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: Don't you think you should change your clothes first? Mork
: Oh you're right, it's tough to be macho in a plastic green dress.
: Come on, Bickley, open the door! Mork
: Yoo hoo! Sticky fingers!
: Mork, it can be against the law to go in somebody's apartment when they're not home, even if the door's not locked. Mork
: Oh can you honestly say that since Watergate? Come on.
: What's a kleptomaniac? Mindy McConnell
: Well a kleptomaniac is somebody who steals compulsively. Mork
: Oh, like politicians.
: Found him going back and forth on the highway. Mindy McConnell
: Mork, why were you crossing the road? Mork
: I think I was evolving a joke. Kept having an urge to get to the other side.
Franklin Delano Bickley
: [to his dog
] You know Bicky, you're like my own son. If you could talk, I wonder what you'd say. Mork
: You're a thief, pop! Franklin Delano Bickley
: Well that hurts, Bicky, but... wait a minute, dogs can't talk, there must be some other animal in here. Come on out! Mindy McConnell
: [coming out from behind his couch
] Hi, Mister Bickley. Mork
: [hands up
] No shoot, GI, no shoot.
Franklin Delano Bickley
: [seeing a bunch of people bent over playing Twister
] Please! Don't get up. They didn't all come in that way, did they? That's obscene, that looks like a Christmas card from Hugh Hefner. Mindy McConnell
: It's a game, they're not supposed to fall over. Franklin Delano Bickley
: Oh really?
[kicks one player and knocks them all down
: Are you alright? Mork
: Sure, I just love to play 'Squash the alien'. Mindy McConnell
: Oh, could you breathe down there? Mork
: Only out. Mindy McConnell
: Oh, well I'm sorry all those people fell on you, Mork. Mork
: Oh that's a great game, let's play another game like 'musical spikes' or 'hide and go kill'? Mindy McConnell
: Why don't you just come out and say you don't want to play the silly game? Mork
: I didn't want to be rude.
: I can't believe you called all my friends! Mork
: I can't believe what they called you!
: Mork, that girl is not a criminal, she's a cheerleader! Mork
: Oh so that's why when she told me to drop dead she spelled it out, 'Give me a D, give me an R, give me an O'.
: I didn't know you were married. Franklin Delano Bickley
: I lost her in 1966.
] Mindy McConnell
: Oh, I'm sorry... Franklin Delano Bickley
: Every night, I pray... the old bat doesn't find me. She didn't like me either.
: Mork, are you here? Mork
: [busts through the wallpaper
] Here I am! Mindy McConnell
: Mork, why did you wallpaper the door? Mork
: Well I didn't want to stop, I was on a roll!
: Aw gee, why am I feeling like this? I mean it's just a house. Jean DaVinci
: It was your home, Mindy, there is a big difference between a house and a home. Mindy McConnell
: Yeah, a house is bricks and wood siding and a home is memories. Jean DaVinci
: Yeah, where you lick cookies off the mixer blade. Mindy McConnell
: Aw, you did that too? Jean DaVinci
: Yeah, I always had to keep my eye on Remo so he wouldn't turn the mixer on.
: [Mork screams and runs under the table
] I think something's troubling him. Mindy McConnell
: Mork, will you come out?
[Mork screams high pitched
] Mindy McConnell
: Mork, what's the matter? Mork
: Oh nothing much, just that your house tried to attack me! That's all! Mindy McConnell
: Oh come on, Mork, really! Mork
: WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'COME ON REALLY'?
[comes out from under the table
: Mindy I'm telling you the truth! I was at the house and I was hanging wallpaper, and a wind BLEW in the air across the room! Then it got real cold! Then real hot! And then a swarm of bees came in! Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya! Then a swarm of flies! Zip-zip-zip-zip-zip-zip-zip! And then I ran flamboyantly to the window screaming 'Ah-a-a-a-a-a-ah!' and it slammed shut! Then this is the terrifying part, I was standing there and the furniture started attacking me! Yes! A little ottoman, and an ottowoman too! They're coming at me! And the armchair couldn't keep its hands to itself! And a strange voice kept crying out 'GET out of HEEERE!' By the time it said 'here', I was HERE! Mindy McConnell
: Have you been hitting the cream soda again? Mork
: Mindy, you gotta believe me! You gotta believe me! Mindy McConnell
: Believe you? What am I supposed to believe? That my house is haunted? Mork
: Well it's either that or I've lost my mind.
: Maybe you better call the police and ask them to look for a little gray squishy thing! Jean DaVinci
: He could be right! You know there are case histories of haunted houses?
: [takes sheet off antique rocker
] See this chair?
[Mork raises bat
] Mindy McConnell
: My mother did the needlepoint on this entire chair. Mork
: That's beautiful, did she crochet this stain too? Mindy McConnell
: And see these marks on the door? That was how tall I was each birthday from 2 to 13. Mork
: We have the same thing on Ork except they tattoo it on the back of our head.
: Do you see any flies? You see any bees? Mork
: No but they were here last night. Mindy McConnell
: Well bugs get in sometimes. Mork
: Oh yeah, big suckers like that! How does that explain the furniture moving? The bees underneath going
[mimes holding up furntiure, buzzing
: 'ee-ee-eeeee'? Mindy McConnell
: Sometimes a truck goes by and it moves things. Mork
: You sure? Mindy McConnell
: I'm positive.
[later, hears a voice saying 'Get out of here!
] Mindy McConnell
: Did you hear that? Mork
: Hope it was a truck!
: [a voice is calling for them to get out of the house
] Mindy, I always believe you must follow the advice of the spirit world, LET'S TAKE A HIKE! Mindy McConnell
: It sounds like it's coming from that closet! Mork
: That's wonderful, let's talk about it over tea in Wyoming. Mindy McConnell
: I'm not leaving! This is my house! Mork
: [hands her a baseball bat
] Well, good luck, aim high!
: Mindy, I don't want to upset you, but after Mork told us what went on in your house, I did a little research, and I found this old book in the library. Mindy McConnell
: Colorado Legends? Mork
: Oh, intriguing! Remo DaVinci
: That's just bunk! Jean DaVinci
: [opens book
] Recognize this? Mindy McConnell
: Yeah, it kind of looks like my house. Jean DaVinci
: It is, in 1921. Only then it was known as Lafalette House. Mindy McConnell
: Lafalette is my mother's maiden name. Jean DaVinci
: Well, this book says two sisters built this home in 1894, Lucinda and Dedra Lafalette. Mindy McConnell
: Lucinda and Dedra? They must've been my great, great aunts or something. Jean DaVinci
: Well according to this, Lucinda was the older sister and she wasn't so attractive, but she was madly in love with this handsome young silver miner named Harrison Monteith; but he was in love with the young and beautiful Dedra. Then one night they found Harrison's body. He'd been mysteriously poisoned, but no one could prove who did it. After that, the sisters boarded themselves up in the house, and they were never seen again until the day they died. Mindy McConnell
: Oh that's great, that happened in my house? That's terrific. Jean DaVinci
: Well, it could be that Lucinda and Dedra don't want their house sold.
: Exidor! Thank God somebody normal's here!
: Mork, you've been acting awfully strange lately. I mean, more strange than usual. Mork
: Oh, you've noticed. Mindy McConnell
: Noticed! How could I help it? Like, yesterday you spent all day walking and talking backwards. Mork
: Well, that's all behind me now!
: Mork, why are you doing all these strange things? Mork
: To cheer you up. Mindy McConnell
: But I'm not sad. Mork
: Well, you will be after you hear the news that I have to tell you. Mindy McConnell
: What news? Mork
: That I've got orders from Orson. I've been transferred to another planet and I'll never ever see you again. Mindy McConnell
: [sitting down in shock
] What? Mork
] Well. You've got to look at the good side. You're not losing an alien, you'll... you're gaining an empty room!
: You don't have to be sad on account of me. Mindy McConnell
: How can I help it? You're being sent off to some remote corner of the universe. I don't even know where. Mork
: It's not that far away. It's just the other side of the universe, and it's a Sigma 7 Galaxy. It's a troubled planet called Cirrhus.
: Why would you want to leave here? Are you unhappy? Is it something I've done? Mork
: Oh, no. It's something you have. Emotions. Mindy McConnell
: That doesn't make sense. Mork
: Oh, yes, it does. See, one day I'm going to have to leave the Earth, and it's going to hurt you very much. And I've only been here a few months, and look how you feel. Imagine what it would be like after ten years. The longer I stay, the harder it'll be for you. Mindy McConnell
: Well, what about you? Mork
: [he gives a fake little laugh and deepens his voice
] Me? The cosmic Charles Bronson?
: Mr. Bickley, you're just going through a writer's slump. Mork is leaving for good! Franklin Delano Bickley
: Look, sister, Little Muffet ain't coming back, either. Mork
: Oh. None of us has a reason to be happy now. Franklin Delano Bickley
: [helping himself to their drinks
] I'll drink to that.
[Susan bursts through the door, all smiles
: Knock, knock, knock!
[Her smile fades. Mork is slumped over, rubbing his ear. Mindy is slumped over, shading her eyes because of tears. Bickley is leaning on the counter, burying himself in a drink
: Well, what a group. Hear No Evil, See No Evil, and Feel No Pain. What's wrong with you people? Franklin Delano Bickley
: I've lost my talent. Mindy McConnell
: Mork is leaving. Mork
: The rabbit died.
: Look, it's snowing outside! Mork
: Shazbot! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Mayday, Mayday! Take evasive action, you get under there with the baby, you don't have a baby, too bad! They scoffed at Chicken Little but they're not laughing now. That little sucker's gonna make a lot of money off this.
[picks up phone book
: I've got to call him, I've got to call him... just my luck, he's unlisted. Mindy McConnell
: Calm down, snow is perfectly harmless. Mork
: It is? Mindy McConnell
: Yes. Mork
: Boy do I feel like a flake.
: Oh therefore if I think the sky is falling, ipso facto, I'm gullible. Mindy McConnell
: Yeah, I'm afraid so. Like yesterday when you heard that TV commercial say 'run out and catch a bus' and you started building a trap? Mork
: Oh, I would've caught one too, I was going to use a segregated school as bait!
: You should go out and observe the snow, it'll be a whole new experience. Mork
: Are you sure those sky flakes won't bash my brains out? Mindy McConnell
: I promise you it's perfectly safe.
: I'm worried I just don't know what it would be like to have a child. Mork
: And I'm sad, because I don't know what it'd be like to have a mother. Mindy McConnell
: Well at least I've got a way of finding out. Mork
: I've got a way we can both find out. I'll set my age machine for 3 years old, for 10 minutes, that way I'll be a baby, and you'll be my
[age machine kicks in, high pitched voice
: MAMA! Mommy hold me!
: You must've fallen asleep while you were watching TV. Mork
: If I was asleep, then the TV was watching me.
: All night long, Dan just kept talking about babies, then I realized he never talked about us. He wasn't into having a wife so much as he wanted a family; and I want to be a couple before I'm a group. Mork
: I'm sorry you lost your husband. Did my becoming a child affect your decision? Mindy McConnell
: Well I have to admit it opened my eyes, it's hard to be a mother. Mork
: Yeah, it's pretty tough being a kid too, but you made it easy. Know something? Mindy McConnell
: What? Mork
: You're gonna make a terrific mother.
: Excuse me, Mister Williams, but I have a big big big favor to ask of you. I know you don't know me and I don't want to impose, but I was supposed to get an interview with you for KTNS, and if I don't, I'll be fired. Mork
: Yeah, and it's been a bad year for her, she bet on Carter, Roberto Duran, and she had to buy stock in Chrysler too.
: [to Robin
] You sure are a hard man to get in touch with. Mork
: Yeah, you have tighter security than the Pope. A bullet couldn't get past your manager's security's security's security's answering machine.
: When boys start reading magazines like these, it's time for their father to sit down with them and have a talk about the difference between boys and girls. Mork
: Oh Mind, we've already worked that out. I mean, I've told him that boys like to play sports and girls like to wear makeup, and if you're Alice Cooper, you can do both!
: Mork, are you okay? Mork
: Mind? Can you help me get up? Mindy McConnell
: Oh, Mork, you shouldn't balance on your nose.
: Mearth, Daddy's upset because he made a little mistake. Mork
: Well, saying it's a little mistake, Mind, is like saying Lizzie Borden was a little nuisance with an axe.
: Do you realize where we're are? We're at the dawn of man. Mork
: Old man. Finally, we'll be able to buy land in California, cheap.