Mike Tao
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Quotes for
Mike Tao (Character)
from "The Closer" (2005)

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"Major Crimes: Under the Influence (#2.3)" (2013)
Detective Julio Sanchez: So, uh, Andrews? This TV show that you and Lieutenant Mike write for...
Lt. Mike Tao: I'm not the writer, I'm the technical advisor.
Jason Andrews: Right. Uh, Lieutenant Mike is just making sure that we follow rules and regulations and we use police jargon.
Detective Julio Sanchez: Okay. So what's this show about?
Jason Andrews: Uh, it's called "Badge of Justice," and it's about a small team of detectives fighting crime and corruption inside the LAPD.
Detective Julio Sanchez: [pause] What corruption?
Jason Andrews: Oh, you know, the usual - beating up suspects, planting evidence, uh, taking bribes, racial profiling...

Detective Julio Sanchez: Do you have a wife? Huh? I'm going to arrest her. You have a dog? I'm gonna kill it!
Lt. Mike Tao: [to Jason] He probably doesn't even have a dog.

Jason Andrews: [during a high speed chase] Uh, Det. Sanchez, if it's "s-safety first"...
Lt. Mike Tao: [observing traffic at intersections] Clear.
Jason Andrews: ...shouldn't you be wearing your seatbelt?
Detective Julio Sanchez: No.
Lt. Mike Tao: Clear. Clear.
Jason Andrews: It's, like, the law, though, right?
Detective Julio Sanchez: If somebody shoots at us, I wanna get out of the car, maybe jump out of the way. Seatbelts can get you killed.
[Jason moves to remove his seatbelt]
Detective Julio Sanchez: Don't do that.
Jason Andrews: Why not?
Lt. Mike Tao: If you hurt yourself through a crash, we have liability issues.
Detective Julio Sanchez: But if you get shot, we're off the hook, 'cause you signed a release.

Jason Andrews: So now you can arrest this guy.
Lt. Mike Tao: For what?
Jason Andrews: He's covered in human blood.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Which is not a crime; but, he left his trunk lid in the street littering, reckless driving, and without a license, and perhaps he didn't use his signal when turning.
Amy Sykes: Three or more moving violations while refusing to pull over, that's felony evasion. Great idea, Captain.

"The Closer: High Crimes (#6.12)" (2010)
Mike Tao: See, Provenza? A lot of 'em aren't hippies!
Louie Provenza: Yeah, well, I promise you, Tao, in every one of their closets, somewhere, there's a tie-dyed shirt.

Fritz Howard: Why can't you let the undercover detectives handle this?
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Because I want these guys alive and SIS shoots first and asks questions never. And I'll be sittin' in a surveillance van the whole time, anyhow.
Fritz Howard: And the surveillance van's gonna be parked three blocks away.
[Brenda nods]
Fritz Howard: [insistently] Eh, and the surveillance van is going to be parked...
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Oh, for Heaven's sakes, the surveillance van will be parked three blocks away.
Fritz Howard: Thank you.
[hands Brenda her glass of champagne]
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Thank you.
[on stakeout the next day]
Brenda Leigh Johnson: [sighs] Can we move the van a little closer?
Mike Tao: Not without going inside.

Greg Lapham: Uh, don't treat me like an idiot. Worked on a law show for two years.
Mike Tao: Well, it must not have been a very good one.

"Major Crimes: Cutting Loose (#3.8)" (2014)
Katherine 'Kiki' Weinberger: You travel with bolt cutters?
Mike Tao: Never know when you might need 'em.

Sharon Raydor: Let me guess. The title transfer was denied.
Mike Tao: Because there was no bill of sale and the owner, Zelda Lembeck, was not present.
Andy Flynn: Probably 'cause she was dead.
Louie Provenza: But her husband couldn't prove that... Oh! It was the husband who was trying to sell the car, wasn't it?
Mike Tao: So it would seem.
Louie Provenza: Ba-dum!
Sharon Raydor: If you say "It's always the husband," at every murder, you're bound to get it right now and then.

Mike Tao: Well, look around, Rusty, 'cause you're gettin' some pretty special treatment yourself, and from where you were a few years ago, this outcome is remarkable, and we're very proud of you, and we're hoping what we're doing here will help inspire you a little when you head out there. Besides, every once in a while, we accomplish something that's worthy of a handshake.
[shakes Rusty's hand]

"Major Crimes: Year-End Blowout (#2.17)" (2013)
Lt. Reed: Here's what we know: A vehicle exploded at 11:34 hours. Blast pattern indicates an inciting reaction with extremely high deflagration.
[Provenza shows puzzled look]
Mike Tao: He means it was definitely a bomb.
Lt. Reed: And in mapping the geography of the debris field back to the blast point, the device was likely anterior to the fuel tank, piggybacked on to the solenoid.
Mike Tao: The bomb had a trigger.
Louie Provenza: Well, where is the trigger?
Lt. Reed: We haven't been able to fully access the evidence.
Mike Tao: They haven't, uh, found the trigger.

Lt. Reed: Rather than drive through the streets, towing an incendiary device on the back of our vehicle, we'll perform a forced detonation in the containment truck.
Mike Tao: He means we're blowing up the bomb.

"Major Crimes: Two Options (#3.7)" (2014)
Gloria Lim: Doesn't Linda Lanier have a cell phone? Why don't we just call her and ask her where she is and the name of her fiancé.
Mike Tao: Her phone is off the grid.
Gloria Lim: Are you treating the mother as a suspect? Because we were told you were checking out sex offenders...
Sharon Raydor: I have to take exception to the way we're being interrupted here.
Russell Taylor: Gloria...
Ann McGinnis: Allow me, Captain, Chief. I-I deal with all the city-attorney bullshit on a daily basis now. Gloria, is it? Listen. There was no forced entry at our victims' house, both of whom were shot in the head at close range. And though we can't rule out sex offenders, it sill means the Laniers were likely murdered by someone they knew. And if it was not an execution, it was probably a domestic dispute, making the mother and her unidentified fiancé suspects. And when children get abducted, the L.A.P.D. is not legally required to notify parents.
Gloria Lim: The law may not demand it, but it's still actionable. And mothers do not need to abduct their own kids, which, if you had children yourself, you'd understand.
Ann McGinnis: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
Gloria Lim: That the reason you're against contacting Linda Lanier is that you don't have children yourself.
Sharon Raydor: Anymore.
Gloria Lim: What?
Sharon Raydor: Commander McGinnis doesn't have children anymore.
Gloria Lim: Um, I don't understand.
Russell Taylor: The commander's daughter and husband were killed in a car accident four years ago.
Gloria Lim: I, um... I thought, I-I was told...
Gloria Lim: I'm so sorry.

Louie Provenza: Ah, Captain, we waited at the hospital till Julio's mother got there, then we left.
Sharon Raydor: I'm still going. How is he?
Mike Tao: He's upset.
Sharon Raydor: From the... the pain?
Louie Provenza: No. His mother. She drives him crazy. And he just bought that suit.
Andy Flynn: Spent a lot of money on it, for him.

"Major Crimes: Flight Risk (#3.1)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: What's going on in here, Tao?
Mike Tao: Every once in a while, when I'm working at night, I like to stop and smell the chlorine, especially when there's no sign of an indoor pool. Someone has cleaned this room with a lot of bleach, recently.

Mike Tao: A lot of blood.
Sharon Raydor: I know, but if I question Cynthia Logan before we can properly connect her to the evidence, she could lawyer up, and I don't even know what crime we're investigating yet, and that is the problem. Is it a kidnapping? Is it a homicide? Is it a critical missing?

"Major Crimes: Return to Sender (#2.18)" (2014)
Mike Tao: Jesus Chavez was released from County two days ago after a month inside on a drug bust. Previously arrested for attempted murder, assault, gun charges. Did nine years for armed robbery.
Louie Provenza: Oh, so this Jesus was not the son of God.
Mike Tao: Hm, unlikely.

Mike Tao: It's called an authorship attribution program. You can download it for free on the internet, but before I explain what it is...
Mike Tao: [to Provenza] ... let me assure you that this is the short version.
Louie Provenza: Oh, boy.
Mike Tao: Basically, the program compares texts. It ranks words by their usage, particularly articles like "the" and prepositions like "or" and "to" - words that might seem inconsequential but, in fact, leave an authorial fingerprint on most any work; so, by taking a sampling of legal motions written by Stroh and comparing them to motions authored by Reyes...
Sharon Raydor: You can prove Stroh wrote them.
Mike Tao: According to the program, it's a 96% probability.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Unfortunately, this will not be considered evidence in court.
Sharon Raydor: We don't need it to be.

"Major Crimes: Backfire (#2.10)" (2013)
Judge Grove: This is textbook murder-for-hire. The defendant shows zero remorse, which is worse considering the girl's age, and now you're asking...
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Your Honor, the defendant...
Judge Grove: Don't interrupt me, Rios! You come in here asking for manslaughter and eleven years, reducible to seven? With good behavior? What the hell? What the hell?
Captain Sharon Raydor: Your Honor, we believe that Jason Goss is part of a larger criminal enterprise and we may...
Judge Grove: You believe. And do you have evidence to support that belief?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: We aren't taking him at his word, Your Honor.
Captain Sharon Raydor: If he doesn't provide us with the promised information, of course his deal goes away.
Judge Grove: And then does that 19-year-old girl return to life? Why isn't Goss facing the death penalty?
Lt. Mike Tao: Despite having DNA that links the defendant to the crime, we may not have the material evidence to secure a murder conviction with special circumstances...
Judge Grove: So, I'm supposed to accept this plea because you guys haven't done your job? No way. You want manslaughter, you come back with answers to all my questions. And don't even think about shopping for another judge, or you'll find out what I'm like when I'm really mad.

Judge Grove: The deal which Mr. Goss agreed to, includes revealing those targeted for murder, along with the workings of the larger criminal enterprise?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Yes, it does.
Judge Grove: Mr. Goss, given the issue of public safety, I will accept this plea. You are hereby remanded into state custody. Uh, now, DDA Rios, will I be seeing the driver of the car, this Cory Stark, in my courtroom as well?
Lt. Mike Tao: No, Your Honor, we regret to inform the court that Cory Stark was shot to death before we could take him into custody.
Jason Goss: Wait, what?
Detective Julio Sanchez: Mr. Stark was murdered yesterday afternoon. The FBI is holding several suspects. As part of their ongoing investigation, we've agreed to let them sort it out.
Jason Goss: You people lied to me.
Peter Page: All right. Take it easy.
Jason Goss: What do you mean take it...? You lied to me!

"Major Crimes: Zoo Story (#3.10)" (2014)
Mike Tao: Our lab found A-C-E-P-R-O-M-A-Z-I-N-E. Acepromazine, also called ACE or ACP, is used to sedate horses before surgery.

Mike Tao: WAIT! One second! The girl on the gurney, she was at the club the same night Kate Sherman was abducted.
Louie Provenza: What?
Ann McGinnis: You know, she doesn't look much like the other girls who went missing.
Mike Tao: Or like she was on a liquid diet.

"Major Crimes: Frozen Assets (#3.3)" (2014)
Mike Tao: Now, while we can't confirm Marcella was poisoned without a tissue sample, this is interesting. Marcella's medical records show she'd been suffered from an acute promyelocytic leukemia, a cancer of the white blood cells.
Louie Provenza: Nod. Can we audit this course?
Mike Tao: One of the treatments for APL is arsenic trioxide, which she'd taken intravenously.
Andy Flynn: You know, if the killer knew that Marcella was on an arsenic-based drug, maybe he or she thought that by adding more poison to her diet it wouldn't've shown up at the autopsy.

Mr. Baird: Could someone please explain how a killer confesses to a murder and then gets a deal for twenty-five years?
Mike Tao: If we'd gone to trial, our star witness would've been you.
Julio Sanchez: Juries don't like nutjobs.
Mr. Baird: Two hours ago, I felt like I was on top of the world. Right now, I feel very underappreciated.
Andy Flynn: Underappreciated, it's a way of life for us.
Amy Sykes: What do you know? Maybe you're a real detective after all.
Mr. Baird: Wow. I'm in the club, huh? Ha-ha-ha. Ah, well, awesome.

"Major Crimes: Rules of Engagement (#2.7)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm, normally I'd throw him back in prison, but old Speedy might have seen something useful last night.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Oh, God. Don't you just love gang cases?
Detective Julio Sanchez: I don't think this is gangs.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Why? The vehicle was found in gang territory with a gang weapon in the back seat.
Detective Julio Sanchez: Nobody would have left the car on the street like that...
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Speedy and his Third Streeters... I'm not finished! Speedy and his Third Streeters, they think it was gangs. It was a drive-by. Plus, I...
Detective Julio Sanchez: Plus, you need to watch your mouth.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Excuse me?
Detective Julio Sanchez: Did you grow up sleeping on the floor every night so you wouldn't get hit by gunfire? Anyone in your family shot dead on the street? You spend fifteen years of your career hunting these guys? It's not gangs! And you stop talkin' to me like I'm your waiter.
[gets out of the room]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Wow. Does he always get that... that... that-that hostile?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm, hmm. Actually, Emma, I think what he was trying to say, in his own way, was don't be so damn rude. Excuse me.
[gets out of the room]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: I wasn't rude. I was...
Buzz Watson: Obnoxious? Dismissive?
Lt. Mike Tao: So, what's your theory of the crime?

Captain Sharon Raydor: Excuse me, Javier. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Jackson Raydor: Javier, don't answer her questions. You cannot interrogate my client without violating his Miranda rights!
Captain Sharon Raydor: Detective, if Jack interrupts me again, would you please have him removed?
Jackson Raydor: What?
Detective Julio Sanchez: Javier, you cannot say anything because the charges against you have changed. We're no longer holding you for parole violations. We're arresting you as a suspect in the murder of Melissa Orr.
Captain Sharon Raydor: To avoid ethical conflicts, you need to know that I'm the officer in charge of this investigation, and your attorney is my husband, and I would think very seriously about having an attorney who's related by marriage...
Jackson Raydor: What? Sharon.
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: You're fired! I mean it! You're fired! Get out!
Jackson Raydor: Javier, you are making a big mistake.
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: I trusted you.
Jackson Raydor: I... You can trust me. I have your best interest at heart!
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: Just leave! Get out, man. You're fired! Leave!
Jackson Raydor: Please.
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: Leave me alone.
Jackson Raydor: You...
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: Get out!
Jackson Raydor: Please.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Now he has no attorney at all. How do we talk to him?
Lt. Mike Tao: Give us a moment. There's a ritual involved with suspects like this, and we need to follow it.

"Major Crimes: I, Witness (#2.4)" (2013)
Lt. Mike Tao: Meanwhile, if there're some phone calls you'd like to make?
Shampagne: My phone, finally. Maybe I can cancel some of these people before they think I stood them up.
[phone vibrates]
Shampagne: What did you do? It isn't working. It won't take my password. You people broke my phone!
Lt. Mike Tao: Let me see if I can fix it. It's made in China.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Flynn, be careful. Your blood pressure!
Lt. Andy Flynn: What? What the...? You just told the entire world that I have high blood pressure. Now everyone knows.
Lt. Louie Provenza: They didn't hear me. Nobody heard me, did they?
Lt. Mike Tao: I heard you.
Detective Julio Sanchez: You said "high blood pressure."
Detective Amy Sykes: Explains a lot. I mean, not everything, but a lot.
Lt. Andy Flynn: You see? What did I ask you?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Just take it easy. Yank on your ear lobe or something.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Don't tell me to take it easy, okay? I asked you to do one simple thing. Not tell anybody about my blood pressure! What do you do? You tell the world.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It just slipped out!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, really?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Really!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Really?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Really!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Really?
[falls down]

"Major Crimes: Do Not Disturb (#3.5)" (2014)
Julio Sanchez: Oh, hey, Sykes, I forgot. Cooper stopped by earlier and said he was gonna be late to dinner.
Amy Sykes: I'm not going to dinner with Lt. Cooper.
Andy Flynn: I'm surprised you guys ever came back from surveillance.
Buzz Watson: You're dating Cooper?
Rusty Beck: People don't know that yet?
Amy Sykes: There is nothing to know.
Mike Tao: Oh, let the girl be happy.
Louie Provenza: Or, as happy as anyone can be in a relationship. Good night, everybody. I hope to see none of you before morning.
Rusty Beck: Well, uh, but, actually, could you wait just a second? I wanted to ask all of you a question. Would it bother any of you, or... w-would any of you think differently about me if I... if I said... if I said I was gay?
Mike Tao: Oh, you're gay?
Buzz Watson: We did not know that.
Andy Flynn: I think after we get past the initial shock...
[Julio snorts]
Louie Provenza: Julio, this is serious. The answer is, if you told us you were gay, we'd think that you trusted us more, and then we would trust YOU more. Did you hear that, Sykes?
Amy Sykes: Oh, my God. I'm dating Lieutenant Cooper. There, are you happy?
Andy Flynn: I knew it!
Mike Tao: Ha-ha-ha. Pay up, Buzz.
Buzz Watson: Give me a second.
Louie Provenza: Sykes, you do know that you have to inform the captain?
Amy Sykes: I did, which is how you knew.
Rusty Beck: No. No, no, no. I knew because I saw the two of you outside of SOB. I was heading in for therapy appointment with Dr. Joe, and you were dropping Lieutenant Cooper off... out front.
Amy Sykes: You didn't say anything.
Rusty Beck: Well, you guys were making out. What was I supposed to say?
[all laughing]

Kendall: Someone put a serious dent in the victim's skull with that little statue.
Mike Tao: Hotel staff says this statue usually lives on this counter here.
Louie Provenza: Well, what's it supposed to be?
Mike Tao: Uh... modern art.
Louie Provenza: Well, did it kill him in the abstract or for real?

"The Closer: Under Control (#7.4)" (2011)
Mike Tao: Go to the break room, get yourself a snack, watch some TV, okay?
Kevin Tao: Yeah, okay.

Kevin Tao: I'm sixteen years old, Dad, and you still treat me like I'm a little kid. It's not about my grades or the SATs. It's like you're trying to protect me from... I don't know what, but you can't hold on to me forever. You just can't.
Mike Tao: [hugging Kevin] Yes, I can. I'll be holding onto you for the rest of your life.

"Major Crimes: There's No Place Like Home (#2.9)" (2013)
Lt. Mike Tao: Okay, on "Action," Scarface will come out onto the balcony. Ready... Set... and action!
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, Vera, who do you see?
Vera Walker: Oh, it's that little Mexican fella.
Pauline Allen: Vera, you said the wrong thing.
Vera Walker: Oh...
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes, you did, Vera. It's not "Mexican." It's "Latino."... Latino... My God, these glasses.
Lt. Mike Tao: Cut!... Check the gate!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Ladies and gentlemen, you are all under arrest for murder one.

Buzz Watson: [handing over the Shangrila security camera] Be careful. It's an antique.
Lt. Mike Tao: Ugh. If you look through this lens, you can probably see Barnaby Jones.

"Major Crimes: Trial by Fire (#3.14)" (2014)
Jeff Berrier: Hey, Lieutenant Mike!
Mike Tao: Hey-hey, Jeff. Welcome to the real L.A.P.D.
Jeff Berrier: Ah, thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah, Beckin's described this place to me so well, I could probably move around with my eyes closed. Uh, oh, I got my camera here. Is it okay if I just take a few photographs?
Captain Sharon Raydor: Yeah, if you let me review them before you leave. Right, Beckin?
Rusty Beck: Oh, oh, that's my nickname at work.
Jeff Berrier: Well, it's... it's "Beck and call" because he's there when we need him, he's got a great work ethic, he, uh, he-he never complains, he's always upbeat. Just positive, positive, positive. We love it.

Andy Flynn: [sees "Application for Retirement" form on his desk] What is this? Some kind of a joke?
Louie Provenza: Heh, you... you didn't print up a retirement application?
Mike Tao: Oh, that's mine. Forgot all about it, and it's not about retiring. It's about the deferred pension program. My business manager wants to check it out.
Julio Sanchez: Deferred pension?
Buzz Watson: What is that?
Mike Tao: Well, ideally, you put away more money from your paycheck, so you can save it tax-free until you retire.
Amy Sykes: What... what, you have a business manager?
Mike Tao: Well, he deals mainly with my consulting fees from "Badge of Justice".
Andy Flynn: Oh, my God, how much do you make on the show anyway?
Mike Tao: Well, my business manager said I shouldn't talk about it.
Louie Provenza: Wait, wait, wait, so you're not thinking about calling it quits?
Andy Flynn: Of course I think about it. Every day. But the truth is... I've given up so much of my life for this job, including a decent relationship with my children and most of my faith in the human race, that there's... no place else on earth that I fit in.
Louie Provenza: Now, that's the right attitude.

"Major Crimes: Jane Doe #38 (#3.6)" (2014)
Sharon Raydor: Did Alice ever mention where she was from or her last name?
Slider: No. Look, Alice wasn't nothing to me, all right? I wish I never met the bitch, obvious. She thought she was better than everyone else, and now she's just stuff you throw out with the trash. That's what happens to people who mess with me. That's just what happens.
Mike Tao: [in the monitor room, talking with a public defender on the phone] Yes, Lieutenant Michael Tao, Major Crimes. We're about to file second degree murder charges against...
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [holds Tao's phone conversation] Throw in the shooting of Bug, and the robbery, and his public defender can choose between life without parole or the death penalty. This kid needs to be put away.
Mike Tao: Did you hear that? We're talking about murder in the first of a 15-year-old girl. Oh. Uh... The victim. Her name? She's a Jane Doe.

"The Closer: Dumb Luck (#3.6)" (2007)
Buzz Watson: You want me to go out there and pretend to be Lieutenant Tao?
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Yes. Exactly.
Buzz Watson: Do I have to over-explain everything?
Mike Tao: Hey!

"Major Crimes: Acting Out (#3.13)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: And Flynn and I will get a warrant, go to the studio where J-ME was filming, check out his dressing room.
Mike Tao: Trailer.
Andy Flynn: Trailer. Heh. Oh, my God. Mr. Show Business speaks.

"Major Crimes: Pick Your Poison (#2.12)" (2013)
Captain Sharon Raydor: His teacher was in his bedroom?
Lt. Mike Tao: Not only his bedroom but in his bed. We have a pristine set of thumb prints on the headboard and finger and palm prints wrapped around the top and the back as if she was gripping on...
Captain Sharon Raydor: No, I get the picture.

"The Closer: Identity Theft (#5.9)" (2009)
Mike Tao: If you're guilty, then why can't you tell us how you really killed him - because Keith Milano was not strangled with anyone's bare hands? And we haven't found the implement that was used to choke him death.
Russell Clark: Why do you care so much about that?
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Well, besides a passing interest in the truth, sir, if you brought that implement or weapon with you, intending to kill Dr. Milano, that is premeditated murder, and the DA gave you a parole date that you don't deserve; and, if you didn't kill Dr. Milano, and you're covering up for your son, then I should really be talking to him, sir.

"Major Crimes: Letting It Go (#3.4)" (2014)
Russell Taylor: Okay, Tao, press is waiting for a briefing from detectives. Come on.
Mike Tao: Me?
Russell Taylor: These reporters deserve the most thorough briefing I can give 'em, and that's you. Let's go.

"Major Crimes: Final Cut (#2.1)" (2013)
Lt. Mike Tao: Just know, the second you call an attorney, and invoke your rights...
Lt. Louie Provenza: I'll be arresting you for multiple murders in the first degree with special circumstances.
Detective Amy Sykes: And the video of your trip to the county jail will go straight to YouTube, where it will live until the day you die. So be sure and smile at the camera.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Or you can help us use this search warrant.
Martin Elliot: Is this what you meant by Celebrity Threat Division? 'Cause I'm feeling pretty threatened right now.

"The Closer: Dial M for Provenza (#4.5)" (2008)
Mike Tao: Money is exchanged, and so ends another Provenza date.

"Major Crimes: All In (#2.14)" (2013)
Mike Tao: Uh, I hate to sound politically correct about this...
Lt. Louie Provenza: HERE we go!
Mike Tao: ...but can we call Geoff Klein "Scammy" instead of Techie? Naming him Techie is derogatory to those of us...
Lt. Louie Provenza: You can call him Guilty if you can find him and put a golf club in his hand.

"Major Crimes: A Rose Is a Rose (#4.1)" (2015)
Mike Tao: What kind of deal do you offer a kid like this?
Louie Provenza: Hopefully one that fits on his tombstone.

"Major Crimes: Chain Reaction (#3.15)" (2014)
Mike Tao: Lieutenant, nice hat.
Louie Provenza: Well, I... was gonna wear the whole suit, but Patrice wouldn't let me.
Patrice Perry: I was afraid he might get shot.

"Major Crimes: Hindsight, Part 3 (#4.21)" (2016)
Mike Tao: Toss up who she hates more, us or her husband.
Buzz Watson: How do people stay married when they don't get along like this?
Sharon Raydor: I asked myself that for years.

"Major Crimes: Fifth Dynasty (#4.10)" (2015)
Mike Tao: Do you know how many people would give anything to hear those words, "Your loved one is all right"?
Buzz Watson: It doesn't always work out that way.

"Major Crimes: Down the Drain (#3.11)" (2014)
Sharon Raydor: That's a lot of mothers to check.
Louie Provenza: Yeah, and considering our victim's race, height, blood type, and the fact that she had an episio...
Sharon Raydor, Mike Tao: Episiotomy.
Mike Tao: It's a surgical incision to enlarge the opening...
Louie Provenza: I know what it is, thank you very much. I just can't say it. So, we'll ask about women who had an unpronounceable procedure during childbirth.
Amy Sykes: I bet you could say it if it was vasectomy.

"The Closer: Lovers Leap (#3.11)" (2007)
Mike Tao: It seems like she accelerated right off the cliff.
David Gabriel: If she's from D.C., she might have been lost, didn't see the turn.
Andy Flynn: Or she did it on purpose.
Louie Provenza: A woman so concerned about the planet that she rents a hybrid to kill herself in?
Andy Flynn: I don't know. Maybe she saw a tree down there she wanted to hug.

"Major Crimes: Party Foul (#3.12)" (2014)
Sharon Raydor: Mike, can I ask you a question?
Mike Tao: Sure.
Sharon Raydor: Do you know an AD on "Badge of Justice" named Jeff? Rusty was...
Mike Tao: Jeff Barrier. Sure, he's a great guy. Oh, and you'd be happy to know, he really likes Rusty.
Sharon Raydor: And how much?
Mike Tao: Hm?
Sharon Raydor: How much does he really like Rusty?
Mike Tao: Oh. Um, I don't know. Why?
Sharon Raydor: Well, because Rusty is suddenly thinking about postponing college because of something that Jeff said.
Mike Tao: I see.
Sharon Raydor: I mean, I'm sure there's an easy fix to it without interfering in the friendship, if you could help me.
Mike Tao: How?

"The Closer: Speed Bump (#4.2)" (2008)
[repeated line]
Mike Tao: Walk with me.

"The Closer: Problem Child (#4.6)" (2008)
Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson: What makes a child go bad? Nature or nurture?
Lieutenant Mike Tao: Unfortunately, Chief, by the time we get involved, it really doesn't matter.

"The Closer: Culture Shock (#3.10)" (2007)
[a group of Chinese tourists are milling around, agitated]
Detective Lt. Provenza: Oh, Tao, thank God. Could you please tell these people to calm down and step back?
Lieutenant Mike Tao: [shouting] CALM DOWN AND STEP BACK!
Detective Lt. Provenza: You don't speak Chinese?
Lieutenant Mike Tao: No, I don't. I'm fourth-generation American.
Detective Lt. Provenza: Well, you always sound fluent when we order take-out.

"The Closer: Head Over Heels (#2.7)" (2006)
[describing the victim based on his severed head]
Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: Could you go back to the office, please, and search the missing persons database for a white male, early thirties, brown hair, brown eyes. Height?
Lt. Mike Tao: He's at least two feet.

"Major Crimes: The Deep End (#2.8)" (2013)
Albert Torres: Do you see that? Do you see that? That's accountability. I held him accountable.
Lt. Mike Tao: Mr. Torres, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say...
Albert Torres: For you, Matty.
Lt. Mike Tao: ...will be used against you in a court of law.
Albert Torres: I did this for you!
Lt. Mike Tao: You have the right to an attorney.
Albert Torres: For you, Matty!
Lt. Mike Tao: If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state.

"The Closer: Half Load (#5.5)" (2009)
Buzz Watson: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I-I applied for this federal grant to upgrade our surveillance equipment, and I think I got it but I need help translating this letter.
Mike Tao: What language is it in?
Buzz Watson: Government.
Louie Provenza: Ah, yeah. Here, Buzz. I read government.

"Major Crimes: Sweet Revenge (#3.9)" (2014)
[last lines]
Mike Tao: Per your instructions, I've done a complete data dump.
Fritz Howard: Hey, Mike?
Mike Tao: Mm.
Fritz Howard: Could you do me favor... and keep what I'm about to tell you in complete confidence?
Mike Tao: Sure.
Fritz Howard: Even Brenda can't know this, all right? No kidding around. I gotta know I can trust you.
Mike Tao: Of course you can.
Fritz Howard: I'm taking the back exit. I need you to... meet me downstairs with two aspirin and a bottle of water, and then I need you to drive me to the hospital.
Mike Tao: Wait, can you tell me what's going on.
Fritz Howard: I'm having a heart attack. Meet me out front and take me to the ER at St. Luke's.
Mike Tao: Holy crap... Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy...

"Major Crimes: Internal Affairs (#3.17)" (2015)
Julio Sanchez: Wow... After everything... that I've done here... you two treat me the same way... that you would... a dirtbag suspect off the street... Am I under arrest, ma'am?
Sharon Raydor: No. Julio, everything we've done is to...
Julio Sanchez: My mom needs my help. Excuse me.
Louie Provenza: Julio.
Sharon Raydor: Of course.
Louie Provenza: Julio, we're doing this for your own good.
Mike Tao: [Sanchez walks to the elevator] Julio.
Julio Sanchez: Why didn't you tell me what was going on?
Mike Tao: There's an open I.A. investigation. If they knew we told you Tino was murdered before they questioned you, it's not good.
Julio Sanchez: Did you see the guy?
Mike Tao: I did.
Julio Sanchez: I messed him up. It's not like he was unconscious or anything. I mean, he ran away, Tao.
Mike Tao: I know you didn't do it. Meanwhile, you gotta follow procedure right now. Procedure is your friend, okay? Let us find the suspect.

"Major Crimes: False Pretenses (#2.2)" (2013)
Lt. Mike Tao: Hey, Andy, about this cleanse... I think I figured out where all your energy's coming from.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Yeah, I told you, it's the Gingko Balboa.
Buzz Watson: And the caffeine.
Lt. Andy Flynn: No way. Give me that.
Lt. Mike Tao: It's right there. Fourth ingredient.
Lt. Andy Flynn: What? That cute girl in the health food store, she said that the...
[Tao and Buzz laugh]
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, I'm glad my trying to improve my health amuses you guys so much. Cynical jerks.

"Major Crimes: Risk Assessment (#2.16)" (2013)
Mike Tao: And you should know by now how seriously we look after our witnesses.
Rusty Beck: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's kind of weird how much trouble you guys go to to protect people you don't even know. What made you want to do that?
Mike Tao: Me, personally?
Rusty Beck: Yeah.
Mike Tao: I started out in med school. You know, make my folks happy. I thought I'd work in an ER, but the more I learned about being a doctor, the more it seemed about paperwork and liability insurance. Physicians spend a lot of time covering their butts. We spend a lot of time covering each other, and I like it better that way.

"The Closer: Make Over (#5.14)" (2009)
Andy Flynn: I mean, if we had any priors, we wouldn't need Osgood's confession.
Louie Provenza: But we HAVE Osgood's confession. It's just because Empty Pants here won't bite the bullet and put on the clothes that he was BORN TO WEAR. Doesn't mean that we can't have somebody read his testimony in court.
Mike Tao: I believe you can only do that if he isn't available.
Louie Provenza: HEEEEEE... ISN'T available.

"Major Crimes: Reality Check (#4.13)" (2015)
Amy Sykes: All the contestants are dysfunctional married couples competing for a million dollars.
Mike Tao: Wow. Husband and wife driving the same vehicle, arguing about money. What could possibly go wrong?

"Major Crimes: Poster Boy (#2.11)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Killer made a snack after the murder?
Mike Tao: [holding up a pizza box from the trash] Yeah, but this box was on the bottom of the pile. All this other stuff was on top.
Lt. Louie Provenza: So he hangs out here all weekend with a dead body in the tub - eating?

"Major Crimes: Personal Day (#3.2)" (2014)
Mike Tao: How's your personal day going?
Louie Provenza: Didn't the captain tell you?
Mike Tao: Tell us what?
Louie Provenza: You'll hear about it soon enough.