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: Thank you, Mindala. And now... a man who is said to have the warmth of a snow pea... Mr. Bickley. Mr. Bickley, if you would, mumble, mumble, mumble... Franklin Delano Bickley
: With heavy heart, and mournful eyes, and tears that softly flow, we say our final sad goodbyes... to a fuzzy Escargot... Hogslop!
: Mork! Mork
: Exidor! Exidor
: In this life, yes!
: Mork, I have come here to preach the only true religion! Mork
: What's the only true religion this time? Exidor
: Reincarnation! We have all lived before and we shall all be born again! Mork
: Wow, the ultimate deja vu!
: In a previous life, I was a very famous person. Guess who! Mork
: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist party? Exidor
: Just to meet girls! Mork
: Are you currently in a Broadway show? Exidor
: No. Mork
: Are you bigger than a breadbox? Exidor
: Yes! Mork
: I've got it! You're the editor of The National Enquirer! Exidor
: He's not dead! Mork
: I can wait.
: You'll enjoy meeting my new friend, Bob. Exidor
: You made friends with a fuzzy Tootsie Roll? Mork
: No, Exidor, look! Look closer, it's a caterpillar! Exidor
: Why, this is no ordinary caterpillar, Mork. This is the reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln! Mork
: No! How can you tell? Exidor
: Is that the face of someone who would tolerate slavery? Mork
: That's not her face. Exidor
: Really? I thought she was smiling at me!
: You know, Mork, between your friends and your pets, I sometimes wonder if you're an advanced alien being or just an intergalactic bozo. Mork
: The answer is... Both!
Franklin Delano Bickley
: You have a bug for a pet? Mork
: Oh, yes. I pulled a thorn out of its paw and the other thirteen legs followed me home.
[Mork's "dead" caterpillar has transformed into a butterfly
] Mindy McConnell
: Now I guess you probably believe what Exidor said about reincarnation, right? Mork
: No, I still think Exidor had his head up his foot. But maybe he's right though. Maybe when you die, something beautiful happens.
: You should have heard the eulogy I did for my caterpillar. Mindy says that when he dies, he'll go to Heaven, and be with all the other bugs and he'll be very happy and everything will be beautiful. Orson
: Tell me, if Heaven is so beautiful, so perfect, so great, how come humans don't want to die? Mork
: Who wants to be with all those bugs?
: What do you think happens when something dies, Mork? Mork
: I don't know, Sir. All I know is that when my caterpillar became a butterfly and sprouted wings and flew away, it looked kind of like a little angel.
: Mork! I came over as soon as you called! What's wrong? Mork
: Abraham Lincoln's dead again!
: It costs money to die? Mr. Herman
: Only if you want to die decently. Mork
: Bob died great! And nothing you can do will make her feel any better! Mr. Herman
: But the point is to make YOU feel better! Mork
: Well, the only way I'll feel better is if Bob stays with me forever and ever! And that's exactly what I'm gonna do! Keep her with me in my room!
: What would you like for an epitaph? Mork
: Well, I could start out with some shrimp cocktail, have some expresso. Mr. Herman
: No, I mean what would you like written on the headstone? Mork
: Oh. "Here lies Bob. She's Dead."
: Nobody has a BUG for a pet! Mork
: Are you kidding? Bob's clean, she's leaf-broken! And she's a skilled mime too! Bob, do your caterpillar walk against the wind!
: Fly, Bob! Be free!
[Mork has brought home a pet
: It's real cute. It's fuzzy. It's about this tall.
[Mork clamps his fingers down to an inch
] Mindy McConnell
: A dog that's been run over by a truck? Mork
: Oh Mindy, that's so sick! Squashed dogs can't follow you home!
: Look! It's a kittypillar! Mindy McConnell
: Oh, that's a caterpillar. Mork
: Not for a few more weeks yet, it hasn't got hair on its chest.
: Hey, maybe you could get something from Mr. Bickley. Mindy McConnell
: No, I've already had my shots.
: Bob has been reincarnated as a cow. Mork
: That's wonderful!... That's terrible, she'll be eaten! Exidor
: No, she's safe! She's in India, she's sacred!
: What is this, a fraternity prank? Mork
: No, I'm just weird.
: Don't you think you should change your clothes first? Mork
: Oh you're right, it's tough to be macho in a plastic green dress.
: Come on, Bickley, open the door! Mork
: Yoo hoo! Sticky fingers!
: Mork, it can be against the law to go in somebody's apartment when they're not home, even if the door's not locked. Mork
: Oh can you honestly say that since Watergate? Come on.
Franklin Delano Bickley
: [finding Mork's age machine
] What's this, some electronic noise maker? Mork
: No, it's a sign language radio for deaf people.
[sign language while singing
: I'll love you more than you'll ever know. Franklin Delano Bickley
: [about the noise
] Keep it down! Mork
: [lowers his hand and continues
] I'll love you more than you'll ever know.
: What's a kleptomaniac? Mindy McConnell
: Well a kleptomaniac is somebody who steals compulsively. Mork
: Oh, like politicians.
: He stole your necklace, he stole your ribs, he's obviously not kosher.
: Found him going back and forth on the highway. Mindy McConnell
: Mork, why were you crossing the road? Mork
: I think I was evolving a joke. Kept having an urge to get to the other side.
Franklin Delano Bickley
: [to his dog
] You know Bicky, you're like my own son. If you could talk, I wonder what you'd say. Mork
: You're a thief, pop! Franklin Delano Bickley
: Well that hurts, Bicky, but... wait a minute, dogs can't talk, there must be some other animal in here. Come on out! Mindy McConnell
: [coming out from behind his couch
] Hi, Mister Bickley. Mork
: [hands up
] No shoot, GI, no shoot.
: The report, Mork. Mork
: This week I discovered a terrible disease called loneliness. Orson
: Do many people on Earth suffer from this disease? Mork
: Oh yes sir, and how they suffer. One man I know suffers so much he has to take a medication called bourbon, even that doesn't help very much because then he can hear paint dry. Orson
: Does bed rest help? Mork
: No because I've heard that sleeping alone is part of the problem. You see, Orson, loneliness is a disease of the spirit. People who have it think that no one cares about them. Orson
: Do you have any idea why? Mork
: Yes sir you can count on me. You see, when children are young, they're told not to talk to strangers. When they go to school, they're told not to talk to the person next to them. Finally when they're very old, they're told not to talk to themselves, who's left? Orson
: Are you saying Earthlings make each other lonely? Mork
: No sir I'm saying just the opposite. They make themeslves lonely, they're so busy looking out for number one that there's not enough room for two. Orson
: It's too bad everybody down there can't get together and find a cure. Mork
: Here's the paradox sir because if they did get together, they wouldn't need one. Isn't that zenlack?
: Are you alright? Mork
: Sure, I just love to play 'Squash the alien'. Mindy McConnell
: Oh, could you breathe down there? Mork
: Only out. Mindy McConnell
: Oh, well I'm sorry all those people fell on you, Mork. Mork
: Oh that's a great game, let's play another game like 'musical spikes' or 'hide and go kill'? Mindy McConnell
: Why don't you just come out and say you don't want to play the silly game? Mork
: I didn't want to be rude.
: We'll try to be more quiet. We'll only play 'spin the sock', we'll replace our stereo needle with a Q-tip, and we'll all play charades wearing gloves. Franklin Delano Bickley
: Shut up! Mork
: Thank you!
: I can't believe you called all my friends! Mork
: I can't believe what they called you!
: Mork, that girl is not a criminal, she's a cheerleader! Mork
: Oh so that's why when she told me to drop dead she spelled it out, 'Give me a D, give me an R, give me an O'.
: [on the phone
] Any friend of Mindy's is a friend of mine, listen, did you steal Mindy's necklace? What? Well I don't know what that has to do with anything but yes I can blow it out my ear!
: [after smashing a cantaloupe
] Oh, happy melon-choly!
: When do we eat? Mork
: Stephanie, you just had lunch and very few people can eat a whole turkey and live.
[regarding Stephanie's eating habits
: Stephanie, if you keep this up, one day you're gonna go on an elevator and it's gonna say, "Capacity: YOU!"
: Kids, time for our field trip! Today we're gonna go down to that chemical plant by the river and watch the dead fish race!
: Now, Exidor is our friend. Mindy McConnell
: Exidor is *your* friend, Mork. Ya know, quite a few people think he's a little strange. Exidor
: I've heard those ugly rumors and they're grossly exaggerated! Do you have any chinchilla dip?
: Mind, you can come out now, Exidor's gone. Mindy McConnell
: Exidor was *gone* when he got here!
: Some questions you can't answer, Billy, like how does Venus de Milo hitchhike?
: Is it alright if I throw my bike in your jeep? Mindy McConnell
: Sure. Mork
: It's better than the other way around.
: Are there many heroes on Earth? Mork
: Oh, yes sir, there are. But it seems like only the ones with pizazz seem to get the spotlight. How many times, sir, have you seen Albert Schweitzer's picture on a bubblegum card? Think about that one, Sir. Oh I mean, it's because he can't throw a good curve-ball, but isn't that being a little picky?
: You always hear about the man who jumps over 13 buses, but you never hear about the John Doe who put him back together again. Orson
: Who's John Doe? Mork
: Exactly, Sir.
: Who's your hero, Lola? Lola
: Truman Capote, for his accurate yet lyrical portrayal of the human condition. Mork
: Whew! Lola, one day you're gonna have a talk show all of your own.
: My dad won't let me be who I really wanna be. Mork
: Who's that? Billy
: The guy with my name, Billy the Kid. He was a tough hombre! His dad never told him what to do. Mork
: Billy the Kid, isn't that the president's brother, the one that helped Reagan get elected?
: Billy the Kid was a murderer, he killed 21 people. Mork
: Oh Mind, you don't know that for sure. I mean, you know how people gossip at funerals.
: Why do Morks rush in where wise men fear to tread?
[a car horn honks
: Boy, that goose must weigh a ton!
: Are there many heroes on Earth? Mork
: Oh, yes Sir, there are. But it seems like only the ones with pizazz seem to get the spotlight. How many times, sir, have you seen Albert Schweitzer's picture on a bubblegum card? Think about that one, Sir. Oh, I mean, it's because he can't throw a good curve-ball, but isn't that being a little picky?
: I'd like to take her to the dog star, Sirius. It's incredible to see a whole galaxy fetch!
: If I should go belly up tomorrow, you can put "She saw it all" on my tombstone. Frederick McConnell
: What are you talking about? Cora Hudson
: Well, I've met a man from outer-space, but that's nothing compared to that student out in back! This bozo looks so WEIRD! He makes Mork look like a Republican! Mork
: Whoa, my kinda guy! Do you think I should observe him? Cora Hudson
: Somebody should keep him under observation!
[Exidor and his imaginary friends enter
: Step aside! Don't push! We can't all get through the door at the same time!
: Mork, do you have any idea how old I am? Wrong! Next Wednesday afternoon, I'll be twelve years old. Mork
: Whoa, you're awfully mature for your age. Exidor
: Guilt without sex! That's the key!
: I'm too old to stand on street corners preaching! I've got to settle down! Get a straight, conventional job. Mork
: What do you think you'd like to be? Exidor
: Emperor of the Earth!
: You have a summer home? Exidor
: I bought it four years ago, when I was a doctor.
: You don't have any talent. Exidor
: Well, that's never stopped any rock group before. Besides, you've never seen me perform! Mork, you wait right here, I'll get my axe!
: Well, I can't believe we finally made it! I thought you were supposed to be such a trailblazer! Mork
: Well, I made it from Ork to Earth but there were no trees.
: I wonder when we lost the trail. Mindy McConnell
: I suspect it was right before we fell off the cliff. Mork
: Well, I owe you an apology - next time you can land on me!
: I hope that beaver isn't hurt. Mindy McConnell
: What was a beaver doing out strolling in the middle of the night, anyway? Why wasn't he in his darn dam, guarding his sticks and his twigs? Do you know how yucky it is to step on a beaver's tail? Mork
: I didn't know those little suckers could scream!
[Mork picks up a book
: What's this? Confessions of a Schizophrenic by Exidor as told to Exidor.
: Please don't make me leave! I'll do anything! I'll shovel the dishes, I'll wash the snow! But don't make me go back upstairs to him! Ple-hease! Mindy McConnell
: Him? Him, who? Mork
: Vincent Price! He's upstairs in the TV in the attic! Mindy McConnell
: Mork, why don't you turn him off? Mork
: I did, and then it became real dark!
: Don't tell me you're afraid of a TV show. Mork
: Hey! Whaddya think, I just got off the egg yesterday? Vincent Price doesn't scare me. It was the ghosts! And the swamp! And that dude with his head cut off, carrying it in his hands!
: If there's anything else you'd like to chat about, I'm here any time you need me. Mindy McConnell
: Why don't we chat about you going upstairs while I finish my report? Mork
: Alright, if the subject's upsetting to you, we can always change it. How 'bout those basketball players? Those suckers sure are big, aren't they?
: "Exidor the Emperor." Has a nice ring to it. You won't be taking anybody else's job. I know what I can do, I'll help you get elected! I'll be your campaign manager! I know what we'll do, first we'll get a tub to thump, some babies to kiss! Then we'll get another set of lips so you can talk out of both sides of your mouth! Exidor
: Mork! Mork
: Yes, yes! You know, it'll work! Then we'll get you some hands to shake, some backs to slap, we'll get you some money to pass money under a table, a launder to clean it, a Korean park! Exidor
: Mork! Mork
: I know, we'll build a public image for you! First of all, you'll have a debate, you'll lose it, you'll make a comeback! Then you'll rent a motel, you'll get Cuban burglars to break into it! Then you'll have some tapes - 18 minutes will be missing from the tapes! Exidor
: Mork! Wise up! You can't get ELECTED emperor!
: [after walking in the snow without a coat, entering the apartment stiffly
] Shazbot, I'm frigid!
: [holding snow in his hand
] Wow, it's cold, and beautiful... and not house broken!
: Look, it's snowing outside! Mork
: Shazbot! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Mayday, Mayday! Take evasive action, you get under there with the baby, you don't have a baby, too bad! They scoffed at Chicken Little but they're not laughing now. That little sucker's gonna make a lot of money off this.
[picks up phone book
: I've got to call him, I've got to call him... just my luck, he's unlisted. Mindy McConnell
: Calm down, snow is perfectly harmless. Mork
: It is? Mindy McConnell
: Yes. Mork
: Boy do I feel like a flake.
: Oh therefore if I think the sky is falling, ipso facto, I'm gullible. Mindy McConnell
: Yeah, I'm afraid so. Like yesterday when you heard that TV commercial say 'run out and catch a bus' and you started building a trap? Mork
: Oh, I would've caught one too, I was going to use a segregated school as bait!
: You should go out and observe the snow, it'll be a whole new experience. Mork
: Are you sure those sky flakes won't bash my brains out? Mindy McConnell
: I promise you it's perfectly safe.
: Exidor, why are you in jail? Exidor
: Religious persecution!
: Mork, the man lied to you, just as those crummy Venusians lied to me! Mork
: I know, you can't trust a man with four lips. All you get is double-talk. Exidor
: They promised me they were coming down and destroy the Earth on Labor Day! They let me down!
: I realized that my faith had been misplaced and I began my quest for truth. I tried Buddhism, Catholicism, Judaism, Punch-and-Judy-ism, but nothing worked for me! Until I found him! Mork
: Who? Exidor
: Mork, I worship O.J. Simpson!
: Mork, I want you to renounce your sins against football! Mork
: Exidor, I've watched the World Series. Exidor
: Oh, blasphemy! The World Series! Baseball is pagan! Do ten Hike Marys! Mork
: And I look up to Kareem-Abdul Jabbar! Exidor
: Oh, do a hundred push-ups! Mork
: And I hate to say this... I like Howard Cosell. Exidor
: Let us pray!
: I hate to disappoint you, Exidor, but I don't have much faith in football, and O.J.'s just a man and football's just a game. Exidor
: Blasphemy! Mork, you've just fouled out on the game of life! May you burn in Buffalo!
: How was your night in jail? Mork
: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Mindy McConnell
: Oh, what trouble? Mork
: Nobody knows!
: There's an old Orkan phrase about that: If one cannot trust oneself, then one cannot trust another. Mindy McConnell
: Oh, that's nice. Mork
: I'm not finished. And if one cannot trust another, then others cannot trust another, and then others cannot trust others, and finally, who can one trust? Frederick McConnell
: Does everybody on Ork talk like that? Mork
: Well, we don't have sex, we've gotta do something.
: There's a plague! It's an epidemic, it's called Christmas! Mindy McConnell
: Ohhhh, the Christmas plague. Mork
: Ah, you know about it? It affects the brain! The mindless hoards are all out in the street milling around. Last night, while you were at school, there was a roving gang terrorizing the neighborhood, they were just singing for trouble! Mindy McConnell
: Singing for trouble? Mork
: Yes! They wanted to beat up Monty Hall and his family! They were going from house to house singing, "Deck the Halls! Deck the Halls!"
: Quick, we've gotta get you out of here! The whole town's under Marshall law! There's a little fat dude in a red suit on every corner! And he's called Santa CLAWS! And he's stopping everybody! And people are really sick cuz they're putting plastic babies on everybody's lawn covered in straw! I don't know, but we've gotta get out of here before we're all infected! Mindy McConnell
: Mork, relax. Now, this might be hard for you to understand, but it's all a part of our Christmas holiday. Mindy McConnell
: Oh, that explains it.
: Mindy, you don't have to worry about it snowing tonight because here's your fair-weather friend, Susan.
: Ciao! Mork
[Eugene brings in a bundled Christmas tree
: A tree in bondage? Eugene, you're weird. Why are you dragging this dead thing around?
[Susan gives Mork a ceramic angel for the Christmas tree
: Well, any friend of yours is a friend of ours, and your winged guest is welcome here. Fly, little friend, be free!
[Mork tosses the angel in the air, it hits the floor and shatters
: Oooh, heavy remorse! I've killed your flighty friend!
: At home, we used to make presents for people. Eugene
: Sure, you can do that! Mork
: I thought that's against the law! You know, because on TV they say you've gotta buy everything, it's part of the commercialization of Christmas!
: Susan, we're gonna see that you have a really nice Christmas this year. Mork
: Yes, we have presents, even for you.
[Susan opens her Christmas gift
] Susan Taylor
: A saucer? Mork
: Surprised? Susan Taylor
: Oh, yes! Why a saucer? Mork
: Well, Mindy said you'd only appreciate something shallow.
[Mindy opens her Christmas gift
] Mindy McConnell
: It's a bracelet! Mork
: No, it's a lawnmower! Of course it's a bracelet! It's hand-made by Mork. Mindy McConnell
: Well, it's really interesting. What kind of beads are these? Mork
: Oh, they're not beads. I know you'll love it cuz there's a whole collection of 'em up in the attic. They're flies!
[Mindy instantly drops the bracelet; Mork picks it up
: They can't fly now, silly, they're dead! And look, I hand-painted each and every one of their eyes. Which was really a drag, took a long time. And I made little clothing for 'em right there, little pants. Oh, look! Look! His human's open! And if you look real close and you hold 'em up to the light, you can see I put sequins on the wings so they could look like Liza Minelli in Cabaret!
: Okay, so your presents weren't very practical, but it doesn't matter. Mindy McConnell
: Oh Mork, dad's right. It's not the gift, it's the thought that counts. Cora Hudson
: That's true, Mork, it is the thought. Mork
: Thoughts are important? Frederick McConnell
: Well, of course! Mork
: I should've given you one of those for Christmas! Cora Hudson
: You can give a thought? Mork
: No, but you can give it to yourselves, I can make it happen!
: Ciao! Mork
: Mork, I have a date! Mork
: Don't tell me. June 2nd, 1852.
: Is Mork your first or last name? Mork
[Mindy finds a letter from Mork
: Mindy, I know you are sad because people think you and I are lovelings. I don't want you to be sad anymore, so I'm going away. If people from Ork knew how to love, I'm sure I would love you, but I don't even understand what love is. Love, Mork.
: So did the basketball game end early? Mork
: I guess so. After about an hour, your father stopped it. Mindy McConnell
: My father stopped it? Mork
: Yeah, he said, "This has gone on long enough!" Mindy McConnell
: Oh Mork, what did you do? Mork
: Oh, lots of things. I had a great time!
: Are you running away? Mork
: How can you tell? Eugene
: It's written all over your face. Mork
: Shazbot, I've broken out in words!
: I saw your signs outside, The Friends of Venus. I thought I'd stop by to see if there's anyone here I know. Exidor
: Do you know any of the friends of Venus? Mork
: Oh, I know some people from Venus. I know one guy who's kind of cute if you're into short and fuzzy.
: Do you believe in people from outer space? Mork
: Shazbot! Na-nu, Na-nu! Exidor
: I've been to all the planets in your solar system. Exidor
: Mars? Mercury? Pluto? Mork
: Oh, don't ever go to Pluto, it's a Mickey Mouse planet.
: Mork, are you here? Mork
: [busts through the wallpaper
] Here I am! Mindy McConnell
: Mork, why did you wallpaper the door? Mork
: Well I didn't want to stop, I was on a roll!
Franklin Delano Bickley
: Let's be honest, an apartment is for wild young people, but an apartment is... Mork
: For wild older people!
: [Mork screams and runs under the table
] I think something's troubling him. Mindy McConnell
: Mork, will you come out?
[Mork screams high pitched
] Mindy McConnell
: Mork, what's the matter? Mork
: Oh nothing much, just that your house tried to attack me! That's all! Mindy McConnell
: Oh come on, Mork, really! Mork
: WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'COME ON REALLY'?
[comes out from under the table
: Mindy I'm telling you the truth! I was at the house and I was hanging wallpaper, and a wind BLEW in the air across the room! Then it got real cold! Then real hot! And then a swarm of bees came in! Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya! Then a swarm of flies! Zip-zip-zip-zip-zip-zip-zip! And then I ran flamboyantly to the window screaming 'Ah-a-a-a-a-a-ah!' and it slammed shut! Then this is the terrifying part, I was standing there and the furniture started attacking me! Yes! A little ottoman, and an ottowoman too! They're coming at me! And the armchair couldn't keep its hands to itself! And a strange voice kept crying out 'GET out of HEEERE!' By the time it said 'here', I was HERE! Mindy McConnell
: Have you been hitting the cream soda again? Mork
: Mindy, you gotta believe me! You gotta believe me! Mindy McConnell
: Believe you? What am I supposed to believe? That my house is haunted? Mork
: Well it's either that or I've lost my mind.
: Maybe you better call the police and ask them to look for a little gray squishy thing! Jean DaVinci
: He could be right! You know there are case histories of haunted houses?
: [takes sheet off antique rocker
] See this chair?
[Mork raises bat
] Mindy McConnell
: My mother did the needlepoint on this entire chair. Mork
: That's beautiful, did she crochet this stain too? Mindy McConnell
: And see these marks on the door? That was how tall I was each birthday from 2 to 13. Mork
: We have the same thing on Ork except they tattoo it on the back of our head.
: Do you see any flies? You see any bees? Mork
: No but they were here last night. Mindy McConnell
: Well bugs get in sometimes. Mork
: Oh yeah, big suckers like that! How does that explain the furniture moving? The bees underneath going
[mimes holding up furntiure, buzzing
: 'ee-ee-eeeee'? Mindy McConnell
: Sometimes a truck goes by and it moves things. Mork
: You sure? Mindy McConnell
: I'm positive.
[later, hears a voice saying 'Get out of here!
] Mindy McConnell
: Did you hear that? Mork
: Hope it was a truck!
: [a voice is calling for them to get out of the house
] Mindy, I always believe you must follow the advice of the spirit world, LET'S TAKE A HIKE! Mindy McConnell
: It sounds like it's coming from that closet! Mork
: That's wonderful, let's talk about it over tea in Wyoming. Mindy McConnell
: I'm not leaving! This is my house! Mork
: [hands her a baseball bat
] Well, good luck, aim high!
: Mindy, I don't want to upset you, but after Mork told us what went on in your house, I did a little research, and I found this old book in the library. Mindy McConnell
: Colorado Legends? Mork
: Oh, intriguing! Remo DaVinci
: That's just bunk! Jean DaVinci
: [opens book
] Recognize this? Mindy McConnell
: Yeah, it kind of looks like my house. Jean DaVinci
: It is, in 1921. Only then it was known as Lafalette House. Mindy McConnell
: Lafalette is my mother's maiden name. Jean DaVinci
: Well, this book says two sisters built this home in 1894, Lucinda and Dedra Lafalette. Mindy McConnell
: Lucinda and Dedra? They must've been my great, great aunts or something. Jean DaVinci
: Well according to this, Lucinda was the older sister and she wasn't so attractive, but she was madly in love with this handsome young silver miner named Harrison Monteith; but he was in love with the young and beautiful Dedra. Then one night they found Harrison's body. He'd been mysteriously poisoned, but no one could prove who did it. After that, the sisters boarded themselves up in the house, and they were never seen again until the day they died. Mindy McConnell
: Oh that's great, that happened in my house? That's terrific. Jean DaVinci
: Well, it could be that Lucinda and Dedra don't want their house sold.
: I wonder what ghosts do when they're not busy scaring people.
[hears toilet flush
: That's the last thing I would've dreamed of!
: Mork, you've been acting awfully strange lately. I mean, more strange than usual. Mork
: Oh, you've noticed. Mindy McConnell
: Noticed! How could I help it? Like, yesterday you spent all day walking and talking backwards. Mork
: Well, that's all behind me now!
: Mork, why are you doing all these strange things? Mork
: To cheer you up. Mindy McConnell
: But I'm not sad. Mork
: Well, you will be after you hear the news that I have to tell you. Mindy McConnell
: What news? Mork
: That I've got orders from Orson. I've been transferred to another planet and I'll never ever see you again. Mindy McConnell
: [sitting down in shock
] What? Mork
] Well. You've got to look at the good side. You're not losing an alien, you'll... you're gaining an empty room!
: You don't have to be sad on account of me. Mindy McConnell
: How can I help it? You're being sent off to some remote corner of the universe. I don't even know where. Mork
: It's not that far away. It's just the other side of the universe, and it's a Sigma 7 Galaxy. It's a troubled planet called Cirrhus.
: Why would you want to leave here? Are you unhappy? Is it something I've done? Mork
: Oh, no. It's something you have. Emotions. Mindy McConnell
: That doesn't make sense. Mork
: Oh, yes, it does. See, one day I'm going to have to leave the Earth, and it's going to hurt you very much. And I've only been here a few months, and look how you feel. Imagine what it would be like after ten years. The longer I stay, the harder it'll be for you. Mindy McConnell
: Well, what about you? Mork
: [he gives a fake little laugh and deepens his voice
] Me? The cosmic Charles Bronson?
Franklin Delano Bickley
: I was blaming it on you, but it's time I faced it. I've lost it. Mork
: Well, we can form a posse and find it, if you want! Franklin Delano Bickley
: [glares at him
] No, it's no use. They say your sympathy is the first thing to go. I used to be able to get tears out of a coat rack. Not anymore. Listen to this: "Your pet rabbit died / Poor little Muffet! / Your two choices are: / Eat it or stuff it."
[Mork thinks a real rabbit has died
: Aw, that's sad!
: Mr. Bickley, you're just going through a writer's slump. Mork is leaving for good! Franklin Delano Bickley
: Look, sister, Little Muffet ain't coming back, either. Mork
: Oh. None of us has a reason to be happy now. Franklin Delano Bickley
: [helping himself to their drinks
] I'll drink to that.
[Susan bursts through the door, all smiles
: Knock, knock, knock!
[Her smile fades. Mork is slumped over, rubbing his ear. Mindy is slumped over, shading her eyes because of tears. Bickley is leaning on the counter, burying himself in a drink
: Well, what a group. Hear No Evil, See No Evil, and Feel No Pain. What's wrong with you people? Franklin Delano Bickley
: I've lost my talent. Mindy McConnell
: Mork is leaving. Mork
: The rabbit died.
: You people have got to get ERK! Franklin Delano Bickley
: You've been irking me since you came in. Susan
: Mindy, listen. ERK would help you with your depression. And Mr. Bickley, you know, you could use some help with your drinking. Franklin Delano Bickley
: I drink fine by myself. Susan
: Oh, and Mork, I bet he could come up with something for you. Mork
: Yeah. That sounds exciting. Come on, Mindy!
[taking her hands and leaping up
: Let's not poop the party!
: This is Ellsworth!
[Mork and Mindy stand up to shake hands, but Ellsworth ignores them
: Oh, Ellsworth, you know, we're so lucky to have a man like you, so unselfish - it's a special gift for... Ellsworth
: [interrupting her with a huge smile
] Yes, excuse me, excuse me. Could you hold that thought just a moment? Susan
: [almost swooning toward him
] Ohh, yes.
[Ellsworth, checkbook in hand, starts counting how many people are attending
: Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. Twenty bodies, twenty checks! Okay, we're all set.
[He puts his checkbook in his pocket
: Now, what were you saying? Mork
: She was saying how nice it was that an unselfish man like you came all this way for a little thing like money!
[Mork and Mindy look at menus
] Mindy McConnell
: Why don't you have The Businessman's Lunch? Mork
: Why should I have it if he didn't?
: How do you know my name? George
: I make it my business to get acquainted with every fox in town. Mork
: A good way to do that is to leave dead meat on your porch.
: This, I take it, is Merc. Mork
: Oh no, that's a great car! My name Mork. Na-nu, Na-nu!
: I knew what pain was, but nobody ever told me it hurt.
: Mork from Ork has never been called a coward. I've never even lost a holitacker except for that one on Sirius, and how can you trust an eight-legged pekingese as an umpire?
: Bartender, spam for everybody!
: I'm trying to fit in here on Earth because these are a very violent, violent people. Orson
: You mean they have wars? Mork
: Oh no, worse than that. Violence is part of their everyday lives. First of all, they *slash* prices, they *drown* their sorrows, they *punch* buttons and they kill time. I'm not even gonna tell you what they do to eggs. Orson
: I had no idea they were so vicious. Mork
: Oh, not only that, they *blow up* photographs, they *hang* plants, and I heard one guy telling another guy, "Hey man, you can crash at my place." And even when they're finished having a fight and they want to make up, they threaten to bury the hatchet! Orson
: What makes them so violent? Mork
: I don't know. I think it starts when a baby is born. The first thing a doctor does is hit it. They don't stand a chance, your immenseness.
: [as a 3 year old, to a moose head
] Moo Moo bit me! And then he came down and attacked my knee, BAD Moo Moo!
[hits the moose and hurts his hand
: I'm worried I just don't know what it would be like to have a child. Mork
: And I'm sad, because I don't know what it'd be like to have a mother. Mindy McConnell
: Well at least I've got a way of finding out. Mork
: I've got a way we can both find out. I'll set my age machine for 3 years old, for 10 minutes, that way I'll be a baby, and you'll be my
[age machine kicks in, high pitched voice
: MAMA! Mommy hold me!
: You must've fallen asleep while you were watching TV. Mork
: If I was asleep, then the TV was watching me.
: All night long, Dan just kept talking about babies, then I realized he never talked about us. He wasn't into having a wife so much as he wanted a family; and I want to be a couple before I'm a group. Mork
: I'm sorry you lost your husband. Did my becoming a child affect your decision? Mindy McConnell
: Well I have to admit it opened my eyes, it's hard to be a mother. Mork
: Yeah, it's pretty tough being a kid too, but you made it easy. Know something? Mindy McConnell
: What? Mork
: You're gonna make a terrific mother.
: On Earth, babies aren't grown in test tubes, they're grown in something wonderful called a mother. Orson
: That's the old fashioned way, Mork. 80 bleems ago a few of us did it up here too, as part of a nostalgia craze. Mork
: Sometimes I think the old ways are the best ways, Orson. Orson
: Nap, nap, our method is much more efficient. Mork
: Orson, when you were a baby, don't you remember being held and cuddled, taken for walks? Orson
: Magnavac26 did that. Mork
: But on Earth a mother does it. And she does all sorts of other nice things for her children for her entire life. Oh it's a warm and wonderful thing. Orson
: How much does she get paid? Mork
: Nothing. Orson
: Is it because her work is considered of no real value? Mork
: No, because it's considered priceless.
: Mork, you talk to your spacesuit? Mork
: Of course. It spoke first, I'd be rude not to reply.
: How'd your observation of traffic go today? Mork
: Oh, not very well. Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?
: Well Mork, if you wanna be an earthling, you're just gonna have to experience love. Mork
: Oh. Ah! Does this love lead to mating? Mindy McConnell
: Yes. Mork
: Oh good, because I've been wanting to try that. When can we start?
: What seems to be the matter? Mindy McConnell
: Oh, I'm just disappointed in the mail. Mork
: Ah, then let me teach you something. You see, it's common throughout the universe for the female of the species to be disappointed in the male. The nimnul factor's omnipresent, and they can be such beasts sometimes.
: [about Mindy
] This is my brother, he likes to dress up a little, come on, Roland.
: Excuse me, Mister Williams, but I have a big big big favor to ask of you. I know you don't know me and I don't want to impose, but I was supposed to get an interview with you for KTNS, and if I don't, I'll be fired. Mork
: Yeah, and it's been a bad year for her, she bet on Carter, Roberto Duran, and she had to buy stock in Chrysler too.
: [to Robin
] You sure are a hard man to get in touch with. Mork
: Yeah, you have tighter security than the Pope. A bullet couldn't get past your manager's security's security's security's answering machine.
: I thought all stars were rich, live in mansions and drive big eggs. Mork
: I know, sir, that's the common misconception. But you see to get that you have to pay a very heavy price: you have responsibilities, anxieties, and to tell you the truth, sir, some of them can't take it. Orson
: I'm not buying it, Mork. Mork
: Why, sir? Orson
: It sounds to me like they have it made. Mork
: Well, most of them do sir, but some are victims of their own fame, very special and talented people: people like Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe... Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Lenny Bruce, Freddie Prinze, and John Lennon.
: Dear Superman, I am writing you this letter because I'm really perturbed. How can you call yourself a Man of Steel if you wear blue tights with the underwear on the outside? Everyone knows that Krypton is the Miami Beach of the Universe. You're a jive-turkey in red booties! Love, your friend, Mork from Ork. P.S. Don't you sweat a lot, wearing two suits?
[Someone bangs from below the floor
: Whoa, the mice must be taking steroids!
: Mindy, you Earthlings must learn some more virtues, like being more tolerant. We have a saying on Ork: Tolerance is next to cowardice.
: Don't Orkans ever have any problems with unreasonable neighbors? Mork
: Well, one time the planet next to us blew up. We all complained about it and they never did it again.
: Mork and I have decided to get married. Fred McConnell
: Over my dead body! Mork
: That'll trip us, Pop, but it won't stop us.
: I'll just be up here knitting a Volkswagen.
: I'm gonna be your son-in-law and you can just call me Meathead! Fred McConnell
: You can count on it.
: Did I startle you? Mork
: Well, not as much as if you'd been Ethyl Merman.
: Well, where I come from everybody believes in you. Peter Pan
: Oh, well, where's that? Mork
: I come from a place far, far away where the plants are as intelligent as the people. And the sky is yellow and brown. Peter Pan
: I don't know why people are unhappy when there are so many clowns in government.
[Mearth cries when his model train stops working
] Fred McConnell
: Mearth, it's alright, it's just a few loose connections on the transformer. It's old and it doesn't work very well anymore. Mork
: You understand, son, like the Nielsen ratings.
: You're upset, and you have to remember that the darkest is always... Well, 3 a.m.
: You see, sir, I've learned that although it's good to encourage your child to shoot for the stars, it's not always good to choose which galaxy. You see, if it's up to parents, there'd only be three jobs in the whole world: doctor, lawyer and wholesale jeweler. Orson
: But don't you want Mearth to pursue a career you can be proud of? Mork
: Sir, that's not our decision. And we'll honor his choice even if he wants to become a network executive.
: Stand up straight, Mork. Mork
: Ma'am. Miss Geezba
: And don't forget that book report. Mork
: Yeah... yes, ma'am. I'm doing it on the wit and wisdom of Richard Nixon. It'll be a one-page essay.
: Now tell me, what's the poop around here? Mork
: Oh, let's scoop! We'll dish 'til dawn. First of all, Mindy got a job, I got a job, Carter lost a job - awwww! I wondered why peanut butter was getting so expensive. And uh, Brooke Shields turned 40 on her 15th birthday, coleslaw's hard to reheat, and also, they put Walter Cronkite out to stud. Watch out, Grandma!
: When boys start reading magazines like these, it's time for their father to sit down with them and have a talk about the difference between boys and girls. Mork
: Oh Mind, we've already worked that out. I mean, I've told him that boys like to play sports and girls like to wear makeup, and if you're Alice Cooper, you can do both!
: Mork, are you okay? Mork
: Mind? Can you help me get up? Mindy McConnell
: Oh, Mork, you shouldn't balance on your nose.
[Mindy discovers that Mearth has built a robot, M.I.L.T., in their living room for a school project
: What do you think of our little Mearth's science project here, huh? Ha ha! I always said he had my brains and your love of shellfish.
: Mork calling Orson. Come in Orson.
[Fade to the black where Mork speaks with Orson; Mork is standing facing forward
: Hello, I'm Mork Wallace.
[Cut to him facing stage left looking at the camera
: I'm Morkley Safer.
[Cut to him facing stage right looking at the camera
: And I'm Morkey Rooney.
[Cut to him turned away from the camera
: Does my hair look good in the back?
[Cut to him sitting at a news desk, teletype fades in
: Welcome to the extended Mork Report.
: Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!
: Mork! Been looking all over for you. Mork
: Have you tried my house? Exidor
: What a novel idea!
: Mearth, Daddy's upset because he made a little mistake. Mork
: Well, saying it's a little mistake, Mind, is like saying Lizzie Borden was a little nuisance with an axe.
: It's not what's in front of you that blocks your way, it's what's inside you that holds you back.
: Knife. Mork
[Hands Jean a knife
] Jean DaVinci
: Fork. Mork
[Hands Jean a fork
] Jean DaVinci
: Mayo. Mork
[Places a handful of mayo on Jean's hand
] Jean DaVinci
: [Looks at Mork
] Mork? Hold the mayo.
[Hands it back to Mork
: Do you realize where we're are? We're at the dawn of man. Mork
: Old man. Finally, we'll be able to buy land in California, cheap.
: Now, may I pose a hypothetical question to you? You're out strolling, lo and behold, you come upon Bambi in the middle of a burning forest. Now, here's the question. What do you do? Do you either lead Bambi to safety across the river, or do you baste him in barbecue sauce and have Bambi in a bucket?
: What about your friend? Mork
: Eh, she spent a lot of time feeling lonely, but then she realized her best chance of going out was to be more outgoing. Orson
: That reminds me of an old Orkan saying... Mork
: Me, too, sir. "If one stays too long in his shell, he'll wind up nuts." On that same note, sir, nanu.