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Quotes for
Coach Tugnut (Character)
from "Even Stevens" (1999)

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"Even Stevens: Luscious Lou (#1.16)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Sir, I was wondering... Could you put me on a sports team or something? Any team's fine.
Coach Tugnut: [lifts Louis up in the air] What do you weigh, Stevens? About 104-105?
Louis Stevens: Uh... uh... uh... That's a personal question, Coach.
Coach Tugnut: [lets him down] We need somebody in that weight class. Congratulations, Stevens... You just made the wrestling team.

Twitty: [Tugley lifts him up] Coach, I can't wrestle, I'm already on the basketball team.
Coach Tugnut: Yeah, I know. Just haven't seen you in a while. Thought I'd lift you up.
[walks away]
Louis Stevens: That was interesting.

Louis Stevens: Sir! Sir, ehm, if you don't mind, I would like to say something. Okay?
Coach Tugnut: No!
Louis Stevens: Thank you. Now, I'd just like to say first off what an honor it is to be on the wrestling team, and that although I've never got hit in the back by a folding chair, I'll try to make it look as "real" as possible.
Coach Tugnut: Stevens!
Louis Stevens: And I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou and Texas Joe Hot Dog.
Coach Tugnut: How about this one: The Kid Who Chaps My Rear End.
Louis Stevens: I don't know, Coach, it doesn't really sing. You got something else?

"Even Stevens: Stevens Genes (#1.2)" (2000)
Coach Tugnut: Remember, it's not whether you win or lose, as long as you come in first.

Coach Tugnut: I have bad news for you, boys. Spike Jurgens is off the track team. His GPA dropped bow a C.
Louis Stevens: [to Twitty] He's the only guy who needed a tutor for Wood Shop and still failed.

Coach Tugnut: You may not take this seriously, boy, but we all owe a debt and gratitude to your brother, the great Donnie Stevens. The boy... no... the man who still holds the state record for the hundred yard dash...
Louis Stevens: And the record in our house for the longest time spent in front of the mirror.
[Louis and Twitty laughs]
Coach Tugnut: Now that he's gone to high school, there's a huge void in our sports program...
Larry Beale: Donnie Stevens is over. It's my turn now.
Coach Tugnut: ...We need to find a man among you boys. A man who is willing to be all that he can be. Who can step up to the plate and carry on the winning tradition Donnie Stevens started here at Lawrence. If that man is out there... Coach Tugnut wants you.
[Louis and Twitty laughs again]
Coach Tugnut: And right face! Bow your heads. All of you!
[Tugnut takes off his hat and wears a sad expression. There is a big banner of Donnie up on the wall, doing different kind of sports. It says "I Play Because I can."]
Coach Tugnut: [sadly] Okay, everybody, out on the track. Go!

"Even Stevens: Easy Crier (#2.12)" (2001)
Coach Tugnut: [Louis arrives after bell rings] You're late, Stevens!
Louis Stevens: Or is it possible that everyone else on Earth is early?

Coach Tugnut: Oh, Stevens... You might wanna put some ice on those bruises.
Louis Stevens: Sir, I... I don't have any bruises.
Coach Tugnut: Not yet!

"Even Stevens: The Big Splash (#3.15)" (2002)
Coach Tugnut: [getting Louis ready for the swim meet] Y'know, Stevens, I'm glad you joined the team.
Louis Stevens: Really?
Coach Tugnut: Yeah, you don't stink so bad.
Louis Stevens: Thanks, Coach. Always an inspiration.

"Even Stevens: Influenza: The Musical (#2.21)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Oh, Tawny, please don't worry about it. I always find a way.
[burst into song]
Louis Stevens: I'm not strong, I'm not fast, when it comes to endurance, I just can't last! So I'll get out of gym, like I have in the past!
Alan Twitty: Like the time you wore that useful bodycast!
Louis Stevens: I always find a way!
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean: [chorus] He always finds a way!
Tawny Dean: No one can produce an excellent excuse like you!
Louis Stevens: What can I say?
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean: [chorus] He always finds a way!
Tawny Dean: A pathetic wheeze, a powerful sneeze...
[Louis coughs]
Alan Twitty: Like the time he fills your ears up with cottage cheese!
Louis Stevens: And said it was because of my sweat allergies! That one got me out of gym with ease.
Louis Stevens: I always find a way!
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Other Students: He always finds a way! He can easily create ways to abbreviate! His gym period stay.
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean: [chorus] He always finds a way! He always finds a way!
Coach Tugnut: [pops up from inside a locker] But not today!

"Even Stevens: The Kiss (#3.1)" (2002)
Coach Tugnut: First girlfriend?
Louis Stevens: Yep.
Coach Tugnut: Get ready for a lifetime of pain.