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[Mary has just woken up after giving birth to what she is afraid might be a half-alien baby
: Did I? Jodie
: You did. Chuck
: Congratulations Mary
: What color is it? Bob
: Well, is there something you'd like to tell us? Jodie
: We're not sure yet. Bob
: That's not usually the first question. Chuck
: Bob... Bob
: That's not usually the *twelfth* question!
[the custody hearing has convened for the judge's ruling
: Do we have a chance? Mallu
: A chance? Let me tell you something, Dallas, something you should know. The Red Sea wasn't parted by a pool pump, savvy? When John the Baptist, he didn't stand a chance, but he made it! Because there's always a chance. Remember that. Jodie
: John the Baptist was beheaded. Mallu
: And I hope you'll have the grace never to quote me on that.
: Mr. Dallas, I have seen your integrity, fervor and honesty. I'm impressed by your passion and fortitude. However, it has become apparent to me over these many years that an infant needs the kind of care that can best be given to it by its mother. Miss David, you have shown yourself to be a concerned parent. Carol
: Thank you. Judge Small
: Last night, I decided that your child would be better off with her mother. Carol
: Oh, thank you, your honor! Judge Small
: This morning, I received a call for *your* mother telling me she had lied on the stand on your behalf. Carol
: Your honor, I wanted my daughter so bad that I would have done anything to... Judge Small
: Forcing your own mother to commit perjury using her own grandchild as bait does not lead me to believe that this person has a clear understanding of what parenthood is all about. Mr. Dallas has that understanding. Therefore, I have decided to break with normal tradition and award custody of the infant Wendy to her father, Jodie Dallas. This hearing is adjourned.
[bangs the gavel
] You honor, I realize I've acted irrationally during these proceedings and I'm sorry. I know it's hard for you to know a person when that person's world is caving in all around him, because all you get to see is the fear and the craziness. So I thank you for looking beyond that. Judge Small
: Good luck, Mr. Dallas.
: Listen, Carol. We'll work out the visitation rights. I won't be any problem. Carol
] No need. Jodie
: Carol, don't be bitter. Carol
: Why should I be bitter? This isn't over yet. And when it is over, you're gonna wish you never had a daughter!
[at the custody hearing, Carol has spun a manipulative lie in court, reducing everyone, including Jodie's lawyer, to tears
: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Jodie
: It's a fairy tale. It's not real. Mallou
: Neither is "Bambi". Doesn't matter, it's moving, isn't it? Remember the bunny?
[Carol and her mother have shamelessly perjured against Jodie at the custody hearing
: What do these notes mean we've been taking? What good are they? What good are these law books, for god's sakes? Nobody tells the truth around here! I mean am I going mad, or what? Judge Small
: Restrain him! Restrain him, please.
[the bailiffs grab Jodie
: Why don't you just tar and feather me, for god's sakes. Judge Small
: Mr. Dallas, one more word out of you and I am gonna hold you in contempt! Jodie
: Only one more word? I have plenty of more words, your honor! How about mockery and disgrace?
[the bailiffs start to drag Jodie out
: Because I've been hearing these words since this travesty began!
: Mom, last night he told me that sometimes he thinks he's invisible. Mary Campbell
: He was joking with you. Invisible! Jodie Dallas
: He was serious, Mom! He told me that sometimes he can walk through a room and nobody sees him. He says it helps him greatly with his detective work!
: Yeah I know, but I don't know what to do about it. Burt
: You just do it a few more times and you'll get hooked. It's like pretzels.
Chief of Police Tinkler
: [Pointing at Jodie
] You too are a suspect. Jodie Dallas
: Oh, I can't wait to hear why. Chief of Police Tinkler
: Because you're a homo. Benson
: That's almost as good as my reason.
[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar
: I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.
[Burt and Danny laugh
: What do you mean "I never throw up"? Jodie
: I *never* throw up! Burt
] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up." Danny
: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up. Jodie
: Oh, yeah? Danny
: Yeah! Jodie
: Okay. Take your best shot. Danny
: Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth... Bob
] Stop! Stop! Danny
: I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver... Jodie
: Get me a spoon. Danny
: And it's out in the hot sun... Jodie
: Oh, I love it. Danny
: And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it. Bob
] Oh, god! Stop! Jodie
: See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag. Danny
: I'll stick my fingers down your throat.
: We can keep him on a dialysis machine for a while, but eventually, we'll have to have a donor with his exact blood and tissue type. Jodie
: Doc, what you mean is the donor has to be a blood relative. Dr. Saxon
: Yes. Mary
: That's me, I'll do it. Jodie
: No, ma, I'll give him one of mine. Mary
: No, Jodie. I'll do it. You can start the procedures any time. Dr. Saxon
: Actually, Mary, Jodie's kidneys would really be... Mary
: Danny is my son. I'll do it. Jodie
: I'm his brother. Burt
: Mare, I know we all want to contribute here, but... Mary
: Why is everyone ganging up on me? Burt
: Mare, please... nobody's ganging up. Mary
: I'll do it and that's that! Dr. Saxon
: Mary, let me say something to you. I've been your doctor for a long time. Your kidneys are fine and they'll last you all your life, but you need both of them. And even if you could conceivably function with only one, it wouldn't be strong enough to support Danny. Medically, you're an unsuitable donor. I'm sorry. Jodie, if you're agreeable, well start running some tests now. Mary
: Excuse me. Would you all please leave me alone with Jodie for a moment?
[everyone but Mary and Jodie leave
: Okay, ma. What is it? Mary
: You can't give Danny your kidney. Jodie
: I'm his brother. Mary
: No, you're not. Jodie
: What? Mary
: Jodie, you and Danny are not brothers. Jodie
: But we have the same mother. Mary
: Oh, yes. Yes. Jodie
: But we don't have the same father?
[Mary looks at Jodie gravely
: Mr. Dallas? Jodie
: Yes? Mr. Wisser
: I'm Harlan Wisser from the Child Welfare Department. May I come in? Jodie
: I don't know yet. What's on your mind? Mr. Wisser
: We received a call stating that you had an infant in your apartment. Jodie
: So? Mr. Wisser
: Well, sir, we also received a complaint. Jodie
: From who? Mr. Wisser
: It's a little difficult to discuss in the hallway.
[Jodie reluctantly lets him in
] Mr. Wisser
: Thank you. Someone in the area called our offices and told us that a single young male homosexual was keeping a baby in his apartment. Are you he? Jodie
: I happen to have a baby here. Right over there, as a matter of fact.
[points to the basinet
] Mr. Wisser
: He looks pale. Jodie
: He's a she and so do you. Mr. Wisser
: Mr. Dallas, please don't make this any harder than it already is. Jodie
: How am I making it hard? Listen, you walked in here, I did not come to you. Mr. Wisser
: Are you a practicing homosexual? Jodie
: I don't have to practice, I'm very good at it.
[at Jodie and Carol's custody hearing, the two attorneys have just met
: This is big, ask me why. Jodie
: Why? Mallou
: High noon, kid. Showdown at Bear Creek. Together for the first time. Big! This guy's never been beaten. Gosh, I wish they had some cameras in here. Jodie
: Can you beat him? Mallou
: What? Of course I can. If anyone can, I can. But he's good. He once defended a woman who wanted custody of her child, he made her look like Joan of Arc. Jodie
: But you said the mother usually wins anyway, right? Mallou
: Not if she's on death row at the time. Jodie
: Why was she there? Mallou
: Cannibalism. But don't worry, I'll beat him. We'll make the OK Corral look like a pillow fight! Jodie
: If you're done with your Gary Cooper movie, try to remember that my daughter is the issue here and not your career. Mallou
: If I lose, you lose kid. Don't forget that.
Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Dad! Burt Campbell
: Peter! Corinne Tate
: Peter? Jessica Tate
: Peter? Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Corrine? Jessica Tate
: Corrine? Peter 'The Tennis Player'
: Jessica? Corinne Tate
: Mother? Burt Campbell
: Corrine. Jessica. Mary Campbell
: Oh My God! Chester Tate
: Jessica? Jessica Tate
: Peter! Corinne Tate
: Mother? Jodie Dallas
[Jodie walks into a private investigator's office
: Maggie Chandler? Maggie
: What does it say on the door? Jodie
: Maggie Chandler. Maggie
: You think I walked into the wrong office this morning? Jodie
: So much for small talk. Maggie
: [not looking up from her typewriter
] Have a seat, I'll be with you in a sec. You're the guy with the missing kid? Jodie
: Yes. Maggie
: Why didn't you eat this morning? Jodie
: I wasn't hung-how did you know? Maggie
: You've been eying my Danish ever since you walked in here. Jodie
: Very quick. Maggie
: You're not getting any. Jodie
: I've got you eating out the palm of my hand. Maggie
: [turns to Jodie
] Queens. Jodie
: Excuse me? Maggie
: Your accent. Queens, with a touch of Manhattan mixed in. You probably live in Connecticut and you play a lot of ball. You don't smoke, you don't have any cats and you live with your mother, correct? Jodie
: That's amazing. Maggie
: Nothing to it. You see, that nasal tone in your voice is a 50/50 mix of New York working man and New York intellectual, hence the Queens and Manhattan. The whiney quality is obviously Connecticut. You have the body of a second baseman, I don't smell tobacco smoke on your clothes, there's no cat fuzz on your pants and your address is a family neighborhood. No smoking, no cats and mama. Jodie
: I whine? Maggie
: Well, I didn't say it wasn't pleasant. Jodie
] I don't whine.