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: [placing a crank call to his wife, imitating English accent into phone
] Mrs. Harper? Mrs. Lewis Harper? Susan Harper
: [puzzled and sleepy
] Yes... Lew Harper
: Oh thank heavens! You see, we've just picked your name from this enormous drum full of names... Only you had to be there to win... and you are, so you have! Susan Harper
: Win? Lew Harper
: [flustered, thinking
] ... Six... one-hour frug lessons, absolutely free. Yes. I'm Austin Schwartz-Marmaduke, of the Schwartz-Marmaduke Institue for Ballroom Education. You must've heard of us, we're just off Wilshire near the Frug Foundation... Susan Harper
: I don't want any frug lessons. Lew Harper
: Of course you do, dear lady. Why just think how t'riffic you'll feel next time you and your husband try frugging...
[starts to break up, chuckling at his own humor
] Lew Harper
: how endlessly feminine you'll feel...
[starts to really break up
] Susan Harper
: [she has recognized Harper's voice and is paying him back now
] My husband is dead! Lew Harper
: [not sure where this is going
] Well, that's too bad, as a matter of fact... Susan Harper
: [gaining the upper hand in this joke
] No... as a matter of fact, you're wrong. His death did nothing but serve the cause of mankind. He was a fool, a sadist, a functioning pathological pervert... He was grotesque in all ways. Can a soul be atrocious?
[Harper has lost control and covers the phone, chuckling
] Susan Harper
: His was. He was a degenerate's degenerate. You won't believe this, Mr. "Marmaduke", but he used to call me on the phone sometimes, pretending to be other people. He actually thought it was funny!
: Do you hear me, Lew? I don't love you. And you can get shot in some stinking alley and I'll be a little sorry, sure, but that's all! Just a little sorry. Tell him that, lawyer. Tell the man he is *not loved*.
: [as Harper walks out the door
] Just an infinitely lingering disease.