Mary Campbell
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Quotes for
Mary Campbell (Character)
from "Soap" (1977)

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"Soap: Episode #4.12" (1981)
[Chester is meeting Mary at a restaurant]
Chester: I got here as quickly as I could. Is something wrong? How's Danny?
Mary: He needs a kidney.
Chester: Kidney? You're kidding.
Mary: Chester, would I kid about a kidney? They won't take one of mine.
Chester: Why?
Mary: They're not good enough.
Chester: Ohh... how about Jodie?
Mary: No.
Chester: You could run an ad.
Mary: He needs the kidney of a blood relative.
Chester: Well, if you're out and Jodie's out, what are you going to do?
Mary: He needs your kidney, Chester.
Chester: [chuckles] Well, Mary, I'd be delighted to. I'd give him one is a shot, but I'm hardly a blood relative.
Mary: Yes, you are.
Chester: No, Mary. I'm his uncle.
Mary: No, you're not. You're his father.
[Chester is shocked]
Mary: Yeah, Chester. Before you married Jessica, remember?
Chester: Are you kidding?
Mary: No.
Chester: Mary... that was one time.
Mary: No, Chester, it was two weeks. Every night.
Chester: Two weeks, every night?
Chester: Boy, those were the days. I wish I could do half that now, even a quarter.

[Chester has just found out that Danny is his son]
Chester: Mary, why didn't you ever tell me?
Mary: I didn't know.
Chester: For twenty-eight years?

"Soap: Episode #4.11" (1981)
[the doctor has come with Danny's test results]
Dr. Saxon: The bullets passed through both kidneys.
Mary: Oh my god.
Dr. Saxon: We can't save either one. Now we'll put him on a life-support machine for now, but...
Mary: He needs another kidney. Is that what you're trying to say?
Gwen: Mine. Take mine. Take both of mine, I don't need 'em! He already has my heart, my soul; he can have my kidneys, my lungs, whatever you need, just take it!
Burt: Doc, I've got great kidneys. I want Danny to have my kidney.
Dr. Saxon: Burt, it can't be just anyone's kidney.
Burt: It's not just *anyone's* kidney, it *my* kidney. And it's a great kidney, I take good care of it.
Chuck: I'd give him a kidney, but I've only got one.
Bob: [drunkenly] Okay, all right. I'll give him the kidney.
Burt: Bob, will you please? You can't give anyone an organ. What are you talking about?
Chuck: Especially a kidney.
Bob: I know... All right, I admit it! I'm an alcoholic!

Dr. Saxon: We can keep him on a dialysis machine for a while, but eventually, we'll have to have a donor with his exact blood and tissue type.
Jodie: Doc, what you mean is the donor has to be a blood relative.
Dr. Saxon: Yes.
Mary: That's me, I'll do it.
Jodie: No, ma, I'll give him one of mine.
Mary: No, Jodie. I'll do it. You can start the procedures any time.
Dr. Saxon: Actually, Mary, Jodie's kidneys would really be...
Mary: Danny is my son. I'll do it.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Burt: Mare, I know we all want to contribute here, but...
Mary: Why is everyone ganging up on me?
Burt: Mare, please... nobody's ganging up.
Mary: I'll do it and that's that!
Dr. Saxon: Mary, let me say something to you. I've been your doctor for a long time. Your kidneys are fine and they'll last you all your life, but you need both of them. And even if you could conceivably function with only one, it wouldn't be strong enough to support Danny. Medically, you're an unsuitable donor. I'm sorry. Jodie, if you're agreeable, well start running some tests now.
Mary: Excuse me. Would you all please leave me alone with Jodie for a moment?
[everyone but Mary and Jodie leave]
Jodie: Okay, ma. What is it?
Mary: You can't give Danny your kidney.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Mary: No, you're not.
Jodie: What?
Mary: Jodie, you and Danny are not brothers.
Jodie: But we have the same mother.
Mary: Oh, yes. Yes.
Jodie: But we don't have the same father?
[Mary looks at Jodie gravely]

"Soap: Episode #2.22" (1979)
Mary Campbell: The Devil isn't here because of you. He's here in spite of you.

[Corinne is worried about her possessed baby]
Corinne: He's here because of me.
Jessica: Don't be silly, Corinne, the devil doesn't even know you.
Corinne: It's all my fault. He's here because of me, because I slept with everyone in town.
Mary: Oh Corinne, please. First of all, you did not sleep with everyone in town.
Corinne: Yes, I did.
Jessica: Oh, please. Did you sleep with the mayor?
Mary: Yeah.
Jessica, Mary: You slept with the mayor?
Jessica: [disgusted] Oh my goodness, the mayor. I voted for him.
Mary: I told you not to vote for him. I told you to vote for Swanson.
Corinne: I slept with him, too.
Mary: You did?
Corinne: Believe me, the best man won.

"Soap: Episode #1.17" (1978)
Jodie Dallas: Mom, last night he told me that sometimes he thinks he's invisible.
Mary Campbell: He was joking with you. Invisible!
Jodie Dallas: He was serious, Mom! He told me that sometimes he can walk through a room and nobody sees him. He says it helps him greatly with his detective work!

"Soap: Episode #3.20" (1980)
[Burt has just received the election recount results]
Burt: Prentiss got caught stuffing the ballot boxes, so I won, I am the sheriff.
[everyone congratulates Burt]
Danny: How 'bout that? Sheriff. And I get to be deputy, right Burt? Me, deputy, me. Please?
Bob: I'm gonna be the deputy.
Danny: You are not.
Bob: Am too.
[Danny and Bob argue before Mary breaks it up]
Mary: Burt, what's the matter?
Burt: Well, it's Prentiss, he won't give up the office. Yeah, he's holed up in the armory with enough weapons to quality as a third world nation. He says he will not be taken alive and my first assignment is to take him.
Danny: Let's go get him.
Burt: Danny, this Prentiss, he won gold medals for marksmanship and he is now in a fortified stone building.
Bob: On second thought, I don't want to be deputy.

"Soap: Episode #4.1" (1980)
[Mary has just woken up after giving birth to what she is afraid might be a half-alien baby]
Mary: Did I?
Jodie: You did.
Chuck: Congratulations
Mary: What color is it?
Bob: Well, is there something you'd like to tell us?
Jodie: We're not sure yet.
Bob: That's not usually the first question.
Chuck: Bob...
Bob: That's not usually the *twelfth* question!

"Soap: Episode #2.15" (1979)
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: It's pornography.
Jessica Gatling Tate: Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!

"Soap: Episode #2.7" (1978)
Mary: What's been going on with you three?
Jessica: Well, Eunice is depressed and Corinne is depressed and I was just debating whether or not to join them.
Mary: Sounds like fun.
Jessica: Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately. I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still.
Corinne: I don't think you're depressed, ma. I think you're horny.

"Soap: Episode #1.2" (1977)
Peter 'The Tennis Player': Dad!
Burt Campbell: Peter!
Corinne Tate: Peter?
Jessica Tate: Peter?
Peter 'The Tennis Player': Corrine?
Jessica Tate: Corrine?
Peter 'The Tennis Player': Jessica?
Corinne Tate: Mother?
Burt Campbell: Corrine. Jessica.
Mary Campbell: Oh My God!
Chester Tate: Jessica?
Jessica Tate: Peter!
Corinne Tate: Mother?
Jodie Dallas: Peter!