Major Anthony Nelson
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Quotes for
Major Anthony Nelson (Character)
from "I Dream of Jeannie" (1965)

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"I Dream of Jeannie: Guess What Happened on the Way to the Moon? (#1.3)" (1965)
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: [referring to the curly hair and curly beard Jeannie gave him] Uh, Jeannie, if I go around Cape Kennedy like this, they'll blast me off without a capsule.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: [Tony puts the stopper on Jeannie's bottle as Roger approaches him] There! You'll be safe right here.
Capt. Roger Healey: Yeah, but how safe am I gonna be in the desert with a guy who talks to bottles?

Capt. Roger Healey: Boy, it must be 110 in the shade out here. If there was any shade.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Well, cheer up. It's only 7 o'clock in the morning.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: You come out of there. Now, now, come on. I'm in no mood to play games. Jeannie, look. Don't be afraid.
[Roger notices that Tony is talking into his canteen; to Jeannie]
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: I... I just want to talk to you.
Capt. Roger Healey: Talking to your canteen? Aren't you afraid your bottle will get jealous?
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: No, I wasn't talking to it! I was... well, you know...
[blows into it as if playing a jug]
Capt. Roger Healey: [a bit annoyed] Would you like me to play a few verses on my comb of 'Sugar Blues', or shall we get on with the survival mission?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Where am I? Where am I? What's that?
Jeannie: Baktu malali. An ancient Persian remedy
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Oh, boy. What is it?
Jeannie: Hot chicken soup.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: [to Jeannie] It's wonderful, but I can't gorge myself on roast lamb while my buddy is out eating needles.

Capt. Roger Healey: Hey, you know something? I must be cracking up. I could swear I smell roast lamb.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Huh? Oh. Oh, that. Yeah, well, I got so hungry I cooked my shoe and I ate it.
Capt. Roger Healey: Roast shoe? How did it taste?
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: A lot like roast lamb.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: [Tony is trying to explain to Dr. Bellows how he survived the mission] Roger chose the hard way, and I chose the easy way.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: Obviously! Captain Healey lost twelve pounds traveling thirty miles in seven days, while you turn up three days early, seventy-five miles from the Drop Zone... and looking like the guest of honor at the Gourmet's Club!

Jeannie: [after Dr. Bellows leaves] Too rich food! That doctor, I don't think I like him.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Well, if he caught you here, I don't think he'd be too happy either. You better beat it.

Jeannie: You will love the desert of Saudi Arabia. I know a pool there.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: I bet you do.


"I Dream of Jeannie: My Hero? (#1.2)" (1965)
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: [after Tony wishes for Jeannie to get rid of his swimming pool, she zaps it away, leaving his head stuck in the patio concrete] Help!

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Say, has the weather changed much in the last two thousand years?
Jeannie: Oh, weather is weather. In ancient Persia we had an old saying: "Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it."
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: You're kidding.
Jeannie: I jest you not, Master.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Hey where did we get the groceries?
Jeannie: Oh, I went shopping early this morning.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: You left the house?
Jeannie: Yes. I had to hurry down to my neighborhood grocer to shop for your supper.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Well, now, who told you to do that?
Jeannie: A man on television.
Jeannie: Figures.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Come on, let's go.
Jeannie: Where?
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Well, down to the market. Maybe we can still catch him.
Jeannie: Please, do not bother. You-you have to go breathe.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: I do not have to breathe.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Hey, where are we?
Jeannie: We're at the market place, Master. Oh, and there is Ali, the man who hit me.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Wait a second. Wait. That was two thousand years ago?
Jeannie: Yes.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Well, why were you crying about it this morning?
Jeannie: I just remembered it.

Auctioneer: [Tony is placed on slave auction] How much do I hear?
Bidder: One shekel is all he is worth.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: One shekel? I'm a college graduate! I'm worth at least... Let me out of here!
Auctioneer: Did I not tell thee he was high-spirited.
Bidder: Three shekels.
Auctioneer: Oh, three shekels. He is worth twenty times that much. Look, look at these teeth!
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: I have a lot of cavities. I use the wrong toothpaste! I appreciate your interest in me, Sir. But I am late for the office. Excuse me.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Captain Anthony Nelson, United States Air Force, serial number 36076A. And that's all the information I'm required to give.

Jeannie's Father: It is sad. We were such a happy family before the tragedy overtook us.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Tragedy?
Jeannie's Father: When our daughter refused to marry the wicked Djinn and he turned her into a genie.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Oh, yes, that. Well, every family has its little problems. Will the wedding be soon, Sir? I'd like to see it, but I really ought to be getting back to Cocoa Beach.
Jeannie's Father: What is this 'Cocoa Beach'?
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: It's a little town east of... Baghdad.

Jeannie's Father: Tell me, my son, how many camels dost thou have?
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Why... why none. I...
Jeannie's Father: None?
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Well... well, I mean, I have none with me.
[both chuckle]
Jeannie's Father: My daughter tells me that thou art a prince among princes.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Well, you know how Jeannie exaggerates.
[both laugh]
Jeannie's Father: I would wager that thou hast a king's ransom in goats and oxen.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Yeah, well, I-I can honestly say I have as many goats and oxen as anyone in Cocoa Beach.
Jeannie's Father: I'm pleased to hear that.

Jeannie: Did you really mean it when you said that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to you?
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: I refuse to answer on the grounds I may incriminate myself.


"I Dream of Jeannie: The Lady in the Bottle (#1.1)" (1965)
[after Jeannie kisses him]
Major Nelson: I must have gone further into orbit than I thought.

Major Nelson: Jeannie, that's marvelous. I don't know how to thank you.
Jeannie: [putting her arms around his neck] I will teach thee, Master.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: What was this genie like?
Major Nelson: Oh, she was - um, just your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill genie.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: Of course. Beautiful?
Major Nelson: Yes, yeah.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: Desirable? And helpful?
Major Nelson: Yes, yes.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: Captain, that's the classic fantasy. A beautiful girl on a desert island. A girl who would do anything for you. Do you know who that girl was?
Major Nelson: No, sir. I've never seen her before in my life.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: She was your mother.
Major Nelson: My mother's in Salt Lake City, sir.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: I'm a psychiatrist. I know a mother when I see one.

[Jeannie walks into the room wearing only one of Captain Nelson's shirts]
Major Nelson: Well. Well, look - look who's here.
Melissa Stone: I'm looking.
Major Nelson: Oh, uh, Me-Melissa, this is - This is Jeannie.
Melissa Stone: Tony. I've always prided myself on being tolerant, but - But would you explain to me, what is that girl doing here?
Major Nelson: Uh, w-well, that's the explanation. She's not here.
[Jeannie giggles]
Melissa Stone: What?
Major Nelson: Uh, w-well, she is here, but of course, uh, she's not a girl.
[Jeannie folds her arms, clearly mad]

[after Melissa leaves]
Jeannie: What was that one doing here, Master?
Major Nelson: That one was my fiancée.
Jeannie: Hah. Thou art kidding.
Major Nelson: Now, just a minute, young lady. Melissa happens to be a very...
Jeannie: A black-haired demon.
Major Nelson: Oh, well, yeah. Look who's talking.
Jeannie: I can do much more for thee than she can.
[thows her arms around his neck]
Major Nelson: Now-now, stop that, Jeannie. We don't do that in America.

Gen. Wingard Stone: [Upon the sudden arrival of General Stone and Dr Bellows, Tony has hidden Jeannie's bottle in a garbage can] Dr Bellows tells me you had a hallucination back on that island.
Major Nelson: Um, you really didn't need to tell the General that, sir.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: I'm only trying to safeguard the welfare of my astronauts, Captain.
Major Nelson: But I'm fine now sir, really. There's no girl in a bottle.
[just notices that a garbage truck has just pulled up and 2 garbagemen have emptied the trash can with Jeannie's bottle in it into the compactor]
Major Nelson: STOP! Wait! There's a girl in there!
[runs over whilst Dr Bellows and the General look on]
First Garbage Man: [sarcastically] Oh really? She must have slipped past us.
Major Nelson: No, really. There's a girl in there! She's in a bottle!
[Garbage men ignore him. The trash compactor starts up]
Major Nelson: STOP! STOP! You'll kill her! I - I'll buy the garbage from you!
First Garbage Man: [to his colleague] Charge for garbage?
Second Garbage Man: Well, this is a good neighbourhood, we got a good grade of garbage.
Major Nelson: Here, I'll give you $20
[gives him the money]
Major Nelson: Jeannie! Jeannie!
[rummages through the garbage in the truck]
Major Nelson: Jeannie, speak to me!
[finds bottle]
Major Nelson: Ah! Here she is.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: [Dr Bellows and General Stone have been watching all this in bemusement] Come with us, Captain Nelson, we'll buy you all the garbage you want.

Melissa Stone: Goodbye Tony.
Major Nelson: No, no. You don't understand.
Melissa Stone: Oh, I'm afraid I do understand.
[Melissa stares at Jeannie standing in front of Tony's bedroom, still clad in 'Master's' shirt, before she faces him again, trying to stay calm]
Melissa Stone: Tony... I may be, tolerant, but...
[explodes in frustration]
Melissa Stone: But that's a GIRL!
[running to front door]
Melissa Stone: IT'S A GIRL!
[slams door on her way out]

Major Nelson: [Jeannie is wearing Tony's shirt] I wish you'd take my shirt off, Jeannie.
[Jeannie begins to take off the shirt]
Major Nelson: No, no! I mean, I wish you'd put on your own clothes.
[Jeannie transforms into her own clothes]
Major Nelson: Thanks. You're just not Air Force, Jeannie. I have a career. I have a fiancée.
Jeannie: 'That One', she is made of ice. She could never make thee happy.

Major Nelson: How'd you get in that crazy bottle, anyway?
Jeannie: Oh, a wicked and powerful jinn put me in there, because I would not marry him.


"I Dream of Jeannie: Jeannie and the Marriage Caper (#1.4)" (1965)
Jeannie: [referring to Melissa, Tony's fiancée] Her vibrations are all wrong for you.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Oh. That's funny. I kinda like the way she vibrates.

Jeannie: You will be throwing your life away.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: It is not so, and... And it is my life. And I can throw it any place I please.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: A million bottles on the beach, and I had to pick hers.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: [Jeannie opens the front door, and stands against one side of it, while Roger stands on the other side, looking at Tony; hissing to Jeannie] Get out!
[she vanishes]
Capt. Roger Healy: [somewhat confused] I just got here!

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: You know, in all the years I've been practicing psychiatry, you're the most interesting person I've ever met.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Oh, thank you, sir.
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: Oh, I-I was speaking clinically.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: What do you find so interesting about me?
Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD: Well, you don't fit into any known category. One minute you're calm, the next, you're hysterical. You can pass the most difficult test the Air Force has devised, and yet, you hear voices. You're a top scientist, and you suffer from delusions. You don't call that interesting? I can't wait to put you in a book.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Uh, you do read, don't you?
Jeannie: [nods] Mm-mm. Right to left, left to right, top to bottom, or bottom to top.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Hm. Uh, left to right, top to bottom.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: You must be a mind-reader.
Jeannie: Oh, no, no. I cannot read minds, Master. Oh, but I have a friend, Nostradamus, who does a marvelous job of...
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: I bet you do.


"I Dream of Jeannie: What House Across the Street? (#1.14)" (1965)
Jeannie: Oh, Master, I'm sorry! I know you must find this a little strange.
Captain Anthony Nelson: Strange? It's not strange at all falling over a sheep in your own living room.

Captain Anthony Nelson: Well, where are they when you pick up Jeannie at her house?
Capt. Roger Healey: I've never been to Jeannie's house before.
Captain Anthony Nelson: Well, where do you meet?
Capt. Roger Healey: In front of the public library.
Captain Anthony Nelson: She must have a house. Or are you gonna be married at the return book counter?

Captain Anthony Nelson: Listen, Roger, when I say that's a vacant lot across the street I mean there's a house on it.

General Hadley: Good afternoon, Captain Nelson.
Captain Anthony Nelson: Good afternoon, General Hadley.
Dr. Bellows: Captain, do you always drink tea in the middle of a vacant lot?
Captain Anthony Nelson: Well, sir, it was such a lovely afternoon I thought I'd have my tea out here among the wildflowers.
General Hadley: Do you do this often, Captain Nelson?
Captain Anthony Nelson: When I want to commune with nature, sir. Like Thoreau.
Dr. Bellows: Thoreau?
Captain Anthony Nelson: Yes, yes, he used to do it all the time. Well, I better go home and tend my sheep.


"I Dream of Jeannie: My Master, the Rainmaker (#2.4)" (1966)
Sergeant Ben Roberts: It was just the only way I could think of to save my brother.
Major Anthony Nelson: To save your brother?
Sergeant Ben Roberts: Yes, sir. My brother and my sister in law, they got this here farm in Four Corners, Alabama.
Major Anthony Nelson: Yeah?
Sergeant Ben Roberts: It ain't much, but it's all they got in the world. Anyway, I got this letter from my brother, yesterday, saying as to how they're gonna lose that farm. You see there's been a turrible drought down there, all year. Not a drop of water. All his crops are dryin' up and blowin' away. So when I heard Dr. Bellows talk about you... I uh... excuse me again for bothering you, sir...

Sergeant Ben Roberts: It's about Four Corners, sir, or what's left of it.
Major Anthony Nelson: Yes?
Sergeant Ben Roberts: I know I asked you to make it rain down there, and I certainly appreciate your help, but, Major, this is, uh, well, my brother says the streets are turning into rivers! His farm is three feet underwater. The barn floated away this morning.
Major Anthony Nelson: The barn floated away?
Sergeant Ben Roberts: You've got to stop that rain, sir!

Major Anthony Nelson: Jeannie, why didn't you stop the rain when you left?
Jeannie: Rain? Oh... Four Corners! I left the water running!
Major Anthony Nelson: There's nothing left of the place. It's a lake!

Sergeant Ben Roberts: Major Nelson.
Major Anthony Nelson: Yeah?
Sergeant Ben Roberts: My brother just phoned me, and nobody understands it, but, uh, that lake that used to be his farm...
Major Anthony Nelson: Yes, what's the matter now?
Sergeant Ben Roberts: Well, it's filled... with the biggest trout you ever saw!
Major Anthony Nelson: Trout?
Sergeant Ben Roberts: And bass, and catfish! It's a fisherman's paradise! My brother and all his friends is rentin' out cabins to tourists, and getting rich!


"I Dream of Jeannie: The Yacht Murder Case (#1.6)" (1965)
Captain Anthony Nelson: Roger Healey, this is Nina.
Captain Roger Healey: Wow! If you're Nina I'd love to see what the Pinta and Santa Maria look like!

Jeannie: A secret mission, huh? She did not leave many secrets!
Captain Anthony Nelson: What are you doing here? I told you to wait in your vacuum cleaner!


"I Dream of Jeannie: Too Many Tonys (#1.15)" (1965)
Captain Anthony Nelson: Jeannie, listen, try to understand this. In the service, the kind of woman a man marries is very important. "And what does your wife do, Captain Nelson?" "Well, she's a genie, sir, I put her in a bottle every night." How's that gonna look on my service record?

Captain Anthony Nelson: The point is, sir, you've only met her once, and, well, you don't know what she's like.
Dr. Alfred Bellows: You're quite wrong, Captain. I am a psychiatrist. I know more about that girl than you'll ever know.
Captain Anthony Nelson: Would you like to bet on that, sir?
Dr. Alfred Bellows: I pride myself on being a rather keen judge of human nature.
Captain Anthony Nelson: Human nature? Well, that's not exactly what we're talking about.


"I Dream of Jeannie: Jeannie, My Guru (#4.12)" (1968)
Major Anthony Nelson: Well, I'll never understand women. And that goes double for teenagers!


"I Dream of Jeannie: My Master, Napoleon's Buddy (#2.28)" (1967)
Major Anthony Nelson: Pardon me, I don't mean to intrude. My name is Major Anthony Nelson. You don't know me, but I certainly know you. You're the Little Corporal.
General Pichegru: Execute him!
Major Anthony Nelson: Wait, wait now;please, take it easy. I don't mean to offend you sir,but everyone calls you the Little Corporal.
Napoleon: Those who do, regret it.


"I Dream of Jeannie: Happy Anniversary (#2.1)" (1966)
Blue Djinn: How does thou wish to die?
Major Anthony Nelson: Of old age.


"I Dream of Jeannie: Get Me to Mecca on Time (#1.16)" (1966)
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: [an ailing Jeannie is attempting to conjure up Tony's breakfast. She blinks and half of the breakfast plate appears] Half an egg? You really are sick.
[Jeannie ignores him and tries again. Half a coffee cup materializes]
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Wow. I'd ask you to conjure up a Doctor but I'd hate to see what he'd look like.


"I Dream of Jeannie: Djinn and Water (#1.10)" (1965)
Dr. Alfred Bellows: I haven't had a decent night's sleep since you've been assigned to me.
Captain Anthony Nelson: Sorry about that, sir.
Dr. Alfred Bellows: As a psychiatrist I know that everything has an explanation. That includes you - and this car. One day I'm going to get to the bottom of it, and do you know something, captain? That's going to be the happiest day of my life.


"I Dream of Jeannie: G.I. Jeannie (#1.5)" (1965)
Jeannie: Thou hast tried to drown me.
Anthony 'Tony' Nelson: Don't tempt me.


"I Dream of Jeannie: Russian Roulette (#1.13)" (1965)
Captain Anthony Nelson: That bottle is in the hands of the Russians! Whoever has that bottle can rule the world!


"I Dream of Jeannie: Where'd You Go-Go? (#1.12)" (1965)
Capt. Anthony Nelson: [after Jeannie turned herself into a chimpanzee in a bid for attention and he failed to notice] Jeannie, I'm sorry I didn't notice you were a chimpanzee.
Jeannie: [sulking] I am just something that you order in and out of a bottle.
Capt. Anthony Nelson: No, that's not true. You're a warm, wonderful woman.
[Jeannie starts warming to him]
Capt. Anthony Nelson: As a matter of fact I think you're one of the most beautiful-
[doorbell rings]
Capt. Anthony Nelson: Back in your bottle!
Jeannie: [screams in frustration]
Capt. Anthony Nelson: I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean it like that!
[Jeannie smokes herself inside her bottle]
Jeannie: [from inside the bottle, mutters something in her native language]
Capt. Anthony Nelson: [speaking into bottle] Do me a favour, don't ever translate that.


"I Dream of Jeannie: Genie, Genie, Who's Got the Genie?: Part 1 (#3.16)" (1968)
Major Anthony Nelson: Jeannie, don't worry about a thing, you just make yourself comfortable. Roger and I are gonna go and get you a professional safe-cracker.
Jeannie: Oh be careful Master! Safe-crackers are dangerous criminals!
Major Roger Healey: Hey, she's right! The Pink Horse Bar and Grill; that's where all the gangsters hang out!
Major Anthony Nelson: Where do you expect to find a safe-cracker; the Yellow Pages?


"I Dream of Jeannie: The Moving Finger (#1.9)" (1965)
Captain Anthony Nelson: I was on my way to a military mission.
Jeannie: Where?
Captain Anthony Nelson: To a city called Hollywood in a state called California where they make moving pictures.