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Quotes for
Vince Noir (Character)
from "The Mighty Boosh" (2003)

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"The Mighty Boosh: Tundra (#1.4)" (2004)
Howard Moon: Imagine the headlines. "Howard Moon"-colon- "Explorer." It's got a ring to it, hasn't it?
Vince Noir: Colon explorer?
Howard Moon: You know what I'm saying.
Vince Noir: I think that's got the wrong ring to it.

Vince Noir: But actually, I better go and look for Howard, I'm a bit worried about him, so um... but, you know, I've had a really good time and uh, it's been great and, uh, I'll probably see you around, yeah?
Polar Bear: Hold Me.
Vince Noir: What?
Polar Bear: [cheerlessly] Nothing.
Vince Noir: Did you say 'Hold me'?
Polar Bear: [in same despondent tenor] No.
Vince Noir: [pauses. Twiddles fingers uneasily, then sits down beside Polar Bear and gingerly puts arm around him]

Howard Moon: [about Bainbridge] What's he got that I haven't got?
Vince Noir: A moustache.
Howard Moon: What do you think this is I've got going on here?
Vince Noir: [laughing] As if that's a moustache. That's a cappuccino stain.
Howard Moon: How dare you? This is at least a mocha, OK? Don't be mockin' my mocha.

Howard Moon: Vince, this is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this. I love you, Vince.
Vince Noir: [Tries to stifle his laughter]
Howard Moon: What are you doing?
Vince Noir: [laughing quietly] Nothing.
Howard Moon: Are you laughing?
Vince Noir: No.
Howard Moon: You better not be laughing at me now.
Vince Noir: [ontinues to laugh]
Howard Moon: I'm telling you I love you. How dare you laugh at me.
Vince Noir: You make me laugh.
Howard Moon: That is so humiliating.
Vince Noir: You just caught me off guard.
Howard Moon: Really.
Vince Noir: Yeah, it was out of the blue.
Howard Moon: Well, I'm telling you I love you, and you're laughing at me.
Vince Noir: Well, I love you.
Howard Moon: You don't love me.
Vince Noir: I do.
Howard Moon: You're just saying that because I said it to you. It doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.
Vince Noir: No, I love you.
Howard Moon: No, you don't.

Vince Noir: Seriously though, you should check out my icy wardrobe.
Howard Moon: What, the human Coke can?
Vince Noir: This is the glam rock ski suit!
Howard Moon: The arctic is no respector of fashion, Vince. You know, never take the tundra lightly. It can drive a man insane. You know what it is about this place, that can get to a man?
Vince Noir: Not really.
Howard Moon: Have a look through there, what do you see?
Vince Noir: [looks through binoculars] Nothing.
Howard Moon: Exactly. It's the nothingness... the whiteness... the endless... ness. Stretching on beyond the human imagination. Desolation of the soul. Oh my Gooooooooooood!
[raps]
Howard Moon: Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaaaa / Check him out.
[Vince dances]
Howard Moon: They call him the shrew! Arms in short, then with the claw!
Vince Noir: I'm little Johnny Frostbite, moving around / Freezing you up, freezing you down / Like an icicle / Coming in your tent in the pink light, scissorbite/
Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Arctic death!
Vince Noir: Infinite night!
Howard Moon: Call me Tundra Boy / Cause I move like an arctic
Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Lizard!
Howard Moon: When the blizzard strikes / I disappear like a pipe dream
Vince Noir, Howard Moon: All that's left is the gleam!
Howard Moon: On a tent peg
Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Boosh, Boosh / Stronger than a moose / Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop / Stop, look around, take your mind off the floor / Cause the Boosh is loose / And we're a little bit raaaaw! /Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaa!
Howard Moon: ...yeah?
Vince Noir: All right! You proved your point, in song format!
Howard Moon: Yeah, well maybe you'll take this place a bit more seriously now.
[gets hit in the face with a snowball]

Vince Noir: Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.
Howard Moon: Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.
Vince Noir: Did you say mink? That's not very P.C. it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper.
Howard Moon: This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.
Vince Noir: What, by a mink?
Howard Moon: They get very big out here, the mink.
[gesturing at floor-length mink coat]
Howard Moon: This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.
Vince Noir: No way! I read a pamphlet.
Howard Moon: So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?
Vince Noir: It was a mink pamphlet. "Minky Monthly". There were loads of them on the front. It said in there that it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.
Howard Moon: That's 'cause they're really crap at sewing.

Howard Moon: [into tape recorder] Howard Moon's journal, day four. Many men have searched for the egg of Mantumbi. Many have failed. One man shall succeed. And I, Howard Moon, shall be that man.
Howard Moon: [gets hit in the face with snowball]
Vince Noir: [laughs]
Howard Moon: Stop doing that!
Vince Noir: What?
Howard Moon: It's not funny.
Vince Noir: It's hilarious!
Howard Moon: It isn't, okay? Do it again, and I'll come at you like a buzzard.
Vince Noir: Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.
Howard Moon: Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.
Vince Noir: Did you say mink?
Howard Moon: Yeah.
Vince Noir: That's not very P.C, is it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper!
Howard Moon: This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.
Vince Noir: What, by a mink?
Howard Moon: ...They get very big out here, the mink. This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.
Vince Noir: No way.
Howard Moon: It's true!
Vince Noir: No way! I read a pamphlet!
Howard Moon: So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?
Vince Noir: It was a mink pamphlet. Minky Monthly. There were loads of 'em on the front. Said in there, it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.
Howard Moon: That's because they're really crap at sewing.
Vince Noir: [Vince laughs]
Howard Moon: You like that?
Vince Noir: That's quite good, yeah.

[Howard and Vince are tied up back to back in an arctic cave, waiting to be sacrificed]
Howard Moon: This is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this... I love you, Vince.
[Vince smirks, then tries to stifle giggles]
Howard Moon: What you doin'?
Vince Noir: [Giggling] Nothing.
Howard Moon: Are you laughing?
Vince Noir: [laughing] No...
Howard Moon: [Over Vince's laughter] You better not be laughing at me... now.
[still over the laughter]
Howard Moon: I'm telling you I love you.
Vince Noir: [Giggles] It makes me laugh.
[giggling]
Howard Moon: That is so humiliating.
Vince Noir: You just got me off guard.
[smirking]
Howard Moon: Really.
Vince Noir: Yeah, it was out of the blue.
Howard Moon: I'm telling you I love you, and you're laughing at me.
Vince Noir: Well, I love you.
Howard Moon: You don't love me.
Vince Noir: I do!
Howard Moon: You're just saying you love me because I said it to you. It doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.
Vince Noir: [grinning] No, I love you!
Howard Moon: No, you don't.
Dixon Bainbridge: [Stepping into view] What a touching scene...


"The Mighty Boosh: Jungle (#1.5)" (2004)
Vince Noir: I can't believe Bainbridge is selling the zoo!
Naboo: He's a ball bag.

Vince Noir: What's that?
Howard Moon: Owls.
Vince Noir: That sound like wolves?
Howard Moon: They're wonderful mimics.

Vince Noir: Who are you?
Rudi: I go by many names.
Vince Noir: Well, what are they?
Rudi: I'm getting around to that in my own good mystical time.

[wolves howl]
Vince Noir: What was that?
Howard Moon: Owls.
Vince Noir: What, pretending to be wolves?
Howard Moon: They're very good mimics.
Vince Noir: What?
Howard Moon: Look, don't worry about wolves, ok? I know how to deal with them. If a wolf approaches, you simply punch it on the nose.
Vince Noir: That's sharks, innit?
Howard Moon: Works for any animal.

Vince Noir: Who are you?
Rudy: I go by many names.
[long pause]
Vince Noir: Well, what are they then?
Rudy: I'm getting round to that in my own good mystical time. Some call me Shatoon, bringer of corn. Others call me Mickey Nine, the dream weaver. Some call me Photoshop. Others call me Trenu, the boiler...
[fades out, then back in]
Rudy: Some call me Marjorie Keek. Others call me Captain Margaret.
[fades out, then back in]
Rudy: Others call me R-R-Rubbady Pubbady.
Vince Noir: Look, I haven't really got time for this.
Rudy: Oi!
Vince Noir: Are you going to tell me your real name or not?
Rudy: My name is Rudy. Rudy Van Der Sarzio, Jazz fusion guitarist.

Rudy: You have passed the test.
Vince Noir: What test?
Rudy: The Pipe test. Most men would have taken the Pipe, not given it back. But you are pure of heart.

Vince Noir: Thanks, I don't know what to say.
Rudy: No need to say anything, just kiss my balls.
Vince Noir: I'm not doing that!
Rudy: You have passed the test.
Vince Noir: What?
Rudy: The balls test! Most men would have kissed my balls...
Vince Noir: [Walks off] Seeya!


"The Mighty Boosh: Call of the Yeti (#2.1)" (2005)
Vince Noir: Yeah well that's nothing
[pulls trousers down]
Vince Noir: Nicky Clarke, hottest you can get, fell asleep on them when I was pissed.

Howard Moon: Do you need to pack this Jacobean ruff?
Vince Noir: Listen, I've got a strong feeling the Tudor look's gonna come back in while we're away. I don't wanna get left behind.
Howard Moon: You'll be in the wilderness. Who's gonna know?
Vince Noir: What if someone's photographing animals, yeah, and I'm in the back of the shot? The internet's a powerful tool these days.

Vince Noir: [about Cheekbone magazine] It's the most up-to-date magazine around. It's so cutting edge it goes out of date every three hours. Can't get it in shops. It's delivered by ninjas.

Naboo: He's gone too! It's all part of the ritual. Vince, ignore the Hippie Nonsense. You're a punk, stay punk. Think of Johnny Thunders. Block it out.
Vince Noir: What about you?
Naboo: I'm a Shaman. My mind is a fortress.
[Naboo starts dancing with the Yetis]


"The Mighty Boosh: Hitcher (#1.8)" (2004)
Vince Noir: [digging in a small paper bag] Do you want something to eat?
Howard Moon: Yeah, actually. I'm quite hungry.
Vince Noir: I've got it all in here. Ultra Violets. Flying Saucers. Strawberry Bootlace. C'mon. Get involved.
Howard Moon: Have you got any food?
Vince Noir: Yeah. Satin Zingers...
Howard Moon: No, like *real* food -
Vince Noir: ...Neptune Fizz.
Howard Moon: - you ever heard of rice?
Vince Noir: I've heard of Rice Krispies.

Vince Noir: Funk. Funk. Jazz's deformed cousin.

Vince Noir: [Vince and Howard are driving in a van. Vince holds up a cassette tape] This is the best of the sixties.
Vince Noir: [holds up another cassette] And this is the best of the seventies.
Vince Noir: [lifts a huge stack of cassettes] And this is Gary Numan.
Howard Moon: Er, no. No way. I'm not having that. Absolutely not, I'm drawing a line under that. That's it.
Vince Noir: What? Why?
Howard Moon: I'm driving, it's my music we're having.
Vince Noir: Not Jazz!
Howard Moon: [lifts cassette] No. This, my friend, is Jazz Funk.
Vince Noir: Ohh, the double! That's even worse!
Howard Moon: The mixture. The cerebral musicality of Jazz mixed with the visceral groove of funk.
Vince Noir: Funk?
Howard Moon: Imagine that.
Vince Noir: Funk?
Howard Moon: What a combo.
Vince Noir: Jazz's deformed cousin!

Howard Moon: [Vince gives the Bear a magazine] What are you doing?
Vince Noir: Giving him something to read.
Howard Moon: "The Face"? He's a Russian Bear!
Vince Noir: So what?
Howard Moon: Give him some Chekhov.
[Hands Vince a play by Chekhov. Vince passes it back to the Bear]


"The Mighty Boosh: Bollo (#1.3)" (2004)
Howard Moon: Don't get too close to the animals cos, they die. It's the first rule of zookeeping.
Vince Noir: What about you and Jack Cooper?
Howard Moon: What about me and Jack? Me and Jack aquaintances. We got close, too close some people said.
Vince Noir: Yeah
Howard Moon: I don't know what the rumours were.
Vince Noir: That you were bumming him.

Vince Noir: He asked me to play Blue Train by John Coltrane at his funeral. I couldn't really find that. Sorry Howard. But I found another song about a train.
[Pipe organ plays Thomas the Tank Engine theme.]

Mr Susan: If you choose wrongly you will replace me here in the mirror world for all eternity with nothing but your own reflection for company...
Vince Noir: Sounds alright to me.
Mr Susan: What? Staring at your own reflection forever?
Vince Noir: Sounds great.

Vince Noir: If you're a ghost, why can't I put my hand through you?
Howard Moon: You blew half the budget on your hair, remember?


"The Mighty Boosh: The Priest & the Beast (#2.2)" (2005)
Howard Moon: What the hell are you wearing?
Vince Noir: [wearing a glitter jumpsuit] This... is the mirror ball suit.
Howard Moon: [sighs] I've been up for four days trying to find our new musical direction, yeah? You're in this band as well! What have you been doing?
Vince Noir: I do the costumes, you do the music. That's the agreement. And this, my friend, represents a major breakthrough on the sewing machine.
Howard Moon: I'm not wearing that on stage.
Vince Noir: I knew you'd say that. That's why I've made you...
[pulls out brown jumpsuit]
Vince Noir: the tweed version! I call it the library suit. See this pocket? That's for your library card. See this pouch? Loose change, in case you've got any fines!
Howard Moon: ...That's pretty good, actually.

Howard Moon: I've had a breakthrough. I think I found a new note in between B and C. I always knew it was there. I'm gonna call it Howard's Note.
Vince Noir: Wow.
Howard Moon: I'll tell you how it works, right? I took a note, sawtooth wave, right off this pantomime four, ran it back here, re-jammed it through itself, looped it back, mixed it with the sound of this crab committing suicide, and let it stew in its own reverb for about three hours, right? And then I pump it all out through this shoe, to give it that oaky timbre.
Vince Noir: Cool! Let's hear it, then.

Vince Noir: [singing] Cyborg Patrick, tell me what you dream / Clockwork Margaret, skating on my mouse mat / In your tiny circuit boots, shoes of the future!
Howard Moon: Trousers of the past!

[Howard and Vince have a meeting with a record executive]
Vince Noir: You better start getting the magic potions out, Mowgli, or we're gonna hurt you.
Naboo: All right, calm down.
[he hands them each a glass of yellow liquid]
Naboo: This is Liquid Music. It'll turn you into musical geniuses.
Howard Moon: What is this?
Naboo: It's the tears of Mozart...
[they both drink it down]
Naboo: ...mixed with the urine of Mark Knopfler.
[Howard and Vince make a face]
Howard Moon: How long does it last?
Naboo: Three hours. Quick, run! Play like you've never played before!
[they leave fast]
Bollo: You are truly wise, Naboo. Do you think with magic potion they will get record deal?
Naboo: I doubt it - that was just Lucozade.


"The Mighty Boosh: Charlie (#1.6)" (2004)
Vince Noir: Charlie is genius, right, he's made from a million old pieces of bubble gum. Imagine that. In the summer of 1976 on the way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt on the pavement. It was too hot in L.A and he melted, like a pink bitch. Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie, and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladel, and boarded his magic carpet, destination, Alaska. Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie, but in his cold blooded reptilian haste, he refroze him into the shape of a hoover. Charlie wasn't phased though, he just zoomed about the place, sucking up Inuits. The Inuits didn't mind. They loved it in Charlie's big tight warm belly pouch, and they refused to come out. Charlie said, "I'm cool with that," and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. The downside was that the Inuits suffocated imediately. It was air-tight in there. Charlie panicked, and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into to Eric's crocodile peepers. The green shape, was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillip's magic carpet, and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt. He'd killed 50 Inuits, no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, trumpets, and spanners.

Vince Noir: You're in a Hubba-Bubba Nightmare!

Vince Noir: I'm going to be in Autumn Magnets!
Howard Moon: Are you now?
[to Hamilton Cork, who is no longer in character]
Howard Moon: Now look, I invited you on the show out of the kindness of my heart. What do you think you're playing at?
[Hamilton nuts Howard unconscious with his shiny conker of a head]
Hamilton Cork: [to camera] Don't take me on, I'm a 29-er!
[to Vince]
Hamilton Cork: Now it is Equity Minimum but the Podiums are very good...


The Mighty Boosh Live (2006) (V)
Vince Noir: That's funny you should say that actually, because I was walking through Camden the other day, and I saw you in a skip, weeping.
Howard Moon: That was an art piece that I was doing.
Vince Noir: Really? Because you had a shirt and tie on but no pants or trousers.
Howard Moon: Yeah? Too much for you was it?
Vince Noir: It was too much. It was quite early in the morning. I was trying to eat a baguette.

Howard Moon: Hmm. Check me out.
[spotlight singles out Howard]
Vince Noir: [Vince introduces Howard, whilst he does actions] Howard Moon, Jazz Maverick, Novelist, Cyclist, Rider of the Penny-Farthing, Stamp Collector, Age: 61
[Howard points down]
Vince Noir: 57? Special Features: The tiny eyes of a shrew! Howard Moon! Yeah! Check him out!
Howard Moon: Yeah.
[starts trying to eat air]
Vince Noir: What are you doing?
Howard Moon: Eating the applause.
Vince Noir: Haha! Who does that?
Howard Moon: Me! Nice and crunchy
Vince Noir: Hehe was it? Was it crunchy?
Howard Moon: Yeah. Get in the light.
[light shines on Vince]
Howard Moon: Vince Noir.
[long pause]
Howard Moon: Electro-poof!
[Vince puts his arms out, Howard starts eating Vince's applause]
Vince Noir: What are you doing? Huh? Never eat another man's applause!
Howard Moon: Urgh, that's very rich!
Howard Moon: It's a bit like fruitcake. I feel all bilious.
Vince Noir: Too rich for you.


"The Mighty Boosh: The Legend of Old Gregg (#2.5)" (2005)
Vince Noir: I'm a little bit peckish, have you got any olives?
Colin: No
Vince Noir: Hummus?
Colin: No
Vince Noir: Stuffed vine-leaves?

Fisherman: The only person to have met Old Gregg and lived to tell the tale is Old Mr Hopkins, there.
Vince Noir: Right, I'll ask him, see what's going on.
Fisherman: You're welcome to try...
Vince Noir: [to Mr. Hopkins] Hi, what was it like meeting Old Gregg?
Old Mr Hopkins: Waaah! Waaaah! WAAAH!


"The Mighty Boosh: The Power of the Crimp (#3.3)" (2007)
Vince Noir: I haven't got anything inside, I'm like a beach ball.

Vince Noir: Not everything has to be funny you know... Sometimes life can take a serious turn, colours can fade to black...
Howard Moon: Have you got my script?


"The Mighty Boosh: Eels (#3.1)" (2007)
Howard Moon: We're in trouble. We've got to get out of town.
Vince Noir: Just calm down and tell me what happened.
Howard Moon: This man came into the shop, a cockney! He urinated in my face, and...
[turns to camera]
Howard Moon: we've seen all this. Can we just cut to something else while I explain it?
[cuts to a game of Pong for a few seconds]
Howard Moon: ...We've got to get a thousand Euros by midnight or we're dead!
[turns to camera]
Howard Moon: Thank you.
[the Pong game beeps off-screen in response]

Howard Moon: But we had an arrangement...
Vince Noir: Oh, boo-hoo the arrangement! Do I look like a reasonable man to you?


"The Mighty Boosh: Fountain of Youth (#2.4)" (2005)
Vince Noir: Soup, soup a tasty. Soup, soup a spicey. Carrot and coriander. Chilli chowder. Crouton, crouton crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am Gespatio. Ooo. I am a summer soup. Mmm. Miso, Miso fighting in the dojo. Miso, miso Oriental prince in the land of SOUP!

Howard Moon: Where did you get those sunglasses from?
Vince Noir: A passing coyote took pity on me.
Howard Moon: Took pity on you did he? He took a piss on me!
Vince Noir: I think in his own simple way he was probably just trying to cool you down.


"The Mighty Boosh: Killeroo (#1.1)" (2004)
Vince Noir: I'll train you up.
Howard Moon: You?
Vince Noir: Yeah. I'm a Cockney bitch. I'm a ragamuffin from the streets.
Howard Moon: You? You're a French duke if I ever saw one. You lay around on hammocks all day eating soft cheese.

Vince Noir: Lots of people get trapped in cabinets: Lawyers, Doctors, Dentists...


"The Mighty Boosh: The Nightmare of Milky Joe (#2.6)" (2005)
Howard Moon: Well, who cuts people's hair in the middle of the night?
Vince Noir: I do! They call me the Midnight Barber.
Howard Moon: Yeah, well that's an infringement of people's liberties. So don't ever be doing that to me.
Vince Noir: I DO do it to you.
Howard Moon: ...what?
Vince Noir: Who d'you think cuts your hair, Einstein?
Howard Moon: My hair just doesn't grow very fast
Vince Noir: What, you think it stays that length naturally? I'm in there in the night, styling away.
Howard Moon: How dare you do that to me in the night, when I'm oblivious.
Vince Noir: I do my best work when you're oblivious. I lean you up against the pillow, and I go at you.
Howard Moon: That's perverted!
Vince Noir: If I didn't, you'd look like Stig of the Dump.


"The Mighty Boosh: Nanageddon (#2.3)" (2005)
Vince Noir: [referring to Nanatoo] I was getting quite a good vibe off her, actually.


"The Mighty Boosh: The Strange Tale of the Crack Fox (#3.4)" (2007)
Crack Fox: This old peach, why it's my hat sir! Look!
Vince Noir: Yeah...
Crack Fox: Peach Hat!


"The Mighty Boosh: Party (#3.5)" (2007)
Vince Noir: [Howard has just revealed that he is a virgin] Come on, Howard. It doesn't matter that you're a virgin. It's fine. Women respect that. They don't mind that you've not gone beyond the kiss.
Howard Moon: [looks away]
Vince Noir: You've never kissed anyone, have you?
Howard Moon: So?
Vince Noir: Have you ever held anyone's hand?
Howard Moon: I don't like people touching me. Besides, I've had deeper relationships in my mind, at a distance, than you'll ever have in your lifetime, you know that.
Vince Noir: Are you talking about the incident with the binoculars?
Howard Moon: That was never proved.
Vince Noir: It was in The Guardian.


"The Mighty Boosh: Electro (#1.7)" (2004)
Howard Moon: How's it going with you anyway in the pop band?
Vince Noir: It's going alright... having a bit of trouble with the keyboard player though. Johnny two-hats
Howard Moon: Yeah, what is it? Mood swings?
Vince Noir: He's left the band.
Howard Moon: Thats a pretty big mood swing. He swung right out of the band there.