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Principal Conrad Wexler
: Today, we're giving people eye exams. Donnie Stevens
: Oh, could you check mine? Because everytime I look into the sun, I squint.
: And your little penguin get-up... It's not gonna scare anybody. Louis Stevens
: [Donnie comes in
] Oh, really? NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAH! Donnie Stevens
: AAAAAAAHHH! PENGUIN!
[jumps over the stairs handrail and runs off
: Sorry we're late. Eileen Stevens
: It's kind of hard to see when you don't have your eyeballs.
: Will you give Uncle Donnie a kiss? Ooh-ooh... Hey, man, for no lips, you kiss pretty good!
: Zere iss my canard... I've been looking all over for my canard. Louis Stevens
: [to the duck, whom Louis has named Seymour
] Hey, don't worry about it, don't be scared. It's just a guy in a big hat looking for his canard. Ren Stevens
: Y'know, I hate to tell you this, but, uh, "canard" is French for duck. Louis Stevens
: So? Ren Stevens
: Seymour is going to be eaten for dinner. Chef Pierre
: [he calls his assistant to bring the knife
] Rodney... Louis Stevens
: No, no, you're not, no, I'm sorry, uh, you have a better chance of cookin' me, buddy. Chef Pierre
: Oh, zat can be arranged. Donnie Stevens
: Hey, lookit here, cheffie. Nobody's cookin' my brother or his duck.
: Good night, Ren. Ren Stevens
: Good night, Donnie. Donnie Stevens
: Good night, Mom. Eileen Stevens
: Good night, Louis. Louis Stevens
: Good night, Seymour.
[the duck quacks
: That's my little girl up there! Donnie
: I know, Dad, I'm her brother.
: Hold on. Okay, you know this is boring, and you just wanna go because you broke up with your stupid boyfriend and want to get away. Ren
: And you just wanna stay here and sit on your stupid chair. Donnie
: Do they have cable? Miles McDermott
: Son, the beauty of Mandelino is there is no modern convenience of any kind. Donnie
: Guys, this sounds kinda cool. I mean, I can run on the beach, get into football shape... Louis
: Donnie, come on! You can run here and get in shape here. Please. Eileen Stevens
: You know, Steve, this could be a wonderful family adventure. It could be everything we've been hoping for. Louis
: No, Mom, listen... Listen, here's an adventure: You can stay here at home and give me breakfast and do my laundry, and that'll be an adventure. Dad, come on! Dad, listen. Dad... CAN SOMEBODY PUT A STOP TO THE MADNESS, PLEASE!
: How could you steal all our food? Ren
: As usual, Donnie, you have everything backwards. Donnie
: ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID? Ren
: No. I am calling you a liar! Louis
: You guys had to get back at us, huh? Thank you! Beans
: But we got the evidence! How do you explain this, Louis? Louis
: You stole my food... AND MY SHIRT? Gimme that, you little worm-eating...! Ren
: Don't you talk to him like that! Louis
: What, is Beansy your little boyfriend now, Ren? Ren
: You don't have the right to talk! You caused all the trouble and you ate all the food! Eileen Stevens
: Okay, enough. Enough, kids. Stop. You kids shouldn't fight just because your father's trying to teach me a lesson. Steve
: And what would that be? Eileen Stevens
: Look, Steve, I know that you're upset since you've been out of work and that you are trying to prove to Ren and Beans that you can put food in their mouths. Steve
: What? Eileen Stevens
: But couldn't you leave a little something for us? Steve
: Don't twist this around! There wasn't a crumb of food left when we got up there! It's almost like you're trying to make me look bad! Eileen Stevens
: Now you are losing it. Steve
: DON'T TELL ME I'M LOSING IT! Eileen Stevens
: Don't you yell in front of my family! Steve
: IT'S MY FAMILY TOO! Louis
: Hold on, hold on. Mom, we don't need them. We don't need them! We'll be fine on our own, thank you. Ren
: Oh, really? Well, you can sleep out in the rain tonight! Louis
: WE CAN AND WE WILL!
: In a stunning and dramatic reversal, a recount has snatched victory away from state senator Eileen Stevens, and by a scant 17 votes, has given the vacant congressional seat to Charles Nuck. Louis Stevens
: My tape! Ren Stevens
: My friends! Steve Stevens
: My job! Donnie Stevens
: My coach! Eileen Stevens
: My seat!
: [standing with her family, speaking to the press
] I just look forward to being your voice in Congress. And my family and I will be moving to Washington immediately, so you can rest assured that I will be on the job, 24/7. Louis Stevens
: We're moving to Washington? Ren Stevens
: Hello! Mom's in Congress now. Congress is in Washington. Donnie Stevens
: Since when?
Dr. Henri LaGrange
: Hello! I'm Dr. Henri LeGrand. And welcome to "Look Smart - Be Smart!". The video that teaches you to appear intelligent. Donnie Stevens
: Needo! Dr. Henri LaGrange
: Are you tired of being an airhead? Donnie Stevens
: Totally. Dr. Henri LaGrange
: Do you want to be respected for your brain? Donnie Stevens
: Yes. Dr. Henri LaGrange
: Are you talking to the television right now? Donnie Stevens
: You were right about Cynthia. You know, that was very insightful of you. Donnie Stevens
: [laughs nervously
] That's like smart, right? Ren Stevens
: Oh, very much.
: You're knocking the stuffing out of my mattress! Donnie Stevens
: We're trying to, baby!
: Beans, get out of here. Beans
: Say that again, and I'm out!
: I have no idea what's going on here. I'm gonna go in the kitchen where the world makes sense.
: Hey Ren? Jewel's on the phone. Ren Stevens
: I told you to hold my calls. Donnie
: She is on hold. Duh.
: Is anyone listening here? We have a problem! Does this kid expect us to support him every time he comes up with a new scheme? Donnie Stevens
: Dad... You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. You just have to believe in Louis.
: You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. Just believe in Louis. You don't have to believe in what Louis... Steve Stevens
: I heard you the first time. Finish your eggs.
: Donnie. Are you still angry that Louis canceled the team practice? Donnie Stevens
: Who's Louis?
: [Louis runs a floor-waxer on the court during the Dingoes basketball practice
] Louis! Louis Stevens
: Yeah, bro? Donnie Stevens
: What are you doing here? Louis Stevens
: Oh, well, I'm helping out Gus, the Janitor. I always get bored during that odd hour between detention and dinner.
: Ren, hurry. My tummy has a... headache.
: You don't know how it's like to be related to somebody who's perfect at everything they do. Louis Stevens
: Actually, I do. Donnie Stevens
: Really? Louis Stevens
: Yeah. Donnie Stevens
: How do you deal with it? Louis Stevens
: Well, it's hard, but I think you gotta focus on your own good qualities, you know. Ren Stevens
: We don't have any. Donnie Stevens
: Ride! RID Silenti. Ride. Ren Stevens
: Right! Louis Stevens
: See? That's good. That's... yeah. Ren Stevens
: I can spit. REALLY far! Louis Stevens
: Woah! Donnie Stevens
: Yes. Ren Stevens
: Yeah, just like... Louis Stevens
: Yeah. And the fact that you guys care so much about each other, you know, that's good too. I mean, I wish my brother and sister cared about me as much as you care about each other.
: You're eight years old, right? Beans
: Yeah. So? Donnie Stevens
: Okay, so you must be crying at least once every day? Beans
: Half the time, I fake it.
: Ren, I remember you saying that if you could touch just one person, it would make it all worthwhile. Ren Stevens
: Really. Well, who did I touch?
[Eileen steps aside, which exposes Donnie crying
] Donnie Stevens
: [quoting a line from Ren's play which obviously has moved him
] 'When his eyes are open, when when his eyes are closed.' That's all the time!
: It's Mr. Pookie, he's back! Donnie Stevens
: I can't believe he found his way home!
: Do you wanna come to my date with me to translate? Nelson Minkler
: You want me to come to your date with you? But what if she says something, you know, personal? Donnie Stevens
: Uh... Well, you can still translate, just plug your ears.
: Are you kidding, Mr. Wexler? I had a foolish dream that somebody one day would name a bunch of fake rocks after me.
: [to Eileen and Steve
] It's Louis and Ren! I think they're getting along.
[in the rockumentary
] Donnie Stevens
: It was the sweetest thing. I mean, I wanted to hug them, but I didn't wanna ruin my hair.
: Hey, Nelson... Why do you want to learn how to fight? Nelson Minkler
: Well, because my mouth keeps writing checks my fists can't cash. Donnie Stevens
: What? Nelson Minkler
: I'm a hothead. Literally. Feel my head.
: Mrs. Stevens? This is your husband. Why don't you step outside and see what daddy bought? Donnie Stevens
: Please be convertible. Ren Stevens
: A red one with leather seats. Donnie Stevens
: Who cares, as long as it's not a...
[sees the car
] Donnie Stevens
: Mini... Ren Stevens
: We all wanted to tell you how we feel.
[breaks into song
] Eileen Stevens
: They'll be no award, you missed a day of school. Donnie Stevens
: You never should've gotten influenza. Steve Stevens
: It's just an award, it doesn't mean a thing. Louis Stevens
: [hops up onto the counter
] I think that we should sing another stanza!
[the family forms a chorus line
] Louis Stevens
, Steve Stevens
, Donnie Stevens
, Eileen Stevens
: It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award.
[song ends as Ren screams
: Are you right-handed or left-handed? Beans
: I don't know. Donnie Stevens
: Well, which one do you write with? Beans
: Whatever one that's closer to the pencil.
: [Ren is worried because the house is shaking
] Donnie, what is going on? Donnie Stevens
: Oh yeah, that's Louis's new band. Ren Stevens
: Lou has a band? He can barely play the radio.