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: So, if those boys didn't do it, does that mean this is an open investigation? I'm only asking because my sister and I are supposed to go Christmas shopping today. Amy Sykes
: And my family just arrived two hours ago because... Louie Provenza
: Look, I know that we were scheduled to take this week off for the holidays. Now, don't blame me because we have a victim. Blame Flynn.
: Hey, Lieutenant, someone just swiped one of the victim's credit cards at the Target in Westwood. Store security's holding him for us. Buzz Watson
: At least someone's getting their holiday shopping done.
: Hey, Sanchez, what'd this guy buy at Target? Julio Sanchez
: Electric train set, sir. Alex Bennett
: [on the monitor screen
] And we've got two little boys. I only used that credit card to buy them one thing, so they'd have something to open from Santa. Buzz Watson
: Oh, my God. I didn't think it was possible but... Christmas just got more depressing.
: I just went through a divorce myself. My ex has our son till January. Guess you can say, now I know how the shoe feels on the other foot. Thought I'd spend the holidays with my dad since we're both a little on our own now. Buzz Watson
: It's one horrible Christmas story after another.
: Los Angeles finally gets the rain it needs, so, naturally, we end up down the drain. Louie Provenza
: Doesn't bother me. I'm down here all the time. Andy Flynn
: You are? Louie Provenza
: After four wives and five divorces, down the drain is where I come to visit my money... and more than a few of my dreams. Buzz Watson
: Your dreams? Well, that explains the darkness.
: Except the baby might not belong to the Glovers after all. They weren't the only couple Heather was writing to about him. Louie Provenza
: What are you talking about, Buzz? Buzz Watson
: She was sending two other couples e-mail updates of her pregnancy. Sharon Raydor
: The Hunts and the Maguires.
] Craig Richwood
: Sharon, Rusty, the adoption process is now complete. As of this moment, you are officially and legally a family. Congratulations and thanks for asking me to do the honors.
[all crap their hands, chatter and laugh
] Buzz Watson
: Congratulations. Rusty Beck
: Thanks. Thanks, Buzz. Thank you. Thank you.
: And the only reason that you are riding along with us is to see if you can be a team player and follow directions, and so far, Mr. Beck, you are doing a crappy job. Rusty Beck
: Let's have it. Louie Provenza
: Stay in the hall. Rusty Beck
: [to Buzz after Provenza exits
] Geez. Why is he being so rude? Buzz Watson
: Not following orders is worse than being rude. If you want the captain to sign papers approving your participation in an SIS operation, you better do what the lieutenant says. Rusty Beck
: Bu... but just standing here is boring. Buzz Watson
: You expect us all to be fascinated with your life, but you never take the smallest interest in other people. Rusty Beck
: I do so take an interest in other people. I do that all the time. Buzz Watson
: All the time? Really? Rusty Beck
: Yeah. Buzz Watson
: So tell me, why did Lieutenant Provenza become a detective? What was Mike Tao going to do before he started working Homicides? The reason you can't answer those questions is because you never ask people about themselves - ever. Not even how they're doing in the morning. Rusty Beck
: Well, I don't have to ask how you're doing because you're, like, obviously in a really bad mood. Buzz Watson
: No. I'm disappointed... again.
: These guys really killed that 15-year-old kid, Tyler, just to make an example out of him? Amy Sykes
: Sounds horrible. I've seen worse. Rusty Beck
: Where did you see worse? Amy Sykes
: Kabul. While I was an MP - stands for Military Police - we had interpreters, locals, and they were murdered sometimes for helping us, just to show what would happen to Afghans who supported our troops. Rusty Beck
: Military Police? Is that how you became a cop? Amy Sykes
: Police officer, you mean? I went ahead and got my undergrad in political science. Turns out chasing bad guys is a lot more fun than arguing about government. Working Homicide, it's clearer who the bad guys are. Couldn't always stop them in Kabul. Here I can. Best job in the world.
: The, um... the approval papers. Sharon just signed them. Buzz Watson
: Well, congratulations. You didn't screw it up. Rusty Beck
: Well, maybe, uh, this is how I get MY start. Although I can't imagine ever working here for a living.
] Rusty Beck
: Hey, you know, I talked to everyone else about it, but I never got to you. I mean, you're... you're part of the squad, right? Buzz Watson
: Uh, yeah. Rusty Beck
: Well, so, what made you decide to work here? Buzz Watson
: When I was eleven years old, my father and uncle were leaving a Kings game, stopped at an ATM on the way home, and were both robbed and shot to death. Rusty Beck
: Oh, my God. Buzz, I... I am so sorry. Buzz Watson
: Yeah. So I thought, like Julio, I'd join the academy, become a detective one day, track down the killers myself, but my mother was terrified something would happen to me and then there'd be no one left to take care of her, so I got my film degree instead. Now here I am, directing an important movie every day of the week, helping rescue those we can. Maybe rescuing ourselves a little, if we're totally honest about it. Rusty Beck
: Yeah, I m... I might be doing that. Huh. Rescuing myself. Buzz Watson
: Well, that's what we're all hoping.
: You want me to go out there and pretend to be Lieutenant Tao? Brenda Leigh Johnson
: Yes. Exactly. Buzz Watson
: Do I have to over-explain everything? Mike Tao
: You're Michael Tao? Buzz Watson
: That's "Lieutenant" Michael Tao. Louie Provenza
: He's adopted.
: Is what we're doing even legal? Andy Flynn
: Look, we're law enforcement and we're doing it, so that makes it legal, heh-heh-heh.
: Yeah, yeah, I'm off duty and I flashed my badge. I flashed it. Sue me. Buzz Watson
: I would, but I don't want another body landing on my car.
: You don't consider the murder of Santa Claus to be a major crime? Because in my reserve training class... Louie Provenza
: Buzz, the first thing you have to learn as a backup police officer is how not to get emotionally caught up in the crime, uh, which, in this case, is over. The circle is closed. Sharon Raydor
: Lieutenant Provenza? Andy Flynn
: The circle reopens. Louie Provenza
: Captain... oh, and your whole family. What a wonderful surprise. Sharon Raydor
: Is it? I've been calling you.
: You can't think of anything that will remove this color? Dr. Morales
: I'm sorry. It'll wear off in a few days. Buzz Watson
: A few... Dr. Morales
: Hey, at least the green is seasonal.
: So, what did Malibu Barbie have to say for herself? Buzz Watson
: So far, it's classic teenager. Louie Provenza
: She was only trying to help. "I never told Lina anything." "I don't know how she found out about what was going on." Sharon Raydor
: As far as classic teenage behavior goes, I'm feeling a little overexposed. It's time to cut through all this crap.
[walks out from the room
] Louie Provenza
: Did she just say "crap"?
] Louie Provenza
: My, oh, my.
: Oh, hey, Sykes, I forgot. Cooper stopped by earlier and said he was gonna be late to dinner. Amy Sykes
: I'm not going to dinner with Lt. Cooper. Andy Flynn
: I'm surprised you guys ever came back from surveillance. Buzz Watson
: You're dating Cooper? Rusty Beck
: People don't know that yet? Amy Sykes
: There is nothing to know. Mike Tao
: Oh, let the girl be happy. Louie Provenza
: Or, as happy as anyone can be in a relationship. Good night, everybody. I hope to see none of you before morning. Rusty Beck
: Well, uh, but, actually, could you wait just a second? I wanted to ask all of you a question. Would it bother any of you, or... w-would any of you think differently about me if I... if I said... if I said I was gay? Mike Tao
: Oh, you're gay? Buzz Watson
: We did not know that. Andy Flynn
: I think after we get past the initial shock...
] Louie Provenza
: Julio, this is serious. The answer is, if you told us you were gay, we'd think that you trusted us more, and then we would trust YOU more. Did you hear that, Sykes? Amy Sykes
: Oh, my God. I'm dating Lieutenant Cooper. There, are you happy? Andy Flynn
: I knew it! Mike Tao
: Ha-ha-ha. Pay up, Buzz. Buzz Watson
: Give me a second. Louie Provenza
: Sykes, you do know that you have to inform the captain? Amy Sykes
: I did, which is how you knew. Rusty Beck
: No. No, no, no. I knew because I saw the two of you outside of SOB. I was heading in for therapy appointment with Dr. Joe, and you were dropping Lieutenant Cooper off... out front. Amy Sykes
: You didn't say anything. Rusty Beck
: Well, you guys were making out. What was I supposed to say?
: Uh, Buzz, would you mind, uh, escorting Lauren into the electronics room while we have our briefing? Buzz Watson
: Not at all. Louie Provenza
: Thanks, man. Oh, oh, and, Buzz, ahem, why don't you, uh... why don't you show her one of my old interviews? Buzz Watson
: Sure. How about the one with you and John Wilkes Booth?
: You should watch how you kiss her. Your gun almost went off. Louie Provenza
: You have no idea.
Detective Amy Sykes
: Welcome to Lost Horizon, also known as the land that time forgot. Detective Julio Sanchez
: Hope we get in and out before the place falls down. Buzz Watson
: If I close my eyes, I can hear the bulldozers. Lt. Louie Provenza
: Hey, just because something's old doesn't mean it's not serving a good purpose.
: [handing over the Shangrila security camera
] Be careful. It's an antique. Lt. Mike Tao
: Ugh. If you look through this lens, you can probably see Barnaby Jones.
: This bum was a child star? Buzz Watson
: Before he got mixed up in drugs, J-ME had his own television series, records, concerts. Amy Sykes
: He was incredibly hot. Louie Provenza
: Yeah, well, now he's barely room temperature.
Brenda Leigh Johnson
: [viewing robbery footage
] They wait for someone to leave. Why don't they enter directly? Buzz Watson
: Most marijuana dispensaries have electronic security doors that only unlock from the inside. Louie Provenza
: And you know this because...? Buzz Watson
: My mom has a prescription for pot. Brenda Leigh Johnson
: Oh. What's wrong with her? Buzz Watson
: She has insomnia and glaucoma. I-I have to guide her to the door sometimes. Andy Flynn
: Ever buy anything? Julio Sanchez
: How do you think he got the name "Buzz?"
: Do NOT... leave this room! Buzz Watson
: Why not? Louie Provenza
: Because Sgt. Gabriel is about to make a break in the case.
: We didn't record anything in the good old days and still made our cases. Buzz Watson
: But now that the dinosaurs are extinct... Louie Provenza
: Can't you just fire him?
Lt. Louie Provenza
: If he was such a famous film director, how come I've never heard of him? Buzz Watson
: He makes talkies, sir.
: I want to go BIG. I mean, this could be my very last marriage. Buzz Watson
: How many times have you said that before?
] God. Watching other people gamble. How fun.
: What did this man look like? Mr. Tariiji
: White. Thirty, thirty-five. Louie Provenza
: Thirty, thirty-five? That could be anyone. Buzz Watson
: Not you.
: Toss up who she hates more, us or her husband. Buzz Watson
: How do people stay married when they don't get along like this? Sharon Raydor
: I asked myself that for years.
: Do you know how many people would give anything to hear those words, "Your loved one is all right"? Buzz Watson
: It doesn't always work out that way.
: If someone doesn't shut him up... Mr. Baird
: What, Mr. Moneybags? Are you gonna take away my polo privileges, huh? Are you gonna hide your Grey Poupon? Mr. Kleiner
: I should've poisoned you instead of Marcella. Mr. Baird
: Buzz? Buzz Watson
: I got it. I got it. Sharon Raydor
: I think we can classify that as a spontaneous utterance.
: Who is that woman? Sharon Raydor
: According to the visitors' log, her name is Maria Flores, and under "relationship" she put down "girlfriend." Buzz Watson
: "Girlfriend." She's, like, half his age. Louie Provenza
: Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.
: Feel free to help me, Lieutenant, since you're just standing there.
Lt. Louie Provenza
: Mm, normally I'd throw him back in prison, but old Speedy might have seen something useful last night. D.D.A. Emma Rios
: Oh, God. Don't you just love gang cases? Detective Julio Sanchez
: I don't think this is gangs. D.D.A. Emma Rios
: Why? The vehicle was found in gang territory with a gang weapon in the back seat. Detective Julio Sanchez
: Nobody would have left the car on the street like that... D.D.A. Emma Rios
: Speedy and his Third Streeters... I'm not finished! Speedy and his Third Streeters, they think it was gangs. It was a drive-by. Plus, I... Detective Julio Sanchez
: Plus, you need to watch your mouth. D.D.A. Emma Rios
: Excuse me? Detective Julio Sanchez
: Did you grow up sleeping on the floor every night so you wouldn't get hit by gunfire? Anyone in your family shot dead on the street? You spend fifteen years of your career hunting these guys? It's not gangs! And you stop talkin' to me like I'm your waiter.
[gets out of the room
] D.D.A. Emma Rios
: Wow. Does he always get that... that... that-that hostile? Lt. Louie Provenza
: Mm, hmm. Actually, Emma, I think what he was trying to say, in his own way, was don't be so damn rude. Excuse me.
[gets out of the room
] D.D.A. Emma Rios
: I wasn't rude. I was... Buzz Watson
: Obnoxious? Dismissive? Lt. Mike Tao
: So, what's your theory of the crime?
: How many people work here? Buzz Watson
: About half.
Captain Sharon Raydor
: "Write about the person in your life who has influenced you the most." Buzz Watson
: I proofed it. Just read the first line. Captain Sharon Raydor
: Okay. "From the day I finally learned to tie my shoes, the person who has exercised the most influence in my life is me."
] Captain Sharon Raydor
: Oh. Rusty Beck
: What? It's true.
: Instead of demanding your own way, why not give Patrice the wedding she asked for, which was a very...? Louie Provenza
: Are you seriously suggesting that I walk across the street to City Hall and get married during my lunch hour? Buzz Watson
: Oh, good. You remember what she wanted.
: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I-I applied for this federal grant to upgrade our surveillance equipment, and I think I got it but I need help translating this letter. Mike Tao
: What language is it in? Buzz Watson
: Government. Louie Provenza
: Ah, yeah. Here, Buzz. I read government.
: What will happen to the boy? Louie Provenza
: He can't just walk away. He endangered lives. Fritz Howard
: He shouldn't spend the next ten years in prison just for trying to protect a parent. Sharon Raydor
: His impulse was right. It's the way he acted on it that requires the response. Louie Provenza
: Bad impulse control. That's what keeps us all in business. Welcome to the L.A.P.D., soon-to-be Deputy Chief Howard. Welcome to the L.A.P.D.
Lt. Mike Tao
: Hey, Andy, about this cleanse... I think I figured out where all your energy's coming from. Lt. Andy Flynn
: Yeah, I told you, it's the Gingko Balboa. Buzz Watson
: And the caffeine. Lt. Andy Flynn
: No way. Give me that. Lt. Mike Tao
: It's right there. Fourth ingredient. Lt. Andy Flynn
: What? That cute girl in the health food store, she said that the...
[Tao and Buzz laugh
] Lt. Andy Flynn
: Oh, I'm glad my trying to improve my health amuses you guys so much. Cynical jerks.
: Buzz, let me film the body. Buzz Watson
: It's my job. Lt. Andy Flynn
: Trust me. It's nothing you need to see.
: [about their reticent suspect
] Maybe he's the strong silent type. Louie Provenza
: Yeah, but does he speak softly and carry a big tire iron?
Brenda Leigh Johnson
: [examining the recording device from the victim's chest
] Is it one of ours? Buzz Watson
: Well, that's hard to tell. I mean, you can buy this at any electronics store, though this one looks brand new. Andy Flynn
: Well, there's your answer. If it's new, it can't be LAPD.
: [sees "Application for Retirement" form on his desk
] What is this? Some kind of a joke? Louie Provenza
: Heh, you... you didn't print up a retirement application? Mike Tao
: Oh, that's mine. Forgot all about it, and it's not about retiring. It's about the deferred pension program. My business manager wants to check it out.
] Julio Sanchez
: Deferred pension? Buzz Watson
: What is that? Mike Tao
: Well, ideally, you put away more money from your paycheck, so you can save it tax-free until you retire. Amy Sykes
: What... what, you have a business manager? Mike Tao
: Well, he deals mainly with my consulting fees from "Badge of Justice". Andy Flynn
: Oh, my God, how much do you make on the show anyway? Mike Tao
: Well, my business manager said I shouldn't talk about it. Louie Provenza
: Wait, wait, wait, so you're not thinking about calling it quits? Andy Flynn
: Of course I think about it. Every day. But the truth is... I've given up so much of my life for this job, including a decent relationship with my children and most of my faith in the human race, that there's... no place else on earth that I fit in. Louie Provenza
: Now, that's the right attitude.
: Can I come in yet? Buzz Watson
: No. I told you to stay at my desk until I'm done and then I'll look over your exam... Rusty Beck
: Hey, "no" is enough. It's not like I'm desperate to spend time with you.