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[Chester is meeting Mary at a restaurant
: I got here as quickly as I could. Is something wrong? How's Danny? Mary
: He needs a kidney. Chester
: Kidney? You're kidding. Mary
: Chester, would I kid about a kidney? They won't take one of mine. Chester
: Why? Mary
: They're not good enough. Chester
: Ohh... how about Jodie? Mary
: No. Chester
: You could run an ad. Mary
: He needs the kidney of a blood relative. Chester
: Well, if you're out and Jodie's out, what are you going to do? Mary
: He needs your kidney, Chester. Chester
] Well, Mary, I'd be delighted to. I'd give him one is a shot, but I'm hardly a blood relative. Mary
: Yes, you are. Chester
: No, Mary. I'm his uncle. Mary
: No, you're not. You're his father.
[Chester is shocked
: Yeah, Chester. Before you married Jessica, remember? Chester
: Are you kidding? Mary
: No. Chester
: Mary... that was one time. Mary
: No, Chester, it was two weeks. Every night. Chester
: Two weeks, every night?
: Boy, those were the days. I wish I could do half that now, even a quarter.
[Chester has just found out that Danny is his son
: Mary, why didn't you ever tell me? Mary
: I didn't know. Chester
: For twenty-eight years?
: I feel kind of funny discussing out marital problems with a minister. Chester
: I feel funny discussing it with anybody. Jessica
: Of course, it would be worse if it were a priest. Well, it would be like discussing a film with a blind man. A rabbi would be nice, they seem very wise. But I suppose you have to be Jewish. I wonder which religion does the biggest business in this sort of thing.
[on Chester's chronic infidelity
: I see this sort of problem a lot. It seems to be going around. I think part of the reason is that there are no more Indians. Chester
: I beg your pardon? Minister
: You see, in the olden days, we had Indians to worry about. Where were the Indians? Were the Indians surrounding us? Were the Indians angry Indians? Did the Indians want our horses? Nobody fooled around because you couldn't relax long enough. Now, we've got no more Indians. Jessica
: I see. Minister
: The best marriages were in the Apache territory, because those were the worst Indians. Hostiles without, no hostility within. We have a lot to thank the Indians for: happy marriages, nice beadwork. Jessica
: What do we do now that there are no more Indians? Minister
: Aggravate some other group, maybe.
: So, what you're saying is it'll be a difficult case. Mr. Franklin
: Mr. Tate... Clarence Darrow in his prime, arguing this case against a mute prosecutor with a jury of Mrs. Tate's relatives, with you sitting as the judge, could not possibly hope to win!
[Following his brain surgery, Chester is having severe memory problems
: It's all lost to me. My past, my future... it's all gone! I try. I try so hard to remember. I can't. I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon, you'll have me put away. You've all been so good to me. I must have been some guy to have such a beautiful bunch of people love me the way you do. Jessica
: Chester. Chester
: It's agony. To know I have a wonderful son and daughters and a wife and not know who they are. Sometimes, I swear... it's almost too much to bear. Jessica
: Oh, Chester. I just know that someday you'll remember. Chester
: Remember what?
Chief of Police Tinkler
: [Pointing at Benson
] He's a suspect. Chester Tate
: Why? Chief of Police Tinkler
: Well, for two reasons. Number 1, because he's black. Benson
] That's fair.
[Jessica has found out she's going to die
: Chester, I think I'd like to wear my light green gown. Now, I know I look best in white lace, but I think it's kind of crazy to wear white when you're gonna have to wear it forever. And see, I don't know if there's a dry cleaner's in Heaven and I really want to look nice when the gentlemen come to call. Chester
: Gentlemen? Jess, aren't you gonna wait? Jessica
: For what? Chester
: For me. Jessica
: Chester, you might never get there.
[Chester nods in agreement
: Aunt Jessie? Jessica
: Yes, what? Danny
: Do you think our family's crazy? The Major
: Hit the dirt everybody!
[grabs a pineapple from a bowl of fruit
] The Major
: It's a grenade!
[throws it through the window and dives to the floor
: Major, look what you've done.
: [looks out the window
] The gas main they were working on down the street; it blew up. Jessica
: Thank goodness, I thought it was the pineapple. Danny, what was your question? Danny
: Never mind.
: [after tasting his coffee
] Benson! Did you put sugar in this? Benson DuBois
: Is it sweet? Chester Tate
: Very! Benson DuBois
: Then I guess I did. Chester Tate
: Benson, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm a diabetic, I can't have sugar. Benson DuBois
: Oh, I keep thinking it's salt you can't have. Chester Tate
: I can't have salt either, Benson. Benson DuBois
: [pointing at the coffee cup
] Ain't no salt in there.
Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Dad! Burt Campbell
: Peter! Corinne Tate
: Peter? Jessica Tate
: Peter? Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Corrine? Jessica Tate
: Corrine? Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Jessica? Corinne Tate
: Mother? Burt Campbell
: Corrine. Jessica. Mary Campbell
: Oh My God! Chester Tate
: Jessica? Jessica Tate
: Peter! Corinne Tate
: Mother? Jodie Dallas
: We really must replace Benson quickly. Jessica Tate
: Well darling, I am trying. I've interviewed several people, but you see, those that cook don't clean and those that clean don't speak any identifiable language.
[Billy is depressed about being dumped by his girlfriend
] Chester Tate
: Billy, let me tell you a story. During the war, this guy Herbie and I became friends. Well, Herbie fell in love with a wonderful Italian girl, Carla. Thinking of Carla is what got him through the war. Well, Carla died and Herbie nearly fell apart. He stayed in, drank; I've never seen anyone so miserable. And then one day, Herbie came to me and he said "Chet, life must go on." And Herbie went on. A few years later, he fell in love with another woman, married her and they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon and she ran off with a steel band. But Herbie went on. He married again and this time, at the wedding reception, his bride left him for the caterer. But still, Herbie went on. His next wife ran off with his partner who ran off with his business. But still, Herbie went on. Because you see, Billy, he knew that there's a whole world out there. He knew that somewhere, around some corner, he would find happiness. Billy Tate
: Wow, I feel like a jerk. Look at Herbie, a lifetime of disasters. I had a week with a thirteen-year-old shrimp who lisps and I'm gonna throw my life away? Thanks, dad. Chester Tate
: Good boy, I'll see you at breakfast.
[starts to leave
] Billy Tate
: Hey dad, where's Herbie now? Chester Tate
: Oh, he's in a mental institution. Billy Tate
: What? Chester Tate
: Yes, he just sits in the corner, talks in numbers and makes lovely baskets. Billy Tate
: But, I thought he always goes on. Chester Tate
: Oh Billy, please, there's just so much "going on" that a man can do.
[the Tates are discussing how to rescue Billy from a cult when a suddenly lucid Major demands the floor
] The Major
: Now I know sometimes you don't like to listen to me and sometimes, I can understand why, but you must all listen to me now. Chester
: Major... The Major
: Shut up.
[opens a box of medals
] The Major
: Now look here: this is the Silver Star, it was presented to me by Gen. Patton. This is a Bronze Star, I earned two of them. And this is the Purple Heart, Harry Truman pinned that on me himself. Now, I know you think I'm a foolish old man and sometimes I am, but that's my grandson in there. I got all these because I was a good soldier, I still am. I can get him out, I can do it! So you all had better listen to this old fool. Because that's our little boy. Jessica
: All right daddy, we're listening. Chester
: Go ahead, sir. Tell us your plan. The Major
: What plan?