Lily Aldrin
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Quotes for
Lily Aldrin (Character)
from "How I Met Your Mother" (2005)

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"How I Met Your Mother: Belly Full of Turkey (#1.9)" (2005)
Marshall: I don't want our kids to play BaskIceball. That game's really dangerous!
Lily: Yeah, what are the rules of that game?
Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other.

Ted: Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition.
Barney: Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus, they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they "share a meal".
Lily: Oh, Barney.
Lily: I'm sorry, Native American.

Marshall: [about where they should raise their future children] Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.
Lily: Oh, so is New York.
[Marshall's family laugh]
Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.

Judy Eriksen: Now that you're going to be a Mrs. Eriksen, I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe. The Eriksen family seven-layer salad.
Lily: Seven-layer salad?
[Judy hands Lily paper with recipe on it]
Lily: [Reading] Six cups of mayonnaise? That can't be right.
Judy Eriksen: Oh no, dear, sixteen cups.
[Places a large glass cylinder next to Lily]
Judy Eriksen: Mayo's in that cabinet.

Clerk: [When Lily is buying a pregnancy test] Happy Thanksgiving.
Lily: [Upset] Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Eriksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside of me.
Clerk: You know the Eriksen's?

Lily: [about why she doesn't fit in in St. Cloud] I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it.

Lily: [while waiting to look at a pregnancy test] Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father.
Lily: [Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head] Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.
Marshall: What does it say?
Lily: I'm afraid to look.
Policeman: [Yelling from outside] It's negative.
Lily: Thank God.
[to Pete]
Lily: And hey!

Marvin Eriksen Sr.: All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes.
Lily: You're gonna go play hockey?
[Mr. Eriksen tosses a basketball to Marcus]
Lily: With a basketball?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskIceball.
Marshall: We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world.
Lily: [Thinks for a second] BaskIceball? Not Iceketball?
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Iceketball? Just sounds weird.


"How I Met Your Mother: Everything Must Go (#3.19)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, today's category, classic westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: The good, the bad and the fabulous.
Lily Aldrin: The magnificent Kevin.
Marshall Eriksen: No country for straight men.

Ted Mosby: How was your day?
Lily Aldrin: I screamed at a little girl for painting a rainbow.
Ted Mosby: Oh. It sounds like the bitch had it coming.

Lily Aldrin: I'm going to give you a Lily Aldrin original, because you're such a good husband. I'm thinking of calling it, "Suck it!"

Ted Mosby: Everyone has something in their closet they don't wear.
Ted Mosby: I don't.
Robin Scherbatsky: Really, red cowboy boots?
Ted Mosby: I pull those off.
Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Lil, if I said, "Ted cannot pull these off" what would I be talking about?
Lily Aldrin: His red cowboy boots.

Marshall Eriksen: I already made a website. Marshall-and-Lily-sell-their-stuff.com.
Lily Aldrin: No, you know what would be a better name? Guy-forces-his-wife-to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag-for-the-next-three-years.com
[Types it in]
Lily Aldrin: It already exists.
Ted Mosby: That woman is really wearing a garbage bag.
Marshall Eriksen: But honey, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.

Lily Aldrin: Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us.
Vendor: Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for?
Lily Aldrin: Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You?
Vendor: Heroin.
Lily Aldrin: Oh. Do you like heroin?
Vendor: Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin.
Lily Aldrin: Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy.

Lily Aldrin: I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress.
Robin Scherbatsky: A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah. Now she belongs to... CanadaGirl@MetroNewsOne.com.
[Looks at Robin]
Robin Scherbatsky: It's still in the family!

Dr. Greer: Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility on a very primal level.
Lily Aldrin: Really? Dogs like my paintings?
Dr. Greer: Yeah. But you know who it bums out? Birds. Yeah. Had a parrot in there today. He took one look at it, pried open his cage, flew right into the ceiling fan.


"How I Met Your Mother: Best Prom Ever (#1.20)" (2006)
Ted: Lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing.
Lily: Intense? I have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for two hundred people! Even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of my butt and consume this coffee table, I need you to roll with it, okay?!
Ted: Wow.

[Lily finds out she can't go into a high school's prom to see a band that she might hire for her wedding]
Barney: No sweat. We'll just sneak in.
Marshall Eriksen: We're not sneaking into a high school prom.
Lily: Yes, we are, it's the only way.
Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea? Man, you really have snapped.
Lily: It's 9 weeks till the wedding. At this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.
Barney: Well...
Lily: No, Barney.

Barney: Hey, what about me? What's my job? What do I get to do?
Lily: Okay, your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.
Barney: Lil, you know I can't promise that.

Lily: Crap! Band! We forgot a band! It's just gonna be silence and then people chewing.
Marshall Eriksen: Shh! Shh! Baby, don't worry about it. I called The 88!
Lily: Who?
Marshall Eriksen: The 88. They're this awesome band. They played my law review party. They were found guilty. On three counts of rocking.

Barney: [When Robin and Lily show him their prom outfits] You look so classy and nice. You're going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's go ho or go home.
Lily: Well, we have to get in. I have to see this band, 'cause we have to make a decision by Monday, 'cause I'm getting married in 71 days, and we still don't have...
Robin: Shh. Sweetie, just focus on one thing at a time, okay? Right now, you just have to dress like a whore and that's it.

Lily: [after Andrew tells her his dreams for after High School] No, you won't accomplish anything you set out to. You'll get a girlfriend the first day of college and you'll give up your independence and you'll never live abroad and you'll wind up old before your time wondering "Whatever happened to my hopes and my dreams?"
Andrew: Whoa. You really think I'll get a girlfriend?

Scooter: You're, you're breaking up with me?
Lily: There's still so much I want to do. I want to travel, live overseas as an artist, maybe have a lesbian relationship. Plus, I think I was just dating you 'cause you look a little bit like Kurt Cobain.
Scooter: I can't believe this. I can change. I can look more like Kurt Cobain.

Scooter: So big news. I heard from umpire school. I'm in!
Lily: Oh, disco! I am so happy for you.
Scooter: You mean happy for us, right, babe?
Lily: Scooter, you're gonna be an umpire someday.
Scooter: No, baby. *We're* gonna be an umpire someday.


"How I Met Your Mother: Purple Giraffe (#1.2)" (2005)
Barney: What does Carlos have that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ooh, stop the tape, rewind, play it again!
Robin: [makes rewind sound] A date tonight?

Ted Mosby: [about Robin] She wants casual... OK. I'll be casual, I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual! You know why? 'Cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole "happily ever after" thing, but you can't do that UNLESS you play the game.
Marshall Eriksen: So you're gonna ask her out?
Ted Mosby: Yeah - NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out, I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out without asking her out...
Lily: ...Did you guys get high?

Marshall Eriksen: All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody "wanged," everybody "chunged." Now The Kid has gotta get to work, and The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted Mosby, Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall.

Ted Mosby: She's still talking to Carlos... I can still win this, it's not over!
Lily: Okay, buddy, time for the tough talk... Robin seems great. But let's look at the facts, you wanna get married. And right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you... but Robin ain't one of them.

Barney: What's he got that I don't?
Robin: A date tonight?
Lily: Ohhhhh, Robin! Pause tape, rewind!
Robin: [makes sound of tape being played backward] A date tonight?
Barney: I don't think I like her...

Lily: [At the bar with Robin] Look who I ran into.
Ted Mosby: Since when do you guys know each other?
Robin: Since about, here.
[Points to top of glass]

Ted Mosby: I just gotta bump into her somewhere. Now if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter.
Lily: That's great, Ted. You'll be the most casual stalker ever.

Lily: Hey I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. Me beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.
Marshall Eriksen: [Stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?
Lily: Not even slightly.
Ted Mosby: [See Ted sitting on the couch] Guys. Boundaries.


"How I Met Your Mother: 46 Minutes (#7.14)" (2012)
Stripper Lily: [Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians] We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
Robin Scherbatsky: [thought] Please God, no!
Barney Stinson: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore!
Butterfly Knife: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

Mickey Aldrin: This lamp absolutely can not be here.
Marshall Eriksen: [Annoyed] Why not?
Mickey Aldrin: It blocks my view of the widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda work-outs.
Lily Aldrin: Isn't she a little old dad?
Mickey Aldrin: You didn't see her when I was a kid. In my mind, she'll always be fifty-four.

Barney Stinson: As new group leader, I say we do something we never would have done with Marshall and Lily here. Remember that amazing idea I had that one time?
Barney Stinson: [Title says "Every night since 2005] Let's go to a strip club.
Lily Aldrin: Nope.
Barney Stinson: [Back to present] So, what do you guys say? Let's declare your Independence with a on-the-pen-dance.
[Gets silence]
Barney Stinson: on-the-pen-dance.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, we got it.

Marshall Eriksen: We've got no cell reception. I wanted to call Ted. This feels weird; the last time I lived this far from him was my semster abroad.
Lily Aldrin: You never did a semester abroad?
Marshall Eriksen: That's what I called it when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.

Narrator: A while back we discovered the most amazing thing: Lily had a doppelganger who was a Russian stripper
Barney Stinson: Look at her Ted: she's just like old less-good Lily, but instead of bossing us around, she shows us her boobs.
[Moves a hand toward her]
Stripper Lily: [Slaps his hand] No touching.
Barney Stinson: Okay, a little bossing us around. I call her Better Lily!

Ted Mosby: [Drunk] Who needs Marshall and Lily. We have a new gang and we're all gonna hang out together forever.
Stripper Lily: My shift is done. Good-bye.
Barney Stinson: Wait, stop! Technically this song's not over, so we own you. Plus, we're best friends! Where to next?
Arvydas: We go to underground poker game in mostly abandoned insane asylum.
Barney Stinson: Yes! This is going to be AWESOME. And when it is I want you all to remember who lead you there: Barney Stinson; new gang leader.
[Cut to sketchiest poker game ever]

Lily Aldrin: [Marshall is still wondering around in dark] Marshall! I just remember I saw a box of matches in the drawer next to the trash can.
Marshall Eriksen: Thanks baby
[See Mickey dart around Marshall and take the matches]
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, I can't find them!
Mickey Aldrin: [On the inter-com, lights match] Looking for these?
[laughs evilly]
Mickey Aldrin: Oh right, you can't see me. I'm burning the matches you so desperately need
[laughs evilly until the match burns to his fingers]
Mickey Aldrin: Ah! Ooo. Ow!


"How I Met Your Mother: Milk (#1.21)" (2006)
Ted: No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake!
Lily: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I dunno, you said mistake a lot.

Ted: [speaks in code because Marshall is in the room] So, Lil, did you... get the milk?
Lily: Yeah. Yeah, I got it.
Ted: You think you might wanna... drink the milk?
Lily: No. No, I'm good. I don't need any milk.

Lily: 28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh.
Narrator: Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad. Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story. But I'll get to that later.
Lily: Still, you know, another year older. Still single. You don't hear your Tedological clock ticking?

Ted: I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.
Lily: Well, what's perfect?
Ted: It's not like I have a list.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, yes, you do.
Ted: Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids - a boy and a girl...
Lily: That's not hard. I know at least...
Ted: I'm not done. She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
Marshall Eriksen: Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
Ted: Any Kim from any cool band, really. Can't be too picky.
Lily: You're never going to find this girl.

Lily: You can never tell Marshall.
Ted: I won't.
Lily: Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl.
Ted: I swear on Luke and Leia.

Ted: I know you do. Come here. It's okay. Look... Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out.
Lily: But why am I the only one? How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy?
Marshall Eriksen: [In Barney's office] So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice.

Ted: Hey. So, Lil, did you, uh, get the milk?
Lily: Yeah. Yeah, I-I got it.
Ted: You think you might want to... drink the milk?
Lily: No. Nope, I'm good. I don't need any milk.
Marshall Eriksen: Look, guys, I know milk is important - it's got vitamin A, vitamin D, it's a great way to start the morning - but Ted just had a huge date!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Bracket (#3.14)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Robin Scherbatsky: Of course there are.
Barney Stinson: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
Lily Aldrin: You can not be more evil.
Barney Stinson: Sorry, five. Recently widowed.

Barney Stinson: This is a nightmare! Some woman that I slept with and screwed over is trying to ruin my life. God, why is this happening to me?
Lily Aldrin: It's karma.
Barney Stinson: Nah, it's not Karma. She's stripping in Vegas... plus we're good.

Barney Stinson: She said I hooked up with her? Well, what's her name? What'd she look like?
Lily Aldrin: She didn't say her name. But she had blonde hair, boobs... kinda trashy.
Barney Stinson: Dead in the eyes with an aura of self-loathing and despair?
Lily Aldrin: Yes!
Barney Stinson: That's all of them!

Lily Aldrin: Maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are.
Barney Stinson: Oh, really, then why am I not in prison for perjury?
[Waves hand dismissively]
Barney Stinson: But I don't wanna talk about work.

Lily Aldrin: [about Ted and Marshall betting on College football] Why do you guys put yourselves through this? You lose every year.
Ted Mosby: That's because in the past, we were just guessing. This year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries. This isn't March Madness. This is March Meticulously Thought-outness.
Barney Stinson: Your team lost 20 minutes ago.
Ted Mosby: I didn't know they were playing today.

Lily Aldrin: [Going through the women Barney has slept with, trying to find the one that keeps sabotaging him] The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he faked proposed to.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's fake proposal girl. I mean, she hired a wedding planner!
Ted Mosby: 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris!
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!
Barney Stinson: Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.
Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby: 12 hours to live!
Robin Scherbatsky: Damn it!

Lily Aldrin: [Lily is trying to get him to confront Meg, a girl he slept with] Lily, this girl hates me. I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her, and then ditched her there. She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop, and spent eight days in jail. Oh, crap, there she is! If she sees me, she's gonna kill me!
Lily Aldrin: Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
[Calls out]
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Meg! Over here! Look who it is! Yo old friend Meg: Barney! Barney?
Barney Stinson: [Trying to hide] If she kills me, I want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the East River.


"How I Met Your Mother: Ducky Tie (#7.3)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: Oh, guess who I ran into
[at the Architect's Ball]
Ted Mosby: . A girl from my past. Any guesses?
Lily Aldrin: Stella.
Barney Stinson: Zoey.
Marshall Eriksen: Karen?
Lily Aldrin: The girl who beat you up.
Barney Stinson: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!
Marshall Eriksen: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?
Ted Mosby: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Lily Aldrin: I am going to have to walk this earth knowing that Barney has touched my boobs.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah it stays with yah. His email reminders don't help.

Lily Aldrin: Terms, if you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off I will let you touch one boob.
Barney Stinson: Both boobs!
Lily Aldrin: Just one.
Barney Stinson: Touch and squeeze.
Lily Aldrin: Just touch.
Barney Stinson: Touch and motor boat.
Lily Aldrin: Just touch.
Barney Stinson: Honka honka?
Lily Aldrin: [Annoyed] Barney...
Barney Stinson: Just touch.
Lily Aldrin: Just touch.
Barney Stinson: For one hour.
Lily Aldrin: For one second!
Barney Stinson: Twenty minutes both boobs.
Lily Aldrin: Thirty seconds one boob.
Barney Stinson: Four minutes, both boobs, three squeezes.
Lily Aldrin: One minute, both boobs, one squeeze.
Barney Stinson: Deal!

Barney Stinson: [about Lily's boobs] What are you waiting for, Lil? Bust 'em out, make 'em dance!
Lily Aldrin: No!
Barney Stinson: [singing] Let your boobies show!
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, I'm sorry, pal, but the party of my wife's sweater is a private event, and I'm the bouncer, so...
Robin Scherbatsky: Dude, I think they are the bouncers.
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, can we stop talking about my wife's breasts? It's... Ted ran into Victoria!
Ted Mosby: I know, I'm-I'm still a little shaken about it, I mean, there she was after all these years, the emotions, and memories, and... Jeez, Lily, it's like you have a butt on your chest.

Lily Aldrin: [Barney is trying to get Lily to show her boobs] Why on *Earth* would I want to see that?
Barney Stinson: They're round and attached to my body; it's an even trade.

Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, it's so funny how the past, you know, you think you're doing fine, but because true love... God, Lily, what on Earth is going on with your cans?
Lily Aldrin: Ah, these little thangs? Hmm, I got my pregnancy boobs!I'm in that sweet spot where the chestal area knows I'm pregnant, but hasn't told the downstairs neighbors.

Ted Mosby: [Helping Victoria wash dishes] Well, this is great. You know what else is getting clean along with this cupcake tray? My conscience.
Victoria: You got anything else you need to atone for? My oven needs cleaning
Ted Mosby: No, nothing else.
[Looking at Victoria]
Ted Mosby: Not yet anyway.
Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen, Barney Stinson: [At the restaurant, singing] Bang, bang, bangity bang, I said a bang-bang-bangity...
Victoria: [Cut back] I'm getting married
Robin Scherbatsky: ...bang


"How I Met Your Mother: Disaster Averted (#7.9)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: [Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene] Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Robin Scherbatsky: Unpopular.
Lily Aldrin: Beaten up.
Barney Stinson: Going to movies with his mom.
Ted Mosby: ...A Boy Scout is always prepared...
Robin Scherbatsky: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Marshall Eriksen: Prepared to die a virgin.
Barney Stinson: Prepared to paint his sister's nails...
Ted Mosby: ...Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
Robin Scherbatsky: You're a tropical depression.

Lily Aldrin: [Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie] Don't let him tempt you, baby.
Marshall Eriksen: I don't know Lily, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.

Marshall Eriksen: Nobody wakes up and says, "Today I'm going to star in a YouTube video!"
Lily Aldrin: You've said that at least a dozen times.

Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall has become obsessed with death since his insurance ran out] The Grim reaper beckons. I feel his icy grip 'round my throat. The breath of his hounds at me heels the unrelenting rat-tat-tat of his scythe on my chamber door. And you? With your blithe request you only hasten his inevitable triumph. Is that what you desire? Is that what you desire, Lily?
Lily Aldrin: I just wanted you to get us some bagels.
Marshall Eriksen: Bagels! Do you have ANY idea what could happen to me whilst getting bagels?

Barney Stinson: [about the ducky tie] Please let me take it off!
Lily Aldrin: No.
Barney Stinson: Five thousand dollars!
Lily Aldrin: No.
Kevin: Is he serious?
Barney Stinson: Ten thousand dollars!
Lily Aldrin: No.
Kevin: Dude, just take the money.
Barney Stinson: Twenty thousand dollars!
Marshall Eriksen: No.
Kevin: Yes!
Barney Stinson: I'll let you slap me in the face as hard as you can!
Marshall Eriksen: You have my attention.

Barney Stinson: [after Barney agrees to new arrangements, Barney removes the Ducky tie] I'm free. God, this feels so good! I - I
[Barney notices Marshall stretching and preparing to slap]
Barney Stinson: This was a mistake. I want to put the tie back on. I want to put the tie back on! Why do I have to be Barney Stinson now?
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Lily Aldrin: Three slaps remaining!
Marshall Eriksen: Three slaps. Wow, I like the sound of that. I think I'll save those bad boys. You know, for a rainy day.
Barney Stinson: Okay, the worst is over.
[Marshall slaps Barney again]
Lily Aldrin: Two slaps remaining!
Marshall Eriksen: It's all right. It's all done - for now.
Barney Stinson: I think I have to go home now and re-evaluate how I make life decisions.

Maya: If she's
[Referring to Lily]
Maya: going, then I'm not going!
Ted Mosby: Lily, you're staying. Let's go!
Marshall Eriksen: If Lily's staying, then I'm staying!
Lily Aldrin: Then I'm going!
Marshall Eriksen: Then I'm going!
Barney Stinson: You can't go Marshall 'cause I'm going!
Robin Scherbatsky: If Barney's going, then I'm not going!
Marshall Eriksen: Then I can go!
Lily Aldrin: Then I'm staying!
Marshall Eriksen: Then I'm staying!
Lily Aldrin: Then I'm going!
Maya: Then I'm not going!
Ted Mosby: You know what? I'm GOING!


"How I Met Your Mother: Moving Day (#2.18)" (2007)
Lily: Okay, I think we need to lay down some ground rules. Just because we can be loud, doesn't mean we have to be loud. And although it might turn you on, you screaming, 'I'M THE BEST!' doesn't do much for me.
Marshall: Well, it's a lot better than yelling, 'Ted's not here!' over and over again.
Lily: Well, at least what I said is true!
Marshall: Well that was unnecessary.

Lily: I put all your heavy jackets in this box marked "winter." And all your colorful sweaters in this box marked "Bill Cosby."

Marshall: This is so great! We can finally do all the things we always said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Lily: Oh, I know what I want to start with.
[Cut to them sitting on the couch naked]
Marshall: So, here we are, right? Sitting around the apartment naked. Awesome.
Lily: [Without enthusiasm] Yep.
Marshall: It's not as awesome as I thought it would be.
Lily: My butt itches.
Marshall: I'm cold.
Lily: I noticed.

Barney Stinson: If I had a room here all I have to do is get them upstairs. Come on, guys. It'll be great! We'll come in after you guys are asleep and I'll be gone before you wake up.
Lily: So, you get to have sex and we get to wake some skanky girl up in the morning and kick her out?
Barney Stinson: God, Lily. Some guy just told her that he loved her then pretended to go to the bathroom and never came back you can't make her a cup of coffee? Real nice.

Marshall Eriksen: Lily... deep within the Amazonian rainforest, there is a type of tree that only grows around the body of an existing tree. It cannot survive without this tree. It is supported... by this tree. Lily, we are that tree.
Lily: The inside tree or the outside tree?
Marshall Eriksen: The outside tree.
Lily: Shouldn't there be three trees?
Marshall Eriksen: You and I are one tree. Okay, look, Lily, the point is that we grew around Ted and without him, we're slowly dying.
Lily: What do we do?
Marshall Eriksen: I think we can marry each other. But we also have to marry Ted.
Lily: I'll tell you right now, my Dad is not gonna pay for that wedding.

Ted Mosby: Look, I know that you guys were really excited to have a place to yourself, and... until after the wedding, I mean, if it's not too much of an imp...
[Lily and Marshall interrupt Ted by hugging him, one at each side of him, looking peaceful. Ted looks rather uncomfortable]
Ted Mosby: Um...
Marshall: God, this feels so right.
Lily: Mm. Never leave us again.
Ted Mosby: Guys, Robin's down in the truck, and there's actually a lot of boxes...
[Lily hushes him while she and Marshall are still hugging Ted]


"How I Met Your Mother: Single Stamina (#2.10)" (2006)
Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean!
[back on topic]
Barney: Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out.
[in despair]
Barney: Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

Lily: Then there was the time they scored the brother-sister combo.
Barney: It was everything we ever dreamed of while watching Donny and Marie. She was a little bit country...
James: ...he was a little bit way into black guys.

Ted: Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike.
Lily: James is gay.
Robin Scherbatsky: Really?
[to Barney]
Robin Scherbatsky: Never in a million years would I picture you with a gay brother; that's awesome!
Ted: Yeah, we just wanted you to have a heads-up so you don't act all surprised when he gets here.
[Barney's black brother enters the apartment]
Robin Scherbatsky: [sarcastic] Thanks for the heads-up.

Lily: I miss my jammies. I can't believe I wore a bra for this.
Robin Scherbatsky: Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural.
Lily: Yeah! They're like a booby zoo!

Lily: James, how have you been?
James: Awesome, as per "yoozh." I just went skinny-skydiving. Legendary. And my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals."Legendarier." And by now you've noticed the suit. go 'head, touch it. Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor who upon completing the very last stitch in this suit dropped dead, which is ironic because that is how gorgeous I look in it. C'mon. Gimme five!

Older Ted: In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep in couple hibernation mode. Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold.
Barney: [Entering the apartment] Okay. All-night rave, abandoned tire factory in Newark. We're on the list. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Robin Scherbatsky: No.
Barney: [Another time] Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Lily, Robin Scherbatsky, Marshall Eriksen: No, thanks.
Barney: [And again] One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in?
Marshall Eriksen: Shh... Lily went sleepy-bye.


"How I Met Your Mother: World's Greatest Couple (#2.5)" (2006)
Barney Stinson: While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
Lily Aldrin: Marshall does not porn.
Barney Stinson: Ha ha ha, that's sweet.

Lily Aldrin: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
Barney Stinson: [Points to wall] See that wall?
[Turns on TV]
Barney Stinson: 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
Lily Aldrin: It hurts my eyes...
Barney Stinson: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Ted Mosby: Is that a toilet in your kitchen?
Ted Mosby: Or a stove in your bathroom?
Lily Aldrin: Oh... that's not just a stove. That's a stoveinkerator! A combination of a stove, oven, sink and refrigerator. Stoveinkerator! Isn't that futuristic?
Ted Mosby: God, I hope not.

Barney Stinson: Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours... fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!
Lily Aldrin: Ewwww... is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say 'gimme multiple high-fives'!
Barney Stinson: Wow, you really are desperate.
Lily Aldrin: I really am.

Lily Aldrin: Barney, you've clearly some some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But in my other apartment, I'd be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so, you win.

Narrator: Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma. In all the years we lived in new york, none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. Until one day, one of us did.
Barney Stinson: [In Barney's bed, Lily and Barney wake up] Aaaaaaah!
Lily Aldrin: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Narrator: It's a pretty good story. And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role.


"How I Met Your Mother: Ted Mosby, Architect (#2.4)" (2006)
Carl: Hey Lily! Still single?
Lily Aldrin: Yes.
Carl: You know, I've poured a lot of free drinks for you over the years. A lot.
Lily Aldrin: Carl, do you really wanna be with a woman who would trade sex for beer?
Carl: Only if you're into it.

Robin Scherbatsky: [after hearing Ted went to a club with a girl] Dancing? He went dancing with this girl? Okay, maybe this is a little bad. Dancing is bad. Dancing leads to sex.
Lily Aldrin: Did you grow up in that Footloose town?

Robin Scherbatsky: [Outside nightclub] Excuse me. I'm looking for a couple guys who came in here earlier. One's about six-four, 210, sandy brown hair. And the other's a cheating bastard.
Bouncer: You're going to need to refresh my memory.
Lily Aldrin: Okay, fella. Baby knows how this game's played. How's a 20 help your memory?
[Hands him a 20 dollar bill]
Bouncer: Thanks, but seriously, it was crazy tonight. You really do need to refresh my memory.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, Then can I have the...?
[Tries to take her money back, but the bouncer pockets it]
Lily Aldrin: That's cool. You keep that.

Robin Scherbatsky: You know this girl. Where does she live?
Bouncer: I'm not telling you that for less than 20 bucks.
Lily Aldrin: Well, I'm out of money.
Robin Scherbatsky: I'm cashed, too.
Bouncer: I'll take your purse.
Robin Scherbatsky: My purse?
Bouncer: Yeah, my girl likes clutches.
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, fine.
[Takes everything out of her purse then hands it over]
Lily Aldrin: [to the bouncer] You should tell her that looks really good with a chocolate boot.
Robin Scherbatsky: Bitch is lucky I brought my small purse. No room for my gun. Here. Now where does the rodeo slut live?
Bouncer: The building with the green light, apartment 3-C.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God, Robin, are you going to kick this girl's ass?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah... And steal her purse.

Ted: How was your day?
Robin Scherbatsky: Good.
[Walks away]
Ted: Wow, you're a great interviewer. Aren't you gonna ask how my day was?
Robin Scherbatsky: No, I know how it was. It was awful.
[Moves along]
Robin Scherbatsky: Ooh, you want to rent a movie tonight?
Ted: You know, um... I listen to your work stories all the time.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, but... and I don't want to be rude here, but my work stories are interesting. I'm a television news reporter.
Lily Aldrin: [Cut to Robin and Lily talking at the chiropodist] Robin!
Robin Scherbatsky: What? I knew exactly what he was going to say. I was just helping him get there faster.
Lily Aldrin: You should work at a suicide hotline.

Lily Aldrin: [after hearing Ted invited a girl from the bar to Marshall's law party] He asked her to a party. Oh, my God, are you okay?
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay? It's awesome. It's a win-win. Ted got to vent and I don't have to hear it. Maybe after he's done with the talkie-talk, he'll come over and I'll get the fun part.
Lily Aldrin: What is wrong with you? God, I feel like I'm teaching love as a second language here. Okay, you know how when he tells you boring work stories you're supposed to listen? Well, when he picks up some random girl at a bar, you're supposed to freak out.
Robin Scherbatsky: I'm not freaking out because in my mind, she's fat.
Paula: She's a kickboxing instructor. Her ass looks better than my face.
Robin Scherbatsky: All right, we'll swing by the party.


"How I Met Your Mother: Not a Father's Day (#4.7)" (2008)
Robin Scherbatsky: What's that?
Lily Aldrin: One of Jeremy's socks. I'm having a baby!
Robin Scherbatsky: But what about all the things we talked about?
Lily Aldrin: But... but sock!
Robin Scherbatsky: What about Marshall working all the time?
Lily Aldrin: But sock!
Robin Scherbatsky: What about Project Lily?
Lily Aldrin: It's got little fishies on it!
Robin Scherbatsky: All this discussion, and a sock makes your decision for you?
Ted Mosby: I guess that's what you call a sock-er punch.

Lily: Maybe it is a false alarm. Maybe she is not pregnant.
Barney: Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than a 110%. If one my little Michael Phelps has got loose, he is swimming for a gold.

Lily Aldrin: Marshall and I made this big decision to have... dinner... and I thought I was ready to have... dinner... but then he called and canceled and it got me thinking, is it too early for us to have... dinner?
Ted Mosby: Well, I had an early lunch, so I'm ready for dinner
Lily Aldrin: Dinner is a baby
Robin Scherbatsky: Lily, that's horrible!

Lily Aldrin: Ted, you may be single and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad.
Ted Mosby: I don't think I like your tone, young lady.
[Lily shrinks, as if she is the daughter]

Marshall Eriksen: [On the phone] Hey, babe. It's breakfast time in China.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah it is.
Marshall Eriksen: Not a euphemism. Look, I... wait... what would that even mean?
Lily Aldrin: I don't know. Hot buns, spicy pork, there's something there. You're not coming home tonight are you?
Marshall Eriksen: [shakes his head]
Lily Aldrin: Are you shaking your head no?
Marshall Eriksen: [Nods]
Lily Aldrin: I thought so.

Lily: [about having a baby] Marshall's really excited. But I think he only see's what's cute about having a baby, not what's hard about it.
[Flashback]
Lily: Like the other day, while Marshall was playing with baby Jeremy, I was talking with Jeremy's mom.
Charlotte: Thank so much for inviting us over. I have not talked to another adult in like weeks. Well, besides my husband, but 'It's your turn to change him' and 'Make him shut up' really doesn't count as conversation. Sorry. I'm rambling. I haven't gotten laid in seven months. Oh, I just did it again. Sleep deprivation! Oh, wait, I'm not crying, am I? I usually am. I don't mean to complain. Oh, now I feel bad.
[Goes to the baby]
Charlotte: Oh, there's my little peanut. Oh I love you so much.
Lily: [In present] I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte. Worse, actually. At least her husband works from home. I mean, he's a pot dealer but he's a very involved parent.


"How I Met Your Mother: Zip, Zip, Zip (#1.14)" (2006)
[Lily and Marshal are stuck in the bathroom and Lily has to pee]
Marshall Eriksen: How much longer do you think you can hold it?
Lily Aldrin: I drank a big gulp of Mountain Dew during that Quantum Leap marathon.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh boy.

Marshall Eriksen: [Listening in on Ted and Victoria] God, close the deal, already. It's been, like, 45 minutes... we could have had sex three times by now.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, try five.
Marshall Eriksen: What up!
[They high five]

Marshall Eriksen: It's not fair to compare us to Ted and Victoria. This is their first time.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, but we could still have some more romance. Now, you just say, "Wanna do it?" And I say, "Yeah."
Marshall Eriksen: Wanna do...
Lily Aldrin: [Reprimanding] No!

Marshall Eriksen: [after Lily peed in front of him for the first time] And you know what, I actually feel closer to you now.
[Begins mimicking Ted]
Marshall Eriksen: I want to know you. Like, know your soul.
Lily Aldrin: [Continuing] Marshall, what makes you cry?
Marshall Eriksen: This moment is fleeting because it's being chased by another moment.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, just grab my boob already.

Marshall Eriksen: [When Ted and Victoria are in the apartment, think Lily and Marshall are away] All we have to do is hide out in here until Ted moves his mojo into the bedroom.
Lily Aldrin: But I don't want to hide out in here.
Marshall Eriksen: Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind waiting for this. If we go out there and spoil the mood, it's not going to happen. Then one of us is going to have to have sex with Ted, and... not going to be me.

Victoria: I think this may be a perfect moment. I wish we could hold onto it forever.
Ted Mosby: No. Because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting. By its very nature, it... slips through our fingers... making it that much more precious.
Lily Aldrin: [In the bathroom, Lily and Marshall are eavesdropping... ] Ugh, that is bad. That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad.
Marshall Eriksen: And they're not even high.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Sexless Innkeeper (#5.4)" (2009)
Barney Stinson: Ah, tweed. Fabric of the eunuch.
Lily Aldrin: I've always wondered why tweed jackets have those elbow pads?
Barney Stinson: That's because people who wear tweed are always going...
[Puts head on hands and elbows on table]
Barney Stinson: Aw, gee. When will I get laid?

[after the double date between Lily and Marshall and Barney and Robin]
Lily Aldrin: Nailed it!
Marshall Eriksen: Best date night ever!
[They high five each other]
Barney Stinson: [Outside the door] Worst night ever!
[Robin mimes shooting herself in the head]

Barney Stinson: We're sorry we haven't been returning your calls, and we respect you too much to give you the old song-and-dance, so here's the truth. The US Navy has found intelligent life at the bottom of the ocean, and for reasons too complicated to explain, Robin and I have been chosen to lead the expedition.
Lily Aldrin: That's just like the kind of line you give your dates when you want to dump them.
Marshall Eriksen: But if it's true, that would be awesome.

Lily Aldrin: Game time. Let's review the flow of the room. Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas. That's a great conversation starter. We can tell them about our trip to Cabo.
Marshall Eriksen: Great, 'cause I got that story about Sammy Hagar Anthe Belgian waffle locked and loaded.
Lily Aldrin: Then we'll move on to the hot apps station. And, depending on how things are going, Some lively pre-dinner charades.
Marshall Eriksen: Right, but, uh, we'll play that one by...
[Points to his ears]
Lily Aldrin: Sounds like?
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, you can be Robin's partner.

Marshall Eriksen: If I recall, they didn't dump us until you brought up that Vermont trip. It was way too early. First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip to Vermont. It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, what about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades? I gave you one thing to do, Marshall. One thing.
Marshall Eriksen: [Offended] One thing?
[Lily nods]
Marshall Eriksen: One thing? Wow. Really? So, I guess that gouda Just walked itself right through the door... Sliced itself up, and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle around not three, not four... But *five* different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?
Lily Aldrin: You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker!

Lily Aldrin: [Standing outside their apartment] How do we know you two won't hurt us again?
Robin Scherbatsky: You don't.
Marshall Eriksen: You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment Who are perfect for us.
Barney Stinson: Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?
Lily Aldrin: Damn it. Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy... And girl?
Marshall Eriksen: I think we can change them.
Lily Aldrin: Come here, you two.
[Group hug]
Barney Stinson: We'll never sleep on the Gouda again!


"How I Met Your Mother: Aldrin Justice (#2.6)" (2006)
Ted Mosby: Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Lily's going to be our new office assistant.
Hammond Druthers: Ah.
Lily Aldrin: Nice to meet you.
Hammond Druthers: Isn't it?

Lily Aldrin: Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Then he stared at me until I laughed.

Ted Mosby: Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Lily Aldrin: Oh. You know what, Ted? That was very nice. You have earned these screws back.
[Gives him a handful of screws]
Lily Aldrin: Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.

Robin Scherbatsky: [about Lily taking things from people who act mean] Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about that time at the Gap?
Lily Aldrin: Oh, that was a good one. This sales guy was rude to Robin, so I took a pair of khakis.
Robin Scherbatsky: [to Ted] I gave them to you for your birthday.
Ted Mosby: So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?
Lily Aldrin: I prefer to call them "justice khakis."
Ted Mosby: That's not justice. It's shoplifting, and it's a crime.
Lily Aldrin: So is being mean.

Hammond Druthers: Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note.
[Reads]
Hammond Druthers: "Dear Mr. Druthers,I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, and he may shuffle off at any minute." Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but maybe that's the wrong reaction here.
Lily Aldrin: [to Ted] Interesting
Hammond Druthers: Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing three people an hour. And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose - major league baseball's all-time hit leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is a travesty to the entire sports world - ever "allegedly" did!

Ted Mosby: [after Lily takes Hammond Druthers' baseball] Give him his ball back right now. People are going to get fired!
Lily Aldrin: No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time.
Ted Mosby: This isn't kindergarten. Mr Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back.
Lily Aldrin: All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.
Ted Mosby: No. You'll give it back or you're fired
Lily Aldrin: I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that.
Ted Mosby: Then you're fired.
Lily Aldrin: Fine. Here's the ball. At least you have one now.


"How I Met Your Mother: Spoiler Alert (#3.8)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: [on Marshall's grocery list] This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.
Lily Aldrin: What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney Stinson: And your mom was perfect.

Ted Mosby: So, i just got off the phone with Cathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now... See it now?... Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she have possibly done in that time that was so horrible? Was it...
[Flashback, at the restaurant]
Ted Mosby: I'll be back in one second.
Cathy: One time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, i told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me.
[laughs]
Cathy: He's still in jail.
[End flashback]
Ted Mosby: Or maybe...
Ted Mosby: [New flashback] I'll be back in a second.
Cathy: So I volunte at the pound.
Lily: Oh, isn't that nice?
Cathy: Yeah. You can't imagine the rush you get from killing a unwanted dog. I make bracelets out of the collars.
[End flashback]
Ted Mosby: Or...
[Another flashback]
Ted Mosby: I'll be back in one second.
Cathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. yeah. I remember when I had a penis.

Barney Stinson: There's another one called "Golden Reliever", where this dog...
Lily Aldrin: We can guess.

Lily: Ugh, this is all Ted's fault. Ooh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector.
Robin Scherbatsky: What are you talking about?
Lily: Oh, come on, you dated the guy for a year and didn't notice that most of what he says is correcting you?
[flashback]
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, can you hand me a Kleenex?
Ted: Actually, Kleenex is a brand, this is a facial tissue.
[flashback; during a movie]
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl?
Ted: Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene, that's Frankenstein's monster.
[flashback; after having sex]
Robin Scherbatsky: That literally blew my mind.
Ted: Figuratively.
[back to the bar]
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, my God, that is so annoying!
Lily: Isn't it?

Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, my God, Lily! What are you eating? Gravel?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I know, right? It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner!
Lily Aldrin: Well, why don't you sing about it?
Marshall Eriksen: [singing] Because I don't sing about everything I do!
Robin Scherbatsky: No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense words, like a stroke victim. And what's worse: they're catchy! Apple, Orchard, Banana Cat Dance.
Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin, Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby: 8663.
Robin Scherbatsky: See, we know that one because you once sang it for like three hours? What the hell is that?
Marshall Eriksen: That's my password: AOBCD8663.


"How I Met Your Mother: Atlantic City (#2.8)" (2006)
Marshall Eriksen: [after having sex on the kitchen] That was a creative use of pancake syrup.
Lily Aldrin: I can't even look Mrs. Butterworth in the eye.

Lily Aldrin: That's a very cute dress.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, thank you.
Lily Aldrin: It has to come off. I'm getting married. You can't look better than the bride.

Marshall Eriksen: I don't get it. Hundreds of people get married in Atlantic City all the time.
Registrar: Yes, but not to elope. They come for the white, sandy beaches, world-class amenities and Riviera-like ambience.
Lily Aldrin: Are you kidding me? Have you been outside?
Ted Mosby: There is half a rotting orca whale not ten feet from our room.

Marshall Eriksen: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.
Receptionist: Aaww... I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!
Lily Aldrin: Really?
Receptionist: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, so can we see a judge?
Receptionist: Absolutely!
Lily Aldrin: Really?
Receptionist: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall Eriksen: [Clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?
Receptionist: Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!
Robin Scherbatsky: Really?
Receptionist: Is what I would say...
Marshall Eriksen: [Interrupting] You know what? We get it.

Narrator: [about the game Shing Hasabu Shing] Now, I had been to a lot of casinos before that night, and I've been to a lot of casinos since, but in all that time I've never seen a game quite like this one. To this day, I have no idea how it was played. But luckily, Barney did.
Lily Aldrin: Do you understand what's happening?
Ted Mosby: Not a clue.
Robin Scherbatsky: Do you think he's winning?
Ted Mosby: I don't even know if he's playing.
Marshall Eriksen: Wait, I get it. I understand this game.
Ted Mosby: No, you don't.
Marshall Eriksen: I totally understand the game, Theodore. Barney, split your tiles. You can triple your money if you find the jellybean.
Barney Stinson: Marshall, please. Don't you think I know what I'm... My God, you're right.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Duel (#1.8)" (2005)
Lily: A sword fight?
Marshall, Ted: Sorry, Lily.
Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry - is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?

Lily: I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing.
Robin: When was the last time you were there?
Lily: Three months ago
[Robin laughs]
Lily: What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there.

Lily: OK so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.
[Lily turns to Robin]
Lily: She may be 98 years old but she's still...
[Has a sudden realization]
Lily: She's dead, isn't she?
Chinese Waitress: Never even saw the bus.

Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese
[Points to the cheese on the counter]
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.

Lily: [At the Chinese restaurant that was formally her apartment] OK, a toast.
[Everyone lifts their cup]
Lily: Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.
Barney, Robin, Marshall, Ted: Here here. Cheers
[Everyone clinks glasses]
Barney: And to the lemon law!
Barney: [Barney lifts up his glass, no one joins him] Self-clink.
[Barney picks up another cup and clinks his two cups together]


"How I Met Your Mother: Stuff (#2.16)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: You get rid of your iguana when it poops in your hair, but you don't get rid of your dog.
Marshall Eriksen: I miss Jebeddiah.

Barney: Mosit
Lily: [freaks out and twitches]
Barney: Moist... mosit... moist
[while Lily keeps twitching]
Ted: [Narrating to his kids in the future] And that was only the first 40 mins of Uncle Barney's show
Ted: And after that we had to endure
Barney: [Spraying Lily with water with a small squirt gun from stage]
Barney: [Squirt guns empties] I'm out, I have to go and refill. Please don't go, the shows not over.
Marshall: [Disappointed] I am never chosen for audience participation.

Actor: I am Rage.
Actress: I am Greed.
Lily Aldrin: I am Rage!... uh, Envy.
Barney Stinson: And I am outta here.

Lily Aldrin: [holds a mirror in front of Ted's face] This is the face of Consumerism!
Marshall Eriksen: Oh my God, Ted's part of the play.

Marshall Eriksen: Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Ted Mosby: I had no idea Greed was the killer!
Robin Scherbatsky: And when it became a play within the play, I was, like, now we are really cookin'!
Barney Stinson: [while hugging Lily] Wow, Lily, it sucked!
Marshall Eriksen: Barney...
Barney Stinson: What? It was terrible. Oh, come on, you guys agree, right? Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest, 'cause, you know, we're friends.
Lily Aldrin: No, friends make each other feel good! They... they build each other up and support them. That's what being a good friend is about.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, if you're a smurf.


"How I Met Your Mother: Matchmaker (#1.7)" (2005)
Marshall: No, it wasn't a cockroach, it had fur. And only mammals have fur.
Lily: It was a cockroach.
Marshall: Come on Lily, the only way it was a cockroach was if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Lily: Oh my god!
Marshall: Yeah, it had six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach!
Lily: But it also had mouse-like characteristics, grey brown tufts of fur, a tail.
Robin: So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
Marshall: It's a cockamouse!
Lily: It's a whole new species, the cockamouse.
Marshall: And it's the size of a potato.
Robin: So what now, a cocka-potato-mouse?
Marshall: Don't make it sound ridiculous, it's a cockamouse.

Lily: Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. Ted-out: to over-think. Also see Ted-up. Ted-up: to over-think something with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when...
Ted: [Interrupting] OK, I get it.

Lily: [after spotting the Cockamouse] Do something!
Lily: [Robin throws a drink at it] What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk?
Robin: It was the only think I could think of!

Lily: [about the Cockamouse] It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse... you know...
Barney: Hit the horizontal ten-legged inter-species cha-cha?
Robin: That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
Lily: Oh, but it can.
Marshall: And it has.
Lily: And it's pissed.

Robin: [after Marshall captures the Cockamouse and throws it out the window] It can fly.
Marshall, Lily: Wow.
Marshall: Be free, mutant beast. I'll miss this private war of ours. I grew to admire your tenacious... Oh my God, it's headed this way!
[Slams the window shut]


"How I Met Your Mother: The Stinsons (#4.15)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Hot blonde babies drinking bad decision juice at eight o'clock.
Marshall Eriksen: Nice rack radar. That's my wife.
Barney Stinson: Nah, I gotta get going.
Lily Aldrin: Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk, isn't that your type?
Barney Stinson: Maybe I don't have a type Lily. God do you think the male mind is really that simplistic. That we all have one favorite type, geez.
Barney Stinson: [to Ted and Marshall] Asian, with some boob.

Lily Aldrin: Where are you going, Barney?
Barney Stinson: The beach. It's winter. Laser tag. Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere!

Marshall Eriksen: You're telling me that when you watch "The Karate Kid", you don't root for Daniel-san?
Ted Mosby: Who do you root for in "Die Hard"?
Barney Stinson: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He's the title character.
Lily Aldrin: What about "The Breakfast Club"?
Barney Stinson: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Robin Scherbatsky: I've got one. "The Terminator".
Barney Stinson: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn't get to kill all those people?
[Breaks down]
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry. I just get so emotional.
Ted Mosby: I am never watching a movie with you again.
Barney Stinson: They didn't even try to help him!

Lily Aldrin: This is crazy. You actually cast your own son?
Barney Stinson: For a while, I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby. And this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog, I got away with a bag of flour and a Chuckie mask. But eventually, I had to hold auditions.
[Flashback]
Barney Stinson: Four, eight... thirteen, Stay. The rest of you may go.
Stage Mom: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part.
Barney Stinson: Apparently, I'm a better actor than your kid.

Lily Aldrin: I can't believe we haven't met you before. Who knew Barney had such a great mom?
Loretta Stinson: Thanks, dear. Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger.
Marshall Eriksen: Don't say that. I'm sure you were great.
Loretta Stinson: Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
Lily Aldrin: Excuse me?
Loretta Stinson: A whore, dear. A dirty whore. I'm not proud of it. But still, I had some fun. There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but for the next eight minutes, we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom right off its foundation". And then just drive off in opposite directions... Just keep driving.


"How I Met Your Mother: Old King Clancy (#4.18)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: I don't believe it. I just got screwed by my two best friends, and I didn't even know it.
Lily Aldrin: In Canada, that's called a Sneaky Snowplow.

Ted Mosby: Now when I go in there, I'm probably going to be fired. Best case scenario, my boss is going to ream me out in front of everybody.
Robin Scherbatsky: Back home we call that a...
Lily Aldrin: ...a Saskatoon Totem Pole. It's all in here.

Marshall Eriksen: If I could nail any celebrity, it would be Lily, because she's the star of my heart.
Lily Aldrin: Aw! Mine would be Hugh Jackman.

Lily Aldrin: How do you know all these?
Barney Stinson: Canadiansexacts.org. It's bookmarked on the top right.
Marshall Eriksen: Dot org?
Barney Stinson: Yeah, it's not for profit. They really just want to get the information out there.

Lily Aldrin: What the hell is a "Two-Hand Zamboni?"
Robin Scherbatsky: Let's just say, the only thing the woman is wearing is skates on her hands.
Lily Aldrin: A "Manitoba Milk Bag"?
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, it's like a "Chicago Mustache," but the person on the bottom is wearing a snowsuit.
Lily Aldrin: A "Newfoundland Lobster Trap"?
Robin Scherbatsky: Don't know. Don't want to know. Those Newfies are out of control.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slap Bet (#2.9)" (2006)
[Barney is complaining about having to watch all the Canadian porn he can find in order to prove Robin has a past in pornography, therefore winning the slap bet]
Lily: Oh, like you need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: *Canadian* porn! Trust me when I tell you that their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go *oot* of my mind.

Lily: You know, he could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Ted Mosby: Hey!
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted Mosby: That's not what I'm 'hey'-ing you about!

Ted Mosby: What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. Do I ask her to get a divorce?
Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously.

Barney: I can think of tons of things there's no way Marshall told you
Lily: Try me.
Barney: Do you know about the time the Marshall was in Trenton?
Lily: Doggie ate his pants. Yep.
Barney: Bill's bachelor party in Memphis.
Lily: Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?
Barney: Trick question, Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest because he's afraid of Sasquatch.
Lily: Damn.
Marshall: I'm not afraid of Sasquatch. I just think we should all be on alert.

Lily: [after Ted tells the gang that Robin was married in Canada] Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?
Ted Mosby: See, that's just it. I'm not the boyfriend, I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. The mastress. Master. What do you call it?
Barney: I'm pretty sure we're gonna call is mistress.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Limo (#1.11)" (2005)
Barney Stinson: People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so psyched so much of the time"?
Lily Aldrin: By who? Who asks you that?

Lily Aldrin: So where are you from, Natalya?
Barney Stinson: She... who knows. The former Soviet republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?

Barney Stinson: Oh, wait, wait, wait. We have to turn around. We left Natalya.
Lily Aldrin: Barney, none of us really liked her.
Barney Stinson: WHAT?
Lily Aldrin: Sorry.
Barney Stinson: Oh, very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may choose to turn your back on her, I choose to turn my front on her!

Lily Aldrin: Who was that guy?
Barney Stinson: Well, we know it's not Moby and it's not Tony.


"How I Met Your Mother: Life Among the Gorillas (#1.17)" (2006)
Lily: Screw them, we're adorable!

Marshall: [after telling Lily how he wants to provide them with the 'life ideal' of home, school for the children, et al] I know that you don't need it, but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, and you deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a hugh package.
[walks off]
Marshall: [another woman who overheard the conversation smiles curiously as Marshall follows Lily] Yeah.

Lily: Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around here.
Marshall: Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-...
Lily: No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and throwing feces!

Marshall: [after Barney tells him to fit in at work he must change his entire personality] Okay, at first, I was appalled, but then I realized it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez in Life Among the Gorillas. I have to gain the acceptance of the herd by behaving exactly like one of them. It's an anthropological study. Isn't that cool?
Lily: It sounds kinda like peer pressure.
Marshall: No, no, no. It's totally anthropological and it's cool and I'm doing it.
Lily: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. We have an assembly every year.
Marshall: I'm *portraying* someone who succumbs to peer pressure.
Lily: All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, what do you say?
Marshall: Only when I'm drunk.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Slutty Pumpkin (#1.6)" (2005)
Barney: You know what I love about Halloween? It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...
Lily Aldrin: Wow, we get it.
Barney: ...she's a slutty nurse.

Lily Aldrin: [dressed as a parrot] All right, Polly gotta pee.
Marshall Eriksen: Again?
[starts following her to the bathroom]
Ted Mosby: Where are you going?
Marshall Eriksen: It's... an elaborate costume.

Lily Aldrin: Baby, I'm so sorry.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's no big deal. He wanted to be a "we" and I wanted to be an "I"... Dudes are such chicks.

Robin Scherbatsky: So, do you like Mike?
Lily Aldrin: Do YOU like Mike?


"How I Met Your Mother: How Lily Stole Christmas (#2.11)" (2006)
Lily Aldrin: [about why she's mad at Ted] Do you know what I would do if one of my kindergarteners used language like that? I would be on the phone with their parents!
Ted: I'm not a kindergartener.
Lily Aldrin: Exactly! You know what that word means! You know that calling people names is mean and hurtful... assface!

Ted: I promise I will never call you a... you know, ever again.
Lily Aldrin: It's okay. I was kind of a Grinch!
Boy: What's a Grinch?
Lily Aldrin: Umm... it's a word you shouldn't say!
Boy: Mom, what's a Grinch?
[Stacy spits out her drink in horror]
Kids: [Chanting] Grinch! Grinch! Grinch!
Ted: Uhh, Merry Christmas!
[Running out with his friends]
Ted: Let's get out of here!

Lily Aldrin: [At Lily's apartment] Some friend, you called me a Grinch.
Ted: You were a Grinch!
Lily Aldrin: How can you...
Ted: Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch.
[the lights go out]
Lily Aldrin: Happy? Now, you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I...
Man upstairs: [Yelling downstairs] You use that language again and I'll turn off your water!
Lily Aldrin: That's my super. He lives above me. Great. Thanks to your filthy mouth, now I'm going to have Christmas alone in the dark.

Lily Aldrin: [Flashback to Lily and Ted in college, very stoned] When I was a kid, all I wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I begged and I begged, but all I got was a stupid Lego set because my feminist mom didn't want me conforming to traditional gender roles.
Ted: Easy Bake Oven - that's what I'm going to call my van.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Wedding (#1.12)" (2006)
Lily: I wish we were ninjas!

Lily: Jeez, don't "Ted" out about it.

[In MacLaren's Bar, Barney is hitting on Claudia, whose fiance just broke up with her]
Barney: Claudia, isn't it weird that we should... run into each other like this? Two souls, of equal levels of attractiveness, both fitting together like two pieces of a very... attractive puzzle.
Lily: [running up to their booth and grabbing Barney's ear] Oh, Hell no!
Barney: [being dragged by ear away from Claudia] ow, ow, ow, ow!
Lily: [angrily] Claudia is getting married tomorrow. And so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles, and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out, and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait! My eyes, or my testicles?
Lily: [momentarily confused, then:] One of each!

Marshall: You know what, excuse me if I don't wanna get married barefoot next to Lake No-One's-Gonna-Drive-That-Far. Yes, I want a ballroom. And I want a band, and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day ever since I was, like...
Lily: A little girl?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Mermaid Theory (#6.11)" (2010)
Ted Mosby: Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily Aldrin: Sorry, I'm ummmm... I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall Eriksen: Running the water.
Robin Scherbatsky: Holding the towel.
Barney Stinson: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

Lily Aldrin: Whenever we're alone you spend the entire time undressing me with your eyes, you even take off my shoes.
Barney Stinson: High heels chafe my shoulders.

Robin Scherbatsky: Right, Marsh Madness?
Marshall Eriksen: No doubt, Robo Cop.
Lily Aldrin: You two never hang out alone. You just made up those names right now!

Lily Aldrin: Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed. Rule number one...
Barney Stinson: Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude.


"How I Met Your Mother: Rebound Bro (#3.18)" (2008)
Robin Scherbatsky: I don't see why you're mad at Barney and not at me.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah. She had as much sex with Barney as he had with her.
Robin Scherbatsky: You know what, I'm not sure that's true...

Marshall Eriksen: You haven't had sex since Thanksgiving. Do you know how many federal holidays have passed since then?
Lily Aldrin: Remember what we did on Martin Luther King Day?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, yeah. We honored the hell out of that dude.

Lily Aldrin: Wow, five years. If I had to go five years without sex, I'd be out in the streets selling it for a nickel.

Lily Aldrin: When Marshall and I had been together for two months, we were doing it 24/7.
Ted Mosby: I know, I was in the top bunk. I also sat next to you guys at football games.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Possimpible (#4.14)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: [Ted has a flashback about his old Wesleyan radio gig after Robin finds it in his resume] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down
Marshall Eriksen: [Listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted Mosby: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
Lily Aldrin: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted Mosby: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
Student: [Cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted Mosby: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec.
[resumes Doctor X spiel]
Ted Mosby: Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...
Marshall Eriksen: [In present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...

Barney Stinson: All my life I have dared to go past what is possible.
Interviewer: To the impossible?
Barney Stinson: Actually, past that. To the place where the possible and the impossible meet, to become... the possimpible.
Lily Aldrin: [Sarcastic] The possimpible? Really?
Barney Stinson: Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision-Visitivity.

Lily Aldrin: [the gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1] Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
Ted Mosby: And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.
Robin Scherbatsky: What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

Lily Aldrin: [to Ted] Doctor X, you're still bragging about Doctor X?
Robin Scherbatsky: Who's Doctor X?
Ted Mosby: Nobody knows. He was this genius mystery DJ.
Marshall Eriksen: It was Ted.
Ted Mosby: [Ignoring Marshall] ... His identity remains a mystery to this day.
Lily Aldrin: It was Ted.
Ted Mosby: [Ignoring Lily as well] ... But this phantom of the airwaves changed the very face of college radio.
Marshall Eriksen: It was Ted.
Lily Aldrin: And your show sucked.


"How I Met Your Mother: Sorry, Bro (#4.16)" (2009)
Barney Stinson: [as Lily exits the elevator in GNB office building] Lily! What are you doin' here?
Lily Aldrin: Oh! I'm here to give Marshall something.
Barney Stinson: Ahhh! Here to, GIVE, him something.
[Winks]
Barney Stinson: Gotcha!
[Winks]
Barney Stinson: Nice!
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, but I'm, I'm in a hurry. Can I just give it to you?
Barney Stinson: [Thinks about it] Sure, OK.
Lily Aldrin: And, and, and then you'll give it to him.
Barney Stinson: Wai... Ho... Ay... I dunno about all that. I mean, yours will have to be very good.
Lily Aldrin: What are you talking about?
Barney Stinson: What are you talking about?
Lily Aldrin: Mar, Marshall forgot his pants, so I'm bringing him a new pair.
Barney Stinson: Ha! Marshall forgot his pants. Well, it's a good thing you came by, because he has a really important meeting today and it would be pretty embarrassing, and not at all funny if he were to show up not wearing pants. So, I'll make sure he gets these.

Lily Aldrin: [as Scooter hands her flowers, in a fake excited voice] Lilies! Clever! Sorry I don't have a Scooter for you.

Ted Mosby: She wasn't that bad.
Lily Aldrin: Of course not. That's because she turned you into one of her douche zombies.
Marshall Eriksen: [zombie voice] I want to eat your brains, but only if they're organic and grass-fed.

Ted Mosby: So, Karen in New York. Weird, right?
Lily Aldrin: Ted, you can not get back together with Karen.
Ted Mosby: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall Eriksen: No. No, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Ted calls Karen. Number five: Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily Aldrin: I'm Lily, and I approve the order of that list.


"How I Met Your Mother: Rabbit or Duck (#5.15)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit".
Ted Mosby: Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate.
Marshall Eriksen: What?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down.
Lily Aldrin: Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits.
Marshall Eriksen: I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks.
Narrator: This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had.
[Flash forward, everyone is yelling]
Ted Mosby: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey.
Marshall Eriksen: We're not talking about flavour, Ted!
Ted Mosby: Flavour counts!
[Flash forward, yelling]
Marshall Eriksen: Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone?
Robin Scherbatsky: [Flash forward, yelling] You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?
Ted Mosby: [Flash forward] Hold on, I've got to get another book.
Ted Mosby: [Flash forward] Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out?
Marshall Eriksen: Because it's illegal, Ted!
Ted Mosby: Only if we bet on it, Marshall!
Marshall Eriksen: [Flash forward] FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN!

Robin Scherbatsky: So that settles it. Don's a rabbit.
Ted Mosby: I wouldn't be too sure. Don... Donald... Donald Duck? And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear?
Lily Aldrin: Pants!
Ted Mosby: Pants. Don's a duck. Requesting permission to lawyered.
Marshall Eriksen: I'll allow it.
Ted Mosby: Lawyered!

Marshall Eriksen: [Running through the bar in search of Ted's future wife] Hey! Hey, wanna get married?
Lily Aldrin: [Talking to another girl, annoyed] I don't know what kind of architect? Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.
Marshall Eriksen: [to threes girls sitting together] Wanna marry my friend Ted?
[to the 2nd one]
Marshall Eriksen: Wanna marry my friend Ted?
[to the 3d one]
Marshall Eriksen: Wanna marry my friend Ted?
Lily Aldrin: You can be choosey? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, uh!
Marshall Eriksen: Hey, just real quick...
[the girl pepper-sprays him, he writhes in pain]
Marshall Eriksen: you wanna marry my friend Ted?

Marshall Eriksen: [Trying to pick a date for Ted] Trudy?
Lily Aldrin: Married.
Marshall Eriksen: Blah Blah?
Lily Aldrin: Committed.
Marshall Eriksen: Relationship?
Lily Aldrin: Bellevue.
Marshall Eriksen: Natalie?
Lily Aldrin: Ted's her least favorite person in the world.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, she's not getting any younger.


"How I Met Your Mother: Benefits (#4.12)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: Are you OK?
Barney Stinson: Yeah, why do you ask?
Lily Aldrin: Well, for one thing you're openly weeping.

Robin Scherbatsky: It was weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. W-I-E-R-D. Weird.
Lily Aldrin: That's not how you spell weird
Robin Scherbatsky: Come on Lily, nobody likes a Ted.

Lily Aldrin: Barney, you have to learn how to express these feelings. Maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist.
Barney Stinson: Please. If I'm gonna pay so woman $200 an hour to make me feel better, we aren't going to be talking. And we're both going to be on that couch. The woman in this scenario is a prostitute. A dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced, Eastern European...
Lily Aldrin: I got it.

Barney Stinson: [In Lily's kindergarten class] ... And then I stormed out. Why did I do that? I mean,maybe it goes back to my father issues,but I basically gave my best friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams. totally sabotaged myself. And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking.
Lily Aldrin: Get out.
Barney Stinson: But it's feelings hour and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear. And whoever's holding Feely the Share Bear gets to sit in the share chair.
Lily Aldrin: Barney,this is not your private therapist's office. These kids have issues to talk about,too,you know. Ben's parents are getting divorced.
Ben: They are?
Lily Aldrin: Who wants to do some coloring?


"How I Met Your Mother: Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM (#1.18)" (2006)
Barney Stinson: We haven't reached legendary yet. We're just at the "le." We still have the "gen", the "da", the "ry"
Lily Aldrin: Well if we're at the "le" I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you just got burned, phonics style.

Lily Aldrin: Okay, it's time for bed.
Barney Stinson: What? No. It's 2:30.
Lily Aldrin: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Barney Stinson: You know, I have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back at the best stories of my life - the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost four-way.
Marshall Eriksen: You never had a four-way.
Barney Stinson: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m; because after 2 AM is when things get- audience say it with me- LEGENDARY.

Ted: I made up my mind, I'm gonna end it with Victoria
Lily Aldrin: Gonna?
Ted: Yes. First thing tomorrow
Lily Aldrin: Ok, but, as of... right now, at 2.45 a.m you still have a girlfriend!
Lily Aldrin: Ted, I love you. I love Robin, but if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be build on a crime.
Lily Aldrin: Just go home Ted, don't do this the wrong way
Ted: I hate how you're always right
Lily Aldrin: It's my best and most annoying trait

Robin Scherbatsky: [In Lily's class] ... And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I strongly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank you.
[Girl puts up her hand]
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah?
Little Girl #1: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily Aldrin: Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé."
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé.
Little Girl #1: Then who do you live with?
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little Girl #1: Don't you get lonely?
Robin Scherbatsky: [With emphasis] No, I've got FIVE dogs.
Little Girl #1: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is...
[Trails off]
Robin Scherbatsky: Does anyone else have a...? Yes?
Little Boy #1: Are you a lesbian?
Robin Scherbatsky: No, are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les...
[Lily interrupts her]
Lily Aldrin: Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter.


"How I Met Your Mother: Come On (#1.22)" (2006)
Lily: No, there's not crying in pause-land. Pause-land is a happy place full of popcorn shrimp mountains and buttersauce rivers!

Lily: So what's this big, beautiful, romantic gesture?
Ted Mosby: I am going to make her... a mix CD... No, I'm kidding. I got a plan.

Lily: Unpause?
Marshall Eriksen: Unpause.
Narrator: Let's pause. See, Marshall and Lily had a rule that at any point during a fight they could pause and take a break. Their fights often lasted for days.

Barney: Ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed wearing whipped cream undies does not work... *usually*. The setting - Martha's Vineyard, 1999. The characters: Yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the name...
Lily: [Slaps him. He stares aghast] Universe.


"How I Met Your Mother: No Tomorrow (#3.12)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: [wearing a green suit] Who wants to kiss the Barney Stone?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, look. It's the Riddler.
Marshall Eriksen: No, that's Gumby. Later, can we tie you in a knot?

Barney Stinson: Let's drink green beer! Let's do green Jell-o shots! Where's your Saint Patrick's Day spirit?
Lily Aldrin: We're drinking green tea.
Marshall Eriksen: With caffeine.

Lily Aldrin: Marshall, you see ghosts all the time, even at Starbucks.
Marshall Eriksen: That Kenny G CD just flew off the shelf.
Robin Scherbatsky: Last time that ever happened.

Barney Stinson: [On the phone] Come on, Ted. It's your last night on Earth. You really want to spend it with Marshall and Lily?
Marshall Eriksen: My hands smell weird. Here, smell.
Lily Aldrin: [Smells his hands] You're right, that's new.
Ted Mosby: [to Barney] I'll be there in five minutes.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Leap (#4.24)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: I don't wanna be stuck in a crappy teaching job. No offense, Lily.
Lily Aldrin: I got peed on three times today, so no argument here.

Lily Aldrin: You want a reason? I'll give you a reason. I'm pregnant.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are... Really? Lily, I mean I noticed you've gained some weight lately, but I didn't...
Lily Aldrin: I was lying, you jerk! Go ahead and jump. I hope you die!
Marshall Eriksen: That's all the permission I need.

Lily Aldrin: [about Robin going to dump Barney] Oh, man! You're going to break its... whatever it is that pumps that black sludge through his veins.

Ted Mosby: [after being rejected from yet another job] This is a disaster. How am I gonna come back from this?
Lily Aldrin: Okay, I'm just gonna ask this. Do you really wanna come back from this?
Ted Mosby: What's that supposed to mean?
Lily Aldrin: Architecture is killing you, Ted, and it's killing us to watch it killing you. You're like that goat with the washcloth. You want it so bad, and every time the world tries to take it away from you, you keep grabbing it! But you know what? It's just a washcloth. Why do you even want it?
Ted Mosby: Because I... I have to be an architect! That's... that's the plan.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, screw the plan. I planned on being a famous artist. Marshall planned on being an environmental lawyer, Robin planned on being a TV reporter.
Robin Scherbatsky: Uh, I *am* a TV reporter. I'm on every morning at 4 AM.
Lily Aldrin: Is that still on? Good for you.
Robin Scherbatsky: Can somebody watch it, please?
Lily Aldrin: Barney planned on being a violinist.
Barney Stinson: Lily!
Lily Aldrin: Don't tell me things! Look, you can't design your life like a building. It-it doesn't work that way. You just have to live it, and it'll design itself.
Ted Mosby: So, what, I should just do nothing?
Lily Aldrin: No, listen to what the world is telling you to do, and take the leap.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Front Porch (#4.17)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute! Those are your pajamas? You sleep in suit pajamas?
Barney Stinson: Of course. What else would I sleep in?
Ted Mosby: A coffin?

Marshall Eriksen: [Giving reasons for wearing a nightshirt] One: I don't have to wear anything underneath.
Ted Mosby: I can vouch for that. Could you please cross your legs, buddy?
Marshall Eriksen: Two: it's sexy.
Lily Aldrin: I can vouch for that. Could you please uncross your legs, honey?

Robin Scherbatsky: So if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dating?
Lily Aldrin: Or you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter break-up, and not even remained friends! And then you and I would never have become best friends.
Robin Scherbatsky: Don't even say that!
[both women start crying and hug]
Ted Mosby: Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18. But that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us morons down here who are still looking for someone. If you're so concerned about who you and Marshall are gonna end up on that front porch with, well, you know what? You can have it to yourselves.

Karen: Lily came by and explained everything. And she gave me this note for you.
[gives Ted the note. Ted opens it]
Lily Aldrin: [voice over] Ted, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter to me who you marry. I know they'll be awesome, because they'll think you are. To show you I mean it, I put together a little surprise for you and Karen upstairs. Love, Lily.
Marshall Eriksen: [voice over] P.S. Sorry the envelope was already open. I had to read what she wrote. Marshall.


"How I Met Your Mother: Do I Know You? (#4.1)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: [after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail] She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
Lily Aldrin: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.

Lily Aldrin: Barney, how can you be in love and still be sleeping with everything that moves?
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry I don't follow you.That's like saying 'how can an ant lift fifty times its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious?'. Are the two even related?

Lily Aldrin: Ask her something!
Barney Stinson: [On the phone to Robin] How are you feeling today?
Robin Scherbatsky: Fine.
Lily Aldrin: Something personal!
Barney Stinson: At what age did you first get your period?

Barney Stinson: On a booty call you barely even have to talk. At 9:00PM you say, "Hey, babe, it's Barney. Are you busy tonight?""Sweet, see you in a half an hour, can't wait." But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. "Barney! Busy? Sweet." And by 3:00 in the morning
[Barney texts "?" random girl answers "!"]
Lily Aldrin: A question mark? You got laid off a question mark?
Barney Stinson: [Giggles until Lily hits him] OW! It's not worse than your super-obvious codewords.
Lily Aldrin: [Cut to example] Rhinoceros!
Marshall: We have to go!


"How I Met Your Mother: First Time in New York (#2.12)" (2007)
Robin Scherbatsky: You know, Katie, I have wanted to come to the Empire State Building for so long, but I waited to come here with someone special.
Katie Scherbatsky: Oh, here we go.
Lily Aldrin: Marshall and I have never been to the Empire State Building either. But I'm so glad I waited to do something so important with my fiancee.
Marshall Eriksen: Speaking of waiting, I signed an abstinence pledge in high school. It's totally cool to wait. And stay away from drugs... other than pot.

Lily Aldrin: [to Robin] Instead of telling Ted you love him, you said "falafel"?

Robin Scherbatsky: You only get one shot at losing your virginity. And even though I just barely had sex, it counts.
Lily Aldrin: What do you mean just barely?
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, he didn't dive all the way into the pool, but he... splashed around in the shallow end.
Lily Aldrin: Then you didn't lose your virginity to him. Just barely doesn't count.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yes, it does.
Lily Aldrin: No, it doesn't.
Marshall Eriksen: Yes, it does.
Lily Aldrin: No, it doesn't. It doesn't count. End of story.
Barney Stinson: Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin, you saucy little harlot. Could it be that before Marshall took a swim, someone else tested the water?

Lily Aldrin: [to Barney] Speaking of first times, we never got to hear your virginity story.
Marshall Eriksen: That's right, I almost forgot.
Barney Stinson: Okay. I was 16, and it was in a baseball dugout...
Marshall Eriksen: Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Barney Stinson: I mean, I was in a subway with a high-priced call girl...
Ted Mosby: Risky Business.
Barney Stinson: I was accidentally hacking into NORAD'S computer...
Ted Mosby: That's War Games, and there's not even a sex scene in it.
Barney Stinson: All right!
[Begrudgingly]
Barney Stinson: I was 23, and it was with my mom's 45-year-old divorced friend, Rhonda. She called me "Barry" the whole time, and for two weeks, my comforter smelled like menthol cigarettes. You happy?
Marshall Eriksen: [Noticing Barney's sadness] Hey... Why don't you tell us again about your first time at the camp in the Catskills.
Barney Stinson: Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's. Her dad did not approve of our love.
Ted Mosby: Did anyone put Baby in a corner?
Barney Stinson: Oh, God, no. What can I say, I... had... the time of my life. True story.


"How I Met Your Mother: Definitions (#5.1)" (2009)
Barney Stinson: Lily, can't you just let us be happy?
Lily Aldrin: You're not happy! You just think you're happy because you feel happy.
Barney Stinson: And that's not happy?
Lily Aldrin: Of course not!

Lily Aldrin: You and Robin need to have the talk.
Barney Stinson: Why? Give me one good reason.
Lily Aldrin: I'll give you twen...
Barney Stinson: Wow, you can't even think of one. Headlights, deer.

Ted Mosby: [about Barney and Robin] You do realize they were lying, right?
Lily Aldrin: No, Ted. They don't realize that they weren't lying.

Lily Aldrin: Okay, seriously. We're at the point of physical violence. Now, will you please have the talk?
Barney Stinson: Because of that? Come on. That's my thing. I'm always punching guys. Girls... I'll punch a baby. I don't care.


"How I Met Your Mother: Arrivederci, Fiero (#2.17)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: So you made a life changing decision to not change your life at all.
Barney Stinson: True story.

Barney Stinson: How's the Fiero?
Marshall Eriksen: She's still in triage.
Ted Mosby: Wait a minute, she? I thought it was your little boy.
Lily Aldrin: It goes back and forth. It's like a trannie car.

Marshall Eriksen: Arrivederci, Fiero. You were the freakin' Giving Tree of cars.
Lily Aldrin: May you rust in peace.
Barney Stinson: Rot in Hell, devil steed.

Lily Aldrin: [after spilling food in the car] Marshall's going to kill me! This and the difference between "affect" and "effect" are the only two things he's serious about.


"How I Met Your Mother: Okay Awesome (#1.5)" (2005)
Claire: Austin and I spent Saturday night at the most charming bed and breakfast. It was so nice. What did you do this weekend?
Marshall: [Cut to the bar, Lily chugs a beer in front of a screaming crowd] TEN SECONDS !
Lily: SUCK IT LOSERS !
[Burps]
Lily: [Back in class] Oh, You know, quiet time with the fiancé.

[after leaving the loud club, everyone is talking very loudly in the cab ride home]
Ted: I'm really glad you guys came out tonight!
Marshall Eriksen: You know, dude, can I just say something? It kinda hurt that you guys didn't invite me out. I mean, I know things have changed since I got engaged, but it would have been nice to be asked.
Ted: I'm sorry. I just assumed...
Barney: They played some great songs tonight!
Ted: I mean, lately...
Marshall Eriksen: I know, I know, it just seems like suddenly we're living in two different worlds. Maybe you've got more in common with Barney.
Barney: [turns around] What?
Ted: Are you crazy? You think I like going to those clubs? I'd so much rather go to your fruity little wine tasting.
Lily: [waking up] Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf! Where's my purse! Where's my purse! I -... No, I'm okay.
[goes back to sleep]
Ted: The problem is you can't do any of that couples stuff unless you have someone to do it with! And the only way I'm gonna find that someone is by going out and doing stupid singles stuff with Barney!
Barney: [turns around] What?
Ted: But, man, when I find her, we're gonna have some bad-ass wine tastings.
Marshall Eriksen: It's a plan. Hey, maybe it'll be that cute Coat Check Girl!
Ted: Yeah! Maybe it will be!
Older Ted Mosby: It wasn't.
Marshall Eriksen: You know, Ted, I don't say this nearly enough, but I really value our...
Barney: Hey, that place has great salads!

Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.
Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.
Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.

Lily: Claire is my age, and she and her husband do all these classy grownup stuff. Maybe we should start doing some grownup stuff.
Marshall Eriksen: That was some pretty grownup stuff we did this morning.
Lily: Yeah, but it wasn't classy.


"How I Met Your Mother: Band or DJ? (#8.13)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: I am happy for them.
Lily Aldrin: Is all you let yourself say out loud. Because if you said anything to the contrary, well, then that would make you the most awful person on this rooftop. So I'm gonna give you an out.
Ted Mosby: And how are you gonna do that?
Lily Aldrin: By saying something that is even more awful.
Ted Mosby: Like what?
Lily Aldrin: [starts crying] Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom. Sometimes I wanna pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night and not come back.
Ted Mosby: [pauses] Robin shouldn't be with Barney, she should be with me.
[pauses again while they sit down]
Ted Mosby: Are you serious?
Lily Aldrin: I don't know. I mean, I love being a mom, I-I love Marvin so much. But you remember when I wanted to be an artist? Art was my whole life, and... and now it's been months since I've even picked up a brush. I-I spend the whole day taking care of kids in my job, and I come home, and it's more of the same, and it's just... it never lets up. It's just really, really hard, Ted.
Ted Mosby: Have you talked to Marshall about how you feel?
Lily Aldrin: Have you talked to Robin about how you feel?
Ted Mosby: [sighs] Fair enough.
Lily Aldrin: I think we just have to accept our lots in life, and... I have to be a mom to a beautiful, wonderful, if slightly constipated little boy, and you have to let Robin and Barney get a band.

Lily Aldrin: Well, well, well. Here comes the bride. Now the annoying part, right; planning the wedding. So not fun, right?
Robin Scherbatsky: I don't know, I'm kinda looking forward to it.
Lily Aldrin: Fine, I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date.
Ted Mosby: May 25th, 2013.
Lily Aldrin: Thank you, Ted. The ladies are talking.
Robin Scherbatsky: Actually, that is the date. Ted offered to help with a planning a little. And well, uh.
[Ted takes out a binder]
Lily Aldrin: That's a big binder.
Ted Mosby: Oh, this. This is just cakes. Anyways, we are having the ceremony at that beautiful little church on Long Island where Victoria almost got married. Lovely spot. And then we are gonna have the reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. Oh, and the colors are cream and lilac.
Lily Aldrin: [Jumps at Ted] Imma cut you, bitch!

Marshall Eriksen: [Changing Marvin's diaper] Oh, still clean. What's that little buddy, you're smiling?
[Confetti sprays all over Marshall]
Narrator: Kids, it wasn't confetti.
Lily Aldrin: Holy confetti!

Robin Scherbatsky: This is, like the fifteenth time my dad has sent me a friend request. I'm just gonna hit "accept".
Ted Mosby: No!
Marshall Eriksen: No, no, no, no, no! Don't do it, Robin. You don't want to see what's behind that door.
Robin Scherbatsky: What are you talking about?
Ted Mosby: He's talking about my mom's 2000-word review of Fifty Shades of Grey. And 14 of those words were "vulva".
Marshall Eriksen: You're gonna get endless requests to play some game that has something to do with gangsters or farming.
Lily Aldrin: Never mind the embarrassing cheerleading photos from highschool.
Marshall Eriksen: Begged my mom to burn those.


"How I Met Your Mother: Game Night (#1.15)" (2006)
Lily Aldrin: You ralfed and ran?

Barney Stinson: [finishing his story about his ex-girlfriend Shannon] And then she told me about her life. Her and Greg dated for awhile, then split up. Here's the real kicker, Shannon's a mom. She has a little kid named Max. That's crazy. That could've been my kid. But, instead what do I have? My whole life's some money in the bank, some suits in my closet, and a string of one-night stands.
[begins to cry]
Lily Aldrin: Hey, come one. I mean, just because her life went one way, and yours went another doesn't make your life any worse.
Barney Stinson: My life rocks! Money, suits and sex. These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in some tiny apartment, changing some brat's poopy diapers, but instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24/7, 365!
[looks up]
Barney Stinson: You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy. Plus here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry, on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her!

Lily Aldrin: You brought the game to the bar?
Marshall: Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.
Ted Mosby: I was winning?

Marshall: [Telling his most embarrassing story] I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom.
[a kid comes in]
Screaming Boy: [Screaming] AGRHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Marshall stumbles out of the bathroom and lands face first in front of Lily and the kindergarteners]
Marshall: I wish I'd pulled up my pants.
Lily Aldrin: The kids still call him Funny Butt.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving (#3.9)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: Thanksgiving is a time to get together, and none of you are taking it seriously! None of you! So, as slap bet commisioner, I institute a new law: at Thanksgiving there will be no slapping!

Barney Stinson: [holding up a laptop] Check it out, we're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to NOTHING.
Lily Aldrin: Barney, put it away.
Barney Stinson: How does it feel, Marshall, to sit there impotently. Your large flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer voice: The slap will occur in ten, nine, eight...
Barney Stinson: Ohh, classy touch, dude! Too BAD!
Lily Aldrin: Barney put it away!
Barney Stinson: I will in. Five, four...
Lily Aldrin: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney Stinson: What? Wait!
Marshall Eriksen: Yes!
[slaps Barney hard]
Marshall Eriksen: THAT'S THREE!

Marshall Eriksen: This looks like it's going to be a major clean-up.
Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, Barney Stinson, Lily Aldrin: [saluting] Major Cleanup.
Marshall Eriksen: Are we going to be doing this all the time?
Robin Scherbatsky: That's the general idea.
Marshall Eriksen, Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, Barney Stinson, Lily Aldrin: [saluting] General Idea.

Bob: This is rad. A nice, calm, simple Thanksgiving. I'm the youngest of ten in my family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess. All the yelling and the screaming...
Narrator: And then a funny thing happened.
Bob: It's really a major buzzkill.
Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky: Major Buzzkill.
Lily Aldrin: Oh no...
Barney Stinson: I thought we were done with that!
Robin Scherbatsky: I guess we're not.
Ted Mosby: Guess we're not.


"How I Met Your Mother: Nannies (#8.3)" (2012)
Mickey Aldrin: Remember all those Mexican fireworks I bought so I wouldn't have to buy Christmas presents?
Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God! You blew up the house?
Mickey Aldrin: What? No, I did not blow up the house! I blew up the garage. The house burned down.

Lily Aldrin: Looks like our search is over. All we need is your salary.
Mrs. Buckminster: Certainly. My salary is...
[Cut to Lily and Marshall crying]
Mrs. Buckminster: Now, now. Everything is going to be all right. You'll find someone.
Lily Aldrin: No, we won't!
Marshall Eriksen: Not someone like you!

Lily Aldrin: [Lily discovers that her father took care of baby Marvin all day] Wow. That's incredible. When did you get so good with kids?
Mickey Aldrin: You know something honey, you don't know this. For the first few years of your life, your mom worked while I was a stay-at-home dad.
Lily Aldrin: I thought Grandma and Grampa took care of me.
Mickey Aldrin: Well, they visited a lot, but I was the one who took care of you. You know, America thinks I ran into that burning house to get potato salad, but actually, I ran into the house to get this photo album - *and* potato salad.
[shows Lily album]
Lily Aldrin: Dad, I never realized you were there for me. How come there are no pictures of me after preschool?
Mickey Aldrin: Well...
[recounts flashback of first day at preschool]
Mickey Aldrin: Well, have fun on your first day at preschool, princess.
[Kisses Lily and gives her food]
Mickey Aldrin: Well, off you go.
[after Lily gets inside classroom]
Mickey Aldrin: Ugh, how am I gonna make it to three o'clock without her?
[Sees newspaper]
Mickey Aldrin: Belmont Racetrack? Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to bet just once.
Mickey Aldrin: [Back to present] Six months later, guess what gambling addict's thumbs had pins on them?
[flashes thumbs]
Mickey Aldrin: This guy!... Look honey, I wasn't there for most of your childhood and I regret that every single day of my life, but I promise you, I'm here now for Marvin. If you want.
Lily Aldrin: You're hired.
[embraces Mickey]

7-Year old Lily Aldrin: [Flashback to young Lily and her dad at the horse track] What's wrong, daddy?
Mickey Aldrin: Daddy can't chose a horse to save his freakin' life. I need a number. When's your birthday?
7-Year old Lily Aldrin: Today.
Mickey Aldrin: Bingo.


"How I Met Your Mother: Cleaning House (#6.2)" (2010)
Barney Stinson: You don't think I can't talk you into helping me pack? I once got the Queen to fist pump me.
Ted Mosby: Dude, no one believes that story.
Lily Aldrin: Maybe you can convince those brain surgeons you pick up to believe you, but it won't work on us.
[Barney adjusts his collar, cracks his knuckles and clears his throat; cut to the guys packing at Barney's mother's house]
Lily Aldrin: How does he do that?

Lily Aldrin: [Picking up Barney's pee-wee basketball shirt] Aw, who was a cute widdle basketball pwayer before he became the biggest pervert in the world?

Lily Aldrin: Milk and lutefisk? Doesn't Santa get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, 'cause that's what Santa needs at 3:00 AM while battling a snowstorm over the Rockies: a sugar crash. Santa needs protein.

Lily Aldrin: [Seeing James and Sam hug] This must be so hard for Barney.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, but he took a big step today.
Barney Stinson: Papa!
[Hugs James and Sam]
Marshall Eriksen: Uh-oh.


"How I Met Your Mother: Dowisetrepla (#3.7)" (2007)
Marshall Eriksen: Baby, real estate is always a sound investment.
Narrator: It's not.
Marshall Eriksen: And the market is really hot right now.
Narrator: It wasn't.
Marshall Eriksen: And because of my new job, we're in a good place finacially.
Narrator: They weren't, because Lily had a secret.
Lily Aldrin: Hi, I'm Lily, and I'm a shopaholic.

Robin Scherbatsky: What the hell are you doing? You can't buy this place - Lily, you have a debt the size of Mount Waddington!
Lily: Waddington?
Robin Scherbatsky: It's the tallest mountain in Canada. It's like 4000 meters high.
Lily: Meters?

Ted Mosby: Why would you come in? You heard me shaving!
Lily Aldrin: I thought you were shaving your face!
Ted Mosby: Well, clearly I wasn't!


"How I Met Your Mother: Showdown (#2.20)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: So you and Lily really think you can spend two weeks apart?
Marshall Eriksen: Y'know Barney, Lily and I are a lot less cheesy than you make us out to be.
Lily Aldrin: Hey Marshmallow, don't forget to pack my night-night tape.
Barney Stinson: Night-night tape? Did you make a tape of you saying "night-night" to her?
Lily Aldrin: He doesn't say it. He sings it.
Barney Stinson: Oh, that is so sweet! Why don't you kiss, I love it when two chicks make out.

Lily Aldrin: I lost a pound!
Robin Scherbatsky: That is impossible! You ate McDonalds every day for three days.
Lily Aldrin: I knew that Super Size Me guy was full of it!

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, Lil.
Lily Aldrin: Hey.
Ted Mosby: "Hey"? That's it?
Marshall Eriksen: What are you talking about?
Ted Mosby: Well, you guys have been spending the last few nights apart. I thought there'd be a lot of giggling and crying, jumping up and down... and then whatever Lily would do.


"How I Met Your Mother: Hopeless (#6.21)" (2011)
Jerry Whitaker: So, Saturday night? Time to cut loose, right? Who wants to split a beer?
Barney Stinson: Oh, we're not drinking here. Tonight, we're going big. Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's club Was, there's Wrong...
Marshall Eriksen: Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney Stinson: Oh no...
Marshall Eriksen: Oh No shut down too.
Ted Mosby: There's Where.
Jerry Whitaker: Where's Where?
Lily Aldrin: Where's where Was was, isn't it?
Barney Stinson: No, Was wasn't where Where was, Was was where Wrong was, right?
Jerry Whitaker: Ok...
Ted Mosby: Not OK, that place is lame.
Robin Scherbatsky: OK is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar... or is that wrong?
Marshall Eriksen: That's Wrong. That's not wrong.
Barney Stinson: Guys, focus.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, I like Focus! Let's go there.
Ted Mosby: Where?
Robin Scherbatsky: Not Where. Focus!
Lily Aldrin: I thought Focus was closed.
Barney Stinson: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it re-opened as Closed.
Marshall Eriksen: So Closed is open.
Robin Scherbatsky: No, Closed is closed.
Jerry Whitaker: I don't know! 3rd base, right?

Marshall Eriksen: Game on! If I can score five numbers before you can, then we have sex in the bathroom but, if you can score five numbers before me, then we have sex in the bathroom.
Lily Aldrin: So our usual wager. Deal!

Ted Mosby: How's the open marriage going? Who was the first to get to five numbers?
Lily Aldrin: I won that race. My prize, sex in the bathroom.
Marshall Eriksen: And I won that race!


"How I Met Your Mother: Subway Wars (#6.4)" (2010)
Ted Mosby: [the gang debates about what the essence of being New Yorkers really is] I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily Aldrin: No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.
Marshall Eriksen: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.
Narrator: And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.

Barney Stinson: I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.
Ted Mosby: Face? That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.
Barney Stinson: No Ted. I am really looking at her face.
Lily Aldrin: Aaaw. That's really sweet.
Barney Stinson: Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose, that girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?

Lily Aldrin: [comforting Robin] You've had a rough year. But you're tough. And I love you like crazy. If you left, I'd have to follow you. And Marshall would follow me. And Ted would follow him. The only upside is that we might get rid of Barney.


"How I Met Your Mother: Monday Night Football (#2.14)" (2007)
Wendy: Oh, God, you didn't hear? Mark died.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, my gosh.
Wendy: The funeral's tomorrow at 6:00, and I know it would have meant a lot to Mark if you came. You guys were his favorite customers.
Lily Aldrin, Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky: Stay strong. We're so sorry.
[the waitress leaves]
Ted Mosby: Who was Mark?
Marshall Eriksen: No idea.
Barney Stinson: Not a clue.

Barney Stinson: [Over Mark's casket] Such a waste.
Lily Aldrin: I know. He was so young.
Barney Stinson: A hand-stitched, cashmere, double-breasted Dolce & Gabbana. It must be so frightened.

Marshall Eriksen: [Watching the Superbowl, 2004] Hey, Barney, I bet you 20 bucks that Casey misses this field goal.
Barney Stinson: I don't bet. Betting's for suckers.
Marshall Eriksen: Make it like a dollar or something, you know. Who cares? No big deal.
Barney Stinson: Fine.
Marshall Eriksen: See, there you go, he made it. You win.
[Hands Barney a dollar]
Barney Stinson: Wait. This is mine, just like that? God, that feels good. No, that feels really... good. What else can we bet on?
Marshall Eriksen: Nothing, it's the halftime show.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, so lame. Nobody even pays attention. I mean, Janet Jackson, who cares?
[Everyone leaves]


"How I Met Your Mother: Robin 101 (#5.3)" (2009)
Robin Scherbatsky: Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est person in the world, but a little more effort would be nice.
Lily Aldrin: I understand. I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up. I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.
[Look over at Ted]
Ted Mosby: [Repeating at different pitches] Bowl. Booo-wl. Bowl. Bowl.
Robin Scherbatsky: No, that's not it.

Ted Mosby: [In Classroom] Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Apartment] "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean?
Lily Aldrin: [Reading] "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You."
Robin Scherbatsky: "Distract" me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!
[Throws something]
Lily Aldrin: "Immediately switch the conversation To one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."
[Shots flip between Ted at the classroom and Robin at the apartment]
Ted Mosby: One: Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title.
Robin Scherbatsky: What? That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
Ted Mosby: Two: Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance.
Robin Scherbatsky: You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.
Ted Mosby: Three: Emperor Penguins.
Robin Scherbatsky: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other?
[Bows]
Robin Scherbatsky: Mr. Penguin.
[Bows]
Robin Scherbatsky: Mrs. Penguin. Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy.
[laughs]
Robin Scherbatsky: What were we talking about?

Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life not to have my father to say, "I am proud of you, eh?"
Lily Aldrin: So why are you crying now?
Robin Scherbatsky: [Teary] I'm not crying.


"How I Met Your Mother: Wait for It (#3.1)" (2007)
Barney Stinson: Not possible. You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board.
Lily Aldrin: How do you know?
Barney Stinson: Glad you asked Lily. I have crafted a list of every vehicle land-based, aquatic and airborne in which/on which it's possible to have sex. And of those 33 vehicles, I have had sex in/on 31. Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible. Oh, P.S., in order to hit 33, all I need is bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule.
Lily Aldrin: To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian.
Barney Stinson: This conversation never happened.

Lily Aldrin: [about Robin and Gael] I mean, she isn't serious about him. The girl never marries the hot guy.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, you did.
Lily Aldrin: [pause] I'm one of the lucky few.

Ted Mosby: [Ted is unaware that he has a butterfly tattoo on his lower back] As you can see, I do just fine on my own. I don't need a baby-sitter.
Barney Stinson: See. All this time, I thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you... you've got your own wings now.
Ted Mosby: Hmm.
Barney Stinson: Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating. Growing in your cocoon. And last night... you burst out of that cocoon... , like a majestic, uh... gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? I was always bad at science.
Lily Aldrin: [to Marshall] He's gonna say it.
Ted Mosby: A butterfly?
[Everyone laughs]
Ted Mosby: What?
Barney Stinson: Nothing, buddy.
[Barney hits Ted's tattoo]
Ted Mosby: Ow! Why did that hurt so...? Oh my God!
[Looks in mirror]
Ted Mosby: I have a tattoo!
Barney Stinson: Oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Locket (#9.1)" (2013)
The Mother: Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "lonely" and "unicorn", which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so... thank you. Are you okay?
Lily Aldrin: No, but there's nothing you can do.
The Mother: Do you wanna cookie?
[Offers a container of cookies]
Lily Aldrin: Yes... yes I do!
[Grabs a cookie]
The Mother: Whoa! You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
Lily Aldrin: [With her mouth full] But there's not, is there?
The Mother: No idea, I found them under my seat.
[Lily spits out cookie]
The Mother: No! Kidding! Sorry! You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie and then I thought you could use a joke, I should have stopped at the cookie.
Lily Aldrin: You know what? I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.
The Mother: I call them sumbitches!
Narrator: ...And that's how Lily met your mother.

Ted Mosby: You're not gonna tackle me again, are you?
Lily Aldrin: I'm the maid of honor, there's a good chance that won't be my only tackle of the weekend.
Narrator: It wasn't.

Lily Aldrin: That locket's trouble.
Ted Mosby: How? It's-it's just a friendly, innocent wedding gift.
Lily Aldrin: It's not innocent. Ted, you think if you can get that locket for Robin you'll win her back.
Ted Mosby: Lily, I've let it go. I mean What? There's, like, a one percent chance that Stella has the locket from when we lived together.
Lily Aldrin: Ted. Promise me you didn't call the woman who *left* you at the altar so that you could find that locket.
Ted Mosby: Of course not. I e-mailed her.
Lily Aldrin: Ted!


"How I Met Your Mother: Columns (#2.13)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: [Trying to paint Barney with a sword in his hand] I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney Stinson: I get that a lot.

Barney Stinson: You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.
Lily Aldrin: Thank you!
Barney Stinson: I meant me.

Lily Aldrin: [about Marshall's nude painting] I knew this day would come.
Marshall Eriksen: How did you know that?
Lily Aldrin: Because I didn't hide it very well.


"How I Met Your Mother: Lucky Penny (#2.15)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun.
Barney Stinson: I can't go. I've got this thing.
Lily Aldrin: What thing?
Barney Stinson: A penis.

Lily Aldrin: [a marathon runner grabs Lily's water bottle as he runs past her] Hey, that's mine!
[shouts]
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, you better run!

Lily Aldrin: Marshall used to think he was indestructible.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, it added up. I've never broken anything, I've never been sick, and when I need to, I can summon incredible strength. Ted, tell her the story about the really heavy door.
Ted Mosby: [to Robin] It was a really heavy door. He opened it.
Marshall Eriksen: On *one* pull.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Stinson Missile Crisis (#7.4)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [while sitting at the bar with Marshall] That wine looks good.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh
[He passes it to her as Ted comes in]
Ted Mosby: Hey, hey, hey! Pregnant women can't drink alcohol.
Lily Aldrin: No, my doctor says it's okay to have a sip of wine every now and then.
Ted Mosby: [Disbelieving] Really?
Lily Aldrin: Dr. Sonja's great; whenever you ask her if you can have something, she's like...
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: Wait, Dr. Sonja doesn't let you have sushi does she?
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: [Lily eats a cheeto] You're allowed to have CHEETOS?
Dr. Sonya: Cheetos? Ah, just a little bit.
Ted Mosby: Do you mind if I double check some of this stuff?

Ted Mosby: Come on, we're a trio, we've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred!
Lily Aldrin: Out!
[Pushes him out of the doctor's office]
Ted Mosby: Romeo and Juliet and the Apothecary!
Lily Aldrin: Now!
[Closing the door]
Ted Mosby: Salt and pepper and cumin!

Lily Aldrin: I can't believe you're still running plays on dumb blondes! I thought you were serious about Nora.
Barney Stinson: No, I've been good, I swear! I just forgot about my BDS's.
Robin Scherbatsky: BDS's?
Barney Stinson: Bimbo Delivery Systems. You see, over the years I've launched a variety of systems that are always working to get me laid. Like my pop-up ads
[Cut to video]
Barney Stinson: Oh hi. I'm doctor Barney Stinson. Are your really large breasts making everyday tasks difficult?
Infomercial Actress: [Tries to water plant, knocks it over] Oh! There's just gotta be a better way!
Barney Stinson: There is! I, Dr. Barney Stinson - for a limited time only - can give you a free breast reduction consultation. Call me! If your knockers are just too damn big, I can handle them - it!
Robin Scherbatsky: [Back to the gang] Women actually fell for that?
Barney Stinson: Yeah, that business really took off. It played in all kinds of markets
[See various ads]
Jeff Probst: [On the show Survivor] Okay survivors, today's reward challenge is brought to you by Dr. Barney Stinson's Free Breast Reduction Consultations.


"How I Met Your Mother: Intervention (#4.4)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: [reminiscing Interventions from the past] When I was going through the closet I thought I saw the intervention banner.
Marshall Eriksen: [rolling his eyes over, obviously hiding something] S-So?
Ted Mosby: So, the banner burned up. Why is there a new one?
Ted Mosby: [carries in a box with letters and an Interverntion banner] And there are sealed letters here from all of you that say "Ted." Were you guys planning an intervention for me?
Lily Aldrin: Oh, that... that was stupid. Yeah, just, just forget about that.
Ted Mosby: Wh-What was it for? The Crocs? The hair product?
Marshall Eriksen: [interrupts] Not Stella...
Ted Mosby: [stunned] Oh, my God, this was about Stella.
Marshall Eriksen: I just said *Not* Stella. So maybe it was about your poor listening skills, Ted.
Ted Mosby: What?
Marshall Eriksen: It's out of control. See?

Robin Scherbatsky: [in a thick Canadian accent] Stanley Cup. Game 6, eh? The Rangers are about to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.
Marshall: Hey, hey Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah?
Marshall: I'll give you 20 bucks if you can shoot it through this front door.
Robin Scherbatsky: [laughs] You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log. Timmy Ho!
[shoots a hockey puck]
Lily: [catches the puck] That's it Robin, give me the stick.
Robin Scherbatsky: I'll give you summer teeth. Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Oh Robin, give me the stick.
Robin Scherbatsky: Take off,
[shoves Lily]
Robin Scherbatsky: hoser.
Ted, Marshall, Barney: Woah!
Lily: That's it!
Barney: Hey, hey!
Marshall: Get her, get her!
Robin Scherbatsky: You wanna scrap, I'll scrap!
Ted: Guys, come on!
Marshall: For America!
Ted: All right, all right, break it up!
Robin Scherbatsky: Bring it on, bring it on!
Barney: Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!
[punches a hole in the wall and grunts]

Barney: [Enters the room] what the...?
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, this is an intervention
Barney: What was that?
Marshall: Enough with the old man bit!
Barney: What about the old sand pit?
Lily: Let it go!
Barney: Let it snow? Oh boy, I love that old diddy.
Ted: I'm getting my flail.
Barney: You're setting sail?


"How I Met Your Mother: Pilot (#1.1)" (2005)
[giving a toast]
Marshall Eriksen: To my fiance!
Lily Aldrin: To the future!
Ranjit: To one hell of a night!

Barney: So, Ranjit, ever do it with a lebanese girl?
Lily Aldrin: Okay, that's my Barney limit.

Lily Aldrin: Ugh! I'm exhausted, it was finger-painting day at school and a five year old boy...
[Opens jacket to reveal a hand shaped stain on her blouse]
Lily Aldrin: got to second base with me.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Wedding Bride (#5.23)" (2010)
Barney Stinson: Baggage is the cornerstone of America's greatest national product.
Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin: Porn!
Barney Stinson: Actually, it's porn. No women works in porn without having major baggage.
Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky: [Saluting] Major Baggage.

Ted Mosby: That's it. I'll have to move to another country, one where they're not showing "The Wedding Bride".
Robin Scherbatsky: Good luck, Ted. That movie has gone worldwide. It's huge.
Lily Aldrin: Maybe North Korea.
Robin Scherbatsky: No, I heard Kim Jong Il saw it and it's his second favorite movie, right behind one of him running in slow motion in a field of turnips.

Lily Aldrin: Sorry, Ted, you're screwed.
Marshall Eriksen: No! You know what? Ted is not screwed. Do you guys wanna know why I'm always nice to everyone? It's because I don't care about baggage. I mean, most people, they see a person walking down the street with that big, heavy bag they're carrying, and they just walk on by. But not me. I look at them, and I say... I say: "Howdy, stranger. Can I give you a hand with that?" And do you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby.
[uplifting music starts playing]
Marshall Eriksen: A guy who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things. And you know what, Ted? I believe that deep down, you're still that guy!
Ted Mosby: [dramatically excited] I am still that guy.
Marshall Eriksen: [pep talking] I think you wanna go out there and get that girl!
Ted Mosby: I do wanna go out there and get that girl!
Marshall Eriksen: Because she's the love of your life!
Ted Mosby: Because she's...!
[music stops playing in a beat, and Ted calms down for a minute]
Ted Mosby: Well, okay. Let's, uh... We're three dates in. She seems nice.
Marshall Eriksen: Because she seems nice!
[music starts playing again, and Ted stands up, back to being dramatically excited]
Ted Mosby: She does seem nice! You're right, Marshall. I gotta go get her. And I know exactly where she is.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Playbook (#5.8)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: So Robin, do you have a playbook?
Robin Scherbatsky: [motions at breasts] Two volumes, right here.
Ted Mosby: I've read them, it's a good read.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, I'm reading them right now.

Lily Aldrin: I had Shelley reserved for Ted for three years!
Barney Stinson: Well, he didn't miss much. She's brainy and whiny and boring in bed. Hey, maybe she is perfect for Ted.

Lily Aldrin: Can you believe that? He blames me! Oh, and by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you.
Ted Mosby: Hm. Let me think. Do I wanna go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? Guys, help me out with the harmonies?
Marshall Eriksen: Sure.
Ted Mosby: Hell no...
Robin Scherbatsky: Hell no...
Marshall Eriksen: Hell no...
Claire: Hell no...


"How I Met Your Mother: The Pineapple Incident (#1.10)" (2005)
Lily: [Marshall, Ted and Lily discover Barney in the bathtub] What are you doing in the bathtub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait a minute, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it.
[Barney starts laughing and looking at Ted and Marshall]
Barney: Haha, I totally didn't sleep through it! And boy, for a little girl, you've got a big tank!

Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Why don't you go wake her up?
Ted: And say what, what am I supposed to say?
Barney: Daddy's home.

Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial.


"How I Met Your Mother: Bad News (#6.13)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile] Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall Eriksen: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months.
[high-fives Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: Obviously, I'm the problem.
Barney Stinson: Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant - that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

Lily Aldrin: [to their fertility specialist] We're doing it a lot.
Marshall Eriksen: And everywhere. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your waiting-
[Cuts off]
Marshall Eriksen: ... the kitchen.

Lily Aldrin: This is bad news; this is like a black cat walked through my uterus.


"How I Met Your Mother: Unfinished (#6.3)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: Where's the poop, Robin?

Lily Aldrin: [Ted has decided not to take GNB's offer to design the headquarters again] But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.
Ted Mosby: I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...
Ted Mosby: For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.
Marshall Eriksen: ...But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan... with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

Robin Scherbatsky: So, at any point in this, did you say, "Barney, I know what you're doing, and it's not gonna work. I'm not taking that job?"
Ted Mosby: Uh, I mean, not exactly in those...
Lily Aldrin: You're loving this!
Ted Mosby: No...
Lily Aldrin: You are! You are loving the attention.
Ted Mosby: It's nice nice to be wanted! Okay? And yes, this is a new vest, thank you all for noticing. Oh, that's right: You didn't. Barney did.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, Teddy. You are so gonna spread your legs and design that building.
Ted Mosby: [gasps] I am not that kind of architect!
[gets up and exits the room furiously]


"How I Met Your Mother: Shelter Island (#4.5)" (2008)
Lily Aldrin: No "Don't get married, Ted"? No "worst mistake you'll ever make"? Barney Stinson, have you given up on the war against marriage?
Barney Stinson: No, I just know a lost cause when I see it. That's the reason I don't recycle.

Lily Aldrin: There's no meat.
Barney Stinson: There's no alcohol.
Marshall Eriksen: It gets worse, you guys. I think that guy you were talking to was lead singer for Spin Doctors.

Lily Aldrin: So you're back on Robin.
Barney Stinson: Hopefully. I mean, this weekend is the best chance ever to hook up with her again.
Lily Aldrin: You'll never pull it off, there's too many distractions. The first drunk bridesmaid you see, you'll have your hand under her dress like an old time photographer.
Barney Stinson: Lily, don't cheap in this. I don't wanna sound all mushy-gushy and romantic, but this weekend, Robin is the only woman I'm bangin'.


"How I Met Your Mother: Of Course (#5.17)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: How could you let me do that - you're my wife.
Lily Aldrin: I know but that song is kind of catchy.

Lily Aldrin: [to Barney, about him thinking Robin's been fine since they broke up] Of course she is upset - take a look at yourself you dumb slut.

Ted Mosby: Sounds like she read that book "Of Course You're Still Single, Take a Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut"
[Lily, Marshall and Barney stare at Ted]
Ted Mosby: What? It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.
[They still stare]
Ted Mosby: It's Robin's copy, I've just leafed through it a little bit.
Marshall Eriksen, Lily Aldrin, Barney Stinson: Oh, really?
Marshall Eriksen: Robin's Copy?


"How I Met Your Mother: P.S. I Love You (#8.15)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: But here's the thing about Ted Mosby: he doesn't give up!
Lily Aldrin: Stalker Ted alert! Repeat, stalker Ted alert!
[Ted picks up a yellow legal pad]
Marshall Eriksen: Already has a yellow legal pad going! Repeat, already has a yellow legal pad going!

Ted Mosby: Look, there's a fine line between love and insanity. It's the Dobler-Dahmer theory.
Lily Aldrin: Damn, I always forget the little one!
Ted Mosby: All right. If both people are into each other, a big romantic gesture works. Like Lloyd Dobler holding up the boom box outside Dianne Court's window in Say Anything. But if one person isn't into the other, the same gesture comes off serial-killer crazy, or Dahmer.

Robin Scherbatsky: [In the Underneath the Tunes video] Who doesn't love the mall? Shopping with your friends and... I can't do this. Get this out of my face, please! Thank you. Pardon me. Thanks. Sorry!
Lily Aldrin: Even when Canadians are mean, they're polite!


"How I Met Your Mother: Woooo! (#4.8)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: The world absolutely needs Woooo girls. If there were no Woo girls, there would be no Girls Gone Wild, no bachelorette parties, no Las Vegas poolside bars. All the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone.
Lily Aldrin: Those are not the things...
Barney Stinson: The souvenir shot glass industry would collapse. So would the body glitter industry... and the stretch Hummer limo industry. Tiny cowboy hats would only be worn by tiny cowboys. And when "Brown Eyed Girl" would come up on the jukebox, all you would hear would be silence... and "Brown Eyed Girl". But who would woo? Would you? Would you... woo?

Lily Aldrin: Hey, I can woo.
Robin Scherbatsky: That's not true.
Lily Aldrin: I could too.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's just not you.

Lily Aldrin: We saw you woo.
Robin Scherbatsky: Saw who woo?
Lily Aldrin: Saw you woo.
Robin Scherbatsky: I didn't woo!
Lily Aldrin: You did too!
Robin Scherbatsky: That's not true!
Lily Aldrin: Your nose just grew.


"How I Met Your Mother: A Change of Heart (#6.18)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: [Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby, Robin's new boyfriend, is missing from the apartment] Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.
Robin Scherbatsky: Got out? What do you mean?
Ted Mosby: He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall Eriksen: It wasn't me!
Lily Aldrin: Me neither.
[gasps]
Lily Aldrin: He must have figured out how to open it himself!
Ted Mosby: He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
Marshall Eriksen: I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

Lily Aldrin: Oooh, Barney's got feelings for a girl.
Barney Stinson: Yeah, penis feelings!

Lily Aldrin: Scooby, we're in our thirties, we don't smoke sandwiches anymore.
Ted Mosby: Sandwich brownies?
Lily Aldrin: Okay!


"How I Met Your Mother: Brunch (#2.3)" (2006)
Lily Aldrin: Just admit it, you came here to try and seduce me.
Marshall Eriksen: Seduce you? You seduced *me*!
Lily Aldrin: You sat down next to me and took most of your pants off!
Marshall Eriksen: You went to San Fransisco for three months!
Lily Aldrin: How is that seducing you?
Marshall Eriksen: Well it's not, but I'm still mad about it!

Narrator: Kids, you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2006 when grandma and grandpa came to visit me, and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy right? Wrong.
Lily Aldrin: [Cut to brunch] I wish your face would melt off.
Marshall Eriksen: I wish your eyeballs would explode.
Lily Aldrin: I hate you.
Marshall Eriksen: I hate you more.
Ted: [Cut to Ted and Barney's area of the table] I'm gonna kill him
Barney Stinson: I can't say I blame you.
Ted: No, I'm *seriously* gonna kill him.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Now to Robin and Ted' mom] I don't care how unpleasant it is, you have to talk to him!
Virginia Mosby: Not now!
Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, if you won't, I will
[Tries to stand up and accidentally knocks a tray out a a waitress' hand]
Narrator: Okay, for any of this to make sense, you gotta understand there are three parts to this story...

Lily Aldrin: Why did you have to throw your magnificent calves at me? You know you have a punter's leg.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, why did you have to throw your beautiful boobs at me? You know you have... boobs.


"How I Met Your Mother: Jenkins (#5.13)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: So that's the famous Jenkins. Funny, I was expecting a guy. So, lunch?
Marshall Eriksen: Wait, wait... You're not jealous?
Lily Aldrin: Honey, I don't have to worry about you being about another woman.
Marshall Eriksen: Because we're so hopelessly in love, right?
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, sure. So, lunch?

Marshall Eriksen: Our two kids, our eight grandkids, our 11 great-grandkids are all on a plane piloted by Oprah, and it's about to crash into a art museum with all of your favorite paintings, and the only way to save everything is just to answer the question: are you the reacher or the settler?
Lily Aldrin: And Oprah's tried everything?
Marshall Eriksen: Everything! And you have to decide now!
Lily Aldrin: Well, I guess, if I had to say, then maybe I'd say... I'm the settler.
Marshall Eriksen: How can you say that?

Lily Aldrin: [punches Jankens] Kiss my husband, MY husband, nobody kisses my future baby-daddy but me!


"How I Met Your Mother: Third Wheel (#3.3)" (2007)
Ted Mosby: It's a tricycle.
Barney Stinson: No way!
Marshall Eriksen: What happened?
Barney Stinson: It's a tricycle.
Marshall Eriksen: No way!
Lily Aldrin: What happened?
Marshall Eriksen: It's a tricycle.
Lily Aldrin: I'm telling you now, all sorority girls are sluts.

Robin Scherbatsky: I need a razor.
Lily Aldrin: What happened to not shaving until the third date? Where are your convictions?
Robin Scherbatsky: They were surgically removed by Doctor Awesome.

Marshall Eriksen: Why wasn't I told for the belt? I can go for the belt!
[Barney, Lily and Ted laugh]
Marshall Eriksen: If Lily woulda' die before me, then I could ride tricycle!
Lily Aldrin: If I die, I would just come back and haunt your penis...


"How I Met Your Mother: Big Days (#6.1)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: I have read eleven books on conception. I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour, but good for you for not playing with yourself.

Lily Aldrin: Whoa, wait. A big package just arrived.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah it did!
Lily Aldrin: No it's a real package, from your dad.
Marshall Eriksen: Well that's a little weird, but yeah it is!

Lily Aldrin: Barney, am I crazy? Marshall talks to his Dad way too much, right?
Barney Stinson: You don't want my opinion on that.
Lily Aldrin: Why not?
Barney Stinson: If I had my Dad's number, I would never not be on the phone with him.
Lily Aldrin: Wow, Barney, that was really...
Barney Stinson: [Girl walks by] Whoa, hottie with a body!
Lily Aldrin: ...brief.


"How I Met Your Mother: Cupcake (#1.16)" (2006)
Lily Aldrin: [upon the perfect wedding dress she just found] Okay, okay, how much is it on a scale from "never" to "never ever"?
Robin Scherbatsky: Never ever, ever ever ever times infinity.

Lily Aldrin: [Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey baby, how's the dress place?
Lily Aldrin: Everything's so fluffy and white, it's like shopping in a marshmallow! How's Barney's tailor?
Marshall Eriksen: Everything here is dark, sketchy, and seems illegal; It's like shopping in Barney's mind.


"How I Met Your Mother: False Positive (#6.12)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: [about the home pregnancy test] Are you sure you did it right?
Lily Aldrin: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

Lily Aldrin: I'm pregnant.
Barney Stinson: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Scorpion and the Toad (#2.2)" (2006)
Older Ted Mosby: About hangovers - everyone has their own special remedy.
Waiter: Morning guys, what can I get you?
Lily Aldrin: Shhh!
[Pats her head]
Lily Aldrin: Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted Mosby: Gravy.
Waiter: You want that gravy on something?
Ted Mosby: Surprise me.

[Barney is chatting with twin sisters at McLaren's, both of which he stole from Marshall]
Barney Stinson: So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er - manager. Why do I keep doing that?
[Lily storms in and glares at Barney]
Barney Stinson: Lily?
Lily Aldrin: You gave me chlamydia, you jerk!
[Lily throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out]
Barney Stinson: So, where was I? Ah yes, assistant ménage-er - I did it again. I can't believe it!
[Lily storms in again, this time wearing a hat, and changing her voice slightly, yells:]
Lily's "twin": You gave my twin sister chlamydia! You slime!
[Lily's "twin" throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out. The twins Barney was talking to get up and leave]
Barney Stinson: Wha... wait! I know magic!


"How I Met Your Mother: We're Not from Here (#3.2)" (2007)
[Robin's recent relationship with an Argentinean named Gael and her switch to more natural habits after her trip are being discussed by the characters at the bar]
Barney: Please... vacation romances have an expiration date. Gael's got a 'best if banged by' sticker on him. Once your romance starts to stink, you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk, and go back to being "unevolved Robin", the one we actually like. Back me up here, Ted.
Ted: I'm just happy Robin's happy.
Barney: I'm telling you: Within three days...
[Gael approaches]
Lily: Oh, here he comes - switch to big words.
Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin Scherbatsky: My journey was transformative, and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour, and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: This is all going to return to masticate you in the gluteals. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Lily: [Looking at Robin's travel photos] Wow, it's like a "Where's Waldo" of exposed genitalia, except it's really easy to find Waldo.


"How I Met Your Mother: Ten Sessions (#3.13)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: You do magic, how is juggling any lamer than magic?
Barney Stinson: Magic's not lame...
[shouts]
Barney Stinson: The flame!
[sparks come out of his sleeves, scares everyone]
Marshall Eriksen: [Startled] Ahh
Lily Aldrin: Barney no, no. We said no fire balls at the table.
Marshall Eriksen: What the hell is wrong with you?
Robin Scherbatsky: There's alcohol in here!
Barney Stinson: But... I...
Wendy: Barney, we've talked about this. It's a fire code violation.
Barney Stinson: Yea, but Ted provoked me.
Lily Aldrin: No no, you are in a time out now. Go sit over there.
Barney Stinson: But...
Lily Aldrin: Go.
[Barney moves one booth back, still facing the camera and still to the right of Robin]

Lily Aldrin: It can't be easy to woo someone while you're sticking your naked butt in their face.
Marshall Eriksen: Works for baboons. It's called "presenting".


"How I Met Your Mother: The Over-Correction (#8.10)" (2012)
Ted Mosby: [Annoyed at the gang for "borrowing" his stuff and never returning it] I'll take that.
[takes minicooler from Lily]
Ted Mosby: The Ted Mosby Store is officially closed.
[looks inside of cooler]
Ted Mosby: What spilled in here?
Lily Aldrin: Breastmilk.
Ted Mosby: [Makes a face and hand the minicooler back to Lily] Seriously, I give and give, and all I ask back is a little bit of respect
[leaves apartment wearing his red cowboy boots]

Barney Stinson: [the gang talks at MacLaren's over Marshall and Lily's parents hooking up] I think you should be happy for them.
Marshall Eriksen: What? But why? What is good about this?
Barney Stinson: Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece - she's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. Secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes, you fall for someone you never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
Lily Aldrin: I guess none of us ever thought of it that way.
Barney Stinson: Next round's on me.
[Gang stares at Barney in wonder]


"How I Met Your Mother: Natural History (#6.8)" (2010)
College Marshall Eriksen: [Lily sees a College Marshall exhibit and she asks College Marshall to return to her] You can't have me. Look at the sign.
[Lily sees EXTINCT tag at exhibit signage]
College Marshall Eriksen: I'm extinct. I've gone the way of Jane's Addiction.
Lily Aldrin: Actually, Jane's Addiction got back together.
College Marshall Eriksen: They did?
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, they've done a few tours, they've put out a new album.
College Marshall Eriksen: Are you serious? That is awesome! Are they just as good?
Lily Aldrin: [pause] Sure.

Lily Aldrin: [Marshall explains he technically didn't lie to Lily, since he responded with made-up words] So you'll probably quit GNB in a couple of years, right?
Marshall Eriksen: Affirmatootly.
Lily Aldrin: And become an environmental lawyer?
Marshall Eriksen: Yepskerdoodles.
Lily Aldrin: By the way, do you like this scarf?
Marshall Eriksen: Posititoachidoachmecoachipapoachey.


"How I Met Your Mother: Ring Up! (#8.14)" (2013)
Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin laments to Lily and Marshall not being able to get any freebies because of her being engaged] You know what, I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. This gross guy, brushed against my rack, and then apologized - and I think he really really meant it.
Lily Aldrin: Sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.
Marshall Eriksen: It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see.
[looks at Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: I see her brightly, and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love... and possibly alcohol mixed with some very powerful antibiotics.
Lily Aldrin: And that's how Barney sees you - and I know that's how you see Barney.

Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God, Ted! Your wrist.
Ted Mosby: [looking at his wrist without the leather cuff] Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen, I must've strained it by lifting.
Barney Stinson: I believe our dear friend Lily was referring to your other wrist. The one wearing the male birth control.
Robin Scherbatsky: I was gonna go with chastity bracelet.
Barney Stinson: God, is it possible to love you more?
[Barney and Robin kiss]
Ted Mosby: Really? I just saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, you know what, guys, leave him alone. He is a hero.
Ted Mosby: Thank you!
Marshall Eriksen: [pauses] You think your super strength came from wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Magician's Code: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered] In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it...
Lily Aldrin: I can't wait. What is the name?
Marshall Eriksen: The name is "Wait For It".
Lily Aldrin: [Screams while pushing] AAGHH... THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!

Robin Scherbatsky: That was not cool Ted.
Lily Aldrin: Contraction.
Robin Scherbatsky: That wasn't cool Ted.


"How I Met Your Mother: Little Boys (#3.4)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: I can't believe you got dumped by a six-year-old.
Robin Scherbatsky: Whatever. He was just a stupidhead.

Robin: [the guy she's dating has a kid] Why is this kid around anyway? Shouldn't he be with his mother? I mean, what kind of lawyer does this guy have if he has to take care of the kid all the time?
Lily: A good one. He won full custody.
Robin: [surprised] He won?
[confused]
Robin: He won? Oh god, getting the kid is winning, isn't it? Don't tell anyone I said that.


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Time in New York (#9.3)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: Thanks for not telling Robin the list was mine. But I don't get it. You're so against me moving. Why'd you help me out?
Lily Aldrin: For a guy that loves New York this much, to leave it... You must really need to go, huh?
Ted Mosby: Yeah. I really do.
Lily Aldrin: Okay. But there's still one item left on this list. Time to check it off.
Ted Mosby: Yeah, I should probably wait for Marshall.
Lily Aldrin: Well, we both know he may not get here in time. Be honest: Have you been avoiding Barney?
Ted Mosby: Maybe a little.
Lily Aldrin: This is the biggest weekend of his life, and you're his best bro. No matter how awkward you feel, if you're not there for him, you will always regret it. Hey, Ted?
Ted Mosby: Yeah.
Lily Aldrin: You wrote down all these things to say goodbye to. But so many of them are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost. To all the times that was a no instead of a yes. To all the scrapes and bruises. To all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time. But don't go have one last scotch with Barney... Have the first scotch, toasting Barney's new life. Because that's a good thing, and the good things will always be here waiting for you.
[flashbacks of many of the bad things Ted has gone through over the years flashes over the screen as Lily speaks. When Lily is done, Ted smiles]
Lily Aldrin: What?
Ted Mosby: Turn the page.
Lily Aldrin: [turns the page] "Get one last life lecture from Lily." Oh, you're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.
[they hug]

Lily Aldrin: [Sword fighting with Robin, imitating Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride] My name is Rodrigo Degoya, you killed someone I love, prepare to dance!
Narrator: Yes, kids, that's what your Aunt Lily thought the line was.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap (#5.9)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: Dad, what happened to your appartment?
Mickey Aldrin: I had a little disagreement with my roommate.
Lily Aldrin: What?
Mickey Aldrin: He wanted me to pay rent.

Lily Aldrin: I can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Marshall Eriksen: Because the slap has done what I'd hoped. It's brought us all closer together. And it's caused us to recognize both the frailty and the greatness in ourselves and each other.
Barney Stinson: Oh, give me a break!
Marshall Eriksen: [unties Barney] And that is why there will be no slapping today.
Barney Stinson: Oh, my God. This is the best Thanksgiving...
[Marshall slaps Barney so hard he falls over]
Marshall Eriksen: That's four! So, back to turkey.


"How I Met Your Mother: Something Blue (#2.22)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: I had four strawberries.
Ted Mosby: Was there a side of champagne with each of those strawberries?
Lily Aldrin: [burping] Yes!
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, you could have burped, or said the word yes, but the fact that you did both is exactly why I married you.

Barney: Ladies and Gentlemen- for the first time ever, Marshall Eriksen and Lily Aldrin!
Lily: Does it make you kinda sad that we don't share the same last name?
Marshall: You know- in a totally evolved, 21st century kinda way, yeah, a little.
Lily: You know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy- Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: I got it! You ready? You ready? Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son Totally, and their daughter Freakin'?
Lily: [laughs] I love you, Mr. Awesome.
Marshall: I love you, Mrs. Awesome.


"How I Met Your Mother: Symphony of Illumination (#7.12)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: I miss stockings. My step-dad Clint made us get rid of anything that reminds him of the commercialization of Christmas.
Lily Aldrin: I thought you said he dresses up as Santa?
Ted Mosby: Yeah, but to protest gender stereotypes, he plays Santa as a woman - though he keeps the beard. The result... is... disturbing.

Lily Aldrin: [Robin told the gang she can never be a "pole vaulter", instead of saying she is infertile] Are you okay?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah, yeah. I guess this, erm... this "pole vaulting thing" is finally hitting me.
Lily Aldrin: I don't get it Robin, did you really wanna be a pole vaulter?
Robin Scherbatsky: No. No, I was, eh... I was always adamantly against having erm... a, a "pole vaulting career", even though, it's what most women want.
Lily Aldrin: Most women wanna be a pole vaulter?
Robin Scherbatsky: In Canada, it's very big up there. You know, it's, it's meet a nice guy, get married, "vault some poles". But I never wanted that. Of course, it's, it's one thing not to want something, it's another to be told you can't have it. I guess it's, it's just nice knowing that you... you could, some day, do it, if you changed your mind. But now, all of a sudden, that door is closed.
Lily Aldrin: [Not getting it] What about the one where you ski and shoot, at the same time? That seems like something you'd be good at.


"How I Met Your Mother: Return of the Shirt (#1.4)" (2005)
Lily: Why would Natalie hang up on you?
Ted: I don't know.
Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No.
Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?
Ted: No.
Barney: I'm losing interest in your story.

Ted: [about how he should break up with Natalie] No, I have to do this face to face. It's just... I don't know what I'm gonna say!
Lily: Ted, have you consider telling her the truth?
[Barney and Marshall laugh at Lily]
Barney: Seriously, honey, men are working here.


"How I Met Your Mother: Lobster Crawl (#8.9)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: [Trying to get baby Marvin to crawl for the camera] Do it! If you ever wanna see these boobs again, crawl you sonnova me!

Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall and Lily talk about Ted's excesses in taking care of Marvin] I think that we've figured out what's wrong with you. You see, after we let you go...
Lily Aldrin: [flashback at apartment, Lily finds a book] What is this?
Marshall Eriksen: 'Marvin's Book of Firsts'?
[they browse book]
Lily Aldrin: [gasps at seeing Ted and Marvin with Santa Claus] Ted took Marvin to see Santa? I'm gonna take this book and I'm gonna shove it so far up his...
Marshall Eriksen: [Back to the present] The point is, it made us remember another scrapbook you made.
[Remembers Building's Book of Firsts about the GNB Tower]
Marshall Eriksen: That project really was your baby and now it's over, you're scared to move on.
Ted Mosby: I poured all my blood, sweat and tears into that building. To be fair, a lot of it happened the day I accidentally fell down that elevator shaft. The point is, it's just really hard to let go, especially since that building's my biggest accomplishment. I mean, maybe if I was where you guys at in life, all you had to be proud of...
[Lily gives him a lollipop]
Marshall Eriksen: We get it, you'll always gonna be Uncle Ted. But if Marvin can't be your next project, you need one of your own, so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter. He's over there.
[Points to black man sitting not far from them]


"How I Met Your Mother: No Pressure (#7.17)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall and Lily are caught by surprise that Barney slept in their bed] Why are you in our bed?
Barney Stinson: I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...
[excited at Lily's cleavage]
Barney Stinson: Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!

[last lines]
Narrator: Here's the funny thing. In my own crazy way, I was happy. For the first time in years, there was no little part of me clinging to the dream of being with Robin. Which meant for the first time in years, the world was wide open. Because, kids, when a door closes... well, you know the rest.
Lily Aldrin: For Ted's sake, I hate to say this, but... pay up.
[Holds her hand out. There is a short pause]
Marshall Eriksen: [smiles slightly] Not yet.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Pre-Nup (#8.2)" (2012)
Arthur: [Arthur has had enough of the couples' squabbling over Barney and Quinn's pre-nups] Enough, ENOOUGH!
[couples stop]
Arthur: You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do.
[to Marshall]
Arthur: You, start!
Marshall Eriksen: [to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.
Lily Aldrin: I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.
Arthur: [to Ted and Victoria] You, next!
Ted Mosby: Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.
Victoria: I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.
Arthur: [to Robin and Nick] Next!
Nick: I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.
Robin Scherbatsky: I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.
Nick: Oh... That's cool.

Lily Aldrin: Marshall, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast.
Marshall Eriksen: I didn't put the bread in there, you didn't put the bread in there!


"How I Met Your Mother: Home Wreckers (#5.20)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: We all have to live with the mistakes we make, but how often do you get to bash the living hell out of them?

Lily Aldrin: To Ted Mosby. Homeowner, friend, and if he can rent it out, slumlord.


"How I Met Your Mother: Weekend at Barney's (#8.18)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: So, there's this big gallery opening tonight...
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, we'd love to, but we've got this, hum...
Barney Stinson: Genesis reunion. Madison Square Garden. Front row. It's gonna be legen...
Lily Aldrin: I wasn't inviting you guys.
Barney Stinson: Oh, thank God! There is no concert.

Lily Aldrin: There is Strickland Stevens.
Marshall Eriksen: Wow. Even his scarf is up-and-coming.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Fight (#4.10)" (2008)
Lily Aldrin: Okay, okay, stop fighting!
Kindergartener: Why?
Lily Aldrin: Because it's stupid and juvenile.
Kid: We're six. We are stupid and juvenile.

Ted Mosby: I think we should go someplace else. In this bar I will always be known as the guy who was left at the altar. It sucks.
Barney Stinson: Good Times.
Ted Mosby: Uh-oh, we lost Barney.
Robin Scherbatsky: What'ya mean?
Lily Aldrin: There's a woman over there in a tight red sweater, and he's not listening to a word we're saying.
Barney Stinson: Gimme a Break!
Ted Mosby: Long ago, he learned that he can fake a conversation by listing black sitcoms from the '70s and '80s. Right, Barney?
Barney Stinson: What's Happenin'?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Wanna go with me and do stuff that I don't even let Marshall do to me?
Barney Stinson: Diff'rent Strokes!


"How I Met Your Mother: Something New (#8.24)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: Ted, you did this all yourself?
Ted Mosby: Just like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. It's pretty manly until I mentioned "Ryan Gosling in The Notebook," huh?
Lily Aldrin: Even I haven't seen it, Ted.

Lily Aldrin: You didn't tell your mom about Rome?
Marshall Eriksen: It didn't feel right! This isn't an over-the-phone news, this is face-to-face news! I was gonna tell her when we see her in Christmas!
Lily Aldrin: You were gonna wait and tell her after we've been living there for six months? That... was a great plan! Dammit!


"How I Met Your Mother: Happily Ever After (#4.6)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: This is a map of Stella-free areas. The white areas are safe, the red ones are not, the blue ones are water.
Lily Aldrin: Ted, that's ridiculous.
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, water is blue.

Lily Aldrin: You may come from Ohio, but you're in New York now, and here we don't keep our feelings bottled up. We shove them in someone else's face.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Best Burger in New York (#4.2)" (2008)
Ted, Barney, Lily: [All take bite from burger] Mmmmmmm
Lily: Oh my God! this burger is so good, it's like Christmas in my mouth. Meat Christmas!
Ted: It's like an angel from Heaven landed at the kitchen at MacLaren's. Or the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.
Barney: I love this burger so much, I wanna sew my ass shut.
Marshall: [Disappointed] It's okay.
Ted, Barney, Lily: [All, except Marhsall] What?

Lily: I wanna get tiny fitted sheets for this burger and just crawl into this bun, and get all cozy and die there.
Robin: Oh, my God, I just want you inside of me.
Barney: This feels so good! I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant.
Marshall: If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies.


"How I Met Your Mother: Sunrise (#9.17)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: Okay, yes, seven-years-ago Lily, maybe I am wrong for still being mad at you about San Francisco and our breakup. But the truth is, when you left me, that was the saddest I've ever been in my life.
Lily Aldrin: [Imaginary] Really? The saddest you've ever been in your life?
Marshall Eriksen: Saddest I've ever been in my life.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: [Also imaginary] I mean, I am sitting right here.
Marshall Eriksen: Look, Dad, yes, obviously, losing you was way worse, but I'm trying to make a bigger point here.
Marvin Eriksen Sr.: And what point is that? Because she hurt you once, you now get to hurt her? It's not how it works in a marriage.

Lily Aldrin: [in imaginary 2006 form] Barney's wedding? Oh, God. What desperate ho-bag is handcuffing herself to that time bomb?
Robin Scherbatsky: My dad did a real number on me.


"How I Met Your Mother: Drumroll, Please (#1.13)" (2006)
Lily: So that's what happened to the bouquet. Well, good for Victoria, that's an evil tradition.
Ted: So wait, you're not gonna have one at your wedding?
Lily: Hell, yeah, I'm gonna throw that flower grenade and yell "Crawl for it, Bitches!" It's just what girls do.

Ted: There was no Victoria at the wedding.
Lily: Maybe she used a second fake name. Oh, she's good, she's very good.


"How I Met Your Mother: Doppelgangers (#5.24)" (2010)
Barney Stinson: [Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
[Barney opens their door]
Barney Stinson: You guys bangin'?
Lily Aldrin, Marshall Eriksen: Whaaaaaa!
Barney Stinson: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted Mosby: [Enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here.
[Marshall and Lily scream]
Ted Mosby: Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up.
Robin Scherbatsky: [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again] This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010.
[Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

Marshall Eriksen: Ted, I love you buddy, but there is no way you can pull off blonde.
Lily Aldrin: Seriously, Ted, don't do it
Ted Mosby: I'm going blonde!
Marshall Eriksen: That is NOT the outcome we were hoping for.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Exploding Meatball Sub (#6.20)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: [At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage] Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily Aldrin: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone!
[Nearby DHS agents look at her]
Ted Mosby: [sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
Lily Aldrin: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb
[agents look their way again]
Lily Aldrin: and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted Mosby: [looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions.
[sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call]
Ted Mosby: U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
Lily Aldrin: I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Ted Mosby: Lily...
Lily Aldrin: I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this.
[heads to terminal]

Lily Aldrin: Marshall and I have been together for fifteen years and the only debate about Tommy Boy we've ever had, is whether it's awesome or super awesome. That's love bitch!


"How I Met Your Mother: Zoo or False (#5.19)" (2010)
Ted Mosby: Monkeys are mugging people now? It really is a jungle out there.
Lily Aldrin: Oh my God, that monkey has our address. What if he's in a gang? I hope he doesn't do a swing-by.

Robin Scherbatsky: Hey, guys. What's up?
Barney Stinson: Oh, some new information has come to light on Marshall's mugging.
Robin Scherbatsky: [seriously] Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
Ted Mosby: Well, he's behind bars.
Robin Scherbatsky: Where did they find him?
Lily Aldrin: I'm guessing naked in the trees, throwing his own feces.
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, I've seen that guy. See, that's why I take cabs.
Ted Mosby: You know how they caught him, right?
Marshall Eriksen: [reluctantly] There was a tail on him...
Ted Mosby: There was a tail on him!
[he, Lily and Barney laugh]


"How I Met Your Mother: Double Date (#5.2)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: [During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder] It's time, baby.
Marshall Eriksen: [Crying] I will never love again!
Lily Aldrin: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and... plow her like a cornfield.
[hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
Minister Giles: [at Lily's funeral] ... and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield.
[Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
Minister Giles: [an appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
April: [an appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl] Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall Eriksen: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil.
[to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt]
Marshall Eriksen: Where do I sign?
[necks her]

Barney Stinson: Guess who got four tickets to the the origins of Chewbaca exhibit?
Lily Aldrin: Why?
Barney Stinson: No, I said who.
Lily Aldrin: I heard you.
Robin Scherbatsky: Isn't it a little early in our relationship to be doing things that would end our relationship?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Stamp Tramp (#8.7)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: So you're saying the credit for the stamp goes to Dr. X, then, not you.
[Ted hesitates, seemingly in an inner fight with himself]
Ted Mosby: Okay. I'm gonna tell you something right now.
Lily Aldrin: [to Robin and Barney] Take a step, follow my lead.
Ted Mosby: I'm Dr. X.
[Lily, Robin and Barney all fake-spit out their drinks]

Lily Aldrin: How do you even know there's gonna be a mention of Dishwalla on those tapes?
Ted Mosby: I don't. And it did take me days to get through them all, but that is how committed I am to the truth.
[starts the video]
Lily Aldrin: [off screen, on the video] Hey, you guys should check out that song by the band Dishwalla.
Ted Mosby: [also off screen, on the video] Really? I've never heard of them!
Ted Mosby: Damn it!


"How I Met Your Mother: Blitzgiving (#6.10)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: It's a booma-wang.
Robin Scherbatsky: Nice
Lily Aldrin: Thanks.
Robin Scherbatsky: No I meant the wang.

Ted Mosby: Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you? I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily Aldrin: Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted Mosby: THAT'S KATE HUDSON!
Lily Aldrin: Oh yeah... That's who I hate.
[to the others]
Lily Aldrin: Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Truth (#7.2)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious?
Ted Mosby: Define serious.
Lily Aldrin: Well that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments...
Marshall Eriksen: Third base, serious at third base!

Ted Mosby: I can't decide. They're both awesome.
Robin Scherbatsky: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted gives her an annoyed look]
Lily Aldrin: [Helpful] I got this. Ted,
[extends fists]
Lily Aldrin: left or right?
Ted Mosby: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh?
[speaks while alternating fists]
Ted Mosby: I will pick left.
[Lily slaps him]
Lily Aldrin: Just call one of 'em!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Autumn of Breakups (#8.5)" (2012)
Ted Mosby: [about Victoria] Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?
Marshall Eriksen: Men! It's like if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?
Lily Aldrin: Mmhm!

Lily Aldrin: [Explaining Marshall's new "sassy" persona] Look Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.
Marshall Eriksen: My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise, that there is no possible response other than "Mm" or *Mmhm*. And if this is a place where we can share our dreams, I like to think that it is, I hope someday, to earn a... *testify*!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Yips (#3.10)" (2007)
Robin Scherbatsky: That made me want to join a gym so that I can get super-strong and punch you really hard in the face.
Ted Mosby: You know what? Let's all do it.
Lily Aldrin Eriksen: Yeah, let's all punch Barney in the face.

Robin Scherbatsky: I love it here. It's just normal women who wanna get in shape. I don't have to put on makeup, do my hair, wear some trendy outfit.
Ted Mosby: Yeah, this place is great. We're meeting our friend Robin here. I hope you don't hate her. She's pretty hot.
Robin Scherbatsky: Shut up. Lily, tell him to shut up.
Lily Aldrin Eriksen: I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard. Do we know each other?
Barney Stinson: Ted, Lily, you'll never believe what just happened.
Barney Stinson: [to Robin] Oh hey dude, I'm Barney


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Forever: Part Two (#9.24)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? How could you put us through that? That goodbye was emotionally devastating! A certain delicate flower cried all night in the shower.
Lily Aldrin: And *I* was pretty bummed too!

Lily Aldrin: I can't believe it. It's Ted Mosby's wedding day.
Ted: Yes. After only 7 years and 2 kids. Guys, am I rushing into this?


"How I Met Your Mother: How I Met Everyone Else (#3.5)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: Marshall, remember how I told you how I made out with someone at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, Too-much-tongue guy.
Ted Mosby: And remember that I told you that at the freshman orientation party, I made out with a girl?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, inappropriately-small-mouth-opening girl.
Ted Mosby: Well, I'm too-much-tongue guy.
Lily Aldrin: And I'm inappropriately-small-mouth-opening girl.
Barney Stinson: Worst superheroes ever.

Lily Aldrin: Ted, what's going on?
Ted Mosby: [Points to Blah Blah] She knows about us. How we really met.
Lily Aldrin: Yeah, I know, I just told her.
Ted Mosby: No, the *real* story
Lily Aldrin: Ted, what are you talking about?
Ted Mosby: Lily, c'mon.
Lily Aldrin: C'mon what?
Ted Mosby: Lily, c'mon.
Lily Aldrin: [Getting annoyed] Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
Ted Mosby: Lily, c'mon.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Goat (#3.17)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: We can't keep a goat.
Lily Aldrin: But she's so cute and fuzzy and soft.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, and it also sheds, eats garbage and can't control it's bowel movements. Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital and say my Uncle Linus can live with us?

Lily Aldrin: I can't believe you slept with Barney, that's so gross! Was it amazing?


"How I Met Your Mother: Noretta (#7.7)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers] AHHHH, I can't go through with this!
Marshall Eriksen: Thank God, me neither.
Lily Aldrin: You're too much like my dad.
Marshall Eriksen: You're too much like *my* dad!
Lily Aldrin: [Angry] Your DAD?
Marshall Eriksen: [Later on, after they make up] I'm the real lucky guy because I married my dad.

Marshall Eriksen: So, I was trying to think how to best express how sexy you are to me. A song? A poem? And then it hit me: a board game!
Lily Aldrin: You just get women.
Marshall Eriksen: No, no, no! You'll like this. We ask risque questions and spicy dares to slowly move up your shapely legs. I call it "Shoots and Lilies"
Lily Aldrin: I would have guessed "Monopo-Lily"
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, that would have been better.


"How I Met Your Mother: Trilogy Time (#7.20)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: [In Ted's imagination] I'm pregnant with baby number five!
Ted Mosby: But baby number four isn't out yet!
Marshall Eriksen: I'm just that good!

Lily Aldrin: [about Barney not wanting to use Quinn's mugs] Oh, I see what this is really about.
Barney Stinson: Yeah... mugs.
[Sees Lily's face]
Barney Stinson: Coffee? Tea! Ah. Religion.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Platinum Rule (#3.11)" (2007)
Ted Mosby: [about his butterfly tattoo] Take a good look, guys. Get ready to kiss it goodbye.
Lily Aldrin: Oh, Ted. Now how will we know you're a stripper from Vegas with daddy issues?

Lily Aldrin: This is New York, we don't talk to the neighbors. We say hello as we pass them in the hall, we call the police when we haven't seen them for a while and there's a weird smell coming from their apartment, and that's it.


"How I Met Your Mother: Three Days of Snow (#4.13)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: [Lily calls Marshall while he is with clients] Hey, baby. It's lunchtime, and I love you.
Marshall Eriksen: I reciprocate in principle, although with the caveat that there seems to be a bit of a surplus here on my end.
Lily Aldrin: No, I love you more.
Marshall Eriksen: Do we need to get in a room together and bang this thing out?
[pause]
Marshall Eriksen: Those sound like agreeable terms, although I may need to adjust my briefs.

Lily Aldrin: [With a six pack of... ] Aspen Yards Ale, get it?
Marshall Eriksen: Actually, no.
Lily Aldrin: Me, neither. I was hoping you would.


"How I Met Your Mother: Romeward Bound (#8.21)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: [about how Marshall told half-truths about his work life] When you said you were about to get reamed?
Marshall Eriksen: Oh right that. No, sometimes for fun, we throw reams of paper at each other. Bernard! Not a good time! Read the room!

Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall tries to convince Lily of accepting the Captain's assignment for her in Rome and she calls him on her speaking only one Italian sentence. subtitles appear while Marshall repeats said sentence] Come on, maybe the only sentence I know is "come on bro, don't Bogart all the Funyuns," but I know in my heart that you understand me anyway. Because no one I know has better understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is this trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not, but I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.
Lily Aldrin: I love you.
[kisses Marshall]
Lily Aldrin: So, we're going to Italy!
Marshall Eriksen: Si!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Best Man (#7.1)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [Lily is pregnant, but her and Marshall haven't told anyone yet] You're drinking for two tonight baby
Marshall Eriksen: I will do this, for the child.

Robin Scherbatsky: Lily, we are getting sloshed tonight.
Lily Aldrin: [to Robin] Yay.
[Takes shot and turns to Marshall]
Lily Aldrin: That's all you baby.
Marshall Eriksen: No, I'll be four shots in with no food.
Lily Aldrin: In nine months I'll be pushing a pumpkin-headed Eriksen baby out of my who-ha; I think papa can manage a few extra cocktails.
Marshall Eriksen: Well played.


"How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra (#9.14)" (2014)
Marshall Eriksen: Which mountain?
Lily Aldrin: No, not Witch Mountain. Slap Mountain.


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Words (#6.14)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: Hey! You really do have everything in there, don't you?
Ted Mosby: You're like Mary Poppins if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.
Robin Scherbatsky: If? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent fifteen minutes chasing a cartoon fox... spoon full of sugar? Grow up.


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Forever: Part One (#9.23)" (2014)
Lily Aldrin: Sweetie, how was work?
Marshall Eriksen: My boss only called me 3 words that meant vagina today.


"How I Met Your Mother: Mosbius Designs (#4.20)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: So tell me, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Narrator: And then Barney told the punchline. To this day, it's the dirtiest joke I've ever heard. And no, I'm not going to say it.
Lily Aldrin: I can't be around you anymore.
[Leaves]
Barney Stinson: Aw, come on!
Ted Mosby: Told ya.
Barney Stinson: She'll be back.
Narrator: And we didn't see Lily again for four weeks.


"How I Met Your Mother: Good Crazy (#7.22)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: [Very pregnant] Please help me off the couch so I can storm out!


"How I Met Your Mother: Challenge Accepted (#6.24)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall has arrived home from his job interview] Hey baby, how'd it go?
Marshall Eriksen: Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
Lily Aldrin: Baby, come here.
Marshall Eriksen: I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down]
Narrator: And Marshall slept...
[the set darkens and then lights up again]
Narrator: All night.
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room] Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
Lily Aldrin: I know, baby.
[reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands]
Lily Aldrin: ... I'm pregnant.


"How I Met Your Mother: Say Cheese (#5.18)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake] 42nd? Does this
[gestures to Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
Lily Aldrin: No Marshall, it's okay.
Marshall Eriksen: No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
Amanda: I'm so sorry...
Marshall Eriksen: OUT!
[points thumb at door]


"How I Met Your Mother: Vesuvius (#9.19)" (2014)
Lily Aldrin: Ted's leaving for Chicag...
Ted Mosby: [pointing at Barney] Wait, you already know.
Ted Mosby: [pointing at Robin] You already know.
Ted Mosby: [pointing at Marshall] You're married to Lily, which means...
Marshall Eriksen: She pocket-texted me while you were telling her.


"How I Met Your Mother: Swarley (#2.7)" (2006)
Robin Scherbatsky: What's up, Swarles?
Barney Stinson: No, okay? No! No more! I will not let this become a thing! It's OVER! No more "Swarley!" No "Swarles!" No more "Swar-LAY!" No more "Swar - wait for it - LEE!" No more "Bob Swarleyman!" No more! No! It's over! Do you understand?
Lily Aldrin, Robin Scherbatsky: Yes.
Barney Stinson: Thank you.
[walks away, unaware of a "CALL ME SWARLEY" sign on his back]


"How I Met Your Mother: The Broath (#7.19)" (2012)
Barney Stinson: And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Complaining] Barney!
Barney Stinson: The two ladies will kiss!
Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her] Uh, Lily.
Lily Aldrin: Sorry.
Barney Stinson: And now the gentlemen...
Ted Mosby: [Serious protest] DUDE!
Barney Stinson: [Adamant] And now the gentlemen!
[Marshall and Ted kiss]
Barney Stinson: I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?


"How I Met Your Mother: Miracles (#3.20)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: I had to look away because if I watched what the paramedics were about to do, I would've passed out. Then they took out this electric blade thing, and I kept thinking "this isn't happening, this isn't happening!"
Lily Aldrin: Oh my god, what did they cut?
Barney Stinson: My suit, my beautiful suit!


"How I Met Your Mother: Robots vs. Wrestlers (#5.22)" (2010)
Robin Scherbatsky: I have plans with Don on Saturday: He's making me Chinese.
Lily Aldrin: I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise I'll have some follow-up questions.


"How I Met Your Mother: Desperation Day (#6.16)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help] Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall Eriksen: [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily Aldrin: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall Eriksen: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily Aldrin: Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...
Ted Mosby: [Surprised] You have Super Mario Kart?
Marshall Eriksen: Hell, yeah.
[points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily Aldrin: ...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Marshall Eriksen: Baby, don't go.
Lily Aldrin: [kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.


"How I Met Your Mother: Murtaugh (#4.19)" (2009)
Lily Aldrin: [to Marshall about coaching her kindergarten team] At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddy-bear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your internet search history was a freakin' picnic.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Perfect Cocktail (#6.22)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: [to a woman eying their booth at MacLaren's] Excuse me waitress? I'll have a mojito and you'll have a no seat ho!


"How I Met Your Mother: Bagpipes (#5.6)" (2009)
Robin Scherbatsky: So what if we're not the best couple in the world?
Barney Stinson: Yeah. It's not like it's a competition.
[Meanwhile, in Lily and Marshall's appartment]
Lily Aldrin: We win!
Marshall Eriksen: [Pops open bottle of champagne] Best couple in the world!


"How I Met Your Mother: I'm Not That Guy (#3.6)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: Are you telling me that there are conventions for porn?
Barney Stinson: Affirmative. Or, to put it another way, God bless America.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Broken Code (#9.4)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Robin Scherbatsky: Which one? I can't do both.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Window (#5.10)" (2009)
Ted Mosby: [Ted receives a call] Hello?
Mrs. Douglas: Hello? Ted Mosby?
Ted Mosby: Yes?
Mrs. Douglas: The window is open.
Ted Mosby: [pause] What?
Mrs. Douglas: The Window... is open!
Ted Mosby: [hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
Marshall Eriksen: What are you waiting for?
Ted Mosby: I... I...
Marshall Eriksen: Run, Ted! RUN!
[Ted runs out of the apartment]
Ted Mosby: [to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Lily Aldrin: Make a hole, people!
[gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it]
Lily Aldrin: Run, Ted! RUN!


"How I Met Your Mother: Sandcastles in the Sand (#3.16)" (2008)
Marshall Eriksen: Did he - and I'm trying to put this as delicately as possible - did he take your maple leaf?
Robin Scherbatsky: No, nothing like that.
Barney Stinson: Did he give you your first O Canada face?
Narrator: This went on for quite a while. Some were sophisticated and elegant...
Lily Aldrin: Were the two of you really Inuit?
Narrator: Some were crude and ill-formed...
Ted Mosby: Something about bear traps.
Narrator: And some were obvious and needed to be said.
Barney Stinson: Did you ride his zamboni?
Marshall Eriksen: No, I think I'm all out.
Ted Mosby: Me too. I'm all out. Now I'm out.


"How I Met Your Mother: Where Were We? (#2.1)" (2006)
Marshall Eriksen: [Reading Lily's credit card bill] August 5, one charge - tickets. To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars. August 10, one charge, Tennis Emporium. August 18, two charges. Mario's bistro and - get this - Pet Palace. You guys see what it means right?
Lily Aldrin: [Marshall's imagination] Wow, Mario's bistro. What a perfect place to whore around.
George Clinton: Only the best for my little Lily Pad.
Lily Aldrin: Oh funk legend George Clinton, I am so glad you spotted me at your concert an drag me on stage to dance with you Courtney Cox style.
George Clinton: I am so glad you agreed to play tennis with me.
Lily Aldrin: Oh you know, Marshall tried to get me to play tennis for nine years but I didn't do it because I never truly loved him.
George Clinton: I got you a gift.
Lily Aldrin: Oh! A ferret. I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. I've always wanted one, but Marshall have this secret phobia of ferrets.
George Clinton: I bet that's something he made you promise to tell nobody.
Lily Aldrin: It was! Oh, I love you funk legend George Clinton.
George Clinton: I love you too, Lily. That's right Marshall, she's all mine. Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Final Page: Part Two (#8.12)" (2012)
Lily Aldrin: Okay but hurry, or I'm gonna start doing number eleven on my own.
Marshall Eriksen: You can do that by yourself?
Lily Aldrin: Pilates bitch!


"How I Met Your Mother: Twin Beds (#5.21)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: Can't we at least push them together?
Marshall Eriksen: Sure! Oh, you mean the twin beds. No, I don't want that.


"How I Met Your Mother: The End of the Aisle (#9.22)" (2014)
Lily Aldrin: [reading Barney's intended weddings vows] I vow to love you forever unconditionally, unless you pudge out, in which case I'm a Barney-shaped hole in the wall.


"How I Met Your Mother: Tick Tick Tick (#7.10)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: [Having an epiphany after getting high and believing they've missed the entire Groove show] I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know
Ted Mosby: I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.
Marshall Eriksen: We're getting old.
[sees Lily]
Marshall Eriksen: Lily!
[hugs her]
Marshall Eriksen: I'm so sorry that we ruined our night
Lily Aldrin: What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!


"How I Met Your Mother: Architect of Destruction (#6.5)" (2010)
Barney: [girls talking about penis size] How can you speak of such things?
Lily: You kidding? Barney every time I mentionned a woman you don t know, the first thing you say is : "boobs?". Not the complete sentence like : "Does she have big boobs?" which also will not be great but just "boobs?"
Barney: I do not do that!
Lily: my friend Lori from work...
Barney: Boobs?... Damn it


"How I Met Your Mother: Tailgate (#7.13)" (2012)
Marshall Eriksen: [Lily is upset that her father paid little attention over the phone that she was pregnant] Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.
Lily Aldrin: You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there.
[Grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading]
Lily Aldrin: June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.
Marshall Eriksen: ...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.
Lily Aldrin: I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything... but myself.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.
Lily Aldrin: [Slight smile] There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.


"How I Met Your Mother: Last Cigarette Ever (#5.11)" (2009)
Robin Scherbatsky: If I can't even get my best friends to watch, who's gonna watch?
Marshall Eriksen: Lots of people! You've got bed ridden insomniacs, bums camping outside a department store, people waiting in the ER, where the TV is in a cage so you can't change the channel...
Lily Aldrin: Oh, do you have any stalkers?
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah. But even Leonard won't watch the show.


"How I Met Your Mother: Gary Blauman (#9.21)" (2014)
Barney Stinson: Did you say "Gary Blauman"?
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah
Barney Stinson: Gary Blauman?
Ted Mosby: Yes
Barney Stinson: Blauman... comma, Gary?
Lily Aldrin: Point, comma, get to the damn.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Time Travelers (#8.20)" (2013)
Robin Scherbatsky: [Marshall is bitter because a drink he conceptualized at MacLaren's is named after Robin] It's my usual!
Marshall Eriksen: Immaterial! If it's gonna be named after anybody, it should be the Marshall Eriksen.
Robin Scherbatsky: Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky, read it and weep.
Marshall Eriksen: So you're gonna Zuckerberg me? Alright, you're Zuckerberging me? It's fine, I'll see you in court, a little court called the dance floor. Dance-off now!
Lily Aldrin: No, no dancing. Marshall, we've been through this. The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever, you have to lay off dancing for a while.
Marshall Eriksen: You're killing me, Lily! You're killing me! I'm an adult, you have to let me dance my own battles.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Chain of Screaming (#3.15)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: That's why there's a little thing in corporate America I like to call the chain of screaming
Marshall Eriksen: The chain of screaming?
Barney Stinson: Yes. The chain of screaming starts at the top. Arthur's boss's boss screams at Arthur's boss. Arthur's boss screams at Arthur. Arthur screams at you. You go home and scream at Lily. Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. Then that kid screams at her dad: Arthur's boss's boss. And the whole thing starts all over again; thus completing the circle of screaming
Ted Mosby: I thought you said it was a chain of screaming?
Barney Stinson: It's a circle, Ted. I called it a circle.
Marshall Eriksen: I don't scream at Lily
Lily Aldrin: And I don't scream at my kids. None of whom have parents that work at Marshall's firm.
Robin Scherbatsky: So it's not a circle
Barney Stinson: [Angry] Fine! You want it to be a chain of screaming? A chain of screaming. I come up with the circle idea halfway through because I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, but fine, RUIN it. You guys always undermine me when I'm trying to make a point and I'm sick of it. Argh! I'm surrounded by idiots. IDIOTS.
[Normal]
Barney Stinson: See, doesn't everyone feel better now?


"How I Met Your Mother: Garbage Island (#6.17)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: You should work at a carnival.
Barney Stinson: I tried; they're pretty strict with backgrounds.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Rough Patch (#5.7)" (2009)
Marshall Eriksen: So what did you get?
Lily Aldrin: I got Squat.
Marshall Eriksen: But I saw you take one.
Lily Aldrin: I did. It's called "Squat".


"How I Met Your Mother: The Naked Man (#4.9)" (2008)
Ted Mosby: There is no way that will work on Robin. She'll just laugh at him and throw him out.
Lily Aldrin: [laughs] Maybe she'll kick his ass first.
Marshall Eriksen: [laughs] Maybe she'll shoot him with her gun.
[All stop laughing and run out the door]


"How I Met Your Mother: Coming Back (#9.2)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: [to the Inn Manager] I'm not some miserable, lonely person. Tell him, Lily.
Lily Aldrin: It's been a tough weekend for him.
Ted Mosby: Bro!
Lily Aldrin: We're here for a wedding.
Curtis: Ouch.
Lily Aldrin: He used to date the bride.
Curtis: Oh mama.
Lily Aldrin: And he's the best man.
Curtis: Devastating.


"How I Met Your Mother: Oh Honey (#6.15)" (2011)
Lily Aldrin: We hate Ted now. Get on board or the sexting stops!
Marshall Eriksen: Ted's a son of a bitch!


"How I Met Your Mother: Bedtime Stories (#9.11)" (2013)
Marshall Eriksen: [voiceover narration] He rose to go approach this girl who commanded such intrigue, when Mommy interrupted...
Lily Aldrin: Dude, she's way out of your league! She's not in Daisy Dukes nor squeezed into a Hooters tee, and I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. She's sipping chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. She's not playing with her hair. There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.
Barney Stinson: Your challenge is accepted, Lil. There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City!


"How I Met Your Mother: No Questions Asked (#9.7)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: [scared due to storm outside and her supposedly haunted inn room] Maybe if it'll make *you* feel even better, you can sing me a version of Marvin's lullaby?
Ted Mosby: Night-night, little Lily / No ifs, ands, or buts / No peg-legged ghost is waiting / To hook out your guts.


"How I Met Your Mother: Perfect Week (#5.14)" (2010)
Lily Aldrin: So how'd the date with Dale go?
Robin Scherbatsky: Sometimes the dude with the horn-rimmed glasses and the Smurfs T-shirt is being ironic, and sometimes he's just a dork with a lazy eye who has a love-hate relationship with Gargamel.
Lily Aldrin: Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date doesn't mean he's not husband material.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, Sasquatch isn't fictional.


"How I Met Your Mother: Glitter (#6.9)" (2010)
Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many] Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
Lily Aldrin: What is that supposed to mean?
Robin Scherbatsky: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily Aldrin: Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.


"How I Met Your Mother: Bad Crazy (#8.16)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: You took my infant child to a strip club?
Robin Scherbatsky: It was just topless!


"How I Met Your Mother: The Fortress (#8.19)" (2013)
Lily Aldrin: [the Captain tips off Lily about an art piece he wants to buy] Where is it?
The Captain: Riker's Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.


"How I Met Your Mother: I Heart NJ (#4.3)" (2008)
Lily Aldrin: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
Ted Mosby: What if I murder you and bury somewhere else?
Lily Aldrin: Neh, I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Sweet Taste of Liberty (#1.3)" (2005)
Guy #2: So where are you from, heaven?
Robin Scherbatsky: That's right, I'm a ghost. I died fifteen years ago, kinda like that pick-up line.
Lily Aldrin: Hey-Oh!


"How I Met Your Mother: Landmarks (#6.23)" (2011)
Ted Mosby: First of all, no ninja is getting the jump on me; I have the reflexes of a jungle-
[Robin slaps him]
Lily Aldrin: ...tree?


"How I Met Your Mother: The Magician's Code: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2012)
Narrator: Lily and Marshall asked Robin to be the photographer for baby Marvin's birth announcement card. Instead of me. Whatever. The only problem?
[cuts to lots of bad photos where Lily, Marshall and the baby all look horrible]
Lily Aldrin: These are terrible, Robin.
Robin Scherbatsky: Hey, it is not easy getting a good shot cooped up in this apartment.
Ted Mosby: See? Two different styles. I make compositions. Robin makes excuses. Click, photo burn.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Rebound Girl (#7.11)" (2011)
Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents] Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.
Lily Aldrin: Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.
Marshall Eriksen: 'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers... as a family.


"How I Met Your Mother: Something Borrowed (#2.21)" (2007)
Lily Aldrin: So instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. My mother owes someone money, and his daughter plays the harp.
Barney Stinson: Is she hot? Because then I can cross "harp player" off my list.
Ted Mosby: How long is this list?
Barney Stinson: I'm not telling you how many pages my list has. I'm not crass.
Lily Aldrin: It doesn't matter anyway, because she's pregnant.
Barney Stinson: Good. That way I can cross two things off my list.


"How I Met Your Mother: Baby Talk (#6.6)" (2010)
Marshall Eriksen: How come the creepy kid in a horror movie is always a girl? Or twin girls, who speak in unison.
Lily Aldrin: What about Chucky?
Marshall Eriksen: A, he was a doll. B, he was possessed by an adult serial killer, and C, how could you bring up Chucky right before bed?


"How I Met Your Mother: Something Old (#8.23)" (2013)
Ted Mosby: This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college. It-it was the only piece of furniture we had for a week. And now you two are moving to Italy. I mean, what if our friendship doesn't the pass the "have-you-used-it-in-a-year" test? If you can throw out this chair, who's to say that you can't throw me out too?
Marshall Eriksen: That could never happen!
Lily Aldrin: You're not a chair, you're our best friend!
Ted Mosby: You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.
Marshall Eriksen: Buddy, I...
Ted Mosby: Look, I know I'm being crazy. I just... I just need a moment with this chair. You know, to say goodbye.
Marshall Eriksen: We'll give you two some space.
Narrator: Kids, you can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tightly you hold on, it's already gone.


"How I Met Your Mother: The Burning Beekeeper (#7.15)" (2012)
Ted Mosby: I'm not gonna let that guy push me around! I believe it was Sun Tzu who wrote "Never give up. Never surrender.".
Lily Aldrin: Shut up, Ted.
Ted Mosby: Okay.


"How I Met Your Mother: Little Minnesota (#4.11)" (2008)
Barney Stinson: [Lily catches him with Heather] Lily, before you say or do anything, there is something I need you to do.
Lily Aldrin: What?
Barney Stinson: [Pointing at the shirt Lily is standing on] Please step off. It's Prada.