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Quotes for
Steve Stevens (Character)
from "Even Stevens" (1999)

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"Even Stevens: Raiders of the Lost Sausage (#3.7)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Dad, it's not what you think!
Steve Stevens: Did you just dig a giant hole through our basement wall?
Louis Stevens: Well, yeah... may-maybe that part's what you think. But, hey! You don't know the part about the treasure.
Steve Stevens: Treasure?
Louis Stevens: Yeah!
Steve Stevens: This is just another one of your crazy, half-baked schemes.
Louis Stevens: No, no, no. No, it's not half-baked. It's fully-baked! I did research!

Mail Officer: Sorry, sir, our return policy is very specific.
Steve Stevens: What is it?
Mail Officer: No returns.

Steve Stevens: Is anyone listening here? We have a problem! Does this kid expect us to support him every time he comes up with a new scheme?
Donnie Stevens: Dad... You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. You just have to believe in Louis.

Donnie Stevens: You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. Just believe in Louis. You don't have to believe in what Louis...
Steve Stevens: I heard you the first time. Finish your eggs.

Louis Stevens: I had the Sausage in my hand, but I lost it!
Steve Stevens: Don't worry about it, son.
[Louis knocks his hands angrily at the table]
Steve Stevens: Hey! We got something better than that.
Louis Stevens: What's that?
Steve Stevens: I don't know. I was gonna make a joke, but not enough time has passed. Come on. I'll make you an omelette.
Louis Stevens: Do you know what's better than omelettes?
Steve Stevens: What?
Louis Stevens: Golden sausages.

[first lines]
[the doorbell rings as Steve answers the door]
Mail Officer: Delivery for Louis Stevens.
Steve Stevens: [sarcastically; as he signs for Louis' delivery] Oh, boy. What now? What is it?
Mail Officer: [gives Steve the leash to an emu] An emu.
Steve Stevens: What?
Steve Stevens: [to the mail officer; as the emu enters the house] Oh... no! Louis ordered an emu? Get outta here!
Mail Officer: I'm sorry, sir. But our return policy is very specific.
Steve Stevens: What is it?
Mail Officer: No returns. Have a nice day.
Steve Stevens: [to Steve; as she points over his shoulder] You might wanna stop that thing from eating your family.
[camera cuts to the emu eating the bottom left hand corner of a family portrait hanging on the wall next to the stairs]
Steve Stevens: [to the emu] Whoa! Stop it! Stop that! Bad bird! Bad bird!
Steve Stevens: [shouting; to Louis] LOUIS!

Steve Stevens: Louis, how come you're not at school?
Louis Stevens: Well, how come you're not at work?
[brief pause as both men chuckle to themselves]

The Even Stevens Movie (2003) (TV)
Steve: That's my little girl up there!
Donnie: I know, Dad, I'm her brother.

Steve: Stop it! Would the two of you get along for five minutes, please?
Louis: No!
Ren: No way!

Steve: Whoa, careful kids! You don't wanna break anything!
Ren: [evilly] Oh yes... I do.

Donnie: How could you steal all our food?
Ren: As usual, Donnie, you have everything backwards.
Ren: No. I am calling you a liar!
Louis: You guys had to get back at us, huh? Thank you!
Beans: But we got the evidence! How do you explain this, Louis?
Louis: You stole my food... AND MY SHIRT? Gimme that, you little worm-eating...!
Ren: Don't you talk to him like that!
Louis: What, is Beansy your little boyfriend now, Ren?
Ren: You don't have the right to talk! You caused all the trouble and you ate all the food!
Eileen Stevens: Okay, enough. Enough, kids. Stop. You kids shouldn't fight just because your father's trying to teach me a lesson.
Steve: And what would that be?
Eileen Stevens: Look, Steve, I know that you're upset since you've been out of work and that you are trying to prove to Ren and Beans that you can put food in their mouths.
Steve: What?
Eileen Stevens: But couldn't you leave a little something for us?
Steve: Don't twist this around! There wasn't a crumb of food left when we got up there! It's almost like you're trying to make me look bad!
Eileen Stevens: Now you are losing it.
Eileen Stevens: Don't you yell in front of my family!
Louis: Hold on, hold on. Mom, we don't need them. We don't need them! We'll be fine on our own, thank you.
Ren: Oh, really? Well, you can sleep out in the rain tonight!

"Even Stevens: Luscious Lou (#1.16)" (2000)
[Louis is wrestling a girl]
Steve Stevens: Take him down. Her down. Boy, girl, it doesn't matter. Take that person down.

Ren Stevens: Daddy, I know sending Louis to military school is a little harsh, but tough love is our only option.
Steve Stevens: We are not sending Louis to military school. Too expensive.

Steve Stevens: Ren! What are you doing up there?
Ren Stevens: Two words: Louis Stevens!
Steve Stevens: Okay, calm down, Ren! Let's not automatically assume that Louis built this... rathering genius contraption!
[Ren is holding a paper in her hand]
Steve Stevens: What's that?
[she shows it to him]
Steve Stevens: "Louis' homemade jungle traps." Call 555-Trap-Ren.

"Even Stevens: Uncle Chuck (#2.17)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: And where did you get that stupid hat?
Louis Stevens: What hat?
[Steve's head explodes]

Steve Stevens: Mrs. Stevens? This is your husband. Why don't you step outside and see what daddy bought?
Donnie Stevens: Please be convertible.
Ren Stevens: A red one with leather seats.
Donnie Stevens: Who cares, as long as it's not a...
[sees the car]
Donnie Stevens: Mini...
Ren Stevens: ...Van.

Steve Stevens: Uncle Chuck is not your father. I am.
Louis Stevens: Too bad.

"Even Stevens: Influenza: The Musical (#2.21)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: That was some sneeze, son, are you alright?
Louis Stevens: No, not really, I got a lot of... uh... lot of flim... ehm, you know... A lot of mucus... So I'm calling it "flucus."

Louis Stevens: So, am... Am I burning up, or...?
Steve Stevens: I don't know. I'm just resting my hand while I'm looking for something.

Eileen Stevens: We all wanted to tell you how we feel.
[breaks into song]
Eileen Stevens: They'll be no award, you missed a day of school.
Donnie Stevens: You never should've gotten influenza.
Steve Stevens: It's just an award, it doesn't mean a thing.
Louis Stevens: [hops up onto the counter] I think that we should sing another stanza!
[the family forms a chorus line]
Louis Stevens, Steve Stevens, Donnie Stevens, Eileen Stevens: It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award.
[song ends as Ren screams]

"Even Stevens: Leavin' Stevens (#3.22)" (2003)
Steve Stevens: This box weighs a ton!
Eileen Stevens: Why are there holes in it?
Beans: [bursts out of the box as Steve and Eileen scream] So I can breathe.
Steve Stevens: Beans, you are not coming to Washington with us.
Beans: Come on! You'll never know I'm there.
Steve Stevens: Out! Home!
Beans: Fine, but you're gonna miss me, though!

News Anchor: In a stunning and dramatic reversal, a recount has snatched victory away from state senator Eileen Stevens, and by a scant 17 votes, has given the vacant congressional seat to Charles Nuck.
Louis Stevens: My tape!
Ren Stevens: My friends!
Steve Stevens: My job!
Donnie Stevens: My coach!
Eileen Stevens: My seat!

"Even Stevens: Where in the World Is Pookie Stevens? (#3.2)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Dad, I gotta talk to you about my drum set.
Steve Stevens: You don't have a drum set!
Louis Stevens: Exactly. But I figured out a way to solve this problem.
Steve Stevens: And that would be...?
Louis Stevens: I'm gonna let you buy it for me.

Ren Stevens: I know I said I was growing up, but... I'm not, and I miss Mr. Pookie and I want him back!
Eileen Stevens: Oh, sweetheart...
Steve Stevens: Oh...
Eileen Stevens: Come here. We all miss Mr. Pookie.
Steve Stevens: Ren, I promise you that this family will do whatever it takes to get Mr. Pookie back. Isn't that right, Louis? Louis?
[Louis is back to sleep, snoring]

"Even Stevens: Boy on a Rock (#3.13)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: As a matter of fact, this probably is a good time as any tell you... I signed up as a parent volunteer at your school!
Ren Stevens: What! Why?
Louis Stevens: Are we being punished for something?

Louis Stevens: You're not gonna embarrass us, are you, Dad?
Steve Stevens: Well, that's probably unavoidable.

"Even Stevens: Family Picnic (#1.8)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: I came to tell you that I can't.
Steve Stevens: Can't what?
Louis Stevens: Can't, uh... can't, uh... can't, uh... Wait! Can't wait to win the race tomorrow! Yeah!

Steve Stevens: [at the family picnic, Louis is in an event where all the other kids are toddlers] How do you feel, son?
Louis Stevens: Well, I kind of feel like - like I'm the only one in this race that knows their time tables.

"Even Stevens: Stevens Manor (#3.18)" (2002)
[last lines]
Steve Stevens: Honey, whose turn is it to scream?
Eileen Stevens: Yours.
Steve Stevens: [yelling at the top of his lungs] REN! LOUIS!

"Even Stevens: Wombat Wuv (#2.16)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: I got breakfast spirit, yes I do! I got breakfast spirit, how about you?
Steve Stevens: I got breakfast spirit... Honey, come here for a second.
Ren Stevens: What? What? What? What?
Steve Stevens: Sit down.
Ren Stevens: Sit down! Sit down! Sit down, sit down, sit down!

"Even Stevens: Tight End in Traction (#2.20)" (2002)
Beans: How was Chicago?
Steve Stevens: Windy.

"Even Stevens: What'll Idol Do? (#1.4)" (2000)
[Louis believes someone has stolen his video tape]
Louis Stevens: Oh, so it's going to be the "Louis, we have no idea what you're talking about" routine.
Steve Stevens: Louis. We have no idea what you're talking about.

"Even Stevens: Your Toast (#3.4)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: Lou, either you are gonna learn how to play those drums, or I will!
Eileen Stevens: Steve, that makes no sense.

"Even Stevens: The Thomas Gribalski Affair (#2.18)" (2001)
Tom Gribalski: Wow! Fantastic. I've seen those kids, Mr. Stevens. Is that Mick Charmer, the Friendly Farmer?
Steve Stevens: No, Tom. Actually, this is Mick Stinker, the Town Drinker.

"Even Stevens: Wild Child (#2.11)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: [Louis arrives late to a meeting with politician Eileen's new image consultant] Hey, guys, what'd I miss?
Eileen Stevens: What did you do to your hair?
Louis Stevens: [his hair appears to be full of leaves and tiny branches] My hair... Isn't it cool? It's my Science Fair project. I planted seeds and now I'm growing vegetables. Look right here, look, look, look: this is radishes, this row, right, and this is carrots.
Louis Stevens: [he turns to the image consultant] You like sweet potatoes?
Steve Stevens: Louis! You are not walking around with a vegetable garden on your head while your mother is running for Secretary of State.

"Even Stevens: Get a Job (#1.17)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: Louis, get a job.
Louis Stevens: How am I supposed to do that?
Steve Stevens: I don't know, ask Ren. She does volunteer work for that new website that helps teenagers find jobs.
Louis Stevens: What doesn't that girl do.

"Even Stevens: Stevens Genes (#1.2)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: So, the next thing I know, they're putting me on the track team.
Steve Stevens: The only times I've seen you run fast, is to the dinner table.

"Even Stevens: Hutch Boy (#3.10)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: Beans, go home. You're creeping me out.

"Even Stevens: Devil Mountain (#2.10)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: [looking at the birds] I guess Miss Nuthatch is looking for a mate!
Ren Stevens: [looking at Bobby and Mandy] Yep. That's what she's doing, alrighty.

"Even Stevens: Duck Soup (#2.3)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: Good night, Ren.
Ren Stevens: Good night, Donnie.
Donnie Stevens: Good night, Mom.
Eileen Stevens: Good night, Louis.
Louis Stevens: Good night, Seymour.
[the duck quacks]

"Even Stevens: Gutter Queen (#2.22)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: Oh, Ren, I didn't get a chance to talk to you. How was mother-daughter bowling night?
Ren Stevens: Well, Mom can't bowl to save her life.
Steve Stevens: Yeah, sorry to hear that. Oh, uhm... Why is there an English man doing laundry in our home?
Ren Stevens: Oh, Chives? He works for Louis.
Steve Stevens: Oh?
Ren Stevens: Yeah...