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Quotes for
Louis Stevens (Character)
from "Even Stevens" (2000)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Even Stevens Movie (2003) (TV)
Louis: Ren, I'm your brother, and I love messin' with you. But I would never do anything to hurt you.

Louis: This morning, I thought I saw a cheeseburger doing yoga!

Louis: You stole my food... and my shirt?

Ren: Well, you can sleep in the rain tonight!
Louis: We can... and we will!

[Beans farts in Louis's face]
Louis: Oh... mother of pearl, Beans! MOTHER OF PEARL! OH WOW!
Beans: Sorry! I'm a little gassy in the morning!

Steve: Stop it! Would the two of you get along for five minutes, please?
Louis: No!
Ren: No way!

[about the slug the tribal people offered the Stevens family to eat]
Miles McDermott: Havin' trouble gettin' it down, huh?
Louis: [spits slug out on Beans' head] I, uh... I generally try to avoid snacks that leave a trail of slime.

Louis: So, you say bye to Jason?
Ren: Yeah, for now. Hey... thank you. This time you didn't ruin things so bad.

[Louis has a remote control beach ball flying around the graduation]
Louis: Now time... for the confetti.
[Presses button]
Beans: Confetti? I thought you said...
[Beach ball full of spaghetti explodes]
Beans: ...Spaghetti!
Louis: Beans, your lack of listening skills have finally paid off!

Ren: [about to shove Louis over a cliff] I cannot tell you how long I have waited for this day...

Louis: [pulls out second chair]
[to Tawny]
Louis: Come sit next to papa.
Tom Gribalski: I'll sit next to papa any time!

Tom Gribalski: The technology is amazing.
Twitty: It's your masterpiece!
Tawny Dean: Are you really gonna sit in this thing all summer?
Louis: Hold on, hold on! Don't call her a "thing!" She's my ultra-loungematic superchair.
[push a button so that an arm gives him a soda. He drinks of it]
Twitty: Sweet!
Louis: [belches] Watch this, watch this.
[pushing down another button so the machine quivers and gives him massage]
Louis: Like a thousand tiny fingers working all the right parts.
Tawny Dean: You've brought laziness to an art form.
[Louis pushes another button]
The Ultra-Loungematic Superchair: Thank-you. Taw-ny.

Louis: Hold on. Okay, you know this is boring, and you just wanna go because you broke up with your stupid boyfriend and want to get away.
Ren: And you just wanna stay here and sit on your stupid chair.
Donnie: Do they have cable?
Miles McDermott: Son, the beauty of Mandelino is there is no modern convenience of any kind.
Donnie: Guys, this sounds kinda cool. I mean, I can run on the beach, get into football shape...
Louis: Donnie, come on! You can run here and get in shape here. Please.
Eileen Stevens: You know, Steve, this could be a wonderful family adventure. It could be everything we've been hoping for.
Louis: No, Mom, listen... Listen, here's an adventure: You can stay here at home and give me breakfast and do my laundry, and that'll be an adventure. Dad, come on! Dad, listen. Dad... CAN SOMEBODY PUT A STOP TO THE MADNESS, PLEASE!

Donnie: How could you steal all our food?
Ren: As usual, Donnie, you have everything backwards.
Ren: No. I am calling you a liar!
Louis: You guys had to get back at us, huh? Thank you!
Beans: But we got the evidence! How do you explain this, Louis?
Louis: You stole my food... AND MY SHIRT? Gimme that, you little worm-eating...!
Ren: Don't you talk to him like that!
Louis: What, is Beansy your little boyfriend now, Ren?
Ren: You don't have the right to talk! You caused all the trouble and you ate all the food!
Eileen Stevens: Okay, enough. Enough, kids. Stop. You kids shouldn't fight just because your father's trying to teach me a lesson.
Steve: And what would that be?
Eileen Stevens: Look, Steve, I know that you're upset since you've been out of work and that you are trying to prove to Ren and Beans that you can put food in their mouths.
Steve: What?
Eileen Stevens: But couldn't you leave a little something for us?
Steve: Don't twist this around! There wasn't a crumb of food left when we got up there! It's almost like you're trying to make me look bad!
Eileen Stevens: Now you are losing it.
Eileen Stevens: Don't you yell in front of my family!
Louis: Hold on, hold on. Mom, we don't need them. We don't need them! We'll be fine on our own, thank you.
Ren: Oh, really? Well, you can sleep out in the rain tonight!

Louis: [to Miles] Gotcha!

Louis: Wanna sit right here next to papa?
[Tawny looks at him, but then smiles and walks towards the plane]

"Even Stevens: Influenza: The Musical (#2.21)" (2002)
Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates: Sixth period!
Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates: Sixth period!
Ren Stevens, Louis Stevens, Classmates: Sixth period!

Steve Stevens: That was some sneeze, son, are you alright?
Louis Stevens: No, not really, I got a lot of... uh... lot of flim... ehm, you know... A lot of mucus... So I'm calling it "flucus."

Louis Stevens: So, am... Am I burning up, or...?
Steve Stevens: I don't know. I'm just resting my hand while I'm looking for something.

Louis Stevens: So Mom and Dad made you come to school too, huh?
Ren Stevens: No. I begged them to let me go, and I still had to sneak out.
Louis Stevens: Oh, really? I like that, Ren. Twitty, take a note. Every time I'm dealing with my parents, do everything backwards.
Tawny Dean: It's called reverse psychology. Actually, it's very effective.
Louis Stevens: Hm.

Ren Stevens: I don't wanna psych anyone out, I just really like school.
Louis Stevens: Oh, I really like school too, except for the classrooms, teachers and tests.
Tawny Dean: Oh, like Coach Tugnut's physical endurance exam.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, exactly. Like that. You know, I'll never take that test.
Ren Stevens: How are you gonna get out of it?
Louis Stevens: Ehm... Uh... Well, I... eh, right now, I'm not, uh, in liberty to say.
Ren Stevens: What does that mean?
Alan Twitty: Uh... That just means he hasn't figured it out yet.

Louis Stevens: Oh, Tawny, please don't worry about it. I always find a way.
[burst into song]
Louis Stevens: I'm not strong, I'm not fast, when it comes to endurance, I just can't last! So I'll get out of gym, like I have in the past!
Alan Twitty: Like the time you wore that useful bodycast!
Louis Stevens: I always find a way!
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean: [chorus] He always finds a way!
Tawny Dean: No one can produce an excellent excuse like you!
Louis Stevens: What can I say?
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean: [chorus] He always finds a way!
Tawny Dean: A pathetic wheeze, a powerful sneeze...
[Louis coughs]
Alan Twitty: Like the time he fills your ears up with cottage cheese!
Louis Stevens: And said it was because of my sweat allergies! That one got me out of gym with ease.
Louis Stevens: I always find a way!
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Other Students: He always finds a way! He can easily create ways to abbreviate! His gym period stay.
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean: [chorus] He always finds a way! He always finds a way!
Coach Tugnut: [pops up from inside a locker] But not today!

Louis Stevens: ['Tripped over dog'] Did it.
Louis Stevens: Did it.
['Couch-potato Ankles']
Louis Stevens: I did that twice!

Louis Stevens: [singing] I brought you soup! Delicious chicken soup!
Ren Stevens: NOOOOOOOO!

Eileen Stevens: We all wanted to tell you how we feel.
[breaks into song]
Eileen Stevens: They'll be no award, you missed a day of school.
Donnie Stevens: You never should've gotten influenza.
Steve Stevens: It's just an award, it doesn't mean a thing.
Louis Stevens: [hops up onto the counter] I think that we should sing another stanza!
[the family forms a chorus line]
Louis Stevens, Steve Stevens, Donnie Stevens, Eileen Stevens: It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award. It's just an award.
[song ends as Ren screams]

Louis Stevens: [after getting "green nose"] Mommy can I have my buttercup!

"Even Stevens: Louis in the Middle (#1.6)" (2000)
Tawny Dean: Twitty, don't worry. No one knows the real Louis better than I do. And deep down, he's classy, caring... and very, very intelligent.
Louis Stevens: [to Blake and Ivan] I LOVE YOU, GUYS!
Tawny Dean: I think I'm gonna keep an eye on him too.

Louis Stevens: Okay, now is the part where you tell me I'm your hero and you can kiss me.
Tawny Dean: Don't push it.

Twitty: Dude, we're friends.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, we are. I'm never gonna forget this.
[standing in the middle of Twitty and Tawny, all with their arms around each other]
Tawny Dean: Yeah, I'm tearing up here.

Tawny Dean: It's good that things are getting back to normal between us. Things are back to normal, right?
[neither Louis or Twitty answers at first]
Louis Stevens: Em... Wait a second...
[sticks two carrot pieces up his nostrils]
Louis Stevens: Okay, now we're back to normal!
[Louis, Tawny and Twitty laughs]

Twitty: Yeah, Blake did a Doc Dennier's Hot Dog commercial, like, a couple of years ago.
Louis Stevens: Doc Denniers? Right... Doc Denniers! That's right!
Twitty: Yep, man, Blake's all about acting.
Louis Stevens: I love that commercial. I remember the song. It goes, um... "If it's not Doc Denniers, you're just eating wieners."
Twitty: Yeah, man, that's him.
Louis Stevens: [to Tawny] You remember that commercial?
Tawny Dean: I don't eat wieners.
Louis Stevens: Okay...

Louis Stevens: [impersonates Austin Powers] Groovy, baby. Yeah.
Ren Stevens: What are you doing?
Louis Stevens: Oh, this? Just trying out some new routines for my new crew.
Ren Stevens: Your new crew? Listen to you, with your overnight popularity... You're starting to sound like Larry Beale. Translation: Ew!
Louis Stevens: What's wrong with you?
Ren Stevens: I think I lost my mojo.
Louis Stevens: No. You never had a mojo.
Ren Stevens: You're probably right.
Louis Stevens: What? You're not gonna yell at me? Help! Dr. Evil has replaced my sister with some cheap, ugly robot!

Tawny Dean: Louis, you may not know this, but I'm fond of you. And so is Twitty. But we think... We're worried you've become a pod person.
Louis Stevens: So... So, now that I have new friends, I'm a pod person?
Tawny Dean: Don't take this the wrong way.
Louis Stevens: [angry] I can't help it! Every day, it's been like, "Louis, stop with the Brando," "Louis, get a new act..." How am I supposed to feel?
Tawny Dean: [pauses] You're taking this the wrong way.

Twitty: I thought there had been a little bad blood between you and Blake.
Louis Stevens: No, there's no bad blood. There's no blood! Do I look like I'm bleeding?

Louis Stevens: For those of you keeping score at home: My new friends... they don't like me. My old friends... they don't like me. So I guess the score is friends, zero. Louis, really zero. I don't know, I guess maybe next time, I'll think twice before I save a guy's life.

[Louis rides his bike, before he hears a yelling]
Tawny Dean: Help! Help!
[Louis hears it, and sees a sign saying: "Damsel in distress". He goes on and finds another sign, which says: "That means you, Louis." Louis continues and sees Tawny in the middle of a train track]
Louis Stevens: Woah! What...? Tawny? What the heck are you doing? This isn't another one of your protests, is it?
Tawny Dean: Are you going to save me or not?
Louis Stevens: Save you from what?
[train whistle follows. We see a small black model train, with a laughing Twitty driving it]
Louis Stevens: Twitty? You guys have completely lost your minds!
Tawny Dean: Okay, I'm gonna talk you through this.
Louis Stevens: Good.
Tawny Dean: Okay, I'm tied to the tracks. The train is coming. The hero... that would be you... rides up on his bike and saves me. In the nick of time.
[the train moves closer]
Tawny Dean: [flatly] Oh, no... It's the evil Twitty... Save my life, and I will forever be your friend...
[Louis doesn't react at once]
Tawny Dean: Hm? Beats the Heimlich maneuver.

"Even Stevens: Scrub Day (#1.9)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Why did they pick Larry Beale for Scrubmaster? I mean, he's mean, he's nasty, he's brutal, and that's just to his mother.

Tawny Dean: Do you guys think this Scrub Day thing is for real?
Alan Twitty: I don't know, dude, but it's kinda starting to freak me out.
Louis Stevens: What? It's nothing! It's just the eight graders trying to scare us. They're not really gonna do anything. Why are you being such babies?
[a hanging skeleton comes down from the ceiling, with a message that there's two days left until Scrub Day. Louis jumps up in Tawny's arms so she holds him like a baby]
Tawny Dean: How do you feel now, tough guy?

Ren Stevens: When I went through it, I thought the whole thing was disgusting and juvenile.
Louis Stevens: [relieved] Right. Right
Ren Stevens: But now that you're going through it, I just think it's a wonderful school tradition. Later, Scrub.

Tawny Dean: What do the eight graders have that we don't have?
Louis Stevens: Other than armpit hair, they got nothing.

Tawny Dean: It's just that they're organized, and we're not. Right?
Louis Stevens: Right. But I got an idea!
Tawny Dean: Really?
Louis Stevens: No. No, I don't. I don't. But I will by two o'clock.

Louis Stevens: [to his fellow seventh graders] Look, there are more of us than there are of them. That's why we need to stick together. Alright? If we're gonna be the Scrubs, we need to be the united Scrubs. The United Scrubs... of America. USA!

Louis Stevens: [trying to rally the seventh graders to resist Scrub Day initiations] Is it fair that, that we can be tortured because we're younger?
The assembled Seventh graders: No!
Louis Stevens: No. And is it fair that Larry Beale gets to decide how to torture us?
The assembled Seventh graders: No!
Louis Stevens: No. And is it fair that Pluto has to sleep in a dog house and wear a leash, while Goofy, who is also a dog, gets to drive around in a car and play golf with Mickey?
The assembled Seventh graders: [confused, nonplussed] What? Huh?
Tawny Dean: What?
Louis Stevens: [quietly] Sorry, it's just always bothered me.

Tom Gribalski: Only two more days until the most horrible humiliation we could ever imagine.
Louis Stevens: OK, let's say it is for real. I mean, what could they possibly do to us?
Tawny Dean: Well, my cousin said that when she went here, they TP'd every seventh grader from head to toe.
Alan Twitty: That's flagrant, man!
Tom Gribalski: In my other school, five guys held my head in a toilet, and then flushed it.
Alan Twitty: You got a swirlie. That's vile!
Tom Gribalski: Yes, but oddly refreshing.

"Even Stevens: Leavin' Stevens (#3.22)" (2003)
Tom Gribalski: It's the last day we'll walk through these halls together. It's the last time we'll see you open your locker!
Louis Stevens: Tom, enough!
Tom Gribalski: It's the last time I'll hear you say: "Tom, enough!"

Louis Stevens: [on videotape] Okay. Tawny, hi! Hi. Uhmm... By the time you see this, I'll probably already be in Washington. That's far. It's about, uh, 2,797 miles away. I looked it up. I didn't want the last things we talked about to be about chili fries. So that's why I'm doing this. This tape, you know. To tell you how I really feel.

Louis Stevens: Now, listen, Tom. I'm entrusting you with this tape. Okay? So, if anybody else besides Tawny gets their hands on this, I will personally track you down and make you pay. You hear what I'm saying?
Tom Gribalski: Is that a threat, Louis?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, that's a threat.
Tom Gribalski: Oh... Okay. Well, I respond very well to threats, so consider this tape delivered.

News Anchor: In a stunning and dramatic reversal, a recount has snatched victory away from state senator Eileen Stevens, and by a scant 17 votes, has given the vacant congressional seat to Charles Nuck.
Louis Stevens: My tape!
Ren Stevens: My friends!
Steve Stevens: My job!
Donnie Stevens: My coach!
Eileen Stevens: My seat!

Louis Stevens: Tawny. Hey.
Tawny Dean: Hey, Louis!
Louis Stevens: Hey. Uh... Well, we got some... stuff to talk about. Right?
Tawny Dean: Oh, yeah... I turned on my television last night. That was really freaky.
Louis Stevens: So it was upsetting?
Tawny Dean: Yeah! I mean, your mom lost the election.
Louis Stevens: Uh... My Mom... Yeah! Yeah, she was... she was crushed. It was horrible.
Tawny Dean: But at least you're not moving, right?
Louis Stevens: Oh, yeah, no, I'm right here. I'm right here. Uh... You didn't happen to get a tape from Tom?
Tawny Dean: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it sounded important. But knowing Tom, it's probably just some nature special or his mom's 40th birthday...
Louis Stevens: Oh, yeah, good party, that was a good... Besides, uh, besides... Point is, you didn't... you didn't watch it, or...?
Tawny Dean: Oh, no. I mean, I'll probably watch it when I get home today. So he doesn't bug me anymore.
Louis Stevens: Right... Well, that's great. That's great! Um... Good talking to you. Get back to reading, uh, I got a class.
Tawny Dean: Oh yeah, me too.
Louis Stevens: Oh. Cool! See you around, then.
Tawny Dean: Bye.

Louis Stevens: [reading the tape label] To Louis?
[he plays the tape]
Tawny Dean: [on tape] Hi, Louis. I'm sending you this tape because I didn't want the last thing we said to each other to be about chili fries.
Louis Stevens: [on tape, as Tawny watches his tape at the same time] I remember the first time I saw you. I had fallen off the flagpole. Hurt like crud! But it didn't matter. 'Cause there you were...
Tawny Dean: ...and then you fell off the flagpole, and... I just remember thinking how funny you were. Not... not funny that you broke your back! But just... you were a funny person. And you were really cute too.
Louis Stevens: ...I like the way you look at me. You have this look you do, right after I do something stupid. You give me this look... it's like... it's like you're gonna get mad... But then you just smile.
Tawny Dean: long as I live, I'm... I'm never gonna meet anybody like you.
Louis Stevens: ...I'm gonna miss you so much. I love you, Tawny.
Tawny Dean: ...I love you, Louis.

Louis Stevens: Hey.
Tawny Dean: Hi.
Louis Stevens: So... I saw a tape last night.
Tawny Dean: Yeah, I... I saw a tape too.
Louis Stevens: So...?
Tawny Dean: So...
Louis Stevens: So, I heard they're having chili fries at lunch today.
Tawny Dean: Cool. I love chili fries.
[walking out holding hands]

Eileen Stevens: [standing with her family, speaking to the press] I just look forward to being your voice in Congress. And my family and I will be moving to Washington immediately, so you can rest assured that I will be on the job, 24/7.
Louis Stevens: We're moving to Washington?
Ren Stevens: Hello! Mom's in Congress now. Congress is in Washington.
Donnie Stevens: Since when?

"Even Stevens: Deep Chocolate (#1.12)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: I thought I had it in my front pocket.
Ren Stevens: You do. Your pants are on backwards!
[Eileen and Steve looks at her]
Ren Stevens: Which is a really styling look for you.

Louis Stevens: So, then, I hand you the chocolate, you eat it, and then you say...
Alan Twitty: It's a miracle...
[looks down on his hand and continues unenthusiastically]
Alan Twitty: I can see again.
Louis Stevens: No, that's not what you say.
Alan Twitty: No?
Louis Stevens: No, it's not. Because you're blind, and now you can see. That's a miracle, you can see now! You gotta be energetic and pumped, right?
Alan Twitty: Yeah.
Louis Stevens: So, what did Mr. Randall say, you remember? He said: "You gotta make me feel the chocolate has changed your life." Right?
Alan Twitty: Okay.
Alan Twitty: IT'S A MIRACLE!
[breaths uncontrollably and kneels with his hands thrown graciously up in the air]
Alan Twitty: I CAN SEE AGAIN...
Louis Stevens: No, that's too much, man.

Alan Twitty: Who made you the boss?
Louis Stevens: That's how it is, all the great duos! Batman, he rescues people, and Robin... Robin checks with Batman before he orders four hundred boxes of chocolate!

Tawny Dean: Louis, hi, I didn't know you could ride a unicycle.
Louis Stevens: I can't!
[fall over]

Louis Stevens: Do you wanna buy some chocolate?
Tawny Dean: Forget it! I'm not buying from either of you!
Louis Stevens: Why?
Tawny Dean: Well, first of all, it tastes like dirt.

Wallace Randall: Hey, is that my chocolate?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, I thought we could move more of it in liquid form.

Louis Stevens: Go ahead, call me any name you want.
Ren Stevens: Louis, ask me that in 17 hours!

"Even Stevens: Starstruck (#2.1)" (2001)
Tawny Dean: Sorry, I'm exhausted. I was up late last night, studying for a wrecker Social Studies test.
Louis Stevens: Yeah. Yeah, when is that thing anyway?
Tawny Dean: In about a minute.
Louis Stevens: What?
Tawny Dean: Well, that should be plenty of time for you to learn all the Constitution.
Louis Stevens: No, I'm dead!
Tawny Dean: Yes.
Louis Stevens: I know nothing about it. Why do we even have to learn about that old, stupid piece of paper, anyway?
Tawny Dean: I don't know, maybe 'cause it's... the foundation of American democracy?
Louis Stevens: Oh, sure, when you say it like that, it sounds all important.

Alan Twitty: [sign on a classroom door] "Test cancelled due to my monkey having babies."
Tawny Dean: Talk about dumb luck.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, really. Thanks, bearded penny dude!

Tawny Dean: Where's Louis?
Alan Twitty: Dude, this whole lucky penny thing's getting ridiculous. Principal Wexler had to go to a meeting, so he couldn't eat his birthday lunch. Guess who got it.
[Louis comes to the lunch area with Principal Wexler's lunch, which is pretty big]
Louis Stevens: Hope it's not overcooked, you know. Nothin' worse than rubbery lobster.

Louis Stevens: [Louis begs Twitty's fruit cup, then finds a message under the lid] What is this? "Congratulations, you won a free fashion make over, courtesy of Fruity Fruit cocktail." Check that out!
Tawny Dean: Okay, now I'm scared.

Nelson Minkler: Louis! You look different. What happened to you?
Ren Stevens: Louis, you actually look... What's the word I'm looking for?
Louis Stevens: Stunning?
Ren Stevens: Yes!
Nelson Minkler: Yeah.

Alan Twitty: How long do you think that lucky streak will go on?
Louis Stevens: Well, as long as I got my penny, I'd say... oh, forever?
Alan Twitty: Sweet!
Tawny Dean: Okay, do you guys really believe that that penny has some kind of mystical powers?
Louis Stevens: What? No, of course not.
Alan Twitty: Dude, what do you, think, that we're, like, some kind of superstitious maniacs?

Louis Stevens: Pennydance.
Alan Twitty: Yeah!
[Louis lays the penny on a chair, which he and Twitty dances wildly around]
Tawny Dean: Look, guys! There's no such thing as a lucky penny. Look, it's just a series of admittedly weird coincidences.
Louis Stevens: Really? Could you turn up the radio, please?
[Tawny looks at him, but then turns the radio up]
DJ Breezy Breeze: That was three in a row from BBMak! You know what that means! We're waiting for our twenty-first caller, at 555-0134.
Louis Stevens: Come on, Aby-baby, work your magic.
Tawny Dean: Okay, Louis, do you realize the odds? Every kid in Sacramento is gonna be on that...
Louis Stevens: Shh! Timing has to be perfect, okay? It's a finger thing.
DJ Breezy Breeze: You're on K-Sac with BBMak! Who are we talking to?
Louis Stevens: Uh... Uh, Louis Stevens.
DJ Breezy Breeze: Louis Stevens! Well, you're our lucky twenty-first caller! Louis Stevens, how do you feel?
Louis Stevens: I'm pretty cool.
Ste McNally: I think we should go for the twenty-second caller.
Mark Barry: You know, we usually get a little more enthusiasm from our winners!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, well, I have to tell you, this whole charm life thing is getting a little old.
DJ Breezy Breeze: Right! Hold on to that call!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, I'll hold. Hey, do you guys wanna go to BBMak on recording session?
Alan Twitty: [to Tawny] You got enough proof?
Tawny Dean: [pauses] Pennydance.

"Even Stevens: Luscious Lou (#1.16)" (2000)
Twitty: You know what a win-win situation is, right?
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Twitty: Well, this is the exact same thing. Except, it's lose-lose.
Louis Stevens: That's great.

[Louis finds out he will be wrestling a girl]
Louis Stevens: But, you're a girl. And I...
[makes hand signals]
Louis Stevens: ...wrestle with...
Mimi Nagurski: Good grammar.

Twitty: What if you did like, uh, swimming?
Louis Stevens: No...
Tawny Dean: No, no, no. I've seen Louis swim. He has to wear arm floaties and a shallow end.

Louis Stevens: Sir, I was wondering... Could you put me on a sports team or something? Any team's fine.
Coach Tugnut: [lifts Louis up in the air] What do you weigh, Stevens? About 104-105?
Louis Stevens: Uh... uh... uh... That's a personal question, Coach.
Coach Tugnut: [lets him down] We need somebody in that weight class. Congratulations, Stevens... You just made the wrestling team.

Twitty: [Tugley lifts him up] Coach, I can't wrestle, I'm already on the basketball team.
Coach Tugnut: Yeah, I know. Just haven't seen you in a while. Thought I'd lift you up.
[walks away]
Louis Stevens: That was interesting.

Louis Stevens: Sir! Sir, ehm, if you don't mind, I would like to say something. Okay?
Coach Tugnut: No!
Louis Stevens: Thank you. Now, I'd just like to say first off what an honor it is to be on the wrestling team, and that although I've never got hit in the back by a folding chair, I'll try to make it look as "real" as possible.
Coach Tugnut: Stevens!
Louis Stevens: And I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou and Texas Joe Hot Dog.
Coach Tugnut: How about this one: The Kid Who Chaps My Rear End.
Louis Stevens: I don't know, Coach, it doesn't really sing. You got something else?

Ren Stevens: You're an evil genius!
Louis Stevens: Thank you.

"Even Stevens: A Very Scary Story (#2.13)" (2001)
Beans: Jeepers, that's a scary story.
Louis Stevens: And now, Beans, as always, I gonna have to throw you OUT.

Tom Gribalski: Let's make this quick, guys. I have to get my eyes examined.
Louis Stevens: Your eyes examin - Tom, how many fingers am I holding up?
Tom Gribalski: Two.
Louis Stevens: That's right, your eyes are fine.

Ren Stevens: And your little penguin get-up... It's not gonna scare anybody.
Louis Stevens: [Donnie comes in] Oh, really? NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAH!
[jumps over the stairs handrail and runs off]

Tom Gribalski: Greetings, fellas! What's the word?
Louis Stevens: The word is "tardy", Tom.

Tom Gribalski: [earlier, after his eye examination] I suddenly got quite the hang of the mood juice. It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.
Tawny Dean: [after her eye examination] Milk is not stupid, okay? It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.
Louis Stevens: Where have I heard that before.

Tom Gribalski: [earlier, after his eye examination] If something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives.
Tawny Dean: [earlier, after her eye examination] Do you realize that if something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives?
Alan Twitty: Milk is an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health, Louis.
Louis Stevens: Dude, if you guys start talking about my permanent record, I'm outta here.
Alan Twitty: Well, it does follow you for the rest of your life.

Louis Stevens: Did that eye test mess with your brains? Wait a minute... What happened to you guys in there?
Tawny Dean, Alan Twitty: [speaking identically] Nothing. We're perfectly fine.

"Even Stevens: Boy on a Rock (#3.13)" (2002)
Steve Stevens: As a matter of fact, this probably is a good time as any tell you... I signed up as a parent volunteer at your school!
Ren Stevens: What! Why?
Louis Stevens: Are we being punished for something?

Louis Stevens: You're not gonna embarrass us, are you, Dad?
Steve Stevens: Well, that's probably unavoidable.

Tawny Dean: What does this say to you?
Louis Stevens: Looks like a... plea for tolerance and world peace.
Tawny Dean: [excited] Yes! I can't believe you got that!
Louis Stevens: Tawny, everything you do is a plea for tolerance and world peace.

Louis Stevens: Allison walks by, and she gives me THE EYE.
Tawny Dean: Wait, what... the eye? What does that mean?
Louis Stevens: You know, the Eye? THE EYE?

Tawny Dean: Louis!
Louis Stevens: Yeah! Yeah, I'm sorry. You know what? You're right. This thing is too weird between me and Allison. I'm putting a stop to it now!
Tawny Dean: Oh! Well, now is your chance!
[walks away while Allison comes closer]
Allison Wong: Hi, Louis.
Louis Stevens: Allison. Good to see you.
[shakes hands with her]
Allison Wong: Good to see you too.
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Allison Wong: Could you meet me in Templeton Park after school today...?
Louis Stevens: [without hesitation] Sure!

Louis Stevens: You know where Templeton Park is?
Tom Gribalski: You mean... TEMPTATION PARK...!
Louis Stevens: Why do they call it that?
Tom Gribalski: Dude! Only because it's the hottest make out spot in town! That's why they call it... TEMPTATION PARK...!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, I get it.

Alan Twitty: Dude, what are you doing?
Louis Stevens: Whoa! Twitty, stop, man! Me and Allison didn't do anything.
Alan Twitty: Okay, so why are you running?
Louis Stevens: 'Cause you're chasing me, Twitty!

"Even Stevens: Foodzilla (#1.7)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Please?
Ren Stevens: No.
Louis Stevens: Please?
Ren Stevens: No!
Louis Stevens: Pleeeease?
Ren Stevens: Okay.
Louis Stevens: Really?
Ren Stevens: NO!

Tawny Dean: Louis, what's this whole thing about you being serious anyway? I mean, it's so not you.
Louis Stevens: Wait, so you're saying I'm just some goof ball who can't be serious?
Tawny Dean, Alan Twitty: Yeah.

Ren Stevens: Thank you, Artie, for that insightful story. Now, let's go live to the cafeteria, for Louis Stevens' special report.
Louis Stevens: Thank you, Ren. Now, we've all been in the cafeterial line. But what do we really know about the people who cook and serve the so called food we eat?

Louis Stevens: Is it true that you once ran out of chicken fingers and served human fingers?
Elsa Schotz: Why are you telling such lies?
Louis Stevens: Lies? How do you explain this? Huh? Huh?
[shows his hands where he hides to fingers. Elsa starts to throw food at him]

Louis Stevens: What about him?
Ren Stevens: Mr. Gordon.
Louis Stevens: Right. Mr. Gordon.
Ren Stevens: Well, I suppose you could trash him. You get it? Trash? He's the custodian!
[Ren laughs at her own joke, Louis does not]
Louis Stevens: Ren?
Ren Stevens: Huh?
Louis Stevens: I'll do the comedy.

Eileen Stevens: How was the show?
Ren Stevens: [sadly] Great.
Louis Stevens: [unenthusiastically] Everybody loved it.
Eileen Stevens: Wow! I'd hate to see what you two looked like if it bombed!

Ren Stevens: You are a horrible little person!
Louis Stevens: Thank you.
Ren Stevens: You're welcome.

"Even Stevens: Band on the Roof (#3.5)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Jiminy H. Crickets III Jr...

Louis Stevens: What's living if you never pull your shorts down and slide on the ice, Ren?

Louis Stevens: Beans is like that policeman in Terminator 2, you know who I'm talking about? I swear, he goes liquid. He can fit through cracks in windows, under doors, through little keyholes!

Louis Stevens: Here's what we do. I think that we should throw a free concert. But not just any free concert. This free concert will be on the school roof.
Alan Twitty: That is sweet! You know what, dude, that's not a bad idea. 'Cause the Beatles threw a free concert on the roof once.
Tawny Dean: And so did U2!
Louis Stevens: And now, the Twitty Stevens Connection.

Louis Stevens: What's up, guys.
Alan Twitty: What's up, dude.
Louis Stevens: Alright, so here's what I'm thinking. I think we should here really early, right, really early. Like before-school-starts early. Alright? We get our stuff, our equipment, and we send it up on the roof.
Alan Twitty: Sweet. Hey, what if we were camouflaged?
Tawny Dean: You know, Twitty, that is a brilliant idea. What if we dress up as giant metal vents to get in with the roof decor?
Alan Twitty: Yeah, now that I hear it out loud, it does sound kind of stupid.

Ren Stevens: I have never been in so much trouble before. But it was worth it.
Louis Stevens: I'm giving her a lot of credit for stepping up. That was very cool. But don't tell her I...
Ren Stevens: ...said that. I would hate to admit that I actually had fun with Louis.

"Even Stevens: A Weak First Week (#1.21)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: Oh, great! See what you did? Now we're stuck!
Louis Stevens: We're not stuck.
Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to inform you, but you're stuck!

Ren Stevens: How long are we gonna be up here?
Louis Stevens: Relax, enjoy the view, Ren. I mean, we've got cotton candy, we've got soda...
[a bird flies over them and takes the candy]
Louis Stevens: We've got soda.

Louis Stevens: [flashback] Hey.
[Tawny doesn't answer]
Louis Stevens: I like your look. It's very, uh... uh, black.
Tawny Dean: An explanation of my fashion choices would be wasted on you, since I'm sure your mommy still picks out your clothes.
Louis Stevens: My mother's dead.
Tawny Dean: Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Louis Stevens: [laughs] Just kidding. Actually, she does buy my clothes. Unfortunately, she's blind.
Tawny Dean: Let me guess: just kidding.
Louis Stevens: Bingo!
[puts a spoon with rice on his nose]
Louis Stevens: Do I have food on my face?
Tawny Dean: Is that supposed to be funny?
Louis Stevens: [disappointed] No.
Larry Beale: Yo, Stevens! What's his first name?
Louis Stevens: [to Tawny] Sorry, popularity calls. But you should know... the meaner you are to me, the more I like you. Scary, isn't it?
[smile and walks away]

Louis Stevens: [flashback] Hey, Wednesday Addams, how's it going?
Tawny Dean: My name is Tawny, okay?

Louis Stevens: [flashback] Listen. I know we barely know each other. But my mom and I were talking about you a few nights ago. She says that you like me.
Tawny Dean: Yeah, right.
Louis Stevens: Oh, I know, I told her how you gave me mean looks and how you tried to avoid me, and she said that's just what girls do sometimes. So Mom's wrong, huh?
Tawny Dean: Very.
Louis Stevens: So, I'm a dork, that's okay. Look, my sister's in way over her head, and I just, you know... wanted to know if you would help me. As a friend.

Ren Stevens: Junior High was great until you got there; now it's a nightmare.
Louis Stevens: [annoyed] Oh yeah? Well, being your brother is about as much fun as sucking spaghetti through your nose. Sure, you can do it, but when that meatball gets lodged...

"Even Stevens: Stevens Manor (#3.18)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: [Louis has turned the Stevens house into a Bed & Breakfast] Of course the crown jewel of the Garden Cafe is the lovely Tawny Dean. She's the piano player here. We call her the human jukebox, 'cause she knows all kinds of songs.
Kitna Twin: Does she know "I hate it here, we should've gone to Hawaii?"
Tawny Dean: [improvising a song] I hate it here / We should've gone to Hawaii / Where they say "aloha" / And roast little piggies.

Louis Stevens: Mrs. Culpepper, I presume? What a nice jacket. How was your trip?
Mrs. Culpepper: Miserable.
Louis Stevens: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, we at Stevens Manor are all about you, the guest, and help you forget about all your problems! So come here! COME HERE! Give me a hug. Oh...
[gives Mrs. Culpepper a hug. Mrs. Culpepper doesn't look all too comforted]

Louis Stevens: You guys seen the rec room yet? No? You haven't seen it? Well there you go. There's a ball, play safe, all right?
[he hands the twins two paddles and a ping-pong ball]
Kitna Twin: All you have is a ping-pong table?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, well I never said anything about a table.

Louis Stevens: It's almost 12 o'clock! They're all gonna want their money back.
Ren Stevens: I know. Unless they don't know it's midnight.
Louis Stevens: Unless they don't know it's midnight... Oh, I see where you're going! I see where you're going!
[starts to laugh, as does Ren, Twitty, Tawny and Tom. After a while, they suddenly stops]
Louis Stevens: Yeah, I don't really know where you're going with this.

Eileen Stevens: Louis! Are you alright? How is your back?
Louis Stevens: My... my back? My back? Yeah, yeah... I mean, it went out, but, uh... Then it came back in.

"Even Stevens: All About Yvette (#1.5)" (2000)
Tawny Dean: Okay! I'll do it if you... hop on one foot, pat your left hand on your head and rub your stomach with the other.
Louis Stevens: Pat... Rub stomach... Okay.
[does it]
Louis Stevens: Hey, is this good?
Tawny Dean: I cannot possibly babysit with someone that looks that lame.
Louis Stevens: What do you mean?

Louis Stevens: We've got Doritos, Cheetos and basically the whole family of -itos.

Louis Stevens: Now, Milton, listen to me... Okay? If you finish your dinner, I'll read you a story. Don't worry...
[Milton throws his milk in his and Tawny's faces]
Tawny Dean: About a boy who wouldn't gonna see the age of four.

Louis Stevens: Business, headquarters... Sounds like somebody's got a lot of responsibility, huh, Ren?
Ren Stevens: [unenthusiastic] Oh, yeah. Louis brought me a sweater. He's really responsible.
Louis Stevens: Stop it, Ren. Mom's gonna think I paid you to say that.
Eileen Stevens: Nice try, Louis, but you're still not babysitting alone.
Louis Stevens: Alone! Of course not. No! The kid'll be there. And Tawny will be there too, and she's 13, Mom. And two 13-year-olds is really like a 26-year old. And they're really responsible.

Tawny Dean: Wow... THX, high definition, Dolby surround sound... It's... it's like it gives life more meaning.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, I know, Tawny, I know. Now, nothing can come between us and digital heaven!
[Milton passes gas and laughs]
Tawny Dean: It's for you.

"Even Stevens: Easy Crier (#2.12)" (2001)
Coach Tugnut: [Louis arrives after bell rings] You're late, Stevens!
Louis Stevens: Or is it possible that everyone else on Earth is early?

Coach Tugnut: Oh, Stevens... You might wanna put some ice on those bruises.
Louis Stevens: Sir, I... I don't have any bruises.
Coach Tugnut: Not yet!

Mr. Winnick: [Lenny lifts Louis and his desk up in the air] Mr. Cranepool, could you please put your classmate down? Gently.
Louis Stevens: "Gently" being a key word.

Lenny Cranepool: Louis! I need to talk to you.
Louis Stevens: Listen, if I offended you in any way, I am sorry. And in fact, I'd like to pre-apologize for anything I may do in the future.

Alan Twitty: Hey, are you okay?
Louis Stevens: Have you ever felt the numb pains of guilt? You know, the ones that make you feel like a terrible person who doesn't deserve to live.
Alan Twitty: No.
Louis Stevens: Me neither. But this is the closest I've ever been.

"Even Stevens: Raiders of the Lost Sausage (#3.7)" (2002)
Beans: Do these pants make my butt look big?
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Beans: Good. Let's move some dirt!

Louis Stevens: Dad, it's not what you think!
Steve Stevens: Did you just dig a giant hole through our basement wall?
Louis Stevens: Well, yeah... may-maybe that part's what you think. But, hey! You don't know the part about the treasure.
Steve Stevens: Treasure?
Louis Stevens: Yeah!
Steve Stevens: This is just another one of your crazy, half-baked schemes.
Louis Stevens: No, no, no. No, it's not half-baked. It's fully-baked! I did research!

Tom Gribalski: You really did your homework on this one... Sacramento Kid!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, Tom, we're not doing nicknames right now.

Louis Stevens: I had the Sausage in my hand, but I lost it!
Steve Stevens: Don't worry about it, son.
[Louis knocks his hands angrily at the table]
Steve Stevens: Hey! We got something better than that.
Louis Stevens: What's that?
Steve Stevens: I don't know. I was gonna make a joke, but not enough time has passed. Come on. I'll make you an omelette.
Louis Stevens: Do you know what's better than omelettes?
Steve Stevens: What?
Louis Stevens: Golden sausages.

Steve Stevens: Louis, how come you're not at school?
Louis Stevens: Well, how come you're not at work?
[brief pause as both men chuckle to themselves]

"Even Stevens: Secrets and Spies (#1.11)" (2000)
[Eileen realizes Louis played a prank on Ren]
Eileen Stevens: What did you do? Put mayonnaise in her moisturizer?
Louis Stevens: No, but you know what? That's a good idea.

Louis Stevens: [finding his briefs hanging on the outside of his locker and reading the attached note] "You left your tighty whities in gym class - Couch Tugnut".
Girl in Hall: Hey there. You're Ren Stevens' little brother, right?
Louis Stevens: [as he tries to hide the underwear] The name... the name's Louis.
Alan Twitty: [holding up Louis' underpants] Yeah, it says so right on his underwear.

Louis Stevens: Little Miss Weird has been running around the house all day, and it's payback time!
Alan Twitty: [plays his guitar and sings] It's payback time, it's payback time!
Louis Stevens: Look over here, I'm gonna show you something.
Alan Twitty: [playing and singing] I'm gonna show you something, I'm gonna show you!
Louis Stevens: Get out! Get out of my house!
Alan Twitty: [still doing his music] Get, get out of Louis's house!
Louis Stevens: Louis is cool.
Alan Twitty: [still playing and singing] Louis is a big nerd, he's the biggest nerd!

Ren Stevens: What are you doing?
Louis Stevens: Isis!
Ren Stevens: What did you call me?
Louis Stevens: I said: hi, sis!

Louis Stevens: [pacing in his room, while Twitty sits on the edge of the bed with his guitar] Ren is up to something. The question is, What?
Alan Twitty: Well, she's a girl, and girls do weird things. Hey, that's a great song title.
Alan Twitty: [he strums his guitar along with his new lyrics] Girls Do Weird Things...

"Even Stevens: Get a Job (#1.17)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: Louis, get a job.
Louis Stevens: How am I supposed to do that?
Steve Stevens: I don't know, ask Ren. She does volunteer work for that new website that helps teenagers find jobs.
Louis Stevens: What doesn't that girl do.

Ren Stevens: What is your career goal?
Louis Stevens: I wanna be one of those guys that rides a motorcycle in the Globe of Doom at that Vegas show!
Ren Stevens: I knew that, actually.

Ren Stevens: [at job applying interview] Okay... Where do you see yourself in five years?
Louis Stevens: I hope I've moved up to Donnie's room.

Ren Stevens: Have you taken these dogs for a W-A-L-K?
[all the dogs barks]
Louis Stevens: Why did you have to remind them?

Louis Stevens: Well, that's the last of them.
Ren Stevens: Well, I hate to admit it, but I think you did a pretty good job. You know, except for the part of massive destruction of our house.

"Even Stevens: Stevens Genes (#1.2)" (2000)
Larry Beale: [just before he is about to time Louis in track] Donnie Steven's kid brother - I might as well use an hour glass.
Louis Stevens: Better yet, a calendar.

Louis Stevens: So, the next thing I know, they're putting me on the track team.
Steve Stevens: The only times I've seen you run fast, is to the dinner table.

Louis Stevens: That was a food fight.
Larry Beale: We had lunch together. How did I miss it?
Louis Stevens: It was fast food.

Coach Tugnut: I have bad news for you, boys. Spike Jurgens is off the track team. His GPA dropped bow a C.
Louis Stevens: [to Twitty] He's the only guy who needed a tutor for Wood Shop and still failed.

Coach Tugnut: You may not take this seriously, boy, but we all owe a debt and gratitude to your brother, the great Donnie Stevens. The boy... no... the man who still holds the state record for the hundred yard dash...
Louis Stevens: And the record in our house for the longest time spent in front of the mirror.
[Louis and Twitty laughs]
Coach Tugnut: Now that he's gone to high school, there's a huge void in our sports program...
Larry Beale: Donnie Stevens is over. It's my turn now.
Coach Tugnut: ...We need to find a man among you boys. A man who is willing to be all that he can be. Who can step up to the plate and carry on the winning tradition Donnie Stevens started here at Lawrence. If that man is out there... Coach Tugnut wants you.
[Louis and Twitty laughs again]
Coach Tugnut: And right face! Bow your heads. All of you!
[Tugnut takes off his hat and wears a sad expression. There is a big banner of Donnie up on the wall, doing different kind of sports. It says "I Play Because I can."]
Coach Tugnut: [sadly] Okay, everybody, out on the track. Go!

"Even Stevens: Short Story (#3.9)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Now listen, the school ain't big enough for the both of us, so you just get out of here, and never besmirch my name again, Loomis.
Loomis Freeman: What's "besmirch" mean?
Louis Stevens: "Besmirch"? I don't what "besmirch"...

Twitty: Dude, you've gotta find Loomis.
Louis Stevens: You can say that three times fast.
Twitty: You've gotta find Loomis, you've gotta find Loomis, you've gotta find Loomis...

Louis Stevens: [trying to trick Loomis into giving him the water balloon] Ok man, you win, there's no way I can get you. Oh, you got a little something on your nose, a little booger hanging out there
Loomis Freeman: [checking his nose] What? Where?
Louis Stevens: [grabs the balloon while Loomis is distracted] What now buddy! What now!

Louis Stevens: You know what this is? This is my evil twin! That explains it, he's my evil twin! Which would be pretty cool if wasn't trying to ruin my life.

Louis Stevens: Water gun?
Ren Stevens: Squirting flower.
Louis Stevens: That amateur.

"Even Stevens: Model Principal (#3.19)" (2002)
Tawny Dean: Woah! I didn't know Mr. Rough was bald.
Louis Stevens: See, look at that. We learn a new thing every day, right?

Louis Stevens: I'm gonna solve this. I'm gonna go talk to the man.
Tawny Dean: Who, Landau?
Louis Stevens: No. Ren.

Louis Stevens: You know, I liked it better when we were enemies.
Principal Conrad Wexler: Me too. One more game.

Louis Stevens: [Mr Landau is the new principal, and his method of discipline is to make students wear signs that highlight their faults] Ren, listen. Alright, look, you gotta do somethin' about this new guy, because he's drivin' me insane. All my friends, too.
Ren Stevens: Louis, Wexler's gone. Mr Landau has his own way of doing things.
Louis Stevens: Ren, you know what? If you're not gonna do it for me, at least do it for Lefkowitz. I mean, look at that. I mean, it's sad. It's getting personal now. That's not nice.
[Lefkowitz is wearing a sign that says, 'I am a crusty-eyed mouth breather']

Louis Stevens: [Louis tricks Principal Landau into leaving to take a job as magician on a cruise ship leaving from Finland] Landau, hey, I just wanted to wish you good luck in Helsinki, man.
Tawny Dean: Yeah, we're really gonna miss you.
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Tom Gribalski: NOT!... Did I just say that out loud?

"Even Stevens: Sadie Hawkins Day (#2.14)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: [trying to trick Loomis into giving him the water ballon] Ok man, you win, there's no way I can get you. Oh, you got a little something on your nose, a little booger hanging out there
Loomis Freeman: [checking his nose] What? Where?
Louis Stevens: [grabs the balloon while Loomis is distarcted] What now buddy! What now!

Louis Stevens: [after Tawny walks out on him] What just happened?
Alan Twitty: I said 'play cool'.
Tom Gribalski: Yeah, and you played the fool!

Ren Stevens: [after Louis being thrown into the Pig Pen by Monique] Good job, Louis. You let the pig out.
Louis Stevens: No. No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Monique Taylor: Come on, Louis, let's go and get hitched!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, you know, I can't. Because I got this thing in my thing, which causes my thing to become, uh... uh, unhitched.

Tawny Dean: Louis, do you wanna dance?
Louis Stevens: I don't know, I've had so many offers today.

"Even Stevens: Snow Job (#3.17)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: If a chicken had lips could it whistle?

Eileen Stevens: Louis, you're late and we're having a lot of assignments to get through. Now... We'll begin with English class.
Louis Stevens: You forgot to call attendance, Mom.
Eileen Stevens: [angry] Louis!
Louis Stevens: Present.

Eileen Stevens: Louis!
Louis Stevens: [wakes up] I didn't do anything!
Eileen Stevens: [looks at the algebra board] I know!

Louis Stevens: [to Ren] You know what? Why don't you just go accomplish something and leave me alone.

Ren Stevens: I know how it feels to try and try something and just never get it right.
Louis Stevens: No, you don't! You don't understand. You're good at everything.
Ren Stevens: Thanks. But did you ever try pole vaulting?
Louis Stevens: Is... is that where they do the volleyball...?
Ren Stevens: No. It's where you stick the pole in the ground and hit yourself.

"Even Stevens: Easy Way (#1.10)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: [enthusiastically] As this year's coordinator for the school wide fundraising drive for the Beacon of Help, I wanna encourage each and every one of you to get involved. As I look out upon my fellow students, I see your eager faces, faces unafraid of sweat and hard work.
[Louis is asleep]
Alan Twitty: Do you want me to wake him?
Ren Stevens: He's my brother. Let me do it.
[walks toward Louis, who is dreaming about himself surfing while he eats a banana, with a bird flying over him causing him to lose his balance]
Louis Stevens: Ahh... Ahh... Oh... oh! Oh!
Ren Stevens: [into his ear] Waaahh!
Ren Stevens: Aaaaaaaahhh!
[Louis wakes up]
Ren Stevens: I want names and I'm not afraid to tango!

Louis Stevens: Guys, check it out!
[they see an advertising poster for a new "virtual fun center"]
Alan Twitty: Awww, dude, I can't wait! Fun-tasia is gonna be so cool.
Louis Stevens: I heard that there's gonna be, like, pizza, and tons of video games and stuff.
Tawny Dean: I heard they have virtual bowling.
Louis Stevens: I heard that when you have virtual bowling, you have to rent virtual bowling shoes.
Tawny Dean: I hate that virtual nasty smell.
Louis Stevens: It's almost like those virtual nachos!
Tawny Dean: They make you virtually bloated.
[Louis and Tawny laugh at their own absurdity]
Alan Twitty: Could you guys virtually stop now?

Louis Stevens: Guys... What if I found a way to help mankind without even getting out of my pyjamas?

Tawny Dean: Are you okay? I can hear you screaming through the intercom.
Louis Stevens: What are you doing here?
Tawny Dean: Oh, just thought I'd come out and watch a little mattress rodeo.
Louis Stevens: That's cool. So... Why aren't you with Zach?
Tawny Dean: Zach's okay, but... he doesn't laugh at the stupid stuff, like we do.

Tawny Dean: So, you're really gonna stick this out?
Louis Stevens: Well, yeah, I mean I came this far.
Tawny Dean: That's pretty cool, Louis.
Louis Stevens: Besides, I really think I''ve got the hang of it now. Let's see here...
[pushing a button. The mattress goes up towards the ceiling]
Louis Stevens: Oh, Jeez... Down, bed! No!
[Tawny laughs]

"Even Stevens: Heck of a Hanukkah (#1.15)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: [gasps] My bed!
Louis Stevens: Oh! I'm sorry! Oh...
[pours the soda bottle]
Ren Stevens: My soda!
Louis Stevens: I'll clean it up.
[cleans up using the books]
Ren Stevens: My books!
Louis Stevens: Ah...
[overturns the board]
Ren Stevens: My board...
Louis Stevens: "Me, me, me..." That's all I ever get from you.

Louis Stevens: What are you doing here?
Bubbie Rose: That's the way to speak to your Bubbie Rose?
Louis Stevens: My booby what?

Bubbie Rose: I am your great-great-great-great-grandmother.
Louis Stevens: Oh, that's great.

Louis Stevens: Look at them. Please, just look at them. This whole trip is great, you know. Because now I know what it'd be like if my family never had me. They'd be a hundred times better! Thank you, BOOBY.

Donnie Stevens: You don't know how it's like to be related to somebody who's perfect at everything they do.
Louis Stevens: Actually, I do.
Donnie Stevens: Really?
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Donnie Stevens: How do you deal with it?
Louis Stevens: Well, it's hard, but I think you gotta focus on your own good qualities, you know.
Ren Stevens: We don't have any.
Donnie Stevens: Ride! RID Silenti. Ride.
Ren Stevens: Right!
Louis Stevens: See? That's good. That's... yeah.
Ren Stevens: I can spit. REALLY far!
Louis Stevens: Woah!
Donnie Stevens: Yes.
Ren Stevens: Yeah, just like...
Louis Stevens: Yeah. And the fact that you guys care so much about each other, you know, that's good too. I mean, I wish my brother and sister cared about me as much as you care about each other.

"Even Stevens: (#1.1)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Oh, hi, Ren. Could I ask you something?
Ren Stevens: You just did! Bye.

Louis Stevens: Oh! The card.
Ernie Morton: Uh-uh... I'll give you the card at the end of the day.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, okay. Alright. No problem.
Ernie Morton: Right after I give my goodbye kiss!
[runs off to Ren]
Louis Stevens: Problem!

Ren Stevens: How could you! I have a reputation at school. How am I supposed to show my face there again? Hm?
Louis Stevens: May I suggest plastic surgery?

Alan Twitty: She calls you a slug.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, well, that's 'cause she loves me right down to the ground.

Teacher: Louis Stevens! Is there a problem?
Louis Stevens: No. I was just commenting that it's amazing how your favorite continent is my favorite continent too.
Teacher: I'm certain it's one of the great mysteries of life. Perhaps you'd like to stay after class to explore this mystery a little further?
Louis Stevens: No, that's alright. I'll just wait for the movie.

"Even Stevens: In Ren We Trust (#3.21)" (2003)
Ren Stevens: Louis! I should have figured. You could have taken our heads off!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, that'd be cool.

Ruby Mendel: Louis, I don't trust you with that money. You have dollar signs in your eyes.
Louis Stevens: Ruby, that's hurtful.
Alan Twitty: No, man. You do.

Tom Gribalski: Guess we all kind of snapped.
Ruby Mendel: Yeah, look at us, chasing Ren like some greedy animals.
Alan Twitty: Yeah. Guess money can do that to you.
Louis Stevens: [uncharacteristically serious] You know what? It could've happened to anyone of us. You know?
[lets go of his serious face]
Louis Stevens: Good thing it happened to her, though! Right? Hah hah hah!
[high fives Twitty, and gets ready to do the same to Little Timmy, who doesn't respond to that]
Father O'Neil: I know you don't mean that, son.
Principal Conrad Wexler: Yeah, he does.

Ruby Mendel: It's empty.
Ren Stevens: Yeah. Unfortunately somebody claimed the money this morning.
Louis Stevens: It's claimed?
Alan Twitty: Is there any reward?
Ruby Mendel: Oh, sure, we get to keep the case.
Louis Stevens: Well! Hey, let's split it up, then! Right? Okay, we're gonna start...
[everybody laughs]

"Even Stevens: What'll Idol Do? (#1.4)" (2000)
[Louis believes someone has stolen his video tape]
Louis Stevens: Oh, so it's going to be the "Louis, we have no idea what you're talking about" routine.
Steve Stevens: Louis. We have no idea what you're talking about.

Louis Stevens: [to Ren] I have the right to question all the suspects. You.

Tom Gribalski: Hey, Tawny, you think I could set up surveillances in your house sometime?
Louis Stevens: Tawny doesn't have a home.
Tom Gribalski: Oh.
Louis Stevens: She lives on her bike. It's a long story, it's very tragic.

Louis Stevens: Funniest thing happened to me today. I wanted to tell my sister she's being taken for a ride. Problem is, sis isn't too used to me telling true stories. So, you know, I'm realizing that every time I try to do something nice for this family, nobody ever believes me. So now I got to figure out how to tell her... without telling her. The worst part is... I got a zit the size of a Volkswagen.

"Even Stevens: Movie Madness (#1.18)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: I think I might have found my thing.
Tawny Dean: Your thing?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, everybody's got their thing. I mean, Twitty has his music, you have your poetry, Tom's got his... parents.

Tawny Dean: But this is only one page.
Alan Twitty: Yeah, where is the rest of it?
Louis Stevens: We're only shooting scene 27 today. You see, we're shooting out of order. It's called filmmaking.

Ren Stevens: [interrupting the filming] What is this disgusting slime doing in the refrigerator?
Louis Stevens: Cut! That's not slime, it's radioactive plasma!

Tawny Dean: Hey.
Louis Stevens: Hey! Oh, you're still here? Yeah, I thought you left in the middle or something.
Tawny Dean: I was just thinking about the movie. Louis, it had a great message. It's about feeling like an outsider and wanting to be accepted by appears.
Louis Stevens: Yeah... You got that?
Tawny Dean: Totally. And when that third eye cried... I cried.
[Louis laughs]
Tawny Dean: Can we watch it again?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, sure! Oh... Can I ask you something? Did my thighs look too fat in that dress?
Tawny Dean: [laughs] Eh, they were... They were muscular.

"Even Stevens: My Best Friend's Girlfriend (#3.3)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: [trying to climb a fence] Ut-oh, I think I just ripped my trousers.
Louis Stevens: Are you kidding me?
Tom Gribalski: I did. I have to go.

Tawny Dean: Look at Twitty and Allison!
[Twitty and Allison are flirting a few feet away from her and Louis]
Louis Stevens: Mm, cozy.
Tawny Dean: Very.

Allison Wong: I feel like I already know you guys. Alan has told me so much about you.
Louis Stevens: Who's Alan?
Alan Twitty: Dude, I have a first name too, you know.

Louis Stevens: Look, Tom, I don't think this best friend deal's gonna work out. But hey, hey, it's not you, it's me.
Louis Stevens: No, it's you. I have to go.
Tom Gribalski: [after Louis is gone] I knew we rushed into this!

"Even Stevens: Beans on the Brain (#3.16)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: I see two-head people.

Beans: I wanted you guys to meet my cousin.
Louis Stevens: There's MORE of you?

Louis Stevens: You were a lot of fun. But when I reached in to kiss you, I saw something.
Chris: Stars? Fireworks?
Louis Stevens: No, it was Beans.

Chris: Beans was right. You're an amazing guy.
Louis Stevens: Oh, I don't know about amazing. Spectacular, maybe.

"Even Stevens: The Thomas Gribalski Affair (#2.18)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: [a meat ball lands in his cup] Yeah! And it counts!
Alan Twitty: [a meat ball lands in Tawny's cup] Oh! Right plus. I get an extra five points 'cause it landed in someone else's cup.
Louis Stevens: Thanks a lot, Tawny.
Tawny Dean: Don't you get tired of making up these stupid games?
Louis Stevens: Yes, but then we just move on to another one.

Tom Gribalski: Steve Stevens is a real deal!
Louis Stevens: Steve Stevens? Steve Steven... Isn't that my dad's name?

Louis Stevens: [Twitty is running around a tree] 2001... 2002... 2003... Alright, man! You beat my record by 2000.

Tawny Dean: [after Louis' flashback of pushing his father into the water] It's obvious.
Louis Stevens: Right.
Tawny Dean: Don't you see the symbolism?
Louis Stevens: Yes!... No.
Tawny Dean: Louis, all these years, you've been pushing your father away.
Louis Stevens: Hm. So you're saying that now it's time to pull him back?
Tawny Dean: Very good!
Louis Stevens: So, how do I go back doing that?
Tawny Dean: Uhm... Take him out on something he likes to do.
Louis Stevens: No, no. I can't do that. My dad likes dorky stuff, like wooden leprechauns, you know? You know anything else I can do?
Tawny Dean: Time's up, that'd be five bucks.
[Louis laughs]
Tawny Dean: I'm serious.

"Even Stevens: Close Encounters of the Beans Kind (#3.8)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Some guy came for you Beans.
Beans: I don't know him.
Louis Stevens: I haven't even said his name yet.

Twitty: Some guy was looking for you today, Beans.
Beans: I've never heard of him.
Twitty: Yeah, I didn't even say his name yet, buddy. But his name is Mason.
Beans: I've never heard of *him* either.
Louis Stevens: He said he knows about the Long Journey Home.
Beans: I don't know what you're talking about. I have to go.

Ren Stevens: Louis, there's something weird going on with Beans.
Louis Stevens: You think?

Ren Stevens: Whatever it is, it's creeping me out.
Louis Stevens, Twitty: It's creeping m...
Louis Stevens: [pauses] That just creeped ME out.

"Even Stevens: Battle of the Bands (#1.14)" (2000)
Ren Stevens: Are you trying to bring down our house?
Louis Stevens: That's the idea, Ren!

Louis Stevens: [to Ren] My band is gonna BLOW your band out of the water!
Tawny Dean: [later] Louis, you don't have a band.
Louis Stevens: These little details are killing me.

Jason Bagwell: The vocal quality is fair, but Ren... You're trying so hard to impress me it's almost pathetic!
Louis Stevens: Wait a second. My sister doesn't have to impress anybody, and she might be a bossy, overachieving bathroom hog, but my sister is a great singer.
Tawny Dean: Who wants to play at your lame party anyways?
Jason Bagwell: Well, obviously not the Louis Stevens Experience. You got straight zeros! And Louis! What kind of a doofus are you? That's... that's not a band, that's a fire hazard!
Ren Stevens: Back up! The only person that's allowed to call my brother a doofus, is me!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, that's right, bad boy! And if I'm a doofus, I wanna hear it from her.
Ren Stevens: You might look good on the beach, but in reality you're just a pompous, egotistical jerk.
Jason Bagwell: I never went to the beach with you.
Ren Stevens: And you never will!
Jason Bagwell: I'm outta here.
Ren Stevens: You know, I can't believe I almost had a crush on that guy?
Louis Stevens: Pfff. Almost?

Ren Stevens: [Ren finds Louis in the kitchen making sandwiches] Turkey and peanut butter!
Louis Stevens: When life deals you a hard hand, there's nothin' like a big stack of "gooey gobblers".

"Even Stevens: Secret World of Girls (#2.5)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: What's your name, kid?
Beans: Bernard.
Louis Stevens: Bernard? I don't like it.
Beans: Me neither!
Louis Stevens: Well, from now on, your name is Beans.

Ren Stevens: Twitty.
Alan Twitty: Hello, Ren, I'm here to pick up Louis and take him back to my house, where we spend the night safely away from you.
Louis Stevens: Oh, hello, Alan. Are you here to pick me up, bring me back to your house, where we spend the night safely away from Ren?

Ren Stevens: Open the pack.
Louis Stevens: There is nothing in my pack, except from toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies!
Ren Stevens: Or, it could possibly be a rolled up newspaper just to make me think that you're gonna go over to his house to sleep over, and then come back here to ruin my party!
Louis Stevens: Ren, that is crazy talk. Ren!
Ren Stevens: Let's just see about that, shall we?
[takes the pack from Louis and pulls out the content]
Ren Stevens: What is this?
Louis Stevens: A toothbrush and a pair of fresh undies.

Ruby Mendel: [being watched by Louis and Twitty on the TV] Ren, I'm here! This is gonna be so much fun!
[the girls dances around, excited]
Louis Stevens: [does an impression after Ruby] Oh, yeah! TWITTY, THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!
[the boys dances around in the style of the girls]

"Even Stevens: Wombat Wuv (#2.16)" (2001)
Tawny Dean: Louis! You stole the wombat suit again? You should have told me, I would've done it with you. Okay, mascots are so annoying.
Louis Stevens: You know, actually, um... I'm the mascot.
Tawny Dean: [push Louis into the locker] Get outta here!

Louis Stevens: Twitty, let's face it. Tawny's great. But she's a little girl! But, you see, Ms. Morgan... Ms. Morgan. She is a woman. And I... I'm a man.

Louis Stevens: No, Tawny, don't leave. I have to tell you something.
Tawny Dean: What?
Louis Stevens: You have the two most beautiful eyebrows I've ever seen.

"Even Stevens: Where in the World Is Pookie Stevens? (#3.2)" (2002)
Ren Stevens: Why didn't you tell me you found Mr. Pookie?
Louis Stevens: Because, you know, you get all screamy, and mushy, jumping, crying, hugging... it's just horrible.
Ren Stevens: All right.
[Hands Louis drumsticks]
Louis Stevens: Ren, what am I supposed to do with the drumsticks? REN?
[Walks into family room where he sees a drum set]
Louis Stevens: [Drops backpack] Oh... Thank you so much ma.
[Starts jumping, screaming, and crying while hugging the family]
Ren Stevens: Thanks for not getting mushy.

Eileen Stevens: Louis, where are your pants?
Louis Stevens: [smiling and counting money] I sold them... for six bucks.

Louis Stevens: Dad, I gotta talk to you about my drum set.
Steve Stevens: You don't have a drum set!
Louis Stevens: Exactly. But I figured out a way to solve this problem.
Steve Stevens: And that would be...?
Louis Stevens: I'm gonna let you buy it for me.

"Even Stevens: Sibling Rivalry (#2.15)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: You are the most infurating...
Louis Stevens: YOU'RE INFLURI... nate... turing!

David Blackburn: [to Louis and Ren] Hello. I'm David Blackburn.
Louis Stevens: Sir! Yeah, I'm Louis Stevens. This is Cruella.

Louis Stevens: You can't beat me on the Prince of the Plank, Ren! Can't - beat - me! No, I'm the Prince of the Plank!

"Even Stevens: Surf's Up (#3.20)" (2003)
Alan Twitty: Do you actually know how to surf?
Louis Stevens: I have the reflexes of a cat. And the dexterity of a jeweler. And... I can open my eyes under water.

Louis Stevens: What's up, guys! Thought the ocean would be bigger, huh?
Zack Estrada: Yeah, nice one, Sir Jinx-a-lot.
Louis Stevens: Sir What-a-lot?

Alan Twitty: Spring Break, buddy.
Louis Stevens: Yes, sir, Spring Break. Approachin' fast, huh. So, uh, what did Zack want to talk about, man?
Alan Twitty: Oh, nothin', he just invited me to go surfin'.
Louis Stevens: Oh yeah? Nice of him, that's, that's so nice. So, when did you start hangin' out with him and his friends, man?
[his voice cracks, trying to hide his jealousy]
Alan Twitty: Um, last Spring Break I went surfin' with 'em, you know, when your Dad made you go to that temper tantrum workshop.
Louis Stevens: [Louis suddenly starts shouting at the top of his lungs] NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I EXPRESS MYSELF APPROPRIATELY NOW! ALL YOU PEOPLE... a-heh, heh...

"Even Stevens: Wild Child (#2.11)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: [Louis arrives late to a meeting with politician Eileen's new image consultant] Hey, guys, what'd I miss?
Eileen Stevens: What did you do to your hair?
Louis Stevens: [his hair appears to be full of leaves and tiny branches] My hair... Isn't it cool? It's my Science Fair project. I planted seeds and now I'm growing vegetables. Look right here, look, look, look: this is radishes, this row, right, and this is carrots.
Louis Stevens: [he turns to the image consultant] You like sweet potatoes?
Steve Stevens: Louis! You are not walking around with a vegetable garden on your head while your mother is running for Secretary of State.

Louis Stevens: Ma, come on. You're a good kid. You are. Now, you messed up. But it happens! Alright?

Ren Stevens: What are you making?
Louis Stevens: It's called the Eco-Bot 2000.
Ren Stevens: Oh! What does it do?
Louis Stevens: Well, I don't know yet, but it's got the coolest name!

"Even Stevens: Uncle Chuck (#2.17)" (2001)
Steve Stevens: And where did you get that stupid hat?
Louis Stevens: What hat?
[Steve's head explodes]

Louis Stevens: Dad, get off the car! Don't lean on that nerdmobile. People will think it's ours.

Steve Stevens: Uncle Chuck is not your father. I am.
Louis Stevens: Too bad.

"Even Stevens: Hutch Boy (#3.10)" (2002)
Tom Gribalski: I don't understand why people have to pick on other people. I'd like to live in a world where there was less picking, and more hugging.
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty: Yeah, right.

Louis Stevens: That Lloyd Offler guy... 'Cause everything about him is Offler! Look at how he spells his name: L-L-O-Y-D.
Alan Twitty: What is up with those double L's?
Louis Stevens: It's crazy.
Tawny Dean: Maybe he pronounces it Low-loyd?

Louis Stevens: Hey, Blondie, how're you doing?
[realizes who it was]
Louis Stevens: Ren?

"Even Stevens: Family Picnic (#1.8)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: I came to tell you that I can't.
Steve Stevens: Can't what?
Louis Stevens: Can't, uh... can't, uh... can't, uh... Wait! Can't wait to win the race tomorrow! Yeah!

Steve Stevens: [at the family picnic, Louis is in an event where all the other kids are toddlers] How do you feel, son?
Louis Stevens: Well, I kind of feel like - like I'm the only one in this race that knows their time tables.

Alan Twitty: [Louis is practicing for the family picnic races, holding an egg on a spoon while walking home with Twitty and Tawny] Do you actually have to take this seriously?
Louis Stevens: My dad bought me a $400 racing spoon, man.
Alan Twitty: Aren't picnics supposed to be fun?
Louis Stevens: Fun? Are you kidding? I have nightmares of showing up at the race naked. And that's fine, it's just, I don't have any spoon.
Tawny Dean: Then why do it?
Alan Twitty: Yeah, Louis, why?
Louis Stevens: Well, it's hard to explain. I'm a Stevens, and we have a motto, you know: You dream it, you scheme it, and you cream it.

"Even Stevens: Quest for Coolness (#2.4)" (2001)
[Louis and Twitty are being hauled away by a security guard]
Louis Stevens: Look! A diversion!
Mall Secutiry Guard: Where?
[Louis and Twitty get away]

Alan Twitty: Hey, dude, your shoes are untied.
Louis Stevens: So?
Alan Twitty: So, you're gonna trip.
Louis Stevens: No, dude, it's just an urban myth, everybody says...
[Twitty tramples on his shoelace and he trips]

Ren Stevens: What are you doing here?
Louis Stevens: We're just trying to blend in.
Ren Stevens: [through gritted teeth] Blend in?
Louis Stevens: Yeah, security guard thinks we're the trouble makers.
Ren Stevens: Gosh, I wonder why.

"Even Stevens: Strictly Ballroom (#1.19)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: Listen, Ren, I know under article 4, I'm not supposed to talk to you tonight, but I thought you should know you have a tree growing out of your head.

Ren Stevens: It's really hard to like someone and not have them know how you feel.
Louis Stevens: Hm.
Ren Stevens: I know you can't relate to this now, but someday you will.
Louis Stevens: Well, you'd be surprised.

Zack Estrada: Hey, Lou, it is gonna be totally sick. Party starts at 8, we can just, you know, kick it 'til whenever.
Louis Stevens: [Louis wants to avoid the party, as he doesn't know how to dance] Yeah, well, uh, Zack, that sounds like a big, stinky pile of fun, but, uh, there's this documentary on the history of coleslaw that I can't miss.
Zack Estrada: Oh. Whatever.
Alan Twitty: [Twitty and Tawny join them] Hey, Zack, what's up, bro. Dude, I can't wait 'til your party tomorrow night, man.
Louis Stevens: Wait, you're goin'?
Alan Twitty: Yeah, last year was insane.
Zack Estrada: Oh, this year's gonna be better. My mom's pickin' up some major snackage.
Alan Twitty: All right.
Zack Estrada: Hey, Tawny, you ever try a jalapeño puff?
Tawny Dean: No, but I can't wait.
Zack Estrada: Ohhh, you are in for a treat.
Zack Estrada: [to Louis] Too bad you can't make it, dude.
Louis Stevens: [he begins to realize that Zack will putting some moves on Tawny, which doesn't set well] Wait, today's the fifth, right? Yeah, so that whole coleslaw documentary is next week, on the tenth. I can make it.

"Even Stevens: Hardly Famous (#3.11)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Tawny, check it out! Be careful, grab at the base.
Tawny Dean: What is this?
Alan Twitty: It's a Gum Blum.
Tom Gribalski: Very sophisticated.
Louis Stevens: Thank you, Tom. See, it's a pain staking process, we had to get that stuff off the floor...
Alan Twitty: Yes.
Louis Stevens: From the bathroom stall...
Tawny Dean: Wait! This is used gum?
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty: Oh yeah!
Tawny Dean: Ew!
[give it over to Tom, who throws it in the air. Twitty catches it in the last second]
Alan Twitty: Oh, that was close. Tawny, are you trying to give me a heart attack? We put over a 150 man hours into this baby.
Louis Stevens: He's stressed out, give him the neck rub!
[to Tawny]
Louis Stevens: You savage!

Louis Stevens: So, uh, listen. I just wanted to wish you good luck over at SACCY, and I'm sorry for goofing on you earlier. In fact, I think it's a cool thing.
Tawny Dean: Thanks. But I'm not going, I didn't make the cut.
Louis Stevens: Are they crazy? You were great! You were the best one!
Tawny Dean: Thanks, but it's okay, really. I don't mind staying here, with my... friends.
[Louis looks away, hurt]
Tawny Dean: I gotta go, 'cause my mom's picking me up.
Louis Stevens: [quietly] Alright.
Tawny Dean: Bye.

Ren Stevens: Uhm... You really stunk up there.
Louis Stevens: No, no, no! Not me. Tawny! Her audition was awesome.
Ren Stevens: Yeah, that's why she got accepted.
Louis Stevens: So she got accepted.
Ren Stevens: Mhm.
Louis Stevens: She got accepted?
Ren Stevens: Yeah, but she told me she wasn't going.
Louis Stevens: Why would she do that?
Ren Stevens: Louis... Take a wild guess.

"Even Stevens: Devil Mountain (#2.10)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: Please take your seats. First of all, I just wanna thank you guys for coming on such short notice. I really appreciate it.
Tawny Dean: What's going on? I mean, you paged me, like, ten times.
Louis Stevens: As you may have heard, yesterday Mr Twitty and I experienced what one would call a major dissing, courtesy of seventh grader: Mr Tom Gribalski.
Alan Twitty: I feel violated.
Louis Stevens: Friends just don't treat friends like that. We need to show this Mr Gribalski that revenge is swift! And oh, so sweet.
Alan Twitty: Sweet, Mr Stevens, very sweet. Why are we using last names?
Louis Stevens: [silently mouthing the words] I don't know.

Louis Stevens: Tom Gribalski, you just won the District's Chess Championship! What are you gonna do now?
Tom Gribalski: I'm gonna go get my windbreaker.

Eileen Stevens: [unloading groceries in the kitchen] Why do I have all this pizza? Louis...
Louis Stevens: Yes?
Eileen Stevens: When you knocked over that pyramid of beef stew cans, was that to distract me while they rang up a hundred and fifty dollars worth of frozen pizza?
Ren Stevens: OK, I could have gotten my hiking boots.
Louis Stevens: Sorry, sis. Listen. I'm on a four-slice-a-day habit, all right? Just, let's preheat the oven to four-fifty, and discuss this in a calm and reasonable manner.

"Even Stevens: Gutter Queen (#2.22)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: [in a flashback, Louis is accepting the award for winning the K-SAC Stinky Feet contest, sponsored by Stink-Away Foot Powder] I can't believe this! Wow, uh, wow! I wanna thank my mom, my dad... all my friends at school... oh, of course Miss Beazy, my third grade teacher who said I couldn't spell, but I did have smell!

Tawny Dean: Louis, I can't believe you brought your butler to school.
Louis Stevens: Well, frankly, I don't know how I got through my days without him.

Beans: Did you know that 'butler' has the word 'butt' in it?
Louis Stevens: Beans, get out of my house, Okay?
Beans: [defiant] My Mom said I could stay as long as I want.
Louis Stevens: Well, Beans, doesn't that tell you something?
Beans: Nope!

"Even Stevens: The Kiss (#3.1)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: You gotta understand, I tried to be mature and cool. And, and the next thing I know I'm up on stage wearing Tom's pants. Look, I'm really sorry.
Tawny Dean: So what are we supposed to do?
Louis Stevens: Let's just say one of us might not be ready for a relationship.

Tawny Dean: Hi.
Louis Stevens: [nervously] HI!
Tawny Dean: You look tired. Or something.
Louis Stevens: Uh... Yeah, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. You know, a lot of tossing and turning. Thinking a lot of... about a... a lot of stuff.
Tawny Dean: Yeah. Me too.
Louis Stevens: Yeah? What kind of stuff were you thinking about?
Tawny Dean: Uh, yesterday. Of what happened. In the cafeteria.
Louis Stevens: So...?
Tawny Dean: It was... very unexpected.
Louis Stevens: [disappointed] Oh.
Tawny Dean: Oh, but it was nice.
Louis Stevens: [smiles] Oh.
Tawny Dean: Look, Louis, I like you. I always have, since the first time I met you.
Louis Stevens: Well, why didn't you tell me? We could be kissing up a storm!
Tawny Dean: Well, I told myself that if it was meant to be, it would happen on its own. And it did. I've never had a boyfriend before.
Louis Stevens: [nervously laughs] Me neither!
[Tawny also laughs. Louis offers his hand, which Tawny takes, and they walk through the halls, hand in hand]

Coach Tugnut: First girlfriend?
Louis Stevens: Yep.
Coach Tugnut: Get ready for a lifetime of pain.

"Even Stevens: Thin Ice (#2.7)" (2001)
Tawny Dean: Hey. Where is Twitty?
Louis Stevens: He sprained his ankle when we chased after that limo.
Tawny Dean: You know, I really thought that you guys would give up on me once we hit the freeway.
Louis Stevens: Listen, I gotta tell you something. You and your dad... you guys really taught me a valuable lesson. I'm through with prank calls. I mean, I know you were just playing, but... they could really ruin someone's life.
Tawny Dean: Wow, Louis, I'm impressed... I mean, that's a side of you I've never seen before.
Louis Stevens: Well. You gotta roll sometimes, you know. Do you wanna skate with me?
Tawny Dean: Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.

[Louis is dreaming about him and Tawny ice skating. Suddenly, he rips her foot off with his blade. He wakes up, screaming]
Louis Stevens: [calms down] Cool.

"Even Stevens: Dirty Work (#3.14)" (2002)
Tawny Dean: Lumber-Lou, tell us again how you came up with the idea for the Lumberclub?
Louis Stevens: Sure thing, Lumber-Tawn! Well, 'bout two weeks ago, when these kids were much younger, everyone was signing for clubs. Anyone could get 218 dollars to form a club, as long as they had 50 signatures.
[on camp, to another student]
Louis Stevens: Why don't you sign these papers for a good cause?
[to the Lumberclub]
Louis Stevens: Once I had those signatures, I thought for myself: "What kinda club should I create?" Well, that's when I remembered my deep and loyale love for the pancake. Well, the pancake has always been the official food for the Lumberjacks.
Alan Twitty: I love that story.
Tawny Dean: Here's a little one for Jack, guys.
Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski: Yeah.
[uniting their hands]
Tawny Dean, Louis Stevens, Alan Twitty, Tom Gribalski: LUMBERJACK! Woah!
Ren Stevens: [in the background] I should've known you had something to do with this.

Ren Stevens: So, what exactly do you do?
Louis Stevens: Uh, the club? Oh! Pshh, all kind of stuff. Tons of stuff, to mention... I mean, we, uh... We talk about, you know... topics.
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: Topics!
Louis Stevens: Lumberjack topics. And Lumberjack Lore!
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: The Lore!
Alan Twitty: You gotta love the Lore!
Louis Stevens: A lot of Lores. Uh... We sing Lumberjack songs too, you know.
Alan Twitty, Tawny Dean, Tom Gribalski: Songs!
Ren Stevens: Oh, songs!
Louis Stevens: Yeah.
Ren Stevens: Oh, really?
Louis Stevens: Yep.
Ren Stevens: You know, I would love to hear one.
Louis Stevens: One of, uh... our songs?
Ren Stevens: Yeah!
Louis Stevens: Um... Twitty?
Alan Twitty: Uh... Yeah!
[sets his flute to his mouth. All the club members starts to sing with different lyrics and different tones]
Ren Stevens: Stop! That had to be the worst Lumberjack song I've ever, EVER heard.
Tom Gribalski: Sorry, I was a little bit off key there. I got some syrup down my throat.

"Even Stevens: Take My Sister... Please (#1.3)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: I was thinking about that time when we were little and all that stuff we used to do.
Ren Stevens: No.
Louis Stevens: Yeah. We were inseparable.
Ren Stevens: Oh, that's right, that's right. We shared a playpen, and you vomited on me.
Louis Stevens: Hm. Happy, happy times.

[Louis is the only one applauding after Tawny's performance in the talent show]
Principal Conrad Wexler: Did you understand that?
Louis Stevens: Not a word. But, boy, is she hot, huh?

"Even Stevens: Ren-Gate (#2.19)" (2002)
Alan Twitty: Detention? Woah, come on, man! This is us, we're your friends.
Louis Stevens: Twitty... I am the only line of defence between you and this jungle!
Tawny Dean: Jungle? What jungle? Two hours ago, we were laughing about this stuff!
Louis Stevens: Well, we're not laughing now, are we?

Louis Stevens: So, Twitty, what is *the* most annoying part of your day?
Alan Twitty: Ahhh, pretending to shower after gym class?
Louis Stevens: Yes. Yes. No, no, that's wrong. See, what I think it is, is the countless minutes we spend each and every day between classes, opening up our lockers. Y'know, you gotta turn it right, you gotta turn it left, you gotta turn it right again...
Alan Twitty: [getting enthused] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then, and then, you know, you got all those stupid numbers that you have to memorize...
Louis Stevens: Exactly. That's what I'm talkin' about. That's why I have invented the remote-control locker opener. Check that out.
[he shows Twitty his new device]
Alan Twitty: Sa-weet. So what are we gonna do with all this extra time?... You know what? I'm gonna learn Italian.
Louis Stevens: [nonplussed, but trying to remain positive] Right! You could learn, um, Italian. Allow me to demonstrate. Watch this.
Principal Conrad Wexler: [he points the device, and his locker opens, hitting Principal Wexler square in the nose] Owwww, what in tarnation...
Alan Twitty: Ciao, Luigi.
[he leaves quickly]

"Even Stevens: Shutterbugged (#2.2)" (2001)
Ren Stevens: Oh, hey, Louis! Noticing anything different?
[Louis looks unsure what to answer]
Ren Stevens: No braces...?
Louis Stevens: Oh, no bra... Right! Sorry, I was distracted by your cheeks.
Ren Stevens: Why would you be distracted by my cheeks?
Louis Stevens: Because it looks like you're smuggling meatballs from the cafeteria.
[holds up the locker mirror to her. Ren looks at it]
Ren Stevens: [upset] Oh my god, I look like a...
Louis Stevens: Blowfish.

Louis Stevens: [school pictures arrive, and Louis gets a look at his] It's the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen in my life.
Eileen Stevens: [Mom looks, and sees a portrait of Louis smiling pleasantly for the camera] Oh, now, Louis, you look very handsome in this picture.
Louis Stevens: I made the best shaved-dog-butt face, and this hack totally missed it.

"Even Stevens: Love and Basketball (#2.9)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: [firing up his basketball team] We're gonna finish 'em off, because this is our house, and we're gonna show them who their daddy is, alright? It's spanking time! Hands in, hands in! 1-2-3... DINGOES! Get out there, get out there!

Donnie Stevens: [Louis runs a floor-waxer on the court during the Dingoes basketball practice] Louis!
Louis Stevens: Yeah, bro?
Donnie Stevens: What are you doing here?
Louis Stevens: Oh, well, I'm helping out Gus, the Janitor. I always get bored during that odd hour between detention and dinner.

"Even Stevens: After Hours (#1.13)" (2000)
Louis Stevens: Ren... You said if I wanted to borrow something, I had to ask. Right? So, can I borrow your laptop?
Ren Stevens: [asleep] Mm.
Louis Stevens: Hmm. Are you sure?
Ren Stevens: M-mm.
Louis Stevens: Oh yeah? Thanks, Ren.

Louis Stevens: Oh, you must get this all the time, but you know who you look like? You look a lot like that Ren Stevens.
Ren Stevens: Louis...
Louis Stevens: Oh, this... This is unbelievable! You sound like her too!

"Even Stevens: Duck Soup (#2.3)" (2001)
Chef Pierre: Zere iss my canard... I've been looking all over for my canard.
Louis Stevens: [to the duck, whom Louis has named Seymour] Hey, don't worry about it, don't be scared. It's just a guy in a big hat looking for his canard.
Ren Stevens: Y'know, I hate to tell you this, but, uh, "canard" is French for duck.
Louis Stevens: So?
Ren Stevens: Seymour is going to be eaten for dinner.
Chef Pierre: [he calls his assistant to bring the knife] Rodney...
Louis Stevens: No, no, you're not, no, I'm sorry, uh, you have a better chance of cookin' me, buddy.
Chef Pierre: Oh, zat can be arranged.
Donnie Stevens: Hey, lookit here, cheffie. Nobody's cookin' my brother or his duck.

Steve Stevens: Good night, Ren.
Ren Stevens: Good night, Donnie.
Donnie Stevens: Good night, Mom.
Eileen Stevens: Good night, Louis.
Louis Stevens: Good night, Seymour.
[the duck quacks]

"Even Stevens: Little Mr. Sacktown (#3.6)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: Why is that kid wearing a leash?
Alan Twitty: Maybe he bites.

Beans: Louis, I know you always wanted a crown.
Alan Twitty: What, you did?
Louis Stevens: Uh, well, yeah, it's a long story.
Beans: I want you to have this one.
Louis Stevens: Beans... No, man. You worked too hard for it.
Beans: Okay.
Louis Stevens: No, no, Beans, I was being polite.
Beans: Too late, 'cause now, you lose.
Louis Stevens: No, give me that crown! BEEEEEAAAANS!

"Even Stevens: The King Sloppy (#3.12)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: [as Mike Hageman] On second thought, my bladder's only half full, or half empty... depending on your world view.

Alan Twitty: [mops the floor at the burger shop] Well, Mike... I guess this didn't work out the way we thought it would, Mike! Heh-heh-heh.
Louis Stevens: Yeah, man, the... The Mike thing is really not that funny anymore.

"Even Stevens: Tight End in Traction (#2.20)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: You're knocking the stuffing out of my mattress!
Donnie Stevens: We're trying to, baby!

"Even Stevens: Head Games (#2.8)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: Twitty, you're in the spotlight. You're the Man. The big papa with the big moppa!

"Even Stevens: The Big Splash (#3.15)" (2002)
Coach Tugnut: [getting Louis ready for the swim meet] Y'know, Stevens, I'm glad you joined the team.
Louis Stevens: Really?
Coach Tugnut: Yeah, you don't stink so bad.
Louis Stevens: Thanks, Coach. Always an inspiration.

"Even Stevens: Your Toast (#3.4)" (2002)
Louis Stevens: [shouting] REN, THAT TOAST IS ON FIRE!

"Even Stevens: Almost Perfect (#1.20)" (2001)
Louis Stevens: You've been my sister basically all my life, right?
Ren Stevens: That's just brilliant, Louis. What's your point?
Louis Stevens: Did you ever... Do you wanna be normal?
Ren Stevens: Normal? What do you mean, normal?
Louis Stevens: Well, you always try to be perfect and everything.
Ren Stevens: What's wrong with being perfect?
Louis Stevens: It's not normal.