Toki Wartooth
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Quotes for
Toki Wartooth (Character)
from "Metalocalypse" (2006)

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"Metalocalypse: The Curse of Dethklok (#1.1)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: [gasps] What's this place called?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This is, I believes called, Food Libraries. Food Libraries.
Toki Wartooth: Food Library.
Pickles The Drummer: [yells] It's called a Grocery Store, you douchebags!
[regular volume]
Pickles The Drummer: I'm sorry about 'douchebags'. I got low blood sugar.
Nathan Explosion: Alright, here's the deal. We have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like all the regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish.
[yells]
Nathan Explosion: And don't just buy booze! That ain't food.
William Murderface: What do you mean, 'booze ain't food'? I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!
Toki Wartooth: You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?
William Murderface: [yells] Yeah!
Toki Wartooth: Wowee!

Toki Wartooth: WOOOOWWW. What is dis Place?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I think is called Fooood Library...
Toki Wartooth: Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...
Pickles the Drummer: IT'S A GROCERY STORE YOU DOUCHEBAGS! I'm sorry about 'douchebags,' I got low blood sugar.

Toki Wartooth: What's this place called?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This is, I believes, called food libraries.

Toki Wartooth: [Toki and Skwisgaar are grocery shopping] Who is "wal... nuts?"
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [Skwisgaar surreptitiously throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Uh, hey Toki, look inside of your basket.
[his voice barely conceals his amusement]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Guess why's you're in such a crappy mood: you have ladies' tampons... unside of it! And you buy them for yourself - go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems!
Toki Wartooth: YOU lady, Skwisgaar!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: NO, I'M NOT!

Jean-Pierre: [Jean-Pierre is presenting a bottle of wine to the band] Uh, from the Prime Minister of Norway. There are several cases. The finest wi...
Nathan Explosion: NOOOO! We never drink before a show; never!
William Murderface: [Murderface takes the bottle and pours some wine into his goblet]
[slurring his words]
William Murderface: Well, I'll have just a little drink.
Toki Wartooth: [Toki hoists a beer can] Me, too.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [Skwisgaar has a few empty beer cans in front of him] Me, too.
Pickles the Drummer: [the table in front of Pickles is covered in empty liquor bottles] Me, too.
Nathan Explosion: [pause] Me, too.

William Murderface: There's only one thing left to do: kill ourselves.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dudes, we would like have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.
Toki Wartooth: Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.
Nathan Explosion: WHOA! Thats a good song title.

Murderface: What do ya mean, booze ain't food! I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that.
Toki Wartooth: You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?
Murderface: Yeah!
Toki Wartooth: Wowie!

Toki Wartooth: What is wal... nuts.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Uh, hey Toki, look inside of your basket. Guess why yours in such a crappy mood, you have ladies tampons inside of it. If you buy them for yourself go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problem.
Toki Wartooth: You a lady, Skwisgaar!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: *No I'm not!*

[the chef offers wine to Dethklok]
Nathan Explosion: NOOOO! We never drink before a show, never!
William Murderface: Well I've been drinkin' all day.
Toki Wartooth: Me too.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Me too.
Pickles The Drummer: Me too.
Nathan Explosion: [Softly] Me too.

Pickles: Are you aware of the fate of our last restaurant helicopter chef?
Jean-Pierre: His face was...
William Murderface: His face was SMASHED!
Jean-Pierre: Yes I know.
Toki Wartooth: He slips his hand and face, sluk hoevercrofe.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hol... holvercraft.
Toki Wartooth: Coft.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Honoo...
Pickles: Hovercraft.
Toki Wartooth: Hoovman.
Pickles: Hovercraft!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hloo...
Toki Wartooth: Hooo...
Pickles: He's trying to tell you that the chef got his face smashed into uh, the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.

Toki Wartooth: And then from the sorrow, far too, he blow he brain in.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: He blow he brain out.
Toki Wartooth: Whatever.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Out.
Toki Wartooth: It make a great album cover.

Toki Wartooth: What's this place called?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This place, I believe, is called 'food libraries.'
Toki Wartooth: Fooood... libraries...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Fooood... libraries...
Pickles the Drummer: It's called a grocery store you douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags, I got... I got low blood sugar.

Toki Wartooth: You're a lady, Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No. I'm not!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problem.
Toki Wartooth: You're a lady, Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No I'm not!


"Metalocalypse: Dethkomedy (#1.5)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: So what you're saying is we do the opposite of bleak and dark.
Nathan Explosion: Yeah.
Toki Wartooth: What's the opposite of tragedy?
Nathan Explosion: COMEDDDDYY!

Prosecutor: [Dethklok are in court for alleged "subliminal messages" on their latest album] The lyrics clearly state, "Go into the water. Go into the water. Live there, die there." And my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this underwater album by your band, Dethklok!
Pickles the Drummer: [smugly] Why don't *you*... go breathe underwater?
[the courtroom erupts in laughter]
Prosecutor: I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!
William Murderface: Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo licker!
[the courtroom continues their guffaws]
Prosecutor: This band is a danger to the human race!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: "You's" a danger of putting us to-a sleep! I woulda broughts a sleepings bag, I know this guys was gonna show up!
Prosecutor: Your Honor, we "demand" $50 million for medical bills and punitive damages.
Toki Wartooth: Hey... how 'bout we compromise?
Nathan Explosion: We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
Charles Foster Ofdensen: The album clearly states, "Intended for fish only." I rest... my case.
Judge: Not guilty!
[bangs gavel]

Toki Wartooth: Well, we wins that one.
Nathan Explosion: Whatever.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: You'd prefer that we lose?
Nathan Explosion: No, just thinkin' about the next album.
Pickles the Drummer: Oh, right, you mean how're we supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.
Nathan Explosion: Exactly.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time onstage! The Brothers... of Deception.
[scattered applause]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [Skwisgaar and Toki walk onstage, guitars in hand] So... I was thinking of killing myself.
Toki Wartooth: That's funny. I was thinking of killing you, too.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Well... how do you like that?
[he peels off a lightning-fast riff on his guitar; the audience just stares]
Toki Wartooth: Mom always hated you most.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: She hates both of us the most.
Toki Wartooth: [Toki plays a single chord and his guitar strap breaks; the audience stares again]
[whispering to Skwisgaar]
Toki Wartooth: I hate you... seriously.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [whispering] Okay.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [the band is drinking heavily after their disastrous comedy routine] The best metal band of all time, and we gets boos off the stage! Pfft.
William Murderface: Eh, they just didn't get us. Whatever.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: They'll laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us?
Toki Wartooth: That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: He is horribles, Toki! He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
Toki Wartooth: But *you* laugh.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I did.
William Murderface: Yeah, he was pretty good.
Nathan Explosion: [sick of the bickering] HE WAS GREAT!
Toki Wartooth: Eh, maybe we do better tomorrow.
Pickles the Drummer: [completely wasted on booze] Are you kiddin' me? I DIED up there! It was brutal! And I ain't never goin' back up there again, 'cause I ain't funny... and neither are any of you. I'm dark and brutal and filled with hatred. I ain't got no sense of humor. You wanna do comedy? Do it without me. I'm leaving.
[he walks out]

Lorkey the Sailor: 'Tain't no difference, if ye ask me.
Toki Wartooth: But that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...
Lorkey the Sailor: Comedy is about expressing your hate! The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sittin' at them tables'll think you are!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: But I bomb, and I hates everyt'ing.
Lorkey the Sailor: Aye! But do ye hate yourself?
Toki Wartooth: Hate... myself?
Lorkey the Sailor: Ah, yes, 'specially now, eh? Bombing onstage, and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails went running away! 'Twill take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
Toki Wartooth: [suddenly realizing Lorkey's point] I hate myself!
Lorkey the Sailor: Yeah, now yer gettin' it! And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world! And once you embrace your hate, you will murder them! And you will kill. YOU WILL KILL!

Nathan Explosion: [backstage before the big comedy show] All right, everyone do a crappy job. Remember to hate yourselves.
Toki Wartooth, William Murderface: Oh, yeah!
Pickles the Drummer: Well, I *really* hate myself.
Toki Wartooth: Pickle! You back! We think you leave for good!
Pickles the Drummer: Bombing onstage really screwed me up. I can't even play my douchebag drums no more 'cause of stupid comedy.
Lorkey the Sailor: Ah, you know there's only one way to fix that. You gotta get back up there.
Pickles the Drummer: But I can't do...
Lorkey the Sailor: But what?
Pickles the Drummer: [fearfully] The audience!
Lorkey the Sailor: Aye... the audience. Now gather 'round, all y'all. I've been talkin' a lot about hatred. But there's something bigger out there. Something you should hate even more than anything. And that's the audience!
[Pickles smiles]

Toki Wartooth: How about we compromise?
Nathan Explosion: We'll give you half... of nothing!


"Metalocalypse: Skwisklok (#1.11)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: Candy. It takes like chicken... if chicken was a candy.

William Murderface: We've been talking Skwisgaar and, we think this whole production could be a lot more... zippy. It just, it needs zazz! Am I, I mean I'm right to say that right?
Nathan Explosion: No, you're right to say that. It's just, you know, you could stand to zazz it a up a little bit more.
Pickles the Drummer: No offense Skwisgaar but I gotta say this whole thing, it uh, it lacks zazz.
William Murderface: You could just put it on the zazz train to zazz-ville.
Toki Wartooth: Yeah because no offense there's absolutely no zazz to be found, not here anyway, not in these parts.
Nathan Explosion: What we're trying to say is that there's two kinds of shows out there, those with and those without...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Could you please stop saying zazz?
Nathan Explosion: Zazz.
Pickles the Drummer: Zazz.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Please stop saying zazz.
Pickles the Drummer: Why don't you let us help you out?
William Murderface: Yeah and lighten the load, make it more zaaa - ohh, you know.

Toki Wartooth: Don't you remember being a little kids, when your teeths would fall out and grow back and you would get the old one under the pillow so the ancient Norse god Ortha the tooths collector would come and give you a Pickle's Nickel?

Toki Wartooth: [Skwisgaar got his hand aquariums off] You're free! RUN AWAY SKWISGAAR!

Nathan Explosion: Hello. Isn't this a nice surprise? Me being here at this incredibly zazzy event.
William Murderface: A fantastic star-studded evening, of zazz!
Pickles the Drummer: Got any room for any more zazz up here?
Toki Wartooth: I think I have diabetes. I'm going to take a fucking nap.

Toki Wartooth: Ah, cool, you gots a new shipment of custom guitar!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, this is uh, some designs I'm messing around with, uh, this one is, um, Swiss Army-tar. It's a good guitar for a camping trip, it's got toothpick.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, good tone. What's that one right there?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Uhh, is just an Antfarm-itar. But, still workings on it.
William Murderface: Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, I'd stand on that.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yah, and this is the Gibson Excalibu-tar, ya know. And here's my guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.
William Murderface: Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?

Toki Wartooth: Candy... Tastes like chickens, if chickens was candy.

Toki Wartooth: I'm Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. I wish they made insulin flavored candy.


"Metalocalypse: Murdering Outside the Box (#1.12)" (2006)
Charles Foster Ofdensen: There you are. I've been trying to get in touch with you all day.
Pickles the Drummer: Cinnamon buns!
Charles Foster Ofdensen: You know today's our big Employee Evaluation Conference Conference and Raffle.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Ha! Thats a funny one. Who cares about that?
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Well, perhaps you should care because it has come to our attention that one of our employees is a major embezzler.
Nathan Explosion: Awesome! Right?
Toki Wartooth: "Ambuzzle?" What means that?
Pickles the Drummer: Ah, well, it's a super-awesome way of saying, "Take havin' somethin'."
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hey guys, I haves a good use of the words "unsbuzzle." "My lungs unsbuzzle the air from the earth, as I can breathe... it. Period."
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Well, I don't see the humor in any of it.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh, lighten up, Mr. Dooms-and-Gloom, "embezzle" is metal.
Pickles the Drummer: Well, who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Well, he's embezzling from you.
Nathan Explosion: NOOOOO!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [passing over a dead employee in the hall] Look at this ones, asleeps in some bloods. We gots to get tougher on these guys maybe, huh?
[another employee gets shot and falls to the ground, decapitated]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh! See what I'm talking about? Another guy, this guys sleeps in bloods too.
Nathan Explosion: Yea, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?
Pickles the Drummer: Well, dude, I fucking hope so. Its the only reason my ass is going there.
Nathan Explosion: Oh yea, and there is gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my god, I love being motivated. I love being motivated!
Toki Wartooth: Me too!
Nathan Explosion: I LOVE BEING MOTIVATED!

Facebones: Welcome to the Dethklok employee forum. Where were going to learn to "Use your motivation"! Were going to learn to be considerate at the workplace.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I have to works with you everyday, so please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?
William Murderface: While that hurts my feelings, I understand.
Nathan Explosion: When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there. Pick it up!
Pickles the Drummer: Yea! And dont leave your lunch lying around either, it attracts ants.
Facebones: And most importantly, remember. Death is an everyday part of the workplace. So when you see a dead body, dont freak out.
Toki Wartooth: Wow-wee!
Facebones: Just, ring your death bell!
Toki Wartooth: [rings death bell]

Toki Wartooth: Whoo-wee, I am such one tired guy. How come shopping's so stupid? Whats I have now? All this stuff. What I do?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, you know what, uh, just throw everything away. That's what I do.
Toki Wartooth: Now I t'rows it away.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Just going to die anyway.
Toki Wartooth: Guess it's full circle.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Goodbye.
Toki Wartooth: Okay.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Burn it.

Pickles the Drummer: Okay, so, uh, #421, you, uh, you are part of the Sector 18 recording studio maintenance clean team. Okay. Uh, que - couple questions.
[he looks at his paper and reads with difficulty]
Pickles the Drummer: "How do you value your what you contribute of to at the workforce?" Uh, second part: "At which do you most can't the least?" Skwisgaar?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Huh?
Pickles the Drummer: Did you write these questions?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, I did.
Pickles the Drummer: Okay, well... 421, do you have an answer?
Employee #421: I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner, my masters. And what I most can't the least would be do not a bad job, but always a good.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Okay, good answer.
Pickles the Drummer: Well, that's all I got. Uh, guys?
Nathan Explosion: No, I got one more question. And answer honestly.
[pause]
Nathan Explosion: Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?
Employee #421: No.
Nathan Explosion: [pause] Okay. I believe you.
Pickles the Drummer: Whoo! Well, you are all set, 421. Thanks for doin' a great job and ...
William Murderface: Hold on, hold everything!
Pickles the Drummer: Di ...
William Murderface: I just wanna say a little something... personal. How is, uh, the, er...
[he picks up his paper and looks at it]
William Murderface: ... little Amanda and Scott, your children?
[421 shrugs]
William Murderface: Things are still rough with the divorce, huh? That, uh, that's tough. Are you still talkin' to Rachel? Yeah, well, hey, happy almost birthday!
[he chuckles]
William Murderface: Two weeks, huh? Hey, get outta here, you're done!
[421 gets up and leaves]
Nathan Explosion: We are really, *really* good bosses.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, I know. We cares about all of thems. It's like a plantations, but the slaves is our friends.
Toki Wartooth: [irritated] I would like to ask questions next time.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Are you asking us to do that, Toki?
Toki Wartooth: Yeah, I don't know.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: That's interesting. You said, "I would likes to ask a question." That's a statements.
Toki Wartooth: What... is... the difference?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: That's... a great question.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, that's good codpiece.
William Murderface: Yeah it's no big deal, it's just totally diamond encrusted with a titanium base.
Toki Wartooth: Oh whats a coincidence. I gots myself a real cool codpiece too!
William Murderface: Uh, that's a dildo. A strap-on dildo.
Toki Wartooth: Ah screw you all offs! My codpiece is the coolest!


"Metalocalypse: Dethtroll (#1.4)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: Huh. I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Toki Wartooth: Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him! He could have carried me to school!
Nathan Explosion: I know!

Toki Wartooth: This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.

William Murderface: What are those wooden things? Chairs?
Barkeep: No, they are acoustic instuments.
Toki Wartooth: What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grandpa's guitars?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: A grandpa's guitars? That's for pussies. And grandpas. Ugh. I think you know it.

Nathan Explosion: Hmph, I can't believe we summoned a troll... Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Toki Wartooth: Awww, high school would have been awesome with a big pal like him. He could have carried me to school!
Nathan Explosion: I know!

Nathan Explosion: Toki, why'd you stop playing?
Toki Wartooth: I... have a confessions to makes... I can'ts reads music...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dudes, Tokis can't read musics, let's all laugh...
Toki Wartooth: Can you?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: ...No... I haves musics dyskleksia... you know that... I... don't wish to talks about it...


"Metalocalypse: Performance Klok (#1.7)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: [Toki is laying down his guitar tracks in the studio; Nathan interrupts him] Do it again, Toki! Take 164.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [Toki tries the same track and pops a string; there is a brief pause] Just let me record it. Each take is worse, he's slowly learning how to un-play the guitar.
Toki Wartooth: I can hear dat, the talk-back mike is on.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Pickle, please let me know when the talk-back mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to cries-babies house for vacation.
Toki Wartooth: I can still hear you.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth: So what do you want? A "Be-Able-To-Hear-Things" award?
Toki Wartooth: Eh not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.

Toki Wartooth: [after being insulted by Skwisgaar] I can still hear you.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: So what do you want? A "Be-Able-To-Hear-Things" award?
Toki Wartooth: Eh not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award to be honest.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Is this the way you normally record?
Nathan Explosion: Well, yeah.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: What, you just push little Toki around?
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah. He lets us.
William Murderface: Yeah, he likes it!
Nathan Explosion: Yeah. Well, I mean, what's, I - what's wrong with that?
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Are you kidding me? Do have any idea what that's doing to his little ego? Listen. We're gonna do an exercise, an exercise in changing band dynamics.
[Toki stands in front of Nathan's mic and puts on a pair of headphones]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [sotto voce to Pickles] This idea is dildoes.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Toki, you are now the lead singer of the band.
Toki Wartooth: No, thanks.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: You know, your creative voice is not appreciated, and we are going to change that.
Toki Wartooth: Honestly, I don't wants no creative voice. It's cool.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Are you kidding me? You are now the lead singer! Go! Make up some lyrics! One, two, three, go!
[Toki sings off-key and out of tempo as the band angrily looks on and Twinkletits claps]

Toki Wartooth: [the band is watching the yard wolves devour Twinkletits] Look. The wol-ev-es eat him.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yes, Toki. And his body will nourish the wolves.
Toki Wartooth: I believe the cycle of learning... is complete.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah. And what lesson might that be?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [short pause] I has no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten. Look at that right there.
Nathan Explosion: [filming the scene with a video camera] I loved him. I... can say that now.
William Murderface: Now that he's dead...
[starting to choke up]
William Murderface: ... it's much easier to say...
[he sniffles]
William Murderface: ... emotional things about him.
Pickles the Drummer: Gosh. Maybe this is weird to say, but... am I the only one who's being made to feel hungry by watching... this?
Nathan Explosion: [pause] Let's eat.
[the eyes of every band member suddenly glow red]

Nathan Explosion: I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.
Pickles the Drummer: Can we give ourselves a raise?
Nathan Explosion: Yeah. No, I found that out too.
Pickles the Drummer: Well then, you know, I give myself a raise right now.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I give myself a raise too.
Toki Wartooth: I give myself a solid gold telephone!
William Murderface: I give myself a bunch of boats, with a bunch of Vietnamese people on them, on fire.


"Metalocalypse: Dethmas (#3.4)" (2009)
Toki Wartooth: What you means we can'ts do Secret Santas!
Nathan Explosion: Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: We don'ts thinks it's metals to be's nice to each others!
Toki Wartooth: But I fucking do!
Pickles: Toki, why don't you just fucking drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
Toki Wartooth: I's listenings to yous no more! I'ms goings shoppings! Yes, shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gift! And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces when I gives you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you!
[Storms out and slams the door]
Nathan Explosion: ...I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.

Toki Wartooth: [Entering the bathroom] Dr. Rockso?
Dr. Rockso: [Going through withdrawals beside a full bath tub] Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!
Toki Wartooth: For the records Dr. Rockso, I cant's gets you drugs, thats would be enables you. But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.
Dr. Rockso: [Sobbing and hugging Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby.
[Shoves Toki's head under the water]
Dr. Rockso: Now you get me those fucking drugs! I'll fucking kill you! You hear me! I'll fuck-
[Faints into the water]

Toki Wartooth: [Entering the bathroom] Dr. Rockso?
Dr. Rockso: [Going through withdrawals beside a full bath tub] Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!
Toki Wartooth: For the records Dr. Rockso, I cants gets you drugs, thats would be enables you. But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.
Dr. Rockso: [Sobbing and hugging Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby.
[Shoves Toki's head under the water]
Dr. Rockso: Now you get me those fucking drugs! I'll fucking kill you! You hear me! I'll fuck-
[Faints into the water]


"Metalocalypse: Mordland (#1.9)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: Okay, my face is stuck to the wall...

Nathan Explosion: [hungover] Why do I drink so much before stupid Fan Day?
William Murderface: [also hungover] I believe you drink *because* it's Fan Day.
Nathan Explosion: Oh, I don't w - don't talk to me about that. Wait, where's Skwisgaar?
Toki Wartooth: Oh, I don't think he's gonna be here for awhile.
[he chuckles]
Toki Wartooth: He had a... very big night with a... very *huge* fan.
Nathan Explosion: Yeah, we were all up late.
Toki Wartooth: Not me. I actually gots good rest.
Pickles the Drummer: [also hungover] Can you please... just be quiet for a second?
Toki Wartooth: Oh, what's wrong, Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle... maybe you should try pickle-herring sandwich, famous from Oslo!
[he puts the sandwich on Pickles' plate]
Fan: [Pickles gags, runs for the door, and throws it open, only to be confronted by a mob of fans] OH YEAH, PICKLES!
Pickles the Drummer: [Pickles slams the door in their faces] God! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house?
[he grabs his stomach]
Pickles the Drummer: Urgh!
William Murderface: Oh, God! So what are you, bulimia?
Nathan Explosion: Oh, great. Now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction puke... th... a-thon.
Toki Wartooth: [Pickles gags and his cheeks bulge. Murderface, Toki, and Nathan follow suit. They all vomit their food back up, except Nathan, who glances around, then pukes blood everywhere] Oh, blood puke! Good song title! Someone write that - oh, wait, we already wrote that. Good song, though.
Nathan Explosion: Ohh... urgh... I think I need another liver transplant.


"Metalocalypse: Snakes 'n' Barrels (#1.8)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it. They're right. It's an amazing album. Congratulations, Pickles. This is so chilling.
William Murderface: What a great way to go out, too. I only hope we end up that way: clawin' our eyes out and throwin' up acid blood.
Toki Wartooth: I officially take backs whatever I say about Snakes'n'Barrels. You are amazing.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This music is likes potato chips. I can't stop listening to it. Plays it again.

William Murderface: What if Pickles never comes back? Oh, that'd be totally messed up.
Nathan Explosion: Oh, come on, guys, it's not like this is anyone's first band. You'll probably all wanna go reunite with your old bands at some point.
Toki Wartooth: Dethklok *is* my first band.
Nathan Explosion: Oh. Well, one day... you'll wanna reunite with us.
Toki Wartooth: Why? We already together.
Nathan Explosion: Just 'cause we're not broken up doesn't mean we can't reunite.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Actually, I thinks that's exactlys what thats means.
Nathan Explosion: Seriously?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: You can'ts reunite with a bands thats has not brokes-d upped. They won't let you.
Toki Wartooth: That sucks.
[exhales dejectedly]
Toki Wartooth: Great.
Nathan Explosion: Wait. Could we have a... not-reunion tour where we, you know, just come out and, like, you know, do a regular show?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No... I looked into it.
Nathan Explosion: Well, that's pretty lame.


"Metalocalypse: Birthdayface (#1.3)" (2006)
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This is a complete and total, you know, sausage festival.
Toki Wartooth: I love sausage festival!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: What?
Toki Wartooth: Like in Vienna.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No - no, Toki, that *was* a sausage festival.
Toki Wartooth: Yeah, that was good.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah. It was the Vienna pork saus - um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what intoside of them.
Toki Wartooth: The sausage?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [short pause] Yeah. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.
Toki Wartooth: Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I gonna make him a macaroni murder lady.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me.
[he walks away]

Pickles the Drummer: Hey douchebag!
[car is lowered down]
Pickles the Drummer: Happy birthday!
Nathan Explosion: Well what do you think?
Toki Wartooth: Big fat tires and everything!
William Murderface: But I already got, like, a million limos.
Pickles the Drummer: Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet.
Nathan Explosion: It's all souped up... and desecrated.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
Pickles the Drummer: And... you're entered in the first ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
Toki Wartooth: And I made you this macaroni murder lady! What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
William Murderface: You mean I get to destroy United States history... literally?
[sheds a bloody tear]


"Metalocalypse: Bluesklok (#1.14)" (2006)
Mashed Potato Johnson: Why don't ya' try to play this.
[Johnson plays a blues lick followed by Toki and Skwisgaar playing fast arpeggios]
Mashed Potato Johnson: That's close... uh, one more time. Try to play this.
[Johnson plays another blues lick followed by Toki and Skwisgaar playing scales]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: We can't NOT plays fast, uh, physically.
Toki Wartooth: Yeah, it's hards.

Toki Wartooth: [Cinder block hits him in the crotch] OH... I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block right in the balls blues!


"Metalocalypse: The Metalocalypse Has Begun (#1.20)" (2006)
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [after their escape pods crash in the middle of a forest] Whats in the fucking names of Odin?
Toki Wartooth: What the hell was that?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dude! Wheres are we's? What the fuck we just flies in? What the hell was wrong with your guitar sounds tonight?
Toki Wartooth: What the hell's that supposed to mean? It sounded great.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Nope. Sounds dildoes... agains.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I will sees you in Valhalska...
Toki Wartooth: I've always hated you Skwisgaar.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I knows Tolki... I knows


"Metalocalypse: Dethkids (#1.16)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: How comes I can't sits arounds and drinks like Pickle? How comes I can't fucking sits around and screw sluts or something? But no, you are the cutesy guy that kids like, you gotta helps people gets over their problems, well fuck that! You do's it.

Toki Wartooth: [In an evil voice while burning things with a flamethrower] See you in your nightmares, dickweeds!


"Metalocalypse: Fat Kid at the Detharmonic (#1.10)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: I guess I feel a sense of pride, knowing I helped raise him. Here's a bucket a of hank burgers, big gulps and crap you fat tits!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Try not to choke you fat tub of shit. We loves you!

Nathan Explosion: My god these things are amazing, check it out. I'm an eye docter.
[Points laser at Murderface]
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.
Nathan Explosion: Hey wait your turn.
William Murderface: Hey point that into my eyes again.
[gets lasered]
William Murderface: Ahh yes, awesome!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Point the laser beams at my too eye.
[gets lasered]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Uhhhh. Cool!
Pickles the Drummer: Dude check it out if you press really hard on your eyes it's also awesome dude!
William Murderface: [Rubs eyes] Aww, awesome!
Toki Wartooth: Yes but checks this out. I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowjob!
[strains, nose bleeds]
Toki Wartooth: Dat's what I'm talking about!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: He means nosebleed, not blowjob. Idiot.


"Metalocalypse: Dethclown (#1.17)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: It's metal to like clowns.


"Metalocalypse: Dethwater (#1.2)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: [the band is reviewing the mix for its new album. Nathan stops the music to think] Huh.
[he cracks his knuckles]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [resignedly] Here we go again.
Pickles the Drummer: [Nathan's finger hovers over the "delete" button] Okay, wait. Before we do anything drastic, let's put this all in perspective, Nathan, okay? Look.
[he stomps on a pedal, bringing down a video screen]
Reporter #1: Dethklok has spent a reported 500 million in the recording studio so far ...
Reporter #2: [Pickles stomps on another pedal] - fan suicide rate is up, due to the album's late release -
[a fan shoots himself in front of the camera]
Reporter #3: [Pickles stomps on another pedal] - sources have corroborated that the band has recorded SIXTEEN individual albums, all deleted ...
Reporter #4: [Pickles stomps on the last pedal] - sources say the Dow Jones decline is directly related to Dethklok frontman Nathan Explosion's constantly deleting a potential new album ...
Pickles the Drummer: [Nathan moves his finger back to the "delete" button as his bandmates urge him not to push it] No, no, no, no, no, don't, no -
[Nathan pushes the button and deletes the album]
Pickles the Drummer: No!
[everyone groans]
Pickles the Drummer: Mmmm! Mother-douchebags! Did it again.
Toki Wartooth: Aw, dudes, what's wrong with that one?
Pickles the Drummer: Let me guess: not "heavy" enough? Not "tuned low" enough? Not "BRUTAL" enough?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dudes, we can'ts not tone it down any lower.
William Murderface: Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be BRUTAL enough for ya, me being dead?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Somebody should tells Murderface that it's not always - always about him.
Pickles the Drummer: So what? Now we're all the way back to square effin' one?
Nathan Explosion: Yeah, that's right. But here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna re-re-re-record it... right there.
[he points to a spot on the globe in the middle of the ocean]
Nathan Explosion: Right there!


"Metalocalypse: Deth Wedding (#2.8)" (2008)
Toki Wartooth: That's what families is, peoples you hates.


"Metalocalypse: Religionklok (#1.15)" (2006)
Priest: Pray now the prayer of revenge, from whom do you seek revenge?
Toki Wartooth: I seek revenge on Rachael Ray and the Food Network. Can't you make her... eyes fall out or something?... tits fall off?
Priest: Satan, grant this man to get the revenge against his foes at the Food Network.
Toki Wartooth: Seriously?
Priest: Yes.
Toki Wartooth: S-Seriously?
Priest: Yes.
Toki Wartooth: Really?
Priest: Yes.
Toki Wartooth: That's cool.


"Metalocalypse: Girlfriendklok (#1.18)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: [the band has decided to do something about Nathan's insane girlfriend. They are standing over his bed, watching him sleep] You bastard.
[he raises a baseball bat]
Toki Wartooth: Why you makes me do this?
Nathan Explosion: [wakes up] Wha -
[Toki clocks him over the head, and he blacks outs]
Nathan Explosion: [later; Nathan is tied to a chair in a dark room, lit by a single bare lightbulb. Someone throws water over him to wake him up] Whoa! What the hell are you guys doing? I can't move!
[Pickles slaps him across the face]
Pickles the Drummer: [taking a drag from a joint and exhaling] Yeah... funny thing about bein' tied down...
[he flicks the joint at Nathan's face; Nathan shouts in pain]
Pickles the Drummer: ... it's hard to keep your defenses up.
Nathan Explosion: [Toki walks up and punches Nathan in the stomach; he groans] Why... are... you doing this?
William Murderface: [rubbing a meat cleaver and a long knife together] You've been blinded by a manipulative cow. And we're here to save you. Taser him.
Nathan Explosion: [Toki shoots Nathan with a taser]
[in agony]
Nathan Explosion: Whooooaaaaaa! Whoooooaaa! Stop! Stop! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!
Pickles the Drummer: Stop.
[Toki stops]
Pickles the Drummer: Take five on the juice, Toki.
[Toki briefly shocks Nathan again]
Nathan Explosion: [in pain] Whoa!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [standing behind Nathan's chair] Your attitude... is unacceptable. With... wha... er... why do you like that lady?
Pickles the Drummer: Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog.
[he throws his head back and howls]
Nathan Explosion: Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.
William Murderface: You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?
Nathan Explosion: I don't know!
William Murderface: Toki.
[Toki tasers Nathan again]
Nathan Explosion: [in pain] Whoa!
[Toki stops]
Nathan Explosion: It's the most brutal thing ever! It's not like regular hate! It's so much... more black! If she were a street gang, I'd fuckin' go to war with her with bottles and chains! But this is different! There's nothing I can do!
Pickles the Drummer: [Pickles punches Nathan repeatedly in the stomach] There's nothin' you can do? There's nothin' you can do?
[he punches Nathan in the mouth]
Nathan Explosion: I could possibly break up with her, but dear God, man, you don't know what she's like! What if she won't let me?
[Toki cocks a crossbow and aims it at Nathan's crotch]
Nathan Explosion: You're right! You're right, oh, God, you're right! I'm sorry!
[he starts sobbing]
Nathan Explosion: I'm sorry!
[he is blubbering now as Murderface cuts his bonds]
Nathan Explosion: I'm sorry...
[he gets up, and Pickles embraces him]