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Quotes for
Tom Gribalski (Character)
from "Even Stevens" (1999)

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The Even Stevens Movie (2003) (TV)
[Tom was singing "Blow the Man Down"]
Twitty: Tom! TOM! It's getting dark, and I'm getting seasick so I want a little less singing, and little more sailing, OKAY?
Tom Gribalski: Well, excuse me, Benedict Twitty! If you don't like a good sea shanty, maybe you should take the bus to Cadelona!

Louis: [pulls out second chair]
[to Tawny]
Louis: Come sit next to papa.
Tom Gribalski: I'll sit next to papa any time!

Tom Gribalski: The technology is amazing.
Twitty: It's your masterpiece!
Tawny Dean: Are you really gonna sit in this thing all summer?
Louis: Hold on, hold on! Don't call her a "thing!" She's my ultra-loungematic superchair.
[push a button so that an arm gives him a soda. He drinks of it]
Twitty: Sweet!
Louis: [belches] Watch this, watch this.
[pushing down another button so the machine quivers and gives him massage]
Louis: Like a thousand tiny fingers working all the right parts.
Tawny Dean: You've brought laziness to an art form.
[Louis pushes another button]
The Ultra-Loungematic Superchair: Thank-you. Taw-ny.

Twitty: Tom?
Tom Gribalski: Ahoy, mateys! What brings you landlubbers down to the salty brine?
Twitty: Speak English, please?
Tom Gribalski: Oh, excuse me... Whass'up...?

Twitty: Well, it's all our fault...
[Twitty stops guiltily. Tawny stare at him]
Twitty: Uh, all my fault... I set them up.
Tom Gribalski: I'm doubly appalled.
Tawny Dean: You could help us, Tom. And you could help Louis.
Tom Gribalski: Well, Louis is my friend... when it suits him. And I can accept that. What can I do?
Twitty: Can you sail this tub to Catalona?

"Even Stevens: A Very Scary Story (#2.13)" (2001)
Tom Gribalski: Let's make this quick, guys. I have to get my eyes examined.
Louis Stevens: Your eyes examin - Tom, how many fingers am I holding up?
Tom Gribalski: Two.
Louis Stevens: That's right, your eyes are fine.

Tom Gribalski: Greetings, fellas! What's the word?
Louis Stevens: The word is "tardy", Tom.

Tom Gribalski: [earlier, after his eye examination] I suddenly got quite the hang of the mood juice. It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.
Tawny Dean: [after her eye examination] Milk is not stupid, okay? It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.
Louis Stevens: Where have I heard that before.

Tom Gribalski: [earlier, after his eye examination] If something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives.
Tawny Dean: [earlier, after her eye examination] Do you realize that if something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives?
Alan Twitty: Milk is an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health, Louis.
Louis Stevens: Dude, if you guys start talking about my permanent record, I'm outta here.
Alan Twitty: Well, it does follow you for the rest of your life.

"Even Stevens: What'll Idol Do? (#1.4)" (2000)
Tom Gribalski: This may look like an ordinary picture frame, right? Happy family, on vacation. Louis' fly is open.

Tawny: Think it'll really work?
Tom Gribalski: Pssh. Ahahaha. I hope so.

Tom Gribalski: Hey, Tawny, you think I could set up surveillances in your house sometime?
Louis Stevens: Tawny doesn't have a home.
Tom Gribalski: Oh.
Louis Stevens: She lives on her bike. It's a long story, it's very tragic.

"Even Stevens: Stevens Manor (#3.18)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: Can you imagine skiing down those slopes with hot potatoes in your pockets?
Tom Gribalski: [Louis, Tawny and Twitty look at Tom suspiciously, as he tries to explain himself] To keep your hands warm.

Mrs. Culpepper: There's pulp in my orange juice. I don't like pulp in my orange juice.
Tom Gribalski: Well, maybe you've never given it a fair shake. Personally, I love the pulp. Gives my OJ that right-off-the-tree, fleshy taste. Mmmm, mmmm.
Mrs. Culpepper: I don't remember asking how you liked your juice... For the last time, just give me a glass of orange juice, sans pulp!
Tom Gribalski: Of course. 'Cause pulp's bad! Pulp's scary! Ooooh... Everybody, look out for the pulp!
Mrs. Culpepper: [after Louis takes Tom aside and reminds him to be nice to the guests] Forget the juice! I'm turning in early.
Tom Gribalski: [sarcastically] Oh, would you like me to check your room for pulp?

"Even Stevens: Leavin' Stevens (#3.22)" (2003)
Tom Gribalski: It's the last day we'll walk through these halls together. It's the last time we'll see you open your locker!
Louis Stevens: Tom, enough!
Tom Gribalski: It's the last time I'll hear you say: "Tom, enough!"

Louis Stevens: Now, listen, Tom. I'm entrusting you with this tape. Okay? So, if anybody else besides Tawny gets their hands on this, I will personally track you down and make you pay. You hear what I'm saying?
Tom Gribalski: Is that a threat, Louis?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, that's a threat.
Tom Gribalski: Oh... Okay. Well, I respond very well to threats, so consider this tape delivered.

"Even Stevens: Dirty Work (#3.14)" (2002)
Tawny Dean: Lumber-Lou, tell us again how you came up with the idea for the Lumberclub?
Louis Stevens: Sure thing, Lumber-Tawn! Well, 'bout two weeks ago, when these kids were much younger, everyone was signing for clubs. Anyone could get 218 dollars to form a club, as long as they had 50 signatures.
[on camp, to another student]
Louis Stevens: Why don't you sign these papers for a good cause?
[to the Lumberclub]
Louis Stevens: Once I had those signatures, I thought for myself: "What kinda club should I create?" Well, that's when I remembered my deep and loyale love for the pancake. Well, the pancake has always been the official food for the Lumberjacks.
Alan Twitty: I love that story.
Tawny Dean: Here's a little one for Jack, guys.
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski: Yeah.
[uniting their hands]
Tawny Dean, Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski: LUMBERJACK! Woah!
Ren Stevens: [in the background] I should've known you had something to do with this.

Ren Stevens: So, what exactly do you do?
Louis Stevens: Uh, the club? Oh! Pshh, all kind of stuff. Tons of stuff, to mention... I mean, we, uh... We talk about, you know... topics.
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: Topics!
Louis Stevens: Lumberjack topics. And Lumberjack Lore!
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: The Lore!
Alan Twitty: You gotta love the Lore!
Louis Stevens: A lot of Lores. Uh... We sing Lumberjack songs too, you know.
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: Songs!
Ren Stevens: Oh, songs!
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Ren Stevens: Oh, really?
Louis Stevens: Yep.
Ren Stevens: You know, I would love to hear one.
Louis Stevens: One of, uh... our songs?
Ren Stevens: Yeah!
Louis Stevens: Um... Twitty?
Alan Twitty: Uh... Yeah!
[sets his flute to his mouth. All the club members starts to sing with different lyrics and different tones]
Ren Stevens: Stop! That had to be the worst Lumberjack song I've ever, EVER heard.
Tom Gribalski: Sorry, I was a little bit off key there. I got some syrup down my throat.

"Even Stevens: Surf's Up (#3.20)" (2003)
Tom Gribalski: [Zack, Twitty and the surfing gang tear down Tom's sand castle in their rush to the water] Well, at least they left the turret.
[just then, Louis comes along and crushes it with his surfboard]

Tawny Dean: You really have a beautiful vision here, Tom.
Tom Gribalski: Uh, no, actually it's not my vision. This castle was designed by the great King Felipe for his beloved fiancée Sofia.
Tawny Dean: Oh, that's so romantic!
Tom Gribalski: Nah, not really. She disappeared shortly after the castle was completed and was never seen again. Felipe lived out the rest of his days in that empty castle. He was known as the Lonely King.
Tawny Dean: Oh, that's so sad.
Tom Gribalski: Nah, it's really more pathetic.

"Even Stevens: My Best Friend's Girlfriend (#3.3)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: [trying to climb a fence] Ut-oh, I think I just ripped my trousers.
Louis Stevens: Are you kidding me?
Tom Gribalski: I did. I have to go.

Louis Stevens: Look, Tom, I don't think this best friend deal's gonna work out. But hey, hey, it's not you, it's me.
Louis Stevens: No, it's you. I have to go.
Tom Gribalski: [after Louis is gone] I knew we rushed into this!

"Even Stevens: The Thomas Gribalski Affair (#2.18)" (2001)
Tom Gribalski: Wow! Fantastic. I've seen those kids, Mr. Stevens. Is that Mick Charmer, the Friendly Farmer?
Steve Stevens: No, Tom. Actually, this is Mick Stinker, the Town Drinker.

Tom Gribalski: Steve Stevens is a real deal!
Louis Stevens: Steve Stevens? Steve Steven... Isn't that my dad's name?

"Even Stevens: Model Principal (#3.19)" (2002)
Tawny Dean: Louis, I hope you're satisfied.
[Louis sees her sign and laughs]
Tawny Dean: I'm an eye-roller? This is completely demeaning.
Tom Gribalski: But not totally inaccurate.

Louis Stevens: [Louis tricks Principal Landau into leaving to take a job as magician on a cruise ship leaving from Finland] Landau, hey, I just wanted to wish you good luck in Helsinki, man.
Tawny Dean: Yeah, we're really gonna miss you.
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Tom Gribalski: NOT!... Did I just say that out loud?

"Even Stevens: Scrub Day (#1.9)" (2000)
Tom Gribalski: Only two more days until the most horrible humiliation we could ever imagine.
Louis Stevens: OK, let's say it is for real. I mean, what could they possibly do to us?
Tawny Dean: Well, my cousin said that when she went here, they TP'd every seventh grader from head to toe.
Alan Twitty: That's flagrant, man!
Tom Gribalski: In my other school, five guys held my head in a toilet, and then flushed it.
Alan Twitty: You got a swirlie. That's vile!
Tom Gribalski: Yes, but oddly refreshing.

"Even Stevens: In Ren We Trust (#3.21)" (2003)
Tom Gribalski: Guess we all kind of snapped.
Ruby Mendel: Yeah, look at us, chasing Ren like some greedy animals.
Alan Twitty: Yeah. Guess money can do that to you.
Louis Stevens: [uncharacteristically serious] You know what? It could've happened to anyone of us. You know?
[lets go of his serious face]
Louis Stevens: Good thing it happened to her, though! Right? Hah hah hah!
[high fives Twitty, and gets ready to do the same to Little Timmy, who doesn't respond to that]
Father O'Neil: I know you don't mean that, son.
Principal Conrad Wexler: Yeah, he does.

"Even Stevens: Raiders of the Lost Sausage (#3.7)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: You really did your homework on this one... Sacramento Kid!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, Tom, we're not doing nicknames right now.

"Even Stevens: The Big Splash (#3.15)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: [to Twitty and Tawny] You know, he's not just spreading water. He's spreading joy.

"Even Stevens: Ren-Gate (#2.19)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: I live to serve. I serve to live.

"Even Stevens: Boy on a Rock (#3.13)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: You know where Templeton Park is?
Tom Gribalski: You mean... TEMPTATION PARK...!
Louis Stevens: Why do they call it that?
Tom Gribalski: Dude! Only because it's the hottest make out spot in town! That's why they call it... TEMPTATION PARK...!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, I get it.

"Even Stevens: Hutch Boy (#3.10)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: I don't understand why people have to pick on other people. I'd like to live in a world where there was less picking, and more hugging.
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty: Yeah, right.

"Even Stevens: Sadie Hawkins Day (#2.14)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: [after Tawny walks out on him] What just happened?
Alan Twitty: I said 'play cool'.
Tom Gribalski: Yeah, and you played the fool!

"Even Stevens: Hardly Famous (#3.11)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Tawny, check it out! Be careful, grab at the base.
Tawny Dean: What is this?
Alan Twitty: It's a Gum Blum.
Tom Gribalski: Very sophisticated.
Louis Stevens: Thank you, Tom. See, it's a pain staking process, we had to get that stuff off the floor...
Alan Twitty: Yes.
Louis Stevens: From the bathroom stall...
Tawny Dean: Wait! This is used gum?
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty: Oh yeah!
Tawny Dean: Ew!
[give it over to Tom, who throws it in the air. Twitty catches it in the last second]
Alan Twitty: Oh, that was close. Tawny, are you trying to give me a heart attack? We put over a 150 man hours into this baby.
Louis Stevens: He's stressed out, give him the neck rub!
[to Tawny]
Louis Stevens: You savage!

"Even Stevens: Devil Mountain (#2.10)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: Tom Gribalski, you just won the District's Chess Championship! What are you gonna do now?
Tom Gribalski: I'm gonna go get my windbreaker.

"Even Stevens: The Kiss (#3.1)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: Louis, your honor has been broached. A real man would march up to that Mr Zack Estrada and box his ears.
Alan Twitty: Uh, Tom, a real man would never say "box his ears".

"Even Stevens: Battle of the Bands (#1.14)" (2000)
Tawny Dean: I feel like we're all just pawns in some kind of sick power struggle.
Tom Gribalski: I agree! Not that I'm not enjoying it.