Vince Masuka
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Quotes for
Vince Masuka (Character)
from "Dexter" (2006)

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"Dexter: Morning Comes (#2.8)" (2007)
Lila: I like to celebrate little things in life
Vince Masuka: If you like little things, I am your man... I mean, I'm not little everywhere. In some places I'm just perfectly average.

Vince Masuka: [talking about FBI agents] Who wears a wool suit in the middle of summer in Miami?
Vince Masuka: [after a pause] Nazis.

Vince Masuka: [talking about Lila] How come you got a hug and I got a pat on the nose?
Angel Batista: Because you're like a retarded puppy.

Vince Masuka: [watching Lundy strut away] That's exactly how Hitler walked.

"Dexter: Turning Biminese (#3.5)" (2008)
Angel Batista: There's this cold case I'm looking at. A dead John. Now when you were working vice did you bust the same places over and over again?
Debra Morgan: Uh, not really. Most guys are regulars so word gets out quick if a place is hot. So we move the decoys around
[Masuka approaches]
Debra Morgan: But if you really want to know about paying for sex you should talk to Masuka.
Angel Batista: Hey Vince, hold up. Did you get a chance to look at the Sheriff's Department forensics regarding their vic?
Vince Masuka: I fucking would if they'd fucking send it. I've called four fucking times!
Debra Morgan: Man, somebody needs a hug! I'd offer but I don't know what I'd catch!
Vince Masuka: Can I go now?
Debra Morgan: You know, I can take inappropriate Masuka, I can take porn loving Masuka, I can even take flatulent Masuka, but this dress shoe wearing, please and thank you zombie Masuka is fucking creeping me out!
Vince Masuka: Maybe I'm realizing no one around here is my friend. The only reason you people even acknowledge me is when you want something.
Angel Batista: That's not true. We put you on our bowling team!
Vince Masuka: Only because you wanted to keep everyone's handicap higher to sandbag the other teams.
Angel Batista: Okay, that's true but...
Vince Masuka: [interrupts] Not one person read my paper. Not one fucking person showed up at the conference I spoke at.
Debra Morgan: This is about yor stupid paper?
Vince Masuka: You guys just don't get it. You hurt my feelings.

Ramon Prado: I was also hoping I could speak with a couple of your previous witnesses.
Debra Morgan: Speak with? As in we didn't do it right the first time?
Ramon Prado: Cases evolve. Witnesses change their stories, junior personnel, they make mistakes.
[to Debra]
Ramon Prado: No disrespect.
Joey Quinn: Oh, whoa! Actually that's a lot of disrespect. You've come into our house twice, you not only insult our police work, now you're insulting one of the most dedicated officers I've ever partnered with
[to Debra]
Joey Quinn: Yes, you. It's bullshit, my man!
Ramon Prado: Let's not lose sight of the fact that we want the same thing here. To find whoever is responsible for these murders.
Vince Masuka: Uh, there is one slight problem. Your case has nothing to do with our case.
Angel Batista: The vic wasn't skinned?
Vince Masuka: Not like our previous victims. There were minute traces of papillary and reticular...
Angel Batista: [quietly to Masuka] English.
Vince Masuka: Someone dug out a tattoo from the back of her neck. Post mortem. Which is another reason why I don't think we're looking at the same killer. It's all right here in the County Medical Examiner's Report.
Ramon Prado: That's your opinion. My lab thinks differently.
Angel Batista: Let me see that!
Ramon Prado: You're not taking this seriously are you?
Debra Morgan: In a fucking heartbeat! Do you know how many times Vince Masuka's been published?
Angel Batista: He's our lead forensic investigator. And there's no one better.
Ramon Prado: Our victim was strangled, the same as yours.
Vince Masuka: Petechial hemorrhaging in the eyes and bruising would lead one to conclude strangulation. Unless you're me. You were so busy playing hide the sausage with the M.E.'s report you were hoping I'd miss the cotton fibers in the nose and airways. Your victim was smothered. That's not opinion, that's science. And science is one cold hearted bitch with a 14 inch strap on!
Debra Morgan: And he's back!

Debra Morgan: If you really want to know about paying for sex, you should talk to Masuka.
[as Masuka walking by]
Angel Batista: Hey Vince, hold up. Did you get a chance to look at the, uh, Sheriff's Department forensics regarding their vic?
Vince Masuka: I fuckin' would if they'd fuckin' send them. I've called 4 fuckin' times.
Debra Morgan: Man! Somebody needs a hug. I offer, but I don't know what I'd catch.

Vince Masuka: Your victim was smothered. That's not opinion, that's science. And science is one cold-hearted bitch with a 14" strap-on.

"Dexter: An Inconvenient Lie (#2.3)" (2007)
Vince Masuka: Who's your daddy?
Dexter Morgan: Uh... Harry Morgan.

Vince Masuka: [watching Pascal on TV] The boss' sweater melons look bigger on TV.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: The operative word is "boss". Show some respect.
Vince Masuka: I thought I was.

Vince Masuka: Most of them have been underwater for years. But some, it's awesome, you can't even tell. The temperature on the ocean floor, and the airtight bags kept them intact. I mean, a little gelatinous residue, sure. But...
Dexter Morgan: [voiceover] I'd rather remember my old playmates as they were. Neat, clean little packages.

"Dexter: What's Eating Dexter Morgan? (#8.3)" (2013)
Vince Masuka: Ah, suicide. Makes our lives so much easier.
Det. Angie Miller: You should put that on a T-shirt.

Lt. Angel Batista: M.E.'s report is back from the cabin. They've officially ruled Lyle Sussman's death as a suicide. So with that, the Brain Surgeon case is officially closed.
Deputy Chief Tom Matthews: Okay. I'll call Evelyn, thank her for her help.
Vince Masuka: [leaning close and whispering to Det. Miller] "Evelyn"? Someone's got a high hard one for the good doctor.
Det. Angie Miller: What did I say about standing too close?
Deputy Chief Tom Matthews: Any progress on that El Sapo shooting?
Lt. Angel Batista: Still no leads. I've been going back and forth with Ft. Lauderdale P.D. Apparently, El Sapo was a suspect in the stabbing of a smash-and-grab lowlife by the name of Andrew Briggs.
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] The cops will never find out that Deb killed El Sapo. So right now, I can focus on protecting Vogel... and myself.
[on his iPhone 4S, Dexter launches the FriendZone app and searches for... ]
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] Ron Galuzzo. He could be hunting me right now.
[Dexter follows a link from Galuzzo's profile field for Occupation to the Work Out City website]
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] Or he could be selling fitness equipment at the mall.
Lt. Angel Batista: Good work today, everyone.

"Dexter: Dex, Lies, and Videotape (#2.6)" (2007)
Vince Masuka: Agent Lundy.
Special Agent Frank Lundy: [nodes]
Vince Masuka: So I hear a rumor you're tracking all our internet activity. So is it true? 'Cause I can explain all that she-male stuff.

Special Agent Frank Lundy: Is this a lion or a hippo?
Vince Masuka: I think it's a lion.
Special Agent Frank Lundy: Tastes like a hippo.

"Dexter: Hungry Man (#4.9)" (2009)
Vince Masuka: Chocolate Lava Cakes. My specialty!
Debra Morgan: You have a specialty?
Vince Masuka: A river of chocolate love that melts in your mouth!
Debra Morgan: Wow!
[smiles wryly]
Debra Morgan: You can make anything sound perverted!
Vince Masuka: [with a typical Masuka shit eating grin] It's a gift!

Debra Morgan: You know, I could use a wing-man.
Vince Masuka: [instantly] Yes.
Debra Morgan: I can't promise it'll be any fun.
Vince Masuka: Well, I could be your thigh man.
[creepy giggle]

"Dexter: It's Alive! (#2.1)" (2007)
Vince Masuka: Keep your mind limber
Dexter Morgan: I'm doing mental jumping jacks

Vince Masuka: [Deciding on who gets to inspect the body] Alright, call it - heads or tails?
Dexter Morgan: Heads.
Vince Masuka: [Dexter goes to see the body] I didn't flip yet!
Dexter Morgan: You said call it.

"Dexter: Popping Cherry (#1.3)" (2006)
Angel Batista: She's a butterface.
Dexter Morgan: What's a butterface?
Angel Batista: You know, compadre. She's got a hot body - but her face.
Dexter Morgan: Oh.
Vince Masuka: How great would it be to pull a bronco on her? Yeah? Yeah?
[Dexter is baffled again]
Angel Batista: You do it doggie-style. Right? And just when she's getting into it, you grab her by the hips, and you yell another woman's name, and, bam, you're riding her like a bronco, because she's trying to buck you off.
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] Many times in life I feel like I'm missing some essential piece of the human puzzle. This is one of them.

"Dexter: Dress Code (#8.7)" (2013)
Niki Walters: Hey, what are you doing here?
Vince Masuka: I came here to see you. I didn't realize this place was a breast-aurant.
[props-up a menu between them]

"Dexter: Go Your Own Way (#3.10)" (2008)
Vince Masuka: I got a reputation to live up to: I mean, if my show doesn't make people vomit and have an erection at the same time, then I've let my audience down.

"Dexter: Born Free (#1.12)" (2006)
Vince Masuka: Hey Dexter, better bundle up.
Dexter Morgan: I like the cold.
Vince Masuka: You know, hypothermia can easily sneak up on you.
Dexter Morgan: Yea, so can hypochondria.

"Dexter: Teenage Wasteland (#5.9)" (2010)
Dexter Morgan: [narrating while looking at photo] She's not a victim. She's alive, boozing it up in Coral Gables. Two DUIs in three years.
Vince Masuka: I guess I messed up.
Dexter Morgan: [narrating] If she's not a victim, then who is she?
Vince Masuka: No worries. When you mess up, it makes me feel better about me.

"Dexter: First Blood (#5.5)" (2010)
Vince Masuka: [displaying his whole-back tattoo] The dragon lady represents the dualities of my inner warrior.
Det. Debra Morgan: Or your inner idiot.

"Dexter: Easy as Pie (#3.7)" (2008)
Dexter Morgan: Hey guys, I need your addresses for the wedding and I need to know if you're bringing dates.
Angel Batista: Can we bring just friends?
Vince Masuka: I never bring dates to a wedding. Best man always hooks up with the maid of honor.
Dexter Morgan: The maid of honor is Rita's daughter. She's ten.

"Dexter: The Lion Sleeps Tonight (#3.3)" (2008)
Vince Masuka: [finds his article in Quinn's trash] What is that?
Joey Quinn: Oh, uh...
Vince Masuka: You stuck a piece of chewing gum on it?
Joey Quinn: Uh, I'm sorry.
Vince Masuka: This is a deliberate insult against me and my people.
Joey Quinn: C'mon, c'mon...
Vince Masuka: [storms off] Asswipe.
Joey Quinn: [to Batista] Who the fuck are his people?
Angel Batista: I don't know. Little scientists, I guess.

"Dexter: Return to Sender (#1.6)" (2006)
Dexter Morgan: What am I even looking for?
Vince Masuka: Wait for it.
Dexter Morgan: This is a prelim. I don't have time to...
Vince Masuka: M-fucking-99.
Dexter Morgan: Etorphine hydrochloride?
Vince Masuka: An animal tranquillizer more powerful than morphine. Causes total paralysis. That mark on her neck kept bugging me, so I ordered up a tox screen.
Dexter Morgan: [voiceover] That's it. No more doughnuts for Masuka.

"Dexter: Shrink Wrap (#1.8)" (2006)
Sergeant James Doakes: Morgan, what took you so long?
Vince Masuka: Playing "hide the salami" with Mr. Prosthetics?
Debra Morgan: I don't fuck and tell.
Vince Masuka: Since when?
Debra Morgan: Can we go inside? I'm kind of wet.
Vince Masuka: [going to say something witty]
Debra Morgan: Don't!

"Dexter: Everything Is Illumenated (#5.6)" (2010)
Debra Morgan: What in the mother-of-fuck went on here?
Vince Masuka: I know exactly what happened. Two words: auto-erotic, mummification. See, Mr. Plastic Man, shot Captain Bloody Underpants, while Underpants was in mid-choke. Mr. Plastic Man, his hammocks between Underpants'...
[rambles on punctuating with crude hand gestures]
Dexter Morgan: [narrating] Thanks to Masuka's keen expertise, Debra will be able to close this case. Evidence will go into a baker's box and be filed away, eventually transferred to a storage facility in Bradenton. And that is where it will stay. Locked away, forever in the dark. If only everything were that simple.
Debra Morgan: Thank you for that visual.
Vince Masuka: Asphyxiation has its high, but it's not without its risks. By the way, I wouldn't touch the nozzle of that hose.

"Dexter: Beauty and the Beast (#5.4)" (2010)
Dexter Morgan: Has anyone been smoking in here?
Vince Masuka: It's 2010, who smokes?

"Dexter: This Is the Way the World Ends (#6.12)" (2011)
Vince Masuka: [imitating Yoda to Louis] Finish training, you must. Save you, it will, Luke.

"Dexter: Get Gellar (#6.9)" (2011)
Vince Masuka: When it comes to matters of the heart: Always follow your dick!

"Dexter: Left Turn Ahead (#2.11)" (2007)
Vince Masuka: Love is a battlefield.
Debra Morgan: Or in your case, a restraining order.

"Dexter: The British Invasion (#2.12)" (2007)
Vince Masuka: A badass like Doakes would rather burn than get burned - that's a good line for my movie. I better write it down!

"Dexter: Living the Dream (#4.1)" (2009)
Vince Masuka: Talk about your blood bath!
[goofy laugh]
Vince Masuka: Tough room. Okay, femoral artery's severed. She bled out in minutes.
Joey Quinn: Suicide?
Debra Morgan: No weapon on the premises.
Vince Masuka: The coroner can suck my uncircumcised dick if he doesn't rule this a homicide!
Debra Morgan: That's way TMI, Masuka. Employment records show she just got promoted to Sous Chef.
Vince Masuka: A total babe! And she could cook! Had it all goin' on!
Debra Morgan: And then, this.
Dexter Morgan: It's a very well organized crime scene. The assailant took his time, cleaned up after himself.
[voice over]
Dexter Morgan: Obviously doesn't have kids.

"Dexter: Finding Freebo (#3.2)" (2008)
Vince Masuka: Step away from the incense. This is America, buddy. Freedom of religion.
Dexter Morgan: I didn't realize you were a buddhist, Vince. Japanese are traditionally shinto.
Vince Masuka: Really? Oh, whatever. I bought all this shit off my manicurist. Need all the luck I can get. Got a crucifix up there too.
Dexter Morgan: Because it did so much for Jesus?

"Dexter: Crocodile (#1.2)" (2006)
Debra Morgan: Watching ice melt, this is fun.
Vince Masuka: Stand a little closer, Morgan, and I'll melt your heart.
Angel Batista: I think he's got a crush on you, Dex!
Dexter Morgan: Huh?
Vince Masuka: Yo, I was talking to Morgan the sister. Vince Masuka only swings one way.
Debra Morgan: Yeah, from vine to vine...
Lt. Maria Laguerta: Enough! Glad to see the sexual harassment seminar really paid off.

"Dexter: There's Something About Harry (#2.10)" (2007)
[Debra storms in on Vince and Dexter]
Vince Masuka: Oh, she's gonna hit you, isn't she?
Dexter Morgan: "She's" gonna hit someone if you don't get the fuck out of here.
Vince Masuka: [whispers to Dexter as he leaves] Hair-pulling may not be manly, but it's very effective.

"Dexter: Love American Style (#1.5)" (2006)
Vince Masuka: [pointing to the gurney on which Tony Tucci had lain and had bled] Hey, Dexter, you, uh, you get all this blood on camera yet?
Dexter Morgan: Let's start shooting it, Jackson Pollock.

"Dexter: Once Upon a Time... (#6.2)" (2011)
Vince Masuka: [about viral video] She a superstar. I mean, have you guys read the comments about her?
Debra Morgan: Oh, she has. And if you're the one who wrote the poem about my ass...
Vince Masuka: I know not of what you speak. And it was a limerick, thank you.

"Dexter: Waiting to Exhale (#2.2)" (2007)
Vince Masuka: Eight confirmed
Dexter Morgan: Eight confirmed? Here?
Angel Batista: No. Here is just one.
Vince Masuka: We're talking eight confirmed victims of the Bay Harbor Butcher.
Dexter Morgan: The Bay Harbor... Butcher?
Vince Masuka: That's what the press is calling whoever dumped those bodies off shore. Has a nice ring to it, no?
Dexter Morgan: Well, it's a little... lurid
Angel Batista: Lurid and possibly wrong. Part of me's hoping they found the Ice Truck Killer's dumping ground.
Dexter Morgan: Tell me about it. Last thing Miami needs is another serial killer.