Lt. Theo Kojak
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Quotes for
Lt. Theo Kojak (Character)
from "Kojak" (1973)

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"Kojak: Web of Death (#1.2)" (1973)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Absolutely no way the killer could've gotten past you?
Ingram: Not through the front lobby, no, sir. Seven p.m to seven a.m. nobody enters or exits that I don't okay. Tradespeople, tenants, guests, everybody logs in and out. Everybody.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Seven to seven and no relief. You must have cement kidneys.

Detective Nick Ferro: [Ferro invites Kojak back home for a drink] Retsina okay?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Retsina? You gotta be kidding. You're actually holding?
Detective Nick Ferro: It's not exactly in big demand. Five years and I still have the same bottle you gave us for our housewarming. It doesn't spoil, does it?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [smiles] Spoil? You buy it rotten. You could drop a dead cat into it, it wouldn't make any difference.

Bartender: You know, a funny thing: some joker was in here a couple of weeks ago asking about the same blonde.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Can you describe him?
Bartender: [blows through his teeth] Hey, women I remember, dad, but, eh, men? Well they're, eh, they're just like suits and ties to me, you know?

Prince: [on phone] You can put my name at the top of your Christmas list. Guess what we found in the shower drain?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [on other line] A redhead... Prince, you're a pussycat.

Foster Bridges: Kojak... now that's some heavy, heavy necktie you got. I mean a cat on the loose would cop an awful lot of heavy, heavy trade with a tie like that.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Foster, you drive a hard bargain.
[starts to take off his tie to give it to Foster]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh, Frank, it hurts. I pinned the gold on him myself.
Capt. Frank McNeil: Theo, don't gouge yourself. He kept it polished.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hm-hm. Until last night...

Lt. Theo Kojak: What's the point? Where would you go? If the subway went to Outer Mongolia, I'd still come after you.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [Polichek explains how he found a dead body because of Victrola music playing loudly] Well it's not playing now.
Mr. Polichek: Ja, of course, I turned it off.
Lt. Theo Kojak: You shouldn't have done that, Mr. Polichek. Did you touch anything else?
Mr. Polichek: [nervous] Ja, ja, ja, of course, the doorknob.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Ferro] But I should worry, I got you and Olney on the job. I can take two weeks in the Catskills.
Dr. Agajanian: One week. Olneys been scratched. Of course it's a long time since I probed the vitals of a living person, but a first year med student could diagnose the fact that Detective Olney has a ruptured appendix.
Det. Olney: Sorry partner, I thought it was just a case of measles.

Detective Nick Ferro: Well then, eh, Bridges is our boy?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [sarcastic cuckle] Well he can't be in two places at once, can he? And one place we know he was when Forsyth was being killed, was in the Tombs, sweating out a B and E. But the gun wasn't at the tombs. And a piece doesn't care who uses it.


"Kojak: Requiem for a Cop (#1.6)" (1973)
Lt. Theo Kojak: I want the tax returns and bank statements on Donnelly for the past two years.
Det. Bobby Crocker: Lieutenant, it's Sunday.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well you make believe it's Friday! And have somebody at the bank agree with you.
Det. Bobby Crocker: Right on.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Geno] Well, you and Tom Donnelly have been partners for 12 years. I mean he'd eat a knish and you'd get heartburn.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Broen, come on. You'd bust your mothers arm in three places if she lost a subway token.
Broen: Your jokes are getting stale, Kojak. You need a fall guy. Don't go poking in my garbage. I'm alibied.
Lt. Theo Kojak: I know, you were out dedicating an orphanage, right?

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Broen] You just bought yourself a lifetime supply of insomnia. Now you get your fat carcass out of here before I book you for violating the ecology.

Capt. Frank McNeil: I should have listened to my mother. She wanted me to become a priest.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [laughs] Yeah, you would've been great in the confessional.
Capt. Frank McNeil: Bless you.

Lt. Theo Kojak: What have you got so far?
Det. Geno Alessi: He left the bar at 4.30 a.m. No, I think it was about 4.30 a.m. This was as far as he got. Stopped by an ice pick. A workman found him on his way to work. Didn't see anybody.
Lt. Theo Kojak: How 'bout that dude over there with the patent leather pompadour?
Det. Geno Alessi: A relative. He identified the body.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Where was he when the ice pick fell?

Lt. Theo Kojak: Sammy Moreno. Informant, bartender and Tommy's kid. Both of them three dollar bills.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [Sammy is crying] I'd be more impressed if I thought those tears were for your old man.

Det. Stavros: Wait a minute, Lieutenant, what is this? I'm not Donnelly's partner, Alessi is.
Lt. Theo Kojak: The hell you're not! When one man in this precinct comes under suspicion, the entire unit becomes Donnelly's partner. Now look, we got two days to polish his badge and ours. Because on Wednesday, the Internal Affairs shooflies, they're gonna be all over us like a groom on a honeymoon. And let me tell you something: we all better be virgins, or have a pretty good story.


"Kojak: Knockover (#1.4)" (1973)
Lt. Theo Kojak: [on payphone] Yeah, hello, Sergeant. I need a black evening dress. Now don't be a wise guy. Besides, I don't fit into a size 12. That's right, it's for the Commissioner, he fits.

Joannie Garrity: Where'd the dress come from?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Property. It was evidence in a wife-beating case. I don't know if she wouldn't put it on or wouldn't take it off. Women are funny.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Curcio] I ought to stick your mouth in the light socket.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh! Hi, cannon.
[picks up a gun off the ground]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hm. I think you and I have met before, cannon. Maybe on a ballistics report on my desk. Do you suppose?

Lt. Theo Kojak: It'll be morning in an hour. Before that, one of you is gonna start chirping. Did I say one of you? I'm gonna have a room full of canaries.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [holding a photograph of Leona and a man hiding behind a menu] Look at the john. He's being so bashful. I wonder why? Terminal acne, maybe?
Capt. Frank McNeil: [McNeil takes the photograph] Well, married men are sometimes camera-shy, have you noticed?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Frequently. Can you make out the name on the menu?
Capt. Frank McNeil: No, but then I can't even read the top line on an eye chart any more.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Tell me about it.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Como estais, amigo? Como estais?
Det. Gomez: Muy bien. That's pretty good, lieutenant. You know, what you ought to do is get yourself a nice Spanish-speaking girl. It'll help you with the important words.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey, take it from me, sonny, for the important things you don't need words.

Joannie Garrity: What happened to that old timing I hear you brag about?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh, well you see, eh, there was a bar mitzvah on the roof garden and it drew a cast of thousands.


"Kojak: Cop in a Cage (#1.10)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: If I ever see you near me or any of my family I'm gonna scatter your brains from here to White Plains, sweetheart.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Now look, two things I want you to remember, kiddo. Number one: you're marrying my favorite niece.
Eugene: Right.
Lt. Theo Kojak: And number two: my favorite niece's favorite uncle is a cop.
Eugene: Hey, I won't forget that, sir.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Yeah, 'sir'. You can cool the 'sir', because next week at this time, you'll be crying uncle. Get used to it, 'cause that's what you'll be calling me.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Gloria] You stop talking to me like a john or I'll take my lollipop away.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Tweet, tweet, baby. I'm a cop in a cage.

Sophie: [on phone] Theo? This is Sophie. Yeah, the nerve-wracked mother.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [on other line] Yeah Sophie, what is it?
Sophie: What it is, is a rehearsal in an hour. You coming?
Lt. Theo Kojak: This afternoon? Hey look, if they can pretend they're getting married, can't they pretend I'm there?

Lt. Theo Kojak: Now you listen good, yo-yo. Because I'm gonna tell you something for every cop that's ever had to live under a threat from a punk like you. You know, maybe sometime when you're an old man, you'll be thinking about getting out. Ah, don't think anything about getting even. I want you to think about me. Because, if by some remote possibility you get out, there's gonna be a little 150-year old man waiting for you. And that little old man will be me.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Ah, that sounds like a threat, Cinderella. Now, assume the position. Turn around.


"Kojak: One for the Morgue (#1.3)" (1973)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Make it one for the hospital... and one for the morgue.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Here, get your hat and coat. We just got a break.
Det. Bobby Crocker: [off screen] An arm or a leg?
Lt. Theo Kojak: A neck: Cleveland's.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Come on, hug the wall like it's your mother.

Ferret Face: Ah, come on. You keep breaking us left and right and I ain't heard nothing on Tomasso.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well maybe's he's clean.
Ferret Face: Maybe the pope smokes grass.

Mitch: Hey man, you know where it's at. I finger Tomasso, I'm a dead man in 24 hours.
Lt. Theo Kojak: What are you talking about?
[walks over to Mitch]
Lt. Theo Kojak: We'll give you protection.
Mitch: Ain't no such thing. That cat would get me if I was dead and buried in the ground.

Lt. Theo Kojak: A black counsel in a white mob? You can bet your tuckus it's interesting.


"Kojak: Dark Sunday (#1.8)" (1973)
Capt. Frank McNeil: When I was in school my grandmother died six times; always during the World Series.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh yeah? We all had the same grandmother.

Lt. Theo Kojak: It's coming off tonight.
Det. Bobby Crocker: What is?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Eh... Pick a card, any card.

Det. Bobby Crocker: Hey, what's with the lollypops?
Lt. Theo Kojak: I'm looking to close the generation gap. Get outa here!

Lt. Theo Kojak: For your information, sonny boy, most Americans don't have a yellow sheet.
Det. Bobby Crocker: Thank you, would you keep reminding me, Lieutenant, it's my only hook into reality.

Lt. Theo Kojak: I give you this week's mystery map. You solve the riddle, you win a two-week trip to, eh, well, where do you wanna go?
Capt. Frank McNeil: Home!
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hm-hm. Why do I always yawn on Saturdays?

Lt. Theo Kojak: If I'm wrong, well, that's the way the baklava crumbles.


"Kojak: Death Is Not a Passing Grade (#1.13)" (1974)
Det. Gomez: [a pen with Kojak's name on it is found at a crime scene] Did you drop it?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [sarcastic] Yeah, but I can't remember whether I dropped it before or after I broke into the safe!

Delta: You are a really patient man, you know.
[kisses Kojak on the cheek]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey eh, how come you talk so slow with your patient man and you kiss so fast?
Delta: Oh, I don't always, do I?

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Delta] And besides, with that lavender nightgown I saw you buy last week, you don't need an education, you need protection.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [to cab driver] If anybody asks you where you took me, you tell them.
Cabbie: Right.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Don't make it easy, have them pay you for it.


"Kojak: Girl in the River (#1.5)" (1973)
Lt. Theo Kojak: [to Crocker] Hey look, I know you haven't slept in a couple of nights, okay, but you stick with it. We gotta get this jellybean off the streets before he empties them.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Do you know your blood type?
Ted Strong: Yeah. Type O.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Type O, that's a nice color.

Lt. Theo Kojak: You know, any man that can put so much violence and sex into a piece of stone, he doesn't have to violate flesh. He gets his kicks with his hammer and chisel.
Capt. Frank McNeil: The Commissioner's gonna violate you with a hammer and chisel if we don't tie a can on this.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [the Excalibur killer has been caught, but Kojak thinks he's a phoney] Oh, you didn't see him, Mac. He looked like yesterday's newspaper puy in a garbage can and thrown away. The only way a guy like that can get into a singles bar is with a cannon.


"Kojak: Marker to a Dead Bookie (#1.11)" (1974)
Ruth Gardner: Theo, tell me something. in that little black book of yours, am I in ink or in pencil?
Lt. Theo Kojak: God, I got you written in ink and underlined in blood.
[kisses her hand]

Lt. Theo Kojak: And as for you, sonny, you go back to the Okefenokees and the alligators. You're not ready for the big time. I deal with Janis or I don't deal.

Lt. Theo Kojak: I'd go through the hell and pain of the last 19 years twice a day to nail a crud like Janis!

Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] When I was a kid on the East Side, we used to go fishing in the East river to see who could catch the ugliest thing. Look at me, I got first prize. I got me a dead East Side gorilla.


"Kojak: Dead on His Feet (#1.18)" (1974)
Kojak: Hey, Benny, if it wasn't for you, Eddie Ryan would've had as much razzle-dazzle as a wet firecracker.
[stands up]
Detective Benny Furore: Is that what you think? Is that what you think Eddy Ryan was like? A grandstander? Well let me tell you something: Eddie Ryan had more guts than anyone on this island. What do you think got him killed?
Kojak: Dumb got him killed. Dead is not guts. Dead is dumb.

Kojak: [dripping with sarcasm] Hey look, Deidre, I'm sorry I missed your coming out party. I hear you were crowned Miss Sillicone, is that right?
Solly DeChico: Hey, Kojak, did you come here to break in a nightclub act or was there something special you wanted?
Kojak: Hey, Counselor, you tell your client to have his mouth behave, or he's a prime candidate for a get well card.
Solly DeChico: [raises voice] He threatened me! You heard that, he threatened me!
Kojak: Greeks, they don't threaten. They utter prophecies.

Kojak: In the alley you couldn't see anything. And the alley was so dark you couldn't find your mouth with a $5 pizza.

Kojak: [Benny shows up to work wearing outlandish clothes] What's the gag?
Detective Benny Furore: What do you mean, what's the gag? You told me you wanted me to change my image.
Kojak: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. So if I asked you to lose some weight, what would you do, cut off your left arm? You're three hours late and you show up looking like Zsa Zsa Gabor's Christmas tree!


"Kojak: Last Rites for a Dead Priest (#1.12)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: You know Chubby, he's a dynamite talker. He could sell aluminium siding to a steel foundry.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Toot-toot, kinda cute.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [on phone] Is that a fact, Officer Berkowitz? Aha. Yeah, well, Officer Berkowitz, by all means, drop it by. No, no, no, no, I wanna sign for this little package myself. And what was that name again, Officer Berkowitz? Aha, got it. And, eh, thank you, Officer Berkowitz. Hm-hm.
[hangs up]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Who whould a - That was Officer Berkowitz.

Vince: Hey, let me put it to you, Lieutenant. Do I look like the kind of a man who would keep company with a priest, huh?
[snickers]
Sgt. Al Vine: You'll be keeping company with the chaplain up at Sing-Sing for the next 20 or 30 years if you don't open up.
Vince: On an armed robbery rap?
[laughs in his face]
Lt. Theo Kojak: [laughing as well] As an accessory to murder, coochy-coo.


"Kojak: Mojo (#1.20)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: You know why you're here, Marty?
Marty: Yeah. Sometimes I black out.
Lt. Theo Kojak: You OD'd, baby!

Lt. Theo Kojak: Yeah, mojo, morphine, Mephistopheles, pins and needles, eeh... cubes, Aunt Emma. There are a dozen street names for it.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Look, a stick-up man is a stick-up man. A robber is a robber and a hijacker is a hijacker. That's what they do: the rob, they steal and they hijack. They don't peddle morphine on the streets!
Capt. Frank McNeil: Maybe they sold the whole load, split. Maybe the idea of sending in a chemist spooked them.
Lt. Theo Kojak: And maybe they give away door prizes at the tombs.

Lt. Theo Kojak: I see you got a new plant.
Det. Stavros: Yeah. Shirley's lonely.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh really? Eh, tell me, how could you tell?
Det. Stavros: Well, her leaves are drooping down. And, eh, she's not her same gay, vibrant, effervescent, ebullent self.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Ebullent self, huh? Well, she might have, eh, heartburn. Did you ever think of that?
Det. Stavros: That's why I got Sam.


"Kojak: Before the Devil Knows (#1.17)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey, does Ginger Rogers fall over Fred Astaire's feet, huh? These two twinkle-toes could get up on the Goodyear Blimp in flight, get down without mussing any hair.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Neil Packman. He's a machine, Crocker. You put the money in the slot, out comes the bodies. Cops, racketeers, husbands, wives, kids, he'll kill anything.

Lt. Theo Kojak: [hands Crocker a used lollipop] Here, put this out some place.

Lt. Theo Kojak: And then it's gonna be happily ever after, you know, 'once upon a time' like the fairy tales.


"Kojak: The Only Way Out (#1.22)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Eh, how'd you like to take a ride in a police car, David? Come on, I'll drop you off at school.
David Hecht: On Saturday?
Lt. Theo Kojak: You got me.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Does your pop have a secretary?
David Hecht: Yeah, he talks about her almost every night.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh yeah? What does he say?
David Hecht: That dumb Miss Rosenberg, I wish I had the guts to fire her.

Mark Gallant: [in Gallant's expensive office] Would you like some coffee?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Love it. Black, no sugar, in a paper cup if possible.


Kojak Budapesten (1980)
Reporter: Excuse me, how did you found out that those banker was killed with an icicle?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Sir, I think you're mistaken me with that raincoat Lieutenant.
Reporter: Oh, pardon.

Girl: Never told you anyone sir, that you look very much like Kojak?
Lt. Theo Kojak: No.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Stavros will be so jealous that his hair will get straight, if I tell him about this crazy chick.


"Kojak: Die Before They Wake (#1.14)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, that arm looks pretty clean to me.
Cheryl Pope: [sighs] Yeah, but you've always got those little freckles to show that you had to fight with the monkey.

Spencer Galen: Of course, I can't keep track of all my investments. In fact, I'd forgotten that I'd agreed to finance a film.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh, I see, two martinis, and someone talks you into making these, eh, Fench postcards that move, huh?

Cheryl Pope: It's all over, isn't it, Lieutenant?
Lt. Theo Kojak: It's never over. Oh, maybe we slow down the merry-go-round a little bit. But then some creep comes along and starts it all up again.
Cheryl Pope: Then why bother?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [spits on the ground and coffs] I don't know. Maybe some good kid gets a chance to jump off that slow merry-go-round?


"Kojak: Conspiracy of Fear (#1.9)" (1973)
Waiter: Good evening, do you have an invitation?
Lt. Theo Kojak: [smiles] Oh, Fast Feeney. You've lost a lot of weight.
Waiter: Why don't you send yourself up, Kojak? You could use a Sing Sing slimming.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] Well, you're gonna get five more years for that.

Capt. Frank McNeil: [to Kojak] Where do you get the 14-carat chutzpah to talk to an elected official like that, and in front of a dozen witnesses?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey look, Mac, uh, I'm onto something...
Capt. Frank McNeil: Oh, you're onto something? You'll be into men's ready-wear if Murchison has his way.

Fowler: Lieutenant, line two.
Lt. Theo Kojak: I told you not to interrupt me unless it was important. Is it a broad?


"Kojak: Eighteen Hours of Fear (#1.16)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: We could save ourselves a plethora of surprises.
Det. Bobby Crocker: What the hell is plethora?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Follow me. We'll get a library card.

Det. Stavros: You want him picked up?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, I'd prefer him six foot under, but I'd settle for a pickup.

Lt. Theo Kojak: The killer's got a 20 minute head start on us. How many homicides do you need? And you wanna wait for Forensic?


"Kojak: On the Edge (#3.16)" (1976)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Let's lay it out, shall we, Mr. Ballantine? Park Avenue posh splendor, but scrape off the glitter and what have we got here? We got a sewer, baby, where scum like Delman float in because you can tip them when salesmen are in town.

Capt. Frank McNeil: Keep a man on a case who's a candidate for a rubber gun squad? I'm sorry, Theo, I don't see it.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Y'know something, Frank? Take a look at the people we have working for us on the streets - stoolies, hookers, cons, like that. Let's at least give a cop pressing too hard the same chance to help us hang this case together, 'right?

Lt. Theo Kojak: While he's stalling we can be thinking. You know how to do it? You know that thing on top of your neck? You press your nose and a light goes on and you're Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!


"Kojak: Siege of Terror (#1.1)" (1973)
Calvelli: Any chance of getting outta here?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Sure.
Calvelli: Yeah, and the devil serves lemonade, right?

Lt. Theo Kojak: [Officer Calvelli has been shot] I'm gonna try and get a doctor in.
Calvelli: Oh, geez, it hurts.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Now you start to worry when it stops hurting.

Jack Murzie: That's your goof, Kojak! I warned you: the first bullet's got your name on it.
Lt. Theo Kojak: I told you we needed more time.
Jack Murzie: Pass me a hankerchief, I cry easy.


"Kojak: Hush Now, Don't You Die (#2.3)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: The first police department was opened to protect women and here it is 25,000 years later and we can't even do that.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Mr. Conforti, you killing John Campbell is not going to put 'Home Sweet Home' back on the wall, you know that, don't you? And doesn't Janet have enough already to forget?


"Kojak: Down a Long and Lonely River (#1.19)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey look, kid, I'm gonna talk to you like a father
[laughs]
Lt. Theo Kojak: And I never even put my arms around your mother.

Lt. Theo Kojak: You tell these G-men that they're obstructing justice and I want DeLuca down here! Otherwise I'll bust these Feds for their funny haircuts!


"Kojak: The Corrupter (#1.7)" (1973)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Go on, up against the wall. All of you.
[McGreggor doesn't move]
Lt. Theo Kojak: In, eh, including you, Fumbles. Go.
McGregor: Me? Why?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Because you got dishpan hands. Move!

Lt. Theo Kojak: It seems to me they had an observation report a couple of weeks ago on the... Lumpjaws, and a few of the other fences.
Det. Bobby Crocker: It's probably in the round file. Nobody ever looks there.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, ask Bannerman, he saves string.


"Kojak: Deliver Us Some Evil (#1.15)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: What are you doing?
Det. Stavros: T.L.C., eh, Tender Loving Care for my new plant.
Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh. Well, could you put a little TLC into a list of every burglary in eh, in the last two years?

Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] You're trying to convince me that the story you're telling is not a beautifully engraved $3 bill.


"Kojak: Cross Your Heart and Hope to Die (#2.13)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well you see Captain, not every suspect is a villain, and on he other hand, not every witness is a hero, as offered up by that great Greek philosopher, Larry Csonka.

Lt. Theo Kojak: Here. try one of these.
[Hands Dr. Kirk a lollipop]
Lt. Theo Kojak: You a nervous wreck.


"Kojak: Slay Ride (#2.6)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: [while talking about the first death] Yea, the usual not-so-hot-time-in-the-old-town-tonight. What time did he go off?
Det. Stavros: According to the medical examiner the time of of the subject's death was between one and two A.M. in the morning. Constant use of alcohol is indicated by hyperemia and irritative elements in the digestive tract mucosa.
Lt. Theo Kojak: You're kidding.
Det. Stavros: Blood sugar concentration at the time of decease was 35 per cent.
Lt. Theo Kojak: 35 per cent? Where's the decimal point?
Det. Stavros: Right here in front of the "3".
Lt. Theo Kojak: In front of the three?
[to Crocker]
Lt. Theo Kojak: Would you tell him what the difference between 35 per cent is and point thirty five, oh, forget about it.


Kojak: The Price of Justice (1987) (TV)
Kojak: ...and now you'll wonder how it might have been, if, maybe on a rainy night back along the line, you'd happened to duck into Keeler's bar... and she'd been there.


"Kojak: Therapy in Dynamite (#1.21)" (1974)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Well don't give me that fishy look, Doctor. You just got a nicer job than we do!


"Kojak: The Marcus-Nelson Murders (#1.0)" (1973)
Lt. Theo Kojak: I remember the first time I walked the beat. I felt we were doing the most wonderful job in the world. I thought of us as watchers of the city, protecting what was best in it. Some people say the community gets the police force it deserves. I say the police force is the community.


"Kojak: Money Back Guarantee (#3.12)" (1975)
Mr. Roberts: [Hears scratching at the front door] Sounds like a cat.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [Roberts opens the door to find Kojak] Umm... Meow, baby.


"Kojak: The Chinatown Murders: Part 1 (#2.1)" (1974)
Mrs. Giancana: [after accusing her husband of being involved in loan sharking] Excuse me Lieutenant, I hope I'm mistaken. Surely you aren't suggesting that my husband is a usurer?
Lt. Theo Kojak: Mrs. Giancana, I'd rather take up basket weaving.
Mrs. Giancana: Louis Giancana is a respected and respectable furniture manufacturer. He's also a fund raiser for over a dozen charities, a devout Church goer and a father. He's also veteran of the Korean War with a Good Conduct Medal and a 10% disability pension. And you would malign a man like that with your shabby innuendoes!
Lt. Theo Kojak: [Sarcastically] Me? A soldier with a Good Conduct Medal? Never!


"Kojak: Birthday Party (#4.1)" (1976)
Lt. Theo Kojak: CROCKER! Make a note. I want this joint busted often, and I want it busted HARD!
[storms out of the nightclub]
Nightclub Manager: Why is he so mad?
Det. Bobby Crocker: Because you didn't tell him what he wanted to hear.


"Kojak: Case Without a File (#5.11)" (1977)
Donna Socrates: Now if you need anything else...
Lt. Theo Kojak: I know, I saw the picture. Just pucker up and whistle , right?


"Kojak: The Frame (#3.20)" (1976)
Bernheim: Lt. Kojak will now be advised of his rights.
Capt. Frank McNeil: Hey, wait a minute, hold on. We're down here to talk to you about a case. You've got this set up like an inquisition.
Bernheim: I'm taking a formal statement.
Capt. Frank McNeil: You haven't even told us what this is about, officially.
Bernheim: It's about the shaking down of a suspect - on the record!
Lt. Theo Kojak: Let it go, Frank. Let's hear him.
Capt. Frank McNeil: No way! If he want to play this game you come back here with a lawyer. He's setting you up! Now let's get out of here.
Bernheim: If you refuse to give me a statement I'm turning this over to Internal Affairs.
Lt. Theo Kojak: I'll give you a statement: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of... hogwash.


"Kojak: Loser Takes All (#2.15)" (1974)
Capt. Frank McNeil: And what the hell, might I ask, are you doing here?
Lt. Theo Kojak: C'mon, will ya Frank. You think I'd be here if the police surgeon didn't think I was all right?
Capt. Frank McNeil: You were shot, Theo.
Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] My hero. C'mon, I've hurt myself worse opening a can of soup.


"Kojak: Monkey on a String (#4.21)" (1977)
Lt. Theo Kojak: He's gotta about as much business playing poker as I've got entering a Marty Allen look-alike contest.


"Kojak: Both Sides of the Law (#3.23)" (1976)
Lt. Theo Kojak: Frank, I got it. Here, look.
[Without explanation, he holds up his handkerchief and sets it on fire]
Capt. Frank McNeil: [Dryly] Ah, yeah - handkerchief flambé. "Are you under a strain, Theo?" "No, Captain. I'm fine."