Pickles the Drummer
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Quotes for
Pickles the Drummer (Character)
from "Metalocalypse" (2006)

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"Metalocalypse: The Curse of Dethklok (#1.1)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: WOOOOWWW. What is dis Place?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I think is called Fooood Library...
Toki Wartooth: Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...
Pickles the Drummer: IT'S A GROCERY STORE YOU DOUCHEBAGS! I'm sorry about 'douchebags,' I got low blood sugar.

Pickles the Drummer: By the power of the holiest of evils, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich!

Pickles the Drummer: [pushing a cart full of liquor bottles] Say, chief, this stuff good for soup?
Grocery Store Clerk: No.
Pickles the Drummer: Ahhh-ah! That's a yes!

Jean-Pierre: [Jean-Pierre is presenting a bottle of wine to the band] Uh, from the Prime Minister of Norway. There are several cases. The finest wi...
Nathan Explosion: NOOOO! We never drink before a show; never!
William Murderface: [Murderface takes the bottle and pours some wine into his goblet]
[slurring his words]
William Murderface: Well, I'll have just a little drink.
Toki Wartooth: [Toki hoists a beer can] Me, too.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [Skwisgaar has a few empty beer cans in front of him] Me, too.
Pickles the Drummer: [the table in front of Pickles is covered in empty liquor bottles] Me, too.
Nathan Explosion: [pause] Me, too.

Pickles: [holding a lobster] Hold on, now, so yer telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shreik and they turn red and they die.
Store Clerk: Yes, sir.
Pickles: That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five.


Pickles: [holding uncooked lobster] Okay, hold on now. So you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shreik and they turn red and they die?
Clerk: Yes sir.
Pickles: That is the most metal thing I've ever heard in my whole life. High five.

Pickles: Are you aware of the fate of our last restaurant helicopter chef?
Jean-Pierre: His face was...
William Murderface: His face was SMASHED!
Jean-Pierre: Yes I know.
Toki Wartooth: He slips his hand and face, sluk hoevercrofe.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hol... holvercraft.
Toki Wartooth: Coft.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Honoo...
Pickles: Hovercraft.
Toki Wartooth: Hoovman.
Pickles: Hovercraft!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hloo...
Toki Wartooth: Hooo...
Pickles: He's trying to tell you that the chef got his face smashed into uh, the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.

Toki Wartooth: What's this place called?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This place, I believe, is called 'food libraries.'
Toki Wartooth: Fooood... libraries...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Fooood... libraries...
Pickles the Drummer: It's called a grocery store you douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags, I got... I got low blood sugar.

Pickles the Drummer: Ok, hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water, and they shriek, and they turn red and they die?
Deli Assistant: Yes Sir.
Pickles the Drummer: That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life... High five.

"Metalocalypse: Dethkomedy (#1.5)" (2006)
Prosecutor: [Dethklok are in court for alleged "subliminal messages" on their latest album] The lyrics clearly state, "Go into the water. Go into the water. Live there, die there." And my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this underwater album by your band, Dethklok!
Pickles the Drummer: [smugly] Why don't *you*... go breathe underwater?
[the courtroom erupts in laughter]
Prosecutor: I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!
William Murderface: Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo licker!
[the courtroom continues their guffaws]
Prosecutor: This band is a danger to the human race!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: "You's" a danger of putting us to-a sleep! I woulda broughts a sleepings bag, I know this guys was gonna show up!
Prosecutor: Your Honor, we "demand" $50 million for medical bills and punitive damages.
Toki Wartooth: Hey... how 'bout we compromise?
Nathan Explosion: We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
Charles Foster Ofdensen: The album clearly states, "Intended for fish only." I rest... my case.
Judge: Not guilty!
[bangs gavel]

Toki Wartooth: Well, we wins that one.
Nathan Explosion: Whatever.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: You'd prefer that we lose?
Nathan Explosion: No, just thinkin' about the next album.
Pickles the Drummer: Oh, right, you mean how're we supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.
Nathan Explosion: Exactly.

William Murderface: Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, we can't really get writer's credit for something like that.
William Murderface: Good point.

Pickles the Drummer: [obviously ill at ease onstage] Okay. We are going to delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Okay. And all we need to get started is, ah - one location.
Heckler: How 'bout a different comedy club!
[the audience laughs]
Pickles the Drummer: Okay! I heard, uh, "gas station."
William Murderface: I'm a gas station attendant.
Pickles the Drummer: [sitting on a stool, miming driving a car] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is midnight blue with chrome rims...
Heckler: Hey, Pippi Long-boring! You suck!
[the audience laughs]
Pickles the Drummer: Could ya fill it up just a little bit faster?
William Murderface: Well, I'm trying. I just can't seem to find the fucking gas tank!
Pickles the Drummer: [breaking character] That's 'cause it's a stool, Murderface!
Heckler: Hey, idiot! Don't negate the premise!
[the audience laughs]
Pickles the Drummer: [back in character and visibly nervous] It's on - on your - it's over - there - wherever... please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place.
William Murderface: [fed up with the act] Eh, I should check the oil. I gotta go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave. This sucks.
[he walks offstage]
William Murderface: Good luck dyin' out there.
Pickles the Drummer: [desparately trying to keep the act together] Are you leaving?
William Murderface: [from offstage] Yes, I'm leaving!
Heckler: Hey, ugly! What are ya just sittin' there for? Make us laugh!
[the audience's "boos," heckling, and chants of "Get off the stage!" blend into each other; Pickles is sweating and frozen with fear. He finally falls off his stool, tangled up in his mic cord. He starts hyperventilating]
Pickles the Drummer: [whispering] Help me! Help...

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [the band is drinking heavily after their disastrous comedy routine] The best metal band of all time, and we gets boos off the stage! Pfft.
William Murderface: Eh, they just didn't get us. Whatever.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: They'll laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us?
Toki Wartooth: That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: He is horribles, Toki! He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
Toki Wartooth: But *you* laugh.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I did.
William Murderface: Yeah, he was pretty good.
Nathan Explosion: [sick of the bickering] HE WAS GREAT!
Toki Wartooth: Eh, maybe we do better tomorrow.
Pickles the Drummer: [completely wasted on booze] Are you kiddin' me? I DIED up there! It was brutal! And I ain't never goin' back up there again, 'cause I ain't funny... and neither are any of you. I'm dark and brutal and filled with hatred. I ain't got no sense of humor. You wanna do comedy? Do it without me. I'm leaving.
[he walks out]

Nathan Explosion: [backstage before the big comedy show] All right, everyone do a crappy job. Remember to hate yourselves.
Toki Wartooth, William Murderface: Oh, yeah!
Pickles the Drummer: Well, I *really* hate myself.
Toki Wartooth: Pickle! You back! We think you leave for good!
Pickles the Drummer: Bombing onstage really screwed me up. I can't even play my douchebag drums no more 'cause of stupid comedy.
Lorkey the Sailor: Ah, you know there's only one way to fix that. You gotta get back up there.
Pickles the Drummer: But I can't do...
Lorkey the Sailor: But what?
Pickles the Drummer: [fearfully] The audience!
Lorkey the Sailor: Aye... the audience. Now gather 'round, all y'all. I've been talkin' a lot about hatred. But there's something bigger out there. Something you should hate even more than anything. And that's the audience!
[Pickles smiles]

Nathan Explosion: [from offstage] And now, please welcome to the stage... PICKLLLLLLLLESSSS!
Pickles the Drummer: [seemingly scared witless] So... anysways... I just got back from vacation. And, uh... I went to the beach... for vacation. And you know what I got at the beach?
[he reaches into his back pocket]
Pickles the Drummer: Sand!
[he throws a handful of sand into the eyes of the heckler who booed him offstage at the small comedy club]
Heckler: Aaaahhh! My eyes! I can't see!
[the audience roars with laughter]
Pickles the Drummer: Okay. All right, so I donated blood the other day. Not mine.
[the audience laughs again]
Pickles the Drummer: You guys wanna see me donate some blood to *you*? Huh? Do ya? Okay!
[he reaches under the stage curtain, pulls out a fire hose, and blasts the audience with a stream of blood]
Pickles the Drummer: Woo-hoo! Wa-hoo-hoo!
Heckler: Ahhh!
[the heckler gets blasted out of his seat]
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo, yeah!
Lorkey the Sailor: [Lorkey is watching from backstage] Eh, can't teach 'em no more.
[he pulls out a pistol and shoots himself in the head]
Pickles the Drummer: Woo, yeah!
[he brings out a hunting rifle and starts shooting wildly over the heads of the audience]
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah!
[he stops and aims the rifle at the front row]
Pickles the Drummer: Uh-oh! I thought this was the NRA!
[the audience laughs and applauds]
Pickles the Drummer: Any of you dildoes wanna fight? Huh?
[he sees the old woman who heckled him at the small comedy club]
Pickles the Drummer: What about you, grandma? Huh?
[she looks terrified]
Pickles the Drummer: Aw... I'm just messin' with ya!

"Metalocalypse: Murdering Outside the Box (#1.12)" (2006)
Charles Foster Ofdensen: There you are. I've been trying to get in touch with you all day.
Pickles the Drummer: Cinnamon buns!
Charles Foster Ofdensen: You know today's our big Employee Evaluation Conference Conference and Raffle.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Ha! Thats a funny one. Who cares about that?
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Well, perhaps you should care because it has come to our attention that one of our employees is a major embezzler.
Nathan Explosion: Awesome! Right?
Toki Wartooth: "Ambuzzle?" What means that?
Pickles the Drummer: Ah, well, it's a super-awesome way of saying, "Take havin' somethin'."
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hey guys, I haves a good use of the words "unsbuzzle." "My lungs unsbuzzle the air from the earth, as I can breathe... it. Period."
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Well, I don't see the humor in any of it.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh, lighten up, Mr. Dooms-and-Gloom, "embezzle" is metal.
Pickles the Drummer: Well, who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Well, he's embezzling from you.
Nathan Explosion: NOOOOO!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [passing over a dead employee in the hall] Look at this ones, asleeps in some bloods. We gots to get tougher on these guys maybe, huh?
[another employee gets shot and falls to the ground, decapitated]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh! See what I'm talking about? Another guy, this guys sleeps in bloods too.
Nathan Explosion: Yea, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?
Pickles the Drummer: Well, dude, I fucking hope so. Its the only reason my ass is going there.
Nathan Explosion: Oh yea, and there is gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my god, I love being motivated. I love being motivated!
Toki Wartooth: Me too!

Facebones: Welcome to the Dethklok employee forum. Where were going to learn to "Use your motivation"! Were going to learn to be considerate at the workplace.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I have to works with you everyday, so please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?
William Murderface: While that hurts my feelings, I understand.
Nathan Explosion: When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there. Pick it up!
Pickles the Drummer: Yea! And dont leave your lunch lying around either, it attracts ants.
Facebones: And most importantly, remember. Death is an everyday part of the workplace. So when you see a dead body, dont freak out.
Toki Wartooth: Wow-wee!
Facebones: Just, ring your death bell!
Toki Wartooth: [rings death bell]

Pickles the Drummer: Okay, so, uh, #421, you, uh, you are part of the Sector 18 recording studio maintenance clean team. Okay. Uh, que - couple questions.
[he looks at his paper and reads with difficulty]
Pickles the Drummer: "How do you value your what you contribute of to at the workforce?" Uh, second part: "At which do you most can't the least?" Skwisgaar?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Huh?
Pickles the Drummer: Did you write these questions?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, I did.
Pickles the Drummer: Okay, well... 421, do you have an answer?
Employee #421: I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner, my masters. And what I most can't the least would be do not a bad job, but always a good.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Okay, good answer.
Pickles the Drummer: Well, that's all I got. Uh, guys?
Nathan Explosion: No, I got one more question. And answer honestly.
Nathan Explosion: Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?
Employee #421: No.
Nathan Explosion: [pause] Okay. I believe you.
Pickles the Drummer: Whoo! Well, you are all set, 421. Thanks for doin' a great job and ...
William Murderface: Hold on, hold everything!
Pickles the Drummer: Di ...
William Murderface: I just wanna say a little something... personal. How is, uh, the, er...
[he picks up his paper and looks at it]
William Murderface: ... little Amanda and Scott, your children?
[421 shrugs]
William Murderface: Things are still rough with the divorce, huh? That, uh, that's tough. Are you still talkin' to Rachel? Yeah, well, hey, happy almost birthday!
[he chuckles]
William Murderface: Two weeks, huh? Hey, get outta here, you're done!
[421 gets up and leaves]
Nathan Explosion: We are really, *really* good bosses.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, I know. We cares about all of thems. It's like a plantations, but the slaves is our friends.
Toki Wartooth: [irritated] I would like to ask questions next time.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Are you asking us to do that, Toki?
Toki Wartooth: Yeah, I don't know.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: That's interesting. You said, "I would likes to ask a question." That's a statements.
Toki Wartooth: What... is... the difference?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: That's... a great question.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh lighten up Mr. dooms and glooms, embezzle is metal.
Pickles the Drummer: Well who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Well, he's embezzling from you.
Nathan Explosion: Nooooooooo!

"Metalocalypse: Performance Klok (#1.7)" (2006)
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Is this the way you normally record?
Nathan Explosion: Well, yeah.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: What, you just push little Toki around?
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah. He lets us.
William Murderface: Yeah, he likes it!
Nathan Explosion: Yeah. Well, I mean, what's, I - what's wrong with that?
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Are you kidding me? Do have any idea what that's doing to his little ego? Listen. We're gonna do an exercise, an exercise in changing band dynamics.
[Toki stands in front of Nathan's mic and puts on a pair of headphones]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [sotto voce to Pickles] This idea is dildoes.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Toki, you are now the lead singer of the band.
Toki Wartooth: No, thanks.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: You know, your creative voice is not appreciated, and we are going to change that.
Toki Wartooth: Honestly, I don't wants no creative voice. It's cool.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Are you kidding me? You are now the lead singer! Go! Make up some lyrics! One, two, three, go!
[Toki sings off-key and out of tempo as the band angrily looks on and Twinkletits claps]

Nathan Explosion: You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me! Jeez! I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here. Go!
Pickles the Drummer: Don't worry, I been tryin' to do that since you got here.
Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits: Then it shouldn't be a problem, then, should it, *smartass*?
[he raises his hand to slap Pickles]
Pickles the Drummer: Dude, no hitting.

Toki Wartooth: [the band is watching the yard wolves devour Twinkletits] Look. The wol-ev-es eat him.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yes, Toki. And his body will nourish the wolves.
Toki Wartooth: I believe the cycle of learning... is complete.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah. And what lesson might that be?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [short pause] I has no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten. Look at that right there.
Nathan Explosion: [filming the scene with a video camera] I loved him. I... can say that now.
William Murderface: Now that he's dead...
[starting to choke up]
William Murderface: ... it's much easier to say...
[he sniffles]
William Murderface: ... emotional things about him.
Pickles the Drummer: Gosh. Maybe this is weird to say, but... am I the only one who's being made to feel hungry by watching... this?
Nathan Explosion: [pause] Let's eat.
[the eyes of every band member suddenly glow red]

Nathan Explosion: I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.
Pickles the Drummer: Can we give ourselves a raise?
Nathan Explosion: Yeah. No, I found that out too.
Pickles the Drummer: Well then, you know, I give myself a raise right now.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I give myself a raise too.
Toki Wartooth: I give myself a solid gold telephone!
William Murderface: I give myself a bunch of boats, with a bunch of Vietnamese people on them, on fire.

"Metalocalypse: Dethwater (#1.2)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: [the band is reviewing the mix for its new album. Nathan stops the music to think] Huh.
[he cracks his knuckles]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [resignedly] Here we go again.
Pickles the Drummer: [Nathan's finger hovers over the "delete" button] Okay, wait. Before we do anything drastic, let's put this all in perspective, Nathan, okay? Look.
[he stomps on a pedal, bringing down a video screen]
Reporter #1: Dethklok has spent a reported 500 million in the recording studio so far ...
Reporter #2: [Pickles stomps on another pedal] - fan suicide rate is up, due to the album's late release -
[a fan shoots himself in front of the camera]
Reporter #3: [Pickles stomps on another pedal] - sources have corroborated that the band has recorded SIXTEEN individual albums, all deleted ...
Reporter #4: [Pickles stomps on the last pedal] - sources say the Dow Jones decline is directly related to Dethklok frontman Nathan Explosion's constantly deleting a potential new album ...
Pickles the Drummer: [Nathan moves his finger back to the "delete" button as his bandmates urge him not to push it] No, no, no, no, no, don't, no -
[Nathan pushes the button and deletes the album]
Pickles the Drummer: No!
[everyone groans]
Pickles the Drummer: Mmmm! Mother-douchebags! Did it again.
Toki Wartooth: Aw, dudes, what's wrong with that one?
Pickles the Drummer: Let me guess: not "heavy" enough? Not "tuned low" enough? Not "BRUTAL" enough?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dudes, we can'ts not tone it down any lower.
William Murderface: Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be BRUTAL enough for ya, me being dead?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Somebody should tells Murderface that it's not always - always about him.
Pickles the Drummer: So what? Now we're all the way back to square effin' one?
Nathan Explosion: Yeah, that's right. But here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna re-re-re-record it... right there.
[he points to a spot on the globe in the middle of the ocean]
Nathan Explosion: Right there!

Pickles the Drummer: Mother douchebags!

Pickles the Drummer: Ok, calm down, remember, we gotta be professional, ok? Unless he pushes us. In which case I swear to god I will effin' knife him in the...

Nathan Explosion: [Murderface is eating a giant bucket of beans] Maybe take it easy on those beans, Murderface?
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah I know man, have a little decency. I mean, we're stuck together in a freakin' submarine for Christ's sake.
William Murderface: Murderface:
[Spills beans everywhere]
William Murderface: Fine, how 'bout I starve to death, how's that?
William Murderface: Aw, excuse me. These boots are killing my feet!
[takes off his boots, farts]
William Murderface: These feet stink.

"Metalocalypse: Skwisklok (#1.11)" (2006)
William Murderface: We've been talking Skwisgaar and, we think this whole production could be a lot more... zippy. It just, it needs zazz! Am I, I mean I'm right to say that right?
Nathan Explosion: No, you're right to say that. It's just, you know, you could stand to zazz it a up a little bit more.
Pickles the Drummer: No offense Skwisgaar but I gotta say this whole thing, it uh, it lacks zazz.
William Murderface: You could just put it on the zazz train to zazz-ville.
Toki Wartooth: Yeah because no offense there's absolutely no zazz to be found, not here anyway, not in these parts.
Nathan Explosion: What we're trying to say is that there's two kinds of shows out there, those with and those without...
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Could you please stop saying zazz?
Nathan Explosion: Zazz.
Pickles the Drummer: Zazz.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Please stop saying zazz.
Pickles the Drummer: Why don't you let us help you out?
William Murderface: Yeah and lighten the load, make it more zaaa - ohh, you know.

Nathan Explosion: Hello. Isn't this a nice surprise? Me being here at this incredibly zazzy event.
William Murderface: A fantastic star-studded evening, of zazz!
Pickles the Drummer: Got any room for any more zazz up here?
Toki Wartooth: I think I have diabetes. I'm going to take a fucking nap.

Toki Wartooth: Ah, cool, you gots a new shipment of custom guitar!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, this is uh, some designs I'm messing around with, uh, this one is, um, Swiss Army-tar. It's a good guitar for a camping trip, it's got toothpick.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, good tone. What's that one right there?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Uhh, is just an Antfarm-itar. But, still workings on it.
William Murderface: Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, I'd stand on that.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yah, and this is the Gibson Excalibu-tar, ya know. And here's my guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.
William Murderface: Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?

Pickles the Drummer: Our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels. Nickels is money too guys.

"Metalocalypse: Birthdayface (#1.3)" (2006)
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hey Pickle, tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy.
Pickles the Drummer: Oh, right.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: It's hilarious.
Pickles the Drummer: That dude he headbutted? That guy was a Danish prince! Can you believe that?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [disgustedly] Pfft. The Dutch.
Pickles the Drummer: Oh, check it out, he's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull. Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.
William Murderface: Well, that's what he gets for goin' after my hog.
Pickles the Drummer: Awesome.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dude, I would've done the same thing.
[rolls his eyes]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dutch.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, well, it's official. I mean, you're gettin'... really... good at headbuttin'.

Pickles the Drummer: Hey douchebag!
[car is lowered down]
Pickles the Drummer: Happy birthday!
Nathan Explosion: Well what do you think?
Toki Wartooth: Big fat tires and everything!
William Murderface: But I already got, like, a million limos.
Pickles the Drummer: Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet.
Nathan Explosion: It's all souped up... and desecrated.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
Pickles the Drummer: And... you're entered in the first ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
Toki Wartooth: And I made you this macaroni murder lady! What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
William Murderface: You mean I get to destroy United States history... literally?
[sheds a bloody tear]

Nathan Explosion: And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players...
[empty box drops from ceiling]
Nathan Explosion: Nothing!
William Murderface: Awww you suck! You all suck!
[walks off stage]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh yeah? How bout you go play records backwards and go kill yourself?
Pickles the Drummer: Hey fatso, we got your favourite thing: disappointment!

"Metalocalypse: Dethtroll (#1.4)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: [the band is in Finland, making an apology speech for almost destroying the country during a previous tour. Nathan is having some difficulties reading the speech] Finland... we are here to... uhhh... apologize... for alleged... happenings... during... *during*... DUR-ING... uhhhh...
[he leans away from the mic]
Nathan Explosion: ... reading, reader, huh... hey, what the hell is this?
Charles Foster Ofdensen: You're, uh, trying to read the speech to people.
Nathan Explosion: Yeah, wait, hold on.
[he tosses the speech away]
Nathan Explosion: You know what? I pass.
[he takes out a beer, cracks it open, takes a swig, and walks away]
William Murderface: [Murderface steps up to the podium] Wrote my own speech. Hey f -
[he is cut off by his cell phone ringing loudly; he puts his paper down and answers the call]
William Murderface: Y'ello? Aw, what's happenin'? Uh-huh.
[the audience stares at him but he is oblivious]
William Murderface: Well, what did he say? What did *you* say? You did not!
[Pickles sighs resignedly]
William Murderface: I know. I *know*. Figure wh...
Pickles the Drummer: [Pickles pushes Murderface out of the way] Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing.
[he chuckles]
Pickles the Drummer: We're not professional apologizers! We're *musicians*.
[he mimes playing a guitar]
Pickles the Drummer: So... we wrote a song for you! A new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish Folklore Book of Necronomic Spells!
[the audience is shocked]
Nathan Explosion: [Nathan pushes Pickles out of the way] You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years! "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the lake troll!"

Charles Foster Ofdensen: [when Toki complains about the Dethphones] Well, it's, uh, your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a very convincing case to me, so.
Nathan Explosion: All right, you know we get really, *really* excited about really bad ideas when we drink. And it's your job to talk us out of it, right?
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.
Pickles the Drummer: So? Big deal, Those threats aren't new.
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Hmm? Noted.

"Metalocalypse: Religionklok (#1.15)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: So, where are we now?
Pickles the Drummer: This is the church of the atheists. They don't, uh, believe in God.
Nathan Explosion: Oh, like Toki and Skwisgaar?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No, we are nihilists? We don't believe in anything.
Nathan Explosion: But can't nihilists also... not... believe in god... too?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Well, I, uh... I don't know.

[Dethklok goes to a Prayer Bolt concert to help Murderface find religion]
Pickles the Drummer: Aw, come on. I grew up in the Midwest, I don't need to see another Christian rock band.
Nathan Explosion: Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support. Just give it a chance. See, it's... it's not so bad. It's, uh... fun?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [holding his hands over his ears] Ugh, there is no God, listen to his guitar.
[he groans in disgust]
Toki Wartooth: I'm gonna check out this Christian rock mosh pit.
[Toki runs around trying to get a pit going, knocking over a barrier so a sharp spike sticks up into the air]
Prayer Bolt Singer: Yeah! All right! Everybody! Praise the Lord!
[the singer stage dives, but the crowd moves out of the way and he impales himself on the spike]
William Murderface: I've seen enough. Pretty good.

"Metalocalypse: Fat Kid at the Detharmonic (#1.10)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: My god these things are amazing, check it out. I'm an eye docter.
[Points laser at Murderface]
Charles Foster Ofdensen: Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.
Nathan Explosion: Hey wait your turn.
William Murderface: Hey point that into my eyes again.
[gets lasered]
William Murderface: Ahh yes, awesome!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Point the laser beams at my too eye.
[gets lasered]
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Uhhhh. Cool!
Pickles the Drummer: Dude check it out if you press really hard on your eyes it's also awesome dude!
William Murderface: [Rubs eyes] Aww, awesome!
Toki Wartooth: Yes but checks this out. I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowjob!
[strains, nose bleeds]
Toki Wartooth: Dat's what I'm talking about!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: He means nosebleed, not blowjob. Idiot.

Nathan Explosion: I think I know, what you, are all trying to say... we need, a space helicopter.
Pickles the Drummer: That's impossible.

"Metalocalypse: Dethclown (#1.17)" (2006)
Pickles the Drummer: Going out all night long with guns? You know... guns are cool. So, um, what was I saying here?

"Metalocalypse: Go Forth and Die (#1.13)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: I'm totally freaking out!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Um, Nathans? What do yous do, before you're nervous, at de show?
William Murderface: You know what you do.
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, what'da you, what'da you do?
[shakes a bottle of liquor in front of Nathan]
Pickles the Drummer: What's Nathan do?
William Murderface: Just have a little drink!
Nathan Explosion: That's it, I just have a little drink!
[takes a huge swig]
Nathan Explosion: [At his GED test] I'm here to uhh, take the GBD.

"Metalocalypse: Dethfam (#1.6)" (2006)
Pickles the Drummer: [the band has agreed to meet in the bathroom of a restaurant; they are debating what to do about their intrusive families. Pickles storms through the door as Murderface is urinating] I'm gonna lose my mind, my parents just brag and brag about my brother! "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" BIG DEAL! He's an ex-con!
[he takes several puffs of an asthma inhaler]
Pickles the Drummer: I haven't used of these things for fifteen years.
Nathan Explosion: [Nathan and Skwisgaar burst in] WHAT THE FUCK!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw up!
William Murderface: What're you worried about? Your mom seems cool.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: She was the most pros-kwim-in-ous. Womens in Swedens has sex with everybody. Pfft! Thanks, Mom!
Nathan Explosion: The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
William Murderface: My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong, and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheelchair; she won't shut up about it!
Pickles the Drummer: Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem.
William Murderface: Of course! We have them put to sleep!
Pickles the Drummer: No, we lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at 'em. Buy that bastard a wheelchair; we'll take 'em miniature golfing or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're "interested" in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over... we'll ship 'em outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?
William Murderface: Okay.

"Metalocalypse: Dethecution (#2.1)" (2007)
Pickles: [about the band's return to performing] ... We're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever...
Charles Foster Ofdensen: You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?
Pickles: Heheh - no, that was a happy accident.

"Metalocalypse: Dethmas (#3.4)" (2009)
Toki Wartooth: What you means we can'ts do Secret Santas!
Nathan Explosion: Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: We don'ts thinks it's metals to be's nice to each others!
Toki Wartooth: But I fucking do!
Pickles: Toki, why don't you just fucking drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
Toki Wartooth: I's listenings to yous no more! I'ms goings shoppings! Yes, shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gift! And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces when I gives you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you!
[Storms out and slams the door]
Nathan Explosion: ...I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.

"Metalocalypse: Mordland (#1.9)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: [hungover] Why do I drink so much before stupid Fan Day?
William Murderface: [also hungover] I believe you drink *because* it's Fan Day.
Nathan Explosion: Oh, I don't w - don't talk to me about that. Wait, where's Skwisgaar?
Toki Wartooth: Oh, I don't think he's gonna be here for awhile.
[he chuckles]
Toki Wartooth: He had a... very big night with a... very *huge* fan.
Nathan Explosion: Yeah, we were all up late.
Toki Wartooth: Not me. I actually gots good rest.
Pickles the Drummer: [also hungover] Can you please... just be quiet for a second?
Toki Wartooth: Oh, what's wrong, Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle... maybe you should try pickle-herring sandwich, famous from Oslo!
[he puts the sandwich on Pickles' plate]
Fan: [Pickles gags, runs for the door, and throws it open, only to be confronted by a mob of fans] OH YEAH, PICKLES!
Pickles the Drummer: [Pickles slams the door in their faces] God! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house?
[he grabs his stomach]
Pickles the Drummer: Urgh!
William Murderface: Oh, God! So what are you, bulimia?
Nathan Explosion: Oh, great. Now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction puke... th... a-thon.
Toki Wartooth: [Pickles gags and his cheeks bulge. Murderface, Toki, and Nathan follow suit. They all vomit their food back up, except Nathan, who glances around, then pukes blood everywhere] Oh, blood puke! Good song title! Someone write that - oh, wait, we already wrote that. Good song, though.
Nathan Explosion: Ohh... urgh... I think I need another liver transplant.

"Metalocalypse: P.R. Pickles (#2.7)" (2008)
Pickles: Hey, do we have any songs with the word 'destiny' in it?
Nathan Explosion: Uh, I dunno... I guess I could throw it in there. I mean, people can't hear what I'm saying anyway.

"Metalocalypse: Dethlessons (#2.2)" (2007)
Pickles: Wow, you are a dick!
Nathan Explosion: Yeah, you got it down to a science.
William Murderface: You notice how I'm not mad, he gets mad. That's being a dick.

"Metalocalypse: The Metalocalypse Has Begun (#1.20)" (2006)
Pickles the Drummer: Dude, it was a fan attack! That's what Ofdensen warned us about!
Nathan Explosion: Why do fans feel that they have to do that? I mean, what, to get noticed?
William Murderface: I know. There's so many nice kids out there, and then just a couple of them gotta attack you. It just spoils it for everyone.
Nathan Explosion: I know, it's sad. It's sad for them.
Pickles the Drummer: It *is* sad. It's sad for *them*.
William Murderface: Seriously, it's pathetic. It just makes me feel sorry for them, that's all.
Pickles the Drummer: [floodlights suddenly turn on above the band] Oh, must be a rescue team. Hey, guys, down here!
[the floodlights reveal a multitude of heavily armed and armored soldiers and several tanks]
Pickles the Drummer: It's us, Dethklok, stranded in the middle of nowhere!
William Murderface: Oh, I hope they brought some fuckin' food!
Nathan Explosion: I feel like eating cheese. Like, really fancy cheese, like... what's the name of that cheese, Renoir?
Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, I could do that. Maybe a little Kool-Aid of, you know... of the, you know, the grape persuasion...
Nathan Explosion: That's what I'm talkin' about.
William Murderface: [several sleeping gas grenades land at the band's feet] Oh, look. Firecrackers.
Nathan Explosion: Oh, let's steal 'em!
William Murderface: I remember when I was a k...
[Muderface, Nathan, and Pickles all pass out and start snoring]

"Metalocalypse: Dethkids (#1.16)" (2006)
Nathan Explosion: You feeling okay?
Pickles: [More drunk than he's ever been in his life] Yeeuh.
Nathan Explosion: Okay, cause you sound a little, you're slurring.
Pickles: Dude, I'm... I'm fine.
Nathan Explosion: I want you to engineer this section because these guys are paying me a lot of money and I don't want to pay anyone to keep it all, I don't want to give it to anybody else like a dumb engineer alright.
Pickles: Dude.
Nathan Explosion: Alright, thanks. Alright, now...
Pickles: Yeah.
Nathan Explosion: Make sure the levels are... yeah...
Pickles: Dude, lights are blinking right here.
Nathan Explosion: Alright, now, I want to do this in one take because this guy wrote a lot of stuff got it?
Pickles: Alright, yeah.
Nathan Explosion: Here we go.
Pickles: K. Go!
Nathan Explosion: "To be or not to be that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer..."
[Hours pass as Nathan gets more and more hoarse from reading Shakespear in death metal vocals, Pickles is almost dead from booze and boredom]
Pickles: Dude, Nathan, you're gonna kill me, but I totally forgot to press record. Uhh, but here's the good news. I'm sorry!
Nathan Explosion: [Camera flies down his throat as he tries to scream, but no sound will escape]

"Metalocalypse: Girlfriendklok (#1.18)" (2006)
Toki Wartooth: [the band has decided to do something about Nathan's insane girlfriend. They are standing over his bed, watching him sleep] You bastard.
[he raises a baseball bat]
Toki Wartooth: Why you makes me do this?
Nathan Explosion: [wakes up] Wha -
[Toki clocks him over the head, and he blacks outs]
Nathan Explosion: [later; Nathan is tied to a chair in a dark room, lit by a single bare lightbulb. Someone throws water over him to wake him up] Whoa! What the hell are you guys doing? I can't move!
[Pickles slaps him across the face]
Pickles the Drummer: [taking a drag from a joint and exhaling] Yeah... funny thing about bein' tied down...
[he flicks the joint at Nathan's face; Nathan shouts in pain]
Pickles the Drummer: ... it's hard to keep your defenses up.
Nathan Explosion: [Toki walks up and punches Nathan in the stomach; he groans] Why... are... you doing this?
William Murderface: [rubbing a meat cleaver and a long knife together] You've been blinded by a manipulative cow. And we're here to save you. Taser him.
Nathan Explosion: [Toki shoots Nathan with a taser]
[in agony]
Nathan Explosion: Whooooaaaaaa! Whoooooaaa! Stop! Stop! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!
Pickles the Drummer: Stop.
[Toki stops]
Pickles the Drummer: Take five on the juice, Toki.
[Toki briefly shocks Nathan again]
Nathan Explosion: [in pain] Whoa!
Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [standing behind Nathan's chair] Your attitude... is unacceptable. With... wha... er... why do you like that lady?
Pickles the Drummer: Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog.
[he throws his head back and howls]
Nathan Explosion: Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.
William Murderface: You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?
Nathan Explosion: I don't know!
William Murderface: Toki.
[Toki tasers Nathan again]
Nathan Explosion: [in pain] Whoa!
[Toki stops]
Nathan Explosion: It's the most brutal thing ever! It's not like regular hate! It's so much... more black! If she were a street gang, I'd fuckin' go to war with her with bottles and chains! But this is different! There's nothing I can do!
Pickles the Drummer: [Pickles punches Nathan repeatedly in the stomach] There's nothin' you can do? There's nothin' you can do?
[he punches Nathan in the mouth]
Nathan Explosion: I could possibly break up with her, but dear God, man, you don't know what she's like! What if she won't let me?
[Toki cocks a crossbow and aims it at Nathan's crotch]
Nathan Explosion: You're right! You're right, oh, God, you're right! I'm sorry!
[he starts sobbing]
Nathan Explosion: I'm sorry!
[he is blubbering now as Murderface cuts his bonds]
Nathan Explosion: I'm sorry...
[he gets up, and Pickles embraces him]