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: I feel kind of funny discussing out marital problems with a minister. Chester
: I feel funny discussing it with anybody. Jessica
: Of course, it would be worse if it were a priest. Well, it would be like discussing a film with a blind man. A rabbi would be nice, they seem very wise. But I suppose you have to be Jewish. I wonder which religion does the biggest business in this sort of thing.
: How do you keep your marriage trouble-free? Minister
: Divorce. Married sixteen years, my wife decided we had to have new carpeting in the family room. The guy came to lay the carpet, probably got a little confused about what he was there to lay. Left me with four rolls of Bigelow shag and took off with my wife. Jessica
: How awful. Minister
: Might have been an Indian.
[on Chester's chronic infidelity
: I see this sort of problem a lot. It seems to be going around. I think part of the reason is that there are no more Indians. Chester
: I beg your pardon? Minister
: You see, in the olden days, we had Indians to worry about. Where were the Indians? Were the Indians surrounding us? Were the Indians angry Indians? Did the Indians want our horses? Nobody fooled around because you couldn't relax long enough. Now, we've got no more Indians. Jessica
: I see. Minister
: The best marriages were in the Apache territory, because those were the worst Indians. Hostiles without, no hostility within. We have a lot to thank the Indians for: happy marriages, nice beadwork. Jessica
: What do we do now that there are no more Indians? Minister
: Aggravate some other group, maybe.
: Dutch, tell me: did you really kill a man? Dutch
: Yeah. Jessica
: Dead? You shot him dead? Dutch
: That's usually what happens in a successful killing. Jessica
: Of course. Dutch
: You see, what happened is that when I got out of the Navy, I borrowed some money to go into business. The banks all turned me down for a loan, so I went to a local loan company. They gave me $5000 at a very high rate of interest. In the first week, when I couldn't come up with the dough, they broke my fingers. The second week, they broke my nose, two ribs and my knee. Plus the guy who was beating me up had a very bad cold, so I ended up with a terrible cough. The next week, they was gonna break my head, but I convinced them not to. Jessica
: How? Dutch
: Well, I talked to them for a while and then I shot 'em. Jessica
: I think that should be considered self-defense. Dutch
: It was, but the guy who owned the loan company turned out to be the Chief of Police.
[Following his brain surgery, Chester is having severe memory problems
: It's all lost to me. My past, my future... it's all gone! I try. I try so hard to remember. I can't. I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon, you'll have me put away. You've all been so good to me. I must have been some guy to have such a beautiful bunch of people love me the way you do. Jessica
: Chester. Chester
: It's agony. To know I have a wonderful son and daughters and a wife and not know who they are. Sometimes, I swear... it's almost too much to bear. Jessica
: Oh, Chester. I just know that someday you'll remember. Chester
: Remember what?
[Corinne is worried about her possessed baby
: He's here because of me. Jessica
: Don't be silly, Corinne, the devil doesn't even know you. Corinne
: It's all my fault. He's here because of me, because I slept with everyone in town. Mary
: Oh Corinne, please. First of all, you did not sleep with everyone in town. Corinne
: Yes, I did. Jessica
: Oh, please. Did you sleep with the mayor? Mary
: Yeah. Jessica
: You slept with the mayor? Jessica
] Oh my goodness, the mayor. I voted for him. Mary
: I told you not to vote for him. I told you to vote for Swanson. Corinne
: I slept with him, too. Mary
: You did? Corinne
: Believe me, the best man won.
: Accept me now! Do not resist any longer because you cannot succeed. Your soul is mine for eternity. I have won! Give up and come to me. Jessica
: We will never give up. Never! There is not a man or spirit in this world or any other that will break my family. We've lived through too much in our lives already to give it up to you! We've lived through sorrow and separation and death and destruction and we're still together because we love each other and love is what holds us together. So, if you intend to stay, we will fight you to the end and let me tell you, we will fight! And with God's help, you will never have us and you will never have this baby! Never! You have come to the wrong house!
[the devil is driven out, leaving behind a perfectly normal baby
[Jessica has found out she's going to die
: Chester, I think I'd like to wear my light green gown. Now, I know I look best in white lace, but I think it's kind of crazy to wear white when you're gonna have to wear it forever. And see, I don't know if there's a dry cleaner's in Heaven and I really want to look nice when the gentlemen come to call. Chester
: Gentlemen? Jess, aren't you gonna wait? Jessica
: For what? Chester
: For me. Jessica
: Chester, you might never get there.
[Chester nods in agreement
Jessica Gatling Tate
: Chester, what I did was wrong and I am not trying to minimize it by saying this, but I mean Chester, what I did for a few weeks, you made into a career!
: Aunt Jessie? Jessica
: Yes, what? Danny
: Do you think our family's crazy? The Major
: Hit the dirt everybody!
[grabs a pineapple from a bowl of fruit
] The Major
: It's a grenade!
[throws it through the window and dives to the floor
: Major, look what you've done.
: [looks out the window
] The gas main they were working on down the street; it blew up. Jessica
: Thank goodness, I thought it was the pineapple. Danny, what was your question? Danny
: Never mind.
[Jessica has met a mysterious stranger on a plane
: Who are you? El Puerco
: Carlos Marcello David Escobar Rodriguez Valdez. Also known as "El Puerco". Jessica
: El Puerco? El Puerco
: The Pig. Jessica
: I see. El Puerco
: I am a guerrilla. Jessica
: Well, you are kind of large and hairy, but I'd hardly say gorilla.
Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell
: It's pornography. Jessica Gatling Tate
: Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!
: All my life, people have always believed me. See, I have that kind of face. My mother once said to me "Jessica, with a face like that you could get away with murder."
: What's been going on with you three? Jessica
: Well, Eunice is depressed and Corinne is depressed and I was just debating whether or not to join them. Mary
: Sounds like fun. Jessica
: Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately. I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still. Corinne
: I don't think you're depressed, ma. I think you're horny.
Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Dad! Burt Campbell
: Peter! Corinne Tate
: Peter? Jessica Tate
: Peter? Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Corrine? Jessica Tate
: Corrine? Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Jessica? Corinne Tate
: Mother? Burt Campbell
: Corrine. Jessica. Mary Campbell
: Oh My God! Chester Tate
: Jessica? Jessica Tate
: Peter! Corinne Tate
: Mother? Jodie Dallas
: We really must replace Benson quickly. Jessica Tate
: Well darling, I am trying. I've interviewed several people, but you see, those that cook don't clean and those that clean don't speak any identifiable language.
[the Tates are discussing how to rescue Billy from a cult when a suddenly lucid Major demands the floor
] The Major
: Now I know sometimes you don't like to listen to me and sometimes, I can understand why, but you must all listen to me now. Chester
: Major... The Major
: Shut up.
[opens a box of medals
] The Major
: Now look here: this is the Silver Star, it was presented to me by Gen. Patton. This is a Bronze Star, I earned two of them. And this is the Purple Heart, Harry Truman pinned that on me himself. Now, I know you think I'm a foolish old man and sometimes I am, but that's my grandson in there. I got all these because I was a good soldier, I still am. I can get him out, I can do it! So you all had better listen to this old fool. Because that's our little boy. Jessica
: All right daddy, we're listening. Chester
: Go ahead, sir. Tell us your plan. The Major
: What plan?