Capt. Maria LaGuerta
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Quotes for
Capt. Maria LaGuerta (Character)
from "Dexter" (2006)

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"Dexter: That Night, a Forest Grew (#2.7)" (2007)
Lt. Maria Laguerta: Now I'm on the line, so if you bully Dexter in any way, if you even look at him wrong, I will not be responsible for the fallout. You got it?
Sergeant Doakes: I got it.
Sergeant Doakes: [after a pause] You're backing the fucking freaktard.

Lt. Maria Laguerta: You and Dexter resolve your issues?
Sergeant Doakes: As far as I'm concerned. Why? The bitch come crying to you again?
Lt. Maria Laguerta: No. There's blood work to be done here, and if you can't control yourself, I need to call in another detective.
Sergeant Doakes: I won't say anything to hurt the little girl's feelings.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: God damn it, James, I'm not joking.
Sergeant Doakes: Do I look like I'm laughing?
Lt. Maria Laguerta: No. You don't. I wish you would. You used to.
Sergeant Doakes: Bullshit. I never laughed.

"Dexter: Shrink Wrap (#1.8)" (2006)
Lt. Maria Laguerta: We both want the same thing.
Neil Perry: Uh, ten minutes alone with Angelina?
Lt. Maria Laguerta: To see you convicted.

Dexter Morgan: What can I do for you?
Lt. Maria Laguerta: So many things. I need the blood spatter report on Vanessa Gale.
Dexter Morgan: Blood spatter's inconclusive. All I can tell is she was shot at close range. I wish I had more for you.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: Mm. Me, too.
[Captain Matthews appears in the doorway and shouts at Maria]
Captain Tom Matthews: Maria! The D.A. needs the work-sheet for the Ice Truck Killer case.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: I'm working on it.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: When did you talk to the D.A.?
Captain Tom Matthews: Oh, we had dinner last night. Mayor Allen took us out to celebrate Neil Perry's arrest. Hell of a good time.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: [She gives him a fake smile as he leaves and murmurs something including the word "puta."] I'm the one who get Perry to confess, and he's got the Mayor kissing his ass.
Dexter Morgan: I wouldn't be too upset. Matthews will be the one with the egg on his face soon enough.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: [softly] You still believe we got the wrong guy?
Dexter Morgan: Perry's a pretender to the throne. The real king is still out there, and he'll kill again. It's just a matter of time.

"Dexter: Dexter (#1.1)" (2006)
Lt. Maria Laguerta: So then he must have already had the head with him in the front seat. Huh, that's weird. Why would he keep it there?
Dexter Morgan: I don't know. So he could use a carpool lane

"Dexter: Do You Take Dexter Morgan? (#3.12)" (2008)
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: [to Batista'a confession about how he met Detective Gianna] We all have secrets we prefer not to share. Skeletons. Feel free to keep yours in the closet - deep in the closet.

"Dexter: Father Knows Best (#1.9)" (2006)
Sgt. James Doakes: I saw a gun in the suspect's waistband. I went to question him, and he took off running when he saw me.
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Angel, you saw all this?
[Angel looks at Doakes almost hesitantly]
Angel Batista: Yeah, I saw
Angel Batista: bolt, and I turned the car around in pursuit.
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: All right, then when you went under the Causeway?
[Dexter approaches them]
Sgt. James Doakes: He took a shot at me. I took cover and returned fire from that corner.
Dexter Morgan: No, not from there.
Sgt. James Doakes: Yeah, from fuckin' right there!
[Angel and LaGuerta look at Doakes, then at Dexter]
Dexter Morgan: Look, if you shot him from there, the blood splatter would go in that direction, but look at the patterns.
Sgt. James Doakes: [angry] You questionin' me? 'Cause I got a lot of questions for you!
Angel Batista: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, the man's just doing what he's supposed to do.
Sgt. James Doakes: The man is a fuckin' creep job!
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: [placatingly] James, just focus on the facts, okay? Now, the D.A.'s Team is ready for you. Are you good?
Sgt. James Doakes: I'm good.
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Yeah. You're up next.
Dexter Morgan: [amused, to Angel] Sorry, but I didn't invent physics.

"Dexter: Hello, Dexter Morgan (#4.11)" (2009)
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: This isn't the first time that you and I have squared-off. So what exactly is your beef with me? My gender? My race? What?
Deputy Chief Tom Matthews: Your arrogance.

"Dexter: Return to Sender (#1.6)" (2006)
Debra Morgan: Let me ask you a question. Why do you have it in for me?
Lt. Maria Laguerta: You're loud, you're impulsive, and you constantly question authority.
Debra Morgan: Fair enough.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: I hear you have an interesting theory on who...
[door shuts as Deb leaves]

"Dexter: Seeing Red (#1.10)" (2006)
Dexter Morgan: That leaves only one set of footprints unaccounted for, the killer's. This shows everywhere he went in the room. The question is: Why?
Lt. Maria Laguerta: Now, hold on. Am I missing something? Where are the victims' footprints?
Dexter Morgan: Give that lady a lollipop!

"Dexter: An Inconvenient Lie (#2.3)" (2007)
Vince Masuka: [watching Pascal on TV] The boss' sweater melons look bigger on TV.
Lt. Maria Laguerta: The operative word is "boss". Show some respect.
Vince Masuka: I thought I was.

"Dexter: Dex Takes a Holiday (#4.4)" (2009)
Lt. Maria Laguerta: [Opening the door to Dexter's lab finding Dexter, Debra, and Frank Lundy on the floor... Debra and Frank Lundy are hiding from Lt Laguerta] Where's Masuka?
Dexter Morgan: ...On vacation.
Debra Morgan: He's probably in Mexico taking a donkey show tour.

"Dexter: Let's Give the Boy a Hand (#1.4)" (2006)
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Do you think Tucci's still alive?
Dexter Morgan: If he is, he won't be for long.

"Dexter: Crocodile (#1.2)" (2006)
Debra Morgan: Watching ice melt, this is fun.
Vince Masuka: Stand a little closer, Morgan, and I'll melt your heart.
Angel Batista: I think he's got a crush on you, Dex!
Dexter Morgan: Huh?
Vince Masuka: Yo, I was talking to Morgan the sister. Vince Masuka only swings one way.
Debra Morgan: Yeah, from vine to vine...
Lt. Maria Laguerta: Enough! Glad to see the sexual harassment seminar really paid off.

"Dexter: I Had a Dream (#3.11)" (2008)
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: I hoping I'm wrong about this? But if I am, and anyone finds out, it'll bring a shit hurricane down on the entire department.
Dexter Morgan: And if you're right?
Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Same hurricane, different landfall.
Dexter Morgan: Got it. Either way I'll need a raincoat.