Marshall Eriksen
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Quotes for
Marshall Eriksen (Character)
from "How I Met Your Mother" (2005)

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"How I Met Your Mother: Trilogy Time (#7.20)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: [In Ted's imagination] I'm pregnant with baby number five!
Ted Mosby: But baby number four isn't out yet!
Marshall Eriksen: I'm just that good!

Ted Mosby: Every three years we sit down and Tril it up, agreed?
Marshall Eriksen: A-greedo!

Marshall Eriksen: Where is Robin?
Narrator: In the summer of 2009, Barney and Robin were secretly dating.
Ted Mosby: Oh, Barney said she's taking some extension class on how to decoupage and Barney's taking a different decoupage class in the same building- that's why they shared a cab that one time.
Narrator: We were idiots.
Marshall Eriksen: Wait a minute. You're saying that Barney Stinson is at a decoupage class? That means we can watch Star Wars on his giant TV!

Narrator: Kids, here's the deal with Trilogy Time. It all started a long time ago in a dorm room far, far away...
[Star Wars-esque credits say "Wesleyan The Year 2000"]
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, if we fail this e-con final, for the rest of are lives we're not gonna be able to...
[Waves hands, unable able to think of anything]
Marshall Eriksen: We won't know how to...
[Fails again]
Marshall Eriksen: Do you even know what E-con is?
Ted Mosby: No idea, we're screwed. Well there's only one thing left to do at a time like this: watch the entire Star Wars trilogy all the way through 'cause I haven't done that in like five years!
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, you can't let that happen. If you're not trilling it at least once every three years, the dark side wins.

Ted Mosby: [Imagining what 2003 will be like] Our band is gonna be in demand.
Marshall Eriksen: And luckily there will be plenty of supply.
Ted Mosby: Supply? Demand? Dude, do you realize what we just did? We used E-con! We're gonna ace this final!
Narrator: ...We both got zeros.

Marshall Eriksen: [In 2003] I don't see anyway our lives are better now than they were three years ago.
Barney Stinson: Oh really Marshall? Nothing comes to mind?
[Points to girl he's with]
Barney Stinson: By the way guys, this is Lisa you'll be seeing a lot more of Lisa.
[She leaves]
Barney Stinson: And they never saw her again. Waz-up!

Marshall Eriksen: [Imagining 2006] What about you Barney, any predictions for 2006?
Barney Stinson: Oh yeah, picture it.
[Flash to 2006, Barney's with another girl]
Barney Stinson: By the way guys, this is Jodie. You'll be seeing a lot more of Jodie.
[She leaves]
Barney Stinson: And they never saw her again. Waz-up!

Marshall Eriksen: [In 2009] How 'bout you Ted, how's your life gonna be different in three years?
Ted Mosby: Oh, you know, the usual. Gonna met a nice girl and get married. I know I say that every year, but let's be honest in 2012, I'll be 34. If it still hasn't happened for me by then, something is seriously wrong with me.
[Him and the guys laugh]
Ted Mosby: [In 2012, spoken sadly] Something is seriously wrong with me.

Barney Stinson: For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl; no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. Guys, you're going to be seeing a lot more of Quinn.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, we've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.
Barney Stinson: I kinda walked into that one.

Marshall Eriksen: TV... play... Star Wars trilogy... Play Star Wars tril' You know what? Screw it.
Ted Mosby: Okay, you are about to see something awesome.
Barney Stinson: And just know this: Han shot first.


"How I Met Your Mother: Disaster Averted (#7.9)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: [Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene] Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Robin Scherbatsky: Unpopular.
Lily Aldrin: Beaten up.
Barney Stinson: Going to movies with his mom.
Ted Mosby: ...A Boy Scout is always prepared...
Robin Scherbatsky: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Marshall Eriksen: Prepared to die a virgin.
Barney Stinson: Prepared to paint his sister's nails...
Ted Mosby: ...Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
Robin Scherbatsky: You're a tropical depression.

Lily Aldrin: [Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie] Don't let him tempt you, baby.
Marshall Eriksen: I don't know Lily, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

Marshall Eriksen: Nobody wakes up and says, "Today I'm going to star in a YouTube video!"
Lily Aldrin: You've said that at least a dozen times.

Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall has become obsessed with death since his insurance ran out] The Grim reaper beckons. I feel his icy grip 'round my throat. The breath of his hounds at me heels the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of his scythe on my chamber door. And you? With your blithe request you only hasten his inevitable triumph. Is that what you desire? Is that what you desire, Lily?
Lily Aldrin: I just wanted you to get us some bagels.
Marshall Eriksen: Bagels! Do you have ANY idea what could happen to me whilst getting bagels?

Barney Stinson: [about the ducky tie] Please let me take it off!
Lily Aldrin: No.
Barney Stinson: Five thousand dollars!
Lily Aldrin: No.
Kevin: Is he serious?
Barney Stinson: Ten thousand dollars!
Lily Aldrin: No.
Kevin: Dude, just take the money.
Barney Stinson: Twenty thousand dollars!
Marshall Eriksen: No.
Kevin: Yes!
Barney Stinson: I'll let you slap me in the face as hard as you can!
Marshall Eriksen: You have my attention.

Barney Stinson: [after Barney agrees to new arrangements, Barney removes the Ducky tie] I'm free. God, this feels so good! I - I
[Barney notices Marshall stretching and preparing to slap]
Barney Stinson: This was a mistake. I want to put the tie back on. I want to put the tie back on! Why do I have to be Barney Stinson now?
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Lily Aldrin: Three slaps remaining!
Marshall Eriksen: Three slaps. Wow, I like the sound of that. I think I'll save those bad boys. You know, for a rainy day.
Barney Stinson: Okay, the worst is over.
[Marshall slaps Barney again]
Lily Aldrin: Two slaps remaining!
Marshall Eriksen: It's all right. It's all done - for now.
Barney Stinson: I think I have to go home now and re-evaluate how I make life decisions.

Maya: If she's
[Referring to Lily]
Maya: going, then I'm not going!
Ted Mosby: Lily, you're staying. Let's go!
Marshall Eriksen: If Lily's staying, then I'm staying!
Lily Aldrin: Then I'm going!
Marshall Eriksen: Then I'm going!
Barney Stinson: You can't go Marshall 'cause I'm going!
Robin Scherbatsky: If Barney's going, then I'm not going!
Marshall Eriksen: Then I can go!
Lily Aldrin: Then I'm staying!
Marshall Eriksen: Then I'm staying!
Lily Aldrin: Then I'm going!
Maya: Then I'm not going!
Ted Mosby: You know what? I'm GOING!

Barney Stinson: Just let me take off the tie! PLEASE! I have to wear this at work! Do you have any idea whats that's like
[cut do Barney in a business meeting sitting low in his chair so no one can see his tie]
Barney Stinson: Please can I take it off?
Marshall Eriksen: You... may... not. With a "k". Little tie pun.
Barney Stinson: This is far from over.
[dramatic music starts]
Barney Stinson: You have a price Eriksen, and I will find it. When the end of day is nigh, I'll have taken off this tie. I'm gonna like the way I look; I guarantee it.
Kevin: [Dramatic music cuts] So, boogie boarding?

Barney Stinson: If you didn't have that slap left; say I were to get you to slap me tonight; I suppose that would change everything.
[Dramatic music starts again]
Marshall Eriksen: I suppose it would.
Barney Stinson: [Speaking French] Le jeu commence - "The game begins"
Marshall Eriksen: Je m'appelle Marshall
[My name is Marshall]
Kevin: [Dramatic music cuts again] So, boogie-boarding?

Marshall Eriksen: [about Barney] I just wanna slap him so bad. But that tie is so stupid. But the slap would feel so good. But he hates that tie so much
Kevin: Perhaps I can help. Marshall, ask yourself this question: why today? He hasn't said anything about that tie for weeks; yet suddenly, today, he can't wear it another second? No, there's a reason.
[to Barney]
Kevin: You've got something coming up; something where you're on display, vulnerable, exposed. It's not work related, no, this is relationship stuff; you're trying to impress someone. In the lie you told you said you were being chased by two goons, so it's two people; a couple, perhaps? You're meeting Nora's parents tomorrow!
Barney Stinson: WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. It's in two days and I really want them to like me!
Ted Mosby: Oh-ho, therapisted
[High fives Kevin]
Ted Mosby: . Shrinked? Shrunk? We'll figure it out.


"How I Met Your Mother: Life Among the Gorillas (#1.17)" (2006)
Marshall: [after telling Lily how he wants to provide them with the 'life ideal' of home, school for the children, et al] I know that you don't need it, but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a hugh package.
[walks off]
Marshall: [another woman who overheard the conversation smiles curiously as Marshall follows Lily] Yeah.

Barney: [about what was wrong with Marshall's high-five] Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Marshall: Wow, that was... *really* specific.

Marshall: Wow, that is a boatload of motivation posters!
Barney: Yeah, I got them all! Team work, courage, awesomeness...
Marshall: There is one for awesomeness?
Barney: Yeah, I had it made.

Marshall: After law school, I'm going to work for the NRDC. They're gonna stop global warming.
Narrator: [In 2030] Well... I mean... they did their best.

Marshall: Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?
Barney: [Waves hand dismissively] Please.

Lily: Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around here.
Marshall: Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-...
Lily: No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and throwing feces!

Marshall: [after Barney tells him to fit in at work he must change his entire personality] Okay, at first, I was appalled, but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas. I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool?
Lily: It sounds kinda like peer pressure.
Marshall: No, no, no. It's totally anthropological and it's cool and I'm doing it.
Lily: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year.
Marshall: I'm *portraying* someone who succumbs to peer pressure.
Lily: All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say?
Marshall: Only when I'm drunk.

Bilson: Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. Ding dong! What? The doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat and nothing else. But wait - knock, knock. Somebody's at the back door?
Marshall: I don't have a back door.
Bilson: [Ignores this] Oh, my gosh, Jessica Simpson? What a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: Right. Well, uh... I'm engaged, so...
Bilson: Fiancee's out of town. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: We're still engaged, even if she's...
Bilson: Okay, fiancee's dead. Hit by a bus. What do you do? Go.

Narrator: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture, Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question.
Young Marshall: What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist?
Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez: So you want to be an anthropologist?
Young Marshall: Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did.
Narrator: What she said next changed his life.
Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez: Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. They'll all be dead by then.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Duel (#1.8)" (2005)
[During a sword fight]
Marshall: Woe is me! I'm not married yet! My ovaries are shrinking! Ted! If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky, you're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.
Ted: Anhedonic?
Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.
Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.
Marshall: I know, this rules!

Marshall: I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancee.
Ted: Come on, Marshall. Do you really think she's still your fiancee?

Lily: A sword fight?
Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily.
Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry - is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?

Robin: You talked about who gets the apartment, right?
Ted: Yeah, we've talked about it.
[Flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their apartment]
Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
Ted: [Back to Ted, Barney and Robin in bar] Dammit Past Ted!

Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese
[Points to the cheese on the counter]
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.

Robin: [At the hospital after Lily was stabbed] Is she OK?
Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine.
Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie.
[Ted, Marshall and Robin give him a look]
Barney: What? You said she's fine. So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie...
Barney: [At the bar] Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie Ohhh.
Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you.
[Leaves]
Barney: [Back at the hospital] It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law.

Doctor: [after patching up Lily] All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?
Marshall: That's us.

Lily: [At the Chinese restaurant that was formally her apartment] OK, a toast.
[Everyone lifts their cup]
Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.
Barney, Robin, Marshall, Ted: Here here. Cheers
[Everyone clinks glasses]
Barney: And to the lemon law!
Barney: [Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him] Self-clink.
[Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together]

Ted: Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?
Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo.
Ted: What?
Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet; my ovaries are shrinking.


"How I Met Your Mother: Spoiler Alert (#3.8)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: Trust me, you need to see this.
Marshall Eriksen: What is so important that I need to see it right now?
Barney Stinson: It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall Eriksen: How do I need to see that? Why would I need to see that? In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and brain to something that disgusting enrich my life?
Barney Stinson: It's a dog pooping on a baby!

Ted Mosby: She chews loudly. Why do you think we call her Chewbacca?
Marshall Eriksen: Because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

Marshall Eriksen: [to Lily chewing loudly] Say, what's in that cereal besides dried twigs and small animal bones?

Marshall Eriksen: Brother, you're driving the "I wanna have sex with her" truck, and it has a huge blind spot.
Ted Mosby: That's ridiculous.
Barney Stinson: Is it, really? Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with. Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, we made love for ten straight hours, and when we were done, she applauded, and told me I was far, far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in God.
Ted Mosby: What's that have to do with Cathy?
Barney Stinson: Who's Cathy?

Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, my God, Lily! What are you eating? Gravel?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I know, right? It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner!
Lily Aldrin: Well, why don't you sing about it?
Marshall Eriksen: [singing] Because I don't sing about everything I do!
Robin Scherbatsky: No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense words, like a stroke victim. And what's worse: they're catchy! Apple, Orchard, Banana Cat Dance.
Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin, Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby: 8663.
Robin Scherbatsky: See, we know that one because you once sang it for like three hours? What the hell is that?
Marshall Eriksen: That's my password: AOBCD8663.

Marshall Eriksen: I'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail. That could be weeks from now, if ever! Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her when the baby was due.
Robin Scherbatsky: She wasn't pregnant?
Ted Mosby: No, he was not.

Marshall Eriksen: What about you, "Barney"? Okay, you... always...
Barney Stinson: Interesting, interesting, everyone has annoying habits but me.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, got it. Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice.
Robin Scherbatsky: And you're constantly using lame catchphrases.
Ted Mosby: And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention to what we're talking about.
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry. what? Oh, see? You can't think of anything cause I am awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: All three right the.

Marshall Eriksen: [singing] Paying my bills using return address labels. From a charity that I haven't given money to. Writing a check cause now I feel guilty The Salivation Army does not fight fair. Heading down to the basement today. With my laundry and a roll of quarter. But I'm back too soon Cause I left the detergent And the fabric softener


"How I Met Your Mother: Rabbit or Duck (#5.15)" (2010)
Barney Stinson: So, anyone know who won the Super Bowl last night?
Marshall Eriksen: You should know. You were there...
Barney Stinson: I won! I now have a magic phone that never stops ringing. And who's usually at the other end? A hot chick. The number of women who want me is now infinity!

Marshall Eriksen: I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit".
Ted Mosby: Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate.
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down.
Lily Aldrin: Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.
Marshall Eriksen: I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks.
Narrator: This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had.
[Flash forward, everyone is yelling]
Ted Mosby: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey.
Marshall Eriksen: We're not talking about flavour, Ted!
Ted Mosby: Flavour counts!
[Flash forward, yelling]
Marshall Eriksen: Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone?
Robin Scherbatsky: [Flash forward, yelling] You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?
Ted Mosby: [Flash forward] Hold on, I've got to get another book.
Ted Mosby: [Flash forward] Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out?
Marshall Eriksen: Because it's illegal, Ted!
Ted Mosby: Only if we bet on it, Marshall!
Marshall Eriksen: [Flash forward] FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN!

Robin Scherbatsky: So that settles it. Don's a rabbit.
Ted Mosby: I wouldn't be too sure. Don... Donald... Donald Duck? And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear?
Lily Aldrin: Pants!
Ted Mosby: Pants. Don's a duck. Requesting permission to lawyered.
Marshall Eriksen: I'll allow it.
Ted Mosby: Lawyered!

Barney Stinson: Get rid of it!
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Barney Stinson: This phone is cursed! It just never stops ringing! I try to ignore it, but I can't! I'ts ruining my life! I should get that.
[Marshall takes the phone]
Barney Stinson: No, let me answer it! It could be an emergency! She might be trapped inside a giant bra!
Ranjit: Barney, let it go... to voice mail.

Marshall Eriksen: Well, dog my cats! I think I know what's going on here. Robin... did you WANT Don to ask out?
Robin Scherbatsky: Whaaat?
[In a high voice; huffs]
Robin Scherbatsky: Nooo, I HATE Don! I-I-I can't stop thinking how much I hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. I just wanna attack him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. SHUT UP!
[Leaves the table]

Marshall Eriksen: [Running through the bar in search of Ted's future wife] Hey! Hey, wanna get married?
Lily Aldrin: [Talking to another girl, annoyed] I don't know what kind of architect? Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.
Marshall Eriksen: [to threes girls sitting together] Wanna marry my friend Ted?
[to the 2nd one]
Marshall Eriksen: Wanna marry my friend Ted?
[to the 3d one]
Marshall Eriksen: Wanna marry my friend Ted?
Lily Aldrin: You can be choosey? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, uh!
Marshall Eriksen: Hey, just real quick...
[the girl pepper-sprays him, he writhes in pain]
Marshall Eriksen: you wanna marry my friend Ted?

Marshall Eriksen: [Trying to pick a date for Ted] Trudy?
Lily Aldrin: Married.
Marshall Eriksen: Blah Blah?
Lily Aldrin: Committed.
Marshall Eriksen: Relationship?
Lily Aldrin: Bellevue.
Marshall Eriksen: Natalie?
Lily Aldrin: Ted's her least favorite person in the world.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, she's not getting any younger.

Waiter: And you, Sir? The rabbit or the duck?
Ted Mosby: What?
Waiter: It's a pre-fixed menu for Valentine's Day and we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken. So rabbit or duck?
Ted Mosby: [Regarding his date] Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go.
[he leaves]
Marshall Eriksen: Why would Ted order the rabbit if he's just gonna run out?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Three Days Rule (#4.21)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: Check it out. I just got that girl's number. See? Holly.
Barney Stinson: Nice! Girls with "ly" at the end of their names are dirty. Carly, Shirly, Lily.
Marshall Eriksen: Hey!... all right, it's true.
Barney Stinson: Don't even get me started on girls whose name should end in "ly", but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller-coasters. You've got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't lose your keys.

Barney Stinson: [reading Ted's text message to Holly] "Texty Text"? Ted, what were you thinking?
Marshall Eriksen: We should tell him it's us.
Barney Stinson: Yes, we should. Or, we pretend we're Holly and mess with him.
Marshall Eriksen: Let's do that.

Ted Mosby: The three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney Stinson: Jesus.
Marshall Eriksen: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney Stinson: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he only had waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't even have heard that he died. They'd be all, like: "Hey, Jesus, what up?" Jesus would probably be, like: "What up? I died yesterday." And then they'd be all: "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude." And then Jesus would have to explain about how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be, like: "Uh, okay, dude. Whatever you say, bro."

Marshall Eriksen: Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone. He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up. We just we thought we'd get him to say "I love you" before he even makes contact with this girl
Barney Stinson: And you can tell it's on the way. He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah. One: He joked about getting married.
Barney Stinson: "You like architecture?" "We should get married". "Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark?"
Marshall Eriksen: Two: He made a crazy way-too-soon trip suggestion.
Barney Stinson: "I like beer, too". "We should totally go to Germany together". "LOL. JK. LOL".
Marshall Eriksen: And three: He got way too personal way too soon.
Barney Stinson: "Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back. "It was really tough. LOL."
Robin Scherbatsky: And he clearly doesn't know what LOL means.

Barney Stinson: Well, if Ted won't say it, I will. I love you.
Stan: That's cool. Still nothing, huh?
Marshall Eriksen: Maybe he's not in love with us.
Barney Stinson: How can he not be in love with us? We're everything he's looking for.
Marshall Eriksen: I don't get men.

Marshall Eriksen: Why in the world would Ted text a girl he barely knows that he sometimes has gay dreams about me?
Barney Stinson: Whoa. Slow your roll. You? He's clearly talking about me.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.
Barney Stinson: Okay, one: that has never been proven. Two: If anyone were to have gay dreams about one of us, it would be me. I mean, look at me. Now look at you.
Marshall Eriksen: Here's the thing, Barney. I'm snuggly. You're not. Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning? Wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside, And there's muffins warming in the oven. I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it.
Barney Stinson: I work out every day. If there is one thing we know about Ted, It's that he likes a nice body. This body would rock his world.
Marshall Eriksen: Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes. There are things I could do to him that would blow his mind - - Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?
Barney Stinson: I don't know. It's weird.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, look at this guy. How's it going, uh, best friend of 12 years?
Ted Mosby: Well, it's kind of weird, But, uh, I had this crazy dream the other night. It's a little embarrassing.
Barney Stinson: You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, your feelings are perfectly natural, buddy.
Ted Mosby: Okay. Here's what happened. So I'm at...
Narrator: And then I proceeded to waste a half hour of those bastards' lives,telling them about this dream I had where I ate dinner with my top five architects
Ted Mosby: ...And then, at the end of the meal, Frank Gehry slides the check over to I. M. Pei, and he says, "Buddy, tonight, your name is I. M. Paying. " Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take. And then I woke up.
Marshall Eriksen: So, that-that's it?
Barney Stinson: No other dreams? Nothing confusing or erotic?

Marshall Eriksen: Ted, you know how at some point in the future, Machines will rise up against us?
Ted Mosby: Sure.
Marshall Eriksen: So, the machines - they've killed everybody, And all that's left Is you, me... And Barney. Which one of us would you, like get with?
Ted Mosby: Why do I have to get with one of you?
Barney Stinson: The machines are forcing you. They want to watch. That's just how they get down.


"How I Met Your Mother: Arrivederci, Fiero (#2.17)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: How's the Fiero?
Marshall Eriksen: She's still in triage.
Ted Mosby: Wait a minute, she? I thought it was your little boy.
Lily Aldrin: It goes back and forth. It's like a trannie car.

Marshall Eriksen: Arrivederci, Fiero. You were the freakin' Giving Tree of cars.
Lily Aldrin: May you rust in peace.
Barney Stinson: Rot in Hell, devil steed.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, light up those cigars in the glove compartment
[Ted opens the glove compartment]
Marshall Eriksen: They're real Cubans. I got them in Chinatown last year just for this moment.
Ted Mosby: Marshall, I'm not saying you were definitely ripped off but these are chopsticks wrapped in napkins.

Marvin Eriksen Jr.: Okay, the Fiero is yours
[Marshall makes a grab for the keys]
Marcus Eriksen: ...If you pass the final test
Marshall Eriksen: Come on! I've already shaved my legs and swallowed five dollars in quarters - only 4.50 has come out...
Drive Thru Attendant: Just go to the Wiener Burger drive-through and get us 12 cups of coffee.
Marshall Eriksen: That's it?
Marcus Eriksen: Oh yeah. But we get to decide what you wear.
Marshall Eriksen: Agreed! Totally agreed!
Drive Thru Attendant: [Marshall pulls up to the drive-through window] You're naked.
Marshall Eriksen: I'm aware of that.

Ted Mosby: Remember the 100K fiasco?
Marshall Eriksen: Ah, the Fiero-asco.
Ted Mosby: Dude, I told you that doesn't work; it's the 100K fiasco.

Ted Mosby: [after Marshall asks Ted if he wants a ride home with him] Karen and I haven't seen each other since Thanksgiving and we're both really invested in making this long distance thing work.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, call me if you change your mind; my odometer is going to hit 100K.
Ted Mosby: Nah, she'd be so bummed if I left early.
Ted Mosby: [Later, in the Fiero] It was totally mutual. I mean, Karen brought it up first, but I... it was totally mutual.
Marshall Eriksen: I hear ya.

Ted Mosby: Yeah, you wanna play zitch-dog?
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: It's a car game. Every time you see a dog, you gotta be the first one to say "Zitch-dog!" I'm pretty good so...
Marshall Eriksen: Zitch-dog
Ted Mosby: Ah... no, I didn't know we had started. But... okay, that's cool you got the first point.

Ted Mosby: [Narrating the story of his and Marshall's road trip] Then Marshall; who was so busy cheating at Zitch-dog got us totally lost.
Marshall Eriksen: Where the hell are we?
Marshall Eriksen: [Narrating] Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I think you skipped something.
Barney Stinson: Really? Seems impossible
Ted Mosby: [Back to the road trip] Hey, we got some time. What dpoyou say we get off the highway; take the road less traveled... ya know? Robert Frost.
Marshall Eriksen: Doesn't seem like a smart idea.
Ted Mosby: Too late, I'm taking this exit... who's not fun enough now Karen.
Marshall Eriksen: [Narrating] *Then* we got lost.


"How I Met Your Mother: 46 Minutes (#7.14)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Mickey Aldrin: Well, I'm just trying to help...
Marshall Eriksen: We don't need your help!

Kevin: Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?
Robin Scherbatsky: Something terrible happened...
Kevin: Are they okay? Are they in the hospital?
Barney Stinson: No, somewhere much, much worse...
Marshall Eriksen: Long Island!

Mickey Aldrin: This lamp absolutely can not be here.
Marshall Eriksen: [Annoyed] Why not?
Mickey Aldrin: It blocks my view of the widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda work-outs.
Lily Aldrin: Isn't she a little old dad?
Mickey Aldrin: You didn't see her when I was a kid. In my mind, she'll always be fifty-four.

Marshall Eriksen: We've got no cell reception. I wanted to call Ted. This feels weird; the last time I lived this far from him was my semster abroad.
Lily Aldrin: You never did a semester abroad?
Marshall Eriksen: That's what I called it when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.

Mickey Aldrin: [On the intercom while Marshall is walking through the dark house] Hello Mr. Eriksen. From the sound of the wind-chimes I hear you made it to the first floor
Marshall Eriksen: You know what Mickey, you can save the creepy game-master routine. It's only kind of terrifying me.
Mickey Aldrin: Oh, but the game has just begun. I call it "try not to bang into all the furniture and stuff on the way to the fuse box in the basement. Marshall" It's just all working title.

Lily Aldrin: [Marshall is still wondering around in dark] Marshall! I just remember I saw a box of matches in the drawer next to the trash can.
Marshall Eriksen: Thanks baby
[See Mickey dart around Marshall and take the matches]
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, I can't find them!
Mickey Aldrin: [On the inter-com, lights match] Looking for these?
[laughs evilly]
Mickey Aldrin: Oh right, you can't see me. I'm burning the matches you so desperately need
[laughs evilly until the match burns to his fingers]
Mickey Aldrin: Ah! Ooo. Ow!

Marshall Eriksen: [after turning the power back on] I did it!
Mickey Aldrin: No, Marshall. *You* did it.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slap Bet (#2.9)" (2006)
Barney: [after being slapped in the face by Marshall] Ow. Your hand is monstrous.
Marshall: Well, what did you expect, you've seen my penis.

Marshall: [Looking at Computer] This is the 90s, why does it look like 1986?
Robin Scherbatsky: The 80s didn't come to Canada til like '93.

Marshall: It looks like someone suffered from premature slapulation.

Barney: Your tomb stone will read "Lily Aldrin: Caring wife, Loving friend and Slap Bet Commissioner."
Marshall: And on Barney's grave, it'll read: "Got slapped so hard by Marshall, he died."

Ted Mosby: Wha... I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.
[Flashback to Barney with different girls]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Ohhhh...
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Barney: Ohhhh...
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Ohhhhhh...
Barney: [Back to present] So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible
Ted Mosby: Hmm... I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh..." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
[Flash to Robin and Ted at the altar]
Reverend Rob: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ted Mosby: I love you.
Robin Scherbatsky: I used to be a dude.
Ted Mosby: Ohhhhhh...

Marshall: [after slapping Barney] That's one!

Barney: I can think of tons of things there's no way Marshall told you
Lily: Try me.
Barney: Do you know about the time the Marshall was in Trenton?
Lily: Doggie ate his pants. Yep.
Barney: Bill's bachelor party in Memphis.
Lily: Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?
Barney: Trick question, Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest because he's afraid of Sasquatch.
Lily: Damn.
Marshall: I'm not afraid of Sasquatch. I just think we should all be on alert.


"How I Met Your Mother: Okay Awesome (#1.5)" (2005)
Claire: Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming bed and breakfast. It was so nice. What did you do this weekend?
Marshall: [Cut to the bar, Lily chugs a beer in front of a screaming crowd] TEN SECONDS !
Lily: SUCK IT LOSERS !
[Burps]
Lily: [Back in class] Oh, You know, quiet time with the fiancé.

Marshall Eriksen: Do you know what they're doing in there right now? They're watching Claire's ultrasound video. And I swear to god, even the baby looks bored.

[seeing Ted about to leave]
Marshall Eriksen: Ah-ah! Coat wench, do not uncheck this man's jacket!... sorry, I was just being dramatic, you're not a coat wench.
Coat Check Girl: No, coat wench, I like it. I should get a sign made up.
Ted: What are you doing here, Lily let you go?
Marshall Eriksen: Lily? Psshh, who cares, right?
Ted: You are so dead.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I'm so dead.

[after leaving the loud club, everyone is talking very loudly in the cab ride home]
Ted: I'm really glad you guys came out tonight!
Marshall Eriksen: You know, dude, can I just say something? It kinda hurt that you guys didn't invite me out. I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged, but it would have been nice to be asked.
Ted: I'm sorry. I just assumed...
Barney: They played some great songs tonight!
Ted: I mean, lately...
Marshall Eriksen: I know, I know, it just seems like suddenly we're living in two different worlds. Maybe you've got more in common with Barney.
Barney: [turns around] What?
Ted: Are you crazy? You think I like going to those clubs? I'd so much rather go to your fruity little wine tasting.
Lily: [waking up] Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf! Where's my purse! Where's my purse! I -... No, I'm okay.
[goes back to sleep]
Ted: The problem is you can't do any of that couples stuff unless you have someone to do it with! And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out and doing stupid singles stuff with Barney!
Barney: [turns around] What?
Ted: But, man, when I find her, we're gonna have some bad-ass wine tastings.
Marshall Eriksen: It's a plan. Hey, maybe it'll be that cute Coat Check Girl!
Ted: Yeah! Maybe it will be!
Older Ted Mosby: It wasn't.
Marshall Eriksen: You know, Ted, I don't say this nearly enough, but I really value our...
Barney: Hey, that place has great salads!

Marshall: I think we're going to wait on the baby thing. I mean I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms and stuff. But, uh, they make you old. Kinda like this anchor weighing you down to one spot... forever.
Claire: I'm three months pregnant.
Marshall: [surprised] Not awkward, guys. Not awkward if we let it be awkward.
[nervously smiles, then walks away]

Lily: Claire is my age, and she and her husband do all these classy grownup stuff. Maybe we should start doing some grownup stuff.
Marshall Eriksen: That was some pretty grownup stuff we did this morning.
Lily: Yeah, but it wasn't classy.

Marshall: [Talking to Lily] Is this what you want ?
[Imitating their guests]
Marshall: Thirty year fixed mortgage; I'm three months pregnant.
[You see Claire behind him]
Marshall: That *was* awkward.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving (#3.9)" (2007)
Marshall Eriksen: Everyone knows March has 31 days. It's general knowledge.
Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky: [Saluting] General Knowledge.

Barney Stinson: By announcing the time, you ruin the suspense. You have shown your hand!
Marshall Eriksen: And as of 3:00 PM tomorrow, your face will show my hand.

Marshall Eriksen: I have this kernel stuck in my teeth.
Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky: [saluting] Colonel Stuckinmyteeth.
Barney Stinson: Will you cut it out already?

Barney Stinson: [holding up a laptop] Check it out, we're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to NOTHING.
Lily Aldrin: Barney, put it away.
Barney Stinson: How does it feel, Marshall, to sit there impotently. Your large flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer voice: The slap will occur in ten, nine, eight...
Barney Stinson: Ohh, classy touch, dude! Too BAD!
Lily Aldrin: Barney put it away!
Barney Stinson: I will in. Five, four...
Lily Aldrin: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney Stinson: What? Wait!
Marshall Eriksen: Yes!
[slaps Barney hard]
Marshall Eriksen: THAT'S THREE!

Marshall Eriksen: [Shows the slap countdown on the computer to Barney] Oh my, look at that! That means we're in the final hour of the countdown.
Barney Stinson: I'm not scared...
[his right cheek twitches]
Marshall Eriksen: Then why is your right cheek twitching?
Barney Stinson: It's not...
Marshall Eriksen: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Barney Stinson: [nervously] Please don't slap me...
Marshall Eriksen: I'm sorry, what?
Barney Stinson: Oh, god, don't slap me again! I don't want to get slapped again! The first two times hurt so bad. I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!
Marshall Eriksen: I thought I ruined it by putting a clock on it, Barney.
Barney Stinson: Well, you didn't ruin it!.You made it so much worse! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost 10 pounds. My suits are wearing me. You know what? I'm outta here.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, no, no, no. You can't leave.
Barney Stinson: Why can't I? Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to sit through this sort of mental torture! You are allowed to slap my face my good man, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! Good day!
Marshall Eriksen: But it's Slapsgiving.
Lily Aldrin: No! It's Thanksgiving! Our first one as a married couple, as grownups, and you're not trying to be a part of it! None of you are! So, as slap bet commissioner, I'm issuing a ruling. Thanksgiving is a day of peace, there will be no slaps today!

Marshall Eriksen: This looks like it's going to be a major clean-up.
Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, Barney Stinson, Lily Aldrin: [saluting] Major Cleanup.
Marshall Eriksen: Are we going to be doing this all the time?
Robin Scherbatsky: That's the general idea.
Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, Barney Stinson, Lily Aldrin: [saluting] General Idea.

[after slapping Barney, Marshall plays the piano, performing a song]
Marshall Eriksen: [singing] What is this feeling, that's put you in your place? A hot red burnin' on the side of your face. You feel the blood rush to your cheek, the tears that fill your eyes. And your lips are trembling, but you can't speak. You're tryin', oh, you're tryin' not to cry. You just got slapped, oh, across the face, my friend. You just got slapped, yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it. Then everybody laughed and clapped. It was awesome. Wait, you just got... slapped.
[stops singing and playing the piano]
Marshall Eriksen: Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.


"How I Met Your Mother: Mosbius Designs (#4.20)" (2009)
Barney Stinson: Now let's be clear, I don't love her okay? I just miss her when she's not around, I think about her all the time and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.
Marshall Eriksen: Are you ever going to tell her how you feel?
Barney Stinson: No. Maybe. Never. I don't know.

Barney Stinson: You need that thing that makes you a guy.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.
Barney Stinson: No, not that thing! I mean a thing that makes you a guy. Like Toy Guy in HR.
[new scene]
Toy Guy: The bad news is, we have to review the new GNB guidelines. The good news is, we get to do it with Wolverine claws!

Marshall Eriksen: [Food Guy goes by, carrying cotton candy] Hey, Food Guy.
Barney Stinson: [Toy Guy goes by in a scooter] Hey, Toy Guy.
[a ninja with a sword passes by]
Marshall Eriksen: Who's that guy?
Barney Stinson: He doesn't work here. I think we should leave the building.
Marshall Eriksen: Really?
Barney Stinson: This has happened before.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Barney. I thought of a "thing" to make me more essential here. I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody loves a guy who recycles, right?
Barney Stinson: Fired. What else you got?
Marshall Eriksen: I thought of a few others: Wacky Tie Guy.
Barney Stinson: Fired.
Marshall Eriksen: Daily Fun Fact Guy?
Barney Stinson: Did you know that you're fired?
Marshall Eriksen: I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?
Barney Stinson: Downward-facing fired.
Marshall Eriksen: Monty Python Guy?
Barney Stinson: We are the knights who say- You're fired.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, there's Ted Mosby of Mosbius Designs. How's the home office coming, buddy?
Ted Mosby: Well, it was going great till Robin started banging my assistant.
Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, it's our apartment, okay? You leave a big chocolate cake on the counter, Mama's gonna cut her off a slice.

Barney Stinson: Okay, since Lily's not talking to me, there's something that I have to tell you. And this isn't easy to say, all right? I'm- wait for it- in- wait for it- love- wait for it- with- wait for it- a- wait for it- certain- wait for it...
Marshall Eriksen: I know that you're in love with Robin.


"How I Met Your Mother: Belly Full of Turkey (#1.9)" (2005)
Marshall: Well, I'm glad you're safe... Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store?

Barney: The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.
Marshall: [Drinks] It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth.

Marshall: I don't want our kids to play BaskIceball. That game's really dangerous!
Lily: Yeah, what are the rules of that game?
Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other.

Marshall: [about where they should raise their future children] Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.
Lily: Oh, so is New York.
[Marshall's family laugh]
Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.

Lily: [while waiting to look at a pregnancy test] Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father.
Lily: [Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head] Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.
Marshall: What does it say?
Lily: I'm afraid to look.
Policeman: [Yelling from outside] It's negative.
Lily: Thank God.
[to Pete]
Lily: And hey!

Marvin Eriksen Sr.: All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes.
Lily: You're gonna go play hockey?
[Mr. Eriksen tosses a basketball to Marcus]
Lily: With a basketball?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskIceball.
Marshall: We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world.
Lily: [Thinks for a second] BaskIceball? Not Iceketball?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Iceketball? Just sounds weird.


"How I Met Your Mother: Where Were We? (#2.1)" (2006)
Ted Mosby: It's Sunday! It's Pancakes day!
Marshall Eriksen: Lily always made the pancakes. God I loved her pancakes. So soft. So warm. So perfectly shaped.
Ted Mosby: Are we still talking about her pancakes?... C'mon, you gotta eat something. What can I get you?
Marshall Eriksen: Beer.
Ted Mosby: No, that's what you had for dinner!
Marshall Eriksen: Fine! I'll just have leftovers.
[Pulls half-drunk beer out of couch]

Marshall Eriksen: [about Lily] I should call her
Ted Mosby: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Now listen, whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall Eriksen: You're a good friend Ted

Ted Mosby: You hungry?
Marshall Eriksen: What's the point? I could eat some food... it's just gonna leave me.
Ted Mosby: Well, at least in that scenario, you get to do the dumping.

Marshall Eriksen: [about Lily] Well, I called her. And get this, she changed her number. Well like I'm gonna stalk her or something? Like she's so special? Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there? 'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone, and they all seem a lot better than her, based on the brief conversations I had with them!

Barney Stinson: [At a strip club] Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs and your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's.
Marshall Eriksen: There are a lot of them.
Barney Stinson: They won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs. Now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight my friend. Two at the time. Those count as four.

Marshall Eriksen: [Reading Lily's credit card bill] August 5, one charge - tickets. To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars. August 10, one charge, Tennis Emporium. August 18, two charges. Mario's bistro and - get this - Pet Palace. You guys see what it means right?
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall's imagination] Wow, Mario's bistro. What a perfect place to whore around.
George Clinton: Only the best for my little Lily Pad.
Lily Aldrin: Oh funk legend George Clinton, I am so glad you spotted me at your concert an drag me on stage to dance with you Courtney Cox style.
George Clinton: I am so glad you agreed to play tennis with me.
Lily Aldrin: Oh you know, Marshall tried to get me to play tennis for nine years but I didn't do it because I never truly loved him.
George Clinton: I got you a gift.
Lily Aldrin: Oh! A ferret. I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. I've always wanted one, but Marshall have this secret phobia of ferrets.
George Clinton: I bet that's something he made you promise to tell nobody.
Lily Aldrin: It was! Oh, I love you funk legend George Clinton.
George Clinton: I love you too, Lily. That's right Marshall, she's all mine. Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair.


"How I Met Your Mother: Milk (#1.21)" (2006)
Barney Stinson: This feud goes so far back, I don't even remember who fired the first shot.
Marshall Eriksen: You?
Barney Stinson: Totally!

Marshall Eriksen: [about the date] How'd it go, dude?
Ted: I didn't go.
Marshall Eriksen: What? Why?
Ted: I changed my mind. I don't wanna meet her.
Marshall Eriksen: Why? She... she sounds perfect.
Ted: I don't want perfect. I want Robin.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, God, not this again! Ted, it's a mistake.
Ted: [looks at Lily] Maybe, but it's a mistake I have to make.

Ted: I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.
Lily: Well, what's perfect?
Ted: It's not like I have a list.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, yes, you do.
Ted: Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids - a boy and a girl...
Lily: That's not hard. I know at least...
Ted: I'm not done. She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
Marshall Eriksen: Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
Ted: Any Kim from any cool band, really. Can't be too picky.
Lily: You're never going to find this girl.

Barney Stinson: Tracy, could you come in here, please? Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to him.
Tracy: Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer...
Marshall Eriksen: I get it. Thank you, Tracy.

Ted: I know you do. Come here. It's okay. Look... Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.
Lily: But why am I the only one? How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy?
Marshall Eriksen: [In Barney's office] So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice.

Ted: Hey. So, Lil, did you, uh, get the milk?
Lily: Yeah. Yeah, I-I got it.
Ted: You think you might want to... drink the milk?
Lily: No. Nope, I'm good. I don't need any milk.
Marshall Eriksen: Look, guys, I know milk is important - it's got vitamin A, vitamin D, it's a great way to start the morning - but Ted just had a huge date!


"How I Met Your Mother: Atlantic City (#2.8)" (2006)
Marshall Eriksen: [after having sex on the kitchen] That was a creative use of pancake syrup.
Lily Aldrin: I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye.

Marshall Eriksen: I don't get it. Hundreds of people get married in Atlantic City all the time.
Registrar: Yes, but not to elope. They come for the white, sandy beaches, world-class amenities and Riviera-like ambience.
Lily Aldrin: Are you kidding me? Have you been outside?
Ted Mosby: There is half a rotting orca whale not ten feet from our room.

Marshall Eriksen: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.
Receptionist: Aaww... I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!
Lily Aldrin: Really?
Receptionist: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, so can we see a judge?
Receptionist: Absolutely!
Lily Aldrin: Really?
Receptionist: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall Eriksen: [Clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?
Receptionist: Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!
Robin Scherbatsky: Really?
Receptionist: Is what I would say...
Marshall Eriksen: [Interrupting] You know what? We get it.

Narrator: When they called off their first wedding, Aunt Lily took off for San Francisco leaving Uncle Marshall with the unfortunate task of telling his entire family.
Marshall Eriksen: [Flashback, Marshall's] Yeah, so now she's gone and the wedding's off. What do you call someone who just takes off and leaves like that? What do you call that? I think that that's a little strong. I can't even believe you would use a word like that. Geez, Grandma.

Barney Stinson: All right, let's talk bachelor party. Are we thinking full-on strip club, or should we rent a room and have a private toy show?
Ted Mosby: What did you just say?
Marshall Eriksen: Barney, no.
Barney Stinson: Marshall, I'm your best man.
Marshall Eriksen: You're not my best man.
Ted Mosby: Right here.
Barney Stinson: And as your best man, I have to throw you a bachelor party. That's part of being a best friend.
Marshall Eriksen: You're not my best friend.
Ted Mosby: Right here.

Narrator: [about the game Shing Hasabu Shing] Now, I had been to a lot of casinos before that night, and I've been to a lot of casinos since, but in all that time I've never seen a game quite like this one. To this day, I have no idea how it was played. But luckily, Barney did.
Lily Aldrin: Do you understand what's happening?
Ted Mosby: Not a clue.
Robin Scherbatsky: Do you think he's winning?
Ted Mosby: I don't even know if he's playing.
Marshall Eriksen: Wait, I get it. I understand this game.
Ted Mosby: No, you don't.
Marshall Eriksen: I totally understand the game, Theodore. Barney, split your tiles. You can triple your money if you find the jellybean.
Barney Stinson: Marshall, please. Don't you think I know what I'm... My God, you're right.


"How I Met Your Mother: Stuff (#2.16)" (2007)
Marshall Eriksen: I never get picked for audience-participation.

Marshall Eriksen: Which would you rather make out with? Classic mermaid, top half human, bottom half fish; or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human?
Barney Stinson: That depends. Is she fat?
Marshall Eriksen: Yes, but she's half fish, so it's the good kind of fat.

Lily Aldrin: You get rid of your iguana when it poops in your hair, but you don't get rid of your dog.
Marshall Eriksen: I miss Jebeddiah.

Barney: Mosit
Lily: [freaks out and twitches]
Barney: Moist... mosit... moist
[while Lily keeps twitching]
Ted: [Narrating to his kids in the future] And that was only the first 40 mins of Uncle Barney's show
Ted: And after that we had to endure
Barney: [Spraying Lily with water with a small squirt gun from stage]
Barney: [Squirt guns empties] I'm out, I have to go and refill. Please don't go, the shows not over.
Marshall: [Disappointed] I am never chosen for audience participation.

Lily Aldrin: [holds a mirror in front of Ted's face] This is the face of Consumerism!
Marshall Eriksen: Oh my God, Ted's part of the play.

Marshall Eriksen: Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Ted Mosby: I had no idea Greed was the killer!
Robin Scherbatsky: And when it became a play within the play, I was, like, now we are really cookin'!
Barney Stinson: [while hugging Lily] Wow, Lily, it sucked!
Marshall Eriksen: Barney...
Barney Stinson: What? It was terrible. Oh, come on, you guys agree, right? Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest, 'cause, you know, we're friends.
Lily Aldrin: No, friends make each other feel good! They... they build each other up and support them. That's what being a good friend is about.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, if you're a smurf.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Chain of Screaming (#3.15)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: You know what, if you're not gonna yell at the waiter, yell at me.
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Barney Stinson: Yell at me.
Marshall Eriksen: I'm not gonna yell at you, Barney.
Barney Stinson: Why? You think you're gonna upset me? Please, give me your best shot.
Marshall Eriksen: Ok, fine. Do you want me to yell at you?
Barney Stinson: Yeah.
Marshall Eriksen: This is me, yelling at you, Barney!
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly landing on a leaf about three blocks away.
Marshall Eriksen: This is me, yelling at you, Barney!
Barney Stinson: Okay, you got some volume now give me some content, make it hurt!
Marshall Eriksen: You don't look as good in suits as you think you do!
Barney Stinson: No, something that it's true, come on. The man made you cry, make me cry!

Barney Stinson: Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
Marshall Eriksen: I don't know what happened. There is just something about been yelled like that, like I was being spurred by my dad, suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy.
Robin Scherbatsky: Is boy the right word?

Marshall Eriksen: [Ted sells his car so Marshall and Lily can keep their apartment] You sure about this?
Ted Mosby: Yeah. Who needs a car in New York city anyway?
Marshall Eriksen: Ted, I don't think I can accept...
Ted Mosby: Marshall, don't make me scream at you.
Marshall Eriksen: Thanks, buddy.
Ted Mosby: You guys did it in the car, didn't you?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh yeah.

Marshall Eriksen: They always told me that working at a big law firm was like being at war. You get out of law school, it's like getting out of boot camp
[Flash to Marshall at work]
Marshall Eriksen: That first day at work, you're storming the beaches, full of piss and vinegar.
Ferguson: Dude, we're lawyers now.
Marshall Eriksen: Totally.
Ferguson: We've got briefcases and everything!
Marshall Eriksen: [Excited] Frickin' briefcases!
Ferguson: You have anything in yours?
Marshall Eriksen: Totally empty. You?
Ferguson: Candy bars!
Marshall Eriksen: [narrating] Then you get in the trenches; side-by-side with your buddies and you feel a sense of camaraderie. But before too long, the shells start to fall...

Ted Mosby: [Telling Marshall what to do after crying in front of his boss] Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy with a big, eloquent speech defending human dignity. Like Abraham Lincoln.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, like it's so easy to bust out a big eloquent speech off the top of your head.
Ted Mosby: [Clears throat] Observe.
[Flash to Ted as Marshall at his job]
Ted Mosby: Arthur.
Arthur Hobbs: What do you want Marshall
Ted Mosby: Justice, sir. See, we're all born with certain incontrovertible rights. The most fundamentally paramount of which is the right...
[Cuts off]
Ted Mosby: Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. One means highest, one means lowest.
Arthur Hobbs: You are nailing this.
Ted Mosby: [Tries again] Human beings have rights. And those rights are, um...
Arthur Hobbs: You got me hooked, reel me in.
Ted Mosby: There are certain justices that cannot, and will not be inalienable, as such... for the future!

Barney Stinson: That's why there's a little thing in corporate America I like to call the chain of screaming
Marshall Eriksen: The chain of screaming?
Barney Stinson: Yes. The chain of screaming starts at the top. Arthur's boss's boss screams at Arthur's boss. Arthur's boss screams at Arthur. Arthur screams at you. You go home and scream at Lily. Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. Then that kid screams at her dad: Arthur's boss's boss. And the whole thing starts all over again; thus completing the circle of screaming
Ted Mosby: I thought you said it was a chain of screaming?
Barney Stinson: It's a circle, Ted. I called it a circle.
Marshall Eriksen: I don't scream at Lily
Lily Aldrin: And I don't scream at my kids. None of whom have parents that work at Marshall's firm.
Robin Scherbatsky: So it's not a circle
Barney Stinson: [Angry] Fine! You want it to be a chain of screaming? A chain of screaming. I come up with the circle idea halfway through because I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, but fine, RUIN it. You guys always undermine me when I'm trying to make a point and I'm sick of it. Argh! I'm surrounded by idiots. IDIOTS.
[Normal]
Barney Stinson: See, doesn't everyone feel better now?


"How I Met Your Mother: Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM (#1.18)" (2006)
Barney Stinson: We haven't reached legendary yet. We're just at the "le." We still have the "gen", the "da", the "ry"
Lily Aldrin: Well if we're at the "le" I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you just got burned, phonics style.

Lily Aldrin: Okay, it's time for bed.
Barney Stinson: What? No. It's 2:30.
Lily Aldrin: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Barney Stinson: You know, I have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back at the best stories of my life - the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost four-way.
Marshall Eriksen: You never had a four-way.
Barney Stinson: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m; because after 2 AM is when things get- audience say it with me- LEGENDARY.

Marshall Eriksen: [about Robin telling Barney she likes Ted] Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell? She told you and not me?
Barney Stinson: Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
Barney Stinson: That is a lie!
Marshall Eriksen: It is not a lie.
[Both Stand up and start simultaneously yelling at each other]
Barney Stinson: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!
Marshall Eriksen: I'll show you things you never seen before! I used to box in the Army!

Barney Stinson: [after Lily tells Ted that Robin likes him] Lily, here's what you just said: "Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you.
Marshall Eriksen: And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice.

Marshall Eriksen: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?

Korean Elvis: [On the phone] Ted, this is your main man, K.E. I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig?
Marshall Eriksen: [Takes the phone] Sorry about that.
Ted: Was that Korean Elvis?
Marshall Eriksen: I'll explain later.


"How I Met Your Mother: Zip, Zip, Zip (#1.14)" (2006)
[Lily and Marshal are stuck in the bathroom and Lily has to pee]
Marshall Eriksen: How much longer do you think you can hold it?
Lily Aldrin: I drank a big gulp of Mountain Dew during that Quantum Leap marathon.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh boy.

Marshall Eriksen: [Listening in on Ted and Victoria] God, close the deal, already. It's been, like, 45 minutes... we could have had sex three times by now.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, try five.
Marshall Eriksen: What up!
[They high five]

Marshall Eriksen: It's not fair to compare us to Ted and Victoria. This is their first time.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, but we could still have some more romance. Now, you just say, "Wanna do it?" And I say, "Yeah."
Marshall Eriksen: Wanna do...
Lily Aldrin: [Reprimanding] No!

Marshall Eriksen: [after Lily peed in front of him for the first time] And you know what, I actually feel closer to you now.
[Begins mimicking Ted]
Marshall Eriksen: I want to know you. Like, know your soul.
Lily Aldrin: [Continuing] Marshall, what makes you cry?
Marshall Eriksen: This moment is fleeting because it's being chased by another moment.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, just grab my boob already.

Marshall Eriksen: [When Ted and Victoria are in the apartment, think Lily and Marshall are away] All we have to do is hide out in here until Ted moves his mojo into the bedroom.
Lily Aldrin: But I don't want to hide out in here.
Marshall Eriksen: Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind waiting for this. If we go out there and spoil the mood, it's not going to happen. Then one of us is going to have to have sex with Ted, and... not going to be me.

Victoria: I think this may be a perfect moment. I wish we could hold onto it forever.
Ted Mosby: No. Because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting. By its very nature, it... slips through our fingers... making it that much more precious.
Lily Aldrin: [In the bathroom, Lily and Marshall are eavesdropping... ] Ugh, that is bad. That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad.
Marshall Eriksen: And they're not even high.


"How I Met Your Mother: Purple Giraffe (#1.2)" (2005)
Ted Mosby: [about Robin] She wants casual... OK. I'll be casual, I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual! You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole "happily ever after" thing, but you can't do that UNLESS you play the game.
Marshall Eriksen: So you're gonna ask her out?
Ted Mosby: Yeah - NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out, I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out without asking her out...
Lily: ...Did you guys get high?

Marshall Eriksen: All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody "wanged," everybody "chunged." Now The Kid has gotta get to work, and The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted Mosby, Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall.

Marshall Eriksen: So, Gatsby, what are you going to do when Robin shows up?
Ted Mosby: OK, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door, and where's Ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So Robin strolls over and I casually give her one of these "Hey, what's up?" She says "Hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera ." And then I say "Well, make yourself at home" and I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, "Oh, you're still here," I say, like I don't really care, but it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually, "Wanna see the roof?"

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, where the hell is my... oh! OK. Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923 is not a coaster! Ted! I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw, not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not even going to show up. I mean, where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin?...
[Sees Robin]
Marshall Eriksen: Hi. Hi, Robin.

Ted Mosby: [At the bar] Hey, don't you have a paper to write?
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, you're talking to The Kid. I'm gonna knock back this beer. I'm gonna knock back one more beer. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna write a 25-page paper. I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that's the Trufus.
Narrator: He got a B-, but still. 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good.

Lily: Hey I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. Me beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall Eriksen: [Stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
Ted Mosby: [See Ted sitting on the couch] Guys. Boundaries.


"How I Met Your Mother: First Time in New York (#2.12)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: Watch your step when you get up kids, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway.
Marshall Eriksen: Wait a minute. A month ago you told me relationships were like a traveling circus.
Barney Stinson: No, this is new, this trumps that. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.
Robin Scherbatsky: So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that.
Barney Stinson: [ignoring what Robin just said] The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months - That's when you guys
[pointing at Ted and Robin]
Barney Stinson: are gonna break up, mark your calendars.
Ted Mosby: Hey!
Robin Scherbatsky: What?
Barney Stinson: Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like "Are we there yet?"

Robin Scherbatsky: You know, Katie, I have wanted to come to the Empire State Building for so long, but I waited to come here with someone special.
Katie Scherbatsky: Oh, here we go.
Lily Aldrin: Marshall and I have never been to the Empire State Building either. But I'm so glad I waited to do something so important with my fiancee.
Marshall Eriksen: Speaking of waiting, I signed an abstinence pledge in high school. It's totally cool to wait. And stay away from drugs... other than pot.

Katie Scherbatsky: I've been dating Kyle for two months now. It's like forever. I mean, we've already done everything else. I mean, we've even...
Robin Scherbatsky: [plugs her ears] Oh. La, la, la, la, la.La, la, la, la, la, la, la,la, la, la, la, la.
Marshall Eriksen: [to Lily] Even Kyle gets to do that.

Robin Scherbatsky: [after finding out her sister is planning on loosing her virginity] This can't happen. She's my baby sister, okay? She should be watching The Little Mermaid and drinking Yoohoo, and not having sex.
Ted Mosby: Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex. I was 17.
Marshall Eriksen: [Gestures to himself and Lily] We were 18.
Ted Mosby: Barney was probably 12.
Barney Stinson: [laughs nervously] Good one, Ted. I was, uh, six... fourt... How old were you again?
Ted Mosby: 17.
Barney Stinson: Dude, me, too.

Robin Scherbatsky: You only get one shot at losing your virginity. And even though I just barely had sex, it counts.
Lily Aldrin: What do you mean just barely?
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, he didn't dive all the way into the pool, but he... splashed around in the shallow end.
Lily Aldrin: Then you didn't lose your virginity to him. Just barely doesn't count.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yes, it does.
Lily Aldrin: No, it doesn't.
Marshall Eriksen: Yes, it does.
Lily Aldrin: No, it doesn't. It doesn't count. End of story.
Barney Stinson: Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin, you saucy little harlot. Could it be that before Marshall took a swim, someone else tested the water?

Lily Aldrin: [to Barney] Speaking of first times, we never got to hear your virginity story.
Marshall Eriksen: That's right, I almost forgot.
Barney Stinson: Okay. I was 16, and it was in a baseball dugout...
Marshall Eriksen: Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Barney Stinson: I mean, I was in a subway with a high-priced call girl...
Ted Mosby: Risky Business.
Barney Stinson: I was accidentally hacking into NORAD'S computer...
Ted Mosby: That's War Games, and there's not even a sex scene in it.
Barney Stinson: All right!
[Begrudgingly]
Barney Stinson: I was 23, and it was with my mom's 45-year-old divorced friend, Rhonda. She called me "Barry" the whole time, and for two weeks, my comforter smelled like menthol cigarettes. You happy?
Marshall Eriksen: [Noticing Barney's sadness] Hey... Why don't you tell us again about your first time at the camp in the Catskills.
Barney Stinson: Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's. Her dad did not approve of our love.
Ted Mosby: Did anyone put Baby in a corner?
Barney Stinson: Oh, God, no. What can I say, I... had... the time of my life. True story.


"How I Met Your Mother: Old King Clancy (#4.18)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: If I could nail any celebrity, it would be Lily, because she's the star of my heart.
Lily Aldrin: Aw! Mine would be Hugh Jackman.

Lily Aldrin: How do you know all these?
Barney Stinson: Canadiansexacts.org. It's bookmarked on the top right.
Marshall Eriksen: Dot org?
Barney Stinson: Yeah, it's not for profit. They really just want to get the information out there.

Ted Mosby: What is an E.T.R.?
Barney Stinson: It's an Employee Transition Room
Ted Mosby: What does that mean?
Barney Stinson: Well, it's a space where a supervisor and an employee engage in a knowledge transfer about an impending vocational paradigm shift.
Marshall Eriksen: People get fired here

Narrator: In the spring of 2009 I'd been hired to design a new headquarters for Goliath National Bank. And I was eager to add as much of my voices as an architect into the plan as possible.
Ted Mosby: Woodbeams bathed in natural light in the atrium. They're gonna love it!
Narrator: There was only one problem and his name was Bilson.
Bilson: Wood? Natural light? Oh, no! Natural light reminds employees that there is an outside world where they have family and friends. We want to crush that! You arrive in the dark, you come home in the dark. You spend your whole damn day in the dark!
Marshall Eriksen: I need to hear Lily's voice.

Bilson: We're scrapping the plan for the new GNB headquarters. This recession is killing us. We're cutting anything non-essential. And I have a lot of tough choices to make during our company retreat in Saint Croix.
Marshall Eriksen: Man, Ted is gonna be devastated.
Bilson: Not when he hears it coming from his best friend.
Barney Stinson, Marshall Eriksen: I have to tell him?

Barney Stinson: Marshall, what you're suggesting is an elaborate,long-term lie that requires tremendous commitment. A nice guy like you can't pull that off.
Marshall Eriksen: Sure I can.
Barney Stinson: Lie to me right now.
Marshall Eriksen: Okay. I have a spaceship.
Barney Stinson: What kind of fuel powers your spaceship?
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, I don't have a spaceship.
Barney Stinson: No! Stand your ground! If someone questions you, distract them from the original lie with more lies. Here, let me demonstrate. I own a pony. Ask me a question.
Marshall Eriksen: Okay. Um, what color is your pony?
Barney Stinson: Well, when I first got Dandelion, she was a deep, chestnut brown, but, sadly, her stable is located near a chemical plant, which contaminated the drinking water. So over time, she's turned a sickly, grayish-white color and there's nothing that the vet can do to fix her.
Marshall Eriksen: My God! I'm - That's horrible. Is Dandelion going to be okay?
[Barney gives him a look]
Marshall Eriksen: Okay. All right. Huh. You are good! Dandelion's not even sick, is she?


"How I Met Your Mother: Moving Day (#2.18)" (2007)
Marshall Eriksen: [giving Ted his sword] It's a real bummer breaking up the set, but you're going to need it.
Robin Scherbatsky: He's right. My building is infested with dragons.

Lily: Okay, I think we need to lay down some ground rules. Just because we can be loud, doesn't mean we have to be loud. And although it might turn you on, you screaming, 'I'M THE BEST!' doesn't do much for me.
Marshall: Well, it's a lot better than yelling, 'Ted's not here!' over and over again.
Lily: Well, at least what I said is true!
Marshall: Well that was unnecessary.

Marshall: This is so great! We can finally do all the things we always said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Lily: Oh, I know what I want to start with.
[Cut to them sitting on the couch naked]
Marshall: So, here we are, right? Sitting around the apartment naked. Awesome.
Lily: [Without enthusiasm] Yep.
Marshall: It's not as awesome as I thought it would be.
Lily: My butt itches.
Marshall: I'm cold.
Lily: I noticed.

Marshall Eriksen: Lily... deep within the Amazonian rainforest, there is a type of tree that only grows around the body of an existing tree. It cannot survive without this tree. It is supported... by this tree. Lily, we are that tree.
Lily: The inside tree or the outside tree?
Marshall Eriksen: The outside tree.
Lily: Shouldn't there be three trees?
Marshall Eriksen: You and I are one tree. Okay, look, Lily, the point is that we grew around Ted and without him, we're slowly dying.
Lily: What do we do?
Marshall Eriksen: I think we can marry each other. But we also have to marry Ted.
Lily: I'll tell you right now, my Dad is not gonna pay for that wedding.

Ted Mosby: Look, I know that you guys were really excited to have a place to yourself, and... until after the wedding, I mean, if it's not too much of an imp...
[Lily and Marshall interrupt Ted by hugging him, one at each side of him, looking peaceful. Ted looks rather uncomfortable]
Ted Mosby: Um...
Marshall: God, this feels so right.
Lily: Mm. Never leave us again.
Ted Mosby: Guys, Robin's down in the truck, and there's actually a lot of boxes...
[Lily hushes him while she and Marshall are still hugging Ted]


"How I Met Your Mother: Robots vs. Wrestlers (#5.22)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: Aww... Lilllly... babieeeeees!
Barney Stinson: I hope Ted is miserable right now

Jefferson Van Smoot: Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
Marshall Eriksen: His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!

Barney Stinson: I've got five tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers!
Ted Mosby: That is awesome!
Barney Stinson: You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Marshall Eriksen: Not at all!
Ted Mosby: But we're assuming it's some sort of sporting event putting robots... against wrestlers!
Barney Stinson: That's exactly what it is! According to the website!

Barney Stinson: Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?

Marshall Eriksen: So, funny thing about Willem Dafoe. His name sounds like it's being spoken by a frog, then a parrot.
[Demonstrates this]
Marshall Eriksen: Willem. DA-FOE! Willem. DA-FOE!


"How I Met Your Mother: Monday Night Football (#2.14)" (2007)
Wendy: Oh, God, you didn't hear? Mark died.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, my gosh.
Wendy: The funeral's tomorrow at 6:00, and I know it would have meant a lot to Mark if you came. You guys were his favorite customers.
Lily Aldrin, Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky: Stay strong. We're so sorry.
[the waitress leaves]
Ted Mosby: Who was Mark?
Marshall Eriksen: No idea.
Barney Stinson: Not a clue.

Marshall Eriksen: [In Lily's Kindergarten class] I'm trying to hide out 'cause I don't want to know who won the Super Bowl.
Doug: I know who won.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, um, that's great, but I really don't want to know, so if you could just keep that to yourself.
Doug: How badly do you not want to know?
Marshall Eriksen: Excuse me?
Doug: Ten bucks.
Marshall Eriksen: Are you serious?
Doug: Just went up to eight.

Robin Scherbatsky: [At Mark's funeral] This is going faster than I thought. We'll make an appearance at the bar for the wake, we'll be watching the game by 8:00.
Carl: [At the Bar, 2am] And even though we didn't see any whales, Mark and I both said it was the best day of our lives. Okay, I'm getting us another round. And when I come back, everyone else is telling their favorite Mark story.
Marshall Eriksen: Dibs on the one Carl just told.

Marshall Eriksen: [Watching the Superbowl, 2004] Hey, Barney, I bet you 20 bucks that Casey misses this field goal.
Barney Stinson: I don't bet. Betting's for suckers.
Marshall Eriksen: Make it like a dollar or something, you know. Who cares? No big deal.
Barney Stinson: Fine.
Marshall Eriksen: See, there you go, he made it. You win.
[Hands Barney a dollar]
Barney Stinson: Wait. This is mine, just like that? God, that feels good. No, that feels really... good. What else can we bet on?
Marshall Eriksen: Nothing, it's the halftime show.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, so lame. Nobody even pays attention. I mean, Janet Jackson, who cares?
[Everyone leaves]

Barney Stinson: [Superbowl, 2006] I'll give you the Seahawks plus six points for 500 bucks.
Marshall Eriksen: Are you crazy? Maybe for $50.
Barney Stinson: [Freaking out] $50? What fun is $50? Why don't we just bet air? God, Marshall!
[Normal]
Barney Stinson: Okay, $50.


"How I Met Your Mother: Rebound Bro (#3.18)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: I miss Barney. I haven't high-fived anyone in like a week. I think I'm starting to lose my fist pump callus.

Marshall Eriksen: You haven't had sex since Thanksgiving. Do you know how many federal holidays have passed since then?
Lily Aldrin: Remember what we did on Martin Luther King Day?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, yeah. We honored the hell out of that dude.

Marshall Eriksen: The last time Stella had sex, "The Da Vinci Code" was just coming out.
Robin Scherbatsky: That doesn't seem so long ago.
Marshall Eriksen: Not the movie. The book.
Robin Scherbatsky: Wow!

Marshall Eriksen: Wow. Stella hasn't had sex since 2003. Let's just put this in context. The last time Stella had sex, the movie, Seabiscuit, had just galloped into the theaters... and our hearts... The last time Stella had sex, the world was just learning about SARS.

Marshall Eriksen: [On the Internet] Notable deaths in 2003... Oh my God... Nell Carter. Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died?


"How I Met Your Mother: Sorry, Bro (#4.16)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: She wasn't that bad.
Lily Aldrin: Of course not. That's because she turned you into one of her douche zombies.
Marshall Eriksen: [zombie voice] I want to eat your brains, but only if they're organic and grass-fed.

Ted Mosby: We've all done things in college we regret. Marshall grew a soul patch, wore a rasta hat and asked that everyone call him J.B. Smooth.
Marshall Eriksen: I do not regret that for a second.

Marshall Eriksen: The story is already written. Ted is Charlie Brown and Karen is Lucy, and she's going to pull the football away and have sex with it.

Barney: ...a hug is just like a public dry hump
Marshall: I think you're hugging wrong...

Ted Mosby: So, Karen in New York. Weird, right?
Lily Aldrin: Ted, you can not get back together with Karen.
Ted Mosby: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall Eriksen: No. No, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Ted calls Karen. Number five: Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily Aldrin: I'm Lily, and I approve the order of that list.


"How I Met Your Mother: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
Marshall Eriksen: [rehearsing with Ted] Will you marry me?
Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you do your toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor! Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.

[giving a toast]
Marshall Eriksen: To my fiance!
Lily Aldrin: To the future!
Ranjit: To one hell of a night!

Older Ted: Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.
Son: Are we being punished for something.
Older Ted: No.
Daughter: Yeah, is this gonna take awhile?
Older Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad" I had this whole other life. I was 27, just starting out as an architect, living with your uncle Marshall. My life was good. Then your uncle Marshall went screwed the whole thing up.
[flash to 2005]
Marshall Eriksen: Will you marry me?
Ted: Yes! Perfect. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
Marshall Eriksen: Right. Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Ted: Are you kidding? It's you and Lily. I've been there for all the big you and Lily moments. The night you met, your first date... other firsts.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah... sorry, we thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics, Marshall. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. Oh my God, you're getting engaged tonight.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah. What are you doing tonight?
Older Ted: [V.O] What was I doing? Here, your uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life and me? I'm calling up your uncle Barney.
Barney: Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian chicks? Well, now I've got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new half-Asians.
Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight?
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 10 minutes, and suit up!
Barney: [Ted walks in] Where's your suit? Just once, when I say, "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did... that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!

Ted: [about why he didn't kiss Robin] She didn't even give me the signal!
Barney: What, is she gonna... is she gonna bat her eyes at you in morse code?
[Bats eyes]
Barney: Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!
Ted: Not if you don't get the signal!
Barney: [Barney spontaneously kisses Marshall] Did Marshall give me the signal?
Marshall Eriksen: No!
[to Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't, I swear!

Marshall Eriksen: Huh. The guy didn't jump.
Ted: I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, it's midnight. As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you, that's freaking crazy.
Ted: I never do anything crazy! I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. Well, she's leaving tomorrow, and this may be the only moment I'm gonna get! I'm gonna do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the leap!... Okay, not a perfext metaphor. 'Cause for me it's falling in love and getting married, and for him it's... death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Playbook (#5.8)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: So Robin, do you have a playbook?
Robin Scherbatsky: [motions at breasts] Two volumes, right here.
Ted Mosby: I've read them, it's a good read.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, I'm reading them right now.

Ted Mosby: Say what you will, but it's a law of nature.
Marshall Eriksen: Lawyered!... of nature.

Barney Stinson: Every woman in New York! Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCA.
Marshall Eriksen: MILSWANCA?
Ted Mosby: Oh I got it, Mothers I Like To Sleep With And Never Call Again
Barney Stinson: Correct! Circle gets a square.

Lily Aldrin: Can you believe that? He blames me! Oh, and by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you.
Ted Mosby: Hm. Let me think. Do I wanna go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? Guys, help me out with the harmonies?
Marshall Eriksen: Sure.
Ted Mosby: Hell no...
Robin Scherbatsky: Hell no...
Marshall Eriksen: Hell no...
Claire: Hell no...

Robin Scherbatsky: All right, I'm gonna get the paper.
Ted Mosby: More like go get a husband.
Marshall Eriksen: Totally.
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, you guys, just stop that. Seriously, the last thing I'm looking for right now is a relationship.
Ted Mosby: Uh-huh. When you pick up the newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements. For yours!
Marshall Eriksen: Robin, it's like this. Do you know how many times in my life I've gone to the freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them?
Robin Scherbatsky: Thousands?
Marshall Eriksen: Millions. But when I go to the freezer looking for a popsicle or the remote control because Lily and I are having a fight and she's hidden it there, do you know what I find? Frozen waffles. That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles. And in this case, frozen waffles is a guy. Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles.


"How I Met Your Mother: Bad News (#6.13)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: I'll give my dad a call after Dr. Stengal gives me the thumbs up.
Ted Mosby: Ew! He has to do that?

Lily Aldrin: [Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile] Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall Eriksen: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months.
[high-fives Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: Obviously, I'm the problem.
Barney Stinson: Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant - that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

Lily Aldrin: [to their fertility specialist] We're doing it a lot.
Marshall Eriksen: And everywhere. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your waiting-
[Cuts off]
Marshall Eriksen: ... the kitchen.

Marshall Eriksen: I'm freaking out, is there a chance I won't be able to have kids? I've been hit in the nuts a lot.

Marshall Eriksen: Tell him that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? I don't even know how to have that conversation.
Barney Stinson: I'll show you. Dad, uh there's something I need to tell you. It's going to come as a bit of a shock. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co Champion.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Stinsons (#4.15)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Hot blonde babies drinking bad decision juice at eight o'clock.
Marshall Eriksen: Nice rack radar. That's my wife.
Barney Stinson: Nah, I gotta get going.
Lily Aldrin: Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk, isn't that your type?
Barney Stinson: Maybe I don't have a type Lily. God do you think the male mind is really that simplistic. That we all have one favorite type, geez.
Barney Stinson: [to Ted and Marshall] Asian, with some boob.

Marshall Eriksen: You're telling me that when you watch "The Karate Kid", you don't root for Daniel-san?
Ted Mosby: Who do you root for in "Die Hard"?
Barney Stinson: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He's the title character.
Lily Aldrin: What about "The Breakfast Club"?
Barney Stinson: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Robin Scherbatsky: I've got one. "The Terminator".
Barney Stinson: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn't get to kill all those people?
[Breaks down]
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry. I just get so emotional.
Ted Mosby: I am never watching a movie with you again.
Barney Stinson: They didn't even try to help him!

Marshall Eriksen: Where is Barney going?
Ted Mosby: Yeah. We're not even in Manhattan anymore. Where's this girl live?
Robin Scherbatsky: We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney to commit. I'm guessing Narnia.

Marshall Eriksen: Now that you mention it, Barney did do something kind of odd at the office yesterday.
Barney Stinson: [Flashback, Barney on the phone] Okay, see you Saturday. I'm thinking brunch, farmer's market, maybe a hike. I love you, too. Bye.
Marshall Eriksen: I figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail. Or Ted.

Lily Aldrin: I can't believe we haven't met you before. Who knew Barney had such a great mom?
Loretta Stinson: Thanks, dear. Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger.
Marshall Eriksen: Don't say that. I'm sure you were great.
Loretta Stinson: Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
Lily Aldrin: Excuse me?
Loretta Stinson: A whore, dear. A dirty whore. I'm not proud of it. But still, I had some fun. There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but for the next eight minutes, we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom right off its foundation". And then just drive off in opposite directions... Just keep driving.


"How I Met Your Mother: No Tomorrow (#3.12)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: [wearing a green suit] Who wants to kiss the Barney Stone?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, look. It's the Riddler.
Marshall Eriksen: No, that's Gumby. Later, can we tie you in a knot?

Barney Stinson: Let's drink green beer! Let's do green Jell-o shots! Where's your Saint Patrick's Day spirit?
Lily Aldrin: We're drinking green tea.
Marshall Eriksen: With caffeine.

Lily Aldrin: Marshall, you see ghosts all the time, even at Starbucks.
Marshall Eriksen: That Kenny G CD just flew off the shelf.
Robin Scherbatsky: Last time that ever happened.

Marshall Eriksen: [Barney is wearing a green jacket and green pants for St. Patrick's Day] Can we shoot pool on you?

Barney Stinson: [On the phone] Come on, Ted. It's your last night on Earth. You really want to spend it with Marshall and Lily?
Marshall Eriksen: My hands smell weird. Here, smell.
Lily Aldrin: [Smells his hands] You're right, that's new.
Ted Mosby: [to Barney] I'll be there in five minutes.


"How I Met Your Mother: Brunch (#2.3)" (2006)
Barney Stinson: No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, yeah, I'd say that, too, if I had those skinny little chicken legs.
Barney Stinson: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.

Marshall Eriksen: [after Lily wears a provocative dress to dinner] Lily is EVIL! She just wore that dress to torture me. Well you know what? Two can play at that game. See at brunch, I'm going to torture Lily right back. Yeah, there's a part of my body that she's got a weakness for too.
Barney Stinson: Dude, you can't whip that out at brunch.

Lily Aldrin: Just admit it, you came here to try and seduce me.
Marshall Eriksen: Seduce you? You seduced *me*!
Lily Aldrin: You sat down next to me and took most of your pants off!
Marshall Eriksen: You went to San Fransisco for three months!
Lily Aldrin: How is that seducing you?
Marshall Eriksen: Well it's not, but I'm still mad about it!

Narrator: Kids, you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2006 when grandma and grandpa came to visit me, and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy right? Wrong.
Lily Aldrin: [Cut to brunch] I wish your face would melt off.
Marshall Eriksen: I wish your eyeballs would explode.
Lily Aldrin: I hate you.
Marshall Eriksen: I hate you more.
Ted: [Cut to Ted and Barney's area of the table] I'm gonna kill him
Barney Stinson: I can't say I blame you.
Ted: No, I'm *seriously* gonna kill him.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Now to Robin and Ted' mom] I don't care how unpleasant it is, you have to talk to him!
Virginia Mosby: Not now!
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, if you won't, I will
[Tries to stand up and accidentally knocks a tray out a a waitress' hand]
Narrator: Okay, for any of this to make sense, you gotta understand there are three parts to this story...

Lily Aldrin: Why did you have to throw your magnificent calves at me? You know you have a punter's leg.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, why did you have to throw your beautiful boobs at me? You know you have... boobs.


"How I Met Your Mother: Daisy (#9.20)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: Well, it's official. I'm going to be Judge Marshall Eriksen.
Ranjit: That is great. Can you help me get a driver's license?

Marshall Eriksen: [Regarding Lily] Why did she get into the captain's car and why didn't she tell me about it?
Ted Mosby: Well, maybe it was a work thing.
Marshall Eriksen: What? No! She has a big fight with me, she goes down to an Easy Pick, she gets into the Captain's Mercedes, and then three hours later she doesn't wanna go to Italy anymore? Wait does this means...?
Barney Stinson: That the Captain moored his dinghy into Lily's lagoon? Most definitely.
Ted Mosby: That's crazy. You never moor a dinghy into a lagoon.
William Zabka: I don't know Ted. In certain tidal conditions if you were in a protected inlet...
Marshall Eriksen: [Interrupting] Ok, you know what? It doesn't matter. Today's Barney's wedding, let's just forget it.
Barney Stinson: Marshall, do you want to go to the Captain's house right now, punch him in the face really fast and then come back and do this wedding?
Marshall Eriksen: ...Will that be okay?
Barney Stinson: Ranjit, get the car.
Ranjit: Getting the car.

Ted Mosby: When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time, what is the one thing Lily always does?
Marshall Eriksen: Cry?
Barney Stinson: Masturbate?
William Zabka: Karate?
The Captain: Go sailing?

Ted Mosby: You need a cigarette, the closest store is an Easy-Pick five miles down the road, you have no car, what do you do? Go.
William Zabka: Dirt bike.
Marshall Eriksen: I can walk that far.
Barney Stinson: Masturbate.
The Captain: Take a boat.
Ted Mosby: A boat? Dude, she got in your car remember?

Ted Mosby: You're Lily, you just had a cigarette in your bosses powder room, where do you put it? Flush it? Throw it out the window?
Marshall Eriksen: No, she wouldn't do any of those things, she's an environmentalist.
Ted Mosby: Put it in your purse?
William Zabka: Marshall would find it there.
Ranjit: Throw it in the trash can.
Becky: The Captain would find it there.
The Captain: Hide it in a boat.
Ted Mosby: A boat? Why would...?
The Captain: I don't know, I just like boats.
Ted Mosby: No, there's only one place she'd put it, where it would eventually decompose and serve as a natural mulch. It's in the daisy!
Ted Mosby: And sure enough, if I dig through I am all but guaranteed to...
[reaches into the pot and pulls out... ]
Ted Mosby: Pregnancy test?
William Zabka: You can smoke those?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Goat (#3.17)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: Marshall, I need a lawyer.
Marshall Eriksen: How much will you pay me?
Barney Stinson: A little.
Marshall Eriksen: All right, I'll take it.

Marshall Eriksen: So, I've been looking over these contracts, and I gotta say, I think this might be a little out of my league. For one thing, it seems like if these contracts are not executed precisely, we will be at war with Portugal.
Barney Stinson: Please, that's a Tuesday for me.

Marshall Eriksen: We can't keep a goat.
Lily Aldrin: But she's so cute and fuzzy and soft.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, and it also sheds, eats garbage and can't control it's bowel movements. Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital and say my Uncle Linus can live with us?

Barney: Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right? If he's broken the Bro Code, then I'm off the hook!
Marshall Eriksen: I thought about that, and I gotta say Ted has uphold this thing time and time again. For example, article 87. "A bro shall at all times say yes."
[flashback]
Cindy: So he saved you from an avalanche?
Ted: Yes.
Cindy: And he carried you almost six miles to safety on his broken leg?
Ted: Yes.
Cindy: And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer who used to be a member of the Russian mob?
[Ted looks at Barney with fury on his face before turning to the woman again]
Ted: Da.
[takes a huge zip of his beer]

Barney Stinson: You can't tell anyone. Attorney-client privilege.
Marshall Eriksen: Why are you doing this to me?
Barney Stinson: Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer to prove I didn't do anything wrong.
Marshall Eriksen: How can I help you as your lawyer? You didn't break any laws, did you?
[Concerned]
Marshall Eriksen: Robin knows that you slept with her, doesn't she?
Barney Stinson: I didn't break any state or federal laws. But I think I broke a much, much higher law. The Bro Code.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Sexless Innkeeper (#5.4)" (2009)
[after the double date between Lily and Marshall and Barney and Robin]
Lily Aldrin: Nailed it!
Marshall Eriksen: Best date night ever!
[They high five each other]
Barney Stinson: [Outside the door] Worst night ever!
[Robin mimes shooting herself in the head]

Barney Stinson: We're sorry we haven't been returning your calls, and we respect you too much to give you the old song-and-dance, so here's the truth. The US Navy has found intelligent life at the bottom of the ocean, and for reasons too complicated to explain, Robin and I have been chosen to lead the expedition.
Lily Aldrin: That's just like the kind of line you give your dates when you want to dump them.
Marshall Eriksen: But if it's true, that would be awesome.

Lily Aldrin: Game time. Let's review the flow of the room. Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas. That's a great conversation starter. We can tell them about our trip to Cabo.
Marshall Eriksen: Great, 'cause I got that story about Sammy Hagar Anthe Belgian waffle locked and loaded.
Lily Aldrin: Then we'll move on to the hot apps station. And, depending on how things are going, Some lively pre-dinner charades.
Marshall Eriksen: Right, but, uh, we'll play that one by...
[Points to his ears]
Lily Aldrin: Sounds like?
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, you can be Robin's partner.

Marshall Eriksen: If I recall, they didn't dump us until you brought up that Vermont trip. It was way too early. First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip to Vermont. It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, what about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades? I gave you one thing to do, Marshall. One thing.
Marshall Eriksen: [Offended] One thing?
[Lily nods]
Marshall Eriksen: One thing? Wow. Really? So, I guess that gouda Just walked itself right through the door... Sliced itself up, and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle around not three, not four... But *five* different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?
Lily Aldrin: You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker!

Lily Aldrin: [Standing outside their apartment] How do we know you two won't hurt us again?
Robin Scherbatsky: You don't.
Marshall Eriksen: You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment Who are perfect for us.
Barney Stinson: Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?
Lily Aldrin: Damn it. Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy... And girl?
Marshall Eriksen: I think we can change them.
Lily Aldrin: Come here, you two.
[Group hug]
Barney Stinson: We'll never sleep on the Gouda again!


"How I Met Your Mother: Noretta (#7.7)" (2011)
Barney Stinson: Come on, Barney Stinson always turns it around.
Marshall Eriksen: How?
Barney Stinson: Simple, I turned... it... *around*.

Lily Aldrin: [Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers] AHHHH, I can't go through with this!
Marshall Eriksen: Thank God, me neither.
Lily Aldrin: You're too much like my dad.
Marshall Eriksen: You're too much like *my* dad!
Lily Aldrin: [Angry] Your DAD?
Marshall Eriksen: [Later on, after they make up] I'm the real lucky guy because I married my dad.

Narrator: Kids, in the fall of 2011, all my friends were in relationships. So when Barney's brother james cam to visit it created a slight logistical problem...
[Cut to the booth at MacLaren's, which is packed with Lily, Marshall, Nora, Barney, Kevin, Robin, Ted and James]
Marshall Eriksen: We're gonna need a bigger booth.
Nora: I'm going to go to the loo. I don't actually have to go, I just want a seat all to myself.

Marshall Eriksen: So, I was trying to think how to best express how sexy you are to me. A song? A poem? And then it hit me: a board game!
Lily Aldrin: You just get women.
Marshall Eriksen: No, no, no! You'll like this. We ask risque questions and spicy dares to slowly move up your shapely legs. I call it "Shoots and Lilies"
Lily Aldrin: I would have guessed "Monopo-Lily"
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, that would have been better.

Robin Scherbatsky: [about Ted asking Robin to a Weird Al concert] Oh, you think I'm the first person Ted asked?
[laughs]
Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, am I the first person you asked?
Ted Mosby: [Cut to Ted on the phone] Marshall! You, me, Weird Al?
Marshall Eriksen: No thanks Ted
Ted Mosby: [Again on the phone] Bar-ney! I've got two tickets to Weird Al Yank...
[Barney hangs up]
Ted Mosby: Barney?
Ted Mosby: Li-ly! Come on, you'll be the hottest girl there. Okay, you'll be the only girl there
[Lily hangs up]
Ted Mosby: [Ted tires calling various people] Stu-art! Clau-dia! Brad! Nat-a-lie! Trudie! Ranjit! Carl the bartender! Dude from my bodega! Steam-cleaning coupon guy!
[Flatly]
Ted Mosby: M-om. Please? I'll fly you out!
Virginia Mosby: I don't think so, I'm sorry sweet pea.
Ted Mosby: Is Clint there?
Virginia Mosby: No.


"How I Met Your Mother: Three Days of Snow (#4.13)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: I'm sorry, Robin. You're not a robot. I mean, if you are, you're like an incredibly advanced model and humanity doesn't stand a chance.

Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, these little rituals, telling each other what you ate, they're childish. You're like children playing house.
Marshall Eriksen: You know why you don't like them? It's because you've never been in a relationship long enough to develop them.
Robin Scherbatsky: What?
Marshall Eriksen: You don't understand love. You're like a robot who asks someone who's crying "Why is your face leaking?"
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, robot initiating parking-on-the-curb-until-jackass-apologizes sequence. Beeb-bob-boop-beep-booooop!
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, my robot was like a million times better.

Lily Aldrin: [Lily calls Marshall while he is with clients] Hey, baby. It's lunchtime, and I love you.
Marshall Eriksen: I reciprocate in principle, although with the caveat that there seems to be a bit of a surplus here on my end.
Lily Aldrin: No, I love you more.
Marshall Eriksen: Do we need to get in a room together and bang this thing out?
[pause]
Marshall Eriksen: Those sound like agreeable terms, although I may need to adjust my briefs.

Robin Scherbatsky: I still say this is stupid. What happened to, "As we mature, the relationship matures with us?"
Marshall Eriksen: That's just something Lily read in Psychology Today. Alright, she read it in Cosmo. Alright, I read it in Cosmo. Alright, it was CosmoGirl!

Lily Aldrin: [With a six pack of... ] Aspen Yards Ale, get it?
Marshall Eriksen: Actually, no.
Lily Aldrin: Me, neither. I was hoping you would.


"How I Met Your Mother: Game Night (#1.15)" (2006)
Barney: Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Re-return. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...a-yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!
[pause]
Marshall: I think Barney just won game night.

Marshall: [about the game he invented] It's called, "Marshgammon". It combines all the best features of all the best games: Candyland, I Never, Pictionary...
Robin Scherbatsky: Backgammon, obviously.
Marshall: No, backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon", and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.

Lily Aldrin: You brought the game to the bar?
Marshall: Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.
Ted Mosby: I was winning?

Marshall: [Telling his most embarrassing story] I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom.
[a kid comes in]
Screaming Boy: [Screaming] AGRHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Marshall stumbles out of the bathroom and lands face first in front of Lily and the kindergarteners]
Marshall: I wish I'd pulled up my pants.
Lily Aldrin: The kids still call him Funny Butt.

Marshall: [Explaining the rules of Marsh-gammon] ... But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then... you got to drink. Got it?
Narrator: No


"How I Met Your Mother: The Limo (#1.11)" (2005)
Marshall Eriksen: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.

Marshall Eriksen: I couldn't find Lily at party number three so I walked... I walked to the next party on the list.
Ted Mosby: Not Moby's party?
Marshall Eriksen: Yes, Moby's party. Check it out. He signed my shirt.
[Shows the back of the shirt where the name "Eric" is written]

Barney Stinson: We couldn't go back for Natalya, a human being, but we do have time for hot dogs?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, we like hot dogs.

Marshall Eriksen: Oh, God. I'm reaching dangerous levels of psychage. Must do robot.


"How I Met Your Mother: Swarley (#2.7)" (2006)
Ted Mosby: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall Eriksen: Yep.
Barney Stinson: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted Mosby: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name!
[in a sing-song voice]
Ted Mosby: Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney Stinson: [In a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Marshall Eriksen: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
Ted Mosby: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
Barney Stinson: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...
[sees Marshall and Ted smile]
Barney Stinson: Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar!
[leaves the coffee shop angerly]
Ted Mosby: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall Eriksen: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.

Barney Stinson: [about the girl Marshall's going on a date with] She's got the... 'Crazy Eyes'.
Ted Mosby: Dude... the eyes... they're CRAZY.
Marshall Eriksen: What are you guys talking about; the 'Crazy Eyes'?
Barney Stinson: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted Mosby: Nope, just pupils.
Barney Stinson: It's an indicator of future mental instability
Marshall Eriksen: She does not have the crazy eyes.
Ted Mosby: You just can't see it because you're afflicted with "haven't been laid in a while" blindness.

Ted Mosby: [Commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke] Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out!
Marshall Eriksen: [Unsure] You think?
Ted Mosby: Yeah! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.

Ted Mosby: [about Chloe] So, she's needy crazy. That's one of the worst kinds.
Barney Stinson: I've had one of those. Makes up stories to get attention. Went out with her for three weeks, her dad died twice.
Marshall Eriksen: Guys, she was really freaked out, okay? Maybe the story is true.
Barney Stinson: What in the world would make you believe that's a true story?
Marshall Eriksen: She's really hot.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap (#5.9)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: It's gonna be ten more minutes.
Mickey Aldrin: I'm okay, as long as I have "Diseases!" The fun's infectious.

Marshall Eriksen: It's just gonna be five more minutes.
Mickey Aldrin: Hopefully soon, amigo. I'm fighting a losing case of hemorrhoids here.
Marshall Eriksen: Is that one of the diseases?
Mickey Aldrin: No.

Lily Aldrin: I can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Marshall Eriksen: Because the slap has done what I'd hoped. It's brought us all closer together. And it's caused us to recognize both the frailty and the greatness in ourselves and each other.
Barney Stinson: Oh, give me a break!
Marshall Eriksen: [unties Barney] And that is why there will be no slapping today.
Barney Stinson: Oh, my God. This is the best Thanksgiving...
[Marshall slaps Barney so hard he falls over]
Marshall Eriksen: That's four! So, back to turkey.

Ted Mosby: Hey, buddy, are you all right? Did you swallow some of the paint?
Marshall Eriksen: I'm giving Mickey my "you're dead to me" look.
Mickey Aldrin: You are? Lily's is much better.


"How I Met Your Mother: Everything Must Go (#3.19)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, today's category, classic westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: The good, the bad and the fabulous.
Lily Aldrin: The magnificent Kevin.
Marshall Eriksen: No country for straight men.

Marshall Eriksen: [to Lily] Man, birds do not get you.

Ted Mosby: Everyone has something in their closet they don't wear.
Ted Mosby: I don't.
Robin Scherbatsky: Really, red cowboy boots?
Ted Mosby: I pull those off.
Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Lil, if I said, "Ted cannot pull these off" what would I be talking about?
Lily Aldrin: His red cowboy boots.

Marshall Eriksen: I already made a website. Marshall-and-Lily-sell-their-stuff.com.
Lily Aldrin: No, you know what would be a better name? Guy-forces-his-wife-to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag-for-the-next-three-years.com
[Types it in]
Lily Aldrin: It already exists.
Ted Mosby: That woman is really wearing a garbage bag.
Marshall Eriksen: But honey, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Stinson Missile Crisis (#7.4)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: You know what? Screw it! Who says two bros can't rock a birthing class?

Marshall Eriksen: It's fascinating how profoundly little I know about vaginas.

Dr. Sonya: [as Ted and Marshall are leaving the birthing class] Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.
Marshall Eriksen: Damn it!

Lily Aldrin: [while sitting at the bar with Marshall] That wine looks good.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh
[He passes it to her as Ted comes in]
Ted Mosby: Hey, hey, hey! Pregnant women can't drink alcohol.
Lily Aldrin: No, my doctor says it's okay to have a sip of wine every now and then.
Ted Mosby: [Disbelieving] Really?
Lily Aldrin: Dr. Sonja's great; whenever you ask her if you can have something, she's like...
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: Wait, Dr. Sonja doesn't let you have sushi does she?
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: [Lily eats a cheeto] You're allowed to have CHEETOS?
Dr. Sonya: Cheetos? Ah, just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: Do you mind if I double check some of this stuff?


"How I Met Your Mother: Something New (#8.24)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: You didn't tell your mom about Rome?
Marshall Eriksen: It didn't feel right! This isn't an over-the-phone news, this is face-to-face news! I was gonna tell her when we see her in Christmas!
Lily Aldrin: You were gonna wait and tell her after we've been living there for six months? That... was a great plan! Dammit!

Marshall Eriksen: Is there any way that I could do this and also spend the next year of my life in Italy with my wife?
Rand: No.
Marshall Eriksen: This is such a big decision. I'm not good at big decisions.
Rand: Are you sure you wanna be a judge?

Marshall Eriksen: Do I have to be in New York for this?
Rand: Yes.
Marshall Eriksen: I can't telecommute?
Rand: No.
Marshall Eriksen: I couldn't be the crazy speaker phone judge?
Rand: No.
Marshall Eriksen: Could I be a hologram?
Rand: No.
Marshall Eriksen: An animatronic robot like Abe Lincoln from the Hall of Presidents that I control from afar with a joystick?
Rand: No.
Marshall Eriksen: Do you remember the giant Jor-El head from Superman?
Rand: Yes!
Marshall Eriksen: Well... what if I...
Rand: No.

Marshall Eriksen: Can I maybe start a year from Tuesday?
Rand: No.
Marshall Eriksen: Gotta be a week from Tuesday?
Rand: Yes.
Marshall Eriksen: And I would be a real judge.
Rand: Yes.
Marshall Eriksen: With a robe?
Rand: Yes.
Marshall Eriksen: Gavel?
Rand: Yes.
Marshall Eriksen: Wacky Southern accent?
Rand: No.
Marshall Eriksen: [In Southern accent] Now, councilman, are you absolutely sure...
Rand: Yes.


"How I Met Your Mother: Intervention (#4.4)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: [reminiscing Interventions from the past] When I was going through the closet I thought I saw the intervention banner.
Marshall Eriksen: [rolling his eyes over, obviously hiding something] S-So?
Ted Mosby: So, the banner burned up. Why is there a new one?
Ted Mosby: [carries in a box with letters and an Interverntion banner] And there are sealed letters here from all of you that say "Ted." Were you guys planning an intervention for me?
Lily Aldrin: Oh, that... that was stupid. Yeah, just, just forget about that.
Ted Mosby: Wh-What was it for? The Crocs? The hair product?
Marshall Eriksen: [interrupts] Not Stella...
Ted Mosby: [stunned] Oh, my God, this was about Stella.
Marshall Eriksen: I just said *Not* Stella. So maybe it was about your poor listening skills, Ted.
Ted Mosby: What?
Marshall Eriksen: It's out of control. See?

Robin Scherbatsky: [in a thick Canadian accent] Stanley Cup. Game 6, eh? The Rangers are about to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.
Marshall: Hey, hey Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah?
Marshall: I'll give you 20 bucks if you can shoot it through this front door.
Robin Scherbatsky: [laughs] You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log. Timmy Ho!
[shoots a hockey puck]
Lily: [catches the puck] That's it Robin, give me the stick.
Robin Scherbatsky: I'll give you summer teeth. Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Oh Robin, give me the stick.
Robin Scherbatsky: Take off,
[shoves Lily]
Robin Scherbatsky: hoser.
Ted, Marshall, Barney: Woah!
Lily: That's it!
Barney: Hey, hey!
Marshall: Get her, get her!
Robin Scherbatsky: You wanna scrap, I'll scrap!
Ted: Guys, come on!
Marshall: For America!
Ted: All right, all right, break it up!
Robin Scherbatsky: Bring it on, bring it on!
Barney: Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!
[punches a hole in the wall and grunts]

Barney: [Enters the room] what the...?
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, this is an intervention
Barney: What was that?
Marshall: Enough with the old man bit!
Barney: What about the old sand pit?
Lily: Let it go!
Barney: Let it snow? Oh boy, I love that old diddy.
Ted: I'm getting my flail.
Barney: You're setting sail?

Marshall Eriksen: Whats that?
Ted Mosby: A 1986 world book encyclopædia. Just the one I grew up with.
Marshall Eriksen: An encyclopædia?
Ted Mosby: [laughing] Oh! You think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. I'ts a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopædia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune ash...
[shelf breaks and falls]
Marshall Eriksen: You know, you're gonna have to pædia for that.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Pineapple Incident (#1.10)" (2005)
Marshall: Dammit, Trudy, what about the pineapple?

Marshall: Oh, right, that's why we don't do shots.

Marshall: [after Barney pushes a shot to Ted] Interesting...
Ted: What... You want me to do a shot?
Barney: Oh no... I want you to do five shots.
Marshall: More interesting.

Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.
Marshall: Doo-doo
Barney: [chuckling] Totally


"How I Met Your Mother: Matchmaker (#1.7)" (2005)
Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily: Oh my god!
Marshall: Yeah, it had six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach!
Lily: But it also had mouse-like characteristics, grey brown tufts of fur, a tail.
Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Marshall: It's a cockamouse!
Lily: It's a whole new species, the cockamouse.
Marshall: And it's the size of a potato.
Robin: So what now, a cocka-potato-mouse?
Marshall: Don't make it sound ridiculous, it's a cockamouse.

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
Marshall: It was a mouse!
Barney Stinson: Oh, sorry, my bad, you're a man.

Lily: [about the Cockamouse] It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse... you know...
Barney: Hit the horizontal ten-legged inter-species cha-cha?
Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
Lily: Oh, but it can.
Marshall: And it has.
Lily: And it's pissed.

Robin: [after Marshall captures the Cockamouse and throws it out the window] It can fly.
Marshall, Lily: Wow.
Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious... Oh my God, it's headed this way!
[Slams the window shut]


"How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Truth (#7.2)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: This was bound to happen eventually. I've been trying so hard to suppress like my carefree idiot side that it just rebelled and came out swingin'.

Marshall Eriksen: [Drunk] Whoa, did someone say generous endowment? I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me, Beercules!

Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious?
Ted Mosby: Define serious.
Lily Aldrin: Well that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments...
Marshall Eriksen: Third base, serious at third base!

Marshall Eriksen: I wanna be the kind of man my child can look up to. So, sweeping declaration, I am never getting drunk again as long as I live.
[the rest of the gang laughs]
Marshall Eriksen: I'm serious!
Narrator: Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall had a drinking problem. But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that, you pretty much knew...
[the next day, Marshall walks in drunk]
Marshall Eriksen: I DID IT AGAIN!
Narrator: But I'm getting ahead of myself.


"How I Met Your Mother: Ducky Tie (#7.3)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: Oh, guess who I ran into
[at the Architect's Ball]
Ted Mosby: . A girl from my past. Any guesses?
Lily Aldrin: Stella.
Barney Stinson: Zoey.
Marshall Eriksen: Karen?
Lily Aldrin: The girl who beat you up.
Barney Stinson: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
Marshall Eriksen: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
Ted Mosby: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Marshall Eriksen: Let the dinnertainment begin!

Barney Stinson: [about Lily's boobs] What are you waiting for, Lil? Bust 'em out, make 'em dance!
Lily Aldrin: No!
Barney Stinson: [singing] Let your boobies show!
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, I'm sorry, pal, but the party of my wife's sweater is a private event, and I'm the bouncer, so...
Robin Scherbatsky: Dude, I think they are the bouncers.
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, can we stop talking about my wife's breasts? It's... Ted ran into Victoria!
Ted Mosby: I know, I'm-I'm still a little shaken about it, I mean, there she was after all these years, the emotions, and memories, and... Jeez, Lily, it's like you have a butt on your chest.

Ted Mosby: [Helping Victoria wash dishes] Well, this is great. You know what else is getting clean along with this cupcake tray? My conscience.
Victoria: You got anything else you need to atone for? My oven needs cleaning
Ted Mosby: No, nothing else.
[Looking at Victoria]
Ted Mosby: Not yet anyway.
Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen, Barney Stinson: [At the restaurant, singing] Bang, bang, bangity bang, I said a bang-bang-bangity...
Victoria: [Cut back] I'm getting married
Robin Scherbatsky: ...bang


"How I Met Your Mother: Do I Know You? (#4.1)" (2008)
Marshall: She's never seen Star Wars? Ted the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them Ted, that's cause they lived the Star Wars.
Ted: You've gotta calm down.
Marshall: I told you. I told you that you don't know this girl well enough. What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it?
Ted: Dude, it's just a movie.
Marshall: Ted, Star Wars is your all time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella actually likes it is really important. Its like a test of how compatible you guys are.
Ted: Marshall, its just a movie.
Marshall: Ha.
Ted: Its just a movie.
Ted: Ok, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Ted: Wanna watch it again?
Marshall: Yes I do.

Ted: Okay, so I don't know every single detail about Stella. What's this really about? Do you not like her or something?
Marshall: Oh, Ted, I like Stella a lot. She's a Mets fan and everything.
Ted: Really?

Marshall: You hated it, didn't you?
Stella Zinman: Uh, it was so stupid! Like, first of all, how do they understand that walking bear they hang around with all the time?
Marshall: Wookie.
Stella Zinman: Yeah. He goes...
[makes a few weird sounds]
Stella Zinman: ... and they're all like: "Good point, bear. Let's try that."
Marshall: Okay, he's a wookie, and his kind is actually more intelligent that they appear. Look, Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie of all time. He watches it when he's home sick with the flu. He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall. He... he watches it on Christmas Eve! Ted watches Star Wars in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. Do you really think you can pretend to like a movie that you actually hate for the rest of your life?
Stella Zinman: [pauses] Yeah.
Marshall: Well, then Ted's a lucky guy.
[Stella smiles and walks out of the room. Marshall waits a couple of seconds]
Marshall: Bear...

Barney Stinson: On a booty call you barely even have to talk. At 9:00PM you say, "Hey, babe, it's Barney. Are you busy tonight?""Sweet, see you in a half an hour, can't wait." But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. "Barney! Busy? Sweet." And by 3:00 in the morning
[Barney texts "?" random girl answers "!"]
Lily Aldrin: A question mark? You got laid off a question mark?
Barney Stinson: [Giggles until Lily hits him] OW! It's not worse than your super-obvious codewords.
Lily Aldrin: [Cut to example] Rhinoceros!
Marshall: We have to go!


"How I Met Your Mother: Third Wheel (#3.3)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: The real Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
Marshall Eriksen: British words are cool. Also, their lawyers wear wigs. I wore a wig at work once and they laughed at me.

Ted Mosby: It's a tricycle.
Barney Stinson: No way!
Marshall Eriksen: What happened?
Barney Stinson: It's a tricycle.
Marshall Eriksen: No way!
Lily Aldrin: What happened?
Marshall Eriksen: It's a tricycle.
Lily Aldrin: I'm telling you now, all sorority girls are sluts.

Ted: Alright, I'm ready. Let's hit it.
Marshall: Can't go. Tournament.
Ted: What so you mean? I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got that low maintenance, just rolled out of bed look.
Marshall: Yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Marshall Eriksen: Why wasn't I told for the belt? I can go for the belt!
[Barney, Lily and Ted laugh]
Marshall Eriksen: If Lily woulda' die before me, then I could ride tricycle!
Lily Aldrin: If I die, I would just come back and haunt your penis...


"How I Met Your Mother: Aldrin Justice (#2.6)" (2006)
Marshall Eriksen: I'm not really comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law teacher.
Barney Stinson: Who would you rather have grading your paper? A savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty?
Marshall Eriksen: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.

[in Barney's hospital room]
Professor Lewis: Mr. Eriksen, hello. Oh, I graded your paper tonight. I was
[looking at the injured Barney]
Professor Lewis: pleasantly surprised.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, she was.
Professor Lewis: B+.
Barney Stinson: B+? Marshal, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physiotherapy, I am gonna get you that A.
Marshall Eriksen: Let her go. She belongs out there. In the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar... and lived.
Barney Stinson: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides.

[after Marshal infers his professor is tough on her grades because she needs to get laid]
Barney Stinson: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't challenge you to have sex with...
Barney Stinson: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

Marshall Eriksen: My professor's like, the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.
Barney Stinson: [perking up] Really? Laid, you say?
Marshall Eriksen: You wouldn't be into her. She's, like, in her late 40s.
Barney Stinson: She hot?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah.
Barney Stinson: And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.
Robin Scherbatsky: A what?
Barney Stinson: A cougar. An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.
Ted Mosby: What's a woman in her 60s or 70s? A turtle?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Best Man (#7.1)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: [about Ted's tear-filled best man speech] This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this
[gestures to Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: beautiful lady right here is pregnant.
Kelly: [Reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!

Marshall Eriksen: The only person who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!

Lily Aldrin: [Lily is pregnant, but her and Marshall haven't told anyone yet] You're drinking for two tonight baby
Marshall Eriksen: I will do this, for the child.

Robin Scherbatsky: Lily, we are getting sloshed tonight.
Lily Aldrin: [to Robin] Yay.
[Takes shot and turns to Marshall]
Lily Aldrin: That's all you baby.
Marshall Eriksen: No, I'll be four shots in with no food.
Lily Aldrin: In nine months I'll be pushing a pumpkin-headed Eriksen baby out of my who-ha; I think papa can manage a few extra cocktails.
Marshall Eriksen: Well played.


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Words (#6.14)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: Hey you were right. The Kangs did in fact have an umbrella.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Of course they did.

Marshall Eriksen: Wait! I'm wrong! I'm wrong! That wasn't it! They couldn't find a cab. So my dad called up from the street.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Hey! Marshall! Marshall! Looks like rain out here! I-I couldn't find an umbrella in your closet! You know who probably has an umbrella?
Marshall Eriksen: And then... well see my dad grew up in a small town in another generation. So sometimes, totally well meaningly he'd say stuff like...
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: The Koreans across the hall! The Koreans are trustworthy and generous people.!
Marshall Eriksen: Dad?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: I bet one of the Koreans have an umbrella! Heck! They're Koreans!
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: My dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes.

Marshall Eriksen: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher. And he was my best friend. He always came through for me, and now he's just gone. And what am I left with?
[Plays static message and yells at the sky]
Marshall Eriksen: Thanks a lot God, thank you. You took my father. The greatest man that I have ever known, and you whipped him off this Earth, way too young. And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we've got this voice mail. Thank you so much for the voice mail, it's a great comfort. Because whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least I've got the sound of his pocket to console me. How is this fair? You've got an entire human life, and it just ends for no reason. And what are we left with?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: [Over the voice mail message] Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for over five minutes. How's my pocket sound? Sorry about that buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you.


"How I Met Your Mother: Good Crazy (#7.22)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: Hope Lily's okay.
Barney Stinson: Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.
Marshall Eriksen: Motion denied.
Barney Stinson: Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I... will wear this.
[shows Ducky Tie]
Marshall Eriksen: [In awe] The... the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away!
Barney Stinson: I did... it came back.

Marshall Eriksen: [to waitress] Excuse me miss, when you get the chance can you bring me 100 shots of tequila please?
Barney Stinson: I'll have the same.

Marshall Eriksen: So there's no baby boot camp at the Paramus Waldorf?
[Barney shakes his head]
Marshall Eriksen: Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?
Barney Stinson: [gives him a weird look] Bro.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Scorpion and the Toad (#2.2)" (2006)
Barney Stinson: Being a bachelor in New York is like... what's something that everyone likes?
Marshall Eriksen: Candy?
Barney Stinson: Yes. It's like being in a candy store, and all you have to do is grab a couple of Whoppers. Is Whoppers the best one?
Ted Mosby: Mounds?
Barney Stinson: Nah.
Marshall Eriksen: Milk Duds?
Barney Stinson: Nah.
Ted Mosby: Gobstoppers?
Barney Stinson: Um...
Older Ted Mosby: This went on for hours, so I'll skip right to the end.
Ted Mosby: Double Bubble?
Barney Stinson: Nice!

Marshall Eriksen: You said being single would be like a candy store.
Barney Stinson: I lied. Being single is like a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it's every man for himself. After nine years of captivity, that is my greatest lesson to you.

Barney Stinson: Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl.
Marshall Eriksen: You went home with her!
Barney Stinson: Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me you would've had a shot with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five!
[Stares at Marshall for a minute]
Barney Stinson: Nice!


"How I Met Your Mother: Miracles (#3.20)" (2008)
Robin Scherbatsky: A pencil going up Barney's nose is not a miracle.
Marshall Eriksen: Then what other explanation do you have?
Robin Scherbatsky: Uh... a drunken fool with a box full of pencils?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, a drunken fool called God, and a box of pencils called Destiny!

Marshall Eriksen: God sent those lice to my head like he sent the locust to Egypt: to liberate me from corporate bondage. Miracle!

Barney Stinson: Ted, can we be friends again?
Ted Mosby: Barney, come on. We're more then friends. We're brothers.
[Both start crying]
Barney Stinson: You're my brother, Ted.
Ted Mosby: You're my brother, Barney.
Barney Stinson: Did you hear that, Marshall? We're brothers now!
Marshall Eriksen: We're all brothers.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, but I'm your best brother, right?


"How I Met Your Mother: Hopeless (#6.21)" (2011)
Jerry Whitaker: So, Saturday night? Time to cut loose, right? Who wants to split a beer?
Barney Stinson: Oh, we're not drinking here. Tonight, we're going big. Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's club Was, there's Wrong...
Marshall Eriksen: Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney Stinson: Oh no...
Marshall Eriksen: Oh No shut down too.
Ted Mosby: There's Where.
Jerry Whitaker: Where's Where?
Lily Aldrin: Where's where Was was, isn't it?
Barney Stinson: No, Was wasn't where Where was, Was was where Wrong was, right?
Jerry Whitaker: Ok...
Ted Mosby: Not OK, that place is lame.
Robin Scherbatsky: OK is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar... or is that wrong?
Marshall Eriksen: That's Wrong. That's not wrong.
Barney Stinson: Guys, focus.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, I like Focus! Let's go there.
Ted Mosby: Where?
Robin Scherbatsky: Not Where. Focus!
Lily Aldrin: I thought Focus was closed.
Barney Stinson: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it re-opened as Closed.
Marshall Eriksen: So Closed is open.
Robin Scherbatsky: No, Closed is closed.
Jerry Whitaker: I don't know! 3rd base, right?

Marshall Eriksen: Game on! If I can score five numbers before you can, then we have sex in the bathroom but, if you can score five numbers before me, then we have sex in the bathroom.
Lily Aldrin: So our usual wager. Deal!

Ted Mosby: How's the open marriage going? Who was the first to get to five numbers?
Lily Aldrin: I won that race. My prize, sex in the bathroom.
Marshall Eriksen: And I won that race!


"How I Met Your Mother: As Fast as She Can (#4.23)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.
Barney Stinson: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it.
Robin Scherbatsky: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats.
Marshall Eriksen: That is...
Barney Stinson: A big, fat check!
Ted Mosby: Yeah, he didn't write me a check.

Marshall Eriksen: Are you kidding me? Robin is a pretty girl. Pretty girls don't get tickets. Bet Robin been pulled over thousand of times and not once getting a ticket.
Robin Scherbatsky: That is outrageous!... and factual.

Robin Scherbatsky: [after Barney's story of how a female officer stripped for him] No, false! Did not happen!
Marshall Eriksen: That was a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
Barney Stinson: When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is that my life has better lighting?


"How I Met Your Mother: Bagpipes (#5.6)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: Lily fights dirty. She's small but vicious, like a badger that your brother starved for four days and then put in your sleeping bag.

Robin Scherbatsky: So what if we're not the best couple in the world?
Barney Stinson: Yeah. It's not like it's a competition.
[Meanwhile, in Lily and Marshall's appartment]
Lily Aldrin: We win!
Marshall Eriksen: [Pops open bottle of champagne] Best couple in the world!

Barney Stinson: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall Eriksen: Awww, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you can play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews Band on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer footrub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but... thanks for your concern, rook'.


"How I Met Your Mother: Something Blue (#2.22)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: I had four strawberries.
Ted Mosby: Was there a side of champagne with each of those strawberries?
Lily Aldrin: [burping] Yes!
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, you could have burped, or said the word yes, but the fact that you did both is exactly why I married you.

Barney: Ladies and Gentlemen- for the first time ever, Marshall Eriksen and Lily Aldrin!
Lily: Does it make you kinda sad that we don't share the same last name?
Marshall: You know- in a totally evolved, 21st century kinda way, yeah, a little.
Lily: You know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy- Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: I got it! You ready? You ready? Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son Totally, and their daughter Freakin'?
Lily: [laughs] I love you, Mr. Awesome.
Marshall: I love you, Mrs. Awesome.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Stinson! Never lie to a man about a chocolate fountain!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Mermaid Theory (#6.11)" (2010)
Ted Mosby: Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily Aldrin: Sorry, I'm ummmm... I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall Eriksen: Running the water.
Robin Scherbatsky: Holding the towel.
Barney Stinson: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

Barney Stinson: Told yah, The Mermaid Theory, it's a thing. You owe me five hundred bucks.
Marshall Eriksen: Did we bet on this?
Barney Stinson: Let's say yes.

Robin Scherbatsky: Right, Marsh Madness?
Marshall Eriksen: No doubt, Robo Cop.
Lily Aldrin: You two never hang out alone. You just made up those names right now!


"How I Met Your Mother: Wait for It (#3.1)" (2007)
Gael: Gael.
Ted Mosby: I'm sorry. Gayle?
Gael: Gael.
Barney Stinson: Kyle?
Gael: Gael.
Marshall Eriksen: ...Girl?
Robin Scherbatsky: It's pronounced Guy-el.

Lily Aldrin: [about Robin and Gael] I mean, she isn't serious about him. The girl never marries the hot guy.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, you did.
Lily Aldrin: [pause] I'm one of the lucky few.

Marshall Eriksen: Gael, are you properly licensed massage therapist?
Gael: What?
Marshall Eriksen: Are you legally certified by some type of governing entity?
Gael: I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires. I have a card. I can show you.
Marshall Eriksen: Is the card laminated?
Gael: What do you mean "laminated"?
Marshall Eriksen: Covered in protective plastic.
Gael: Oh, yes.
Marshall Eriksen: Damn it!
[to Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: He checks out...


"How I Met Your Mother: Columns (#2.13)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh wow, a new dart!
Ted Mosby: Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin Scherbatsky: I did not know you were such a fan of "new dart", Barney!
Barney Stinson: Oh yes, Robyn, I just love "nude art"..."nude art"
Barney Stinson: [after an awkward stare from Marshall] "nude art"!
[laughs]
Marshall Eriksen: You found the painting, didn't you?

Carl: Hey Marshall, what are you having?
Marshall Eriksen: What I'll have, oh I don't know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!
Carl: Oh, I'm sorry. That painting is property of the bar.
Marshall Eriksen: I know that Barney gave you that painting!
Carl: I don't know what you're talking about...
Marshall Eriksen: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall Eriksen: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you that plus ten bucks!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall Eriksen: Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!
Carl: [Beat] I doubt it.

Lily Aldrin: [about Marshall's nude painting] I knew this day would come.
Marshall Eriksen: How did you know that?
Lily Aldrin: Because I didn't hide it very well.


"How I Met Your Mother: Best Prom Ever (#1.20)" (2006)
[Lily finds out she can't go into a high school's prom to see a band that she might hire for her wedding]
Barney: No sweat. We'll just sneak in.
Marshall Eriksen: We're not sneaking into a high school prom.
Lily: Yes, we are, it's the only way.
Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped.
Lily: It's 9 weeks till the wedding. At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.
Barney: Well...
Lily: No, Barney.

Marshall Eriksen: It is on. It is on! Like the former Soviet Republic of Azerbaijan.

Lily: Crap! Band! We forgot a band! It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing.
Marshall Eriksen: Shh! Shh! Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88!
Lily: Who?
Marshall Eriksen: The 88. They're this awesome band. They played my law review party. They were found guilty. On three counts of rocking.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Fight (#4.10)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: There is no reason to fight, unless it's with lightsabers, and that's about three or four years away.
Robin Scherbatsky: That's impossible.
Marshall Eriksen: I've been reading all the forums, it's happening. Five years from now, I'm slicing the Thanksgiving turkey with Old Green.
[Makes lightsaber sounds]

Marshall Eriksen: Ted couldn't fight. Look at him. He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight.
Ted Mosby: Well, maybe more than five...
Marshall Eriksen: He's got the muscle definition of linguini.
Ted Mosby: Well, maybe linguini with meatballs. Check this out.
[Poses]
Marshall Eriksen: Ted, don't.

Marshall Eriksen: You know what, Doug, I will gladly pay. And you know why? Cause that's what grown-ups do! They pay for their drinks and they don't get into fights. You know what I was doing while you guys were out there being immature? I tell you what I was doing...
Barney Stinson: -your nails?
Marshall Eriksen: Hahaha, no. I was doing...
Ted Mosby: -a relationship-quiz in this month's Cosmo?
Marshall Eriksen: NO, I was doing...
Barney Stinson: Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the City movie?


"How I Met Your Mother: Duel Citizenship (#5.5)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for Gazzola's pizza.
Ted Mosby: 2 hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.
Marshall Eriksen: Man, those Gazzola trips, that's... that's when we really became bros.
Ted Mosby: We ate nothing but jerky.
Marshall Eriksen: Drank nothing but Tantrum.
Narrator: Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content legally available over the counter. It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA.
[Shows ratss on tantrum in a cage. The rats are very hyper. One rat literally explodes]
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip.
Ted Mosby: I was color blind for two weeks after that.
Marshall Eriksen: I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.

Ted Mosby: Marshall and I haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "We".
Barney Stinson: What do you mean?
Ted Mosby: Think about it.
Ted Mosby: [Flashback] Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing?
Marshall Eriksen: [With Lily] We're doing great.
Ted Mosby: Do you watch the Jets game?
Marshall Eriksen: We most certainly did.
Ted Mosby: How'd things go at the doctor?
Marshall Eriksen: We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.

Miss Cruickshank: Crumpet Manor is listed in the American Registry of Historic Bed and Breakfasts. Our door is opened on Christmas day, 1881. And we have catered to couples ever since.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right?
Miss Cruickshank: Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation.
[to Ted]
Miss Cruickshank: Do you enjoy sitting on a bench?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Best Burger in New York (#4.2)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: Just a Burger? Just a burger. Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean... that first bite-oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a... a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us in food.

Ted, Barney, Lily: [All take bite from burger] Mmmmmmm
Lily: Oh my God! this burger is so good, it's like Christmas in my mouth. Meat Christmas!
Ted: It's like an angel from Heaven landed at the kitchen at MacLaren's. Or the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.
Barney: I love this burger so much, I wanna sew my ass shut.
Marshall: [Disappointed] It's okay.
Ted, Barney, Lily: [All, except Marhsall] What?

Lily: I wanna get tiny fitted sheets for this burger and just crawl into this bun, and get all cozy and die there.
Robin: Oh, my God, I just want you inside of me.
Barney: This feels so good! I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant.
Marshall: If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies.


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Cigarette Ever (#5.11)" (2009)
Barney Stinson: Remember when we could smoke inside bars?
[Flashback: the bar is so full of smoke it's hard to see anything]
Ted Mosby: I think that woman over there is looking at me.
Barney Stinson: That's a chair, but go ahead, hit that.
Marshall Eriksen: [Unseen] Hey guys? Where are you? Marco!
Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson: Polo!

Marshall Eriksen: He fired what's his face, Ted! And what's his face was invaluable!
Ted Mosby: Look I can understand you getting upset, but it's not worth killing yourself over.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, wait till you get laid off then kill yourself, like what's his face. Although, I guess now it's more like... where's his face...

Robin Scherbatsky: If I can't even get my best friends to watch, who's gonna watch?
Marshall Eriksen: Lots of people! You've got bed ridden insomniacs, bums camping outside a department store, people waiting in the ER, where the TV is in a cage so you can't change the channel...
Lily Aldrin: Oh, do you have any stalkers?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah. But even Leonard won't watch the show.


"How I Met Your Mother: Canning Randy (#6.7)" (2010)
GNB's ad voiceover: [Goliath National Bank's ad] What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.
Barney Stinson: [holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth.
[puts in spent soft drink can]
Randy Wharmpess: [opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.
Arthur Hobbs: I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat?
[plays with dog]
Marshall Eriksen: [at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

Marshall Eriksen: This just isn't working out.
Randy Wharmpess: [Thinking] I'm fired, great. This is the candle kiosk at the mall all over again. Wait a minute... I get a severance check! If I don't shred it, I can use that money to start my own brewery! Imagine a beer with my name on it! Randy Wharmpess, this is the best day of your life!

Randy Wharmpess: Okay, you win. Maybe trashing your office was a mistake. It's just, as along as I can remember, making beer has been my dream.
[Pulls out a beer]
Randy Wharmpess: Wharmpess?
[Marshall takes it]
Randy Wharmpess: I know it sounds dumb to someone who's already achieved his dream. Big time lawyer at a huge corporation.
Marshall Eriksen: You think working here is my dream?
Randy Wharmpess: Of course. Anyway, I'll clean this stuff up, have someone get that dead squirrel out of your desk.
Marshall Eriksen: Randy... This is delicious. You're fired


"How I Met Your Mother: World's Greatest Couple (#2.5)" (2006)
Marshall Eriksen: Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?
Ted Mosby: Because brunch is kind of...
Robin Scherbatsky: ...Girlie.
Marshall Eriksen: Girlie? Breakfast isn't girlie, lunch isn't girlie, what makes brunch girlie?
Ted Mosby: I don't know... nothing girlie about a horse, nothing girlie about a horn... but put them together and you get a unicorn.

Marshall Eriksen: This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch!
Ted Mosby: Well, I guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you don't think I've tried?
Marshall Eriksen: [FLASHBACK] Table for one.
Host: One... Couple?
Marshall Eriksen: Um, no, just me.
Host: Really? For brunch?
Marshall Eriksen: You're right. Who am I kidding?
[Leaves restaurant. End of Flashback]
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, the Popover Pantry! That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?
Ted Mosby: Of course, sweetie.
Marshall Eriksen: Can I go with you guys?
Ted Mosby: Really? For brunch?

Ted Mosby: [Marshall and Brad are going to a musical together] Mamma mia?
Marshall Eriksen: Mamma mia!. You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay? It won all sorts of Tonies and stuff.
Ted Mosby: No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date.
Robin Scherbatsky: Ooh, third date. You know what that means.
Marshall Eriksen: It is not a date,okay! It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show.
Ted Mosby: You bros going to get dinner beforehand?
Marshall Eriksen: We might grab a steak, yeah.
Ted Mosby: Where at?
Marshall Eriksen: [Embarrassed] Café l'amour.
[Ted and Robin laugh]
Marshall Eriksen: Brad says the food is really good there, okay?
Robin Scherbatsky: Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out. You better bring your "A" game. That means no granny panties.
Marshall Eriksen: All right, you know what? You two are just threatened because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' stuff. Well, guess what? It's my territory now. I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. That's right. Brad and I are taking back Broadway.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Rough Patch (#5.7)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: If they can't stand each other, why don't they end it?
Ted Mosby: Neither one wants to be first. They're playing relationship chicken.
Marshall Eriksen: I think Barney ate the relationship chicken.

Marshall Eriksen: So what did you get?
Lily Aldrin: I got Squat.
Marshall Eriksen: But I saw you take one.
Lily Aldrin: I did. It's called "Squat".

Pizza Guy: Somebody ordered an extra large sausage?
Ted Mosby: Hey, one of Barney's videos starts off just like that.
Marshall Eriksen: Hey, guys, Barney's ordering... five of something.
Pizza Guy: [about his pizza being too large for the station wagon] I don't know if it's gonna fit in here.
Ted Mosby: Okay, now you're just quoting the video.


"How I Met Your Mother: Drumroll, Please (#1.13)" (2006)
Marshall: Ted, how do I explain this to you. Last night, I ate the best cake of my life. Do you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life? Hell no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and I'm gonna get some more cake.
Ted: That cake really got to you?
Marshall: It haunts me.

Marshall: Maybe she was a ghost. That's why she didn't want to kiss you because you past right through her and get really cold for a second. Oh my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.
Ted: Marshall, she was not a ghost.
Marshall: I know she wasn't a ghost. She picked up a bouquet proving she had corporeal form.

[to Marshall, Ted explains that he and Victoria didn't have a first kiss because the lead-up to it, i.e. the drum roll, is the best part]
Marshall: A drum roll? That's it? So what? You just... You said good night, came home, and performed a drum solo?


"How I Met Your Mother: Unfinished (#6.3)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: [Ted has decided not to take GNB's offer to design the headquarters again] But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
Ted Mosby: I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...
Ted Mosby: For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
Marshall Eriksen: ...But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan... with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

Ted Mosby: Barney wants me to take the job so bad he's putting the moves on me?
Marshall Eriksen: I hope that's his endgame. Actually, I don't. I like you two together!

Barney Stinson: [about to hit on a random woman] Hi. I'm Barney Stinson.
Marshall Eriksen: And I'm Marshall, Barney's wingman.


"How I Met Your Mother: Doppelgangers (#5.24)" (2010)
Barney Stinson: [Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
[Barney opens their door]
Barney Stinson: You guys bangin'?
Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen: Whaaaaaa!
Barney Stinson: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted Mosby: [Enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here.
[Marshall and Lily scream]
Ted Mosby: Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up.
Robin Scherbatsky: [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again] This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010.
[Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

Marshall Eriksen: But you were the fifth doppelganger! How can you be... you? I called you, we had a whole conversation, Barney, what happened?
Barney Stinson: Ah, yes. I know what happened. People at work have this very strange expectation that I, well, work. I know, I know. So to make my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks, I decided to record a special recording.
Marshall Eriksen: How can it be a recording, you called me Big Chief, my special workplace nickname?
Barney Stinson: Oh, buddy.

Marshall Eriksen: Ted, I love you buddy, but there is no way you can pull off blonde.
Lily Aldrin: Seriously, Ted, don't do it
Ted Mosby: I'm going blonde!
Marshall Eriksen: That is NOT the outcome we were hoping for.


"How I Met Your Mother: Oh Honey (#6.15)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: We hate Ted now. Get on board or the sexting stops!
Marshall Eriksen: Ted's a son of a bitch!

Judy Eriksen: [Ted is trying to narrate his story to Marshall over the phone about him dropping Zoey as a friend, however Marshall's mother is listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?
Marshall Eriksen: Mom, get off the phone!
Marcus Eriksen: [from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?
Judy Eriksen: Of course, dear.
Marshall Eriksen: Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.

Honey: My apartment building is so safe. My landlord even installed a security camera in my shower.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, honey...
Honey: Maybe I should feel weird about giving a stranger my Social Security Number, but the guy's a Nigerian prince!
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, honey...
Honey: I just had a great TV audition... behind the KFC where the executive producer works on the weekend.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, honey...


"How I Met Your Mother: The Stamp Tramp (#8.7)" (2012)
Barney Stinson: [Barney does his own version of LeBron James' Decision Special] Man, this whole free agent experience... it's been an unbelievable experience... a real, humbling experience. First all, the Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game.
[looks at strippers]
Barney Stinson: I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks...
Ted Mosby: [to Marshall] Let's just go stay at the Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart, I bet you he rewards that.
Marshall Eriksen: LeBron moved on Ted, so should you.
Barney Stinson: ...but Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough, um, in this fall, I'm going to take my talents... to Mouth Beach!
[Cheers]

Ted Mosby: Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from your third date with Lily. How was it?
Marshall Eriksen: Great. Yeah. I just... I think I'm falling for this girl. Pretty hard. But isn't everything happening too fast? I mean, maybe I should see other people.
Ted Mosby: No, dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special. You hold on to that girl!
Marshall Eriksen: She is. But I'm only 18 and...
Ted Mosby: Marshall. You being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means that you get to spend more of your life with her. I mean, I'm probably not gonna meet my wife until I'm, like... 23!

Brad Morris: I got fired from Bed, Bath, and Beyond for telling inappropriate jokes. I mean, get a sense of humor, LaShawda. You know how they are.
Marshall Eriksen: "They" meaning Bed, Bath, and Beyond employees, right?
Brad Morris: Nah. Women.
Marshall Eriksen: That still could've been worse.


"How I Met Your Mother: P.S. I Love You (#8.15)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: But here's the thing about Ted Mosby: he doesn't give up!
Lily Aldrin: Stalker Ted alert! Repeat, stalker Ted alert!
[Ted picks up a yellow legal pad]
Marshall Eriksen: Already has a yellow legal pad going! Repeat, already has a yellow legal pad going!

Ted Mosby: Hold on! I'm beginning to think that you guys didn't come here to see my new lectern! Are you implying Jeanette started a fire?
Marshall Eriksen: Dahmer!
Ted Mosby: Dobler! She's John Cusack, I'm Ione Skye, and there's nothing weird about that!

Marshall Eriksen: She set a fire, Ted! Dahmer!
Ted Mosby: You're just jealous 'cause Lily never burned anything for you!
Marshall Eriksen: Clearly, you never tried her pot roast.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Autumn of Breakups (#8.5)" (2012)
Ted Mosby: [about Victoria] Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?
Marshall Eriksen: Men! It's like if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?
Lily Aldrin: Mmhm!

Ted Mosby: Victoria is happy we're taking things slow.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh oh honey sweetie baby. No thirty-two year old woman is happy taking things slow. Trust me, Victoria has got friends from high school posting pictures of second babies on Facebook and you think girlfriend's all like, oh lets just bone a bunch so I'm another year older and still single? Bitch please!

Lily Aldrin: [Explaining Marshall's new "sassy" persona] Look Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.
Marshall Eriksen: My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise, that there is no possible response other than "Mm" or *Mmhm*. And if this is a place where we can share our dreams, I like to think that it is, I hope someday, to earn a... *testify*!


"How I Met Your Mother: Not a Father's Day (#4.7)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: So, how's the job hunt going?
Robin Scherbatsky: Didn't you hear? I got a job at CNN this morning. And I moved to a penthouse made of gold overlooking Central Park. Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.

[after Robin runs screaming out of the room]
Marshall Eriksen: Talking baby commercial?
Ted Mosby: Talking baby commercial.

Marshall Eriksen: [On the phone] Hey, babe. It's breakfast time in China.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah it is.
Marshall Eriksen: Not a euphemism. Look, I... wait... what would that even mean?
Lily Aldrin: I don't know. Hot buns, spicy pork, there's something there. You're not coming home tonight are you?
Marshall Eriksen: [shakes his head]
Lily Aldrin: Are you shaking your head no?
Marshall Eriksen: [Nods]
Lily Aldrin: I thought so.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Front Porch (#4.17)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: Ted, that woman is a douche.
Ted Mosby: Thanks for sugar coating it, dude.
Marshall Eriksen: Actually, "douche" is sugar coating it.

Marshall Eriksen: [Giving reasons for wearing a nightshirt] One: I don't have to wear anything underneath.
Ted Mosby: I can vouch for that. Could you please cross your legs, buddy?
Marshall Eriksen: Two: it's sexy.
Lily Aldrin: I can vouch for that. Could you please uncross your legs, honey?

Karen: Lily came by and explained everything. And she gave me this note for you.
[gives Ted the note. Ted opens it]
Lily Aldrin: [voice over] Ted, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter to me who you marry. I know they'll be awesome, because they'll think you are. To show you I mean it, I put together a little surprise for you and Karen upstairs. Love, Lily.
Marshall Eriksen: [voice over] P.S. Sorry the envelope was already open. I had to read what she wrote. Marshall.


"How I Met Your Mother: Bachelor Party (#2.19)" (2007)
Marshall Eriksen: It's my bachelor party. We're not having strippers.
Barney: Ahhhh, he thinks he has a say in it. So, strippers it is!

Marshall Eriksen: [watching videos that Barney brought for the bachelor party] Whoa, Morgan Freeman? He really is in everything.
Barney: Oh, damn. I grabbed the wrong "Deep Impact".

Marshall Eriksen: [after the stripper breaks her ankle] Now we'll have to spend my bachelor party in the hospital.
Barney: Then we'll see her X-rays. The ultimate stripping. X-rays? More like triple-X-rays.


"How I Met Your Mother: Cleaning House (#6.2)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: Milk and lutefisk? Doesn't Santa get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, 'cause that's what Santa needs at 3:00 AM while battling a snowstorm over the Rockies: a sugar crash. Santa needs protein.

Lily Aldrin: [Seeing James and Sam hug] This must be so hard for Barney.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, but he took a big step today.
Barney Stinson: Papa!
[Hugs James and Sam]
Marshall Eriksen: Uh-oh.

Barney Stinson: My mother is selling the house I grew up in. All of my childhood memories. Gone! Just like that.
Ted Mosby: It sucks. I've been there, buddy.
Marshall Eriksen: What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.
Ted Mosby: With her new hippie husband, Clint. The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room into something I'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. With all the bamboo, pot smoking and '60s music, it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra (#9.14)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: If you're really nervous, don't think of it as a slap. Think of it as a high five... for your stupid face.

Marshall Eriksen: Which mountain?
Lily Aldrin: No, not Witch Mountain. Slap Mountain.


"How I Met Your Mother: Dowisetrepla (#3.7)" (2007)
Marshall Eriksen: Baby, real estate is always a sound investment.
Narrator: It's not.
Marshall Eriksen: And the market is really hot right now.
Narrator: It wasn't.
Marshall Eriksen: And because of my new job, we're in a good place finacially.
Narrator: They weren't, because Lily had a secret.
Lily Aldrin: Hi, I'm Lily, and I'm a shopaholic.

Marshall Eriksen: I'm going to stop you right there. Don't bother with the hard sell. We can't afford this place just now, and besides, we just started looking.
Narrator: Is what Marshall should have said.
Marshall Eriksen: I'm going to stop you right there. I love it! We'll take it!


"How I Met Your Mother: Showdown (#2.20)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: So you and Lily really think you can spend two weeks apart?
Marshall Eriksen: Y'know Barney, Lily and I are a lot less cheesy than you make us out to be.
Lily Aldrin: Hey Marshmallow, don't forget to pack my night-night tape.
Barney Stinson: Night-night tape? Did you make a tape of you saying "night-night" to her?
Lily Aldrin: He doesn't say it. He sings it.
Barney Stinson: Oh, that is so sweet! Why don't you kiss, I love it when two chicks make out.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Lil.
Lily Aldrin: Hey.
Ted Mosby: "Hey"? That's it?
Marshall Eriksen: What are you talking about?
Ted Mosby: Well, you guys have been spending the last few nights apart. I thought there'd be a lot of giggling and crying, jumping up and down... and then whatever Lily would do.


"How I Met Your Mother: Challenge Accepted (#6.24)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall has arrived home from his job interview] Hey baby, how'd it go?
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
Lily Aldrin: Baby, come here.
Marshall Eriksen: I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down]
Narrator: And Marshall slept...
[the set darkens and then lights up again]
Narrator: All night.
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room] Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
Lily Aldrin: I know, baby.
[reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands]
Lily Aldrin: ... I'm pregnant.

Marshall Eriksen: A man can do a lot of living in three hours.


"How I Met Your Mother: We're Not from Here (#3.2)" (2007)
Marshall: If I die under suspicious circumstances, beware. Trust no one, not even Ted.
[pause]
Marshall: Especially Ted.

Marshall: I am such a jerk.
Barney: Yeah. Wait, why?


"How I Met Your Mother: Ten Sessions (#3.13)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: You do magic, how is juggling any lamer than magic?
Barney Stinson: Magic's not lame...
[shouts]
Barney Stinson: The flame!
[sparks come out of his sleeves, scares everyone]
Marshall Eriksen: [Startled] Ahh
Lily Aldrin: Barney no, no. We said no fire balls at the table.
Marshall Eriksen: What the hell is wrong with you?
Robin Scherbatsky: There's alcohol in here!
Barney Stinson: But... I...
Wendy: Barney, we've talked about this. It's a fire code violation.
Barney Stinson: Yea, but Ted provoked me.
Lily Aldrin: No no, you are in a time out now. Go sit over there.
Barney Stinson: But...
Lily Aldrin: Go.
[Barney moves one booth back, still facing the camera and still to the right of Robin]

Lily Aldrin: It can't be easy to woo someone while you're sticking your naked butt in their face.
Marshall Eriksen: Works for baboons. It's called "presenting".


"How I Met Your Mother: The Over-Correction (#8.10)" (2012)
Ted Mosby: Barney, or should I say Borrowney?
Marshall Eriksen: You should never say that.

Barney Stinson: [the gang talks at MacLaren's over Marshall and Lily's parents hooking up] I think you should be happy for them.
Marshall Eriksen: What? But why? What is good about this?
Barney Stinson: Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece - she's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. Secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes, you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
Lily Aldrin: I guess none of us ever thought of it that way.
Barney Stinson: Next round's on me.
[Gang stares at Barney in wonder]


"How I Met Your Mother: Say Cheese (#5.18)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake] 42nd? Does this
[gestures to Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
Lily Aldrin: No Marshall, it's okay.
Marshall Eriksen: No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
Amanda: I'm so sorry...
Marshall Eriksen: OUT!
[points thumb at door]

Marshall Eriksen: Ted, you were supposed to bring a cheesecake, but instead you bring two grocery bags and a woman we've never seen before.


"How I Met Your Mother: Vesuvius (#9.19)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: What, so this is gonna be, like, a thing now?
Barney Stinson: Yeah, It's gonna be a thing now, Narshall. Right? Narshall.
Ted Mosby: Dude, settle down, Swarley.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah. Yeah, Swarlize Theron, take it easy.
Barney Stinson: Man, this was supposed to be my special day.

Lily Aldrin: Ted's leaving for Chicag...
Ted Mosby: [pointing at Barney] Wait, you already know.
Ted Mosby: [pointing at Robin] You already know.
Ted Mosby: [pointing at Marshall] You're married to Lily, which means...
Marshall Eriksen: She pocket-texted me while you were telling her.


"How I Met Your Mother: Natural History (#6.8)" (2010)
College Marshall Eriksen: [Lily sees a College Marshall exhibit and she asks College Marshall to return to her] You can't have me. Look at the sign.
[Lily sees EXTINCT tag at exhibit signage]
College Marshall Eriksen: I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.
Lily Aldrin: Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.
College Marshall Eriksen: They did?
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, they've done a few tours, they've put out a new album.
College Marshall Eriksen: Are you serious? That is awesome! Are they just as good?
Lily Aldrin: [pause] Sure.

Lily Aldrin: [Marshall explains he technically didn't lie to Lily, since he responded with made-up words] So you'll probably quit GNB in a couple of years, right?
Marshall Eriksen: Affirmatootly.
Lily Aldrin: And become an environmental lawyer?
Marshall Eriksen: Yepskerdoodles.
Lily Aldrin: By the way, do you like this scarf?
Marshall Eriksen: Posititoachidoachmecoachipapoachey.


"How I Met Your Mother: Ring Up! (#8.14)" (2013)
Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin laments to Lily and Marshall not being able to get any freebies because of her being engaged] You know what, I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. This gross guy, brushed against my rack, and then apologized - and I think he really really meant it.
Lily Aldrin: Sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.
Marshall Eriksen: It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see.
[looks at Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: I see her brightly, and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love... and possibly alcohol mixed with some very powerful antibiotics.
Lily Aldrin: And that's how Barney sees you - and I know that's how you see Barney.

Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God, Ted! Your wrist.
Ted Mosby: [looking at his wrist without the leather cuff] Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen, I must've strained it by lifting.
Barney Stinson: I believe our dear friend Lily was referring to your other wrist. The one wearing the male birth control.
Robin Scherbatsky: I was gonna go with chastity bracelet.
Barney Stinson: God, is it possible to love you more?
[Barney and Robin kiss]
Ted Mosby: Really? I just saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, you know what, guys, leave him alone. He is a hero.
Ted Mosby: Thank you!
Marshall Eriksen: [pauses] You think your super strength came from wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff?


"How I Met Your Mother: Desperation Day (#6.16)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help] Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall Eriksen: [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily Aldrin: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall Eriksen: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily Aldrin: Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...
Ted Mosby: [Surprised] You have Super Mario Kart?
Marshall Eriksen: Hell, yeah.
[points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily Aldrin: ...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Marshall Eriksen: Baby, don't go.
Lily Aldrin: [kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

Marshall Eriksen: I miss my dad, Ted... I miss him so much.
Ted Mosby: I know.
Marshall Eriksen: When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. And every year we wouldn't get in the cabin till the middle of the night. And so, it'd be pitch black in the middle of the woods. I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe... cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero that could just see way out into the darkness... and now he's just gone, and it's pitch black. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything...


"How I Met Your Mother: Murtaugh (#4.19)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: Kenny, there is a teen-wolf on the court! That can't be legal!

Marshall Eriksen: How is that not travelling Kenny? You're killing me! You're absolutely killing me!


"How I Met Your Mother: I'm Not That Guy (#3.6)" (2007)
Jeff Coatsworth: Do you know what Kobe beef is?
Marshall Eriksen: The most expensive beef in the world.
Jeff Coatsworth: The place I'm taking you has Kobe lobster. That's lobster that is fed on Kobe beef.

Jeff Coatsworth: Before you say anything, come take a ride with me in this awesome limo.
Marshall Eriksen: Where are we going?
Jeff Coatsworth: [Shrugs] Tuckahoe Funland.
Marshall Eriksen: I'm sorry. It sounded like you said Tuckahoe Funland, The magic factory where dreams are made.


"How I Met Your Mother: Single Stamina (#2.10)" (2006)
Older Ted: In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep in couple hibernation mode. Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold.
Barney: [Entering the apartment] Okay. All-night rave, abandoned tire factory in Newark. We're on the list. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Robin Scherbatsky: No.
Barney: [Another time] Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Lily, Robin Scherbatsky, Marshall Eriksen: No, thanks.
Barney: [And again] One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in?
Marshall Eriksen: Shh... Lily went sleepy-bye.

Marshall Eriksen: Last time James was in town, Barney got slapped once, lucky twice, and... whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in?
James: Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. But I will say this: way more back hair than any guy who can afford laser hair removal should have.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Slutty Pumpkin (#1.6)" (2005)
Ted Mosby: I just met the perfect woman. She's funny, she's beautiful, she loves "Star Wars"...
Marshall Eriksen: Woah woah woah, what's her take on Ewoks?
Ted Mosby: Loves them!
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, good. I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks, the Rebellion would have failed without the Ewoks.
Ted Mosby: And get this: She's a marine biologist, she spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, penguins are cool. Kinda like black-and-white Ewoks. I approve.

Lily Aldrin: [dressed as a parrot] All right, Polly gotta pee.
Marshall Eriksen: Again?
[starts following her to the bathroom]
Ted Mosby: Where are you going?
Marshall Eriksen: It's... an elaborate costume.


"How I Met Your Mother: How Lily Stole Christmas (#2.11)" (2006)
Marshall Eriksen: [During his break-up with Lily] Yeah. No, you're right. Lily would laugh at anything.
Barney: She'd give it up for a bad pun. I'm telling you, she's a laugh slut.
Ted: Remember that time we heard her laughing and we thought she was watching Weekend At Bernie's, but it turned out she was watching Weekend At Bernie's *2*?
Barney: And her art? "I'm Lily, I'm an artist." She doesn't even own a beret.

Ted: Decorations, is that really what Christmas is about?
Marshall Eriksen: Hell, yeah! What else would it be about?
Ted: Uh, try the birth of Christ. You know, Christmas - Christ Mas, which means "More Christ" to our Spanish friends.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Wedding (#1.12)" (2006)
Marshall: Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices; it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one. I'm sorry.

Marshall: You know what, excuse me if I don't wanna get married barefoot next to Lake No-One's-Gonna-Drive-That-Far. Yes, I want a ballroom. And I want a band, and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day ever since I was, like...
Lily: A little girl?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Window (#5.10)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: [Ted receives a call] Hello?
Mrs. Douglas: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted Mosby: Yes?
Mrs. Douglas: The window is open.
Ted Mosby: [pause] What?
Mrs. Douglas: The Window... is open!
Ted Mosby: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall Eriksen: What are you waiting for?
Ted Mosby: I... I...
Marshall Eriksen: Run, Ted! RUN!
[Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted Mosby: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily Aldrin: Make a hole, people!
[gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it]
Lily Aldrin: Run, Ted! RUN!

Ted Mosby: You know how everyone has that guy or girl that no matter what happens, you know will be perfect for you.
Marshall Eriksen: Lily.
Robin Scherbatsky: Mike Shacks.
Barney Stinson: That girl over there.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Final Page: Part Two (#8.12)" (2012)
Ted Mosby: I need to grow up. Oh by the way I'm breaking a jinx swear here so don't tell Barney or he gets to whack me in the nuts three times with a whiffle ball bat.
Marshall Eriksen: Sure, pretty standard.

Lily Aldrin: Okay but hurry, or I'm gonna start doing number eleven on my own.
Marshall Eriksen: You can do that by yourself?
Lily Aldrin: Pilates bitch!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Pre-Nup (#8.2)" (2012)
Arthur: [Arthur has had enough of the couples' squabbling over Barney and Quinn's pre-nups] Enough, ENOOUGH!
[couples stop]
Arthur: You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do.
[to Marshall]
Arthur: You, start!
Marshall Eriksen: [to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.
Lily Aldrin: I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.
Arthur: [to Ted and Victoria] You, next!
Ted Mosby: Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.
Victoria: I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.
Arthur: [to Robin and Nick] Next!
Nick: I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.
Robin Scherbatsky: I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.
Nick: Oh... That's cool.

Lily Aldrin: Marshall, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast.
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't put the bread in there, you didn't put the bread in there!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Possimpible (#4.14)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: [Ted has a flashback about his old Wesleyan radio gig after Robin finds it in his resume] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down
Marshall Eriksen: [Listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted Mosby: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
Lily Aldrin: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted Mosby: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
Student: [Cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted Mosby: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec.
[resumes Doctor X spiel]
Ted Mosby: Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...
Marshall Eriksen: [In present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...

Lily Aldrin: [to Ted] Doctor X, you're still bragging about Doctor X?
Robin Scherbatsky: Who's Doctor X?
Ted Mosby: Nobody knows. He was this genius mystery DJ.
Marshall Eriksen: It was Ted.
Ted Mosby: [Ignoring Marshall] ... His identity remains a mystery to this day.
Lily Aldrin: It was Ted.
Ted Mosby: [Ignoring Lily as well] ... But this phantom of the airwaves changed the very face of college radio.
Marshall Eriksen: It was Ted.
Lily Aldrin: And your show sucked.


"How I Met Your Mother: Home Wreckers (#5.20)" (2010)
[last lines]
Ted Mosby: [Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought] How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Marshall Eriksen: Robin told me.
[Gives Ted a beer]
Marshall Eriksen: Happy housewarming.
Ted Mosby: But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
Marshall Eriksen: I know what you said, but
[walks with Ted to steps of patio]
Marshall Eriksen: I also know my friend, Ted Mosby.
[they sit]
Marshall Eriksen: Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Ted Mosby: Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
Marshall Eriksen: That's what I do.
Ted Mosby: Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah.
[they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain his design plans]
Narrator: And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house... is *this* house.

Inspector: All right. Good news: Think we'll be out of here early.
Ted Mosby: Really?
Inspector: Yeah. I finished downstairs and the outside. Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, the lead paint, the water damage, the fire damage, the sun damage, the broken furnace, the rotted floor boards. Hey, look at that- no termites.
Ted Mosby: Oh!
Inspector: The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen which is fine - but the trim really clashes with the counter tops. Or, I could just recommend that you do not buy this godforsaken, Guantanamo Bay of a house and suggest that we all get our asses out of here before a medium-sized wind blows the whole son-'-bitch down.
Ted Mosby: What if I already bought the "son-'-bitch"?
Inspector: I will check out the upstairs...
[walks out laughing hysterically]
Marshall Eriksen: Did he say he found a hobo?


"How I Met Your Mother: Tick Tick Tick (#7.10)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: ["Sandwich" is a euphemism for pot] I think that sandwich was laced with other stuff... like hard meats.

Marshall Eriksen: [Having an epiphany after getting high and believing they've missed the entire Groove show] I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know
Ted Mosby: I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.
Marshall Eriksen: We're getting old.
[sees Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: Lily!
[hugs her]
Marshall Eriksen: I'm so sorry that we ruined our night
Lily Aldrin: What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!


"How I Met Your Mother: Tailgate (#7.13)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: [Lily is upset that her father paid little attention over the phone that she was pregnant] Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.
Lily Aldrin: You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there.
[Grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading]
Lily Aldrin: June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.
Marshall Eriksen: ...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.
Lily Aldrin: I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything... but myself.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.
Lily Aldrin: [Slight smile] There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.

Marshall Eriksen: Lily, don't you think it's a bit narcissistic not to allow for something bigger out there? Something whose beauty and power and majesty humbles us?
Lily Aldrin: God?
Marshall Eriksen: Werewolves.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Wedding Bride (#5.23)" (2010)
Barney Stinson: Baggage is the cornerstone of America's greatest national product.
Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin: Porn!
Barney Stinson: Actually, it's porn. No women works in porn without having major baggage.
Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky: [Saluting] Major Baggage.

Lily Aldrin: Sorry, Ted, you're screwed.
Marshall Eriksen: No! You know what? Ted is not screwed. Do you guys wanna know why I'm always nice to everyone? It's because I don't care about baggage. I mean, most people, they see a person walking down the street with that big, heavy bag they're carrying, and they just walk on by. But not me. I look at them, and I say... I say: "Howdy, stranger. Can I give you a hand with that?" And do you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby.
[uplifting music starts playing]
Marshall Eriksen: A guy who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things. And you know what, Ted? I believe that deep down, you're still that guy!
Ted Mosby: [dramatically excited] I am still that guy.
Marshall Eriksen: [pep talking] I think you wanna go out there and get that girl!
Ted Mosby: I do wanna go out there and get that girl!
Marshall Eriksen: Because she's the love of your life!
Ted Mosby: Because she's...!
[music stops playing in a beat, and Ted calms down for a minute]
Ted Mosby: Well, okay. Let's, uh... We're three dates in. She seems nice.
Marshall Eriksen: Because she seems nice!
[music starts playing again, and Ted stands up, back to being dramatically excited]
Ted Mosby: She does seem nice! You're right, Marshall. I gotta go get her. And I know exactly where she is.


"How I Met Your Mother: Gary Blauman (#9.21)" (2014)
Ted Mosby: Singles tables are cruel. I mean what if you went to a wedding and there was a table of all fat guys?
Marshall Eriksen: That would be awesome.

Barney Stinson: Did you say "Gary Blauman"?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah
Barney Stinson: Gary Blauman?
Ted Mosby: Yes
Barney Stinson: Blauman... comma, Gary?
Lily Aldrin: Point, comma, get to the damn.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Time Travelers (#8.20)" (2013)
Robin Scherbatsky: [Marshall is bitter because a drink he conceptualized at MacLaren's is named after Robin] It's my usual!
Marshall Eriksen: Immaterial! If it's gonna be named after anybody, it should be the Marshall Eriksen.
Robin Scherbatsky: Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky, read it and weep.
Marshall Eriksen: So you're gonna Zuckerberg me? Alright, you're Zuckerberging me? It's fine, I'll see you in court, a little court called the dance floor. Dance-off now!
Lily Aldrin: No, no dancing. Marshall, we've been through this. The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever, you have to lay off dancing for a while.
Marshall Eriksen: You're killing me, Lily! You're killing me! I'm an adult, you have to let me dance my own battles.

Robin Scherbatsky: [about a dance-off] Marshall it doesn't matter. Cause you'd lose anyway and you know why? Cause I'm Sparkles bitch!
Marshall Eriksen: Oh and you think you can step up to me? You think you could step up to the streets? To me? You think you could step up, over me, to the streets?


"How I Met Your Mother: Benefits (#4.12)" (2009)
Robin Scherbatsky: Haven't you tried not reading a magazine while "reading a magazine"?
Marshall Eriksen: You have to read a magazine! That's why there are magazines!
Ted Mosby: Otherwise, it's just a waste of our time.

Robin Scherbatsky: Last night, I did it while returning a bunch of phone calls.
Marshall Eriksen: I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!


"How I Met Your Mother: Shelter Island (#4.5)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: [Reading a brochure on the place the wedding is taking place] Namaste Yoga and Meditation Collective?
Marshall Eriksen: I don't know about you guys, but namaste here any longer than I have to.

Lily Aldrin: There's no meat.
Barney Stinson: There's no alcohol.
Marshall Eriksen: It gets worse, you guys. I think that guy you were talking to was lead singer for Spin Doctors.


"How I Met Your Mother: Bedtime Stories (#9.11)" (2013)
Marshall Eriksen: [voiceover narration] He rose to go approach this girl who commanded such intrigue, when Mommy interrupted...
Lily Aldrin: Dude, she's way out of your league! She's not in Daisy Dukes nor squeezed into a Hooters tee, and I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. She's sipping chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. She's not playing with her hair. There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.
Barney Stinson: Your challenge is accepted, Lil. There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City!

Marshall Eriksen: [Narrating] Now the age old softball stereotype is just that and nothing more. But as the Yankees got a run, Ted feared he wouldn't score. For the date side of the line is the one we all might guess he's in, they'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a...
Lisa: Yes, we win!


"How I Met Your Mother: Zoo or False (#5.19)" (2010)
Barney Stinson: I think Marshall doesn't want people to think he was mugged by a monkey, because it would make him look like a big joke.
Marshall Eriksen: Would it?
Barney Stinson: The biggest, because it's so funny.

Robin Scherbatsky: Hey, guys. What's up?
Barney Stinson: Oh, some new information has come to light on Marshall's mugging.
Robin Scherbatsky: [seriously] Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
Ted Mosby: Well, he's behind bars.
Robin Scherbatsky: Where did they find him?
Lily Aldrin: I'm guessing naked in the trees, throwing his own feces.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, I've seen that guy. See, that's why I take cabs.
Ted Mosby: You know how they caught him, right?
Marshall Eriksen: [reluctantly] There was a tail on him...
Ted Mosby: There was a tail on him!
[he, Lily and Barney laugh]


"How I Met Your Mother: Double Date (#5.2)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: [to Barney] Ooh girlfriend troubles, I wish I could help you but my totally awesome wife just bought me a lap dance with her body double. If you need me I'll be getting grinded like some pepper in the champagne room

Lily Aldrin: [During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder] It's time, baby.
Marshall Eriksen: [Crying] I will never love again!
Lily Aldrin: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and... plow her like a cornfield.
[hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
Minister Giles: [at Lily's funeral] ... and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield.
[Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
Minister Giles: [an appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
April: [an appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl] Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall Eriksen: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil.
[to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt]
Marshall Eriksen: Where do I sign?
[necks her]


"How I Met Your Mother: Ted Mosby, Architect (#2.4)" (2006)
Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies...
Ted: First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And third, I can't imagine that working on anyone, ever.
Barney: That's 'cause you're always like,
[in a mopey, loser-ish voice]
Barney: 'Ted Mosby, architect'.
[shrugs shoulders, makes dweeby face]
Barney: If it were me, I'd be like,
[speaking in a confident, assertive voice]
Barney: Ted Mosby, architect.
[points and pulls trigger on finger gun]
Barney: Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude.
Marshall: [clears throat, confidently] Marshall Erikson, recently dumped and heading to a lame party.
[looks away to imaginary hot girls]
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, please, take it easy. There's enough of me for everyone.
[puts arms around two imaginary hot girls]
Marshall: Hi. Hello.
[to Ted and Barney]
Marshall: All right. We're gonna take off.
Barney: Wait up. I'll leave with you guys. Ted Mosby, architect. Trust me.

Marshall: Well, all skyscrapers kinda look like a...
Ted: Marshall, it's a seventy-eight story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front.
Marshall: Wow, so it's the whole package.
Barney: Yeah, you did.
[fist-bumps Marshall]
Marshall: Had to.
Barney: Oh, dude, if they're selling condos you gotta get me in. And don't give me the shaft.
Marshall: Yeah, you did.
Barney: Had to.
[they fist-bump again]
Ted: It's a travesty! It's gonna define the skyline of the city. If it was me, I could have designed something amazing. Instead, I'm spending twelve hours a day designing the cornices.
Marshall: Yeah, you did.
[holds out his fist for a bump]
Ted: That wasn't one.


"How I Met Your Mother: Of Course (#5.17)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: How could you let me do that - you're my wife.
Lily Aldrin: I know but that song is kind of catchy.

Ted Mosby: Sounds like she read that book "Of Course You're Still Single, Take a Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut"
[Lily, Marshall and Barney stare at Ted]
Ted Mosby: What? It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.
[They still stare]
Ted Mosby: It's Robin's copy, I've just leafed through it a little bit.
Marshall Eriksen, Lily Aldrin, Barney Stinson: Oh, really?
Marshall Eriksen: Robin's Copy?


"How I Met Your Mother: Come On (#1.22)" (2006)
Barney: Robin again? Ted, the universe clearly does not want you and Robin to be together. Don't piss off the universe. The universe will slap you.
Ted Mosby: But don't you think the universe has more important things to worry about than my dating life?
Marshall Eriksen: Unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together... Whoa. Chills. Anybody else get chills?
Ted Mosby: Look, I realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Robin, so... I gotta do this.
[Barney slaps him]
Ted Mosby: Ow! What the hell?
Barney: That wasn't me. That was the universe.

Lily: Unpause?
Marshall Eriksen: Unpause.
Narrator: Let's pause. See, Marshall and Lily had a rule that at any point during a fight they could pause and take a break. Their fights often lasted for days.


"How I Met Your Mother: Woooo! (#4.8)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: This is awesome! Drinking at work.
Barney Stinson: We're basically mad men.
Marshall Eriksen: We are. We're such Mad Men.
Barney Stinson: I'm gonna go smack a secretary on the ass.
Marshall Eriksen: That's totally what they would do on that show.
Barney Stinson: What show?

Barney Stinson: I know. We are Swedish. We are so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, Sweden is not France, you know that, right?
Barney Stinson: Oh, it's France!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Yips (#3.10)" (2007)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall complaining how his gym coach pushes him hard] Trish made me do 70 push-ups, but she only give me credit for 10. Then she had me do 100 sit-ups and *then* she made me cry using only her words.

Trish: So, ready to make a commitment to your body?
Marshall Eriksen: I am all about commiting myself to my body. I want to drive out to Vermont and perform a commitment ceremony with my body. That was a weird thing to say.


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Forever: Part Two (#9.24)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? How could you put us through that? That goodbye was emotionally devastating! A certain delicate flower cried all night in the shower.
Lily Aldrin: And *I* was pretty bummed too!

Marshall Eriksen: Hey Ted, ask me if the abominable snow man called.
Ted: Has the abominable snow man called?
Marshall Eriksen: Not Yeti.


"How I Met Your Mother: A Change of Heart (#6.18)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: You got nothing on me.
Barney Stinson: The calzone?
Marshall Eriksen: Checkmate.

Ted Mosby: [Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby, Robin's new boyfriend, is missing from the apartment] Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.
Robin Scherbatsky: Got out? What do you mean?
Ted Mosby: He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall Eriksen: It wasn't me!
Lily Aldrin: Me neither.
[gasps]
Lily Aldrin: He must have figured out how to open it himself!
Ted Mosby: He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
Marshall Eriksen: I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Leap (#4.24)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: I could totally jump that.
Ted Mosby: Marshall, lately it takes you two tries to get off the couch. You can't jump that far.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, yeah?
Ted Mosby: Yeah.
Marshall Eriksen: Watch me.
Narrator: But he didn't jump.

Lily Aldrin: You want a reason? I'll give you a reason. I'm pregnant.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are... Really? Lily, I mean I noticed you've gained some weight lately, but I didn't...
Lily Aldrin: I was lying, you jerk! Go ahead and jump. I hope you die!
Marshall Eriksen: That's all the permission I need.


"How I Met Your Mother: How I Met Everyone Else (#3.5)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: Marshall, remember how I told you how I made out with someone at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, Too-much-tongue guy.
Ted Mosby: And remember that I told you that at the freshman orientation party, I made out with a girl?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Ted Mosby: Well, I'm too-much-tongue guy.
Lily Aldrin: And I'm unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Barney Stinson: Worst superheroes ever.

Ted Mosby: [When Blah Blah freak out about him being friends with "single, pretty" Robin] You know who else is friends with Ted? Marshall! How did we meet? It's a good story, I'm gonna tell it. Right now. It was the first day of college...
[Cut to flashback]
Narrator: Kids, to understand this story you need to know that your Uncle Marshall was doing something that lots of college kids do. How do I say this? He was... uh, let's say "eating a sandwich"
Phil: Dude! I heard the dean is coming. Put out your sandwich!
[Marshall frantically ties to do this, as Ted walks in]
Ted Mosby: Hey
Marshall Eriksen: Good afternoon. Sir. I'm Marshall Eriksen.
[Extends hand]
Ted Mosby: Sir? Please, just call me Ted
Narrator: Okay. Dean Ted.
Ted Mosby: [Smells the air] Whoa... someone's been eating a sandwich!
Marshall Eriksen: [Freaks out] What? No. Really? I don't know, cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school!
Ted Mosby: [Looks confused] Okay...
[Looks at the bed]
Ted Mosby: So, you're bottom bunk. that's cool, I wanted the top bunk anyway.
Marshall Eriksen: What do you mean?
Ted Mosby: I'm your new roommate!
Marshall Eriksen: This is so unfair!
Marshall Eriksen: [Cut back to the present] I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean until later that night...
[Show Ted also "eating a sandwich"]


"How I Met Your Mother: The Sweet Taste of Liberty (#1.3)" (2005)
Barney: Ted, get in the cab. Marshall, you too.
Marshall Eriksen: Uh, I wish I could but I think me and Lily...
Barney: I understand.
[to Ted]
Barney: Come on!
Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
Barney: Uhh, because he's getting laid.
Marshall Eriksen: [to Ted] Consistently.

Marshall Eriksen: [singing] Studying law. Making a responsible choice for my future. On a Friday night... Being a lawyer had better be awesome.


"How I Met Your Mother: Jenkins (#5.13)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: So that's the famous Jenkins. Funny, I was expecting a guy. So, lunch?
Marshall Eriksen: Wait, wait... You're not jealous?
Lily Aldrin: Honey, I don't have to worry about you being about another woman.
Marshall Eriksen: Because we're so hopelessly in love, right?
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, sure. So, lunch?

Marshall Eriksen: Our two kids, our eight grandkids, our 11 great-grandkids are all on a plane piloted by Oprah, and it's about to crash into a art museum with all of your favorite paintings, and the only way to save everything is just to answer the question: are you the reacher or the settler?
Lily Aldrin: And Oprah's tried everything?
Marshall Eriksen: Everything! And you have to decide now!
Lily Aldrin: Well, I guess, if I had to say, then maybe I'd say... I'm the settler.
Marshall Eriksen: How can you say that?


"How I Met Your Mother: Field Trip (#7.5)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: Where are we going?
Garrison Cootes: War son, we're going to war.

Marshall Eriksen: Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.
Garrison Cootes: Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Marshall Eriksen: First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this.
[shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]
Garrison Cootes: Boy or girl?
Marshall Eriksen: I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?
Garrison Cootes: 'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?
Marshall Eriksen: No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.


"How I Met Your Mother: Something Borrowed (#2.21)" (2007)
Ted Mosby: Dude, you shaved your fricking head!
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea...
[Looks in mirror]
Marshall Eriksen: OH GOD WHAT DID I DO! How could you let me shave my head?
Ted Mosby: What?
Marshall Eriksen: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you.I'm not going out there. I'm leaving and I'm never coming back. I'm gonna find that money under the rock by that tree and go live with the guys on the beach in Zihuatanejo.
Ted Mosby: But those guys are criminals
Marshall Eriksen: Only Red, Andy was falsely accused.

Marshall Eriksen: My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!
Barney Stinson: [laughing] You totally do! And not even the good Backstreet Boys, but the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
Ted Mosby: "... Good Backstreet Boys?"


"How I Met Your Mother: Baby Talk (#6.6)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Barney, that prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's ten thirty in the morning I don't really need to see a lady get naked and dance.
Barney Stinson: Oh Esther gets naked, but she doesn't dance... That WAS my card!

Marshall Eriksen: How come the creepy kid in a horror movie is always a girl? Or twin girls, who speak in unison.
Lily Aldrin: What about Chucky?
Marshall Eriksen: A, he was a doll. B, he was possessed by an adult serial killer, and C, how could you bring up Chucky right before bed?


"How I Met Your Mother: Band or DJ? (#8.13)" (2013)
Marshall Eriksen: [Changing Marvin's diaper] Oh, still clean. What's that little buddy, you're smiling?
[Confetti sprays all over Marshall]
Narrator: Kids, it wasn't confetti.
Lily Aldrin: Holy confetti!

Robin Scherbatsky: This is, like the fifteenth time my dad has sent me a friend request. I'm just gonna hit "accept".
Ted Mosby: No!
Marshall Eriksen: No, no, no, no, no! Don't do it, Robin. You don't want to see what's behind that door.
Robin Scherbatsky: What are you talking about?
Ted Mosby: He's talking about my mom's 2000-word review of Fifty Shades of Grey. And 14 of those words were "vulva".
Marshall Eriksen: You're gonna get endless requests to play some game that has something to do with gangsters or farming.
Lily Aldrin: Never mind the embarrassing cheerleading photos from highschool.
Marshall Eriksen: Begged my mom to burn those.


"How I Met Your Mother: Big Days (#6.1)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: Whoa, wait. A big package just arrived.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah it did!
Lily Aldrin: No it's a real package, from your dad.
Marshall Eriksen: Well that's a little weird, but yeah it is!

Marshall Eriksen: [Drinking beer] Beer be with you.
Ted Mosby: And also with you. This is what church has been missing. Dude, you fixed Church!
Marshall Eriksen: You're welcome, God.


"How I Met Your Mother: Splitsville (#8.6)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: Okay that's ridiculous! Is Nick a genius? No. But does he have average intelligence? No! But he is a human being with a heart!

Marshall Eriksen: If Joel uses ringers, so can we, and Nick is our best player, so as far as I am concerned, he can both keep your groins on ice.
Ted Mosby: "Groins On Ice"... Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.
Robin Scherbatsky: Why are you so into this basketball league?
Marshall Eriksen: Robin, its the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show!


"How I Met Your Mother: Romeward Bound (#8.21)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: [about how Marshall told half-truths about his work life] When you said you were about to get reamed?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh right that. No, sometimes for fun, we throw reams of paper at each other. Bernard! Not a good time! Read the room!

Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall tries to convince Lily of accepting the Captain's assignment for her in Rome and she calls him on her speaking only one Italian sentence. subtitles appear while Marshall repeats said sentence] Come on, maybe the only sentence I know is "come on bro, don't Bogart all the Funyuns," but I know in my heart that you understand me anyway. Because no one I know has better understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is this trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not, but I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.
Lily Aldrin: I love you.
[kisses Marshall]
Lily Aldrin: So, we're going to Italy!
Marshall Eriksen: Si!


"How I Met Your Mother: Who Wants to Be a Godparent (#8.4)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: [Walking outside with Lily] You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Robin Scherbatsky: You know where you're headed, chief? The British Columbia Military School for Boys. Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have to shave all your hair off and burn your girly clothing in an old oil drum while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames.
Marshall Eriksen: I think Robin wins this round... Because we love her and she's in a safe space. Right guys?


"How I Met Your Mother: Little Minnesota (#4.11)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: It's freezing out there! Where's your coat?
Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, I'm Canadian - I don't need a coat. This kind of weather does nothing for me.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, this is like a spring day back in Minnesota if it wasn't for all the taxis and skyscrapers, and non-white people.
Ted Mosby: There aren't any Black people in Minnesota?
Marshall Eriksen: Not if Prince is on tour.

Marshall Eriksen: [Entering the Walleye Saloon] Evening, everyone!
Everyone: Marshall!
Marshall Eriksen: This is my friend Robin.
Everyone: Robin!
Marshall Eriksen: Now get back to your drinking.
Everyone: Drinking!


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Forever: Part One (#9.23)" (2014)
Lily Aldrin: Sweetie, how was work?
Marshall Eriksen: My boss only called me 3 words that meant vagina today.


"How I Met Your Mother: False Positive (#6.12)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: [about the home pregnancy test] Are you sure you did it right?
Lily Aldrin: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Broath (#7.19)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: [to Lily] Baby you're like twenty slutty chicks rolled into one.


"How I Met Your Mother: Subway Wars (#6.4)" (2010)
Ted Mosby: [the gang debates about what the essence of being New Yorkers really is] I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily Aldrin: No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.
Marshall Eriksen: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
Narrator: And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Magician's Code: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered] In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it...
Lily Aldrin: I can't wait. What is the name?
Marshall Eriksen: The name is "Wait For It".
Lily Aldrin: [Screams while pushing] AAGHH... THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!


"How I Met Your Mother: Rally (#9.18)" (2014)
Robin Scherbatsky: My father's recipe for a Bloody Mary trades out tomato juice for wolf's blood.
Marshall Eriksen: Bloody Mary? Sounds more like a bloody scary.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Perfect Cocktail (#6.22)" (2011)
Barney Stinson: [after being given gin by Lily and Robin in order to start fighting out their issues] Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Marshall Eriksen: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Barney Stinson: Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
Marshall Eriksen: [infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Broken Code (#9.4)" (2013)
Marshall Eriksen: Now, although not expressly stated in the Bro Code, a weird moment between a bro and his bro's fiance, is, in my bro-pinion, a violation. However, Ted was helping Robin as a friend. Therefore, holding her hand isn't necessarily a weird moment. That being said, if we decide that holding any friend's hand is weird then yes, Ted did break the Bro Code. So the question is this, if Ted had gone to the park and held Barney's hand, would it have been weird?


"How I Met Your Mother: Robin 101 (#5.3)" (2009)
Robin Scherbatsky: [about Marshall's barrel] You need a hand throwing it out?
Marshall Eriksen: No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? Mabel's like family.
Robin Scherbatsky: So, um, what are you gonna do with Mabel?
Marshall Eriksen: I want to give her away to a lucky new owner. Do you know anyone?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, hmm, let me think. Do I know any rodeo clowns? Oh, that's weird, I do. But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.


"How I Met Your Mother: Right Place Right Time (#4.22)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies!


"How I Met Your Mother: Sandcastles in the Sand (#3.16)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: Did he - and I'm trying to put this as delicately as possible - did he take your maple leaf?
Robin Scherbatsky: No, nothing like that.
Barney Stinson: Did he give you your first O Canada face?
Narrator: This went on for quite a while. Some were sophisticated and elegant...
Lily Aldrin: Were the two of you really Inuit?
Narrator: Some were crude and ill-formed...
Ted Mosby: Something about bear traps.
Narrator: And some were obvious and needed to be said.
Barney Stinson: Did you ride his zamboni?
Marshall Eriksen: No, I think I'm all out.
Ted Mosby: Me too. I'm all out. Now I'm out.


"How I Met Your Mother: Lobster Crawl (#8.9)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall and Lily talk about Ted's excesses in taking care of Marvin] I think that we've figured out what's wrong with you. You see, after we let you go...
Lily Aldrin: [flashback at apartment, Lily finds a book] What is this?
Marshall Eriksen: 'Marvin's Book of Firsts'?
[they browse book]
Lily Aldrin: [gasps at seeing Ted and Marvin with Santa Claus] Ted took Marvin to see Santa? I'm gonna take this book and I'm gonna shove it so far up his...
Marshall Eriksen: [Back to the present] The point is, it made us remember another scrapbook you made.
[Remembers Building's Book of Firsts about the GNB Tower]
Marshall Eriksen: That project really was your baby and now it's over, you're scared to move on.
Ted Mosby: I poured all my blood, sweat and tears into that building. To be fair, a lot of it happened the day I accidentally fell down that elevator shaft. The point is, it's just really hard to let go, especially since that building's my biggest accomplishment. I mean, maybe if I was where you guys at in life, all you had to be proud of...
[Lily gives him a lollipop]
Marshall Eriksen: We get it, you'll always gonna be Uncle Ted. But if Marvin can't be your next project, you need one of your own, so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter. He's over there.
[Points to black man sitting not far from them]


"How I Met Your Mother: No Pressure (#7.17)" (2012)
[last lines]
Narrator: Here's the funny thing. In my own crazy way, I was happy. For the first time in years, there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin. Which meant for the first time in years, the world was wide open. Because, kids, when a door closes... well, you know the rest.
Lily Aldrin: For Ted's sake, I hate to say this, but... pay up.
[Holds her hand out. There is a short pause]
Marshall Eriksen: [smiles slightly] Not yet.


"How I Met Your Mother: Now We're Even (#7.21)" (2012)
Barney Stinson: The truth is I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.
Marshall Eriksen: That movie only came out *two* years ago
Barney Stinson: What movie?


"How I Met Your Mother: Twin Beds (#5.21)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: Can't we at least push them together?
Marshall Eriksen: Sure! Oh, you mean the twin beds. No, I don't want that.


"How I Met Your Mother: Lucky Penny (#2.15)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: Marshall used to think he was indestructible.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, it added up. I've never broken anything, I've never been sick, and when I need to, I can summon incredible strength. Ted, tell her the story about the really heavy door.
Ted Mosby: [to Robin] It was a really heavy door. He opened it.
Marshall Eriksen: On *one* pull.


"How I Met Your Mother: Weekend at Barney's (#8.18)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: There is Strickland Stevens.
Marshall Eriksen: Wow. Even his scarf is up-and-coming.


"How I Met Your Mother: Architect of Destruction (#6.5)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: How's it going with Robin?
Max: I think I have to break up with her.
Marshall Eriksen: Why?
Barney: *You* with *her*?
Max: Yeah, well, there's this kind of weird thing she likes to do in the bedroom. It just makes me uncomfortable.
Barney: I get it.
Ted Mosby: Yeah, that is not for everyone!
Marshall Eriksen: What's not for everyone?
[Everyone looks at him awkwardly]
Marshall Eriksen: Guys, come on! What is it?
Max: Come on, bro! It's the locker-room!


"How I Met Your Mother: Sunrise (#9.17)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, yes, seven-years-ago Lily, maybe I am wrong for still being mad at you about San Francisco and our breakup. But the truth is, when you left me, that was the saddest I've ever been in my life.
Lily Aldrin: [Imaginary] Really? The saddest you've ever been in your life?
Marshall Eriksen: Saddest I've ever been in my life.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: [Also imaginary] I mean, I am sitting right here.
Marshall Eriksen: Look, Dad, yes, obviously, losing you was way worse, but I'm trying to make a bigger point here.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: And what point is that? Because she hurt you once, you now get to hurt her? It's not how it works in a marriage.


"How I Met Your Mother: Garbage Island (#6.17)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: All right guys, I have to go. I have a big, meaningless stack of paperwork that I have to get off my desk to make room for tomorrow's big, meaningless stack of paperwork. But it's all worth it, you know, cause... at least I know I'm making the world a... place.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Ashtray (#8.17)" (2013)
Robin Scherbatsky: [about the Captain] He's looking for Lily. Should I give him her number?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah we've already discussed it. It's four million dollars cash.


"How I Met Your Mother: Bass Player Wanted (#9.13)" (2013)
Marshall Eriksen: At the reception, I'll yell, "The lead singer sucks skunk junk" after every song. I'll come up with something better than "skunk junk". No, no, "skunk junk" is pretty solid.
Tracy McConnell: You can't yell that at the lead singer because I don't suck skunk junk.
[baby Marvin Eriksen is heard to say "skunk junk"]
Marshall Eriksen: For the record... his first word was "Mommy".


"How I Met Your Mother: The Bracket (#3.14)" (2008)
Lily Aldrin: [Going through the women Barney has slept with, trying to find the one that keeps sabotaging him] The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he faked proposed to.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's fake proposal girl. I mean, she hired a wedding planner!
Ted Mosby: 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris!
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!
Barney Stinson: Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.
Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby: 12 hours to live!
Robin Scherbatsky: Damn it!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Man (#4.9)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: There is no way that will work on Robin. She'll just laugh at him and throw him out.
Lily Aldrin: [laughs] Maybe she'll kick his ass first.
Marshall Eriksen: [laughs] Maybe she'll shoot him with her gun.
[All stop laughing and run out the door]


"How I Met Your Mother: The Exploding Meatball Sub (#6.20)" (2011)
Robin Scherbatsky: [the gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021] You're too young, it's unfair!
Marshall Eriksen: We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Barney Stinson: Thank you Marshall.
[coughs]
Barney Stinson: Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Marshall Eriksen: Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Barney Stinson: Eat this meatball sub.
[offers wrapped sub]
Marshall Eriksen: Where did you get this...
Barney Stinson: [Winces in pain] I don't have much time!
Marshall Eriksen: [Unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course.
[prepares to bite]
Marshall Eriksen: Does this have some sort of meaning?
[meatball sub explodes in his face]
Barney Stinson: [Gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't - 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Ted Mosby: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.
[Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]


"How I Met Your Mother: The Poker Game (#9.5)" (2013)
Marshall Eriksen: Oh Chicago! There's this pizza place called Gazzola's, it's fantastic! It was closed down for a while it just re-opened.
Daphne: I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York. We're not stopping. It's just pizza.
Marshall Eriksen: [Scoffs] Just pizza? Let me tell you about the thing you say is "just pizza." We begin with the first bite. Aww the crunch, and then marinara, that roiling lava of tomato and oregano it overtakes you. I'm falling. And that's when she catches you. That chewy voluptuous mistress Mozzarella. Oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread letting you know from now on this is home. This pizza... It's home.
Daphne: If it was so delicious why'd they close it in the first place?
Marshall Eriksen: [Begrudgingly] Rats.
Daphne: We're not stopping!
Marshall Eriksen: This road trip sucks.


"How I Met Your Mother: No Questions Asked (#9.7)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: I just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Marshall Eriksen: Easy. The lock on her door is busted, so...
Ted Mosby: [not listening] The drainpipe!
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: No big deal, I can totally climb it. I'll call you when it's done.
Marshall Eriksen: Her door is unlock-
[Ted hangs up on him]


"How I Met Your Mother: Blitzgiving (#6.10)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.
Zoey Pierson: Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.
Ted Mosby: Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.
Steve Henry: Facial!
Ted Mosby: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.
Zoey Pierson: I'm coming with you.
Ted Mosby: No! I baste alone.
Zoey Pierson: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.
Steve Henry: Word play. Loving it!
Zoey Pierson: But relax. I've got a ton of sides to heat up since my plans fell through.
Ted Mosby: Who canceled? Your coven?
Steve Henry: Coven, group of witches! Boom!
Zoey Pierson: Yeah, they were worn out from putting that spell on your hair!
Steve Henry: Oh! Serve returned!
Ted Mosby: Are you happy? You're ruining Thanksgiving!
Zoey Pierson: Well, you're not exactly who I thought I'd be spending Thanksgiving with, either!
Steve Henry: God, I'm so happy to be here. My face hurts from smiling!


"How I Met Your Mother: Perfect Week (#5.14)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: So how'd the date with Dale go?
Robin Scherbatsky: Sometimes the dude with the horn-rimmed glasses and the Smurfs T-shirt is being ironic, and sometimes he's just a dork with a lazy eye who has a love-hate relationship with Gargamel.
Lily Aldrin: Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date doesn't mean he's not husband material.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, Sasquatch isn't fictional.


"How I Met Your Mother: Glitter (#6.9)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you're wearing a flower.
Barney Stinson: Thank You!
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't compliment, just observed.


"How I Met Your Mother: Twelve Horny Women (#8.8)" (2012)
Judge #1: Thank you Mr. Eriksen. The panel will take this under advisement.
Marshall Eriksen: [Continues sitting] Take your time.
Judge #2: It could be a few months.
Marshall Eriksen: Better tell my wife then I won't be home for dinner.
Judge #2: Get out!


"How I Met Your Mother: I Heart NJ (#4.3)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: I HATE NEW YORK! I'm sorry but it's true. Okay, today I was walking around Price Co. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped, every time I turn I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas!... I hate it. I'M TOO BIG FOR NEW YORK! Okay? I'm always trying to fit into cramped, little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. Hey, guess what: People are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is the matter with you?... And it's so loud. All the time! Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. Well, guess what: I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years! Tired, and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit through all these tiny little elf doorways. New Jersey is great! It's got huge stores and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey!


"How I Met Your Mother: Landmarks (#6.23)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: We should buy a bar.
Barney Stinson: We should totally buy a bar!
Marshall Eriksen: We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!
Robin Scherbatsky: Really, the only sensible idea right now.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, oh, and ready?
Barney Stinson: What?
Marshall Eriksen: It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!
Ted Mosby: Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.
Marshall Eriksen: Uh, I'll allow it!
Barney Stinson: It's the only court where you show up, then get served!
Robin Scherbatsky: You're judged by a jury of you beers!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Rebound Girl (#7.11)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents] Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.
Lily Aldrin: Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.
Marshall Eriksen: 'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers... as a family.


"How I Met Your Mother: Definitions (#5.1)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: I am freaking out! I don't think I can do this!
Barney Stinson: OK, look, mistake number one, was taking that girl's question! You don't take questions on the first day, it shows weakness! Mistake number two... was you should have hit that! Dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom of people to cheer you on, and you can't knock her up, because it's a dream! Class dismissed!
Marshall Eriksen: Mistake number three, dude, where was the hat? Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Slutty Pumpkin Returns (#7.8)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: Lily you just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.


"How I Met Your Mother: Mary the Paralegal (#1.19)" (2006)
Barney: What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession!
Marshall Eriksen: You really think that's true?
Barney: Ohh, yeah. I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers like, an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall Eriksen: Uh huh, so then the oldest profession would be fisherman. Kaboom! You've been lawyered.


"How I Met Your Mother: Something Old (#8.23)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college. It-it was the only piece of furniture we had for a week. And now you two are moving to Italy. I mean, what if our friendship doesn't the pass the "have-you-used-it-in-a-year" test? If you can throw out this chair, who's to say that you can't throw me out too?
Marshall Eriksen: That could never happen!
Lily Aldrin: You're not a chair, you're our best friend!
Ted Mosby: You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.
Marshall Eriksen: Buddy, I...
Ted Mosby: Look, I know I'm being crazy. I just... I just need a moment with this chair. You know, to say goodbye.
Marshall Eriksen: We'll give you two some space.
Narrator: Kids, you can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tightly you hold on, it's already gone.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Burning Beekeeper (#7.15)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: Marshall: Come on lay some of that classic Scherbatsky mean son of a bitch on me. Treat me like I'm a girl scout trying to sell you cookies!
Robin Scherbatsky: Four dollars a box and you're out of thin mints? You green little... I don't do that!


"How I Met Your Mother: Nannies (#8.3)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: Looks like our search is over. All we need is your salary.
Mrs. Buckminster: Certainly. My salary is...
[Cut to Lily and Marshall crying]
Mrs. Buckminster: Now, now. Everything is going to be all right. You'll find someone.
Lily Aldrin: No, we won't!
Marshall Eriksen: Not someone like you!


"How I Met Your Mother: Cupcake (#1.16)" (2006)
Marshall Eriksen: Hey baby, how's the dress place?
Lily Aldrin: Everything's so fluffy and white, it's like shopping in a marshmallow! How's Barney's tailor?
Marshall Eriksen: Everything here is dark, sketchy, and seems illegal; It's like shopping in Barney's mind.