Burt Campbell
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Quotes for
Burt Campbell (Character)
from "Soap" (1977)

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"Soap: Episode #2.16" (1979)
[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]
Burt: Life plays funny tricks.
Bob: [to Chuck] Oh, god, he's gonna make a speech. Spare me, please.
Danny: Don't mind him, Burt, he's drunk.
Burt: You see, what happens in life is this: Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, god! Look at This bad thins that just happened to me." Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft! That was a surprise. I mean, two bad thing in a row, but I guess that's it for a while, 'cause I just had my quota of bad." And then what happens is that some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft! Well, that's it. I mean there's nothing else that can happen now. I lost everything!" And then, life plays its "funny trick"... you die.
Danny: Life is unfair to do that!

[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]
Jodie: I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.
[Burt and Danny laugh]
Burt: What do you mean "I never throw up"?
Jodie: I *never* throw up!
Burt: [laughs] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up."
Danny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up.
Jodie: Oh, yeah?
Danny: Yeah!
Jodie: Okay. Take your best shot.
Danny: Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth...
Bob: [revolted] Stop! Stop!
Danny: I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver...
Jodie: Get me a spoon.
Danny: And it's out in the hot sun...
Jodie: Oh, I love it.
Danny: And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it.
Bob: [gagging] Oh, god! Stop!
Jodie: See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag.
Danny: I'll stick my fingers down your throat.

"Soap: Episode #4.11" (1981)
[the doctor has come with Danny's test results]
Dr. Saxon: The bullets passed through both kidneys.
Mary: Oh my god.
Dr. Saxon: We can't save either one. Now we'll put him on a life-support machine for now, but...
Mary: He needs another kidney. Is that what you're trying to say?
Gwen: Mine. Take mine. Take both of mine, I don't need 'em! He already has my heart, my soul; he can have my kidneys, my lungs, whatever you need, just take it!
Burt: Doc, I've got great kidneys. I want Danny to have my kidney.
Dr. Saxon: Burt, it can't be just anyone's kidney.
Burt: It's not just *anyone's* kidney, it *my* kidney. And it's a great kidney, I take good care of it.
Chuck: I'd give him a kidney, but I've only got one.
Bob: [drunkenly] Okay, all right. I'll give him the kidney.
Burt: Bob, will you please? You can't give anyone an organ. What are you talking about?
Chuck: Especially a kidney.
Bob: I know... All right, I admit it! I'm an alcoholic!

Dr. Saxon: We can keep him on a dialysis machine for a while, but eventually, we'll have to have a donor with his exact blood and tissue type.
Jodie: Doc, what you mean is the donor has to be a blood relative.
Dr. Saxon: Yes.
Mary: That's me, I'll do it.
Jodie: No, ma, I'll give him one of mine.
Mary: No, Jodie. I'll do it. You can start the procedures any time.
Dr. Saxon: Actually, Mary, Jodie's kidneys would really be...
Mary: Danny is my son. I'll do it.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Burt: Mare, I know we all want to contribute here, but...
Mary: Why is everyone ganging up on me?
Burt: Mare, please... nobody's ganging up.
Mary: I'll do it and that's that!
Dr. Saxon: Mary, let me say something to you. I've been your doctor for a long time. Your kidneys are fine and they'll last you all your life, but you need both of them. And even if you could conceivably function with only one, it wouldn't be strong enough to support Danny. Medically, you're an unsuitable donor. I'm sorry. Jodie, if you're agreeable, well start running some tests now.
Mary: Excuse me. Would you all please leave me alone with Jodie for a moment?
[everyone but Mary and Jodie leave]
Jodie: Okay, ma. What is it?
Mary: You can't give Danny your kidney.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Mary: No, you're not.
Jodie: What?
Mary: Jodie, you and Danny are not brothers.
Jodie: But we have the same mother.
Mary: Oh, yes. Yes.
Jodie: But we don't have the same father?
[Mary looks at Jodie gravely]

"Soap: Episode #2.2" (1978)
Jodie Dallas: Yeah I know, but I don't know what to do about it.
Burt: You just do it a few more times and you'll get hooked. It's like pretzels.

"Soap: Episode #3.20" (1980)
[Burt has just received the election recount results]
Burt: Prentiss got caught stuffing the ballot boxes, so I won, I am the sheriff.
[everyone congratulates Burt]
Danny: How 'bout that? Sheriff. And I get to be deputy, right Burt? Me, deputy, me. Please?
Bob: I'm gonna be the deputy.
Danny: You are not.
Bob: Am too.
[Danny and Bob argue before Mary breaks it up]
Mary: Burt, what's the matter?
Burt: Well, it's Prentiss, he won't give up the office. Yeah, he's holed up in the armory with enough weapons to quality as a third world nation. He says he will not be taken alive and my first assignment is to take him.
Danny: Let's go get him.
Burt: Danny, this Prentiss, he won gold medals for marksmanship and he is now in a fortified stone building.
Bob: On second thought, I don't want to be deputy.

"Soap: Episode #3.12" (1980)
Dr. Medlow: Burt, I'm afraid you're a very sick man.
Burt: [nervously] Uh-huh?
Dr. Medlow: You have Mylar Syndrome. It's a very rare blood disease.
Burt: Yeah, so what's the cure?
Dr. Medlow: There is no cure.
Burt: What happens? You mean it just goes away all by itself?
Dr. Medlow: I'm afraid not.
Burt: What happens?
Dr. Medlow: It's fatal, Burt. I'm sorry.

"Soap: Episode #2.5" (1978)
Burt: A break is fine, but I don't think it's a good idea for guys on girders forty stories up to be horsing around with a Frisbee.

"Soap: Episode #3.16" (1980)
[Burt arrives at Dr. Saxon's office, carrying a basketball for his latest world record attempt]
Burt: 22 hours... 22 hours I've been dribbling this.
Dr. Saxon: Burt...
Burt: I dribbled on the train. I dribbled down the street. I dribbled in the subway where I almost got killed. Four black guys tried to take it from me. And what happens? In *your* office, one of your stupid nurses slaps it out of my hand?

"Soap: Episode #1.2" (1977)
Peter 'The Tennis Player': Dad!
Burt Campbell: Peter!
Corinne Tate: Peter?
Jessica Tate: Peter?
Peter 'The Tennis Player': Corrine?
Jessica Tate: Corrine?
Peter 'The Tennis Player': Jessica?
Corinne Tate: Mother?
Burt Campbell: Corrine. Jessica.
Mary Campbell: Oh My God!
Chester Tate: Jessica?
Jessica Tate: Peter!
Corinne Tate: Mother?
Jodie Dallas: Peter!

"Soap: Episode #3.14" (1980)
Burt: So, Eddie. What do you do?
Eddie: I'm a writer.
Danny: I didn't know that.
Eddie: [coolly] Well, we've never really had a chance to chitchat.
Danny: What do you write?
Eddie: Essays, magazine articles. "The Plight of the Black Race", "400 Years of Oppression", "The White Man's Disgrace"...
Bob: Oh, so you're a gag writer, is that it?
[Danny and Eddie chase Chuck and Bob out of the room]

"Soap: Episode #3.1" (1979)
[Burt has been abducted by aliens and bound in an examination room]
Burt: Stay calm. Stay calm. Just think... stay calm here. I'll just analyze the situation. One of three things is going on here. Either I'm dreaming I'm on a spaceship, or... I'm on a spaceship, or I'm crazy.
Burt: I'm dreaming!
Burt: I'm in a dream. This is what happens when you eat pizza in bed.
Burt: It's time to wake up, though. Wake up, Burt!
[Aliens enter the room, talking amongst themselves]
Burt: Burt. Burt! Hey, Burt! Wake up, Burt! Burt! Come on, rise and shine, Burt!
[Burt looks over at the aliens nervously]
Burt: Crazy's looking good here.