Lt. Angel Batista
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Quotes for
Lt. Angel Batista (Character)
from "Dexter" (2006)

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"Dexter: Easy as Pie (#3.7)" (2008)
Angel Batista: How much coffee have you had?
Debra Morgan: A metric fuck-ton.
Angel Batista: You should stop, it's giving you Tourettes.

Dexter Morgan: Hey guys, I need your addresses for the wedding and I need to know if you're bringing dates.
Angel Batista: Can we bring just friends?
Vince Masuka: I never bring dates to a wedding. Best man always hooks up with the maid of honor.
Dexter Morgan: The maid of honor is Rita's daughter. She's ten.

Debra Morgan: Two of my witnesses have turned up dead. You wanna see a third?
Det. Joseph 'Joey' Quinn: Anton's already got a target on his back by helping us. This will protect him.
Debra Morgan: [Sarcastic] Yeah, right.
Angel Batista: I'm gonna keep Anton in the dark for now. But I want eyes on him at all times. Understand?
[Quinn nods and leaves. Dexter comes up to Deb]
Dexter Morgan: Hey, Deb?
Debra Morgan: What?
Dexter Morgan: Are you gonna bring a date to the wedding?
Debra Morgan: I don't know, Dex. I might be too busy picking up pieces of Anton's *skin* to even be there.
Dexter Morgan: ...So you're a "maybe"?


"Dexter: Let's Give the Boy a Hand (#1.4)" (2006)
Angel Batista: I need your expertise, bro.
Dexter Morgan: I live to serve.
Angel Batista: Excuse us, fellas.
[He shows Dexter a severed hand, leaned upright in a beach chair, with a puddle of red blood beneath it]
Dexter Morgan: Interesting hand job.
Angel Batista: [chuckles] That's funny.
Dexter Morgan: [looking confused] It is?

Dexter Morgan: "Ox?"
Angel Batista: No. Fuck! What's the matter with you? It's X's and O's.
Dexter Morgan: Like tic-tac-toe?
Angel Batista: Like hugs and kisses! Diamond-filled hugs and kisses in a white gold setting
Dexter Morgan: Well, that's good, because you wouldn't want it to look like someone's playing tic-tac-toe on her head.

Angel Batista: Where's your brother?
Debra Morgan: I'm not his keeper.


"Dexter: Turning Biminese (#3.5)" (2008)
Angel Batista: There's this cold case I'm looking at. A dead John. Now when you were working vice did you bust the same places over and over again?
Debra Morgan: Uh, not really. Most guys are regulars so word gets out quick if a place is hot. So we move the decoys around
[Masuka approaches]
Debra Morgan: But if you really want to know about paying for sex you should talk to Masuka.
Angel Batista: Hey Vince, hold up. Did you get a chance to look at the Sheriff's Department forensics regarding their vic?
Vince Masuka: I fucking would if they'd fucking send it. I've called four fucking times!
Debra Morgan: Man, somebody needs a hug! I'd offer but I don't know what I'd catch!
Vince Masuka: Can I go now?
Debra Morgan: You know, I can take inappropriate Masuka, I can take porn loving Masuka, I can even take flatulent Masuka, but this dress shoe wearing, please and thank you zombie Masuka is fucking creeping me out!
Vince Masuka: Maybe I'm realizing no one around here is my friend. The only reason you people even acknowledge me is when you want something.
Angel Batista: That's not true. We put you on our bowling team!
Vince Masuka: Only because you wanted to keep everyone's handicap higher to sandbag the other teams.
Angel Batista: Okay, that's true but...
Vince Masuka: [interrupts] Not one person read my paper. Not one fucking person showed up at the conference I spoke at.
Debra Morgan: This is about yor stupid paper?
Vince Masuka: You guys just don't get it. You hurt my feelings.

Ramon Prado: I was also hoping I could speak with a couple of your previous witnesses.
Debra Morgan: Speak with? As in we didn't do it right the first time?
Ramon Prado: Cases evolve. Witnesses change their stories, junior personnel, they make mistakes.
[to Debra]
Ramon Prado: No disrespect.
Joey Quinn: Oh, whoa! Actually that's a lot of disrespect. You've come into our house twice, you not only insult our police work, now you're insulting one of the most dedicated officers I've ever partnered with
[to Debra]
Joey Quinn: Yes, you. It's bullshit, my man!
Ramon Prado: Let's not lose sight of the fact that we want the same thing here. To find whoever is responsible for these murders.
Vince Masuka: Uh, there is one slight problem. Your case has nothing to do with our case.
Angel Batista: The vic wasn't skinned?
Vince Masuka: Not like our previous victims. There were minute traces of papillary and reticular...
Angel Batista: [quietly to Masuka] English.
Vince Masuka: Someone dug out a tattoo from the back of her neck. Post mortem. Which is another reason why I don't think we're looking at the same killer. It's all right here in the County Medical Examiner's Report.
Ramon Prado: That's your opinion. My lab thinks differently.
Angel Batista: Let me see that!
Ramon Prado: You're not taking this seriously are you?
Debra Morgan: In a fucking heartbeat! Do you know how many times Vince Masuka's been published?
Angel Batista: He's our lead forensic investigator. And there's no one better.
Ramon Prado: Our victim was strangled, the same as yours.
Vince Masuka: Petechial hemorrhaging in the eyes and bruising would lead one to conclude strangulation. Unless you're me. You were so busy playing hide the sausage with the M.E.'s report you were hoping I'd miss the cotton fibers in the nose and airways. Your victim was smothered. That's not opinion, that's science. And science is one cold hearted bitch with a 14 inch strap on!
Debra Morgan: And he's back!

Debra Morgan: If you really want to know about paying for sex, you should talk to Masuka.
[as Masuka walking by]
Angel Batista: Hey Vince, hold up. Did you get a chance to look at the, uh, Sheriff's Department forensics regarding their vic?
Vince Masuka: I fuckin' would if they'd fuckin' send them. I've called 4 fuckin' times.
Debra Morgan: Man! Somebody needs a hug. I offer, but I don't know what I'd catch.


"Dexter: Popping Cherry (#1.3)" (2006)
Angel Batista: [about the body found on the ice of a hockey arena] What do you think he's trying to tell us?
Dexter Morgan: That hockey's a violent sport?

Angel Batista: She's a butterface.
Dexter Morgan: What's a butterface?
Angel Batista: You know, compadre. She's got a hot body - but her face.
Dexter Morgan: Oh.
Vince Masuka: How great would it be to pull a bronco on her? Yeah? Yeah?
[Dexter is baffled again]
Angel Batista: You do it doggie-style. Right? And just when she's getting into it, you grab her by the hips, and you yell another woman's name, and, bam, you're riding her like a bronco, because she's trying to buck you off.
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] Many times in life I feel like I'm missing some essential piece of the human puzzle. This is one of them.


"Dexter: Hello, Dexter Morgan (#4.11)" (2009)
[first lines]
Sgt. Angel Batista: I'm gonna ask you again, how are you related to the Trinity Killer?
Christine Hill: And I'm gonna tell you again, I don't know.
Sgt. Angel Batista: Your DNA matches his.
Christine Hill: I don't know anything about that.
Sgt. Angel Batista: Which raises one huge question. Who are you.
Dexter Morgan: [narrating] Who are any of us, really? We all have our public life, our private life...
Harry Morgan: [appearing] ... And your secret life. The one the defines you.

Christine Hill: I don't know who my father is.
Sgt. Angel Batista: He is the Trinity Killer. And he's been sending you postcards from hell!


"Dexter: Morning Comes (#2.8)" (2007)
Debra Morgan: The Bay Harbor Butcher is one of our own...
Special Agent Frank Lundy: We keep this to ourselves for now. Just the three of us.
Angel Batista: No, I'm gonna go tell it to a bottle of scotch.

Vince Masuka: [talking about Lila] How come you got a hug and I got a pat on the nose?
Angel Batista: Because you're like a retarded puppy.


"Dexter: It's Alive! (#2.1)" (2007)
Angel Batista: Don't forget. Tell the universe what you need.
Dexter Morgan: [voiceover] I really need... to kill somebody.

Dexter Morgan: [thoughts] With Doakes following me, my life has been all Jekyll and no Hyde. No moonlit playdates. No late night social calls. Not one. My brother would be so disappointed.
Angel Batista: Don't forget! Tell the universe what you really need!
Dexter Morgan: [thoughts] I really need... to kill somebody.


"Dexter: The Dark... Whatever (#7.10)" (2012)
[first lines]
Female Witness: [siren blaring] I saw him, and he was coming through the flames. He was wearing a silver-colored suit.
Sgt. Angel Batista: That's our phantom arsonist.
Male Witness: He looked like an alien.
Female Witness: Or a monster. I swear, he was 7 feet tall.
Dexter Morgan: [narrating] Monsters, aliens, phantoms - none of them are real. The thought that an actual person could do this is too awful, so our imaginations create a way to make it easier to take. But even the strongest of imaginations can't protect us once we know the truth.

[last lines]
Debra Morgan: I need your help. We need to find a woman named Arlene Shram.
Sgt. Angel Batista: Sure. Who's that?
Debra Morgan: According to a message I got last night from Hannah McKay's father, she's a witness to a murder.


"Dexter: There's Something About Harry (#2.10)" (2007)
Det. Angel Batista: You ever try and run in the sand?
Lila Tournay: I never run, you're a better man than me.
Det. Angel Batista: I'm glad you think so.

Det. Angel Batista: [concerning his daughter] What does a 7-year-old girl like?
Dexter Morgan: Astor likes CNN.


"Dexter: Love American Style (#1.5)" (2006)
Angel Batista: [hungover] I guess I had one too many, huh?
Dexter Morgan: And then about 10 more.

Angel Batista: You're kind of neat, aren't you?
Dexter Morgan: Bad habit instilled by mom.


"Dexter: Waiting to Exhale (#2.2)" (2007)
Angel Batista: You want me to knock on some doors?
Sergeant James Doakes: Or maybe some heads?

Vince Masuka: Eight confirmed
Dexter Morgan: Eight confirmed? Here?
Angel Batista: No. Here is just one.
Vince Masuka: We're talking eight confirmed victims of the Bay Harbor Butcher.
Dexter Morgan: The Bay Harbor... Butcher?
Vince Masuka: That's what the press is calling whoever dumped those bodies off shore. Has a nice ring to it, no?
Dexter Morgan: Well, it's a little... lurid
Angel Batista: Lurid and possibly wrong. Part of me's hoping they found the Ice Truck Killer's dumping ground.
Dexter Morgan: Tell me about it. Last thing Miami needs is another serial killer.


"Dexter: Truth Be Told (#1.11)" (2006)
Det. Angel Batista: If I'd have known that this would get you back in the same room with me, I would have gotten stabbed sooner.


"Dexter: The Big One (#5.12)" (2010)
Dexter Morgan: Passive blood-pooling. I'm guessing he was probably held down as the knife went in. Died instantly.
Sgt. Angel Batista: So the killer knew what he was doing?
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] Sure felt like it at the time.


"Dexter: Slack Tide (#4.7)" (2009)
[last lines]
Dexter Morgan: Isn't that...?
Sgt. Angel Batista: Farrow's assistant. I just arrested him for the murder of Estrella Carazo.
Dexter Morgan: But no I thought...
Sgt. Angel Batista: Yeah. At first it looked like Farrow, but this is airtight. We got camera footage from the toll booth of him heading over to Alligator Alley, we got DNA evidence, we got everything.
[Dexter goes slowly into his office and crouches down by the door]
Dexter Morgan: [whispering] I killed an innocent man.


"Dexter: That Night, a Forest Grew (#2.7)" (2007)
Det. Angel Batista: Kill one man and you're a murder. Kill thousands and you're a conqueror. Kill them all and you're a God. Does this sound like our guy has a narcissistic personality disorder? That's a God complex.
Dexter Morgan: I think you're on to something Angel.
Dexter Morgan: [thinking to himself] To tell you the truth, I don't know *what* my alter-ego had in mind when he wrote that crap. I just pulled from various blogs on the internet, mixed and matched. Presto manifesto.


"Dexter: Father Knows Best (#1.9)" (2006)
Sgt. James Doakes: I saw a gun in the suspect's waistband. I went to question him, and he took off running when he saw me.
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Angel, you saw all this?
[Angel looks at Doakes almost hesitantly]
Angel Batista: Yeah, I saw
[Bayarde?]
Angel Batista: bolt, and I turned the car around in pursuit.
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: All right, then when you went under the Causeway?
[Dexter approaches them]
Sgt. James Doakes: He took a shot at me. I took cover and returned fire from that corner.
Dexter Morgan: No, not from there.
Sgt. James Doakes: Yeah, from fuckin' right there!
[Angel and LaGuerta look at Doakes, then at Dexter]
Dexter Morgan: Look, if you shot him from there, the blood splatter would go in that direction, but look at the patterns.
Sgt. James Doakes: [angry] You questionin' me? 'Cause I got a lot of questions for you!
Angel Batista: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, the man's just doing what he's supposed to do.
Sgt. James Doakes: The man is a fuckin' creep job!
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: [placatingly] James, just focus on the facts, okay? Now, the D.A.'s Team is ready for you. Are you good?
Sgt. James Doakes: I'm good.
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Yeah. You're up next.
Dexter Morgan: [amused, to Angel] Sorry, but I didn't invent physics.


"Dexter: What's Eating Dexter Morgan? (#8.3)" (2013)
Lt. Angel Batista: M.E.'s report is back from the cabin. They've officially ruled Lyle Sussman's death as a suicide. So with that, the Brain Surgeon case is officially closed.
Deputy Chief Tom Matthews: Okay. I'll call Evelyn, thank her for her help.
Vince Masuka: [leaning close and whispering to Det. Miller] "Evelyn"? Someone's got a high hard one for the good doctor.
Det. Angie Miller: What did I say about standing too close?
Deputy Chief Tom Matthews: Any progress on that El Sapo shooting?
Lt. Angel Batista: Still no leads. I've been going back and forth with Ft. Lauderdale P.D. Apparently, El Sapo was a suspect in the stabbing of a smash-and-grab lowlife by the name of Andrew Briggs.
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] The cops will never find out that Deb killed El Sapo. So right now, I can focus on protecting Vogel... and myself.
[on his iPhone 4S, Dexter launches the FriendZone app and searches for... ]
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] Ron Galuzzo. He could be hunting me right now.
[Dexter follows a link from Galuzzo's profile field for Occupation to the Work Out City website]
Dexter Morgan: [thinking] Or he could be selling fitness equipment at the mall.
Lt. Angel Batista: Good work today, everyone.


"Dexter: Dex, Lies, and Videotape (#2.6)" (2007)
Angel Batista: [laying a hand on Dexter's shoulder; referring to the Bay Harbor Butcher] We've never been this close to this pendejo.
Dexter Morgan: [thoughts] Closer than you think, amigo.


"Dexter: Dirty Harry (#4.5)" (2009)
[first lines]
Dexter Morgan: Deb...
Officer Hanson: Hey you! Back behind the line.
Dexter Morgan: No, I was called here. I'm Dexter Morgan, that might be my sister.
Officer Hanson: Yeah, I understand sir, but right now I need you to step back and let our people do their job.
Dexter Morgan: No, no, I'm with Miami Metro, forensics, my... laminate and my wallet are in the car.
Officer Hanson: Then get your licence and ID, I need you to step back.
Dexter Morgan: [angrily] And I need you to fucking listen, my sister was shot, no one can tell me what her condition is and that's a dead body!
Officer Hanson: [restraining Dexter] Sir!
Dexter Morgan: [threatening] You wanna let me go.
Sgt. Angel Batista: Hanson! Hands off, he's one of us!


"Dexter: Monkey in a Box (#8.11)" (2013)
[first lines]
Dexter Morgan: [narrating] Vogel warned me I've been straddling two worlds, and I ignored her. For that, she paid the price with her life. Now, I have to remove myself from her life.
[removing evidence from Vogel's house]
Dexter Morgan: I never imagined the last homicide I'd work would be one I'm now a part of. I have to call this in. I can't be seen leaving the scene of the crime. The last time I was in a pool of my mother's blood, I was too young to do anything about it, but I'm no longer a child.
Dexter Morgan: [being interviewed] She didn't say why she wanted me to stop by.
Lt. Angel Batista: The two of you are friends? Your father knew her, right?
Dexter Morgan: Yeah, she reached out to both Deb and me.


"Dexter: First Blood (#5.5)" (2010)
Sgt. Angel Batista: [asking whether or not Deb would sleep with McCourt] Would you ever...
Det. Debra Morgan: I would rather put out a campfire with my face.


"Dexter: The Lion Sleeps Tonight (#3.3)" (2008)
Vince Masuka: [finds his article in Quinn's trash] What is that?
Joey Quinn: Oh, uh...
Vince Masuka: You stuck a piece of chewing gum on it?
Joey Quinn: Uh, I'm sorry.
Vince Masuka: This is a deliberate insult against me and my people.
Joey Quinn: C'mon, c'mon...
Vince Masuka: [storms off] Asswipe.
Joey Quinn: [to Batista] Who the fuck are his people?
Angel Batista: I don't know. Little scientists, I guess.


"Dexter: Those Kinds of Things (#6.1)" (2011)
Jamie Batista: Oh my God, I was wrong. You're *not* like pop. You *are* pop.
Sgt. Angel Batista: I should beat you for that.
Jamie Batista: Exactly like pop.


"Dexter: Shrink Wrap (#1.8)" (2006)
Dexter Morgan: What are we looking at here?
Angel Batista: I'm thinking two circus clowns dancing. You?
Dexter Morgan: Nah, looks like a lobster. See the claws?
Angel Batista: Why do bloodstains always look like crustaceans to you?
Dexter Morgan: I like seafood
Angel Batista: Rorschach would say you have a hard time relating to others


"Dexter: A Horse of a Different Color (#6.4)" (2011)
Joey Quinn: [smoking dope together] Dude, quit staring at me. You're freaking me out.
Sgt. Angel Batista: Inside, I can feel how much your heart hurts for Deb.
Joey Quinn: Dude, get your big fucking sausage hands off me. That's terrible.


"Dexter: Get Gellar (#6.9)" (2011)
Dexter Morgan: Did your sister ever say anything that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever?
Det. Angel Batista: All the time.
Dexter Morgan: Did she ever call you a chair?
Det. Angel Batista: I don't think so.


"Dexter: Just Let Go (#6.6)" (2011)
Sgt. Angel Batista: Oh no no no. Do NOT play the partner card!
Joey Quinn: Of course I am going to play the partner card! Why wouldn't I play the partner card? Situations like this is exactly why the partner card is in the fucking deck!


"Dexter: Crocodile (#1.2)" (2006)
Debra Morgan: Watching ice melt, this is fun.
Vince Masuka: Stand a little closer, Morgan, and I'll melt your heart.
Angel Batista: I think he's got a crush on you, Dex!
Dexter Morgan: Huh?
Vince Masuka: Yo, I was talking to Morgan the sister. Vince Masuka only swings one way.
Debra Morgan: Yeah, from vine to vine...
Lt. Maria Laguerta: Enough! Glad to see the sexual harassment seminar really paid off.