlock Holmes: Dawn.
Dr. John Watson: Uh... I've only had two hours sleep.
Sherlock Holmes: I wonder if you'd do me the very great kindness of considering the possibility of waking up.
Dr. John Watson: I... I assume you have a good reason.
Sherlock Holmes: Are you game for a drive?
Dr. John Watson: Certainly, but does it have to be this early?
Sherlock Holmes: I have a little theory I wish to test.
Dr. John Watson: Is anyone's life at stake?
Sherlock Holmes: Certainly not!
Dr. John Watson: Would it be possible to test your theory a little later this morning?
Sherlock Holmes: [leaving to go downstairs] I'll see you downstairs in five minutes.
Dr. John Watson: Five minutes.
[sighs and lies back]

Dr. John Watson: Mr Holmes has disappeared without trace, as you can see.
Mrs. Whitney: In that case, I really shouldn't bother you with my problems.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, Mr Holmes disappears without trace at regular intervals. There's really no cause for alarm, only curiosity.

Mrs Hudson: And what should I tell Mr. Holmes, should he return?
Dr. John Watson: Tell him I have disappeared without trace.

Dr. John Watson: May I ask why I'm going to Lee in Kent, in the middle of the night on a Friday in March?
Sherlock Holmes: Because you are my trusted comrade and my loyal chronicler. I may need both.


Terror by Night (1946)
[Sherlock watches from the train corridor as Prof. Kilbane throws Dr. Watson from his compartment]
Sherlock Holmes: Did you discover anything, Watson?
Dr. John H. Watson: Yes. He's a very suspicious character. He tried to put me off the scent.
Sherlock Holmes: From the little I heard, he seemed reasonably successful.

Lady Margaret Carstairs: [presenting her diamond] My husband gave it to me on our fifth wedding anniversary.
Sherlock Holmes: 423 carats, isn't it?
Lady Margaret Carstairs: The original diamond was over 700 carats.
Sherlock Holmes: Really?
Lady Margaret Carstairs: [to her son] Your father had it cut. Less ostentatious.
Dr. John H. Watson: Less ostentatious? It's as big as a duck's egg.

Dr. John H. Watson: Try some of this curry. It's excellent.
Sherlock Holmes: [ignoring him and speaking to the waiter] Steak and kidney pudding, please.
Major Duncan-Bleek: Of course, the Bengal curry doesn't compare with that of Madras. It's the quality of the mutton that makes the difference, don't you think?
Dr. John H. Watson: The, uh... the meat's unimportant. It's the spices that make the difference. Don't you agree with me Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: [he hasn't been paying attention to the discussion] What?
Dr. John H. Watson: I say, we-we-we were discussing curry.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yes, curry! Horrible stuff!
Dr. John H. Watson: Oh, really? One man's meat is another man's poison.

Dr. John H. Watson: My name's Watson - Dr. Watson.
Prof. William Kilbane: Oh? To what am I indebted for this intrusion?

[At Sherlock's suggestion, Watson interrogates a suspect on his own, but the suspect is suspicious of Watson's official standing and turns the inquiry around]
Prof. William Kilbane: Are you a policeman?
Dr. John H. Watson: No.
Prof. William Kilbane: Then, by what right, do you force your way into my compartment?
Dr. John H. Watson: Well, I...
Prof. William Kilbane: What are YOU doing on this train? Where are YOU going?
Dr. John H. Watson: I'm not going anywhere.

Sherlock Holmes: The Inspector's going to Scotland to fish for salmon!
Dr. John H. Watson: [to Lestrade] Oh really? The season doesn't start for another month, but you wouldn't know that, would you?
Inspector Lestrade: 'Oo says I'm gonna fish fer salmon?
Dr. John H. Watson: 'Oo? 'Im!


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Dancing Men (#1.2)" (1984)
Dr. John Watson: How absurdly simple...
Sherlock Holmes: Quite so. Every problem is absurdly simple when it is explained to you.

Sherlock Holmes: His family has owned land in Derbyshire for over five hundred years, so I presume that Mr. Cubitt is as respectable as he is worthy.
Dr Watson: [while looking out the window at Mr. Cubitt] With a fresh face, an open countenance, and wearing a brown bowler hat.
Sherlock Holmes: [not realizing Watson was looking out the window] Oh no, you can't possibly know that!
Dr Watson: [smirking] Really, Holmes?

Dr. John Watson: Do you think he'll be armed?
Sherlock Holmes: He's a fool if he's not.

Dr. John Watson: Sherlock Holmes is cheerful, so Sherlock Holmes must have a case.

[last lines]
Dr Watson: [narration] And so the dancing men, which had so often been the agents of evil, were finally used on the side of justice. Abe Slaney was condemned to death at the Darby assizes, but his sentence was changed to penal servitude in consideration of mitigating circumstances in the certainty that Hilton Cubitt had fired the first shot. Mrs Cubitt made a complete recovery and lives still at Ridling Thorpe Manor.


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Six Napoleons (#1.7)" (1986)
[Holmes, Watson, and Lestrade are on a stakeout]
[Watson sneezes]
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, if you've caught a cold, it's your fault. You left the rugs behind.
Dr. Watson: Sorry, Holmes.

Dr. Watson: Have a humbug, Lestrade.
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, this is no time for humbugs!

Sherlock Holmes: And now, Watson, I commend to you the universal answer to almost all problems.
Dr. Watson: What's that, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Sleep.

Sherlock Holmes: I dare call nothing trivial, Lestrade. Some of my most classic cases have had the least promising commencement.
Dr. Watson: Yeah. That dreadful business of the Abernetty family.
Sherlock Holmes: Yah! Woo.
Inspector Lestrade: I'd hardly call the dismemberment of an entire family trivial.
[Watson laughs]
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, Watson, would you be so kind as to explain?
Dr. Watson: What? Oh, uh, the point is that, um, it only came to Holmes's notice because of the depth to which the parsley had sunk into the butter on a hot day.

[Lestrade visits Holmes and Watson in their rooms at 221B Baker Street]
Dr. Watson: Anything remarkable on hand, Lestrade?
Inspector Lestrade: No, nothing in particular.
Sherlock Holmes: [after a long pause, lowers the newspaper he's reading and smiles at Lestrade] Then tell us about it.


Incident at Victoria Falls (1992) (TV)
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, I think you should perform a post-mortem on this woman.
Dr. John Watson: Good God, Holmes, she was ripped apart by crocodiles!

Dr. John Watson: Which means?
Sherlock Holmes: Son of pig.
Dr. John Watson: Really? I wouldn't expect a lady of any cast to say such a thing.

Dr. John Watson: Are you absolutely sure it will be tonight, Holmes? It's almost tomorrow.
Sherlock Holmes: I have been wrong on three occasions, Watson, who can tell, this might be the fourth.

Inspector Lestrade: It appears that senor Marconi and his wife are on holiday, on their way to America.
Dr. John Watson: On that brand new vessel, the Titanic, I should imagine.
Inspector Lestrade: No, no, the maiden voyage was delayed, so they had to change to another vessel.
Dr. John Watson: Rotten luck.

Dr. John Watson: Well I never. So you had the real stone all the time, and the tieves had the fake one. Could that be true?
Sherlock Holmes: When you write the story, Watson, you decide.


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Illustrious Client (#1.5)" (1991)
[last lines]
Dr. Watson: Holmes! Holmes! I have discovered the identity of our client. It's none other than...
Sherlock Holmes: A loyal friend and a chivalrous gentleman. Let that now and forever be enough for us.

Sherlock Holmes: It's all right, Watson. Don't look so scared.
Dr. Watson: You mustn't talk.
Sherlock Holmes: Nonsense. Need to.
Dr. Watson: What can I do, Holmes? Of course it was that *damned* Austrian. Give me the word, and I'll go and thrash the hide off him.
Sherlock Holmes: Good old Watson. No no no no.

Dr. Watson: Anything more?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes... Put my pipe on the table, and the tobacco-slipper.
Dr. Watson: You must rest, not smoke.
Sherlock Holmes: Very well... Doctor.

Sherlock Holmes: Sir James got it for me - it comes from the collection of his client.
Dr. Watson: Well, I could say that it... it should be valued by an expert.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, Watson, you scintillate today. I suggest Sotheby or Christie.

[Watson is trying to identity their mysterious client with the assistance of "Who's Who 1902"]
Sherlock Holmes: You're wasting your time, Watson.
Dr. Watson: Well, the career of General Merville might well give us a pointer as to our client; he's clearly illustrious.
Sherlock Holmes: But did you not hear Sir James?
Dr. Watson: His request was to you, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, that is shameful, Watson, shameful!


Sherlock Holmes Faces Death (1943)
Sherlock Holmes: There's a new spirit abroad in the land. The old days of grab and greed are on their way out. We're beginning to think of what we *owe* the other fellow, not just what we're compelled to give him. The time is coming, Watson, when we cannot fill our bellies in comfort while the other fellow goes hungry, or sleep in warm beds while others shiver in the cold. And we shan't be able to kneel and thank God for blessings before our shining altars while men anywhere are kneeling in either physical or spiritual subjection.
Dr. John H. Watson: You may be right, Holmes... I hope you are.
Sherlock Holmes: And, God willing, we'll live to see that day, Watson.

Dr. John H. Watson: Hurlston? Grim old pile. Very spooky.
Sherlock Holmes: Don't tell me that you met a ghost?
Dr. John H. Watson: No, not so spooky as that. Ghosts don't stab people in the neck, do they? Or do they?
Sherlock Holmes: Not well-bred ghosts, Watson.

[Lestrade brings a suspect's shoe to compare to recovered footprints. They match]
Insp. Lestrade: And that's Alfred Brunton's shoe.
Sherlock Holmes: Fits perfectly, Inspector. But the fact that these prints were made by Brunton's shoes does not prove that Brunton's feet were in them.
Insp. Lestrade: Why not? Where should Brunton's feet be, if not in his own shoes?
Dr. John H. Watson: Well, they're not in them now, are they?

Dr. John H. Watson: We thought you were taking an awful risk.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, we had to have a confession. And these egomaniacs are always so much more chatty when they feel they have the upper hand.

Dr. John H. Watson: Simple reasoning; a child could do it.
Sherlock Holmes: Not your child, Watson.


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Devil's Foot (#2.1)" (1988)
Sherlock Holmes: [In a depressive stone as he stares at an old grave marker overlooking the sea] Weather-pitted slabs of granite, ancient tombs scattered throughout the length and breadth of this peninsula.
Dr. John Watson: Like the sea, I suppose, death is always with us.
Sherlock Holmes: [Holmes stares intently at Watson before answering] Quite so.

[Holmes is testing out a theory by putting a poison in a lamp, leaving himself and Watson to inhale the fumes]
[the drug induces a nonsensical but disturbing series of images and distorted memories in Holmes's mind; the images stop and he is outside on the ground]
Dr. John Watson: Holmes! Holmes! HOLMES!
[Holmes screams]
Dr. John Watson: Holmes! HOLMES!
[Watson has to shout over Holmes's screaming]
Dr. John Watson: Can you hear me? For God's sake, can you hear me?
Sherlock Holmes: JOHN!
Dr. John Watson: Thank God you're alright! That was a stupid and dangerous thing to do... We could have been killed!
Sherlock Holmes: It was an unjustified experiment even for myself... Doubly so for a friend. I really am extremely sorry.

[last lines]
Dr Watson: Not for the first time, Holmes, you've presumed to take the law into your own hands.
Sherlock Holmes: I have never loved. But if I did, and if the woman I had loved had met with such an end, I might act even as our lawless lion-hunter has done. Wouldn't you?
Dr Watson: Yes, I suppose so. But that's not the point.
Sherlock Holmes: The point is: why should I do the work of the official police? And as you're very fond of telling me... I'm on holiday!

[first lines]
Dr Watson: Almost there.
Sherlock Holmes: What does a Harley Street specialist know about my health?
Dr Watson: Listen, Holmes, Dr Moore Agar insists you have a complete rest if you wish to avoid an absolute breakdown. The sea air will do you the world of good.

Sherlock Holmes: [In obvious pain from his drug withdrawal, he coughs] To work the brain without sufficient material is like racing an engine - it cracks itself to pieces.
[He takes a deep breath]
Sherlock Holmes: Wait for me at the cottage.
Dr Watson: Where are you going?
Sherlock Holmes: Cheer up, Watson. Sea air, sunshine, patience!
[He throws the blanket over his shoulder with characteristic flourish]
Sherlock Holmes: All will be revealed!


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Copper Beeches (#2.1)" (1985)
[first lines]
Dr Watson: Something wrong?
Sherlock Holmes: To the man who loves art for its own sake, it is frequently in its least important and lowliest manifestations that the keenest pleasure is to be derived.

Dr Watson: I wonder what desperate circumstances could occasion such an appeal.
Sherlock Holmes: I have devised seven separate explanations, each of which would cover the facts as far as we know them.
Dr Watson: Oh, and which one do you favour, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: At the moment, I have no favourites. Data, data, data! I cannot make bricks without clay!

Dr. John Watson: We cannot theorize without data, I'm afraid.

[last lines]
Dr Watson: [after reading Holmes his account of the case] There, Holmes. Your verdict.
Sherlock Holmes: An admirable account, Watson.
Dr Watson: Oh, you don't think I've put "too much colour and life" into it?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, my dear friend, I humbly defer such considerations to your excellent literary judgement.
Dr Watson: [after a pause] Good.

Dr. John Watson: What delightful little farms these are, don't you agree? Aren't they fresh and beautiful?
Sherlock Holmes: Do you know, Watson, it is one of the curses of having a mind with a turn like mine that I must look at everything with reference to my own special subject.
Dr. John Watson: Well, it doesn't make the scenery any less admirable, does it?
Sherlock Holmes: You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of their isolation and of the impunity with which crime may be committed there.
Dr. John Watson: Good heavens, who would associate crime with these dear old homesteads?
Sherlock Holmes: They always fill me with a sudden horror. It is my belief Watson, founded upon my experience, that the lowest and vilest alleys in London do not present a more dreadful record of sin than does the smiling and beautiful countryside.


The Pearl of Death (1944)
Dr. John H. Watson: How does the, the thing work?
Sherlock Holmes: Electricity. The high priest of false security.

Dr. John H. Watson: Lestrade couldn't even see the stripes on a zebra.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, look sharp, will you? Go to that door to the alley, and do exactly as I tell you.
Dr. John H. Watson: Huh?
Sherlock Holmes: No, not "huh". Just do it.

Dr. John H. Watson: The Borgia pearl is inside that?
Sherlock Holmes: If it isn't, I shall retire to Sussex and keep bees.

Dr. John H. Watson: [viewing the Borgia Pearl] Can't be real!
Sherlock Holmes: Real as death, old fellow, with the blood of twenty men upon it down through the centuries!


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Empty House (#1.1)" (1986)
Inspector Lestrade: The sort of case that would've interested our old friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, indeed.
Inspector Lestrade: What a loss he is, Doctor. Oh, I didn't always approve of his methods but he was the best amateur there was or ever likely to be. Well, there were times when he even got the better of me.

Sherlock Holmes: It was a few months later that I read with great interest your description of my death. It was excellently done, a most picturesque and exciting piece of fiction.
Dr. John Watson: I'm certainly glad from the bottom of my heart that it was fiction.

Dr. John Watson: I would have thought I was as trustworthy as your brother.
Sherlock Holmes: Of course you are, Watson!
[sighs]
Sherlock Holmes: But you have a kinder heart.

Dr. John Watson: You were quite the heroine of the occasion, Mrs. Hudson.

[first lines]
Dr. John Watson: [voiceover] In 1891 at the Reichenbach Falls near Meiringen in Switzerland, Sherlock Holmes finally closed his account with Professor Moriarty, the most dangerous criminal of his generation. The two men were alone in that dreadful place, but the outcome of their struggle was obvious to a trained observer. Holmes had achieved the destruction of his arch-enemy only at the cost of his own life.


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Master Blackmailer (#2.1)" (1992)
Doctor Watson: [reading] "Man who prays upon weakness with a smiling face and a heart of marble."
Sherlock Holmes: A master blackmailer.

Doctor Watson: Don't you think that the Honorable Miss Miles might be more worth a visit since Dorking wrote to you?
Sherlock Holmes: That is past, Watson. What we must do now is foist ourselves onto his next victim.

Doctor Watson: [about Milverton] I exchanged a word with him. A more calculatingly insincere smile I never hope to see.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, you'll be interested to hear that I'm engaged to be married.
Doctor Watson: [absorbed in his newspaper] Hm, yeah? Jolly good.
Sherlock Holmes: To the Milvertons' housemaid.
Doctor Watson: Good heavens.

Doctor Watson: Surely, it would be better for you to take the substantial sum we offer than to ruin this young woman's career, which can profit you in no way.
Charles Augustus Milverton: There, you're mistaken. An exposure would profit me indirectly to a considerable degree. I have eight or ten similar cases maturing. Ah, if it is circulated that I have made a severe example of Lady Eva, I shall find the rest much more open to reason. Do you see my point?


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Red Headed League (#2.5)" (1985)
Dr. John Watson: What are you going to do?
Sherlock Holmes: To smoke. It is quite a three-pipe problem, and I beg that you won't speak to me for fifty minutes.

[first lines]
Sherlock Holmes: Hm!
Dr. John Watson: [entering] Oh. Sorry, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: No no. You couldn't have come at a better time.
Dr. John Watson: Well, I was, I was afraid you were engaged.
Sherlock Holmes: I am. Very much so.

Sherlock Holmes: Now I begin to think my reputation, such as it is, will suffer shipwreck if I am so candid. 'Omne ignotum pro magnifico.'
Dr. John Watson: [to Mr. Wilson] Everything becomes commonplace by explanation.
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, that is a very loose translation!

[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: Sometimes I think my whole life is spent in one long effort to escape from the commonplaces of existence.
Dr. John Watson: No no, you are a benefactor of the race, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, maybe it is of some little use after all. "L'homme c'est rien - l'oeuvre c'est tout," as Gustave Flaubert wrote to Georges Sand. Hm?


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Speckled Band (#1.6)" (1984)
Sherlock Holmes: [while examining Miss Stoner's window, Holmes turns and sees Watson examining the ground] What are you doing, Watson?
Dr. John Watson: Well, I'm using your methods, Holmes; seeing whether the ground has been disturbed.
Sherlock Holmes: And what have you come up with?
Dr. John Watson: Your footprints, I believe,
[Holmes laughs]
Dr. John Watson: and mine and Miss Stoner's. And this.
[points to pawprint of a leopard]

Dr. John Watson: You evidently saw more in those rooms than was visible to me, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: No. But I probably deduced a little more.

[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: Last night when I attacked the snake and drove it back through the ventilator, I roused its snakish temper, causing it to turn upon the next person that it saw.
Dr Watson: Doctor Grimesby Roylott. So you, Holmes, were indirectly responsible for his death.
Sherlock Holmes: I cannot say that it is likely to weigh very heavily on my conscience.

[Holmes and Watson cross the grounds of the Roylott estate at night, heading towards the house when Holmes stops]
Sherlock Holmes: Down!
[Holmes and Watson crouch in the tall grass as an animal crosses their path]
Dr. John Watson: My God, what's that?
Sherlock Holmes: It's the baboon. This is a nice household.


The Sign of Four: Sherlock Holmes' Greatest Case (1932)
Det. Insp. Atherly Jones: I want to know where the pearls are.
Dr. John H. Watson: Yes, where are they?
Mary Morstan: Small's taken them.
Dr. John H. Watson: Then they are at the bottom of the river where we can find them... so now you'll be so terribly rich, I can't even claim you as a friend, much less ask you...
Mary Morstan: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry the jewels are so distasteful to you, Ms. Marston, but I have the pearls. I took them from Jonathan Small when we first came to grips. I didn't want them to get wet, so I'm afraid you'll have to have them back
Dr. John H. Watson: Amazing!
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary.

[last lines]
Mary Morstan: Please... ask me.
Dr. John H. Watson: Will you, um...
Mary Morstan: Yes!
[they embrace]
Sherlock Holmes: Amazing!
Dr. John H. Watson: Elementary, my dear Holmes, elementary.

Dr. John H. Watson: You're not frightened?
Mary Morstan: Terribly! But rather thrilled, too.

Dr. John H. Watson: Well, now we know who did it. All we have to do is catch him.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, that's all. Yes, well you go out and catch him, and I'll wait here 'til you come back
Dr. John H. Watson: Yes!
[Watson turns to leave, but suddenly comes to a stop]
Dr. John H. Watson: Er, but where'll I go?
Sherlock Holmes: Exactly. Let's leave jumping to conclusions to the professional detectives.


The Woman in Green (1945)
Dr. John H. Watson: An evil man, Holmes, but... what a horrible death!
Sherlock Holmes: Better than he deserved.
Dr. John H. Watson: What are you thinking of?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm thinking of all the women who can come and go in safety in the streets of London tonight. The stars watch in the heavens, and in our own little way, we too, old friend, are privileged to watch over our city.

Dr. John H. Watson: There ought to be a law against fat people owning little dickie-birds.

Sherlock Holmes: What a beautiful view, Watson. I'm quite enjoying it.
Dr. John H. Watson: No, you're not - your hypnotized. Stand still, Holmes, stand still.
Sherlock Holmes: Stop it, Watson. I'm quite alright.
Dr. John H. Watson: You mean you're not hypnotized?
Sherlock Holmes: Certainly not!
Dr. John H. Watson: Then what on earth are you doing, you idiot? Get down!

Dr. John H. Watson: I haven't used that bag since I brought little Amelia Whats-'er-name into the world. She grew up to be a very unattractive child. Huh! Who wouldn't with a name like Amelia?


"Sherlock Holmes: The Case of the Texas Cowgirl (#1.4)" (1954)
[Holmes glances out the window of his Baker Street apartment]
Sherlock Holmes: A visitor, Watson.
Dr. John H. Watson: What? At this hour?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, a young lady who arrived in a covered wagon.
Dr. John H. Watson: A what?
Sherlock Holmes: A covered wagon. Now what is so unusual about that?

Sherlock Holmes: Won't you sit down.
Minnie: No time to sit down - not with that man in my room.
Dr. John H. Watson: Man in your room!
Minnie: Don't get excited, Doc. It's all right - he's dead.
Dr. John H. Watson: Oh well, of course, in that case... What? Dead?
Minnie: With his head bashed up a little and my tomahawk layin' next to him.

Minnie: I just want to get that body out of my room, pronto!
Dr. John H. Watson: Pronto? Is that his name?
Minnie: What language are you talkin', Doc?

[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: Minnie, may I ask you something.
Minnie: Sure can.
Sherlock Holmes: Would you really have shot me?
Minnie: Well, I reckon not. Maybe just wounded you a little.
[Minnie winks at Watson]
Minnie: [toasting] Here's to you, pards!
Sherlock Holmes, Dr. John H. Watson: Here's to you, Minnie.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Norwood Builder (#2.3)" (1985)
Dr. John Watson: Thank heavens he was wearing his trousers.

Dr. John Watson: A man's bank account can tell us as much as his diary.

Sherlock Holmes: You've found something?
Dr. John Watson: No, it's what I haven't found that interests me.

[first lines]
Dr. John Watson: Thank you, George.
Sherlock Holmes: From the point of view of the criminal expert, London has become a singularly uninteresting city.
Dr. John Watson: Well, I hardly think you'll find many decent citizens to agree with you.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, well, well, one must not be selfish. The community's the gainer and no-one the loser, save the poor unfortunate specialist whose occupation has gone.


A Study in Terror (1965)
Dr. John Watson: Someone should have sent for us before this, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Someone has. The woman who sent me that instrument case.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, but then why doesn't she come out into the open?
Sherlock Holmes: Being a woman, she uses a women's art. She intrigues us to White Chapel.

Dr. John Watson: But how on Earth did you get out of it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: You know my methods, Watson, I am well known to be indestructable.

Sherlock Holmes: Would you stand up?
Dr. John Watson: Whatever for?
Sherlock Holmes: It is an old maxim of mine that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth, and therefore, you are sitting on my pipe.

Dr. John Watson: Holmes, there was an identical murder of a woman in Whitechapel just three days ago.
Sherlock Holmes: Aha, a second murder!
Dr. John Watson: Mm.-hmmm
Sherlock Holmes: Now, that is interesting.
Dr. John Watson: Why?
Sherlock Holmes: Because it is the second murder.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Naval Treaty (#1.3)" (1984)
Dr. John Watson: Come along, Holmes, that bandage tells of adventures. Now what happened?
Sherlock Holmes: After breakfast, my dear Watson. Remember I have breathed thirty miles of Surrey air this morning.

Dr. John Watson: But Holmes, we can hardly suppose that the thief took the treaty in order to frame it and hang it on his wall.

[Contriving an excuse for Percy Phelps to leave his country home, Holmes reunites with Phelps and Dr. Watson the next morning at 221B Baker Street]
Dr. John Watson: [noticing Holmes' bandaged hand] Holmes! You're wounded!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, it's only a scratch through my own clumsiness. Good morning, Mr. Phelps, This case of yours is certainly one of the darkest I have ever investigated.


Holmes & Watson. Madrid Days (2012)
John Watson: [about Crystal Palace in The Buen Retiro Park] It's so luminous, so bright.
Sherlock Holmes: It's so luminous that sun enters the palace to take a sunbathe.

Sherlock Holmes: I think that maybe it's time to retire me. I miss London: his streets, his bikes, his cars, his buildings, his parks... Maybe I could to investigate about bees. Always I was intrigued about the reason they do hexagonal cells. I could live in the country beekeeping, and write a book about it.
John Watson: And maybe a woman?
Sherlock Holmes: [sarcastic] Don't be killjoy Watson! Don't add fog to the landscape.

Sherlock Holmes: How are his notions about Spanish language?
John Watson: [ironic] Excellents. I will not question about his notions: his Spanish language must be so perfect as his swahili.


"Elementary: The Rat Race (#1.4)" (2012)
Dr. Joan Watson: You speak Mandarin?
Sherlock Holmes: Not as well as I'd like. You?
Dr. Joan Watson: Not as well as my mother would like.

Dr. Joan Watson: [to Holmes] Are you trying to take credit for me saving your life?

Sherlock Holmes: It has its costs.
Dr. Joan Watson: What does?
Sherlock Holmes: Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere. Once you start looking, it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most fascinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such.
Dr. Joan Watson: Seems like a lonely way to live.
Sherlock Holmes: As I said. Has its costs.


Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace (1962)
Dr. Watson: How do you know that?
Sherlock Holmes: Don't you ever read the Times, Watson? I've often advised you to do so, if you want to know something.

Dr. Watson: What do you suppose that is?
Sherlock Holmes: It looks remarkably like a grave.
Dr. Watson: A grave? But that's not large enough to burry a dog in.
Sherlock Holmes: Be careful, Watson, don't spoil the footprints. Leave that to the Inspector.
Dr. Watson: What could possibly be is buried there?
Sherlock Holmes: Clothes... very old clothes.

Inspector Cooper: Whiskey in the handle of a walking stick.
Prof. Moriarty: I always find it helps to take a small drink when it's chilly in London, Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, I never drink before six.
Prof. Moriarty: Would the Inspector like one?
Inspector Cooper: [about to take a sip, but changes his mind] No, never on duty.
Prof. Moriarty: Doctor Watson?
Dr. Watson: No thanks, I am not in the least chilly today.
Prof. Moriarty: What a shame.


The Sign of Four (1987) (TV)
[first lines]
Dr. John Watson: Very pretty young woman crossing the street. And I think she may be coming here.
Sherlock Holmes: Incidentally, I have glanced over your latest account of my work.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, yes?
Sherlock Holmes: Honestly, I cannot congratulate you upon it. Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science. Observation, deduction, a cold unemotional subject. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism which has much the same effect as if you'd worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.

Dr. John Watson: What a very attractive woman!
Sherlock Holmes: It is of the first importance not to allow your judgement to be biased by personal qualities. A client to me is a mere unit, a factor of the problem.
Dr. John Watson: Holmes, you are an automaton, a calculating machine; there is something positively inhuman in you at times.
Sherlock Holmes: I assure you the most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little children for their insurance-money, and the most repellent man of my acquaintance is a philanthropist who has spent nearly a quarter of a million upon the London poor.
Dr. John Watson: However, in this case...
Sherlock Holmes: Ah. I never make exceptions. An exception disproves the rule.

[last lines]
Dr. John Watson: What a very attractive woman.
Sherlock Holmes: Was she? I hadn't noticed.


"Elementary: The One Percent Solution (#2.16)" (2014)
Dr. Joan Watson: I don't care which cock I'm holding, I just want to know how it got there.

[last lines]
Dr. Joan Watson: It worked. So, now what? We own chickens, don't we? I'm not feeding them.

Dr. Joan Watson: [Watson carries one of the chickens down to Holmes] Why is Romulus outside my door?
Sherlock Holmes: That's Remus.
Dr. Joan Watson: I don't care which cock I'm holding, I just want to know how it got there.
[Holmes smirks]
Dr. Joan Watson: Okay, congratulations, you got me to say it.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that that would look fantastic on a tombstone.


The Spider Woman (1944)
Sherlock Holmes: [on the pyjama suicides] Directing them is one of the most fiendishly clever minds in all Europe today. I suspect a woman.
Dr. John H. Watson: You amaze me, Holmes. Why a woman?
Sherlock Holmes: Because the method, whatever it is, is particularly subtle and cruel. Feline, not canine.
Inspector Lestrade: Popycock. When a bloke does himself in, that's suicide.
Sherlock Holmes: Unless a bloke is driven to suicide; in that case it's murder.
Dr. John H. Watson: Driven? That *sounds* like a woman, doesn't it?
Sherlock Holmes: Definitley - a female Moriarty. Clever. Ruthless. And above all, cautious.

Dr. John H. Watson: A word, what word?
Sherlock Holmes: Pygmy!

Inspector Lestrade: Where is he anyhow?
Dr. John H. Watson: I'm blessed if I know. He said wait here, by the shooting gallery, and look inconspicuous.
Inspector Lestrade: Inconspicuous? Oh...
[Lestrade starts whistling and inspecting the ceiling]
Dr. John H. Watson: He said inconspicuous, Lestrade, not half-witted.


"Elementary: The Man with the Twisted Lip (#2.21)" (2014)
Dr. Joan Watson: I think you might have been right.
Sherlock Holmes: [matter-of-factly] Yeah.
[pause]
Sherlock Holmes: On what topic?

Sherlock Holmes: ...in the steeple of St. Olaf's church... in pursuit of a lost cat belonging to one of our friends in Everyone.
Dr. Joan Watson: Can't we just find a hacker collective that accepts cash?

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, I've not respected your privacy. I apologize for that. Please know, I value you for more than just the many benefits you've brought into my life. I value you as a person.
Dr. Joan Watson: That's nice. It really is. But your apologies always seem to come after you already got what you wanted.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Blue Carbuncle (#1.7)" (1984)
Dr. Watson: I suppose that, homely as it looks, that thing has some deadly story linked to it. That is the clue which will guide you in the solution of some mystery and the punishment of some crime.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, we have been given a line of investigation which has been missed by the police and which a singular chance has placed in our hands. Now let us follow it to the bitter end.
Dr. Watson: [mutters, shivering] Extremely bitter.
Sherlock Holmes: Faces to the south, then, and quick march!

[last lines]
Dr. Watson: Midnight. Merry Christmas, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: And to you, my dear friend.
Dr. Watson: Just a minute. Holmes, I cannot contemplate eating while John Horner is still on remand. Do you suppose Bradstreet or one of his colleagues might still be at their desks?
Sherlock Holmes: Eh, well. You're quite right, Watson. Come, let's go.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Solitary Cyclist (#1.4)" (1984)
[first lines]
Sherlock Holmes: Watson.
Dr Watson: Yes?
Sherlock Holmes: Watch.
[they move to his chemistry setup]
Sherlock Holmes: The chemical reaction you are about to witness will solve the mystery concerning the persecution of Mr John Vincent Harden.
Dr Watson: Oh. Excellent! The tobacco millionaire. Shall I take notes?
Sherlock Holmes: No, I will dictate in the fullness of time.

Dr Watson: Did I *really* do remarkably badly?
Sherlock Holmes: [ponders] Yes!

[last lines]
Dr Watson: Is that the answer, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, that is the answer, Watson. Come on, let me explain.


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Problem of Thor Bridge (#1.2)" (1991)
Sherlock Holmes: I must confess that the case would seem to be a very black one against her if it were not for one thing.
Dr. Watson: What is that?
Sherlock Holmes: The finding of the pistol in her wardrobe.
Dr. Watson: That seems to be the most damning incident of all.

[last lines]
Dr. Watson: You have helped a remarkable woman, Holmes. And a formidable man.
Sherlock Holmes: And if, as seems not unlikely, they should join forces?
Dr. Watson: Naturally I would wish them well.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmph. Magnanimous of you, Watson.

Dr. Watson: [exasperated after Holmes drops his revolver into the stream to prove a point] My revolver, Holmes.


Pursuit to Algiers (1945)
Sheila Woodbury: You are a darling.
[kisses Sherlock Holmes on the cheek and walks away]
Dr. John H. Watson: Huh. Extraordinary sight.
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary my dear Watson; and very pleasant.

Dr. John H. Watson: Holmes? But your plane crashed!
Sherlock Holmes: It was shot down, Watson.

Dr. John H. Watson: I don't understand, Holmes! She seems such a nice girl! She sings charmingly!
Sherlock Holmes: My dear fellow, musical talent is hardly evidence of innocence. Moriarity was a virtuoso on the bassoon.


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Priory School (#1.6)" (1986)
Sherlock Holmes: [Inquiring about the white pudding that Watson is eating in a run-down hostelry they are investigating] How is it, Watson?
Dr. John Watson: It is disgusting, Holmes.

Dr. Watson: Insufferable lout.

[first lines]
Mrs. Hudson: There's a gentleman downstairs...
Dr. Watson: Sh. Ask him to wait a moment, Mrs Hudson.
Mrs. Hudson: He's most insistent.


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Creeping Man (#1.6)" (1991)
Dr. John Watson: Mr. Holmes' memory is of a photographical order.
Jack Bennett: Quite so. Oh, dear.

Dr. Watson: You go armed?
Sherlock Holmes: Always carry a firearm east of Aldgate, Watson.

[last lines]
Dr. Watson: If I may say so, Holmes, I think you went a little too far in allowing Lestrade all the credit.
Sherlock Holmes: Not all, Watson. You can file it away in our archives. One day the entire truth can be told.


The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (1939)
[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: Very effective, my dear Watson!
Doctor John H. Watson: Elementary, my dear Holmes, elementary.

Inquisitive Stranger: [Watson is lying in the street in order to reconstruct a murder - a stranger stops and stares] I say, has something happened?
Doctor John H. Watson: Definitely. Would you mind stepping back a few paces?
Inquisitive Stranger: Not at all.
Doctor John H. Watson: Thank you.
Inquisitive Stranger: Perhaps I could find a doctor?
Doctor John H. Watson: I'm a doctor. What's the matter with you?
Inquisitive Stranger: I'm all right. I was thinking of you.
Doctor John H. Watson: Why?
Inquisitive Stranger: But aren't you ill?
Doctor John H. Watson: Certainly not. I'm dead.
Inquisitive Stranger: Well. I'm afraid I must be getting off.
[He leaves, hurriedly]
Doctor John H. Watson: Don't let me detain you. Stupid fellow.

Doctor John H. Watson: [Regarding a rabbit's foot] I've always thought those things in very bad taste. F ancy going about with a dead animals foot dangling from your pocket!


The Hound of the Baskervilles (2002) (TV)
Jack Stapleton: She calls herself a medium. The peasants call her a witch.
Dr. John Watson: And you? What do you call her?
Jack Stapleton: I call her "Mrs. Mortimer."

Dr. John Watson: [throws his coat to pull Holmes out of a quicksand on the moor] Now to put my tailor to the test.
[pulls Holmes out]
Sherlock Holmes: Three cheers for Savile Row!

Sir Henry Baskerville: What do you call that thing where the landowner has the right to bed the local women?
Dr. John Watson: Droit de signeur. Sadly for you, the feudal system was abolished in Devonshire some time ago.


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Second Stain (#1.4)" (1986)
Dr. John Watson: [Remarking about Lady Trelawney Hope] I say, what a really remarkable and beautiful woman!
Sherlock Holmes: Mmmm... the fair sex is your department, Watson.

Dr. John Watson: [reading from a newspaper] Murder in Westminster... crime of a mysterious character... Eduardo Lucas, unmarried, 34, well-known in society circles on account of his charming personality... valet out for the evening...
Sherlock Holmes: [interrupting] They always are!
Dr. John Watson: [still reading] ... elderly housekeeper... sleeps at the top of the house... heard nothing...
Sherlock Holmes: [interrupting] They never do!

[first lines]
Dr. Watson: [narration] One Tuesday morning in autumn at precisely half past eight, Sherlock Holmes received a mysterious message that two men of great public distinction would be visiting Baker Street in their private capacity and under circumstances of complete secrecy.


Sherlock Holmes in Washington (1943)
Sherlock Holmes: This is a great country, Watson.
Dr. John H. Watson: It certainly is, my dear fellow.
Sherlock Holmes: Look. Up there ahead. The Capitol - the very heart of this democracy.
Dr. John H. Watson: Democracy - the only hope for the future, eh, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: It is not given for us to peer into the mysteries of the future. But in the days to come, the British and American people for their own safety and the good of all will walk together in majesty and in justice and in peace.
Dr. John H. Watson: That's magnificent. I quite agree with you.
Sherlock Holmes: Not with me. With Mr. Winston Churchill. I was quoting from the speech he made not long ago in that very building.

Dr. John H. Watson: It's clear as mud to me.

Sherlock Holmes: [Ahrens of the Home Office is explaining the situation about Pettibone having secretly taken a legal document to Washington] What form was this document in?
Mr. Ahrens: It was typed -- on two sheets of legal paper.
Dr. John H. Watson: Two sheets! That's too bulky to swallow!
Sherlock Holmes: And dry, Watson, fearfully dry -- especially *legal* papers!
[no one bats an eye at the horrible pun...]


The Hound of the Baskervilles (1978)
[first lines]
Nun: Monsieur le Doctor Watson, what is keeping Monsieur Holmes so long?
Doctor Watson: Oh, reassurez-vous yourselves sisters, your holy relic will be with you momentarily.
Nun: But we have been waiting almost one hour!
Doctor Watson: Mr. Holmes is a very busy man sister. Monsieur Holmes is an, erm, tres occupée sister.
Nun: But tomorrow is the festival of St Beryl, already thousands of blind cripples are flocking to the chapel hoping to kiss the relic. In the name of all the flocking blind cripples, I beseech you...

Sherlock Holmes: Do you think I'm gonna waste my time combing the streets of London for some old boot? This is a job for an imbecile.
Doctor Watson: Quite right, Holmes, let me deal with this.

Doctor Watson: [on phone] Holmes, it's Watson here. Listen, it's very urgent you come down immediately on the next train to Baskerviille, twelve noon train.
[listens]
Doctor Watson: You'll be in disguise? Well how am I going to recognize you, then? Why can't you wear a pink carnation?


Murder by Decree (1979)
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, what are you doing?
Dr. John H. Watson: I'm trying to corner the last pea on my plate.
Dr. John H. Watson: [Holmes squashes the pea] You squashed my pea.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, now you've got it cornered.
Dr. John H. Watson: Yes but squashing a fellow's pea.
Sherlock Holmes: Just trying to help.
Dr. John H. Watson: I didn't want it squashed, I don't like it that way - I like it whole so that you can feel it pop when you bite down on it.
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry, I wasn't thinking.

Dr. John H. Watson: [Offended by the booing of the Prince of Wales by the theater gallery] It's a damn disgrace!
Sherlock Holmes: On the contrary. I prefer bad manners in the theater to active violence in the streets.

Sherlock Holmes: [Reacting to the tardiness of the Prince of Wales] I suppose since, after all, he's only the Prince of Wales, we should not expect the same degree of courtesy.
Dr. John H. Watson: And since you are the Prince of Detectives, Holmes, I don't think you should presume to criticize a man who one day will be King of England.
Sherlock Holmes: [amused] Well done, Watson! You have cut me to the quick. Hmm! Only the Prince of Detectives, you say? Then who, pray tell, is the King?
Dr. John H. Watson: Lestrade, of course.
[Holmes laughs]


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Eligible Bachelor (#3.2)" (1993)
[first lines]
Sherlock Holmes: This is the asylum at Varnish.
Dr Watson: The misery there must be behind those walls. Hm.
Sherlock Holmes: There's no escape from the terrors of the mind.
Dr Watson: Indeed. Well, another case concluded.
Sherlock Holmes: Pah! I needn't have left Baker Street. An observant child could have solved it.

Lord Robert St. Simon: Lord Blackwater said that Mr Holmes has handled cases of this sort before. Though hardly, I imagine, from the same class of society.
Dr Watson: He would in fact be descending.
Lord Robert St. Simon: Sir.
Dr Watson: Well, Mr Holmes' last client of the sort was a king.

[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: How dare you! How dare you make a record of this case!
Dr Watson: Ho, record. Oh, no no no no no, I'm merely answering an invitation... to another seminar.
Sherlock Holmes: Really? Well, be quick; we leave in an hour.
Dr Watson: What for?
Sherlock Holmes: For heaven's sake, Watson, the performance.


Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon (1942)
Dr. John H. Watson: Things are looking up, Holmes. This little Island's still on the map.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. "This fortress - built by nature for herself; This blessed plot, this Earth, this Rome, this England."

Dr. John H. Watson: What woman?
Sherlock Holmes: She's blonde, five foot, full lipped and very affectionate.
Dr. John H. Watson: [flippantly] Oh, really? Got her phone number?
[Holmes looks at Watson disapprovingly]


Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Silk Stocking (2004) (TV)
Dr. Watson: Once again, Holmes, you've deliberately held me at arm's length. I really think you might treat me with a little more frankness.
Sherlock Holmes: My profession would be a drab and sordid one, Watson, if I did not sometimes set the scene to glorify the results.
Dr. Watson: You have a peculiar secretive streak in you, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: The only safe plotter is he who plots alone.
Dr. Watson: Thank you for that vote of confidence.

Dr. Watson: Is it Bach you're playing?
Sherlock Holmes: I prefer German music when I feel introspective.


"Sherlock Holmes: The Sign of Four (#2.15)" (1968)
Sherlock Holmes: [Last lines] Love is an emotional thing. I shall never marry, lest I bias my judgment.
Dr. Watson: I trust my judgement shall survive it. You are weary, Holmes. You don't ask much of life, do you?
Sherlock Holmes: Work, my dear Watson, a problem to solve is all I ask. I cannot live without brainwork. Give me the pleasure of finding a field for my own peculiar powers. Give me work. This is my reward. And I am content.

Dr. Watson: [to Miss Marston] Anticipation is always the worst part of any venture.


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: Shoscombe Old Place (#1.3)" (1991)
[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: So how much did you win on Shoscombe Prince?
Dr. Watson: Twenty guineas.
Sherlock Holmes: Disgraceful.
[Mrs. Hudson enters carrying a tray]
Dr. Watson: Champagne, Mrs. Hudson?
Mrs. Hudson: Of course, in the circumstances.
Dr. Watson: Well, it's very good of you, but I've only won twenty guineas.
Mrs. Hudson: Plus my ten. You're not the only one that likes a plunge on the horses from time to time, Doctor.
Sherlock Holmes: Hah, gee, ahem. Well... Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, do you know anything of racing?
Dr. Watson: I ought to. I pay for it with about half my wound pension.


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Abbey Grange (#1.2)" (1986)
Sherlock Holmes: I must admit, Watson, you do have some power of selection.
Dr. Watson: Thank you, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Which atones for much of which I deplore about your narratives. Your fatal habit of looking at everything from the point of view of a story instead of as a scientific exercise has ruined what might have been an instructive and even classical series of demonstrations.
Dr. Watson: Why do you not write them yourself?
Sherlock Holmes: I will, my dear Watson, I will. In my declining years.

[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: It's almost as though you disapproved of the happiness we have fostered today.
Dr. Watson: Oh, no. I approve of that; of course I do. I am uneasy that you took upon yourself the duties of advocate *and* judge.
Sherlock Holmes: You are too bound by forms, Watson!
Dr. Watson: Forms are society.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmph.
Dr. Watson: Manners maketh man.
Sherlock Holmes: Hah.
Dr. Watson: It's just as well you are unique.


"Elementary: Ears to You (#2.17)" (2014)
Sherlock Holmes: The captain called and told me that the severed ears Gordon Cushing received were a DNA match for Sarah's.
Dr. Joan Watson: You're kidding.
Sherlock Holmes: That's me, Watson. Joke machine.

Sherlock Holmes: This arrived for you from Detective Bell.
[points at package]
Dr. Joan Watson: You opened it?
Sherlock Holmes: It's just a few files pertaining to the recent muggings. I'm curious-since when do we investigate common street crime?
Dr. Joan Watson: Since when do you open my mail?
Sherlock Holmes: How long have you lived here?


The Scarlet Claw (1944)
Sherlock Holmes: Relations of friendly intimacy with the United States on the one hand and their unswerving fidelity to the British commonwealth and the motherland on the other. Canada, the link which joins together these great branches of the human family.
Dr. John H. Watson: Churchill said that?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, Watson, Churchill.

Sherlock Holmes: Sit down, old fellow. Judge Brisson has decided not to shoot us.
Dr. John H. Watson: Oh? Very kind of him!


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Last Vampyre (#3.1)" (1993)
Sherlock Holmes: [after scaring Watson in vampire fashion] Sorry to have alarmed you, Watson, but your reaction was instructive. So you believe in their existence?
Doctor Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Vampires.
Doctor Watson: [angrily] No, of course I don't.
Sherlock Holmes: Your attitude suggests the contrary.

Doctor Watson: I'm sorry if I've caused you pain.
Carlotta: Why not? You're a doctor.


"Your Show Time: The Adventure of the Speckled Band (#1.10)" (1949)
Dr. Watson: [to Watson] Bell ropes that don't ring! Ventilators that don't ventilate!

Dr. Watson: But how do gypsies come into this?
Sherlock Holmes: I can't imagine.
Dr. Watson: I'm afraid I see many objections to admitting them.
Sherlock Holmes: So do I, my dear Watson, so do I. That's why we're going down there this afternoon if you'd like to join me.
Dr. Watson: O-o-o, I always say, two heads are better than one.


The House of Fear (1945)
Sherlock Holmes: This is a most unique case. Instead of too few we have too many clues and too many suspects. The main pattern of the puzzle seems to be forming, but the pieces don't fit in.
Dr. John H. Watson: Muddy waters, eh, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Too muddy. As if someone were constantly stirring them up.
Dr. John H. Watson: Why should they stir them up?
Sherlock Holmes: To confuse me. There's intelligence behind this business, Watson. Cold, calculating, ruthless intelligence.

Dr. John H. Watson: I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't sleep very well.
Sherlock Holmes: Didn't sleep very well? You snored like a pig!


Sherlock Holmes' Fatal Hour (1931)
Dr. John Watson: Oh, Holmes, you're marvelous!
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary.

Dr. John Watson: [to Kathleen] A summons from you comes before even a summons from Sherlock Holmes.


"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: Silver Blaze (#2.2)" (1988)
Colonel Ross: I must say I am rather disappointed in our London consultant. I don't see that we're any further than when he came.
Dr Watson: At least you have his assurance, Colonel, that your horse will run.
Colonel Ross: Oh, yes, I have his assurance. I should prefer to have the horse.

[first lines]
Sherlock Holmes: It's no good. I shall have to go.
Dr Watson: Go? Go? Go where?
Sherlock Holmes: King's Pyland.
[points to newspaper]
Dr Watson: [reads] "Last evening, Inspector Gregory of the Devonshire constabulary arrested well-known racing personality Fitzroy Simpson and charged him with the murder of trainer John Straker."


The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother (1975)
Sherlock Holmes: While Sherlock is gone, he will pass on one or two of his less urgent assignments to his brother, Sigerson.
[clock goes off]
Dr. Watson: Holmes! You never told me you had a brother, Sigerson.
Sherlock Holmes: I never told you I had a brother Mycroft... until the occasion arose.
Dr. Watson: Well, who is the fellow?
Sherlock Holmes: Sigerson is my younger brother. And he has spent the past thirty years getting hopelessly twisted in my shadow.
Dr. Watson: Extremely jealous, is he?
Sherlock Holmes: Mm, something of the sort.
Dr. Watson: Love and hate, eh?
Sherlock Holmes: I should say hate... and dislike.

Dr. Watson: Holmes, how will you ever repay him?
Sherlock Holmes: By playing the violin, Watson. By playing the violin.


"Elementary: Corpse De Ballet (#2.15)" (2014)
Dr. Joan Watson: [Joan walks into the kitchen and sees a note on the door that says; Coitus in Progress... Recently concluded] More on point than a sock.

Dr. Joan Watson: You went a little fanboy back there.
Sherlock Holmes: Fanboy?
Dr. Joan Watson: I've never seen you treat a murder suspect so politely before.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Crooked Man (#1.5)" (1984)
Dr. John Watson: What do you say, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: What can I say? Major Murphy, you have told me *nothing*!

[last lines]
Dr. John Watson: Holmes, there's just one thing I don't understand. If the Colonel's name was James and Wood was called either Henry or Harry, them who the deuce was David?
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, my dear Watson, that name 'David' should have told me the whole story had I been the ideal reasoner which you are so fond of depicting, but, alas, my powers of deduction failed me. You see, 'David' in this case was evidently used as a term of reproach.
Dr. John Watson: Reproach?
Sherlock Holmes: Don't you remember how King David sent Uriah the Hittite into the forefront of the battle to die so that he might steal his woman Bathsheba? I think you will find the story in the first or second Book of Samuel. My Old Testament is a little rusty.
Dr. John Watson: You're quite right, Holmes. Second Book of Samuel, Chapter 11, verses 14-17. You appear to have looked it up yourself since we returned home from Aldershot.
Sherlock Holmes: How did you know?
Dr. John Watson: You used this bill from our meal at Waterloo as a bookmarker, did you not?
Sherlock Holmes: Excellent, Watson.
Dr. John Watson: Elementary, my dear Holmes.
[leaves the room]
Dr. John Watson: Good night, old fellow.


Sherlock Holmes and the Voice of Terror (1942)
Doctor Watson: Holmes, the girl waiting. What an extraordinary thing.
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson.
Doctor Watson: No, no, no. It's an amazing deduction. How on earth did you arrive at it?
Sherlock Holmes: Barham told me.

[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: There's an east wind coming, Watson.
Doctor Watson: No, I don't think so. Looks like another warm day.
Sherlock Holmes: Good old Watson. The one fixed point in the changing age. There's an east wind coming all the same, such a wind as never blew on England yet. It will be cold and bitter, Watson. And a good many of us may wither before its blast. But it's God's own wind nonetheless and a greener, better, stronger land that will lie in the sunshine when the storm is cleared.


"Elementary: Bella (#3.4)" (2014)
Dr. Joan Watson: You said you didn't set Andrew up with your friend from Denmark. I want to believe you.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I encourage you to do just that then.

Sherlock Holmes: [to Watson regarding Andrew] I like him. He's intelligent. He hasn't just jumped into a new business. He has the patience and self-possession to wait for something worthwhile. *And*, most importantly, he understands you. He understands you and me.
Dr. Joan Watson: What do you mean by that?
Sherlock Holmes: I mean, Watson, that whether you care to admit it lately or not, I am an important part of your life. And whether I say it out loud or not, you are an important part of mine. My return to New York was driven in large part by a desire to repair our relationship. And I think, even though we might draw further or nearer from each other, depending on circumstance, you and I are bound. Somehow. Andrew accepts that without feeling needlessly threatened. It's a rather enlightened position. And so, no, I've got no desire to banish the man to Scandi-bloody-navia.
Dr. Joan Watson: Okay, I believe you. Kinda feel like hugging you right now.
Sherlock Holmes: Yet, as my friend, you know that would be a rash decision.


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Boscombe Valley Mystery (#1.4)" (1991)
Dr. Watson: Many men have been hanged on far slighter evidence.
Sherlock Holmes: So they have. And many men have been hanged wrongfully.

[last lines]
Dr. Watson: A happy ending to a brilliant case. I congratulate you, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: I thank you. I must admit there were certain aspects to this case which even *I* did not anticipate.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Resident Patient (#2.4)" (1985)
Dr. John Watson: [on the state of the room] I dare say Mrs Hudson will be a little put out when she sees all this.

[last lines]
Dr. John Watson: I thought I'd call it "The Brook Street Mystery". No?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I myself would prefer "The Resident Patient", but please do not let me influence you. "The Brook Street Mystery" no doubt would suffice.


"The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes: The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax (#1.1)" (1991)
Dr. John Watson: I was a soldier in India, sir. I've shot nobler creatures than you.

[first lines]
Dr. Watson: [narration: Holmes is reading a letter from Watson] My dear Holmes, today I walked fourteen miles across rough terrain, and hardly a twinge from either my leg or my shoulder. The landscape is as handsome as it is reported. I still entertain the hope that I can prevail upon you to join me. I appreciate, of course, that the beauties of nature mean little to you, but I believe you would have found some of the guests at my hotel most intriguing.


The Seven-Per-Cent Solution (1976)
[as Holmes' boat pulls away]
Dr. John H. Watson: But how will you live?
Sherlock Holmes: When my arm is better, you would do well to follow the concert career of a violinist... named Sigerson!
Dr. John H. Watson: But your readers - my readers - what will I tell them?
Sherlock Holmes: Anything you like! Tell them I was murdered by my mathematics tutor; they'll never believe you in any case!

Station Master: This is the Dresden local.
Dr. John H. Watson: [pulls pistol from his coat] It is now the Orient Express.


"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Greek Interpreter (#2.2)" (1985)
Dr Watson: I didn't know you had a brother.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh yes. And I can assure you that he possesses a far greater faculty for observation and deduction than I do.
Dr Watson: Holmes, I know that you are a modest man...
[Holmes laughs]

[last lines]
Dr Watson: What'll become of her?
Sherlock Holmes: After questioning, nothing. It's not a crime to have a cold heart and not a single shred of compassion.


They Might Be Giants (1971)
Dr. Mildred Watson: You're just like Don Quixote. You think that everything is always something else.
Justin Playfair: Well, he had a point. 'Course he carried it a bit too far. He thought that every windmill was a giant. That's insane. But, thinking that they might be, well... All the best minds used to think the world was flat. But what if it isn't? It might be round. And bread mold might be medicine. If we never looked at things and thought of what might be, why we'd all still be out there in the tall grass with the apes.

Justin Playfair: Watson, your first impression of a detective worker, like it?
Dr. Mildred Watson: No!
Justin Playfair: [chuckles] Good girl! I know how girls are. No means yes.
Dr. Mildred Watson: I haven't been a girl in twenty years, and when I say "no", i mean "no"!


"Elementary: Flight Risk (#1.6)" (2012)
Dr. Joan Watson: Can I ask you a question?
Sherlock Holmes: Can I stop you?


"Elementary: The Woman (#1.23)" (2013)
Dr. Joan Watson: I'm not your sober companion anymore, but I know a relapse trigger when I see one.


"Sherlock Holmes: The Case of the Laughing Mummy (#1.17)" (1955)
Dr. John H. Watson: That was a close call, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: It certainly was. If you hadn't lingered to pass the time of day with that barmaid, we'd have had ample time.
Dr. John H. Watson: How did you know that I...
Sherlock Holmes: Your elbow - it's wet.
Dr. John H. Watson: Well?
Sherlock Holmes: You've obviously been leaning on a bar somewhere and if I know you, it wasn't a bar *man*. Was she pretty?


"Elementary: The Marchioness (#2.7)" (2013)
Dr. Joan Watson: [Sherlock is jabbing her while she's sleeping] Why are you poking me with your single stick?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm prodding the sheets in order to determine whether or not my brother is in there with you.


"Sherlock Holmes: The Case of the Shy Ballerina (#1.6)" (1954)
Dr. John H. Watson: You mean you know who the murderer is?
Sherlock Holmes: Of course. Don't you?


Tom and Jerry Meet Sherlock Holmes (2010) (V)
Dr. Watson: We'll never catch him now.
Sherlock Holmes: 'Never' is not in my vocabulary.


"Elementary: A Giant Gun, Filled with Drugs (#1.15)" (2013)
Sherlock Holmes: You seem even more dour than usual, Watson. I would posit it was a menstruation issue but I worked out your cycle. You're good for ten more days.
Dr. Joan Watson: [sarcastically] Couching it as a scientific observation totally negates the misogyny.


"Elementary: Dead Man's Switch (#1.20)" (2013)
Sherlock Holmes: Earlier we were theorizing that 'Henry 8' was Milverton's accomplice. Henry VIII, as I'm sure you're aware, was the fattest monarch in British history.
Dr. Joan Watson: So you think that Zellner was his accomplice, and Milverton gave him that code name because he was heavy-set?
Sherlock Holmes: Orson Welles was heavy-set. Zellner could pull four moons out of orbit.


Sherlock Holmes: The Man Who Disappeared (1951) (TV)
[first lines]
Dr. Watson: London is a very big city. Every year a lot of people vanish and are never heard of again. That's none of my business because I'm a doctor. My name is John Watson. But one of these concerned me because it was a wealthy patient of mine who disappeared without a trace.


"Elementary: While You Were Sleeping (#1.2)" (2012)
Dr. Joan Watson: Hey, I found something in the hall closet the other day.
Sherlock Holmes: Was it the zipper mask, because I swear I'm just holding that for a friend.


"Sherlock: Unaired Pilot (#1.0)" (2010)
Sherlock Holmes: You may as well eat. We might be waiting a long time.
Dr. John Watson: Are you going to?
Sherlock Holmes: What day is it?
Dr. John Watson: Wednesday.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm ok for a bit.


"The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes: The Red Circle (#1.4)" (1994)
[last lines]
Doctor Watson: [narration] English justice looked kindly on the young couple, and soon afterwards they left for Australia. There they found a new and happier life, free from the threat of the Red Circle.


"Elementary: Dirty Laundry (#1.11)" (2013)
Dr. Joan Watson: [Holmes is watching surveillance videos simultaneously on a half dozen monitors. Watson walks into the room behind him] Do I even want to know what happened?
Sherlock Holmes: You haven't missed a thing, more yak than shack so far. Curiously, many of the videos are entirely prostitute free.
Dr. Joan Watson: I meant the garbage.
[She points to the pile on the floor behind him]
Sherlock Holmes: Borrowed our neighbor's bin to test your theory about physical mess and its correlation to relapse. I've been sitting here for hours and I haven't felt any additional temptation to use drugs. We'll see how I an in the morning.
[Annoyed, she turns around and leaves]


"Elementary: Ancient History (#2.5)" (2013)
Sherlock Holmes: Sometimes, Watson, when one wants a diamond, one must resort to digging in a diamond mine.
Dr. Joan Watson: For future reference, a morgue is not a diamond mine.
Sherlock Holmes: It's better. Diamonds are just pressed coal; corpses have stories, secrets.


"Elementary: Risk Management (#1.22)" (2013)
Dr. Joan Watson: You're in the danger zone also.
Captain Toby Gregson: I've been a cop for 30 years! I carry a gun!
Dr. Joan Watson: [muttering] And a penis.


"Elementary: We Are Everyone (#2.3)" (2013)
Dr. Joan Watson: In other words, you plan on arguing on the internet all night.


"Elementary: Details (#1.16)" (2013)
[trying to teach Watson self-defense, Holmes hits her in the back with a tennis ball]
Dr. Joan Watson: Ow! What the hell was that about?
Sherlock Holmes: Don't be cross. It could have been a knife.


"The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes: The Three Gables (#1.1)" (1994)
[last lines]
Dr Watson: You let her off the hook, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Compounding a felony, you mean.
Dr Watson: Murder.
Sherlock Holmes: It would have been impossible to prove. Mrs Klein has learnt that she can't play with edged tools for ever without cutting those... ageing hands of hers. Time is not on her side. Shall we?


The Speckled Band (1931)
Sherlock Holmes: From your clothes I would deduce - you're going to a wedding.
Dr. John Watson: [laughs heartily] At last I've got you. For once in your life you're wromg.
Sherlock Holmes: Wrong?
Dr. John Watson: I'm not going to a wedding! I'm coming from one!
Dr. John Watson: [Watson again enjoys a hearty laugh]
Sherlock Holmes: [sardonically] Give them my congratulations or perhaps condolences.
Dr. John Watson: Rubbish! We all come to it, my dear fellow.
Dr. John Watson: [he laughs again] We all come to it. Goodbye.
Sherlock Holmes: [alone, ironically and sadly, after Watson has left] Not all, my dear Watson... not all.


Sherlock Holmes and the Masks of Death (1984) (TV)
Dr. John H. Watson: No sane man wants war.
Sherlock Holmes: That is the trouble, Watson. There are otherwise sane men who do want war.


"Elementary: The Grand Experiment (#2.24)" (2014)
Dr. Joan Watson: Where are you going?
Sherlock Holmes: The agency's favorite local. I've got a meeting with them in twenty minutes. Feel free to resume your rutting.


The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959)
[last lines]
Sherlock Holmes: It's elementary, my dear Watson, elementary...
[Extending it to Watson]
Sherlock Holmes: Muffin?
Doctor John Watson: Thank you.


"Elementary: Blood Is Thicker (#2.8)" (2013)
Dr. Joan Watson: This is one of those "so many questions" moments. Why only three times a year?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I'm not sure. Having never milked a moose, I imagine one must catch it in the right mood.


"Elementary: Pilot (#1.1)" (2012)
Dr. Joan Watson: [about an observation Holmes made about her father] How did you know he had an affair?
Sherlock Holmes: Google. Not everything is deducible.


"The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes: The Mazarin Stone (#1.5)" (1994)
[first lines]
Sherlock Holmes: Watson. What is the medical term for obsession? I feel, you see... that I must lay to rest a ghost, which has haunted me for some time. I shall be away for several weeks in the highlands. Meanwhile, your patients might be encouraged by seeing you more often at your consulting room.
Doctor Watson: What about Baker Street?
Sherlock Holmes: Poste restante, Diogenes Club and the irregulars. You know my methods. Oh, I shall be watching you... with my third eye.


Sherlock Holmes and the Baker Street Irregulars (2007) (TV)
Dr. Watson: This afternoon, a librarian showed me something quite remarkable. A machine that cross references cross references. A sort of engine for searching.
Sherlock Holmes: I like the sound of this.


"Elementary: The Deductionist (#1.14)" (2013)
[Holmes is dismissive of an FBI profiler assisting the investigation]
Dr. Joan Watson: Isn't profiling part of what you do?
Sherlock Holmes: I deduce. Enormous difference.


"Elementary: The Red Team (#1.13)" (2013)
Dr. Joan Watson: Oh, I didn't know you liked tortoises.
Sherlock Holmes: I love them. They make an absolutely delicious soup stock.