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Quotes for
Ren Stevens (Character)
from "Even Stevens" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Even Stevens Movie (2003) (TV)
Ren: We're tired, we're hungry, and we just got attacked by a killer squirrel!

Ren: Well, you can sleep in the rain tonight!
Louis: We can... and we will!

Ren: This would be such a great moment if this syrup wasn't so thick!

Gil: Ren, are you upset?
Ren: You dump me in a pancake house, and you wonder if I'm upset?

Steve: Stop it! Would the two of you get along for five minutes, please?
Louis: No!
Ren: No way!

Louis: So, you say bye to Jason?
Ren: Yeah, for now. Hey... thank you. This time you didn't ruin things so bad.

Steve: Whoa, careful kids! You don't wanna break anything!
Ren: [evilly] Oh yes... I do.

Mootai: Your mother and brothers are feasting as we speak.
Ren: Feasting?
Mootai: It's like eating, but with bigger plates.

Miles McDermott: [as Ren is chasing Louis through the forest with a spear, on camera] Don't worry. She wouldn't hurt him.
Ren: I'm gonna hurt you, Louis!

Ren: [about to shove Louis over a cliff] I cannot tell you how long I have waited for this day...

Louis: Hold on. Okay, you know this is boring, and you just wanna go because you broke up with your stupid boyfriend and want to get away.
Ren: And you just wanna stay here and sit on your stupid chair.
Donnie: Do they have cable?
Miles McDermott: Son, the beauty of Mandelino is there is no modern convenience of any kind.
Donnie: Guys, this sounds kinda cool. I mean, I can run on the beach, get into football shape...
Louis: Donnie, come on! You can run here and get in shape here. Please.
Eileen Stevens: You know, Steve, this could be a wonderful family adventure. It could be everything we've been hoping for.
Louis: No, Mom, listen... Listen, here's an adventure: You can stay here at home and give me breakfast and do my laundry, and that'll be an adventure. Dad, come on! Dad, listen. Dad... CAN SOMEBODY PUT A STOP TO THE MADNESS, PLEASE!

Donnie: How could you steal all our food?
Ren: As usual, Donnie, you have everything backwards.
Ren: No. I am calling you a liar!
Louis: You guys had to get back at us, huh? Thank you!
Beans: But we got the evidence! How do you explain this, Louis?
Louis: You stole my food... AND MY SHIRT? Gimme that, you little worm-eating...!
Ren: Don't you talk to him like that!
Louis: What, is Beansy your little boyfriend now, Ren?
Ren: You don't have the right to talk! You caused all the trouble and you ate all the food!
Eileen Stevens: Okay, enough. Enough, kids. Stop. You kids shouldn't fight just because your father's trying to teach me a lesson.
Steve: And what would that be?
Eileen Stevens: Look, Steve, I know that you're upset since you've been out of work and that you are trying to prove to Ren and Beans that you can put food in their mouths.
Steve: What?
Eileen Stevens: But couldn't you leave a little something for us?
Steve: Don't twist this around! There wasn't a crumb of food left when we got up there! It's almost like you're trying to make me look bad!
Eileen Stevens: Now you are losing it.
Eileen Stevens: Don't you yell in front of my family!
Louis: Hold on, hold on. Mom, we don't need them. We don't need them! We'll be fine on our own, thank you.
Ren: Oh, really? Well, you can sleep out in the rain tonight!

"Even Stevens: Foodzilla (#1.7)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Please?
Ren Stevens: No.
Louis Stevens: Please?
Ren Stevens: No!
Louis Stevens: Pleeeease?
Ren Stevens: Okay.
Louis Stevens: Really?
Ren Stevens: NO!

Ren Stevens: Thank you, Artie, for that insightful story. Now, let's go live to the cafeteria, for Louis Stevens' special report.
Louis Stevens: Thank you, Ren. Now, we've all been in the cafeterial line. But what do we really know about the people who cook and serve the so called food we eat?

Louis Stevens: What about him?
Ren Stevens: Mr. Gordon.
Louis Stevens: Right. Mr. Gordon.
Ren Stevens: Well, I suppose you could trash him. You get it? Trash? He's the custodian!
[Ren laughs at her own joke, Louis does not]
Louis Stevens: Ren?
Ren Stevens: Huh?
Louis Stevens: I'll do the comedy.

Eileen Stevens: How was the show?
Ren Stevens: [sadly] Great.
Louis Stevens: [unenthusiastically] Everybody loved it.
Eileen Stevens: Wow! I'd hate to see what you two looked like if it bombed!

Ren Stevens: You are a horrible little person!
Louis Stevens: Thank you.
Ren Stevens: You're welcome.

"Even Stevens: Devil Mountain (#2.10)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: [looking at the birds] I guess Miss Nuthatch is looking for a mate!
Ren Stevens: [looking at Bobby and Mandy] Yep. That's what she's doing, alrighty.

Ren Stevens: All right. I'm not lost, I'm not lost, I'm not lost, I'm not lost... I think I'm lost.

Ren Stevens: [after falling down thirty feet] I think I broke a nail!

Nelson Minkler: [Ren's Dad is coming to school to lecture about nature] I didn't know your Dad was into birds and everything.
Ren Stevens: Are you kidding me, Nelson? My Dad is practically Mr Outdoors.
Nelson Minkler: Well, if my Dad was on his way here, I'd be getting an embarrassment rash in places I'm too embarrassed to tell you about.
Ren Stevens: Well, for your information, Nelson, my Dad's not coming here to embarrass me. He happens to be one of the area's foremost authorities on the Dickcissel.
Nelson Minkler: [he's barely able to contain his laughter, then gets mock-serious] I'm sure the lecture will go very well.

Eileen Stevens: [unloading groceries in the kitchen] Why do I have all this pizza? Louis...
Louis Stevens: Yes?
Eileen Stevens: When you knocked over that pyramid of beef stew cans, was that to distract me while they rang up a hundred and fifty dollars worth of frozen pizza?
Ren Stevens: OK, I could have gotten my hiking boots.
Louis Stevens: Sorry, sis. Listen. I'm on a four-slice-a-day habit, all right? Just, let's preheat the oven to four-fifty, and discuss this in a calm and reasonable manner.

"Even Stevens: Where in the World Is Pookie Stevens? (#3.2)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: Why didn't you tell me you found Mr. Pookie?
Louis Stevens: Because, you know, you get all screamy, and mushy, jumping, crying, hugging... it's just horrible.
Ren Stevens: All right.
[Hands Louis drumsticks]
Louis Stevens: Ren, what am I supposed to do with the drumsticks? REN?
[Walks into family room where he sees a drum set]
Louis Stevens: [Drops backpack] Oh... Thank you so much ma.
[Starts jumping, screaming, and crying while hugging the family]
Ren Stevens: Thanks for not getting mushy.

Ruby Mendel: So, Scott, what's the deal with you and Sandy Smithers?
Scott Brooks: We broke up two weeks ago.
[Ruby kicks Ren in the foot]
Ren Stevens: Ow! Uh, that's gotta hurt!

Ren Stevens: I know I said I was growing up, but... I'm not, and I miss Mr. Pookie and I want him back!
Eileen Stevens: Oh, sweetheart...
Steve Stevens: Oh...
Eileen Stevens: Come here. We all miss Mr. Pookie.
Steve Stevens: Ren, I promise you that this family will do whatever it takes to get Mr. Pookie back. Isn't that right, Louis? Louis?
[Louis is back to sleep, snoring]

Ren Stevens: It's Mr. Pookie, he's back!
Donnie Stevens: I can't believe he found his way home!

"Even Stevens: Get a Job (#1.17)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: What is your career goal?
Louis Stevens: I wanna be one of those guys that rides a motorcycle in the Globe of Doom at that Vegas show!
Ren Stevens: I knew that, actually.

Ren Stevens: [at job applying interview] Okay... Where do you see yourself in five years?
Louis Stevens: I hope I've moved up to Donnie's room.

Ren Stevens: Have you taken these dogs for a W-A-L-K?
[all the dogs barks]
Louis Stevens: Why did you have to remind them?

Louis Stevens: Well, that's the last of them.
Ren Stevens: Well, I hate to admit it, but I think you did a pretty good job. You know, except for the part of massive destruction of our house.

"Even Stevens: A Weak First Week (#1.21)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: Oh, great! See what you did? Now we're stuck!
Louis Stevens: We're not stuck.
Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to inform you, but you're stuck!

Ren Stevens: How long are we gonna be up here?
Louis Stevens: Relax, enjoy the view, Ren. I mean, we've got cotton candy, we've got soda...
[a bird flies over them and takes the candy]
Louis Stevens: We've got soda.

Ren Stevens: [at the last minute, Louis changes the TelePrompTer script for Ren's election speech] It was Sir Francis Bacon who said that knowledge is the ultimate power, but Bacon never experienced the power of Larry Beale's body odor.
[the audience laughs, and Ren pauses, realizing that something is wrong, but it's too late]
Tawny Dean: Keep reading.
Ren Stevens: [laughs nervously] It's true! In fact, last week a realtor told Larry's parents that his b.o. was so bad it was affecting the resale value of their house.
[the audience laughs again]
Ren Stevens: But it's really not my style to personally attack my opponent, so if you'll turn your attention to the easel at my right, I'd like to talk about the cafeteria food, and the ill affects of poor nutrition.
[shows a picture of a sumo wrestler with Larry Beale's head. Everybody laughs, even the principal]
Ren Stevens: Larry Beale's G.P.A. has been dropping, well, since the third grade!
[Louis and Tawny laugh loudly from backstage, as does the audience in the front]
Ren Stevens: Question: do I want an irresponsible student policy monitor? I didn't think so!
[the audience claps ecstatically]

Ren Stevens: Junior High was great until you got there; now it's a nightmare.
Louis Stevens: [annoyed] Oh yeah? Well, being your brother is about as much fun as sucking spaghetti through your nose. Sure, you can do it, but when that meatball gets lodged...

"Even Stevens: Influenza: The Musical (#2.21)" (2002)
Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates: Sixth period!
Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates: Sixth period!
Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates: Sixth period!

Louis Stevens: So Mom and Dad made you come to school too, huh?
Ren Stevens: No. I begged them to let me go, and I still had to sneak out.
Louis Stevens: Oh, really? I like that, Ren. Twitty, take a note. Every time I'm dealing with my parents, do everything backwards.
Tawny Dean: It's called reverse psychology. Actually, it's very effective.
Louis Stevens: Hm.

Ren Stevens: I don't wanna psych anyone out, I just really like school.
Louis Stevens: Oh, I really like school too, except for the classrooms, teachers and tests.
Tawny Dean: Oh, like Coach Tugnut's physical endurance exam.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, exactly. Like that. You know, I'll never take that test.
Ren Stevens: How are you gonna get out of it?
Louis Stevens: Ehm... Uh... Well, I... eh, right now, I'm not, uh, in liberty to say.
Ren Stevens: What does that mean?
Alan Twitty: Uh... That just means he hasn't figured it out yet.

Louis Stevens: [singing] I brought you soup! Delicious chicken soup!
Ren Stevens: NOOOOOOOO!

"Even Stevens: (#1.1)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: It's like my dad always says: "Good, better, best. Never stop to rest till the good is better and the better best!"
Counceller: Uh-huh...

Louis Stevens: Oh, hi, Ren. Could I ask you something?
Ren Stevens: You just did! Bye.

Ren Stevens: How could you! I have a reputation at school. How am I supposed to show my face there again? Hm?
Louis Stevens: May I suggest plastic surgery?

Ren Stevens: Louis! I'm going to twist you into a pretzel, break you into crumbs and feed you to the birds!

"Even Stevens: Battle of the Bands (#1.14)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: Are you trying to bring down our house?
Louis Stevens: That's the idea, Ren!

Jason Bagwell: The vocal quality is fair, but Ren... You're trying so hard to impress me it's almost pathetic!
Louis Stevens: Wait a second. My sister doesn't have to impress anybody, and she might be a bossy, overachieving bathroom hog, but my sister is a great singer.
Tawny Dean: Who wants to play at your lame party anyways?
Jason Bagwell: Well, obviously not the Louis Stevens Experience. You got straight zeros! And Louis! What kind of a doofus are you? That's... that's not a band, that's a fire hazard!
Ren Stevens: Back up! The only person that's allowed to call my brother a doofus, is me!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, that's right, bad boy! And if I'm a doofus, I wanna hear it from her.
Ren Stevens: You might look good on the beach, but in reality you're just a pompous, egotistical jerk.
Jason Bagwell: I never went to the beach with you.
Ren Stevens: And you never will!
Jason Bagwell: I'm outta here.
Ren Stevens: You know, I can't believe I almost had a crush on that guy?
Louis Stevens: Pfff. Almost?

Ren Stevens: [Ren is worried because the house is shaking] Donnie, what is going on?
Donnie Stevens: Oh yeah, that's Louis's new band.
Ren Stevens: Lou has a band? He can barely play the radio.

Ren Stevens: [Ren finds Louis in the kitchen making sandwiches] Turkey and peanut butter!
Louis Stevens: When life deals you a hard hand, there's nothin' like a big stack of "gooey gobblers".

"Even Stevens: What'll Idol Do? (#1.4)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: May I please have permission to FedEx Louis to Timbuktu before June-Marie gets here?
Eileen Stevens: Absolutely not. UPS is so much cheaper.

Donnie: Hey Ren? Jewel's on the phone.
Ren Stevens: I told you to hold my calls.
Donnie: She is on hold. Duh.

June Marie: Great room. Clean. Good attention to feng shui. But do you know what I like most about it? It reminds me of my own room.
Ren Stevens: That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

"Even Stevens: Luscious Lou (#1.16)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: Daddy, I know sending Louis to military school is a little harsh, but tough love is our only option.
Steve Stevens: We are not sending Louis to military school. Too expensive.

Steve Stevens: Ren! What are you doing up there?
Ren Stevens: Two words: Louis Stevens!
Steve Stevens: Okay, calm down, Ren! Let's not automatically assume that Louis built this... rathering genius contraption!
[Ren is holding a paper in her hand]
Steve Stevens: What's that?
[she shows it to him]
Steve Stevens: "Louis' homemade jungle traps." Call 555-Trap-Ren.

Ren Stevens: You're an evil genius!
Louis Stevens: Thank you.

"Even Stevens: A Very Scary Story (#2.13)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: [watching a horror movie] What? Honey, you're chased by six mutants, and you just decided to take a shower?

Ren Stevens: [to Louis] This why I hate this holiday! Because it gives jerks like you an excuse to be jerks like you!

Ren Stevens: And your little penguin get-up... It's not gonna scare anybody.
Louis Stevens: [Donnie comes in] Oh, really? NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAH!
[jumps over the stairs handrail and runs off]

"Even Stevens: Secret World of Girls (#2.5)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: Twitty.
Alan Twitty: Hello, Ren, I'm here to pick up Louis and take him back to my house, where we spend the night safely away from you.
Louis Stevens: Oh, hello, Alan. Are you here to pick me up, bring me back to your house, where we spend the night safely away from Ren?

Ren Stevens: Open the pack.
Louis Stevens: There is nothing in my pack, except from toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies!
Ren Stevens: Or, it could possibly be a rolled up newspaper just to make me think that you're gonna go over to his house to sleep over, and then come back here to ruin my party!
Louis Stevens: Ren, that is crazy talk. Ren!
Ren Stevens: Let's just see about that, shall we?
[takes the pack from Louis and pulls out the content]
Ren Stevens: What is this?
Louis Stevens: A toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies.

Ren Stevens: Oh, oh, what's that, little brother? You want another facial, huh?
[Louise protests]
Ren Stevens: Yes you do, yes you do! Coming right up!

"Even Stevens: Stevens Manor (#3.18)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: It's almost 12 o'clock! They're all gonna want their money back.
Ren Stevens: I know. Unless they don't know it's midnight.
Louis Stevens: Unless they don't know it's midnight... Oh, I see where you're going! I see where you're going!
[starts to laugh, as does Ren, Twitty, Tawny and Tom. After a while, they suddenly stops]
Louis Stevens: Yeah, I don't really know where you're going with this.

Ren Stevens: [meeting the gorgeous Kitna twins, Ren tries seduction on them] Y'know, if you guys are lookin' for some fun, I have a bunch of board games downstairs in the closet.
Ren Stevens: [they go downstairs and play 'The Organ Donor Game'] Ooooh, you landed on my kidney. That's gonna cost you.
Ren Stevens: [the doorbell rings] Oh, I'll get that. And I will be back, so no cheating, and, uh, hands off my pancreas.

"Even Stevens: Leavin' Stevens (#3.22)" (2003)
News Anchor: In a stunning and dramatic reversal, a recount has snatched victory away from state senator Eileen Stevens, and by a scant 17 votes, has given the vacant congressional seat to Charles Nuck.
Louis Stevens: My tape!
Ren Stevens: My friends!
Steve Stevens: My job!
Donnie Stevens: My coach!
Eileen Stevens: My seat!

Eileen Stevens: [standing with her family, speaking to the press] I just look forward to being your voice in Congress. And my family and I will be moving to Washington immediately, so you can rest assured that I will be on the job, 24/7.
Louis Stevens: We're moving to Washington?
Ren Stevens: Hello! Mom's in Congress now. Congress is in Washington.
Donnie Stevens: Since when?

"Even Stevens: Deep Chocolate (#1.12)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: I thought I had it in my front pocket.
Ren Stevens: You do. Your pants are on backwards!
[Eileen and Steve looks at her]
Ren Stevens: Which is a really styling look for you.

Louis Stevens: Go ahead, call me any name you want.
Ren Stevens: Louis, ask me that in 17 hours!

"Even Stevens: Starstruck (#2.1)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: Ruby, there's fan, and then there's fanatic.

Nelson Minkler: Louis! You look different. What happened to you?
Ren Stevens: Louis, you actually look... What's the word I'm looking for?
Louis Stevens: Stunning?
Ren Stevens: Yes!
Nelson Minkler: Yeah.

"Even Stevens: In Ren We Trust (#3.21)" (2003)
Ren Stevens: Louis! I should have figured. You could have taken our heads off!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, that'd be cool.

Ruby Mendel: It's empty.
Ren Stevens: Yeah. Unfortunately somebody claimed the money this morning.
Louis Stevens: It's claimed?
Alan Twitty: Is there any reward?
Ruby Mendel: Oh, sure, we get to keep the case.
Louis Stevens: Well! Hey, let's split it up, then! Right? Okay, we're gonna start...
[everybody laughs]

"Even Stevens: Dirty Work (#3.14)" (2002)
Tawny Dean: Lumber-Lou, tell us again how you came up with the idea for the Lumberclub?
Louis Stevens: Sure thing, Lumber-Tawn! Well, 'bout two weeks ago, when these kids were much younger, everyone was signing for clubs. Anyone could get 218 dollars to form a club, as long as they had 50 signatures.
[on camp, to another student]
Louis Stevens: Why don't you sign these papers for a good cause?
[to the Lumberclub]
Louis Stevens: Once I had those signatures, I thought for myself: "What kinda club should I create?" Well, that's when I remembered my deep and loyale love for the pancake. Well, the pancake has always been the official food for the Lumberjacks.
Alan Twitty: I love that story.
Tawny Dean: Here's a little one for Jack, guys.
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski: Yeah.
[uniting their hands]
Tawny Dean, Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski: LUMBERJACK! Woah!
Ren Stevens: [in the background] I should've known you had something to do with this.

Ren Stevens: So, what exactly do you do?
Louis Stevens: Uh, the club? Oh! Pshh, all kind of stuff. Tons of stuff, to mention... I mean, we, uh... We talk about, you know... topics.
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: Topics!
Louis Stevens: Lumberjack topics. And Lumberjack Lore!
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: The Lore!
Alan Twitty: You gotta love the Lore!
Louis Stevens: A lot of Lores. Uh... We sing Lumberjack songs too, you know.
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: Songs!
Ren Stevens: Oh, songs!
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Ren Stevens: Oh, really?
Louis Stevens: Yep.
Ren Stevens: You know, I would love to hear one.
Louis Stevens: One of, uh... our songs?
Ren Stevens: Yeah!
Louis Stevens: Um... Twitty?
Alan Twitty: Uh... Yeah!
[sets his flute to his mouth. All the club members starts to sing with different lyrics and different tones]
Ren Stevens: Stop! That had to be the worst Lumberjack song I've ever, EVER heard.
Tom Gribalski: Sorry, I was a little bit off key there. I got some syrup down my throat.

"Even Stevens: Sibling Rivalry (#2.15)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: You are the most infurating...
Louis Stevens: YOU'RE INFLURI... nate... turing!

Ren Stevens: Hey, Bobby.
Bobby Deaver: Hey.
Ren Stevens: Mandy.
Mandy Sanchez: Ren. I love your lipstick, that color look so well on your thin lips.
Ren Stevens: You know, I really wonder how it'd look like on a fat lip.

"Even Stevens: Secrets and Spies (#1.11)" (2000)
Eileen Stevens: Honey, I have great news! Councellor McKinsey is looking for an intern! Oh, I think you would be just perfect for this! He's expecting your call.
Ren Stevens: Oh, Mom, I'd love to, but my schedule is pretty busy right now.
Eileen Stevens: [looks at the only empty room in the calendar] No, honey, look... You have Tuesday from 4:30 to 6 available!

Ren Stevens: What are you doing?
Louis Stevens: Isis!
Ren Stevens: What did you call me?
Louis Stevens: I said: hi, sis!

"Even Stevens: Your Toast (#3.4)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: The only job I've ever had is a lemonade stand.
Ruby: There you go, extensive food related experience.

[Squrielli looks over Ren's resume]
Norman Squirelli: [to Ren] Impressive résumé.
Ren Stevens: Thank you.
[Squirelli crumples up Ren's résumé in front of her]
Norman Squirelli: [as he places a slice of toast into a toaster on his desk using tongs] You ever made toast before, Ren Stevens?
Ren Stevens: Um... sure. Every morning.
Norman Squirelli: I meant professionally.
Ren Stevens: Oh... um. Well, I had a lemonade stand once and I thought about serving toast. But um...
[the two are rudely interrupted when an employee burst into Norman's office grabbing a fresh bag of bread]
Norman Squirelli: Ren, forget everything that you *think* you know about making toast. Because we just don't *sell* toast. We sell a whole new world!
Norman Squirelli: [struggles to get out from behind his desk and eventually succeeds] We sell fun... and... and... energy... and... and the whole toast lifestyle!
[as the toast pops out of the toaster, Norman grabs a plate and quickly spins around as the slice of toast lands perfectly on the plate]
Ren Stevens: [amazed] Wow! You're really good!
Norman Squirelli: [as he puts the plate down] It's all about professionalism.

"Even Stevens: Band on the Roof (#3.5)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: [in the rockumentary] Louis had this idea of throwing a free concert. And free publicity is a great idea, in theory. But, uh, doing it on the school roof...
Principal Conrad Wexler: [in his office] Students on the roof? Strictly forbidden. Why do you ask?
Ren Stevens: Uhm, just double checking the list of forbidden things.
Principal Conrad Wexler: Tom, why are you filming this?

Ren Stevens: I have never been in so much trouble before. But it was worth it.
Louis Stevens: I'm giving her a lot of credit for stepping up. That was very cool. But don't tell her I...
Ren Stevens: ...said that. I would hate to admit that I actually had fun with Louis.

"Even Stevens: Close Encounters of the Beans Kind (#3.8)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: Louis, there's something weird going on with Beans.
Louis Stevens: You think?

Ren Stevens: Whatever it is, it's creeping me out.
Louis Stevens, Twitty: It's creeping m...
Louis Stevens: [pauses] That just creeped ME out.

"Even Stevens: Wild Child (#2.11)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: What are you making?
Louis Stevens: It's called the Eco-Bot 2000.
Ren Stevens: Oh! What does it do?
Louis Stevens: Well, I don't know yet, but it's got the coolest name!

Ren Stevens: I can't believe Louis is working so hard! I actually think he's got his act together. Now, if I say that enough, maybe I'll start to believe it.

"Even Stevens: Ren-Gate (#2.19)" (2002)
Principal Conrad Wexler: Ren, you are by far the best Student Administrative Assistant I've ever had.
Ren Stevens: Well, I'm the only one you've ever had, sir. I created the job.

Ren Stevens: [listing Principal Wexler's engagements for the day] You have... a fifth-period awards ceremony with the seventh grade spelling bee champ. The winning word: mnemonic.
[she pronounces it as "numonic"]
Ren Stevens: Here you go.
[she hands the list to Mr Wexler]
Principal Conrad Wexler: [worried] Oh. M-N-E-M-O-N-I-C. Tricky. I've got to think of a way to remember that.

"Even Stevens: Shutterbugged (#2.2)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have to stick to your principles.
Principal Wexler: Do not talk to a principal about principles.

Ren Stevens: Oh, hey, Louis! Noticing anything different?
[Louis looks unsure what to answer]
Ren Stevens: No braces...?
Louis Stevens: Oh, no bra... Right! Sorry, I was distracted by your cheeks.
Ren Stevens: Why would you be distracted by my cheeks?
Louis Stevens: Because it looks like you're smuggling meatballs from the cafeteria.
[holds up the locker mirror to her. Ren looks at it]
Ren Stevens: [upset] Oh my god, I look like a...
Louis Stevens: Blowfish.

"Even Stevens: After Hours (#1.13)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Ren... You said if I wanted to borrow something, I had to ask. Right? So, can I borrow your laptop?
Ren Stevens: [asleep] Mm.
Louis Stevens: Hmm. Are you sure?
Ren Stevens: M-mm.
Louis Stevens: Oh yeah? Thanks, Ren.

Louis Stevens: Oh, you must get this all the time, but you know who you look like? You look a lot like that Ren Stevens.
Ren Stevens: Louis...
Louis Stevens: Oh, this... This is unbelievable! You sound like her too!

"Even Stevens: Model Principal (#3.19)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: It's really... It's not gonna be the same without you, sir.

Louis Stevens: [Mr Landau is the new principal, and his method of discipline is to make students wear signs that highlight their faults] Ren, listen. Alright, look, you gotta do somethin' about this new guy, because he's drivin' me insane. All my friends, too.
Ren Stevens: Louis, Wexler's gone. Mr Landau has his own way of doing things.
Louis Stevens: Ren, you know what? If you're not gonna do it for me, at least do it for Lefkowitz. I mean, look at that. I mean, it's sad. It's getting personal now. That's not nice.
[Lefkowitz is wearing a sign that says, 'I am a crusty-eyed mouth breather']

"Even Stevens: Sadie Hawkins Day (#2.14)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: So, are you going to ask a certain someone?
Tawny Dean: No, I think I'm going to ask Louis.

Ren Stevens: [after Louis being thrown into the Pig Pen by Monique] Good job, Louis. You let the pig out.
Louis Stevens: No. No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

"Even Stevens: Snow Job (#3.17)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: I know how it feels to try and try something and just never get it right.
Louis Stevens: No, you don't! You don't understand. You're good at everything.
Ren Stevens: Thanks. But did you ever try pole vaulting?
Louis Stevens: Is... is that where they do the volleyball...?
Ren Stevens: No. It's where you stick the pole in the ground and hit yourself.

Coach Korns: [Ren has just injured the school's pole-vaulter, so she tries to convince the coach to let her take the vaulter's place] You think you can learn the most difficult sport in track and field in one week?
Ren Stevens: Coach, come on. I once made a complete diorama of Albert Einstein's study in thirty minutes.
Coach Korns: Ho,hoooo. Listen, honey, I dated Einstein! He could probably pole-vault higher than you!

"Even Stevens: Strictly Ballroom (#1.19)" (2001)
Ruby Mendel: Are you okay?
Ren Stevens: I'm jinxed!
Ruby Mendel: Ren, stop it! You're not jinxed.
Ren Stevens: Oh, yeah, I am.
Ruby Mendel: I told you, we're gonna clean you up, and you're gonna march out there and give it another shot!
Ren Stevens: No, we're not.
Ruby Mendel: Yes, you are.
Ren Stevens: No, we're not!
Ruby Mendel: Yes, you are!
Ren Stevens: NO, WE'RE NOT!
Ruby Mendel: WHY NOT?

Ren Stevens: It's really hard to like someone and not have them know how you feel.
Louis Stevens: Hm.
Ren Stevens: I know you can't relate to this now, but someday you will.
Louis Stevens: Well, you'd be surprised.

"Even Stevens: Duck Soup (#2.3)" (2001)
Chef Pierre: Zere iss my canard... I've been looking all over for my canard.
Louis Stevens: [to the duck, whom Louis has named Seymour] Hey, don't worry about it, don't be scared. It's just a guy in a big hat looking for his canard.
Ren Stevens: Y'know, I hate to tell you this, but, uh, "canard" is French for duck.
Louis Stevens: So?
Ren Stevens: Seymour is going to be eaten for dinner.
Chef Pierre: [he calls his assistant to bring the knife] Rodney...
Louis Stevens: No, no, you're not, no, I'm sorry, uh, you have a better chance of cookin' me, buddy.
Chef Pierre: Oh, zat can be arranged.
Donnie Stevens: Hey, lookit here, cheffie. Nobody's cookin' my brother or his duck.

Steve Stevens: Good night, Ren.
Ren Stevens: Good night, Donnie.
Donnie Stevens: Good night, Mom.
Eileen Stevens: Good night, Louis.
Louis Stevens: Good night, Seymour.
[the duck quacks]

"Even Stevens: Easy Way (#1.10)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: [enthusiastically] As this year's coordinator for the school wide fundraising drive for the Beacon of Help, I wanna encourage each and every one of you to get involved. As I look out upon my fellow students, I see your eager faces, faces unafraid of sweat and hard work.
[Louis is asleep]
Alan Twitty: Do you want me to wake him?
Ren Stevens: He's my brother. Let me do it.
[walks toward Louis, who is dreaming about himself surfing while he eats a banana, with a bird flying over him causing him to lose his balance]
Louis Stevens: Ahh... Ahh... Oh... oh! Oh!
Ren Stevens: [into his ear] Waaahh!
Ren Stevens: Aaaaaaaahhh!
[Louis wakes up]
Ren Stevens: I want names and I'm not afraid to tango!

Ren Stevens: As I was saying, this Saturday I want all of you here to jog, rollerblade, swim, paint fences, whatever you're gonna be doing, to get your friends and family to pledge generously. Now, remember: the more you work, the more you pledge. Any questions?
[Louis raises his hand]
Ren Stevens: Yes, Louis, you can go back to sleep now.
[Louis dumps his head on his bag and falls asleep]

"Even Stevens: Heck of a Hanukkah (#1.15)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: [gasps] My bed!
Louis Stevens: Oh! I'm sorry! Oh...
[pours the soda bottle]
Ren Stevens: My soda!
Louis Stevens: I'll clean it up.
[cleans up using the books]
Ren Stevens: My books!
Louis Stevens: Ah...
[overturns the board]
Ren Stevens: My board...
Louis Stevens: "Me, me, me..." That's all I ever get from you.

Donnie Stevens: You don't know how it's like to be related to somebody who's perfect at everything they do.
Louis Stevens: Actually, I do.
Donnie Stevens: Really?
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Donnie Stevens: How do you deal with it?
Louis Stevens: Well, it's hard, but I think you gotta focus on your own good qualities, you know.
Ren Stevens: We don't have any.
Donnie Stevens: Ride! RID Silenti. Ride.
Ren Stevens: Right!
Louis Stevens: See? That's good. That's... yeah.
Ren Stevens: I can spit. REALLY far!
Louis Stevens: Woah!
Donnie Stevens: Yes.
Ren Stevens: Yeah, just like...
Louis Stevens: Yeah. And the fact that you guys care so much about each other, you know, that's good too. I mean, I wish my brother and sister cared about me as much as you care about each other.

"Even Stevens: Louis in the Middle (#1.6)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: [speaking to the class] I say enough is enough with this food. Now, I'm your policy monitor. And I am here to serve you.
Larry Beale: In that case, can you bring me another piece of chocolate cake?

Louis Stevens: [impersonates Austin Powers] Groovy, baby. Yeah.
Ren Stevens: What are you doing?
Louis Stevens: Oh, this? Just trying out some new routines for my new crew.
Ren Stevens: Your new crew? Listen to you, with your overnight popularity... You're starting to sound like Larry Beale. Translation: Ew!
Louis Stevens: What's wrong with you?
Ren Stevens: I think I lost my mojo.
Louis Stevens: No. You never had a mojo.
Ren Stevens: You're probably right.
Louis Stevens: What? You're not gonna yell at me? Help! Dr. Evil has replaced my sister with some cheap, ugly robot!

"Even Stevens: Gutter Queen (#2.22)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: Oh, Ren, I didn't get a chance to talk to you. How was mother-daughter bowling night?
Ren Stevens: Well, Mom can't bowl to save her life.
Steve Stevens: Yeah, sorry to hear that. Oh, uhm... Why is there an English man doing laundry in our home?
Ren Stevens: Oh, Chives? He works for Louis.
Steve Stevens: Oh?
Ren Stevens: Yeah...

Eileen Stevens: Wasn't last night a blast?
Ren Stevens: [she has not yet told her mother than her bowling was atrocious] Oh... Kaboom!
Eileen Stevens: [shows Ren the new, monogrammed, pink bowling shirts she has bought for Ren - Pinky - and herself - Gutter Queen] We joined a mother-daughter bowling league. Isn't that great? Isn't that great, Ren? We can relive the fun we had last night, every single week!
Ren Stevens: [embarrassed] Uh... uh... Kaboom! Heh, heh, heh.

"Even Stevens: Scrub Day (#1.9)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: When I went through it, I thought the whole thing was disgusting and juvenile.
Louis Stevens: [relieved] Right. Right
Ren Stevens: But now that you're going through it, I just think it's a wonderful school tradition. Later, Scrub.

"Even Stevens: Wombat Wuv (#2.16)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: I got breakfast spirit, yes I do! I got breakfast spirit, how about you?
Steve Stevens: I got breakfast spirit... Honey, come here for a second.
Ren Stevens: What? What? What? What?
Steve Stevens: Sit down.
Ren Stevens: Sit down! Sit down! Sit down, sit down, sit down!

"Even Stevens: All About Yvette (#1.5)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Business, headquarters... Sounds like somebody's got a lot of responsibility, huh, Ren?
Ren Stevens: [unenthusiastic] Oh, yeah. Louis brought me a sweater. He's really responsible.
Louis Stevens: Stop it, Ren. Mom's gonna think I paid you to say that.
Eileen Stevens: Nice try, Louis, but you're still not babysitting alone.
Louis Stevens: Alone! Of course not. No! The kid'll be there. And Tawny will be there too, and she's 13, Mom. And two 13-year-olds is really like a 26-year old. And they're really responsible.

"Even Stevens: Broadcast Blues (#2.6)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: You were right about Cynthia. You know, that was very insightful of you.
Donnie Stevens: [laughs nervously] That's like smart, right?
Ren Stevens: Oh, very much.

"Even Stevens: Thin Ice (#2.7)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: No, no, no. You don't understand. See, my brother just discovered prank calling.
Bobby Deaver: Don't worry. I have a little brother too, he's in third grade.
Ren Stevens: Well, mine just acts like it.

"Even Stevens: Easy Crier (#2.12)" (2001)
Nelson Minkler: That was great, Ren, you nailed that dirtball Tugnut!
Ren Stevens: Nelson, we're still on the air.

"Even Stevens: Movie Madness (#1.18)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: [interrupting the filming] What is this disgusting slime doing in the refrigerator?
Louis Stevens: Cut! That's not slime, it's radioactive plasma!

"Even Stevens: Surf's Up (#3.20)" (2003)
Monique Taylor: There's going to be a lot of B-O-Y-S!
Ruby Mendel: And I hope they're C-U-T-E!
Ren Stevens: And I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-T!
[Monique and Ruby look at her]
Ren Stevens: That's intelligent. I thought we were spelling stuff.

"Even Stevens: Take My Sister... Please (#1.3)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: I was thinking about that time when we were little and all that stuff we used to do.
Ren Stevens: No.
Louis Stevens: Yeah. We were inseparable.
Ren Stevens: Oh, that's right, that's right. We shared a playpen, and you vomited on me.
Louis Stevens: Hm. Happy, happy times.

"Even Stevens: The Thomas Gribalski Affair (#2.18)" (2001)
Eileen Stevens: Repeat after me: I am the master of the bike.
Ren Stevens: [rolls her eyes] I am the master of the bike.
Eileen Stevens: And what are you going to do?
Ren Stevens: Well, I'm gonna ride the bike.
Eileen Stevens: Ren, say it like you mean it.
Ren Stevens: I'm gonna ride the bike.
Eileen Stevens: Louder!
Ren Stevens: I'm gonna ride the bike!
Eileen Stevens: I can't hear you.
Eileen Stevens: Not so loud, honey.

"Even Stevens: Stevens Genes (#1.2)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: Hi, Mr. Walsh. I was just handing in my most recent article. This one makes my piece on the dangers of chalk dust look like child's play.
Mr. Walsh: Great, 'cause I want you to cover something else for me.
Ren Stevens: What, where, when, why?
Mr. Walsh: You can ask those questions on Friday at the big rack meet.
Ren Stevens: Sports? Me?
Mr. Walsh: Ren, this assignment is an honor. Sports writing is a dignified aspect of journalism.
Ren Stevens: Nobody else wanted to do it?
Mr. Walsh: Exactly.

"Even Stevens: Boy on a Rock (#3.13)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: As a matter of fact, this probably is a good time as any tell you... I signed up as a parent volunteer at your school!
Ren Stevens: What! Why?
Louis Stevens: Are we being punished for something?

"Even Stevens: Uncle Chuck (#2.17)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: Mrs. Stevens? This is your husband. Why don't you step outside and see what daddy bought?
Donnie Stevens: Please be convertible.
Ren Stevens: A red one with leather seats.
Donnie Stevens: Who cares, as long as it's not a...
[sees the car]
Donnie Stevens: Mini...
Ren Stevens: ...Van.

"Even Stevens: Love and Basketball (#2.9)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: I would rather take the hip bump than the high five.
Eileen Stevens: Oh, you would?
[hip bumps Ren, who falls over the couch]
Ren Stevens: Okay... I'll take the high five.

"Even Stevens: Almost Perfect (#1.20)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: You've been my sister basically all my life, right?
Ren Stevens: That's just brilliant, Louis. What's your point?
Louis Stevens: Did you ever... Do you wanna be normal?
Ren Stevens: Normal? What do you mean, normal?
Louis Stevens: Well, you always try to be perfect and everything.
Ren Stevens: What's wrong with being perfect?
Louis Stevens: It's not normal.

"Even Stevens: Short Story (#3.9)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Water gun?
Ren Stevens: Squirting flower.
Louis Stevens: That amateur.

"Even Stevens: Quest for Coolness (#2.4)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: What are you doing here?
Louis Stevens: We're just trying to blend in.
Ren Stevens: [through gritted teeth] Blend in?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, security guard thinks we're the trouble makers.
Ren Stevens: Gosh, I wonder why.

"Even Stevens: Hardly Famous (#3.11)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: Uhm... You really stunk up there.
Louis Stevens: No, no, no! Not me. Tawny! Her audition was awesome.
Ren Stevens: Yeah, that's why she got accepted.
Louis Stevens: So she got accepted.
Ren Stevens: Mhm.
Louis Stevens: She got accepted?
Ren Stevens: Yeah, but she told me she wasn't going.
Louis Stevens: Why would she do that?
Ren Stevens: Louis... Take a wild guess.

"Even Stevens: The Kiss (#3.1)" (2002)
Eileen Stevens: Ren, I remember you saying that if you could touch just one person, it would make it all worthwhile.
Ren Stevens: Really. Well, who did I touch?
[Eileen steps aside, which exposes Donnie crying]
Donnie Stevens: [quoting a line from Ren's play which obviously has moved him] 'When his eyes are open, when when his eyes are closed.' That's all the time!