Quotes for
Young Barney (Character)
from "How I Met Your Mother" (2005)

"How I Met Your Mother: Duel Citizenship (#5.5)" (2009)

Robin Scherbatsky: Make fun of the Great White North all you want, but Canada is the greatest country in the world.
Barney Stinson: Great... Social experiment.
[Chants]
Barney Stinson: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
[Rest of the bar joins in]
Robin Scherbatsky: What does that even prove? They'll chant at anything. Ca-na-da! Ca-na-da!
[No one joins in]
Robin Scherbatsky: Ca-na... all right, so they won't chant at anything.
Barney Stinson: [Chants] Shrimp fried rice! Shrimp fried rice!
[rest of the bar joins in]
Ted Mosby: [Coming in] Shrimp fried rice, totally!

Barney Stinson: You're gonna pass that test, and I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna cram, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna bone up...
Robin Scherbatsky: All right, I get it.
Barney Stinson: It's a rich area.

Barney Stinson: It's not gonna be easy, like the Canadian citizenship test.
Robin Scherbatsky: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney Stinson: It's Canada! Question One: Do you want to be Canadian? Question Two: Really?

Barney Stinson: You can be an American, but first we have to take the Canadian out of you. That's why I prepared these set of questions. Question one: Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Queen Elizabeth II]
Robin Scherbatsky: Queen Elizabeth II.
Barney Stinson: Wrong! The correct answer is Elton John. Question two: What is this?
[Holds up picture of curling players]
Robin Scherbatsky: That is the sport of curling. The point is...
Barney Stinson: Wrong! The correct answer is: I don't care, it looks dumb.

Barney Stinson: Last question. Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Ernest P Worrell]
Robin Scherbatsky: That is the fine actor best known for the Hey Vern series of films. And his name is Jeff Foxworthy.
Barney Stinson: Wrong. It's Jim Varney.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's Jeff Foxworthy, you idiot!
Barney Stinson: Robin, not only were you wrong, but you stubbornly stuck to your guns and insulted me in the process.
[Salutes]
Barney Stinson: Congratulations, you are an American.

Robin Scherbatsky: What happened?
Barney Stinson: You went Canadian.
Robin Scherbatsky: How Canadian?
Barney Stinson: This Canadian!
[Dramatically opens curtains of hotel room; a building blocks the view]
Barney Stinson: That was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto skyline. We're in Toronto!

Barney Stinson: Attention Canada! I am Barney from America, and I am here to fix your backward ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is the biggy, quit letting awesome chicks, like Robin Scherbatsky, get away. Because, guess what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her, if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, and getting the hell outta here, you may now return to being pointless.

Barney Stinson: Those Canadian doctors bandaged me up, put my shoulder back in its socket, and reset my jaw, and they didn't even bill me. Idiots!

Robin Scherbatsky: Make fun of the Great White North all you want, but Canada is the greatest country in the world.
Barney Stinson: Great... Social experiment.
[Chants]
Barney Stinson: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
[Rest of the bar joins in]
Robin Scherbatsky: What does that even prove? They'll chant at anything. Ca-na-da! Ca-na-da!
[No one joins in]
Robin Scherbatsky: Ca-na... all right, so they won't chant at anything.
Barney Stinson: [Chants] Shrimp fried rice! Shrimp fried rice!
[rest of the bar joins in]
Ted Mosby: [Coming in] Shrimp fried rice, totally!

Barney Stinson: You're gonna pass that test, and I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna cram, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna bone up...
Robin Scherbatsky: All right, I get it.
Barney Stinson: It's a rich area.

Barney Stinson: It's not gonna be easy, like the Canadian citizenship test.
Robin Scherbatsky: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney Stinson: It's Canada! Question One: Do you want to be Canadian? Question Two: Really?

Barney Stinson: You can be an American, but first we have to take the Canadian out of you. That's why I prepared these set of questions. Question one: Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Queen Elizabeth II]
Robin Scherbatsky: Queen Elizabeth II.
Barney Stinson: Wrong! The correct answer is Elton John. Question two: What is this?
[Holds up picture of curling players]
Robin Scherbatsky: That is the sport of curling. The point is...
Barney Stinson: Wrong! The correct answer is: I don't care, it looks dumb.

Barney Stinson: Last question. Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Ernest P Worrell]
Robin Scherbatsky: That is the fine actor best known for the Hey Vern series of films. And his name is Jeff Foxworthy.
Barney Stinson: Wrong. It's Jim Varney.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's Jeff Foxworthy, you idiot!
Barney Stinson: Robin, not only were you wrong, but you stubbornly stuck to your guns and insulted me in the process.
[Salutes]
Barney Stinson: Congratulations, you are an American.

Robin Scherbatsky: What happened?
Barney Stinson: You went Canadian.
Robin Scherbatsky: How Canadian?
Barney Stinson: This Canadian!
[Dramatically opens curtains of hotel room; a building blocks the view]
Barney Stinson: That was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto skyline. We're in Toronto!

Barney Stinson: Attention, Canada! My name is Barney Stinson, and your country needs to A, get better money, it's like you want us to make fun of you; and B, stop letting women like Robin Scherbatsky get away, because she is going back to America, where I plan to plant my flag on her, if you know what I mean, and you probably don't.

Barney Stinson: Those Canadian doctors bandaged me up, put my shoulder back in its socket, and reset my jaw, and they didn't even bill me. Idiots!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Slutty Pumpkin (#1.6)" (2005)

Barney: Flight-suit up!

Barney: I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways.

Ted Mosby: [to someone in a big penguin costume] Excuse me? This is going to sound crazy, but... I met someone on this roof four years ago, and they mixed that cocktail, and they loved penguins... by any chance, was that you?
[the penguin seems to smile]
Ted Mosby: It's you. Everyone thought I was crazy, but...
[the penguin unmasks to reveal Barney underneath]
Barney: You are such a LOSER.
Ted Mosby: Arrgh!
Barney: Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.
Ted Mosby: Unbelievable.

Barney: You know what I love about Halloween? It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...
Lily Aldrin: Wow, we get it.
Barney: ...she's a slutty nurse.

Barney: Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.
Ted Mosby: We can get rejected by supermodels any day of the year. Tonight, I'm gonna go up tp the roof, I'm gonna have a few beers, I'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin. It's just what I do.
Barney: [weighing the options on his hand] Hmm.
[left hand]
Barney: Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or
[right hand]
Barney: Yale preppies reuniting their stupid acapella group.
[pretends to hear his left hand say something]
Barney: What's that, left hand? Right hand sucks? Word.
Ted Mosby: I'm heading up to the roof.
Barney: [to his hands] Well, boys, looks like it's just you and me.
[pretending to hear his hand talk again]
Barney: What's that? Self-five? Nice.
[gives himself a high five]
Barney: We out!

Barney: [at the lame roof party] I can't believe you talked me into this.
Ted Mosby: I didn't, you followed me up here.

[in a fighter pilot costume, talking to the hula dancer girl]
Barney: So what does a fella have to do to get laid around here?... Yeah.
Hula Dancer: Right, because I'm wearing a lei...
[walks away]
Barney: Well, it isn't funny if you explain the joke!

[in a devil costume, talking to the hula dancer girl]
Barney: Let me guess, every guy has used the "laid" line on you tonight, huh?
Hula Dancer: You wouldn't believe.
Barney: I apologize for my gender. Let me make it up to you, make you a drink.
Hula Dancer: You certainly are a charming devil.
Barney: I'm also a *horny* devil... Yeah.
Hula Dancer: No.
[walks away]

Barney: Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!
Ted Mosby: Really? That's the nickname now?
Barney: Yeah, the Barnicle!
Ted Mosby: Barnicle Barney?
Barney: That's it.
[awkward pause]
Barney: Barnicle out!
[leaves]
Ted Mosby: Have fun, Barnicle.

Ted Mosby: [seeing Barney in a devil costume] Barney? What, you're back?
Barney: That's right.
Ted Mosby: In a totally new costume.
Barney: Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

[Barney is still dressed as a Devil]
Ted Mosby: I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted Mosby: No, there's a huge line, and I don't wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof.
[some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
Angel: Woah. I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?

Barney: Okay, Victoria's Secret party, right now.
Ted Mosby: Nope.
Barney: Come on, I can't stand watching my delusional friend waste another precious Halloween! Ted, the slutty pumpkin is not coming!
Ted Mosby: She *might*.
Barney: Oy...
Ted Mosby: Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds! It's about believing! This girl, she... she represents something to me, I don't know... hope.
Barney: Wow. I did not understand a word you just said.

Hula Dancer: [seeing that Barney is the penguin] Wait a minute. You're that lame army guy!
Barney: What? No, no, that's some other guy. And he was a kick-ass fighter pilot.
Hula Dancer: I cannot believe I gave you my number.
Barney: Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.
Hula Dancer: Yeah, well, give it back.
Barney: Well, uh, I don't think so, I earned it, fair and square. I'm calling you.
Hula Dancer: But I'm never going to go out with you!
Barney: But how will you know it's me. I'm a master of disguise!... Yeah.
[Hula Dancer walks away exasperated]

Barney: I'm flippering you off.

Barney: Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Sweet Taste of Liberty (#1.3)" (2005)

Barney: We are international businessmen!

Barney: It will be legend-wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is dairy!

Barney: This is gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant because the next word is -DAIRY!

Barney: Ted, get in the cab. Marshall, you too
Marshall Eriksen: Uh i wish i could but i think me and Lily...
Barney: I understand.
[to Ted]
Barney: Come on!
Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
Barney: Uhh, because he's getting laid.
Marshall Eriksen: [to Ted] Consistently.

Barney: Ted you keep going to the same bar, you're in a rut.
Ted: It's not a rut, its a routine, and i like it
Barney: Ted what's the first syllable in rut-tine?
Ted: [Gives up and gets in the cab]
Barney: Peace out suckers!

Barney: Now, Ted, you can either put the bags on the carousel, or you can wait and listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carousel.
[Ted doesn't move]
Barney: ...Ted, since the dawn of time, Man has struggled...
[Ted takes the bags and puts them on the carousel]

Ted: Why can't we go to MacLaren's?
Barney: MacLaren's is boring. Let's go to the strip clubs. We're gonna meet some ladies. Phone five!
[high fives the phone]
Older Ted Mosby: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn't phone-five did you, Ted? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted.
Ted: Come on, MacLaren's is fun.
Barney: [motioning with his hand] MacLaren's is THIS much fun. But what I'm offering is the chance to have *THIS* much fun!
Ted: [also using his hands] See, you always say that, you always say it's gonna be *THIS* much fun, but it always ends up being THIS much fun. This much fun is good. It's safe.
Barney: This whole hand signal thing doesn't really work over the phone, does it?
Ted: No, it doesn't.

Barney: Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be legendary. Phone-five!
Older Ted: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn't phone-five, did you? I know when you don't phone-five Ted!

Barney: [talking about the liberty bell] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Guy #2: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Guy #2: Nope... I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGENDARY! Come on Ted, legendary!

[in a cab]
Ted: Okay, where we going?
Barney: First we gotta pick someone up at the airport.
Ted: Okay, I'm leaving.
Barney: Esteban, doors!
[the doors lock]

Barney: Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?

Barney: I bet no one in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay, it would be, what's the word...?
Ted: Well, this is my stop.
[starts to leave]
Barney: ...Legendary! Ted, legendary!

Barney: Snow-suit up!

[leaving Philadelphia]
Barney: Coulda licked the Liberty Bell.
Ted: We're going to the airport.
Barney: ...Bong... Bong... Bong...
Ted: Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer at my regular bar with my regular friends in my regular *city!*
Barney: [trying to force Ted to make eye contact] Ted! Ted! Ted! You're not even looking, are you?
Ted: No I am not.
Barney: Ted! Look: our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness! Not the "sit-around-and-wait" of happiness! Now if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day, *or*, you can *lick* the Liberty Bell! You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it!

Barney: [on the phone, sitting in a taxi] Come on! We always go to MacLarens.
Ted: [walking down the street] Yeah. Because MacLarens is fun.
Barney: MacLarens is *this* much fun
[holds his hand at shoulder height]
Barney: What I'm offering, is the chance to have *this* much fun
[holds his hand over his head]
Ted: See. You say that. You say its gonna be *this* much fun
[holds his hand above his head]
Ted: but most of the time it ends up being *this* much fun
[hold his hand below his waist]
Ted: . This much fun is good
[holds his hand in the middle]
Ted: . Its safe. Its guaranteed.
Barney: This hand gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it?
Ted: No, it doesn't.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Moving Day (#2.18)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted Mosby: Yes.
Barney Stinson: Wrong! The answer is: No, I secretly want to stay single and spend time with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can score someone hotter than Ted?
[pause]
Barney Stinson: Correct! The answer was awkward silence. Question Three: Did I make up this quiz to prove a point? Yes. Yes, I did.
Robin Scherbatsky: Really? You mean it wasn't from Yellow Legal Pad Monthly?

Ted Mosby: Barney...
Barney Stinson: This is not Barney, although I hear that guy's awesome.

Ted Mosby: [answering Cell Phone] Hello?
Barney Stinson: [talking in a deeper voice] Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby
Ted Mosby: Barney, where the hell is all my stuff.
Barney Stinson: It's not me. Put on the suit.
Ted Mosby: What suit?
Barney Stinson: Ding-dong. 'Oh, what's that?' The doorbell.
Barney Stinson: [Ted walks to the door] That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted Mosby: I'm not there yet.
Barney Stinson: [changing back to his normal voice] Oh, OK, let me know when you get there.
Ted Mosby: OK, I opened it and there's a suit.
Barney Stinson: [talking in a deeper voice again] That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted Mosby: Barney...
Barney Stinson: I'm not Barney! But I hear that guy's awesome. If you want your stuff back, do exactly as I say. First: Put on the suit. Second: Meet me at McClaren's in one hour.
Ted Mosby: How am I supposed to know who you are if we've never met before.
Barney Stinson: [Barney thinks for awhile] I look like Barney.

Barney Stinson: Ted, you are my bro, and soon you will become a henpecked, beaten-down shell of a man. Tonight, we are having a no-holds-barred celebraiton of brohood, a broing away party, a brolebration, a bro-choice rally, brotime at the Apollo.
Ted Mosby: Oh, bro me!

Barney Stinson: Do you know why you haven't gotten the truck with your stuff back?
Ted Mosby: Because you're Admiral Jerk of the British Royal Douchery?

[playing laser tag]
Barney Stinson: Niiiice! WE win!
[Barney and Ted act smug]
Barney Stinson: Ooh, walk of shame,
[points to himself]
Barney Stinson: walk of game. What up!

Barney Stinson: OK! Let's go one more.
Ted Mosby: I don't know.
Barney Stinson: You know you want to.
Ted Mosby: Alright, let's do it. I just gotta call Robin real quick.
Barney Stinson: Arrrghh, so that's what it's gonna be like from now on. No ok, ok, you call your old lady and ask permission to have fun. Me, I will be at the snack shack eating our victory onion rings, Han style.
[Ted gives a confused look]
Barney Stinson: Solo.

Barney Stinson: Suit with sneakers. A little Ellen DeGeneres, but you pull it off.
Ted Mosby: My other shoes are in the truck with the rest of my stuff. Where is it, Barney?
Barney Stinson: Barney. Only people whose truck I'm not holding for ransom call me Barney. You may call me The Commodore.

Barney Stinson: Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Ted Mosby: It was never your truck.
Barney Stinson: ...if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted Mosby: It was a rental.
Barney Stinson: Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'. Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'. Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'. Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream. Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello! Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'. Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'. Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih! Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'. Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
[Table Drumroll]
Barney Stinson: ... 'The '69 Chevy'!

Ted: Hello?
Barney: Put on the suit, Mr. Moesby
Ted: Barney, I know it's you. Where's my stuff?
Barney: It's not me! If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.
Ted: What suit?
Barney: Ding dong! Oh, what's that? The doorbell.
[pauses]
Barney: THAT'S the suit I'm talking about.
Ted: I haven't gotten to the door yet.
Barney: Oh, okay. Let me know when you get there.
Ted: Okay! I opened it... and there's a suit there.
Barney: THAT'S the suit I'm talking about.
Ted: Barney...
Barney: THIS ISN'T BARNEY! But... I hear that guy's awesome. Alright! Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one- Put on the suit! Number two- Meet me at McClaran's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for, since we've never met?
Barney: [dumbfounded] I look like Barney.
[grimaces at own stupidity]
Barney: [Time passes and Ted steals the truck back from Barney. Only, Barney is in the back of the truck, putting the moves on a Rockette]
[Barney answers his ringing phone in a state of panic]
Barney: Hello?
Ted: [Disguises his voice] Enjoying the ride?
Barney: Ted? Ted, you let us out of here! Let us out of here this instant!
Ted: This isn't Ted. But I hear that guy's awesome.

Barney: Ted, you're crazy! This girl is blinding you... with her shiny hair and boob-shaped boobs!
[turns to Robin]
Barney: This is bad for you, too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?
Robin Scherbatsky: I'm not wearing makeup right now...
Barney: Holy crap, you're beautiful!

Barney: Do you know why I haven't given you any of your possessions back yet?
Ted: Um, because you're Admiral Jerk of the British Royal Douchery?
Barney: Because you don't want them back. You could've left at any time tonight, but you didn't, Ted. Why is that?
Ted: Because I didn't wanna go back to Robin's without my stuff.
Barney: False. You know what I think? I think you spent one day with her and it already sucked. I think you didn't like being there, she didn't like having you there, and you both realized that you made a huge mistake. And that's why you spent your first night living with Robin out playing lazer tag with me. And that's why three seconds ago, you didn't call it 'my place,' or 'our place,' or 'home.' You called it Robin's.
Ted: You know what? You can keep my stuff.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)

Barney: There's no such thing as the signal! But yeah, that was the signal

Barney: [after Ted "suits up"] This is totally going in my blog!

Barney: [Robin throws a drink in Ted's face] De -wait for it- Nied! Denied!
Ted: [flashes Robin's Phone Number] We're going out tomorrow night.
Barney: But I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night.
Ted: Yeah, I was never going to go play laser tag.

Barney: [answering the phone] Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-asians? Well, now I have a new favorite: Lebanese girls. Lebanese girls are the new half-asians.

Older Ted: [about seeing Robin for the first time] It was like something out of an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor and turns to his buddy, and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey, Barney. See that girl?
Barney: Oh, yeah, you know she likes it dirty.

Barney: [over the phone] Meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!
[later, Ted arrives at the bar, where Barney is waiting]
Barney: Where is your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up," I'd like you to put on a suit!
Ted: I did, that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!

Barney: Ted, do you remember what I told you the day we met?
[flashback to the same bar, where a younger, goatee-wearing Ted sits in a booth. Barney drops down next to him]
Barney: Ted, I am gonna teach you how to live.
[Ted stares at him]
Ted: Barney. We met at the urinal.
Barney: Oh, right.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I don't have a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exibit A.
[motions to his own suit, then winks to a girl off camera]
Barney: Lesson three, don't even think about getting married 'til you're 30.
[back in the present]
Ted: Thirty. Right, you're right.

Barney: So, Ranjit, ever do it with a lebanese girl?
Lily Aldrin: Okay, that's my Barney limit.

Older Ted: Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.
Son: Are we being punished for something.
Older Ted: No.
Daughter: Yeah, is this gonna take awhile?
Older Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad" I had this whole other life. I was 27, just starting out as an architect, living with your uncle Marshall. My life was good. Then your uncle Marshall went screwed the whole thing up.
[flash to 2005]
Marshall Eriksen: Will you marry me?
Ted: Yes! Perfect. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.
Marshall Eriksen: Right. Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.
Ted: Are you kidding? It's you and Lily. I've been there for all the big you and Lily moments. The night you met, your first date... other firsts.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah... sorry, we thought you were asleep.
Ted: It's physics, Marshall. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. Oh my God, you're getting engaged tonight.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah. What are you doing tonight?
Older Ted: [V.O] What was I doing? Here, your uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life and me? I'm calling up your uncle Barney.
Barney: Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian chicks? Well, now I've got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new half-Asians.
Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight?
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in 10 minutes, and suit up!
Barney: [Ted walks in] Where's your suit? Just once, when I say, "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did... that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!

Ted: You know ever since college it's always been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's gonna be Marshall and Lily... and me. They'll go off get married, start a family, and before you know it, I'm that middle-aged bachelor their kids call "uncle Ted."
Barney: [smacks Ted] I see what this is about. Have you forgot what I told you the night we met?
[flashback, 2001]
Barney: Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.
Ted: Barney, we met at the urinal.
Barney: Oh right.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A. And, lesson three, don't even think of getting married till... you're thirty.
Ted: Thirty. Right, you're right. I don't know. Your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff.
Barney: I thought I was your best friend? Ted, say I'm your best friend!
Ted: You're my best friend, Barney.
Barney: Good, than as your best friend, I suggest we play a game called, "Have You Met Ted?".
Ted: No, no, we're not playing "Have You Met Ted?".
Barney: [taps a woman's shoulder] Hi, have you met Ted?
Ted: Hi, I'm Ted.
Yasmin: Yasmin.
Ted: Very pretty name.
Yasmin: Thanks, it's Lebanese.
[Barney and Ted exchange looks]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: No Tomorrow (#3.12)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: [wearing a green suit] Who wants to kiss the Barney Stone?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, look. It's the Riddler.
Marshall Eriksen: No, that's Gumby. Later, can we tie you in a knot?

Barney Stinson: Let's drink green beer! Let's do green Jell-o shots! Where's your Saint Patrick's Day spirit?
Lily Aldrin: We're drinking green tea.
Marshall Eriksen: With caffeine.

Barney Stinson: Ted, you have to live like there's no tomorrow, because there is no tomorrow. The world is coming to an end. As predicted by Nostradamus. Notre Dame. Fighting Irish. Irish. Saint Patrick's Day. It's your last day on Earth, Bro. Brocopalypse now. Bromaggedon.

Ashlee: I'm Ashlee, with two E's.
Barney Stinson: Please. Two C's at most.

Barney Stinson: Come on, it's not like she has children.
Ted Mosby: How do you know she doesn't?
Barney Stinson: Wrists. It's like you don't even know me.

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Open your brain-tank "bra", 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge! There's three rules of cheating: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. It's not cheating if her name had two adjacent vowels, and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

Ted Mosby: How do you know she's from a different area code?
Barney Stinson: She's 5-1-6! She might dress like she's 7-1-8, act like she's 2-1-2, but trust me... she's 5-1-6! Oh and her husband letting her out alone on St. Pattie's Day, if that dude's not 9-7-3. I'm 3-0-7!

Barney: Ted, listen, are you hearing that? That's the universe, the universe is talking to us.
Ted: We don't have to build a baseball field do we?

Barney: Unacceptable! That's *so* not Raven!

Ted: Barney, I'm starting to think about that theory.
Barney: Ted, if you want to know how old a woman is check her elbows.
Ted: Not that theory.
Barney: Oh, you have to be more clear. I have so many theories.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Goat (#3.17)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: So Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yes, Barney?
Barney Stinson: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News 1 last night?

Robin: [Barney and Robin wake up in bed together] Okay, here is the deal, Barney: the second my feet touch the ground, this never happened.
Barney: Okay.
[pause]
Barney: Wait!
[Barney lifts up the covers to check out naked Robin one last time]
Barney: Right click, Save As, into the .bpeg folder, and OK!

Barney: [Barney just told Ted he slept with Robin] So, you're not mad?
Ted: No, I'm not mad. Well, Robin and I broke up a year ago, we both dated lots of people since then, I'm with Stella now. Seriously, I'm fine with this.
Barney: I'm so relieved to hear you say that.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. Oh, I just remembered, my mom is coming into town next month. Maybe you'd like to nail her too.

Barney Stinson: Marshall, I need a lawyer.
Marshall Eriksen: How much will you pay me?
Barney Stinson: A little.
Marshall Eriksen: All right, I'll take it.

Marshall Eriksen: So, I've been looking over these contracts, and I gotta say, I think this might be a little out of my league. For one thing, it seems like if these contracts are not executed precisely, we will be at war with Portugal.
Barney Stinson: Please, that's a Tuesday for me.

Ted: Hey Barney, I'm get rid of some of my old stuff; do you want my X-Box?
Barney Stinson: [Thinking he's talking about Robin; gasps in horror] She has a name, Ted! Just what are you accusing me of?
Ted: [Confused] Uh, liking video games.

Barney Stinson: [after sleeping together] In my experience the way this normally goes is we lie here for a while; make a little awkward chit-chat.
Robin Scherbatsky: Check.
Barney Stinson: Then I make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight I got to be at, slip out of your apartment and never call you again.
Robin Scherbatsky: And later at the bar you tell your good friend Robin the story of your latest conquest and she wonders to herself "Who is this sad, self-loathing idiot who climbed in to bed with Barney Stinson?"
Barney Stinson: Actually, you usually say that out loud.

Barney Stinson: So... I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.
Robin Scherbatsky: And I just slept with ex-boyfriend's really good friend.
Barney Stinson: Best friend.

Barney: Ted's probably broken this thing himself, right? If he's broken the Bro Code, then I'm off the hook!
Marshall Eriksen: I thought about that, and I gotta say Ted has uphold this thing time and time again. For example, article 87. "A bro shall at all times say yes."
[flashback]
Cindy: So he saved you from an avalanche?
Ted: Yes.
Cindy: And he carried you almost six miles to safety on his broken leg?
Ted: Yes.
Cindy: And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer who used to be a member of the Russian mob?
[Ted looks at Barney with fury on his face before turning to the woman again]
Ted: Da.
[takes a huge zip of his beer]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Purple Giraffe (#1.2)" (2005)

Barney: What does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ooh, stop the tape, rewind, play it again!
Robin: [makes rewind sound] A date tonight?

Barney: Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?

Barney: So, it's over between me and... Works-with-Carlos girl.
Ted Mosby: Whoa, that was fast.
Barney: Yeah. I was trying to think, "What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"
[flashback to about 5 seconds ago]
Barney: I think I'm in love with you.
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: What?
[back in the present]
Barney: Thanks, bro!
Ted Mosby: Glad I could help...

Barney: Well, this is lame...
Ted Mosby: Lame... or casual?
Barney: Lame.
Ted Mosby: Or casual?

Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: [behind Barney] Hello, Barney.
Barney: Of course...
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: You look well. Isn't it weird they invited both of us?
Barney: Who? Who invited you, no one even knows who you are!
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: I understand, you're hurt, but... you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you.
Barney: WHO IS CARLOS?

Barney: Hi, have you met Ted?
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: No.
Barney: Do you know Marshall? Lily?
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: No.
Barney: Hmm. Do you know anyone at this party?
Girl - Works With Carlos Girl: I work with Carlos.
Barney: Excuse me.
[to Ted, Marshall and Lily]
Barney: Anybody know a Carlos?
[they shake their heads]
Barney: On a silver platter.

Robin: So, you threw all these parties for me?
Ted Mosby: No! Oh, you thought - no... okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so I could introduce you to, um...
[Barney shoves some random guy towards Ted]
Ted Mosby: ...this guy! I figured, since it didn't work out between us, and now we can just laugh about it...
[laughs weakly]
Ted Mosby: Anyways, Robin, this is...
Carlos: Carlos.
Ted Mosby, Barney: Ohh...

Barney: What's he got that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ohhhhh, Robin! Pause tape, rewind!
Robin: [makes sound of tape being played backward] A date tonight?
Barney: I don't think I like her...

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Okay Awesome (#1.5)" (2005)

Barney: "Okay" is the name of a club. It's really exclusive. A friend of mine once stood outside for two hours and didn't get in.
Ted: A friend of yours named "you?"
Barney: No, a friend of mine named "Shut up!"

[entering a room]
Barney: And his hair was perfect.

Barney: My, oh, my, there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. Okay, hookup strategy, colon: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night 'till she's mine.
Ted: Do these strategies ever work for you?
Barney: The question is, do these strategies ever *not* work for me. Either way, the answer's "about half the time."

Ted: Barney!
Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.
Ted: What? What happened to that, uh..."cutlet" you were grinding with?
Barney: That was my cousin Leslie.
Ted: [laughing hysterically] WHAT?
Barney: No, NO!
[grabs Ted]
Barney: No. We are not laughing about this, Ted! This is not gonna be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple of months, it's not going to be like, "Hey, heh, remember that time that you were GRINDING with - " NO. And do you know why? Because, italics: This night did *not* happen. And you promise me that you will never ever *ever* tell another living soul what transpired here tonight. You promise.
Ted: Aww...
Barney: Promise!

Ted: [to the Coat Check Girl] Hey. Thanks for saving my night. I'll talk to you soon?
[Coat Check Girl smiles at him]
Ted: Hey, tip her, Barney.
Barney: Why, I didn't check a coat, and even if I did, on principle, tip jars have become so...
Ted: [to the Coat Check Girl] Funny story, Barney was grinding with this girl all night...
Barney: Fine!
[gives her some cash and leaves quickly]
Ted: That's a handy new trick.

[after leaving the loud club, everyone is talking very loudly in the cab ride home]
Ted: I'm really glad you guys came out tonight!
Marshall Eriksen: You know, dude, can I just say something? It kinda hurt that you guys didn't invite me out. I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged, but it would have been nice to be asked.
Ted: I'm sorry. I just assumed...
Barney: They played some great songs tonight!
Ted: I mean, lately...
Marshall Eriksen: I know, I know, it just seems like suddenly we're living in two different worlds. Maybe you've got more in common with Barney.
Barney: [turns around] What?
Ted: Are you crazy? You think I like going to those clubs? I'd so much rather go to your fruity little wine tasting.
Lily: [waking up] Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf! Where's my purse! Where's my purse! I -... No, I'm okay.
[goes back to sleep]
Ted: The problem is you can't do any of that couples stuff unless you have someone to do it with! And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out and doing stupid singles stuff with Barney!
Barney: [turns around] What?
Ted: But, man, when I find her, we're gonna have some bad-ass wine tastings.
Marshall Eriksen: It's a plan. Hey, maybe it'll be that cute Coat Check Girl!
Ted: Yeah! Maybe it will be!
Older Ted Mosby: It wasn't.
Marshall Eriksen: You know, Ted, I don't say this nearly enough, but I really value our...
Barney: Hey, that place has great salads!

Barney: One of the 24 similarities between women and fish, They're both attracted to shiny objects. You never read my blog, do you?

Robin Scherbatsky: [entering the bar, to Ted] Say you're my bitch.
Ted: I'm your bitch. Why this time?
Robin Scherbatsky: I just got us into "Okay".
Barney: "Okay"?! Awesome!
Ted: What happened; did I just have a stoke?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving (#3.9)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Hold it. The countdown ends at 3:00 PM the day after Thanksgiving. I counted it out.
Ted Mosby: How many days does October has?
Barney Stinson: Thirty, of course.
Ted Mosby: Dude, I thought we went over this last year.
Barney Stinson: [fashback; Barney is dressed as Borat] I like Halloween. Is nice.
Ted Mosby: Is also tomorrow.
Barney Stinson: Dammit!

Barney Stinson: Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was, and I'm quoting, the "real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate "aboot"?
Robin Scherbatsky: Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the northwest passage.
Barney Stinson: Why are you guys even a country?

Barney Stinson: By announcing the time, you ruin the suspense. You have shown your hand!
Marshall Eriksen: And as of 3:00 PM tomorrow, your face will show my hand.

Barney Stinson: The killer in a horror movie does not stand in front of the camp cabins with a bullhorn and shout, "Attention, unguarded teens! At 3:00 I will jump out of that closet and hack you to death with a machete. By the way, my only weakness is fire."

Marshall Eriksen: I have this kernel stuck in my teeth.
Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky: [saluting] Colonel Stuckinmyteeth.
Barney Stinson: Will you cut it out already?

Barney Stinson: [holding up a laptop] Check it out, we're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to NOTHING.
Lily Aldrin: Barney, put it away.
Barney Stinson: How does it feel, Marshall, to sit there impotently. Your large flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer voice: The slap will occur in ten, nine, eight...
Barney Stinson: Ohh, classy touch, dude! Too BAD!
Lily Aldrin: Barney put it away!
Barney Stinson: I will in. Five, four...
Lily Aldrin: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney Stinson: What? Wait!
Marshall Eriksen: Yes!
[slaps Barney hard]
Marshall Eriksen: THAT'S THREE!

Barney Stinson: There is nothing in the rules that says I have to be subjected to this kind of psychological torture. You can slap my face, but you cannot slap my mind!

Marshall Eriksen: This looks like it's going to be a major clean-up.
Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, Barney Stinson, Lily Aldrin: [saluting] Major Cleanup.
Marshall Eriksen: Are we going to be doing this all the time?
Robin Scherbatsky: That's the general idea.
Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, Barney Stinson, Lily Aldrin: [saluting] General Idea.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Aldrin Justice (#2.6)" (2006)

Marshall Eriksen: I'm not really comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law teacher.
Barney Stinson: Who would you rather have grading your paper? A savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty?
Marshall Eriksen: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.

[in Barney's hospital room]
Professor Lewis: Mr. Eriksen, hello. Oh, I graded your paper tonight. I was
[looking at the injured Barney]
Professor Lewis: pleasantly surprised.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, she was.
Professor Lewis: B+.
Barney Stinson: B+? Marshal, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physiotherapy, I am gonna get you that A.
Marshall Eriksen: Let her go. She belongs out there. In the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar... and lived.
Barney Stinson: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides.

Barney Stinson: I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance.
Professor Lewis: Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I wanna do when I get home.
Barney Stinson: But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you. Holding back 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. This time, no mercy. I don't care how long it takes, days, weeks, half a year.
Professor Lewis: Fine, come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers.

Barney Stinson: I think I'm falling in love with you.
Professor Lewis: Oh, God, that wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot.
Barney Stinson: No, we had sex yesterday.
Professor Lewis: Oh, right, that. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.

Barney Stinson: C-? What are you talking about? I pulled an all-nighter.
Professor Lewis: You didn't budget your time well. You glossed over some of the most important points. And your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.

Barney Stinson: [in Italian accent] Scusi. I am Luigi, Italian exchange student. I was, um, walking to class, but then I notice you, bella principessa.
Professor Lewis: Tell me what you want and get out.
Barney Stinson: Direct, I like that. The name's Barney. What I want... is you.
Professor Lewis: Turn around.
[after Barney turns around]
Professor Lewis: My place, two hours, don't be tardy.

[after Barney points Marshal to his professor's low-cut blouse]
Barney Stinson: The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. You're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce.

[after Marshal infers his professor is tough on her grades because she needs to get laid]
Barney Stinson: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't challenge you to have sex with...
Barney Stinson: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: False Positive (#6.12)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: Hi there, we've had a lot of fun tonight but on a more serious note this is the time of year that we remember the importance of giving and there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson and that's
[he winks]
Barney Stinson: one to grow on.
Noelle: Erm no.

Barney Stinson: I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.
Sam Gibbs: Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.
Barney Stinson: No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up?
[poses for a high-five]
Sam Gibbs: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

Ted Mosby: [Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
[to Marshall and Lily]
Ted Mosby: Are you kidding me? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now.
[couple still look at him]
Ted Mosby: I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
Robin Scherbatsky: [after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...
Ted Mosby: And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
Barney Stinson: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark!
Ted Mosby: [shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas!
[Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin Scherbatsky: So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski...
Ted Mosby: [Interupting] And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo.
[takes out coin]
Ted Mosby: So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News.
[flips coin into Robin's face]
Ted Mosby: Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

Barney Stinson: I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Lily Aldrin: I'm pregnant.
Barney Stinson: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!

Barney Stinson: A Yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted Mosby: Bon Jovi?
Barney Stinson: What is my third favorite that begins with B-O-N? Buzzer... BONUS!

Barney Stinson: I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Robots Vs. Wrestlers (#5.22)" (2010)

Marshall Eriksen: Aww... Lilllly... babieeeeees!
Barney Stinson: I hope Ted is miserable right now

Barney Stinson: One word. Made up. Douchepocalypse!

Barney Stinson: I've got five tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers!
Ted Mosby: That is awesome!
Barney Stinson: You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?
Marshall Eriksen: Not at all!
Ted Mosby: But we're assuming it's some sort of sporting event putting robots... against wrestlers!
Barney Stinson: That's exactly what it is!

Barney Stinson: Hey, Marisa Heller! Barney Stinson. Do you remember me? We met at a convention for bird owners.
Marissa Heller: That's not possible.
Barney Stinson: Wicker lovers.
Marissa Heller: No.
Barney Stinson: Stinson out!

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Marisa Heller... she sounds hot. Describe. Face, hair, boobs? Start with boobs.

Barney Stinson: Rule #83. If anything coming out of that child's mouth lands on me, I get to touch Lily's boobs.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?

Barney Stinson: Ted, you are out of the gang FOREVER!
Ted Mosby: I'll see you guys tomorrow?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Single Stamina (#2.10)" (2006)

Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean!
[back on topic]
Barney: Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out.
[in despair]
Barney: Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

Barney: I do not support this!
James: What? Gay marriage?
Barney: No, Marriage!

Lily: Then there was the time they scored the brother-sister combo.
Barney: It was everything we ever dreamed of while watching Donny and Marie. She was a little bit country...
James: ...he was a little bit way into black guys.

James: Gimme five! Oh, "Gimme five" is back. I put it on my blog.
Barney: Gimme five's back!

Barney: Who do you like best? Guy in tight black tee? Tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James: Yes, yes, and call me after I've had two drinks.

Older Ted: It got so bad Barney even tried being his own wing man.
Barney: [to woman in bar] Hi. Have you met me?

Barney: It used to be the two of us being awesome, while you guys went two by two into your ark of sexless boredom.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Window (#5.10)" (2009)

Ted Mosby: You know how everyone has that guy or girl that no matter what happens, you know will be perfect for you.
Marshall Eriksen: Lily.
Robin Scherbatsky: Mike Shacks.
Barney Stinson: That girl over there.

Ted Mosby: I sent a cab with a female driver so she would have no other male interaction until she came to me.
Barney Stinson: Where she will still have no interaction with a man. What up? I feel good tonight. Tonight's gonna be good.

Barney Stinson: [about Marshall's overalls] No one, I mean no one could get laid wearing these. Challenge accepted. I, Barney Stinson, of sound mind and amazing body will wear these overalls until have sex with a woman.

Jim: [about Maggie] I've been in love with her for five years.
Ted Mosby: I've been in love with her for twelve years.
Barney Stinson: I've been in these overalls for an hour and a half.

Barney Stinson: [to a random girl, wearing Marshall's overalls] Hey.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, he's not saying hello, he's just telling you what he feeds his horses. Oh man, I could sit here and make "you look like a farmer" jokes all night. Challenge accepted.

Ted Mosby: I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing but I think I'm ready again.
Barney Stinson: Yeah... let me tell you were I'm at... I want to have sex with a girl so I can take off these overalls.

Barney Stinson: [On phone] Ten minutes and the window's closed.
Ted Mosby: What? Ten minutes?
Barney Stinson: Because we're bros.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: How I Met Everyone Else (#3.5)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live.
Ted Mosby: Barney, we met at the urinal.
Ted Mosby: [Flashback] Hi.
Barney Stinson: Lesson one: lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.
Ted Mosby: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney Stinson: Lesson two: get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A.
[gestures at himself]

Barney Stinson: Let's see how Blah Blah's doing on the hot/crazy scale. She started the night here, but as the night progressed, she has gotten crazier, but she hasn't gotten any hotter, and she has drifted past the Vicky Mendoza diagonal and getting dangerously close to the Shelly Galezby area. Another girl I dated. She gained ten pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.

Barney Stinson: Think of me as Yoda. Only instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.

Lily Aldrin: Marshall, remember how I told you how I made out with someone at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, Too-much-tongue guy.
Ted Mosby: And remember that I told you that at the freshman orientation party, I made out with a girl?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, inappropriately-small-mouth-opening girl.
Ted Mosby: Well, I'm too-much-tongue guy.
Lily Aldrin: And I'm inappropriately-small-mouth-opening girl.
Barney Stinson: Worst superheroes ever.

Barney Stinson: Isn't this fun, reminiscing about how everyone met me?

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the 'hot/crazy' scale.
Ted: She's not even on the 'hot/crazy' scale; she's just hot.
Robin Scherbatsky: Wait, 'hot/crazy' scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate!
[draws diagram]
Barney: A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's *this* crazy, she has to be *this* hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the 'Vickie Mendoza Diagonal'. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.
[pauses]
Barney: I should give her a call.

Blah Blah: Robin, how did you and Barney meet?
Robin Scherbatsky: No.
[laughs]
Robin Scherbatsky: No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, Barney and I are not together. No. No.
Barney: Really? Sixteen no's? Really?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Slap Bet (#2.9)" (2006)

Barney: [after being slapped in the face by Marshall] Ow. Your hand is monstrous.
Marshall: Well, what did you expect, you've seen my penis.

Barney: There is no way Robin is married.
Ted Mosby: Thank you, Barney.
Barney: ...cause it's porn.

Robin Scherbatsky: My friend from Canada had to do her vows twice, once in French.
Barney: They speak French there too? God, that country's messed up.

[Barney is complaining about having to watch all the Canadian porn he can find in order to prove Robin has a past in pornography, therefore winning the slap bet]
Lily: Oh, like you need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: *Canadian* porn! Trust me when I tell you that their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go *oot* of my mind.

Barney: Your tomb stone will read "Lily Aldrin: Caring wife, Loving friend and Slap Bet Commissioner."
Marshall: And on Barney's grave, it'll read: "Got slapped so hard by Marshall, he died."

Barney: Do you want to know what Robin's secret is?
Ted Mosby: You know?
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us, her face got flushed- that's shame, my friend. Our friend Robin used to do PORN, wait for it...
Barney: ...OGRAPHY!
Ted Mosby: Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that.

Ted Mosby: Wha... I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.
[Flashback to Barney with different girls]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Ohhhh...
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Barney: Ohhhh...
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Ohhhhhh...
Barney: [Back to present] So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible
Ted Mosby: Hmm... I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh..." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
[Flash to Robin and Ted at the altar]
Reverend Rob: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ted Mosby: I love you.
Robin Scherbatsky: I used to be a dude.
Ted Mosby: Ohhhhhh...

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Mosbius Designs (#4.20)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: Now let's be clear, I don't love her okay? I just miss her when she's not around, I think about her all the time and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.

Lily Aldrin: So tell me, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Narrator: And then Barney told the punchline. To this day, it's the dirtiest joke I've ever heard. And no, I'm not going to say it.
Lily Aldrin: I can't be around you anymore.
[Leaves]
Barney Stinson: Aw, come on!
Ted Mosby: Told ya.
Barney Stinson: She'll be back.
Narrator: And we didn't see Lily again for four weeks.

Barney Stinson: The things I know about this company, I can never be fired. I might find myself ashore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I can never be fired.

Barney Stinson: You need that thing that makes you a guy.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.
Barney Stinson: No, not that thing! I mean a thing that makes you a guy. Like Toy Guy in HR.
[new scene]
Toy Guy: The bad news is, we have to review the new GNB guidelines. The good news is, we get to do it with Wolverine claws!

Barney Stinson: You're not Lily. Lily is a fiendish mastermind, manipulating everyone so that she gets what she wants. She's pure evil. You have a good one. Hold on to her.

Marshall Eriksen: [Food Guy goes by, carrying cotton candy] Hey, Food Guy.
Barney Stinson: [Toy Guy goes by in a scooter] Hey, Toy Guy.
[a ninja with a sword passes by]
Marshall Eriksen: Who's that guy?
Barney Stinson: He doesn't work here. I think we should leave the building.
Marshall Eriksen: Really?
Barney Stinson: This has happened before.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Scorpion and the Toad (#2.2)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: Haaaaave you met Marshall?

Barney Stinson: Marshall Eriksen, suit up!

Barney Stinson: Being a bachelor in New York is like... what's something that everyone likes?
Marshall Eriksen: Candy?
Barney Stinson: Yes. It's like being in a candy store, and all you have to do is grab a couple of Whoppers. Is Whoppers the best one?
Ted Mosby: Bounty?
Barney Stinson: Nah.
Marshall Eriksen: Milk Duds?
Barney Stinson: Nah.
Older Ted Mosby: This went on for hours, so I'll skip right to the end.
Ted Mosby: Double Bubble!
Barney Stinson: Nice!

Marshall Eriksen: You said being single would be like a candy store.
Barney Stinson: I lied. Being single is like a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it's every man for himself. After nine years of captivity, that is my greatest lesson to you.

Barney Stinson: [after Marshall has Lily claim Barney gave her and her "twin sister" chlamydia, scaring off his prospects] Well played, Eriksen. Well played.

[Barney is chatting with twin sisters at McLaren's, both of which he stole from Marshall]
Barney Stinson: So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er - manager. Why do I keep doing that?
[Lily storms in and glares at Barney]
Barney Stinson: Lily?
Lily Aldrin: You gave me chlamydia, you jerk!
[Lily throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out]
Barney Stinson: So, where was I? Ah yes, assistant ménage-er - I did it again. I can't believe it!
[Lily storms in again, this time wearing a hat, and changing her voice slightly, yells:]
Lily's "twin": You gave my twin sister chlamydia! You slime!
[Lily's "twin" throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out. The twins Barney was talking to get up and leave]
Barney Stinson: Wha... wait! I know magic!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Limo (#1.11)" (2005)

Barney Stinson: You know why the phone lines are tied up, is everybody's calling their loved ones. Everyone but Barney...
[the others laugh]
Barney Stinson: Oh, sure. Laugh. Laugh for Barney Stinson! Laugh for the sad clown on whirling carousel of suits, cigars, bimbos and booze. Round and round it goes, and where's it all going? Nowhere...

Barney Stinson: Not-Moby took my "get-psyched" mix!

Barney Stinson: People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so psyched so much of the time"?
Lily Aldrin: By who? Who asks you that?

Lily Aldrin: So where are you from, Natalya?
Barney Stinson: She... who knows. The former Soviet republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?

Barney Stinson: We couldn't go back for Natalya, a human being, but we do have time for hot dogs?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, we like hot dogs.

Barney Stinson: Oh, wait, wait, wait. We have to turn around. We left Natalya.
Lily Aldrin: Barney, none of us really liked her.
Barney Stinson: WHAT?
Lily Aldrin: Sorry.
Barney Stinson: Oh, very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may choose to turn your back on her, I choose to turn my front on her!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Wedding (#1.12)" (2006)

Barney: Ted you may wanna find a new gender for yourself 'cause I'm revoking your dude membership.

Barney: You don't bring a date to a wedding, that's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.

Barney: You know something... Stewart is my new hero. If that dude can bag a "9". I got to be able to bag like a... "16".
Ted: What's a "16"?
Barney: [points to two girls] Those two "8's" over there... yeah.

[to Ted]
Barney: Dude, the meter's running! Crap or get off the pot!

Barney: I mean, seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean, I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know, I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.

[In MacLaren's Bar, Barney is hitting on Claudia, whose fiance just broke up with her]
Barney: Claudia, isn't it weird that we should... run into each other like this? Two souls, of equal levels of attractiveness, both fitting together like two pieces of a very... attractive puzzle.
Lily: [running up to their booth and grabbing Barney's ear] Oh, Hell no!
Barney: [being dragged by ear away from Claudia] ow, ow, ow, ow!
Lily: [angrily] Claudia is getting married tomorrow. And so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles, and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out, and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait! My eyes, or my testicles?
Lily: [momentarily confused, then:] One of each!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Stuff (#2.16)" (2007)

Marshall Eriksen: Which would you rather make out with? Classic mermaid, top half human, bottom half fish; or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human?
Barney Stinson: That depends. Is she fat?
Marshall Eriksen: Yes, but she's half fish, so it's the good kind of fat.

Barney Stinson: I have to side with Robin on this one. Your apartment is so over cluttered. What, do you live in a Bennigan's?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, or a Denby's?
[Others look confused]
Robin Scherbatsky: You don't have Denby's? Where do you get your grizzly ice-cream cones?
Ted Mosby: Just let it go.

Barney: Mosit
Lily: [freaks out and twitches]
Barney: Moist... mosit... moist
[while Lily keeps twitching]
Ted: [Narrating to his kids in the future] And that was only the first 40 mins of Uncle Barney's show
Ted: And after that we had to endure
Barney: [Spraying Lily with water with a small squirt gun from stage]
Barney: [Squirt guns empties] I'm out, I have to go and refill. Please don't go, the shows not over.
Marshall: [Disappointed] I am never chosen for audience participation.

Barney: Lily, I love you. But asking someone to come see your play is like asking for a ride to the airport, or to crash on someone's couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me, friends don't let friends come see their crappy play!

Actor: I am Rage.
Actress: I am Greed.
Lily Aldrin: I am Rage!... uh, Envy.
Barney Stinson: And I am outta here.

Marshall Eriksen: Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Ted Mosby: I had no idea Greed was the killer!
Robin Scherbatsky: And when it became a play within the play, I was, like, now we are really cookin'!
Barney Stinson: [while hugging Lily] Wow, Lily, it sucked!
Marshall Eriksen: Barney...
Barney Stinson: What? It was terrible. Oh, come on, you guys agree, right? Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest, 'cause, you know, we're friends.
Lily Aldrin: No, friends make each other feel good! They... they build each other up and support them. That's what being a good friend is about.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, if you're a smurf.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Pineapple Incident (#1.10)" (2005)

Lily: [Marshall, Ted and Lily discover Barney in the bathtub] What are you doing in the bathtub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait a minute, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it.
[Barney starts laughing and looking at Ted and Marshall]
Barney: Haha, I totally didn't sleep through it! And boy, for a little girl, you've got a big tank!

Barney: Check out table number four! See that little hottie on the end, she's short, but has an ample bossem. I love it, she's, like, half boob. Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, and say what, what's are big opening line?
Barney: It's, uh... Daddy's home.
Ted: "Daddy's home?" You want us to go over to those girls, and say "Daddy's home." Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm... Yeah, think it's pretty solid.

[Barney returns dejected from half-boob's table]
Ted: Oh, Daddy's back. See, if you'd thought about that, for just a second...
Barney: [holds up a phone number] Then I wouldn't have gotten this 7-digit Father's Day card from...
[looks at napkin]
Barney: Amy!
Ted: That worked? I hate the world.

Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Why don't you go wake her up?
Ted: And say what, what am I supposed to say?
Barney: Daddy's home.

Barney: Your brain screws you up, Ted, it gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with "Half-Boob", and its gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style.

Marshall: [after Barney pushes a shot to Ted] Interesting...
Ted: What... You want me to do a shot?
Barney: Oh no... I want you to do five shots.
Marshall: More interesting.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Stinsons (#4.15)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: Oh, I am so relieved because the truth is I am as far from married as a human being can possibly be. My history with women would shock and appall you.
Loretta Stinson: Doesn't matter. I still love you.
Barney Stinson: Seriously, you can't imagine the things I've done.
Loretta Stinson: Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad being passed around like a bong.
Barney Stinson: Mommy?

Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Hot blonde babies drinking bad decision juice at eight o'clock.
Marshall Eriksen: Nice rack radar. That's my wife.
Barney Stinson: Nah, I gotta get going.
Lily Aldrin: Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk, isn't that your type?
Barney Stinson: Maybe I don't have a type Lily. God do you think the male mind is really that simplistic. That we all have one favorite type, geez.
Barney Stinson: [to Ted and Marshall] Asian, with some boob.

Lily Aldrin: Where are you going, Barney?
Barney Stinson: The beach. It's summer. Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere!

Barney Stinson: [about his fake son, Tyler] So I had to cast auditions, and I ended up with Grant.
Ted Mosby: He seems fine.
Barney Stinson: Oh, really? Watch this. Hey, Tyler.
["Tyler" doesn't respond]
Barney Stinson: Hey, Tyler. Hey, Tyler! Hey, Grant.
Grant: Yeah?
Barney Stinson: See? It's like amateur hour over here! Call me crazy, but child actors were way better in the '80s.

Grant: Meat loaf? Tyler no likey!
Barney Stinson: Tyler no likey? What did I tell you? You don't need a catchphrase!
Grant: But it's funny.
Barney Stinson: You know, you can be recast.

Marshall Eriksen: You're telling me that when you watch "The Karate Kid", you don't root for Daniel-san?
Ted Mosby: Who do you root for in "Die Hard"?
Barney Stinson: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He's the title character.
Lily Aldrin: What about "The Breakfast Club"?
Barney Stinson: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Robin Scherbatsky: I've got one. "The Terminator".
Barney Stinson: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn't get to kill all those people?
[Breaks down]
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry. I just get so emotional.
Ted Mosby: I am never watching a movie with you again.
Barney Stinson: They didn't even try to help him!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: A Change of Heart (#6.18)" (2011)

Marshall Eriksen: You got nothing on me.
Barney Stinson: The calzone?
Marshall Eriksen: Checkmate.

Lily Aldrin: Oooh, Barney's got feelings for a girl.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, penis feelings!

Barney Stinson: Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel, because she's got brothers.

Barney Stinson: Never ever meet a girl's parents.
Ted Mosby: Not even if she is hot?
Barney Stinson: Not even if her mom's hot!

Nora: I'm sorry I've been trying not to stare at your chest all night.
Barney Stinson: Hahaha, what's that like?

Dr. Kirby: [Reading Barney's heart monitor] What happened at 8:46 PM last night.?
Barney Stinson: Well let's see, Wheel of Fortune, naked push ups, naked chin ups... oh I was at dinner.
Nora: [At dinner] Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.
Barney Stinson: Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked... unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm
[gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]
Barney Stinson: ... what is it?
Nora: I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Sexless Innkeeper (#5.4)" (2009)

Ted Mosby: What the hell is "The Sexless Innkeeper"?
Barney Stinson: Ted, many a man- nay, many a soul has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?
Ted Mosby: Not really.
Barney Stinson: [continues with no pause] T'was the night before new year's, And the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, And I was stranded in Queens. The tavern grew empty, The gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...
Ted Mosby: [interrupts] Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?
Barney Stinson: [disgusted] Ted, it's a poem.
Barney Stinson: Last call was approaching, And my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left And stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard And weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings And swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream And threw up in my mouth. I asked, "where do you live?" And she said, "one block south." I swallowed my pride And six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the gods That she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, She found a sound sleeper. And thus she became The sexless innkeeper.
Barney Stinson: And so are you!

Ted Mosby: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney Stinson: No, not really.
Ted Mosby: [starts reciting regardless] T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney Stinson: [interrupts] With quill?
Ted Mosby: [explaining with sarcasm] Barney. It's a poem.
Ted Mosby: [contines] A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

Barney Stinson: Ah, tweed. Fabric of the eunuch.
Lily Aldrin: I've always wondered why tweed jackets have those elbow pads?
Barney Stinson: That's because people who wear tweed are always going...
[Puts head on hands and elbows on table]
Barney Stinson: Aw, gee. When will I get laid?

[after the double date between Lily and Marshall and Barney and Robin]
Lily Aldrin: Nailed it!
Marshall Eriksen: Best date night ever!
[They high five each other]
Barney Stinson: [Outside the door] Worst night ever!
[Robin mimes shooting herself in the head]

Barney Stinson: We're sorry we haven't been returning your calls, and we respect you too much to give you the old song-and-dance, so here's the truth. The US Navy has found intelligent life at the bottom of the ocean, and for reasons too complicated to explain, Robin and I have been chosen to lead the expedition.
Lily Aldrin: That's just like the kind of line you give your dates when you want to dump them.
Marshall Eriksen: But if it's true, that would be awesome.

Ted Mosby: Barney, are you wearing sweatpants?
Barney Stinson: Maybe, but they're Armani.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Arrivederci, Fiero (#2.17)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: [inching along at about 1 mph] This isn't right... God never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.
Ted Mosby: Relax, you're doing great. Ignore the old lady on the Rascal; this isn't a race.
Barney Stinson: *Guh* Dude! A dog!
Ted Mosby: Zitch-dog! Yes! One-Nothing.
Barney Stinson: Crap! Whaddo I do? Tell me what to do, Ted.
Ted Mosby: Step on the brake... Some time in the next twenty minutes...
Barney Stinson: Which... Which one's the brake again?
Ted Mosby: The left one.
Barney Stinson: Left. Left. Oh man, left. I'm totally blanking!
Ted Mosby: Just make the "L's" with your hands.
Barney Stinson: Ooooh! We're not gonna make it!
[Radio turns on]
Barney Stinson: Wah!
Ted Mosby: Why did you just turn on the radio?
Barney Stinson: I DON'T KNOW WHY I TURNED ON THE RADIO! We're gonna die, tell me what to do Ted!
Ted Mosby: Relax, you're being crazy!
Barney Stinson: Help me Ted!
Ted Mosby: Stop, drop, and roll.
Barney Stinson: Be serious! Stop, drop and roll? Just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do!
Ted Mosby: Throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip. Screaming is fun! Screaming is fuuuuuuun!
[Both scream]
Barney Stinson: Uh! I cant move. I can't... I can't feel my... Uh... We're okay...
Ted Mosby: We're okay.
Barney Stinson: It's a MIRACLE, Ted!

Lily Aldrin: So you made a life changing decision to not change your life at all.
Barney Stinson: True story.

Barney Stinson: How's the Fiero?
Marshall Eriksen: She's still in triage.
Ted Mosby: Wait a minute, she? I thought it was your little boy.
Lily Aldrin: It goes back and forth. It's like a trannie car.

Ted Mosby: That trip is when Marshall and I became best friends.
Barney Stinson: With privileges, from the sound of it.

Robin Scherbatsky: Sounds like you had quite an accident.
Ted Mosby: Actually, two accidents, if you count...
Barney Stinson: Homina, homina, homina!

Marshall Eriksen: Arrivederci, Fiero. You were the freakin' Giving Tree of cars.
Lily Aldrin: May you rust in peace.
Barney Stinson: Rot in Hell, devil steed.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Bachelor Party (#2.19)" (2007)

Barney: Alright, fine the stripper at Stuart's bachelor party was a fifteen.
Ted: She was fifteen?
Barney: A fifteen, like in Blackjack.
Ted: As in not sure whether or not you should hit it?
Barney: Exactly.
Ted: Niice.

Marshall Eriksen: It's my bachelor party. We're not having strippers.
Barney: Ahhhh, he thinks he has a say in it. So, strippers it is!

Robin Scherbatsky: Hey Barney, look what I got Lily for her shower. It's kinda racy, think you can handle it?
Barney: Uh, I've been in a ten-way, so yeah.

Ted: Barney, I want you to promise me. No strippers.
Barney: Okay, I promise.
[Winks]
Ted: I'm serious. No strippers.
Barney: So am I. No strippers.
[Winks]
Ted: Now say it without winking.
Barney: No strippers.
[Winks]
Ted: You just winked.
Barney: No, I didn't.
[Winks]

Marshall Eriksen: [watching videos that Barney brought for the bachelor party] Whoa, Morgan Freeman? He really is in everything.
Barney: Oh, damn. I grabbed the wrong "Deep Impact".

Marshall Eriksen: [after the stripper breaks her ankle] Now we'll have to spend my bachelor party in the hospital.
Barney: Then we'll see her X-rays. The ultimate stripping. X-rays? More like triple-X-rays.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Hopeless (#6.21)" (2011)

Jerry Whitaker: So, Saturday night? Time to cut loose, right? Who wants to split a beer?
Barney Stinson: Oh, we're not drinking here. Tonight, we're going big. Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's club Was, there's Wrong...
Marshall Eriksen: Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney Stinson: Oh no...
Marshall Eriksen: Oh No shut down too.
Ted Mosby: There's Where.
Jerry Whitaker: Where's Where?
Lily Aldrin: Where's where Was was, isn't it?
Barney Stinson: No, Was wasn't where Where was, Was was where Wrong was, right?
Jerry Whitaker: Ok...
Ted Mosby: Not OK, that place is lame.
Robin Scherbatsky: OK is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar... or is that wrong?
Marshall Eriksen: That's Wrong. That's not wrong.
Barney Stinson: Guys, focus.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, I like Focus! Let's go there.
Ted Mosby: Where?
Robin Scherbatsky: Not Where. Focus!
Lily Aldrin: I thought Focus was closed.
Barney Stinson: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it re-opened as Closed.
Marshall Eriksen: So Closed is open.
Robin Scherbatsky: No, Closed is closed.
Jerry Whitaker: I don't know! 3rd base, right?

Jerry Whitaker: You got to meet the right girl. Who knows? Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney Stinson: Maybe I've met her already.

Barney Stinson: Hey Jerry, do you really want to be out here like this?
Jerry Whitaker: Oh sorry small town preacher from the Midwest! Is there a law against dancing?

Barney Stinson: Robin, no one watches the news unless it's a car chase or a nip slip.

Barney Stinson: Tonight's gonna be Leden-Jerry!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Something Blue (#2.22)" (2007)

Wedding Videographer: [trying to get Barney to say something for the camera] Anything you want to say to the bride and groom?
Barney Stinson: [just been told Robin found an engagement ring while having dinner with Ted] Don't get married!

Barney Stinson: [wedding videographer tries again] Getting married... Having kids... It's all a mistake... Horibble, horibble mistake!
Wedding Videographer: God, this guy is giving me nothing!

Barney Stinson: [overhears Robin and Ted discussing a secret they have been keeping] Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what?

[last lines]
Barney: Yes! Yes! We're back! We... Are... Back! And Ted, my boy, it's gonna be legend - wait for it...

Barney: Ladies and Gentlemen- for the first time ever, Marshall Eriksen and Lily Aldrin!
Lily: Does it make you kinda sad that we don't share the same last name?
Marshall: You know- in a totally evolved, 21st century kinda way, yeah, a little.
Lily: You know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy- Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: I got it! You ready? You ready? Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son Totally, and their daughter Freakin'?
Lily: [laughs] I love you, Mr. Awesome.
Marshall: I love you, Mrs. Awesome.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Monday Night Football (#2.14)" (2007)

Barney: I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. Buck naked! Yeah! It's going to be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies!
[high-pitched]
Barney: What uuuuup!

Barney Stinson: High five!
Ted Mosby: Dude, we're at a wake.
Barney Stinson: Sorry. Solemn, low five.

Ted Mosby: Marshall, you're on beer detail. Lily, you're making the bean dip. Robin, you're on chips and pretzels. Barney, I'm giving you nothing to do so that you can work on your gambling problem.
Barney Stinson: Problem? Hey, Superman should really do something about his flying problem. Please! It's not a problem if you're awesome at it.

Barney Stinson: [handcuffs himself to Ted's radiator] Ted, swallow this key.
Ted Mosby: No.
Barney Stinson: You eat a lot of salads, It'll be out by gametime.
Ted Mosby: Again, no.

Barney Stinson: Emmitt Smith! Thank God!
Emmitt Smith: I get that a lot.
Barney Stinson: You gotta tell me! Who won the Super Bowl last night?
Emmitt Smith: That was last night? You know, once you win two or three of those, it's like... Eh.
Barney Stinson: But you're Emmitt Smith! What could be more important than the Super Bowl?
Emmitt Smith: Dance, my friend. Dance.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Sandcastles in the Sand (#3.16)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: Now, come one, pa-cow, you're the most awesome person I have ever known, well, the second most awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: Right, of course, the first being you.
Barney Stinson: No, no, the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror, what-up.

Barney Stinson: I'm sorry, I've seen "Let's Go To The Mall" about a thousand times, and you sir, were not in it.
Simon: I was in the other one.
Barney Stinson: There's another video?
[Runs out]

Marshall Eriksen: Did he - and I'm trying to put this as delicately as possible - did he take your maple leaf?
Robin Scherbatsky: No, nothing like that.
Barney Stinson: Did he give you your first O Canada face?
Narrator: This went on for quite a while. Some were sophisticated and elegant...
Lily Aldrin: Were the two of you really Inuit?
Narrator: Some were crude and ill-formed...
Ted Mosby: Something about bear traps.
Narrator: And some were obvious and needed to be said.
Barney Stinson: Did you ride his zamboni?
Marshall Eriksen: No, I think I'm all out.
Ted Mosby: Me too. I'm all out. Now I'm out.

Robin Scherbatsky: [at the Bar] Barney, do you wanna come back to my place?
Barney Stinson: Your place?
[Robin leans in and whispers in Barney ear; Barney looks shooked]
Barney Stinson: [in Robin's house, Robin playing with her hair like a 16 year old girl]
Barney Stinson: Are you sure you wanna do it?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah I am. Let's just not tell anyone about it.
Barney Stinson: Of course. So should I just put it in?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, why not?
[opens a video tape and puts it in the VCR]

Robin Scherbatsky: He was my first boyfriend. Simon. I thought he was the coolest guy ever. He smelled like Drakkar. He could ollie on a skateboard. And he had the most amazing collection of Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts. Ah... we spent the whole summer madly in love.
Barney Stinson: Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have car?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Mermaid Theory (#6.11)" (2010)

Ted Mosby: Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily Aldrin: Sorry, I'm ummmm... I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall Eriksen: Running the water.
Robin Scherbatsky: Holding the towel.
Barney Stinson: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

Barney Stinson: Told yah, The Mermaid Theory, it's a thing. You owe me five hundred bucks.
Marshall Eriksen: Did we bet on this?
Barney Stinson: Let's say yes.

Lily Aldrin: Whenever we're alone you spend the entire time undressing me with your eyes, you even take off my shoes.
Barney Stinson: High heels chafe my shoulders.

Lily Aldrin: Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed. Rule number one...
Barney Stinson: Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude.

Barney Stinson: [Explaining the Mermaid Theory] Mark my words, Marshall, someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Columns (#2.13)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh wow, a new dart!
Ted Mosby: Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin Scherbatsky: I did not know you were such a fan of "new dart", Barney!
Barney Stinson: Oh yes, Robyn, I just love "nude art"..."nude art"
Barney Stinson: [after an awkward stare from Marshall] "nude art"!
[laughs]
Marshall Eriksen: You found the painting, didn't you?

Barney Stinson: [after seeing the picture Lily painted of him] She left out little Barney... Barnickle Jr... My Barnana...

Lily Aldrin: [Trying to paint Barney with a sword in his hand] I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney Stinson: I get that a lot.

Barney Stinson: You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.
Lily Aldrin: Thank you!
Barney Stinson: I meant me.

Barney Stinson: In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Intervention (#4.4)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: The point is, marriage is stupid. Every year there are a million hot, new 22-year olds going into bars, and call me glass-half-full, but I think they're getting dumber.

[At Stuart's alcoholism intervention, Barney brings a bottle of liquor]
Barney Stinson: Happy birthday, Stewie! Time to let the big, green monster out of its cage.
Stuart: No!
Barney Stinson: Come on, dude. People don't want to see Bruce Banner, they want to see the Hulk. Hulk! Hulk! Hulk!...
[Robin whispers into Barney's ear]
Barney Stinson: What? That's what I get for skimming the e-vite.

Amber: [to Barney in his old man makeup] You're cute. How old are you?
Barney Stinson: Eighty-three. How old are you?
Amber: Thirty-one.
Barney Stinson: Oh!
[Gets up to leave]

Robin Scherbatsky: [in a thick Canadian accent] Stanley Cup. Game 6, eh? The Rangers are about to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.
Marshall: Hey, hey Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah?
Marshall: I'll give you 20 bucks if you can shoot it through this front door.
Robin Scherbatsky: [laughs] You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log. Timmy Ho!
[shoots a hockey puck]
Lily: [catches the puck] That's it Robin, give me the stick.
Robin Scherbatsky: I'll give you summer teeth. Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Oh Robin, give me the stick.
Robin Scherbatsky: Take off,
[shoves Lily]
Robin Scherbatsky: hoser.
Ted, Marshall, Barney: Woah!
Lily: That's it!
Barney: Hey, hey!
Marshall: Get her, get her!
Robin Scherbatsky: You wanna scrap, I'll scrap!
Ted: Guys, come on!
Marshall: For America!
Ted: All right, all right, break it up!
Robin Scherbatsky: Bring it on, bring it on!
Barney: Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!
[punches a hole in the wall and grunts]

Barney: [Enters the room] what the...?
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney this, is an intervention
Barney: What was that?
Marshall: Enough with the old man bit!
Barney: What about the old man pit?
Lily: Let it go!
Barney: Let it snow, oh boy I love that old Dougie.
Ted: I'm getting my flail.
Barney: Your setting sail?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Wedding Bride (#5.23)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: Baggage is the cornerstone of America's greatest national product.
Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin: Porn!
Barney Stinson: Actually, it's porn. No women works in porn without having major baggage.
Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky: [Saluting] Major Baggage.

Barney Stinson: There's only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint: a big, yellow bird lives on it.

Barney Stinson: Oh, go on honey. Kiss him
Narrator: Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
Barney Stinson: Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!...
Narrator: Still not saying kiss.
Usher: Sir, you need to leave. Now.
Barney Stinson: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

Ted Mosby: Royce!
Tony Grafanello: Stella!
Royce: Ted?
Stella Zinman: Tony!
Jed Moseley: Tony?
Barney Stinson: Ted?
Ted Mosby: Barney?

Ted Mosby: This doof in the red cowboy boots, this isn't me!
Barney Stinson: So just to be clear,you are saying that you don't have a pear of red cowboy boots in your closet ?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Garbage Island (#6.17)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: [refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

Barney Stinson: She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.

Barney Stinson: You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.

Lily Aldrin: You should work at a carnival.
Barney Stinson: I tried; they're pretty strict with backgrounds.

Barney Stinson: With great penis comes great responsibility.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Three Days Rule (#4.21)" (2009)

Ted Mosby: Check it out. I just got that girl's number. See? Holly.
Barney Stinson: Nice! Girls with "ly" at the end of their names are dirty. Carly, Shirly, Lily.
Marshall Eriksen: Hey!... all right, it's true.
Barney Stinson: Don't even get me started on girls whose name should end in "ly", but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller-coasters. You've got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't lose your keys.

Ted Mosby: The three days rule is stupid. I propose a new rule, the "you like her, you call her" rule.
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry, I don't speak "I never get laid".

Barney Stinson: [reading Ted's text message to Holly] "Texty Text"? Ted, what were you thinking?
Marshall Eriksen: We should tell him it's us.
Barney Stinson: Yes, we should. Or, we pretend we're Holly and mess with him.
Marshall Eriksen: Let's do that.

Ted Mosby: The three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney Stinson: Jesus.
Marshall Eriksen: Come on, don't do this. Don't bring in Jesus.
Barney Stinson: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he only had waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't even have heard that he died. They'd be all, like: "Hey, Jesus, what up?" Jesus would probably be, like: "What up? I died yesterday." And they'd be all: "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude." And then Jesus would explain about how he was all resurrected and how it was a miracle, and the dude would be, like: "Okay. Whatever you say, bro."

Barney Stinson: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, like: "Oh... Jesus is dead." Then - BAM! - he bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman. Because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Third Wheel (#3.3)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: The real Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
Marshall Eriksen: British words are cool. Also, their lawyers wear wigs. I wore a wig at work once and they laughed at me.

Robin Scherbatsky: I'm not shaving my legs for the first three dates. If I don't shave, I don't misbehave.
Barney Stinson: FYI, men don't care. They just want to get to the green, they don't mind going through the rough.

Ted Mosby: It's a tricycle.
Barney Stinson: No way!
Marshall Eriksen: What happened?
Barney Stinson: It's a tricycle.
Marshall Eriksen: No way!
Lily Aldrin: What happened?
Marshall Eriksen: It's a tricycle.
Lily Aldrin: I'm telling you now, all sorority girls are sluts.

Barney Stinson: I can't let you do this, Ted.
Ted Mosby: Why not?
Barney Stinson: Because the belt is my birthright. You can't ride the tricycle before me. It's like Jimmy Olsen beating Lex Luthor while Superman watches impotently in his bed.

Ted: Alright, I'm ready. Let's hit it.
Marshall: Can't go. Tournament.
Ted: What so you mean? I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got that low maintenance, just rolled out of bed look.
Marshall: Yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Something Borrowed (#2.21)" (2007)

Lily Aldrin: So instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. My mother owes someone money, and his daughter plays the harp.
Barney Stinson: Is she hot? Because then I can cross "harp player" off my list.
Ted Mosby: How long is this list?
Barney Stinson: I'm not telling you how many pages my list has. I'm not crass.
Lily Aldrin: It doesn't matter anyway, because she's pregnant.
Barney Stinson: Good. That way I can cross two things off my list.

Barney Stinson: Can I have your number?
Woman: I don't think so.
Barney Stinson: It's for the bride.
Woman: Oh, okay. I'll go get my pen.
Barney Stinson: The bride also wants you to walk slower.

Robin Scherbatsky: I thought you hated marriage. Why do you want to officiate the ceremony?
Barney Stinson: Because it subliminally implants the suggestion that whenever I ask a question, the answer is always, "I do."

Barney Stinson: Excuse me, you gentlemen dropped something... your jaws! Because Barney Stinson is about to aid and abet in a marriage.

Marshall Eriksen: My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!
Barney Stinson: [laughing] You totally do! And not even the good Backstreet Boys, but the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys.
Ted Mosby: "... Good Backstreet Boys?"

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Definitions (#5.1)" (2009)

Robin Scherbatsky: Look, Barney's awesome.
Barney Stinson: And Robin's more than awesome. She's awe-some-more. She's even awe-quite-a-lot.

Barney Stinson: [about the whip Marshall gave Ted] That is the Dominator 8000. The best in the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.

Lily Aldrin: You have to have the talk.
Barney Stinson: Name one good reason.
Lily Aldrin: I can think of twen...
Barney Stinson: Wow, you can't even think of one. Deer, headlights.

Barney Stinson: Question: How to make sure your date doesn't become your girlfriend? The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins.
Ted Mosby: Gremlins?
Barney Stinson: Rule 1: Never get them wet; in other words, don't let her shower at your place. Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight; i.e., never see then during the day. Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight; meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever!
Ted Mosby: What about brunch. Is brunch cool?
Barney Stinson: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.

Ted Mosby: I am freaking out! I don't think I can do this!
Barney Stinson: OK, look, mistake number one, was taking that girl's question! You don't take questions on the first day, it shows weakness! Mistake number two... was you should have hit that! Dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom of people to cheer you on, and you can't knock her up, because it's a dream! Class dismissed!
Marshall Eriksen: Mistake number three, dude, where was the hat? Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Platinum Rule (#3.11)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Club soda can get anything off.

Barney Stinson: You've heard of the Golden Rule, "Love Thy Neighbor"?
Ted Mosby: Actually, the Golden Rule is "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Done To You" It's from a little thing called The Bible?
Barney Stinson: Ted, dude! I had this whole thing where the Golden Rule is "Love Thy Neighbor", so bear with me, okay? You know the Golden Rule, but what you don't know is that there's a rule above it, The Platinum Rule: You can love your neighbor, but under no circumstances do you ever, ever, ever, ever *love* thy neighbor.

Barney Stinson: Step Four is Purg - wait for it... wait for it... keep waiting until you realize there's no escape - atory.

Robin Scherbatsky: We can split a cab to work together, we always have a standing lunch date, and last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room and I met Mason Raymond.
[gang looks clueless]
Robin Scherbatsky: Left wing for the Vancouver Canucks!
Barney Stinson: What's the opposite of name-dropping?

Barney: My Own Bar. I can't hit on women in my own bar. Remember the old Barney? He was a lion. The king of the jungle. Stalking whatever prey he chose. Going in for the kill.
Ted: You've got a whole meat locker at home full of corpses, don't you?
Barney: Now look at me. Declawed, neutered. What was once my jungle is now my zoo and I am forced to mate with the same old lioness... again and again while families pay to watch.
Ted: Yeah this metaphors really falling apart
Barney: Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly kids... for I am just a docile house cat now. Meow

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Big Days (#6.1)" (2010)

Ted Mosby: [Barney has just called dibs on a hot girl Ted asked him to make a short glance at. Ted is not amused] You can't call dibs on a girl that I've been sitting here thinking about eventually talking to at some point!
Barney Stinson: You never called dibs.
Ted Mosby: Dibs were implied!
Barney Stinson: "Implied" dibs?
Ted Mosby: Yeah!
Barney Stinson: Ted, you are spitting on the grave of Sir Walter Dibs, inventor of the dib. It was 1652, the SS Dibs was lost at sea...
Ted Mosby: [Ted interrupts him] I don't have time for a fake history lesson, so I'll keep this simple: You go over there and talk to that girl, I'll see you in court.
Barney Stinson: Who's gonna represent you? Dibs-on-Marshall's-my-lawyer!

Barney Stinson: Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all down hill from here.

Ted Mosby: [about a girl at the bar] She's got her shields up anyway; she's reading a book.
Barney Stinson: Yeah! At a bar! The book might as well be called Are Ya There Barney? It's Me Horny. That is not what "shields up" looks like.
[Enter Robin disheveled]
Barney Stinson: THAT is what "shields up" looks like.

Barney Stinson: Oh yeah? Be my guest. Fall in love with her, get married. Just know this, when I step up to make my toast as your best man?
Ted Mosby: Actually Marshall will probably be my...
Barney Stinson: [Cutting him off] AS YOUR BEST MAN!

Barney Stinson: Dude you are so in, a high five doesn't cut it. High Six!
Ted Mosby: She didn't see us High Six did she?
Robin Scherbatsky: No.
Barney Stinson: Good. That was pretty lame.
Ted Mosby: Yeah, let's never do that again.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Three Days of Snow (#4.13)" (2009)

Ted Mosby: Please, just keep the bar open a little longer. We'll close for you.
Carl: You two? No way! You don't know the first thing about running a bar.
Barney Stinson: Serve the hotties first?
Carl: Here's the keys.

Barney Stinson: Let's go, people! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. I've always wanted to say that. I mean, in a bar. I say it all the time at home.

Barney Stinson: We're not the "We love your music, let's sleep together" guys. We're the older guys whose approval they now crave.
Ted Mosby: So, we're their dads?
Barney Stinson: Exactly.

Barney Stinson: "Totally! Awesome!" College girls sound so stupid.
Ted Mosby: Totally.
Barney Stinson: Awesome.

Melissa: Thank God you're open. I don't know if you've seen Star Wars, but it's like Hoth outside.
Ted Mosby: Dibs.
Amanda: It's like the bar I used to go to with my dad, before he passed away.
Barney Stinson: And dibs.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Cleaning House (#6.2)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: You don't think I can't talk you into helping me pack? I once got the Queen to fist pump me.
Ted Mosby: Dude, no one believes that story.
Lily Aldrin: Maybe you can convince those brain surgeons you pick up to believe you, but it won't work on us.
[Barney adjusts his collar, cracks his knuckles and clears his throat; cut to the guys packing at Barney's mother's house]
Lily Aldrin: How does he do that?

Lily Aldrin: [Seeing James and Sam hug] This must be so hard for Barney.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, but he took a big step today.
Barney Stinson: Papa!
[Hugs James and Sam]
Marshall Eriksen: Uh-oh.

Barney Stinson: Oh, my God, this explains why I'm so good at basketball. Guys, I'm black! Sorry, African-American. No, I'm allowed to say either.

Barney Stinson: Ted, capture this moment.
Ted Mosby: I think you'll need Salvador Dali to capture this particular moment, but I'll give it a whirl.

Barney Stinson: The coach made me leave the team because it was not fair for the other kids. Right, James?
James Stinson: Oh, yeah. He was the best. He could throw inside, he could throw outside...
[Barney leaves]
James Stinson: He sucked. Mom just said that to spare his feelings.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Good Crazy (#7.22)" (2012)

Marshall Eriksen: Hope Lily's okay.
Barney Stinson: Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.
Marshall Eriksen: Motion denied.
Barney Stinson: Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I... will wear this.
[shows Ducky Tie]
Marshall Eriksen: [In awe] The... the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away!
Barney Stinson: I did... it came back.

Marshall Eriksen: [to waitress] Excuse me miss, when you get the chance can you bring me 100 shots of tequila please?
Barney Stinson: I'll have the same.

Barney Stinson: How's the single life?
Ted Mosby: I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low.
Barney Stinson: Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty nine?

Marshall Eriksen: So there's no baby boot camp at the Paramus Waldorf?
[Barney shakes his head]
Marshall Eriksen: Is there even a Paramus Waldorf?
Barney Stinson: [gives him a weird look] Bro.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Showdown (#2.20)" (2007)

Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, I didn't know you were such a fan of The Price is Right!
Barney Stinson: Are you kidding? TPIR is not just an indescribably entertaining hour of television, it's a microcosm of our entire economic system - a capitalist utopia, where consumers are rewarded for their persistence, market acumen, and intrepid spirit. I gaze upon the glory of The Price is Right, and I see the face of America, and it is divine. Plus, you know, hot girls on sports cars.

Barney Stinson: So you and Lily really think you can spend two weeks apart?
Marshall Eriksen: Y'know Barney, Lily and I are a lot less cheesy than you make us out to be.
Lily Aldrin: Hey Marshmallow, don't forget to pack my night-night tape.
Barney Stinson: Night-night tape? Did you make a tape of you saying "night-night" to her?
Lily Aldrin: He doesn't say it. He sings it.
Barney Stinson: Oh, that is so sweet! Why don't you kiss, I love it when two chicks make out.

Barney Stinson: You guys know how it's hard to be friends with me because I'm so awesome?
Ted Mosby: Uh, yes, it's hard to be friends with you. Go on.

Robin Scherbatsky: Why in the world do you think Bob Barker is your father?
Barney Stinson: Uh, because my mother told me he was, that's why.
Young Barney: [flashback] Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's Mother: Oh, I don't know.
Barney's Mother: [points at The Price is Right on TV] That guy.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Challenge Accepted (#6.24)" (2011)

Robin Scherbatsky: I guess I get it.
Barney Stinson: What do you mean?
Robin Scherbatsky: No matter how bad things got, Ted really did loved Zoey for a minute there. Didn't he?
Barney Stinson: Yeah... he did. And she loved him, too. Didn't she?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yes, she did.

Ted Mosby: It's just, there are so many decisions be made. What if I make all the wrong ones and the building just sucks?
Barney Stinson: Not possible. Your building is new. And I have one rule: New is always better.
Ted Mosby: You can't keep changing your one rule if they're always different rules.
Barney Stinson: Ahhh... but "New is always better" is my oldest rule, which makes it the best.

Robin Scherbatsky: [Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson: [to each other] She means you.

Ted Mosby: Do you know how many people it takes to change fifty-thousand light bulbs?
Barney Stinson: Are these people Irish? Polish? Blondes? What are we dealing with here?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: We're Not from Here (#3.2)" (2007)

[Robin's recent relationship with an Argentinean named Gael and her switch to more natural habits after her trip are being discussed by the characters at the bar]
Barney: Please... vacation romances have an expiration date. Gael's got a 'best if banged by' sticker on him. Once your romance starts to stink, you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk, and go back to being "unevolved Robin", the one we actually like. Back me up here, Ted.
Ted: I'm just happy Robin's happy.
Barney: I'm telling you: Within three days...
[Gael approaches]
Lily: Oh, here he comes - switch to big words.
Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin Scherbatsky: My journey was transformative, and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour, and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: This is all going to return to masticate you in the gluteals. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Marshall: I am such a jerk.
Barney: Yeah. Wait, why?

Barney: We are moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers.

Barney: [looking at Robin's travel photos] Whoa. Are you topless? Ted, check this out.
Ted: Seen 'em.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Spoiler Alert (#3.8)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Trust me, you need to see this.
Marshall Eriksen: What is so important that I have to see it right now?
Barney Stinson: It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall Eriksen: Why would I want to see that? Why would I need to see that? Why should exposing my eyes and brain to something so disgusting possibly make my life better?
Barney Stinson: It's a dog pooping on a baby!

Barney Stinson: [on Marshall's grocery list] This is like the list a ten-year-old would make when his mom left him alone for the weekend.
Lily Aldrin: Who would leave a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney Stinson: Like your mom was so perfect.

Barney Stinson: There's another one called "Golden Reliever", where this dog...
Lily Aldrin: We can guess.

Barney Stinson: [to Marshall] Just do a quick Google search on "caca spaniel".

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Swarley (#2.7)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: One time I met a girl... at this very bar...
[flashback]
Barney Stinson: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough...
[further flashback]
Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney Stinson: Anything.
Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some?
Barney Stinson: Of course...
Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels!
[back... to reality]
Ted Mosby: So, did you do it ?
Barney Stinson: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair.
Ted Mosby: Which one were you ?
Barney Stinson: [looking askance] I'd rather not say.

Ted Mosby: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall Eriksen: Yep.
Barney Stinson: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted Mosby: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Ted Mosby: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name!
[in a sing-song voice]
Ted Mosby: Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney Stinson: [In a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Marshall Eriksen: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
Ted Mosby: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
Barney Stinson: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...
[sees Marshall and Ted smile]
Barney Stinson: Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar!
[leaves the coffee shop angerly]
Ted Mosby: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall Eriksen: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.

Barney Stinson: [about the girl Marshall's going on a date with] She's got the... 'Crazy Eyes'.
Ted Mosby: Dude... the eyes... they're CRAZY.
Marshall Eriksen: What are you guys talking about; the 'Crazy Eyes'?
Barney Stinson: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted Mosby: Nope, just pupils.
Barney Stinson: It's an indicator of future mental instability

Ted Mosby: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric; is it foreign or something?
Barney Stinson: Wow... it is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted! It's Moroccan, actually.
Ted Mosby: Whoa...
Carl: [Carl interrupts from the bar] I've got a phone call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
Barney Stinson: [to Ted] You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: As Fast as She Can (#4.23)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: Give it a week. You'll get her back. And her front. Oh! Did you feel that? It felt like a what-up quake.

Marshall Eriksen: He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.
Barney Stinson: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it.
Robin Scherbatsky: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats.
Marshall Eriksen: That is...
Barney Stinson: A big, fat check!
Ted Mosby: Yeah, he didn't write me a check.

Barney Stinson: Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper to pay me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket. Challenge accep... wait for it...
[Points at Ted]
Ted Mosby: I don't get it.
[Barney points to head in "think about it" gesture]
Ted Mosby: Oh, accep-ted!

Robin Scherbatsky: [after Barney's story of how a female officer stripped for him] No, false! Did not happen!
Marshall Eriksen: That was a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
Barney Stinson: When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is that my life has better lighting?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Murtaugh (#4.19)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: If you did all the things on this list, I would call that a fun weekend.
Ted Mosby: Are you kidding? If you did all the things on the list, you'd be dead. That's not a chall...
Barney Stinson: Challenge accepted! For the next 24 hours, I will do everything on this list. If I do, Ted will come with me and TP the laser tag.
Ted Mosby: And if you can't?
Barney Stinson: I will listen to you talk about architecture for three hours.
Ted Mosby: Agreed. Robin, will you do the honors?
Robin Scherbatsky: [Holds Ted's and Barney's arms as they shake hands] Gentlemen's agreement!
Barney Stinson: Okay, chumps, let's do this. Barneeey ah-Stinsonnn!

Barney Stinson: You cannot believe what happened to me at laser tag today.
Ted Mosby: Everyone freaked out because a grown man was scaring their children?
Barney Stinson: No! Well, actually, yeah.

Ted Mosby: Barney, what happened to your ear? It looks like a jack o'lantern in November third.
Barney Stinson: This? It's just a little infech. Nothing a young man like me can't shake off.

Barney Stinson: My ear hurts so bad, I can hear it. I can hear my own ear. Think about that.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Belly Full of Turkey (#1.9)" (2005)

[about having to do community service after being caught urinating in public]
Barney: I was unfarely punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk!
Ted: [happily] You *are* evil!
Robin: All is right with the world again.

Barney: Okay, Ted. I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter. Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.

Barney: It's a thanks-tini, cranberry juice, potato vodka, and... a boullion cube.

Ted: [together with Robin sees Barney among the volunteers at a Thanksagiving shelter dinner for the homeless] Barney!
Barney: Hi, guys!
Ted: What are you doing here?
Barney: Just the Lord's work.
Ted: But you're Satan!
Barney: Guys! Ok. Look. I don't advertise it but I volunteered here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Where Were We? (#2.1)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story

Barney Stinson: For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it's going to be *legendary*. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, we'll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, *we will be* there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, "What's up, New York," *we* will be what is up New York.

Ted Mosby: [On the phone] Oh hey, where are you guys?
Barney Stinson: We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.
Ted Mosby: Stripclub... nice.

Barney Stinson: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be out here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor removed.
Ted Mosby: You should write and illustrate children's books.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Return of the Shirt (#1.4)" (2005)

Barney: I can see Robin's nickels.

Barney: [after Robin refuses to say 'booger' on the news] What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news: old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.

Lily: Why would Natalie hang up on you?
Ted: I don't know.
Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No.
Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?
Ted: No.
Barney: I'm losing interest in your story.

Ted: Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think?
Barney: You dumped a pornstar? Friendship over.
Barney: [Stands up and shouts in Ted's face] Friendship over!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Rebound Bro (#3.18)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: I'm making you my new masterpiece. When I first met Ted, he was a bigger loser than you.
Randy: What a loser.
Barney Stinson: And that's why tonight, I will make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen.
Randy: Well, it's gonna be easier than you think. I have been reading your blog for years. You are like a god to me. That is why tonight is going to be legendary... wait for it... dary.

Barney Stinson: So you had a drink thrown in your face. Happens to me all the time. Pretty soon you will be able to anticipate it, and when you do... free drink.

Barney Stinson: [nerdy Randy wants to be Barney's new "wing man"] No offense, Randy, but there's a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is "Vice-President of Awesome", and you're like, Assistant Under-Secretary of Only Okay".

Barney Stinson: Randy, without looking at your hand, tell me the three beginner techniques for picking up women.
Randy: Isolate her from her friends, repeat her name in conversation, and put her down.
Barney Stinson: Excelent!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: 46 Minutes (#7.14)" (2012)

Stripper Lily: [Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians] We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
Robin Scherbatsky: [thought] Please God, no!
Barney Stinson: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore!
Butterfly Knife: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

Barney Stinson: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted Mosby: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney Stinson: I'm your two best friends!

Barney Stinson: Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!

Kevin: Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?
Robin Scherbatsky: Something terrible happened...
Kevin: Are they okay? Are they in the hospital?
Barney Stinson: No, somewhere much, much worse...
Marshall Eriksen: Long Island!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Possimpible (#4.14)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: All my life I have dared to go past what is possible.
Interviewer: To the impossible?
Barney Stinson: Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to become... the possimpible.
Lily Aldrin: [Sarcastic] The possimpible? Really?
Barney Stinson: Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision-Visitivity.

Robin Scherbatsky: I can't break 15 bricks with my forehead.
Barney Stinson: Robin, it's not 1950 anymore. Yes, you can.

Barney Stinson: That's what corporate America wants: people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything.

Barney Stinson: Lottery girl's on!
Robin Scherbatsky: I just feel sorry for these women. This is where broadcast careers go to die.
Barney Stinson: Check it out, I made a little game.
Lottery Girl: And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19...
Robin Scherbatsky: Age you moved to New York after a photographer "discovered" you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine.
Lottery Girl: 53...
Robin Scherbatsky: Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine.
Lottery Girl: 22...
Robin Scherbatsky: Age you claim you are.
Lottery Girl: 31...
Robin Scherbatsky: Age you actually are.
Lottery Girl: 45...
Robin Scherbatsky: Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi.
Lottery Girl: And tonight's Super Big Ball is...
Barney Stinson: What happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Home Wreckers (#5.20)" (2010)

Ted Mosby: This is going to be the home I share with my future wife.
Barney Stinson: Is she in the room with us now, Ted?

Ted Mosby: The auction was yesterday, my bid was accepted and I signed the papers this morning!
Barney Stinson: Was the Blair Witch easy to deal with or did she haggle over closing costs?

Barney Stinson: She's a cougar, Ted!
Robin Scherbatsky: I thought you said you can't be a cougar if you're over 50.
Barney Stinson: She's a Mellencamp.

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Your mom and I got to second base.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Fight (#4.10)" (2008)

Ted Mosby: I think we should go someplace else. In this bar I will always be known as the guy who was left at the altar. It sucks.
Barney Stinson: Good Times.
Ted Mosby: Uh-oh, we lost Barney.
Robin Scherbatsky: What'ya mean?
Lily Aldrin: There's a woman over there in a tight red sweater, and he's not listening to a word we're saying.
Barney Stinson: Gimme a Break!
Ted Mosby: Long ago, he learned that he can fake a conversation by listing black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Right, Barney?
Barney Stinson: What's Happenin'?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Wanna go with me and do stuff that I don't even let Marshall do to me?
Barney Stinson: Diff'rent Strokes!

Barney Stinson: There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit - nine for ten
[kisses fist, aims it high]
Barney Stinson: ... and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit.

Ted Mosby: I can't go to prison! Although I could get a lot of reading done, finally write some short stories, work out all the time... Seriously, if I don't come out of there totally ripped...
Barney Stinson: Ted, we can't go to prison! People get shivved in the joint! Plus the meals are really starchy.

Barney Stinson: Take a good look at this face, because next time you see it, it will be disfigured in the hottest way possible. Because I'm a man, and that's what I do. I get down and dirty.
[takes off coat]
Barney Stinson: Could you please hang this for me?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Time Travelers (#8.20)" (2013)

[repeated line]
Barney: Ted, jus'... jus'... okay?

Barney Stinson: It's gonna be legen... wait 20 years for it!...
Twenty-Years-From-Now-Barney: ...dary!
Barney Stinson, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Barney: Legendary!

[Ted and Barney have just talked to the versions of them "20 years from now" and are about to go to "Robots vs. Wrestlers," but are stopped by another version of Ted]
Ted Mosby: Not so fast. Barney, Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney, 20-Years-From-Now-Ted...
Barney Stinson: Who are you?
Ted Mosby: I'm 20-Hours-From-Now-Ted. And you bastards aren't going anywhere.

[last lines]
[Ted, Barney, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Ted, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Barney, Twenty-Hours-From-Now-Ted, Twenty-Minutes-From-Now-Barney performs a choir version of Billy Joel's "The Longest Time"]
Twenty-Years-From-Now-Barney: Okay, guys, I've been waiting twenty years for this. Just like we practiced, no mistakes. Ready? One, two, oh, one, two, three, four!
All: [singing] Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Twenty-Hours-From-Now-Ted: For the longest...
All: For the longest time! Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Twenty-Hours-From-Now-Ted: For the longest...
All: For the longest time! If you say goodbye to me tonight.
Twenty-Minutes-From-Now-Barney: Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Barney Stinson, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Ted: There would still be music left to write!
Ted Mosby, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Barney: Dum-dum-dum-dum...
Twenty-Hours-From-Now-Ted, Twenty-Minutes-From-Now-Barney: Aah-aah-aah-aah!
Barney Stinson, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Ted: What else could I do? I'm so inspired by you.
All: That hasn't happened for the longest time!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: World's Greatest Couple (#2.5)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
Lily Aldrin: Marshall does not porn.
Barney Stinson: Ha ha ha, that's sweet.

Lily Aldrin: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
Barney Stinson: [Points to wall] See that wall?
[Turns on TV]
Barney Stinson: 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
Lily Aldrin: It hurts my eyes...
Barney Stinson: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Barney Stinson: Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours... fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!
Lily Aldrin: Ewwww... is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say 'gimme multiple high-fives'!
Barney Stinson: Wow, you really are desperate.
Lily Aldrin: I really am.

Ted Mosby: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin Scherbatsky: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted Mosby: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin Scherbatsky: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney Stinson: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney Stinson: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Doppelgangers (#5.24)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
[Barney opens their door]
Barney Stinson: You guys bangin'?
Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen: Whaaaaaa!
Barney Stinson: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted Mosby: [Enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here.
[Marshall and Lily scream]
Ted Mosby: Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up.
Robin Scherbatsky: [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again] This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010.
[Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

Barney Stinson: Kids? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot better!

Marshall Eriksen: But you were the fifth doppelganger! How can you be... you? I called you, we had a whole conversation, Barney, what happened?
Barney Stinson: Ah, yes. I know what happened. People at work have this very strange expectation that I, well, work. I know, I know. So to make my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks, I decided to record a special recording.
Marshall Eriksen: How can it be a recording, you called me Big Chief, my special workplace nickname?
Barney Stinson: Oh, buddy.

Barney Stinson: No! Time out! This is a group decision! You can't just move to Chicago unless we all say it's okay!
Ted Mosby: Barney, I think this has to be Robin's...
Barney Stinson: Stay out of this Brigitte Nielsen or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Zoo or False (#5.19)" (2010)

Ted Mosby: No way! You did not tell her that you were the first man to walk on the moon! That was seven years before you were born!
Barney Stinson: Ted. Baby doll. Minor hurdle.

Barney Stinson: I think Marshall doesn't want people to think he was mugged by a monkey, because it would make him look like a big joke.
Marshall Eriksen: Would it?
Barney Stinson: The biggest, because it's so funny.

Lisa: You poor thing...
Sarah: Neil... Neil... Neil!
Barney Stinson: Lady my name's not Neil its Barr-gaaaaagaa
Lisa: Why are you calling him Neil?
Sarah: Because he's Neil Armstrong.
Lisa: The cyclist?

Sarah: I thought you were supposed to be on a shuttle mission.
Lisa: I thought you just got mugged.
Barney Stinson: Okay, I can do this... I was on my way to the launch pad, when I was mugged... and the mugger took my space shuttle keys! Nailed it, who's up for a threeway?
[girls throw drinks in his face]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Girls Vs. Suits (#5.12)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys] Hey.
Karina: [Curtly] What do you want?
Barney Stinson: Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a-
[realizes what she just said]
Barney Stinson: Wait, whaaat?
Karina: Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Barney Stinson: [Caught off-guard] Um...
Karina: I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face?
[cheerfully, at another guy]
Karina: Hey, Bobby! What do you want?

Barney Stinson: Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.

Barney Stinson: [about picking world peace over his suits] I'm gonna stop you right there. It's the suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.

Tim Gunn: Your suits death is another suits life.
Barney Stinson: Do it.
Barney Stinson: You're doing the right thing.
[Barney sobs]
Barney Stinson: Please don't cry on this - it's silk.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Blitzgiving (#6.10)" (2010)

Zoey Pierson: Barney was here? I was walking around half naked.
Barney Stinson: Aw Man! Wait which half?

Barney Stinson: Robin! Robin! I will pay you to be the Blitz. A hundred dollars, no! Ten thousand dollars, no! Sixty bucks. What's a lot of money to someone like you?

Barney Stinson: You're all the Blitz! I slept with that cute Indian girl that cuts my hair.
Robin Scherbatsky: What does that have to do with anything?
Barney Stinson: Nothing I just forgot to brag about it before!

Barney Stinson: You can't go now! It's the night before Thanksgiving! College chicks are back in town. Their mom just made a snide comment about the weight they gained. They called her a bitch, but deep down they know she's right. And they're about to walk through that door, where we will be waiting with some light beer and some rock hard approval. WHA-WHAT! U-UP!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Come On (#1.22)" (2006)

Barney: Ted, you're forcing me to be the voice of reason! It's not a good image for me!

Ted Mosby: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted Mosby: There's this girl and I...
Penelope: "There's this girl"? You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the Great Spirit looks to kindly on white dudes who coopt it to get laid.
Ted Mosby: This is the girl I love. If it doesn't rain this weekend, she'll end up with the wrong guy. Please.
Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?
Ted Mosby: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kinda like Barney?
Ted Mosby: Kinda.
Barney: Hey!
Penelope: You hit on my mom.
Barney: We weren't exclusive.
Penelope: I'm in.

Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex twice in your car and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!

Penelope: [Showing how to do a rain dance] Okay, crouch down and bend over a little bit.
Barney: Wow, it took 5 shots of tequila to get you in that position.
Penelope: I will throw you off this roof.
Barney: So much of your mom in you.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Glitter (#6.9)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [Coaching Ted on how to get Punchy to leave his apartment] You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn't work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the château. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped.
Ted Mosby: Okay, yeah I know...
Barney Stinson: You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.

Barney Stinson: SCIENCE! There is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. Think about it, proms, weddings, grandmas funerals... Thanks for the redhead Nana. The everyday boutonniere, by Stinson.
Robin Scherbatsky: Aaaand nope!

Barney Stinson: [about the show Robin did as her teen pop-star alter-ego Robin Sparkles; "the Space Teens] Space? Teens? Is this a porno?

Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you're wearing a flower.
Barney Stinson: Thank You!
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't compliment, just observed.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Yips (#3.10)" (2007)

Ted Mosby: You go to a gym, don't you?
Barney Stinson: I go to World Fitness, but I don't go to work out.
Ted Mosby: You don't?
Barney Stinson: No, I go to invest.
Barney Stinson: [at the gym] There's one of my investments. Hey, Sheila! Looking good!
Ted Mosby: You invest in women?
Barney Stinson: I invest in women who - How can I put this delicately? - They fat! I give them the attention they don't get now, and when they get hot, who do they come to? The guy who gave them attention back when they weren't.
Ted Mosby: I don't know if I should be disgusted or impressed.

Barney Stinson: That was the day I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode out into the world Armani-clad and fully awesome.

Barney Stinson: But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking.

Barney Stinson: [At the Victoria's Secret after-party] Remember, this is not a regular season game. This is the World Series. So remember, we work together as a team, and if anyone sees Heidi Klum, dibs.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Zip, Zip, Zip (#1.14)" (2006)

Barney: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.

Robin Scherbatsky: I hope you're ready for some hardcore battleship.
Barney: Hardcore - that's the only way I play.

Barney: [to Robin] You suited-up!

Robin Scherbatsky: [Barney undresses in front of her] What the hell are you doing?
Barney: I'm birthday-suiting-up!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Karma (#7.18)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [Having spent some good time with Karma, Barney has just discovered that she is using the same routine on everybody else] Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I've told some outrageous lies. I have told women that I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness...

Ted Mosby: Maybe it's destiny?
Barney Stinson: Nah, Destiny strips at the Melon Patch. They're people Ted, try to keep 'em straight.

Barney Stinson: What am I going to do about this Quinn thing? I want to ask her out again but I don't know how I feel about her being a stripper.
Ted Mosby: Why would you have an issue with that? You've dated convicted felons, arms dealers... pageant moms?

Ted Mosby: It's not a date, it's you going to a strip club paying for lap dances!
Barney Stinson: If it's not a date, why'd she say that every fifth dance is free?
Ted Mosby: Because that's the Lusty Leopard's policy on Friday nights, and I'm so mad at you that I know that!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Rebound Girl (#7.11)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: I wish men could have children on their own, like seahorses!

Barney Stinson: You know what would kick ass?
Ted Mosby: Being gay?
Barney Stinson: Being gay!

Barney Stinson: A kid needs a pet cobra. Ted don't be pill about this.

Barney Stinson: [Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom] Are we still friends?
Robin Scherbatsky: Hope.
Barney Stinson: Good.
[sits on bathtub]
Barney Stinson: 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby.
[scoffs]
Barney Stinson: Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?
Robin Scherbatsky: ...I'm pregnant.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Farhampton (#8.1)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [after Quinn finds out Barney dated Robin and gives him exactly 1 minute to explain himself] Barney: Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said "oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Haaave You me Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't, lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends, lame. Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either, lame. Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud. Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy!

[Ted needs Barney to seduce Klaus' sister on the phone]
Barney Stinson: Hey, baby, it's not cheating if it's on the phone?
Quinn Garvey: Say what now?
Barney Stinson: Quinn's on board!

[Later on, after meeting Robin's boyfriend, Nick]
Quinn Garvey: Baby, it's not cheating if I lay down on the bar and let him do shots off my belly, right?
Barney Stinson: Say what now?
Quinn Garvey: Barney's on board!

Barney Stinson: [after getting a call from Ted asking if he can try to seduce one of Victoria's bridesmaids so Ted can sneak in and leave Victoria's note to Klaus] Challenge accepted! Honey it's not cheating if it's on the phone right?
Quinn Garvey: Say what now?
Barney Stinson: Quinn's on board!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Who Wants to Be a Godparent (#8.4)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: If Ted raises him the poor kids still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. I'm the obvious choice.
Robin Scherbatsky: Hey look, as the only one here packin a vag I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that plus I could teach him how to bow hunt!

Barney Stinson: [Dressed up as a sailor, singing at Marshall and Lily's door] Bro bro bro your broat, gently to the bar. Hit on some sluts then do 10 shots...
[Marshall shuts the door on him]

Barney Stinson: [Dressed up as a farmer,singing at Marshall and Lily's door] Bro MacDonald had a farm, ee i ee i bro. And on that farm he had some chicks, eei ee i bro. With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...
[Marshall shuts the door on him]

Barney Stinson: You know, I should have told you about that six-and-a-half sooner. Barney Stinson banging anything less than an eight? That's like a fifteen!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Dowisetrepla (#3.7)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: I met a girl last night.
Ted Mosby: Really?
Barney Stinson: She's so perky, and full of life, and not at all fake.
Ted Mosby: You are talking about her boobs, right?
Barney Stinson: Si... and that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. Wuddupppppp!

Ted Mosby: Barney, what are you doing? You can't take this apartment from Marshall and Lily.
Barney Stinson: You think I have no morals whatsoever? I'm only pretending to live here so I can take this woman here, nail her and never have to see her again. I'm not a monster.

Meg: Who are these people?
Barney Stinson: They're my parents.
Meg: Your parents are Asian?
Barney Stinson: They're a Chinese couple who wanted a little white boy. It works both ways.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Say Cheese (#5.18)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [Barney brags about his usual picture pose] I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing... unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.

Barney Stinson: It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture - I don't know why, just ask God.

Barney Stinson: The camera loves me Robin - more than loves me the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Life Among the Gorillas (#1.17)" (2006)

[Barney is singing karaoke and Marshall cuts the music]
Barney: Dude, Rocckupied.

Barney: [to Marshall] Look at you. You suited in an unmistakably upward direction.

Barney: [about what was wrong with Marshall's high-five] Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Marshall: Wow, that was... *really* specific.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Natural History (#6.8)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [Explaining his childhood antics at the Natural History Museum] So, naturally I snapped the rip off of a triceratops, bloppidy bloppidy blue, I knocked down the whale.

Robin Scherbatsky: [Barney and Robin have just been summoned to the Natural History Museum security office for pulling off pranks. An unexpected revelation about Barney's uncle actually being his father hits him hard] So, when was the last time you saw him?
Barney Stinson: It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin Scherbatsky: [scoffs] Moms.
Barney Stinson: He never came around anymore after the fact. Think he moved away.
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you know...
Barney Stinson: You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad.
[long pause]
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, do you wanna...
Barney Stinson: [emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?

Robin Scherbatsky: You wanna dance? Let's dance.
Barney Stinson: I live for the dance.
Robin Scherbatsky: Get your other hand, off my ass.
Barney Stinson: Sorry, sorry.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Broath (#7.19)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Complaining] Barney!
Barney Stinson: The two ladies will kiss!
Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her] Uh, Lily.
Lily Aldrin: Sorry.
Barney Stinson: And now the gentlemen...
Ted Mosby: [Serious protest] DUDE!
Barney Stinson: [Adamant] And now the gentlemen!
[Marshall and Ted kiss]
Barney Stinson: I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Barney Stinson: Fine I'll fill her in and I am so angry I am not even going to make a joke about filling her in, which I did three times last night. Self five!

Barney Stinson: Are you saying evil plan?
Quinn Garvey: Hells to the yes!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Desperation Day (#6.16)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: Loneliness... the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching... the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin Scherbatsky: That's not a thing
Barney Stinson: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.
[Visualizes Roman-era wedding]
Barney Stinson: Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted Mosby: That's actually true.
Barney Stinson: Wait. There's more.
Ted Mosby: This won't be.
Barney Stinson: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks exactly like Robin]
Barney Stinson: [as St. Desperatius] Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
Ted Mosby: [as St. Valentine] Player! Play on! High V.
[high-fives]
Robin Scherbatsky: [as Roman woman] Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
Barney Stinson: [as St. Desperatius, to Robin] And I thought Pompeii was smoking.

Barney Stinson: [about Robin and her anti-Valentine's Day friends] Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fiancé that no one has ever met.
Bev: Gerard is real!

Barney Stinson: February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Subway Wars (#6.4)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [Future Ted is explaining why Barney needed to win the race] And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary, and this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group...
Narrator: [interrupting the story] Actually, Barney did not need to win.

Barney Stinson: Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?

Barney Stinson: Check it, I just drove a Pedi cab 26 blocks and I still smell incredible.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Little Boys (#3.4)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Ted, I challenge you to a dating Olympiad. 26 games over 11 days, we'll go to a neutral city...
Ted Mosby: Or we each date someone and first one to score wins.
Barney Stinson: That works too.

Ted Mosby: I'm sorry to tell you, but people who have game don't need eyepatches.
Barney Stinson: Oh, Theodore.
[calmly removes eyepatch]
Barney Stinson: You can't spell 'game' without 'me', and 'me' has the best game.
Ted Mosby: Oh, yeah? Well, I have so much game, I'm a Cornish game hen.
Barney Stinson: Well, I have so much game, I'm New York gaming commissioner.
Ted Mosby: I have so much game, I'm The Game, well-constructed thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

Ted: Robin hates kids.
Robin Scherbatsky: I don't *hate* kids!
Ted: Well, you don't want to have any.
Robin Scherbatsky: I like sports cars, but I don't want to push a Ferrari through my vagina.
Barney: Shotgun!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Bagpipes (#5.6)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: There are so many things to do with the human mouth. Why waste it on talking?

Barney Stinson: Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and sexually?
Ted Mosby: Um, I dated her for a year...
Barney Stinson: Yeah...

Robin Scherbatsky: So what if we're not the best couple in the world?
Barney Stinson: Yeah. It's not like it's a competition.
[Meanwhile, in Lily and Marshall's appartment]
Lily Aldrin: We win!
Marshall Eriksen: [Pops open bottle of champagne] Best couple in the world!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: How Lily Stole Christmas (#2.11)" (2006)

Barney: [Sick in bed] This is a low point for the Barnacle. I should be out playing laser tag, being awesome. Don't look at me, I'm hideous!
Robin: Oh, come on. You look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. Look at me, I'm wearing elastic waistband fleece pants.
Robin: But they're comfy, right?
Barney: [Weakly and ashamed] Yes...

Ted: Do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine! My nose was just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out.

Barney: ...it's gonna be legen- wait for it-...
[he falls asleep]
Barney: .

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Robin 101 (#5.3)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: I can't believe I'm taking sex advice from Ted Mosby. It's like taking fashion advice from, well, Ted Mosby.

Ted Mosby: Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. Be present.
Barney Stinson: Yes, totally. Only thing, and this is just me, I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!

Ted Mosby: For starters, don't ever cry in front of her.
Barney Stinson: Okay?
Ted Mosby: And whatever you do... don't cry in front of her four times.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Drunk Train (#7.16)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [about what they need to do to have fun on the Drunk Train] Get, drunk, of course! Good circling Ted.

Barney Stinson: Ted, tonight is gonna be Epic- wait for it... Dary! Wait that's not it, how do I usually say it? Ugh, I hate this Quinn girl!

Barney Stinson: Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear it's inspiring chant Ted? I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid, it's the little engine with wood!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Right Place Right Time (#4.22)" (2009)

Ted Mosby: 200? As in "Sex with"?
Barney Stinson: As in "Sex with". I request the highest of fives.
Ted Mosby: Not even if I was wearing a hazmat suit.

Barney Stinson: [about Pauline, the woman bodybuilder he slept with] Every inch of her tasted like roast beef and creatine.

[last lines]
Barney Stinson: Okay! 200. Now what?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Everything Must Go (#3.19)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: Excuse me, did I sleep with you and then screw you over?
Woman: I don't think so.
Barney Stinson: Dammint! In that case, would you like to go out?

Barney Stinson: Why are you doing this to me?
Abby: You slept with me and then left.
Barney Stinson: And?
Abby: And that's it.
Barney Stinson: That's it? If I leave you on land with adequate transportation, you should consider yourself lucky.

Abby: You know what I hate most about Ted?
Barney Stinson: What?
Abby: His hair. His lame, awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Legendaddy (#6.19)" (2011)

Jerry Whitaker: [Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway] Barney, what is going on?
Barney Stinson: This is *mine*.
Jerry Whitaker: I don't understand.
Barney Stinson: JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Jerry Whitaker: Please, just come down and talk to me.
Barney Stinson: [Angry] Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Jerry Whitaker: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney Stinson: Because if you were going to be some
[agitated]
Barney Stinson: lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for *me*?
Jerry Whitaker: Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney Stinson: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through...
Jerry Whitaker: I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything!
[Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box]
Jerry Whitaker: You'll never get it down like that.
[gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer]
Jerry Whitaker: No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
[Barney begins unscrewing]
Jerry Whitaker: I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

Barney Stinson: Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing here, vibrating jello pit right there, rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here... don't ask you're not ready.

JJ Whitaker: I got a paper route!
Barney Stinson: Bah! Good time to get into print media right Dad?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: No Pressure (#7.17)" (2012)

Ted Mosby: Barney that was my VCR.
Barney Stinson: Ted, it was a *VCR*!

Lily Aldrin: [Marshall and Lily are caught by surprise that Barney slept in their bed] Why are you in our bed?
Barney Stinson: I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...
[excited at Lily's cleavage]
Barney Stinson: Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!

Ted Mosby: Barney, you've really grown up, you know that?
Barney Stinson: Thanks, now lets watch our two best friends have sex on tape!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Wait for It (#3.1)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: [yelling] This is so going in my blog!

Gael: Gael.
Ted Mosby: I'm sorry. Gayle?
Gael: Gael.
Barney Stinson: Kyle?
Gael: Gael.
Marshall Eriksen: ...Girl?
Robin Scherbatsky: It's pronounced Guy-el.

Amy: Sorry I used to nanny for those jerks before they fired me... So unfair!
Barney Stinson: Unfair? I would not let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Lucky Penny (#2.15)" (2007)

Lily Aldrin: We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun.
Barney Stinson: I can't go. I've got this thing.
Lily Aldrin: What thing?
Barney Stinson: A penis.

Barney Stinson: Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.

Barney Stinson: My legs don't work. I have ridden the subway twice from end to end. I've been where it turns around. Ted, you don't ever want to see where it turns around.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Sorry, Bro (#4.16)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: [as Lily exits the elevator in GNB office building] Lily! What are you doin' here?
Lily Aldrin: Oh! I'm here to give Marshall something.
Barney Stinson: Ahhh! Here to, GIVE, him something.
[Winks]
Barney Stinson: Gotcha!
[Winks]
Barney Stinson: Nice!
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, but I'm, I'm in a hurry. Can I just give it to you?
Barney Stinson: [Thinks about it] Sure, OK.
Lily Aldrin: And, and, and then you'll give it to him.
Barney Stinson: Wai... Ho... Ay... I dunno about all that. I mean, yours will have to be very good.
Lily Aldrin: What are you talking about?
Barney Stinson: What are you talking about?
Lily Aldrin: Mar, Marshall forgot his pants, so I'm bringing him a new pair.
Barney Stinson: Ha! Marshall forgot his pants. Well, it's a good thing you came by, because he has a really important meeting today and it would be pretty embarrassing, and not at all funny if he were to show up not wearing pants. So, I'll make sure he gets these.

Barney Stinson: Think of the funniest thing ever.
Robin Scherbatsky: Got it.
Barney Stinson: Now double it.
Robin Scherbatsky: A chimpanzee with two tuxedos?

Barney: ...a hug is just like a public dry hump
Marshall: I think you're hugging wrong...

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Best Prom Ever (#1.20)" (2006)

Barney: Slut Up!

Barney: And that, my friends, is why you never get your money's worth when you wear jeans to a strip club.

[Lily finds out she can't go into a high school's prom to see a band that she might hire for her wedding]
Barney: No sweat. We'll just sneak in.
Marshall Eriksen: We're not sneaking into a high school prom.
Lily: Yes, we are, it's the only way.
Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped.
Lily: It's 9 weeks till the wedding. At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.
Barney: Well...
Lily: No, Barney.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Rabbit or Duck (#5.15)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: So, anyone know who won the Super Bowl last night?
Marshall Eriksen: You should know. You were there...
Barney Stinson: I won! I now have a magic phone that never stops ringing. And who's usually at the other end? A hot chick. The number of women who want me is now infinity!

Barney Stinson: Get rid of it!
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Barney Stinson: This phone is cursed! It just never stops ringing! I try to ignore it, but I can't! I'ts ruining my life! I should get that.
[Marshall takes the phone]
Barney Stinson: No, let me answer it! It could be an emergency! She might be trapped inside a giant bra!
Ranjit: Barney, let it go... to voice mail.

[Barney has displayed his phone number on national TV, and keeps getting calls from women]
Barney Stinson: [phone rings; Barney answers] Go for Barney. Cut to the chase - what's your cup size? Oh, hi, Mom!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Architect of Destruction (#6.5)" (2010)

Barney: [girls talking about penis size] How can you speak of such things?
Lily: You kidding? Barney every time I mentionned a woman you don t know, the first thing you say is : "boobs?". Not the complete sentence like : "Does she have big boobs?" which also will not be great but just "boobs?"
Barney: I do not do that!
Lily: my friend Lori from work...
Barney: Boobs?... Damn it

Barney: Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it... I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!

Barney: Ted, I know you love classic stuff no one cares about, but I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New Is Always Better.
Ted Mosby: New is always better?
Barney: Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Happily Ever After (#4.6)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: As I see that young man popping and locking his way to the jukebox, I think to myself: Stella made the right call.

Barney Stinson: You poor thing. Having to grow up in Canada, with America right there.

Ted Mosby: Where are those almonds?
Barney Stinson: Gosh, where would Ted's nuts be? Hey, why don't you check the vise in Stella's garage?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Playbook (#5.8)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: None of these are cheap tricks. Except for The Cheap Trick.
[Cut to Barney dressed as a rocker]
Barney Stinson: Yeah, I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.
Barney Stinson: [Back to reality] And even that requires expensive hair extensions.

Barney Stinson: Don't drink that!
Christy: Why not?
Barney Stinson: I saw a guy put something in that drink.
Christy: Really? Who?
Barney Stinson: [Points at Ted] That guy.
[Bartender tackles Ted]

Lily Aldrin: I had Shelley reserved for Ted for three years!
Barney Stinson: Well, he didn't miss much. She's brainy and whiny and boring in bed. Hey, maybe she is perfect for Ted.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Rough Patch (#5.7)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: You have a girlfriend? A girl, who's also your friend?
[laughs]
Barney Stinson: Do not humanize the enemy!
[Shakes hands with Ted's date]
Barney Stinson: I'm Barney Stinson, by the way. Nice to meet you.

Barney Stinson: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew that you would - It means you have my porn collection, and that means either I am dead, or in a relationship. If I'm dead, I need you to take me to the Hamptons and recreate "Weekend at Bernie's". I want to dance. I want to have sex with a young woman. I want to go skiing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a relationship, then for the love of God... get me out of it!

Robin Scherbatsky: When are you going to get rid of your doll?
Barney Stinson: It's not a doll, it's a Stormtrooper.
Robin Scherbatsky: It has a diaper.
Barney Stinson: It's not a diaper, it's protective gear.
Robin Scherbatsky: Stormtrooper? More like Stormpooper.
Barney Stinson: Stop that!
Robin Scherbatsky: [Makes fart noise] Oops! I think your Stormpooper needs to be changed.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Unfinished (#6.3)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: Ted I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. You stick with it. To Ted!

Barney Stinson: Do you remember how awesome it was to be coworkers, nay... Bro-workers?

Barney Stinson: Golden Rule. I do not buy dinner to get the Yes. Dinner is a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Shelter Island (#4.5)" (2008)

Lily Aldrin: No "Don't get married, Ted"? No "worst mistake you'll ever make"? Barney Stinson, have you given up on the war against marriage?
Barney Stinson: No, I just know a lost cause when I see it. That's the reason I don't recycle.

Barney Stinson: [Reading a brochure on the place the wedding is taking place] Namaste Yoga and Meditation Collective?
Marshall Eriksen: I don't know about you guys, but namaste here any longer than I have to.

Lily Aldrin: There's no meat.
Barney Stinson: There's no alcohol.
Marshall Eriksen: It gets worse, you guys. I think that guy you were talking to was lead singer for Spin Doctors.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Bracket (#3.14)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

Barney Stinson: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin Scherbatsky: Of course there are.
Barney Stinson: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily Aldrin: You can not be more evil.
Barney Stinson: Sorry, five. Recently widowed.

Barney Stinson: Shotgun for eternity!
Robin Scherbatsky: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney Stinson: I just called it.
Robin Scherbatsky: You can't just call things!
Barney Stinson: I call that I can call things!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Man (#4.9)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: The Naked Man is going to revolutionize the one-night stand. It's like the forward pass in football, the slam dunk in basketball, the technique in hair cutting where you put the hair between two fingers and you cut from the top - It's a total game changer!

Barney Stinson: [Adding to Lily's list of reasons to have sex] Curiosity. As in what would it be like to do it with a really tall girl. Not a big girl, a tall girl. Like if a normal girl were seven, seven-and-a-half feet tall, and had a very short denim skirt, I would have to know what that was like.

Barney Stinson: All this time I had been suiting up, when I should have been suiting down.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Exploding Meatball Sub (#6.20)" (2011)

Robin Scherbatsky: [the gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021] You're too young, it's unfair!
Marshall Eriksen: We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Barney Stinson: Thank you Marshall.
[coughs]
Barney Stinson: Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Marshall Eriksen: Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Barney Stinson: Eat this meatball sub.
[offers wrapped sub]
Marshall Eriksen: Where did you get this...
Barney Stinson: [Winces in pain] I don't have much time!
Marshall Eriksen: [Unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course.
[prepares to bite]
Marshall Eriksen: Does this have some sort of meaning?
[meatball sub explodes in his face]
Barney Stinson: [Gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't - 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Ted Mosby: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.
[Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]

Random Girl: How can you not remember my name... it rhymes with your name?
Barney Stinson: And I said my name was?

Barney Stinson: You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans right?
Robin Scherbatsky: What is wrong with you?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM (#1.18)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Dude, the meter's running! Crap or get off the pot!

Barney Stinson: We haven't reached legendary yet. We're just at the "le." We still have the "gen", the "da", the "ry"
Lily Aldrin: Well if we're at the "le" I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you just got burned, phonics style.

Barney Stinson: ...Because after 2 AM is when things get- audience say it with me- LEGENDARY.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Ted Mosby, Architect (#2.4)" (2006)

Barney: Dear Resident,
Barney: The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again, but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I... am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet Resident. Perhaps we will meet again in another decade, provided you keep your figure.
Barney: Until then, all my love from the beyond. Barney

Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies...
Ted: First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And third, I can't imagine that working on anyone, ever.
Barney: That's 'cause you're always like,
[in a mopey, loser-ish voice]
Barney: 'Ted Mosby, architect'.
[shrugs shoulders, makes dweeby face]
Barney: If it were me, I'd be like,
[speaking in a confident, assertive voice]
Barney: Ted Mosby, architect.
[points and pulls trigger on finger gun]
Barney: Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude.
Marshall: [clears throat, confidently] Marshall Erikson, recently dumped and heading to a lame party.
[looks away to imaginary hot girls]
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, please, take it easy. There's enough of me for everyone.
[puts arms around two imaginary hot girls]
Marshall: Hi. Hello.
[to Ted and Barney]
Marshall: All right. We're gonna take off.
Barney: Wait up. I'll leave with you guys. Ted Mosby, architect. Trust me.

Barney: Think about it, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Of Course (#5.17)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression] Hey.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Barney Stinson: Robin, I know you're upset.
Robin Scherbatsky: What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other.
[angry tone]
Robin Scherbatsky: It just warms my frickin' heart
[returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Barney Stinson: So you're not upset?
Robin Scherbatsky: Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
Barney Stinson: But you're not just another number to me.
Robin Scherbatsky: And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks.
[pause]
Barney Stinson: Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Robin Scherbatsky: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Barney Stinson: Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, don't sleep with Anita.
Barney Stinson: Done.
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
Barney Stinson: She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.

Barney Stinson: [about something the happened the previous night] I couldn't be more unhappy! I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's-it's called manners!

Barney Stinson: Oh no, I am not going to give it up, she is. Thanks to Ted's book...
Ted Mosby: It's Robin's, it's Robin's.
Barney Stinson: I'm going to stay two steps ahead of her - there's a loop hole in here and I'm going to find it.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Woooo! (#4.8)" (2008)

Marshall Eriksen: This is awesome! Drinking at work.
Barney Stinson: We're basically mad men.
Marshall Eriksen: We are. We're such Mad Men.
Barney Stinson: I'm gonna go smack a secretary on the ass.
Marshall Eriksen: That's totally what they would do on that show.
Barney Stinson: What show?

Barney Stinson: The world absolutely needs Woooo girls. If there were no Woo girls, there would be no Girls Gone Wild, no bachelorette parties, no Las Vegas poolside bars. All the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone.
Lily Aldrin: Those are not the things...
Barney Stinson: The souvenir shot glass industry would collapse. So would the body glitter industry... and the stretch Hummer limo industry. Tiny cowboy hats would only be worn by tiny cowboys. And when "Brown Eyed Girl" would come up on the jukebox, all you would hear would be silence... and "Brown Eyed Girl". But who would woo? Would you? Would you... woo?

Barney Stinson: What does the button do?
Sven #1: Press it! Press the button for glory!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Ducky Tie (#7.3)" (2011)

Ted Mosby: Oh, guess who I ran into
[at the Architect's Ball]
Ted Mosby: . A girl from my past. Any guesses?
Lily Aldrin: Stella.
Barney Stinson: Zoey.
Marshall Eriksen: Karen?
Lily Aldrin: The girl who beat you up.
Barney Stinson: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
Marshall Eriksen: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
Ted Mosby: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Lily Aldrin: Terms, if you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off I will let you touch one boob.
Barney Stinson: Both boobs!
Lily Aldrin: Just one.
Barney Stinson: Touch and squeeze.
Lily Aldrin: Just touch.
Barney Stinson: Touch and motor boat.
Lily Aldrin: Just touch.
Barney Stinson: Honka honka?
Lily Aldrin: [Annoyed] Barney...
Barney Stinson: Just touch.
Lily Aldrin: Just touch.
Barney Stinson: For one hour.
Lily Aldrin: For one second!
Barney Stinson: Twenty minutes both boobs.
Lily Aldrin: Thirty seconds one boob.
Barney Stinson: Four minutes, both boobs, three squeezes.
Lily Aldrin: One minute, both boobs, one squeeze.
Barney Stinson: Deal!

Barney Stinson: [about Lily's boobs] What are you waiting for, Lil? Bust 'em out, make 'em dance!
Lily Aldrin: No!
Barney Stinson: [singing] Let your boobies show!
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, I'm sorry, pal, but the party of my wife's sweater is a private event, and I'm the bouncer, so...
Robin Scherbatsky: Dude, I think they are the bouncers.
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, can we stop talking about my wife's breasts? It's... Ted ran into Victoria!
Ted Mosby: I know, I'm-I'm still a little shaken about it, I mean, there she was after all these years, the emotions, and memories, and... Jeez, Lily, it's like you have a butt on your chest.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Leap (#4.24)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: [about the inflatable pool on Ted's roof] No, no, no! This is not pimped out. If anything, this is pimped in.

Barney Stinson: Why are you so afraid of giving us a chance?
Robin Scherbatsky: Because I am scared of how much I like you.
Barney Stinson: Ohh, this is a bad idea.
Robin Scherbatsky: You're right. This is a mistake.
Barney Stinson: Yes... No!
Robin Scherbatsky: I love you.
Barney Stinson: Let's be friends.
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, friends then.
Barney Stinson: I love you.
Robin Scherbatsky: Ah... Let's get married!
Barney Stinson: No! You're smothering me!
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, forget it!
Barney Stinson: Gaah!
Robin Scherbatsky: Gaah!
Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky: *Kiss*

Barney Stinson: Say you and I went suit shopping. And you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double breastet, uh-uh-uh. You try it on, but it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back. Then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit that you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.
Ted Mosby: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Brunch (#2.3)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.
Marshall Eriksen: You would say that because of those chicken legs.
Barney Stinson: I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.

Virginia Mosby: Oh, Barney. You're just delightful.
Barney Stinson: No, you're delightful. I'm delighted. And he's just Ted. I'm just making this stuff up. I don't know where they're coming from.

Virginia Mosby: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.
Barney Stinson: St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Do I Know You? (#4.1)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: [after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail] She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
Lily Aldrin: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.

Barney Stinson: It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything!

Barney Stinson: Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Field Trip (#7.5)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: [to Kevin] So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a therapist and bang your patients, that's normal, but to do it for real? Little creepy bro.

Barney Stinson: Studies show that 83% of all college students desperately need, Sex Lessons!
Ted Mosby: [Protesting] Barney these are eighteen-year-olds!
Barney Stinson: Ted, these are *eighteen-year-olds*!

Barney Stinson: [Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age] I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you... and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!
Nora: You think I'm 37?
Barney Stinson: If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them!
Nora: Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.
Barney Stinson: You... you're 29?
[embraces Nora]
Barney Stinson: You still have one good year left!
Nora: [Surprised] What?
Barney Stinson: Nothing...
[kisses Nora]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: First Time in New York (#2.12)" (2007)

Barney Stinson: Watch your step when you get up kids, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway.
Marshall Eriksen: Wait a minute. A month ago you told me relationships were like a traveling circus.
Barney Stinson: No, this is new, this trumps that. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.
Robin Scherbatsky: So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that.
Barney Stinson: [ignoring what Robin just said] The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months - That's when you guys
[pointing at Ted and Robin]
Barney Stinson: are gonna break up, mark your calendars.
Ted Mosby: Hey!
Robin Scherbatsky: What?
Barney Stinson: Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like "Are we there yet?"

Barney Stinson: Discouraging pre-marital sex is against my religion.

Katie Scherbatsky: You are such a hypocrite. You lost your virginity when you were sixteen.
Robin Scherbatsky: How did you know that?
Katie Scherbatsky: I read your diary. I found it in your bedroom-slash-writing room.
Barney Stinson: I'll give you $100,000 for that diary.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Baby Talk (#6.6)" (2010)

Robin Scherbatsky: Hey. Um, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?
Barney Stinson: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.
Robin Scherbatsky: [sighs] That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry.
[turns to leave]
Barney Stinson: Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged.

Barney Stinson: Want to come to my house and play telephone? I've got the string you've got the cans.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Barney, that prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's ten thirty in the morning I don't really need to see a lady get naked and dance.
Barney Stinson: Oh Esther gets naked, but she doesn't dance... That WAS my card!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Old King Clancy (#4.18)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: If I could nail any celebrity, it would have to be Scarlett Johansson. She's hot, she's talented, and any woman who does that many Woody Allen movies has to have major daddy issues.

Barney Stinson: Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?

Ted Mosby: Good morning, lying bastards. Anything you want to lie about before I head off to work to get fired?
Barney Stinson: That's a nice shirt.
Ted Mosby: You're the Devil.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Game Night (#1.15)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: Ladies, Gentlemen, Ted.

Barney Stinson: [finishing his story about his ex-girlfriend Shannon] And then she told me about her life. Her and Greg dated for awhile, then split up. Here's the real kicker, Shannon's a mom. She has a little kid named Max. That's crazy. That could've been my kid. But, instead what do I have? My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet, and a string of one-night stands.
[begins to cry]
Lily Aldrin: Hey, come one. I mean, just because her life went one way, and yours went another doesn't make your life any worse.
Barney Stinson: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment, changing some brat's poopy diapers, but instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7, 365!
[looks up]
Barney Stinson: You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy. Plus here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry, on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her!

Barney: Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Re-return. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...a-yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!
[pause]
Marshall: I think Barney just won game night.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Nannies (#8.3)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt,
[shoots T-shirt roll at Ted]
Barney Stinson: I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again!
[continues shooting rolls; one hits woman]
Barney Stinson: Sorry about your eye, I'm available!
Ted Mosby: [reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.
Barney Stinson: Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening.
[puts a "Bangtoberfest" cap on Robin's head]

Barney Stinson: Bangtoberfest used to mean something.
Ted Mosby: You made it up last night.

Barney Stinson: [after an encounter with the nannies he scammed] I woke up in a dumpster covered in diapers, and I found a pacifier somewhere I am not willing to discuss.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Little Minnesota (#4.11)" (2008)

Ted Mosby: I've never let Barney meet Heather, and for good reason. Everytime the Mosby family Christmas card came...
[Christmas 2005]
Barney Stinson: [to "Jingle Bells"] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan.
[Christmas 2006]
Barney Stinson: [to "We Wish You A Merry Christmas"] I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, and down on all fours.
[Christmas 2007]
Barney Stinson: [to "The Dreidel Song"] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her, with her boobies I will play. Everybody! Sister, sister, sister... What? I can celebrate Hannukah.

Barney Stinson: [On a chair in Ted's apartment, holding a glass of brandy] Why, hello. I've been expecting you.
Ted Mosby: That chair's not mine. Did you bring a chair to my apartment?
Barney Stinson: I needed one that swivels.

Barney Stinson: [Lily catches him with Heather] Lily, before you say or do anything, there is something I need you to do.
Lily Aldrin: What?
Barney Stinson: [Pointing at the shirt Lily is standing on] Please step off. It's Prada.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Ten Sessions (#3.13)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: Hey! How would you like me to take you out to a fancy restaurant and then go on a shopping spree? Treat you the way you should be treated. Would that make you forget about that Ted monster?
Abby: My mom was wrong; there are nice guys in New York!
Barney Stinson: We just have to go by my hotel room first. My bed was broken; I just have to make sure they fixed it.
Abby: Then if it's fixed, can we have sex on it and then go shopping?
Barney Stinson: I like you!

Ted Mosby: You do magic, how is juggling any lamer than magic?
Barney Stinson: Magic's not lame...
[shouts]
Barney Stinson: The flame!
[sparks come out of his sleeves, scares everyone]
Marshall Eriksen: [Startled] Ahh
Lily Aldrin: Barney no, no. We said no fire balls at the table.
Marshall Eriksen: What the hell is wrong with you?
Robin Scherbatsky: There's alcohol in here!
Barney Stinson: But... I...
Wendy: Barney, we've talked about this. It's a fire code violation.
Barney Stinson: Yea, but Ted provoked me.
Lily Aldrin: No no, you are in a time out now. Go sit over there.
Barney Stinson: But...
Lily Aldrin: Go.
[Barney moves one booth back, still facing the camera and still to the right of Robin]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap (#5.9)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: Just slap me and get it over with! Ted reaches for a chip, I flinch! Robin adjusts her hair, I flinch! All this flinching can't be good for my skin. I'm getting crow's feet. Crow's feet!

Lily Aldrin: I can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Marshall Eriksen: Because the slap has done what I'd hoped. It's brought us all closer together. And it's caused us to recognize both the frailty and the greatness in ourselves and each other.
Barney Stinson: Oh, give me a break!
Marshall Eriksen: [unties Barney] And that is why there will be no slapping today.
Barney Stinson: Oh, my God. This is the best Thanksgiving...
[Marshall slaps Barney so hard he falls over]
Marshall Eriksen: That's four! So, back to turkey.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Perfect Cocktail (#6.22)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: [after being given gin by Lily and Robin in order to start fighting out their issues] Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Marshall Eriksen: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Barney Stinson: Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
Marshall Eriksen: [infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!

Barney Stinson: [Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps; he's at the bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling... how you doing?... is this your sister?... Beautiful!
[goes to gang's booth]
Ted Mosby: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney Stinson: Show me chicken wings!
[gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Robin Scherbatsky: Good order, Ted!
[Gang cheers]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Symphony of Illumination (#7.12)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: Here's twenty for picking up a girl with only one word and here's another twenty for that word being boner.

Barney Stinson: I can't believe I haven't seen you around.
Insane Duane: Well after Sheila and I had that... quickie, my life's been playdates, preschool, and poop. I haven't set foot in a bar in years.
Barney Stinson: You stopped drinking?
Insane Duane: Oh, I still drink.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Now We're Even (#7.21)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: Get out your MetroCard Ted because tonight's the night we partied with the mole people!

Barney Stinson: The truth is I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.
Marshall Eriksen: That movie only came out *two* years ago
Barney Stinson: What movie?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Twin Beds (#5.21)" (2010)

Robin Scherbatsky: That's Barney. He means well.
Ted Mosby: Actually, we're not sure that's true.
Don Frank: I think he's awesome. I just feel bad for any woman with such low esteem she'd date a guy like that.
Narrator: And that's when I realized that Robin hasn't told Don she and Barney used to date.
Barney Stinson: We're a lot alike, Don. We both enjoy a good Scotch, we both find my stories fascinating, and we both went out with Robin.
Narrator: And now he knew.

Barney Stinson: I stand by what I did. It was bold and romantic.
Ted Mosby: You soiled yourself from both ends of your body.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Tick Tick Tick (#7.10)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: [Describing himself] Uh lets see, suits, laser tag, I say "wait for it" a lot, that's pretty much it.

Barney Stinson: What's that saying about two wrongs making a right?
Robin Scherbatsky: Two wrongs don't make a right?
Barney Stinson: [Dismissing this] No that's not it...

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Duel (#1.8)" (2005)

Robin: For the record, your little "lemon law" is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society.
Barney: No, wrong. Lemon law's awesome.

[repeated line]
Barney: Lemon law! It's gonna be a thing.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Last Cigarette Ever (#5.11)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: Remember when we could smoke inside bars?
[Flashback: the bar is so full of smoke it's hard to see anything]
Ted Mosby: I think that woman over there is looking at me.
Barney Stinson: That's a chair, but go ahead, hit that.
Marshall Eriksen: [Unseen] Hey guys? Where are you? Marco!
Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson: Polo!

Barney Stinson: I only smoke on certain occasions: post-coital, when I'm with Germans - sometimes the two overlap - coital, that time of year the Mets are mathematically eliminated, pre-coital, and - wait for it, 'cause I sure have - pregnancy scares.
Ted Mosby: Why are you smoking now?
Barney Stinson: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Canning Randy (#6.7)" (2010)

GNB's ad voiceover: [Goliath National Bank's ad] What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.
Barney Stinson: [holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth.
[puts in spent soft drink can]
Randy Wharmpess: [opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.
Arthur Hobbs: I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat?
[plays with dog]
Marshall Eriksen: [at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

Barney Stinson: I love the office Halloween party, it is so much sluttier than the office Christmas Party though not as freaky as the office Presidents Day rave.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Benefits (#4.12)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: So I tell her, Madeline, every international conflict esentially boils down to sexual tension.
Ted Mosby: Every international conflict?
Barney Stinson: Every single one.
Ted Mosby: So, the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...?
Barney Stinson: Gaza strippers. Next!
Ted Mosby: Apartheid?
Barney Stinson: Apart thighs. What else you got?
Ted Mosby: Cold War?
Barney Stinson: Mrs. Gorbatchov, take down those pants!

Robin Scherbatsky: By the way, our little arrangement is off.
Barney Stinson: Oh, that's awes... ful.
Robin Scherbatsky: What?
Barney Stinson: That's awesful.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Bad News (#6.13)" (2011)

Lily Aldrin: [Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile] Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall Eriksen: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months.
[high-fives Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: Obviously, I'm the problem.
Barney Stinson: Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant - that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

Marshall Eriksen: Tell him that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? I don't even know how to have that conversation.
Barney Stinson: I'll show you. Dad, uh there's something I need to tell you. It's going to come as a bit of a shock. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri-County Laser Tag Co Champion.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Matchmaker (#1.7)" (2005)

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
Marshall: It was a mouse!
Barney Stinson: Oh, sorry, my bad, you're a man.

Barney: [at the offices of Love Solutions, a match-making agency] We're signing up!
Ted: What?
Barney: Ted, these chicks are desperate AND hot. That's a perfect cocktail: shake well then sleep with!
Ted: I'm not going to a match-maker! That's like giving up! It's the man version of getting a cat!
Barney: Come on, Ted! This is an incredible opportunity! We'll meet our soulmates, nail them and never call them again!
Ellen Pierce: [comes into the room] All finished, gentlemen?
[meaning their application forms; they hand them to her]
Ellen Pierce: Congratulations! You've just taken your first step!
Barney: [faking demure and sensitive] Gosh! Thanks, Ellen! I sure hope this works. I'm *so* done with the single life. All the games, the meaningless sex!
Ellen Pierce: You deserve more!
Barney: That is so true, Ellen I really think I'm ready to stop being a *me* and start being a *we*. Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
Ellen Pierce: [endearingly] Of course, you can! That's so...
[lost for words]
Barney: Kinda hard to talk about it with Ted here but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night
[gets his voice to break a little]
Barney: when the tears come... Ellen, can you help me find her?
Ellen Pierce: Get out!
Barney: What?
Ellen Pierce: I get 15 guys like you every week. Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail them and never call them again!
Barney: Oh, my God! People *do* that?
Ellen Pierce: You wanna do this the easy way or the hard way?
Barney: What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
Ellen Pierce: No. That's the easy way. The hard way is that I slap the crap out of you myself
[Ellen is quite heavily set]
Barney: [starts for the door] Ted! Let's go!
Ellen Pierce: [to Ted] Not you! You stay. You're cute.
[looking at his application]
Ellen Pierce: Good career. And you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your friend *Jack Package*!
Barney: [from the other side of the door] It's pronounced *Pa-KAJ*!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Mystery vs. History (#7.6)" (2011)

Robin Scherbatsky: The bitch is hiding something.
Barney Stinson: The bitch's totally hiding something

Barney Stinson: Oh my god they're six minutes into the date! Ted has probably already told her that he loves her! We gotta get down there!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Double Date (#5.2)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: Guess who got four tickets to the the origins of Chewbaca exhibit?
Lily Aldrin: Why?
Barney Stinson: No, I said who.
Lily Aldrin: I heard you.
Robin Scherbatsky: Isn't it a little early in our relationship to be doing things that would end our relationship?

Barney Stinson: I don't come here that often.
Judy: Hey Barney, here's your usual and I'll send you your other usual when she's done stretching.
Barney Stinson: Thank you kindly, stranger.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Stamp Tramp (#8.7)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [Barney does his own version of LeBron James' Decision Special] Man, this whole free agent experience... it's been an unbelievable experience... a real, humbling experience. First all, the Lusty Leopard is where I developed my game.
[looks at strippers]
Barney Stinson: I have nothing but the utmost respect for you skanks...
Ted Mosby: [to Marshall] Let's just go stay at the Lusty Leopard. They have loyalty and heart, I bet you he rewards that.
Marshall Eriksen: LeBron moved on Ted, so should you.
Barney Stinson: ...but Barney Stinson has to do what's right for Barney Stinson's penis. In this fall... This is tough, um, in this fall, I'm going to take my talents... to Mouth Beach!
[Cheers]

Barney Stinson: I've been going to the Lusty Leopard for seven years...
Robin Scherbatsky: Wow, that's like 49 in perve years.
Barney Stinson: 69. Self-five!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Truth (#7.2)" (2011)

Nora: [In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman] Okay, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?
Barney Stinson: Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys-
[black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]
Black Woman: Barnelle? Ooh, I knew it!
[Storms out]

Barney Stinson: And that concludes all the space related lies. Let's move onto the world of sports. Oh wait sorry, I just thought of another space one. I've been bitten by a moon snake, you need to suck all the space poison out of my...
[Trails off]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Perfect Week (#5.14)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: See that woman nursing a Black Russian? She's about to chase that with a White American. Up top!

Barney Stinson: I was on my way to the Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, no rejections.
Jim Nantz: The dating equivalent of the perfect game, and even rarer.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Not a Father's Day (#4.7)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know I don't talk to you enough, although many women cry out your name during sex. Awesome!

Lily: Maybe it is a false alarm. Maybe she is not pregnant.
Barney: Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than a 110%. If one my little Michael Phelps has got loose, he is swimming for a gold.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: I Heart NJ (#4.3)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: [after everyone refuses a fist bump] I am not putting my fist down until it gets the privilege of someone else's knuckles tapping lightly yet decisively.
[Passes fist around]
Barney Stinson: Pretty, pretty?... Pretty, pretty?... Then know this. Until my fist gets the respect it deserves - Nay, demands - it will not yield. It. Will. NOT! Yield.

Barney Stinson: [after Lily returns his fist bump] Thank you, Lily. My arm hasn't been this sore since I was thirteen and first learned to lock my bathroom door. Up top!
[Raises his hand for a high five; Lily just shakes her head no]
Barney Stinson: Oh, no.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Front Porch (#4.17)" (2009)

Barney Stinson: What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs... Actually, I do see it.

Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute! Those are your pajamas? You sleep in suit pajamas?
Barney Stinson: Of course. What else would I sleep in?
Ted Mosby: A coffin?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Jenkins (#5.13)" (2010)

Ted Mosby: Wait, you want to have sex with Jenkins?
Barney Stinson: With Jenkins, on Jenkins, near Jenkins, you name it. I wanna wear Jenkins like a sock.

Barney Stinson: I had a drinking game based on Robin. Well, actually, it was on Robin. I poured peach schnapps into her belly button...
Ted Mosby: Dude, we've been through this. Don't tell me.
Barney Stinson: Very well. She didn't like it, anyway. Said it woke her up.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Landmarks (#6.23)" (2011)

Ted Mosby: [Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is] Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney Stinson: [In aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Ted Mosby: Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
Barney Stinson: [normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so...
[assumes aristocratic voice again]
Barney Stinson: Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Ted Mosby: Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out...
Barney Stinson: I am not Barney!
[activates flickering lights]
Ted Mosby: Whoo, lighting change!

Barney Stinson: New York is never finished Theodore. She's a lady only a handful of architects ever get to dance with. Do not miss your turn.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Final Page: Part One (#8.11)" (2012)

Ted Mosby: [Barney has shown Ted a diamond ring] Oh my God, Barney...
Barney Stinson: You unjinxed me, I'm free! If the bison in the nickel heard what you said talking about them they would diminish their population even further on purpose and if Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth she's got my number and I'm sorry you took all the rap for the farting in the car up here, that was me.
[sighs]
Ted Mosby: The ring, what's the ring?
Barney Stinson: Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me
Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson: Are you serious?
Barney Stinson: Jinx. Good, I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I'm serious. I know that if you will talk, you will say I'm crazy, I'm over-correcting, I'm moving too fast, or that you would be wrong. I've banged my way through every bimbo in the Tri-State Area and it left me feeling nothing but broken, but now with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night, on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
[cuts off Ted]
Barney Stinson: You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you follow these two rules. One you can't try to talk me out of it and two, you can't tell anybody. Agreed?
[sees Ted assent]
Barney Stinson: It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I'll bust you in the nuts three times with a whiffle ball bat. Thank you, Ted.

Barney Stinson: Marshall, I'm a grown ass man. I'm on my building's co-op board. When I say a pinot noir tastes luxuriously earthy with a hint of rhubarb? I'm not faking it.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Hooked (#5.16)" (2010)

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP!
[Hand up in the air waiting for a high-five from Ted]

Barney Stinson: So now, pharma-girls are the hottest profession.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Noretta (#7.7)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.

Barney Stinson: Come on, Barney Stinson always turns it around.
Marshall Eriksen: How?
Barney Stinson: Simple, I turned... it... *around*.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Trilogy Time (#7.20)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: Point is, I plan on being with you for a long time, you okay with that?
Quinn Garvey: Sounds great.

Barney Stinson: Back boobs... the visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style, patent pending.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Splitsville (#8.6)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: Talk about a double standard. Every time I go after a busty dullard that can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets.

Barney Stinson: [to Nick about Robin] I love everything about her, and I'm not a guy who says that lightly, I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life, I'm a guy who thought love was just something idiots felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times when I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling, and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I'm hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Mary the Paralegal (#1.19)" (2006)

Barney: Do it. Come on Ted, do it. This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.
Ted: Sleep with a prostitute?
Barney: No, lose your virginity. What up!

Barney: Oh come on, if you don't laugh it just seems mean.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Best Man (#7.1)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: [Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback'] Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out?
[shows long fingernails]

Barney Stinson: Here's your toast, single file ladies! No fatties!
Ted Mosby: That's ridiculous!
Barney Stinson: Yeah you're right, it's Cleveland. Single file ladies!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Over-Correction (#8.10)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [the gang talks at MacLaren's over Marshall and Lily's parents hooking up] I think you should be happy for them.
Marshall Eriksen: What? But why? What is good about this?
Barney Stinson: Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece - she's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. Secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes, you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
Lily Aldrin: I guess none of us ever thought of it that way.
Barney Stinson: Next round's on me.
[Gang stares at Barney in wonder]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Magician's Code: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [Barney tries to ask the bus driver to drive to the hospital where Lily is giving birth] Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy
[gestures to Marshall]
Barney Stinson: , he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?
Bus Driver: Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: I'm Not That Guy (#3.6)" (2007)

Lily Aldrin: Are you telling me that there are conventions for porn?
Barney Stinson: Affirmative. Or, to put it another way, God bless America.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Lobster Crawl (#8.9)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: Why should bibs only be socially acceptable when you're eating lobster?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Final Page: Part Two (#8.12)" (2012)

Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin has read the play entitled "The Robin" and sees Barney] Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as CERTIFIABLY INSANE as you must realize that this is too far! You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks - do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that?
[refers to Playbook page]
Robin Scherbatsky: This, this is proof of why we don't work, why we'll never work, so thank you. You've set me free because how could I be with a man who thinks that this trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?
Barney Stinson: Turn it over.
[Robin flips page to read Step 16: Hope she says yes. Barney presents ring]
Barney Stinson: Robin Scherbatsky, will you marry me?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yes.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Stinson Missile Crisis (#7.4)" (2011)

Robin Scherbatsky: [about an urn-like object] What's that thing?
Barney Stinson: For some it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Milk (#1.21)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: This feud goes so far back, I don't even remember who fired the first shot.
Marshall Eriksen: You?
Barney Stinson: Totally!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Atlantic City (#2.8)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: Ah, AC. Always in decline, never hitting bottom. It's good to be back, old friend.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Best Burger in New York (#4.2)" (2008)

Ted, Barney, Lily: [All take bite from burger] Mmmmmmm
Lily: Oh my God! this burger is so good, it's like Christmas in my mouth. Meat Christmas!
Ted: It's like an angel from Heaven landed at the kitchen at MacLaren's. Or the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.
Barney: I love this burger so much, I wanna sew my ass shut.
Marshall: [Disappointed] It's okay.
Ted, Barney, Lily: [All, except Marhsall] What?

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Tailgate (#7.13)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [with the failure of Puzzles, Ted, Barney, Kevin, and Doug watch the New Year's Eve countdown, and see Robin on the screen] Oh my God...
Robin Scherbatsky: [Speaking on the broadcast] This is Robin Scherbatsky filling in for Sandy Rivers. You know, America, tonight I've been groped, slapped and puked, and until ten minutes ago, I had no idea I'd be on national television...
Kevin: [smiles] That's my girl.
Robin Scherbatsky: ...but that's the magic of New Year's. When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start. and I don't know about you, but I could really use one. and that magic moment starts in ten.
[starts countdown]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Chain of Screaming (#3.15)" (2008)

Barney Stinson: Shotgun for eternity!
Robin Scherbatsky: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney Stinson: I just called it.
Robin Scherbatsky: You can't just call things!
Barney Stinson: I call that I can call things!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Drumroll, Please (#1.13)" (2006)

Barney Stinson: Ted, oh my gosh, I love this moment, you know why? Because I'm gonna say it and this time you're actually gonna say yes, you ready? Ready to say yes? Ted, suit up!
Ted: Yes!
[starts to leave, Barney laughs, Ted quickly comes back]
Ted: No.
Barney Stinson: [frustrated] Oh, come on!

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Oh Honey (#6.15)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: [At Honey's place, Barney and Honey are ready to get it on] Who's your daddy?
Honey: [laughs] Who's your daddy?
Barney Stinson: [shaky voice] I... don't... KNOW!
[breaks down]

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Autumn of Breakups (#8.5)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: [to Robin and Nick at MacLaren's] Guys, I got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. Ha! He buries bones all day.
[whoops]
Barney Stinson: No one chases tail like him. Oooow! Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh I should have let you on this - he's a dog!
[points to bar, where a number of women adore a dog]
Barney Stinson: I call him... "Brover." I'll go - owww! - *fetch* him.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Magician's Code: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2012)

Guard #1: [At the JFK passenger terminal, Barney and Quinn are asked about the luggage]
[sees box in bag]
Guard #1: What's that?
Quinn Garvey: Yeah, what is that?
Barney Stinson: It's a magic box. You see, I'm something of a magician.
Guard #1: Open the box, sir.
Barney Stinson: [laughs] I can't do that.
[K9 barks]
Guard #1: Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Barney Stinson: Oh no, he's probably barking because of the explosives.
[officers draw firearms]
Quinn Garvey: Oh my God.
Guard #1: Tell us what's in the box right now!
Barney Stinson: I can't. Magician's Code.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Slutty Pumpkin Returns (#7.8)" (2011)

Barney Stinson: [Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood] This is nice. What is this?
Waitress: Canadian whiskey.
Barney Stinson: [Spits out drink] I want Scotch... American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me!
[hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin]
Barney Stinson: Why are you doing this to me?
Robin Scherbatsky: You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Band or DJ? (#8.13)" (2013)

Barney Stinson: Your dad has something to say.
Robin Scherbatsky, Sr: I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. It was wrong of me.
Barney Stinson: [Thinking he's done talking] There, now Robin...
Robin Scherbatsky, Sr: [Continues] I know that no mere apology will fix this, and that is why I've asked Carol for a divorce.
Barney Stinson: What?
Robin Scherbatsky, Sr: She's heartbroken, understandably. Possibly suicidal...
Barney Stinson: [to Robin] I did not tell him...
Robin Scherbatsky, Sr: [Continues, interrupting Barney] But if that's the price for my daughter's love, then I will gladly let Carol pay it.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: The Burning Beekeeper (#7.15)" (2012)

Barney Stinson: Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talking about! You've seen her, she's magnificent!
Robin Scherbatsky: She?
Barney Stinson: Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships... and lake monsters.

---

"How I Met Your Mother: Disaster Averted (#7.9)" (2011)

Ted Mosby: [Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene] Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Robin Scherbatsky: Unpopular.
Lily Aldrin: Beaten up.
Barney Stinson: Going to movies with his mom.
Ted Mosby: ...A Boy Scout is always prepared...
Robin Scherbatsky: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Marshall Eriksen: Prepared to die a virgin.
Barney Stinson: Prepared to paint his sister's nails...
Ted Mosby: ...Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
Robin Scherbatsky: You're a tropical depression.

---