Lt. Louie Provenza
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Quotes for
Lt. Louie Provenza (Character)
from "The Closer" (2005)

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"Major Crimes: Chain Reaction (#3.15)" (2014)
Buzz Watson: You don't consider the murder of Santa Claus to be a major crime? Because in my reserve training class...
Louie Provenza: Buzz, the first thing you have to learn as a backup police officer is how not to get emotionally caught up in the crime, uh, which, in this case, is over. The circle is closed.
Sharon Raydor: Lieutenant Provenza?
Andy Flynn: The circle reopens.
Louie Provenza: Captain... oh, and your whole family. What a wonderful surprise.
Sharon Raydor: Is it? I've been calling you.

Sharon Raydor: Uh, Lieutenant, as you all know, I'm having a Christmas party tomorrow night and... Are you, are you coming, by the way?
Louie Provenza: No, no, I'll be out of town. I'm going down to Laguna Beach with a... uh, a-a-a friend, and-and it's a spur-of-the-moment-thing.
Sharon Raydor: Well, then, time is of the essence for all of us, so why don't we divide and conquer?

Andy Flynn: So, who is this friend you're spending, uh, Christmas with?
Louie Provenza: At this rate?... You.

Roland Jennings: If the police have just accurately described what happened, you have two choices: One of them is death row and the other isn't.
Melanie Jordan: And you're on my side?
Roland Jennings: I'm trying to think of an alternative explanation for a dead woman under your bed in a cello case. It's not coming, and this deal will go away.
Louie Provenza: Tick-tock, Ms. Jordan. Tick-tock.

Melanie Jordan: Oh, God. How many times did we go over the plan? There was never supposed to be a gun. That was completely unnecessary. If they had just done what I told them...
Sharon Raydor: That why you strangled Lydia, because she disobeyed you?
Melanie Jordan: Lydia had a complete meltdown. She wanted to turn us both in. She fought with me, and I fought her back, but not... not just for me. You understand this: What I did to Lydia, I did that for my son, and what I did for my son, I did that for the world.
Roland Jennings: [pause] You said life.
Louie Provenza: Life. It's good for the world too.

Mike Tao: Lieutenant, nice hat.
Louie Provenza: Well, I... was gonna wear the whole suit, but Patrice wouldn't let me.
Patrice Perry: I was afraid he might get shot.

[last lines]
Ricky Raydor: It's okay, little brother.
Louie Provenza: Happy holidays!
Ricky Raydor: What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her.
Rusty Beck: I hope you're right.

Louie Provenza: Son of a Nutcracker!

"Major Crimes: There's No Place Like Home (#2.9)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Fine. Just... just tell me how I did.
Rangemaster R. Morton: It's DNQ.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Did not qualify? No, no, no, no! Just hold on one second. I've been shooting here every week for almost the last three months. If I don't qualify by next Friday, I'll be at a desk job for the rest of my career.
Rangemaster R. Morton: And?
Lt. Louie Provenza: And... and look at that one there... right there. I mean, that bullet hole is on the line!
Lt. Louie Provenza: [chuckling] It's on the line.
Rangemaster R. Morton: [stamps "DNQ"] If you end up in a dangerous situation where you're required to be proficient with your firearm, other people could die. You still have four days to get this right. Come back tomorrow.

Detective Amy Sykes: Welcome to Lost Horizon, also known as the land that time forgot.
Detective Julio Sanchez: Hope we get in and out before the place falls down.
Buzz Watson: If I close my eyes, I can hear the bulldozers.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Hey, just because something's old doesn't mean it's not serving a good purpose.

Howard Gray: Well, I'm guessing you want to get into Ed's apartment.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes. Yes, we do. Um, is the manager of Lost Horizon around?
Clayton Carter: We call it Shangri-La.
Larry Murdock: Mm-hm.
Clayton Carter: "La Shangri-La" if we're feeling festive.

Detective Julio Sanchez: Where were you the night Ed Dagby supposedly committed suicide?
Agent Mark Evans: Out with friends. It was a special night... Wait. Wait a minute. You really think I had something to do with... Uh, uh, "Supposedly committed suicide?" What's that... what's that mean?
Captain Sharon Raydor: We're thinking that Dagby's death was more of a murder.
Agent Mark Evans: Oh... All right, okay, look, look, um... Ed needs to have committed suicide.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Oh, boy.
Agent Mark Evans: Ed was found in his apartment with the gas turned on, right? I mean, how is that not a suicide?
Detective Julio Sanchez: He was dead before the oven was turned on.
Agent Mark Evans: Uh... no, no, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. You see, uh... uh... I'm gonna be totally honest here. If you'd known Ed Dagby, you would realize that killing himself was the only decent thing he had done his whole life. I mean, the coroner said he thought it was a suicide. Can't we just stick with that?
Detective Amy Sykes: Is he kidding?
Lt. Louie Provenza: No, he's hiding something, and we probably need to find out what it is.

Lt. Mike Tao: Okay, on "Action," Scarface will come out onto the balcony. Ready... Set... and action!
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, Vera, who do you see?
Vera Walker: Oh, it's that little Mexican fella.
Pauline Allen: Vera, you said the wrong thing.
Vera Walker: Oh...
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes, you did, Vera. It's not "Mexican." It's "Latino."... Latino... My God, these glasses.
Lt. Mike Tao: Cut!... Check the gate!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Ladies and gentlemen, you are all under arrest for murder one.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Read it and weep.
Rangemaster R. Morton: Don't see many of these. Perfect target, Lieutenant.
[stamps "QUALIFY"]

Lt. Louie Provenza: Why is Jerry never here anymore?
Rangemaster R. Morton: Jerry Zein retired.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Retired? He's been scoring my targets since I became a lieutenant.
Rangemaster R. Morton: Sounds like he had a good, long career.

Dr. Morales: I think we're looking at anaphylactic shock related to an allergic reaction.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Still not our problem. First the accident, then a bee sting, a peanut. Maybe it was just the guy's time to go.
Dr. Morales: Except, why open the oven door, turn up the gas, and sit in your own kitchen if you're already choking to death?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Sounds extreme but maybe he was under a lot of pressure at work.

"The Closer: High Crimes (#6.12)" (2010)
Brenda Leigh Johnson: [viewing robbery footage] They wait for someone to leave. Why don't they enter directly?
Buzz Watson: Most marijuana dispensaries have electronic security doors that only unlock from the inside.
Louie Provenza: And you know this because...?
Buzz Watson: My mom has a prescription for pot.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Oh. What's wrong with her?
Buzz Watson: She has insomnia and glaucoma. I-I have to guide her to the door sometimes.
Andy Flynn: Ever buy anything?
Julio Sanchez: How do you think he got the name "Buzz?"

Sam Dodson: Shea's Lounge. It's a... kind of our showpiece strain. Nobody else had it. It's a 40% indica/60% sativa hybrid. It's like a cross between Skywalker and Super Skunk with a little ruderalis thrown in to reinforce the THC content. Shea created it.
Louie Provenza: Did he apply for the Nobel Prize?

Chief Tommy Delk: Did you just say "hippies" and "Mary Jane?"
Louie Provenza: Yes, I did.
Chief Tommy Delk: How old are you?
Louie Provenza: Six chiefs and counting.

Louie Provenza: You can't be serious.
Chief Tommy Delk: Do I look high to you?

Mike Tao: See, Provenza? A lot of 'em aren't hippies!
Louie Provenza: Yeah, well, I promise you, Tao, in every one of their closets, somewhere, there's a tie-dyed shirt.

Louie Provenza: I know... I know it's shocking to find drug dealers shooting each other over money Next thing you know, husbands will be killing their wives for being unfaithful. Ooo, what a world.

"Major Crimes: Final Cut (#2.1)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: If he was such a famous film director, how come I've never heard of him?
Buzz Watson: He makes talkies, sir.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Never-ending budget crisis. Morgue can't get anybody out here until 5:00 A.M.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It's okay. She has no place else to be.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Flynn's on his way up with Elliot's ex-wife. Now, if my experience means anything, then she won't even remember his good side. And if Elliot was cheating on his current wife...

Lt. Mike Tao: Just know, the second you call an attorney, and invoke your rights...
Lt. Louie Provenza: I'll be arresting you for multiple murders in the first degree with special circumstances.
Detective Amy Sykes: And the video of your trip to the county jail will go straight to YouTube, where it will live until the day you die. So be sure and smile at the camera.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Or you can help us use this search warrant.
Martin Elliot: Is this what you meant by Celebrity Threat Division? 'Cause I'm feeling pretty threatened right now.

Rusty Beck: And, uh, can you... make Sharon think that it was, like, all your idea?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well... I have no problem taking credit for other people's ideas. How do you think I became a lieutenant?

Rusty Beck: Uh, don't tell Sharon I talked to you, okay?
Lt. Louie Provenza: My short-term memory'll take care of that.

"Major Crimes: All In (#2.14)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Hey. Hey! What the hell's up with you?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Nothing. A-all right, look. I'm seeing, um, a counselor because I'm trying to make things up with my family, and while I was doing that, I sort of lied to my ex-wife.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Why would you lie to your ex?
Lt. Andy Flynn: I don't know. Force of habit? All right. After I brought Sharon to Nicole's wedding, everybody started asking about her; so, maybe I let my ex think, like, I was a little closer to Sharon than I really am, and now my whole family wants me to bring Sharon...
Lt. Louie Provenza: Stop calling her that.
Lt. Andy Flynn: What? That's her name. What?

Jason Dietz: You mean... we're rich again?
Lt. Andy Flynn: You were ALWAYS rich. Don't you get it? You had a father who cared so much for his family that he did every crazy thing he could do to try to make up for all of his failings. Having a dad like that means you were rich from the day you were born. And you, Mrs. Dietz, you were rich, too, but you didn't want to be, did you? You wanted to have lots of money. Well, now you got it! And how's that working out, huh?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Flynn, that's enough!

[a body has been fished from a golf course pond wearing cinder blocks]
Lt. Louie Provenza: Talk about playing with a handicap.

Lt. Louie Provenza: So, to review, our primary suspects, uh, seem to be - Sonny, Techie, Limpy, Roomie, Wifey and Doc.

Mike Tao: Uh, I hate to sound politically correct about this...
Lt. Louie Provenza: HERE we go!
Mike Tao: ...but can we call Geoff Klein "Scammy" instead of Techie? Naming him Techie is derogatory to those of us...
Lt. Louie Provenza: You can call him Guilty if you can find him and put a golf club in his hand.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, actually, since I met Doc, I think of him more as... Grumpy.

"Major Crimes: Down the Drain (#3.11)" (2014)
Andy Flynn: Los Angeles finally gets the rain it needs, so, naturally, we end up down the drain.
Louie Provenza: Doesn't bother me. I'm down here all the time.
Andy Flynn: You are?
Louie Provenza: After four wives and five divorces, down the drain is where I come to visit my money... and more than a few of my dreams.
Buzz Watson: Your dreams? Well, that explains the darkness.

Sharon Raydor: That's a lot of mothers to check.
Louie Provenza: Yeah, and considering our victim's race, height, blood type, and the fact that she had an episio...
Sharon Raydor, Mike Tao: Episiotomy.
Mike Tao: It's a surgical incision to enlarge the opening...
Louie Provenza: I know what it is, thank you very much. I just can't say it. So, we'll ask about women who had an unpronounceable procedure during childbirth.
Amy Sykes: I bet you could say it if it was vasectomy.

Buzz Watson: Except the baby might not belong to the Glovers after all. They weren't the only couple Heather was writing to about him.
Louie Provenza: What are you talking about, Buzz?
Buzz Watson: She was sending two other couples e-mail updates of her pregnancy.
Sharon Raydor: The Hunts and the Maguires.

Andy Flynn: Okay, it's room temperature. Here you go. Ain't that much better than those jingling keys?
Sharon Raydor: Andy, I had no idea you were so good with babies.
Andy Flynn: Yeah, well, I'm full of surprises.
Louie Provenza: Well, you're full of something.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: Here's what the suspect's attorney will say: Heather gave Mr. Barnes the money, headed back to the hotel for her car, got caught in a rain storm, slipped, hit her head, and ended up being swept into the drainage system where her body was battered to death, and Dr. Morales won't be able to disagree, and you have a lot other suspects who are part of a huge financial scam.
Sharon Raydor: No one is disagreeing with you, Andrea. Our evidence is purely circumstantial, but Thomas Barnes doesn't know that.
Louie Provenza: It doesn't matter what we say to him, only what he says to us.

Louie Provenza: Thank God - the victim.

"Major Crimes: Do Not Disturb (#3.5)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: The thing you need to understand about kissing a diplomat's ass is that it doesn't kiss back.

Andy Flynn: So, what did Malibu Barbie have to say for herself?
Buzz Watson: So far, it's classic teenager.
Louie Provenza: She was only trying to help. "I never told Lina anything." "I don't know how she found out about what was going on."
Sharon Raydor: As far as classic teenage behavior goes, I'm feeling a little overexposed. It's time to cut through all this crap.
[walks out from the room]
Louie Provenza: Did she just say "crap"?
[Flynn nods]
Louie Provenza: My, oh, my.

Julio Sanchez: Oh, hey, Sykes, I forgot. Cooper stopped by earlier and said he was gonna be late to dinner.
Amy Sykes: I'm not going to dinner with Lt. Cooper.
Andy Flynn: I'm surprised you guys ever came back from surveillance.
Buzz Watson: You're dating Cooper?
Rusty Beck: People don't know that yet?
Amy Sykes: There is nothing to know.
Mike Tao: Oh, let the girl be happy.
Louie Provenza: Or, as happy as anyone can be in a relationship. Good night, everybody. I hope to see none of you before morning.
Rusty Beck: Well, uh, but, actually, could you wait just a second? I wanted to ask all of you a question. Would it bother any of you, or... w-would any of you think differently about me if I... if I said... if I said I was gay?
Mike Tao: Oh, you're gay?
Buzz Watson: We did not know that.
Andy Flynn: I think after we get past the initial shock...
[Julio snorts]
Louie Provenza: Julio, this is serious. The answer is, if you told us you were gay, we'd think that you trusted us more, and then we would trust YOU more. Did you hear that, Sykes?
Amy Sykes: Oh, my God. I'm dating Lieutenant Cooper. There, are you happy?
Andy Flynn: I knew it!
Mike Tao: Ha-ha-ha. Pay up, Buzz.
Buzz Watson: Give me a second.
Louie Provenza: Sykes, you do know that you have to inform the captain?
Amy Sykes: I did, which is how you knew.
Rusty Beck: No. No, no, no. I knew because I saw the two of you outside of SOB. I was heading in for therapy appointment with Dr. Joe, and you were dropping Lieutenant Cooper off... out front.
Amy Sykes: You didn't say anything.
Rusty Beck: Well, you guys were making out. What was I supposed to say?
[all laughing]

[last lines]
Rusty Beck: So, nothing changes?
Louie Provenza: Oh, well, we'll kid her for a while and eventually they'll break up, and who will care?
Rusty Beck: No, I, I mean... between you and me.
Louie Provenza: Oh. Well, uh... as long as you don't come in here dressed like the Village People and singing show tunes, we'll be fine.
Rusty Beck: Wait. Who are the Village People?
Louie Provenza: Look, there are some things that I don't mind teaching you, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to figure out being gay... all on your own.
Rusty Beck: [browsing the web] The... Village... People. Hm.

Kendall: Someone put a serious dent in the victim's skull with that little statue.
Mike Tao: Hotel staff says this statue usually lives on this counter here.
Louie Provenza: Well, what's it supposed to be?
Mike Tao: Uh... modern art.
Louie Provenza: Well, did it kill him in the abstract or for real?

Louie Provenza: Man, you see what happens when you're allowed to investigate crimes? You find these things called... clues.

"Major Crimes: Cutting Loose (#3.8)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: And as I like to say, it's always the husband. It's always...
Sharon Raydor: The husband, I know.

Louie Provenza: I sent Sykes and Sanchez to go notify him.
Sharon Raydor: Julio's back?
[Provenza nods]
Sharon Raydor: And you sent him out?
Louie Provenza: Why not? He's had a whole week off.
Sharon Raydor: He was wounded. We should've done something to celebrate his return. Oh, I-I d... I am just surrounded by people with no sense of occasion.
Louie Provenza: We sent him flowers. Eh, look, Julio is going to get a medal and time with a psychiatrist, both of which he deserves. Uh, if it'll make you feel any better, when he gets back, give him a hug.

Sharon Raydor: [gives Sanchez a hug] Welcome back, Julio.
Julio Sanchez: Uh...
[looks puzzled]
Louie Provenza: Just say thank you.

Sharon Raydor: Let me guess. The title transfer was denied.
Mike Tao: Because there was no bill of sale and the owner, Zelda Lembeck, was not present.
Andy Flynn: Probably 'cause she was dead.
Louie Provenza: But her husband couldn't prove that... Oh! It was the husband who was trying to sell the car, wasn't it?
Mike Tao: So it would seem.
Louie Provenza: Ba-dum!
Sharon Raydor: If you say "It's always the husband," at every murder, you're bound to get it right now and then.

Carl Lembeck: What are you talking about? Intimate?
Jon 'Jonny' Worth: I'm talking about me and Zelda. In 1990? Oh, she was smokin' hot back then. Long story short, we spent a night in the hot tub and a morning in bed; and, unfortunately, that made her mine for life.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [in the monitor room] He's doing really, really well, isn't he?
Louie Provenza: Good Lord.

"Major Crimes: Special Master: Part Two (#3.19)" (2015)
Sharon Raydor: Lieutenant, you don't really believe that Phillip Stroh predicted three murders out of thin air.
Louie Provenza: Well, of course not. He was in communication with someone, or somehow.
Sharon Raydor: But he wasn't. All he had were the books he was reading.
Louie Provenza: You don't think Phillip Stroh has found God?
Sharon Raydor: No, Lieutenant. I think he's found Mars.

Rusty Beck: I just thought maybe that joining SWAT would make it harder for Stroh to get at me.
Louie Provenza: Son, son, listen. No, no, no. If you join SWAT because of Stroh, you are giving him a say in your destiny. Look, if you wanna spend your days looking over your shoulder, afraid, wondering when the blow will fall, you can just wait till you get married.

Sharon Raydor: Lieutenant? What happened to our suspect?
Louie Provenza: Guy jumped off his roof into an angry Julio. I-I'll fill you in later.

Louie Provenza: Okay, Markos. Uh, we have a lot of questions for you down the road, but right now, we are interested in one thing and one thing only.
Markos Christakis aka Burning Man: How many women I killed?
Andy Flynn: Okay. How many women did you kill?
Markos Christakis aka Burning Man: Not enough.

Andy Flynn: Where is Phillip Stroh?
Markos Christakis aka Burning Man: Phillip? He's not in jail?
Louie Provenza: At the moment, no.
Markos Christakis aka Burning Man: I haven't seen Phillip since I was twenty. Of course, he would call from time to time to congratulate me and encourage my great work, the work of gods. I am a god. You know that, right? I am Mars come to life.
Louie Provenza: Obviously. But even gods can be betrayed. Stroh betrayed you. He helped us. Stroh is how we caught you.
Andy Flynn: And if you could tell us where Stroh is right now, and if you have any idea what he's up to, we could make things easier for you.
Markos Christakis aka Burning Man: I'm sorry. Phillip was nothing more than an advisor, really. I can only assume he did what he told me to do.
Andy Flynn: And what was that?
Markos Christakis aka Burning Man: To prepare for my escape long before I needed one.
Markos Christakis aka Burning Man: [voiceover] To have plenty of cash hidden somewhere safe, another identity, weapons. Oh, and most important... never leave a witness. Never, ever leave a witness.

"Major Crimes: Frozen Assets (#3.3)" (2014)
Rusty Beck: Hey, if my mom drinks, or uses again, do they kick her out of AA?
Andy Flynn: If they kicked everybody out who fell off the wagon, trust me, those meetings would get really small. Look, kid, seeing how your mom is coming up on two months and hearing how she wants to stay in recovery, I think she said a lot of the right things.
Louie Provenza: My philosophy in life: Stay positive.
Rusty Beck: Okay, then, thinking positive, I... I should get a job.
Andy Flynn: How does that relate?
Louie Provenza: What's the matter? Jobs build character. Did I ever tell you about my first job?
Andy Flynn: Cabin boy on the Mayflower? Oh, no, dishwasher at the Last Supper.
Louie Provenza: Laugh it up, laugh it up, but I grew up in the... in the '60s. Those were the days, my friends.

Mr. Baird: Okay, here's what I think happened. Now, by the end, Marcella was so sick she could only eat eggs and imported crab cakes, dozens of which are left over in the freezer. Now, when we ran out of fresh venison last night, I served Falcon a thawed-out crab cake. He ate half of it, okay, and then he went out through this doggie door to do his business, and he never came back.
Louie Provenza: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Are you suggesting that whoever killed this dog also murdered Marcella Brewster?
Mr. Baird: No, no, no, no, no. I killed the dog.
Andy Flynn: Okay, that's it. Turn around, hands behind your back.
Mr. Baird: What?
Andy Flynn: Shut up, just...
Mr. Baird: What are you doing? I called you guys. You wouldn't know anything about this except for me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me explain. Yes, I killed the dog, yes, but the murderer is whoever poisoned the crab cakes. What am I under arrest for anyway?
Sharon Raydor: So far, impersonating a police officer, animal cruelty, and we haven't even...
Russell Taylor: Hold on. Hold on a minute. Let's all take a giant step back. Flynn, Provenza, is it true you guys dragged this security guard off Marcella Brewster's estate and left her dead dog behind in the bushes?
Mr. Baird: Yes.
Andy Flynn: No. We brought the little fella back with us.
Amy Sykes: In an actual doggie bag. We also have one half-eaten crab cake, a freezer full of frozen ones, and more than a little canine vomit.

Mike Tao: Now, while we can't confirm Marcella was poisoned without a tissue sample, this is interesting. Marcella's medical records show she'd been suffered from an acute promyelocytic leukemia, a cancer of the white blood cells.
Louie Provenza: Nod. Can we audit this course?
Mike Tao: One of the treatments for APL is arsenic trioxide, which she'd taken intravenously.
Andy Flynn: You know, if the killer knew that Marcella was on an arsenic-based drug, maybe he or she thought that by adding more poison to her diet it wouldn't've shown up at the autopsy.

Mr. Baird: Let me explain how wrong you are. Number one: I called you, which is why we're here discussing murder in the first place, mi compadre. Number two: Security codes. Not only did I violate my confidentiality agreement, but I gave you guys the numbers protecting the most valuable frozen asset in the world. Number three: Employment! Dead dog, job gone. Poof! Good thing there's a million positions waiting for someone with my psychiatric record. Oh, wait! There's not! Number...
Andy Flynn: Four.
Mr. Baird: Yeah, number four: No pesos, my little Latino friend. Have you established a path by which money from the Marcella Brewster estate travels into my pocket? No, you have not! And fifth, and most importantly, I lost the one thing that mattered - my best friend, Falcon... and the great big house in which we lived together. So, what is my motive, you... you big meanies? Why would I purposely kill Marcella and Falcon and lose my best chance at living a life in uniform?
Louie Provenza: Maybe you don't need a motive.
Andy Flynn: Maybe you're just the craziest person on the face of the Earth.
Mr. Baird: [sighs] Well, I did skip my medication today.

Rusty Beck: And your first name is Louie?
Louie Provenza: Unless you outrank me, or I divorced you, my first name is Lieutenant.

"Major Crimes: Special Master: Part One (#3.18)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: As a general rule, Emma, when a psychopath tells you that someone is going to die, pick up a phone.

Louie Provenza: Why are we waiting out here? The clock is ticking, people.
[whirring saw sounds from the autopsy room]
Louie Provenza: Oh, well, um, anything else?

Dr. Morales: All right, the room is now safe for the faint of heart.
Amy Sykes: Okay.
Louie Provenza: Oh, God... It takes a special kind of asshole to do this.
[picks up the cover]
Louie Provenza: Oh, God, Morales! Where are her hands?
Dr. Morales: I cut 'em off and put 'em in the rehydrating solution. I've had some success identifying burn victims this way before, but it takes time and... usually a little bit more skin.
Andy Flynn: We'll cross our fingers.

Amy Sykes: My God. He's already got his second victim.
Louie Provenza: Yes. And our pimp is already screaming "lawyer," several times. Damn it. How many deals are we gonna have to make before this is done?

[last lines]
Louie Provenza: Well, we're getting warmer.

"Major Crimes: I, Witness (#2.4)" (2013)
Lloyd Gibbs: A friend was with me last night.
Lt. Andy Flynn: [shouts] I told you not to call anybody!
Lloyd Gibbs: It wasn't just anybody! This is the most amazing woman in the world, I've known her since we were kids, we've dated off and on since high school, and you can believe her when she says I didn't kill anyone because she is honest, dependable, and absolutely not a prostitute.
Lt. Andy Flynn: "Not a prostitute?"
Lt. Louie Provenza: What is her name?
Lloyd Gibbs: Her name is Shampagne - with an S - and she has a website.

Shampagne: Oh, no. Is he okay?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, he's about thirty seconds from being charged with murder, but other than that, yeah, he's great.
Shampagne: Will you give him my best? Oh, and tell him that I've got the "free moustache rides" sweatshirt that he left in my car.
Lt. Louie Provenza: You know what? I've got a better idea. Why don't you come with us and you can tell him yourself?

Lt. Louie Provenza: Flynn, be careful. Your blood pressure!
Lt. Andy Flynn: What? What the...? You just told the entire world that I have high blood pressure. Now everyone knows.
Lt. Louie Provenza: They didn't hear me. Nobody heard me, did they?
Lt. Mike Tao: I heard you.
Detective Julio Sanchez: You said "high blood pressure."
Detective Amy Sykes: Explains a lot. I mean, not everything, but a lot.
Lt. Andy Flynn: You see? What did I ask you?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Just take it easy. Yank on your ear lobe or something.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Don't tell me to take it easy, okay? I asked you to do one simple thing. Not tell anybody about my blood pressure! What do you do? You tell the world.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It just slipped out!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Oh, really?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Really!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Really?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Really!
Lt. Andy Flynn: Really?
[falls down]

Lt. Louie Provenza: Are you drunk?
Lloyd Gibbs: No. I ran out of beer, like, two hours ago.

Lt. Louie Provenza: You want some cheese with that wine?

"Major Crimes: False Pretenses (#2.2)" (2013)
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Lieutenant Provenza?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yes.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Good morning, Lieutenant.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Yeah.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Is it... is it bad?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, I've seen worse. Anyway, I was just going upstairs with the suicide. You're welcome to join me.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Well, well, maybe I should look.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Her face is missing, Lieutenant! You said...
Lt. Louie Provenza: I said that I had seen worse - and I have.
Lt. Andy Flynn: He has.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Emma, if you're going to continue to come to the morgue and to the crime scenes, you have got to get used to it.
Detective Julio Sanchez: Uh, here, uh, let me help you.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Oh, thanks.
Detective Julio Sanchez: This way. Here, I got you a coffee.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Seriously? Thank you. Mm... I didn't have time to stop on my way in. How did you know?
Detective Julio Sanchez: I'm a detective.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Excuse me, Detective.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: This document confirms your agreement to serve a total of four years for all these robberies. I've included the names and addresses...
Assistant Chief Taylor: [in the monitor room] So I assume one of those robberies includes the house where he stole the murder weapon.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It does.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: If you would put your signature at the bottom, we'll set a court date for next week and we'll get this in front of a judge.
Roland Jennings: Is that it?
Captain Sharon Raydor: There is one more thing.
Detective Julio Sanchez: You just confessed to robbing Stewart Ness.
Captain Sharon Raydor: And in the stolen property report that he filled out, it lists this gun.
Roland Jennings: What the hell is this? You can't add gun charges to these robberies.
Captain Sharon Raydor: We found this weapon that your client stole at the scene of an attempted robbery, matching his M.O. in Venice where we also found a double homicide.
Roland Jennings: What?
Tyler Allen: Wait, I... No, I read about that in the paper. They said it was a murder-suicide.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Oh, well, sometimes the press gets it wrong.

Lt. Andy Flynn: Look, I got a physical coming up.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Well, that's not an exam that you have to study for.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Oh, geez. Why do I keep putting myself through this.

Lt. Louie Provenza: The gays, they have it made.

"Major Crimes: Poster Boy (#2.11)" (2013)
Detective Amy Sykes: When the victim, Joe Fox, missed a Skype conference with the East Coast this morning, his business partner came over and found the body tortured with bleach, mutilated, and shut up in the bathroom down the hall.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Really? 'Cause it smells like it's here, in the room.
Detective Amy Sykes: Air conditioning was left on. Circulates the odor. S'that gonna be a problem for you?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: No. Just observing how horrible it smells in here. That's all.
Lt. Louie Provenza: [clears throat] Rios, just sit here on the couch.

Lt. Louie Provenza: [walking to the living room] Sykes. Tao! Sanchez!
[all look down at Rios sitting on the couch]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: What? What happened?
Detective Amy Sykes: Better stand up.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Why?
Lt. Andy Flynn: Ah, sofa folds out.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Ooh...
Detective Amy Sykes: It explains the smell.
Detective Amy Sykes: [to Rios] Do not scream.
[Rios whimpers]

Lt. Louie Provenza: Killer made a snack after the murder?
Mike Tao: [holding up a pizza box from the trash] Yeah, but this box was on the bottom of the pile. All this other stuff was on top.
Lt. Louie Provenza: So he hangs out here all weekend with a dead body in the tub - eating?

Poster Boy: What's going on?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Getting rid of the worst houseguest ever.

Lt. Louie Provenza: The Captain and DDA Rios are waiting for you in Chief Taylor's office
Rusty Beck: What for?
Lt. Louie Provenza: [sympathetically] You KNOW what for.

"Major Crimes: Taking the Fall (#4.14)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: Uh-huh. Road rage. The holiday season has begun.

Louie Provenza: God, pumpkin soup. Add it to the list of things I will NEVER understand.

Louie Provenza: [hoping to scoot out from the investigation to retrieve a ham from a free-range butcher] So what are we investigating, a scuffle between two saints?
Julio Sanchez: [to Sharon] Oh, I wouldn't say that. According to the HR department at Hamilton/Lockwood where Mr. Palmer worked, there were two complaints filed against him professionally. One through his office, accusing him of making sexually inappropriate remarks and jokes, ma'am...
Louie Provenza: Oh, well, did you write any of the jokes down?
Louie Provenza: [noting Capt. Raydor's disapproving gaze] Well, you know, just to see how inflammatory they were.
Sharon Raydor: Don't lose your ham, Lieutenant.

Buzz Watson: [about their reticent suspect] Maybe he's the strong silent type.
Louie Provenza: Yeah, but does he speak softly and carry a big tire iron?

Dr. Liu: As a result of the fall, Mr. Flynn, the blood clot has moved to a more dangerous position.
Sharon Raydor: More dangerous?
Dr. Liu: [indicating lower neck to behind the ear] Yeah. This is where it was. It's migrated to here.
Dr. Liu: [to Flynn] Closer to you brain! Okay?
Louie Provenza: How do you describe that medically?
Dr. Liu: By saying "Oh, boy, do we need to operate, Mr. Flynn."

"Major Crimes: Return to Sender, Part 2 (#2.19)" (2014)
Amy Sykes: Oh, my God, this place! Ever thought about cleaning after yourselves, Lieutenant?
Louie Provenza: Yeah, the last person that said that to me, Sykes, I divorced... twice.

Louie Provenza: Last time I qualified with my weapon, I scored a perfect target. Have your friends at, uh, FID come down and take my after-action report and I'll, uh, check in with my union rep.

Louie Provenza: As you walk through that door, just remember that I'm very proud of you, Rusty. Very proud.

Susan Mills: It's easy money, and I was just trying to find some way for Ryan and me to survive
Andy Flynn: And pay for your drug habit.
Susan Mills: Yes. I was strung out back then, but one night we met a man, a nice man. I thought he was a nice man - Henry Jinks. He took an interest in us, and we moved in with him for a while. He had a place in Marina del Rey. Uhh... Not sure you'll understand what happened after that.
Sharon Raydor: Doesn't sound that complicated: You needed heroine and a place to stay, and you started sleeping with Henry Jinks.
Susan Mills: No. I didn't sleep with him. Not me.
Louie Provenza: My God...

"The Closer: To Serve with Love (#7.3)" (2011)
Louie Provenza: [whispering] How'd you like to make a quick two-thousand bucks, cash?
Andy Flynn: No, thanks. Anything that begins with you whispering always ends with other people shouting.

Brenda Leigh Johnson: With Capt. Raydor conducting a transparency audit on this entire division, you thought it was a brilliant idea to use one of our civilian techs to track a private citizen without a warrant?
Louie Provenza: Well, I wouldn't say "brilliant."

Louie Provenza: Yeah, yeah, I'm off duty and I flashed my badge. I flashed it. Sue me.
Buzz Watson: I would, but I don't want another body landing on my car.

Scott Esposito: [looking at the motel menu] Is anybody besides me getting hungry?
Louie Provenza: No. Sit down and shut up.
Scott Esposito: Oh, it's an UNCATERED kidnapping.

"Major Crimes: Flight Risk (#3.1)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: What's going on in here, Tao?
Mike Tao: Every once in a while, when I'm working at night, I like to stop and smell the chlorine, especially when there's no sign of an indoor pool. Someone has cleaned this room with a lot of bleach, recently.

Sharon Raydor: She's lying about how solid her marriage is.
Andy Flynn: Hmm.
Louie Provenza: Yeah, and how often have we run into that before?

Rusty Beck: And, um, that... that other thing... that you... that you think you know... I am not ready to talk about that at all.
Louie Provenza: Thank God.

Russell Taylor: Do we have any idea who her mystery date might be?
Louie Provenza: No, but she's about to tell us.

"Major Crimes: Letting It Go (#3.4)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: Talk to her father, her brothers, any other angry guy in her life.
Andy Flynn: Yeah, well, if my daughter was raped and the guy got away with it... I don't know what I would do.
Julio Sanchez: Make sure we'd never find the body.
Andy Flynn: You wouldn't find blood in the drain like I just did.

DDA Jeff Lee: Uh, you already have one woman confessing this murder.
Amy Sykes: Corporal Day was lying.
DDA Jeff Lee: Uh, that's gonna be very hard to explain.
Louie Provenza: Luckily, we're in the explanation business. What business are you in?

Louie Provenza: God, my brains have turned to soup and they're spilling out my ears.

Louie Provenza: We didn't record anything in the good old days and still made our cases.
Buzz Watson: But now that the dinosaurs are extinct...
Louie Provenza: Can't you just fire him?

"Major Crimes: Rules of Engagement (#2.7)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm, normally I'd throw him back in prison, but old Speedy might have seen something useful last night.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Oh, God. Don't you just love gang cases?
Detective Julio Sanchez: I don't think this is gangs.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Why? The vehicle was found in gang territory with a gang weapon in the back seat.
Detective Julio Sanchez: Nobody would have left the car on the street like that...
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Speedy and his Third Streeters... I'm not finished! Speedy and his Third Streeters, they think it was gangs. It was a drive-by. Plus, I...
Detective Julio Sanchez: Plus, you need to watch your mouth.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Excuse me?
Detective Julio Sanchez: Did you grow up sleeping on the floor every night so you wouldn't get hit by gunfire? Anyone in your family shot dead on the street? You spend fifteen years of your career hunting these guys? It's not gangs! And you stop talkin' to me like I'm your waiter.
[gets out of the room]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Wow. Does he always get that... that... that-that hostile?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm, hmm. Actually, Emma, I think what he was trying to say, in his own way, was don't be so damn rude. Excuse me.
[gets out of the room]
D.D.A. Emma Rios: I wasn't rude. I was...
Buzz Watson: Obnoxious? Dismissive?
Lt. Mike Tao: So, what's your theory of the crime?

Jackson Raydor: I want to see that video of Javier's interrogation before I leave here. I won't let you trample that man's civil rights in order for you to get what you need.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Sit. Wait. We'll get back to you after we've burned the Constitution. Like you really care.
Captain Sharon Raydor: No questions.
Detective Julio Sanchez: Right. Javier, we're not allowed to interview you, but there're two things that you should know. First, we're about to search your neighborhood for all the places that you could have buried Melissa Orr, paying special attention to your former addresses and homes of family members; and, secondly, whatever your relationship with Browning used to be, he doesn't like you anymore. It's gonna take days for the courts to find someone to defend you, since this is a death penalty case.
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: Death? But... Well, c-can't you help me?
Captain Sharon Raydor: Not if you invoke your rights.
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: But what if I gave up my rights?
Detective Julio Sanchez: Well, if you cooperate now, the DA has already agreed to give you a deal for second-degree murder - 17-to-life - so you have a parole date.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Of course, if you didn't kill Melissa, then you're okay.
Detective Julio Sanchez: And maybe you don't care about doing what's right, but maybe your relationship with Christ was like a joke that you played to get out of prison.
Javier 'Speedy' Reyes: It's not a joke. Christ is the only thing that matters in my life. The Bible says it. Look it up.

[Rusty asks Lt. Provenza and Buzz for help in getting out of a dinner date with Kris and her parents]
Lt. Louie Provenza: [referring to Rusty's mom] Just, uh, tell me Rusty, you ever have anyone in your life that you really cared about just not show up and leave you hanging?
Rusty Beck: S'not like that.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Oh, but it is. It's exactly like that.

Lt. Louie Provenza: What do you think, Captain? Is Browning our guy, was he trying to kill Speedy, or have we merely been documenting the role of chance in the universe?

"Major Crimes: Curve Ball (#2.15)" (2013)
Louie Provenza: Heh, nothing says Christmas in LA like a string bikini.
Andy Flynn: Why did I let you talk me into Christmas shopping on Venice Beach? There's nothing for my daughter's two new stepkids here, nothing.
Louie Provenza: Except the best kite shop in Los Angeles. Roxie's High Life, huh?
Andy Flynn: Are you kidding me? You said it was a kite shop.
Louie Provenza: That also sells bongs. Come on. Hey, Flynn, come on. When have I ever steered you wrong?

Buzz Watson: So, if those boys didn't do it, does that mean this is an open investigation? I'm only asking because my sister and I are supposed to go Christmas shopping today.
Amy Sykes: And my family just arrived two hours ago because...
Louie Provenza: Look, I know that we were scheduled to take this week off for the holidays. Now, don't blame me because we have a victim. Blame Flynn.

Louie Provenza: Hey, Sanchez, what'd this guy buy at Target?
Julio Sanchez: Electric train set, sir.
Alex Bennett: [on the monitor screen] And we've got two little boys. I only used that credit card to buy them one thing, so they'd have something to open from Santa.
Buzz Watson: Oh, my God. I didn't think it was possible but... Christmas just got more depressing.

Louie Provenza: Mike, the, uh, dumpster driver was trying to buy a train set for his kids with, uh, the victim's stolen credit card that he found. Charge another one to my card, if you would, and make sure he gets it before we send him on his way.

"Major Crimes: The Shame Game (#1.7)" (2012)
Louie Provenza: I think we might just need a snake wrangler to help us with all of our new political friends.

Louie Provenza: [to Rusty] Hope you're proud of yourself. Really classy accusing her of wanting to get rid of you.

Louie Provenza: For the record, I'm uncomfortable.

Dr. Morales: The killer snaps the neck, severing the spinal cord, interrupting signals to the brain. Panic never sets in; so, no struggle while the killer proceeds to stab, very methodically, here, then here, then stabs the throat. Very little blood produced since the heart is no longer pumping properly. Every - wound - fatal.
Louie Provenza: So, this was a professional hit?
Dr. Morales: Well, that's for you to decide; but, whoever killed this man avoided all the muss of a frontal assault and was thorough enough to make sure the victim was dead several times over.
Sharon Raydor: Sound like hand-to-hand combat to you, Lieutenant?
Louie Provenza: Maybe we should ask a soldier.

"The Closer: Walking Back the Cat (#5.4)" (2009)
Louie Provenza: What's this?
Andy Flynn: We're joining the FBI, but it's only temporary - like love.

Louie Provenza: Uh, Buzz, would you mind, uh, escorting Lauren into the electronics room while we have our briefing?
Buzz Watson: Not at all.
Louie Provenza: Thanks, man. Oh, oh, and, Buzz, ahem, why don't you, uh... why don't you show her one of my old interviews?
Buzz Watson: Sure. How about the one with you and John Wilkes Booth?

Lauren Hines: Okay, you be careful out there.
Louie Provenza: Oh, tell that to the bad guys.
[Buzz keeps his face buried in his hand]

Buzz Watson: You should watch how you kiss her. Your gun almost went off.
Louie Provenza: You have no idea.

"Major Crimes: Risk Assessment (#2.16)" (2013)
Louie Provenza: And the only reason that you are riding along with us is to see if you can be a team player and follow directions, and so far, Mr. Beck, you are doing a crappy job.
Rusty Beck: Let's have it.
Louie Provenza: Stay in the hall.
Rusty Beck: [to Buzz after Provenza exits] Geez. Why is he being so rude?
Buzz Watson: Not following orders is worse than being rude. If you want the captain to sign papers approving your participation in an SIS operation, you better do what the lieutenant says.
Rusty Beck: Bu... but just standing here is boring.
Buzz Watson: You expect us all to be fascinated with your life, but you never take the smallest interest in other people.
Rusty Beck: I do so take an interest in other people. I do that all the time.
Buzz Watson: All the time? Really?
Rusty Beck: Yeah.
Buzz Watson: So tell me, why did Lieutenant Provenza become a detective? What was Mike Tao going to do before he started working Homicides? The reason you can't answer those questions is because you never ask people about themselves - ever. Not even how they're doing in the morning.
Rusty Beck: Well, I don't have to ask how you're doing because you're, like, obviously in a really bad mood.
Buzz Watson: No. I'm disappointed... again.

Rusty Beck: So I've been thinking over, um, being a team player, and if this really is a team, then shouldn't I know more about the people playing on it?
Andy Flynn: You asking a question about us?
Rusty Beck: Yes. Why is that such a huge surprise? It's not like I'm an egomaniac. I am interested in other people.
Louie Provenza: Mmm, 'kay. All right. What are you interested in?
Rusty Beck: Well, you know, like, why did you become a police officer?
Louie Provenza: 'Cause I'm scared of fire. I'd rather be shot at than stand on the roof of a burning building surrounded by flames. Plus, I enjoy telling people what to do. It's fulfilling.
Rusty Beck: And, uh, what about you, Lieutenant Flynn?
Louie Provenza: Oh, God. The short version, please.
Andy Flynn: When I was a kid, my older brother and I, we, um, "borrowed" a motorcycle that belonged to my cousin and took it for a joyride, and this cop, Officer Nichols, he caught us and brought us downtown, showed us the jail, and said, "This is where you're headed." Now, my brother, he didn't think too much of Officer Nichols, but me, I decided, better putting people in jail than going there myself. Right?
Rusty Beck: So, you were almost a criminal.
Louie Provenza: Ah, here we are.

Andy Flynn: Mike, you have an apartment number for our victim?
Rusty Beck: I think it's that one.
Louie Provenza: And how do you know that, Detective Beck?
Rusty Beck: Because that's where Brenda's husband is standing.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Is there a reason why two hundred members of the 12th Street Rounders were arrested and no one thought to call me?
Louie Provenza: Yes, because that's not our concern. We're only trying to find a suspect in the murders of Robert Keller and Tyler Rhodes.

"Major Crimes: Personal Effects (#4.6)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: [spotting his lamps in a removal box] What... Well, what's this?
Patrice Perry: Well, they look like hunting decoys with lampshades mounted to them.
Louie Provenza: Patrice, I-I've had these lamps for over thirty years.
Patrice Perry: Okay, look, how 'bout you keep just one of them?
Louie Provenza: Well... Patrice, we... we can't split them up. Ducks mate for life.

Louie Provenza: Please, God, tell me you have a murder.

Louie Provenza: You know, just because you're gay doesn't make you an expect on interior design.

Louie Provenza: How are we gonna get to the truth if we start involving lawyers?

"The Closer: Home Improvement (#7.6)" (2011)
Dr. Morales: Now, all I can tell you about the murder weapon is that it's conical in shape, pointy at the top and widening out towards the base.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Sounds exactly like my second wife.

Brenda Leigh Johnson: [learning abut the dead man] A sex offender?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mm. Sure you don't just want to cover him up and call it a day?

[Pope sees a garden gnome in the murder room wearing handcuffs]
Lt. Louie Provenza: [answering Pope's quizzical expression] Flight risk.

"Major Crimes: Acting Out (#3.13)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: This bum was a child star?
Buzz Watson: Before he got mixed up in drugs, J-ME had his own television series, records, concerts.
Amy Sykes: He was incredibly hot.
Louie Provenza: Yeah, well, now he's barely room temperature.

Nicole: I would invite everyone, but we only have so many tickets.
Louie Provenza: Oh, no problem. After five marriages, I know "The Nutcracker" by heart.

Louie Provenza: And Flynn and I will get a warrant, go to the studio where J-ME was filming, check out his dressing room.
Mike Tao: Trailer.
Andy Flynn: Trailer. Heh. Oh, my God. Mr. Show Business speaks.

"Major Crimes: Year-End Blowout (#2.17)" (2013)
Lt. Reed: Here's what we know: A vehicle exploded at 11:34 hours. Blast pattern indicates an inciting reaction with extremely high deflagration.
[Provenza shows puzzled look]
Mike Tao: He means it was definitely a bomb.
Lt. Reed: And in mapping the geography of the debris field back to the blast point, the device was likely anterior to the fuel tank, piggybacked on to the solenoid.
Mike Tao: The bomb had a trigger.
Louie Provenza: Well, where is the trigger?
Lt. Reed: We haven't been able to fully access the evidence.
Mike Tao: They haven't, uh, found the trigger.

Louie Provenza: All right, Flynn. When is a bomb not just a bomb?
Andy Flynn: When it's a smoking gun.

Louie Provenza: Not a good day to be the king.

"Major Crimes: Boys Will Be Boys (#2.6)" (2013)
Anne Brand: Why is that important?
Captain Sharon Raydor: Because the dirt on the blade of this shovel matches the dirt in your daughter's grave.
Lt. Louie Provenza: And the dirt on these shoes of yours, it also matches the dirt from your daughter's grave.
Anne Brand: That's probably because the house - that I told you about? - it backs right up to the park. And I'm not a geologist or whatever, but I bet that's why the dirt is the same.
Captain Sharon Raydor: You know, that's a really good explanation, Mrs. Brand. Now could you also explain how you know that your daughter was buried in the park? Because we never told you that.
Anne Brand: You-you said, uh... You...
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mrs. Brand, we have arrived at that point in our relationship that the lying has to end.
Anne Brand: I am a good mother. I'm a good mother. I'm a good mother... and I want a lawyer.
Lt. Louie Provenza: You'll need one.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Because as of this moment, you are under arrest for murder in the first degree.

Lt. Louie Provenza: I promise you, Mr. Brand, we can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that your wife buried your daughter.
John Brand: I don't believe it. My wife could never, ever murder her own child. It's impossible.
Matt Brand: Yeah, Mom didn't kill Michelle. We all loved Michelle.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Is that why you keep calling her cell phone, Matt, even though you know she's dead?
Lt. Louie Provenza: But you didn't call her, not a single time, the entire month before she died.
Captain Sharon Raydor: You texted each other a lot, but you never called.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Until the night before last, when you dialed your sister's number over one hundred times in a row before you supposedly knew she was missing. Why?
Captain Sharon Raydor: I think I know why. Your mother was in the park looking for Michelle's body, hunting for where you left it by following the ring tone. Is that how it happened?

Anne Brand: Does that make me a bad mother?
Lt. Louie Provenza: No, but to me this shovel brings your parenting skills into serious question.

"The Closer: Red Tape (#5.3)" (2009)
Louie Provenza: I remember Raydor back when she was a sergeant. Filed a complaint against my old partner George Andrews. Said he was misogynistic, heh. We had to look it up. Got both of us four months of sensitivity training.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Well, that was a complete waste of time.

Louie Provenza: A relationship based on love is worth fighting for. Isn't it?
Andy Flynn: Who ARE you?

FID Officer Randall: Hey-hey-HEY! What're you doin'?
Louie Provenza: We're headed for the newsstand, pick up a paper, read about the two FID guys who got fired because they disregarded orders from the Pope.
FID Officer Randall: Listen, I'm not gonna...
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Tone, tone, tone. That's no way to talk to a lieutenant, or a deputy chief for that matter. Sir, if you do anything to interfere with my murder investigation, I'll see to it you spend the next month on unpaid leave. Is that understood? Okay, Buzz. Buzz, start filming everything over here, including the unhappy officers over there.

"Major Crimes: Pick Your Poison (#2.12)" (2013)
Rusty Beck: I feel like m-my life is like... I just, I feel like my life is being sacrificed so that you all can have a trial.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It's tough. We know that. That's why we wanna talk to you about all three ways to deal with these threats.
Assistant Chief Taylor: Not three ways. Two ways.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Three.
Assistant Chief Taylor: No. No, no.

Lt. Louie Provenza: The Internet is more dangerous than guns.

Assistant Chief Taylor: Okay, let's get back to the boy. What do you think he'd want to do, given the chance?
Captain Sharon Raydor: Help. He'd wanna help.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Uh, call me cynical - heh, everybody does - but when a teenager wants to do something - I mean REALLY wants to do something - it's a perfect opportunity for a parent, or a deal-maker, to negotiate concessions. Sharon, we know what Rusty wants from us, but what do you want from him?

"Major Crimes: Return to Sender (#2.18)" (2014)
Mike Tao: Jesus Chavez was released from County two days ago after a month inside on a drug bust. Previously arrested for attempted murder, assault, gun charges. Did nine years for armed robbery.
Louie Provenza: Oh, so this Jesus was not the son of God.
Mike Tao: Hm, unlikely.

Mike Tao: It's called an authorship attribution program. You can download it for free on the internet, but before I explain what it is...
Mike Tao: [to Provenza] ... let me assure you that this is the short version.
Louie Provenza: Oh, boy.
Mike Tao: Basically, the program compares texts. It ranks words by their usage, particularly articles like "the" and prepositions like "or" and "to" - words that might seem inconsequential but, in fact, leave an authorial fingerprint on most any work; so, by taking a sampling of legal motions written by Stroh and comparing them to motions authored by Reyes...
Sharon Raydor: You can prove Stroh wrote them.
Mike Tao: According to the program, it's a 96% probability.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Unfortunately, this will not be considered evidence in court.
Sharon Raydor: We don't need it to be.

Russell Taylor: So out dead gangbanger and possibly two other convicts were murdered by the same guy who's been writing letters for Phillip Stroh?
Louie Provenza: Well, if it's NOT the same guy, it's from the Guinness Book of Coincidences.

"The Closer: Old Money (#6.11)" (2010)
Lieutenant Andy Flynn: [waking up in the hospital to see Provenza holding a balloon] So there is a hell.
Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: You're not there yet, Lieutenant.
Detective Lt. Provenza: [Flynn glances at the balloon, which says "It's a Girl", Provenza shrugs] It's the only one they had in the gift shop.

Sgt. David Gabriel: Chief, I just ran into Captain Raydor out in the hallway and she said "hello" to me.
Detective Lt. Provenza: She's up to something.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: Someone paid this guy to kill Lt. Flynn.
Detective Lt. Provenza: I'm in violent agreement.

"The Closer: The Butler Did It (#1.10)" (2005)
Det. Lt. Provenza: I've been waiting my entire career to say this...
[long pause]
Det. Lt. Provenza: The butler did it.

Det. Lt. Provenza: Uh... I'm not saying we don't do good work around here, but we *rarely* get a confession out of a dead guy.

Det. Lt. Provenza: I'm glad he's dead. Cuz that would've really hurt.

"Major Crimes: Zoo Story (#3.10)" (2014)
Sharon Raydor: What did this man look like?
Mr. Tariiji: White. Thirty, thirty-five.
Louie Provenza: Thirty, thirty-five? That could be anyone.
Buzz Watson: Not you.

Louie Provenza: You, um... You're sure you want to see this?
Rusty Beck: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I have to see it.
Louie Provenza: Well, it wasn't just vitamins and energy bars. In her purse, your mother also had two dresses and a pair of shoes she had liberated from a department store. Plus a little meth.
Rusty Beck: I don't get it. Why does she keep using drugs?
Louie Provenza: We can't know the answer to that, but you listen to me, son. Her drug use has nothing to do with you.

Mike Tao: WAIT! One second! The girl on the gurney, she was at the club the same night Kate Sherman was abducted.
Louie Provenza: What?
Ann McGinnis: You know, she doesn't look much like the other girls who went missing.
Mike Tao: Or like she was on a liquid diet.

"Major Crimes: Party Foul (#3.12)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: We'll never get there without Patrice's help.
Sharon Raydor: Patrice.
Louie Provenza: Or Keisha's grandmother.
Sharon Raydor: And is she a decent person?
Louie Provenza: I think so. Yes. Yes, but she's not just going to roll over to help us put Keisha away forever because she has a good heart. Captain, I... I know this woman. I've just spent 24 hours with her, building a trusting relationship.
Sharon Raydor: And who's been using that trusting relationship, Lieutenant? You or her?

Louie Provenza: So, um, right up the street, there is a pretty good steakhouse with a fully stocked bar. I think a decent meal and a good, stiff drink would do us both some good.
Patrice Perry: Damn it, Lieutenant, I... I have never met anyone in my life who ended up bringing me so much grief, and... and now you're gonna ask me out to dinner?
Louie Provenza: Unless you have a better offer. You can be miserable here, alone... or miserable with me.
Patrice Perry: I am gonna look for the most expensive item on the menu, and I'm ordering two of them.
Louie Provenza: Then I'll have half of yours.

Julio Sanchez: You coming back with us, sir?
Louie Provenza: No. Like I have most of my life - I'm waiting to talk to the girl.

"Major Crimes: The Deep End (#2.8)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: And we are hearing the D.A.'s version of events already because...?
D.D.A. Emma Rios: Does the name Trayvon Martin mean anything to you? I'm sorry, Lieutenant. If the LAPD isn't gonna get ahead of the race issue, then the D.A.'s office will.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Ah, well, thanks for bringing politics into the situation. We police officers sometimes get confused by trying to solve the murder.

D.D.A. Emma Rios: Lieutenant Provenza, it might be wise for you to talk to the press and straighten things out.
Lt. Louie Provenza: I'm working a murder, not a political sideshow.
D.D.A. Emma Rios: If you're busy, what about Detective Sanchez, then?
Detective Julio Sanchez: Good luck.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Do me a favor? Push these people back.
Cop: How far?
Lt. Louie Provenza: Mile or two would be nice.

"Major Crimes: Internal Affairs (#3.17)" (2015)
Sharon Raydor: Sergeant Staples, it's good to see you.
Sgt. Staples: Captain.
Sharon Raydor: Although I wish it were under different circumstances.
Sgt. Staples: Thank you for turning over the crime scene.
Louie Provenza: Well, there's never been a rule she didn't follow.

Julio Sanchez: Wow... After everything... that I've done here... you two treat me the same way... that you would... a dirtbag suspect off the street... Am I under arrest, ma'am?
Sharon Raydor: No. Julio, everything we've done is to...
Julio Sanchez: My mom needs my help. Excuse me.
Louie Provenza: Julio.
Sharon Raydor: Of course.
Louie Provenza: Julio, we're doing this for your own good.
Mike Tao: [Sanchez walks to the elevator] Julio.
Julio Sanchez: Why didn't you tell me what was going on?
Mike Tao: There's an open I.A. investigation. If they knew we told you Tino was murdered before they questioned you, it's not good.
Julio Sanchez: Did you see the guy?
Mike Tao: I did.
Julio Sanchez: I messed him up. It's not like he was unconscious or anything. I mean, he ran away, Tao.
Mike Tao: I know you didn't do it. Meanwhile, you gotta follow procedure right now. Procedure is your friend, okay? Let us find the suspect.

Sgt. Staples: We've uncovered an unacceptable pattern of behavior that absolutely has to change. Although we've cleared you of criminal charges, during the course of our on-going investigation, we found several interactions with suspects in which you displayed an unwarranted amount of physical contact.
Louie Provenza: And, as I've pointed out, in each instance Detective Sanchez was severely reprimanded.
Sgt. Staples: And those reprimands are not having the desired effect, it seems, are they, Lieutenant?
Sharon Raydor: In consultation with Professional Standards, the sergeant and I have come up with a compromise that will allow you to remain on active duty.
Sgt. Staples: L.A.P.D. requires that you attend two anger management sessions a week over the next twelve months. Detective, I urge you to follow this solution in-in the hope that it can resolve this ongoing issue you have at work, and it seems, in your life. I will forward the paperwork over. Okay?
Julio Sanchez: Yes, okay.
Sgt. Staples: Very good.
Sharon Raydor: Thank you, Sergeant.
Sgt. Staples: Captain.
Sharon Raydor: Mm-hm.
Louie Provenza: Julio, this anger management is a "get out of jail free" card, and the compromise that the captain has worked out...
Julio Sanchez: I appreciate it, Captain. I do.
Sharon Raydor: I know, Julio, but you have to follow through with it, otherwise this deal falls completely apart.
Julio Sanchez: Don't worry, ma'am. I'm ready. In fact, I'm gonna need all the anger management help I can find.
Julio Sanchez: Excuse me.

"The Closer: Make Over (#5.14)" (2009)
Louie Provenza: You know, Andrews, when those doctors cut your balls off, they should have pulled the stick out of your ass at the same time!

Andy Flynn: I mean, if we had any priors, we wouldn't need Osgood's confession.
Louie Provenza: But we HAVE Osgood's confession. It's just because Empty Pants here won't bite the bullet and put on the clothes that he was BORN TO WEAR. Doesn't mean that we can't have somebody read his testimony in court.
Mike Tao: I believe you can only do that if he isn't available.
Louie Provenza: HEEEEEE... ISN'T available.

Andy Flynn: So, you ready to go - Louie?
Louie Provenza: [chuckles] Call me that just once more and Georgette won't be my only ex-partner without a penis.

"The Closer: Saving Face (#3.3)" (2007)
Det. Lt. Provenza: [looking at the blonde who has just rolled out of Ray Hodge's dropped casket] Wow. Looks like you *can* take it with you.

Det. Lt. Provenza: [with a mouth full] Nothing tastes better than somebody else's wedding cake. Mine tasted like prison food.

Det. Lt. Provenza: [pall-bearers are having trouble carrying the casket] God, Hodge! How much weight did you put on?

"The Closer: Fate Line (#4.14)" (2009)
Claire Howard: [using her psychic vision] Oh, the victim, yes, I... I see... I see a river and a bridge and a nearby train... and-and a barking dog in the background... and... and an odd-looking tree.
Andy Flynn: A river, a train and a barking dog.
Louie Provenza: Throw in a pick-up truck, we've got a country song.

Louie Provenza: [seeing Claire go into a trance] You be careful out there.

Louie Provenza: I don't know if you've noticed, but, um, Gabriel and Daniels can hardly stand to be in the same room together anymore.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: I already issued an order for them to sort out their romantic problems.
Louie Provenza: You-you are an excellent leader, Chief, but... you can't just boss around the human heart.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Lieutenant, I'm in the middle of a double homicide investigation. I don't wanna talk about this right now.
Louie Provenza: Well, I don't wanna talk about it either, but... Look, Sanchez was gone for four months on a disability leave, and then... and then Gabriel took a week off for some training, and Daniels was off at some Homeland Security labs for two weeks. I mean... Look, I may not be a psychic, but as an experienced civil servant, I can tell you this: the brass will not let you do with six people what you'e proven you can do with five.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: [thinking] Chief Pope told me this morning that he may have to promote someone from Major Crimes to the CI Division.
Louie Provenza: Well, there it is, then. There it is. And, I'm telling' you, Chief, h-h-he could take Sanchez, or Tao, or even Flynn, and our problem would still be the same, and it's sitting right out there.
[Brenda and Provenza gaze out at Daniels and Gabriel working at their desks]

"Major Crimes: Trial by Fire (#3.14)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: You understand that it's days like this that make detectives wanna just give up, right? Eventually, it becomes clear: You're just pushing the rock up the hill so it can roll back down over your heart and crush your life's work.

Louie Provenza: You know that this is going to make your ex-husband... mad as hell?
Captain Sharon Raydor: I hope so, Lieutenant. That's when he makes his worst mistakes.

Andy Flynn: [sees "Application for Retirement" form on his desk] What is this? Some kind of a joke?
Louie Provenza: Heh, you... you didn't print up a retirement application?
Mike Tao: Oh, that's mine. Forgot all about it, and it's not about retiring. It's about the deferred pension program. My business manager wants to check it out.
Julio Sanchez: Deferred pension?
Buzz Watson: What is that?
Mike Tao: Well, ideally, you put away more money from your paycheck, so you can save it tax-free until you retire.
Amy Sykes: What... what, you have a business manager?
Mike Tao: Well, he deals mainly with my consulting fees from "Badge of Justice".
Andy Flynn: Oh, my God, how much do you make on the show anyway?
Mike Tao: Well, my business manager said I shouldn't talk about it.
Louie Provenza: Wait, wait, wait, so you're not thinking about calling it quits?
Andy Flynn: Of course I think about it. Every day. But the truth is... I've given up so much of my life for this job, including a decent relationship with my children and most of my faith in the human race, that there's... no place else on earth that I fit in.
Louie Provenza: Now, that's the right attitude.

"Major Crimes: Personal Day (#3.2)" (2014)
Cesar Padilla: I don't need an attorney. I need a new identity. You people have to put me into the witness protection program or something right now.
Sharon Raydor: You already admitted to lying to Detective Sanchez about what you saw the night that Ana was murdered.
Julio Sanchez: Now you have to tell us why, or we will charge you with covering up a murder.
Cesar Padilla: What?
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [in the monitor room] He never testified under oath, so he can't be held liable for making a false statement.
Louie Provenza: Don't fixate on the details, Hobbs.

Louie Provenza: Around here, nothing's ever "over."

Mike Tao: How's your personal day going?
Louie Provenza: Didn't the captain tell you?
Mike Tao: Tell us what?
Louie Provenza: You'll hear about it soon enough.

"Major Crimes: Before and After (#1.2)" (2012)
Louie Provenza: Ah, this is a crappy way to make a living, dealing with the worst the world has to offer without being in charge.
Andy Flynn: You weren't in charge for eight years.
Louie Provenza: Yeah, but now I'm mad about it.

Andy Flynn: She's smart and dumb at the same time.
Louie Provenza: Oh, she's not dumb. She's choosing sides.

Sharon Raydor: Lieutenant, aren't you experienced enough to speak your mind with me AND remember my rank?
Louie Provenza: Well, of course, I am. The problem is I-I don't want to.

"The Closer: Necessary Evil (#7.11)" (2011)
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Uh, Lieutenant, when did I arrive?
Louie Provenza: From Atlanta or tonight?

Louie Provenza: Apropos of nothing, really, when can Major Crimes start planning your retirement party? I wanna bring the balloon animals myself.

"Major Crimes: Two Options (#3.7)" (2014)
Jamey Perez: Because only two things that can be done in a situation like this.
Sharon Raydor: A hostage negotiation or a rescue.
Gloria Lim: Hostage negotiation, with SWAT.
Ann McGinnis: Is that based on your vast professional experience? Because I think this is definitely a rescue operation.
Russell Taylor: Uh, while we're evacuating building, why don't we run those options by a behavioral science professional?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Oh.
Dr. Joe Bowman: I, I came to help the children afterward. If you're gonna profile an adult offender, maybe someone else...
Jamey Perez: That's okay, Dr. Joe. Just listen to the two options and then give Miss Lim here your best bet as to which one we should pursue. Commander?
Ann McGinnis: Do we try and negotiate with this murderer or do we rescue the hostages by taking him by surprise?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well, clinically, that's an impossible question to answer, but the suspect had several years in prison to plan what he'd do after release, so we have to believe that murdering his parents and kidnapping his children and wife are all constituent parts of that plan. Also, he found someone willing to help him, which suggests he's persuasive, organized and determined. I have to say, so far, he seems to have done everything he wanted to do, so... I'm worried by the absence of an exit strategy.
Ann McGinnis: That's okay, doctor. As it turns out, I am a specialist in exit strategies.
Louie Provenza: I say get your snipers ready, Commander.
Gloria Lim: Snipers? Snipers endanger the children's lives.
Sharon Raydor: We will only be firing non-lethal Arwen rounds through the window to distract him.
Gloria Lim: Firing them from where? The top floor of your suspect's building is the highest point available.
Ann McGinnis: No. It isn't.

Louie Provenza: Ah, Captain, we waited at the hospital till Julio's mother got there, then we left.
Sharon Raydor: I'm still going. How is he?
Mike Tao: He's upset.
Sharon Raydor: From the... the pain?
Louie Provenza: No. His mother. She drives him crazy. And he just bought that suit.
Andy Flynn: Spent a lot of money on it, for him.

"The Closer: Ruby (#3.4)" (2007)
Louie Provenza: Do NOT... leave this room!
Buzz Watson: Why not?
Louie Provenza: Because Sgt. Gabriel is about to make a break in the case.

Louie Provenza: Thirty-year-old single man lives alone with no pornography. THAT'S suspicious.

"Major Crimes: Hindsight, Part 2 (#4.20)" (2016)
Louie Provenza: I want to go BIG. I mean, this could be my very last marriage.
Buzz Watson: How many times have you said that before?

Louie Provenza: I say we draw straws. Short one gets to shoot him.
Andy Flynn: It's not worth wasting a bullet.
Julio Sanchez: I'll donate one.

"The Closer: Armed Response (#7.20)" (2012)
Andy Flynn: We're still gonna take this case?
Louie Provenza: I'm up, I'm dressed, I'm making time-and-a-half. Let's go.

Louie Provenza: Cannabis, candles, and condoms - sounds like young romance.

"Major Crimes: Backfire (#2.10)" (2013)
Assistant Chief Taylor: Look, why don't we turn our limited resources back to where they belong - the victim, Briana Mathis? You already know who's responsible. He's seated right there, in the next room, hopin' for a deal. Get him to cooperate with you.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Maybe you haven't noticed, but Goss's lawyer won't even let Goss talk to us.
Assistant Chief Taylor: Chief Johnson could have found a way around this.
Lt. Andy Flynn: She would have, but then we would be back defending ourselves in court.
Lt. Louie Provenza: We don't have to convince Jason Goss to confess. He's already done that. Now, we have to convince Jason Goss to confess again under less favorable circumstances.
Captain Sharon Raydor: And I am sure that Chief Johnson could have done that, too. On the other hand, she never would've reported to you, and as it so happens, I intend to begin our second investigation by following through on this 911 call.

Captain Sharon Raydor: Actually, we could give him to you now as part of a plea agreement to Murder Two. The judge would accept that, as would Goss, if we had just a little more proof that he killed Briana.
Assistant Chief Taylor: Good point, Captain. Does the FBI have anything on Goss they could afford to give up?
Scott Shaw: Okay, look... that scumbag she thought was her boyfriend...
Captain Sharon Raydor: Hm, Cory? Cory something?
Scott Shaw: Mm-hm.
Captain Sharon Raydor: He drove a Mercedes-S, I think?
Scott Shaw: I can tell you, on the record, that was the car Briana was pushed from. Cory was behind the wheel of it when she left the club. Let me see if we can bring the kid in without harming our case.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Excuse me, uh, I have a call.
Lt. Louie Provenza: [phone rings] Joe's Pizza.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Lieutenant, I've got it. We've got information from the FBI that gives us probable cause and a straight and narrow path to the Mercedes outside Goss's Statement of Facts.
Lt. Louie Provenza: So we can arrest Cory Stark and apply for a search warrant based on FBI information?
Captain Sharon Raydor: Yes, but in order to use him against Mr. Goss, I need Cory Stark alive and talking.

"Major Crimes: The Jumping Off Point (#4.15)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: Oh, and congratulations, Sykes. You've ruined a perfectly good suicide.

Louie Provenza: Look, all Flynn needs is a little murder somewhere and he'll perk right up.

"Major Crimes: Blackout (#4.12)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: Captain, if I can ruin Jack Raydor's day, I promise you the please will be all mine.

Russell Taylor: [speculating on the case] What? The baby did it?
Louie Provenza: Well, it's new. It's never the baby.

"Major Crimes: Fifth Dynasty (#4.10)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: Have you noticed that, in addition to barbecues and children's birthday parties, backyards seem to attract murders?

Louie Provenza: Gustavo, I know it seems unfair but sometimes older brothers... sometimes older brothers have to make sacrifices for their younger siblings.

"Major Crimes: Leap of Faith (#3.16)" (2014)
Louie Provenza: Oh, well, Miss Kemp might have loved the guy, but she was definitely getting a pig in a poke, as we used to say. You know, it's-it's interesting how Bill George could turn his life around, enough so that he could have an adult relationship to begin with.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Uh, I don't know. He's older. People's attractions change with negative reinforcement. Though that's hard to do.
Louie Provenza: Tell me about it. I myself... um-hm, I myself find I'm seeing - and, uh, I'm definitely having second thoughts about it all - seeing someone who is so very much different from anyone I've ever dated in my adult life.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Oh, how different?
Louie Provenza: Huge.
Dr. Joe Bowman: In, uh, what way?
Louie Provenza: Well, um, she's... she's very close to my own age. I mean, I don't go out with women over 40.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well... why don't you just drop her?
Louie Provenza: What?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Stop seeing her, if she's not what you want.
[walks away]
Louie Provenza: [following Dr. Bowman] Who said she's not what I want?
Dr. Joe Bowman: Oh, I thought you did.
Louie Provenza: I most certainly did not. And here's something else I'll tell you. In a relationship, Doctor, it's not always about what you want. Sometimes it's about what the other person wants.
Dr. Joe Bowman: Well, if you say so, Lieutenant. Excuse me, would you see this report gets filed with your captain? Thank you.
[walks away]
Louie Provenza: Psychologists.
[Dr. Bowman smiles]

Sharon Raydor: A very smart person could have watched how the window repairman entered Mr. George's house while he was away.
Julio Sanchez: Taking this key from above the front door and that's what our witness says he saw happen.
Sharon Raydor: He also says that he can identify the person who did it.
D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs: [in the monitor room] I wish we actually had an eyewitness.
Louie Provenza: We do, if they think we do.

"The Closer: Fool's Gold (#7.17)" (2012)
Liz: Were you able to find the right amount of money for the ring?
Detective Lt. Provenza: I'm buying it from you, since I'm the only one that it meant anything to.
Liz: Oh, stop! It means something to me. It reminds me of that very special day when we officially went from two people who loved each other to husband and wife. And when I look at it, I... I also see our children and our grandkids. And the life we mighta had.
Detective Lt. Provenza: But you'll still take the check.
Liz: Yes.

Liz: Oh, and if you ever wanna just vent, we all get together every couple of months.
Lieutenant Andy Flynn: Who's we?
Liz: Louie's other wives. We think of you as the fifth.

"The Closer: Time Bomb (#4.10)" (2008)
Julio Sanchez: Yeah, the neighbor who called in the "shots fired" knew him as Darren. Last name on the mailbox is Melman.
Louie Provenza: Well, my vast experience as a detective tells me that his name is... Darren Melman.

David Gabriel: I, uh, pulled the file on the, uh, vandalism bust, and apparently Mr. Melman broke into his high school, where he, uh... defecated on the principal's desk.
Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson: Ew!
Louie Provenza: Which means he's been dropping bombs his whole life.

"The Closer: Head Over Heels (#2.7)" (2006)
Detective Lt. Provenza: Do you know why I hate porn? Guy delivers a pizza, it never gets eaten. Girl's refrigerator breaks, it never gets fixed.

[to the EMTs, who bring out a whole gurney just to transport a head and a pair of feet]
Detective Lt. Provenza: Hey! You guys know something we don't?

"Major Crimes: Under the Influence (#2.3)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Hey, hey. Don't bring that.
Lt. Andy Flynn: This new cleanse can't get too hot.
Lt. Louie Provenza: It's in an insulated thermos. You can't undo fifty years of treating your body like a science experiment with a cleanse. Do us all a favor. Eat a hot dog.
Lt. Andy Flynn: Yeah, well, I'm not a quitter.

Lt. Louie Provenza: Mrs. Vega, I don't think you understand what we're saying here.
Lt. Andy Flynn: If your boy goes back to Mexico...
Rosa Vega: Yes, it's a little sad, but Manuel has made mistakes that he's gonna have to pay for. Look, the answer to your problems is staring you in the face, and we all know it. Hand my son over to the Federales and let justice be done.

"Major Crimes: Hindsight, Part 5 (#4.23)" (2016)
Buzz Watson: Instead of demanding your own way, why not give Patrice the wedding she asked for, which was a very...?
Louie Provenza: Are you seriously suggesting that I walk across the street to City Hall and get married during my lunch hour?
Buzz Watson: Oh, good. You remember what she wanted.

Louie Provenza: Now, you listen to me, Dr. Phil. I asked for your help, not your advice.

"Major Crimes: Reloaded (#1.1)" (2012)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Greg Miller is going to jail for the people we killed and getting off scot-free for the murders he committed himself, but I guess that's all right because you saved the city a lot of money. I bet you're really happy about that, huh?
Captain Sharon Raydor: I put a murderer away for life in less than 48 hours, which is not the usual routine around here; so, yes, I feel excellent. Thank you for asking.

Amy Sykes: So, I hear you have an opening in Major Crimes.
Lt. Louie Provenza: Usually, Sykes, people hold off asking for a promotion until they've done something right.

"The Closer: Live Wire (#4.4)" (2008)
Louie Provenza: I'm telling' you, this is the dumbest snipe hunt the chief as ever sent us on. I'm out here pounding the pavement like some damn rookie.
Andy Flynn: What's the matter? Your Medicare shoes don't like to walk uphill?
Louie Provenza: One of 'em's about to walk up your ass!

Louie Provenza: Flynn, what in the hell are you doin'?
Andy Flynn: I'm using my head as an antenna. You wanna try?

"The Closer: The Round File (#3.5)" (2007)
[Sgt. Gabriel, suspended for beating a suspect, finally returns to the office]
Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: [on her way out with Lt. Provenza] Oh, Sgt. Gabriel... uh, if you could, please, babysit the suspect while I'm gone?
[Gabriel silently accepts]
Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: Thank you.
[Johnson leaves]
Detective Lt. Provenza: [in passing Sgt. Gabriel] There's no need to beat information out of this old man. He's been confessing all morning.
[Gabriel silently goes on about his duty]

Detective Lt. Provenza: [going through the suspect's room] Wait a minute. I do recognize him. Yeah, Baxter. Donald Baxter. He had the police beat on the newspaper when I was first starting out, Chief. How did he end up here?
Julio Sanchez: Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll come visit you.

"Major Crimes: Jane Doe #38 (#3.6)" (2014)
Andy Flynn: Hey, look. Everyone doesn't have to go. I only thought... Just hate the idea of wrapping her up in the burrito room and leaving her there.
Louie Provenza: We all hate it, Flynn. Even me.

"The Closer: Dumb Luck (#3.6)" (2007)
Rodney Cox: You're Michael Tao?
Buzz Watson: That's "Lieutenant" Michael Tao.
Louie Provenza: He's adopted.

"Major Crimes: Open Line (#4.3)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: How I miss the days of perverts peeking through windows.

"The Closer: The Life (#5.13)" (2009)
David Gabriel: The gangs keeps recruiting them younger and younger.
Louie Provenza: Yeah, and we keep getting older and older.

"The Closer: Smells Like Murder (#5.10)" (2009)
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Is all this bettin' necessary?
Andy Flynn: Uh, no, ma'am.
Louie Provenza: But it makes staring at blank screens for three hours a hell of a lot more interesting.

"The Closer: Grave Doubts (#3.2)" (2007)
Louie Provenza: You know what would really help me remember? If you would stare at me some more.

"The Closer: Identity Theft (#5.9)" (2009)
Louie Provenza: Jeez Louise. How many people are gonna confess to this murder, anyway?

"Major Crimes: The Ecstasy and the Agony (#1.4)" (2012)
Julio Sanchez: Anything wrong, señor?
Louie Provenza: Other than watching everything I care about being taken from me as I shuffle towards the grave, and having my breakfast interrupted by another murder? Not much.

"The Closer: Dial M for Provenza (#4.5)" (2008)
Lieutenant Provenza: [why Provenza refuses to retire] When my first wife and I divorced, I agreed to split my pension with her from the day I retire. I'll be damned if she gets a nickel

"The Closer: Forgive Us Our Trespasses (#7.5)" (2011)
Louie Provenza: Chief, ahem, what are we gonna say in those depositions?
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Just the truth, I guess.
Louie Provenza: Truth, yeah, but first, shouldn't we all agree as to what that is?

"The Closer: Blood Money (#5.2)" (2009)
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Lt. Provenza, I really need that car, and you seem to be awfully frisky this afternoon.
Louie Provenza: Well, yes, I am. And, Chief, this is perfect weather to organize a grid search for a town car - and I could really go for a nice long walk around LAX. It'd be good for me.
Will Pope: Okay, do we have a Breathalyzer up here?

"The Closer: Layover (#6.4)" (2010)
Ashley Rogers: Do you know how to be quiet?
Louie Provenza: I think so.
Ashley Rogers: Well, that's too bad, because I only know how to be loud.

"The Closer: Fantasy Date (#1.6)" (2005)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Are you turned on by movies where a hunky young sailor is stripped to the waist, tied up and flogged?
Sgt. David Gabriel: What is it with you white people and whips?

"The Closer: Serving the King: Part 2 (#2.15)" (2006)
Det. Lt. Provenza: I like it right there, your picture.
Brenda Leigh Johnson: Lt. Provenza, what're you doin' here, it's late! Why aren't you home?
Det. Lt. Provenza: Course ideally, you'd hang it up right now and put it where it belongs, or pragmatically you might just set it down on the floor. But see, your instinct is to split the difference so that even if it's not perfectly placed, you can still see it.

"Major Crimes: Jailbait (#2.13)" (2013)
Lt. Louie Provenza: Eighty-five degrees in December! Sykes, why am I not sitting in front of my air conditioner?

"The Closer: Til Death Do Us Part: Part I (#3.12)" (2007)
Louie Provenza: Family Law Attorneys Real Property Lien - FLARPL.
Andy Flynn: Sounds like something you'd get at a Dairy Queen - in India.

"Major Crimes: A Rose Is a Rose (#4.1)" (2015)
Mike Tao: What kind of deal do you offer a kid like this?
Louie Provenza: Hopefully one that fits on his tombstone.

"The Closer: Junk in the Trunk (#4.12)" (2009)
Louie Provenza: Way to go, Julio. If I was in better shape, I'd kick your ass.

"Major Crimes: Out of Bounds (#1.6)" (2012)
Sharon Raydor: But, Lieutenant, what did I miss? I thought... It seemed like we had the situation covered.
Louie Provenza: We're never... "covered." You have a partner, you have a gun, you have a camera, you have SIS and vests and dogs and patrol cars out the ass, and people still get hurt. Sharon... there is no defense against bad luck.

"Major Crimes: Dismissed with Prejudice (#1.8)" (2012)
Louie Provenza: It's always the husband. It's always the husband. It's always the husband.

"Major Crimes: Hindsight, Part 3 (#4.21)" (2016)
Louie Provenza: Well, we may not have all the answers, but I think we do have better questions.

"Major Crimes: Targets of Opportunity (#4.7)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: If you're seeking a shortcut to Hell, my son, you've come to the right place.

"The Closer: Lovers Leap (#3.11)" (2007)
Mike Tao: It seems like she accelerated right off the cliff.
David Gabriel: If she's from D.C., she might have been lost, didn't see the turn.
Andy Flynn: Or she did it on purpose.
Louie Provenza: A woman so concerned about the planet that she rents a hybrid to kill herself in?
Andy Flynn: I don't know. Maybe she saw a tree down there she wanted to hug.

"The Closer: Elysian Fields (#5.8)" (2009)
Louie Provenza: He wrote me up for using curse words - and that's bullshit.

"Major Crimes: Citizen's Arrest (#1.5)" (2012)
Louie Provenza: Now, this is the kind of "deal" I can live with.

"The Closer: Death Warrant (#7.8)" (2011)
Fritz Howard: Who is that woman?
Sharon Raydor: According to the visitors' log, her name is Maria Flores, and under "relationship" she put down "girlfriend."
Buzz Watson: "Girlfriend." She's, like, half his age.
Louie Provenza: Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

"The Closer: Culture Shock (#3.10)" (2007)
[a group of Chinese tourists are milling around, agitated]
Detective Lt. Provenza: Oh, Tao, thank God. Could you please tell these people to calm down and step back?
Lieutenant Mike Tao: [shouting] CALM DOWN AND STEP BACK!
Detective Lt. Provenza: You don't speak Chinese?
Lieutenant Mike Tao: No, I don't. I'm fourth-generation American.
Detective Lt. Provenza: Well, you always sound fluent when we order take-out.

"Major Crimes: Long Shot (#1.10)" (2012)
Louie Provenza: We didn't need the feds.
Sharon Raydor: I told you once we confirmed we had a witness we'd share it with the FBI.
Louie Provenza: I thought you were just covering your ass so we could keep our case.
Sharon Raydor: I was precisely following the law.
Louie Provenza: God, it's like working for a hall monitor every single day.

"Major Crimes: Turn Down (#4.4)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: Can you believe I was married five times and the thought of running away never occurred to me once?
Julio Sanchez: What about your wife, sir?

"Major Crimes: D.O.A. (#2.5)" (2013)
Lt. Andy Flynn: Listen, doc, do you know anything about blood pressure meds? I mean, you know, how safe they are, stuff like that?
Dr. Jason Field: Well, no medication is completely safe. For high blood pressure, I usually recommend diet, exercise and...
Lt. Louie Provenza: It's done all that crap.

"The Closer: In Custody (#6.3)" (2010)

"Major Crimes: Snitch (#4.5)" (2015)
Louie Provenza: Four bodies overqualifies you for death row.

"The Closer: Half Load (#5.5)" (2009)
Buzz Watson: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I-I applied for this federal grant to upgrade our surveillance equipment, and I think I got it but I need help translating this letter.
Mike Tao: What language is it in?
Buzz Watson: Government.
Louie Provenza: Ah, yeah. Here, Buzz. I read government.

"Major Crimes: Sweet Revenge (#3.9)" (2014)
Buzz Watson: What will happen to the boy?
Louie Provenza: He can't just walk away. He endangered lives.
Fritz Howard: He shouldn't spend the next ten years in prison just for trying to protect a parent.
Sharon Raydor: His impulse was right. It's the way he acted on it that requires the response.
Louie Provenza: Bad impulse control. That's what keeps us all in business. Welcome to the L.A.P.D., soon-to-be Deputy Chief Howard. Welcome to the L.A.P.D.

"The Closer: Living Proof: Part Two (#6.14)" (2010)
Louie Provenza: I hate to interrupt, but it is a holiday and, any minute now, we're gonna be bombarded with suicides, and I... I don't want to see this dinner go to waste.

"Major Crimes: Cheaters Never Prosper (#1.9)" (2012)
Sharon Raydor: Detective, anything else in the hotel room?
Amy Sykes: Just an overnight bag - though, you know, he had two keys and the room had a king-size bed.
Louie Provenza: Two keys are standard, even if it's only one person checking in.
Amy Sykes: But also... condoms.
Louie Provenza: He was a single guy. Boy Scouts aren't the only ones who like to be prepared.

"The Closer: Road Block (#7.14)" (2011)
Brenda Leigh Johnson: [turning on the "stolen" car's radio] Ah. Classic music station.
Louie Provenza: Playing Beethoven - as everyone knows, the favorite composer for nine out of ten car thieves.

"The Closer: Drug Fiend (#7.18)" (2012)
Detective Lt. Provenza: [referring to the unrepentant killer] See, Gabriel, that's the kind of people that lawyers hang out with. You better take a long, hard look at your life choices, my friend.
Sgt. David Gabriel: Come on.
Captain Sharon Raydor: Attorneys protect us from people like this, Lieutenant.
Detective Lt. Provenza: Protect us? How?
Captain Sharon Raydor: Imagine what we would do with a man like this if we didn't know he had an attorney coming.

"The Closer: Sudden Death (#4.7)" (2008)
Brenda Leigh Johnson: We're already nowhere, Sergeant. It's hard to imagine how things could get much worse.
Louie Provenza: [seeing reporter Ricardo Ramos enter] I don't think you should've said that out loud, Chief.

"The Closer: The Big Bang (#6.1)" (2010)
Will Pope: Lt. Provenza, your desk from Parker Center is city property. It was supposed to be sold at audition.
Louie Provenza: It was. I bought it. This desk is the longest relationship of my adult life and I am NOT giving it up.

"The Closer: Strike Three (#5.7)" (2009)
Brenda Leigh Johnson: It's just the six of us again, Lieutenant.
Louie Provenza: For now.

"The Closer: Tijuana Brass (#4.9)" (2008)
David Gabriel: So, now is not the best time to pick a battle with the Catholic church.
Louie Provenza: Let's fight one Pope at a time.

"The Closer: To Protect & to Serve (#2.5)" (2006)
Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson: Just... go home.
Det. Lt. Provenza: Is that how they say "You're fired" in the South?"